How was your first day at the care home?
Amazing. I got to feed pureed casserole to an old man
with chewing difficulties. You know that feeling when you help someone?
Help someone swallow a casserole?
No, I don't. And I don't think I want to.
How are you getting home?
Just a tram, then a bus...then another tram,
but I'm happy to avail myself of Oldham's transport system.
It's extremely reliab... MUFFLED PA ANNOUNCEMENT
Oh, no, you didn't finish your sentence on the Greater Manchester Tram Network.
Might be the most boring cliffhanger ever.
All trams are cancelled.
I meant it when I said I could give you a lift.
And I meant it when I said,
"Thanks, but sharing a vehicle would be inappropriate."
Well, enjoy your four-hour walk home. It's the appropriate choice.
CHORAL SINGING
David! You came back.
Sometimes suffering brings growth.
Job was afflicted with skin sores, Jonah was eaten by a whale,
I... BEEP
..work in this delivery office.
I'm just so grateful that you're here.
Well, if you really want to thank me,
explain why this is in the medium pile when it's clearly under 500g.
Are you sure?
It's 495g, Sid. It's painful to me you can't see that.
BEEP Huh, close.
Nice to see even you can get a bit rusty!
HE BLOWS
BEEP
If the police stop us, promise you'll say you're not a kidnapping victim?
Joshua, don't make this weird.
I'm the one making this weird?
I'm not ashamed to be with you.
I'm ashamed to be seen with you.
Nothing offensive there.
Speedbump.
Oh! Sorry.
You got much on this week?
Well, it's my birth date on Friday, so...no.
Rachel, birthday.
In the real world, we say birthday.
No, birthdays are debauched.
Sure, it might look fun to have...
..presents and cake and loved ones, but...
Were you building to a point there?
On Friday, I will celebrate the right way.
By not celebrating.
And since I'm coming of age, I get to go to Abijah's special sermon.
Abijah's a special sermon?
It's a talk on relationships and courtship and...
Sex. Relationships and courtship.
Got you.
Well, if you're free Friday, you could always come to mine.
Unless not celebrating's going to take up your whole day.
Let me know.
WHIRRING, BEEP
Ah, wonderful.
Still working away, I see,
on your business. Mm-hm.
And that random power cut didn't break your flow?
You didn't interpret that as a sign from God to stop?
David, are you so scared of being direct with me
you'd rather trip the fuse box than tell me how you feel?
No! We just have a dodgy fuse box.
And the fact the kettle reliably trips it,
that hadn't crossed my mind. PHONE BEEPS
However, since I'm here...
Melissa's coming to look at stock tomorrow. David, if you want more
of my attention, how about you ask for it instead of holding me ransom to power outages?
I'm going to make a peppermint tea.
Oh, no! Did that get you?
I switched to the emergency power bank.
The one you got for the apocalypse.
So glad I bought that.
Thanks so much for approving this, Elder.
I can't wait to stir these young hearts.
Oh, I was against this, Abijah. Don't thank me.
Thank the 6-5 majority that voted me down.
You're not going to stay, are you, Dad?
Obviously not. It's a teenage sex education talk.
Why would I... Take a seat, please, girls.
This isn't just about intercourse, but how to make your relationships
rock solid when they might otherwise drift apart.
Maybe I'll stick around, make sure it's all above board.
First slide, please.
Uh-oh! HE CHUCKLES
Dream catcher.
Sacrilegious.
Cherub-themed candle holder.
Gaudy.
"Bread Of Life" chopping board.
Sacrilegious and gaudy.
Wait. These are like purity rings.
I could sell these to Order girls.
Don't know how I feel about burdening a whole wave of young women with sexual shame.
I could buy them for �2, sell them for eight.
Fuck yeah, do it. That's a 400% mark-up.
Yeah. My principles die in the low 80s.
Did you never think about kids?
Nah.
If I had kids, I'd just end up resenting 'em,
and they'd resent me.
And then years later, I'd find out they'd gone on some kind of spree.
There are no good sprees, Fiona.
It's easy to raise kids in the Order.
