1
00:00:01,771 --> 00:00:04,710
(woman)
- The moment you've all been
waiting for!

2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

3
00:00:04,776 --> 00:00:06,112
(cheers and applause)

4
00:00:06,178 --> 00:00:08,818
Brittany Schmitt, everybody!

5
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

6
00:00:08,885 --> 00:00:10,922
♪♪♪♪

7
00:00:10,989 --> 00:00:14,028
(engine revving)

8
00:00:16,232 --> 00:00:21,409
(cheers and applause)

9
00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:28,624
(cheers and applause continues)

10
00:00:36,205 --> 00:00:38,611
- Thank you, Austin!
What's up?

11
00:00:38,677 --> 00:00:40,615
(cheers and applause)

12
00:00:43,119 --> 00:00:46,225
I recently celebrated
an anniversary.

13
00:00:46,292 --> 00:00:47,930
I am one year sober.

14
00:00:47,996 --> 00:00:50,234
(cheers and applause)

15
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,937
Thank you, thank you.

16
00:00:52,004 --> 00:00:54,375
In early sobriety, they
encourage you to be single

17
00:00:54,442 --> 00:00:57,214
because it's such a
transformative time,

18
00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:00,889
which I love, because I love
being single.

19
00:01:00,956 --> 00:01:04,796
Um, the only person who
doesn't like that is my husband.

20
00:01:04,863 --> 00:01:06,767
(audience laughing)

21
00:01:09,238 --> 00:01:10,574
Not a big fan.

22
00:01:12,411 --> 00:01:15,017
When you're a married woman
and you quit drinking,

23
00:01:15,083 --> 00:01:18,691
in the beginning, everyone
thinks you're pregnant...

24
00:01:18,757 --> 00:01:20,728
and they want you to drink
to prove that you're not.

25
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:24,636
So I was at my friend's
wedding recently

26
00:01:24,703 --> 00:01:27,174
and she was like, "Brittany,
you're totally pregnant.

27
00:01:27,241 --> 00:01:28,877
Drink this
and prove that you're not."

28
00:01:30,146 --> 00:01:31,917
And I was like, "Ugh.

29
00:01:31,984 --> 00:01:34,455
"Listen, Stacey, if I have to
'drink to prove it,'

30
00:01:34,523 --> 00:01:36,325
"I'm gonna fuck your dad.

31
00:01:36,392 --> 00:01:38,463
(audience laughing)

32
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:42,472
"Get that Mai Tai out of my face

33
00:01:42,539 --> 00:01:44,341
unless you wanna call me
'Mommy.'"

34
00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:46,412
(audience laughing)

35
00:01:48,517 --> 00:01:50,522
I did notice that
when I quit drinking,

36
00:01:50,589 --> 00:01:53,292
my husband started collecting
expensive whiskey.

37
00:01:54,796 --> 00:01:57,401
Thought that
was a little annoying.

38
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:59,405
So I was like, "Babe, how come
when I quit drinking,

39
00:01:59,472 --> 00:02:01,911
you started
collecting whiskey?"

40
00:02:01,978 --> 00:02:04,381
And he was like,
"I have been trying to collect

41
00:02:04,448 --> 00:02:06,018
it the whole time."

42
00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:08,624
(audience laughing)

43
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,505
Whoopsie.

44
00:02:15,572 --> 00:02:18,042
I am from Wisconsin, though,
that's just what we do.

45
00:02:18,109 --> 00:02:19,279
We drink.

46
00:02:19,345 --> 00:02:21,182
(cheers and applause)

47
00:02:21,249 --> 00:02:22,251
You guys get it.

48
00:02:22,318 --> 00:02:23,687
We have T-shirts in our airport
that say,

49
00:02:23,754 --> 00:02:24,889
"Drink Wisconsin-ably."

50
00:02:27,394 --> 00:02:30,200
My ex-stepmom used to
decorate our house

51
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:32,505
in tacky wine decor.

52
00:02:32,572 --> 00:02:33,908
She had a sign that said,

53
00:02:33,975 --> 00:02:36,680
"Wine is the answer,
and I forgot the question."

54
00:02:38,684 --> 00:02:41,523
The question is, "Why did
the neighbor boy find you

55
00:02:41,590 --> 00:02:44,763
naked in a ditch
at 2:00 on a Tuesday?"

56
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:46,600
(audience laughing)

57
00:02:48,303 --> 00:02:52,444
The question is, "Why is your
cherry-red Spyder Eclipse

58
00:02:52,512 --> 00:02:54,148
parked in the kitchen?"

59
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:55,718
(audience laughing)

60
00:02:58,156 --> 00:02:59,927
These are the questions.

61
00:02:59,994 --> 00:03:05,838
Um, my first shot
of hard liquor was Everclear.

62
00:03:05,905 --> 00:03:07,040
(audience cheering)

63
00:03:07,107 --> 00:03:09,011
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, thank you.

64
00:03:09,078 --> 00:03:11,716
If you don't know what
that is, congratulations.

65
00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:14,589
You have homework.

66
00:03:14,656 --> 00:03:18,831
Um, it's 190-proof
grain liquor,

67
00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:22,370
and that being your
first shot is a lot like

68
00:03:22,437 --> 00:03:25,410
losing your virginity
to a traffic cone.

69
00:03:25,477 --> 00:03:27,515
(audience laughing)

70
00:03:32,257 --> 00:03:34,161
Everything else
is smooth sailing.

71
00:03:34,228 --> 00:03:36,332
(audience laughing)

72
00:03:38,437 --> 00:03:40,006
My signature move when
I drank

73
00:03:40,073 --> 00:03:43,914
was I used to send nudes the way
Bed Bath & Beyond sends coupons.

74
00:03:43,981 --> 00:03:45,818
(audience laughing)

75
00:03:49,391 --> 00:03:51,597
I'm like, "If everyone in my
phone gets ten,

76
00:03:51,664 --> 00:03:53,333
someone is
bound to redeem."

77
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,403
(audience laughing)

78
00:03:57,542 --> 00:03:59,979
My grandma was like, "Brittany,
what on earth is this?"

79
00:04:01,482 --> 00:04:03,352
I'm like, "It's a numbers
game, Grandma.

80
00:04:04,322 --> 00:04:05,858
Get onboard."

81
00:04:05,925 --> 00:04:07,895
(audience laughing)

82
00:04:12,939 --> 00:04:15,878
I have an uncle that loves
to talk about politics,

83
00:04:15,945 --> 00:04:19,686
uh, which is strange because
he's been to prison a bunch.

84
00:04:19,752 --> 00:04:20,855
Um...

