-Hold all my-- Whoa!
♪ Grab a high chair This the family business
-Hello!
Thank you so much for hiring--
-Good tidings! Thank you for--
-Sup. I'm Austin. And thanks for--
-And thank you so much
for hiring a trusted member of The Uncuddleables co-op.
You won't be disappointed, Mr. and Mrs. Templeton.
Have fun, Mr. Mayor!
Don't kiss any babies I wouldn't kiss!
Good one. Call us if you need anything.
Don't touch the fancy silverware.
It's for JJ's cotillion.
No probs.
I bring my own.
Good babysitter's gotta be ready for anything.
Now, my little Dez can be a bit shy.
He's probably playing hide and seek in one of his forts.
Dez?
Be not afraid of your kindly babysitter, my wee ward.
Be afraid of me.
"Just let Pip watch TV.
Respectfully yours, Pip's parents."
Their target spotted, the killer bees release a pheromone
to let their swarm know it is time to strike.
-Uh...
-We'll only be gone a few hours.
Mommy promises.
Teenie-Weenie, time to go to the sitter.
Keep pulling, I got one of her thumbs loose.
Sorry, Mia. Never left her with anyone else.
All good. Not my first first-timer.
Love that experience. Lucky to have you sitting our babies.
-Dad! -Tim.
Shoot, sorry!
Obviously you're not babysitting Tabitha,
you're being present with a very responsible younger person who--
How about Tabitha works with me?
We'll call her my official babysitter trainee.
That'd be amazing!
-Would you? -Sure!
Show me the ropes of your house, I'll show you my babysitting ropes.
No literal ropes, of course.
We don't tie up babies.
-Love you! -Have fun, be good!
Let me get settled in and we can start training.
Don't say anything yet. I wanna take notes!
Babysitting trainee?
It's one of the few career paths open to entrepreneurs my age.
Don't blame me, blame child labor laws.
I do! But she's the enemy.
She's not my enemy.
I don't think she needs to be yours.
Sing it to your chanting circle.
I'm serious.
If there's one thing I've learned from my Model United Nations Club,
it's that any opposing nations can find common ground
with the right neutral party to arbitrate.
And me? I'm Malta.
Malta.
A constitutionally neutral state for 40 years.
You couldn't have model UN'd as Switzerland?
Cici Smuthers already took Switzerland, okay? Excuse me.
They actually left us.
Yes, that's how babysitting works.
You think you've prepared yourself for this, but when it actually happens...
-And Tabitha-- -I know, I know.
This doesn't change anything. Mission's still on.
-You good? -No.
I'm bad.
Always check for sharp edges.
Cabinets, tables, shredded wheat.
Good. Faster you learn, faster you earn this.
Whoa.
-Did you get these professionally made? -Same printer that does cards for my dad,
Mortello LeGreat.
The certified public accountant whose name sounds like a magician
but he just does taxes, sorry.
I've seen his commercials!
And I've seen enough.
Let's cut to the chase.
This doesn't have to get--
It's cool. The baby wants to talk, let's talk.
I don't wanna talk.
I said, let's cut to the chase.
-I got the babysitter. -Hey!
Tina!
Think it's coincidence your whole co-op
got called to sit at our field team's homes?
This is an operation.
A game of camouflage and discover, eh, Dez?
Well, I live for drama.
-I'm a spooky ghost!
Welcome to your haunting.
We're tired of playing defense
every time you growth-spurt goof-ups try to wreck our business,
so now it's our turn.
Schnackity schnack time!
-Uh, JJ?
Fancy mustard spoons!
Oopsie-woopsie!
Did I take out the good silverware that my mommy said was a huge no-no?
Guess I should put it away.
I have found myself in a pickle.
-All right! -Hey!
We've prepared a journey into the fiery depths
of your own personal babysitting nightmares.
And sooner or later, one of you is gonna crack.
Once provoked, the killer bees won't stop swarming
until the victim tastes their deadly sting.
