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- [static] - Man: Breaking news.
Actor Jason Biggs of American Pie fame was found dead
- in his Wind River home. - [static]
- Woman: The event brings this year's celebrity death toll
to 27 after Pope Francis's heart explosion last week.
- [static] - Man: His estate wants
to remind the world that Jason Biggs was a good guy
and we should all be very,
- very sad. - [static]
- Woman: Authorities aren't ruling out foul play.
[vehicle driving by]
[grunting]
- Ah.
[tires screeching]
Get fucked, Biggs!
- [tires screeching] - [thumping]
♪ I heard I heard the old man say ♪
♪ John Kanaka-naka too-rye-ay ♪
♪ Today, today's a holiday ♪
♪ John Kanaka-naka too-rye-ay ♪
♪ Too-rye-ay ♪
♪ Whoa oh ♪
♪ Too-rye-ay ♪
♪ John Kanaka-naka too-rye-ay ♪
[♪ shanty plays ♪]
♪ We'll work tomorrow but not today ♪
♪ John Kanaka-naka too-rye-ay ♪
♪ We'll work tomorrow but not today ♪
♪ John Kanaka-naka too-rye-ay ♪
♪ Too-rye-ay ♪
♪ Whoa oh ♪
♪ Too-rye-ay ♪
♪ John Kanaka-naka too-rye-ay ♪
♪ We're bound away for Frisco Bay ♪
♪ John Kanaka-naka too-rye-ay ♪
♪ We're bound away at the break of day ♪
♪ John Kanaka-naka too-rye-ay ♪
♪ Too-rye-ay ♪
♪ Whoa oh ♪
♪ Too-rye-ay ♪
♪ John Kanaka-naka too-rye-ay ♪
[thudding]
[♪ upbeat folk plays ♪]
- Man: So, 35? Do we have a deal?
Okay. You got me.
Twenty-five.
You drive a hard bargain.
- Luke, how much for this?
- Oh. For you, Jake,
absolutely free.
Take it. It's yours.
- No kidding? - No kidding.
- You know, a toaster like this would probably get you $27.
- I doubt that.
- It's a very nice thing. Uh...
I think I'll put it on my desk next to my computer.
[chuckles]
I came by to-- to give you a little going away advice.
You need to change the password on your Wi-Fi
and the majority of your streaming accounts.
- What do you mean? - Type in some extra numbers
or some big letters. Those go a long way.
- Jake, are you saying you've been using my Wi-Fi?
Is that why Google keeps recommending
- different ketamine clinics? - I'm just saying
I don't want people in your new building
to take advantage of you the way...
some people might have been taking advantage of you here.
- Thanks, Jake.
- You're a good guy, Luke.
You deserve better.
- Okay.
- Oh, hey, Janet.
- Respectfully, Janet, I really think
that we should just try it my way.
- We're really going miss you around here, Luke,
and not just your Wi-Fi and your streaming services.
You're like family.
- Were my passwords that easy to figure out?
- Uh, where you headed now?
- Ottawa, Canada. Watch your finger.
- Ottawa. Uh, you got family up there or something?
- No. No. The only family I have left is an older brother,
but I haven't heard from him in years.
In fact, I actually don't even know if he's dead or alive.
- Oh, well, that's dreadful,
because, uh, family is the most important thing there is.
Family sticks together, no matter what.
- Uh. What was that?
- What was what?
- The random family sentiment you just read out loud,
what was that about?
- Uh, I gotta go.
[grunts]
- Clinton...
- Jake: How much you want for this?
It's beautiful.
- What the hell? This isn't mine.
- Who put this here? - You did.
- No. Why would I have a painting
of the pope eating tacos with Big Foot?
I mean, I'm basically Jewish, for Christ's sake.
- Man: That's a lie.
I've seen his penis.
The man you know as Luke is not circumcised.
Quite the opposite. He possesses a generous amount of foreskin,
making his dick look like the head of a baby elephant.
- What? Who-- Who are you? What is happening?
[clicking]
- Geez Louise.
Ow!
- Danny!
- Bring it in. - Danny!
- Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh, oh God, God, God!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! What happened? Are you okay?
- Yeah, it's nothing, really.
You should've seen the other guy.
- Yeah? - Oh, yeah.
He was driving the sickest Mercedes when he plowed into me.
- Okay. That looks really bad.
- Oh, and that painting is from me. Hmm?
- Oh! - You like it?
- Yeah, man.
- One more hug? Soft?
- [laughs] Wow, man.
- [Danny groaning]
[♪ upbeat folk continues ♪]
Mmm.
Mm.
- So, how's life living off-grid all this time?
- It's fine, until the grid got bigger.
After a while, it became like
one of Todd Simmons's famous nosebleeds.
- [chuckles] Yeah.
Wait. Who's--
- So, what's with the moving sale?
You moving somewhere?
- Ah, very perceptive of you.
Yeah. Yeah. No.
I'm, uh, heading up to Ottawa, Canada.
- Ottawa? What do you got a girlfriend up there
- or something? - Luke: No.
- Yeah, you do. - [laughs] No.
- [singsong] You have a girlfriend in Canada. Eh-eh.
- I wish. No. - Yeah. You gotta go all
the way up there to get laid, because you can't get laid here.
- Danny, Danny, no. - Sorry.
- No. I-- I am driving up today
to start at the new paleontology research center.
- What, today, today?
- Luke: Yeah.
- You can't leave today. - Why not?
- Well, because I'm here now. I want to hang out.
- Yeah, but I-- I start on Monday.
- Ah, fuck muffin. [groans]
[chair creaking]
I was really hoping to spend some time together
before I start my new job in Tucson next week.
[sighs]
[Danny groaning]
[Danny sighing]
- Hey, man. Why don't you come with me?
- Really? - Yeah.
- You wouldn't mind? - No. I-- I--
I've wanted to spend time with you, too.
- Wow. I'm impressed, Luke.
You really do have faith in your fellow man.
[grunts] It's like Todd Simmons said,
"Faith is all about taking that initial step
without first checking for scorpions."
- Yeah.
Who is this Todd Simmons guy?
- [exhaling]
[grunting]
So, tell me about the job in Ottawa, huh?
- You happy with it? - Oh, beyond happy, man.
It's like, for the first time in my life,
everything's finally making sense, you know?
- And that's a good thing?
- [laughs] Yeah, of course it is.
I get to go on real digs with real paleontologists,
and you know what we're doing on my very first day?
- How would I know that? - We're gonna go to a dig site
where they've already found a brand-new species
of cretaceous-era theropod,
and they've already given her a name, too: Snommisddot.
- Snommisddot. - Yeah.
Apparently, she's massive.
And her femur bone
is exactly five foot, 10 and a half inches long,
which is my precise height,
which is weird and neat, right?
- Yeah. I'm just happy you're happy.
- Yeah. - Just don't freak out
when you learn what actually killed the dinosaurs.
- [grunts] - What do you mean?
- No. Uh, it's too soon.
I'm sorry. I'm just going to shut up now, okay?
- No. No.
What do you think killed the dinosaurs, Danny?
- Well, it wasn't a fucking meteor.
I'll tell you that.
What?
- Just so you know,
I-- I don't actually care that-- that you believe
in all this conspiracy theory stuff.
It honestly doesn't even bother me.
- Conspiracy theory stuff?
Just so you know, all science is theory until proven otherwise.
Did you know that Galileo was once considered
- a conspiracy theorist? - Okay, but just so you know,
even if, somehow, one of your crazy conspiracy theories
just happened to be proven true, nobody would believe you,
because you think everything is part
of some massive conspiracy theory.
So you'd basically just be the boy who cried wolf.
- Oh, just so you know, the boy who cried wolf
- is a personal hero of mine. - Of course he is.
- No. Think about it. He tricked his entire town
into thinking that a wolf was coming,
so by the end, when the wolf actually came,
he had him all to himself, and who doesn't want a little wolf?
[♪ upbeat salsa plays ♪]
Woman: This just in.
Jason Biggs's death has been officially ruled a homicide.
- The suspect is said to-- - [static]
- Woman:...bloody, grisly murder scene.
- [static] - Man: We should all be
very sad, according to his estate.
[static]
- So, tell me about this job in Tucson.
- Oh, yeah. I'm-- I'm really excited about it.
- Is it, like, a-- an office job or...
- The day I set foot in an office is the day I die.
- [laughs] Yeah. So, what is it?
- Oh, I can't say. I-- I signed an NDA.
- Oh, with who?
- Can't say that, either.
- Well, can you tell me anything about it?
- [sighs] Let me think. No.
- Well, come on. You're not being chased
by a bounty hunter or something, are you?
- [banging table] - Jesus, Luke!
