Empty the register into the bag!
Now!
Ed!
You're a dead man, Ed Kennedy.
WOMAN: Maybe someone's decided you're a hero.
Are you here to save us?
(GLASS SMASHES)
(ALARM RINGS)
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
Terence: How do you feel about speaking at Milla's funeral?
ED: I haven't got a great track record with eulogies.
I have a kid!
You can't just waltz back in now that you've found your conscience.
Bad dad! Bad dad!
Agh!
Do you think it's allowed? To help your friends? To put THEM on a card?
Do it, Ritchie.
Audrey!
It's not all on you, Ritch. It was an accident.
(SCREAMS)
(YELLS) You told me to do it!
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I got the blame for all of it
and you got nothing!
I'm arresting you for the assault of Don King.
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
(YELLS) Stop!
(SILENCE)
(SPARSE DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
(WIND HOWLS)
MELINDA: My balloon!
MARV: It's OK, baby girl.
(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)
It's OK.
You'll get that balloon.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(CACOPHONY)
(LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
Oi, boy. Come here. Come here.
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
MAN: Despite what this looks like, this is not part of the Sledge.
This is on you too, Auds.
Come on, darling, we don't need to listen to this shit anymore.
Should be you under arrest, Ritchie.
Mum, stop. You're crazy.
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
And put the money in the charity boxes or you will burn in hell.
(GROANS)
Oh!
OK.
Where's Melinda?
Oh, shit!
Ooh.
Audrey!
Wait. Audrey?! Ritchie?!
A little help here!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
RITCHIE: Please don't lock up Marv.
Despite appearances and his unnatural love for his car,
he's a REALLY great man.
And he's my friend.
Can I please make, um... a statement for his good character?
Well, that usually happens later in the process, if it goes to court.
But I can take your name and your...
(PEN SCRATCHES)
Yeah. Here. Here. Frank's here.
I'm Marvin's lawyer.
Alright, everyone, in the room.
Well, I'm not the one who needs an apology, Tanya.
And I don't know what is going on with your daughter,
but it was scary.
Mm-hm.
Well, you CAN see it, actually. I took video of the thing.
Mum. Yeah.
OK.
Please, don't send it.
OK, I'll send it to you. Mum, don't send it.
(MESSAGE WHOOSHES)
(SIGHS) Blaming YOU for what happened
when you were the only one who stood by her
after she stabbed that kid.
She's just lost her one and only friend.
Well, she has Ed and Marv, Mum.
Marv?
Christ, what WAS that?
I still don't get it.
Why would he assault your father?
Seriously, what is wrong with your friends?!
Please, stop.
Look, the sooner you get to uni the better
because so much...
Oh! Just stop! Stop!
I'm on your side, Audrey. Well, stop!
Stop being on my side!
(CRIES)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
That was some serious sledging out on the field today.
You, uh... kind of attacked the wrong side.
Right side.
Mm. It was Audrey.
Needed to be said.
This thing with Amy, I know it happened a long time ago, though.
You and Audrey are like best friends.
Well, maybe we won't be friends anymore.
Yeah, let me fix this for you, Ritchie.
What are you doing?
Calling her.
(PHONE LINE RINGS)
I'm on a card.
Aren't I?
What if that's not what I want, Ed?
You and Audrey have been friends since birth.
Stop the car. Oh, Ritchie, come on.
You and Audrey belong together.
You're talking about you, Ed, not me.
Why doesn't anyone ever talk to me about what I want?!
(YELLS) Stop the car, Ed!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
She's not talking to me, but maybe she'll talk to you.
(KNOCKS)
Audrey?
Ed's here.
Open up now, sweetheart.
Audrey?
Oh, shit!
No.
How could she leave without saying goodbye? We... We have a rule.
Maybe she's at Simon's?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Sorry, I haven't seen her.
Tell me about this Sledge match again.
I mean, what even is that?
It's football and sledging.
You yell insults at your opponent and make them cry. It's for charity.
And Ritchie sledged Audrey?
Yeah, but she wasn't supposed to
because they're on the same team.
The police arrested her.
No. Keep... Keep up, Simon.
They arrested Marv because of the whole Don King thing.
You do know he's Audrey's dad, yeah?
Do you guys ever talk?
About, like, anything?
Not really.
But you are her boyfriend.
