(woman) - The moment you've all been waiting for!
Downloaded from YTS.MX
(cheers and applause)
Brittany Schmitt, everybody!
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
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(engine revving)
(cheers and applause)
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- Thank you, Austin! What's up?
(cheers and applause)
I recently celebrated an anniversary.
I am one year sober.
(cheers and applause)
Thank you, thank you.
In early sobriety, they encourage you to be single
because it's such a transformative time,
which I love, because I love being single.
Um, the only person who doesn't like that is my husband.
(audience laughing)
Not a big fan.
When you're a married woman and you quit drinking,
in the beginning, everyone thinks you're pregnant...
and they want you to drink to prove that you're not.
So I was at my friend's wedding recently
and she was like, "Brittany, you're totally pregnant.
Drink this and prove that you're not."
And I was like, "Ugh.
"Listen, Stacey, if I have to 'drink to prove it,'
"I'm gonna fuck your dad.
(audience laughing)
"Get that Mai Tai out of my face
unless you wanna call me 'Mommy.'"
(audience laughing)
I did notice that when I quit drinking,
my husband started collecting expensive whiskey.
Thought that was a little annoying.
So I was like, "Babe, how come when I quit drinking,
you started collecting whiskey?"
And he was like, "I have been trying to collect
it the whole time."
(audience laughing)
Whoopsie.
I am from Wisconsin, though, that's just what we do.
We drink.
(cheers and applause)
You guys get it.
We have T-shirts in our airport that say,
"Drink Wisconsin-ably."
My ex-stepmom used to decorate our house
in tacky wine decor.
She had a sign that said,
"Wine is the answer, and I forgot the question."
The question is, "Why did the neighbor boy find you
naked in a ditch at 2:00 on a Tuesday?"
(audience laughing)
The question is, "Why is your cherry-red Spyder Eclipse
parked in the kitchen?"
(audience laughing)
These are the questions.
Um, my first shot of hard liquor was Everclear.
(audience cheering)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, thank you.
If you don't know what that is, congratulations.
You have homework.
Um, it's 190-proof grain liquor,
and that being your first shot is a lot like
losing your virginity to a traffic cone.
(audience laughing)
Everything else is smooth sailing.
(audience laughing)
My signature move when I drank
was I used to send nudes the way Bed Bath & Beyond sends coupons.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "If everyone in my phone gets ten,
someone is bound to redeem."
(audience laughing)
My grandma was like, "Brittany, what on earth is this?"
I'm like, "It's a numbers game, Grandma.
Get onboard."
(audience laughing)
I have an uncle that loves to talk about politics,
uh, which is strange because he's been to prison a bunch.
Um...
I do feel like the people that speak the most about politics
have the least legs to stand on.
Um, but every time he talks, I'm like, "The only thing
"stronger than your political convictions
are your felony convictions."
(audience laughing)
So any time he talks, I'm like,
"Opinions are like assholes."
And he was like, "Everyone's got one?"
And I'm like, "No, yours got torn to shreds in prison."
(audience laughing)
(cheers and applause)
When I was 15, I gave up drinking for Lent.
(audience laughing)
But that was too hard, so I gave up Catholicism instead.
(audience laughing)
(cheers and applause)
And the priest wasn't sad to see me go
'cause I was not his type.
(audience laughing)
Uh, when you drink a lot like I did,
you start to do things that don't align with
the version of yourself that you want to present to the world.
So for me, I was going hard on let's call it a Tuesday...
(audience laughing)
...because it was a Tuesday,
and I was drinking rosé and I thought to myself,
"Do you know what this rosé would pair perfectly with?
Two more bottles of rosé... and some cocaine."
So I did that, that happened,
and I woke up the next morning with the shakes
and I threw on some sweats and I took some Advil,
which was a lot like throwing a teaspoon of water
at a forest fire.
And then I walked myself to the nail salon.
And when I was at the nail salon...
my nails were drying and I had an itch in my nose
and I sneezed and I shit my pants!
(audience laughing)
And when you walk somewhere and you shit your pants there...
...you've gotta walk back.
You can't call a Lyft to come get ya.
So I had to walk...
...while my sweatpants were doing the Lord's work...