85
00:04:20,922 --> 00:04:22,792
I do feel like the people that
speak the most about politics

86
00:04:22,859 --> 00:04:24,896
have the least legs
to stand on.

87
00:04:24,963 --> 00:04:28,069
Um, but every time he talks,
I'm like, "The only thing

88
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,008
"stronger than your
political convictions

89
00:04:31,075 --> 00:04:33,012
are your felony convictions."

90
00:04:33,079 --> 00:04:35,685
(audience laughing)

91
00:04:35,752 --> 00:04:37,087
So any time he talks,
I'm like,

92
00:04:37,154 --> 00:04:38,657
"Opinions are like assholes."

93
00:04:38,724 --> 00:04:40,828
And he was like,
"Everyone's got one?"

94
00:04:40,895 --> 00:04:43,232
And I'm like, "No, yours got
torn to shreds in prison."

95
00:04:43,299 --> 00:04:45,905
(audience laughing)

96
00:04:45,971 --> 00:04:48,342
(cheers and applause)

97
00:04:50,949 --> 00:04:53,887
When I was 15, I gave up
drinking for Lent.

98
00:04:55,056 --> 00:04:56,893
(audience laughing)

99
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,505
But that was too hard, so I gave
up Catholicism instead.

100
00:05:02,572 --> 00:05:05,477
(audience laughing)

101
00:05:05,544 --> 00:05:07,782
(cheers and applause)

102
00:05:10,922 --> 00:05:12,424
And the priest wasn't sad
to see me go

103
00:05:12,491 --> 00:05:14,294
'cause I was not his type.

104
00:05:14,361 --> 00:05:16,800
(audience laughing)

105
00:05:25,885 --> 00:05:27,956
Uh, when you drink a lot
like I did,

106
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:29,760
you start to do things
that don't align with

107
00:05:29,826 --> 00:05:32,999
the version of yourself that you
want to present to the world.

108
00:05:33,065 --> 00:05:37,575
So for me, I was going hard
on let's call it a Tuesday...

109
00:05:37,642 --> 00:05:39,411
(audience laughing)

110
00:05:39,478 --> 00:05:41,683
...because it was
a Tuesday,

111
00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:44,188
and I was drinking rosé
and I thought to myself,

112
00:05:44,255 --> 00:05:47,629
"Do you know what this
rosé would pair perfectly with?

113
00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:52,103
Two more bottles
of rosé... and some cocaine."

114
00:05:53,741 --> 00:05:54,943
So I did that,
that happened,

115
00:05:55,009 --> 00:05:57,214
and I woke up the next morning
with the shakes

116
00:05:57,281 --> 00:05:59,886
and I threw on some sweats
and I took some Advil,

117
00:05:59,953 --> 00:06:02,959
which was a lot like throwing
a teaspoon of water

118
00:06:03,026 --> 00:06:04,729
at a forest fire.

119
00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:10,473
And then I walked myself
to the nail salon.

120
00:06:10,541 --> 00:06:12,779
And when I was
at the nail salon...

121
00:06:12,846 --> 00:06:16,520
my nails were drying
and I had an itch in my nose

122
00:06:16,587 --> 00:06:20,528
and I sneezed
and I shit my pants!

123
00:06:20,595 --> 00:06:22,832
(audience laughing)

124
00:06:34,154 --> 00:06:38,162
And when you walk somewhere
and you shit your pants there...

125
00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:41,937
...you've gotta walk back.

126
00:06:43,974 --> 00:06:46,078
You can't call
a Lyft to come get ya.

127
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:50,855
So I had to walk...

128
00:06:50,922 --> 00:06:53,459
...while my sweatpants were
doing the Lord's work...

129
00:06:53,527 --> 00:06:56,399
(audience laughing)

130
00:06:56,466 --> 00:06:58,235
...in only the way
you would walk

131
00:06:58,302 --> 00:07:00,508
if you got fisted by Shaq.

132
00:07:00,575 --> 00:07:02,545
(audience laughing)

133
00:07:08,624 --> 00:07:10,561
Or if you shit your pants.

134
00:07:10,628 --> 00:07:13,233
(audience laughing)

135
00:07:13,299 --> 00:07:17,708
And I got back to my apartment,
threw my sweats in the trash,

136
00:07:17,775 --> 00:07:20,080
showered off the shame

137
00:07:20,147 --> 00:07:22,250
and I looked at myself in
the mirror and I was like,

138
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:26,292
"Goddamn it, Brittany,
that was some good-ass cocaine."

139
00:07:26,359 --> 00:07:28,496
(audience laughing)

140
00:07:34,207 --> 00:07:36,045
I did quit drinking, though,

141
00:07:36,112 --> 00:07:39,018
because the universe
gave me a sign.

142
00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:41,790
And by "universe,"
I mean "police."

143
00:07:43,961 --> 00:07:46,065
And by "sign,"
I mean "DUI."

144
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,236
So I got a DUI.

145
00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:51,977
And the fucked up thing
about getting a DUI...

146
00:07:52,044 --> 00:07:54,081
as some of you
will find out tonight...

147
00:07:56,653 --> 00:07:59,258
...is you're wasted, so you
think it's a joke.

148
00:07:59,325 --> 00:08:01,429
(audience laughing)

149
00:08:01,496 --> 00:08:03,834
I'm like, "Uh, they caught me.

150
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,138
Pulled over that ass too fast--
whoop-whoop."

151
00:08:06,205 --> 00:08:08,209
(audience laughing)

152
00:08:12,719 --> 00:08:15,122
The officer came up to my
window and was like...

153
00:08:15,189 --> 00:08:17,928
"Excuse me, ma'am,
is your judgment impaired?"

154
00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:24,107
And I was like... "Yeah,
I'm driving a Honda Element."

155
00:08:24,174 --> 00:08:26,245
(audience laughing)

156
00:08:34,161 --> 00:08:37,334
And he was like, "I'm gonna need
to see your ID."

157
00:08:37,401 --> 00:08:39,338
So I went in my purse
and I grabbed my credit card

158
00:08:39,404 --> 00:08:40,774
and I was like, "Shut the tab."

159
00:08:40,841 --> 00:08:43,980
(audience laughing)

160
00:08:44,047 --> 00:08:47,054
And he was like, "I'm gonna need
you to step out of the car."

161
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,458
And I was like, "All right,
but, hypothetically speaking,

162
00:08:49,526 --> 00:08:51,663
"in this situation,
how far would

163
00:08:51,729 --> 00:08:53,800
a blow-"J" Simpson get me?"

164
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,604
(audience laughing)

165
00:08:57,341 --> 00:08:59,111
Spoiler alert: jail.

166
00:08:59,178 --> 00:09:01,215
(audience laughing)

167
00:09:04,188 --> 00:09:07,227
Your girl had to got to jail
for 30 days.

