THEY GASP
Don't I look sexy?
The woman on the counter did it for free.
All I had to do was buy all the products.
Come on, love, go and put something nice on.
Go and put on that dress that I looked out for you.
Check her legs.
THEY GASP
Pin her down! Stop writhing!
Leave me alone! It's my body!
I should be able to grow my hair how I like!
Stop being so selfish, for fuck's sake!
It's your nan's funeral.
I am genuinely worried it's a bit too harsh, do you know what I mean?
I just want to let him have it, though. Tell him how I feel.
Which is?
Not good.
Did you write that down?
Hi, Dad, hope you're well.
Actually, no, I don't.
It's Josie. Remember me?
It might help to remind him if you say you're the ugly one.
Excited to see Dad, then?
You know that dream that you get when your parents walk in on you having sex?
Yeah?
I look forward to having that so I can see Dad again.
Sometimes I invite him to stay and watch.
I know. This is the happiest day of your life.
Not entirely. Nicky's leaving to open his ice bar in Manchester today.
What? Billie Bar? Yeah.
He asked me to go with him, can you believe it?
It would be completely ridiculous to go, right?
Unless you think I should do it?
No, I don't think you should do it.
Yeah, I was never going to go.
I've seen the truth.
Nan dying has taught me a big lesson.
Life is futile and we should probably just get it over with? No.
Men always come crawling back.
Do they?
Yeah, well, just look at Dad.
Ten years ago, he fucked off for teabags and, lo and behold,
now we're going to see him.
Hmm.
So I just need to let Nicky go, realise the grass isn't greener,
and then he's going to come crawling back,
just like Dad.
Why aren't you wearing your ring?
The patriarchy?
No, no way, I'm not... I'm not falling for that again.
It's not the patriarchy, it's just a ring that you have to wear
that says you're mine forever and ever.
I think it's best if I come today.
Give you some support as your fiance and...
And you know about my abandonment issues.
It's just it's family only.
I am family.
Wow, did you shave your legs?
My nan is dead, Seb!
God!
DOOR SLAMS
CAR HORN TOOTS
Oh, Billie, you look so feminine.
I really wish you'd have more respect for the dead, Josie.
You know, I can't believe your car's still at the MOT, Deb.
Still the problem with the wheels?
Er...yes. Yeah.
What is the issue?
Um... Uh...
They've exploded. Ah.
Bye, darling! Josie loves you!
Perhaps I could just pop in?
You just wouldn't like it.
It's a closed funeral, very intimate.
Blood relatives only.
Right.
She's your mother-in-law. Yeah.
I just think it's best if you weren't there, OK?
It's been hard for the girls, what with all they've gone through.
Death is difficult for us.
I thought you of all people would understand that.
I'm sorry, how selfish of me.
You're just looking out for the girls.
I did wonder, actually,
if you all fancied joining me for lunch at my house later?
A little wake, of sorts.
It really helped after Lisa's funeral. We'd love to.
Right. Well, I'll just be in the pub round the corner, then.
Oh, and, Deb, will you let me know when this is finished?
There's something else I'd like to do today.
WHISPERS: Just us.
Sounds delightful.
If that's OK with the girls.
You're such a good mother, Deb.
I am a good mother.
Why can't he come to the funeral?
You know exactly why.
Because Dev and I have a connection over both of us being bereaved,
and it would be nice if you didn't try to ruin that by pointing out the fact that it's built on lies.
Your dad is dead and that is the last I will hear of it.
But he's not.
He's alive, he's in there.
I can't see him yet.
Wow. So she's definitely dead, then?
Were you suspicious?
I don't know.
I thought Dad might have set this whole thing up so he could see me again.
You think he staged Nan's death to get to see you?
People do strange things for love.
Do you not think if he really wanted to see you, he'd have texted?
Right, let's get in there and show him how well we are doing.
If anybody asks, I am an incredible mother and successful businesswoman
with absolutely no debt.
Josie is happy and engaged,
to a man with absolutely no mental health issues,
and Billie...
Billie's a virgin.
Nice. I'll lead with the Josie thing.
Bride to be.
Right, showtime!
SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
Do you think there's space for me in there too?
If you're going to kill yourself, at least have the decency to do it tomorrow.
It's hard to appear to be thriving while you're threatening suicide.
So, is Nan in Heaven? I don't know.
Are we going to Heaven?
Probably not, no point, we won't know anyone.
Where the fuck is he?
Well, I think that's everyone.
Thank you for gathering here to remember...
DEEP VOICE: Where's Spencer?
Er, unfortunately, he couldn't be here today.
What? What?
Did...did...? Did you want to say a few words?
Oh.
Er...
..nah.
Forgot my vintage Cartier bangle.