(audience laughing)
...in only the way you would walk
if you got fisted by Shaq.
(audience laughing)
Or if you shit your pants.
(audience laughing)
And I got back to my apartment, threw my sweats in the trash,
showered off the shame
and I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like,
"Goddamn it, Brittany, that was some good-ass cocaine."
(audience laughing)
I did quit drinking, though,
because the universe gave me a sign.
And by "universe," I mean "police."
And by "sign," I mean "DUI."
So I got a DUI.
And the fucked up thing about getting a DUI...
as some of you will find out tonight...
...is you're wasted, so you think it's a joke.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Uh, they caught me.
Pulled over that ass too fast-- whoop-whoop."
(audience laughing)
The officer came up to my window and was like...
"Excuse me, ma'am, is your judgment impaired?"
And I was like... "Yeah, I'm driving a Honda Element."
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "I'm gonna need to see your ID."
So I went in my purse and I grabbed my credit card
and I was like, "Shut the tab."
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "I'm gonna need you to step out of the car."
And I was like, "All right, but, hypothetically speaking,
"in this situation, how far would
a blow-"J" Simpson get me?"
(audience laughing)
Spoiler alert: jail.
(audience laughing)
Your girl had to got to jail for 30 days.
(audience murmuring)
A moment of silence for the death of my white privilege.
(audience laughing)
It died in Arizona.
And like I said, I'm from Wisconsin,
and in Wisconsin you can get about four DUIs
before they call your landline and they're like,
"Hey, stop it."
(audience laughing)
So...
So I served my time in Los Angeles
at the Beverly Hills Pay-to-Stay.
Reenter white privilege.
(audience laughing)
And I was able to get out from 8:00 to 8:00
Monday through Saturday to go to work.
And the Fourth of July was within my sentence somewhere,
um, so I got out to go to "work"...
but I went to a party.
And I was at this party and I was talking to this guy
and I was like, "Has anyone ever told you
that you look like a fun-sized Usher?"
And he was like, "I'm Usher."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "Oh, shit, I've gotta go."
And he was like, "Where you going, Ma?"
And I was like, "Jail."
And he didn't believe me, so he was like,
"Let me take you to jail."
So Usher, living up to his name...
(audience laughing)
...ushered me to jail.
And I went into jail and I did not come out
and thank God for that, you guys,
because I was reading TMZ recently
and he's getting sued for giving everyone herpes.
And I definitely would've fucked Usher.
(audience laughing)
That was like my herpes matrix, like, "Whoo..."
(audience laughing)
Narrowly avoided that shit.
To be fair, though, he did warn us with
"Gotta let it burn."
(audience laughing)
I did quit drinking but I wasn't convinced I was an alcoholic,
because you go to these AA meetings
and you hear the craziest shit.
Like, the first one I was at, this woman was like,
"Seven years ago, I was giving myself
an abortion in an alley with a Waterpik."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Whoa.
You can use a Waterpik?"
(audience laughing)
I could've saved so much money.
Talk about a life hack.
(audience applauding)
(cheers and applause)
Alcoholism is a funny disease
because it's the only one that's self-diagnosed,
so it's a little tricky to understand
because it's ambiguous, you know?
All other diseases are a little easier to understand.
Like, "Oh, you're a diabetic,
so if you eat a Snickers, you'll lose a foot."
For me, I try and explain it and I'm like, "I'm an alcoholic.
"So if I take a shot... I'll fuck a mascot...
(audience laughing)
"...at a Little League game...
(audience laughing)
...where I know no one."
(audience laughing)
And if you're not sure if you're an alcoholic,
just pay attention because the world will give you clues.
You know, for me, one of my clues
was this country music song called "When I Taste Tequila."
You guys know that song?
(audience cheering)
Really risky of me to ask that in Texas.
Like going into a strip club and being like,
"Any daddy issues?"
(audience laughing)
So the premise of the song is every time this guy
tastes tequila, he thinks of one person.
He thinks of his ex-girlfriend
and all of the fun things that they did together.
And I'm like, "Okay.
When I taste tequila... it's just a montage of dicks."
Just the 2008 to 2011 Marquette men's basketball team.
College was a blackout...