[grunts]
I'm not that guy anymore.
- Alright. Sorry. - Sure, at one point,
I was a little off my rocker. Sure, at one point,
I ran for sheriff of Daytona
under the name Deacon Shrimp.
Sure, at one point, I scammed the Portuguese mafia
out of 1,000 fluid ounces of Taiwanese ketamine.
- What? - But I also know
I haven't been the best big brother to you.
I left you all alone in that hell hole,
took out multiple houseboat loans in your name.
- That was you? - But I'm a changed man now
who's trying to get his life back on track,
and... I need you to believe that.
- Uh... yeah. Alright.
- Thank you. [chuckles]
I have no reason to lie to you, man.
Literally not one. Knock on wood.
[knocking]
- Sheriff's Department!
[knocking] Sheriff's Department!
[♪ spaghetti western music plays ♪]
[phone beeping]
Hey. Oh, yeah. He's been here.
Looks like his brother's helping him after all.
- [beeping] - We're going to need
an additional 277 on Luke Davenport,
accomplice to wanted felon Daniel Davenport.
[beeping, static hissing]
[alarm beeping]
♪ Tri martolod so young ♪
♪ Tra-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Tri martolod so young ♪
♪ They sailed away to sea ♪
♪ Tri martolod so young ♪
♪ Tra-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Tri martolod so young ♪
♪ They set sail from Brittany ♪
♪ Tri martolod so young ♪
♪ Tra-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Tri martolod so young ♪
♪ They sailed away to sea ♪
♪ Tri martolod so young ♪
♪ Tra-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Tri martolod so young ♪
♪ They set sail from Brittany ♪
♪ A storm began as they set sail ♪
♪ The waves swelled high around them ♪
♪ The winds were strong, the journey long ♪
♪ They landed in Newfoundland ♪
- [pump clanking] - Danny:...coincidence
that it was around the same time
Bill Gates had Princess Di assassinated,
and that's the fourth reason why
one should never trust the Portuguese.
- What? - Luke: Nothing.
- No. Seriously, man, what?
- Luke: No. It's... It's nothing. Never mind.
- I know that look.
You're contemplating whether or not I'm back on my meds, huh?
- What? How is that a look?
- Well, I am, okay?
I mean, do I look like Todd Simmons on a Spanish holiday?
- Who the fuck is Todd Simmons?
- I swear you have nothing to worry...
- What? What is it? - Nothing. It's nothing.
Uh, I'm just going to go see if Old Man Waters
still lives over there. I'll be right back.
- Old Man Waters? It's clearly made up!
- And it's my turn to drive!
- [sighs]
[♪ suspenseful music plays ♪]
- What the...
- Hands on the steering wheel, now.
- Oh, dear.
- I gotta hand it to you.
I thought I lost you back in Wind River.
You banged me up good.
I don't want your fucking money!
Hands on the wheel! Do it now!
- Oh, dear.
- Does this mean anything to you? Huh?
It's a Taco Gary's taco,
as in the TG truce of '21?
- Who's Taco Jerry?
- It's Taco Gary!
This is a Mercedes, right?
- I don't know. I don't know!
It's my husband's car!
He was using the restroom.
- Oh.
- [sighing]
God damn it!
- I'm truly sorry for mistaking you
for a member of the Coalition.
It was an honest mistake.
I'm assuming you have the child lock on.
Thank you, ma'am.
You have a lovely day.
[engine starting]
[tires screeching]
Shit! Shit! Shit!
[Danny groaning]
Fuck!
You okay?
- Not really, man. I saw it.
- Fuck. Okay. Yeah.
Putting a hunting knife to a grandmother's throat
looks really bad on paper,
but technically that was in self-defense.
- What? No. I'm talking about these.
Fucking M&M's, man.
- Oh, yeah. Me, too.
- [sighs] You're lying to me, Danny, again.
- Relax, Luke! They're just anti-psychotics.
- Nothing bad's gonna happen-- - Not yet,
but I refuse to be the idiot in the horror movie
who sees all the dead animals and the ghost children,
yet doesn't get out.
I-- I feel like I'm being set up for disaster.
- If you would like me to take the regular pills that work,
I will, okay? Pinky swear.
- I love you, Danny. I do,
but I am in a new chapter in my life,
and I don't have time to accommodate you and your...
Wait. What did you do to some grandma?
- Nothing. It's a metaphor.
- Where's my phone?
- You promise you won't get angry?
- Oh, God. - Look.
For your own safety and for reasons I can't disclose yet,
I had to dispose of your phone
via toilet at the gas station.
- Pull over. - Why? We just stopped.
- Pull over!
- Danny: Christ! Calm down!
What is happening right now?
Where you going?
- Get-- - Damn it! What the fuck?
[engine starting]
- Shit. Just wait! Just wait!
- No! It's over!
You're not going to talk me out of it!
- I know! I know.
I understand.
Look. I'm sorry!
You know I hate taking that shit!
It makes me feel too... not me!
- Things make too much sense! - That's a bad thing?
- Can you just get out of the car
so I can give you a proper hug goodbye?
- No! - I'll leave. I promise.
It just might be a really long time before I see you again.
Just come out and give me one last hug,
and then I'm gone, okay?
Please?
[engine shutting off]
Thank you.
I love you, man.
- Love you, too. What-- - [beeping, hissing]
Ah! What the fuck was that?
- I-- I know. I'm sorry. It's for your own good.
- Trust me. - Don't!
- Trust me! You're okay.
- [Luke grunting]
- Alright. That's it.
- [Luke grunting]
- You're okay.
Goodnight, sweet prince.
Ah. They never show this part in the movies.
How hard could it be?
[♪ spaghetti western music plays ♪]
[splashing]
[crickets chirping]
There's Mr. Sleepy Head.
- Wha... [groans]
What happened? Where are we?
- What? You don't remember?
Makes sense. You were pretty damn drunk.
- [groaning]
No. I-- I remember I--
I couldn't find my phone, and--
and then we-- we got in an argument and...
Holy shit. You... You...
- Okay. Fine. I injected you with some ketamine,
but you were having a temper tantrum.
- Oh, you're out of your mind.
You're-- You're-- Oh, God.
[beeping, hissing, thudding]
- Danny: There's Mr. Sleepy Head.
- God damn it! - I know.
This hurts me just as much as it hurts you.
- Why are you doing this to me?
- I haven't been completely honest with you.
I kind of stumbled into some trouble,
and I sort of need to-- How do I say this?
Flee the country, so when I found out
you were going to Canada, I thought it was meant to be,
- you know, like fate. - What did you do?
- Nothing.
I simply took something from someone deemed important.
- Give it back!
- No! The world needs to see this,
- and I need your help. - No!
- Come on, Luke. You're family!
And you know family is the most important thing of all.
Family sticks together, no matter what.
- You paid my neighbor to say that, didn't you?
- Look. It's not my fault your neighbor didn't take
the extra five minutes to memorize his fucking lines!
Look. Whatever, it doesn't matter. The fact is,
I love you, and you're the only one that I can truly trust.
And you have a valid passport,
and we kinda look like each other.
- Oh, I can't believe I fell for this.
No! No! No, no, no! Help!
- Come here, you little rascal.
- Luke: Help me! Help! - [beeping, hissing]
[groans] Stop doing that!
- Look. I'm begging you, man. I need your help,
and I need to borrow your identity one last time.
Just try to see the forest through the trees.
- It's "for the trees," you idiot,
and the answer is no!
I am not gonna risk my chance at happiness for you.
- The thing is, Luke,
I don't think you have any other options.
- Of course I do. I'll-- I'll just suck it up and fly there.
Truck's worthless anyway, and all my important stuff
is already at my new place.
- Yeah, but you can't book a flight
without your phone and your wallet.
- God damn it! Where is my wallet, Danny?
- It's in safe hands. You'll get it once we cross the border.
I know that look.
You wanna cause me physical harm,
but right now, I'm your best and only option.
You'll still get there on time. I promise.
Any questions?
- Can I at least have my shirt back?
- No. Oh, and there's something else I need to give you.
Now, you're probably not ready to hear this,
but that right there is a highly advanced homing beacon.
- This is a Rubik's Cube covered with black Sharpie ink.
- Oh, trust me. That's the highest of high tech.
- I do not trust you. - And don't ask me how I got it.
I'll just say it involved a full-figured Big Foot suit,
a live chicken, and a shit-ton of ketamine.
Now, on the off chance that we get separated,
you press this part down right here,
and I'll know exactly where you are.
- [walkie beeping] - Oh, shit! Get down!
- What? - Get down!
- Luke: No. - At least take a knee!
- Luke: No. - Oh, shit.
The truck's been made.
- Oh, thank God.