-Tell me more about the bees. -Uh...
-Hey! -One way or another,
your co-op's getting run out of the babysitting business.
So tell me, Uncuddleable, how ugly do you want this night to--?
I've got nothing to talk about with you!
Guys!
Normally we don't carry babies by their nether-covers.
Put that in your notes.
It doesn't have to be like this.
I've got babies in my family and babysitters as my friends,
and if I don't have a problem,
don't you think we can work out your differences?
-Never! -Sounds great!
Yes! One down, Malta.
You're on diplomatic fire.
Gonna get snacks. Can't negotiate a peace treaty without peace treats.
Already begging for mercy?
Nah, just getting rid of the witness.
Straitjacket Swaddler.
You wanna play nasty?
We can--
-What? -No, no, go on.
Can't believe she's making it so easy.
-What? -Just keep threatening the babies.
-Right into the camera if you don't mind? -Spy cam!
Lots of spy cams, actually.
Got more eyes than a spider with a baked potato.
And in all our team's houses.
Spy, spy, spy.
I told you, you were getting run out of business.
You wanna blow it up yourselves, go for it.
We can make a compilation. I'll put scary music on it, like:
Bad babysitters.
Cheater.
Nothing babies love more than a tight swaddle.
You think I can't adapt?
I'm a sitter, baby.
Tina-bean, you don't need one 'cause you're so good and helpful, right?
You know I am!
That was weird.
Hold still.
Heads up. The babies got cameras!
Dang, for real-io?
Good thing I'm just backwards-burping this baby!
Now release those fancy spoons!
Iron Diaper Clench!
They're gonna try to run us out of business,
but we're still the babysitters here!
Just make sure it looks good.
No photos?
Has he hidden for years, knowing that at this moment
Antonio would be searching for him?
Does this baby know the future?
It's your duty to warn us of impending natural disasters!
He's lost his mind.
My work here is done.
Suitcase out.
Did someone say suitcase?
I'm compromised.
Greetings, little Dez.
Dez never existed, Antonio.
Only spooky ghosts!
Austin, you good? What's the little guy doing?
Nothing. And it's freaking me out!
You just know when he does, it's gonna be bad.
So don't let him run things!
You're the sitter, take charge!
Yeah.
That's enough screen time, my dude.
TV!
TV, TV, TV!
TV!
Are we just yelling now?
Because I know that game too.
-I brought cookies. -This little piggy went to-- Oh!
-Hi, Tabs. -Wow.
Teach me that! How'd you get him calm?
Unbind my foot and I'll show you where my little piggies go!
No! You're playing into their worst beliefs about you.
Not our Tina-Weena, though.
She's being so good she deserves extra cookies.
I do, I do. I'm oh-so-sweet.
Reward me with your praise and sugar.
Sorry. I mean, we ride with chaos in our veins.
It means "enjoy your meal."
It's the only Maltese I know.
I'm declaring an emergency model UN Peace Summit.
My room.
We're not in a talking mood.
I'm game. And what about you, my sweetest of Tinas?
Wouldn't you like a tea party?
Did you not hear me? We're not--
Yes, I'd love it!
Yes, you would! Yes, you would!
All right, two onboard!
Tina, no!
The Uncuddleables are monsters!
Silly monster!
Sorry, private summit.
You had your chance.
I've lost visual on my Uncuddleable!
Tell me one of yours is close to cracking!
Can't talk. He's getting close. My disguise must be immaculate.
Maybe if I grow a flower, he'll be distracted by its beauty.
JJ?
Oh. I am so sorry.
JJ's busy right now.
She hid the good silverware so now she has to eat with mine.
What is this thing?
It's a foroon.
Half fork, half spoon, all 'tude.
It's just the handle parts, boss!
And she made me soup!
It takes years to become the master of the foroon.
Pip? Need someone to come through for us!
-TV, TV!
I got no more screaming juice.
Me neither. Can I watch my tablet?
