I knew you could to it!
Cheese!
LAUGHTER
O, reit.
Hello, Jake.
Hello, Dadi.
Last night of freedom.
Let's go out tonight, before the show? A date.
Like the old days.
FIREWORKS BANG
HE GROANS
Let's go! Come on!
How did he die again?
It was an accident.
The police aren't quite sure, but
what we do know is that he fell over and hit his head.
I fall over and hit my head all the time,
and I don't die.
I know, love, but this was...
It's incredibly unusual.
It's stupid.
I know this must be very hard for you, Jake.
What time is Dadi picking me up, then?
Sweetheart,
he won't be coming today.
Dadi's going to be feeling really sad about what's happened, isn't he?
So Llinos and I think that we should wait a bit
before deciding what happens next.
Especially because we think this will make YOU very sad as well.
And, of course, we're all hoping
you'll be able to move in with him as planned.
But we can't promise that right now.
Jake?
Whatever happens, I want you to know
you're safe here with me.
Does this make sense, Jake?
They still have my toys.
I want them back. They're mine.
SHE SIGHS
He doesn't believe us, does he?
Well, the last thing we want is for Jake to think
they don't want him any more.
Do you think Gabriel might consider some contact?
A video, perhaps?
I'm sure he would but I haven't been able to speak to him directly yet.
Understandably.
Do we know how he's feeling about Jake?
I think Jake's the last thing on his mind right now.
Which is a bit of a concern.
His partner's just died.
I know that... And he barely knows Jake.
Yeah, but still, I'm not convinced we should be allowing any contact
until we're absolutely certain the adoption's moving forward.
This will be hugely traumatic for Gabriel.
Hang on now, Gabriel's ability to parent is not in question here.
He was approved.
As part of a stable, loving couple,
which is no longer the case now, is it?
But Jake needs to hear something from his dadi, otherwise...
We don't know for certain he's actually going to be his dadi
now, though, do we? OK, it's all right.
It's great to hear you talking so passionately about Gabe and Jake.
But we do need to take the heat out of this
in order to move things forward.
So I'm going to suggest that we reconvene
in a couple of weeks, after the funeral.
Gabe?
KNOCK ON DOOR
Let me do that for you.
Do you want me to move that?
No.
Sorry I've not been much help with the organising.
Are you sure you're all right with the chapel service?
He's your son, Sandra.
He's your partner.
We never got married.
We should have got married.
And, anyway, it's a good thing you took control because I would have
probably turned it into a musical.
Do you think I should go and see the coroner?
You know, after this is done? Just to see what's happening there,
cos the police have been so useless, haven't they?
I mean, it can't have been an accident, can it?
Sit down, would you, Gabe? No, I'm fine. I know, but I'm not.
And you're getting on my tits.
Sorry. Don't be.
I'm getting on my tits as well, and I don't have any.
SANDRA LAUGHS
Is your dad coming here?
I told him to go straight there.
I didn't want him to feel, erm...
..uncomfortable, you know?
Will Jake be there?
Erm,
no, I don't think so.
He's still coming, though, isn't he?
I can't think about that right now, Sandra.
Course.
Oh, my boy.
DOORBELL CHIMES
Your carriage awaits, my ladies.
They wanted to walk with you.
BERWYN SIGHS
It's my dad!
Berwyn?
You mind stopping a moment, drive?
Emrys, dowch yn y car.
Na. Na, wir i chi.
I'm so very sorry, Sandra.
He was such a...a wonderful boy.
CAR DOOR CLOSES
# Guide me, O thou great Jehovah
# Pilgrim through this barren land
# I am weak but Thou art mighty
# Hold me with Thy powerful hand
# Bread of heaven
# Feed me now and evermore
# Evermore!
# Feed me now
# And evermore. #
Who puts gherkins in a sandwich?
I do.
Oh...
Sorry.
You're all right. Very nice, Sandra.
I must say, I'm rather partial to a gherkin myself.
HE CHUCKLES
How old were you when Mam died?
I was your age.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
Me, too.
How is he?
Much like you, I imagine.
It's difficult for him to get his head round.
Take your time.
Don't rush into anything.
Claire.
Tell him...
I will.
Want a light? I didn't know you smoked.
Neither did I.
Well, this is shit.
