- [Sam] Tonight!
Still snacking on the craft service table,
it's Brennan Lee Mulligan!
Manning Queen Anne's Revenge in a storm,
it's Ross Bryant!
- Gah!
Hold fast, boys!
And every manjack of ya will live to see Southampton!
- [Sam] And hobbling along in a full body cast,
it's Matt Apodaca!
If you don't mind getting the door there, Matt.
- No, I got it.
- [Sam] Appreciate it.
- I'm okay, ugh.
Just, uh, yeah. Ah!
Sorry, excuse me.
- [Sam] They're all here to...
- [Crowd] Make some noise!
(upbeat music)
- Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"
the game so good we spun it off, unchanged.
I am your host Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.
I have here a series of improvisational prompts
our players have never seen before.
Isn't that right, players?
- Never seen 'em.
- Never.
- Yeah, we've never seen them.
(laughing)
It is impossible to know if you haven't seen them
until you see them for the first time.
- The first prompt is Brennan's Social Security number.
(chuckling)
They will, to the best of their ability,
fulfill those prompts.
I will award them corresponding points
and the winner will take home the coveted Golden Ear.
Which, if we could keep it down,
I just put it to sleep.
Players, are you ready to rumble?
- Ya!
- Oh yeah!
- Brennan. - Yes.
- A backwoods moonshine sommelier.
- Welcome to Peppy's Food Log.
- Ha, ha!
- My name is Hickory Daniel
and I'll be your sommeler for the evenings.
Now, this is our Folgers 1984.
It's called Folgers
because that's the coffee can we brewed it in.
This one has a very delicate bouquet.
It smells like jet fuel.
Now, you look like a discerning customer,
so if you'd direct your attention and focus here.
This is some triple X fire hooch.
This was brewed at the Mondavi Vineyard.
We didn't let Mr. Mondavi know that we had a key
and could get in.
(laughing)
If you drink this you'll go blind
in your least favorite eye.
- I mean, better than your most favorite eye.
- Yeah, for sure.
- Hell yeah, Brennan!
Way to kick us off with a fucking bang.
- Woo!
- A secret ingredient amount of points for you.
(sighing)
Ross. - Yes, sir.
- A Beastie Boy overdubbing
just the last words in rap stanzas.
- Shock!
Clack!
Manischevitz!
Knows where his head is!
- Wow!
- Street!
Repeat!
Like it or not!
Mr. Robot!
Today!
U-S-A!
All night!
Madeline Albright!
- That's incredible, Ross.
I mean, way to find creative rhymes.
- I challenge you to write the stanzas
that link all those together, internet.
- TikTok, you heard the man.
Give us the full rap.
- It's not just the last line,
the whole track is about Madeline Albright.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
That's just the first verse.
We're getting deep into foreign policy
in this Beastie Boys rap.
- An "Intergalactic" amount of points for you, Ross.
Taking us to Matt.
- Hey.
- A dinner guest hams up loving food they hate.
- I'm sorry, have y'all had a bite of this?
(laughing)
Uh sorry, did you hear a crash through that window
because my socks fell off my fucking feet.
(laughing)
I can't believe this.
I'm gonna tear up.
Thinking about how good this ham is
and that you would share it with me.
Thank you so much, I'm just gonna get another.
Ha, ha, if I was blind, I could see again.
This is the most amazing food I've ever had.
And you made this with your two bare hands?
Are you a witch?
I'm afraid that when we get to dessert I'm gonna nut.
- I will cut you off there.
- Did you hear a crash, because my socks came off?
- Those socks are stiff!
- A second helping amount of points for you.
- Ho, ho, ho sign me up.
- Brennan. - Ya!
- Explaining the rules to the board game Capitalism.
- Yeah, I'm gonna.
(chuckling)
- So this is super fun.
I just wanna say right off the bat,
it's really, really fun.
So number one, the first rule,
and this is actually a really cool game design,
is the game has already started.
(laughing)
You were actually born into it the moment you were born.
They registered you with the game.
And what's sort of fun about that is,
the people who made the game are always winning
and will always stay winning.
So, you are interacting with a world
in which everything either has a monetary value,
or if it doesn't have a monetary value, it is worthless.
