1
00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:04,563
{\an2}This programme contains
strong language.
2
00:00:04,603 --> 00:00:05,723
{\an1}BABY CRIES
3
00:00:05,763 --> 00:00:08,283
{\an2}Thank you. Brother Lewis.
4
00:00:08,323 --> 00:00:10,003
{\an2}Could I speak to the elders before
you?
5
00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:12,603
{\an2}My baby's not well
and I really need their advice.
6
00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:13,643
{\an2}That does sound urgent.
7
00:00:13,683 --> 00:00:15,963
{\an2}You should see them
as soon as you've waited your turn.
8
00:00:16,003 --> 00:00:17,003
{\an1}DOOR OPENS
9
00:00:17,043 --> 00:00:18,323
{\an2}Next!
10
00:00:20,923 --> 00:00:22,043
{\an2}Why wasn't I promoted?
11
00:00:22,083 --> 00:00:26,323
{\an2}A reminder, this drop-in is
for urgent matters of faith, David.
12
00:00:26,363 --> 00:00:29,163
{\an2}Yes. And we don't consider being
made elder a promotion.
13
00:00:29,203 --> 00:00:31,523
{\an2}Yes. Do you still want to ask your
question?
14
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{\an2}I do.
Elder Abijah, you can cover this.
15
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,323
{\an2}I've actually got to...
You'll cover it.
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{\an1}HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
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{\an2}So, David, you should know
the vote wasn't unanimous.
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00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:48,083
{\an2}Sure, 11 elders voted for Andrew,
but one voted for...
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{\an2}Oh, no, no.
20
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{\an2}Elder Danforth's vote was void.
He's 91.
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{\an2}He ticked both boxes and then posted
the slip through his own letterbox.
22
00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:58,843
{\an2}But we did have lots of applicants.
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00:00:58,883 --> 00:01:02,003
{\an2}Who applied apart from me and
Andrew?
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{\an2}The point is that God loves
you,
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{\an2}and I'd encourage you to focus on
that, eh?
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{\an2}What do you say?
27
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{\an2}The big G invites you to bask
in his love.
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{\an2}Are you going to RSVP
with a big, fat hallelujah?
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00:01:14,723 --> 00:01:16,603
{\an2}No. Was it Andrew's cologne?
30
00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,523
{\an2}The man smells like an embalmed
king.
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00:01:18,563 --> 00:01:20,443
{\an2}He does smell nice. Um...
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{\an2}All I'd say is that we'd encourage
you to look within.
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{\an2}As Jesus says, first, take the log
out of your own eye,
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{\an2}but don't worry too much.
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{\an2}The order's about having fun, too.
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{\an2}Is that caffeine-free cola?
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00:01:33,683 --> 00:01:37,243
{\an2}No, David, this is the forbidden
full caf.
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{\an2}Last week I shared some
of this with a non-believer,
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{\an2}just to show that us order peeps
also know how to have a good time.
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00:01:42,843 --> 00:01:45,083
{\an2}I don't think the other elders
are going to begrudge me
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00:01:45,123 --> 00:01:47,923
{\an2}a tiny little caffeine boost.
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{\an2}Put that cola down.
43
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{\an2}I'll deposit it in the outside bin.
44
00:01:56,723 --> 00:01:59,283
{\an2}I wish I could trust you to do that.
45
00:02:01,483 --> 00:02:03,243
{\an2}Elder Samson's such a joker.
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00:02:03,283 --> 00:02:05,203
{\an2}He told me if I'd joined
his old congregation,
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{\an2}I'd never have been made elder.
He makes that joke a lot.
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{\an2}See you, David.
49
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{\an1}BABY GRIZZLES
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{\an2}Your turn.
51
00:02:32,923 --> 00:02:34,683
{\an1}CAR HORN HONKS
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{\an2}Fiona!
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{\an2}That's a lot of shopping.
Didn't feel like driving?
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{\an2}No, the car gets me home faster,
which means more time to kill,
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{\an2}which means to do things
like overgroom the cat
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{\an2}or run a wash cycle just to watch
the drum go round.
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{\an2}Well, I'd ask you more,
but I don't want to be sad.
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{\an2}Would you like 150 utility bags?
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{\an2}Need more context? Yes, please.
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00:02:55,323 --> 00:02:57,363
{\an2}I've just upsized my designer
furniture shop
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{\an2}and the new premises
is rammed with unsold stock.
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{\an2}So business is good?
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00:03:01,563 --> 00:03:03,203
{\an2}Divorce is good.
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00:03:03,243 --> 00:03:06,403
{\an2}I got 80% of the house
and a shocking chunk of her pension.
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00:03:06,443 --> 00:03:08,203
{\an2}Why did you think of me?
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00:03:08,243 --> 00:03:09,483
{\an2}Your religion.
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00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:13,043
{\an2}See, someone like me might describe
this as hideous,
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00:03:13,083 --> 00:03:14,403
{\an2}whereas someone like you...
69
00:03:14,443 --> 00:03:17,923
{\an2}Might see that it could hold upwards
of 50 preaching pamphlets.
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00:03:17,963 --> 00:03:19,923
{\an2}And any surplus, you could sell on,
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00:03:19,963 --> 00:03:21,083
{\an2}As a sort of side hustle.
