Give me another!
All right, I'm cutting you off.
Well, you can't fucking cut me off
'cause I'm cutting you off.
When you get drunk, shit gets broke,
and I'm not dealing with that.
Hey, you don't take your mommy issues out on me.
Get enough of it with the daddy issues from this one.
Wait, has he called?
I do not have mommy issues, okay?
Well, babe, you have been a bit of a Moody Judy
since your mom got here, and maybe it's because
she's being a bit of a Frigid Franny.
Oh-- You're cut off too!
[Golden Glider] It just doesn't make any sense!
[sobbing] I mean, I saved her from prison.
Would it kill her to say, "Thank you,"
or, "I love you," or I don't know,
"Let me braid your hair
while I tell you how beautiful you are"?
So she's distant, boo-fucking-hoo!
I would have given my left nut
to avoid my mom back in the day.
I thought you lost your left nut in the war.
I lost my right nut in the war, so I know what I'm giving up.
Glider, your mom just needs time to get to know you.
Pretty soon, she'll love you the way I love you.
I mean, maybe not exactly the way I love you.
Well, I mean, almost,
but just it was with less tongue.
And hands.
And penis probably.
Chuck, I get your point!
But I'm tired of waiting to have a relationship.
She's here now.
[Kite Man] Do you know what you need?
A good, old-fashioned mother-daughter day.
Mother/Daughter Day? Ooh, great movie.
Just watched it the other night.
[woman 1 on phone] You're my professor
and my biological mother.
Yeah, she is.
[woman 2 on phone] That's right, my daughter/student.
And you need a detention
- and a spanking. - [woman 1 moaning]
Spank me, Mommy!
Honey, don't look!
Why? That's how you learn.
I guess a mother-daughter day could be nice.
[cheering]
- Not like that. - [groaning]
But what do daughters even do with their moms?
Come on, babe. I'm sure you have stuff
you always wished you could do with your mom.
I remember in junior high I saw this girl Beatrice
at the mall with her mom.
They had this whole day together
where they got their ears pierced
and did glamour shots together.
That sounds nice.
I wanted to gouge Beatrice's eyes out.
Put that bump back on her Greek nose.
Babe, that sounds like
the perfect mother-daughter day.
And so you have some space, I won't be coming.
- Oh, I'll be coming. - You'll be dead!
And speaking of Mom.
[chuckles nervously] Uh, Chuck. Chuck, what are you doing?
Trust me. Moms love me.
In high school, I was voted "Most Non-Threatening."
Lisa, you never told me you had a little sister.
Ba-bam, ba-boom.
Lovely.
Any chance they come with a pisco sour?
Yeah. [chuckles awkwardly]
That's a complicated drink.
- Uh, it takes a while to make. - Then I'll take two.
Coming right, uh... eventually. [chuckles awkwardly]
Uh, Mom?
- Mom? - Oh, right. That's me.
I was thinking that maybe
we could spend the day together.
Yeah, sure. Whatever gets me out of this shit hole.
Jeez, have they even cleaned the place in the last 40 years?
- [Moe whistling] - Goddamn it, that was loud!
Hey, will everyone please shut their yappin' holes
and get your sittin' holes in place
for my brother's funeral?
♪ Hell yeah!♪
What can I say about Joe?
He had enough heart, courage, and brains for the both of us.
Wrap it up, Dorothy. Some of us gotta take a piss.
Some of us can hold it in!
Now, as I was saying--
[Bane] Joe Dubelz,
I don't know if you're up there, buddy,
but I am here at your funeral
celebrating your accomplishments,
and I sure could use some help
asking the most beautiful woman in the world on a date.
She's like an angel wrapped in prosciutto. Like a date.
Ooh, that's a good opener to ask for a date.
I wish Moe would shut the fuck up
so I could make my move on Becca.
The fuck did you just say?
Oh, God, did I just say that part out loud?
Damn you, internal monologue!
