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["Just What I Needed" playing]
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- ♪ I don't mind you comin' here ♪
- [grunting]
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♪ Wastin' all my time ♪
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Here. Why? Why?
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- God! Fucking buttons.
- ♪ I don't mind you hangin' out ♪
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{\an8}♪ And talkin' in your sleep ♪
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♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪
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00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,232
[Evan] Siri, text Malcolm.
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00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:25,984
Hey, Malcolm, comma.
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00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:28,945
I'm at this fun teachers' conference thing
in Dallas, comma.
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You should come, period.
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I have a hotel room with a view of, like,
the parking lot. LOL, period.
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{\an8}Obviously, we can have sex
and stuff too, period.
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{\an8}[song ends]
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{\an8}Hi.
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00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:40,623
{\an8}- Yo.
- [Rick] Hey.
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{\an8}[Evan] Dallas Teachers
and Learning Conference.
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{\an8}- [Markie] Coming in.
- [Gwendolyn] Hey. Hi.
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- It's the most fun weekend of the year.
- [Markie] Coming in.
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- Free hotel, free continental breakfast.
- Oh.
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Everybody saying
teachers are the real heroes.
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You wanna meet a real hero,
get rescued by the SWAT team.
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{\an8}How would I get in a situation
to get rescued by the SWAT team?
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- I have to drive my car off a bridge?
- Right.
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What does the SWAT team do?
They kill people?
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Oh, there he is.
You excited for your speech tomorrow?
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[Grant] Yeah. I'm ready,
I'm ready, I'm ready.
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- Grant speech!
- [Gwendolyn] So good. His big speech.
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It is so bad. He has jokes in there
that are so not funny. Look at this.
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"Arnold Schwarzenegger voice,
'I'll teach math.'" Oh, my God.
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[Gwendolyn] And he says,
"Hold for ha ha ha."
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We gotta do some punch ups.
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[speaker 1] Hello, everyone.
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It's been a very hard start
to the year in fiscal terms.
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And I'll be blunt, when it comes
to the teachers pension fund,
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we're approaching what I
would generously call worst-case scenario.
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Damn, girl.
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Thank God I don't have to worry
about that pension shit.
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I got my money doing other things,
if you know what I mean.
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You know, you still have a pension.
It happens automatically.
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Shut up, dude.
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[speaker 2] Post-COVID, 20% to 25%
of students are, in a sense, hopeless.
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[Evan scoffs, groans]
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So, yes, we are starting to encourage
teachers to get a second full-time job.
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A second full-time job?
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Teachers can now be sued
by their students.
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And here's why that's bad.
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Damn.
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00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:09,754
Students are striking teachers either
with their fists or blunt objects 30%...
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Is it all bad news this year?
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[Rick] There's a fucking viral video
of one of these kids beating my ass.
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This is so depressing.
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I feel like teaching is just over.
Did we choose a dying profession?
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No, I think a dying profession chose us.
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[Rick] Hey, yo, you guys gotta meet Mitch.
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Get this. He might be our new
coworker soon. He likes football.
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- [Evan] Exciting.
- Cool.
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- Mitch. Mitch. Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. That's so exciting.
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What did you interview for?
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For new PE teacher and athletic director.
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The new PE teacher?
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Yeah, I met with, um, Grant Mariachi?
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- Principal Moretti.
- Grant Moretti.
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Grant Moretti, yeah. It went really well.
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Wait. But did you interview to be
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an additional PE teacher
or to replace the one that's there?
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Replacement, replacement.
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[Markie] Arms up.
Right in the middle, right?
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Now you got the ball, right? Secure it.
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- Whoa. Here.
- Take our spots in line.
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Oh, sick. Told you these guys rock.
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- Beer or tequila? Yes!
- Both.
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- [Gwendolyn] It's insane.
- [Evan] So sad.
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Really hope this is not the case.
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- Grant.
- Oh, fuck.
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[knocking]
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Yes?
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- [Evan] Hey.
- Are you firing Markie?
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That's complex.
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Wait, you're already in a robe?
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Yes, yes. When I check into a hotel,
I get into my robe immediately.
