We could do the Running Man.
No, we're not doing the Running Man.
The Running Man is amateur hour.
- The Dirty Dancing... - You're talking about
- where I lift you up? - - Yeah, that's very advanced.
- You're not ready for that. Um... - No.
Danny, Sandy. Classic. Timeless.
Oh.
- You know it. - I don't think that I do.
Quit messing around, man.
I'm just saying it's the hand jive, sure.
But my eyes know it, my body doesn't.
- Mm, don't ruin this for me, Colin. - It's Conor.
My bridesmaid entrances are the stuff of legends.
Ever the bridesmaid. That is my essence.
- My badge of honor. You feel me? - I feel you.
- Do you want this for me? - I want this for you.
Don't leave me out there to die, man.
I won't leave you out there to die.
Alright, everybody, the bridal party...
- Okay. - I'm your boy.
Yeah, you are. Going again.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- Uh-huh. - Hi, are you Nellie?
Excuse me. Does anyone know who Nellie is?
- Does it matter which hand is on top? - Right on top.
- Nellie? Nellie? - Nellie, Nellie.
- Hi. Fantastic. Can you come with me? - Oh, yes!
Okay. Please excuse us, excuse us.
Hey, boo. What's going on?
I-I'm good. I'm good. Uh, yeah, I'm just, uh...
Yeah. Um, b-bye. Bye, Matilda.
- I wonder if we could just take-- - Yeah, bye.
Okay.
- You're married. - I-I am married.
- What the fuck? Right? - Ah, what the fuck?
What the fuck!
Where's Ron?
U-uh, who cares? Who cares? Will you-- will you do a shot?
- Duh. - Yeah, okay.
Right-- right now?
- Right now! - Oh, okay. Yes.
- Mm. - Oh, just-- just me.
Okay. Um, to your beautiful--
- Drink! Just drink. - Okay.
Would you fuck Ron for the rest of your life?
Oh. W-what?
Would you like to have Ron penetrate you
for the rest of your days on Earth?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
- Really? - I should be so lucky.
You're such a good friend. Do you have anything else?
Anything...?
- I don't have any on me. - Okay, okay. But where's your purse?
Matilda! Matilda!
Find Nellie's purse.
- We need Nellie's purse. - Okay, okay. Yep, yep, yep.
- Nellie, it's me. Sheila! - Yes.
- Yeah, look at me. - I'm looking at you, babe.
- Look at me. - I'm looking at you.
We hate these things.
We normally hate these things. We love these things when it's you.
Oh, shut up! We fucking hate these people.
Brides, fucking grooms, creepy uncles.
Hey, look at you.
You look tragic, bitch.
The fuck are you wearing?
- The dress you chose? - It's trash! It's trash.
And everyone getting married... Oh, my God.
It's like they're being inducted into some sort of cult of matrimony.
Like they're off to the mainland,
far from the island of misfit singles.
I know you have coke, Nell.
Hand it over.
- I didn't bring any. - Do not lie to me, Nellie!
- Okay, we've got purse. We really... - Okay, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you, Matilda. - ...need to get you to your reception, Sheila.
- Okay. Fuck off! - It's just that I can't, because we have four...
Babe? Babe...
Babe, I know you're mad at me.
We were gonna be the last single bitches at the end of the Earth.
- I'm not mad at you. - We still are!
Me and you, baby.
Single bitches for life.
I still don't have coke.
- Goddamn it, I think I have Molly. Fuck! - That's my girl!
- That's my girl. I know my girl. - I think I only have two pills.
Should I grab Ron? You guys can do it together.
- Your first role as a married couple. - Oh, my God, fuck Ron.
- Okay, okay. Yeah, fuck Ron. - Fuck Ron. I'm not a wife.
- No. - I'm not a fucking wife.
- Like, what the fuck? - No, you're not.
I-- Like, you technically are, but you're not. I hear you.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Okay.
You know, you-- you have always just stayed.
- You, you, you don't age one bit. - Mm-hmm.
You won't be defined by some dude
- or some baby on your tit. - Yeah, fuck, no. Hell, no.
You're like, "Fuck it. I'll put Molly in my clutch and carry it to a wedding."
- Yes, I will. - "Fuck everyone!"
- Mm-hmm. - "Dress slutty if I wanna. I'll fuck your husband
- if I wanna." - That was once, and I'm not proud of it.
To you, Nell. What the fuck would I do without you?
I'd be stuck with this clown show
of fucking bridesmaids and fucking Patricia.
Why the fuck did I make her a bridesmaid?
- She's Ron's sister. - She's the fucking worst.
- She's not the best. - We're gonna stay like this forever.
- Right? Yeah? - Let's take this,
- so that we can go to your wedding, huh? - Hmm.
See you later.
Oh!
I'm pregnant, Nell.
Sheila, spit it out! Sp-- Yes, spit it.
Bend over and spit the shit out!
And next, here come
Nellie and Conor!
Daddy!
Aw!
Charlie's Angels. We're the angels. We're the angels.
It's so fucking hot.
Are you guys, like, super hot?
♪ But how's a girl to know
♪ When she's walking with her beau ♪
♪ That he's the one to make her dreams... ♪
Monroe. God, oh, my God.
Look at this face.
It's like a baby's butt.
What is your secret?
No alcohol, no caffeine, no sugar, no gluten,
plant-based, and Pilates.
Well, I don't know about all of that,
- but congrats to you. - Thank you.
So, Sheila told me that you broke up with your boyfriend.
I was so upset to hear that.
Yeah, yeah. We consciously uncoupled.
Nothing dramatic. We're still friends.
It's all good. All love in this club, baby.
Do you have any gum?
Yeah, so are you seeing anyone now?
I'm seeing everyone now.
Oh, wow. And how's that going?
It's sort of an all-you-can-eat buffet.
- Okay. - A smorgasbord of sausage, if you will.
Okay.
- Ah, Zofia. - Oh, hey, what's up?
- This is Zofia. - I remember Sophia.
Zofia, with a Z.
So LA...
So go tell Daddy to make last rounds, okay?
Because it is your bedtime.
Oh.
Monroe.
You are legit my icon.
Oh, God.
Dope-ass career.
Hot-ass husband.
Zofia, with a Z?
You took your sweet-ass time
- and you still got it all. - Well...
Because your 30s are just your 20s, but with money.
Right? I mean, I don't really have any money, but...
Fuck this gum. This gum is really speaking to me. Where did you get this?
I think just at the CVS.
How old were you when you had Zofia?
- Forty. - Four--
Forty. Fucking legend. Fucking legend.
It was actually the most painful experience of my life
and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
- What? - Rusty and I struggled to conceive.
- No. - Did IVF for one year,
had multiple miscarriages.
- No, no, no, no, no. - And I will not say
how much it cost to make baby Z.