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00:03:21,123 --> 00:03:22,203
{\an2}Like my own business?
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00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:24,923
{\an2}Exactly. The order says women will
be fulfilled
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{\an2}by making the home their work.
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00:03:26,243 --> 00:03:28,563
{\an2}And have you personally found that?
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00:03:28,603 --> 00:03:31,523
{\an2}No, but I've only been doing
it 17 years.
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{\an2}You'd be helping me out. Good
Christian act.
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{\an2}You are Christian, aren't you?
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{\an2}Just checking I've got the right
pressure points. Want to hop in?
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00:03:37,603 --> 00:03:42,443
{\an2}Really? Of course. You're taking
the bags, yeah? Yes. Of course.
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{\an1}VAPE HISSES
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{\an2}So are your parents proud
of your grades?
83
00:03:47,683 --> 00:03:51,323
{\an2}They told me that university
was a path to vice.
84
00:03:51,363 --> 00:03:54,803
{\an2}It's a path to freedom,
knowledge and self-expression.
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00:03:54,843 --> 00:03:56,883
{\an2}They think those things are vice.
86
00:03:56,923 --> 00:04:00,203
{\an2}And you still want to do medicine?
87
00:04:00,243 --> 00:04:03,323
{\an2}Yes, but dad says a six-year course
is pointless
88
00:04:03,363 --> 00:04:07,043
{\an2}because God will shatter the Earth
by 2025. Yeah.
89
00:04:07,083 --> 00:04:08,643
{\an2}This is for work experience.
90
00:04:08,683 --> 00:04:10,323
{\an2}You'll need it if you want
to stand out.
91
00:04:10,363 --> 00:04:13,083
{\an2}Coldhurst retirement home.
Well, you can't become a doctor
92
00:04:13,123 --> 00:04:15,763
{\an2}until a ward of pensioners have
mistaken you for their daughter.
93
00:04:15,803 --> 00:04:16,963
{\an2}Plus, it'll be motivating.
94
00:04:17,003 --> 00:04:19,323
{\an2}They'll tell you all about
their unfulfilled dreams.
95
00:04:19,363 --> 00:04:20,723
{\an2}I just need your mobile number.
96
00:04:20,763 --> 00:04:22,683
{\an2}I don't have a mobile.
Your home phone, then?
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00:04:22,723 --> 00:04:24,443
{\an2}Oh, I'd never get there before
Dad.
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00:04:24,483 --> 00:04:26,203
{\an2}He thinks we get charged per ring.
99
00:04:27,363 --> 00:04:30,963
{\an2}Rachel, I don't want to alarm you,
but this is a competitive field.
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00:04:31,003 --> 00:04:34,163
{\an2}Some of the girls you're up
against will have telephones.
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{\an2}OK.
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{\an2}I'll get a phone. Great.
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{\an2}In six short years, you could get
your medical licence, sell out,
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00:04:44,203 --> 00:04:45,923
{\an2}and then become
a TikTok medfluencer
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{\an2}making seven figures
off the ignorance of the vulnerable.
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00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:50,203
{\an2}Do not squander that.
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00:04:52,643 --> 00:04:54,403
{\an8}Sorry, Gideon, I'll put it down
gently.
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00:04:54,443 --> 00:04:57,683
{\an8}I know you don't like loud noises.
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00:04:57,723 --> 00:04:59,443
{\an2}Not on this table, David!
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00:04:59,483 --> 00:05:01,403
{\an2}There was two centimetres of
clearance, Fiona.
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{\an2}Any damage to that cat is purely
psychological.
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{\an2}Family meeting!
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00:05:07,443 --> 00:05:09,963
{\an2}So I'm sure you're wondering
why I wasn't promoted.
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{\an2}Well, the elders have revealed
the truth,
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00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:15,403
{\an2}and the reason... was you.
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00:05:15,443 --> 00:05:17,323
{\an2}That's what they said, was it?
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00:05:17,363 --> 00:05:19,043
{\an2}They said to remove the log
from your eye.
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00:05:19,083 --> 00:05:22,723
{\an2}And after much soul-searching,
I realised that log is my family.
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{\an2}This is from the archives
to help us.
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00:05:24,723 --> 00:05:26,723
{\an2}Are those the original order rules?
121
00:05:26,763 --> 00:05:28,483
{\an2}Nobody follows them, David.
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00:05:28,523 --> 00:05:30,243
{\an2}They're weird and outmoded.
123
00:05:30,283 --> 00:05:31,723
{\an2}There's a map of Israel in there
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00:05:31,763 --> 00:05:33,483
{\an2}I don't think any side would agree
with.
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00:05:33,523 --> 00:05:36,963
{\an2}God's rule is law. It says here not
to eat bison on the new moon.
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00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:38,923
{\an2}And I'll give that up, Aaron.
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00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:41,363
{\an2}For God, we need to confront our
decadence.
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00:05:41,403 --> 00:05:46,203
{\an2}Dad, I was just wondering...
what's going on?
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00:05:46,243 --> 00:05:48,243
{\an2}Your father's just subjugating the
family.