(audience laughing)
...in a couple of different ways.
(audience laughing)
But I actually heard from a guy recently
that I used to hook up with in the NBA
and I thought he was gonna be
calling about the glory days, the whore-y days, um,
but instead he was calling to tell me
that now he's a Jehovah's Witness...
...and I should repent.
And I started laughing.
And he was like, "Why are you laughing?"
And I was like, "This is just really hard to hear
coming from someone who peed in my mouth."
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "Brittany, this is life-changing stuff."
And I was like, "So was that threesome we had
with your cousin Keith."
(audience laughing)
I loved being single.
Do we have any single ladies in here tonight?
(women cheering)
Yes, that is the cry of a free woman.
(audience laughing)
When you're a single, straight-ish woman...
...life is like a ball pit of dicks.
You've gotta play in that shit,
because by the time you get married,
you don't wanna be curious; you wanna be exhausted.
(audience laughing)
I will say this, though, fucking a white guy
is like eating a salad.
You don't do it 'cause it's the most filling option.
(audience laughing)
You do it 'cause it's good for you.
(audience laughing)
My husband's white, so now after we fuck, he's like,
"I'm a salad."
(audience laughing)
All of my relationships prior to my husband
expired quicker than milk, um... by design,
because my favorite part of the relationship was the chase.
Like, there is nothing more interesting in somebody
than if they're not interested in me.
I'm like, "Oh, you're gonna block me on Instagram?
"I'm gonna wait in your bushes in a wedding dress.
(audience laughing)
"You're not gonna respond to my 33 text messages?
I'm gonna plan our family."
Do I want kids? No, I want your attention.
When you're married it's a little rough, though,
because your partner is just always into you.
Um...
(audience laughing)
Boring.
And I said that to my husband the other day.
He was just, like, following me around with a boner,
and I was like, "Could you just not?
Could you just, like, act, like, a little less into me?"
And he's like, "Babe, we're married.
Like, do you want a divorce?"
And I was like, "Now you're talking dirty."
(audience laughing)
I ran into a guy recently that I used to hook up with
a couple of weeks before my now husband and I got together
and he said to me, "Good to know I was the last one."
And I said, "You, sir, were not even the last one that night.
(audience laughing)
I fucked you 'cause you had three Chipotle gift cards."
(audience laughing)
I didn't even know how much was on them.
I just wanted to be stuffed.
(audience laughing)
You're not supposed to speak about your past like I do
when you're a married woman but fuck the patriarchy.
(cheers and applause)
I was on a flight recently with my husband
and I was reading an article
and it said every time you swallow a load...
...it's 15 calories.
And I was like, "Babe, did you know every time I swallowed
a load it's 15 calories?"
And the guy in the middle seat was like,
"Let me grab your husband."
(audience laughing)
And then my husband was like,
"So you've swallowed, like, 15,000 calories?"
I was like, "Way more.
(audience laughing)
What do you think my freshmen 15 was?"
(audience laughing)
I could not afford food.
I do feel bad for my husband, though, because--
she gets it.
(audience laughing)
I do feel bad for my husband because I got sober
in our marriage and I used to be a very frisky drinker.
I'd come home from ladies' night,
but through the door like the fucking Kool-Aid Man,
like, pooh...
♪♪ My neck my back lick my pussy and my crack ♪♪♪♪
And now I'm like, "If you lick me... I'll call the police."
(audience laughing)
I give my husband credit, though, because he does
try and keep my inner ho alive.
Uh, we were stuck in traffic the other day
and he was like, "Babe, give me road head."
And I was like, "Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
"Broad daylight, we are in stand-still traffic.
Everyone would see me."
He's like, "You're no fun anymore."
And I was like, "I'm driving."
(audience laughing)
Everything's changing now.
My vagina changed, for sure.
You know, in my 20s, it used to be like a Slip 'N Slide.
It's, like, dangerously wet, highly trafficked--
entertained the whole neighborhood.
(audience laughing)
And now that I'm in my 30s, it's like an abandoned pool.
It's, like, dried out, a little haunted...
(audience laughing)
...and only visited by skateboarders.
(audience laughing)
AKA my husband.
He did try and take a dive in the shallow end the other day.
