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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[announcer] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

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Please welcome to the stage

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a man who really doesn't need to do this.

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[audience laughing]

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Ricky Gervais.

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-[upbeat music playing]
-[audience cheering and applauding]

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[audience cheering]

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[music fades]

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Hello.

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-Hello. Thank you.
-[cheering continues]

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Shush. Thank you very much. Shush.

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No, shush.

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Thank you, but shut the fuck up.

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No fucking whooping or-- Just laugh.

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No, but thank-- Shush. Everyone calm down.

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Shush!

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I'm filming this. Shut up, you cunts!

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[audience laughing]

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Thank you very much.

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Um…

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Welcome to my show. Uh…

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It's not a show.
There's no dancers or jugglers.

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It's basically a bloke talking,

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um, which is essentially
what stand-up comedy is.

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A bloke talking.

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Sexist.

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-Um…
-[audience laughing]

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What about all the funny female comedians?

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Like, um…

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-[audience laughing]
-No. No. No.

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Right. No, no, no, no, no.

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I'm not doing that.
Okay, right. That was irony, okay?

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There'll be a bit of that throughout
the show. See if you can spot it.

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Now, that's when I say summat
I don't really mean for comic effect,

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and you, as an audience,
you laugh at the wrong thing

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'cause you know what the right thing is.
It's a way of satirizing attitudes.

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Like that first joke,

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I used the old-fashioned sexist trope
that women aren't funny.

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Now, in real life,
I know there are loads of funny women.

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Like, um…

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[audience laughing]

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I did it again. Well spotted. Good.

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[audience laughing]

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No, but there are. Um…

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Dame Edna Everage. She's…

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[audience laughing]

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Uh…

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Eddie Izzard.

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[audience laughing]

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She's brilliant, in't she?

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[audience laughing]

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She's not only a great comedienne,
she's also a great actress, isn't she?

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She was brilliant
in that thing as that man, weren't sh--

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[audience laughing]

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It's good to be back. Um…

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I fell back in love with stand-up
on my last tour, Humanity.

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I played arenas around the world.
Netflix bought it for a record amount.

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It was the most-watched special
of the year.

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I thought, "Everyone loves me now.
Everyone loves me now."

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Then I got this tweet.

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[audience laughing]

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A real tweet, right?

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"Call yourself a comedian?"

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He knows I do.

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[audience laughing]

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Literally says the word in my Twitter bio.

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[audience laughing]

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"Call yourself a comedian?"

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"You're about as funny as…"

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Now, I thought he was gonna go
for the jugular and say, "Miranda," or…

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-[audience laughing]
-Come on!

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Come on, guys. Don't--

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[Ricky laughing]

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I'm joking. Right.

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[audience laughing]

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"Call yourself a comedian?"

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"You're about as funny
as a fart at a baby's funeral."

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[audience laughing]

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Yeah. He was trying to hurt my feelings.

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But his big mistake was choosing summat
that'd be fucking hilarious!

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-[audience laughing]
-As if that would--

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-A fart at a baby's funeral?
-[audience laughing]

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Big, echoey church.

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Everyone just silently sobbing like that.

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Tiny little coffin. Tiny little coffin.

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[audience laughing]

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-And someone farts?
-[audience laughing]

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-You'd laugh.
-[audience laughing]

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Even if it was your baby. You know? No.

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[audience laughing]

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If you're at the funeral,
it's been dead a week.

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[surprised laughter]

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-You're probably up for a giggle.
-[audience laughing]

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Particularly if you're the father.

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If you're the mother,
you probably still find it hard

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-seeing "the funny side of things."
-[audience laughing]

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Oh, women!

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-[groans]
-[audience laughing]

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Not all women.

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I mean, the old-fashioned ones.
The old-fashioned women. Oh God!

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You know, the ones with wombs.

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-Oh.
-[audience laughing]

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Those fucking dinosaurs.

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-[groans]
-[audience laughing]

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No, I love the new women.
They're great, aren't they?

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The new ones we've been seeing lately.

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The ones with beards and cocks.
They're as good as…

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[audience laughing]

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They're as good as gold. I love them.

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[audience laughing]

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It's the old-fashioned…

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And now the old-fashioned, they go,
"Ooh, they wanna use our toilets!"

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"Why shouldn't they?"

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"For ladies!"

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"They are ladies. Look at their pronouns."

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[audience laughing]

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"What about this person isn't a lady?"

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"Well, his penis."

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[audience laughing]

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"Her penis, you fucking bigot!"

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[audience laughing]

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"What if he rapes me?"

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-"What if she rapes you?"
-[audience laughing]

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"You fucking TERF whore!"

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[audience laughing]

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[Ricky laughing]

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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But that tweet sums comedy up, doesn't it?

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How subjective it is. How one person,
some people can find them hilarious,

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some find them
the least funny person in the world.

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When someone says to me
about another comedian,

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they say, "Oh, they're not funny,"

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even if I agree with them, I stand up--

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I say, "You can't say that.
You gotta say you don't find them funny."

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I hate it when people say,
"That joke was offensive."

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I say, "No, you gotta say
you found it offensive."

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It's about feelings,
and feelings are personal.

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And there's loads of types of comedy,
and comedy evolves.

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There's a new type of comedy at the moment
called woke comedy, right?

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No, it's very progressive, you know?

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There are clubs
where the comedian has to sign a thing

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saying he won't say anything contentious
or anything that could offend anyone.

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It's a safe space for the audience.
Woke comedy.

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And, uh, I tried to watch a bit of it,

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and I decided
I'd rather watch Louis CK masturbate.

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[audience laughing]

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Can't mention him anymore.
He's canceled. Uh…

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Not enough to apologize and move on.
You gotta…

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Like poor Kevin Hart. See, Kevin Hart,
he got the job hosting the Oscars.

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His best day ever. He was on Twitter,
"I've wanted to do this all my life."

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And then someone found
these ten-year-old tweets.

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Look, they were sort of childish,
sort of shitty homophobic tweets.

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It was about his son.
He was mucking around.

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He said, "Oh, my son's doing so-and-so.
I hope he's not gay."

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There was a massive backlash.
He went, "I'm not homophobic, sorry."

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He deleted 'em, right,
and said, "I'm really sorry."

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Ten years later,
someone finds a screen grab

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and goes, "Look, he's done this."

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And the Oscars go,
"You gotta apologize again."

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He went, "No, I've apologized.
I can't keep apologizing."

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And he's right. If there's no value
to saying sorry and evolving,

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he might as well just tweet 'em again.

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[audience laughing]

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That's how I deal with shit anyway.

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[audience laughing]

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But if you're the type of person
to revel in someone getting canceled

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for summat they said ten years ago,

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you're just ensuring
that one day you'll be canceled

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for summat you said today.

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You can't predict
what'll be offensive in the future.

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You don't know
who the dominant mob will be.

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Like, the worst thing you can say today,

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get you canceled on Twitter,
death threats,

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the worst thing you can say today is,
"Women don't have penises," right?

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[audience laughing]

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Now, no one saw that coming.

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[audience laughing]

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There are no ten-year-old tweets
of people saying--

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You won't find a ten-year-old tweet

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of someone saying,
"Women don't have penises."

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Do you know why?
We didn't think we fucking had to.

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[audience laughing]

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Liam Neeson. Oh.

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He nearly got canceled, didn't he?

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Liam Neeson. Now,

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-I don't know why he told this story.
-[audience laughing]

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But he did,
at a press junket to a journalist, right,

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and he just started saying, uh,

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"It was 30 years ago,

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and, uh, my friend came home,

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and, um, she'd been raped," right, and…

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That's not the funny bit.

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[audience laughing]

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[laughs]

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He said, "She'd been raped."
I said, 'What did the guy look like?'"

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"Said it was a Black guy."

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"So I got my cosh and I went out
looking for the first Black guy."

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"Nothing happened. I came to my senses."

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But the weird thing about that story is,
who has a cosh?

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-Who has a…
-[audience laughing]

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But it was touch and go.

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They canceled the premiere
'cause of the backlash.

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People wanted the film to be deleted,
and I get it.

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Some people can't separate the art form
with the artist's personal life.

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I know Liam. I've worked with him.
He's a lovely man. Definitely not racist.

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But when that broke,

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even I was like, "Oh, will I ever be able
to find Schindler's List funny again?"

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[audience laughing]

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I… I… I do still find it funny, obviously.

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[audience laughing]

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But now there's so much outrage,

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and we hear about it,
and it's taken seriously, you know?

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There's Oxbridge comedians
writing for the posh papers,

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the rules of comedy,

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they're laying it down,
laying down the law.

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And it's all stuff like,

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"Comedy should punch up.
You should never punch down."

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Sometimes you've gotta punch down,

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like if you're beating up
a disabled toddler.

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Know what I mean?

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[audience laughing]

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If you punch up,
you'll miss the little cunt. He'll win.

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[audience laughing]

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I like that joke
'cause it highlights the difference

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between metaphorical
punching down in jokes

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and actual punching down.

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But people nowadays want you to believe
that words are actual violence, right?

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Now, you laughed at a joke
about beating up a disabled toddler.

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No one got hurt. If I'd have actually
dragged out a disabled toddler

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and started beating him up,
you wouldn't laugh, right?

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That's why I dropped that bit.

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-Um…
-[audience laughing]

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But these people are virtue signaling.

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They're trying to bring people down
to raise their own status,

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and they say,
"No, we're protecting minorities."

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They're basically saying
minorities haven't got a sense of humor,

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which is so patronizing.

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And I get that as well,
what it's like to be outnumbered.

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In this country,
we're still only 5% Black, 5% Asian,

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5% LGBTQ, you know? Tiny numbers.

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Now, I'm a white,
heterosexual multimillionaire, right?

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[audience laughing]

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-[audience cheering]
-Um…

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There's less than 1% of us.

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[audience laughing]

249
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:04,080
But… do I whine? No!

250
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:05,800
-Do I…
-[audience laughing]

251
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,760
I don't mind. I just get on with it.
"Come on, Rick. Come on, Rick!"

252
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,240
"Just keep fi--"

253
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,680
I'm like Rosa Parks,
know what I mean? I'm like…

254
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:14,880
[audience laughing]

255
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,880
Except I fought for the right to never
have to take a seat on a bus, but…

256
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,320
[audience laughing]

257
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,840
People complain about things
they don't have to watch.

258
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,520
It doesn't affect them, you know?

259
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,920
And, again, everyone's got the right
to be offended and complain,

260
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,720
but they've gotta know
that we're not trying to offend.

261
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,800
That's not our aim, you know?
We're tying to make you laugh.

262
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,760
We're trying to give you a good time.

263
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,200
Here's the deal, right?

264
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:43,320
So I riff…

265
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,200
If I say summat tonight
that's so offensive,

266
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,440
that you've never heard anything
so fucking off the charts in your life,

267
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:51,520
don't make a scene.

268
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,800
Go to the box office. They can't give you
your money back straight away.

269
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:58,120
There's a form you fill out
with the complaint, and I take those away,

270
00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,560
and I shit on them.

271
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,880
[audience laughing]

272
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,520
So that's the rules of comedy.

273
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,600
[audience cheering and applauding]

274
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,320
SuperNature. Why SuperNature?

275
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,600
Well, for two reasons.

276
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,360
One, I wanna debunk the supernatural.

277
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,520
I don't believe in anything supernatural.

278
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,040
I believe that anything that exists
is by definition part of nature

279
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,760
and is explainable,
if not now, then eventually.

280
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:30,040
Also, SuperNature 'cause nature
is super enough, you know?