Our Elders are masterful educators.
Boys -
gross! Right?
Well, not according to God.
Interesting quotation there.
Buy myrrh...
Communion with the opposite sex is natural.
And if you need proof, check out this babe magnet.
HE CHUCKLES
In case you were wondering what Elder Samson got up to when he was still with the Prestwich chapter!
Those are my sisters. Only joking, Elder.
Hannah passed away last year.
Next slide, please.
But it's not just about finding a boy.
It's about finding the boy,
the one to share your first time with.
And by first time, he means kiss.
And by kiss, he means on the lips.
In case any of you are getting any ideas.
I have a question on behalf of my daughter.
Dad! If your partner's too busy with work, what should you do?
Well, you could try to respect her work.
Yeah. Keep going.
Why not make time for each other by planning an exciting date?
Obviously, the dating ideas from slide four are geared more towards teenagers.
Email me slide four.
I have a question.
Are there any other ways I can safeguard my virtue?
Well, girls, I'm going to go against the grain a little here
and say that now is the time for discovery.
Dating is just your journey to the one,
so let's open those minds.
OK, I'm shutting this down now. Remove yourself.
Apologies for that, girls.
So, the real take-aways from this are sex is for marriage,
dating is for marriage, and marriage is to be kept within the Order.
Non-Order members are your enemies, both personally and sexually.
Now, I'm going to pair you all up for ministry.
Hopefully an afternoon of preaching
will scour your brains of everything Abijah has just said.
Sister Lewis, you'll be with Sister Angeli.
Sister Edna, you'll be with Sister Clough. Dad, can we go?
I don't want to get paired with anyone intense.
Calm yourself, Rachel.
I'm sure this Sister Angeli is just as laid back as I am.
Hey, Sister, how long can you preach for?
I've got nowhere to be and boundless energy!
See?
Is this right?
We've fallen off my preaching map
and gone into the blank space around it.
Oh, my.
Would you say we're very far from the Order Church, Sister?
Yeah.
Great.
Hold.
God, I hate buckles.
It's Julia, by the way, not Sister Angeli.
And I'm fucking hungry.
# There's a light in my life
# Shining over me
# There's a light in my life #
# Shining over me... #
Should we be in here?
They've got magazines with foil on the cover.
This is disturbing.
It is disturbing - the idea you'd buy those
when there's porn online for free.
And the pictures move.
Here. This is for me.
That way I can eat one bar, claim there's summat wrong with the other,
still get a full refund.
Basically been recycling my 65p for...
Pfft. Half a year?
I should leave.
Hey, hey, hey. I'm not the Antichrist.
He'd be more subtle. Just honest.
Jesus rewards honesty.
With Mars bars.
Well, can I have the other half?
Oh, Rachel.
No.
# Shining over me. #
My love, I've returned to make your day that little bit brighter.
You're literally blocking out my light.
So, I've been thinking, we haven't been on a date in a while.
Not since...
Well, not since we were paired together for our marriage meal with Elder Raab.
David, he chaperoned us the whole time.
You put your hand on my knee and he accused you of "infidelitas."
I don't think that qualifies as a date.
The only date I've been on
is when the Elders nearly paired me with Andrew 18 years ago.
Well, let's move away from the more loathsome corners of history
and focus on the present.
What better way to celebrate our 18 years together
than with our...well, our first date?
Abijah's had some ideas.
I've eliminated skatepark and Laser Quest,
but we could go to a silent disco.
Before you say it's too raucous,
remember, we don't have to put the headphones on.
How about we go to that noodle bar on Well Street?
Cuisine from Japan?
Fiona, the furthest I've been from Greater Manchester is Guernsey.
You expect my taste buds to cross whole continents?
David, here's what I really need -
streamlined website, cashless transactions,
and for you to show my work some respect.
Oh, there's that word again.
I respect your work all the time.
For instance...
Fiona, I would like to buy a bag.
I already gave you a bag! You haven't used it once.
Can I ask you to do one practical thing for me?
Anything, Fiona. Wait.
