This programme contains strong language
DEEP BREATHING
Rachel?
Rachel? Wake up!
What? What? What is it? School?
There is no school. That and everything else has gone.
The Lord has begun his Great War of Armageddon.
The old system is done. We have to get to the woods NOW.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh!
It's OK. It's OK, Rachel. Calm down.
Pack your bags and get down the stairs
before your soul turns to ash.
GO!
HE RINGS BELLS
Pack your things, Aaron, the end time is here.
Finally.
Which wedding photo, Fiona? Portrait or kiss?
The kiss is more lively and vital. But...
CAT MEOWS Can you help me save Gideon, David?
We should prioritise living things.
Loud and clear. Kiss it is.
Come on, Rachel. Your neighbours are being swallowed into the pit.
Go. Quick, quick. Thank you.
Please, God, deliver us from evil...
Rachel, God's not going to answer your prayers right now. He's busy lighting up heathens.
I'm asking him for salvation!
I pray that Rachel gets all her just deserts in the afterlife.
Aaron, I don't need your pity to get into paradise.
I didn't ask for you to get into paradise.
I asked for your just deserts.
We're going to meet the congregation at the top of Blakely Pike.
There we'll pray, shelter,
and eventually bury the corpses of the sinful dead.
It's going to be very special. RACHEL WHIMPERS
Make haste. The stars are literally falling from the sky.
Is God going to let me survive?
I couldn't say. Who can fathom the mysteries of the creator?
I'll give you about 50-50.
No! Please! Please!
Probably a sinner fleeing the hellfire.
They'll be struck down before he reaches Stockport.
God help us all.
THUNDERCLAPS
Can I have some food?
No. You get biscuits after the moon's turned to blood.
No-one's here.
Did we make it? DID WE MAKE IT?
Two hours 19.
Not bad for a practice run.
What?!
The planet is safe for now.
Let all that worry pour out of you.
See, Rachel, those biscuits would have been a waste.
I'm sure he's just relieved.
LET IT EEEEEEND!
# Some folks say the Bible is not true... #
Unbelievable. We were three shipments behind.
You've saved us in one morning.
How are you so fast?
Not fast. You're slow.
Unbearably slow.
David, for most of us, being a Go Parcel sorting agent is a job.
For you, it feels like more of a calling.
How's about going full time? You've changed our lives. We just think you're...
OK, I'm going to stop you there, Sid. I'm here to pay the bills
so my family can serve God.
That's it. In fact, you should prep for my departure
because on Sunday, the order is promoting me to elder.
I don't know what that means.
Well, it means I'll be a full-time spiritual shepherd,
and my stipend could be, no exaggeration,
up to 75% of what you pay me now.
So, I can't convince you to stay? You sure?
Sure as I am this package will make it to Macclesfield.
# ..Oh, yes, yes, yes, I believe. #
BELL RINGS
Sorry.
Dad got me up at 4am to do apocalypse practice.
Mm. I'm not going to ask what that is.
B minus. Would have been higher, but I reserve As for students
who remain conscious.
You do want to get into uni, right?
Got a lot of goodwill riding on it and some real money.
I can squeeze in 30 minutes of revision
between preaching and bedtime.
If I skip dinner.
OK, you can nap here over lunch, but FYI, I've just had a bad
break-up, so I will be doing some aggressive marking.
What's aggressive marking?
HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS
Mm.
Hug the rim, Rachel.
My locks need their edges to be straight.
Can you not just go to a hairdresser?
And miss the consistency of the bowl?
No. This is your duty.
Fiona did my scissor work for years before you came of age.
I won't go back, Rachel.
TV: God doesn't judge you...
I should be in paradise right now.
This suburb should be a crater.
The real apocalypse will come soon enough, Aaron.
It better.
David, when are we replacing the TV?
It's nice to have background noise
that isn't Aaron's pencils or you chewing.
I don't know if we should replace it. It broke in an act of God.
You poured a jug of water on it.
There were people kissing on there with tongues.
The Lord guided my hand.
Hmm. I really want the TV back.
It's decided. To hang in its place,
Aaron's sketching a drawing of us all in paradise. Right, Aaron?
After this morning, there may be some creative changes.
Rachel, what are your eyes like when you're scared?
What?
That's it. That's the look.
Right, now that I look the part, it's church time.
Last meeting before they promote me to elder.
Are you sure they're promoting you?
I've staked my happiness on it, Fiona.