168
00:09:07,294 --> 00:09:08,429
(audience murmuring)

169
00:09:08,496 --> 00:09:11,468
A moment of silence for
the death of my white privilege.

170
00:09:11,536 --> 00:09:13,507
(audience laughing)

171
00:09:13,574 --> 00:09:15,109
It died in Arizona.

172
00:09:16,245 --> 00:09:17,882
And like I said,
I'm from Wisconsin,

173
00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:20,988
and in Wisconsin you can get
about four DUIs

174
00:09:21,055 --> 00:09:23,761
before they call
your landline and they're like,

175
00:09:23,828 --> 00:09:25,296
"Hey, stop it."

176
00:09:25,363 --> 00:09:27,300
(audience laughing)

177
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,605
So...

178
00:09:33,814 --> 00:09:35,718
So I served my time in
Los Angeles

179
00:09:35,785 --> 00:09:37,655
at the Beverly Hills
Pay-to-Stay.

180
00:09:39,291 --> 00:09:41,195
Reenter white privilege.

181
00:09:41,262 --> 00:09:42,798
(audience laughing)

182
00:09:42,865 --> 00:09:44,869
And I was able to get out
from 8:00 to 8:00

183
00:09:44,936 --> 00:09:47,006
Monday through Saturday
to go to work.

184
00:09:47,073 --> 00:09:50,080
And the Fourth of July was
within my sentence somewhere,

185
00:09:50,146 --> 00:09:53,621
um, so I got out
to go to "work"...

186
00:09:53,687 --> 00:09:56,092
but I went to a party.

187
00:09:56,159 --> 00:09:58,162
And I was at this party and
I was talking to this guy

188
00:09:58,229 --> 00:10:00,233
and I was like,
"Has anyone ever told you

189
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,738
that you look like
a fun-sized Usher?"

190
00:10:07,113 --> 00:10:09,418
And he was like,
"I'm Usher."

191
00:10:09,485 --> 00:10:11,856
(audience laughing)

192
00:10:18,069 --> 00:10:21,075
And I was like,
"Oh, shit, I've gotta go."

193
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,712
And he was like,
"Where you going, Ma?"

194
00:10:22,779 --> 00:10:24,414
And I was like, "Jail."

195
00:10:26,853 --> 00:10:28,590
And he didn't believe me,
so he was like,

196
00:10:28,657 --> 00:10:30,193
"Let me take you to jail."

197
00:10:31,261 --> 00:10:33,934
So Usher,
living up to his name...

198
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,238
(audience laughing)

199
00:10:39,846 --> 00:10:41,281
...ushered me to jail.

200
00:10:42,751 --> 00:10:45,257
And I went into jail
and I did not come out

201
00:10:45,323 --> 00:10:47,026
and thank God for that,
you guys,

202
00:10:47,093 --> 00:10:50,499
because I was
reading TMZ recently

203
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:54,207
and he's getting sued for
giving everyone herpes.

204
00:10:56,412 --> 00:10:58,683
And I definitely would've
fucked Usher.

205
00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:01,054
(audience laughing)

206
00:11:05,129 --> 00:11:07,935
That was like my herpes matrix,
like, "Whoo..."

207
00:11:08,002 --> 00:11:11,008
(audience laughing)

208
00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:15,216
Narrowly avoided
that shit.

209
00:11:17,855 --> 00:11:19,525
To be fair, though,
he did warn us with

210
00:11:19,592 --> 00:11:21,361
"Gotta let it burn."

211
00:11:21,428 --> 00:11:23,332
(audience laughing)

212
00:11:25,637 --> 00:11:28,944
I did quit drinking but I wasn't
convinced I was an alcoholic,

213
00:11:29,011 --> 00:11:30,815
because you go to these
AA meetings

214
00:11:30,881 --> 00:11:33,119
and you hear
the craziest shit.

215
00:11:33,186 --> 00:11:35,323
Like, the first one I was at,
this woman was like,

216
00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:37,427
"Seven years ago,
I was giving myself

217
00:11:37,494 --> 00:11:40,166
an abortion in an alley
with a Waterpik."

218
00:11:42,638 --> 00:11:44,775
(audience laughing)

219
00:11:45,645 --> 00:11:46,946
I was like, "Whoa.

220
00:11:48,015 --> 00:11:49,652
You can use
a Waterpik?"

221
00:11:49,719 --> 00:11:51,889
(audience laughing)

222
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:59,404
I could've saved
so much money.

223
00:12:02,645 --> 00:12:04,014
Talk about a life hack.

224
00:12:08,055 --> 00:12:11,228
(audience applauding)

225
00:12:12,731 --> 00:12:15,904
(cheers and applause)

226
00:12:18,944 --> 00:12:20,280
Alcoholism is a funny disease

227
00:12:20,347 --> 00:12:22,317
because it's the only one
that's self-diagnosed,

228
00:12:22,384 --> 00:12:23,988
so it's a little
tricky to understand

229
00:12:24,054 --> 00:12:25,557
because it's ambiguous,
you know?

230
00:12:25,624 --> 00:12:27,962
All other diseases are a little
easier to understand.

231
00:12:28,029 --> 00:12:29,330
Like, "Oh, you're a diabetic,

232
00:12:29,397 --> 00:12:31,536
so if you eat a Snickers,
you'll lose a foot."

233
00:12:31,603 --> 00:12:34,509
For me, I try and explain it
and I'm like, "I'm an alcoholic.

234
00:12:34,575 --> 00:12:38,817
"So if I take a shot...
I'll fuck a mascot...

235
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:41,488
(audience laughing)

236
00:12:41,556 --> 00:12:43,627
"...at a Little League game...

237
00:12:43,694 --> 00:12:45,864
(audience laughing)

238
00:12:50,473 --> 00:12:51,943
...where I know no one."

239
00:12:52,010 --> 00:12:53,913
(audience laughing)

240
00:12:58,255 --> 00:13:00,627
And if you're not sure
if you're an alcoholic,

241
00:13:00,694 --> 00:13:05,070
just pay attention because
the world will give you clues.

242
00:13:05,136 --> 00:13:07,274
You know, for me,
one of my clues

243
00:13:07,340 --> 00:13:11,081
was this country music song
called "When I Taste Tequila."

244
00:13:12,818 --> 00:13:13,987
You guys know that song?

245
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:15,256
(audience cheering)

246
00:13:15,323 --> 00:13:17,260
Really risky of me to ask
that in Texas.

247
00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:20,601
Like going into
a strip club and being like,

248
00:13:20,668 --> 00:13:22,103
"Any daddy issues?"

