'Flight 7031 to Belfast is now boarding at Gate 15.'
Sorry.'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this flight to Belfast.
Take your seats as the seatbelt sign has now been illuminated.'
Fucker bag...
Do you want a hand? Thank you, sir.
There you go.
Thank you. You're welcome.
I wish we'd've booked separate flights.
Well, we didn't know we'd be breaking up, did we?
'Cabin crew, seats for takeoff.'
♪ I was born in Belfast in the late '80s
♪ My dad got out of jail, married my ma, made babies
♪ We were good eating Ulster fries and baked taties
♪ Steak and kidney pies in glazed gravy
♪ I was a praised baby But saying that, I haven't been praised lately
♪ You know why? Cos...
♪ I was born in Belfast
♪ Hear the shotgun shell blast
♪ And your soul's going to hell fast... ♪
Seamus! / Seamus! How was your flight?
Heard about Greenwood's planned coup?
Perfect timing for the interview!
Can we go somewhere private?
Oh, my god! You're back from London! Ahhh!
Come on!
Right! Tell me everything! Go!
God, Gemma, I can't deal with this right now. / What's wrong?
What's going on?
Frankie and I broke up. Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah. She's gonna post about it on her socials today.
I've asked her not to do it till after the show.
Oh, good.
Why did you break up?
I think that's a very personal question.
Do you have a drink problem? Why are you asking that?
Well, his behaviour's been very erratic lately.
He's the talent. What do you expect?
Seamus, I know someone who knows someone who knows Elton John.
I could try and see - No, I'm not, I'm not an alcoholic.
I've been having an affair.
Ohh! I think that's preferable to alcoholism, isn't it?
That depends. Who did you have the affair with?
Was it someone on the staff? No, no. I would never do that.
Thank God. So, who was it?
Well, it's a woman here in Ireland.
Aw lovely. Like Ballykissangel.
What age is she? Well, she's... she's about my age.
Age-appropriate. Phew. Yeah.
Do you think she'll go to the press? No.
How can you be so sure?
She has her own reasons.
What happened? / What are you two doing? There's customers waiting!
Janet has a boyfriend! / Seriously? And he's famous
What? And she won't tell me who it is!
I've been waiting weeks to know!
I was dating a celebrity, yes... It's over now.
Did you know about this? Janet was dating a celebrity.
Oh, my god! I don't want to talk about it!
Ach, please! We're all dying to know. Look, look at Jason.
He can barely contain himself!
I'll tell youse and then we'll never talk about it again!
Can I get some service here? We'll be with you in a minute, sir.
Do you sell them panko breadcrumbs? Try the World Foods section.
I looked there and they're not there.
Then we obviously don't have any. Sorry.
Are youse on strike or what? Gemma, can you deal with this?
No! I want to know the celebrity! Celebrity?
Is there a celebrity in here? She was dating a celebrity.
Does everyone in East Belfast have to know?
Just tell us who it was!
Seamus O'Hannigan.
Uhhh... Who?
Seamus O'Hannigan. Who is that?
Never heard of him.
I love him! Huh?
Tim, can I tell you something?
Confidentially. Sure.
It's about the woman I was having the affair with.
What about the woman you were having the affair with? / Fuck!
It all got a bit complicated. Because of my past.
Oh aye, I see. You know what I mean, Philip?
I do, aye. Aye. What was in her past?
I thought you knew? I thought everybody knew.
I was in the LUV.
What? / What? What were you in?
I thought you knew? I never knew that!
I thought you were talking about being a bit of a slapper.
Janet was a... low-list paramilitary.
A terrorist? It was a long time ago
and her involvement was minimal.
But if it was to come out in the press, then it could be a problem.
How did you get mixed up with a bunch of clowns like that, Janet?
Who were they? Ssh ssh ssh!
I was young, Philip, I was stupid. That's no excuse.
Will someone please tell me who were the LUV?
Don't you mean the UVF? No, they were a splinter group of the UVF.
Wasn't that the LVF?
No, they splintered from the UVF with the LVF
and then they splintered from the LVF to form the LUV.
The Loyalist Ulster Volunteers. AKA The Luvvers.
Why were they called The Luvvers? Every paramilitary group in Ulster
had a nickname. The Official IRA were the Stickies.
The UDA were The Wombles. We were the...
We were The Luvvers.
It was a long time ago. She's served her time.
She was in prison for three years. Three years?
Isn't Irish terrorism a bit passe these days?
I mean, you know if she was a member of ISIS, I'd be worried.
So, you were against the peace process?
As I recall, the LUV thought the Good Friday Agreement
was a compromise too far with Irish Republicanism.