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00:05:48,283 --> 00:05:49,723
{\an2}What was your question?
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00:05:49,763 --> 00:05:52,843
{\an2}So, most girls my age have mobile
phones,
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{\an2}so I was just wondering
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00:05:54,683 --> 00:05:57,723
{\an2}if I needed to call while I was out
ministering.
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00:05:57,763 --> 00:05:58,843
{\an2}We minister as a family.
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00:05:58,883 --> 00:06:02,243
{\an2}You're usually inside and always
within screaming distance.
136
00:06:02,283 --> 00:06:04,483
{\an2}But since you're keen to minister
solo,
137
00:06:04,523 --> 00:06:07,523
{\an2}how about you preach two hours
each evening for the week?
138
00:06:08,883 --> 00:06:10,763
{\an2}Was that just a suggestion?
139
00:06:10,803 --> 00:06:12,083
{\an2}It started as a suggestion.
140
00:06:12,123 --> 00:06:13,523
{\an2}Then it was a good idea.
141
00:06:13,563 --> 00:06:17,083
{\an2}And now it's a command,
an immutable command.
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00:06:18,923 --> 00:06:21,283
{\an2}Well, David, if you're done
disappointing your daughter,
143
00:06:21,323 --> 00:06:22,763
{\an2}I'll get back to my preaching bags.
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00:06:22,803 --> 00:06:24,803
{\an2}Melissa gave them to me.
145
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,323
{\an2}I'm selling them online.
146
00:06:26,363 --> 00:06:28,123
{\an2}Selling them? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
147
00:06:28,163 --> 00:06:29,963
{\an2}Put down that merchandise.
Put it down.
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00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:32,123
{\an2}The book says women can't work
in online retail?
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00:06:32,163 --> 00:06:35,363
{\an2}It says womenfolk have no
place in the agora,
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00:06:35,403 --> 00:06:36,723
{\an2}the eBay of the time.
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00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:39,603
{\an2}You want to kill my ambition for
a rule you learnt two minutes ago?
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00:06:39,643 --> 00:06:40,923
{\an2}Of course I don't.
153
00:06:40,963 --> 00:06:41,963
{\an2}OK.
154
00:06:42,003 --> 00:06:43,603
{\an2}God does.
155
00:06:45,123 --> 00:06:48,363
{\an2}Now, Aaron, my beady eye turns to
you.
156
00:06:48,403 --> 00:06:50,003
{\an2}Drawn us in hell?
157
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,443
{\an2}Don't hate the truth, Dad.
158
00:06:51,483 --> 00:06:54,883
{\an2}The Romans hated it so much
that they nailed it to the cross.
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00:06:54,923 --> 00:06:56,243
{\an1}KNOCKING AT DOOR
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00:06:57,643 --> 00:06:59,403
{\an2}I'm coming back to fix you.
161
00:07:02,203 --> 00:07:05,523
{\an2}Hi, David. Just stopping by
for a friendly visit.
162
00:07:08,763 --> 00:07:10,683
{\an2}Are you gonna remove the chain,
or...?
163
00:07:15,683 --> 00:07:16,883
{\an2}How's being an elder?
164
00:07:16,923 --> 00:07:18,643
{\an2}Lots of unpleasant responsibilities?
165
00:07:18,683 --> 00:07:21,643
{\an2}Well, the first duty's been deciding
which Biblical name to take.
166
00:07:21,683 --> 00:07:25,003
{\an2}And the one I've gone for is -
you'll really like this, David -
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00:07:25,043 --> 00:07:26,083
{\an2}Elder...
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00:07:26,123 --> 00:07:28,483
{\an2}..Andrew.
169
00:07:31,043 --> 00:07:32,763
{\an2}Make a point or leave, please.
170
00:07:32,803 --> 00:07:35,203
{\an2}How are you getting
on with our good friend Joel?
171
00:07:35,243 --> 00:07:36,243
{\an2}Oh, Joel.
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00:07:36,283 --> 00:07:37,843
{\an2}I'll make a start with him soon.
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00:07:37,883 --> 00:07:39,483
{\an2}Aren't you due to be speaking to him
now?
174
00:07:39,523 --> 00:07:41,603
{\an2}It's just that he's been sending me
text messages.
175
00:07:41,643 --> 00:07:43,603
{\an2}"Looking forward to the meeting
in 20 minutes."
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00:07:43,643 --> 00:07:45,123
{\an2}Then, "Should be here in ten."
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00:07:45,163 --> 00:07:49,203
{\an2}Then, "He's not here."
Then, "He's not coming, is he?"
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00:07:49,243 --> 00:07:50,323
{\an2}Oh, fine.
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00:07:50,363 --> 00:07:52,083
{\an2}I'll do it. Thanks, David.
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00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:54,923
{\an2}If you ever need anything... Oh!
181
00:07:54,963 --> 00:07:58,963
{\an2}So the seeds that fell
on the fertile soil, they became...
182
00:07:59,003 --> 00:08:02,883
{\an2}Do you ever mark people
down to never be visited again?
183
00:08:02,923 --> 00:08:08,083
{\an2}We have a blacklist for people
who abuse or swear us.
184
00:08:08,123 --> 00:08:09,163
{\an2}Right.