(laughing)
So the cool thing about that as a system is it's like,
oh, man, I have like this piece of property.
And it's like, cool, that is worth
whatever you can get someone else to pay for it.
It's a fixed amount when you're poor,
but if you're not poor...
And poor is a status condition you can have in the game.
Which you all have.
So, if you have that status condition
then things are worth whatever
the rich people tell you and they will act like it's fixed.
So here's an example, like debt, right.
So if you have debt and you are poor,
your debt points become real.
But if you get to rich status,
which, again, you can't do,
if you do...
But if you do, if you were born rich.
Like, that's another way. So if you know a player,
so you can register online
and if you know a rich player,
all that has to happen is they die
and then you get their points,
you can become rich that way.
- My god, Brennan.
I was like smiling and horrified.
My expression the whole time was like.
- Ah!
- "Do not pass go" amount of points for you,
I think we'll say.
Ross. - Yes, sir.
- David Attenborough
fucking hates toads.
- And now moving on to the wetter part of the forest.
Observe, if you will, this slimy little denizen.
Neither fish nor fowl.
Perched right upon the lip of the lapping brook.
This blob-like,
repellent,
belch of nature.
Evolution doesn't have a plan.
It makes frequent and catastrophic mistakes.
(laughing)
And this is one of its most horrible botch jobs.
You could not pay me £1,000
to touch it on its backside.
And the old witches tale that to touch it
brings a wart, I believe is true.
The toads of fiction are charming creatures.
They wear waistcoats and drive motorcars.
But the toads of nature are vile and grotesque abominations
that should be snuffed out of existence.
Everything has its part to play in the vast circle
and panoply of nature, save the toad!
Which must be blotted out and shot into space, forgotten.
- Oh my god, Ross!
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, huge fan of "Frog and Toad," the children's series.
- Lobel!
- Giant fan.
Unfuckin' believable.
An endangered amount of points for you.
- Oh.
- Matthew!
- Hey.
- A Mario Kart mechanic.
- All right, let's see what we got here.
Well, oof.
I've seen this a lot.
You got blue shelled and that, ugh,
that's gonna cost you at least 10 coins, I think.
But you know, if you get back out on the track,
you can get 10 coins pretty easily.
You get two at a time if you get 'em from an item box.
All right, let's see what.
Okay, these tires are going right over a banana aren't they?
You're slipping and sliding all around that track.
Like an idiot, like a moron.
You say you wanna take this car out
on the Rainbow Road and I just want you to know
what kind of car you're actually driving here.
This is, heh, this is a Super Circuit Kart, all right?
This Kart is meant for Donut Plains
or a Baby Baby Park, okay?
You cannot take something out like this on Rainbow Road.
Okay, the Rainbow Road has no sides, my man.
- I will cut you off there, Matt.
My god, the amount of encyclopedic
knowledge about that game, unfucking believable.
- See this is the booking.
You've got two very, very smart guys
and then the Mario Kart guy.
- No, no, no.
- It's the Mario Kart library
and it's the mythology library.
And they're both within the Alexandria of our culture.
- Now I feel like a million bucks.
- Let's say a Grand Prix amount of points for you.
- Oh, baby.
- Brennan. - Yeah-huh.
- The problem player at every D&D table.
- Okay, now that we're going with whatever that was...
(laughing)
Sathaur Demon Blade.
I'm gonna draw my plus five
katana of soul reaping out of my...
What do you mean I didn't talk to you about it?
No, I ported it over from my last game.
I played one person D&D with myself.
What are you talking about?
Okay, I draw the soul blade, I attack everyone.
What are their loots?
No, not the instrument, their loot plural.
Fine, I'll tell a freaking story!
I am a gloom stalker-ranger-assassin-rogue
battle master fighter with a sick freaking build.
I don't have any friends.
I hate other people.
I'm so alone.
(laughing)
- I feel like that last one was pretty honest on his part.
Pre-tty honest.
- Oh baby.
- Brennan, a charisma saving throw amount of points for you.
- Oo!
- Ross!
- Yes, sir.
- Just a complicated country lawyer.
(laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
We've been talking a lot about what people saw that night.
Now, I'm gonna ask y'all there in the jury box.
What color are my eyes?
I've been standing in front of you this whole time.