- Let go! - If you tattletale,
I swear you'll never make it to your job.
I'll tell 'em you're the mastermind behind all this.
- How you gonna do that? - You really should rethink
your password. Just add a few numbers or big letters.
- Those go a long way. - What have you been doing?
Enough to make it seem like you and I have been accomplices
all along, but if you stick with me, I'll clear your name.
- Pinky swear. - Luke: God damn it.
- Danny: It's okay, brother. I intended for plan A to fail.
This is all part of the plan.
We're just going to skip ahead to step 17.
WWTSD. What would Todd Simmons do?
How many hand grenades do you have on your person?
- Luke: Danny. - Danny: On second thought,
- we don't need a truck. - My passport is in there.
- God damn it, Luke. What were you thinking?
- I was unconscious! - You can say that again.
- That's them! - Shit. Plan C. Run!
You'll never catch us!
We're very armed and extremely deranged!
- Why would you say that? No, no, no, we're-- we're not.
I'm-- I'm not! Fuck!
- Danny: This way! Through the trees!
- Wait!
[♪ cheerful folk plays ♪]
[grunting]
- [cracking] - [shouting in slow motion]
[♪ cheerful folk continues ♪]
- [cracking] - [shouting in slow motion]
- Shit.
- [cracking] - [shouting in slow motion]
[Luke grunting]
[grunting]
- [cracking] - [shouting in slow motion]
- [cracking] - [shouting]
[grunting]
- [cracking] - [shouting in slow motion]
- Man down! - [walkie beeping]
- Luke: Jesus Christ.
[grunts]
- Needs salt.
- [Luke groaning] - Come on!
- Fuck! I'm so fucked!
Why did you say that?
- Oh, that is nothing compared to what I told the authorities
we've been doing for the last two weeks.
- No. You, not we. You!
- Shut up! This is all happening
according to the new plan that I just thought of.
All we need is a ride
so I can connect with an associate I have in the area,
- and that guy's perfect. - Too rare.
- Danny: Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.
I'm going to tell him that my fiancée's dog,
Stanley McRuffRuff, was stolen by a one-eyed Portuguese man
and we're on a desperate and inspiring rescue mission.
- Why would anyone believe that?
- Because no one wants to believe the truth anymore, man,
and people don't let strangers with no pants
ride in their car willy-nilly.
- Why is there no pants? - Bingo bongo.
- What?
What the fuck?
- You know, if something happened to my little ruff-ruff,
I'd do the same thing.
Damn Portuguese.
- Amen, brother.
Oh, right. Uh, for your information,
I've kidnapped my brother
and am forcing him to come along against his will.
He wants to let you know in case you're a witness
in a trial that'll never happen.
- Brothers, huh?
I guess y'all do smell pretty similar.
[cow mooing, whip cracking]
- Luke: Danny, what the fuck are you doing?
- These are the exact coordinates. I triple-checked.
- Oh, uh, excuse me, sir. Do you mind driving me to the hospital?
I-- I've been kidnapped!
- Nice try, Luke,
but no one wants to believe the truth anymore.
Just let me work.
Now that neither of us have a passport
because you're irresponsible,
we're going to require the services of a badger.
It's like a Canadian coyote.
She'll help us cross the border.
[whistle blowing]
[♪ romantic western music swells ♪]
- Let's talk.
[blowing whistle] No running, Eric!
- Danny: It's nice to see you again, Allison.
- It's been a while.
- This is my little brother, Luke.
Ah, I know that look.
You're sexually attracted to her, aren't you?
- So, where you two heading?
- I'm trying to get to Ottawa before Monday,
and he's a wanted felon.
- Ottawa.
What, you guys got family up there or something?
- Man: Eric, slow the fuck down!
- You're a good brother, you know,
helping Danny out like this.
That man has opened my eyes to a lot of truths.
Did you know that there's a metropolis of squid people
living directly beneath Santa Fe, New Mexico?
- [sighs]
- [laughs]
I'm just playing, I don't believe in that kind of stuff.
- Push it, Eric.
- God damn it, Eric.
- I don't get it. You seem so...
- Look. When Danny called me up asking if I knew a badger,
I just went, "Screw it. I'll be your badger."
I've got nothing else to do right now, and Danny always
knows how to spin nothing into something crazy and fun.
- This is not fun, okay?
Before Danny came back,
things in my life were just finally starting to make sense.
- And that's a good thing? Danny will clear your name.
He's gotten me out of much tighter jams than this.
Trust me. And who knows? Maybe by the end,
you'll no longer see this cup as half empty, like me.
- Oh, yeah? Why's that?
- 'Cause I stopped wearing contacts. Can't see shit now.
- I just made contact with an associate of mine.
He's gonna provide us with a new vehicle and weaponry.
- Can he be trusted? - Oh, yeah.
We ran a lot of jobs together back in Pismo.
- No, no, no, no. Danny, please tell me
you're not talking about Klyle.
- I don't know what you'd like me to say, then.
- Oh, Danny, come on. Isn't he, like, the president
of the Flat Earth Society?
- No, not anymore. He knows the world
is a three-dimensional isosceles triangle. Don't worry.
He said to meet him at these coordinates.
- [beeping] - Jesus Christ!
- Relax, baby! You're in a sauna!
This is definitely the spot.
I quadruple-checked the coordinates.
- You said his name was Klyle?
- Yeah. He purposely misspells his name
to make himself harder to track. It's very smart.
[whistle blowing]
- Come with me.
[exhaling]
Were you followed?
- Uh, I don't think so.
- What about that guy?
- Danny: Nope. He's not one of them.
- Well, who's the sheep?
- That's my little brother, Luke.
- Can he be trusted?
- Yeah, 100 percent. He's my brother.
- I see you found yourself a badger.
- Best in the business.
- Only the best for Danny.
- Okay, guys. Can we please just hurry this up?
- How can I help?
- Allison: They need to get to Ottawa.
- Ottawa...
- And no, we don't have any family there.
- Wait.
You're going to Ottawa?
There's no way you stole what I think you stole.
- Maybe I did.
- Oh, you really got it, huh?
Then whip it out and show it to me.
[scoffing, muttering indistinctly]
You do realize that is worth
upwards of 27.7 million USD?
- He's exaggerating. Besides, it's not for sale.
Now, can you help us with a vehicle and weaponry or not?
- You... [laughing, stammering]
Yeah. Yes. Yes, I can.
Take your pick.
- Is this your entire inventory?
- Yeah. My mom isn't CEO of Gucci Vuitton,
I'm sorry to say.
- Ah. [sniffs]
This one doesn't have any side mirrors.
- Yeah. Well, I had to kick them off to decrease wind resistance.
[grunting]
- Smart.
Ooh, impressive.
- If you want anything, all this stuff is 30 percent off.
[♪ flute plays ♪]
Hey, sheep.
Hey, baa-baa sheep.
Hey. Hey!
- You gonna answer me or not? - What was the question again?
- If Grover Cleveland showed up right here, right now,
right next to you and you got to ask him one question,
- what would it be? - I-- I don't know.
I guess I'd ask him what he thought
about current events and stuff.
- [imitating buzzer]
Wrong. Uh-uh.
- Okay, Klyle.
What would you ask him?
- [whispering] How he did it. - How he did what?
- Time travel! How did a man that size
show up right here, right now, right next to you?
That didn't weird you out or anything?
That didn't spring up a bunch of questions in your mind?
- Danny, we already got the car, man! Can we just go?
- [imitating explosions] - Jesus! Be careful, man.
- Relax. It's not even loaded.
- [clicking] - Whoa, Danny!
- The fuck are you doing? - What?
There's nothing to worry about. See?
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Klyle, you son a bitch, you were trying to rip me off!
- Bullshit! You probably had the safety on!
- It's off! Look!
- [clicking] - That is not how you test it!
- What? - Let me see.
- Luke: What? No. Jesus.
What is the matter with you guys? God!
- Klyle: I don't understand it.
It randomly discharged this morning.
It should work.
- Huh.
Wouldn't it be funny if it just randomly went off right now?
- [laughing]
- I mean, a little. [chuckles]
- Mama, you want a taco?
Okay. Your loss.
Mm. Hey. Hey, baa-baa. Next question.
If you could have brunch with one person,
living, dead, or ghost, who would it be?
- My former self, to remind me to never, ever trust my brother.
Seriously, if I miss out on this dig,
I will literally shoot you.
- Wrong answer, pal. - Okay, Klyle!
What's the right one, then?
- Both: Todd Simmons.
- Okay. Will someone please
just tell me who the fuck this Todd Simmons guy is?
- [gun firing] - Allison: Oh!
- Klyle: Shit! - Danny: Oh, my God!
- I told you it worked!