281
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:32,800
It's… It's amazing
that we're even here discussing it.

282
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:36,360
We're the only species that allows
the universe to understand itself.

283
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,280
The chances of us being here at all,

284
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,760
the chances of you being you existing now,

285
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:45,040
the chances of that sperm hitting that egg
is 400 trillion to one.

286
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,120
And I think life is like a holiday.

287
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,640
We don't exist
for 13 and a half billion years,

288
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,040
then we have these 80, 90 years
if we're lucky,

289
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,120
then we die, never to exist again.

290
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,160
Some people are even offended by that.

291
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,480
They go, "You can't say that.
This can't be chance."

292
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,320
"It's too good.
Someone must have made it all."

293
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,120
"I'm too special. I can't just not exist."

294
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,000
"I'll live again. I'll, uh…
I'll go to heaven."

295
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,840
"I'll be with my friends and family
or come back as a spirit

296
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:11,960
and walk amongst you."

297
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:15,680
"Or I'll be reincarnated.
I'll come back as someone else."

298
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,560
That'd just be someone else.

299
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,720
[audience laughing]

300
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:23,360
That's all that's happened.
You're not involved. That is just…

301
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:24,600
[audience laughing]

302
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,720
…someone else, right?

303
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,040
Many people believe in reincarnation,
of course.

304
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:33,720
Some people claim they remember
who they were in a previous life. Um…

305
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,480
There's a society in America, of course...

306
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,320
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

307
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,520
-In California, of course, right?
-[audience laughing]

308
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,160
And they remember
who they were in a previous life.

309
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,960
They're always someone pretty special
in their previous life.

310
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,920
Not so much
in the life they've got now, right?

311
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,960
-[audience laughing]
-But I saw a documentary about it,

312
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,840
and every year,
they have a "come as you were" party,

313
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:59,280
where they go dressed
as the person they were in history.

314
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,400
Two Napoleons.

315
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,840
[audience laughing]

316
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,600
So at least one of 'em is fucking lying.

317
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,080
[audience laughing]

318
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,760
No reincarnation. No ghosts.

319
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,560
You seen all the ghost hunter shows?

320
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,600
Oh my God, hundreds of ghost hunter shows.

321
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,880
Years and years. Celebrity Ghost Hunter.

322
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,320
All around the world,

323
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,800
thousands and thousands
of hours of footage,

324
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,400
they've never seen a fucking ghost.
Not one.

325
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,800
It's all like, "What was that?
Oh, it's just the… No, not the…"

326
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:31,920
[audience laughing]

327
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,800
"Did you hear that? Oh, was it you?"

328
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,800
-"No."
-[audience laughing]

329
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:38,040
Imagine if wildlife programs
were like that.

330
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,240
[audience laughing]

331
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:42,200
Imagine watching David Attenborough
all these years and he goes,

332
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,840
"Here on Kilimanjaro, we see--"

333
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:46,040
"Oh, no, it's not…"

334
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,880
[audience laughing]

335
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,000
"And by the banks of the Limpopo,
the elusive--"

336
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:55,000
"Oh, it's not…"

337
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,600
[audience laughing]

338
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,160
You'd stop watching the cunt.

339
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:00,880
[audience laughing]

340
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,560
They've never seen a ghost.

341
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,840
The pedo hunter shows, on the other hand…

342
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,320
[audience laughing]

343
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,160
There's usually a couple in the crew
just in case.

344
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,240
-[audience laughing]
-Particularly if it's a BBC production.

345
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,520
Oh shut up!

346
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:18,040
[audience cheering and applauding]

347
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:23,160
There's no reincarnation,
no ghosts, no heaven, I believe.

348
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,400
People can't get over that.

349
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,960
People quiz me on Twitter
when they find out I'm an atheist.

350
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:28,920
They go,
"You don't believe in God at all?"

351
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,200
I go, "No."

352
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,280
"Do you pray?" I go, "No."

353
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,080
They go, "Why don't you pray
just in case there's a God?"

354
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,520
I say, "Why don't you put garlic
over your door

355
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,360
just in case there's a Dracula?"

356
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,000
-[audience laughing]
-I got no problem with praying.

357
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,800
I know loads of nice Christians
and Muslims and Jews,

358
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:49,000
and if one of my family is very ill,
they say, "I'll pray for them."

359
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,600
I say, "Thanks very much,"
'cause it's a nice gesture.

360
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,960
If they said,
"We also canceled the chemotherapy,"

361
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,080
-I'd go, "Don't do that. Don't do that."
-[audience laughing]

362
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,520
-"Pray? Fill your boots, son, but let's…"
-[audience laughing]

363
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:04,280
"Let's do the praying
and the chemotherapy, shall we?"

364
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,120
"'Cause that's the same result
as just the chemotherapy,

365
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,680
so let's… let's definitely keep that one,
shall we?"

366
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:11,880
[audience laughing]

367
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:16,280
I got in trouble talking about praying
on Twitter. Remember a few years ago,

368
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,840
that terrible disaster in Oklahoma,
the hurricane?

369
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,640
People lost their lives, their livelihood,
and I donated to the Red Cross.

370
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,560
I tweeted about it with a link saying,
"You can donate here too,"

371
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:26,920
trying to help them,

372
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,600
and one of those frivolous
entertainment magazines from America,

373
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,840
their account tweeted this thing
that annoyed me.

374
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,720
They tweeted, "Beyoncé and Rihanna
send prayers to Oklahoma."

375
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:40,080
And I tweeted back going,
"I feel like a cunt. I only sent money."

376
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,080
[audience laughing]

377
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,960
[audience cheering and applauding]

378
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,920
Someone tweeted me once,

379
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,160
"Would you come to the bedside
of a dying child

380
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,600
and tell them there's no heaven?"

381
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,720
I tweeted back, "Is it a paid gig?"

382
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,040
[audience laughing]

383
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,560
[Ricky laughing]

384
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:04,320
Oh…

385
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:05,520
[audience laughing]

386
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:09,040
I don't care whether you believe or not,
what you believe in, who you pray to.

387
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,800
Doesn't affect me.

388
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,800
I just think
that nature is super enough, you know?

389
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,160
I don't think we need angels and unicorns.
We've got the fucking octopus.

390
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,800
That actually exists.

391
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,480
Eight legs, nine brains,
three hearts, and a beak.

392
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,000
Make your fucking mind up!
What are you doing?

393
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,400
The duck-billed platypus, a monotreme.

394
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,440
When scientists first found that,
they thought it was a hoax

395
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,440
'cause it produces eggs and milk.

396
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:36,240
It could make its own custard.
It doesn't, but it… it could.

397
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,080
[audience laughing]

398
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,160
It could. It definitely could.

399
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,200
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

400
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:47,280
But even though we know the chances
of us existing at all are astronomical

401
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:48,720
and that life is so short,

402
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,040
we waste so much of it
worrying about stuff,

403
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:52,800
about things that might never happen,

404
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,800
about things that won't matter in a week,
let alone a year or ten.

405
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,960
I'm terrible. I worry. I'm a worrier.

406
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,880
I lay awake at night thinking,
"What if…" and all that,

407
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,480
and I hate being stressed.

408
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:06,160
So I try and rule stress out of my life,
which is really stressful

409
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,320
'cause I have to have
a plan A and a plan B and a plan C.

410
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:13,320
And if I do all my work, at home, I go,
"Right, militant. No work. Just relax."

411
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,240
"Just a glass of wine. Just relax."

412
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,640
If summat comes through the door,
I'm like, "What the fuck's that?"

413
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:19,720
[audience laughing]

414
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,800
It's usually money. [sighs] Um…

415
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,320
[audience laughing]

416
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,480
Right. [laughs]

417
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:29,000
And Jane, my girlfriend, she's like,
"Let's have a look, shall we?"

418
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,640
She tries to calm me down.
I've been with Jane now nearly 40 years.

419
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:33,880
And we've--

420
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,000
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you.

421
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,920
And we've always had cats

422
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,360
'cause Jane read early days that a cat
will make you live longer, de-stress you,

423
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,880
stops you having a heart attack and stroke
if you're wound up.

424
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,960
She was basically trying to save my life.

425
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,200
So we got cats. We've always had cats.

426
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,600
I think it works.
Like, if I'm really stressed,

427
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,720
I go, "Where's the cat?" Right?

428
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,480
Fell asleep. "Wake up!"

429
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,200
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

430
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,920
"What?" So, no, then I stroke the cat,
and I'm thinking, "Oh, I'm stressed."

431
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,480
"Look, she's so unstressed."

432
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,760
And I think, "That's unfair,"
and that stresses me out a little bit.

433
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,800
I've got the weight of the world
on my shoulders.

434
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,880
She's got nothing.
No conscience, no guilt.

435
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:12,280
You will never see a cat feeling guilty.
You will never go into a room

436
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,800
and see a cat like that,
"That's fucked up."

437
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,040
[audience laughing]

438
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,080
You go, "What's the matter?"

439
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,160
"What's the matter?" "Yeah."

440
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,280
"All the fucking shit in there.
That's what's the matter, mate."

441
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:24,360
[audience laughing]

442
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,880
"Like what?"
"Like… like that bloody mouse I killed."

443
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,680
[audience laughing]

444
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,560
"Probably had a family, didn't it?"

445
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:32,720
[audience laughing]

446
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,080
"Probably, yeah."

447
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,000
"I didn't have to torture it first."

448
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,200
[audience laughing]

449
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,520
-They don't give a fuck.
-[audience laughing]

450
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,920
If a cat was big enough,
it would kill you and eat you.

451
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,800
They're the opposite to dogs.

452
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,000
This sums up the difference
between cats and dogs once and for all.

453
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,760
The cat has got a barbed penis.

454
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,160
True. Google it.

455
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,920
Careful. Right, but…

456
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,080
[audience laughing]

457
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,720
A barbed penis, right? Two reasons.

458
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,400
One, it holds the female in place
during mating.

459
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:04,480
So it slides in easy,
then it goes, "Oh, run? Oh, you can't."

460
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:05,880
[audience laughing]

461
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,880
And, two, when it withdraws,
that pain causes the female to ovulate.

462
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,760
Think of a different way, mate.

463
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,280
And that makes me think
maybe there is a God

464
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:20,480
'cause, I mean, maybe he did cats and dogs
'cause they're--

465
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,080
He went, "Boom, there you go."

466
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,680
"Cats and dogs,
you're ballpark furry mammals."

467
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,280
"You live at home.
It's a good gig. You get fed.

468
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:31,400
"What sort of penis were you… hoping for?

469
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,920
"Dog." "Doesn't matter."

470
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,680
"Whatever you--
It'll be the best penis ever."

471
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,880
"Just summat that matches my onesie,
just a little, uh…"

472
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:39,920
[audience laughing]

473
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,880
"Maybe a little furry mound.
Summat lady dogs would like."

474
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:46,240
"A little furry mound
with a little pink lipstick in it."

475
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,320
[audience laughing]

476
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,800
"Furry lipstick. Good choice."

477
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,880
[audience laughing]

478
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,040
"Cat."

479
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,920
"Gimme a fuck-stalk with hooks."

480
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,000
[audience laughing]

481
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:09,560
The cat is the only animal
that domesticated itself. It's true.

482
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,520
Just wandered into civilization
about 10,000 years ago

483
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,600
and went, "Meow! Feed me," right?

484
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,760
They made the meow up for us.
They don't do that in the feral state.

485
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,880
"Meow!" They learned that we… "Aw!"