That's what I call it when he tries to go down on me.
And I was like, "Babe, no."
And he's like, "You never let me."
And I'm like, "'Cause I don't have four years to spare."
You know?
(audience applauding)
My vibrator takes two minutes.
It's like sending a carrier pigeon
when you could shoot a text.
(audience laughing)
One takes forever and the other actually makes me cum.
(audience laughing)
Everything changes when you get married, though.
You know, your fantasies change for sure.
When you're single, your fantasies are so simple.
It's just like... pull my hair, fuck me in an alley,
remember my name.
(audience laughing)
And now that I'm married, my fantasy is just to roll over
after sex and whisper something romantic, like,
"Hey, go home.
(audience laughing)
Why do you live here?"
I love my husband, I just hate roommates.
You learn a lot about each other being married, though.
You know, we keep learning stuff about each other.
We just learned recently that
we have different love languages.
His are touch and words of affirmation.
And mine is being single.
(audience laughing)
I'm just kidding, I don't actually wanna be single.
But married sex does get a little boring.
Um, and I was just talking to my girlfriend about this
the other day and she was like,
"Have you ever heard of Sexy Stranger?"
And I was like, "No, what's that?"
And she's like, "It's where you dress up like strangers
"and then you go out like you're strangers
and then you go home and fuck like strangers."
I was like, "Well, have you ever heard...
"of a real stranger?
(audience laughing)
'Cause that's who I'm trying to fuck."
I have a theory that men with rape fantasies are creeps
and women... with rape fantasies are just married.
(audience laughing)
You know why "The Titanic" is the best love story of all time?
It's because they met, they fucked for three days,
and then Jack died.
(audience laughing)
(cheers and applause)
Sign me up for that cruise.
I am on my first marriage.
Gotta get it out of the way.
(audience laughing)
I love my husband but I do feel like marriage
is statistically reckless, right?
There's nothing else we're doing as a society with such
a high rate of failure that we get so excited about.
(audience laughing)
If there was a 50% chance you walked out the front door
and got shot in the head, you wouldn't be like...
..."I have the perfect dress for this."
(audience laughing)
Weddings are weird too.
I don't know why we're still doing these.
They're just a giant charade.
The people getting married are stressed out,
the people there have somewhere else they'd rather be.
It just feels like a very expensive way
to tell people, "You can't fuck me anymore."
(audience laughing)
My uncle's like, "Bummer."
(audience laughing)
And something always goes wrong at the 11th hour too.
There's a last-minute snafu.
You know, the classics, like the dress doesn't fit,
the cake's the wrong flavor, the groomsmen are on acid.
(audience laughing)
So for my wedding,
my mom killed herself three days before...
(audience groaning)
That's one way to RSVP.
(audience laughing)
Just kidding, she wasn't invited.
(audience laughing)
But she did die doing what she loves,
which is stealing my spotlight.
(audience laughing)
That joke usually kills.
(audience laughing)
If you didn't like that one, you're gonna hate this one.
(audience laughing)
When you lose someone to suicide,
it's not uncommon to have very lucid dreams
of their time of death.
So the first time that happened to me,
I shot out of bed, I was covered in sweat,
my eyes were running... because I came so hard.
(audience laughing)
So I'm in therapy.
(audience laughing)
(cheers and applause)
My therapist is on maternity leave and it shows.
(audience laughing)
But when she's not, after every session,
I like to tell her, "You are my most expensive friend."
(audience laughing)
And she's like, "We're not friends."
And I'm like, "You have intimacy issues."
(audience laughing)
And she's like, "You're projecting."
I love therapy but I do feel like
it's a very well-intentioned pyramid scheme,
um, because every time I get back from therapy,
I say to my husband, "My therapist and I think...
...that you need to go to therapy."
(audience laughing)
And being married to a man is weird
because they don't like being told what to do
but they don't know what's best for them.
So you have to judo mind-fuck them into thinking
everything is their idea.
(audience laughing)
Like, things my husband currently think are his idea
are, like, flossing his teeth, brushing his teeth...
...being married to me.
So my husband decided to go to therapy.
And I was so excited.
I texted my therapist, I was like,
"Oh, my God, he's gonna go.