Well, she sleeps with me.
We both know she loves YOU.
Sorry, Simon, could you say that last bit again?
Who knew? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Yeah, no, quite right, Milla. Stop faffing about.
It's the heart card.
(DOG PANTS)
I've just gotta lay it on the line, right, Dad?
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Yeah, OK, I'll call her.
Yeah, that's old school.
And if she doesn't answer, then I'll... just hang up.
(DOG PANTS)
Ooh!
(PHONE LINE RINGS)
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
(PHONE LINE RINGS) (DOG PANTS)
VOICEMAIL: You've called Audrey. Leave a message.
(BEEP!)
Oh, it's... Oh. Hey, Auds. Um...
I just saw Simon. Yeah. Uh... He says hi. (CHUCKLES)
Um... I had an interesting chat with him.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
He's a, um...
He's a good guy.
He's, uh... He's very... very buff.
Yeah, I can see why you wanna have sex with him.
Sorry, not that I want to have sex with Simon, I don't...
I would like to have a chat with you.
So, um... just... if...
Call me.
Bye.
Ohh!
(DOG PANTS) Agh. Argh.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Ahh!
(PHONE BUZZES)
Audrey, please, don't listen to that voicemail.
Wait, wait, wait! Tell them I didn't take the pillow.
What?
Don King's trying to press charges on me for theft on top of assault!
For stealing a frigging pillow, bro! Tell Hal I didn't do it!
Tell him now! Now. Here, here.
He didn't take the pillow, OK? I should know. I was there.
Hal, this assault was really more like a pillow fight
than a fight-fight, OK?
It was.
You should really check the CCTV footage of the store, OK,
then you'll see that Marv, he didn't mean to hit him,
he was just trying to defend the honour of our friend Audrey.
Would you be willing to make a statement to that effect?
Definitely. I will come back now.
Tomorrow. 8:00AM.
And bring Audrey. She's a witness too.
And... And...
...bring the other one.
(TRAIN CHUGS)
(RAILS SCREECH)
Why is this card so hard?!
No, I can do this.
I can do this.
(MESSAGE WHOOSHES)
(PHONE BUZZES)
AUDREY: (SIGHS) Go away.
(MESSAGE WHOOSHES)
(PHONE BUZZES)
Head to the city for the weekend?
Uh... Leaving, actually.
Not coming back.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Hey, um...
...everything alright?
Yeah.
I'm all good.
Really.
(SIGHS)
(ON VIDEO) You told me to do it! I'm sorry!
I got all the blame and you got nothing!
That voice inside my head - it was you, it wasn't me!
You told me to cut it. You told me to cut her hair!
She turned around at the wrong time!
(SCREAMS)
(WHISTLE BLOWS) (INDISTINCT YELLING)
What are you doing?
This is what happens when you don't take your meds.
Can't you see that now?
See what?
God, Ritchie.
You're having a psychotic episode.
No. No, no, I'm not.
That's private. Hey. No.
Why are you looking up Amy Parker?!
You're not meant to be anywhere near her.
Are you stalking her?
I just talked to her.
Oh, but then I stabbed her.
That is not funny.
No. It isn't.
Because you think I'd actually do that. Wh...
Why is it that you never ask me whether I'm OK?
Or... Or maybe even, "Why? Why, Ritchie? Why did you go see her?
"Why did you go see Amy?" OK, I'm calling Dr Nadel.
(YELLS) Dad! Mum!
(INHALES DEEPLY)
I needed to know
what really happened that day at school.
I...
It changed my whole life.
(SNIFFS) So, uh... Amy...
...she's fine by the way.
Thought it was all blown out of proportion.
And just so you know, Audrey - she told me to do it.
It was a dare.
"Cut her plait," she said. "It'll be funny."
And Audrey never s...
She ne...
She never owned up.
She didn't...
She didn't have to pay...
...like I did.
(PHONE BUZZES)
(PHONE LINE RINGS)
Oh, come on, Ritchie, pick up.
I know you're in there.
OK, tell me what YOU want, Ritchie.
All I've ever wanted is to be treated like everyone else.
Is that... Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, but you're not like everyone else, Ritchie.
I'm not crazy.
No, but you're wired differently.
And right now you're having a manic episode
because you went off your drugs
because you refuse to accept that you're bipolar.