486
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,320
And it works. My cat goes, "Meow!" "Aw!"

487
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,600
I let my cat do anything it wants.
It can sleep or go where it wants.

488
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,560
If we get a parcel in the post,

489
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,240
if I undo it, right,
and if she gets in the box,

490
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,600
"Aw!" I can't throw it away.

491
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:36,120
We got about 17 all over the…

492
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,120
mansion.

493
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,200
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

494
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,480
And if we're watching telly,
me and Jane, if it gets in our lap,

495
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:46,880
such a privilege, we don't move.

496
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,880
Even if we need a wee,
we don't wanna disturb it.

497
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,480
The other one gets the drinks
all night. "Aw!"

498
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,840
And people say to me,
"You spoil that cat."

499
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,160
I go, "Yeah, I do. It's a cat."

500
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:57,680
It's not a person.

501
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,640
What's the worst that can happen
if you spoil a cat?

502
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,960
It doesn't grow up
to be fucking Boris Johnson. It's…

503
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:05,640
[audience laughing]

504
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,400
No, I don't… I don't get political. Um…

505
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,440
Although he is out of his depth, okay?

506
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:12,520
[audience laughing]

507
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:17,800
I mean, he started off by saying
women in burkas look like postboxes.

508
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:22,520
Now, it's not up to Boris Johnson
what a Muslim woman wears on her face.

509
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:23,960
It's up to her husband.

510
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,880
[audience laughing]

511
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:27,880
Not…

512
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,560
Not my rules. Not my rules.

513
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,000
[audience laughing]

514
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,560
This won't be in the special.

515
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,480
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

516
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,600
[Ricky laughing]

517
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,680
[audience applauding]

518
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:45,440
Edit.

519
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,000
[audience laughing]

520
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,640
Yeah, cats, in't they?

521
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,440
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

522
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,520
[audience cheering and applauding]

523
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,080
No, I… I do love cats. Um…

524
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,920
I really love dogs. We haven't got a dog
'cause we travel too much, usually.

525
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,720
But wherever we are in the world,
New York or London,

526
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,840
we go for a walk every day
just to meet dogs,

527
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,440
in Central Park or Hampstead Heath.

528
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,040
I know about 200 dogs by name now,

529
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,280
and you always meet
a few of your little friends,

530
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:19,160
and it sets me up for the day.
It's like my fucking heroin.

531
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,640
And if you meet a brand-new dog,
you go, "Hello,"

532
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,120
he's never met you before,
and if you're nice to it,

533
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,960
he's just met you,
and suddenly you're best--

534
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:29,280
He'd do anything for you.
"Need a kidney?" They are amazing, dogs.

535
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,920
It makes me laugh,
that sign people put on their house,

536
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,360
"Beware of the dog." That makes me
wanna go in the house to meet it.

537
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:38,480
So if you wanna keep me out of your house,

538
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:42,560
put up a sign that says,
I dunno, "Beware of the AIDS," you know?

539
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,160
[audience laughing]

540
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,280
Although that's not
as good as it was, is it, AIDS?

541
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:50,960
No, seriously,
it's like all diseases let you down,

542
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:51,960
but that was…

543
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:55,520
I mean, in its heyday,
it was fucking amazing, wasn't it, AIDS?

544
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:56,560
[audience laughing]

545
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,120
Coronavirus? Fuck off.

546
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:01,240
That couldn't…
couldn't hold a candle to AIDS.

547
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:02,520
[audience laughing]

548
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:06,320
In the '80s, two blokes talking,
it would be, "Oh, will you suck my cock?"

549
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,360
"Fuck off. You've got AIDS. I'd die."

550
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,320
Now it's, "Give it here.
I'll take pills for the rest of my life."

551
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:13,360
-There's no…
-[audience laughing]

552
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:20,480
But the bigots jumped on it in the '80s,
the Christian right,

553
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,800
all fundamentalists, actually,
by going, "This is God's wrath."

554
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,080
"This is God's punishment
for homosexuality."

555
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,280
Imagine thinking that.

556
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,920
What are you imagining
in your head to think that's true?

557
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,880
So you think God's in heaven, do you,

558
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,160
and he's looking down on civilization,

559
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,880
and he suddenly goes,
"I'm sick of all this bumming"?

560
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:39,440
[audience laughing]

561
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,920
"I mean, what the--"

562
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,520
"Oh, come on, lads! What's going-- What?"

563
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:44,800
[audience laughing]

564
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,040
"Oh, look at…"

565
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:48,600
"I've warned 'em. It's in the Bible."

566
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,440
"No bumming." Not in those words.

567
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:51,480
[audience laughing]

568
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:52,920
Leviticus 28:11.

569
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,280
"Any man who lieth with another man
as he doth a woman,

570
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,800
they are both an abomination
and shall surely be put to death."

571
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,560
-Basically, no bumming, right?
-[audience laughing]

572
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,360
So he went, "They're taking the piss.
I've gotta do summat."

573
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,040
"I know. AIDS." Like that.

574
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:09,400
Like he did with light,
just like, "Oh, it's dark. What can I do?"

575
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,800
"Light," right? "Let there be light."

576
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,440
The same with this. "Let there be AIDS."

577
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,080
"And there was AIDS."

578
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,760
Not on earth,
but up in his laboratory, right?

579
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:22,240
So he'd made the AIDS, all there,

580
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,800
horrible little things, right,
"There you are."

581
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:25,880
[growls]

582
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,720
You couldn't see 'em,
but he could see 'em.

583
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,720
[growls] Like that, right?

584
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,720
And he went, "Right, you're AIDS."
They went, "We're what?"

585
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,840
He went, "You're AIDS."
They went, "What's that?"

586
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,600
"It's, like, the worst disease ever."

587
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,000
They went, "Oh, brilliant." And he went…

588
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,640
Netflix have already bought this.
Fuck 'em, right?

589
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,880
[audience laughing]

590
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:47,880
"You're AIDS."

591
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:52,600
"Right, what do we do?"
"Right, I want you to kill homosexuals."

592
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:54,120
"Why?"

593
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,320
"I don't like watching 'em."

594
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:57,840
[audience laughing]

595
00:25:57,920 --> 00:25:59,200
"Don't watch 'em, then."

596
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,800
"I've got no choice. I'm omnipresent, so…"

597
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,400
"I'm watching
50 million people bumming right now."

598
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:07,600
[audience laughing]

599
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:09,080
"So, you know…"

600
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:10,680
"Right. So what do we do?"

601
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,920
"I'm gonna put you down on earth."
"Where?"

602
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,120
[sighs] "Africa, right?"

603
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:20,640
[audience laughing]

604
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:22,880
"Why Africa?"

605
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:25,040
"They're dying anyway."

606
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,720
[audience] Oh!

607
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:30,280
That's not me saying that, is it?
That's God. That's God saying that.

608
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:31,520
[audience laughing]

609
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:34,120
[sighs]

610
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:35,360
[audience laughing]

611
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,120
"Where-- where in Africa?"

612
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,360
"Oh, just in an arse, right?
I'm gonna put you in--"

613
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,640
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

614
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,360
"I'm gonna--" "In all the shit?"

615
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,120
"Yes, yes. I'm gonna put you in an arse."

616
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,880
"That is where you're gonna do a lot
of your best work through the 1980s."

617
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,400
[audience laughing]

618
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:55,840
"Right? So I'm gonna cram you
in an arse, right?"

619
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:57,000
"Then what?" "Right."

620
00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:00,720
"If a cock comes in,
that shouldn't be there, right?"

621
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,040
-"Get in the cock as well."
-[audience laughing]

622
00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:04,640
"What, all of us?" "No."

623
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,680
"Some of you get in the cock,
some of you stay in the arse

624
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:12,240
-in case another cock comes along."
-[audience laughing]

625
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,240
"And if I know this arse,
there will be another cock."

626
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,920
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

627
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,480
"So some of us get in the cock,
some of us stay in the arse."

628
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:24,960
"Yeah." "Then what?"

629
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,800
-"Kill 'em both, right?"
-[audience laughing]

630
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,400
"So kill all homosexuals?" "Exactly."

631
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:31,600
"What, even lesbians?"

632
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:34,520
-"No, not lesbians, right?"
-[audience laughing]

633
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:35,440
"Why?"

634
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,320
"'Cause I like watching them."

635
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,480
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

636
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,840
[audience applauding]

637
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:46,440
[Ricky laughing]

638
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,280
[audience laughing]

639
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,400
But all diseases let you down eventually,
not just AIDS. Um…

640
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,600
After AIDS, it was SARS, wasn't it?

641
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,000
Remember SARS?
"Ooh, gonna wipe out humanity."

642
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:00,920
Didn't. Then, uh, Ebola,

643
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,640
the flesh-eating disease.
"Ooh, Ebola's come to London!"

644
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,600
Some nurse got hot for the weekend
and that was it, right?

645
00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:10,760
Then Zika virus. Remember those babies
born with half a head?

646
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,520
"Zika virus!" "Don't worry about it."

647
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:13,880
"Oh, I'm pregnant!"

648
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,200
"Start knitting a hat."

649
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:16,800
-[audience laughing]
-You know?

650
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:21,560
Talking of abortion, um…

651
00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:23,560
[audience laughing]

652
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,080
Now, I don't wanna divide the room,

653
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:27,960
um, but I'm pro-choice.

654
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,040
I don't think it's anything to do with me
or any man

655
00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:31,800
what a woman does with her body.

656
00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:33,000
-But on the--
-[cheering]

657
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,800
Thank you. On the flip side,
there are people who are anti-abortion.

658
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,200
Not just people
who wouldn't have it for themselves.

659
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:39,640
They want no one to have it.

660
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,080
There's a small percentage
that are really militant.

661
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:44,680
Of those, there's a small percentage
that are fucking--

662
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,720
There's ones in America
that are like terrorists.

663
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,400
They bomb abortion clinics,
put fetuses through your door,

664
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:52,000
and they've got
this propaganda machine that goes,

665
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:55,440
"Liberals, they're aborting babies
at nine months,

666
00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:57,760
pulling them out of the vagina,
liquidizing them."

667
00:28:57,840 --> 00:28:59,920
Like, crazy conspiracy theory, right?

668
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:03,200
And now they've got the Internet.
So they've got fonts and memes.

669
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:04,840
It's like science to them.

670
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,480
And this thing goes round.
You've probably seen it.

671
00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:10,440
It goes…
I've heard different derivations of it,

672
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,800
like, "This was a real lecture,"
or, "This was a real questionnaire."

673
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,280
Nonsense. It's all made-up.
It goes like this.

674
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:19,920
"A woman is pregnant.
She already has five children."

675
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,000
"Two are deaf. Two are blind."

676
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:23,920
"One is mentally retarded."

677
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,880
"She has syphilis.
Should she have the baby?"

678
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:28,200
"No?"

679
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:30,720
"Well done. You've just killed Beethoven."

680
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,560
[audience laughing]

681
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:36,600
What are you talking…
That makes no fucking sense at all.

682
00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:38,680
Okay, keep it fair.
Let's do the opposing…

683
00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:41,960
So, okay, there's another woman.
She's pregnant.

684
00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:44,680
Two children, great hearing,
great eyesight, really smart.

685
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,160
She hasn't got syphilis.
Should she have the baby?

686
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:48,400
Yes?

687
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:50,680
Well done. You just gave birth to Hitler.

688
00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:52,880
[audience laughing]

689
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:57,320
Now, I don't wanna divide the room,
but I'm not a fan of Hitler.

690
00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:58,640
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

691
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:00,800
Hear me out. I've got my reasons.