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One of life's little pleasures.
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Plus, I got the room upgrade.
So, there's a steam shower in there.
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- Thank you.
- Wait. Are you firing Markie or not?
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[sighs]
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There are certain things
that my job requires me to do
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that I might not necessarily want to do.
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You're firing Markie.
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- Oh, my God. Holy shit.
- [Grant] Oh, God.
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Gwendolyn, Evan,
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let's not make this any more complicated
than it already is, all right?
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The end.
Now, can you leave me alone, please?
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Wait. We had a couple thoughts
about your speech.
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Oh. All right. What are those thoughts?
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Some of the jokes are bad or--
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No, no, no, no,
I'm not doing this right now. No, thanks.
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- But if we just help you--
- I'm having robe time.
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We'll talk about this at dinner. Goodbye.
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What do you think happens
during robe time?
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00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:01,783
Probably watches Extra with Mario Lopez.
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Grant was acting so weird.
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I know. He's acting like
he's hiding a hooker.
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- Evan? Holy shit.
- Oh, my God. Pasha.
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- Dude, how are you?
- Talk about a blast from the past.
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This is Pasha. This is one
of my best friends from college.
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- Hi. What's up?
- Nice to meet you.
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- You're here with what? Sourcely?
- Yeah, we...
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we bang off, like,
ten of these things a year.
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- Whoa.
- What does, uh, Sourcely do?
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There's, like,
a giant market for unused grid power.
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And so what we do
is corporate-side energy arbitrage.
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00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:29,978
- Mmm. Yeah, yeah.
- So, we work with like,
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municipalities, commercial real estate,
even some residential.
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- Oh, yeah, for sure.
- Yeah.
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Five to seven years someone's going
to come out on top of this sector.
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- Might as well be us.
- Exactly.
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- [Gwendolyn] Exactly. Yeah.
- Yeah. [clears throat]
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Wait, wait. Is this wifey?
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[laughs] No, I'm still gay.
This is Gwen, my best friend.
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- You haven't converted him yet.
- Best friend.
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[laughs] I'm trying.
I'm trying to get him in the sack.
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- Uh, I love that.
- Yeah. We work together.
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We're, um... We're teachers.
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- Oh, nice.
- [Gwendolyn] We're teachers.
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Teachers? Well, I gotta say,
you guys are the real heroes.
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Thank you.
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00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,095
Hey, listen, I gotta peace out,
but let's link tonight.
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00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:05,013
Yeah, let's hang out.
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00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,764
- You want some swag bags?
- [Gwendolyn] Hell yeah.
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00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:07,932
- [Evan] Really?
- Yeah.
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00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:10,476
- I love swag bags. We don't get swag bags.
- Oh, my God.
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[Evan] All right, cool.
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Listen, I'll message you,
and we'll hang tonight.
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Yeah. Yeah. Let's let it rip.
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Wow. I can't picture you guys
being friends. He's so business-y.
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He does this thing when he's drunk.
He just shows you his dick. It's like...
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Oh, you love that.
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[speaker 3] If you decrease the amount
of education being administered,
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you'll also be decreasing burnout.
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And isn't that, after all,
what we're all trying to do?
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How often do you go up to Grant
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and, like, tell him that
you appreciate him as a boss?
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00:05:39,922 --> 00:05:42,467
- Why?
- Good vibes, job security, whatever.
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Grant would never have the balls
to fire me. Dude's a coward.
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You remember the chem teacher,
Ms. Davidson?
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She missed, like,
three months last year. Kept her job.
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She was on maternity leave.
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[Rick] Have you guys seen her baby?
It's so tall. Freaks me out.
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I had to block her on Instagram.
It looks like Slender Man.
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[speaker 3] Now I'll take any questions
you may have about student burnout.
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What is going on? These seminars
are bumming me out, man.
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Mmm. This chicken piccata is flames. Foof!
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I have to order another. Hey, papi.
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You're gonna get another one?
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You shouldn't even eat that one.
It looks undercooked.
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I asked for it that way.
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Chicken's like salmon. You want
the pink part to be room temp, hon.