Not gonna report it, but 50K.
- Oh, my God. - 50K.
You are not getting pregnant in your 40s naturally.
Not gonna happen!
And if you could, you'd be so fucking exhausted like I am.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
How old are you right now?
Please say 33.
Please say 32 or 33 or 31.
Please say either of those numbers. Nellie?
I'm 34.
Fuck you. Stupid.
And what are you doing right now?
Don't say bracelets. Don't say bracelets.
- I made these. - It's a hobby. Don't point them out to me.
Nellie, look at me.
Look at me.
I know you.
And I know you, 'cause I was you.
And so the next time
you've just boned some hot bartender with an app idea
and you're sitting in his bathroom
staring at his shower crusted with pubes
and that fucking Fight Club, Reservoir Dogs, Scarface poster,
I want you to remember my face.
They can be a never-never land.
Never growing up, never aging.
But those eggs?
Those huevos rancheros?
They are.
Your eggs are.
Alright, have a great night, honey.
- So good to see you, Nellie. - So good to see you.
- Freeze those eggs. - Thank you.
Okay, lovers, this next one's for you.
It's baby making time.
Can I fill you up?
Fill me up.
Oh.
Oh, yeah. You like that?
Mmm.
I think I'm gonna pee.
Yeah, yeah, I'm definitely gonna pee.
Maybe you're gonna squirt.
Yeah, I'm gonna squirt pee.
Did you cum?
Oh, fuck.
What?
I lost it.
Are you sure you lost it in me?
Ow.
No, no, no.
Morning, Parveen.
You wish, Colleen.
So, pot is like wafting through the hallways. Right?
So the guard goes into the cell, he's looking for the pot.
He finds the pot. Then they find his cellphone,
- an MP3 player, and a bunch of cash. - Whoa.
And the guard says, "What's going on, buddy?
You've been in here for, like, 30 minutes."
He looks up at 'em slow and he says,
"I don't know. But my ass is bleeding."
Oh!
- Oh! - Jesse!
- Come on, at the table? - I'm done.
The ass is bleeding.
Prison system's racist.
- Shut up. - You shut up.
- How's work for you, Nellie? - Mm-hmm.
- It's good. - Mm.
It's good. I'm starting to do earrings now.
- Little cherries... - How's Shawn?
- I don't know, Dad. - Why not?
Because for the 907th time, we broke up.
- They broke up. - They broke up, Richard.
- We broke up, Richard. - Alright. Alright. Well, I'm good.
Oh, no.
- Are you alright? - You stood up too fast.
You can't stand up anymore?
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah.
Look at me. I'm falling apart.
So when are you gonna give me grandkids?
- What? - It's true. He's falling apart.
- He's fine. - No, I'm not fine.
- I'm gonna die soon. Don't you care? - No.
Talk to your firstborn about grandchildren.
Look at him. He's got gray hair.
I'm a silver fox like Pop.
Oh, my God. Never say that again, ever.
- I don't want him procreating. - No.
- That's a terrifying thought. - Yeah. Nobody wants that.
- Nobody wants that. Yeah. - We talked about it.
- Well, I don't have a boyfriend. - You got Shawn.
- Oh, my God. Mom! - They broke up, Richard.
Alright. Alright. Whatever.
I'm just saying that it would be nice
to meet my grandchildren before I croak.
Well, I will manifest that for you.
You know what works better than manifesting,
- you little smart aleck? - What, Dad? Tell me.
- Anything. - Anything. Literally anything else.
Boys, cállense ya.
- Yeah, cállense. - Ya.
Ooh, Mama.
- ¿Qué pasa? - Ah.
My ass is bleeding.
Come on, Jesse.
I'm sorry.
[woman on TV ...Reproductive Dreams.
Take your future into your own hands.
It is our mission at Reproductive Dreams
to make healthcare an empowering experience
through empathetic care.
Join us in the movement. Schedule...
All my single ladies, am I right?
Welcome to Reproductive Dreams.
Know what we're looking at?
A baby?
Not yet.
I was testing you and you passed.
Hmm. Those are your follicles.
And down here, you look like, I'd say...
A virgin?
Definitely not. Okay.
Now let's, uh, let's go talk in the room.
Diminished ovarian what?
Diminished ovarian reserve.
Like I said, very common, but it does compromise fertility.
I'm 34.
Don't I have another few years
before I start... diminishing?
I don't even know if I want kids.
- I've seen Euphoria. - Totally understandable.
But you're telling me that if I decide that I do want kids
and I don't do something about it right now,
then I'll be diminished.
- Well, not necessarily. - Or I could give you my eggs
and you could freeze them and then I can thaw them out someday.
Well, it's not guaranteed, but it's a pretty good option to have.
I like options.
And this might not be the only one.
Plus, there are many ways to be a mom.
You can adopt, for example.
- There are donor eggs. - Hmm.
It's kind of like Russian roulette, wouldn't you say?
Get like a Jack the Ripper egg.
An incel egg?
That could be one of your eggs too.
Dare I ask? Ballpark? What am I looking at?
Give it to me. Just hit me.
- Alright. - No.
Just write it down.
Write it down and then just, um, pass it across the table like they do in the movies.
And I'll just read it. I'm gonna read it...
and cry.
Mmm.
Hey, I'm Mimi and I'm a sugar baby.
This is Prada, and this is actually my favorite Gucci bag.
One of my daddies really wanted to lick Nutella off of my toes,
so we did it and he got me this.
We made it a weekly thing.
That's a nice bag.
Facebook, yeah, duh.
Fucking everything at Facebook.
Give me money and I'll freeze my eggs.
What?
- Give me money. - Who are you talking to?
- I'm talking to you. - Why are you talking to me?
You helped me pay for LASIK, remember?
- I did? - Yes. I said, "Will you help me pay for LASIK?"
And you said, "I'll pay for one eye."
Well, that was very generous of me.
- Dad, I'm 34. - Oof.
I don't have a man or any legit prospects.
My ovarian reserve is diminishing by the second.
I need to flash freeze your grandchildren.
I don't want frozen grandchildren.
- I want live, warm ones. - Espérate.
What do you mean your ovarian reserve is diminishing?
I know that it's hard to believe
that a Latina might have difficulty procreating,
- but the fertility doctor told me. - Oh. What does that guy know?
- Right? - How do you know it's a guy,
- you sexist pig? - Statistics.
- It's statistics. - It's a scam. Honey, it's a scam.
They're scamming you. I mean, have you actually
seen anything diminishing?
You know, when you--
Do I have to dignify that question with an answer?
- What about your insurance? - - Sonja, they're not gonna pay
- for her millennial feminist voodoo. - - Correct.
It's definitely not voodoo. It's-- it's the future.
- Oh. - Thank you.