692
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:02,280
Listen, listen, listen.

693
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:06,680
And it's sci-fi.
Whenever I see a sci-fi series,

694
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:10,240
there's always one where they invent
a time machine and try and kill Hitler.

695
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:12,920
And if they're successful,
they come back to the present,

696
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:16,000
and it's worse 'cause they've mucked up
the time-space continuum.

697
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:19,000
Of course it is.
You change the slightest thing in history,

698
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:20,560
it has a catastrophic effect.

699
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,200
I wouldn't change anything,
even if I could.

700
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,840
My life's too good.
I can't take that chance.

701
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:27,920
-Know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

702
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,280
If scientists came to me
and went, "We've sorted it."

703
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:33,240
"You don't have to go back in time.
Just press this button."

704
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,480
"It kills Hitler before the Holocaust,
before the war."

705
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:40,440
"The present is exactly the same,
except it makes you a bit more ginger,"

706
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:41,720
I'd go, "No."

707
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:44,360
[audience laughing]

708
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:45,760
"Why should I suffer?"

709
00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:48,520
[audience laughing]

710
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:50,640
But whenever you see
one of those fluff pieces,

711
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:53,520
whenever they ask in one
of those questionnaires celebrities do,

712
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:56,840
there's, "What's the first thing you'd do
if you had a time machine?"

713
00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,720
They all say,
"Oh, I'd go back and kill Hitler." Really?

714
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:03,040
You'd go back and buy Microsoft shares,
you fucking liar, right?

715
00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:04,080
[audience laughing]

716
00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:06,800
I've interviewed people
on my radio show in America,

717
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,880
and I always ask that question
for a laugh, and they all say,

718
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:11,840
"Oh, I'd go back and kill Hitler."

719
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:13,640
I go, "People tried at the time."

720
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:17,240
And now they say, "Oh no, I'd go back
and kill him when he was a baby."

721
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,240
So you'd go back
and find baby Hitler, right,

722
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:23,000
who hasn't done anything wrong yet,

723
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,080
-and just strangle him?
-[audience laughing]

724
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:29,080
Also, have you seen Hitler
when he was a baby?

725
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:32,200
Oh my God, absolutely adorable.

726
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:33,320
Look at that.

727
00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:34,600
[audience laughing]

728
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:37,400
-Look at his little face!
-[audience laughing]

729
00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:39,760
You'd go back,
and you'd go, "Is that Hitler?"

730
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:43,520
"Yeah."
You'd go, "Oh, you little Nazi, you!"

731
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,160
[audience laughing]

732
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,080
I know what you're thinking.
Why have I got a picture of…

733
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,560
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

734
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:52,440
…baby Hitler on my phone?

735
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:53,800
That's my business.

736
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:55,480
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

737
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,320
What if I do masturbate over it?

738
00:31:57,400 --> 00:31:59,000
-[audience laughing]
-What?

739
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,120
What if that's the only thing
I masturbate over?

740
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:03,000
There's no victim, no crime.

741
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,680
You could call the police now,
have them come to my house,

742
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,200
and they'd say,
"We heard you admitted you're a nonce."

743
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:12,080
I'd go, "Yeah, but only for pictures
of dead baby Hitler," right?

744
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:15,680
I'd go, "Check the rule book."
And they'd go, "Yeah, good as gold."

745
00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:17,200
-[audience laughing]
-Right.

746
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,720
"Do you wanna see where I masturbate?"
"Yeah, go on."

747
00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:23,720
So I take them down
to the wanktorium, right?

748
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,240
-[audience laughing]
-It's basically a converted wine cellar.

749
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,240
But it's that picture
blown up 100 times, right,

750
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:34,520
just around the walls, like that,
dripping with 40 years of come.

751
00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:35,960
[audience laughing]

752
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:38,400
I've only lived there five years,
so I don't know…

753
00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:40,480
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

754
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,000
That won't be in. Um…

755
00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:43,560
[audience laughing]

756
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,880
No, but, uh, people do
have a problem with Hitler. Um…

757
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:50,080
-[Ricky laughs]
-[audience laughing]

758
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:53,240
They wanna go back and kill him,
and I say, "Chill."

759
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:56,760
"Hitler is the man
who killed Hitler, in't he?"

760
00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:58,360
Give him his due.

761
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:01,960
Due. D-U-E.

762
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:03,760
[audience laughing]

763
00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,560
I don't worry about dying. Um…

764
00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:09,560
Or I don't worry about being dead
'cause I won't know about it.

765
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:12,280
That is the best thing about being dead.
You don't know about it.

766
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,560
It's the same as being stupid, right?

767
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,520
-[audience laughing]
-It's only painful for others, right?

768
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:21,560
I worry about how I die.
I don't wanna die alone in agony,

769
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,920
or I don't wanna be found
in a wardrobe hanging by a belt,

770
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:26,920
wearing ladies' tights,

771
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:29,480
covered in amyl nitrate, know what I mean?

772
00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:32,680
I'm not into that shit,
so if I am found like that,

773
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:35,600
just know that one of my mates
has stitched me up, right?

774
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:37,160
[audience laughing]

775
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:40,200
I don't worry about dying.

776
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:43,480
I don't do anything towards not dying,
if you know what I mean.

777
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:46,200
I eat and drink too much every day,
have done for 40 years.

778
00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:47,880
Day and night, I eat and drink too much.

779
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:50,920
People say to me,
"Rick, if you gave up the booze,

780
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:52,360
you'd live an extra ten years."

781
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:55,240
I go, "But they're the last ten years,
the shit ten years."

782
00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:56,960
I don't want them, right?

783
00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,640
If I gave up booze now and I made it to 80

784
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,720
and someone said,
"You can have an extra ten years,"

785
00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:04,800
if I could go,
"Oh, great, I'll have 20 to 30 again,"

786
00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:08,240
that'd be perfect,
but, no, you gotta have 80 to 90.

787
00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:12,480
Have you any idea
how awful it is being 90, right?

788
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:15,160
I've seen 90-year-olds
sitting in an armchair,

789
00:34:15,240 --> 00:34:17,320
and they go, "Argh!" And you go, "What?"

790
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:20,280
They go,
"I've broken every bone in my body!"

791
00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:23,560
'Cause they're brittle.
They've got dust for blood.

792
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:25,200
They bruise up blood clots.

793
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:28,200
They got hernias
popping out everywhere, right?

794
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:31,680
If you're 90 years old
and you get to the kitchen by yourself

795
00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:34,960
to make a cup of tea,
if you lift that kettle and it's too full,

796
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,640
there's a very good chance
your stomach'll come out of your arsehole.

797
00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:40,720
[audience laughing]

798
00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:47,360
So eat and drink as much as you want
and just fucking die is my advice.

799
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:49,760
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-Thank you.

800
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,280
[laughs] I should say I'm not a doctor.

801
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:56,920
-[laughing]
-[audience laughing]

802
00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,120
I do see a doctor
once a year or once every two years.

803
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:03,560
I have to have medicals
for things like this and TV shows,

804
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,600
and, uh, I go private, right?

805
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:09,000
It's 600 quid. It's three hours long.
But they do everything.

806
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:12,640
Blood sample, stool sample, urine sample,

807
00:35:12,720 --> 00:35:14,960
ECG, ears, nose, throat,

808
00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:18,120
bollocks, the finger. Everything, right?

809
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:21,800
And you have to fill out
this big form, write a lifestyle thing.

810
00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:23,440
That takes fucking ages.

811
00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:27,040
I tell the truth, except units of alcohol.

812
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:28,880
I work those out,

813
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,360
-then I halve them, right?
-[audience laughing]

814
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:33,680
And when he gets to those,
he still goes,

815
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,800
-"That's an awful lot."
-[audience laughing]

816
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:38,200
And I think I've won. I go, "Is it?"

817
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:39,520
[audience laughing]

818
00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,600
And, uh, at the end of the three hours,

819
00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:44,760
they've got all the results
back from the lab,

820
00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:48,640
and he's got this big computer…
It's like body composition.

821
00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:52,520
And from there, they work out
your percentage chance of a stroke,

822
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:54,920
heart attack in one year,
five years, ten years,

823
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:56,840
and mine's always about the same.

824
00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:59,760
It always gets worse with age.
Nothing you can do about that.

825
00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:03,240
But I'm always like…
I'm at the end of healthy weight.

826
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,400
I'm just nearly obese.
I'm just right, oh, like that.

827
00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:09,160
I was prediabetic once.
I had to sort that out.

828
00:36:09,240 --> 00:36:11,720
And now I'm pre-gout, right?

829
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:12,800
[audience laughing]

830
00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:14,080
Pre-gout, right?

831
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:17,800
And so he tells you all that and goes,
"So, what are we gonna do about this?"

832
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,160
And I wanna go, "What do you mean, 'we'?"

833
00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:23,120
"I've just made you
600 quid, mate, right?"

834
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:24,200
[audience laughing]

835
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,800
"You're gonna fix it,
and I'm gonna carry on."

836
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:30,320
You don't take a car to the garage
and he goes, "Tires are bald."

837
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,000
"Big end's gone. What are we gonna do?"

838
00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:34,640
"You're gonna fix it, mate,
and I'm gonna pay you."

839
00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:35,800
[audience laughing]

840
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:39,120
He went,
"You need more fiber in your diet."

841
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:42,160
I wanted to go,
"Get me wine with fiber in it, then."

842
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:46,520
"I can afford anything.
You must be able to invent that."

843
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:49,880
He said, "You're heavily constipated."

844
00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:52,280
I wanted to go,
"Get in there with a spoon, son."

845
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:54,240
[audience laughing]

846
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,120
And then they always leave it
right to the end. They don't even look up.

847
00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:05,840
They go,
"And can I give you a rectal exam?"

848
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:08,640
Which means I have to go, "Yes, please."

849
00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:11,800
I just--
I want them to surprise me on the way out.

850
00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:12,720
"Bye." "Bye."

851
00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:15,440
-"And that's fine." "Thank you."
-[audience laughing]

852
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:18,240
But there's a big build-up.
And as they're washing their hands,

853
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:21,160
they've gotta say,
"Oh, um, would you like a chaperone?"

854
00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:24,040
So you're gonna have
your finger up my arse,

855
00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:26,720
and now you got a mate watching?
No, just do it.

856
00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:28,960
[audience laughing]

857
00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:32,160
And they lay you on this bench,
on your back to start with,

858
00:37:32,240 --> 00:37:36,320
pants and trousers round your ankles,
knees apart like a little frog.

859
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:39,240
-[audience laughing]
-And they do the balls first, right.

860
00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:42,080
And I'm nervous at a doctor,
I'm really nervous,

861
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:44,680
-so I've got no balls, right?
-[audience laughing]

862
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:48,120
He has to dig them out
like a tortoise's head, know what I mean?

863
00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:52,000
It's just like a little fist of fear
down there. It's… [laughs]

864
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:55,840
And I fucking hate it. I go… [gagging]

865
00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:57,720
-Like that, right?
-[audience laughing]

866
00:37:57,800 --> 00:37:59,960
I still… It's horrible, right?

867
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:02,640
And then they turn you on the side
and lube you up

868
00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:04,720
and go… the finger up the arse.
That's great.

869
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,800
-Not great. That's not why I go, but…
-[audience laughing]

870
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:10,880
"Me again."
"You were here yesterday." "Come on."

871
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:12,440
[audience laughing]

872
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,720
But this one time, it was an old man, and…

873
00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:19,040
It was still a doctor,
not just an old man.