249
00:13:22,170 --> 00:13:24,240
(audience laughing)

250
00:13:27,548 --> 00:13:30,019
So the premise of the song is
every time this guy

251
00:13:30,086 --> 00:13:33,125
tastes tequila,
he thinks of one person.

252
00:13:33,192 --> 00:13:34,929
He thinks of his ex-girlfriend

253
00:13:34,996 --> 00:13:37,333
and all of the fun things
that they did together.

254
00:13:41,175 --> 00:13:43,412
And I'm like, "Okay.

255
00:13:43,479 --> 00:13:47,988
When I taste tequila... it's
just a montage of dicks."

256
00:13:51,796 --> 00:13:57,140
Just the 2008 to 2011
Marquette men's basketball team.

257
00:14:00,914 --> 00:14:02,952
College was a blackout...

258
00:14:03,019 --> 00:14:04,956
(audience laughing)

259
00:14:05,023 --> 00:14:06,826
...in a couple
of different ways.

260
00:14:06,893 --> 00:14:10,032
(audience laughing)

261
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:11,569
But I actually heard
from a guy recently

262
00:14:11,636 --> 00:14:13,707
that I used to hook up with
in the NBA

263
00:14:13,774 --> 00:14:14,743
and I thought he was gonna be

264
00:14:14,809 --> 00:14:18,517
calling about the glory days,
the whore-y days, um,

265
00:14:18,583 --> 00:14:20,153
but instead he was
calling to tell me

266
00:14:20,219 --> 00:14:23,125
that now he's
a Jehovah's Witness...

267
00:14:24,962 --> 00:14:26,933
...and I should repent.

268
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,570
And I started laughing.

269
00:14:30,140 --> 00:14:32,477
And he was like,
"Why are you laughing?"

270
00:14:32,545 --> 00:14:34,582
And I was like, "This is just
really hard to hear

271
00:14:34,648 --> 00:14:37,086
coming from someone
who peed in my mouth."

272
00:14:37,153 --> 00:14:39,625
(audience laughing)

273
00:14:47,608 --> 00:14:50,446
And he was like, "Brittany,
this is life-changing stuff."

274
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,187
And I was like, "So was that
threesome we had

275
00:14:54,254 --> 00:14:55,957
with your cousin Keith."

276
00:14:56,024 --> 00:14:58,462
(audience laughing)

277
00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:03,439
I loved being single.

278
00:15:03,507 --> 00:15:05,578
Do we have any single ladies
in here tonight?

279
00:15:05,645 --> 00:15:07,280
(women cheering)

280
00:15:07,347 --> 00:15:09,552
Yes, that is the cry
of a free woman.

281
00:15:09,619 --> 00:15:11,756
(audience laughing)

282
00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:18,469
When you're a single,
straight-ish woman...

283
00:15:18,537 --> 00:15:21,576
...life is like
a ball pit of dicks.

284
00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:23,279
You've gotta play
in that shit,

285
00:15:23,346 --> 00:15:24,582
because by the time
you get married,

286
00:15:24,649 --> 00:15:27,588
you don't wanna be curious;
you wanna be exhausted.

287
00:15:27,655 --> 00:15:29,491
(audience laughing)

288
00:15:34,635 --> 00:15:36,739
I will say this, though,
fucking a white guy

289
00:15:36,806 --> 00:15:38,242
is like eating a salad.

290
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:43,520
You don't do it 'cause it's
the most filling option.

291
00:15:43,587 --> 00:15:45,557
(audience laughing)

292
00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:50,967
You do it 'cause
it's good for you.

293
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:53,071
(audience laughing)

294
00:15:59,251 --> 00:16:01,088
My husband's white,
so now after we fuck, he's like,

295
00:16:01,155 --> 00:16:02,591
"I'm a salad."

296
00:16:02,658 --> 00:16:05,129
(audience laughing)

297
00:16:08,703 --> 00:16:10,406
All of my relationships
prior to my husband

298
00:16:10,473 --> 00:16:13,847
expired quicker than milk,
um... by design,

299
00:16:13,914 --> 00:16:16,553
because my favorite part of
the relationship was the chase.

300
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:19,491
Like, there is nothing more
interesting in somebody

301
00:16:19,559 --> 00:16:22,263
than if they're not
interested in me.

302
00:16:22,330 --> 00:16:25,135
I'm like, "Oh, you're gonna
block me on Instagram?

303
00:16:25,202 --> 00:16:27,775
"I'm gonna wait in your
bushes in a wedding dress.

304
00:16:27,842 --> 00:16:30,112
(audience laughing)

305
00:16:32,585 --> 00:16:36,058
"You're not gonna respond to
my 33 text messages?

306
00:16:36,124 --> 00:16:38,095
I'm gonna plan our family."

307
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,303
Do I want kids?
No, I want your attention.

308
00:16:43,907 --> 00:16:45,677
When you're married
it's a little rough, though,

309
00:16:45,744 --> 00:16:47,782
because your partner is just
always into you.

310
00:16:47,848 --> 00:16:49,250
Um...

311
00:16:49,317 --> 00:16:51,556
(audience laughing)

312
00:16:53,425 --> 00:16:54,460
Boring.

313
00:16:55,898 --> 00:16:57,568
And I said that to my husband
the other day.

314
00:16:57,635 --> 00:16:59,438
He was just, like, following me
around with a boner,

315
00:16:59,506 --> 00:17:01,543
and I was like,
"Could you just not?

316
00:17:01,610 --> 00:17:04,682
Could you just, like, act, like,
a little less into me?"

317
00:17:06,519 --> 00:17:08,222
And he's like,
"Babe, we're married.

318
00:17:08,289 --> 00:17:09,725
Like, do you want a divorce?"

319
00:17:09,792 --> 00:17:11,796
And I was like, "Now you're
talking dirty."

320
00:17:11,863 --> 00:17:14,067
(audience laughing)

321
00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:19,712
I ran into a guy recently that
I used to hook up with

322
00:17:19,779 --> 00:17:22,818
a couple of weeks before my now
husband and I got together

323
00:17:22,885 --> 00:17:27,059
and he said to me, "Good to know
I was the last one."

324
00:17:28,863 --> 00:17:32,638
And I said, "You, sir, were not
even the last one that night.

325
00:17:32,705 --> 00:17:34,642
(audience laughing)

326
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,989
I fucked you 'cause you had
three Chipotle gift cards."

327
00:17:42,056 --> 00:17:43,826
(audience laughing)

328
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:48,336
I didn't even know how much
was on them.

329
00:17:48,402 --> 00:17:50,105
I just wanted to be stuffed.