- Oh, fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I've been fucking shot!
- Sure that wasn't there the whole time?
- God! No! Call 911!
- You're fine. It's just a BB.
- Fuck you, Danny! It hurts!
- Check for an exit wound. - What? [yelps]
Somebody help me! Somebody help me, please!
- Restrain him!
- Luke: [yelps] Somebody!
[grunting]
- Not like that, you idiot!
- Ah! Ah!
- Badger, go upstairs to my room
and get the Band-Aids from my grenade drawer.
- On it. - Alright.
We gotta restrain him,
'cause I'm gonna suck the bullet out.
- What the fuck? That's what you do with snake venom!
- Yeah. That doesn't sound right.
- Trust me. I'm a doctor. - Oh, really?
If you're a doctor, let's see your badge.
- Checks out. Proceed, Klyle. - Okay.
- What the fuck? Ah!
- Oh, gross! He's vaccinated! Ugh!
- [firing] - [smashing]
- Oh, shit! - Somebody call 911! Ah!
- I got him. It's okay, Luke.
I'll take care of you, alright?
[Luke groaning]
- [beeping, hissing] - No!
- It's okay! It's just enough to ease the pain!
- How about we make our own exit wound?
I'm gonna push the bullet all the way through.
- Luke: Ah! - Allison: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait! What is happening?
- What does it look like? We're making an exit wound.
- Oh, let me try.
- Whoa! - Wrong arm! Wrong arm!
- Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I'm blind as a bat here!
- Ah!
- Oh! - Luke: Ah!
- Danny: Okay. Alright. Okay. Okay.
- Ah! - [metal clattering]
- Oh, wow. That was satisfying.
- Danny: Okay. Okay. - Ah!
- Everything's gonna be fine, brother. Whew!
Oh, fuck muffin.
Klyle. Klyle.
[♪ tense music plays ♪]
- She must have just bought it. I swear I didn't know!
- Well, now, they know!
- Oh, easy, easy. He's pretty dazed.
- Shh. Shh. - [beeping outside]
- Run. Run! - Allison: Shit, shit.
- Danny: Shotgun!
- [Luke groaning]
Ah!
[♪ propulsive music plays ♪]
- Danny: Go, go, go, go, go!
[tires screeching]
- [thudding] - [grunting]
Oh, fuck muffin.
- [groans] I think I just pissed my pants.
- Are we being followed? - I don't know.
I can't tell without any side-view mirrors!
Shit! Is that them?
- I think so.
Good thing I called shotgun.
- Whoa! What the fuck are you doing, Danny? Calm down.
- It's okay, alright?
I'm just gonna shoot out the tires.
No blood shall be spilled this day.
I mean, no additional blood.
God damn it, Klyle! This one's busted, too!
- No doy. Why do you think it was in the bargain bin?
- Danny: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Klyle: What do we do, man? - The only thing we can do.
- We gotta get to a-- - Both: Taco Gary's.
- It's neutral territory.
No member of the Coalition can do business
inside of a Taco Gary's restaurant.
- Can you please let me out of the car.
- It's the truth, nonbeliever.
When the Coalition was founded,
fights broke out for tickets off world.
The head elders declared their favorite restaurant,
Taco Gary's, as a safe zone.
Violators of the safe zone had their eyes melted
and their souls sold on the galactic slave market.
- It's not that bad. He's exaggerating.
The galactic slave market closed about seven years ago.
Okay. Just keep going straight.
I think there's one just over Jeremonte Ridge.
- Copy that.
[tires screeching]
Get in.
- Voice on speaker: Welcome to Taco Gary's.
Try the new single buffalo blast...
- Sit, sit, sit, sit.
- ...available for a limited time...
- [Luke grunting] - Allison: It's okay.
- Danny.
- It's okay. Stop staring.
We're safe for now.
- Safe for now, but how the heck
are we gonna get out of here alive?
- Voice on speaker:...try Taco Gary's chaos-adilla.
- I don't know. You guys sure she want to kill us?
- Mm-hmm. What she wants is what I stole,
and she'll happily string us up by our testicles to get it.
- Oof. - And your vagina. Sorry.
- Thank you. - You should go
before you're implicated any further.
- [scoffs] You can shove that idea,
because I'm going with you guys all the way to Ottawa.
I gotta see this thing through, buddy.
- No. I can't be responsible for another soul, Klyle.
- Oh, but this guy gets to go?
This useless piece of this guy? No way.
Probably couldn't shoot a pheasant out of the sky
with a sightless crossbow,
but you know who can?
Cash Israel. Yeah.
- You're not friends with him again.
- Yes, I am. - You guys are talking?
- Klyle: Yeah. We're talking, and we're tight.
And he told me one thing. He said,
"I'm gonna teach you everything I know, pal."
And then he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
- Danny: Look. What I have here is worth 27.7 million USD.
I can--
I cannot be responsible for another soul, Klyle.
- Fine. - Thank you.
- I'll leave, but I'm not going out without doing this!
[grunting]
[groaning]
What is this thing?
It's frigging heavy.
What the... It's bolted.
Fine.
God damn it.
Okay. Okay.
- [sighs] Klyle's a lot.
Wha-- What are you doing?
- Jesus. Are you that unaware?
I am done with all of this.
I'm taking whatever you stole, and I'm calling the police.
- You can't do that. What about getting to Ottawa on time, huh?
- If I stay with you, I'll probably never make it up there.
- Let go of my fucking bag!
- Let go! - Hey!
- Did you take something out of here? Huh?
Hell.
What the fuck?
Ah! You truce-breaking fuck!
What happened to the Taco Gary's peace?
- I beg your pardon? - Don't play dumb with me.
I know you're a member of the Coalition.
- Danny. Danny!
[tire hissing]
- No, no, Klyle! No! No, no, no, no! Fuck! Fuck!
- woman: Hey! Watch where you're going!
- Fuck. God damn it!
I swear to God, I'm going to rip off his fucking head,
shove it up his ass, and fuck--
- Shut up!
Listen to me very closely.
You're fucking insane.
- But-- - There is no "but", asshole.
- Wow. I can't believe
my own brother's turning against me, too.
- Of course you can't believe it, because it's the truth.
Look at me. I have been shot and stabbed and-- and drugged
and fucking kidnapped, all in the last 16 hours.
- I know this sounds crazy,
but it's still all part of the plan, okay?
I don't like seeing you like this! You know how hard it is--
- Oh, my God! Are you actually trying to play the victim
right now, seriously? You have got to be
the most selfishly psychotic fuck-up
on the entire planet,
and I am not gonna let you ruin my life anymore.
- Wait. No. You can't go.
- [grunting]
- This whole trip is about you.
- Mom and Dad were right to cut you out of their lives,
and my only regret... is that I didn't do the same.
You are what's wrong with this world, Danny.
Never contact me again.
You coming?
Come on, Allison. You are clearly a smart person.
If you want some excitement in your life, just buy a Vespa.
It's a lot safer than all this!
- [whispering indistinctly]
- I'm going to stay with Danny.
- Ah!
Okay! Okay!
Am I the last sane person left in this entire country?
Okay! Okay!
- It's okay. Just let him cool off a little bit.
He ain't going far.
You want a burrito? I'm starving.
[♪ spaghetti western music plays ♪]
- Okay.
Uh, excuse me.
Hey, uh, can I use your phone?
- I'm not allowed to let customers use the phone.
Use your own damn phone.
- Right. Well, that is a very good idea,
except it has been stolen.
Hence why I'm asking to borrow yours.
- Customers aren't allowed.
- It's an emergency. - What kind of emergency?
- Well, I have been kidnapped and shot, for one.
- You been shot?
You think I'm dumb.
This motherfucker.
- Would it help if I told you that my fiancée's dog
has been kidnapped by a one-eyed Portuguese man
and I need to tell the police about it?
- Bartender: Of course.
Here. Take it.
[dialing]
[phone line ringing]
- Operator: 911. What's your emergency?
- Yes. Hello. Hi. My name is Luke Davenport,
and I have been kidnapped by my brother, Danny Davenport.
I-- I believe he is wanted, or maybe we both are,
but I-- I am the victim here.
I was the one who was kidnapped, and I have been drugged.
And I have been shot, and-- and you--
- Operator: One moment, please.
- So... what brings you out here?
- Were you not listening?
- Oh. Dog guy, right?
- Operator: Is your brother currently with you?
- No, he is not.
- Operator: What's your location?
- Hey, what's the name of this place?
- Huh? What's that?
- Where are we?
- You know, if anything happened to my little ruff-ruff,
- I'd do the same. - I don't...
[tires screeching, siren wailing]
Whoa!
- Hands on your fucking head.
Hands on your fucking head!
- Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait, wait, wait, wait!