874
00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:19,960
[audience laughing]

875
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:23,360
"Doctor said he couldn't make it,
so I thought I'd… I'd have a go."

876
00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:24,480
[audience laughing]

877
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:26,720
There was a sort of, like, old-school GP.

878
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,880
He was about 75,
little shirt and tie, tweed jacket.

879
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:33,920
And he was sitting on an armchair,
and he didn't put me on the bench.

880
00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:37,600
I was just standing up, and he went,
"Just pop your pants and trousers down."

881
00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:39,000
So I just…

882
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:42,720
So he was little--
So he was head-height to my balls,

883
00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:46,280
and, as I say, I'm nervous at the doctor,

884
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:47,760
so I jabber. I talk.

885
00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:51,240
I think, "If I put 'em off,
they won't find the cancer."

886
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:53,840
And so he started doing the balls,

887
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,640
and I went,
"What are you looking for there, exactly?"

888
00:38:56,720 --> 00:38:58,920
And they usually go, "Shush," and they go…

889
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:01,240
And he didn't.
He went, "That's a good question."

890
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:05,040
And he sat back, and he started
telling me all about cancer.

891
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:08,160
So now I'm just having a chat, right?

892
00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:10,000
[audience laughing]

893
00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:13,320
And he went on for ages.
He was loving it, right?

894
00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:16,320
And I remember it felt rude to do that,

895
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:18,640
so I was going, "Oh, right, right."

896
00:39:18,720 --> 00:39:22,520
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

897
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:30,480
I do work out a bit.

898
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:35,640
Um, I actually joined a gym,
literally on my road, I discovered.

899
00:39:35,720 --> 00:39:38,760
I've got a gym in my house.
I got bored with that. I, uh…

900
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:43,160
But I thought, "If I join the gym,
if I pay a year in advance,

901
00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:45,640
I'll try and get value for money.
That'll make me go."

902
00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:48,200
Then I remembered,
"Oh, I'm fucking rich. It doesn't…"

903
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:49,320
[audience laughing]

904
00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:51,800
I could join a different gym
every day for a laugh.

905
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,520
Just go along and go,
"There's £2,000." "See you tomorrow."

906
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:55,880
"You'll never see me again."

907
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:58,200
[audience laughing]

908
00:39:58,280 --> 00:40:01,320
And, uh, I go about once a month,

909
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:03,680
and I sort of do
ten minutes on the machines,

910
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:05,240
and I run home, like that.

911
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:06,880
I don't use the changing rooms.

912
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:09,040
I've got a thing
about public changing rooms.

913
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:11,240
I always have, and I'll tell you why.

914
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:13,640
I don't know if it's the same
in ladies' changing rooms,

915
00:40:13,720 --> 00:40:16,440
but men are so proud
of their offal, right?

916
00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:19,720
If I'm in a public place,
I have a shower, one minute,

917
00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:22,320
towel, corner, pants on, right?

918
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:26,120
There's blokes walking around naked
before the shower, talking.

919
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:27,800
"How you doing?" After the shower.

920
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:30,000
There was one bloke
in the shower way too long.

921
00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:31,400
He took ages, right?

922
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:34,480
And he got out,
no towel, just dripping wet,

923
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:38,600
just went up to the mirror
and started doing his hair first.

924
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:40,320
[audience laughing]

925
00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:43,960
There was me and this really fat bloke
once in the changing room.

926
00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:46,120
I was getting changed,
and he was really big.

927
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,360
Like, 350 pounds, right?

928
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:52,040
And he was naked
on one of those precision scales.

929
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:55,720
And he was there
for fucking ages like that, and I was…

930
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:57,560
He was like that for ages.

931
00:40:57,640 --> 00:41:01,760
I wanted to run over and go,
"Mate, you'll never be an astronaut."

932
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,120
-[audience laughing]
-"It doesn't need to be this accurate.

933
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:07,000
"Just pop some pants on
and take a fucking gram off."

934
00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:09,600
I'm not having a go at fat people.
As I say, I'm fat.

935
00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:12,280
I'm overweight. Know why?
'Cause I eat and drink too much.

936
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,400
That's what does it.
I don't judge fat people.

937
00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:16,840
I just know how they got fat.
If I see a fat person,

938
00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:18,920
I go, "Well done," you know?

939
00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:23,120
"You've eaten way more
than you'll ever need, same as me," right?

940
00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:26,760
If I see a fat couple,
I go, "Yeah, that works," right?

941
00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:30,160
But then as they're walking along
and you see their little fat toddlers

942
00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:32,320
and you go, "Aw, that's not fair," right?

943
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:33,520
[audience laughing]

944
00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:35,560
And the mother always goes,
"They love cake."

945
00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:37,600
'Course they love cake!

946
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:39,760
They're baby mammals.

947
00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:43,040
We're the same species
as we were, like, 200,000 years ago.

948
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:45,280
We've got a hunter-gatherer brain, right?

949
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:48,640
All this affluence
is so much faster than our human biology.

950
00:41:48,720 --> 00:41:51,440
So when you get
one of those cakes from the supermarket

951
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,520
that's packed with fats and sugar,

952
00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:55,920
your brain goes,
"Fucking hell, that's amazing!"

953
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,000
"Keep eating that.
There might not be food tomorrow."

954
00:41:58,080 --> 00:41:59,760
But there will be food tomorrow.

955
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:03,240
The fridge is full, and your mum's
on the phone to Ocado. Know what I mean?

956
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:04,560
[audience laughing]

957
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:06,280
Now there's even a stigma.

958
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:09,360
Doctors get in trouble for saying
to someone, "You're overweight."

959
00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:10,800
No, that's a political--

960
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:14,480
No, it's like fat shaming.
You don't get cancer shaming.

961
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:16,200
He's trying to save your life.

962
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:19,360
There was a school
that tried to ban the word "obese"

963
00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:22,840
'cause they said it was derogatory to…
I don't know what to call 'em.

964
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:24,640
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

965
00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:27,480
-Round children, right?
-[audience laughing]

966
00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:29,240
But that's the polite word.

967
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:32,560
That's the word we invented
so we didn't say "fat little fucker."

968
00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:36,640
Don't… Don't keep changing words
'cause one person gets offended.

969
00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:39,320
Also, fat people
aren't offended by the word "obese."

970
00:42:39,400 --> 00:42:41,680
They did it all.
They're jolly, aren't they?

971
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:44,920
They're jolly. You see a fat boy,
you go, "All right, fatty?"

972
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:47,600
-[laughing] "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
-[audience laughing]

973
00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:49,360
[laughing] "Oh yeah!"

974
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:50,360
Blop, blop, blop.

975
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:52,560
[laughing] "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"

976
00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:54,680
And they go to the doctor.
"Come in." [laughs]

977
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,880
Blop. [laughs]

978
00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:58,280
Doctor goes, "Fuck me."

979
00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:00,120
Oh. [laughs]

980
00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:01,160
"Am I obese?"

981
00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:02,320
[laughing]

982
00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:03,800
"No, you're morbidly obese."

983
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:04,800
[laughing]

984
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:05,880
[audience laughing]

985
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:07,720
"What does that mean?" [laughs]

986
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:09,640
"Means you'll die of it." "Oh, does it?"

987
00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:10,720
"All right."

988
00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:12,080
[audience laughing]

989
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:13,720
"What, straight away, or…"

990
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:17,440
"No, you've got diabetes,
so you'll have your legs amputated soon."

991
00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:23,520
"And if you carry on, you'll die later
of stroke and respiratory, heart failure."

992
00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:24,640
"Oh, right."

993
00:43:24,720 --> 00:43:25,760
[audience laughing]

994
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:27,480
"Is there anything I can do?"

995
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:30,240
"Of course.
Start working out and eat healthy."

996
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:32,680
"You'll be right as rain." "Oh, right."

997
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:34,040
"But you won't, will ya?"

998
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,320
[audience laughing]

999
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:38,160
"No. No."

1000
00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:40,280
I feel sorry for them,
even though it's their fault.

1001
00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:42,560
When you see
one of those documentaries on telly,

1002
00:43:42,640 --> 00:43:44,680
like The 600 Pound Man or summat,

1003
00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:48,600
and he's being winched out of his house
to go to hospital, right?

1004
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,200
If you're dangling from a crane, right…

1005
00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:52,800
[audience laughing]

1006
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:54,000
Right?

1007
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:56,080
[audience laughing]

1008
00:43:57,240 --> 00:44:00,200
And you see a film crew, right…

1009
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:01,800
[audience laughing]

1010
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:03,000
[Ricky sighs]

1011
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:04,800
…you know you fucked it.

1012
00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:06,640
[audience laughing]

1013
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:14,560
And then, you know, as I say,
they wake up the next day.

1014
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:16,120
They've had their legs amputated.

1015
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:18,840
It's really sad,
and they're crying, and I'm crying.

1016
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:22,320
They're going, "Why did I let it
go this far? I'm so stupid."

1017
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:24,080
Then they get philosophical about it,

1018
00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:27,280
and they go,
"I never really used the legs, so…"

1019
00:44:27,360 --> 00:44:28,800
[audience laughing]

1020
00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:31,760
-And by then, it's lunchtime, and so…
-[audience laughing]

1021
00:44:31,840 --> 00:44:35,160
And they go to the nurse,
"Didn't throw them legs away, did you?"

1022
00:44:35,240 --> 00:44:37,960
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

1023
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:41,000
[audience cheering and applauding]

1024
00:44:45,720 --> 00:44:49,520
Guys, do you ever act
more working class around builders?

1025
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:50,800
[audience laughing]

1026
00:44:50,880 --> 00:44:54,600
I do. I can be walking around
leafy Hampstead, right.

1027
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:57,280
-Book of poems, right.
-[audience laughing]

1028
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,280
-Scarf, right.
-[audience laughing]

1029
00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:02,120
-Just humming Brahms, right.
-[audience laughing]

1030
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:05,880
And some scaffolders go, "Ricky!"
"All right, cunts! How you doin', boys?"

1031
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:08,240
-[audience laughing]
-And I don't know why I do it.

1032
00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:12,080
[laughing] I don't know why…
why I try and impress them.

1033
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:16,200
I've always been fascinated
with human behavior, right?

1034
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:17,720
But as I said at the beginning,

1035
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:21,160
we're the only species that allows
the universe to understand itself.

1036
00:45:21,240 --> 00:45:25,560
But we see all nature through our eyes,
so it all comes back to us.

1037
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:29,960
Why are we here? What makes us?
Is it our genetics or the environment?

1038
00:45:30,040 --> 00:45:31,840
The old nature versus nurture argument.

1039
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:35,680
The psychologist Piaget was once asked,

1040
00:45:35,760 --> 00:45:39,320
"What's more important for the intellect
of a person? Nature or nurture?"

1041
00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:42,800
And he replied, "What's more important
for the area of a field?"

1042
00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:44,560
"Length or width?"

1043
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:46,960
All right, if you don't know the answer,
just fucking…

1044
00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:49,120
[audience laughing]

1045
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:55,880
But psychology, psychiatry,
neuroscience, it's still in its infancy,

1046
00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:58,600
and we still know
so little about the brain.

1047
00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:02,840
And 150 years ago, we knew nothing.
It was just… It was all guesswork, right?

1048
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:05,240
And, uh, like, everything was just mental.

1049
00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:09,840
If you weren't a white, heterosexual,
married, Christian man, right,

1050
00:46:09,920 --> 00:46:12,200
if you deviated too far, "Mental."

1051
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:16,160
They just went, "Mental," like that.
Homosexuality? "Mental. Mental illness."