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Okay, hon.
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Grant, these jokes.
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"Teachers lounge.
Yeah, they sure do." What?
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[Gwendolyn] It's in there,
like, four times.
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It's called a callback.
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Call back that joke.
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Evan, Gwendolyn, I know my audience.
I know what I'm doing.
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If you don't wanna rework the jokes,
maybe we can cut them.
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It doesn't have to be
like a comedy speech.
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No, he doesn't have to lose the jokes
if he's willing to lose the entire speech.
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- It's like a page one rewrite at best.
- Markie.
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I mean, he means, like, yeah,
there's still time to polish it.
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00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,787
He's saying it can be good.
It has potential to be good.
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00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,915
Yeah, polish this part about
how you love driving through car washes.
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Mm-hmm.
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What does that have to do
with being a principal?
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I get to it at the end.
Just read on, read on.
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00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:02,839
I mean, this reads like you can't read.
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00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,883
Like you assigned a bunch of kids
in detention to write it for you.
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00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:07,718
Wait.
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00:07:07,718 --> 00:07:10,680
My cousin created
his own version of ChatGPT
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00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,849
to write a more fucked-up version
of Breaking Bad, dude.
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00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:14,559
You can use that for your speech.
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That's it. I'm... I'm done eating.
Thank you very much. [groans]
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- Thank you very much.
- [Evan] Grant.
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00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:23,276
I mean, what's he gonna do?
Fire me? [chuckles]
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00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,321
[sighs]
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00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,116
Oh, my God.
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00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,285
[sighs]
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00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:35,121
- Hey, queen. What's up?
- [shouts] Oh, my God.
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00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,874
- Whoa, Malcolm. I forgot I invited you.
- Hi.
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00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,459
- Hi.
- Okay, thank you.
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00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,878
Sorry. I'm, like, exhausted.
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We had this crazy day where we were, like,
we were at all these seminars.
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And, like, every seminar is, like,
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00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:50,553
"This is why teaching
is worse than it's ever been.
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00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:53,848
And here's how to deal with
your students hitting you."
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00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:56,350
And it was like, oh, my God.
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00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,769
- Oh, no.
- What?
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00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:01,022
I came here to fuck
and order room service.
198
00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:02,190
I drove, like, three hours.
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00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:07,069
And now you're talking about, "Am I living
the life I'm supposed to live?" Like...
200
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:08,946
[whining]
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00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:12,366
No, but I'm serious.
Like, just talk to me for a second, okay?
202
00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,368
Do you really think I should be a teacher?
203
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,287
Like, is it worth it?
204
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,582
Am I like that guy
pushing the boulder up the hill?
205
00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:22,293
- What's his name?
- Robert?
206
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:25,922
[Polly] Question eight.
207
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:29,133
Name the five types of proteins
available on the Chipotle menu.
208
00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:31,177
- Okay, lamb.
- Immediately no.
209
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,679
What was the question to number three?
210
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,224
We wrote James Madison and then
crossed it out and put Run-D.M.C.
211
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,350
That can't be right.
212
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,101
[Markie] You should come down
to the batting cages, man.
213
00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:41,729
I know the guy there. He'll let me
unplug the machine. I can just...
214
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,606
And then I would just...
[mimics bat hitting ball]
215
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,775
[Markie laughs] Socking dingers all day!
216
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:49,654
This is so crazy. He's, like, talking to
his replacement and he doesn't even know.
217
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,989
Oh, my God.
We have to do something about it.
218
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:54,450
He's gonna figure this out later
and be like, "You guys didn't tell me."
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00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:55,910
I don't wanna be the one to tell him.
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00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:58,955
Me neither. I feel like that's kind of
a job for Grant, if we're gonna be honest.
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00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,456
- He's the principal.
- He's the principal.
222
00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:02,833
Okay, good. It was good
working through that with you.
223
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,335
[Polly] Next question. What is a duel...
224
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,379
- [Gwendolyn] Who you texting?
- That guy Pasha.
225
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,922
Pasha? Who's that?
226
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:09,507
You know that company
Sourcely he works for?