- I'm on your side! - [mocking] I'm on your side.
I don't really sound like that. Come on.
Oh. What the fuck is that?
- Sir, that's my penis!
- Wow. Very nice.
It's very nice, but a lot of skin.
What's wrong with that? What's happening there?
- What? No! You don't understand!
- I was taken against my will-- - Shut the fuck up!
- No. It's-- It's Danny that you want,
and I-- I can tell you where he's going!
- You think I'm dumb? Huh?
He's going to Ottawa, him and your other accomplice,
the kooky guy with the beautiful hair.
- No. They are not my accomplices.
- Heh! So you do think I'm dumb.
Okay. That's how we're going to play it?
- No. No. Listen. I just-- I just-- I need to talk
to a lawyer, okay? I do get one phone call?
- Oh, my friend, that is where you're wrong.
You see, I'm not the police,
and you don't get to call nobody.
- What? - [tires screeching]
[♪ spaghetti western music plays ♪]
- Come on.
[indistinct conversation]
[bell dinging]
- [bell dinging] - [♪ classical music plays ♪]
- [grunts]
What is this place?
- My summer bomb shelter, of course.
- Luke: Jason Biggs?
- What? Were you expecting Todd Simmons or something?
- Uh-oh! That was good. Oh, my goodness.
That was funny. [laughs]
Oh, yeah.
- You're supposed to be dead.
- God. You look terrible, buddy.
Tiago, did you offer him a drink?
- I did not. - What about some mango?
I could slice one up for you.
- I'm okay.
- What do you think, Tiago? Should we, like,
tie him up or something? Is that a good idea?
- Tiago: You know, it's really whatever you feel, Jason.
- I don't know, Tiago. That's why I was asking you.
- Do we even have rope? - Oh, we have rope. Come on.
- Okay. Great. Then we might as well use it, right?
- Tiago: Mm-hmm.
- Maybe some duct tape for his mouth?
- Huh? How's that look?
- Perfect. - Great.
- Well done, Tiago. - Thank you.
- Go have yourself some mango.
- Hey, I don't want to be rude,
but I'm kind of, like, ugh,
up to here with mangos for today, so...
- Suit yourself. Heh.
Lots of good mangos not being taken advantage of.
- [chuckles] - Tiago: True.
- Jason: So... ahem, you are probably wondering
why haven't we shot you in the face yet?
- Luke: Unh-unh. - It's because we need
your brother, the criminal formerly known
as Sheriff Deacon Shrimp.
You see, I... am the victim here, okay?
Sure, myself and thousands of others
may be faking our death in order to...
Well, I'm sure you know all that.
- [Tiago, Jason laughing] - [Luke trying to speak]
- What's that?
- [trying to speak]
- Is...
- Do you get-- What? One more time.
- [trying to speak]
- This is-- This is making me so uncomfortable.
This whole, like, you know, tied-up interrogation vibe,
it makes me feel like the bad guy.
- And you're not the bad guy. - Exactly.
- You are the victim. - Thank you.
- Let's scale it back. - Let's scale it back.
- Yeah. Little bit. - Scaling it back. Okay.
Uh...
- Nope. Uh, okay.
How does this look, Tiago?
- Yeah. You know, it looks like two guys
just casually enjoying mangos.
- Perfect! [chuckles] Perfect. Okay. Great.
Great. Now, uh, where was I?
Ah, yes. [clearing throat]
The point is, I am not hurting anyone,
but if I don't have my ticket,
this whole charade would be for naught, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Right.
So I need you to contact your brother
and explain the situation.
- What is the situation?
That I'm being held hostage?
- Hold up! - Whoa!
- [Jason, Tiago laughing] - Wait a minute.
- Stop that. - Yikes.
- Whew! Big word. - No. That's, uh--
Ooh, that word. And-- and again,
I am not the bad guy, okay?
- You know what? - Yep?
- Jason: Tiago? - Yep?
Bring the ropes back.
Okay. Much better. Much better.
Now, you need to inform your brother
that he has 24 hours to find that Kyle friend of his.
- Uh, it's-- it's Klyle.
- What?
- His name is Klyle.
- Are you, like, stuttering, or is...
- No, it's Klyle.
- Klyle? - With, like, an L-sound?
- Yeah. - Huh.
- K-L? - Y-L-E.
- Uh... - Oh.
- Stupid name. - Yeah.
- That does explain, though, why he's been so difficult to track.
- He got you. - Yeah. Very clever.
Very clever. Regardless...
You need to facilitate returning what is rightfully mine,
or...
[cocking gun]
- This dog gets it.
- [whining] - Who-- Whose dog is that?
- Lives are on the line here!
Don't make Tiago become the bad guy.
- I'll do it, but I don't want to.
- Danny doesn't even have a cell phone!
There's literally no way to contact him.
- Oh well, in that case, Tiago?
- Bye-bye, puppy. - No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait.
Wait. I just remembered. He gave me this.
- [sighs] Damn it.
- Oopsie. - Tiago?
- Yeah.
- Did we not frisk him? - I did!
I did, Jason, I swear.
It's just, I got super distracted
by his massive amount of foreskin, man.
It was like tickling a Shar Pei, man.
- You could feel all that? - Dude, you can see it!
- Oh my God. Wow. You can see it.
- Yeah. - Very nice.
- What is it? - I don't know.
He told me it's like, a locating beacon
for if we ever get separated.
- This is obviously just a black Rubik's cube.
Oh, I see what's happening. You think we're dumb.
- No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, not at all.
I know my tech, and that is definitely
some Elder high tech right there.
- Okay, fine.
How does it work, smart guy?
- I-- I don't know.
- Um...
What if I just, like, twist it?
- Good thinking. - Great.
- [whirring] - [screaming]
[screams echoing]
[♪ soft piano music ♪]
♪ Born a worm ♪
♪ Spins a cocoon ♪
♪ Goes to sleep ♪
♪ Wakes up a butterfly ♪
♪ Oh, what the fuck is that about? ♪
♪ What the fuck is that about? ♪
♪ Oooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oooh ♪
[♪ music stops abruptly ♪]
[fire crackling]
- Danny: There's Mr. Sleepy Head!
- What happened? - I don't know.
You were just having one crazy ass nightmare or something.
I'm just kidding. Jason Biggs really did kidnap you.
I figured you'd wander off at some point and get snagged
by one of his minions, so the beacon I gave you
was actually an Elder stun grenade.
- [moaning]
What the fuck is going on?!
- I haven't been completely honest with you.
- No shit!
- The police aren't the only ones that are after me.
I had in my possession extremely classified information.
Proof that aliens not only exist
but have been living amongst us
since the 1996 Summer Olympics.
You just had your first run-in with a member of the Coalition.
They're a group of tech giants and celebrities and politicians
who have been secretly dealing with
said extra-terrestrial beings, we call them "Elders,"
selling Earth's natural resources for decades.
The Coalition agreed to let the Elders suck the Earth dry
under two conditions.
One, that they would provide space shuttles
to go to a new habitable world,
and two, that they'd get 10% of the back end.
Why do you think so many rich and famous people
have been dying at such a rapid pace these last few years?
Take Jason Biggs, for instance.
It's because they're not dying!
They're covering up for the fact that they are leaving
this God-forsaken rock for greener pastures.
- I didn't believe it either
until I saw Jason Biggs face down in a mango.
It might be the most insane conspiracy theory on the planet,
but if everything Danny is saying is true,
then we've gotta do something about it.
- I don't care!
Stop involving me in this!
- We want to let the world know that the planet
is being sold off by the Coalition.
- I don't care!
I just want to go to Ottawa! That's it!
- We're gonna make it to Ottawa,
and you're gonna get there on time.
And once the whistle is blown, no one can touch us.
Like Snowden and other tattletales,
we'll be protected and our names will be cleared.
But you're gonna have to stick with us.
Okay, buddy?
How do you feel about that?
[♪ Muzak plays ♪]
God damn Coalition.
We don't have time for this.
Ooh.
- You all right?
- I just wanted a better life.
A fresh start in a new place.
- You'll get it... one way or another.
- Look at what he has done to me.
Oh, wait, you can't,
because you prefer to be blind!
This isn't normal!
- There's no such thing as normal, Luke.
- [man shouting] - Look, I used to have
a strong narrative that I believed in.
- Stay back! - But after my mom's death,
and losing everything to a houseboat fire,
I realized the only way I was going to survive
this chaotic world is if I just kept admitting to myself
that I don't get it.
I had to accept the absurdity, accept the chaos.
Accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
- Okay, we've gotta go. Right now.
- Hey, boss, can... I just have, like, a couple of notes
but like, I don't want you to take this the wrong way. Okay?