Yeah. You know, you could always sell your eggs too.
I'm not gonna sell my children.
How much do people pay?
Get out there and get a prospect
- so you don't have to freeze anybody. - Or, or get a surrogate, dude.
Only poor people are having their own babies these days.
That's a thing of the past. Trust me.
All the boys at the firm,
they make somebody else carry their baby
back to Turks and Caicos,
back to Bali, dog. It's sick.
- You and your broad can just party... - Hate it here.
- ...and like nothing changes. - Me too.
- Yeah, how does that even work? - Well, they just put all the--
They put everything inside of-- I have no idea.
Oh, my God, you nailed it!
- You guys nailed it. - This is everything.
Yes.
The next one is from Nellie.
- Ooh! - Ooh!
- Oh, my God. - Ooh!
Comfy, yet culturally questionable.
No, no, I-I literally just did 23andMe and I'm like 7% indigenous.
Well, there you go.
Thank you so much, Nell.
- I've missed you. - Miss you too.
Yeah, what's new with you, Nellie?
Well, actually, I'm, um, thinking about getting my eggs frozen.
Oh, well, that's amazing.
Maybe I should have a baby shower.
But you're not having a baby, you're just freezing.
- No, I know. - Baby shower is for babies.
- Right, totally. - Egg freezing is just an egg.
It was a joke, Jen. It was just a joke.
Well, I, um, I didn't even know that you wanted to have kids.
I'm not hundo P on kids, but I want the option.
And apparently, I'm about to be geriatric.
So...
You could meet your husband tomorrow and be engaged in six months
and have your baby the real way.
Yes, like Heidi.
Exactly.
Yeah, last week
I sent an unsolicited photo of my vagina
to a guy who ghosted me six months ago,
and I got no response, so, I don't know that I'm Heidi.
Egg freezing is super expensive, right?
- Didn't I hear it causes early menopause? - - Mmm.
And doesn't each frozen egg have, like, a 5% chance of becoming an actual baby?
Oh, I don't-- I don't know the stats.
Yeah, that's why you gotta get, like, 20 eggs.
Most of 'em won't be viable, and then some won't survive freezing,
and then thawing is like a whole other...
Claire.
She had to do it, like, three times.
I mean, the first time around,
she took the wrong, like, trigger shot or whatever
and then she ovulated like 12 preemies.
And then she had to do it all over again,
pay for the drugs all over again.
And then she only got, like, seven eggs
and then she had to do it a third time
just to even have a shot at getting a baby out of it.
Yeah.
But, hey, I am so super stoked for you.
- Do you still talk to Shawn? - Yeah, yeah.
I-I mean, not so much lately, but there's no bad blood.
Why did you guys break up?
You were such a cute couple.
Uh, well, we were just on different paths.
Well, bless.
You do not need a man.
I know!
Oh, my God!
- I need to borrow eight grand. - No.
I need to freeze my spider monkeys.
No.
You said it was the future.
Drive for Uber or give blow jobs for cash.
- These are my two choices? - Sophie's Choice.
I've never seen that movie.
Well, now you don't have to. Look at that.
Why can't you be a decent human being for once in your life?
You have a gazillion sperm in your sac.
You drive a Tesla. You're rich.
I am very comfortable, yes.
Look at you, you bougie bitch.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you even smell rich.
You didn't use to smell like this, like a Redwood cabin in Yosemite.
You used to smell like butthole.
I've always smelled rich.
Goddamn it, Jesse. I never ask you for anything.
You asked me for Coachella tickets a month ago.
That was a suggested gift.
Why would I buy you gifts?
Because you're the man in my life.
That is bleak. That's like so sad.
It's not funny. Don't smile at that.
That's yucky.
You wanna talk bleak?
If I don't spend 13K to freeze my eggs,
I might never be able to have kids.
Meanwhile, you're gonna wait till you're 70
with your old oatmeal balls to have a baby with an influencer.
That is so-- That is-- Okay.
That is accurate and I'm not embarrassed about it.
Okay, I'm trolling on Raya hard right now.
So if one of these sloots wants to catch it when I'm 70,
- so be it. - I'll pay you back.
- How? - Well, I was hoping
that we could talk specifics later.
Okay. I want interest.
Of course, you do.
And I want half.
Half?
- Oh, you want half. You want half of my eggs. - Okay, that's my counter.
- Oh, so here's the thing. - So take it or fuck off.
You don't get to own half of my eggs,
because this isn't the fucking Handmaid's Tale.
Get out of my fucking office. Adults are working.
The adults are working?
You flew to Colombia to do cocaine.
Get out of my office now. Leave.
Make me.
- Get the fuck out. I'm not joking. - Make me. Make me. Make me.
Get the fuck out.
Get out. Okay, stop, stop.
- No, hey! - Help me, Hunter.
- She's fine. Shut up. - Hunter, I'm not fine.
Shut the fuck up.
- She's okay. She's kidding. - I'm not okay.
- This is a joke that we do. - I'm not kidding.
- Shut up! - It's not a joke.
Go back to work. Go back to fucking work.
Dude, you are so immature.
You're so fucking immature.
Okay, you know what? 8K. You're gonna get 8K.
And you're gonna have two months to pay me back with 1K interest.
And if that folds, you owe me all the eggs.
They're mine, free and clear.
What the fuck are you gonna do with my eggs, you sicko?
I don't know. But I'll be able to do whatever I want with them
and I don't have to tell you, because they're my fucking eggs then.
Goddamn it. Deal.
- I hate you. - Hey, hey. Don't fucking tell Dad.
- Thank you, Jess. - Get the fuck out.
Freak.
So it's ten to 12 days
of injections and ultrasounds.
Then it's the trigger shot.
Then it's the retrieval surgery, which I'm under for.
Surgery?
Pobrecita mi bebé.
Mom, it's a needle. It's over in, like, 15 minutes.
And when does it all start?
Any day. I'm just waiting for my period.
- Mmm. - Oh, come on, I'm eating here.
- Well, we're all rooting for you, Anita. - Thank you, Mama.
I can't believe you're paying thousands of dollars for this and it's not even guaranteed.
Is anything in this life guaranteed, Dad?
You know what's guaranteed? Eviction, when you can't pay your rent.
Well, the universe provides.
Who did--
Don't ever say that again. Don't ever say that again.
The universe does not provide.
But a husband will. Go get one of those.
Oh, my God, Dad. A husband.
Yes, I'll just get married, so that I too can have a ginger son and a divorce
- by the time I'm 30. - - Well, you missed that boat, didn't you?
You don't get the luxury of a practice marriage when you're 33.
I'm 34. You don't even know how old I am.
Because you were born so goddamn long ago, I forgot.
You know what? You should feel guilty. You should.
- This is your doing, both of you. - Yo?
