-[theme music plays] -[bird chirps]
[chomps]
[burps]
[sniffs]
-[glass breaks] -[Max shrieks]
-[grunts, panicked breathing] -Go, go, go, go, go! Agh!
See? Everything worked out.
[laughs]
Aw. I wanna be a ladder.
[burps]
[school bell rings]
Yeah, deodorant. We're in the big leagues now.
Oh, man, James. What happened?
Yesterday afternoon I tried out for a club.
-Which one? -Chess club.
Why were you trying out for the chess club?
'Cause I'm tired of being the only one I know without a thing.
Even my best friend has a thing.
You're king of your Competitive Feeling squad.
Oh, man, I'm trying so hard to find a thing,
I'm working up a sweat. And I've never sweated in my life.
[sniffs] Oh, yeah, you do got a little stink going on.
Don't worry though. I got just the thing.
-Here. Try this. -Thanks, man.
What are you doing, man? It goes in your pits.
Huh? "Warning: for underarm only"?
Hey, maybe that could be my thing.
The rebel who ignores warning labels.
Whoa, what's happening?
Salty… stinky…
Wait, these aren't tears. They're sweat.
Sweat? From your eyes? No way.
[school bell ringing]
And just in time for class.
Okay, Max, maybe no one will notice me behind your giant croc body.
Who said that? James? Where are you?
[screams, grunts]
[stammering] Hi.
[gasps]
Aww. Hey, James, you still upset I beat you out for the Chess Club?
I'm not sure if my fan club has any openings,
but don't worry. I can always check.
[scoffs] No!
And I'll have you know that you didn't beat me, Stuart.
I respectfully resigned when the club wouldn't hear my arguments
about the wrong naming of their chess pieces.
Why would the king have a cross on his head?
-And what's the bishop doing there? -[gasping]
[James] It's supposed to be a non-denominational sport.
You sound like you're standing up for yourself,
which makes me want to bully you more.
But your tears make me think you're already hurt by my previous insult,
and I don't want to waste any more energy on such a loser.
I'm gonna go.
Stop looking at me. I'm leaving.
Oh, this is it. This is what a walk of shame feels like.
[sighs] Oh good. It's finally wearing off.
Oh, way to go, James. Way to go!
Using your emotions to confuse
and overcome a competitor is some pretty advanced stuff.
Hoo-hoo! Color me impressed.
A competitor? Uh, don't you mean, bully?
You know, they're kind of one and the same
in the club I coach, Competitive Feelings.
It's a club where we use our feelings to win.
That's my thing.
[laughs] Oh, yes. Yes. It is. Max is our MVCB:
"Most Valuable Cry Baby."
But Max's long-standing rival, Smooth Jason…
Don't say his name. Don't say it!
He always gets into my head.
Smooth Jason texted me a picture of himself with last year's trophy,
and he's wearing crocodile boots.
-[crying] -Menacing. And fashionable.
Actually, you know what, James?
I just had to put one of our team members on the injured list--
sprained tear duct.
Hey.
How would you feel about joining the squad
for the big competition tomorrow?
Ooh, you would really help us out.
Yeah, thanks, but I don't know.
Well, we're about to start practice.
Just come check it out.
You won't know if it's your thing unless you try it.
[crowd walla]
[grunting]
Emotion.
Everyone. Everyone gather 'round. Gather 'round, everyone.
Everyone, this is James.
He's thinking of joining our squad.
Hi.
Well, don't just stand there waving.
Show everybody what you can do.
Oh, uh, okay. One sec.
[sniffles]
Wow.
[gasps] Oh my. From zero to puddle in 1.8 seconds.
I have never seen anyone do that.
James. James. You can totally crush Smooth Jason.
Destroy him. Pulpify him.
Boil him in his own second-place tears.
[clears throat]
Oh, we're finally going to win a championship.
[gasps]
-Way to go, James. Hip hip huzzah! -[cheering]
I found my thing, Max. Uh, do you hear them? I found my thing.
How can this be your thing? It's my thing.
You heard the applause, Max.
But your tears aren't even real. You're cheating.
[sighs] Is there a rule that says you can't use antiperspirant?
No. Why would anyone use antiperspirant for evil?
Well, then it's not cheating.
Hmm.
Come on, Max. I'm doing this for you, man.
You're having nightmares about Smooth Jackson.
It's "Smooth Jason."
Jackson, Jason, Joystick, pfft, whatever.
Look, I'll handle him for you.
Trust me. This is gonna be fun.
♪ ♪
Wow, big turnout today.
[grunts, groans]
Look at those smug rival schoolers
with their preppy clothes and their houses with stairs.
Oh money, money. I love money.
And there he is… Smooth Jason.
Now I know teachers aren't supposed to hate kids,
but I hate that kid.
♪ ♪
[sniffs, sighs]
[applause, cheering]
Sorry, I was just thinking of a puppy seeing its first sunrise.
[laughing]
[growling]
Okay, emoters. For this first round,
competitors will engage in emotional, AKA feelings, AKA mawkish debate.
Now in the left corner, we have Smooth Jason.
Champion, tender heart, rainbow tongue.
[swoons]
And in the right, we have, uh, Max.
Whoever moves the audience most wins.