Who should we send him to?"
And I'm not kidding you when I say she sent me
the hottest person I've ever seen in my entire life.
This bitch was wearing a choker...
...in her professional headshot.
(audience laughing)
Nothing says "I suck dick to trick my Fitbit...
(audience laughing)
...quite like a choker."
So I was like, "Never mind, baby,
"you don't need to go to therapy.
"We will have much bigger issues
if you spend an hour a week with this slut."
My husband's an idiot.
Like, he is handsome and hilarious
and women are hitting on him all the time.
They hit on him in front of me.
It's insane.
I'm like, "I might seem nice but I will cut a bitch."
And he's like, "Babe, you have nothing to worry about.
You do not seem nice."
(audience laughing)
And it's funny too when you get married,
your single girlfriends like to "asperationalize" your marriage.
They're like, "Where did you meet Chris?
I feel like all the good guys are married."
And I was like, "Mine was too when I met him."
(audience laughing)
And, no, I didn't take him out of that marriage.
His ex shit the sheets and I swooped in.
And have you guys ever started dating someone
and you look at their ex
and then you question your entire existence?
Not only does she look like an old shoe but...
(audience laughing)
...she's a reckless person, you know?
Like, she had an affair, got pregnant
and had the other guy's baby
all while they were still married.
I know.
I could never keep the baby.
(audience laughing)
My husband and I don't want babies
because we want sleep and money and for our marriage to work.
(cheers and applause)
And I think it's weird that it's socially acceptable
to tell people that they should have kids
but not that they shouldn't, you know?
Like, my old boss, who had a meth phase in college
and eats Adderall like Lucky Charms for breakfast...
...was always like, "You guys need to have a baby."
I'm like, "You need to safely surrender yours."
(audience laughing)
Before I did comedy full-time, I used to work in an office.
But I couldn't do that shit
because you have to be passive-aggressive as fuck
to work in an office.
I didn't realize the English language
had a whole second meaning
with passive-aggressive email English
until I started receiving these emails.
I didn't realize that "thank you"
could mean "fuck you."
(audience laughing)
Or that "per my last email"
means "you're the cum shot your mom should've swallowed."
(audience laughing)
Or my favorite was, "Does this make sense?"
One time my supervisor put me on an email
with the CEO of the company and signed off with,
"Does this make sense?"
I said, "Does this make sense, Jaclyn?
"You just CC'd Dave.
"This is fucking war zone.
I'm gonna shit on your desk."
(audience laughing)
So I had to quit that job, um...
...because I got an HR complaint filed against me...
...which was uncomfortable 'cause I worked in HR.
(audience laughing)
No, but when I was there, the whole time my boss
was like, "You need to have babies."
She was like, "You're gonna change your mind
'cause babies are miracles."
And I'm like, "Babies are miracles?
"Have you met people?
(audience laughing)
"What's the cutoff?
(audience laughing)
"When did Jeffrey Dahmer stop being a miracle
and start being a serial killer?"
(audience laughing)
And I don't want a baby because I'm still raising my husband.
(audience laughing)
The other day, he scratched his legs until they bled.
And I was like, "Babe, you've gotta use lotion."
He was like, "I don't believe in lotion."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Okay, well, it's not a belief system.
It's science."
I'm like, "If you were black, you'd get it
'cause you'd be ashy."
And he was like, "If I were black, you'd love me more."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "That's also science."
(audience laughing)
All right, I'm gonna leave you guys with this.
I feel like relationships are hard in general,
even if you're not married,
but I think they're harder for girls
because, as girls, you're raised being told
all this fantastical shit about
what your love life is gonna be like.
Your dad calls you "princess"
and you're like, "Oh, my God, there's gonna be a prince
"and a horse and a castle.
I'm in."
And my dad just called me "squirt"...
(audience laughing)
...and I couldn't even live up to that.
(audience laughing)
You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much!
(cheers and applause)
♪♪♪♪
- Nah, man, yeah, you've got it.
You've got it.
And it's good too 'cause it would've been a crazy night
for me to have to trash you.
- Yeah!
♪♪♪♪
(woman) - You were amazing!
♪♪♪♪
(bird squawking)
(man) - Thank you very much.