185
00:08:09,203 --> 00:08:10,203
{\an2}Um...
186
00:08:10,243 --> 00:08:13,683
{\an2}Fuck... Fuck... off?
187
00:08:13,723 --> 00:08:16,003
{\an2}Am I on the blacklist now? Sure.
188
00:08:16,043 --> 00:08:18,243
{\an2}Thanks. Thanks so much.
189
00:08:29,483 --> 00:08:31,283
{\an2}I can't talk to you, you know.
190
00:08:34,123 --> 00:08:38,283
{\an2}This is my first preaching visit
to this non-believer.
191
00:08:38,323 --> 00:08:41,403
{\an2}Do you want to brief me on any
salient information?
192
00:08:41,443 --> 00:08:43,083
{\an2}There is no salient information.
193
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,483
{\an2}Non-believers are all the same,
194
00:08:44,523 --> 00:08:46,603
{\an2}dead-eyed clones blocking
out the truth.
195
00:08:46,643 --> 00:08:47,923
{\an2}How about his name?
196
00:08:47,963 --> 00:08:49,163
{\an2}Clones, Aaron.
197
00:08:49,203 --> 00:08:50,723
{\an2}They're clones.
198
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:52,963
{\an2}Right. This is where I fix you.
199
00:08:53,003 --> 00:08:54,763
{\an1}HE KNOCKS
200
00:08:54,803 --> 00:08:57,043
{\an2}You're about to watch a master
at work.
201
00:08:57,083 --> 00:09:00,643
{\an2}You'll see the Bible speak
through me as a divine envoy.
202
00:09:00,683 --> 00:09:02,963
{\an2}Ah, David, you're finally...
Out of the way.
203
00:09:03,003 --> 00:09:04,643
{\an2}We're here to save you.
204
00:09:07,043 --> 00:09:09,643
{\an2}You don't mind my son being here
while I minister, do you?
205
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:13,443
{\an2}Well, some of the stuff's quite,
um... intimate.
206
00:09:13,483 --> 00:09:16,523
{\an2}Great. Let's start with that.
If you prefer, I can leave the room.
207
00:09:16,563 --> 00:09:19,723
{\an2}No, Aaron, you have a right to hear
this man's depraved life story.
208
00:09:19,763 --> 00:09:22,083
{\an2}I thought you said no judgment.
Please.
209
00:09:22,123 --> 00:09:24,563
{\an2}I'm talking to my son.
210
00:09:24,603 --> 00:09:27,443
{\an2}Now, I'm going to listen in
quiet humility, OK?
211
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:32,403
{\an2}Well, my girlfriend left me
six weeks ago.
212
00:09:35,563 --> 00:09:36,603
{\an2}Oh, wow.
213
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,723
{\an2}I love getting these. One sec.
214
00:09:42,723 --> 00:09:44,723
{\an1}SHREDDER WHIRS
215
00:10:01,163 --> 00:10:04,363
{\an2}Right, second day of your journey
to salvation.
216
00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:07,403
{\an2}So it's really just you doing
these visits?
217
00:10:07,443 --> 00:10:10,363
{\an2}Because Andrew seems so nice.
218
00:10:10,403 --> 00:10:13,003
{\an2}Do you only have two types
of biscuits?
219
00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:14,083
{\an2}Yep.
220
00:10:14,123 --> 00:10:16,723
{\an2}So you ignored yesterday's feedback.
OK.
221
00:10:21,843 --> 00:10:25,163
{\an2}So what's it like being a kid
in the order world?
222
00:10:25,203 --> 00:10:27,083
{\an2}Worldly kids at school make fun of
me,
223
00:10:27,123 --> 00:10:29,763
{\an2}but in the afterlife, I'll get to
watch them burn
224
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,523
{\an2}through my own special window.
225
00:10:31,563 --> 00:10:34,323
{\an2}Your window? It'll be my personal
paradise, Joel.
226
00:10:34,363 --> 00:10:36,003
{\an2}There will be a window.
227
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,723
{\an2}Oh, please, use a coaster.
228
00:10:39,763 --> 00:10:43,083
{\an2}It's an original Noguchi
coffee table.
229
00:10:43,123 --> 00:10:44,723
{\an2}My ex bought it for me.
230
00:10:44,763 --> 00:10:47,403
{\an2}Joel, we're guests in your house.
231
00:10:47,443 --> 00:10:49,443
{\an2}Of course I'll respect the rules.
232
00:10:54,643 --> 00:10:57,683
{\an2}So, let's talk about your
relationship's most painful moments.
233
00:10:57,723 --> 00:11:00,323
{\an2}Just four or five examples. Go.
234
00:11:14,923 --> 00:11:16,043
{\an2}I can't have coffee.
235
00:11:17,523 --> 00:11:18,523
{\an2}No stimulants.
236
00:11:19,963 --> 00:11:20,963
{\an2}It's decaf.
237
00:11:22,003 --> 00:11:23,003
{\an2}Oh.
238
00:11:23,043 --> 00:11:24,043
{\an1}DOG WHINES
239
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:27,403
{\an2}I'm good at remembering weird rules
that were screamed at me aged nine.