Yep.
Do we need to talk about Jake?
Not now. But... We don't need to talk about it now.
OK.
You're the social worker.
Not today, Gabe.
Gabriel? Oh...!
Oh, I'm sorry. You remember Jackie?
Yes. I remember Jackie.
Well, I'll be off, then.
OK.
Oh, er...
I'll leave you to it. I'm sure you two must have a lot to talk about.
Though it's...it's probably for the best.
What is? If the boy, erm...
Jake?
Yes. If Jake doesn't come any more.
Who said he wasn't coming any more?
Well, I've just been talking to Sandra
and I just assumed that,
er, it would be too difficult.
Yeah, he's still coming, Dad.
Oh.
OK, OK. I just, er...
I just misunderstood, that's all.
I'll walk you out, Emrys. I'm leaving now too.
Why do you think it will be too difficult? Let's not talk...
No. I want to know.
Why?
Oh, Gabriel, I... Just tell me.
I'm interested.
Well, because, well...
..he's been through so much already, hasn't he, poor dab?
And, and now this.
Erm...
It'll be very difficult to fix him now.
Especially on your own.
BELL TOLLS
How long were you and your Danny together?
Three years.
Short years.
What about you, sweetheart? Anyone special?
There isn't anyone special enough.
TRAIN RATTLES ABOVE
DOG BARKS
DOG WHINES
GABRIEL GRUNTS
DOOR OPENS
Gabriel?
HE COUGHS
Hiya, love. Thanks for coming.
But I thought it best to get the ball rolling
because I think Jake should move in this weekend.
Oh. And I know you'll probably think it's too soon,
but honestly, I am fine. Gabriel... OK, well, not fine, obviously,
but well enough for him to come here because...
Gabe, can I just take my bloody coat off first?
Sure.
Sure. Of course.
Not sitting?
Thing is, Gabriel...
..I'm afraid we can't just plough on as if nothing's happened.
Well, I understand that... Wait. Just let me finish.
I'm meeting with Jake's team tomorrow to explore our options.
OK. But make it clear that I want him to move in sooner rather than...
It's not as simple as that, love. Why not?
We'll have to go back to panel.
And I'll have to write an addendum report.
But I've already been assessed. I know that, but...
..your situation's different now, isn't it?
Do you not think I can do this on my own either? I didn't say that.
Am I going to lose Jake as well?
Hey, hey, we're not there yet.
And I promise, I am going to do everything I can
to make sure that doesn't happen.
Mm.
But I'm afraid Llinos is going to have to come round next week
and start collecting his things
because he's been asking for them, so...
But hopefully, it'll just be temporary.
Just until we can sort all this out.
And the best thing you can do after that is rest.
Do whatever you need to get through the day.
And give yourself time to grieve,
whatever form that takes.
I mean, for what it's worth,
the best advice anyone ever gave me about grief...
..there are no rules.
MUSIC: Darkjewel by Gallops
ECHOING BREATHING
GABRIEL GROANS
LOUD SNIFF
MUSIC: Intro to Mad World by Gary Jules
# All around me are familiar faces
# Worn out places
# Worn out faces
# Bright and early for their daily races
# Going nowhere
# Their tears are filling up their glasses
# No expression
# Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
# No tomorrow
# And I find it kind of funny
# I find it kind of sad
# The dreams in which I'm dying
# Are the best I've ever had
# I find it hard to tell you
# I find it hard to take
# When people run in circles it's a very, very... #
ALL: # Mad world
# Mad world
# Children waiting for the day they feel good
# Happy birthday
# Made to feel the way that every child should
# Sit and listen
# Went to school and I was very nervous
# No-one knew me
# Hello, teacher Tell me, what's my lesson?
# Look right through me
# And I find it kind of funny
# I find it kind of sad
# The dreams in which I'm dying
# Are the best I've ever had
# I find it hard to tell you
# I find it hard to take
# When people run in circles
# I find it kind of sad
# The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had
# I find it hard tell you
# I find it hard to take
# When people run in circles
# It's a very, very
# Mad world
# Enlargen your world
# Mad world. #
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
AUDIO DISTORTS AND ECHOES
And what type of sex did you have?
Anal.
Do you know if he had HIV or not?
I don't know.