[computer keys clacking]
Goddamn it!
I got you a couple more of those pisco sours
in case you get thirsty. [chuckles]
Technology getting you down?
Ah, it's gotta be hard adjusting to the modern age
after being in the clinker for so long.
I'm familiar with technology, you nitwit!
Rent is way more expensive than I remember.
And it seems like it'll be a while
before I can afford to get out of this dump.
Well, you are more than welcome to stay with me and Glides
as long as you like, free of charge,
and maybe one day you can return the favs
by babysitting our little kite babies.
Did you knock her up?
What? No.
And you have my word.
I will always use protection until I put a ring on it.
Ugh. Whatever. Listen, you seem nice enough,
but I've been around guys like you before.
You have no money, no prospects,
and worst of all, no powers. JBH.
-"JBH"? - Just being honest.
Look, I'm not saying you're not right for Lisa.
I'm saying you're not right for anyone!
- What's going on? - Nothing.
Chuck and I were just getting to know each other better.
Weren't we, Chuck?
Chuck?
- Chuck? - What?
Uh, me? Uh, yes. Uh...
I will see myself out.
So, are we getting out of here or what?
Yeah. You know, I have some thoughts
on what we could do for our mother-daughter day.
- Just like the movie! - Not like the movie!
- [Sixpack groans] - Oh, right, that.
What did you have in mind?
Oh, nothing crazy specific. Just--
Did someone leave this detailed itinerary in the stockroom?
- Not me. -"11:00 a.m. Get ears pierced.
Ask why she never called."
Oh, you know, maybe that's, uh...
that's probably that other girl--
-"1:30 p.m. Glamour shots." - [Golden Glider clears throat]
"Ask if she also has heavy period flow."
You know, Malice, I'm sure whoever's that is
wanted it to be private.
And it looks like you circled
where the tears had fallen while you wrote it.
Okay, I'm just... [scarfs]
So, shall we?
- Just the two of us all day? - [gulps]
- [sighs] - Hey, Malice, you look fun.
Why don't you join us?
On mother-daughter day?
It doesn't have to be mother-daughter day.
It can be hot girl day!
Right, Malice?
- Oh, I'm sure Malice doesn't want-- - I'll come.
All my rich friends are ghosting me,
so I'll slum it with you poors.
Besides, I've been meaning to get my nipples pierced.
Well, actually, we were getting our ears pierced.
Oh, but nipples sound so much more fun.
Let's do that.
Ugh!
Giuseppe is the best.
He tailored the suit my grandfather was buried in.
Still holds up. Okay, Giuseppe,
these are my digging-a-hole- in-the-desert pants.
So, make sure the stitching down there is tight.
But not too tight. That shit needs to breathe.
- Don't want no yeast infection. - Yeast infection?
She thinks we're making bagels down there.
[laughing]
- [groans] - [laughing]
You make me laugh so hard I poke you with the needle!
Ah, you are my best--
[imitates Italian accent] How-a 'bout-a you shut-a the fuck up?
You just killed the best mob tailor in lower Gotham!
You say that like I should give a shit.
Listen, doll face, I got a way of doing business,
and I don't need you interfering.
Joe would've never disrespected me like that.
Joe is dead. Get used to it.
You better watch your mouth.
You better watch your head!
It's just... I... I don't know. I mean, what...
what if Rebecca is right, you know?
Why... why... why is Glider even with me?
I'm just a loser with no powers.
What about me?
If Becca finds out that I'm besties
with a pathetic, no-power loser,
I'll never have a chance.
JBH, Rebecca is way out of your league.
JBH, Glider is out of yours!
- [both groan] - JB-fucking-H.
Will you two knock it off?
- [Bane groans] - Face it, Bane.
It ain't gonna happen with Rebecca.
Face it? I would rather die!
You're not gonna die.
You're gonna get over it.
How do you get over a broad? You get under another one.