240
00:11:27,443 --> 00:11:29,363
{\an2}Once, I accidentally ate some
tiramisu.
241
00:11:29,403 --> 00:11:31,083
{\an2}My dad said I had to throw it up.
242
00:11:31,123 --> 00:11:34,723
{\an2}Did you? Did I make myself sick
just because someone told me to?
243
00:11:34,763 --> 00:11:38,563
{\an2}Yes. I thought you said you weren't
allowed to talk to me.
244
00:11:38,603 --> 00:11:40,003
{\an2}Well, I'm not talking to you,
245
00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:42,883
{\an2}just thanking a stranger for coffee.
Nice.
246
00:11:42,923 --> 00:11:43,923
{\an1}DOG BARKS
247
00:11:43,963 --> 00:11:47,483
{\an2}No, no! Keeps trying to run off.
His name's Ricky Hatton,
248
00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:49,403
{\an2}so calling out for him's a bit
weird.
249
00:11:49,443 --> 00:11:52,003
{\an2}Can you not just call him Ricky?
250
00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:53,443
{\an2}He only responds to the full name.
251
00:11:53,483 --> 00:11:57,003
{\an2}Why are you doing so much
door to door?
252
00:11:57,043 --> 00:11:58,763
{\an2}I asked my dad for a phone
and instead,
253
00:11:58,803 --> 00:12:01,043
{\an2}he took away
all my evenings for a week.
254
00:12:01,083 --> 00:12:02,723
{\an2}What do you need a phone for?
255
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:06,963
{\an2}Work experience, which I need
if I want to go to uni and...
256
00:12:07,003 --> 00:12:09,283
{\an2}..be a doctor.
..Get away from the order.
257
00:12:10,323 --> 00:12:11,803
{\an2}Well, enjoy the decaf.
258
00:12:11,843 --> 00:12:13,563
{\an2}Real coffee's great,
259
00:12:13,603 --> 00:12:17,163
{\an2}but I guess that's the price
of living in fear.
260
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,243
{\an2}I don't live in fear.
261
00:12:20,603 --> 00:12:22,003
{\an2}Oh, shit.
262
00:12:23,203 --> 00:12:25,323
{\an2}Oh, I think this is the decaf.
263
00:12:26,763 --> 00:12:29,643
{\an2}Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh,
oh, my gosh.
264
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,843
{\an2}They were both decaf, Rachel.
265
00:12:36,603 --> 00:12:37,923
{\an2}Ugh!
266
00:12:38,523 --> 00:12:40,403
{\an2}See you tomorrow.
267
00:12:48,763 --> 00:12:53,923
{\an2}So Aaron, it's been three visits now
and I haven't felt much community.
268
00:12:53,963 --> 00:12:56,803
{\an2}Do you feel you have a community?
Sure.
269
00:12:56,843 --> 00:12:59,803
{\an2}I mean, I haven't got any
friends, but I draw lots.
270
00:12:59,843 --> 00:13:00,843
{\an2}Look.
271
00:13:03,163 --> 00:13:04,883
{\an2}David, where did you find that cup?
272
00:13:04,923 --> 00:13:07,723
{\an2}Oh, from some chintzy armoire
in your hallway.
273
00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:10,083
{\an2}My antique cabinet - that's not
meant to be drunk out of.
274
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,883
{\an2}Any liquid hotter than 40 degrees
would strip the patina.
275
00:13:12,923 --> 00:13:14,323
{\an2}Ooh, that's hot.
276
00:13:14,363 --> 00:13:16,923
{\an2}I guess I can forget about tasting
these custard creams.
277
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:20,083
{\an2}OK, maybe we should end
these sessions.
278
00:13:20,123 --> 00:13:22,163
{\an2}You seem socially maladjusted,
279
00:13:22,203 --> 00:13:25,843
{\an2}and I think your son has anger
problems. My son idolises me.
280
00:13:25,883 --> 00:13:28,723
{\an2}David, he's drawing
you in an acid bath.
281
00:13:33,323 --> 00:13:36,083
{\an2}Joel, if you've got an issue
with me, say it to my face.
282
00:13:36,123 --> 00:13:37,803
{\an2}I have an issue with you.
283
00:13:37,843 --> 00:13:39,923
{\an2}I'm saying it.
Well, here's another issue.
284
00:13:39,963 --> 00:13:42,323
{\an2}I'm putting this down
without a coaster.
285
00:13:46,643 --> 00:13:49,323
{\an2}Clearly, I only meant to
leave a ring.
286
00:13:51,323 --> 00:13:54,163
{\an1}CAMERA CLICKS
287
00:13:59,523 --> 00:14:01,803
{\an2}Fiona, I've noticed that
you and your husband
288
00:14:01,843 --> 00:14:04,003
{\an2}sleep in two separate single beds.
289
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:06,403
{\an2}David likes to push them together
on special occasions,
290
00:14:06,443 --> 00:14:08,523
{\an2}but the table
makes that difficult.
291
00:14:08,563 --> 00:14:10,163
{\an2}So why'd you put the table
there, then?
292
00:14:10,203 --> 00:14:11,203
{\an2}I just told you.