If you're feeling scared or frightened,
just listen to the sound of my smooth, sensible voice.
You watch Ranger Safety Binkerton?
He practically raised me!
The ranger meditates.
Om, om, a-namaste.
The ranger meditates.
Pip? Pip?
Well, I, for one, feel we've broken new ground!
Wanna help me make dinner, future babysitter?
Yeah. Let me finish writing our productive agreements.
Why does our opponent look so happy leaving a negotiation?
The cookies were so nice.
The tea was so chocolate.
She scritch-scratched my back just like Mommy.
I wanted to throw a tantrum, but she has this voice.
So soothing, reminds me of Quaral.
You mean Carol?
I've forgotten Mommy's name!
I should've anticipated this, the symptoms.
Mommy's gone, so you're searching for a mother.
You've got MGBBS.
Mama Go Bye-Bye Syndrome.
And that teenage tyrant Mia's taking advantage of it.
I'm so sorry. I'm ruining the mission!
-Well... -Well, what?
Let's just say this operation always had an iffy chance of success.
Which is why the real mission's been going on in secret:
Let's meet the secret B Field Team!
R&D Baby Simmons. The smart one.
Favorite color? A shade she invented called "roejange."
Buddy from HR. Stickler for paperwork.
Favorite answer to a yes or no question? Yes.
Samvel.
A Preek mercenary we hired with candy.
He's from Armenia, taller than a baby, and full of sugar.
And me!
Nannycam No-Filter CEO Baby Sponsored by Buttsnuggers Diapers.
I am also the smart one, but I don't brag about it.
I'm in charge!
Today, we'll be breaking into a mid-century garage
that's also The Uncuddleables' hideout.
Thanks for running cover, Field Team! B got it from here.
Whoa. Adequately produced!
Right? So no harm done, we're a distraction
for the B team's intel gathering.
Sorry for playing this close to the vest,
but Nannycam and I agreed the fewer babies who know,
-the safer for everyone. -Why tell me
when Mia's mommy voice can get me to do or say anything?
-I did not think this through. -Teenie-weenie!
It's dinner time for your tummy!
I made spaghetti!
Think I'd get extra 'ghetti if I'm good
and confess all our plans? I need to get out.
Go, I'll catch up!
Last time on the B Field Team,
our heroes were cowering in bushes, waiting to--
Shh.
Samvel.
Hold up, the door is just unlocked?
Wow, that's lucky!
Yeah, but it's not entertaining.
I need complications, people. Trials and tribulations.
Humanity!
Samvel, pull it back down. Simmons, use a laser-y thing to open it.
Buddy, tell the camera a secret you'd never tell anyone.
But the cameras already saw us open it.
Reality is for the boring. We have editing.
Take two!
Dear camera: When I visited New York,
I gave every pigeon I saw a first and last name.
And I still remember all of them.
Why are you stopping?
I should check with New Mommy before I leave.
"New Mommy"?
It's a nickname I gave her.
I should tell her, she'll be proud. I need that Mommy laugh.
-Real Mommy? -Just her perfume.
Little whiff of "back to reality."
Let's get you somewhere you can't blab--
Teenie-teen?
How did you get out here?
-Dinny-dinny is ready-eddy. -Keep it together...
She smells of spaghetti sauce garlic.
Just like Mommy's cooking.
No. I have a mommy.
-Her name is Cardboard. -Carol.
-Who? -Does a big girl wanna help
set the table-y-wabely- grabely-schmabely-rabley?
Mama Mia.
Tina, no!
Games rated T for teen?
I thought these were legends.
That's right, folks, we're finding secrets that would make secrets blush.
Reaction vid!
Ooh! This one's nice. You wouldn't believe this one.
They can't see if the cameras are pointed at your face.
Confessional time.
I'm not upset that Simmons said that,
but I'm not happy either.
Looks like a secret diary.
We forgot an Uncuddleable!
Lumpy who goes by "Curtis."
Two great names, one evil duck.