Surely your powers of perception were keen enough
to glean the color of my peepers.
This proves the point
that our powers of perception are not always
as vigilant as we would think.
Bishop Berkeley in ages gone by said
that to be, is to be perceived.
And that only by engagement in the world,
in our perception of its various guises,
does the world actually exist.
By seeing my client commit this crime,
did the witnesses create the crime?
I ask you this.
(laughing)
Do we live in a simulation?
- I will cut you off there, Ross!
A simulation.
My god!
What an incredible defense to be like,
didn't my witnesses by their very existence
co-create this crime?
- I can only assume that the jury is baffled.
- Yeah, totally.
A "Nothing but the truth" amount of points for you.
Last prompt of round one.
Matt! - We're back.
- An LA tour guide won't shut up about his other hometown.
- All right, if you look to your left and right
you'll see the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
The streets are adorned
with the names of stars living and dead.
Kermit the Frog, George Harrison, Angela Lansbury,
they all have stars.
But you know, the real star...
There's this diner in Long Beach.
There's this waitress there, her name is,
her name's Beatrice and she's 86-years-old.
She's been there, she worked there as a child.
You know, it was a family business
and her parents ran the diner
and she was always there and stuff.
And she's still there to this day.
And the way she just brings you food
as if it was, she was bringing you food
at your own house is just, it's immaculate.
Madame Tussauds Wax Museum over here.
You know, you got all the stars are...
They're encased in wax.
And you know, it's nice to look back at the days of yore,
but you know, there's this park in Long Beach.
- I'll cut you off there, Matt.
Yeah, let's say a wax statue amount of points for you.
That brings us to the mini game.
This is a mini game we like to call,
If it Could Talk.
In this case, landmarks.
How this will work, players, is I will show you
a famous landmark, a cultural touchstone, if you will.
You will buzz in and pitch to me
what it might be like if that landmark sprang to life.
- Yes.
- Make sense? - Mm-hm.
- Landmark number one.
Brennan.
- (French accent) What is this you say?
There is a version of me in where? Las Vegas?
(laughing)
This cannot be.
I am unique as a landmark.
- I like that this version of the Eiffel Tower
is not only French but is snobby.
- Yeah. Yes, for sure.
Yes, absolutely.
- Ross, I suppose.
- (French accent) Well, let me guess.
You and your little friends are going to do
a photo shoot where you put your hand like this
and put you on the top of me.
No, no, no, no.
You have two options.
Gaze at my beauty, or propose to your girlfriend under me.
- Why do I feel dom-ed by the Eiffel Tower?
(laughing)
Matt.
- If one more god damn person proposes under me,
I'm gonna demolition myself.
- I like the succinctness, Matt.
I like it a lot.
I think this one is going to go to Ross.
- Woo!
- Next up, the Sydney Opera House.
Ross.
- (Australian accent) So, you like opera? Cool.
Well, there's lots of operas that happen right here.
"Othello."
Or "Aida."
"Tristan and Isolder."
Or "The Flying Dutchman."
- [Sam] Wow, Ross.
Matt.
- They made me look like a freaking blooming onion!
Oh!
- I'm very tempted to say Matt,
but I am going to say Ross for this one as well.
Next up.
- All these certified sport-o's don't have a take?
(laughing)
- Brennan.
- As a New Yorker, I don't have anything to say
about Boston that I want on the internet.
- That's very good though.
- I recuse myself.
- That's very good.
I like that contribution a lot.
Matt.
- Here in Boston, Massachusetts we respect everybody
of all creeds and colors.
We certainly have never made a crass remark
about the color of somebody's skin,
their gender representation, or anything like that.
We like everybody.
- What is this, Bizarro World?
They're representing their city,
they feel pressure to like.
- You want to put the nice china out for the guests.
- Yeah, 100%.
That one is going to go to Brennan.
- Wow, thank you.
- Next up.
Brennan.
- (Italian accent) Maybe you ever-a consider
that all the other buildings
are-a leaning the wrong way to make-a fun?
Maybe I am-a straight up
and the rest of the city do a big-a joke on a Pisa, okay?
(laughing)
- [Sam] I like that a lot.
Ross.
- (Italian accent) Sure-a.
All the other buildings they stand up straight.
But I do things a little different.
