♪ CMAT: Mayday ♪ ♪ What time were you born?
♪ I'm bored again And thinking of you
♪ And wishing you were home
♪ Hello?
♪ Wish I could see the stars
♪ We'd look upon the same ones, baby
♪ The city makes it hard
♪ Although
♪ I saw that Portugal's on fire
♪ Woo-oh
♪ But all that I M-I-S-S is you
♪ There's nothing that I can do- ♪
Are you ready to order food?
Er, no, no, no, thanks.
I'm, erm, waiting on my... cousin.
Hmm. Just a glass of red wine, please.
Alright.
What?
OK...
Here you go-Oh! Sorry! Thank you. / Sorry! / Thank you.
Hmm?
No public shows of affection.
Erm... Oh.
So, why do you want to eat my pudding?
What?
Oh, no. Pussy! I want to eat your pussy!
Today's special is, erm, chicken. Thanks.
Thanks.
Bloody auto-correct!
See, he dropped us off in the middle of nowhere,
we had to fucking get out and walk.
Shall we get more wine? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I-I can't be hungover tomorrow.
I've got this interview with the Shadow Home Secreta-
Oh, fuck it, go on then. It's only lunchtime.
Did you catch my interview with Nisha Anand?
No, not yet. Really good engagement
across all the platforms. / Hmmm. Social media was/
But I only want to talk about you today.
Do you, aye? I hardly know anything about you.
I know that you work in a supermarket
and that you murdered your ex-husband...
I sometimes I wish I had. Why?
Oh, let's not talk about that.
You're so infuriating! What?
You complain that I never ask you anything about yourself
and then when I do, you evade the question!
Why are you so secretive? What are you hiding?
Nothing! / Grr, tell me something about yourself! Anything!
I don't know what to tell you! What's your favourite movie?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Really? Yeah, I love horror.
Ooh. I don't think I like horror.
My whole life's been a horror film.
I feel like my life's been a sort of tasteful noughties
US indie flick with a soundtrack by Fleet Foxes.
I don't know who they are. They're this folk band from Seattle.
They do baroque-chamber, harmony-I didn't ask, Seamus.
Sorry.
No, it's just my life's so boring compared to yours.
Oh, I don't believe that.
You hang out with movie stars and world leaders.
Well, someone famous must have come into your shop?
D'you know David Beckham? David Beckham's been in your shop?
No, but a fella who looks a wee bit like him did.
He did!
He was just like David Beckham but he had psoriasis and an overbite.
Oh, and I once sold Ian Paisley a Twix.
It's true.
Seriously. Wait, wait...
I DEMAND A TWIX! BRING ME A TWIX NOW!
Shut up! You can't do that here! I'm gonna do the other side now.
I'm from the IRA
and I've planted a bomb in this here restaurant.
Sorry. Sorry, everyone. I'm not actually from the IRA.
I'm-I'm from North London.
Can I get the bill, please?
Ian Paisley was a dangerous right wing religious fanatic.
Yeah, OK, but he did speak out for this community when it felt like
the whole world was ignoring us. No, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm not having sex with you if you start defending Ian Paisley.
You're just jealous because Paisley is more famous than you.
OK, look I know it's some big joke to you that I'm "not famous"
but surely, by now, you've googled me
and you are aware-Googled you?!
I think you'll find that, er, I've got better things to do
with my time than google you! Unlike you, I'm not...
OBSESSED with Seamus O'Hannigan.
And anyway, who says we're gonna have sex?
Oh well, that's...
that's what we agreed last week.
I no longer accept the validity of that agreement.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait. OK, I'm just gonna pop in here.
Won't be a minute and then we are going to do this!
Don't move, don't go anywhere.
Now there's a customer and you've fucking embarrassed us, well done!
You embarrass yourself by existing, you fucking ignoramus.
Right, what can I get ya, Robert Redford?
Er, I'm after some condoms, please.
You getting your hole tonight, aye?
Mm? You, er...
doin' a lot of aul' ridin'?
Oh, I'm gonna pay by card...
if...?
Are you in, er, luv?
Oh, no. We're just friends. No, no. I mean L-U-V.
What's going on?
Sorry, I'm just trying to buy some condoms.
Don't have any. Yeah, you do. I can see them.
He's a friend of Janet's.
On the house.
Thanks.
Yo, Blondie.
Don't fuck her about.
Right?
That was really fucking weird.
Do... Do you know those people?
Oh, Maggie and Charlie, yeah.
Why, what'd they say to you?
Something about "getting my hole"?
Ah, that's just the Belfast way of saying "have a nice day".
And about being in love? Being in love?
Yeah except he spelt it "L-U-V".
What's that about? Er...
Dunno. Charlie's an oddball.
Maggie's nice like. She wasn't very nice to me.
Yeah well, she doesn't really like men.
Or English people.
Or anyone really.
Well, she made me feel uncomfortable.
She's dead on once you get to know her, you know.
She goes to my church.
Your church? Yeah.
You go to church?