You refuse to accept that maybe I'm not.
It's you who told everyone that's what I was - Dr Nadel, the school...
No. No. No. ...because that was your mum.
I'm not her, Dad.
I know you hated that she never took her meds or got help,
but maybe there's a reason she didn't want to take this shit.
Yes, because she didn't think she needed to, just like you!
And... And then she died, and I don't want to lose you too, Ritchie.
Dad! And I'm scared.
She fell in the bathtub.
There was other things...
Whether she was taking her meds or not, it still would have happened.
Ritchie, stop it! Vin, you too!
Just... I'm sorry, Dad. I really am.
She left a note!
What?
She left a note behind.
For me.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
(BREATHES RAGGEDLY)
(GOD MUST HATE ME BY CATIE TURNER PLAYS)
(STEADIES BREATH)
SONG: # Do you ever see someone and think
♪ "Wow, God must hate me"?
♪ 'Cause he spent so much time on them
♪ And for me he got lazy
♪ Got ample mental illness Personality flaws
♪ While their only flaws seems to be that they have none at all
♪ Do you ever see someone and think
♪ "Wow, God must hate me"?
♪ I'll let him take accountability
♪ For everything that's wrong with me
♪ Can't hold myself responsible
♪ So, I'll blame the metaphysical
♪ If Jesus died for all our sins
♪ He left one behind The body I'm in
♪ Same hands that made the moon and the stars
♪ Got carpal tunnel and forgot some parts
♪ I don't know what I believe
♪ But it's easier to think he made a mistake with me
♪ Do you ever see someone and think, "Wow, God must hate me"?
♪ 'Cause he spent so much time on them
♪ And for me he got lazy. ♪
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(PANTS)
I didn't know that you could do that.
You can't be here, Ed.
My parents will kill you.
Then they'll lock me up in a psych ward for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to listen in.
(QUIETLY) Why didn't you say something, about going off the drugs?
I thought you seemed different.
Then why didn't you say something?
I'm sorry. I'm just so shit at this stuff.
You don't say. (SIGHS)
It's over now.
Experiment finished.
I just... wanted to know...
...who I was without them...
...how I felt as me.
And how did it feel?
Intense.
It all felt so much more.
I don't know if...
...any of it's normal
or if I'm gonna end up like my nan.
Whoa.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Serial killer. String. Suspects.
(CHUCKLES)
"Who's behind the cards?"
I didn't even make it as a suspect.
You?
Yeah, nah.
Show me.
Show me the world according to Ritchie.
All of it.
What it looks like, what it feels like.
Just let me be you for a night.
And then maybe I can tell you if it's normal.
If that's what YOU want.
Go Fish.
Oh. More fun with three.
(SIGHS) Alright, then.
Go on.
We'll use this.
Do you mind if I...
Oh. ...deal?
Want to see a trick?
(LAUGHS) Oh!
Just a trick my friend Ritchie taught me
at card night.
So, where are you two off to?
We're just heading to the city for New Year's for the fireworks
and then we'll be back.
Oh, well, then you'll miss Moledale's fireworks.
Five drunk guys shooting flare guns down the main street.
Yay, Moledale.
So, you've got a problem with Moledale?
Yeah.
Drunks on New Year's Eve?
That, and it's boring.
ED: Whoo! (RITCHIE LAUGHS)
There's nowhere to go.
(RITCHIE LAUGHS)
Nothing to do except be miserable.
Your life slowly leaking away.
OK. (CLEARS THROAT)
(INSECTS CHIRP)
(ED LAUGHS)
Ohh!
(LAUGHS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Uh... Any aces?
People aren't bad, though.
Some of them.
Yeah, but, I mean, they're all stuck too.
Everyone's hiding something,
pretending to be something they're not.
ED: Yeah.
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I mean, no-one talks about real stuff.
It's just...
...cards, cars, darts, dumb movies.
Nothing that really matters.
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)
ED: Once you've seen that first face, you see them everywhere.
(GIGGLES)
I mean, you've had the same friends since forever,
and they think they know everything about you.
And they won't let you forget it, but...
...the truth is they don't.
We all used to have such big dreams about who we'd be and where we'd go.
(WHISPERS) And...
(POPS LIPS)
(LAUGHS)
And...
(BLOWS)
(LAUGHS)
How was your day? Missed me?
