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Do you sometimes feel like
you're being swallowed by the mist?

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Driven like our heroin
into a more obscure,

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silent yet deafening land?

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This is a journey of hell, fear,
strange debauchery

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and guilt that most people call the life.

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Can you take it?

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Can you deal with your own
ghouls and spectres?

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Don't move from your seats or coffins:

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in one hour sharp,

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your favourite TV host Seth Lamoor
will be gracing your screens.

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Joined by guest Oliver Sim
to discuss his first solo release…

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I should be stronger than this

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I should have a handle on it

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I know all of the tricks

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The crudest magic

16
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Yet every step that I get closer

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I can watch your eyes notice

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As I slip into focus

19
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But somewhere from a distance

20
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Did I fool you into thinking

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I was a Confident man

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Confident man

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Confident confident man

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Somewhere from a distance

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Did I fool you into thinking?

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Somewhere from a distance

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Did I fool you into thinking?

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Oli you told me about a…
a dark heart.

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What is that?

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I know it was created from fear.

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Fear of being different,
fear of being judged.

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Fear of others…

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If you could visualize this fear,
this inner monster.

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What would it look like?

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It takes so many faces.

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It can be merely a monstrous child
crying out for help.

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Or it can be as big and powerful
as a werewolf.

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But most of the time
it's just lost in the mist.

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With no goals and sad eyes.

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Okay, wow.

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Talking about your fears,

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how long have you been dealing with them?

43
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I think they've always been here.

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But I had a happy childhood,
loving family.

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Can I just say your outfit is in-credible.

46
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I imagine you always had
this kind of taste?

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I mean can you describe yourself
as a child?

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I think my Mum would describe it
as I wasn't part of the football crowd.

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All that meant was I didn't play football
with the other boys.

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I was maybe a bit more sensitive.

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- But I was definitely a femme kid
- Hey sweetie.

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And that is something
I loved about myself,

53
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felt like my superpower.

54
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I was obsessed with female rage.

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Whether be Ripley in Alien or Carrie
or Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween.

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- Women that could be feminine and sexy
- What are you watching?

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- But still… powerful and strong.
- I feel like it's me.

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All things I wanted to be
but maybe didn't feel like I could be.

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Did you feel like you could
share that with anyone?

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At home yeah.
I lived in a house full of strong women.

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My mum, my sister.

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I could make dance routines
in the living room,

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I could be as femme
as I wanted to be at home.

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It was my castle.

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What does your bedroom look like?
Could you describe your childhood bedroom?

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My room was equal parts little boy,

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equal parts hand-me-downs from my sister.

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I used to watch horror VHS's all the time.

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But at the same time I had…
this beautiful pink mic that I loved.

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I was obsessed with space

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so my wallpaper was filled
with stars and planets.

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I had dinosaurs.

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I can vividly remember this giant
teddy bear near to my bed.

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He would protect me
from all my imaginary monsters

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I could see from my window
whilst I was trying to sleep.

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And this terrifying mask
with feathers on it.

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I used it to dress up as the terrors
I watched on my TV.

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If you could meet yourself
as a kid right now,

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what would you say?

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Far too fem

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Surrounded by rocks

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You're gonna look the gem

83
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You can dress it away

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Talk it away

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Dull down the flame

86
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But it's all pretend

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It's all pretend

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What would my…

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What would my father do?

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Do I take a bite

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Take a bite of the fruit?

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I've heard other people say

93
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It can't be right if it cause you shame

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Have I made you proud

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Take a look at me now

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If I've got my father's eyes

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I've got my mother's smile

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Wrong or right

99
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You're standing right in front
of a green light

100
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Just look at his face

101
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What a beautiful face

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How it makes you feel inside

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Take a bite babe

104
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Take a bite babe

105
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It's an ordinary thing

106
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Take a bite babe

107
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Take a bite babe

108
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It's an ordinary thing

109
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What would my father do?

110
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Do I take a bite

111
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Take a bite of the fruit?

112
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Have I made you proud

113
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Take a look at me now

114
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If I've got my father's eyes

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I've got my mother's smile

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Have I made you proud

117
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Take a look at me now

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If I've got my father's eyes

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I've got my mother's smile

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Hey, hey come here.

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What a fucking freak!
He looks so weird.

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Shit.

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I'm ugly

124
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I'm up and down right now

125
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I'm down and bloody

126
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But I don't feel
as though I've been unlucky

127
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I have people in my life
that really love me

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Caught my reflection in your eye

129
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Now you've seen me from both sides

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Am I hideous?

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My tears naturally dry

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On exposure to the light

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Am I hideous?

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Oh, I Hide

135
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Though the company at home can be unkind

136
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Yet I live alone and refuse to go outside

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How dare I feel so lonely

138
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When I'm giving all my time

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To a man who doesn't know me

140
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Why don't you leave me in the dirt

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I've been sick and I'm perverse

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Oh, I'm hideous

143
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If I've had you at your worst

144
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It was easy in return

145
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Oh, I'm hideous

146
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Follow my voice

147
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Sweet nature boy

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Just to keep you safe

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Listen for me

150
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Be brave

151
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Have trust

152
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Just be willing to be loved

153
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Radical honesty might set me free

154
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If it makes me hideous

155
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Been living with HIV

156
00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:29,720
Since seventeen

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Am I hideous?