- What? - Actually, the sex talk you gave me was,
"Don't do it ever,
because you will get pregnant and your life will be trash."
And then one day I woke up and you were like,
"Where are my grandkids? Why aren't you pregnant?
Your life is trash."
That is so false.
You gave me baby shoes for Christmas.
- It's true, you did. - They were little moccasins.
Why are you buying me baby moccasins? I regifted that shit.
- Why would you do that? - Uh, because we're not Native American.
And one more time for the cheap seats,
I am without child.
They were motivational, Nell.
You're 34 years old.
Well, I'm still on your Verizon plan.
- Is that true? - Oh, yeah, we all are.
The family plan. I'm part of this family, am I not?
Get off the Verizon plan!
What's the matter with you? Grow up!
Being a woman is like being an avocado.
You're ripe for a millisecond,
and then, whoops, you're brown, geriatric guck.
- No, she's bugging me now. - You're bugging me now.
- I can't eat. - Cállate, Richard.
Ma.
Mm-hmm.
Last hurrah.
Mom, I'm gonna sleep here tonight, okay?
Okay, Anita.
Thank you, Phinneas.
Love you.
Hi. Double vodka soda, please.
Nellie.
Oh, my God, Preston!
Holy shit.
You still hang out here?
Ugh. Look who's talking, dick.
I haven't been here since senior year.
I know that. I'm here a lot.
Damn it, I didn't know you came to the Valley anymore.
I was just looking for a throwback, I guess.
Who are you with?
Just me.
So what else is going on?
- Oh, you know. - No, I don't know.
I mean, I know what's going on on Instagram.
I'll bet you do, stalker.
- You wish. - You wish I wished.
- How's work? - It's fine.
Working with my dad.
He's still a piece of work.
Dads ain't it, man?
Dads ain't it.
I was sorry to hear about you and Ember.
Were you?
Yes, I was.
- I want you to be happy. - Okay.
You should appreciate me saying that.
- That's very big of me. - That is big of you.
Considering you cheated on me at homecoming.
- Yep. - Mmm.
- I still remember that. - Very sorry about that.
I was a real piece of shit.
You were, thank you.
Nellie Robinson. Fuck.
I always thought you'd be off
- in New York by now. - New York?
Yeah, didn't you always use to say that?
That you're gonna move to New York?
- I said a lot of things, didn't I? - Mm-hmm.
- A lot of things. I was gonna go to UCLA. - It was a reach.
That was a reach. It was a reach.
Um, I was gonna spend a few years
- in Paris, right? - Mmm.
Be a celebrity jewelry designer.
Marry Lance Bass.
Ugh, so close.
So close.
Wait, you are a jewelry designer though, right?
Not a celebrity one, no, no, but thank you.
Well, it's never too late.
Now, I was gonna play for the Niners.
It's never too late.
Oh, fuck you.
You know, this place, not as fun getting in with a real ID.
Yeah, on most nights. Wish they would just tell me to fuck off.
Go back to drinking at Lena's,
hooking up in the car.
But only second base.
- Only second base. - That's right.
I miss those blue balls.
Me too.
Is that your prom dress?
You know it.
Finally.
God, you smell so good.
- I smell good? - Yeah.
- What do I smell like? - Oh, like vanilla, cupcakes.
Cupcakes.
At the fucking cafeteria.
Cafeteria.
God, remember the time in the car?
Uh-huh. What time?
- You were wearing those panties. - What panties?
Mm, the ones with the... the Wednesday on the ass.
Oh.
- Wednesday. - Mm-hmm.
But it was not--
Oh, God, it was a Monday.
Time to pee-pee.
- Well... Oh. - Mmm.
Get home safe.
Yeah.
Hey, I know I don't have to tell you this,
but let's not talk about this, right?
- Oh, shit, I already tweeted it. - Ha-ha.
Yeah, no, it's just Ember and I are working on our trust,
- so if she thinks-- - Wait, what?
What?
What about Ember?
We're, you know, working on stuff.
I thought you got divorced.
We were separated.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
That was like six months ago.
You're not wearing a ring.
We're getting new ones. Ember wanted an upgrade.
Oh, fuck me.
Okay. It's okay. Look,
I think this was just building up for a while, okay?
- And we just-- We needed to do it. - No, no, no.
I don't know that we did, nope.
Let's just relax and...
I will see you soon.
Cool, see you never.
Ugh.
Shut up.
No drinking, not even rosé.
No smoking, not even weed.
One coffee a day.
Yeah. Rough.
How do we feel... about shrooms?
No exercise.
Finally, some good news.
Does that include sex?
Like if I just lied there, a beached whale.
Honey, you are gonna be so bloated,
you are not even gonna want to.
But like if I did want to?
Ali, I'm a single Etsy seller in my 30s.
My vices are kind of a lifestyle.
No whale sex, copy that.
And you are done.
Last question.
What if I screw this up?
You're not gonna screw this up, you're gonna do great.
- I flipped a boat. - There's a boat?
In high school, on my marine biology trip to the wetlands.
My teacher said it would never happen.
It hadn't happened in 20 years of teaching,
but I was just trying to put the mud on my face.
She said it was good for your skin
and I must have leaned too far over,
because I capsized the canoe.
And my whole boat had to spend the rest of the day in the van
and everybody was super pissed at me.
So what if I flip the boat...
- again? - Okay.
You are not a boat.
I'm not a boat.
You got this.
Ugh.
Hi, Parveen.
Let's go through the steps to help you inject Menopur with confidence.
Place the tip of the Q-cap...
- Oh. - ...over the top of the vial.
Do not shake the vial as this will cause air bubbles.
Do not remove the needle cap
until you're ready for your injection.
Push the plunger down
to empty any remaining air from the syringe
and tap the barrel of the syringe,
- so that any air bubbles rise to the top. - Right.
This is Nellie Robinson. Um, I'm trying to reach somebody, a nurse or anyone.
Uh, I just have a-- a quick question. I'm, um...
I'm doing my first, um, round of injections
and I just wanted to know, if I inject an air bubble, if I die.
Looks like a good spot.
One, two, three.
That was fine. That was fine. That didn't hurt.
That was fine.
One more.
Whoo!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
You know, the size of the eggs that I'm gonna freeze?
Like the size of a strand of hair.
- Damn. - Something the size
of a strand of hair
can change the course of your entire life.
Girl, one ejaculation can change the course of your life.
A single "Hey, stranger" text. Yeah.
What I did with Preston could have produced a child.
A bastard child.
Thank God we're in California.
Hey, that just wasn't your fault.
Oh, I am aware.
I did the ring check, I brought up the wife, I was bamboozled.
- Hoodwinked, even. - Thank you.
That man is so 2000 and late.