Were you sexually assaulted?
No.
Jake?
Jake. Gabriel.
Jake. Jake?
Gabriel. Jake!
I'm so sorry, we thought you were someone else.
Come on.
HE WAILS
HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY
You were the one that said there are no rules.
I didn't think you'd end up in A&E, for God's sake!
They will understand, though.
Won't they?
After everything I've been through?
It's not about you, Gabriel.
It's about Jake and what he's been through.
Cos whatever's happened to you,
he has been through a hell of a lot worse.
The only thing that matters to them is whether or not you can be trusted
to take care of a boy with Jake's needs.
On your own.
Cos who's to say that next time life throws you a curveball
and, believe me, there will be many,
that you won't fall off the wagon again with Jake in your care?
But it won't happen again, I promise...
It can't happen again!
But the problem now is the panel will need to see at least two years'
stability after relapse before they will approve a match.
But it wasn't a relapse. It was a relapse.
It was your default position to stress.
To grief. Your default position was to use again.
But I want to be his dad.
I can be his dad.
But they'll have to look into other options.
Especially as you can't prove to us you'll be able... To us?
Yeah.
To us.
SHE SIGHS
Look, Gabriel, sort yourself out.
Whatever it takes.
Grief counselling, therapy.
In the meantime, we've agreed it would be a good idea,
as well as letterbox contact,
for you to record a short video message for Jake.
Something acknowledging how difficult this has all been.
Because we need to make absolutely sure he knows
that this wasn't all just some elaborate lie
and that you've rejected him. Is that what he thinks?
That little boy has had no reason to trust anyone, so...
So, what?
He thinks we're just making it up? That we...
..that I don't want him any more?
Oh, God, does he not want me any more?
It's only fair that you know
he has asked us to look into other adopters.
So what's the point in me fighting for him, then?
Because he is not capable of knowing what he wants.
Because he's just a little boy, Gabriel.
I mean, in his head, he thought he was going to have two daddies.
And one of them died.
And the moment he experienced that loss,
another catastrophic loss...
..you didn't show up for him either.
But that is because... I am just saying how it will feel to him.
But he can't know what he needs, he's just a child.
So don't take it personally.
But only you can decide if there is something worth fighting for.
You think it's hopeless, don't you?
I don't know.
But I've already lost my son.
So I would never forgive you if you didn't give it your best shot.
And you're not going to be on your own are you,
you twat?
Hi, Jake, it's Dadi here.
I don't know about you, but I'm finding this so weird.
Sometimes all I want to do is scream.
And if you're feeling anything like I am,
you'll be feeling very sad and confused.
Because this is an incredibly strange
and difficult situation.
But I want you to know that I really haven't
stopped thinking about you and I still love you very much.
And I hope, more than anything, that I'll get to see you again very soon.
Oh, and give my love to Billy for me.
GAME MUSIC BLARES
So I'm feeling great, actually.
I mean, I know that it's early days, but I have so much energy.
And I've been thinking,
just because there are five stages of grief, it doesn't mean
that we all have to go through every single one of them, does it?
And what are those stages?
Well, er, denial...
..anger, bargaining.
I'm just reading the poster behind you.
You do know that, don't you?
And where are you on that spectrum, Gabriel?
See, that's the thing.
I don't think I'm on it any more.
OK, but if you had to put yourself somewhere,
just as a thought-experiment, where would that be?
Honestly, I'm not on it.
Because all I want to do is start our family - my family.
I've got so much energy and love that I could burst.
And I want to be able to focus that love somewhere,
which is why I'm doing everything I can to prove that I can parent Jake.
Cos I've never felt so invincible.
That's how I feel.
Yeah, invincible.
So there you go, Sharon, I'm not on the spectrum, am I?
In fact, I am shitting all over your spectrum
because invincibility isn't anywhere near that spectrum, is it?
It is, Gabriel.
No, it isn't. Look again.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Acceptance, isn't it?
No, Gabriel.
It's denial.
Fuck.
How do you think that made me feel?
How can his death be deemed as a death by misadventure?
I mean "misadventure" - what the fuck?
It makes dying almost sound fun, doesn't it?
As if we're all missing out.
Are you clear what "misadventure" means, Gabriel?
Unintended consequence of an intentional act.