293
00:14:11,243 --> 00:14:12,323
{\an1}DOOR OPENS DOWNSTAIRS
294
00:14:12,363 --> 00:14:14,883
{\an2}David's back. Maybe we should pause
while I talk to him.
295
00:14:14,923 --> 00:14:18,123
{\an2}Fiona, if I paused with my ex,
I wouldn't have a new kitchen.
296
00:14:18,163 --> 00:14:22,443
{\an2}Fight back. Get the marble
countertops and the chrome taps.
297
00:14:22,483 --> 00:14:23,483
{\an2}Darling?
298
00:14:23,523 --> 00:14:25,723
{\an2}What the...?
299
00:14:25,763 --> 00:14:29,803
{\an2}Melissa, why is there a stranger
in my personal kingdom?
300
00:14:29,843 --> 00:14:33,603
{\an2}We're taking business photos
for the website.
301
00:14:33,643 --> 00:14:36,123
{\an2}Fiona, this book is clear on
what is seemly
302
00:14:36,163 --> 00:14:37,443
{\an2}and what is unseemly.
303
00:14:37,483 --> 00:14:40,123
{\an2}Hmm, thousand-year-old book
versus two living women.
304
00:14:40,163 --> 00:14:42,083
{\an2}This'll be good. As the patriarch,
305
00:14:42,123 --> 00:14:43,763
{\an2}God caused me
to lead this household.
306
00:14:43,803 --> 00:14:46,283
{\an2}Don't make me use that divine power.
307
00:14:46,323 --> 00:14:47,923
{\an2}Use it. Go on, then.
308
00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:51,163
{\an2}OK.
309
00:14:52,763 --> 00:14:55,363
{\an2}Fiona, as God's patriarch...
I want to do the business, David.
310
00:14:55,403 --> 00:14:56,923
{\an2}Then you have my permission.
311
00:14:56,963 --> 00:14:58,523
{\an2}Well done, big man.
312
00:14:58,563 --> 00:14:59,563
{\an2}Now, get out.
313
00:15:00,803 --> 00:15:03,123
{\an2}Can I come in to change my shirt?
314
00:15:04,763 --> 00:15:06,403
{\an2}No. You can come back in the room
315
00:15:06,443 --> 00:15:10,603
{\an2}when I'm done making money
and I'm a money magnet, David!
316
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:11,883
{\an2}Money magnet!
317
00:15:13,883 --> 00:15:16,523
{\an2}Was that good? A little too good.
318
00:15:16,563 --> 00:15:17,683
{\an2}But I'm here for it.
319
00:15:21,803 --> 00:15:22,963
{\an1}KNOCKING AT DOOR
320
00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:27,323
{\an2}Ugh. Is it urgent, Andrew?
321
00:15:27,363 --> 00:15:29,803
{\an2}I've just emancipated my wife
and I'm feeling pretty low.
322
00:15:29,843 --> 00:15:31,283
{\an2}Just returned from Joel's house.
323
00:15:31,323 --> 00:15:33,643
{\an2}Apparently, you attacked
an expensive collector's item
324
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:35,603
{\an2}with another expensive
collector's item.
325
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:38,683
{\an2}It was a lesson, to teach him the
real value of worldly possessions.
326
00:15:38,723 --> 00:15:40,683
{\an2}Well, the real value was five grand.
327
00:15:40,723 --> 00:15:43,043
{\an2}He'd like you to reimburse him.
What?
328
00:15:43,083 --> 00:15:46,123
{\an2}It was an accident. I only meant to
cause superficial damage.
329
00:15:46,163 --> 00:15:49,163
{\an2}Fortunately, I've convinced him
to forgive you.
330
00:15:49,203 --> 00:15:52,483
{\an2}I've also persuaded Elder Samson not
to revoke any of your privileges,
331
00:15:52,523 --> 00:15:54,323
{\an2}even though this is, to his memory,
332
00:15:54,363 --> 00:15:57,883
{\an2}the most disgraceful thing
any ordinand has ever done.
333
00:16:00,403 --> 00:16:01,403
{\an2}Thank you.
334
00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:03,923
{\an2}Given the situation, I'll be looking
after Joel from now on.
335
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,483
{\an2}Sorry, David. Obviously, Andrew is
your buddy,
336
00:16:07,523 --> 00:16:08,843
{\an2}but Elder Andrew...
337
00:16:10,923 --> 00:16:13,083
{\an2}..he must walk a different path.
338
00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:27,683
{\an2}Well, Andrew might not see the
benefits of my ministering style,
339
00:16:27,723 --> 00:16:29,603
{\an2}but Aaron clearly does.
340
00:16:29,643 --> 00:16:31,843
{\an2}Look at this drip technique.
341
00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:33,603
{\an2}He's moved on to abstract art.
342
00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:35,643
{\an2}No more violent images of...
343
00:16:37,923 --> 00:16:39,203
{\an2}Hmm.
344
00:16:40,683 --> 00:16:42,283
{\an2}He probably started that weeks ago.
345
00:16:42,323 --> 00:16:45,283
{\an2}He started as soon as he came
back from Joel's. Right.
346
00:16:49,123 --> 00:16:55,083
{\an2}I'm done. A whole week of night
preaching. 80 doors, 100 pamphlets.