Oh!
SHE GIGGLES
Yes, Mr Sugar, I will make that 4pm meeting.
What a prick. Who doesn't come to their own mother's funeral?
I know, we shaved my legs for nothing.
Do you think Mum's OK?
She'll deal with it in her own way.
Complete denial.
Where are you going? I was wrong.
Men don't come crawling back.
We have to crawl to them.
What?
I'm going to find Nicky.
Ooh, lunch for the girls at Dev's house!
We'll be living there next.
I wonder what else he's got in mind for me today?
Maybe he'll propose!
This is where Lisa was laid to rest.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
I know you have trouble getting over the death of your husband.
I struggle too,
but by bringing you here,
I know that Lisa is at peace with me moving on.
Lisa, I want you to meet Deb.
She's wonderful, just like you.
It's all right.
I feel emotional too.
She's younger than me.
Missed you.
How did your speech go?
He wasn't even there.
I don't know why I'm surprised. All men let us down.
Well, I'm still here.
Why...why don't you say it to me? Pretend I'm him.
Tell me how you feel. Oh, I don't know.
I don't know how I'd say it, it feels stupid.
It's not stupid. He wasn't nice to you.
He wasn't, was he? No.
You've had one of the worst childhoods I've ever heard about.
Really? Yeah.
It was really traumatic for you.
It was, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Does that make me...
..special?
Yeah.
Very special.
DOOR BELL RINGS
Look at this massive house.
Dev's a fresh start.
He represents the new, none of that old baggage from the past.
That's why I love him.
Where did he take you today?
His dead wife's grave.
Heated floors.
Wow.
I kept some of Lisa's things,
I didn't know what to do with them.
Mm. I'd feel the same way about Josie.
Except I won't have to cos...
..when she dies,
I'll make sure I kill myself.
Hmm.
I'm going to check on my tagine.
Come along, Seb.
Look at all these fancy products.
I always think they'd be so delicious, but I know you're not supposed to eat them.
Wow!
The things I'd do to you.
You look different, Seb.
I've done it.
What?
It. I've done it, me and Josie.
And you know what?
I think we're going to do it again.
Oh, that's fantastic news!
Do you see what I mean?
We show these women no fear.
PLATES RATTLE
Are you all right? I just, er, feel a bit nervous
about having the girls round.
But Deb's just been so good at helping me move on.
Ooh, look at me, I'm Lisa.
I wear North Face jackets and I go outside!
Ooh, I'm Lisa and I'm dead!
Good one, Mum.
What a treat this all is!
It is an honour to be here.
And can I just say, this coo-coo is delicious.
Orange juice is a bit strong.
It's so wonderful having you all here.
This house can get so lonely sometimes.
There's something I want to ask you, Deb.
But I really want Billie to be here.
Is she going to be here soon? She's on her way. Hmm.
How was she after the funeral?
I know she had a tough time after her father.
She's fine.
I'm so proud of her.
She's done such a good job of moving on after Nicky.
Look at us girls.
Such strong, independent women.
You are strong, independent women,
and this one's mine.
Forever and ever.
Till death do us part.
I'm sorry you had to see this.
I swear to God, Josie.
Don't fuck this up for me.
Where the fuck is your sister?
Probably halfway to Manchester now.
You what? She wants to be with Nicky.
She wants to hand out topless shots at Billie Bar.
She's a romantic. Nicky couldn't give a shit whether she lives or dies.
People do strange things for love. Yeah, not me.
You told the man downstairs that Dad died choking on a chicken goujon.
That's different. Dev's coming through for me.
He's like a 2p machine on Brighton Pier.
If I keep putting in coins, he's going to pay out, I know it.
Really?
Cos I don't think he's paid for a single thing, not once.
Josie, look where we are.
We are in the massive house.
We are so close now.
He's about to ask us to move in.
He's got heated floors.
But what about Billie? What about her? She can make her own choices.
She's not my responsibility.
Is she all right up there? Absolutely.
Just a runny tummy.
You're such a good mother, Deb.
That's what I love about you,
always there for your girls, whenever they need you.
A mother,
alongside them every step of the journey.
Road trip!
Quite thrilling, isn't it!
You know, the last time I was in Manchester it was with Lis...
Never mind.
It's all very exciting.
My James Bond.
TROLLEY BAG WHEELS RUMBLE
Billie Bar?
Bianca Bar.
Sorry.
You know I get nose bleeds when I get carsick.
I'm dangerously anaemic.
A single journey like this could end me.
But, you know, anything for my future wife.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? She's answered! Billie, we know you're in Manchester.
We're coming to stop you making the biggest mistake of your life.
Yeah, and it was my idea.
What?
Oh, no, I didn't leave.