Right.
All I want to do is catch the fucker
who performed that intentional act
which unintentionally killed my Andy,
and unintentionally kill him as well.
OK.
But don't worry, I won't be able to do that, because...
We have very little to go on, I'm afraid.
Our only hope is if somebody comes forward in the future.
Come back, Crimewatch, all is forgiven.
You know, I thought I saw my dad on Crimewatch once.
For a split second I thought he'd robbed a bank in Milton Keynes.
I even checked the calendar to see where he was that day.
Do you want to talk about your dad?
No, you're all right.
But Andy didn't deserve it, though, did he?
He was a saint.
If anyone was going to die first, it should have been me.
Then I find myself wondering if that's why he died -
because he was a saint.
Only the good die young, all that.
Or if Andy's death was a punishment from God for my past behaviour?
And I don't even believe in God!
And then I feel even more guilty
because I've somehow managed to make Andy's death all about me again.
He can't even be centre stage in his own demise.
Poor bugger.
And then all I want is to hear him tell me
that I'm being a self-centred egotistical twat again.
So I find myself pleading with They upstairs -
because if there is a God they're probably nonbinary, right? -
and I find myself saying things like,
"If I promise to stop masturbating, can I please wake up
"from this nightmare and find Andy coming out of the shower
"like Bobby Ewing in Dallas?"
Is any of this normal?
CLOCK TICKS
This is all perfectly normal.
GABRIEL SCREAMS
HE LAUGHS
THEY BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
Jake? Have you seen my...?
GABRIEL: I really haven't stopped thinking about you
and I still love you very much.
And I hope, more than anything, that I'll get to see you again very soon.
Oh, and give my love to Billy for me.
You've come a really long way.
I don't feel like I have.
You have.
You did the work, Gabe.
You're financially solvent.
Only because Andy ignored me and paid the life insurance anyway.
But you've clearly demonstrated you are committed
to being the best dad you can be to Jake.
Which is why we think it's time we took it back to panel.
What? Really? Really.
That is, if you still want Jake?
Yes. Yes, of course I still want Jake.
Which is excellent news because he's been asking for you.
He has? He has.
Fuck off.
Please don't say that to panel, will you?
Thank you.
It's not a done deal yet.
I mean, just because you want it, just because Jake wants it,
doesn't mean that panel will think it's a good idea.
Hey.
They're ready for you.
Just be prepared,
because they won't go easy on you in there.
So, I suppose in the end
it comes down to a matter of balancing risk.
Is it better for Jake's wellbeing to remain in the care system,
deny the parent he's asked for
and all the pain and rejection that would bring?
Or are we perhaps risking more if we approve this match?
Because if you can't cope as a single adopter, Gabriel,
then Jake's suffering could be greater.
Of course it's a risk.
Believe you me, for such a long time,
it's been the first thing I think about when I wake up.
And the last thing I think about before I sleep.
If I sleep.
And, like most of you, I've had so many doubts.
What if I fail Jake?
Again.
And how can I know that fighting for this is the right decision?
But that's the point, I can't.
How can I possibly know what's right?
How can you know?
It's impossible.
This isn't science, these are emotions.
Relationships, vulnerabilities.
We're all just humans trying to figure out how to get through life.
So we can't know.
But we can feel.
And all we can ever do is go on the information we have
and what that does to our gut.
Our heart.
Here.
And I've messed up a lot.
But, my God...
..the intention to love him...
..and love him and love him...
..is there.
And it's not just me, I have the most extraordinary support network,
who love Jake as well.
And who, despite my flaws,
love me too.
And they want this to work out more than anything.
I have my village.
And so my gut is crying out that this is,
in all probability, the best thing for Jake.
Love is the best thing.
But you're right, it's a risk.
And it's scary.
And you have to listen to your own guts.
But if I'd listened to my fears about all the things
that could go wrong in my life...
..I would never have come out.
I'd never have met Andy.
I would never have met Jake.
And, yeah, approving us might be the wrong decision.
But it might also end up being
the best thing that's ever happened to both of us.
HE SIGHS
DOOR OPENS
Thank you, Gabriel, for everything that you've shared with us.
We've had to think really hard about this.
It is a high-risk decision.
But we've come to the unanimous decision
to approve the match.