- Oh! - Yeah! Had to bring
- the Black Eyed Peas into it. Yeah. - Black Eyed Peas.
He peaked in high school.
- Damn. - Mm-hmm.
Maybe I peaked in high school.
Girl, you haven't peaked yet.
Yeah, you're right. I'm like J.Lo. I'm gonna peak
when I'm, like, 80.
- That's the spirit. - But if I'm like J.Lo,
then why am I borrowing 8K from my brother to freeze my eggs?
Because you're buying time.
Someone who's good enough for you is hard to come by.
I have had sex with a lot of men, She.
- And I am aware. - And you're telling me that none of them
were suitable for procreation or life?
Am I not suitable for life?
You are very suitable for life.
My mom moved to America, learned English,
went to college and grad school in English,
met my dad, fell in love, got married, had me,
all by the time she was, like, 27.
She's legit the American dream. What have I ever done?
You're a legend, that's what. Do not listen to the hormones.
The hormones are lying to you.
How are you handling these fuckers so well?
Hmm. I can, I guess.
You know, in high school, after we would hook up, he'd be like...
- "Time to pee-pee." - "Time to pee-pee."
You remember. She, he still says it.
- No. - Yes.
Can I help you ladies with anything?
- Oh, we're good. Thank you. So much. - I'm good. Thanks.
Ember married the "time to pee-pee" guy.
The bar is subterranean.
But you know what, to be fair to her, she was a freshman.
She's got on, like, high school goggles.
I am in no position to judge, believe me.
- You know what my biggest pet peeve is? - Hmm?
"When you're not looking, Nellie, that's when you'll find him."
Ugh, I hate that shit so much.
"When you're whole, Nellie, that's when he'll appear."
Like, okay, Brinley, who was on every dating app invented, including Jdate,
- even though she's Catholic? - Mm-hmm.
- Swiped right on every dude within a 90-mile radius. - True.
Told everyone that if she wasn't engaged by 30, she'd slit her wrists.
- She did say that. Mm-mm. - She said that, remember that shit?
- That was sad. - Mazel, Brinley.
I guess that's what wholeness looks like.
Nellie, you could be married tomorrow if you wanted.
- Just hasn't been a priority. - Should have been.
You dated a bunch of losers. And then there was Shawn.
Ooh, I'm sorry to bring him up.
You're telling me the only guy that I have ever dated
that was worthy of procreation was Shawn?
- Correct. - I find that statistically hard to believe.
Mm, yes.
One of the guys from the pile
- has to be worth a second shot. - Do they?
Yes! I mean, think about it. Finally over his ex.
Over his Peter Pan syndrome. Over the apps.
Over living with three roommates,
eating Chipotle every night like an animal.
Maybe it's time to get proactive.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- I have to fart. - Throwback to...
- I have to fart and I'm gonna fart. - Okay.
- Might wanna... tsk, head that way. - Yeah, I'm gonna...
- Ma'am, hold your nose. - Okay.
Why did we stop doing this?
Oh, you tell me.
I'm glad you texted me, but what--
what made you text me?
I was just thinking about you.
- And other... old friends. - Yeah?
I'm spending $13,000 that I don't have to freeze my eggs.
- Oh, wow. - Which sort of feels like punishment
for not finding my person.
And honestly, maybe, maybe I'm the problem.
Everybody else seems to have figured it out. Maybe I lack maturity.
Maybe I didn't see this through.
And I wanna be someone that sees things through. So...
So you're in this, like, existential quest to find your person right now?
That's one way of putting it. I feel dumb. That was a lot.
- Are you ready to leave? - No, yeah, yeah.
- Bye. - Bye. See ya.
No. Actually, no, I-I, uh...
I wanted to thank you, Nellie. I-I learned a lot from our relationship.
- Really? - Yeah.
I learned that I can just be me, you know?
The-the nice guy. That-that-that's enough.
Of course, it's enough. I love a nice guy.
"Love a nice guy."
That's interesting.
My therapist explained to me that some people,
they don't know how to love.
That they're broken.
They wouldn't know love if it was sitting right in front of them.
Staring them in the eyes, drinking a PBR.
- Uh... - I would have given you everything.
I would have given you a kid, naturally.
Instead, you're off freezing your eggs like it's frozen fruit.
Like you're making smoothies.
Ugh, I don't wanna cry.
- Don't cry. - I remember you telling me,
"Oh, you wanna just be friends. Let's just be friends."
Well, friends don't treat each other
like cold, heartless bitches.
I'm sorry for calling you a "bitch." You're not one.
I'm just vulnerable as shit.
- I'm sorry. Women, they-- - Oh, yeah.
They say they like that stuff, but they don't like that stuff.
- They pretend. - Oh, right.
They wanna be friends, they wanna be friends, whatnot.
Who gives a shit? You text me four years later
when you're dried up and alone!
Now that that's out,
do you wanna split some calamari?
It's so good to see you, Nellie.
You have always had a light about you.
Thank you. I mean, you seem great.
Are you still living at your parents' spot,
- or-- - No, no, no, no. I live, uh, with--
Well, we call ourselves a "spiritual collective."
But that term, it's reductive.
We sing together, we break bread,
we dream. We dream together.
So like a cult?
Wow, wow. I forgot how funny you are, Nellie.
No.
Words can't really describe what it is.
- So, I'm gonna show you. Yes! - Right now?
You gotta experience it for yourself. Come.
Catch me up. How's the finance life?
- Things are good. Things are good. - Still in love with your ex?
Just kidding.
- Wait. There's like a, um, there's like a light. - Oh. Ha!
Is that an ankle bracelet?
Yeah. Uh, don't worry though,
my probation officer is super chill.
She doesn't--
That is her. I gotta get the fuck out of here, but you wanna come with?
- Oh, thank you. I'm good. - I'll let you sit on my face.
That's such a nice offer. I'm-I'm-- I think I'm still good.
Great to see you, Nellie.
Okay.
Thirst trap.
Got ya.
You look good.
Huh.
Well, I got you a vodka soda.
Oh, I, uh, I'm not actually drinking right now.
- I'm sort of prepping for a-- - A 5K?
- Something like that, yeah. - Good for you.
Uh, could we get two waters, please? Thanks.
Well, I was surprised that you wanted to catch up.
I mean, it's, uh, it's been what, a few years?
And I'm pretty sure you blocked my number.
- Did I? - I think so, yeah.
Well, you know, you, uh, you kind of led me on for a minute there.
I don't remember that. I remember being kind of bummed.
I... I enjoyed hanging out.
Totally. You just only wanted to hang out once every three weeks
at 2:00 a.m.
Naked.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, Nellie. That wasn't my intention.
Ugh. You were honest.
You were not looking for anything serious.
And I was doing the girl thing,
trying to make it into something it wasn't,
trying to change you, which isn't cool.