347
00:16:55,123 --> 00:16:57,643
{\an2}Nearly lost my finger
to a razor-sharp letterbox.
348
00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:00,523
{\an2}Number 38. I know it well.
But I'm done.
349
00:17:02,963 --> 00:17:05,363
{\an2}Rachel, I've been reflecting.
350
00:17:05,403 --> 00:17:07,963
{\an2}I think it's only right
to reward your labour after all.
351
00:17:08,003 --> 00:17:10,083
{\an2}You mean... Dad, really?
352
00:17:10,123 --> 00:17:12,483
{\an2}This has seen history.
353
00:17:13,883 --> 00:17:15,563
{\an2}You couldn't get me a new one?
354
00:17:15,603 --> 00:17:18,883
{\an2}They don't build them like this
any more, Rachel.
355
00:17:21,523 --> 00:17:22,523
{\an1}POWERING-UP TONE
356
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,043
{\an2}Look at that battery life.
357
00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:27,043
{\an2}10%, and it hasn't been plugged
in since 9/11.
358
00:17:27,083 --> 00:17:28,243
{\an2}Look alive.
359
00:17:28,283 --> 00:17:29,643
{\an2}Try the home phone.
360
00:17:32,003 --> 00:17:33,003
{\an2}Is it ringing?
361
00:17:33,043 --> 00:17:35,083
{\an2}It's getting really warm.
362
00:17:35,123 --> 00:17:39,323
{\an2}Great. Respect the awesome
power it grants you.
363
00:17:39,363 --> 00:17:41,083
{\an1}PHONE HINGES CREAK
364
00:17:43,643 --> 00:17:44,843
{\an2}OUTSIDE: Ricky Hatton!
365
00:17:46,283 --> 00:17:47,283
{\an2}Ricky!
366
00:17:49,523 --> 00:17:50,683
{\an2}Mr Hatton?
367
00:17:52,523 --> 00:17:54,243
{\an1}DOG BARKS
368
00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:56,443
{\an2}Ricky Hatton!
369
00:17:57,803 --> 00:18:01,563
{\an2}You found him, then? Yeah.
Peace offering.
370
00:18:01,603 --> 00:18:04,163
{\an2}Peppermint, for the sake of both of
our souls.
371
00:18:04,203 --> 00:18:07,323
{\an2}But drink quickly.
The mug's absence will be noticed.
372
00:18:07,363 --> 00:18:09,883
{\an2}Mmm, can't wait to chug
this scalding liquid.
373
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:11,083
{\an1}PHONE BEEPS
374
00:18:12,603 --> 00:18:14,163
{\an2}Oh, you got a phone? Yeah.
375
00:18:14,203 --> 00:18:18,963
{\an2}It leaks battery acid and can't
text or call. Just as well.
376
00:18:19,003 --> 00:18:21,483
{\an2}Which means I can give you
my peace offering.
377
00:18:22,963 --> 00:18:24,683
{\an2}Good as new.
378
00:18:24,723 --> 00:18:25,723
{\an2}Oh, my gosh.
379
00:18:25,763 --> 00:18:27,603
{\an2}It's just my old handset.
380
00:18:27,643 --> 00:18:29,403
{\an2}Thank you.
381
00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:31,963
{\an2}Thank you.
382
00:18:39,123 --> 00:18:40,603
{\an2}I guess if I needed to message you,
383
00:18:40,643 --> 00:18:45,123
{\an2}for help with the phone, I mean,
your number's on here?
384
00:18:45,163 --> 00:18:46,163
{\an2}No.
385
00:18:49,443 --> 00:18:53,283
{\an2}You can't bring yourself
to ask me, can you? Put it on.
386
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:59,203
{\an1}HORSE RACING COMMENTARY ON EARPHONES
387
00:18:59,243 --> 00:19:03,483
{\an2}Miss? You asked to see me
in your office.
388
00:19:03,523 --> 00:19:07,083
{\an2}I did say that, and it made me
feel very powerful.
389
00:19:07,123 --> 00:19:08,603
{\an2}Rachel, congratulations.
390
00:19:08,643 --> 00:19:10,523
{\an2}You're officially an unpaid
volunteer.
391
00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:13,523
{\an2}You start ladling medically
thickened gravy on Monday.
392
00:19:13,563 --> 00:19:16,643
{\an2}They picked me? From a field
of zero applicants.
393
00:19:16,683 --> 00:19:20,163
{\an2}They picked me! What a great day,
my favourite people succeeding,
394
00:19:20,203 --> 00:19:23,403
{\an2}and a crazy man smashed my ex's
coffee table.
395
00:19:24,723 --> 00:19:25,843
{\an2}He's crushed, Rachel.
396
00:19:25,883 --> 00:19:28,603
{\an2}And his libido was already
so fragile.
397
00:19:30,843 --> 00:19:32,523
{\an2}How's my phone, Rachel?
398
00:19:32,563 --> 00:19:35,003
{\an2}So many memories -
hours texting my dad
399
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:38,563
{\an2}about how the Old Testament
predicted the credit crunch.
400
00:19:38,603 --> 00:19:41,523
{\an2}Yeah, it's been... great, Dad.