You've got a brilliant support network, Gabriel.
And you've got a good 'un there too.
GABRIEL CRIES
Good boy.
PHONE RINGS
Gabriel?
Ia.
Dad?
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
KNOCK ON WINDOW
Here you are.
So...
..just one more thing.
Will there ever not be just one more thing?
Welcome to parenting.
GABRIEL CHUCKLES
We need to talk about meeting birth mum.
You've agreed, Gabe.
And she's come a really long way this last year.
She's moved area for a fresh start.
And she's committed to getting herself clean.
She's been through a lot too.
I don't really care what she's been through. Jake's my priority.
Which is exactly why you should meet her.
You'll be able to answer his questions about her in the future.
We'll control everything.
We'll agree on the questions you ask each other beforehand,
things you'll want to know about Jake,
and she'll want to know about...
..well, you.
And the kind of life you'll be able to give him.
Just think how nice it will be one day,
when you're able to say to Jake...
.."I met your mum once."
I-I didn't know if I was supposed to come in or not
cos they said at the desk that Llinos is already here,
but they obviously got that wrong, didn't they,
cos she's not here, is she?
Fuck. Shouldn't have come in yet, should I?
I should have waited outside and now I've made this really weird.
Becky...
..it's fine. You're very welcome.
I'm sure Llinos will be here in a moment.
No, I wouldn't bet on it. You know as well as I do,
social workers are a waste of fucking space.
Where's your social worker?
Erm, I'm a social worker.
Fuck. Really?
I thought you were his special friend or something,
like they offered me, I was offered but, erm,
I didn't want it cos it's no-one else's business, is it?
You know, this, it's just mine... Ours.
Shit. Sorry. I'm sure you're not a waste of space.
Is she a waste of space?
No. Good. That's good, then.
God, bit bloody formal, this, isn't it?
And what's with all the plastic bottles?
You know, like, they fine you for screwing up the recycling
and then they give you all this plastic shit.
I thought we were meeting in reception?
Yeah, you weren't fucking there, were you?
And I've been making a right tit out myself.
Come charging in like a paedophile in a playground!
Anyway, you're here now, so are we sitting down, then, or what?
OK.
So, this is your opportunity to share any information
you have about Jake.
You got the questions from the adopter, didn't you, Becky?
Doesn't he have a name?
Yeah. But as discussed, he'll be known as the adopter. Why?
In case I look him up on Facebook or something and try and kill him?
Nobody's suggesting that.
Because "adopter" makes him sound like the RoboCop
or Terminator or something.
It's what we agreed. All right!
All right. I get it.
They're good questions.
Thank you.
And the adopter has your questions too, so...
Thought they were shit, did you? Sorry?
I said yours were good, you said nothing. It's rude.
No, I, er... I'm joking, man.
God! You're all so fucking touchy.
Becky. All right, all right.
Over to you, adopter.
I-I just wanted to ask about his name.
Why did you decide to call him Jake?
Take your time, Becky. It's OK to be upset.
I'm not upset. Take a moment.
I don't need a fucking moment!
It's cos I like Joseph, innit?
The musical.
Yeah, erm, I was in it when I was at school.
I couldn't sing for shit, but I could dance the tits off anyone.
But, erm, I didn't want Joseph cos of Stalin,
so, um, I settled for Jacob.
It's a stronger name anyway. And, erm, I wanted him to be strong.
I want him to be strong.
Is that all right, like?
It's great, I'm sure Ga...
Ah! You were going to say his name then, weren't you?
SHE LAUGHS
Don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm not going to try and guess.
Go on, next one.
Erm...
I wanted to ask about his dad, his birth dad.
Liam?
How did you meet?
At a drum and base club, off my tits on Molly.
Promised me the world and utterly destroyed it.
Oh... Go on. Next one.
When did Jake start speaking and walking?
That's actually two questions but I won't hold it against you.
God, right one you've got here, Llin.
I thought you said he was intelligent. I'm sorry, I...
I'm joking, man. God! I hope you're more fun with Jake.
Anyway, Jakey took his first steps at 15 months.
Just as Call The Midwife was starting.
I don't forget anything, see.
I remember everything.
Everything.
Jake bloody loves Call The Midwife, by the way.
You need to watch it with him.