Am I right, Janet? / I didn't think anything! I was just angry!
Well, look, at least now we'll be prepared if it does come out.
Oh, it won't come out.
But I do think we should... "Reach out", as they say,
to HR and Legal.
Especially given Frankie's announcement. / Yes. But don't worry.
It'll all be fine. It will.
Do you wanna take a day off?
No, I don't want to be on my own.
Look, you can't blame him for reacting the way he did.
Why are you taking his side?
Oh, come on, I'm not taking his side, I'm on your side.
Nobody's ever on my side.
Give him a chance.
He's English He doesn't know what we went through here.
He just needs a bit of time.
Time... For what?
To get over it. To come back to you.
I don't want him back! Are you sure?
Because these past few weeks are the happiest I've ever seen you.
Happiness? Who wants that, huh? Urgh!
Love? Who needs it?
I was just really angry with him.
The way he looked at me like I was a piece of shit.
But... are you not meant to be a Christian? / Yeah.
So, forgive him.
It's not as simple as that.
Janet.
You are a fucking nightmare.
You are the worst employee I've ever had.
I was on beta blockers for three months 'cause of you.
And poor Jason's terrified to speak when he's around you.
But I forgave you.
And I'm not even a fucking Christian!
Everyone here forgives you
and shows you love and patience.
It's about bloody time you did the same.
And plus, your fella's a fucking ride, so he is.
Hm...
♪ Shine a little light
♪ On me
♪ Lord knows, I need some now
♪ So shine a little light on me... ♪
I've decided... I have to forgive you.
Forgive me? Yeah.
You forgive ME? Yes.
OK...
And then maybe, maybe, there's still a possibility.
A possibility of what?
This.
Me and you. Maybe.
That's why you wanted to meet, to tell me that you forgive me?
No, I don't, I don't forgive you.
But I will eventually have to TRY to forgive you.
I don't want your fucking forgiveness! I've done nothing wrong!
You were the terrorist!
D'you wanna keep your voice down? You waited till I'd left my partner.
Yes. And I'm sorry. But don't call me a terrorist again.
Or what? You'll blow me up?
Hah!
You have no ide... You have no idea how ashamed I am.
Pff... This country, it fucking fucks up your head.
And you'll never understand because you didn't know what it was like here.
I do understand.
Cos my mother - Oh, my god!
Your fucking ma again, Seamus!
I know your mammy was from Ireland and you think that makes you Irish.
It doesn't. You didn't grow up here,
you don't know what it was like.
And you have no right to judge me.
I wasn't gonna say my mother was Irish.
I was gonna say my mother...
My mother was driven out of Belfast by the UVF.
Because she was pregnant with me.
Cos her boyfriend, my father, was Catholic.
So they threatened to kill her if she stayed.
So don't tell me that I-I don't understand.
Yeah, because of the Troubles, because of this sectarian bullshit,
my mother's life was hell.
And I never met my father. I have no idea who I am.
People like you, you don't know the damage that you do.
You're not a victim of the Troubles, Janet.
You're a criminal.
My father was killed by the IRA.
And it happened in front of me. In our living room.
I was... I was fucking five.
I wish you'd told me before.
Fuck!
The producers have noticed that I'm not there.
I better get back, otherwise my career really is over.
That's the most important thing here, isn't it? Your career.
Yeah. Yeah, it is, actually.
Wow. You're such a big man with a big job.
Famous Seamus.
You know the only reason why you do it is to make yourself feel special.
You're not special. Yeah...
You're nobody, Seamus. You've nothing.
You've no parents. That's right.
No girlfriend, no God. Yeah.
Nothing. Yeah. I'm nothing.
There's fucking nothing inside me. All I care about is myself!
And that's how I like it!
Now fuck off back to your supermarket, cos I have a show to do!
Fuck it!
♪ Ask yourself if you are happy
♪ Then you cease to be
♪ That's a tip from you to me... (PHONE RINGS)
'Seamus? It's Ndidi. Where the fuck are you?'
♪ I don't ask myself for nothing anymore
♪ My peace is freedom for the masses
♪ The masses cannot see
♪ That's a tip from them to me
♪ And now I know for sure
♪ I don't need nobody's help now anymore ♪
Sorry for leaving. I had to go. Forget that, there's no time.
So, after the paper review, we're gonna go straight into the segment
about the rail workers' strike in Tunbridge Wells.
From there... Then straight into The Chancellor.
And you need to press him on this leadership rumour.
He's been stabbing the Prime Minister in the back.
You nail him on that. / Frankie hasn't announced the break-up yet?
We've got someone keeping an eye on that.
If it does come out, you might wanna think about any dirt you have on Frankie.