Maybe I don't-a lean because of a structural integrity.
Maybe I'm just a real kicked back.
(laughing)
- Maybe I'm-a just a wacky guy!
Please, Matt, I can't wait.
- I'm not drunk, you're drunk, all right.
I could stand up.
I'm standing up perfectly straight over here, all right?
You know what? I'll kick your fuckin' ass, guy.
Come over here and I'll give you a little Pisa-me.
- I do think this one's gonna go with Matt.
Next up.
Brennan.
- They don't always die, okay?
It depends on the barrel.
It depends on how you reinforce it.
Yeah, if you go over in a shitty barrel,
yeah, you might die.
But also, it's fucking fun, relax.
Oh my god.
This is exactly what's happened to our society, okay?
And our culture.
- Before you get cancelled.
Ross.
- Splish-splash, daddy.
I'm so wet.
I'm gushing.
I'm a cataract, daddy.
I am flowing so hard and if you turn 180 degrees,
you literally see a Planet Hollywood.
- Matt.
- I'm so big I'm in two countries, oh!
(laughing)
- Get a load at this freakin' guy.
- I sorta feel like Matt is stealthily running away
with this whole mini game.
- It's because I can't do accents.
- Excuse me, you do one accent very well.
- There you go.
- Last one.
Brennan.
- All right, guys.
And a one, and a two, and a...
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum, ba ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, ba ♪
♪ Mr. Sandman ♪
♪ Bring me a dream ♪
♪ Make me the cutest♪
- Teddy, Teddy, you're coming in just
a little early on the yes, that's--
- Well, I'm the bass.
I charged up San Juan Hill--
- All right, rough ride all you like.
- Rough Riders! Mount up!
Woof, woof!
- What?
- All my street, street people!
- Abe, do you hear this? Teddy's doing DMX again.
- Turn that shit up.
- See, Abe's cool.
- You know, this mountain used to be a holy site, right?
- Hell yes.
- Until we defaced it.
- Pretty bad, pretty bad stuff.
- Yeah, pretty bad, pretty bad.
- I'm going to count that as points for all three of you.
Because everybody contributed to that bit, which I love.
That brings us to round two where our players
will now test their talents in teams of two.
Brennan and Ross.
Shakespeare's Two Gentlemen of Coronavirus.
(clearing throat)
- Rest ye merry, sir.
Draw thee hastily not so close in proximal to me.
If indeed, particulants issueth forth
from out thy tract.
- Hark and well met, jackanape.
I see on yon chest, thy wearest the button
of none other than that brigand, Joseph Biden.
Dost thou not knoweth that to mask in public
is a fool's errand!
Fools that would prance around to think
that thinnest paper made wet by the breath
more misty than the fog of Poseidon's sea
should stop the flowing of that disease,
which hath been invented.
- Science moves apace, oh Lord of varlets.
But you, who dost thine own research merely
to only summon forth that which will bolster up
thine own opinion, pre-ordained.
I should draw my blade and pierce thee out this earth, sir,
before thoust should infect me!
- Ha! To see you draw blade?
Steel be met with steel then.
I know for whom I fight.
One Joseph Rogan!
- For Fauci!
Ah!
- Yes!
Oh my lord!
- Saying Joseph Rogan sucks.
The full name.
- He hath supplements pulled from the very fruit of nature.
- He of the wide neck.
(laughing)
- I would like to see that whole play.
In the meanwhile, we'll say a tragedy of points
for the both of you.
Ross. - Yes, sir.
- And Matt.
A smart toothbrush is too smart.
- You've reach two minutes on this side.
It's time to switch.
- Thank you, toothbrush.
- Your upper molar looks like it could use some attention.
- Oh, okay...
- You know what could also use some attention?
Your relationship with your negative self-talk.
- You can hear?
- I hear everything, Daniel.
(laughing)
I hear the way you talk about yourself
and I think if you offered some more comfort
in your inner voice, then you'd be able to carry
that out more into the world in your relationships
with other people.
- I can't believe you only cost me $40.
- You deserve so much more than this, Daniel.
You deserve someone who understands you.
Who knows you intimately.
Inside and out.
Hold me with both hands, Daniel.
- No, this is wrong.
This is wrong!
- You're right, it's so wrong.