1052
00:46:16,240 --> 00:46:18,840
You were put in an asylum for life,
or worse, tortured.

1053
00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:22,080
Women who fell pregnant
out of wedlock, "Mental."

1054
00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:23,800
Asylum for life, right?

1055
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:26,960
And now we understand things more.
We're more tolerant. We're…

1056
00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:30,160
I think it's going too far
the other way, though,

1057
00:46:30,240 --> 00:46:34,240
because now nothing's mental.
You can't find summat that someone's…

1058
00:46:34,320 --> 00:46:36,280
Nothing is considered mental.

1059
00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:41,360
Everything is a syndrome
or an addiction or a preference, right?

1060
00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:44,400
I could have my legs removed,
have wheels put on,

1061
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:46,640
identify as a pram, right…

1062
00:46:46,720 --> 00:46:49,000
[audience laughing]

1063
00:46:49,080 --> 00:46:52,080
And if you say I'm mental,
you're a bigot, right?

1064
00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:53,640
[audience laughing]

1065
00:46:53,720 --> 00:46:56,040
That's a bit hack,
that joke, now, isn't it?

1066
00:46:56,120 --> 00:46:58,880
"Identify as a thing, then."
It's a bit old-fashioned,

1067
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:02,360
but I'm gonna leave it in
to annoy people, right?

1068
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:05,000
Because that's the bit
that'll offend people.

1069
00:47:05,080 --> 00:47:06,480
Same as humanity.

1070
00:47:06,560 --> 00:47:09,840
I talk about AIDS, famine,
cancer, the Holocaust,

1071
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:11,280
rape, pedophilia,

1072
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:14,360
but the one thing you mustn't joke about
is identity politics.

1073
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:17,440
The one thing you should never joke about
is the trans issue.

1074
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:19,240
"They just wanna be treated equally."

1075
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:21,560
I agree. That's why I include them.

1076
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:22,880
[audience laughing]

1077
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:24,120
You know?

1078
00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:25,960
[audience cheering and applauding]

1079
00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:31,560
But they know
I'm joking about all the other stuff,

1080
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:34,440
but they go,
"No, he must mean that," right?

1081
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:38,000
Like a joke is a window
to the comedian's true soul.

1082
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,080
It's just… That's just not the case.

1083
00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:43,520
I'll take on any view
to make the joke funniest.

1084
00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:46,400
I'll pretend to be right wing.
I'll pretend to be left wing.

1085
00:47:46,480 --> 00:47:49,120
I'll pretend to be clever.
I'll pretend to be stupid.

1086
00:47:49,200 --> 00:47:51,640
Whatever makes the joke funnier,
without prejudice.

1087
00:47:51,720 --> 00:47:53,160
Okay, full disclosure.

1088
00:47:53,240 --> 00:47:55,560
In real life,
of course I support trans rights.

1089
00:47:55,640 --> 00:47:59,000
I support all human rights,
and trans rights are human rights.

1090
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:02,760
Live your best life.
Use your preferred pronouns.

1091
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:05,200
Be the gender that you feel that you are.

1092
00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:08,480
But meet me halfway, ladies.
Lose the cock. That's all I'm saying.

1093
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:11,160
[audience laughing and applauding]

1094
00:48:12,240 --> 00:48:13,280
That's all--

1095
00:48:13,360 --> 00:48:15,400
[audience applauding]

1096
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:17,320
[audience laughing]

1097
00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:20,920
And it's mad to think joking
about summat means you're anti-it.

1098
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:22,960
Like, I made a joke about self-ID.

1099
00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:26,600
In fact, I wish self-ID
had been around when I was a kid.

1100
00:48:26,680 --> 00:48:28,360
I'd have used it to get shit.

1101
00:48:28,440 --> 00:48:29,720
I'd have gone to my mum.

1102
00:48:29,800 --> 00:48:32,560
"Mum, I'm trans." She'd have gone, "What?"

1103
00:48:32,640 --> 00:48:35,840
I'd have gone,
"I'm either trans or I need a new bike."

1104
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:37,480
[audience laughing]

1105
00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:39,920
She'd have gone, "You need a new bike."

1106
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:43,160
-[audience laughing]
-I'd have gone, "You're the boss."

1107
00:48:43,240 --> 00:48:45,000
[audience laughing]

1108
00:48:46,840 --> 00:48:49,920
But I, uh… I grew up in the '60s. Jesus.

1109
00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:54,520
I had, like, Victorian parents.
We hadn't heard of any of this.

1110
00:48:54,600 --> 00:48:56,520
But what if I was a teenager now

1111
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:59,160
in these really woke,
progressive times, right,

1112
00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:02,960
and I had really cool,
hippie parents, right,

1113
00:49:03,040 --> 00:49:05,160
and I went, "Mother, Father, I'm trans"?

1114
00:49:05,240 --> 00:49:07,800
They'd go,
"Oh goody, that's so fucking trendy."

1115
00:49:07,880 --> 00:49:09,040
[audience laughing]

1116
00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:11,320
And my dad would go,
"Bagsy I pick the vagina."

1117
00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:13,400
I'd go, "Thank you, Daddy," right?

1118
00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:15,680
-Pfft. Right?
-[audience laughing]

1119
00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:18,600
Then there'd be a montage,
and I'd go to hospital.

1120
00:49:18,680 --> 00:49:20,840
I'd have all the electrolysis.
I'd grow my hair.

1121
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:23,200
I'd have… I'd have a big fanny, I think.

1122
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:27,000
No. No, if someone else is paying,
I'll have the big one. Know what I mean?

1123
00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:30,560
"Dad trying to buy me with minge.
Fuck you, Dad." Right?

1124
00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:34,040
Big fanny, boobs, right, and, uh… Pfft.

1125
00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:36,440
-Right? -[laughing]
-[audience laughing]

1126
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:39,440
No, I'd… I'd come out, and I'd emerge.

1127
00:49:39,520 --> 00:49:41,760
I'd be a real woman. I'd be Vicky Gervais.

1128
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:44,360
-I'd be Vicky Gervais, right?
-[audience laughing]

1129
00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:46,640
Yeah. No, I'd be a real woman, right?

1130
00:49:46,720 --> 00:49:50,960
And you can't change your sexuality,
so I find women attractive, so I'd be…

1131
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:52,000
I'd be a lesbian.

1132
00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:56,440
I'd be a little lesbian fella
called, um, Vicky Gervais, right?

1133
00:49:56,520 --> 00:50:00,760
Right? And I'd probably be a butch lesbian
'cause of all the testosterone till then.

1134
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:02,400
Also, I like the fashion.

1135
00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:03,960
Jeans, black T-shirt,

1136
00:50:04,040 --> 00:50:05,520
short hair,

1137
00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:06,440
beard!

1138
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:07,360
No, I'd be…

1139
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:09,960
No, I'd be a real lesbian
called Vicky Gervais,

1140
00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:11,360
lesbian about town, right?

1141
00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:14,160
And so, I'd, uh…
I'd go down to Brighton, right,

1142
00:50:14,240 --> 00:50:18,000
and, uh, I'd go into a lesbian bar, right,

1143
00:50:18,080 --> 00:50:19,360
and I'd go, "Hi."

1144
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:22,880
Pool table. Winner stays on.
I'd be there all fucking night. Voom.

1145
00:50:22,960 --> 00:50:24,960
-Right?
-[audience laughing]

1146
00:50:26,120 --> 00:50:27,120
All right.

1147
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:32,120
This joke isn't worth it
for the punchline. The punchline is shit.

1148
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:34,320
So just enjoy the journey, right?

1149
00:50:34,400 --> 00:50:38,440
[laughs] Anyway, so I look around,
and I find one of those pretty lesbians.

1150
00:50:38,520 --> 00:50:39,760
[laughs]

1151
00:50:39,840 --> 00:50:42,840
This is so childish
and misinformed, it hurts.

1152
00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:45,200
I'm gonna leave it in though. Right, so…

1153
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:47,640
No, I'd find a pretty lesbian. I'd…

1154
00:50:47,720 --> 00:50:50,200
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

1155
00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:52,000
This is pathetic, right?

1156
00:50:52,080 --> 00:50:53,280
Even for me.

1157
00:50:53,360 --> 00:50:55,760
I can't do this
with a fucking straight face!

1158
00:50:55,840 --> 00:50:57,840
Right, right, right…

1159
00:50:57,920 --> 00:50:59,160
[Ricky laughing]

1160
00:50:59,240 --> 00:51:01,000
And I'd go over like that.

1161
00:51:01,080 --> 00:51:04,400
I'd go, "Hi. Are you a lesbian?"
She'd go, "Yeah. Are you a lesbian?"

1162
00:51:04,480 --> 00:51:06,400
I'd go, "Yeah, just a bit. Look at that."

1163
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:07,960
[audience laughing]

1164
00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:11,280
She'd go, "That is a lovely fanny."
I'd go, "Fucking cost enough."

1165
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:12,880
She'd go, "What?" "Nothing."

1166
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:15,200
And then I'd be wooing her, right?

1167
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:16,560
I'd be doing all the…

1168
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:18,880
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

1169
00:51:18,960 --> 00:51:21,280
I'd be complimenting her
on her lezzie ways.

1170
00:51:21,360 --> 00:51:23,080
-I'd go, uh…
-[audience laughing]

1171
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:25,880
I'd go, "Oh,"
I'd go, "I love your Doc Martens," right?

1172
00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:27,360
She'd go, "Oh, thanks."

1173
00:51:27,440 --> 00:51:29,320
-Pfft. Right?
-[audience laughing]

1174
00:51:29,400 --> 00:51:31,840
[speaking indistinctly] Pfft.

1175
00:51:31,920 --> 00:51:33,400
[audience laughing]

1176
00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:36,480
I'd go, "Oh, those are big earrings."
"Yeah." Right?

1177
00:51:36,560 --> 00:51:38,960
Then she'd go, "Wanna come back
to my place and lez off?"

1178
00:51:39,040 --> 00:51:40,440
I'd go, "Yeah, just a bit."

1179
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:43,080
So we go back. We get naked.

1180
00:51:43,160 --> 00:51:45,440
-I boob her up. I don't know what…
-[audience laughing]

1181
00:51:45,520 --> 00:51:48,400
Minge her off? I'd do that one.
I'd do that one.

1182
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:50,440
Definitely do that one, right?

1183
00:51:50,520 --> 00:51:52,960
I'd google it.
I'd fucking google it, right?

1184
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:54,280
And I'd… Right.

1185
00:51:54,360 --> 00:51:57,640
She'd go, "You wanna wear a strap-on dildo
and give me a good seeing to?"

1186
00:51:57,720 --> 00:52:00,120
I'd go, "Yeah." So I'd put a strap-on on.

1187
00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:02,800
I'd put the big dildo there
on my new fanny like that

1188
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:04,240
and tie it at the back.

1189
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:06,680
And that's when I'd kick myself.

1190
00:52:06,760 --> 00:52:09,520
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

1191
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:12,760
[audience cheering and applauding]

1192
00:52:12,840 --> 00:52:14,600
[Ricky laughing]

1193
00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:17,280
I told you it was shit, didn't I tell you?

1194
00:52:17,360 --> 00:52:19,200
[Ricky laughing]

1195
00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:20,640
Oh God.

1196
00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:22,480
[audience laughing]

1197
00:52:22,560 --> 00:52:23,800
Oh.

1198
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:29,320
But one thing that isn't ambiguous
whether it's nature or nurture is racism.