So, yes.
Oh, greetings. Good morning.
Oh, Andrew's on greeting duty.
Godsh, he's very blessed in his suit choices, isn't he?
To pull off such a light pastel blue.
Oh, the Lewises! Greetings!
Hello, little man.
I'm sure I looked just as good when I was his age.
He's two years older than you, sweetie.
Rachel, go reserve us our own row.
Can't have Andrew sat next to me when I'm absorbing God's word.
Look at him with Aaron.
Man has no ability with kids.
THEY LAUGH Yeah!Yeah!
Be respectful, David.
He's still recovering from his wife's death.
I know, Fiona. He won't let us forget it.
Ah! Our secret handshake has grown to 17 steps now.
High five, Aaron?
No, thanks, Dad.
Shall we head in together?
How about you head in and we'll follow after a long gap?
Oh, David, you crack me up!
Andrew's so great.
Shut up, Aaron.
QUIET CHATTER #S
And that little boy, he said to me, he turned and he asked,
"What's that sound?"
And I looked at him and I said...
.."That's the sound of Satan's hooves,
"clip-clopping on your driveway."
CROWD MURMURS
Amen.
Great storyteller!
ANDREW LAUGHS
One job, Rachel.
I gave you one job.
Now, I have some rather grave news to conclude with.
The Jay family are no longer ordinands of God.
They've been excluded.
I can't go into what they did,
but a reminder that drug dealing is a mortal sin.
CROWD GASPS
And we do consider coffee a drug.
There is only one way now for us to extend our love to them,
and that is to shun them completely.
CROWD MURMURS AGREEMENT
Thank you.
First excluded in five years.
There were warning signs. Their daughter has dyed pink hair.
SHE WHISPERS: That's the Cooks, David.
They're sat right behind us.
Good morning.
Do you feel bad for the Jays?
They knew what they were doing when they opened that cafe, Rachel.
Can I have everyone's attention, please?
We have a new resident who's moved to the area and has requested a visit.
Which ordinand lives near Blakely Road?
BOTH: I do!
Elder, I think Andrew is just confused or stupid or something.
I live closer to Blakely Road.
David and I are neighbours.
He lives on the far side of the cul-de-sac.
He might as well be in Gaza.
Well, if it is contentious, I could pray for guidance.
When? I don't want God getting a bias for you before I pray to him.
God sees all of time, David. Hmm.
Don't do it before 8pm.
The Elders will resolve this.
Well, I'll be happy either way. I'll be happy one way.
I'm the most deserving.
My family does more preaching than the entire congregation.
That's not true, is it, David?
Well, the week's not over yet.
In fact, Rachel,
didn't you say you wanted to do some preaching today?
I really need to study, Dad.
Two hours studying, or saving a soul for all eternity?
Go!
MUSIC: Peace on Earth by Coleman Family
# I've been reading Revelations About things to be
# Where John was writing down the things he'd seen
# He wrote of a place that you put down sin
# With thanks to God when you live again
# Cos it's going to be peace... #
INTERCOM RINGS
ON INTERCOM: Hello? Hi. Would you like to hear about God?
No.
INTERCOM RINGS
Would you like to talk about God?
Get lost!
INTERCOM RINGS
Hello? DOG BARKS
Hello. I was wondering if you'd like to talk about God.
Oh, fuck off, nun.
INTERCOM RINGS
Hi, would you like to talk to me about God?
God. God. God. God. God.
Sure. Come on up.
Wait. Really?
Eighth floor.
INTERCOM BUZZES
# God is now setting up his church
# Teaching his saints what they should know
# For the mission is the kingdom where they shall go
# Cos it's gonna be peace
# Peace right here on Earth
# For God is now setting up his church. #
You want to talk about God?
Mm-hm.
Uh, are your parents home?
It's just me.
OK, well, you're a man of marriageable age,
so we'll at least need my mum on speakerphone.
Her number is 0161...
I'm Joshua.
Like Moses's friend in the Bible, if that reassures you.
You're being sarcastic, but, yes, it does.
So the narrow path leads to salvation,
which is the righteous path to heaven.
But the wider path...
Do you guys ever just have fun?
No music, no films.
It's like you live in North Korea,
but at least they get to watch parades.
I have tonnes of fun.
OK, what's your favourite song?
You're trying not to think of a hymn, aren't you?
Do you want a nibble? No. No, thank you.