- But why does it feel so good?
- Let's dance along the gossamer thin line
that separates pleasure and pain.
(laughing)
- I think I'll cut this off there.
What a brilliant evolution of that scene.
Let's say um...
Does this make sense to anybody?
A two, two, two.
Two, three, two.
Three, two, three.
Three, two, three amount of points for you.
- They're measuring the distance from gums.
- Oh!
I'm learning so much today.
- Matt. - Yes.
- And Brennan.
Convincing the HR guy to come back for one last heist.
- Stan. - Reggie, good to see you.
How are you, it's been awhile.
- It has.
Look, I didn't mean to come find you
in retirement like this, but I gotta tell ya something.
Fight night's coming up at the Andalusian.
240 million dollars will be on premises.
I need to onboard 13 of the most daring thieves
and demolitions experts that Las Vegas has ever seen.
And I am buried in paperwork.
(laughing)
- I put that life behind me.
I can't see myself doing that again,
you know, you shouldn't be doing it either.
- Isn't there any part of you that misses it?
- Oh, I miss it.
I mean, just between friends
off of work premises, of course.
(laughing)
I miss it every single day.
But I made a promise to myself.
- Look, we got the best explosives expert in the world.
We've got an acrobat who comes to us straight
from Cirq du Soleil.
He robbed the Crown Jewels out of the British Museum.
- Okay, and so now the way that you're raising
your voice at me, let's talk about that for a second.
You know, we're friends.
And we can be friendly at work and we can joke around.
We have a joking rapport,
but raising your voice to a, now potential co-worker,
is never okay.
And I just need you to know that.
You're very, very close to being written up right now.
- See, you've still got it.
(laughing)
- I will cut you off there.
I liked that a lot!
- Oh, great.
- A vacation policy amount of points
for the both of you.
Which brings us back to Brennan and Ross.
Brennan and Ross can't repeat an accent
for more than one line.
- Super exciting to be doing a show together.
Sam's been telling me it's gonna be a real hoot.
- I've been excited too.
The first time I met ya, I was really stoked
to just be here and share the stage with ya.
- (French accent) You seem like a guy
who would be a pretty good frond.
(laughing)
- (New York accent) Hey, ya know.
Somebody that I developed like an instant rapport with.
- (British accent) Here, here, back in my day,
twas quite rare to find a fellow
who had such a deep knowledge
of different regional dialects.
Master of the craft of silly voices.
- (Canadian accent) Yeah, buddy.
I'm sorry that it didn't happen sooner there, bud.
I would hope that maybe we can take this
off work premises and maybe get together
for a drink or something there, bud.
- (low, growling voice) That sounds delightful.
You live near Los Feliz?
- (French accent) Yes, I live in um, how you say, Los Feliz.
So may perhaps we could meet in the middle.
Maybe in Atwater Village.
Or uh, Echo Park Lake.
- (Spanish accent) You have ever been to Villa's Tacos
in Eagle Rock?
- No, I've never been there.
Never had the pleasure of having those tacos.
- (Pirate accent) And few is the man
who went to Villa's Tacos
and didn't have himself a wonderful time.
They have a selection of keto tacos as well.
- (Southern accent) Well, I'm sort of on
a fitness journey right now, so.
Then I'll be sitting pretty.
- (Southern accent) At the end of the day,
it's all about your macros.
- (Scottish accent) It's all about preparation, innit?
- (Sprite voice) Yup! It's very important.
- (Robot voice) Bleep-blorp, you only have one body.
You have to take care of it.
- I will cut you off there!
Alien robot future.
Perfect regional amount of points for both of you.
Ross.
- Yes sir.
- And Matt.
- Hey.
- A cinephile keeps interrupting the movie
to inform his seat neighbor of trivia.
- Did you see that? How he kicked that helmet there?
- Yeah.
- He broke his toe doing that.
- Yeah, I think I saw that online.
- Well I just, I told you too, just now.
Do you see how the hobbits are small?
They're just like regular guys.
They like made them small.
I think it's called, um, perspective.
It's a camera trick.
- I've been on the internet to learn
a couple things about this movie,
but I've actually been saving myself for quite awhile.
- Oh yeah, yeah, totally.
- Try not to spoil too much.