- Yeah. Sure, sure, sure. - Okay,
sometimes I feel like we can, um, like,
shorten the time between, like, talking to the people
- and, like, killing them. - That's a good note.
Good note. Thank you.
- You know, the power that you exude
when you, like, say less, is, wow.
- I understand what you're saying. I get it. I get it.
- Thank you, Tiago. - But, like, do you, though?
- Yes, Tiago! I said I get it.
God.
[cellphone buzzing]
- I have what you seek. If you'd like to end this race,
come to the following coordinates
with $27.7 million dollars
in a large Gucci Vuitton briefcase.
This is Klyle, by the way.
You know I don't mess around.
[toilet flushing on video]
How do I turn this off?
I was not shitting.
- [laughs]
Did you hear that?
- Tiago: No, I'm pretty far away.
- What? - No.
- 'Cause I'm pretty far away. - Okay.
- Hey, Tiago, what rhymes with "12:30 am"?
- Phlegm. - Phlegm! Okay, yeah.
I can make that work.
- Oh. Looks like Klyle just crossed the border.
- How do you know?
- Same reason I knew where Luke was... microchips.
You see, your soccer mom conspiracy theorist
thinks that the government tracks us through vaccines.
Not true. In fact, not even the Elders have that kind of tech.
No, it's any time you go get your teeth cleaned
or a cavity filled, the dentist injects you with microchips.
- So, you're saying all dentists are actually undercover
- government agents? - Contractors, yes.
Think about it. I mean, have you ever met a dentist
that doesn't seem like they're hiding some horrible secret?
The answer is no.
So, what's our plan for crossing, badger?
- Oh, hah!
[laughs]
Now it's time for you to get a taste of your own bullshit!
Go on, tell him, Allison.
Tell him that you-- you're not really a badger
or whatever the fuck. Or no, no, better yet,
why don't you say...
"I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny."
- Luke, I don't think you--
- No, no! Just, tell him the truth.
- I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
- Ha-ha!
- What do you mean?
- [sighs]
I mean... the subterranean bobsled track that was
big enough to smuggle cars collapsed last fall.
We're gonna have to pass through cross point 11
using a basic diversion tactic. From 3pm to 5pm there are
only two agents stopping us from getting across.
From there, it's a straight shot to highway 34.
- God damn it!
- So, your subterranean bobsled track, that's like,
a Canadian version of an Underground Railroad.
- Shut up! - Would've been perfect.
No matter. So, what's your diversion plan?
- I'll leave that up to you, but it's gotta be big.
Afterwards, meet up at these coordinates just north
- of the border. - Copy that. Roger.
Over and out.
These days, its hard to hold anyone's attention,
so it's gotta make as little sense as possible.
We need to make a few stops.
[chicken clucking]
Phew! Well, that went smoothly.
Okay. According to Klyle's teeth,
he's just off the main road by Big Mountain Crest.
Aren't you even gonna ask me how I made it look like
I sucked the blood out of that live chicken
- without actually having-- - [laugh]
- [forced laugh]
- [laughing hysterically]
[laughing continues]
[♪ downbeat spaghetti western music plays ♪]
[clucking]
Bawk-bawk. Bawk...
- Allison: What happened?
- Is that rhetorical, or can you actually not see?
- Both.
- Whoa.
I can tell by Klyle's teeth he's still alive.
We just have to follow his tracks.
You can see here, he was dragged off by several people
or one person who was really good at break dancing.
We'll go with the former.
- [laughing, muttering]
- You okay, bud?
- Oh, yeah. I'm totally cool, man.
- I know that look.
You look like you're about to have as psychotic break.
- Right again, Danny!
You've actually been right about a lot lately.
- But? - No, there's no "but," man.
You're fucking Galileo. You're-- You're--
You're the boy with the wolf.
In fact, I can't believe I'm about to say this
after everything you've put me through, but...
I am sorry for ever doubting you.
You clearly know more about how the world works than I do.
In fact, I would give you a hug right now,
if I could, but you know.
- Well, that's so sweet.
I'm glad you finally came around.
- Yeah.
- Aww. Love you, man.
- Love you too.
- [screaming] - [beeping, hissing]
- Fuck! - No! No! Back off!
- Back off! - Calm down!
- I am calm. I am being calm. I am the only one whose calm.
- No, no, no, no! - [shouting]
- [snorting] That's better. Ow!
- [beeping, hissing] - What are you doing?
[shouting]
- [snorting] Ooh!
- [beeping, hissing] - Fuck! Stop! Jesus Christ!
- Focus on the eyes, look me in the eyes.
- You look at me! - Calm down.
- You can't even see! You can't see any of this!
- Get some fucking glasses! - [snorting]
- [beeping, hissing] - What? No! Stop. Okay, enough!
Fuck. Ah. [snorting]
Ow, fuck! I did too much. Gimme one more.
- [beeping, hissing] - Ah! Now we're even. Okay.
[shouting indistinctly]
- No, no, wait! Wait! What about our deal?
- I'm dealing with this. - Hey, a deal is a deal.
We signed the contract in Taco Gary's guacamole picante.
- I did my part. - Okay.
Take your damn ticket.
Wait up!
- Good luck. - [clucking]
Got the golden ticket.
- Danny: Not bad, bro!
I'm proud of you for taking the initiative.
- Luke: You don't need me anymore. Let me go.
- There's no point in leaving, Luke.
I haven't been completely honest with you.
There is no job in Ottawa.
- Nice try. Go fuck yourself!
- There's not. I made the whole thing up.
- It's not gonna work!
- All right, if you don't believe me,
take the name of that new dinosaur,
"Snommisddot," and spell it backwards.
- [scoffs] As if!
That's-- That's just the stupidest thing I ever...
[stammering]
No. No...
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It spells "Todd Simmons," doesn't it.
- [sighs]
- I'm sorry, brother, but the ends justify the beans, okay?
This is for your own good.
- Luke: It was you?
This whole time, the months of emails.
And the calls.
The fucking femur bone?
- Yeah, it was a lot of work,
but I knew it was the only way to safely get you to Ottawa.
- Why do you hate me so much?
- Danny: I don't hate you. I love you!
And it doesn't change anything.
Whether you like it or not,
I'm the one that got you into this mess
and I'm the only one who can get you out,
so, we have to stick together.
Alright, look, feel free to punch me.
I deserve it. Come on. Let me have it.
I can't feel my face anyways.
[♪ spaghetti western music plays ♪]
Come on, bro, I'm sorry!
Just let me explain everything, all right?
Klyle, you dirty piece of shit.
I know exactly what happened here.
He's trying to give the prize back to the Coalition
but got taken instead!
The backstabber becomes the back stabbed, stabbee,
got-stabbed-in-the-back guy.
If he only knew that money would be completely worthless
in two weeks, anyways.
[speaking indistinctly]
Who is that?
- That's... it's Jason Biggs.
He's trying to... Never mind.
- Watch your knees. There we go. There we go.
- Jason: Okay, do the rope.
- Rope, rope, rope, rope.
Huh? Huh?
Yeah, there we go. Okay. Very "hostage."
- Jason: Hey, hey, look at me. No, look at me.
I'm not the bad guy, okay?
I'm as much as a victim as you are.
You think I want to be here? I don't wanna be doing this.
- Klyle: Neither do I! That's why I'm out of here.
[grunting]
- Danny: Oh, shit.
- Tiago: I believe he's trying to kick us.
- Klyle: Sweep!
- And that's why you never take martial arts lessons
from Cash Israel. It's all leg sweeps.
- Klyle: Sweep! Marco. - Tiago: Polo.
- Okay. - No, oh, the sweep.
- Jason: Go over there.
- Marco. - Polo.
- Now go over there. - Klyle: Sweep!
- Tiago: Polo!
- Klyle: Take the two of you at once!
- What in the world is he doing?
- Klyle: Axe kick! I need a break. Hey, hey.
- Klyle: Let me catch my... - Hey come...
- Klyle: Okay. - Let's lay down over here, man.
- Is this a rest area? - Tiago: Yeah, rest area.
Just watch your knees, watch the knees.
- [cross-talking] - Klyle:...some electrolytes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you.
- [gunshot firing] - Holy shit!
- Jason: Oh God! No, no, no! This was supposed to...
- Tiago: Go check the minivan.
It's gotta be in there somewhere.
- Yes, they don't have it yet!
- Hold my waist! - Okay, I got you.
- Wait a minute. Do you remember when Klyle was talking
about a secret smuggling compartment under
- the minivan passenger seat? - Holy shit. They killed him.
- Yes, it has to be there!
Come on.
- [Luke whimpering]
- Come on, bro!
Ah!
She stranded us here! I should have known better.