I'll...I'll have fun when I'm ready for it.
I'm applying to uni.
Uni? Pretty liberal.
Your parents aren't worried you'll OD on ketamine
and realise you're bi?
I don't know what those things are.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
I've got something for you.
Unsolicited Order magazines. I'm returning them,
including the one you rammed underneath my wiper blade
whilst graphically describing what it would feel like to melt.
I wanted to make clear it wouldn't be a quick death.
Melissa, you have to understand,
we believe millions will perish unless we personally save them.
But you're so needy about it.
If you keep giving me these, I'm welding shut my letterbox
or buying a violent dog.
Right. The new TV calls. You should try it, Fiona.
It's good for relaxing,
or distracting yourself from an overbearing life partner.
Well, Fiona wouldn't know about that
because I destroyed our TV and refused to replace it.
Ha!
So you have five dog leads and no dog?
Yeah, I abduct dogs and keep their leashes as trophies.
That was a bad joke.
I work as a dog walker.
One of them's a show dog.
Right. He has more money than me.
So could I put you down for a repeat visit?
Sure.
Maybe then you'll have some better jokes.
And any questions or clarifications from your visit today?
Yeah.
What do you think about excluded members?
Oh, I don't think about them.
But do you think it's right to shun them or, like...
..cut them out forever?
Well, I'm sure anyone cruel enough to commit a mortal sin
wouldn't be very nice company.
Do you think I'm bad company?
What?
I used to be in the Order, in the Prestwich chapter.
No, no, no, no.
Wait! Wait a sec.
Why did you even invite me inside?!
I could be exiled for even speaking to you.
How many friends do you think I've got?
The closest thing I get is my mum occasionally crying on the intercom.
You don't even know what I've done! And I don't want to.
DOOR SLAMS
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Mrs Lewis, I'm Rachel's teacher.
I was just in town and the uni flyered me for their open day.
I thought Rachel might want to know.
So you came to our house on your weekend?
Well, I've just had a break-up, so lots of free time.
Plus, my betting shop banned me online and in person.
Anyway, I don't want to overshare.
I think you already have.
I guess we've got different boundaries.
What makes you think Rachel wants to go to university?
Well, her face lights up when we talk about it.
So you have no proof?
Will you pass this on to her?
Sure.
Let's swap.
Great. I'll call Rachel now. Bye now.
David!
Our daughter's on the brink of moral hazards.
Let's talk to her tomorrow after church.
Once I'm elder, the David fear factor will increase tenfold.
DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS
Sure.
Rachel.
Good ministry? Nothing happened.
Where's your preaching bag?
I must have left it at church.
I'm sorry, Mum.
I'm so, so sorry.
University.
The guilt's already weighing on her soul.
Mm.
Got it. Thanks, David.
Normally I'd say you can't dress like that, David,
but we need you more than you need us.
It's promotion day, Sid.
When Andrew sees these lapels, he'll know who the alpha is.
David, I wanted to say, I know you're a hero in your community.
You speak the truth.
But this is our promotion offer.
Senior title, better wages.
I always wondered if you'd be my Lucifer, Sid.
It's a no.
This world of click and drop packages, fishing licenses...
We do those? We do.
It's your world, not mine.
So you can keep your envelope
and the assistant manager badge within. How did you know...?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to grasp my destiny.
Goodbye, Sidders.
So let that be a reminder.
Cover your mouth when you yawn.
Cos that's how the devil gets in.
CROWD MURMURS AGREEMENT
Now, to conclude our service,
I have an announcement that I know some of you have been waiting for
for a very long time.
Oh, here it comes. Listen to this.
The rear blocked toilet,
which has been out of action for so long...
..is now operational again.
APPLAUSE
Is that what you meant, Dad?
No.
I mean, that is huge, but...
Blessings be. Blessings be.
Samson, you didn't announce the new elder.
Is it delayed, or were you going to tell me in private?
Oh, no. No announcements today.
Well, when will there be?
Because if, say, I was already an elder,
but it just hadn't been announced,
I wouldn't want people mistitling me. That would be rude of them.
I do have some news for you. Yes?
I spoke to the other elders... Yes?
And we've decided that you should have sole ministering rights
for Mr Johnson.
The guy Andrew tried to steal? He's mine?
Well, I wouldn't say he was yours.
You'll be his spiritual shepherd.
All mine. Great.
Where's Andrew? I think he left.