Tell me what it is. I might not want to do it.
Arrange childcare for Aaron. He's on half-term.
And let me process my orders.
Sure, I'm free.
Don't you have a delivery office shift?
Aaron, you're coming to work with me today.
OK, Dad.
Childcare sorted.
You know what Elder Samson said today?
Would you ever date anyone who wasn't in the Order?
I only date people who aren't in the Order.
Have you seen the Order boys?
They've all got names like Jeremiah.
And they only lost about ten seconds. They last ten seconds?
I'll tell you when you're older.
But how do you make it work with the rules?
There's this guy who wants to hang out with me on Friday.
Do what all functional religious people do -
contrive a loophole.
You're not dating. You're...
..bringing him into the faith. So, make peace with that.
Enjoy it.
OK. Right.
Rachel, will you get over here and spin me?
And put your back into it.
I wanna feel the Gs.
This is it, Aaron, my seat of command,
the nexus from which all packages stream.
Cool. Um, David?
David, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you bringing your son here.
OK, Sid, why don't you show me the rule that says I can't make my 12-year-old son work?
Child Labour Act of 1933?
So you're gonna want to start by grabbing a pack...
BEEP
Aaron, your zeal is infectious,
but that's the trolley for out-of-county shipping.
It is out of county. It was in the wrong pile.
How did you know this was a Berkshire postcode?
It just felt right.
Samson's mane!
My seed is strong.
Maybe I will let him stay.
RACHEL: Whilst we talk here,
I'm already stressing about replying to this guy,
and the spinning is making it worse.
Hmm. The more nauseous you get, the more centred I feel.
PHONE RINGS
RACHEL GASPS Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. It's him.
It's him. OK, so answer.
Now, in front of me.
Without peer pressure, you risk making a responsible decision.
Hello? Hello.
Hey! It was fun having you crammed in my footwell yesterday.
Yeah.
Yes. Fun.
So, have you made a decision about Friday?
No pressure or anything. I just wanted to... Um...
Friday, I have Bible study.
Could you move it?
SHE MOUTHS Um...
Maybe.
Cool. I think you know my address.
You ran off from it in a rage like three weeks ago.
She wants to show you her burning bush!
Figured you'd yell something, so I hung up early.
Wait. Why is it burning?
You tell me, Rachel.
You tell me.
I'm wondering if I should get your mother a gift. Mm-hm.
Surcharge sticker.
I could finally give her that recording of my Bible reading.
I've got as far as Exodus. And the energy I brought
to the parting of the Red Sea surprised even me.
Doesn't that sound good?
A gift that lets her hear me at full volume any time at all?
I guess just make sure it's not something...
..possessive. Could get her a bracelet.
OK. And engrave it to say,
"David's. Only David's." Hmm...
I think Mum wants to know that you care about her work.
Why do you think I work here all day completely unappreciated?
David, you're my idol.
I've offered to give you my job multiple times.
Totally thankless.
Just think about it.
Whoa there!
That's not enough postage for a 600g package.
It's 585g, Dad.
Are you sure? Because...
I'm just slowing you down, Aaron.
HE EXHALES
It's a privilege to watch.
Will his parents be there?
No. Nice.
You're definitely going to bang.
What?
I'm exaggerating. You're too uptight for that.
You'll probably just snog each other
long past the point where it's enjoyable.
I can't go. I...
I can't go. I'm going to tell him that I can't skip Bible study.
You're going to skip Bible study,
and I'm going to cover for you.
Really?
You'd do that for me?
Of course. Your relationship stories are already tepid.
Do not take a step back.
Knockety-knock!
It's OK, Fiona. I haven't sabotaged the power on this occasion.
Or any other occasion.
What is it, David?
I bought you something.
David, I'm not sure I want any of your gifts right now.
The last time you gave me something, it was a locket of my hair you'd taken without my knowledge.
Collected from your pillow, Fiona.
I didn't use scissors. That would have crossed a line.
It's a card reader.
I actually need this. I'm...
I'm going to use this.
I'm going to use one of your gifts for the first time.
Come now, what about that feminine shaver I bought you?