And the topic: "Honesty in Sports."
On my mark, get set, emote!
Honesty in sports is important
because if you're not honest in sports, that means you're cheating.
Thanks for that, Max.
But I think the bigger question is… [sighs]
[sniffs, exhales] What is honesty?
[grunts]
[applause, cheering]
Breathtaking. Truly taking of breath.
Redirect! Don't worry, bud. I got this.
Sure, we could ask ourselves what honesty is
and sip philosophical tea from our little cups,
or we can get real and admit that it's okay
to not be totally honest in sports when honesty won't help the team win.
How many teams would try and get back in the game
if their coach told them they actually couldn't win? Zero.
And how many fights would break out
if teammates gave their honest opinion about each other all the time?
"You hit like a bag of marshmallows."
"Oh, yeah? Well your game's as weak as our country's infrastructure."
"Do you want to go?" "Come at me, bro!"
It'd be a bloodbath, a bath of blood.
So, when you really think about it,
dishonesty is better than honesty if you win.
[silence]
-Winner, round one. -[applause, cheering]
Wow!
Next event: Musical Tears.
Oh, this one always gets to me.
Now, competitors will listen to the saddest song ever composed,
and the first to fill their bucket with tears wins.
[grunting]
[deep sniff]
Destroy him!
[grunting]
[grumbles]
Ready, crybabies? One, two, three, emote!
[sad violin music]
[grunts]
[chuckling, gasps]
[giggles] Tally ho! [chuckles]
[sniffs, sighs]
[applause, cheering]
Winner! [chuckles] No surprise.
[growls]
Young people, this round's the hug-off.
You'll trade emotionally impacting hugs back and forth,
and the first to make their opponent tap out wins.
What?
[gasps]
Now, I want to see clean hugs.
No back-crackers or side-ticklers.
Rules are rules for a reason, huh… for me to enforce. [laughs]
Got it? One, two, three emote!
[both grunting]
Whoa.
[sighs]
-Hug! -Embrace!
Cuddle.
[screaming]
[screams]
Tear him apart, James!
[grunting]
[gasps]
[screaming]
[gasping, moaning]
-Winner! -[applause, cheers]
This is… it's happening. It's finally happening.
One more event and we will win.
Oh, I'm so happy I could puke…
and then eat it, 'cause that's what flies do.
We puke and eat.
[gasps]
Uh, time out.
Come on. There's gotta be one left.
Looking for this?
[gasps] Oh, yes!
What? Hey, what are you doing?
You heard McFly-- if I win this last round,
the championship is ours.
Don't you want to win? This is your thing.
Not anymore.
You sullied it with your musky, spicy, and occasionally intoxicating scents.
Fine, then it'll just be my thing.
It's not your thing either. It'll never be your thing…
as long as you use this
or Vulture Spike or Tiger Lightning or Ninja Blizzard
or Panther Cannon or Wolf Truck or Weasel Torpedo.
[gasps] My deodorant!
[snarls]
Come on, James, find your own thing.
♪ ♪
[sniffs]
It all comes down to this--
our last event of the competition.
Whoa. Now I'm about to cry.
This event is worth double the points.
It's still anyone's game.
One final emotional debate.
The subject…
"Stealing your best friend's thing-- good idea or bad idea?"
Max! I totally got this!
[chanting] James, James, James, James, James…
I haven't really been crying.
I've been using a performance-enhancing deodorant.
There. I said it.
[gasping]
[sighs]
Oh!
That's right. My competition tears-- they were wet with lies.
The truth is that Competitive Feelings is simply not my thing.
It's my best friend Max's thing.
And a life without a thing [sniffles]…
is better than a life without a Max.
Oh, James!
[both laughing]
Being my best friend is your thing.
[cheering, applause]
[Smooth Jason] Don't clap for that!
He is a cheater!
Smooth Jason wins again!
-[cheering, applause] -[Smooth Jason cackling]
Oh, you're too kind. [chuckles]
[sniffs]
Bow. [gasps]
[gasping]
Ohn-ee-on!
It is an onion.
That's what I said. Ohn-ee-on.
What? Okay, we're going to talk about that later,
but right now… cheater!
Both James and Smooth Jason are disqualified.
Wa-wait, so-- so nobody wins?
No, no, no, no, no. No. No!
Smooth Jason is disqualified, and I still can't win?
No, no, no, no, no. [cries, wails]
[sobbing] It's not fair. It's not fair.
Life is not fair.
In a sudden turn of events, we have a new winner.
-[cheering, applause] -[maniacal laughter]
Yes! Yes!
Ugh. I can't believe I let a stick of antiperspirant come between us.
Yeah, they should put a warning label on it for that.
Hmm, you know, you're right. We should sue.
Hey, maybe suing people could be my thing.
[scoffs] Smooth Jason-- na nana, boo boo, stick your face in doodoo.
Cry into this. [grunting]
-I win! I finally win! -[Smooth Jason crying]
[James] You know, you deserve that trophy, Max.
[Max] Why? Because you think I'm the best at this?
[James scoffs] No, because you're the best person who didn't cheat.
[Max] Oh, yeah.
-[Smooth Jason crying] -[Mr. McFly] Cry into this, Smooth Jason.
[ending theme music]