So, I'm sorry too.
We had some good times, right?
Yes.
Yes, we did.
To you and your exemplary penis.
Okay, well...
Well, thank you.
Mm-hmm. Anyway.
What's new?
Not much. Well, I, I got engaged.
What? Wait.
- Ella. She's amazing. - Um...
We met at a Halloween party last year.
She was dressed as a loofah and I was dressed as a bar of soap.
You dressed as a bar of soap for Halloween?
We were dancing to Michael Jackson. "Thriller," obviously.
And-and-and what does she do?
She's a nurse.
Like a real nurse? Like, um...
Not like a nurse on Grey's Anatomy?
No, like a real nurse, yeah.
She went to Stanford and then she modeled for a little while after.
- As one does. - But she didn't find it fulfilling.
- Right, right, right, right. - And so she...
went to nursing school and joined the Peace Corps.
Mmm.
Naturally. And-and you?
- Are you still working at the restaurant? - At the restaurant, yeah.
Yeah, we both work nights so it's perfect.
Sounds really compatible.
- Are you gonna drink your water? - It really is.
I mean, I wish forever would start yesterday.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah. - Wow, Sterling.
You're getting married.
I did not see that coming.
And to a nurse, a real nurse.
- Look at you. - I overachieved.
You know, I didn't think you were the marrying type.
Why? Why-why do you think that?
Maybe because when we dated--
- Hung out. - You were 40,
had never had a relationship past three months,
and worked in a restaurant where you had fucked
every other server and hostess and gave me chlamydia.
Okay, well, how does that make me not the marrying type?
I really am sorry that I wasn't your person.
- I'm not. Believe me. - But you were crazy.
- Excuse me? - After nine months of hanging out,
you come to me with this, "W-what are we doing?"
Calm down, huh? I mean, you said it yourself.
You were trying to turn me into something that I wasn't. Okay?
At least, not for you.
You're right.
I was trying to turn a hoe into a housewife.
- Nice. That's-that's slut shaming.
This is the problem with dating.
Nurse/models are marrying 45-year-old waiter fuckboys!
We never dated. We hung out!
Here we go.
Whew.
How many times a day do you get, "At least buy me dinner first, Doc"?
I never get that. That would be embarrassing for them.
Okay. Check 'em out.
They're growing.
Can I get a copy of that?
You want a picture...?
Oh, the-- Yeah, yeah. Mary. Mary, let's, uh...
Let's get a picture.
- Nellie! - Hey there, wifey!
You didn't have to bring a gift.
- Aw. - I know you're paying to freeze your eggs
- and all that. - Okay, shut up. Don't make it weird.
I'm so happy to see you. I've missed you.
Things have just been so crazy with the remodel and the...
- Ah... - Oh, my God.
You're a Kardashian. You're gonna get robbed at gunpoint.
- I know, right? - Yeah.
I have to give you something. Hold on.
Your engagement party and I'm getting gifts.
What is this?
"Will you be my bridesmaid?"
I'm so surprised.
And I know you're gonna have the bachelorette party on lock.
- Yeah, you know it! Uh-huh. - Yeah!
You know.
Preston and Ember!
- You invited Preston? - No.
Oh. Shit, no, I forgot. They live, like, five minutes away
and she's been helping with the bathroom remodel.
And Ryan and Preston have been hanging out. Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good, I'm good. - Hey there, Mrs. Mayfield!
Hey, girl. Hi!
Let me see it again. Ooh!
- You did so good. - I know, right?
Ugh. Nellie!
- Hi! - Hey, Ember. How are you?
Incredible.
- Hey. - Hey.
Um, baby, will you go get me a LaCroix with lime?
- Pamplemousse? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, you brought them! - Oh, yeah. Your favorite.
- Nell, you gotta try one. - Oh, okay.
You'll have to excuse her. She's addicted.
I picked the tomatoes from my garden
and I actually made the mozzarella myself.
- You made this? - Mm-hmm. I just can't trust anything
in the store-bought stuff these days, you know?
- Totally. - I actually make all my own cheeses.
- Do you have a cow? - No, Nellie.
I don't have a cow. What is wrong with her?
So, like, just from your own breast milk, or--
Hello? New business idea.
Oh, thank you.
So, Nell, what have you been up to these days?
Are you still doing that, um,
little, um... Etsy thing? Right?
- Just doing that little Etsy thing. Yep. - Mmm.
- Great. - And you? What are you up to?
Ember is an incredible interior designer.
Yes, work has been amazing, but kicking my ass.
So I am just beyond ready to take some time off.
So Preston and I are gonna spend a couple of weeks in the Amalfi Coast.
I'm so jealous.
Right where he proposed.
Positano Beach, on our last sunset.
- He was so nervous. - No...
He was sweating like a hog.
Well...
Truth is, he had the ring in his pocket the entire trip,
but every sunset, he just kept chickening out.
- Mm-hmm. - Aw.
Sounds so romantic. Would you excuse me?
Time to pee-pee.
- Yo! Man of the hour! - Hey. What's up?
- What's going on? Look at all this! - Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding? - I know. I can't believe it.
Damn it, Nell. I miss you, man. I feel like I don't see you anymore.
- You know, I get that a lot. - Well, where have you been?
In the world of excommunicated singles.
- Shut up. - Stop being invited to the couple shit
when you're no longer a couple.
Nell, you're always invited.
You say that now, it's not long till you're off to the world of parents.
Fuck.
Yikes. Been nice knowing ya.
- Yeah. - Mmm.
Hey, how's Shawn? Or--
I'm sorry. Well, I don't know. I mean, do you guys still talk?
No, um, not so much lately. He's...
He's got a new girlfriend.
Wish them all the best.
May peace be with them.
Insert whatever it is that grown-ups say.
Poor guy. I mean...
It's gotta suck to lose someone like you, Nell.
Sucks losing someone like him.
Tell me to fuck off if this is, like, the stupidest question ever, okay? But...
what happened between you guys?
Nellie! Hi! Wait, sorry. I just heard about Shawn.
- Heard what? - Oh, shit, I thought you would've seen on the socials.
No, we're not--
- Um, he didn't do anything. - Oh.
It was more for me, so that I wouldn't...
Anyway, what, what-what happened?
His new girlfriend. She's so pretty. What is her name?
Michelle.
She's pregnant.
Wow.
Peace be with them.
- Hey, why don't you... Come on. - Yeah.
Everyone! Everyone! Circle up!
Come on, guys. Every one of you have been a part of our love story.
- No, really like-- - I want you to remember this, you know?
- This is for you guys, seriously.
- You know, I mean, we'll have ours. - Yeah.
But this is-- This day, we wanted this for you.
- Oh, and Jim and Diane, please. - Jim, yes.
- Thank you so much. - Please, thank you so much.