(GASPS) Wow!
Did you make that just for me?
Let's put it up on the wall, shall we?
(CHUCKLES) (GIGGLES)
And...
...cue music.
(VIOLIN PLAYS GENTLY IN OTHER UNIT)
And...
Sounding good. Sounding good!
You're getting better!
How are you doing this?
(GIGGLES) Seriously, how?
And where did all those dreams go?
Down the Moledale drain, that's where.
Got any kings?
Mm. Thank you very much.
(CHUCKLES) Finally, I win.
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZES)
(ENGINE POWERS DOWN)
See?
ANNOUNCER: Attention, passengers. Even the train sucks!
We're experiencing some technical difficulties,
but we should be back on our way soon.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
What's your verdict?
Crazy?
Or normal?
Hm!
Um... Well, you're not crazy, Ritchie.
And you're not normal.
(LAUGHS)
But, like, who is?
You're different, but you're good different.
(FIRE CRACKLES)
I don't want to go back on the drugs.
I feel like I was just getting the hang of life without them.
But my parents will never let me try that again.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Well, do they get to decide?
You know, we're not kids anymore. (SCOFFS)
What does your psych say?
He's, like, 103... (CHUCKLES)
...and reports everything back to my parents,
but, um...
...I get it now.
(SIGHS) My parents don't want me to end up like Nan.
I can't believe...
I can't believe she killed herself.
Do you ever think about it?
Yeah.
I think about it.
Do you ever feel like that?
But, hey, I am glad you're here.
And you know you don't have to do it all alone.
If you wanted to try again, you know, go off the drugs
or change them,
I can be there with you.
We could do it together.
You could move in with me if you like.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Yeah. You could take Dad's old room.
'Cause, to be honest, I get quite lonely without him.
Oh, God!
(LAUGHS)
I have liquid leaking from my eyes.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)
Uh... (LAUGHS)
You'd seriously do that for me?
Oh, yeah.
Give me that heart card.
He never acknowledged me.
Not once.
(CHUCKLES DRYLY)
Not when I was born or when I topped my school. Never.
He's why you're running?
Because I'm starting to think maybe he's right...
...not wanting anything to do with me.
Everything I touch I wreck.
That's bullshit.
He is not right.
You cannot let that man drive you away.
Don't give him that.
Look, I get it.
I got myself into a bad situation with her dad.
I lost all connection to my friends and my family
and myself.
I was so stuck.
But then, uh...
...some random comes and takes an interest.
Someone was watching.
Someone did something to help us.
And, so, I'm doing the same for you by telling you this.
Bad dads don't always get to win.
But if you run away and desert your friends when they need you,
well, you're only proving him right.
(WHISPERS) I need to go to the toilet.
We need to go find the toilet.
(CHUCKLES)
It seems to me like you've got a lot of people who want to know you're OK.
ED: (ON VOICEMAIL) Auds, the thing I wanted to tell you?
I got another card.
After Milla died.
Ace of Hearts.
You're on it, with Marv and Ritchie.
Because you're the three people I love most in the world.
But I need you to tell me what it is you want, Audrey.
What it is you need
from me.
So, I'm here.
Sprinkler Man!
What?!
What?
Are you sure? That's Sprinkler Man.
He's the random who helped us.
(CHUCKLES)
If you've got Sprinkler Man on your side,
why the hell are you running away?
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
ANNOUNCER: Thanks for your patience, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh! Service will resume shortly.
(ELECTRICITY BUZZES)
(BIRDS TWITTER)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(DOG BARKS)
(WHINES)
(GROANS)
Audrey.
No. Auds, wait.
Oh, just go back to Ritchie, Ed.
What? No. No, no, it's not like that with me and Ritchie. Are you joking?
No, she went off her meds, OK?
And her parents, they don't get it.
Where have you been?
I got on a train, Ed, and I wasn't coming back.
And then I got your message.
Which one? I left a few.
The one about me being on the heart card.
And how you wanted me to tell you what it is that I want.
From you.
And what is it that you want?
I don't want to keep running away.
(RITCHIE CLEARS THROAT)
Um... Ed?
Shit.
Hey, Ritchie. Um... Audrey and I were just in the middle of something.
Hey, Ritch.
I am so, so sorry.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Marv called.
They locked him up.
He's still there.
He was crying, Ed.