227
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:10,424
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
228
00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:13,052
They're doing some huge party.
Look, light-up dance floor.
229
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,053
Oh, my God.
230
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,097
I'm gonna sneak out and go.
You guys stay here.
231
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,723
Yeah, we'll come with you.
Let's go to a party.
232
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,725
- Yeah. I would love to.
- This trivia is impossible.
233
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:21,018
Your mom still in the picture?
234
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:23,271
We don't talk much, you know, but--
235
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:24,939
Markie, we're going to a party.
Come with us.
236
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,148
Hos before bros.
237
00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:27,775
- [both laugh]
- [Mitch] I love you.
238
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:29,402
[Markie] I'm so glad we met.
I'ma text you.
239
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:33,406
All right. Later, losers. We're going
to party with rich people. Ha!
240
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,907
["The Touch of Love" playing]
241
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:37,660
♪ We got the touch of love ♪
242
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:41,080
[Pasha laughs] Ring a ding-ding.
There he is. The king has arrived.
243
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,415
[both laugh]
244
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,626
All right. Hey, Dan, Eileen,
come over here. Meet my boy Evan.
245
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:46,752
- [Eileen] Hi.
- What's up, man? Dan.
246
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:49,589
Yeah, this guy was such a legend
back in college.
247
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,632
Let me tell you,
when Spring Fling got canceled,
248
00:09:51,632 --> 00:09:53,384
he single-handedly found
this sick-ass warehouse
249
00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:55,261
and convinced Passion Pit
to perform for free.
250
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,597
- Passion Pit?
- Yeah, that was crazy.
251
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,266
I can't believe
they slept on my nasty couch.
252
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,560
- [Dan, Eileen laugh]
- Damn. That couch sounds nasty.
253
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,811
Yuck.
254
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,231
This is Rick, guys.
Sorry, we work together.
255
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:08,316
- [Eileen] Hey.
- Hey. Dan.
256
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,400
I just wanna say
257
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:13,279
I indubitably love what you guys are doing
in terms of solar and those such things.
258
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,406
- [chuckles] Wow, bro.
- [Dan] Thank you. Great.
259
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:17,867
- Well, indu-indubitably thank you.
- [all laugh]
260
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:20,411
Yeah, but what you guys do,
honestly, like, teaching and shit?
261
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,330
- I mean, that is so noble.
- [Dan] So freaking noble.
262
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,457
[Pasha] You know,
we need badass educators like you
263
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,083
to teach the next gen to think critically
264
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,002
- 'cause there's so much disinfo out there.
- Preach.
265
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,337
Oh, thanks. Yeah.
266
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:32,089
Mostly I feel like my job is
telling kids to put their phones away.
267
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,467
[laughing]
268
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:38,846
Whereas, I am in more...
That school stuff is a side hustle.
269
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:41,098
I'm more of
a successful business consultant.
270
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,601
- Oh.
- You wanna go grab a drink?
271
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,144
Oh, yeah. Let's do it. I'm empty.
272
00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:48,064
Tell me a little more about this, uh,
business card.
273
00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,899
"Businessman extraordinaire, CEO."
274
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,025
You put "bitch" on there.
275
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:53,277
Yeah, we keep it weird in Austin.
[chuckles]
276
00:10:53,277 --> 00:10:54,779
Do you guys ever go to the mall?
277
00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:58,824
I got four dogs. Four dog walkers.
278
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,410
- Wow.
- Plus, my boss lets me work at home a ton.
279
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:03,079
My new home office is sick.
280
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,038
You bought a house?
281
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,247
Yeah, I bought it last fall.
282
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,291
- In cash. [laughs]
- [sighs]
283
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:09,043
The dream, man.
284
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:12,338
I haven't even been able to think
about buying a house, honestly.
285
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:16,258
Can barely get enough money scraped up
to even put anything in my savings.
286
00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:18,219
Everybody's always judging capitalism.
287
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,097
And it's, like, well,
what are you gonna do? Die poor?
288
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,807
No, it's disgusting.
289
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:25,810
You know, we need good people at Sourcely.
290
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,896
[chuckles] That's so nice. Thanks.