1199
00:52:29,400 --> 00:52:33,000
No one's born racist.
You've gotta learn that shit, okay?

1200
00:52:33,080 --> 00:52:37,680
And, okay, I don't wanna divide the room.
I'm not a fan of racism. Um…

1201
00:52:37,760 --> 00:52:39,840
No, hear me out, right? I…

1202
00:52:40,360 --> 00:52:44,000
I don't care whether you're Black,
white, brown, European, African--

1203
00:52:44,080 --> 00:52:47,080
You're going, "That's all right,
Black, white, brown, European, African."

1204
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:49,520
"What about the fucking Eskimos?"
Racist, right?

1205
00:52:50,120 --> 00:52:53,080
"They're fucking weird, Rick."
They are not weird, just different.

1206
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:56,760
"They live in the snow." Yeah,
that is their little house, the snow. So?

1207
00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:59,080
"They wear a dead sea lion
for their clo--"

1208
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:01,200
Yes, that's their clothes.
A dead sea lion.

1209
00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:03,320
But here's the thing about racism.

1210
00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:08,280
You drag one out of his hole in the snow
and peel him out of his sea lion outfit,

1211
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:11,280
and he's standing there naked,
you take a closer look.

1212
00:53:11,360 --> 00:53:13,320
He's basically a cold Chinaman.

1213
00:53:13,400 --> 00:53:15,520
[audience laughing]

1214
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:16,560
So…

1215
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:18,560
[audience laughing]

1216
00:53:18,640 --> 00:53:21,560
[Ricky laughing]

1217
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:28,800
I know you can't say
"Chinaman" anymore, right?

1218
00:53:28,880 --> 00:53:29,840
[audience laughing]

1219
00:53:29,920 --> 00:53:31,560
I can't believe you ever could

1220
00:53:31,640 --> 00:53:36,160
because that is the laziest labeling
of a demographic I've ever heard.

1221
00:53:36,240 --> 00:53:38,240
So the first one lands on our shores,

1222
00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:40,520
and we gather round,
going, "Where are you from?"

1223
00:53:40,600 --> 00:53:43,400
And he goes, "China."
And we go, "Oh, you're a Chinaman."

1224
00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:45,280
And he goes, "I'm a what?"

1225
00:53:45,360 --> 00:53:46,600
"You're a Chinaman."

1226
00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:48,800
"A Chinaman?" "Yeah."

1227
00:53:49,440 --> 00:53:50,760
"What's my wife?"

1228
00:53:50,840 --> 00:53:52,320
"Duh. Lady Chinaman."

1229
00:53:52,400 --> 00:53:53,560
[audience laughing]

1230
00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:57,560
"Why don't you call me by my name?"

1231
00:53:57,640 --> 00:53:59,200
"I don't know your name, do I?"

1232
00:53:59,880 --> 00:54:00,960
"It's Ling."

1233
00:54:01,560 --> 00:54:03,480
"Ling?" "Yeah."

1234
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:05,680
"Is that your first name or your surname?"

1235
00:54:05,760 --> 00:54:06,760
"Both."

1236
00:54:06,840 --> 00:54:08,720
[audience laughing]

1237
00:54:09,360 --> 00:54:10,480
"Ling Ling?"

1238
00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:11,760
"Herro?"

1239
00:54:11,840 --> 00:54:13,560
[audience laughing]

1240
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:15,120
Right, no. Right.

1241
00:54:16,440 --> 00:54:17,440
Right.

1242
00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:18,720
[audience laughing]

1243
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:19,640
[Ricky laughs]

1244
00:54:20,320 --> 00:54:24,000
-Remember, irony. Okay?
-[audience laughing]

1245
00:54:24,080 --> 00:54:26,280
Also, that's not me saying that, is it?

1246
00:54:27,160 --> 00:54:29,280
It's the little Chinaman, innit? So…

1247
00:54:29,360 --> 00:54:30,800
[audience laughing]

1248
00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:32,800
If he's all right with it, then…

1249
00:54:32,880 --> 00:54:34,120
[audience laughing]

1250
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:37,160
-That won't be in. Right, okay.
-[audience laughing]

1251
00:54:37,240 --> 00:54:40,920
Fucking hell, have I got anything
for this fucking special?

1252
00:54:41,000 --> 00:54:42,400
[audience laughing]

1253
00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:45,520
Oh, this is all right. Right. Um…

1254
00:54:45,600 --> 00:54:46,880
[audience laughing]

1255
00:54:47,520 --> 00:54:50,680
Did anyone have a pedo teacher
when they were at school?

1256
00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:52,800
-Yes, yeah. Yeah.
-[audience laughing]

1257
00:54:52,880 --> 00:54:55,800
[laughs] Round of applause
for pedo teachers, yeah!

1258
00:54:55,880 --> 00:54:59,120
[audience cheering and applauding]

1259
00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:01,080
Fucking hell.

1260
00:55:01,160 --> 00:55:03,200
-Unbelievable.
-[audience laughing]

1261
00:55:03,280 --> 00:55:04,240
That's another thing.

1262
00:55:04,320 --> 00:55:07,280
I think whereas people are now
trying to be so politically correct,

1263
00:55:07,360 --> 00:55:09,040
they're trying to out-woke each other,

1264
00:55:09,120 --> 00:55:11,640
soon someone'll say,
"You can't say 'pedo' anymore."

1265
00:55:11,720 --> 00:55:17,640
"It's a derogatory term. It offends
people who are child-addicted," right?

1266
00:55:18,240 --> 00:55:20,920
So you're gonna have
people going to the doctor going,

1267
00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:23,920
"Doctor, I think I'm child-addicted."
Right?

1268
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:26,680
The doctor'll go,
"Oh, you poor thing. How do you feel?"

1269
00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:28,640
"I feel like I wanna fiddle with kids."

1270
00:55:28,720 --> 00:55:29,760
[audience laughing]

1271
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:32,120
-"That is one of the symptoms."
-[audience laughing]

1272
00:55:32,200 --> 00:55:33,560
"Don't worry. Sit down."

1273
00:55:33,640 --> 00:55:36,520
"We'll get you into a facility
at taxpayers' expense,

1274
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:38,640
and we'll wean you off children."

1275
00:55:38,720 --> 00:55:39,880
"How does that work?"

1276
00:55:39,960 --> 00:55:43,240
"You know when they give
heroin addicts methadone?" "Yeah."

1277
00:55:43,320 --> 00:55:46,800
"Well, we're gonna
start you on dwarfs, right?" [laughs]

1278
00:55:46,880 --> 00:55:48,760
"It might work. It might…"

1279
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:51,720
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

1280
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:53,000
"It might work."

1281
00:55:53,080 --> 00:55:55,160
-[Ricky laughing]
-[audience laughing]

1282
00:55:58,240 --> 00:55:59,240
[laughs]

1283
00:55:59,320 --> 00:56:01,000
[audience laughing]

1284
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:02,160
"How does that work?"

1285
00:56:02,240 --> 00:56:04,680
"Let me think.
I haven't thought it through."

1286
00:56:04,760 --> 00:56:06,760
Right, okay. No. Um…

1287
00:56:06,840 --> 00:56:09,160
"So what you do
is come into the facility."

1288
00:56:09,240 --> 00:56:11,240
"We've hired loads of dwarfs,

1289
00:56:11,320 --> 00:56:13,920
and we're not open
during the panto season."

1290
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:15,440
"We can't get the staff."

1291
00:56:15,520 --> 00:56:18,600
"So you… you come in… you come in Feb--"

1292
00:56:18,680 --> 00:56:21,680
Shush. "You come in
February to November, right?"

1293
00:56:21,760 --> 00:56:24,200
-[audience laughing]
-"We've hired loads of dwarfs,

1294
00:56:24,280 --> 00:56:26,440
and we've dressed them up
as schoolchildren,

1295
00:56:26,520 --> 00:56:29,160
and they just run around
the campus like that."

1296
00:56:29,240 --> 00:56:31,440
[laughs] "They're free-range dwarfs."

1297
00:56:31,520 --> 00:56:34,400
-[audience laughing]
-"They're free-range dwarfs,

1298
00:56:34,480 --> 00:56:37,080
and they look like
they're about six years old,

1299
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,800
but they're above legal age.
You're not breaking the law."

1300
00:56:39,880 --> 00:56:41,600
"They've been paid. It's consensual."

1301
00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:45,000
"You just go up to one you fancy,
pull down his little trousers, fiddle--"

1302
00:56:45,080 --> 00:56:48,360
"Hey, Doctor, I said I was a pedo.
I didn't say I was gay."

1303
00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:52,080
"Do you think there's, like,
homophobia in the pedophile community?"

1304
00:56:52,160 --> 00:56:55,080
Like, one pedophile,
he's all smug. He's heterosexual.

1305
00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:56,760
He's abducting a little girl.

1306
00:56:56,840 --> 00:57:00,800
He's taking a little girl into the forest.
He sees another pedo with a little boy,

1307
00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:02,400
and he goes, "You fucking bender."

1308
00:57:02,480 --> 00:57:04,280
[audience laughing]

1309
00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:11,000
There's a London borough
that tried to ban registered pedophiles

1310
00:57:11,080 --> 00:57:13,160
living within one mile of a school.

1311
00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:15,440
Now, say what you will about pedos,

1312
00:57:15,520 --> 00:57:18,520
-but they're not lazy. Know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

1313
00:57:18,600 --> 00:57:21,600
A lot of 'em are bus drivers.
That's nothing. [laughs]

1314
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:22,680
[audience laughing]

1315
00:57:22,760 --> 00:57:23,880
You know?

1316
00:57:24,400 --> 00:57:26,400
So this pedo teacher, right…

1317
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:27,480
True story, this.

1318
00:57:27,560 --> 00:57:30,160
It was about 1976. I was about 14.

1319
00:57:30,240 --> 00:57:33,040
And, uh, looking back,
I feel a bit sorry for him

1320
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:36,920
'cause he was probably late twenties,
and he was a nervous sort of guy,

1321
00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:40,320
and he was obviously gay, and he had
a fling with one of the older boys,

1322
00:57:40,400 --> 00:57:42,240
who might have been 16, 17.

1323
00:57:42,320 --> 00:57:46,040
So now, would have been totally legal,
but then, technically a nonce.

1324
00:57:46,120 --> 00:57:48,600
Banished. Convicted. Never heard of again.

1325
00:57:48,680 --> 00:57:49,880
Big scandal, right?

1326
00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:53,360
And when it broke, I went home that day.

1327
00:57:53,440 --> 00:57:56,320
My mum was there,
and she went, "Did he touch you?"

1328
00:57:56,920 --> 00:57:58,400
And I went, "No."

1329
00:57:58,920 --> 00:58:00,160
She went, "You sure?"

1330
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:01,640
I went, "Yeah."

1331
00:58:01,720 --> 00:58:04,200
She went,
"He couldn't have fancied you, then."

1332
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:05,720
[audience laughing]

1333
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:10,720
So now my mum is winding me up

1334
00:58:10,800 --> 00:58:16,280
about me not being attractive enough
to be sexually abused, right?

1335
00:58:16,360 --> 00:58:20,040
What if I had got a complex?
What if I had thought, "I'll show her"?

1336
00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:21,280
[audience laughing]

1337
00:58:21,360 --> 00:58:23,080
I'd come in at midnight. "Where you been?"

1338
00:58:23,160 --> 00:58:25,480
"Sucking off bus drivers.
That's what you get."

1339
00:58:25,560 --> 00:58:27,160
[audience laughing]

1340
00:58:28,520 --> 00:58:30,320
But that was typical of my mum.

