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♪ MTV ♪
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These garbage bags are wet.
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I'm gonna slide first,
Butt-Head.
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Me first, yeah.
This is going to be cool.
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Uh, okay.
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Okay. Here we go.
Heh heh.
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Wait a minute.
Hang on.
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I better back up so I
can get a running start.
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I'm gonna back up some more
so I can go really fast.
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Hurry up, dumbass.
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We don't have all day.
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Heh heh heh.
- Okay.
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Okay, here goes.
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Go, butt-monkey, go.
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That kicked ass!
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Uh... get up.
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It's my turn, dumbass.
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Uh, are you, like,
dead or something?
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Uh, oh, well.
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I guess I'll never know.
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Oh, no.
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Ow.
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Whoa.
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Ow, ow!
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That's, like, the
worst sunburn I ever saw.
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I know. Heh.
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It, like, hurts and stuff.
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I'm sorry, Beavis.
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That must be very painful.
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Come on.
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Don't touch my sunburn, please.
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Uh, okay.
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Aah!
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I didn't touch it.
I slapped it.
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Damn it, Butt-Head.
Cut it out!
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Uh, all right.
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Oh, no.
It's a mosquito.
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Oh, no.
Where is it?
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It landed on you, Beavis.
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Oh, really?
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Would you, like,
slap it or something?
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Because I don't want it
to bite me on my sunburn--
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uh, wait, no!
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Aaaaah!
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Got it.
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Butt-Head, I'm only gonna
tell you this once.
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I know I've said I'm gonna
kill you before,
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and then I didn't kill you.
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But if you ever do that again,
so help me God,
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I am going to, for real,
seriously, going to kill--
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Aaaaaah!
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No!
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Aaaaah!
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Dumbass.
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Well, see you later, Beavis.
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Aaaaaaaaaah!
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Good luck with the sunburn.
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I warned him,
and he did not listen.
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So now Butt-Head
is going to die.
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How am I
going to kill Butt-Head?
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Let's see.
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I don't think I've ever
done any murders before,
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so I'm gonna have
to hire a hitman.
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Yeah. Let's see.
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What's a hitman look like?
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Probably looks like that
guy in "Goodfellas," yeah.
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I don't remember
that movie that well,
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but I think that guy
lived on that street,
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and he had, like,
a tie all the time.
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Um...
yeah, yeah, like this guy.
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Hey, how's it going?
Hee hee hee.
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Uh, hello.
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I'm looking for someone
to do a little job for me,
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if you know what I'm saying.
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I stole this picture from
Butt-Head's uncle's house,
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so don't tell anyone.
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Do I know you?
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My name isn't important.
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Now, let me ask you,
can you do this job or not?
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If you've got
a job needs doing,
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why don't you go to
the Home Warehouse?
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Plenty of people there
looking for a job.
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Yeah, that kicks ass. Yeah.
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Yeah, that's going to be cool.
Hee hee hee.
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Okay, this looks like
the place.
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Hee hee hee hee.
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I was told someone in here
could do a job for me.
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Maybe. What kinda job
we talking about?
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Here's a picture.
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It's from Butt-Head's
uncle's house.
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Oh, yeah.
This really needs it.
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Yeah, yeah, I know.
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He slapped my
sunburn and stuff.
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Wow. Now, no offense,
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but you should have
taken care of this years ago.
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Yeah, really!
Yeah, no kidding.
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You know how many
square feet we're talking?
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I don't know.
He's got, like, two, you know.
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They're just, like,
normal foot shape.
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I don't know what you're--
- 2,000?
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That's about right. Okay.
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Yeah, I can be there
at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.
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The whole thing'll
take about four days.
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Yeah, good. Yeah.
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I want it to be slow, yeah.
Heh heh heh.
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Oh, almost forgot.
What color?
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Uh, I don't know.
I guess, um...
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I guess white, or something?
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Let me text my guys.
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I'm not racist, I just
want to kill my friend!
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Jesus Christ.
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All right. So I'll see you
tomorrow at 8:00?
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Oh, I'll be there, yeah.
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I want to watch
the whole thing.
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Butt-Head is going to die.
Hee hee heh heh.
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But here, we don't.
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Welcome to Montero.
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"]
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Uh, I think this is
supposed to be like
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that garden in the Bible.
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Where that chick Eve, or Eden,
or whatever her name is
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eats that fruit that
she wasn't supposed to.
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And then it, like,
puts a curse on the Earth.
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Yeah, see, that's one of
those stories
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that has a moral, you know.
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And the moral is fruit sucks.
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Yeah. Hee hee.
- Yeah.
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And so do gardens.
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♪ I'm not fazed... ♪
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Uh, then remember that
other part of the story
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where, like, God takes
the rib out of that dude
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and makes a chick?
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You know, if I could do that,
I would have no rib cage.
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Yeah, neither would I.