291
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:34,318
No, I don't... I mean, I wouldn't know
anything about solar municipal arbi...
292
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:37,071
- What is it? Arbitration?
- [chuckles] Arbitrage.
293
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:38,197
Yeah. Who cares?
294
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:41,117
All you have to do is know
about people, and you know people.
295
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,537
You just say the word, and we can start
having this conversation for real.
296
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,999
[Rick] We need to get one
of these tubs at the school.
297
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:51,627
We can't afford pencils, Rick.
We're not gonna get a hot tub.
298
00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:53,170
"Uh, can't afford pencils."
299
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,380
[chuckles]
300
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,881
What's up with you? You good?
301
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,092
I don't know. [laughs]
302
00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,010
You guys ever think
about what your life would be like
303
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,929
if you did something
completely different for work?
304
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:04,598
- Dude, yes.
- Oh, go to one fancy party
305
00:12:04,598 --> 00:12:07,852
and all of a sudden you're questioning
your whole life, huh?
306
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:10,020
[chuckles] It's all fool's gold, boys.
307
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:11,689
Fool's gold is still gold.
308
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:16,444
[Gwendolyn] What would you do if you
suddenly had, like, a ton of free time?
309
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,279
[panting] Like so much.
310
00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,823
Probably get back into fighting shape.
311
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:22,908
- That's cool.
- [Markie] Yeah.
312
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:24,493
- Why?
- [Gwendolyn] No reason.
313
00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:26,871
Will you come over here?
I feel like I'm shouting at you.
314
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,290
I'm in. No, I'm in. This is... I'm fine.
315
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,958
What? Are you afraid? You can't swim?
316
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,127
[chuckles] Who told you that?
317
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,336
What?
318
00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:35,421
I can't swim.
319
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,007
Oh, wait. No, I was kidding.
Are you serious?
320
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,467
It's not something I'm proud of, okay?
321
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,802
Wait, but you coach the swim team.
322
00:12:41,802 --> 00:12:45,014
I know. It's, like, it's a different
skill set entirely, all right?
323
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,682
You don't see Belichick out there
324
00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:49,185
running routes
and wearing pads and whatnot.
325
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:52,813
Look... It would mean a lot
if you just kept this between us.
326
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,940
- Yeah, of course.
- Yeah, okay. Thank you.
327
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,318
Maybe I can teach you
328
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,320
once Nick finishes building the pool
at our house.
329
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:01,071
I would love that.
330
00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:03,783
Do you think it's normal for, like,
an unemployed man
331
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,952
to be spending all of his time
digging a pool by hand?
332
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,455
What does normal even mean these days?
333
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,665
I don't think it's normal at all.
334
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:15,044
Sorry. I've never said that out loud.
So just don't...
335
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,213
- No, no. Hey.
- ...tell anybody that I said that.
336
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:20,758
You could tell me pretty much anything
at this point. I'm a vault.
337
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:24,678
All I'm saying is there's a reason
you guys ended up in this profession.
338
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:28,808
The only reason I'm a guidance counselor
is because when I was in high school,
339
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,477
my guidance counselor asked
what I wanted to do for a living.
340
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,729
I couldn't think of anything,
so I just said guidance counselor.
341
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:34,647
[Evan] Hmm.
342
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,482
[Rick] Then I had to go
get my damn master's.
343
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,067
It was four years of my life.
344
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,236
I don't want to make it seem
like I don't love teaching.
345
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,279
Like, I love teaching so much.
346
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:44,281
It's the meaning of my life.
347
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:48,786
I just feel like it's getting harder,
isn't it?
348
00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:49,995
Of course it is.
349
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:52,414
These kids, they're... they're...
350
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,543
I don't know. COVID did something, man.
351
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:56,502
Got everybody dead.
352
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:59,296
I can't get classes in line.
353
00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:01,257
Kids are making up diseases.
354
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,508
They're hooking up everywhere.
355
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:06,679
Do you think it'll be any easier
when you are doing anything else?
356
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,472
You'll always be meeting with hurdles.
357
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:10,808
People you don't like working with.