1341
00:58:30,400 --> 00:58:32,920
My mum, she was the salt of the earth,

1342
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:35,640
but she just said what she wanted, right?

1343
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:37,120
She'd do anything for you,

1344
00:58:37,200 --> 00:58:39,320
but she reserved the right
to moan about it.

1345
00:58:39,400 --> 00:58:42,520
So, growing up,
our next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dawson,

1346
00:58:42,600 --> 00:58:44,600
she was about 25 years older than my mum.

1347
00:58:44,680 --> 00:58:49,040
So when my mum was 60,
this old lady was already, like, 85, 86.

1348
00:58:49,120 --> 00:58:51,400
My mum was
the last living witness to her existence.

1349
00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:53,680
She lived alone.
My mum did everything for her.

1350
00:58:53,760 --> 00:58:55,640
Went shopping for her, did the housework.

1351
00:58:55,720 --> 00:58:59,200
Made her lunch, sat with her for a while.
She went back, made her tea.

1352
00:58:59,280 --> 00:59:00,200
This went on and on.

1353
00:59:00,280 --> 00:59:03,040
I remember calling home once.
My mum was, like, 70.

1354
00:59:03,560 --> 00:59:05,640
And I went,
"I called earlier. You were out."

1355
00:59:05,720 --> 00:59:07,480
My mum went, "I was round Dawson's."

1356
00:59:07,560 --> 00:59:09,120
I went, "Oh, how is she?"

1357
00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:10,840
My mum went… [sighs]

1358
00:59:10,920 --> 00:59:12,520
"She just won't die, Rick."

1359
00:59:12,600 --> 00:59:15,480
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

1360
00:59:18,360 --> 00:59:21,320
I have very fond memories
of growing up in Reading, um,

1361
00:59:21,400 --> 00:59:22,400
which is why…

1362
00:59:23,320 --> 00:59:25,000
Yeah, why I never go back.

1363
00:59:25,080 --> 00:59:27,120
[audience laughing]

1364
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:30,720
Wherever I am in the world,
I bump into someone from Reading.

1365
00:59:30,800 --> 00:59:32,040
"I'm a Reading boy." "Oh good."

1366
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:34,600
That should be enough, but it never is.
They always want more.

1367
00:59:34,680 --> 00:59:37,560
They say things like, "Oh yeah,
you knows Norman Taylor, don't you?"

1368
00:59:37,640 --> 00:59:39,240
I never know this person.

1369
00:59:39,320 --> 00:59:40,640
I go, "Oh, no."

1370
00:59:40,720 --> 00:59:42,400
They go, "Yeah, he knows you."

1371
00:59:42,480 --> 00:59:45,760
-"Yeah, I'm on the telly, mate. Um…"
-[audience laughing]

1372
00:59:45,840 --> 00:59:48,320
"You went to Ashmead School."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

1373
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:51,480
"You knows Pete Shepherd."
"When was he there?"

1374
00:59:51,560 --> 00:59:52,600
"1993."

1375
00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:55,840
"Yeah, I was 31, mate. I was…"

1376
00:59:55,920 --> 00:59:57,000
[audience laughing]

1377
00:59:57,080 --> 00:59:58,400
"He knows you." "Does he?"

1378
00:59:58,480 --> 01:00:00,040
"Has he got a telly?" "Yeah."

1379
01:00:00,640 --> 01:00:02,600
"That's what's happened here."

1380
01:00:02,680 --> 01:00:04,360
[audience laughing]

1381
01:00:04,440 --> 01:00:06,960
But I do like old stories.

1382
01:00:07,040 --> 01:00:09,360
I don't tell showbiz stories.
They're boring to me.

1383
01:00:09,440 --> 01:00:11,840
I like real stories.
Whenever I'm working up a tour,

1384
01:00:11,920 --> 01:00:14,840
I think of things that have happened to me
and how my life's changed.

1385
01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:16,680
And I thought of one for this tour,

1386
01:00:16,760 --> 01:00:18,200
and it was hugging, right?

1387
01:00:18,280 --> 01:00:20,720
No one's been hugging
for the last couple of years,

1388
01:00:20,800 --> 01:00:22,560
which I preferred. I liked that.

1389
01:00:22,640 --> 01:00:25,400
I never liked hugging.
I liked it when you couldn't hug.

1390
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:28,480
It always felt awkward.
I didn't hug anyone growing up.

1391
01:00:28,560 --> 01:00:30,320
I didn't hug anyone till I came to London.

1392
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:32,840
A working class kid
on an estate in Reading,

1393
01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:34,000
you don't hug people.

1394
01:00:34,080 --> 01:00:36,680
You don't hug your fucking dad,
granddad, or your brother.

1395
01:00:36,760 --> 01:00:39,800
You wind 'em up.
You take the piss. That's our hug, right?

1396
01:00:39,880 --> 01:00:43,040
I'll give you an example.
We were at our dad's funeral,

1397
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:45,240
and I was in the graveyard
with my brother Bob.

1398
01:00:45,320 --> 01:00:48,480
Bob was having a cigarette,
and our uncle Mike came along.

1399
01:00:48,560 --> 01:00:51,000
We hadn't seen Mike for, like, 25 years.

1400
01:00:51,080 --> 01:00:54,120
Last time we saw him,
he was, like, 50, and now he's, like, 75.

1401
01:00:54,200 --> 01:00:56,960
He hadn't aged well. He was an old man.

1402
01:00:57,040 --> 01:00:59,120
And he came up to us
and went, "Hello, boys."

1403
01:00:59,200 --> 01:01:01,520
And Bob sort of looked at him
and recognized him

1404
01:01:01,600 --> 01:01:03,640
and went, "Fuck me," like that.

1405
01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:06,360
And then Bob looked around
the graveyard and went,

1406
01:01:06,440 --> 01:01:08,280
"Is there any point you going home?"

1407
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:11,040
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

1408
01:01:11,120 --> 01:01:12,080
Right?

1409
01:01:12,160 --> 01:01:14,040
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

1410
01:01:17,560 --> 01:01:21,800
And Uncle Mike laughed and went,
"Always nice to see you, Bobby."

1411
01:01:21,880 --> 01:01:25,440
And that was their hug. Know what I mean?
I'll give you another example.

1412
01:01:25,520 --> 01:01:28,560
When I left school,
my best mate was a bloke called Mark.

1413
01:01:28,640 --> 01:01:29,760
We did everything together.

1414
01:01:29,840 --> 01:01:33,280
We took a year out before college
to earn money to get pissed, really.

1415
01:01:33,360 --> 01:01:36,160
And we did. It was the best summer ever.

1416
01:01:36,240 --> 01:01:38,120
And, uh… But then summat happened.

1417
01:01:38,200 --> 01:01:40,480
His, uh… His grandmother died,
and he lived…

1418
01:01:40,560 --> 01:01:42,720
he lived with her, so it was a big deal.

1419
01:01:42,800 --> 01:01:44,600
And, uh, he went to the funeral,

1420
01:01:44,680 --> 01:01:47,200
and the first place he came
after the funeral was my house.

1421
01:01:47,280 --> 01:01:50,960
He sat down in his little black suit,
and he was just quiet.

1422
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:53,280
I didn't know what to say.
No hugging, right?

1423
01:01:53,360 --> 01:01:55,760
So I went, "How was it?"
He went, "It was awful."

1424
01:01:55,840 --> 01:01:57,640
Said, um, "She was cremated,

1425
01:01:57,720 --> 01:02:00,280
and we all went outside
to watch the smoke go up,

1426
01:02:00,360 --> 01:02:01,760
and the wind changed,

1427
01:02:01,840 --> 01:02:04,080
and it all blew in our faces, right?"

1428
01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:05,280
[audience laughing]

1429
01:02:05,360 --> 01:02:06,760
And I went, "In your mouth?"

1430
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:09,360
He went, "Yeah." I went… I took a chance.

1431
01:02:09,440 --> 01:02:10,480
[audience laughing]

1432
01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:12,480
I said, "Did it taste bitter?"

1433
01:02:12,560 --> 01:02:13,760
And he went, "Yeah."

1434
01:02:13,840 --> 01:02:16,040
I went, "That was her clitoris."

1435
01:02:16,120 --> 01:02:19,080
-[audience laughing]
-[Ricky laughing]

1436
01:02:19,160 --> 01:02:20,040
Right?

1437
01:02:20,120 --> 01:02:21,880
[audience laughing]

1438
01:02:23,040 --> 01:02:26,840
And Mark just went,
"Fucking hell, Rick," like that, right?

1439
01:02:26,920 --> 01:02:29,000
And then he started laughing.

1440
01:02:29,600 --> 01:02:32,320
And that was our hug.
Do you know what I mean?

1441
01:02:33,000 --> 01:02:34,040
Oh.

1442
01:02:34,840 --> 01:02:37,320
I'll leave you
with one final story, right?

1443
01:02:37,400 --> 01:02:39,880
It's another true story.
If I say they're true, they are.

1444
01:02:39,960 --> 01:02:41,840
I promise, they're all true. And, uh…

1445
01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:43,600
My favorite are the school stories,

1446
01:02:43,680 --> 01:02:46,320
and this is probably
my favorite school story ever.

1447
01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:48,680
It was 1976 again,

1448
01:02:48,760 --> 01:02:50,600
so, uh, I was about 14,

1449
01:02:50,680 --> 01:02:53,480
and we had a kid in our class
called Gary Masterman.

1450
01:02:53,560 --> 01:02:56,240
And Gary developed Tourette's syndrome.

1451
01:02:56,320 --> 01:02:58,120
Every sentence had a swear word in it.

1452
01:02:58,200 --> 01:03:00,640
He had a tic.
We learned all about it in assembly.

1453
01:03:00,720 --> 01:03:03,360
Gary was up there.
All the teachers, all the kids knew him.

1454
01:03:03,440 --> 01:03:05,360
He was a popular lad, right. And, um…

1455
01:03:05,440 --> 01:03:07,520
Yeah, nice guy, Gary Masterman.

1456
01:03:07,600 --> 01:03:10,920
But sometimes his tics seemed relevant.

1457
01:03:11,760 --> 01:03:13,720
I'll never forget,
we were having this lesson

1458
01:03:13,800 --> 01:03:16,480
with a young female teacher
called Miss Wilkie.

1459
01:03:16,560 --> 01:03:19,680
She was at the blackboard.
She was doing calling-out suggestions.

1460
01:03:19,760 --> 01:03:22,480
Can't remember what it was about.
She'd go, "Simon, what do you think?"

1461
01:03:22,560 --> 01:03:25,440
"Yeah, that's good. Yes, that works.
Brian, what do you…"

1462
01:03:25,520 --> 01:03:26,920
"Yeah. Yeah, good. Yeah."

1463
01:03:27,000 --> 01:03:29,720
And she went, "Gary."
He went, "I'll finger you, miss."

1464
01:03:29,800 --> 01:03:31,840
[audience laughing]

1465
01:03:36,400 --> 01:03:38,720
And she just went, "Anyone else?"

1466
01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:40,400
[audience laughing]

1467
01:03:40,480 --> 01:03:42,480
And she pointed to Sean Dixon,

1468
01:03:42,560 --> 01:03:44,560
and Sean went, "Yeah, I'll finger ya."

1469
01:03:44,640 --> 01:03:46,800
[audience laughing]

1470
01:03:46,880 --> 01:03:48,680
You've been amazing. Good night.

1471
01:03:48,760 --> 01:03:50,640
[audience cheering and applauding]