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I'd just
be a big blob of flesh
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with a bunch of chicks
around me and no bones.
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Hee hee hee.
Except I'd still have one bone.
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You know, Lil Nas X
could probably score
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with any chick in this video
that he wanted to, you know?
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Heh heh. And he definitely
wants to, yeah.
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He's all about the ladies.
Heh heh heh.
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Did you know the X
in Lil Nas X
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stands for extremely
interested in chicks?
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♪ What a time,
an incline ♪
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♪ God was shining on me... ♪
- Wait, who's that?
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Is that Satan?
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No, it's Darth Maul.
Heh heh.
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Satan is like part
of the Marvel universe.
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Oh, yeah, yeah.
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Uh, remember
that time that guy
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wanted you to be a Satanist?
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And then he said he'd take
you to the Satanic Church,
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but it was just a room
over his mom's garage?
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Oh, yeah, yeah.
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Yeah, I thought there would
be, like, naked chicks
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and like blood and stuff.
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But he just wanted
to sit around
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and talk about low taxes and--
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and libertarianism or
something, I don't know.
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It's like, that's not evil.
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It's just stupid.
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And it's also boring, Beavis.
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And I don't wanna
hear about it, either.
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So shut up.
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Oh, and-and remind me
to tell you later
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what he said about
who controls the media.
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You'd be surprised.
It's not who you think.
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Oh, and, oh,
you know what else?
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Um, did you know that
7-11 was an inside job?
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They don't want you
to know that.
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They suck.
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Look at him,
being all alive and stuff.
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But today,
he will be murdered.
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Get me more Count Chocula, butthole.
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Hee hee hee.
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Um, Butt-Head, ha, whatever
happens, just know that I'm--
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I'm like, sorry, or something.
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You're gonna be sorry
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if you don't get me
some Count Chocula.
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You know, it just--it had
to be this way, you know.
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You know what I'm saying?
I...I had no choice.
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What have I done?
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It's kinda like
messed up or something.
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Heh heh heh.
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He said evacuate.
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Damn it,
I don't think I can do this.
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Stop, stop!
I-I changed my mind, yeah.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
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Don't do it.
It's not worth it.
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00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,585
What are you
talking about, man?
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I came out here with my truck
and my whole crew.
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Jesus Christ, what were you
gonna do to him?
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He's just one guy.
- Hey, man.
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If you're canceling, I still
need my commencement check.
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How much is that?
Like $5.00, or something?
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No, 2,000!
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00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,034
Listen, you give me my
commencement check now,
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00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:01,383
or I'm gonna kick your ass!
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00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:04,560
Uh, what the hell's
going on out here?
200
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:06,388
I'm saving your life,
Butt-Head.
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00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:07,998
Go back inside
while you still can!
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00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:09,739
Hee hee.
203
00:10:09,826 --> 00:10:12,263
Uh, if you guys are
gonna beat up Beavis,
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00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,657
slap him on his sunburn.
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00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:16,790
He hates it.
Heh heh.
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00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:18,487
Uh, wait-wait
a minute, what?
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00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:20,489
And that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
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00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,578
Hey, no, no. No!
209
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,014
Aaaaaah!
210
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:25,668
No, no, no, wait, wait--
- Do it again.
211
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,888
Aah!
No!
212
00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:29,933
Aah!
213
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:35,025
No!
214
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:50,998
Hello.
I'm Tom Anderson,
215
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:53,870
veteran of two foreign wars.
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00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:57,482
And believe you me,
I've got some stories to tell.
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00:10:57,569 --> 00:10:59,659
But none of them
are quite like what happened
218
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,182
one particular morning
219
00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:04,315
during the Battle
of Heartbreak Ridge.
220
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:14,630
See, what you got here is
the wipers are all seized up.
221
00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:17,981
If one wiper worked, I'd say
maybe this loosened up on you.
222
00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:19,940
You could just
tighten this down.
223
00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:23,770
But I'd wager we're dealing
with a mechanical issue here.
224
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:26,120
Sir, we have to
get to the battle.
225
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:29,340
You can win this war quick,
or you can win this war right.
226
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:33,301
Now, of course,
I could get this off
227
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:36,521
if the last guy who fixed it
hadn't stripped the threads.
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00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:39,611
Oh, boy.
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00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,483
- Sir--
- Uh, now you get
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00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:44,312
200 miles down the road
and it starts raining on you,
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you're gonna be thanking me.
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00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:47,794
Bingo!
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00:11:47,881 --> 00:11:49,796
Now, inside the wiper motor
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00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:52,799
there's what I call
a park switch.
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00:11:52,886 --> 00:11:55,279
Yep, totally shot.
236
00:11:56,541 --> 00:12:00,502
And I ended up having to
replace the whole wiper motor.
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00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:03,026
But that little tale
will have to wait
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00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:06,595
for another one of
Tom Anderson's War Stories.