Hey, Marv.
Hey, you guys.
What happened?
(PUFFS) Why'd they keep you in overnight?
Uh... Oh, I was about to go home with my dad,
but then big boss-man came down.
He said that Don King called and he was concerned for his safety.
Come on, son, bail's been sorted.
I called Suzanne.
She said I'm not allowed to see Melinda again.
Having no dad is better than seeing your dad in jail.
She's right.
I love you guys.
I want to make a statement.
Now.
(PUFFS)
How does a glorified furniture salesman
get to have so much power in this town?
He's not even a real king.
He's a sofa king.
(MARV YELLS ON VIDEO)
No wonder he didn't want to send the tapes over.
MARV: (ON VIDEO) You're the worst dad in the world!
AUDREY: (ON VIDEO) Stop it!
(QUIETLY) Ritch, what are you doing?
Marv, stop it!
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
Bad dad! Bad dad! (RITCHIE CHORTLES)
Yeah, OK. Yeah, it's funny.
And Don King looks like a dick, but Marv still hit him at the end.
It won't help us.
Argh!
Come on, run.
It's a bad idea, Ed. Why is it bad?
All you have to do is get his DNA, a few hairs,
send his off with yours, get a report,
it'll come back, says he's your dad, bad PR.
It doesn't change the fact that Marv hit him.
(PHONE BUZZES) But Don King won't wanna go to court
if he knows he's gonna be exposed as a liar.
Look, Hal said we are not allowed to go within 10 kays of him,
understood?
Well, then are we just gonna give up on Marv?
No, that's not... Sorry. Um... I've gotta go.
I'm not giving up on Marv. It's just...
...my parents texted me
and they're gonna escort me to a mental facility
if I don't go home right now.
OK, I will go with you.
No, I'll go.
Please.
It needs to be me.
After I get a hair sample from you. No.
I will get his, and he won't even... No.
He won't even know. Ed, don't even think about it.
So this is what an intervention looks like.
I've always wondered.
If this is about Ritchie attacking me yesterday at Sledge,
I just want to say that everything she said was true.
And I 100% deserved the sledging that I got.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
I never stood up for her when she needed me to.
And...
...I never told anyone about my part in what happened because...
...because I didn't want to get in trouble
and for my dad to hear about it and think I was bad
and have yet another excuse not to meet me.
So, I let Ritchie take the fall.
For everything.
And I am so... so sorry.
(SNIFFLES)
So, please, please, don't lock up my friend.
(LAUGHS)
Nobody's locking anybody up, Audrey.
God, your generation's dramatic.
Thank you for your words
and for standing up for Ritchie now.
Only nine years too late.
Yeah, well I think we owe you an apology too, Ritchie.
Yeah, we do.
Thank you, dad.
Um...
Since we're all sharing.
Dr Nadel...
...I don't want you to be my psych anymore.
I think I need someone more age-appropriate. No offence.
Mum, Dad,
I love you,
but, to do what I need to do for my own mental health,
I can't do that under your roof.
So, I'm moving in with Ed.
(TRAIN CHUGS)
You know, all I ever wanted was just one nice interaction with my dad.
Nothing big. (CHUCKLES DRYLY)
Maybe a response to all the school photos Mum sent.
But, no, you just sent them back without a word.
Who does that?
I was a kid.
And I am not your dad...
Yes, you are.
Believe me, I'm not the only guy
...your mum slept with back then. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, stop!
We had a DNA test done years ago to prove it,
and I know you've seen the report.
The only reason my mum didn't take you to court for child support
is 'cause she didn't want to look desperate.
She's got way too much pride for that.
So, you're here to blackmail me?
No.
I'm here to make a deal.
Look, I know you don't want to be my dad.
But my friend Marv's got a little girl too,
and, you know, all he's ever wanted
is a chance to be in her life, to be a father to her.
And because of this charge over a stupid fucking pillow fight
you're going to take that chance away from him.
And you and I both know why you're doing it.
It's to get back at me.
You already broke me.
You've won.
'Cause I am a pathetic, unhappy, unlovable fuck-up
who hurts the people she loves
and runs away from anyone good or kind
before they get a chance to reject me the way you have.
If you drop this charge against my friend,
I'll stop trying to get your attention.
I will. I'll stop trying to contact you.