330
00:17:50,172 --> 00:17:51,842
(audience laughing)

331
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,318
You're not supposed to speak
about your past like I do

332
00:17:56,385 --> 00:17:59,792
when you're a married woman
but fuck the patriarchy.

333
00:17:59,858 --> 00:18:02,096
(cheers and applause)

334
00:18:03,867 --> 00:18:05,604
I was on a flight recently
with my husband

335
00:18:05,671 --> 00:18:06,906
and I was
reading an article

336
00:18:06,973 --> 00:18:09,410
and it said every time you
swallow a load...

337
00:18:11,448 --> 00:18:14,054
...it's 15 calories.

338
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,458
And I was like, "Babe, did you
know every time I swallowed

339
00:18:16,526 --> 00:18:18,830
a load it's 15 calories?"

340
00:18:18,897 --> 00:18:20,333
And the guy in
the middle seat was like,

341
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,036
"Let me grab your husband."

342
00:18:22,103 --> 00:18:24,273
(audience laughing)

343
00:18:29,084 --> 00:18:29,985
And then my husband was like,

344
00:18:30,052 --> 00:18:32,791
"So you've swallowed, like,
15,000 calories?"

345
00:18:36,131 --> 00:18:38,001
I was like, "Way more.

346
00:18:38,068 --> 00:18:40,172
(audience laughing)

347
00:18:40,239 --> 00:18:42,744
What do you think
my freshmen 15 was?"

348
00:18:42,811 --> 00:18:44,648
(audience laughing)

349
00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:48,623
I could not afford food.

350
00:18:54,368 --> 00:18:57,307
I do feel bad for my husband,
though, because--

351
00:18:57,374 --> 00:18:58,977
she gets it.

352
00:18:59,044 --> 00:19:01,314
(audience laughing)

353
00:19:06,458 --> 00:19:08,630
I do feel bad for my husband
because I got sober

354
00:19:08,697 --> 00:19:12,303
in our marriage and I used
to be a very frisky drinker.

355
00:19:12,370 --> 00:19:13,706
I'd come home from
ladies' night,

356
00:19:13,773 --> 00:19:16,278
but through the door
like the fucking Kool-Aid Man,

357
00:19:16,345 --> 00:19:18,650
like, pooh...

358
00:19:18,717 --> 00:19:25,196
♪♪ My neck my back
lick my pussy and my crack ♪♪♪♪

359
00:19:25,262 --> 00:19:29,838
And now I'm like, "If you lick
me... I'll call the police."

360
00:19:29,905 --> 00:19:31,809
(audience laughing)

361
00:19:33,846 --> 00:19:35,617
I give my husband credit,
though, because he does

362
00:19:35,683 --> 00:19:38,422
try and keep my inner ho alive.

363
00:19:38,488 --> 00:19:40,594
Uh, we were stuck in traffic
the other day

364
00:19:40,661 --> 00:19:42,531
and he was like,
"Babe, give me road head."

365
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,601
And I was like, "Yeah,
I'm not gonna do that.

366
00:19:45,971 --> 00:19:49,277
"Broad daylight, we are in
stand-still traffic.

367
00:19:49,344 --> 00:19:51,382
Everyone would see me."

368
00:19:51,448 --> 00:19:54,053
He's like, "You're no fun
anymore."

369
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,957
And I was like, "I'm driving."

370
00:19:56,024 --> 00:19:58,395
(audience laughing)

371
00:20:04,073 --> 00:20:06,444
Everything's changing now.

372
00:20:06,512 --> 00:20:08,983
My vagina changed,
for sure.

373
00:20:09,050 --> 00:20:12,892
You know, in my 20s, it used
to be like a Slip 'N Slide.

374
00:20:12,959 --> 00:20:17,400
It's, like, dangerously wet,
highly trafficked--

375
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:20,105
entertained
the whole neighborhood.

376
00:20:20,172 --> 00:20:23,613
(audience laughing)

377
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,253
And now that I'm in my 30s,
it's like an abandoned pool.

378
00:20:29,390 --> 00:20:33,265
It's, like, dried out,
a little haunted...

379
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:35,402
(audience laughing)

380
00:20:35,469 --> 00:20:37,306
...and only visited
by skateboarders.

381
00:20:37,373 --> 00:20:39,410
(audience laughing)

382
00:20:41,482 --> 00:20:44,087
AKA my husband.

383
00:20:44,154 --> 00:20:48,095
He did try and take a dive in
the shallow end the other day.

384
00:20:48,162 --> 00:20:50,399
That's what I call it when he
tries to go down on me.

385
00:20:53,171 --> 00:20:54,508
And I was like, "Babe, no."

386
00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:55,710
And he's like,
"You never let me."

387
00:20:55,777 --> 00:20:58,850
And I'm like, "'Cause I don't
have four years to spare."

388
00:20:58,917 --> 00:21:00,018
You know?

389
00:21:02,056 --> 00:21:04,529
(audience applauding)

390
00:21:04,595 --> 00:21:06,565
My vibrator takes
two minutes.

391
00:21:07,801 --> 00:21:09,237
It's like sending
a carrier pigeon

392
00:21:09,304 --> 00:21:11,141
when you could
shoot a text.

393
00:21:11,208 --> 00:21:12,978
(audience laughing)

394
00:21:16,184 --> 00:21:19,090
One takes forever and the other
actually makes me cum.

395
00:21:19,157 --> 00:21:20,994
(audience laughing)

396
00:21:25,002 --> 00:21:27,407
Everything changes when you
get married, though.

397
00:21:27,474 --> 00:21:29,711
You know, your fantasies
change for sure.

398
00:21:29,778 --> 00:21:31,949
When you're single, your
fantasies are so simple.

399
00:21:32,016 --> 00:21:36,124
It's just like... pull my hair,
fuck me in an alley,

400
00:21:36,191 --> 00:21:37,894
remember my name.

401
00:21:37,961 --> 00:21:39,698
(audience laughing)

402
00:21:42,705 --> 00:21:44,975
And now that I'm married,
my fantasy is just to roll over

403
00:21:45,042 --> 00:21:47,280
after sex and whisper something
romantic, like,

404
00:21:47,347 --> 00:21:49,551
"Hey, go home.

405
00:21:49,618 --> 00:21:51,689
(audience laughing)

406
00:21:55,128 --> 00:21:56,497
Why do you live here?"

407
00:21:57,968 --> 00:21:59,972
I love my husband,
I just hate roommates.

408
00:22:01,876 --> 00:22:04,681
You learn a lot about each other
being married, though.

409
00:22:04,748 --> 00:22:07,086
You know, we keep learning
stuff about each other.

410
00:22:07,153 --> 00:22:08,322
We just learned recently that

411
00:22:08,388 --> 00:22:10,492
we have different
love languages.