I'm so sorry. I did not mean to drop that bomb on you.
- It's fine, Jen. Don't worry about it. - I thought you guys
- were still friends. - Fuck off, Jen.
- Fuck off. - I feel really bad.
You don't need to feel bad for me.
So, you guys are newer friends,
and love that we have our old friends here.
- Not everyone knows how we met. - Oh, my God.
So, Ryan's really good at telling this story.
Okay, does anyone really not know how we met at this point?
- Yeah, whoo! - ...that's how we introduce ourselves.
- Okay? Uh... - He's so good at telling the story.
Story, story, story, story.
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
Hi.
How was your week?
- Huh? - How was your week?
Oh. I don't like to live in the past.
Totally. Yeah.
Is that...? Is that a Nestor Wheats?
- Nestor... - His shit is fucking provocative.
Look at that.
Wow. The complex layering of chaos and harmony right there.
Yeah, that's actually a Lachlan Fletcher.
Um, this toddler I used to babysit for.
Oh. Fire.
Why aren't you dancing?
- Oh, I thought you were, like, vibing. - Come here.
Close your eyes.
My mother used to do this to me when I was little and stressed out.
Were you stressed out a lot when you were little?
What troubles you, Nellie?
- What troubles me? - Yeah.
Speak it.
I don't know.
Only you know.
I feel like I'm running out of time.
- Time. - Time.
Nellie, time is an illusion.
It's just a mental construct.
You're gonna let a mental construct ruin your life?
That'd be a pretty stupid way to go through--
Oh, God, I missed you.
Oh, I'm gonna keep some clothes on.
- Why? It's your body. - It's...
It's all dewy and...
dripping.
- Um, I'm sort of, um... - Mmm.
I'm freezing my eggs.
Oh, wow.
Good for you, Nellie.
Thank you.
You're bearing fruit.
I am.
I wanna taste you.
- Good idea. - Yeah?
Oh.
I wanna be inside you.
Mmm. I gotta be inside you.
- Oh... - You're in bloom.
Um, I'm not supposed to.
This is super bloom.
Yeah, but I'm not supposed to.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Okay. Um, maybe just the tip?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay.
Oh.
Um...
Let me-- let me try this. Okay, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah? - Here, um, okay, yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? - Yep, let's go.
Yeah. Yeah, that's good.
- Yeah, that's good. Yeah. - Yeah?
Fuck, you're ripe.
Oh, I can feel them.
- What? - Oh, yeah, your eggs.
- No, no. Get off, get off! - Oh, you're like overflowing.
Get off! Don't touch them!
They're mine!
Okay.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. Um...
but you gotta get the fuck out.
Hi, I'm Nellie Robinson. I called last night.
Yep.
Yes?
You're pregnant.
What?
I'm just kidding.
Did you really fall for that?
Everything looks good.
- We're okay? - We're okay.
- Oh, my God. - In fact, we're just about there.
- Okay. - Okay, go ahead and get dressed
and, uh, Ali will talk to you in the office.
What the fuck?
Oh, my God, She, you're not--
I feel like I failed.
No, you didn't fail.
Then why did this happen, Nell?
I don't know why it happened.
But...
I fucking love you.
There's a support group my therapist told me about,
pregnancy loss.
Will you come with me?
Of course.
Nice bangs, by the way.
- Really? - No.
"Until I join you in heaven...
Besitos, corazón."
Yes, Nora.
Whenever you're ready.
I wrote mine on...
"Dear Winnie. I've lived most of my life without you.
But from the moment I found out you were here, everything changed.
I started planning immediately.
The tea parties we'd have, the playgrounds I'd take you to,
driving you to your first dance,
trying to talk you out of plucking your eyebrows."
"Teaching you how to drive, how to cook a chicken,
how to chase your dreams.
It kills me that we never got to do any of these things.
I'm so sorry, Winnie."
"But...
we are so lucky that you chose us to be your moms.
You weren't here very long,
but you have Mommy's heart forever."
Beautiful, Nora.
Anybody else?
Yes.
- Hi. - Oh, hi.
No, I'm so sorry. I'm-I'm--
I'm not actually going through a--
I was here for my friend and-and she's not coming now, sorry.
Um, I'm actually...
I'm going through the process of freezing my eggs right now
in the hopes that someday I too can know the joy of miscarriage.
No, no, no, sorry.
As soon as it was coming out of my mouth, I was like, "Abort!"
Fuck. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
How has it been so far?
Freezing your eggs?
Yeah, good, good, good, good. Yeah. Um...
I guess it's just like bringing up some stuff.
I'm either going through a renaissance
or amidst the worst crisis of my lifetime.
I feel really fucking stupid talking about this here when all--
Nothing is stupid to talk about here.
- Mmm. - Sit down, please.
Stay.
Oh.
Okay.
Um...
my ex and I broke up a year ago.
He wanted kids.
He's a bit older than me and he was tired of waiting.
But I wasn't ready. I'm not ready.
So I left.
I didn't wanna leave. I really, really didn't wanna leave.
But he would have never left me.
And I couldn't hold him back.
He's the most amazing human. Like, the best human.
He's everything. He's grown-up.
He bought his mom a MacBook Pro for Christmas.
And he knows how to fold that, the stretchy sheet with the--
with the waistband.
- Fitted sheet. - The fitted sheet.
He knows how to fold that without even YouTubing it.
He's gonna be the most epic dad ever.
Like a dad from a minivan commercial.
Ah, his grilled cheese is always that perfect golden color.
It tastes like home.
He tastes like home.
So, yeah.
The past year, I've sort of been a little...
homeless.
My grilled cheese is always burnt.
Or cold, unmelted.
I'm wearing swimsuit bottoms, 'cause I haven't done my laundry in weeks.
I did Molly at a wedding last month.
Alone.
I don't really know what kind of mom I'd be.
But I'm freezing my eggs.
Because...
procreation.
Creating life.
What? That's...
That's pretty epic, right?
A baby is like the physical manifestation of...
teamwork.
Partnership.
Seems like something worth fighting for.
The irony is,
I don't know if I've ever felt so...
alone.
- This is your final trigger shot. Okay? - Yep.
It must be taken exactly 36 hours before your procedure.
- Okay. - That means 9:00 p.m. Not 9:01.
- Not 9:30. Exactly 9:00 p.m. Okay? - Okay. Yep.
Fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh, my God!
She looks terrible.
- You look terrible. Ew. - Cállate, Richard.
I'm a human baby farm at the moment.
I'm so sorry if my appearance isn't to your liking, Commander.
- Hello, hormones. - Hello.
Just today. Just today. One day.
Can you pretend to be a loving, supportive father just for a day?
How have I not been supportive?
How have you been supportive? All you've done is tell me
that my egg freezing is voodoo and I should get back with Shawn.