I give you my word. I will put it in writing if you want.
Whatever you want.
Do we have a deal?
Daddy, are you coming?
I'm coming, sweet pea.
(SCREAMS ON VIDEO) Stop!
MARV: (ON VIDEO) Bad dad! Bad dad!
Argh!
(INDISTINCT YELLING ON VIDEO)
Oh. You're here.
(INDISTINCT YELLING ON VIDEO)
Um...
What are you doing?
(COMICAL SOUND EFFECTS ON VIDEO)
I added some effects. Posted to a few sites.
People need to know the truth about Don King.
(COMICAL SOUND EFFECTS ON VIDEO)
He's a bad dad.
TERENCE: Yoo-hoo!
So, how's the eulogy coming along?
Oh.
That good?
Well, I've just been busy. I've been working on the heart card.
Well, you got any ticks?
Hello, Father.
Afternoon.
(SNIFFS) Mm!
Interesting.
Thought it would have been Audrey moving in.
I've come as I need a photo of Milla for the order of service.
I thought there might be some in her boxes.
OK.
No, no, no, you sit and write.
Ritchie and I can find the photos.
It's tomorrow, Ed.
Mm-hm.
Oh, isn't she beautiful?
Oh, my God. (GASPS)
Naw!
(CHUCKLES) One with you, Jimmy.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
(PHONE LINE RINGS)
(PHONE BUZZES)
I sent you a link to a video, and I...I want you to watch it.
Ed, seriously, I can't do this. Just look at the link.
Please. Just one look and then I promise I will leave you alone.
(SIGHS)
Bad dad! Bad dad! Bad dad! Bad dad! (COMICAL SOUND EFFECTS)
Bad dad! Bad dad! Bad dad!
(MELINDA SQUEALS)
(LAUGHS)
Again! Again! Play it again!
(LAUGHS)
Thanks. My daughter is never gonna sleep now.
(CHUCKLES) Um... Yeah, sorry.
Um... I just wanted you to see it. (LAUGHS) Play it again!
OK, Marv is not a bad dad.
OK, he wants to be a good one.
(MELINDA SQUEALS)
(SIGHS)
(ORGAN PLAYS SOLEMN MELODY)
You ready?
I'd now like to introduce someone
who had a very special bond with our Milla,
a true meeting of souls.
Mr Ed Kennedy.
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Um...
I...
Sorry. (CLEARS THROAT)
Hello there.
Thanks for being here.
It's quite the turnout, eh?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
I have been so terrified to do this today, because, um...
...at my dad's funeral,
when it came to this bit, I choked.
I never did get to say the words I'd written for him.
And it was just simple stuff.
Like that you were a true gentleman
who never had a bad word to say about anyone.
You were always kind.
And despite being shit at money and with marriage...
...you were my dad.
And you were a good one.
And I loved you.
But I know he's not here. Um...
This is Milla's day.
But, you know, I bet if they had met in real life, Milla and Dad,
they would have been great mates. (CHUCKLES)
'Cause they were the same, you know, they were just... big romantics.
And that's how Milla lived her life, you know. She lived for love.
Grand, crazy, romantic love for her Jimmy.
And I think... I think that's why I was sent to Milla, actually,
to learn about love.
And I WAS sent to her.
She called a cab, but not because she wanted to go anywhere
but because she just wanted a chat and a cup of tea with her Jimmy.
And when I walked through those doors,
you know, she called me by his name, and that's who I became,
and, you know, you think it'd be weird, but, like... it wasn't.
And we would... Oh, we would talk for hours
and we would reminisce about the old times and we'd dance and we'd laugh,
and I liked being her Jimmy
because, unlike me, he always seemed to know what to say.
And I think Milla did that, you know?
She brought out the best in people.
But love is complicated,
and, um...
...Milla only ever had stolen moments with her real Jimmy
because he had another life with a wife and kids.
And now, before you get all judgey, OK,
she never asked him to give them up for her because...
...because...
...I think...
Because I think she never quite believed
she deserved to be number one in Jimmy's heart.
Or anyone's heart, for that matter.
She never thought she was quite enough.
And, uh...
And, if she were here today...
...I would want her to know that she was never second best.
No, not with me.
And, um...
...I would say to her
that "You think you're broken and unlovable...
"..but you are the first in my heart
and in my life."