412
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,633
His are touch
and words of affirmation.

413
00:22:13,700 --> 00:22:15,970
And mine is being single.

414
00:22:16,037 --> 00:22:18,577
(audience laughing)

415
00:22:18,643 --> 00:22:20,446
I'm just kidding, I don't
actually wanna be single.

416
00:22:20,514 --> 00:22:22,651
But married sex does get
a little boring.

417
00:22:22,718 --> 00:22:24,922
Um, and I was just talking to my
girlfriend about this

418
00:22:24,989 --> 00:22:26,391
the other day
and she was like,

419
00:22:26,458 --> 00:22:29,264
"Have you ever heard of
Sexy Stranger?"

420
00:22:29,330 --> 00:22:30,600
And I was like,
"No, what's that?"

421
00:22:30,667 --> 00:22:32,871
And she's like, "It's where you
dress up like strangers

422
00:22:32,937 --> 00:22:35,510
"and then you
go out like you're strangers

423
00:22:35,576 --> 00:22:38,148
and then you go home and fuck
like strangers."

424
00:22:39,685 --> 00:22:43,659
I was like, "Well,
have you ever heard...

425
00:22:43,726 --> 00:22:45,129
"of a real stranger?

426
00:22:45,196 --> 00:22:46,865
(audience laughing)

427
00:22:48,870 --> 00:22:50,640
'Cause that's who
I'm trying to fuck."

428
00:22:53,312 --> 00:22:57,854
I have a theory that men
with rape fantasies are creeps

429
00:22:57,921 --> 00:23:02,263
and women... with rape fantasies
are just married.

430
00:23:02,330 --> 00:23:04,668
(audience laughing)

431
00:23:08,074 --> 00:23:11,147
You know why "The Titanic" is
the best love story of all time?

432
00:23:11,214 --> 00:23:14,153
It's because they met,
they fucked for three days,

433
00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:15,523
and then Jack died.

434
00:23:15,590 --> 00:23:17,761
(audience laughing)

435
00:23:20,667 --> 00:23:24,407
(cheers and applause)

436
00:23:27,814 --> 00:23:29,150
Sign me up for that cruise.

437
00:23:34,895 --> 00:23:36,598
I am on my first marriage.

438
00:23:39,504 --> 00:23:41,074
Gotta get it out of the way.

439
00:23:41,141 --> 00:23:43,579
(audience laughing)

440
00:23:43,646 --> 00:23:45,015
I love my husband
but I do feel like marriage

441
00:23:45,082 --> 00:23:46,852
is statistically reckless,
right?

442
00:23:46,919 --> 00:23:49,124
There's nothing else we're doing
as a society with such

443
00:23:49,190 --> 00:23:53,198
a high rate of failure
that we get so excited about.

444
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:54,935
(audience laughing)

445
00:23:55,002 --> 00:23:57,039
If there was a 50% chance you
walked out the front door

446
00:23:57,106 --> 00:24:00,078
and got shot in the head,
you wouldn't be like...

447
00:24:01,883 --> 00:24:03,686
..."I have
the perfect dress for this."

448
00:24:03,753 --> 00:24:06,525
(audience laughing)

449
00:24:10,366 --> 00:24:11,468
Weddings are weird too.

450
00:24:11,536 --> 00:24:12,838
I don't know why
we're still doing these.

451
00:24:12,905 --> 00:24:15,008
They're just a giant charade.

452
00:24:15,075 --> 00:24:17,046
The people getting married
are stressed out,

453
00:24:17,113 --> 00:24:20,152
the people there have
somewhere else they'd rather be.

454
00:24:20,219 --> 00:24:21,889
It just feels like a very
expensive way

455
00:24:21,956 --> 00:24:24,327
to tell people,
"You can't fuck me anymore."

456
00:24:24,394 --> 00:24:26,097
(audience laughing)

457
00:24:27,634 --> 00:24:29,437
My uncle's like, "Bummer."

458
00:24:29,505 --> 00:24:31,675
(audience laughing)

459
00:24:39,357 --> 00:24:42,330
And something always goes wrong
at the 11th hour too.

460
00:24:42,396 --> 00:24:44,033
There's a last-minute snafu.

461
00:24:44,100 --> 00:24:46,939
You know, the classics,
like the dress doesn't fit,

462
00:24:47,006 --> 00:24:50,747
the cake's the wrong flavor,
the groomsmen are on acid.

463
00:24:50,814 --> 00:24:53,285
(audience laughing)

464
00:24:53,352 --> 00:24:54,253
So for my wedding,

465
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:56,558
my mom killed herself three days
before...

466
00:24:56,625 --> 00:24:58,663
(audience groaning)

467
00:24:58,730 --> 00:25:00,566
That's one way to RSVP.

468
00:25:00,633 --> 00:25:02,236
(audience laughing)

469
00:25:07,547 --> 00:25:09,183
Just kidding,
she wasn't invited.

470
00:25:09,250 --> 00:25:11,522
(audience laughing)

471
00:25:17,934 --> 00:25:19,805
But she did die doing
what she loves,

472
00:25:19,871 --> 00:25:21,508
which is stealing my spotlight.

473
00:25:21,575 --> 00:25:23,646
(audience laughing)

474
00:25:31,529 --> 00:25:33,431
That joke usually kills.

475
00:25:33,498 --> 00:25:35,703
(audience laughing)

476
00:25:37,941 --> 00:25:40,379
If you didn't like that one,
you're gonna hate this one.

477
00:25:40,446 --> 00:25:43,184
(audience laughing)

478
00:25:43,251 --> 00:25:44,755
When you lose someone
to suicide,

479
00:25:44,822 --> 00:25:47,293
it's not uncommon
to have very lucid dreams

480
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:48,963
of their time of death.

481
00:25:49,030 --> 00:25:50,767
So the first time that
happened to me,

482
00:25:50,834 --> 00:25:53,171
I shot out of bed,
I was covered in sweat,

483
00:25:53,238 --> 00:25:56,812
my eyes were running...
because I came so hard.

484
00:25:56,879 --> 00:25:59,250
(audience laughing)

485
00:26:17,821 --> 00:26:19,457
So I'm in therapy.

486
00:26:19,525 --> 00:26:21,695
(audience laughing)

487
00:26:23,264 --> 00:26:26,972
(cheers and applause)

488
00:26:29,344 --> 00:26:32,416
My therapist is on maternity
leave and it shows.

489
00:26:32,483 --> 00:26:34,386
(audience laughing)

490
00:26:34,453 --> 00:26:36,391
But when she's not,
after every session,

491
00:26:36,458 --> 00:26:39,564
I like to tell her, "You are my
most expensive friend."