It's like Todd Simmons always said--
- Danny! - Hang on. Hang on.
I think it's in here.
I got it! I got it!
I found it! I got it!
- I don't care. - Well, you should care.
This is probably the most important thing
- that you'll ever-- - [gunshots]
Ah! Shit!
- Sir!
Can I have a hug?
Sir! Can I just please have one hug?
- [beeping, hissing] - Sorry, man.
[panting] Oh, let's do this.
Wait, how many times did you tranq me again?
- I don't know, like, five.
- I... need a bump... of coke... Oh, dear.
- [thudding] - You gotta be kidding me!
[gunshots ricocheting]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ah!
- Come on. - [gunshots ricocheting]
[groaning]
Oh! Okay! Uh...
Whoa!
Sorry, Danny. Okay.
- [gears clunking] - What the fuck? No.
Oh, God. [panting]
Too many fucking pedals!
[gears grinding]
Ah! How does this work? Fuck!
No, leave me alone!
Fuck!
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Hang on, Danny!
[♪ heroic spaghetti western music plays ♪]
[♪ Muzak plays ♪]
- Welcome back to Taco Gary's.
Check your weapons in with me, sir.
- Okay. [panting]
- Voice on speaker: ...siesta at Taco Gary's,
so eat up like there's not tomorrow.
- Okay.
Okay, buddy. Wakey-wakey.
- [snorting]
Ah! Whoo! Mmm. Mmm.
- It's okay, it's okay. You're safe now.
- What happened? Where are we? Are we on the shuttle?
- No, we're at Taco Gary's. You passed out.
- Really? - Yeah.
- That doesn't sound like me.
I must've been trying to teach you a valuable life lesson
- or something. - Hey, guys.
I've gotta say, this has been a blast. Really.
All the chasing and the shooting, wow! How fun.
- Okay, it has had its moments. - Come on, right?
- Yeah, it has.
- Jason: We've been having a great time.
- What was your favorite, like...
- Marco Polo was funny. That was really funny,
watching him run around, he was like...
- Like, kicking... - He thought there were like,
six of you. It was great.
- Anyways, please hand it over. - Oh, you want it?
- Okay, listen. - This motherfucker.
- We are aware-- - [grunting angrily]
- Okay. [shushing]
We are aware of the Taco Gary's truce,
but you're gonna have to leave eventually
if you want to catch that shuttle.
- Oh, really, so you can kill us too?
- If you just hand over the ticket,
we will let bygones be bygones.
- You blew my best friend's head off.
- Mmm, he said you were just associates.
- No! We were best--
actually, you know what, I never really liked the guy.
- Hey, guys, look me in the eyeball.
Right here, okay. Last chance to save your skins.
Please just fucking hand it over.
- Yeah, just give it back to 'em, Danny.
- No. Fuck you, Jason Biggs,
- and your Portuguese Popeye. - Super rude.
- People need to know about this.
- Why? So they can pretend they know what's best for humanity?
Please. Leave that to us celebrities.
- Tiago: Yeah, and celebrity-adjacent people.
- No. - You talked about this to me.
- Just celebrities. - Sorry I did it again.
- Voice: That is enough.
- Tiago: Oh my goodness.
- Luke: What's this now? - Danny: It's a piss-eyed Elder.
- A what? - A fucking alien, dude.
- You two. Stand up.
- Your majesty, these are the ones that have--
- Silence. Unless you would like to ejaculate guacamole picante.
- What?
- I can make any human secrete guacamole picante
from any orifice. Behold.
- [groaning] - [squelching]
- See?
- What do you want, you cunt-quistador?
- Clever. Follow me.
Daniel, Lucas.
We travel by silver Sonic.
No one would suspect the master race of the galaxy
to drive a spacious yet affordable compact sedan.
A great cover with a great turning radius.
- Just get to the point.
- Ah, yes. I have been following you two for some time now.
- Creepy.
- You want to expose us.
- Hell yeah, we do!
- This can't be. How? Why is...
- Elder: A galactic super race interested in Earth?
I will soon show you.
- Trust me, Luke, you don't want to know.
- No, no, no. He should know the whole truth.
[taco crunching]
We are here for the same reason why your people invade,
well, anywhere.
- Oil. - Luke: For fuck's sakes!
- Elder: Yes, it is true.
Every planet in the galaxy runs on oil.
- Told you, Luke. It's fucking bonkers.
- We are currently collecting the last
of your earthly reserves.
Once our extraction is complete,
we plan on exterminating all life on this planet.
- Why?!
- Elder: Dead organic material
mixes with other sediment when buried.
Over millions of years,
under high pressure and high temperature,
the remains of these organisms transform into
what we know as fossil fuels.
By exterminating all life,
we are simply creating a new oil reserve
to be harvested in 16 million years,
which, to an Elder, is not long at all.
We did the same process
with the organisms you call "dinosaurs".
- You killed the dinosaurs?
Literally my one and only interest?
- Told ya you weren't ready. - No. No. No, no, no.
This doesn't make any sense, because if you can fly
through space and live for millions of years,
then why don't you just synthesize your own fucking oil?
- Well, it is very political.
Too many jobs would be lost
by transitioning to greener hyper coils.
- Fucking unions.
- However, we are not barbarian invaders.
Therefore, we have made a deal with your chieftains.
In exchange for the oil and destruction of all life,
we have allowed for passage to a brand-new planet development
in the midwestern Milky Way.
- I think I'm going to throw up.
- Was it something I said?
- Uh, yeah! It's everything you said.
- [projector clicking off] - Listen, human.
We Elders are not without our empathy.
I feel your plight, and your anguish.
- Cool.
- You'll be glad to know that I will asking
our board of directors for a 100 year delay
in humanity's destruction.
- A hundred years? - Yes.
All you must do is continue to keep our existence a secret.
- Why? I wasn't sworn to anything.
I'm not part of the Coalition.
- [card chiming] - You are now.
[water running]
- Fuck it.
- And I will transfer the $27.7 million
into your bank account immediately.
- Was that all? - You're forgetting one thing.
- Ah, yes. I will also free the squid people
underneath Santa Fe, New Mexico.
- Great. I've gotta hand it to you.
I was not expecting this
from a smug alien fuck like yourself,
but you've got yourself a deal.
- Fantastic. Now we seal the agreement
with a simple genital cupping.
- Of course we do. Fucking weirdos.
- A little higher.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Elder: Come now.
[♪ ethereal music plays ♪]
- [shouting] - [beeping, hissing]
- Ow.
- Oh, Dearlock... - [thudding]
- There! Happy now?
We've got all the proof that you need,
and then we can just return the whatever-the-fuck
- to Jason, and-- - What the fuck are you doing,
you idiot?! We were just about to--
Actually, you know what? Fuck it, it's better this way.
- Come on. Let's go. - What about the alien?!
- Oh, yeah. Uh... [sighs]
I haven't been completely honest with you.
- God damn it!
- The plan was never to reveal them to the world
or blow any whistles, okay?
- Then why are you doing all of this?
What is the point? Why did I just assault a freakin' alien?
- I didn't tell you to do that! Look, whatever,
the world's about to end and the shuttle's leaving today,
so forget this thing and its two-headed dick. Come on!
[♪ spaghetti western music plays ♪]
- Please answer the question!
Why-- Why are you trying to fuck me over so hard?
Why am I here?
- I told you! The shuttle is here.
- What shuttle?
- Fuck!
- Oh! Bingo bongo. - [beeping]
- Computerized voice: Coalition ID confirmed.
Welcome!
- The entrance to the space port is around here somewhere.
I'm 99.7% sure this is where the Elders first made contact.
This is where they had their first Taco Gary's taco.
It has to be here. It could look like anything.
It could be tiny, it could be invisible,
it definitely won't look like a door.
Fuck!
[ethereal humming]
- Is this it?
[ethereal humming]
- Yes! Yes!
Good eye. Yes!
Come on.
- Danny. Danny. Danny.
No!
- Voice on speaker: ...Welcome to the Taco Gary's
Interstellar Space Port...
- Holy shit.
- Hmm?
- Voice on speaker: Welcome to the Taco Gary's
Interstellar Space Port, located in beautiful Ottawa,
birthplace of the Bingo Bongo Burrito...
...So, eat up, like there's no tomorrow!
- Luke.
I haven't been completely honest with you.
- Yeah, I know that-- - But you don't know why.
The reason I haven't been completely honest with you
until this exact moment
is because you'd never believe it all at once.
- Fair.
- When I found out that we only had a couple weeks left,
I knew I had to get you on the last shuttle out of here.
And I know I've done nothing but lie to you,
but if there was ever a time for you to trust me,
- it's right now. - [beeping]
So, you're gonna take this ticket.