358
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:13,018
Remember what's important.
359
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:14,395
The love of what you do,
360
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,439
the people that surround you,
the people that support you.
361
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:20,484
Good people make good teachers.
362
00:14:20,484 --> 00:14:22,778
And, Evan, you are good people.
363
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,366
Good people are good teachers.
364
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,451
That's your speech.
That's what you should say.
365
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,370
I'm done with your advice.
366
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,291
I'm sticking with the original speech
as written, and that's final.
367
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,501
- [alarm rings]
- All right, y'all, that's 30 minutes.
368
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:40,170
We gotta get out now or we'll die.
Come on.
369
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,425
- Wakey, wakey.
- Oh, my God.
370
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:45,843
- Wake up.
- Malcolm, oh, my God.
371
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,137
It's a beautiful day here
in Dallas, Texas.
372
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,264
- We have a clear sky today.
- Oh, my God.
373
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,390
- Come on.
- It's so early.
374
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,142
I have a good itinerary for us today.
375
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:56,312
We're gonna go to Dealey Plaza
and see where JFK got his shit rocked.
376
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:58,314
I can't go to Dealey Plaza, Malcolm.
377
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:01,025
I'm gonna have to, like,
do conference stuff.
378
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,611
- I'm at a teachers' conference.
- Ew. Why?
379
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:05,988
What are you talking about?
I'm not on vacation.
380
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:07,364
This is like a work event.
381
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:09,491
Then why am I here?
382
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:12,620
Girl, I don't know. Why are you here?
383
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,457
Are you kidding? Are you actually kidding?
384
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,417
I did not mean it like that.
I just mean, like--
385
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:21,045
Don't make me feel stupid.
You invited me. Remember?
386
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,756
I feel like we've had this conversation,
like, 50 times before.
387
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,467
You can't just, like,
do everything your way all the time.
388
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,052
You have to consider me.
389
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,721
Yes, but, Malcolm, that is something
that boyfriends say to each other,
390
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,932
and need I remind you
that we are not boyfriends.
391
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,850
There is a variety of reasons for that.
392
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:38,228
But remember that there have been
many times when I wanted to get back
393
00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:41,357
into this relationship when you did not
want to get back into this relationship.
394
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:46,278
Okay, yeah. Like one time
in random-ass 2022 I rejected you.
395
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,322
So you get to be an asshole to me forever.
396
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:49,615
That's how it works? Okay.
397
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:53,285
Who the fuck is the one that
drove here to Dallas for you?
398
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:54,703
- I did that.
- You know what?
399
00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:58,040
This conversation is over
because we are just gonna be friends now.
400
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,751
We're gonna be friends who do not fuck.
401
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:03,754
Because I am tired of these confusing
402
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:06,882
lovey-dovey, boyfy-boyfy vibes.
403
00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,676
"Boyfy-boyfy"... Ew.
404
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,177
Ew.
405
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:11,553
Whatever. You're right. You're right.
406
00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:14,765
But don't expect me to drive you
to urgent care at 3:00 a.m.
407
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,350
because you think you have
full body cancer.
408
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,185
I won't because we're just friends.
409
00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:19,603
Perfect.
410
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:20,896
I love that.
411
00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:22,564
[Gwendolyn]
Evan, are you tipping the maid?
412
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:23,941
Oh, hey, Malcolm.
413
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:25,025
Hey, Gwen.
414
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:27,778
Why does it feel weird in here?
415
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,446
You guys mad at me?
416
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:33,534
- [Pasha] Ev.
- Yo!
417
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:34,994
What's up my brother from another mother?
418
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,078
[Evan] How's it going?
419
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:37,538
We missed you last night, man.
420
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:39,415
[sighs] The after-party was insane.
421
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:41,875
We ended up at this total dive bar
that's, like, brand-new.
422
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:45,295
Hell yeah.
Yeah. This brunch is so nice, man.
423
00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:48,215
Right? Everything is top-notch here.
That's not prosecco, that's champagne.
424
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,551
- [laughs] Seafood towers, all organic.
- Wow.
425
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,636
Actually, most of that seafood's
out of the Indian Ocean.