- [sighs] - [Noonan] And you.
You want a power?
Then stop being a pussy and get one.
Get one? I can't just go to a store
and be like, "One power, please."
[mocking] "One power, please." "One power..."
Hey, this is what you're going to do.
You go to this address, tell him you want a power.
Tell him I sent you, and please,
for the love of God, don't say, "Please."
Like you just did? [groans]
Oh, Glider, these would look great on you
and really distract from that hairline.
Oh, you mean like wearing a headband?
Boom! Right, Mom?
Lisa, they have your birthstone.
[chuckles awkwardly] That's, uh, not my birthstone.
And I am not getting my nipples pierced.
But these would make them look so much cuter.
Well, Kite Man's never had any complaints.
Then maybe your next boyfriend will.
Yeah, everyone knows you pierce for the boyfriend you want,
not the boyfriend you have.
Wait, what do you mean my next boyfriend?
Oh, my God. Look at these.
Malice, don't you think they would look great on me?
[both] Ah! Twinsies!
We have to get them.
You're not twinsies!
[scoffs] If anybody is going to make a trashy,
life altering decision with my mom today
that could possibly get infected,
it is going to be me!
More wine for the lady?
Well, I don't know about the lady,
but I'll have some more.
Huh?
Oh, I get it!
It was in jest!
[both laugh]
I... I... Yeah, I'm so surprised you called.
I mean, I haven't heard from you since Valentine's Day.
I, uh, thought it might be awkward,
considering that I fucked your entire apartment building.
Oh, that. Well, it's only a building.
I'm just glad to hear there isn't another woman.
Another woman?
Uh-oh, perhaps she knows about Becca.
Nonsense, Bane. There is no way she could know the secrets
of your soul...
Or your innermost thoughts.
Like how this fried calamari will tear through my colon
like this woman does through my heart.
Aw, Bane, that's so sweet.
Damn you, inner monolo...
Wait, which part of that did you hear?
You know, it's not often that a guy like you
wines and dines a girl like me.
Ah, is it because of all
the dominatrix-ization that you do?
Yeah, I've never been out to dinner with a guy
that didn't end with me putting a cigarette out in his asshole.
But you, you see me as so much more than that.
I... I do?
You're the real deal, Bane.
[doorbell chimes]
[easy listening music playing]
Huh. Oh. Um, hey! Etrigan, my favorite poet!
Have we met before?
I don't believe I've seen you at my store.
Ah, no, but, um...
Sean Noonan told me to tell you that he sent me.
[whispering] It's about getting a power, so--
Well, not much I can do.
Exit's to the left. I bid you adieu.
But Sean... [whispers] ...Sean Noonan--
Is behind the times.
This is a subsidiary of Villigan's now.
Everything's changed, except my rhymes.
Yeah, your rhymes are hella dope!
Um, but-- So, you can't... you can't give me a power?
Only the boss can sell you that, my friend.
Though I hear she only has the janky stuff,
nothing high-end.
I'll take whatever she has.
I don't need anything with too much pizazz.
Hey, hey, hey! Look what I did there.
And I don't even care.
Rhyming is my thing, you jackass!
You'll never make it through Helen Villigan's tower.
And even if you do, I doubt she'll give you power.
Well, I need a power,
so I guess I'll have to give it the old college try.
So, how much do you think this is gonna hurt?
[chuckles] Never mind.
Can't be worse than my mom inviting Malice
on mother-daughter day. At least my mom and I
are spending quality time together, right?
Right? Right?
That's the whole frickin' point of this asswipe of a day.
And if we have to get matching nipple rings to bond,
then it's worth a little-- [screams]
Hey! No badge, no entry, sir.
Okie dokie! Oh, boy, you guys must be cold.
How about some homemade mittens for you chilly kittens?
They're real warm and soft. Thanks.
[growling]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys. You look a little hangry.