492
00:26:39,631 --> 00:26:41,702
(audience laughing)

493
00:26:41,769 --> 00:26:44,140
And she's like,
"We're not friends."

494
00:26:44,207 --> 00:26:46,444
And I'm like, "You have
intimacy issues."

495
00:26:46,512 --> 00:26:48,181
(audience laughing)

496
00:26:49,885 --> 00:26:51,622
And she's like,
"You're projecting."

497
00:26:52,891 --> 00:26:53,993
I love therapy
but I do feel like

498
00:26:54,060 --> 00:26:56,732
it's a very well-intentioned
pyramid scheme,

499
00:26:56,798 --> 00:26:59,772
um, because every time
I get back from therapy,

500
00:26:59,839 --> 00:27:03,111
I say to my husband,
"My therapist and I think...

501
00:27:06,952 --> 00:27:08,522
...that you need
to go to therapy."

502
00:27:08,589 --> 00:27:10,392
(audience laughing)

503
00:27:11,829 --> 00:27:12,998
And being married to a man
is weird

504
00:27:13,064 --> 00:27:15,102
because they don't like
being told what to do

505
00:27:15,168 --> 00:27:18,241
but they don't know
what's best for them.

506
00:27:18,308 --> 00:27:21,280
So you have to judo mind-fuck
them into thinking

507
00:27:21,347 --> 00:27:23,251
everything is their idea.

508
00:27:23,318 --> 00:27:24,788
(audience laughing)

509
00:27:27,093 --> 00:27:29,097
Like, things my husband
currently think are his idea

510
00:27:29,163 --> 00:27:34,708
are, like, flossing his teeth,
brushing his teeth...

511
00:27:35,910 --> 00:27:37,379
...being married to me.

512
00:27:39,483 --> 00:27:41,889
So my husband decided
to go to therapy.

513
00:27:43,726 --> 00:27:44,761
And I was so excited.

514
00:27:44,828 --> 00:27:46,097
I texted my therapist,
I was like,

515
00:27:46,164 --> 00:27:47,668
"Oh, my God,
he's gonna go.

516
00:27:47,734 --> 00:27:50,038
Who should we send him to?"

517
00:27:50,105 --> 00:27:52,511
And I'm not kidding you when
I say she sent me

518
00:27:52,578 --> 00:27:56,785
the hottest person I've
ever seen in my entire life.

519
00:27:59,290 --> 00:28:01,160
This bitch was wearing
a choker...

520
00:28:03,867 --> 00:28:05,670
...in her
professional headshot.

521
00:28:05,737 --> 00:28:07,941
(audience laughing)

522
00:28:10,012 --> 00:28:13,786
Nothing says "I suck dick
to trick my Fitbit...

523
00:28:13,853 --> 00:28:16,290
(audience laughing)

524
00:28:22,436 --> 00:28:23,806
...quite like a choker."

525
00:28:25,877 --> 00:28:26,945
So I was like,
"Never mind, baby,

526
00:28:27,012 --> 00:28:29,083
"you don't need to go
to therapy.

527
00:28:29,149 --> 00:28:30,720
"We will have much bigger issues

528
00:28:30,787 --> 00:28:32,857
if you spend an hour
a week with this slut."

529
00:28:35,362 --> 00:28:36,297
My husband's an idiot.

530
00:28:36,364 --> 00:28:39,805
Like, he is handsome
and hilarious

531
00:28:39,871 --> 00:28:42,510
and women are hitting
on him all the time.

532
00:28:42,577 --> 00:28:44,280
They hit on him
in front of me.

533
00:28:44,347 --> 00:28:45,249
It's insane.

534
00:28:45,316 --> 00:28:49,256
I'm like, "I might seem nice
but I will cut a bitch."

535
00:28:49,323 --> 00:28:51,829
And he's like, "Babe, you have
nothing to worry about.

536
00:28:51,895 --> 00:28:53,699
You do not seem nice."

537
00:28:53,766 --> 00:28:56,070
(audience laughing)

538
00:29:01,180 --> 00:29:02,449
And it's funny too when you
get married,

539
00:29:02,517 --> 00:29:06,324
your single girlfriends like to
"asperationalize" your marriage.

540
00:29:06,391 --> 00:29:08,762
They're like, "Where did you
meet Chris?

541
00:29:08,829 --> 00:29:11,802
I feel like all
the good guys are married."

542
00:29:11,868 --> 00:29:14,373
And I was like, "Mine was too
when I met him."

543
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,143
(audience laughing)

544
00:29:19,184 --> 00:29:21,521
And, no, I didn't take him
out of that marriage.

545
00:29:21,588 --> 00:29:24,226
His ex shit the sheets
and I swooped in.

546
00:29:25,730 --> 00:29:28,936
And have you guys
ever started dating someone

547
00:29:29,003 --> 00:29:31,307
and you look at their ex

548
00:29:31,374 --> 00:29:33,411
and then you question
your entire existence?

549
00:29:35,415 --> 00:29:38,522
Not only does she look like
an old shoe but...

550
00:29:38,589 --> 00:29:41,094
(audience laughing)

551
00:29:41,161 --> 00:29:44,100
...she's a reckless
person, you know?

552
00:29:44,167 --> 00:29:48,007
Like, she had an affair,
got pregnant

553
00:29:48,074 --> 00:29:49,711
and had
the other guy's baby

554
00:29:49,778 --> 00:29:51,380
all while they were
still married.

555
00:29:52,383 --> 00:29:53,986
I know.

556
00:29:54,053 --> 00:29:57,125
I could never
keep the baby.

557
00:29:57,192 --> 00:29:59,898
(audience laughing)

558
00:30:04,875 --> 00:30:06,311
My husband and I don't
want babies

559
00:30:06,377 --> 00:30:09,852
because we want sleep and money
and for our marriage to work.

560
00:30:09,918 --> 00:30:14,227
(cheers and applause)

561
00:30:14,294 --> 00:30:16,932
And I think it's weird that
it's socially acceptable

562
00:30:16,998 --> 00:30:19,003
to tell people that
they should have kids

563
00:30:19,070 --> 00:30:22,442
but not that they shouldn't,
you know?

564
00:30:22,510 --> 00:30:27,186
Like, my old boss, who had
a meth phase in college

565
00:30:27,252 --> 00:30:31,227
and eats Adderall like
Lucky Charms for breakfast...

566
00:30:31,293 --> 00:30:34,333
...was always like, "You guys
need to have a baby."

567
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:37,640
I'm like, "You need
to safely surrender yours."

568
00:30:37,707 --> 00:30:40,680
(audience laughing)

569
00:30:40,746 --> 00:30:44,655
Before I did comedy full-time,
I used to work in an office.