And you say you run from anyone who's kind to you or who truly knows you
because you're scared of rejection.
But you may run, but you come back.
And I know you.
I know you better than anyone.
And there is nothing that you could do or say
that'd make me stop loving you.
(QUIETLY) Go, Milla.
(WHIMPERS)
Yours is the face I think of when I lie in bed alone at night
and it's the first one I want to see when I wake up.
RITCHIE: Oh, Ed.
And you have the most beautiful eyes.
And 22 freckles across your nose and cheeks.
And, yes, yeah, I counted them.
And those lips...
...that I always wanted to kiss.
(WOMAN GASPS) TERENCE: Oh.
And, for the record, when I did kiss you,
it was never a hate-kiss like you said.
No, I kissed you...
I...
I kissed you out of love.
You are the bravest person that I know
and you're the smartest and you're the funniest too.
And if this was the last day of my life
I'd want you to know that it's always been you.
(BOTH GASP)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Mm!
RITCHIE: Finally.
(MARV LAUGHS)
(RITCHIE LAUGHS)
(STRUMS GUITAR)
(SINGS) # It had to be you... ♪
Come on, join if you know it!
♪ It had to be you
♪ I wandered around
♪ Finally found
♪ Somebody who
♪ Could make me be true
♪ Could make feel blue
♪ Or even be glad
♪ Just to be sad
♪ Thinking of you
ALL: # Some others I've seen
♪ Might never be mean
♪ Might never be cross
♪ Or try to be boss
♪ But they wouldn't do
♪ 'Cause nobody else gave me a thrill... ♪
You kissed Ed.
Ed!
(LAUGHS)
Come here, you crazy girl.
You know, Ed, I've been thinking
we ought to have you declared some kind of saint.
(LAUGHS) Are you having a brain aneurism, Father?
Not that I know of.
You may scoff, but I'm serious.
Why?
Why would you say that?
'Cause, Ed, if a guy like you
can stand up and do what you did,
not just today,
then maybe,
maybe,
we can all live beyond what we think we're capable of.
We were the ones who...
Hm?
The only reason why they pashed is 'cause WE hooked up, OK?
We... Stop, Marv,
and turn around.
You're a bad dad!
(SQUEALS)
Hey!
It's her favourite video.
Bad dad! Bad dad! Bad dad! (COMICAL SOUND EFFECTS)
You look like a total badarse.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do, eh?
(CHUCKLES)
You can see her Wednesdays
and every second Sunday.
But Wednesday night's card night.
So?
So... So?
So... cool.
Cool? Yeah. Cool.
Cool, yeah. Yep.
Because I am gonna teach you how to play cards.
You wanna play cards? No. No.
Yeah! Yeah.
No. You're not.
(LAUGHS) We're gonna play cards. Come on!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
It's the last card! (LAUGHS)
It's over.
Well...
...there is one thing left to do.
What?
We have to have sex.
Hang on. Like, now?
What, you don't want to have sex with me?
No, I do. I absolutely do. (LAUGHS)
Um... No, Auds, I just want... There's something you need to know.
Um... I'm not so good at sex.
That's OK. I am.
(LAUGHS)
Wait for it.
Wait.
"Bad dad"? Is that you?
You, isn't it? Oh, God! Oh, do the face!
Do the face, please. Yeah, just take a photo.
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) Yeah, what's up?! What's up man?!
Thank you so much. No worries.
Hey, have a good one, guys. Thank you. Have a good one.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, gotta make time for fans, right?
Oh, Marv. You know you're a GIF now, right?
Hey, I'm not just a GIF. I'm more of a local celebrity, OK?
And don't forget it.
(MACHINE BLEEPS)
Hey. Look. Is that who I think it is?
Oh, my God.
Maybe he's already out of jail.
Or, well, maybe he broke out.
Go on. Aren't you curious? Go talk to him.
Ed. Don't let him get away.
Go, go, go, go. Hey. Hey. Hey, robber guy.
Hurry up. Hey, uh.. Sorry.
Sorry, not cutting in. Sorry, not cutting in.
MAN: Oi! Seriously, I'm not cutting in.
Hey! Hey!
What?
I knew it.
(LAUGHS)
I knew it!
Ed?
Is that another card?
(WHOOSHING)
(HEARTBEAT POUNDS SOFTLY)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation