Have you got a couple of minutes to answer some questions?
Well, you've got me tied up, so I guess.
Perfect.
Is there anything that I could have done better my end
to improve your highway-robbery experience?
I suppose you could have fired a warning shot.
That would have been a bit more scary than the ribbon dancing.
Of course!
Ignore him, Dick. I love the ribbons!
Yeah, but a warning shot could work too.
Honesty, I need some warning before you do that.
That was the warning. For this.
Oh, Lord.
Dick, can you stop befriending the driver and get over here.
I'm not befriending the driver, Nell.
I'm just getting some feedback.
I'm trying to improve myself as a highwayman.
Sorry about this. I've just got a couple more questions.
In fact, you could probably just fill that out yourself.
There you go. Pencil.
I will need that back.
I hereby call this meeting of the Syndicate to order.
Thank you so much for joining.
Philip, didn't I have you executed last week?
No, I don't think so, ma'am.
Okay then.
On to illegitimate business.
Now, it seems that-- No, sorry.
No, I can't concentrate. Sorry, can we just--
No. No, please, ma'am. No. I have three beautiful children.
And one with a great personality!
Thank you.
Now, it appears that one of our coaches full of stolen gold was stolen.
That's not supposed to happen now, is it?
This is unacceptable.
Which of you cretinous pillocks allowed this to happen?
Well, you did.
What? Really?
The robbery occurred in Hempstead, which I believe is your turf.
Jonathan, the Syndicate had you appointed thieftaker to secure safe passage
for our smuggled cargo, remember?
If you're not up to the task,
perhaps you need replacing.
So, you have 24 hours to find the gold and those responsible. Otherwise...
- Are we clear? - Crystal.
There's only one man brainless enough to steal from the Syndicate.
Oh, yes!
Finally. A successful robbery with absolutely no repercussions.
Okay. I can't say with 100% certainty, but I think it's gold.
Yes!
Yeah. I mean, that would make sense given it's written on every bar.
- Oh, yeah. - Wow, real gold.
The possibilities are endless.
We could melt it down into tiny, gold highwayman hats.
Give it away as merchandise.
Your brain, it's like a creative volcano.
Or, just a kind of wacky thought from me,
We could sell it for cash to buy food and, you know, survive.
That's a tough one because-- because I like hats.
But surviving is good too.
I vote merch.
I'm sorry, I am paying attention. It's just this place is amazing.
This is Eliza. She's writing about us. Sort of building the legend.
Wow. You smell really good.
- Hi. Craig the Warlock. - Hello.
Dick, flogging the gold for cash is what any old highwayman would do,
but your USP is being different.
Yeah, we do need to come up with an original concept.
I'll buy some.
I'm actually doing this special alchemy project right now
where I turn gold into-- wait for it-- lead.
But isn't it supposed to be the other way around?
Oh, God. I've wasted so much money.
I've got it. What if we went somewhere else to sell it?
That way, we'd still get the cash,
but we'd also get a fun, team-bonding awayday.
The volcano erupts again!
That is a great idea. Well, where will you go?
Honesty, where's that really big place you grew up?
The one with the bridge and the river?
Here we are. London! Where the streets are paved.
Coming from Hempstead, that's pretty impressive.
I love it! It's incredible!
I wanna see the theater, the Cathedral, London's glittering dungeons.
Look, that man's selling funny hats!
There they are! Mum! Dad!
- Honesty! Darling! - There he is. Son.
And you must be Dick Turpin.
We've read all about you in the wanted posters.
It was nothing.
We've kept all of Honesty's ever since he was a boy.
Seven years old in that one. So cute!
Mum! Stop. You're embarrassing me in front of my gang.
Well, if he didn't have such supportive parents,
I doubt he'd be the notorious criminal he is today.
On that note, you don't know anyone who wants to buy some gold, do you?
Leave it with me, son. I'll have a quiet ask around.
Oi, Derek!
Do you know anyone who wants to buy some stolen gold
off Dick Turpin the wanted highwayman?
How much gold?
How much?
About 100 bars. If you could j--
They got 100 bleedin' bars!
Hundred bars? They'll be rolling in it!
I'll see what I can do!
Oi, Cathy, you know anyone who wants some gold?
- How much gold? - The old whisper network.
Yeah. The whisper network.
- So where's the rest of it then? - Be here any minute.
We've got our top guys working on it.
I'm making a delivery.
This crate which is not full of gold
to be picked up by my son who is not a highwayman.
- Understood? - Sure.
Look. There's Dick on the wall.
Good.
Why are we helping Dick?
I thought you hated him being a highwayman.
That's before he promised me 5% of the gold
to spend in London's exotic meat markets.
- You mean-- - That's right, Benny.
We're gonna taste giraffe burgers, zebra rissoles, chimp chops...
Listen up, guys. I've got a buyer for the gold,
so I've booked this shady little corner for our secret meeting.
We've only got it till 2:30, mind.
After that, there's a party of six in here doing an opium deal.
All right, guys. Let me handle this.
I'm a master negotiator.
I mean, probably. I've never tried.
Negotiation won't be necessary.
Hello, Turpin.
Wilde.
Christopher, you're up late.
What are you guys doing here?
We just popped into town to pick up a few bits. No, wait.
I'm trapping you. Obviously.
- Guards, move, move. - Stay calm, everyone.
Stay calm.
There's no escape.
You're surrounded.
That would be true.
Unless I anticipated your trap, spent last week bribing your guards,
and now, in an ingenious twist,
it is in fact I who have you surrounded.
Wait, did you actually do that?
No, I just thought of it. Imagine if I did though.
- That would have been so good. - I know.
Here's what's going to happen:
You're going to take me directly to the gold,
and I'm going to take you directly to the gallows.
Not again.
Dad, you promised we'd get ice cream.
Fine. And on the way, we'll get ice cream.
Yeah, guys, I'm actually a vegan so--
We could do frozen yogurt.
- Oh, my God, I love Froyo. - No! No Froyo.
All right, chill your boots. I'll just get a sorbet.
The ice cream's not for you anyway.
Now move or my men will kill your friends, starting with him.
Yes!
I never get picked first for anything.
That's not a good thing.
Slow down, Brother Wilde. I'll be taking "Turban."
It's "Turpin" actually, with a P. Nice jacket.
- Thank you, Turban. - Stand aside, Gow.
The crow-haired simpleton belongs to me.
Yes, he does. But if you were to mysteriously disappear,
or someone was to kill you with a gun,
then the Syndicate will be needing a new thieftaker.
By which I mean-- I mean me. I'd be that guy.
Yes, I gathered that.
Wilde, let me explain, okay?
I'm gonna kill you, and I'm gonna replace you.
Yes, I understand your plan.
What the--
Right, out the way. "Turbot" is mine.
"Turbot"? It's Turpin.
Hang on.
Sandra, is that you?
Gow! No way!
- Have we literally had the same idea... - I think so.
- ...to kill him and replace him? - Kill Wilde and replace him?
Yeah. What are we like, huh?
Anyway, as I was saying.
Leave that. Run, Christopher. Draw their fire.
Oh, my God.
- What about Dick? - We don't have a choice.
- Let's go! - Yeah, guys. Run away! Save yours--
They've already gone.
Come on. Run, you idiot!
Wait, my hat!
- You saved my life. - That wasn't the idea.
This way, quick!
Out of my way! Come on, move!
Hello, boys.
There's nowhere to run, Brother Wilde.
- Back off, Gow. They're mine. - Sandra, come on. I saw them first.
We're gonna have to jump.
Are you insane? I'm wearing Parisian silk.
We don't have a choice.
Just give me, like, 15 minutes to get undressed.
Come on!
I really wanna be thieftaker.
Now!
- Shit. - This was a bad idea.
This isn't over, Wilde.
Great. Another dead leader.
How am I ever gonna get a good reference?
He's not dead. I saw him escape with the ice cream guy.
I'm so out of breath. I've never run so much in my life.
We surrender! Just don't make me run anymore.
Anything but running!
Pick that up. You're embarrassing yourself.
You're Wilde's son, aren't you? I wanna say Jennifer?
- My name's Christopher. -"My name's Christopher."
What was that?
Yeah, I'm so sorry. I'm not very good with kids.
- I've been a highwayman-- - Since you were 16 years old.
How'd you know that? Who told you? Who've you been talking to?
My dad. He makes me read all his reports so I'll be a good thieftaker.
But I wanna be a highwayman.
- I even made trading cards of you all. - No one cares about your stupid--
Okay. Sorry, I'm pretty good.
"Shooting: seven. Cunningness: eight." Legend.
"Witty quips: one."
I'm witty. I'm very witty.
I'm, like, the wittiest wit in this city.
I'm all threes.
The only ten I've got's in worrying.
I don't worry that much, do I? I'm not a worrier.
I mean, now you've said I'm a worrier, I'm a bit worried I'm a worrier.
- You're a worrier. - Oh, my God. I'm a worrier!
Right. Moose, you grab the kid, we'll take him hostage.
Head to the post office. Guard the gold.
And I'll go find Dick with Honesty.
Smart. You're gonna need someone who knows this city well.
We're still in London, right?
- Yeah. - Sweet.
My gun. My coin purse.
The keys. This is a nightmare.
Yeah, tell me about it. Look at the state of my hair.
What are you talking about? It's exactly the same.
- How's that even possible? - Have you heard of dry shampoo?
Do you realize who you stole from?
- The Syndicate. - Are they a reggae band?
The Syndicate is the most feared criminal organization in the world.
My organization.
Wow, J-Dog, that's incredible.
So you're like the big boss?
Well, I'm not strictly the big boss per se.
So not the big boss?
I'm very highly regarded.
But not the actual big boss. More like middle management?
No! Senior management.
Someone's a little bit touchy about not being the big boss.
I am not touchy about not being the big boss.
I'll keep it simple, Turpin.
Take me to the gold and I'll consider letting you live.
Okay. But only if en route we have a heartwarming adventure
and realize we're not so different after all.
How about we just stick to me not killing you?
Fine.
But if there are gangsters looking for us, I think we should dress up in disguises.
We're not dressing up in disguises.
Tell you what, we were lucky to find a washing line with so much variety.
Oh, God. We're going to die.
Dick? Dick?
Dick!
Honesty, I don't think walking the backstreets shouting for Dick
is the best way to find him.
Okay, new plan. We need to get inside his head.
I can't think of anything more horrendous.
I'm Dick.
I'm a highwayman.
I like shiny clothes and black eyeliner.
- Oh, my God. - But I'm being chased.
I'm being chased.
In stacked heels. He's wearing heels.
The guy's in pain.
Dick's in pain.
- Pain, chain. - And?
Dick's been chained to the enemy who hates him.
They need to--
They need to build bridges.
Build bridges.
Build bridges!
You're saying this like I have any idea what you're talking about.
The guy's gone to the river. Come!
What is happening?
Could you try to be inconspicuous?
Relax, J-Wizzle, I'm in character.
I'm Sister Juanita O'Malley.
Nun by day, bullfighter by night.
I've even got a catchphrase, "Olé, let us pray."
I've got a catchphrase too. "Shut up, you moron."
Can't really see that on a T-shirt.
- Great outfit. Free toffee apple? - Thanks, mate.
You see? If you put good vibes out there, the universe rewards you.
Sometimes with toffee apples.
I haven't got time for good vibes, Turpin.
My son is out there alone.
Yeah, in hindsight, it wasn't a great idea to bring him to an illegal gold deal
at 2:00 in the morning.
The boy has to learn. One day, my thieftaking empire will be all his.
Probably prefer a bike. I mean, he's only nine, isn't he?
By the time I was six,
I was running an unlicensed tuckshop and three brothels.
What if he doesn't want that?
What if he wants to be an artist? Or a barista?
Or an artist who works as a barista
'cause no one's interested in buying his rubbish art?
Have you even asked him?
Hiya, love.
Do you think she recognized me or she just really hates nuns?
Run!
Ha, you lose again.
This is so unfair.
How can I ever win if I keep getting me?
I'm the worst.
I shouldn't be here.
I should be looking for Dick and his perfectly shaped sideburns.
- I'm sure he's okay, Moose. - Yeah, I know.
But your cards were right. I can't help worrying.
- You wouldn't understand. - My dad's out there too.
I suppose that's a bit similar.
We could go sightseeing, take our minds off it.
Dad never lets me do anything fun in London.
I'd love to, but we need to stay here and guard the gold.
You're just as boring as he is.
I'm not boring. I'm very exciting actually.
Then how come you only scored a three for excitingness?
"Then how come..."
Right, I'll show you who's boring. Come on.
Let's paint the town red.
Don't forget your coat. It is a bit chilly out.
Come on, Christopher!
Look, Dick's scarf.
He must have jumped in the river.
Okay. This is at best a coincidence.
And even if he survived the fall, how do we know where he washed up?
I know one way to find out.
No, no, no!
We're coming, Dick!
Okay. So, I'm cold, I'm wet, my makeup's running.
This guy's lost.
This guy's tired.
This guy's--
Oh, my God, disguise!
He went to find a disguise!
Look!
Dick's clothes.
He went that way.
I'm so angry this is working.
Hey, I know where we are.
In here.
And the winner is Albion Alf!
Wow, an underground fight club. So cool.
Next up, it's the Ladies Senior Division.
Place your bets for Hellcat Hilda...
versus Doris The Destroyer!
What are you doing?
I've got a good feeling about Doris. Have you got five shillings?
I know where we can get these chains off. Come on!
The owner's a client of mine.
In return for a small fee,
I provide him with a comprehensive protection plan.
- From who? - Mostly me.
- It must be in here somewhere. - Maybe try the top drawer.
Shut up. I know what I'm doing.
- Maybe try the bottom drawer. - I know. I'm going to check all of them.
Looking for these?
You got some balls showing your face in here, Wilde.
Afternoon, Sister.
Hola, señor.
Now, if I remember correctly, the last time I saw you,
you cut off my thumb.
You owed me money. I had no choice.
Besides, I had it sewn back on.
Yeah, on the wrong hand.
That was just business.
Get us out of these chains
and I'll have that thumb sewn back on the right hand.
By which I mean, the right hand.
Well, after everything you've done for me,
it'd be my pleasure to help.
And now for your main event.
In the red-- and soon to be a lot redder-- corner,
Jonathan Wilde and Sister Juanita O'Malley.
And in the blue corner,
Jack "Iron Fist" Broughton!
I have heard of him. I think he's quite good.
- Wait, he's literally got iron fists. - I know.
Horrible smelting accident.
On my count, the fight to the death shall begin.
The winner will be the non-dead one.
Maybe we should let him win.
Let him win? It's a fight to the death, you idiot.
- Three, two, one. - Two, one.
Run!
Oi! No shooting in the death pit.
Oh, yeah.
- What are you doing? - I can't let my friend die.
- We're not friends. - End of the line, Brother Wilde.
That means I'm gonna kill you.
How many times-- Yes, I know.
- And replace you. - Yes, I still understand your plan.
Shush.
What are you waiting for, idiots?
Run!
Knew I had a good feeling about you, Doris.
Stay in touch, yeah?
They'll live.
Given the entire criminal underworld are after him,
maybe it's not a good idea to dress up like Dick.
Nell, it's helping me get inside his head.
Try it! Try it, you'll see.
Fine.
- Yeah. - Doing this.
- I'm Dick. - I'm Dick. Yes.
- Wandering around like an idiot. - Perfect.
Probably some stupid banter.
Knitting, friendship, veganism.
People are trying to kill me,
but I'm so wacky I'll probably stop and have a bite to eat,
because why hurry or do anything well, ever?
- Hey! - I can be charming and thoughtful
and nice, but it's irrelevant.
Oh, my God. Wait.
Look, a bullet hole.
See!
- And look here. - Oh, Lord.
Someone killed this toffee apple. You know what that means?
- They really hate autumnal treats? - We're on the right track.
- Or that, yes. - Yes.
Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this but...
keep being Dick.
Yes! Come on.
Luckily, there was a tailor's next door. Check out my outfit.
Oh, Christ.
Also, I found these to sew you up.
You've done operations before?
Not really. I've done alterations.
It's pretty much the same thing.
I'll probably just use a blind hem stitch.
Yeah, this is gonna be a little bit painful.
Why don't you chat to me? Take your mind off it.
I'll bet we got loads in common.
We've got nothing in common.
Really? What's your favorite food?
I like roasted cauliflower.
I eat beef every meal, and I own numerous slaughterhouses.
Okay. What's your favorite drink?
I'm quite partial to an elderflower cordial.
I drink water and rum, neither for enjoyment.
- Do you like cute, little hedgehogs? - I hate cute, little hedgehogs.
- Me too. - I was bluffing.
I actually love cute, little hedgehogs.
- The cuter the better. - So do I. It was a double bluff.
I knew we'd have something in common
and that something is cute, little hedgehogs.
Come on, Johnny. Admit it.
Somewhere inside you there's a tiny dreamer, just like me.
Maybe once there was a tiny dreamer,
but life has a way of grinding down one's dreams
until all that remains is the evil men must do to survive.
That's a bit bleak.
Okay, I'm all done here. How's that?
I'm loathe to say it,
but it would appear I owe you a degree of thanks.
You don't have to thank me, J-Dog. We're a team.
Let's go grab the gold, get my gang back and find your son.
Christopher, of course.
London's no place for a delicate soul like him.
Without his Papa by his side, he'll be paralyzed with fear.
This is so much fun.
When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, Moose.
Do really badly in school and who knows what could happen for you.
Right, the blood stops here but there's no body.
So, nobody's killed him.
- Yeah. - And look.
- Needle and thread? - Yeah, it's a clue.
Of course, yeah.
- Sorry, why? - A needle.
A need.
I need. What does Dick need? The thread.
- Right. - It's yellow.
- Yellow's close to gold. - Yeah.
He's close to gold.
He's gone to find gold. Yeah.
Wait, do we know anyone that's got any gold?
- We have gold. - Yes! Yes, Nell!
- Nell, you're a genius. - You're a genius.
- Am I? - Actually, you're really not.
I don't know what you are, but-- Let's just go.
- Yeah, I'll-- Where we going again? - The post office!
Here it is.
Feast your eyes on this.
Sorry, that's the wrong crate.
Feast your eyes on this.
Is that a shoehorn?
Feast your eyes on this.
So shiny.
Hiya, love.
Me again.
Now, I know you were just having a bit of a moment there,
but I just need to kill you, like, real quick.
Won't be a sec. All right?
Oh, yeah? Check this out.
That was just embarrassing, wasn't it?
Yeah, sorry. I forgot I was rubbish at that.
Oh, bugger!
Or am I?
I am actually. That was just a fluke.
Careful.
I don't know if you're aware, but you're pointing that thing right at me.
You're betraying me.
Why would I hand in the gold
when I can kill you and say I never found it?
That's why I orchestrated this whole thing.
The whole thing? What, even Gow and Sandra trying to kill us?
Well, no, not that bit but--
The bit where we jumped in the river?
No, not that either.
Surely not the fight club? That would have cost a fortune.
I planned the broad beats.
Kill you, steal the gold, okay?
What about our great rapport?
- Our rapport was poor. - You think we had poor rapport?
Yes, we had a poor rapport, and I abhor a poor rapport.
Goodbye forever, Dick Turpin.
Oi! Thieftaker!
Why don't you thief-take your hands off him?
- What? - Okay, fine, I'm not witty.
Get back or I'll shoot him in his stupid head.
It was a great day. Those hats were the funniest things I've ever seen.
- They were insane. - What's going on?
Wilde says he's gonna shoot Dick in his stupid head.
No, I love your stupid head.
Can everyone stop talking about my stupid head?
- Christopher, what are you doing? - He got lost in London
and someone had to look after him.
You mean take me hostage?
I mean take him hostage.
Lay a finger on him,
and what few brains Dick has will be decorating that wall.
What? And then I become leader? Sounds awful.
Not!
Jennifer, on the other hand?
He's your only child.
You really think I care more about a child than a hundred bars of gold?
I'll just have another son.
One who actually does his homework on a Thursday.
One who never forgets his goggles for swimming practice.
And one who remembers what I taught him about hostage situations.
Christopher, code red!
So embarrassing.
Let me go.
I'll miss you too, tiny dreamer.
Maybe spend some more time with your son, yeah?
Sorry we chained up your dad and threatened to murder you.
It's okay.
A highwayman's got to do what a highwayman's got to do.
Here.
Ten for excitingness.
Incoming.
Listen, I try not to compliment people unless they're dead,
but I suppose you were adequate today.
Thanks. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
- Never repeat it. - Okay.
Why the long face, Moose? You had a lovely day.
We should come to London more often.
Yeah, I did have a good time.
I just feel like I lost a little friend.
Me too, buddy.
Still, we got the gold, and I know exactly what to do with it.
Yeah!
Ratclyff, hundred gold bars on Doris.
Trust me, she's an absolute wildcat.
Go on, Doris.
Jonathan Wilde, deary me.
You failed to find my gold,
and, according to this pamphlet, conspired to betray the Syndicate.
I was misquoted.
Journalists, they're the real criminals.
Henceforth, you shall never again be allowed to participate
in any criminal activity in this country.
Not even some light fraud?
Not even a mugging.
It's so sad.
Bye-bye now.
Unhand me, you pisspot.
Good riddance, Wilde.
Dad?
Well, perhaps it is time for me to hang up my noose
and spend more time being a father.
By the way, I got you this.
Let's go home, Christopher.
And plot the death of Dick Turpin.
Only joking. Let's get some ice cream.
And as for this Turpin, let's send him a little message, shall we?
Crossword!