[dogs whine]
[laughing]
Like I said, Helen Villigan doesn't see anyone
without an appointment.
- [gasps] - Carol,
whether you let me in to see Helen
or you don't let me in,
the thing I really care about is,
how are you doing?
[sniffles]
[sobbing] The only person who ever asked me that was my dad.
Rest in peace.
Go on, Kite Man. She's in there.
And your dad, he's right up there.
Oh, you...
[moaning]
Wow! That was fantast--
- [crying] - Oh, oh, honey.
Don't worry.
Lots of men don't finish during intercourse.
I can help you if you--
No! I can 'jaculate without you.
It's just I've... done something bad.
Tell me.
I... I promise I won't whip you.
Unless you want me to.
You are too kind.
Uh, you see, I have given you my body
while my heart belongs to Becca.
Are you angry?
[sighs] No, I get it.
I'm never anyone's first choice.
Except when that break pad suppliers convention
is in town.
If it makes you feel better,
I am never anybody's any choice.
What about Becca?
Well, she's not really aware that my heart belongs to her
or that I exist as a human being.
You know, Bane, you deserve better.
You think so?
I think I'm just a girl who was never
anyone's first choice straddling a boy
who was never anybody's any choice,
asking him to choose her.
I love how you quote the classics. Ow! [groans]
Bane, you're crying again.
It's just that you're tugging
on the clamps you put on me earlier.
Oops.
[both laughing]
[Bane] Oh, Betty!
Mom? Malice? Where'd they go?
To get glamour shots next door. Right, Mommy?
That's right, sweetheart.
Mother-daughter days are the best.
Oh, fuck off!
[Helen] Kite Man.
I'm impressed you made it through my security.
A smile and a kind word go a long way.
Wow! So maybe kindness is my--
Power? Oh, God, no.
But you want one. A real one. That's why you're here.
How did you know that?
[Helen] Because I know everything...
through your search history.
You searched, "How to get a power."
Then rephrased it six different ways.
"Power," "How to get free powers,"
"How to download powers."
Then you got distracted reading the Wikipedia
for Austin Powers.
[imitates Austin Powers] "Do I make you horny, baby?"
[in normal voice] Um... no, I'm sorry.
You must think I'm a joke.
I think you're tired of being the joke.
You want to be a big man on campus, respected.
Whoa! I have never felt so seen.
Can you give me that?
How about right now?
I'm Helen Fucking Villigan for God's sake.
But everything has a price.
Well, how much?
Please put away your dinosaur wallet.
It's not about the money.
It's something far more valuable.
The essence of you...
Kite Man.
My kite? You want my kite?
But my... my kite is who I am.
Isn't that what you want to change?
Do you want to be the boy you are now
or the man you could become?
Huh.
[moody guitar playing]
Sandy... [clears throat]
...may I have this dance?
- Uh, no. - Oh. Uh...
I mean, hell yeah.
[laughing]
Hm. [exhales]
[sobbing] Saying goodbye to you
is the hardest thing
I have ever had to do, my little buddy.
But as much as I love you...
I love Glider more.
- All right, then. - [whimpering softly]
[grunts]
Sign here, here, and here.
Goodbye, Kite Man.
[camera shutter clicking]
Ugh! I planned this whole day for us,
and it feels like you don't even want to be around me!
Maybe it's because she doesn't want to be around you.
- That is not true! - [camera shutter clicks]
- Is that true? - Ugh!
Listen, I just got out of the freaking pit,
and I don't want to play mommy to some grown-ass kid.
You don't have to play mommy, you are my fucking mommy!
And I don't wanna be.
Which is exactly why I left the first time.
Wait, you left us?
Is this why I don't have any memories of you?
Well, you'd just killed your father.
I wasn't gonna stick around for you to liquefy me.
I upended my life to rescue you.
I never I asked you to,
just like I never asked to have a child
who can liquefy people when she's throwing a tantrum.