Yeah. You're not a Christian, are you?
Yes. Fuck off!
I am a Christian! You're like the least Christian person I know!
I am a fucking Christian! See!
Yeah, well, I-I try not to swear, but it's hard when I'm arguing
with stupid atheist dickheads like you.
Well, yeah, I mean, y-you're very intelligent so I-I assumed...
Here we go. Cause I work in a supermarket I'm stupid and I don't understand science?
No, no, no! That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying the opposite-
Because I don't have a 2:2 from Oxford, like you, I don't know what I'm talking about?
How do you know I've got a 2:2 from Oxford?
Because... I fucking googled you!
So, I did.
No, look...
I'm saying the opposite, I'm saying, if you listen,
I'm saying you're intelligent
so you've obviously thought about this
and well...
I wanna know, w-why would you believe in something without proof?
Huh. I do have proof. What proof?
I've spoken to him.
Sorry, you've talked to God? Mm-hmm.
And he's spoken to me. Wow.
Wow? That sounds crazy. No, no, it's...
It's... It's interesting. I'm... I'm... I'm interested.
Well, what does he think about us?
Us?
Yeah, I mean, The bible says: "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
Well, it's not adultery, you're not married.
Well, we're as good as married. We've been together six years.
We talk about it a lot.
We'll do it one day, it's just a matter of time.
And-And...
OK, well what about your, erm, attempted suicide?
What about it? Well, see if you-if you
really believed in God, then...
you wouldn't have tried to do it.
D'you know, before I tried to kill myself.
I asked God to show me a sign. And you appeared.
Do you think that's a coincidence?
Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
We're standing outside my church.
That's your church? Yeah.
Do you think that's a coincidence?
Yeah.
See, I-I mean, coincidences are just coincidences, right?
I mean, I don't think there's any... any, erm...
overarching design behind it all.
But then your life has no meaning? No. No, no, no, no, see...
cause I think we give our lives meaning with...
with art and-and literature
and philosophy and-and-and
conversations and empathy for one another and-and-and...
I don't know... love?
What? What-What is it?
I just, I've never had sex with an atheist before.
I prefer the term humanist. Well, what do you say when you cum?
Sorry? / Well, you can't be like: "Oh my God". So...
Is it... Is it more like...
"Ah, ah, ah, ah...
Ahhh, there's no overarching design to it all, ahh.
Ah."
Depends how good the sex is.
We'll soon find out.
C'mon!
Get 'er bucked! Huh?
Well, are you coming or not?
♪ ONE REPUBLIC: Love Runs Out ♪
♪ I'll be your light, your match
♪ Your burning sun
♪ I'll be the bright in black
♪ That's making you run
♪ And we'll feel alright... ♪ Erm...
What? Sorry. I, erm...
forgot you had a gun. Yeah.
I got a fright.
Why do you have a gun?
This is Belfast.
♪ I'll be your ghost Your game, your stadium
♪ I'll be your 50,000... ♪
Are you worried about it?
Er, a bit-bit-bit worried but...
more excited than anything else.
♪ I got my mind made up
♪ Man, I can't let go... ♪
Oh, my God, these fucking buttons are driving me crazy!
Yeah, yeah! Doing my head in.
Generally, a very confusing garment.
How do you even get this over your head?
Here, I'll... Yeah, OK, yeah.
Yeah. Thanks. I can do that. It's me.
Captain practical. Well done.
OK. Wait, before you turn around. I think I can help with the...
- Ta-dah! Oh! How's that? / - Yeah. - Great. / OK.
OK...
Erm... am I the only one taking clothes off?
Oh, fuck! Sorry! How selfish of me!
Sorry.
Be gone, damn you.
Sorry.
Oh, shit. Oh, my God. / Hurry up.
Sorry, I'm getting a... I'll do it. / Sorry.
Oh!
Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Fuck it, it's just a shirt.
Ah... Ahhh!
Life is random and meaningless!
How many times is that we've done it now?
Five.
Fucking hell.
I'm knackered.
I can't believe the time.
How many cigarettes have you had?
Five. I've never actually smoked before.
Oh, well you should. It looks good on you.
I have to say, I do feel very cool right now.
What?
Oh, my God! I think I'm going to be sick!
I feel dizzy!
I'm gonna pass out!
No, I'm OK, actually. / It's fine.
Oh shit, it's Frankie. I'd better, erm...
Y-Yeah.
Do you still like my nose? It's OK.
What else do you like about me?
That's all. Come on.
Tell me what else you like.
I only like your nose.
Oh?
What do you think of my penis? Oh, God!
No, I'm serious. You're a fucking nightmare!
See, I can never decide, I can't work out...
Do you think it's too big?
Do you think I should get it reduced?
It's just a bit-Shut up!
No, I...
I think it's very nice.
I love your eyelids. My eyelids?
Yeah. I love how heavy they are.
They're only heavy cause I'm so fucking tired.
Don't go to sleep. We have to make the most of our time.
What time is it? Oh, no, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
Oh. What? What is it?