For the first time, David. BEEP
Oh, my chastity rings have sold out.
Parents are panicking about Abijah's sex talk.
And I'm taking that panic to the bank.
Do you want to go to the noodle bar?
We could ask Melissa to babysit. Melissa?
An outsider?
An intruder in my sacred grove?
Yes.
Sounds good.
Oh.
You're looking very smart, Aaron.
This is, at best, smart casual. I'm not even wearing a tie.
So, what you want to do? TV?
Ice cream?
Vandalise your dad's stuff? I'm cool with all of that.
I'm going to draw religious imagery.
Yeah?
That fun, is it?
Using my pencils for the glory of God? What could be more fun?
You're a really weird kid, Aaron.
Kinda like you, though.
Thank you, Melissa.
I'm still forming my opinion of you.
My menu is my place mat?
Well, if you wanted to blow my mind, you've succeeded.
I'll have the rice bowl. David?
I feel like I'm on a culinary odyssey.
Tell me, waiter, this so-called ramen, is it noodles or is it soup?
It's noodles in soup.
I'm going to need more time.
And why, pray tell, would I choose to eat seaweed?
KEYPAD BEEPS
INTERCOM RINGS
Come on up. I hope you're ready.
BEEP
SHE KNOCKS Hello?
SOUL MUSIC PLAYS
Hello?
Don't come in. Oh.
Just finishing some stuff.
Why are all the lights dimmed?
To set the mood.
It's a special evening.
Now, traditionally, for this next bit, you need to close your eyes.
Close my eyes?
Yeah.
Are they closed?
Mm-hm.
Stick out your hands.
Come on, this way.
There you go.
HIGH-PITCHED: Look, I'm not ready to bang, OK?
Bang?
Wow. Let's park that red flag for a sec.
SHE GASPS
This is what a week's worth of dog walking buys you.
Helium's pricey, so you'll just have to settle for my lung air.
Now, I know the Order says birthdays are a pagan ritual.
That's fine, because this isn't a birthday cake.
It's just a nondenominational sponge
that happens to have 17 candles and your name on it.
You OK?
You haven't blinked in the last 30 seconds.
Whoa!
Wow.
Aaron, this is amazing.
I love the detail.
Like this guy... David.
So, he's throwing his stone over here,
but on the opposite side, it is hitting this guy in the head.
Goliath. Yeah.
Somebody finally noticed that.
Can you believe my dad thought he was one of the Nephilim?
I mean, that's like mistaking Josiah for the prophet Elijah.
Right.
What do you make of your dad, Aaron?
He finds a lot of things difficult, but he tries.
Yeah.
Cor, that's a good six pack, in't it? It's an eight pack.
SLURPING
This drink is delicious.
That's miso soup, David.
Fiona, you're a cultural queen. How do you know all this stuff?
I googled the menu in advance.
and learnt rudimentary Japanese.
Arigato.
Wow.
You even know the waiter's name.
David, before you start on that...
..dumpling... Mm-hm.
..it was very thoughtful what you got me earlier, so...
You got me a return token of love?
You can just rip it.
It's from my wife. I'm going to savour it.
Might even keep the wrapping paper in one single...
Oh.
Oh, Fiona.
But I'm not really an Elder. They didn't choose me.
But I chose you, David.
All those years ago.
And you'd choose me again today?
I chose you, David.
I can't wait to see what people think when I wear this in church.
Never wear it in church.
No. Right. Of course.
Hmm.
So...bang.
I'm impressed you know what it means, to be fair.
You've only just learnt what a birthday is.
I'm sorry. Someone told me.
It's OK.
How's your cake?
I scraped all the icing off. Didn't want to blow your mind.
SHE SNIFFS SOFTLY
What's up?
Nothing.
This is really nice.
Yeah? You don't sound sure.
No, I am.
Thank you for remembering my birthday.
Friends always remember birthdays.
Yeah.
Friends.
MUSIC: It's Me, O Lord by Pastor TL Barrett and Youth for Christ Choir
Subtitles by Red Bee Media