And you're gonna get on that shuttle.
You know why?
'Cause your life depends on it.
Take it.
- Jason: But it's my ticket! It was meant for me.
You are not seeming to grasp the complaint here.
- Alien: Present it, and you may board.
- It was stolen! - Oh, that's too bad.
Possession may be nine tenths of the law for humans.
It is 100% for Elders.
We do not have laws against stealing.
- What? Why not?
- Because we do not steal. Duh. [laughs]
Every Elders has what he, slash she, slash Gliborb needs.
- Minus affordable gasoline.
- What was that? - What was that?
- Hmm? - What?
- Two dicks says what? - I missed that. What?
- Look, this isn't fair. Okay? I faked my own death already!
- I'm sorry, but no ticket, no boarding.
- Jason, look!
- Go! Go, go, go!
- Next.
- Voice on speaker: Attention, all passengers.
The shuttle will be boarding in seven minutes.
- But what about you? - Don't worry about me,
you've done enough of that in your life. Okay?
This is me returning the favor.
- No, no, because if all that were true, then--
then why me, man?
And why not like, a doctor or even a competent swimmer?
- Because you offer something that most of
these self-entitled "important" people here don't.
You are a good person.
You care about your neighbors, your family.
You make people feel good about themselves.
Yeah, sure, the new world will need innovators
and goal-driven risk takers to keep humanity moving forward,
but kind, delicate good neighbors like yourself
are the foundation.
So, knowing that there will be good people like you
on Earth 2.0 gives me hope.
And that's more than enough for me.
- This is absolutely insane.
- I know it is!
It's fucking insane, but I need you to embrace the chaos.
I need you to accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
Look, I am asking you, do you trust me?
- I can't believe I'm about to say this, but...
yeah.
- Thanks, dude.
- Jason: Cough, cough.
I can't believe my good luck. Makes me wonder
why I didn't just wait for you guys here.
But alas, can't change the past.
Anyway, this is the part of the story--
- Hey, hey, Jason, please. Hello.
- What? - You're doing it again, man.
- Doing what again? - The fucking monologue.
- We talked about this. - Sorry.
- Can I please just shoot them? - You're right. Okay.
- Much simpler. - No more monologues.
- Thank you very much. - Thank you.
- [beeping] - Danny: See ya!
- Tiago? - Yep?
That was on me. So sorry.
What the fuck, man?
- This way.
[♪ propulsive music plays ♪]
[panting]
- What do we do now? - Shh.
- Tiago: Whoopsie!
Looks like it's over, huh?
You see, we are covering the only exit.
I'll tell you what. You come on out,
and there will be no more bloodshed.
Promessa Portuguesa.
Now that is a Portuguese promise.
- I knew it would end one day in an office.
- What? - Nothing.
I have a plan.
When I give you the signal,
you run back to the space door. Got it?
- What about it you?
- Didn't I tell you to stop worrying about me?
- What the fuck?
- [in a New York accent] Bingo bongo!
Get yer tickets to outer space here!
- There!
- Hey, assholes! I have your prize!
Come and get it!
- Jesus, what the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
- Come and get it, you mango-eating motherfuckers.
Hey, Luke! This is the signal!
Go, go, go! Luke, go, run!
- Thank you. Well, well, well.
Seems to me--
- Please, not another fucking monologue. Please.
- You're right. - Let me just do it.
- Go ahead, go ahead. - Thank you so much.
- Run, Luke!
[♪ "Steadfast Love" by Floating Action plays ♪]
♪ So many years, got a face that's old ♪
♪ Saw the world unfold ♪
[in slow motion] Run, Luke!
♪ And the truth be told in a steadfast love ♪
♪ In a steadfast love ♪
♪ It's a steadfast love ♪
- Tiago: Oh my God, that felt so satisfying.
- It looked great. - Thank you.
- You looked so good. - Thank you.
- Yeah, it looked really good. - [beeping]
Why is-- What's going on? Is this empty?
- Son of a bitch! - It's empty!
- Look, that motherfucker is right there!
Come on!
♪ Nah-nah-nah ♪
♪ Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah ♪
♪ Nah-nah-nah ♪
[♪ song fades ♪]
- Ah...
The boarding pass, please.
I know what you're thinking.
"Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me already?
"Doesn't even matter as the world will end in two weeks."
But this isn't easy for us.
- Jesus Christ, man, can you literally
not help yourself with the monologue shit?
Sorry, did... What do you mean,
the world is gonna end in two weeks?
- Oh, come on.
I told you, this is the last shuttle.
I thought you figured it out already.
- No, I didn't figure it out!
Wait, are the Elders destroying the Earth?
- No, no, no. Not at all. - Oh, thank goodness.
- Just all life on Earth. - What?
Why didn't you just tell me the truth, man?
- No one wants to believe the truth anymore.
- You said I would inherit your fortune!
- Jason: You still do. - And I have like
- two weeks to spend it? - Twelve days, technically.
- Oh, you liar. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tiago, what are you doing, buddy?
Come on, it's me. Jason.
So I wasn't completely honest with you,
but it was for your own good, buddy.
I wanted your last precious moments
to be lived in blissful ignorance.
Again, I am the good guy, here.
- Actually, no, Jason. You are not the good guy.
You are the bad guy.
You have always been the bad guy.
- [gasps] You take that back.
I am the hero! [laughs]
Leonardo, come on, help me out here?
- Tiago: Thank you.
- This is why you should never trust the Portuguese.
- What'd you say? - What was that?
- You said something about the Portuguese?
- No, nothing. - No, fuck you, man!
You know, I changed for you! And fuck this eye patch.
You know he told me to wear it because it would make
me more intimidating? Well, guess what?
It doesn't, this gun does!
New plan.
I'm taking the fucking ticket.
[chicken clucking]
What the hell?
What is that, like, supposed to be?
- Jason: Is it supposed to be, um, give me a sec.
- Tiago: Can't take my eyes off it. Look at it.
- Give me a second. Gimme a sec. Ah!
But what's the significance of the boobs, though?
- Tiago: It's like, super hypnotic,
but it makes no sense, though.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
It's not supposed to make any sense.
- Because... - Both: It's a ruse!
Fuck muffin!
- They shot Danny!
- I know! Just keep running!
- [tone beeping] - This is the final
boarding call for the last shuttle to New Earth.
Doors will be closing momentarily.
If you do not wish to be incinerated
and repurposed as fossil fuel,
please proceed to the gate immediately.
- Okay. I got it! I got it!
- I got it! - [gasps]
[bullet ricocheting]
[♪ Musak plays ♪]
- Excuse me, sirs.
But murder is not allowed in a Taco Gary's.
[bullet clattering]
And this port is technically on Taco Gary's property.
So you know the penalty.
- You see why I kept you in the dark.
- I see it now. I'm sorry.
- Oh! - Oh, wow.
- This is all your fault. - I know, I'm sorry!
- [screaming] - [sizzling]
- What's that smell? - I don't know, dude.
- Mangos? - Fuck, yes.
- Both: Mangos!
- Oh dear. - [beeping]
- Welcome aboard.
- Oh dear.
[♪ "Weeds Or Wildflowers" by Parsonfield plays ♪]
♪ Well, I came along to find a little peace of mind ♪
♪ Neglected all my duties ♪
♪ Stepping off that straightened line ♪
♪ Now I just sit by my front door ♪
♪ Filled with indolence and sound ♪
- [exhaling]
♪ It's like I'm watching the weeds grow on the ground ♪
Look, Luke.
This is going to be hard to hear,
but it's what Danny expected to happen all along.
He never planned on leaving,
but he didn't want you to be alone.
- I still don't get it.
- Embrace it. Look, this is the norm, Luke.
The world is always ending.
Things never make total sense,
and sometimes our only option is to just go with the flow.
It's the one thing we can control.
Do you know who said that?
- [sighs]
Todd Simmons.
- And now you get it.
♪ You pass something down ♪
♪ No matter where or how ♪
♪ Well, there'll be weeds or wildflowers ♪
♪ Affixed upon your bows ♪
♪ And there's a crooked burning cigarette ♪
♪ Rolling on your tongue ♪
♪ Well, there'll be weeds or wildflowers ♪
♪ When you're done ♪
♪ Da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da ♪
♪ Blown about by the wind ♪
♪ And the worthless little thing ♪
♪ But the world can feel the changes ♪
♪ Of a butterfly's wings ♪
♪ And so that crooked burning cigarette ♪
♪ Rolling on your tongue ♪
♪ Will leave its weeds before your flowers yet have sprung ♪
♪ Will there be weeds or wildflowers when you're done? ♪
[♪ song ends ♪]
[♪ tense spaghetti western music plays ♪]
[♪ song ends ♪]