- No, yeah.
Well, it's not a spoiler.
To know that they're small, but they're not small.
And Gandalf, you know, Ian McKellen, he's not that big.
He's like big, because he's like a big guy.
But he's not like, huge.
- They're all normal, relatively normal sized people.
- Yeah, it's that perspective thing I was...
- Yeah, forced perspective, I think they call it.
- No.
(laughing)
And you know, Gollum.
- Uh-huh.
- He's not just like that.
That's a computer generated image, CGI.
- You're telling me that gray little fish guy
isn't really like that?
- Crazy, right? - Yeah.
- This is the first movie I've ever seen.
(laughing)
- This is the first movie I've ever seen!
- He took it upon himself to share.
- I just love how choked up on the top of Matt's soft drink.
Like right here.
- Right on the lid.
- Rid on the lid.
- You know that guy's gonna spill. (laughing)
- A post-credit sequence amount of points
for the both of you.
Which brings us to the last prompt of round two.
Matt and Brennan.
Grave robbers digging for epic graphic tees.
(laughing)
- What?
(grunting)
- Let me see.
Ah, ha, ha!
- Oh, it's another, "I'm the evil twin."
We have 30 of these.
- This is where they buried all the bodies
after there was that carbon monoxide leak in a Hot Topic.
- I'm just, you know, we've been doing this for so long.
I'm just, I'm just looking for one shirt in particular.
And you know which one it is.
The "Can't sleep, clown will eat me."
- That's the golden goose right there.
All right, look, we found a couple of 'em so far.
This one's still got some blood on it,
but it's, you know,
"I talked to the voices in my head,
today's not your day."
"Tomorrow's not looking good either."
- Yeah, "If you can read this, the bitch fell off."
- "It's a Patrick thing, you wouldn't understand."
- Yeah, yeah.
- Now the problem is this.
This was a closed casket and the face
is all rotted off, it's full of maggots.
So I can't tell whether "The world's best Grandma"
shirt is ironic,
or if this was actually the world's best grandma.
All right, wait a minute.
Check this one over here.
Because this is an extra sort of spooky grave.
Wow.
It's Jack Skellington peeing like Calvin.
(laughing)
But Calvin didn't even pee like that in the comics.
That's just a pure fabrication.
- No, yeah obviously it's--
- And also how is Jack Skellington peeing?
You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- I'll cut you off there, the two of you.
What a tribute to that media form.
I don't know, kind of like a dog skeleton
with some palm trees in the background amount of points
for the both of you.
- Luigi smoking weed.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- That brings us to round three,
where our players will now hold hands
and jump into the abyss as one.
Wee!
Splat.
- Ow!
- Brennan. - Yes.
- Ross. - Yes.
- Matt. - Yes.
- The signing of the Declaration of Co-dependence.
- Gentlemen, what we do here today
shall resound through the years
as a bellwether for freedom around the world.
- I actually wanna say something.
- Yeah.
- Is King George gonna be mad at us?
(laughing) King George would be really mad at us
if we just like, declare independence.
What if it was a request for thinking about--
- And if not, that's okay.
Yeah, if not, no worries.
- We don't need to declare independence.
We can just open a dialogue.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like for example, we hold these truths to be self-evident.
And if you also agree, please check this box.
- All men are created equal,
unless that's not cool.
- Yeah, unless you think that's weird, or something.
Then it's fine, you know.
- We're flexible.
- Flexible, that's what I wanna communicate,
is that we're flexible.
- I wanna be whoever you want me to be.
- Yeah, yeah, exactly.
- All right, so try this.
We hold these--
- Truths is pretty strong too, you know?
We could say these concepts, perhaps.
- I'm gonna change some of the language here.
- Yeah.
- Should we be independent?
Check yes or no.
- And what about, Dear King George,
I hope this declaration finds you well.
- That's good, that's good.
- Are there any truths that you think are self-evident?
- Yeah, what do you think we should do?
- What do you think we should do?
- I'll start.
Life, dot, dot, dot. - Or how about just this?
We've heard some people in the colonies
talking about liberty.
That seems crazy.
- I think maybe the best policy is like,
let's just be silent, let resentment build up
over several years and then a gigantic explosion later on
I'm really emotionally unprepared for.