- She's right. - All I said
was that this new-age technology is grotesquely expensive
- and you don't have the money. - Accurate.
- But you do have Shawn. - Drop it, Richard.
- I don't have Shawn. - She doesn't have Shawn.
All she needs to do is write him a text with one of those,
- the faces thing. What is that? - Emoji.
- With an emoji. - His girlfriend's pregnant.
¿Qué?
- What? - Fuck.
- Is it serious? - What do you mean "is it serious"?
Sounds pretty fucking serious, Pop.
Are you crying?
- No, I'm okay. - Yes, she's crying.
Of course, she's crying. Hell, I'm about to cry. No, that--
that could be you.
Don't you think I wanted it to work out?
Oh, I don't know. Did you?
No, no, you're right, actually. I-I really enjoy
being alone and heartbroken, and told that my eggs are dying
while I go to weddings and baby showers every goddamn weekend.
- You enjoy that? - No, Dad!
No. I don't enjoy spending $70 to go to fucking stork parties
where I shower pregnant bitches with gifts while they act like they cured cancer.
"You did it! You had sex without a condom!"
I can do that. I do do that.
- Jesus Christ. - ¡Ay, Dios mío!
Where's my party, huh? I want a party.
I want a fucking stork party!
You're on your own, Pop.
I'm the one shooting myself up with hormones,
mixing my meds like I'm Dr. fucking Fauci,
growing 20 eggs at once like I'm Octomom.
Can your body do that? Can your body grow eggs? Huh?
- No. - No? It can't? Can your body?
- No. - What was that?
- No. - No, it can't.
You know why?
'Cause this shit ain't easy.
Getting knocked up? That! That is the easy shit.
Well, then why have you had so much trouble?
- Ya, cállate. - I'm just saying.
Dad, shut up.
I haven't had that much trouble, actually.
I have the old receipt from Planned Parenthood to prove it.
Nellie.
What does that mean?
It's time to shut up.
- She's a mess. - No, Richard!
You're a mess!
I'm not gonna do it.
Fuck!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God.
Nellie?
Nellie!
What are you doing?
I don't know.
Congratulations.
Last one, the last one.
You got it. You got it.
It's okay.
Okay. Yeah.
You fucking serious?
Are you fuck-- Fucking Parveen!
Fucking...
Parveen, I don't know anything about you.
Except that you probably consider me a common street whore.
Well, I prefer the term "sexually empowered."
A 21st century woman. Yeah.
And not that it's any of your business,
but I had a boyfriend.
Yeah, I did. For a long time.
But it didn't work out.
And it wasn't my fault.
I tried very hard. We both did.
Now it's just me.
It's just me.
And life isn't a Taylor Swift song, okay?
There's no scarves.
There's no lakes.
There's no Wednesdays in a cafe.
Life is actually like you're dancing,
you're having a good time,
and then suddenly the music stops.
And everyone grabs a chair.
And you're just standing there with your dick in your hand.
'Cause this whole time you thought it was a dance party? No.
It's not a dance party.
It's one long game of musical chairs, Parveen.
Well, I may not have a chair/man,
or a baby, or a house,
or fancy health insurance, or my own Verizon plan,
but I have science.
Yup. I have enough. I am enough.
And I'm not gonna let you, or my dad, or Ember,
or any of these dudes make me feel like I failed,
because I am doing my best
to take care of me.
And right now, that means sticking this needle in my stomach.
And I don't know how junkies do it, because it hurts, and I'm tired.
And my stomach is covered in little holes and bruises. But this is it.
This is the last one, and I've done it.
Every single one all on my own, like a fucking boss.
#Feminism. Hoes before bros.
I've got this.
But it would be nice if someone...
would just like...
hold my hand.
So I just...
That was it.
Would you like some gulab jamun?
Yes.
Yes, I would.
What is gulab jamun?
Whoa.
Time to lay some eggs, baby.
Are you sure that you're okay to take me? I can call my mom.
Girl, stop. Get your ass in.
Come on.
There she is.
Doc, don't kill me now.
We got you, Nellie. You ready?
Ready.
Nita...
Nellie.
Hi.
How did we do?
We did good.
- Yo? - Yo.
What's up?
You know, just coming over
- to see my family. - Cool.
- Ew. - What?
- What? What? - What? What's your deal?
Move.
- Surprise! - What?
What is this?
Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs!
You're good. You're chilling.
- You're a good egg. - You're a good egg.
Me?
A rich egg.
- A very rich egg. - Very rich egg.
- A very rich egg. I'm a Fabergé egg. - Um...
You're a Fabergé egg.
The right guy's gonna come.
Or maybe not. Fuck it.
You got your eggs. Maybe you don't need a guy.
- Fuck guys. - Fuck guys.
- Yeah. - It would just be nice
if I didn't die alone.
What are you talking about? Look around, you bonehead.
Hey, never gonna happen.
Never.
And I'll always be here.
I'm the man in your life.
That was nice.
- It was kinda yucky. - Yeah.
- But it was nice. - Yeah.
I'm not gonna have your money in time.
- Are you serious? - Are you gonna take my egg babies?
No, I don't want the money and I don't want your egg babies.
- Praise be! - Ah, blessed be the fruit.
- Here. - Thanks.
- I'm a grandpa. - Ha.
Not-- No, not-- Not really. Half-ish.
- An egg-pa. You're an egg-pa. - Ah. Okay, well, I'll take it.
- Dad. - You know, when you were little,
man, you were spunky. You were...
"Don't you know?" That was your line.
"Don't you know? I'm going to school."
I know, Dad.
"It's my birthday, don't you know?" Ha...
You were little.
Uh, and Jess was little.
Wow.
Nothing will beat it.
Best days of my life.
And I miss it. I miss it, okay? I'm...
I'm sorry. I mean, look at me. I'm just an old fucker.
My teeth, my back.
I'm falling apart.
You're not falling apart.
Goddamn it.
You're not running out of time, Nell.
I am.
Mmm.
We've got time, old fucker.
Pfft.
Dear Eggs,
I hope you're not too cold in there.
I hope it's like Tahoe or Park City,
a winter wonderland with skiing,
and hot cocoa, and sweater weather.
They tell me that you're just my cells in a freezer, but...
you're more than that to me.
You've given me some pretty epic gifts.
Peace.
Time.
Possibility.
And who knows, maybe one day you'll join us in this warm world.
You'll be a real boy.
Or girl.
Or they.
Or maybe not.
Either way, there's something I want you to know.
You were no accident.
You were one of the most intentional things
that I have ever done.
And I'm proud...
of us.
So, thank you...
for everything.
Love...
Mom.
Get it, Parveen.
Oh, shit!
Get it, girl!
Get it, bitch!
A little bit low.
Oh, shit!