426
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:54,388
- So decadent.
- Yeah.
427
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:56,765
Come on, Evan. I mean, you're here.
You showed up.
428
00:16:57,599 --> 00:17:00,144
What is this? Be real. Come on.
429
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:01,353
You wanna work at Sourcely.
430
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,733
I'm... I'm open to it. [chuckles]
431
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:08,861
- You open? Fuck yes. [laughs]
- I'm not... I'm not committing.
432
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:12,072
- Okay. Well, Evan, I am so pumped.
- I'm just saying I'm open to it.
433
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:14,241
Your whole life is gonna change.
This is gonna be great.
434
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,076
[Rick] I tried opening a loan
with my bank--
435
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,327
Oh, Rick is here.
436
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:19,788
My Discover card
used to have a picture of a wolf,
437
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,249
but now it has a picture of two horses.
438
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:23,959
- [Rick, Eileen laugh]
- [Pasha] Yeah.
439
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:27,129
[chuckles] Dan, uh, invited him over
to pitch a couple of his...
440
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,630
[clears throat] ..."business ideas."
441
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:31,592
[laughs] Yeah, it's cool
that you're nice to him.
442
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:33,927
Obviously, he's got
a couple of screws loose. [laughs]
443
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:36,597
- You guys are making fun of him?
- No, I'm just--
444
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,474
You brought my friend here
to make fun of him?
445
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,934
Well... [scoffs] No. I...
446
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,728
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Evan, come on.
447
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:46,356
So it's basically like DoorDash,
except you're hiring someone
448
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:48,692
to hang out with your weird
and lonely grandma.
449
00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:51,528
Oh, yeah. Our investment team
is gonna love that. [laughs]
450
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:53,739
- Sorry. What is this?
- Rick's pitching us...
451
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:54,865
What's it called again?
452
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:55,866
Granny Grabber.
453
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,993
[chuckles] Why is it called that?
454
00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,620
Because you're grabbing
your granny's heart.
455
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,622
[laughing]
456
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,332
What's funny?
457
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:05,834
You guys know Rick has a real fucking job.
458
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:08,796
He's a college counselor.
He helps kids get into college.
459
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:11,590
What do you guys do here again
at "Sourcely"?
460
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,093
Evan, I already told you, man.
Energy arbitrage.
461
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,385
That's not a real thing.
462
00:18:15,385 --> 00:18:17,346
Nobody's ever heard of energy arbitrage.
463
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:20,349
That's the most conceptual thing
I've ever heard of. That's not a real job.
464
00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:22,601
- We're leaving, Rick. Come on.
- What are you doing to me?
465
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:24,478
Come on.
And you act gay when you're drunk!
466
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,605
[Rick] Hey! I'm not done pitching.
467
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:29,149
Wait. I never actually got to try one
of these shrimps,
468
00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:31,026
- so I'm gonna just take them all.
- [Pasha] Hey, hey, Evan.
469
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:33,320
Hey, come on, we shipped those clams in.
470
00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:40,244
Rick, I want you to know
you're cooler than all those people.
471
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,371
[Rick] Yeah. No shit.
472
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:44,915
That's the most obvious shit ever.
473
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,418
[speaker] Let's give a warm welcome
to one of our keynote speakers.
474
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:51,755
From Morrison-Hensley,
Principal Grant Moretti.
475
00:18:51,755 --> 00:18:53,715
- Whoo!
- [applauding]
476
00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:57,469
Thank you. Thank you.
477
00:18:57,469 --> 00:18:59,763
Hi. Oh, my God. You're in time.
478
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,098
Seafood tower?
479
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:02,474
Yeah, don't worry about it.
480
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:05,352
I recall a story having met
481
00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:09,148
a very young teacher
from Austria named Arnold.
482
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:12,401
And I asked him,
"What would you want to teach?"
483
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:14,361
After long, long consideration,
484
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,614
Arnold finally raises his hand
and answers,
485
00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:19,283
[Schwarzenegger voice] "I'll teach math."