It's nearly four. Oh, Jesus-fucking-Christ!
We have to go to sleep, right now.
Oh, my God.
I'm not a psycho, you know.
Oh? What?
Erm...
I was just drifting off to sleep. Sorry.
What did you say?
I just want you to know I'm not a psycho.
Like, this isn't gonna end like Fatal Attraction.
W-Why would I think that?
OK. You know earlier when I said I heard God's voice,
I just want you to know that I don't generally hear voices.
It's just God's voice I hear.
That's all.
I don't think that's crazy.
I, erm...
I mean...
Well, we all hear voices, don't we.
When I hear a voice, I don't think of it as God.
I just...
I just think it's, erm...
my conscience.
What kinds of things does God say to you?
Are you making fun of me? No. No, I wanna know.
Well...
When I first started talking to God...
it was cause I felt lonely.
And I says to Him: "Dear God, where am I gonna put all this loneliness?"
And He says: "Why don't you find a boyfriend".
And I says: "God, I don't want a boyfriend, I just want sex."
And He was like: "Well, I'm not stopping you." That was nice of him.
Don't interrupt me. OK.
And then I said: "But I'm ugly-"
What? You're not ugly-Would you let me tell the story?
OK. Sorry. Thank you.
And God said: "What?! You're not ugly.
I created you in my image, Janet, you're beautiful.
Like me".
And I said: "Well you think very-fucking-highly of yourself
don't you, God?"
And then He said: "Janet, stop arguing with me
and get out of the house."
So, I had a few one night stands. Well, a lot of one night stands.
So, I've been with loads of fellas. Is that an issue, problem?
No.
Totally fine.
Thing is, I just get irritated with every man I slept with. And...
I'd get really angry with every interaction I had with everybody.
Including God. So, I stopped going out.
And stopped...
going to church. And I stopped talking to God.
And then the loneliness came back again.
And then every time I prayed there was just silence.
And the silence went on for so long, the only way...
I could think to end it was with a gun to my head.
And then you showed up.
And you started believing in God again?
Yeah.
See...
that sort of, erm...
That makes me kind of like an angel, doesn't it?
Hmm, no. No.
I think... I think I'd make a good angel.
I'd look sexy with the wings.
And a little gossamer loincloth.
It's time to sleep. Yeah.
Thank you.
For what?
Tonight.
It's been brilliant.
Why, God? Why this guy?
He's a dick. He's unavailable.
He's English.
He makes terrible jokes.
Why him?
Janet?
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
Hi.
Good to see you back, love.
Ah! Fuck! Ah! Shit!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Ow!
Fuck, fuck!
♪ Are you washed in the blood?
♪ In the soul cleansing Blood of the Lamb?
♪ Are your garments spotless?
♪ Are they white as snow?
♪ Are you washed in the Blood of the Lamb?
♪ Are you walking daily By the Savior's... ♪
Sorry about this. I've hurt my foot.
Where are your shoes? I didn't know where you were
so I went out looking for you and then the door shut behind me.
Do you have the keys? I've got to get to work.
Hi.
Get out of here, now.
Please sit. Oh!
All this week, the Girls Brigade have been organising
a sponsored bible reading.
They are going to read the entire bible...
Why didn't you wake me up? Why would I do that?
I don't know, we had a lovely night-
God, you're so... needy.
I'm not being needy. It's just...
basic manners, isn't it, to say goodbye.
Why are you being like this? Are you cross with me?
"Are you-Are you cross with me? Are you jolly well cross?"
No, I'm not cross with you. I'm ragin'!
Right. So why are you...
"Ragin'" then?
You broke the rules. What rules?
The rules of the affair! I didn't. / Yeah, you did.
What rule did I break? We can't fall in love!
Right. Well... we haven't done that, have we?
Have we? No!
Liar. I'm not lying.
I haven't fallen in love with you.
You haven't? No! Definitely not-
Shhh!
This poor man called...
for the eyes of The Lord are on the righteous.
Have you fallen in love with me? No way!
Good! OK then!
But the face of The Lord is against
those who do evil!
I think the priest's looking at us. He's not a priest, he's a pastor.
Do you think I could get a plaster from the pastor?
D'you see what I mean?
The righteous person may have many troubles
but the Lord delivers him from them.
He protects all his bones;
Not one of them will be broken.
Maybe a bit.
What? A bit.
A bit what?
I've maybe fallen a bit in love with you.
Actually, quite a lot.
Actually, truth be told, a huge amount.
Actually.
Same. What?
I said same. You've... fallen in love with me?
I don't know what you're so happy about.
Shhh!
What's so funny?
I have to break up with my girlfriend.
♪ THE MEDITATION SINGERS: Trouble's Brewin' ♪
♪ Trouble's brewin'
♪ I can't fight no fear
♪ Lord, I need my mother's hand
♪ To guide me
♪ Trouble's brewin'
♪ Look like it's the end
♪ Lord, send your Holy Ghost power in
One more time!
♪ Trouble's Brewin'... ♪
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