Is he aware of the new arrangement?
I've got to go.
Andrew!
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC ON RADIO Let the trumpets ring out.
Let everyone know my noise.
David, if you don't stop revving, you're going to break the clutch.
We're sallying forth, Fiona, on a quest to catch the interloper.
If need be, we'll sweep the entire city until we find that he's there.
Oh! There he is.
I don't believe it. That's the guy!
Andrew's already buttering up my flock.
Well, can you at least get out to confront him
instead of shouting through the window? Oi, Andrew!
Andrew, what are you doing?
He's betrayed me in front of the Romans,
and I didn't even get a kiss.
Brother Lewis, I was just telling Mr Johnson here
that you'll be looking after him from now on.
Really? I thought it made sense, given my new responsibilities.
Your new...what?
I'm an elder now.
DAVID SCOFFS
There is no new elder, Andrew. They didn't announce anyone.
I asked them not to announce me. I didn't want the extra attention.
And it turns out a lot of the congregation
already thought I was an elder, so it won't be too different.
Blessings, Lewises.
David, if you're going to scream,
you should do it in a pillow at home.
It's better for the kids.
David, when do you think you can come?
My girlfriend just broke up with me, so I need someone to talk to.
Soon. Tomorrow, or...? Soon!
ENGINE TURNS OVER REPEATEDLY
Please get our broken car moved, David.
You blocked the church car park.
Elder Shem says if it's not gone by Monday, he'll run it.
No? I didn't catch that.
I'm still thinking about Andrew's coup.
Not so fast, Rachel.
There's something we need to discuss.
Your teacher sent me your report.
Did I not do well?
Maths,
A.
English, A.
Science, A.
They're all A.
Rachel, this is disturbing.
It's deeply disturbing.
How much preaching time did you waste revising?
Most parents would be pleased
that their daughter's doing so well in school.
Most parents will be dead forever.
Straight As, five out of five for effort.
Where did we go wrong?
And then there's the matter of your propagandist teacher.
I was a smart girl, Rachel.
I could have gone to uni.
But I chose to raise this family.
Imagine what would have happened if I strayed from the path.
We might never have met.
Yes.
Yes, indeed.
It's warning signs like this that force me to act.
Why do you think I dragged you up that hill?
Cos you want to be elder. No.
I don't...covet promotion!
And to make that very clear,
we're doing another apocalypse practice tonight.
David, please don't make us stay awake just so you can save face.
I won't do it to save face.
I'll do it because it was always the plan.
This was today!
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't the serpent tell Eve about the apple?
Oh, wait, he did,
and now women have to give birth and serpents have no legs.
DOG BARKS
Hey! What are you doing on my road?
What are you doing on my preordained dog walking route?
Your bag had your address on it, so I figured you'd want it back,
so you can destroy any evidence of us meeting.
Oh. It's a good bag.
Mine has dog treats, now.
God's word has given way to bacon dust.
FYI, I walk this route on weeknights at 7pm.
Just letting you know, so you can steer clear.
Yes, Aaron!
This is why you're getting an early baptism
instead of waiting like the common chaff.
A vision of paradise from our very own master artist.
The whole family laughing and...
Huh.
Am I in some kind of Jacuzzi?
It's boiling tar, Dad.
For your misdeeds.
Is this about apocalypse practice?
You raise my hopes only to dash them,
so you go to the tar pits.
Well, at least Rachel's smiling.
Mad, after aeons of agony, Mum.
I'm going to speak to next door.
In your vision of hell,
can we atone and ascend to heaven?
Hmm.
# Something tells me something's going to happen tonight... #
DOORBELL RINGS
# I read in the papers that Gemini people will make it tonight. #
Melissa, I wanted to apologise for inconveniencing you.
I'd love to wipe the slate clean...
What do you want?
Can I come and watch TV? My family are being unbearable.
Makes sense. Come in.
# Everything that we've been dreaming of
# Something tells me something's gonna happen to you
# The smile on my face is the smile... #
Rouse yourselves! BELL RINGS
Smoke is rising from the pit!
Awaken. No, Dad, please!
Rise up. Rise up.
God's holy terror is nigh.
Deceiver! A second deception!
Just...pack your bags.
# Oh, I woke up this morning
# With sunshine through my window
# Everything that's happened,
# So far has turned out right
# And I got every reason
# To feel it's getting better
# It's getting better every minute
# Wait until we meet tonight. #
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