486
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,118
[audience laughing]
487
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,744
[clapping]
488
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:24,496
Now you may not realize this about me,
489
00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:28,041
but I love to drive through the car wash.
490
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:29,293
[audience chuckling]
491
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,003
I mean, there's nothing like the freedom
492
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:34,006
of ten minutes alone
in the tunnel of suds.
493
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,091
[laughing]
494
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:40,554
- You guys, he's, like... He's killing.
- I know. He knows his audience.
495
00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:42,431
I knew he would do fine.
496
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:46,101
Some of the most fulfilling
and the greatest relationships I have
497
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:50,606
are with the teachers
who I consider my friends.
498
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:55,068
Good people make good teachers,
and let's never forget that.
499
00:19:58,405 --> 00:19:59,823
- You should say something.
- You tell him.
500
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,868
Y'all ever see these videos of kids
trying lemons for the first time?
501
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,620
- Hey, Markie.
- Hmm?
502
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,789
We wanted to talk to you
about this concerning thing we heard
503
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:10,250
about your employment at school.
504
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:13,587
You heard rumors
that I'm thinking about leaving Morrison?
505
00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:14,713
Something like that.
506
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:16,131
- In a sense, yeah.
- [Markie] Well,
507
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,885
sounds to me
like my strategy is working. [sighs]
508
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,136
Your strategy?
509
00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:23,430
- I never told you guys about this?
- [Evan] No.
510
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:25,307
Every year, I pretend to quit.
511
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:28,685
Walk in Grant's office,
tell him I got a new job offer...
512
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:32,064
[chuckles] ...but I don't, and it just
makes him appreciate me more.
513
00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:36,109
What? That's the craziest
fucking thing I've ever heard.
514
00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:38,987
The thing is the poor guy doesn't even
realize how much he's being manipulated.
515
00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:41,615
I gotta hit the road, y'all.
I'm gonna stop and visit my nana.
516
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,617
Oh! Sweetie.
517
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:45,285
Yeah, she owes me, like, 400 bucks.
518
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:46,912
Later, y'all.
519
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:49,122
Look, if we leave
within the next ten minutes,
520
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,667
we'll beat the heck out of traffic.
521
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:54,253
- [Evan] Grant, how much did you pack?
- Just everything I need.
522
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:56,964
Hey, Grant. Don't replace Markie, okay?
523
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,091
Because he doesn't have a job offer.
He's messing with you.
524
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,468
- He's literally lying about it.
- Well, I know that.
525
00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:03,178
- [Evan] You do?
- Of course I do.
526
00:21:03,178 --> 00:21:04,554
Every year he pretends to quit.
527
00:21:04,554 --> 00:21:06,473
So every year, I pretend to look
for his replacement.
528
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:10,394
- It's this little dance we do.
- That is so toxic.
529
00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:13,021
- We were worried sick all weekend.
- [Gwendolyn] I mean, it was...
530
00:21:13,021 --> 00:21:15,023
[Evan] Rick, why are you wearing
all that Sourcely gear?
531
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:16,650
Those people were making fun of you.
532
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:19,569
Dude. No, that's just how
we joke around, buddy.
533
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,655
I'm pretty sure
they were making fun of you.
534
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:23,573
Oh, my God, you look like Neo.
535
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:25,284
I'll see you guys.
536
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,244
Yo, Mitch! What's up, player?
537
00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:29,538
Rick, not too far.
We're leaving right now.
538
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:33,083
[Gwendolyn] You know, that Pasha guy
sent me a picture of his ass.
539
00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:34,167
[Evan] Let me see.
540
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:38,964
- ♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪
- ♪ Just what I needed ♪
541
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:41,967
♪ I needed someone to feed ♪
542
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:46,430
- ♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪
- ♪ Just what I needed ♪
543
00:21:47,055 --> 00:21:49,599
♪ I needed someone to bleed ♪
544
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,351
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
545
00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:52,436
♪ So bleed me ♪
546
00:21:58,525 --> 00:22:00,235
♪ You're just what I needed ♪
547
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:07,576
♪ You're just what I needed ♪
548
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:14,875
♪ Hey, you're just what I needed ♪
549
00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:18,420
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