Right, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later, I'm a bit busy.
Of course she didn't really go.
This is your fault, Josie.
What a waste of poor Dev's lovely lunch.
What was that question you were going to ask me, Dev?
Is now a good moment?
Oh. Er, OK.
Well,
erm, it would mean an awful lot to me if, um, you
and...and the girls,
would consider...
It's OK, you can say it.
Well, Deb, will you...
..take me to Spencer's grave?
Yes,
of course.
I will take you to his grave.
I'd love that.
Ah, OK, well, um,
I'll go and fill her up, then.
I'll get my card. No, no, no, don't worry.
I'll get this.
We're the same, you and me.
Both natural blondes.
Fuck this! Let's go and tell that prick exactly how we feel about him.
Perfect Pussy Club.
And he's going in.
And he's walking to the till.
He's getting his wallet out,
he's removing his card.
And...he's paid!
CAR ALARM SOUNDS
I know it feels small, but that man in there is paying for petrol
and at this point, he might as well be cutting me a fucking key!
Congratulations.
Please don't make me marry Seb.
I'm not making you do anything.
All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy.
But the kind of happiness you want doesn't exist,
so why don't you do the right thing and love with less of your heart?
Trust me.
When you're married, you'll be the happiest you've ever felt.
Really? Yes, absolutely.
Is that how you felt about Dad, then?
Where the fuck am I going to find a grave with your father's fucking name on?
There he is.
The love of your life.
We need to go.
Right now.
But Seb's not back in the car yet!
Do you really want me to be happy, Mum?
Of course.
Then drive.
All right, Dev, let's go.
Josie?!
For God's sake, Seb, she's gay!
Wait. JOSIE: I am?
Yes. You're gay.
I mean, I prefer queer as it encompasses my gender...
Don't push it! You're gay.
For now.
Threesome?
No, Nicky.
Actually, we're here to tell you some home truths.
We're sick of being treated like this.
Yeah, you've led us both on.
We're done. You lied.
You cheated. You're a narcissist.
You treated us the exact same.
And do you know what? You can have this necklace back.
What? And these.
Don't want them.
You can have them back too. I'll have them.
And I've deleted all the photos from Italy.
We're leaving you.
Fuck you, Nicky.
Yeah.
Fuck you, Italy.
I can't believe Dad didn't come.
I know.
I really expected more from a man who said
he was popping out for teabags ten years ago and never came back.
I knew it, really...
..about Nicky.
Yeah.
Do other women do what we do for love?
Yep. And if they say they don't, they're lying.
He never loved me really, did he?
Sorry, do you mean Nicky or Dad?
I'm not sure.
THEY LAUGH
I thought you said his name was Spencer.
Yeah, but everyone called him Clarence.
Fun little nickname.
An old soul.
He was 87 when he passed away.
Yeah. Young at heart. Young at heart, though.
Love knows no age, Dev.
Well, er, Clarence-Spencer-Dad,
thank you for the many, many memories that we have.
I hope I have your blessing to move on to this incredible man.
He goes above and beyond.
He paid for petrol, he...
He's just lovely.
Oh! Oh, I think he's, er... I think he's speaking to me.
Yes, it's almost like he's saying...
"You have my blessing." How sweet!
Would either of you like to say a few words?
Actually, yeah, I...
I fucking do. He's fucking dead.
Yes, isn't he, Billie? Good girl.
You were a right fucking prick and I'm glad you're dead,
you fucking freak.
Wherever you are, I hope you never fucking come back!
Sorry.
We all grieve in different ways.
You're such a good mother, Deb.
Right, well, now I've got Clarence's blessing,
shall we head back to yours, Dev?
I think I might need a little bit more time.
And, speaking of which, I just wanted to let you know,
there's absolutely no rush on anything but, erm...
..when you're ready,
perhaps you would just transfer me that £30 for petrol.
Go on, what do you want to say to him, then?
You're the artist, I bet it's really good.
Couldn't have put it better myself.
Bye.
I hope it was worth it.
TV PLAYS
I forgot to ask, how was the funeral?
It was a lovely ceremony.
Was it?
STERNLY: It was a lovely ceremony.
Vino?
How was the pub?
Oh, it was OK.
I met a really interesting man in there.
He was too scared to go into the church.
Imagine that?
Going to a funeral, getting all the way to the doors,
and being afraid to go inside?!
Did he say why?
Yeah. He was scared of seeing his kids.
LAUGHS BREATHILY
People are odd, aren't they?
I'm going to see if your mum needs a hand in the kitchen.
He was scared of us.
Yeah.
Are we scary?
I think we might be a bit, yeah.
Good.
BANG ON WINDOW, SHE GASPS
Oh, yeah.