Here's my face language for, "We hit the jackpot,
but also we have to do this very quietly
or a duck will wake up and savage us."
Oh!
-What? -I know you want to be all peace
and Malta, but pick a side.
Mia's got Tina doing everything she asks.
Yeah, she's great.
And if you read the proposal--
I don't need a proposal. I have a plan.
Don't tell me! I need to maintain neutrality!
No, you need to join the winning team
and help me before Tina blabs
that our B Team is breaking in for intel on--
You're breaking into my garage? Not cool, talking baby.
She's my best friend. We chat.
I did not think this through.
What? They're breaking into the garage?
Yeah, I'll grab them and head over now.
Okay?
Mission compromised. The Uncuddleables know everything!
Your team is now on double time! We good?
No, that's face language for, "You just woke up an angry duck."
Teenie-weenie has been such a good baby
that she gets to go for a walky-walk to our secret hideout.
We'll grab you some toys for the road.
I really did not think this through.
New mommy said you were bad.
So now you're not neutral?
It's great we're getting all parties in the same place.
Once you see how much you have in common...
Ah...
Oh, come on, I was right there!
If I were a baby, where would I be?
I'm a baby. The world is confusing.
I'm so tiny, yet hungry for knowledge.
I hide in things.
I leave no trace.
Leave? Leaf!
I'm a house plant!
Technically, I'm the potting soil.
Let all thoughts go bye-bye.
Like, "Is ketchup sweet, or salty, or its own thing?"
Let that one go.
Ah.
Austin! Hideout compromised.
Grab Pip and head over.
I'll never forget us.
Or I'll immediately forget. It's a coin flip.
Next time a killer bee stings me, I'll think of you.
It's heart-shaped!
The highest level of diary security!
Oh! My stunning eyes, okay.
Will the B Field Team escape with The Uncuddleables' secrets?
How does my hair still look this good this late?
Is Simmons actually a robot? Find out next time--
There is no next time! Don't heighten the drama. Do something!
Okay. First, heightening drama is how I do something.
Get the babysitters to say Lumpy Curtis' name. Trust me.
I understand my colleagues are getting a run for their money
with old Lumpy the Park Duck.
-Curtis. -Call him Curtis!
Done. How is this helpful?
Because we have... editing.
Cut to C Field Team!
C Field Team!
They edit out the boring stuff.
Curtis is milkbreath!
Not seamless, but it'll fool a duck.
And let's wait to render.
Think you can take him?
Sorry, we're out of candy.
It's just business.
He stands by his principles. Gotta respect that.
Before you end the lives of three babies,
you should hear what your friends say about you.
Curtis is milkbreath!
Curtis confusing baby.
Curtis be bad.
Dang, Curtis is not cool pickle burping.
Watch the babies!
Hey! Curtis!
We're your friends!
Teenie-weenie!
Can you please help us containy-wainey little Curtis?
-Don't-- -What kind of mommy
asks her kid to fight a duck?
-A fake mommy, that's who. -No, no, no!
Cease your chomping!
Take this to HQ for decryption.
Why do we do it?
-Oh. We do it for the fans.
We love you too, angry duck!
-How were they? -Absolute angels.
Thank you for raising wonderful children and making my job so easy.
Clockwise, please.
-What's this? -The peace treaty
I worked on with Mia and Tina, but not you.
Mm. Some big swings. Good for you.
Yeah, and then your company lied to a duck
so he'd turn on his friends. A duck?
-I love you, but you guys are jerks. -They were asking for it.
Did you think I'd negotiate with lowdown, parent-scabbing babysitters?
Good to know where I stand. Guess I passed training.
The diary is decrypted!
There's a lot about how Eddard is the dreamiest boy in school,
but he doesn't even go there.
Their plans?
Real quick, though. Did you see that Eddard goes to Viewbrook High?
And they're gonna attack the Lil' Dumpling Pageant.
We've got their target.
Time to put the squeeze on some teens.
After spaghetti.