That wasn't my fault. I never wanted these powers!
I guess we both got things we didn't want.
And then she just stabs him without even asking me.
I don't need your permission.
What are you, the stabbing police?
If I was, I'd put your ass in jail.
Well, how about I put your ass through this table?
- [grunting] - [groaning]
- Fuck you. - [screams]
[grunting]
Bull's eye!
And another one!
That's enough.
Take it outside.
Well, thank God that's over.
No, nope, not over. It's not over.
You are a sorry excuse for a head!
You're a sorry excuse for a body!
[both] I hate you!
Oh, goddamn.
Are you as turned on as I am?
I think you can feel the answer.
[both moaning]
I haven't seen this movie before.
Ugh, mother-daughter day would have been
a hell of a lot better if it was just me and Malice.
That doesn't make sense!
You know what? Maybe I don't need a mom.
I have Chuck, and Chuck is enough.
Oh, please! Enough with this Kite Boy already.
- He's Kite Man. - Whatever.
I need to take a dump because somebody wanted
to eat at Hardee's.
The bathroom's in the...
You know what, actually,
use the one at the end of the hall.
[Rebecca] The one with all this "do not use" tape on it?
Oh, we put that on there so no one uses it
and it's clean for guests like you.
[Rebecca] Good, then I don't have to look
at any of Kite Boy's pubes.
You know what, first of all,
Chuck doesn't have pubes.
He's as hairless as a dolphin.
Even more important, he is kind.
He knows who he is, and he is a better person
than you'll ever be.
[toilet flushes]
[tires screeching]
[rock music playing]
[sobbing] My kite!
[Kite Man mimicking] "Oh, my kite! My kite!"
Stupid baby. Only babies have kites.
Wait, aren't you Kite Man?
[Kite Man] Kite Man's dead.
They call me...
[air horns blaring]
...Beast Mode!
Pew, pew, pew! [laughs]
Where I go, you cannot follow
'cause you gotta be 21 or older.
- What up, fuckers? - [Noonan] "BM"?
Hey, guys, a bowel movement just entered.
[all laughing]
That's what your mom said last night. [laughs]
Now, less talk-y, more pour-y.
Hold on a second. You got a power?
More like a power got me.
- [machine whirring] - [electricity crackling]
[grunting]
[screaming]
Oh, my God, you got the douche power.
And this is a douche-free establishment.
Fellas, get him outta here.
Okay, Cash. Let's Tango.
- Whuppah! - [yelps]
- Whuppah! - [screams]
- Whu-bam! - [groans]
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Why are you hitting yourself?
[laughs] Fuck you.
- Suck it! Boom! - [groans]
[laughing]
What is going on?
Chuck. Is that...
Maybe we should talk upstairs?
Someone's anxious to get me in bed.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I think what you mean is, what the hell is right with me.
And what's right is that I got a power
that is cooler than yours.
[laughing] Oh, yeah.
Ugh, I can't believe you did this.
Just look at you!
Yeah. Look at that. You're welcome.
But you're being such an ungrateful B
that I might just re-gift myself to someone else.
Please. Do me the favor of re-gifting
whatever this is to someone else.
- I don't want it. - [scoffs]
[laughing] Yeah. Okay.
And you think you're gonna find someone to love you?
You can't even get your own mother to love you.
Get out.
I'm not getting out. You get out.
I am not going to ask you again.
Oh, or what?
You're gonna go into your fugue state and kill me?
Oh, please.
I am warning you! Take your shit and leave!
Yeah, okay, fine.
See you again, never!
I don't even want to be in this place,
'cause you know why?
This place is too small for my giant dick.
[somber music playing]
Bip, bap, boom.
Hey.
Hey, nerd. Whuppah!
- My lunch money! - [laughing]
[man] Boss, are you sure he's the right guy for the job?
He's kind of a douche.
He's absolutely perfect.
[theme music playing]
♪ Hell yeah! ♪