Dirt? Dirt's too strong a word,
but anything you can use to deflect attention from you back onto her.
This isn't why I did journalism. I wanna speak truth to power,
not destroy the lives of the people I love!
Let's get you into make-up.
Hi, Katie. / I'm only gonna have time for blemishes.
It's in.
Oh, no! What? / What?
Frankie's released her statement. And?
It's actually quite nice. Then why say, "Oh, no"?
I saw one negative comment on Twitter. / Saying what?
Worry about it later. Which particular negative comment?
His "performative wokeness"
or the one about his "posturing male feminism"?
Stop reading them out loud!
Oh, no. No, no, no, no! I can't do this!
I need time to think. I can't go on live TV.
I'm being publicly humiliated!
Let's just take a breath. Breathe with me.
It's all gonna be fine.
You're in the spotlight, Greenwood's in the spotlight.
Which means more attention, more viewers, more engagement.
That's what we want. Isn't it? New pages.
Tim!
Oh, sorry! You've despatched the mistress
and now you just need to despatch the Chancellor
with the same joie de vivre.
I feel like a fake. Like I'm not really me.
You ARE you. You're a world-class broadcaster.
You're Seamus O'Hannigan! I'm not. It's not even my real name!
Sorry?
Ah! Here he is. Seamus O'Hannigan!
Chancellor. Great to see you again. / Likewise.
Sir Rupert, can we go through the running order?
'OK, going in 30 seconds.'
Does he look a bit sweaty to you?
'Ten seconds.'
'Don't be nervous...' 'Five. Four...'
Nerves are for dickheads. So, if you're nervous...
'One.'
Seamus, you can do this.
Good afternoon! A tough week for the Prime Minister
as he comes under pressure over the controversial Helsinki Treaty.
We'll be talking live to the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
Sir Rupert Greenwood.
Everything's going to be absolutely fine.
Is that him? He's actually hot.
I thought he'd be like a wee short skinny funny-looking nerd.
No offence, Jason.
'But is there widespread support in the community
for this industrial action?'
We went to Tunbridge Wells to find out more.
Thank you.
So, er, it seems we're both the subject of scurrilous internet gossip today.
Can I, um, can I tell you something, in confidence?
The rumours are true. I am planning to oust the PM.
Sir Rupert, I'm not sure you should be telling me this now.
Should I be successful, I want YOU to come and be my Director of Communications.
You know, the sort of Campbell to my Blair.
You know, the Ingham to my Thatcher.
The Goebbels to my...
Oh, how kind of you. Thank you very much indeed.
And for the record, your private life's no concern of mine.
I mean, we've all got skeletons, haven't we?
'And we're on in five, four. Three, two, one...'
Where is Janet anyway?
Maybe she's in the TV studio with him!
Oh aye. She could be.
She'd be in the audience.
Or maybe even backstage!
Oh! Hello, Janet1
'..than here in Northern Ireland!'
'I'm sorry, I'm gonna stop you there...'
Sorry. This is too exciting.
Let me speak.
I'm not gonna let you hijack this programme
to suit your own personal ends.
With respect, Chancellor, you've backed this Prime Minister for five years.
And now you're gonna stab him in the back
to further your own career?
Why should the British public trust a liar?
Why should the public trust a snake?
The public...
This is the best he's ever been. Fucking brilliant!
Tell us what we all know,
which is that you never thought he was any good,
you never supported him and that you want his job!
The Prime Minister has my full support. / That simply isn't true.
I am not interested in what journalists like you,
stuck in your Westminster bubble, think.
I'm interested in what the average worker on the shop floor of Belfast thinks.
I'm interested in what ordinary people —I'm sorry.
Why do you insist on — I want this government to -
Why do you insist on — I want this government —All lies.
To speak for and represent the needs and wishes of ordinary people!
Oh, fuck off!
No, no, I'm sorry, I'm not listening to this bollocks.
Ordinary people! You don't give a fuck about ordinary people!
Is this actually happening? This is better than Bake Off.
I know about ordinary people, OK?
I... I used to be an ordinary person.
My mum was an ordinary person.
But I got... I got fucked up by all this celebrity bollocks.
Well, I AM interested in what ordinary people think.
Which is why you're leaving me for a fucking shop assistant.
I want this government...
Would you let me tell the story?
To represent the views...
She's so fucking boring! And wishes...
Now fuck off back to your supermarket! Of ordinary people!
Hi.
Well, you're right about one thing, Sir Rupert.
You and I do live in a bubble. Well, fuck the bubble!
I'm bursting the fucking bubble.
That's five fucks in less than one minute.
And two bollocks.
Janet...