570
00:30:44,721 --> 00:30:45,757
But I couldn't do that shit

571
00:30:45,824 --> 00:30:49,497
because you have to be
passive-aggressive as fuck

572
00:30:49,564 --> 00:30:50,800
to work in an office.

573
00:30:50,867 --> 00:30:54,173
I didn't realize
the English language

574
00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:56,979
had a whole second meaning

575
00:30:57,046 --> 00:31:00,787
with passive-aggressive
email English

576
00:31:00,854 --> 00:31:02,489
until I started
receiving these emails.

577
00:31:02,557 --> 00:31:05,797
I didn't realize that
"thank you"

578
00:31:05,863 --> 00:31:07,199
could mean "fuck you."

579
00:31:07,266 --> 00:31:08,870
(audience laughing)

580
00:31:08,936 --> 00:31:10,906
Or that "per my last email"

581
00:31:10,973 --> 00:31:14,179
means "you're the cum shot
your mom should've swallowed."

582
00:31:14,246 --> 00:31:16,417
(audience laughing)

583
00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:26,470
Or my favorite was,
"Does this make sense?"

584
00:31:29,376 --> 00:31:31,815
One time my supervisor put me
on an email

585
00:31:31,882 --> 00:31:35,790
with the CEO of the company
and signed off with,

586
00:31:35,857 --> 00:31:37,527
"Does this make sense?"

587
00:31:37,594 --> 00:31:39,831
I said, "Does this make
sense, Jaclyn?

588
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,668
"You just CC'd Dave.

589
00:31:41,735 --> 00:31:43,137
"This is fucking war zone.

590
00:31:43,204 --> 00:31:44,908
I'm gonna shit
on your desk."

591
00:31:44,975 --> 00:31:47,012
(audience laughing)

592
00:31:51,722 --> 00:31:55,329
So I had to quit
that job, um...

593
00:31:55,396 --> 00:31:57,667
...because I got an HR complaint
filed against me...

594
00:31:59,370 --> 00:32:01,608
...which was uncomfortable
'cause I worked in HR.

595
00:32:01,675 --> 00:32:04,313
(audience laughing)

596
00:32:04,380 --> 00:32:06,184
No, but when I was there,
the whole time my boss

597
00:32:06,250 --> 00:32:08,187
was like,
"You need to have babies."

598
00:32:08,254 --> 00:32:09,625
She was like, "You're gonna
change your mind

599
00:32:09,691 --> 00:32:10,927
'cause babies are miracles."

600
00:32:10,993 --> 00:32:13,298
And I'm like,
"Babies are miracles?

601
00:32:13,364 --> 00:32:15,001
"Have you met people?

602
00:32:15,068 --> 00:32:16,571
(audience laughing)

603
00:32:17,674 --> 00:32:19,143
"What's the cutoff?

604
00:32:19,210 --> 00:32:21,080
(audience laughing)

605
00:32:22,750 --> 00:32:24,955
"When did Jeffrey Dahmer
stop being a miracle

606
00:32:25,021 --> 00:32:26,958
and start
being a serial killer?"

607
00:32:27,025 --> 00:32:29,932
(audience laughing)

608
00:32:29,998 --> 00:32:34,173
And I don't want a baby because
I'm still raising my husband.

609
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:37,279
(audience laughing)

610
00:32:37,346 --> 00:32:40,619
The other day, he scratched
his legs until they bled.

611
00:32:42,323 --> 00:32:45,395
And I was like, "Babe,
you've gotta use lotion."

612
00:32:45,461 --> 00:32:47,600
He was like, "I don't
believe in lotion."

613
00:32:47,667 --> 00:32:50,071
(audience laughing)

614
00:32:50,138 --> 00:32:52,009
I was like, "Okay, well,
it's not a belief system.

615
00:32:52,076 --> 00:32:53,411
It's science."

616
00:32:54,747 --> 00:32:57,019
I'm like, "If you were black,
you'd get it

617
00:32:57,085 --> 00:32:58,555
'cause you'd be ashy."

618
00:32:58,622 --> 00:33:01,393
And he was like, "If I were
black, you'd love me more."

619
00:33:02,162 --> 00:33:04,066
(audience laughing)

620
00:33:05,202 --> 00:33:07,072
And I was like,
"That's also science."

621
00:33:07,139 --> 00:33:09,042
(audience laughing)

622
00:33:10,579 --> 00:33:12,650
All right, I'm gonna
leave you guys with this.

623
00:33:12,717 --> 00:33:15,222
I feel like relationships
are hard in general,

624
00:33:15,288 --> 00:33:16,592
even if you're not married,

625
00:33:16,659 --> 00:33:18,294
but I think they're
harder for girls

626
00:33:18,361 --> 00:33:20,265
because, as girls,
you're raised being told

627
00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:22,002
all this fantastical shit about

628
00:33:22,069 --> 00:33:24,941
what your love life
is gonna be like.

629
00:33:25,008 --> 00:33:26,410
Your dad calls you "princess"

630
00:33:26,477 --> 00:33:28,214
and you're like, "Oh, my God,
there's gonna be a prince

631
00:33:28,281 --> 00:33:30,018
"and a horse and a castle.

632
00:33:30,085 --> 00:33:31,420
I'm in."

633
00:33:32,690 --> 00:33:35,328
And my dad
just called me "squirt"...

634
00:33:35,395 --> 00:33:37,533
(audience laughing)

635
00:33:41,340 --> 00:33:43,177
...and I couldn't
even live up to that.

636
00:33:43,244 --> 00:33:45,482
(audience laughing)

637
00:33:45,550 --> 00:33:46,885
You guys have
been amazing.

638
00:33:46,952 --> 00:33:48,188
Thank you so much!

639
00:33:48,254 --> 00:33:51,528
(cheers and applause)

640
00:33:51,595 --> 00:33:53,799
♪♪♪♪

641
00:33:57,707 --> 00:34:00,144
- Nah, man, yeah,
you've got it.

642
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:01,882
You've got it.

643
00:34:01,949 --> 00:34:03,953
And it's good too 'cause it
would've been a crazy night

644
00:34:04,019 --> 00:34:05,388
for me to have to trash you.

645
00:34:05,455 --> 00:34:06,725
- Yeah!

646
00:34:06,792 --> 00:34:11,066
♪♪♪♪

647
00:34:13,004 --> 00:34:15,576
(woman)
- You were amazing!

648
00:34:15,643 --> 00:34:18,347
♪♪♪♪

649
00:34:47,607 --> 00:34:48,642
(bird squawking)

650
00:34:48,709 --> 00:34:50,144
(man)
- Thank you very much.