401
00:19:47,843 --> 00:19:50,443
{\an2}Now, Fiona, I know I gave my
permission for your business,
402
00:19:50,483 --> 00:19:53,043
{\an2}but not everyone's so liberal
about bags, OK?
403
00:19:53,083 --> 00:19:55,523
{\an2}I wouldn't mention
it to the congregation.
404
00:19:55,563 --> 00:19:57,123
{\an2}Thank you for the advice, David.
405
00:20:05,523 --> 00:20:07,083
{\an1}GENIAL CHATTER
406
00:20:11,203 --> 00:20:15,003
{\an2}Sister Lewis, you've given our
chapter its own de facto uniform.
407
00:20:15,043 --> 00:20:16,323
{\an2}Now we can all band together,
408
00:20:16,363 --> 00:20:19,483
{\an2}I'm sure there'll be fewer
harassment incidents.
409
00:20:19,523 --> 00:20:22,523
{\an2}Or more, since we're easier to spot.
410
00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:25,243
{\an2}But, hey, if women could be elders,
you'd be a shoo-in.
411
00:20:25,283 --> 00:20:28,283
{\an2}And honestly, I could see
that rule changing one day. I can't.
412
00:20:28,323 --> 00:20:32,443
{\an2}But thank you for donating
the proceeds. Thank you.
413
00:20:32,483 --> 00:20:35,363
{\an2}If you'll excuse me, I might go
speak with my...
414
00:20:35,403 --> 00:20:37,523
{\an2}Is it prideful to say fans?
415
00:20:37,563 --> 00:20:38,563
{\an2}My fans.
416
00:20:43,003 --> 00:20:45,963
{\an1}INAUDIBLE CHAT
417
00:20:58,083 --> 00:21:01,083
{\an2}David. You'll see
I'm on the gold cola.
418
00:21:01,123 --> 00:21:02,723
{\an2}No caffeine.
419
00:21:02,763 --> 00:21:06,483
{\an2}It tastes... Well,
really quite different, actually.
420
00:21:06,523 --> 00:21:09,123
{\an2}Thankfully, Samson's been pretty
chill about the whole thing.
421
00:21:09,163 --> 00:21:11,843
{\an2}Abijah, you're on probation.
Pop your scarf back on.
422
00:21:11,883 --> 00:21:13,603
{\an2}Squash, strong.
423
00:21:15,003 --> 00:21:16,443
{\an2}I've realised something.
424
00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:18,203
{\an2}When you told me to look within,
425
00:21:18,243 --> 00:21:22,203
{\an2}you weren't just talking about
my family's mistakes, were you?
426
00:21:22,243 --> 00:21:24,083
{\an2}You were talking about my own. Yes.
427
00:21:24,123 --> 00:21:26,643
{\an2}We were talking exclusively
about you, David.
428
00:21:26,683 --> 00:21:29,563
{\an2}Your pride, your tendency
to blame external factors
429
00:21:29,603 --> 00:21:31,003
{\an2}instead of yourself. Hmm.
430
00:21:32,403 --> 00:21:34,883
{\an2}I'd like to return
this to the archives.
431
00:21:34,923 --> 00:21:36,803
{\an2}Is that a first edition
of our oldest maxims?
432
00:21:36,843 --> 00:21:39,723
{\an2}They're horrendously outdated, them.
I thought we burnt them all.
433
00:21:39,763 --> 00:21:43,603
{\an2}"Love thy neighbour" has an asterisk
leading to a big list of exceptions.
434
00:21:43,643 --> 00:21:45,843
{\an2}Shred it, Abijah. Pulp the remains.
435
00:21:49,243 --> 00:21:50,843
{\an1}PHONE BUZZES
436
00:21:51,843 --> 00:21:53,683
{\an2}VOICE NOTE FROM JOSHUA:
Wow, your first text.
437
00:21:53,723 --> 00:21:56,243
{\an2}Welcome to the information age.
438
00:21:56,283 --> 00:21:58,603
{\an2}Don't mind me, Rachel.
439
00:21:58,643 --> 00:22:02,963
{\an2}Just destroying this book
of forbidden knowledge.
440
00:22:03,003 --> 00:22:05,243
{\an2}MESSAGE PLAYS AGAIN:
Wow, your first text.
441
00:22:05,283 --> 00:22:06,963
{\an2}Welcome to the information age.
442
00:22:07,003 --> 00:22:09,843
{\an2}# Just a pilgrim on a journey
443
00:22:09,883 --> 00:22:13,043
{\an2}# Well, I got no time to tarry here
444
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,683
{\an2}# Don't you stop me
445
00:22:14,723 --> 00:22:18,803
{\an2}# Cos I'm going to a land
where skies are clear
446
00:22:18,843 --> 00:22:20,363
{\an2}# And I ain't got time
447
00:22:21,803 --> 00:22:25,083
{\an2}# To linger longer
448
00:22:25,123 --> 00:22:27,243
{\an2}# I ain't got time
449
00:22:27,283 --> 00:22:29,763
{\an2}# To stop today. #
450
00:22:29,803 --> 00:22:31,963
{\an2}Subtitles by Red Bee Media