If you're watching this, um,
I'm sorry for everything I said.
Aww!
'I was wrong. Just so wrong.'
I take it all back.
I don't want this life anymore.
I want you.
Bloody cable. Er...
♪ THE VELVET UNDERGROUND: Stephanie Says
I've never had that happen before! Oh, God.
♪ Why she's given half her life to people she hates now...
So, she mustn't be there?
Well, where is she? She's missing the biggest moment of her life.
Maybe she came back here! Well, go and find her!
Hey, guys, there's a wee bit of a queue...
For fuck's sake, not now, Jason!
♪ What country shall I say...
Please, Seamus! Think about what you're doing!
No! Get back on that set!
Ndidi, you don't understand.
No, fuck that. You listen to me for once.
Seamus, for six weeks, I have put up with your shit
and I can't take it anymore.
There is more at stake here than your love life,
than the whims of your no doubt microscopic penis!
What about me? What about the crew?
What about all the people watching at home?
Be a fucking professional and get back on that set now!
Ndidi, I'm sorry.
I have to go. ♪ They're asking is it good or bad
♪ It's such an icy feeling
♪ It's so cold in Alaska ♪
Janet, if you get this message, can you please ring me back,
just to let us know you're alright, love, OK?
No-one's seen her. Must have gone home.
You don't think she's gone to - What?
Well, she has a history of - Don't say it! Don't even think it!
I'll try her again. We should call the police!
No, I need you to help me with wee Jason.
We have to go to her house! We have to go and break down the door!
Oh, Janet! / Where the hell were you?
I was out the back.
Alright. Jason, I'm coming. Stop being so fucking needy!
Janet you will never guess what just happened!
Please don't point your banana at me, sir.
Jason, don't cry!
And then he just stood up and left the interview,
and me and Philip were like this... Waaah!
Listen, everyone. We have a bit of a situation. Let me explain.
We're at sixes and sevens today because...
a celebrity declared his love for that woman...
live on TV and we've been dealing with the repercussions of that all day.
The celebrity is a politics guy called Seamus O'Hannigan.
Who's that? Who's he?
Let's just get her and her fella back together again
and then youse can all carry on with your shopping, alright?
Who says I want to get back together with him?
You better make your mind up. Why?
Cos he's standing outside.
You won't believe what just happened. I just, um...
I just left a live interview with the Chancellor.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
I thought you didn't watch my show? I don't. Gemma told me.
Hi. I'm Gemma.
I'd never heard of you before this morning, but already, big fan.
OK. Hiya, I'm Philip.
Come away, Gemma. / OK.
Look, I'm sorry for what I said. No. I'm sorry.
I-I was talking about myself. I'm the one who's nothing.
No. No you're not nothing. You, you're everything.
You're the first person who's ever been on my side.
We can't do this. Why not?
Seamus, I love you. I love you too! We CAN do this!
But I'm a fucking car crash! I wreck everything I touch!
I don't care! Wreck me! Desecrate me. I don't care.
Sorry. Can I ask you something?
I read online that you interviewed Matthew McConaughey last year?
And I was just wondering, do you have a number or an email for him
that you could pass on to me? Jesus Christ!
Why don't you just let them kiss, man? Fuckin' hell!
Could you take this?
Alright everybody, let's go back inside and finish your shopping.
There's a two-for-one offer on chicken legs!
So, er, what do you wanna do?
Janet can you come back in and finish your shift?
I wouldn't normally insist, but we're so busy, huh?
Yeah, I'll be in in a minute.
Wait, are you actually going to go back into work?
Yeah, I have to finish my shift. I just gave up my career for you!
I'll only be an hour. Wait, so what,
what am I supposed to do while you're in there?
Why don't you stand at the window and watch me work
and then thank your lucky stars you ever met me?
Excuse me. Sorry.
♪ Midnight Train to Georgia
I didn't know you were Scottish.
Aye.
♪ Said he's going back to find
♪ Going back to find
What is it?
We have to tell them!
Say nothing!
♪ Not so long ago
Alright?
♪ He's leaving ♪ (Leaving)
♪ On that midnight train to Georgia
♪ (Leaving on a midnight train)
It's actually quite stressful.
Do you know what these are for?
♪ To a simpler place and time ♪ (Whenever he takes that ride)
♪ Oh, yes he is ♪ (Guess who's gonna be right by his side)
♪ And I'll be with him ♪ (I know you will)
♪ On that midnight train to Georgia
♪ (Leavin' on that midnight train to Georgia)
♪ Oh, yeah-eah-eah
♪ I'd rather live in his world
♪ Than live without him in mine
♪ (Her world is his, his and hers alone) ♪
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