I thought all nuns were cunts before I watched that.
GABRIEL CHUCKLES QUIETLY
And his first word was "Mam", I think.
What are you staring at?
No.
Nothing.
And your next question?
Your happiest memory of him?
I think it, erm...
I think it was seeing him for the first time.
I couldn't believe how much I loved this pink wriggly thing
that had just like mutilated my fanny.
But I did.
I loved him.
More than I've ever loved anything before or since.
Ever will again, maybe.
Erm, your last question?
What do you hope that he achieves?
More than I have.
It might be nice if you can elab...
No, I don't have anything else to say! I want to ask my questions.
That was your last question, wasn't it, adopter? Yeah. Good. Yeah.
Right, what I want to know is,
will you have other close family around?
Yes.
His nan's not too far away and she...she really can't wait
to meet him. Good. Cos you'll need help, you know?
It's hard doing it on your own.
Although I was actually dead chuffed
when I heard he was going to a single man.
Cos I'm his only mami then, see.
And, erm, I think it'll be good for him.
He needs to know that not all men are complete and utter dickheads.
Why're you doing this on your own, anyway by the way? Are you gay?
Yes, actually.
Cool.
I-I'm cool with that.
Cos my nan's a lesbian and she's a total legend.
Why's your nan a legend? No, that's not on the list.
Is he allowed to ask questions that are not on the list?
We've time if you want to answer?
All right, well...
..don't be surprised if I go parkour on my questions as well.
Nan's a legend because she's the only one that gave a shit
that my dad was a fucking arsehole.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
So how come you're single, then?
I mean, like, you're hardly a munter.
You just haven't found the right one yet, have you? Erm...
No, my...
My partner, he...
He died.
Oh, God. Right.
What happened? We're not...we're not actually sure.
But he was probably attacked.
But anyway, he fell and...
Then he knocked his head and...
Shit. Sorry.
It's OK.
It's not OK. It's fucking sad.
Llinos, get the man a tissue. No, I'm fine, honestly...
No, get the fucking man a tissue, I said!
You cry if you want to.
It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
And you make sure you teach that to Jakey too.
What was his name?
Your partner?
Andrew. Andy.
His name was Andy.
Andy.
That's nice.
Oh, shit. No, I shouldn't have said... Oh, shit.
Sorry, look, I just wanted to know what his name was cos, erm,
well, cos...cos he would have been his dad as well, wouldn't he?
Yeah.
Lucky boy.
You know, not one, but two nice dads to take care of him.
I mean...
..look at you.
Look at your kind face.
Anyway, erm...
"Will you take Jake on holiday?"
Yes.
Yes, there's lots of places that I'd love to share with him.
Last question.
Do you have a garden?
Yes.
Front and back garden.
BECKY SNIFFLES
Just got a trampoline in the back cos,
well, I know how much he loves that.
Actually, can I ask one more question?
You...
Fuck!
You will love him, won't you?
I already do.
SHE LAUGHS THROUGH TEARS
Good.
Because I love him too, see.
And, erm...
..I want him to have a good life.
I want him to be happy.
And you will let him know that?
That I loved him.
It really wasn't because I didn't love him.
God!
Look at you.
SHE LAUGHS
Look at your kind face.
He takes after you, you know.
No, it's true.
He's bright.
And funny.
He's so funny.
SHE LAUGHS SADLY
And loving.
You should be really proud of that.
Erm, we always think it's nice if there's a picture...
..of the two of you together, for Jake.
I don't have to put my arm round him or nothing?
No, you can just stand next to each other.
I feel like a right fucking pleb.
No. It's lovely.
SHUTTER CLICKS
Thanks.
Right, then, we'd better get going, innit, Llin?
Christ, I could do with a drink!
And you'll have things to do, I imagine.
Well, anyway, erm...
..goodbye, RoboCop.
My name's Gabriel.
SHE SNIFFS
Thank you.
Come on, let's go.
HE SIGHS
HE LAUGHS
# You talk like Marlene Dietrich
# And you dance like Zizi Jeanmaire
# Your clothes are all made by Balmain
# And there's diamonds and pearls in your hair
# Yes, there are
# You live in a fancy apartment
# Off the Boulevard St Michel
# Where you keep your Rolling Stones records. #