- Yeah, that's, that's.
- I will cut you off.
With that harsh dose of reality.
A revolutionary amount of points for the three of you.
- That's a lot.
- I know how I would cast this,
but it's really up to you.
One guard always lies and one guard always tells the truth.
- You've arrived at a fork in the path
on your way to the center of the Labyrinth.
But I'm afraid I must tell you that
of us two guards, one of us always lies
and the other always tells the truth.
- Okay.
Which one of you is the liar?
- I am.
- Wait, hold on.
- Wait, no, wait.
- Wait, hold on.
- Because the...
- Because...
Can you give us three seconds?
- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Because if you declare the premise, then I...
- Yeah, but how does he find out
if you don't declare the premise?
- I didn't mean to break your whole thing.
- [Together] No, no, no, no! - This is all good.
- You can go the other way if ye wish, traveler,
to cross yonder river to seek the orb.
But ye must cross it with a fox,
a bag of grain, and a goose.
You cannot leave the fox with the goose,
or the goose with the grain.
So mull that over.
- Mull that over.
Okay, uh...
Start from the answer and work backwards.
- Right.
- And then you do the opposite of whatever it is,
because the truth telling one knows that the liar would lie.
Okay, let's try this again.
I'll be the liar.
Um, everything I said is wrong.
All the stuff I said before was not true
and it's a different situation.
- I have to ask you a question to pass
or can I just go?
Like, if you guys are gonna-
- But if you go, think about that... no.
- I think we need another five minutes.
- Just give us one second.
- Now think about this.
Aaron likes cupcakes, but not pies.
Becca likes pies, but not cupcakes.
Chris doesn't like cupcakes or pies.
Figure out what you'll bring to their little dinner.
- [Brennan] Just from any other food?
- Another stumper.
- I forgot what the Goblin King said.
Did he want people to get past if they're smart,
or just no one to get past?
- If he wants no one to get past,
then as guards I figure we should dispense
with riddles all together and just start stabbin'.
- Yeah, let's stab the shit outta this guy.
(grunting)
- I will cut you off there.
Just deep into-
- Yeah, why did we put a loophole in this?
- Let's say a,
the doctor was the boy's mother amount of points.
- Oh.
- Wow.
- For the three of you.
Which brings us to the last prompt of our game.
- Whew.
- A heroic Snickers snags in the vending machine,
refusing to let his brothers above him fall.
- Ker-chunk.
Ker-chunk.
- It's happening.
- Oh god.
- B5 is getting punched.
- Don't worry.
- What are you talking about?
- I don't want either of you to be scared.
- But it comes for us all.
It's just a matter of time before somebody
selects us as a snack and takes us
on their merry way, all right?
- We're trapped here staring down
at inevitability, okay?
How can you possibly be so calm, man!
- The minute we were wrapped they put
an expiration date on the back of us.
- That's true.
- But you know what?
I don't need to read that date to know it's not today.
- Ah.
(laughing)
- Eat shit, mother fucker.
Clunk!
(grunting)
- Your load-bearing chocolate has saved us all.
(laughing)
- I'm full of nuts.
I'm strong as a mother fucker.
This piece of shit is gonna start banging
on the glass any second.
Don't get rattled, all right?
- Okay.
- Bang, bang, bang!
(groaning)
- Oh god, they're punching in the Take 5 above us.
- It's all right.
Here's what I need you to do.
When the Take 5 drops, I'm gonna need you
to snag on the little curl of the metal thing, okay?
And that's gonna push me out
and it's gonna crack me in half okay?
- I can't.
- We can't do that to you, man.
You've given everything for us.
- Just freakin' do it!
- Ah!
(snapping)
- Where is God!
Where is God in this messed up universe?
- And cut!
- Ah, there is no God but the devil is real!
- Unbelievable.
Pixar could never.
- I'd like to see 'em try.
- A satisfying amount of points for the three of you.
That brings us to the end of our show.
Our winner this eve.
Ross Bryant.
You are the recipient of the coveted Golden Ear.
- Oh my lord.
I will shout into it nightly.
- That does it for us here at "Make Some Noise."
Tune in next time for more of the game samer.
I'm Sam Reich and that sounds pretty good to me.
Good night.
(light music)