Previously on So Help Me Todd...
Allison! Mom? Dick?
Patty, is that you?
You know my aunt?
I am deserving of senior associate.
I would like nothing more than to give you that promotion,
but now is not the time.
The firm is going under.
MERRITT [over speaker]: Welcome to the world behind the curtain.
It's a Cube-Brick. Folding wanted it.
Of course Folding wanted it.
Probably to spy on us.
MERRITT [over speaker]: The Lee sisters are on board,
but it's only gonna last us six months.
We're not out of the woods yet.
Merritt Folding? MAN 1: Merritt Folding.
Merritt Folding? MAN 2: Merritt Folding.
♪ Jump in the shower ♪
♪ And the blood starts pumping ♪
♪ Out on the streets ♪
♪ The traffic starts jumping ♪
♪ For folks like me on the job ♪
♪ From nine to five [elevator bell dings]
♪ Working nine to five ♪
♪ What a way to make a living... ♪
Ms. Wright. Ms. Wright, I have several... Wrong.
- I can't right now, Lewis. - But I've sent you three emails.
Our office supply vendor is raising their rates.
- I am aware. - I can't keep pushing them off.
Well, push a little bit longer, like I did with your emails.
Margaret, I still need you to review these H.R. complaints.
O-Okay. And sign these checks.
- I was here first. - Mine is urgent.
I camped out all day yesterday in the women's bathroom
- waiting to talk to her. - You did?
Mm-hmm. Stop doing that.
Payroll, maintenance, and custodial.
I can't see it... Here, here, and...
An H.R. complaint can bankrupt us if it turns into a lawsuit.
No, I know. I won't. I'm not. I can't.
All right, I got it... And then one more page...
I'll be right back, yes.
Just give me a minute, okay?
How is this not working?
Todd. - Uh...
Vacate my chair, please.
Yeah. How is what not working?
Todd's Taco Tuesday.
I'm advertising a special for my P.I. services.
Half off, plus one delicious breakfast taco,
and it has yielded exactly zero new clients.
Zip. Zilcho.
Well, hard to believe that people aren't lining up
for one breakfast taco.
Shouldn't be wasting my time
scouring for business like a sewer rat.
I should be out on the streets like a vigilante superhero,
solving crimes
and catching murderers with my bare hands.
You're the one who made the choice to open your own business
and you're lucky you have the firm to fall back on,
and if you feel like you just can't make a go of it,
then maybe... Instead, I am stuck with two dozen tacos.
- ...it is time to admit defeat. - Well, 12 dozen tacos.
Guess I know what I'm eating every day...
Maybe it isn't everything that you want.
Maybe-maybe there's another way to get ahead, and...
Oh...
What's going on with you? You okay?
- Heard from The Bradshaw Group. - And?
Not returning.
They signed with Granger Zisk.
Half a million dollar retainer, gone.
Granger Zisk. Good God, the vultures are circling.
I think everyone can smell CF&W failing,
and it is causing them to avoid my tacos.
I did not become a name partner
to be buried alive in paperwork
and personnel issues
and problems that I cannot solve. Ugh!
Is this what my life's work amounts to?
Just rolling a giant boulder
up an impossible hill to nowhere?
Forever?
Damn...
Damn it.
I want to accomplish
just one thing today,
just one thing.
To solve one problem.
To make myself feel more effective for once.
Is that too muchto ask?
- It is a lot to ask. - Todd.
I refuse to let this firm fail.
I helped build this entire place,
and I did not work this hard to get my name...
Your wrong name.
My wrong name above the door just to...
Just to what? Go down with the ship?
Pulling under innocent victims? Like me and Francey
and Susan and... Lyle can float.
Stop it.
I...
am going downstairs for some coffee.
Ooh, I-I'll take a latte
with a side of... nothing.
Side of nothing.
Yeah. Hold the latte.
Oh, Ms. Wright, wait.
Margaret... Uh, Ms. Wright, I just need one more approval...
Whoa.
I'm sorry. Are... are you okay?
No. I'm dead.
- Sorry, you're what? You're dead? - Yes.
And this lawyer just turned down my case.
Says it's impossible to resurrect me.
Now, how am Isupposed
to live my life when I don't exist anymore?
But-but you're - right here. - Mm-mm.
No?
Your obituary?
I was declared dead six months ago.
- H-How did this happen? - I have no idea.
I've contacted every government agency I can think of,
and it's been nothing but... Dead ends? [chuckles] Sorry.
I don't understand. I mean...
you are alive, you are clearly alive.
Yeah, can't you just show your I.D. or your birth certificate
to the police or...?Once my "death" was reported
to the Social Security Administration,
it set off a chain reaction.
My credit cards, my health insurance were canceled.
I lost my job at Belmont Auto Repair
because "dead people" can't get paychecks.
Hey, um,
what are the chances he's actually dead
and we're the only ones that could see him?
You know, like on that show about apparitions?
Todd.
I'm on the verge of being broke and homeless,
and the State of Oregon is seizing
all my assets in probate court today.
- Wait, today? - Like, today-today
or today-today? Must be today.
If someone doesn't help me soon, I...
I don't know. What...
What happens to someone who doesn't legally exist?
I can help you.
We can help you.
We can straighten this all out
at your probate hearing today.
We can fix whatever
bureaucratic nonsense
led to this egregious clerical error.
We can accomplish this today.
Thank you.
Yeah, he seems real.
Very soft hands.
Hey, Margaret, - do you have a minute? - Oh, Susan.
Yes, of course. I'm preparing for probate court
this afternoon, but what do you need?
I have a last-minute meeting with a potential client
tomorrow morning, and I need your help.
Oh. Now you need my help, do you?
Um, well, okay.
I'd be happy to. Just have Francey put it on my schedule,
or, Susan,
we could have lunch and discuss...
Oh. A-Actually, I just need the conference room,
and you have it booked.
Okay. All yours.
Thank you.
Who's the client?
4X Technology Innovators.
A potential one million dollar - a year retainer. - Oh.
Amazing. And, uh, how'd you get the meeting?
The CEO, Rory McIntosh, is a new business associate of Peter's.
Ah-hah. You know, Susan,
building your client roster is very important,
but this-- this could be very, very big for the firm.
So, maybe if you let me help you, we can land this account.
Oh, thank you, but, uh, I think I can do it on my own.
And then you'll have to promote me.
Ah!
Ugh, cheese and crackers!
Lyle, are you okay?
Oh, uh, it's just a toothache. I'm fine. Ah...
Okay, so, when someone dies, like, for real,
they get entered into the EDRS,
the Electronic Death Registration System.
Electronic death? That sounds awful. What?
- Don't come back here. - Okay, fine. Then what happens?
Okay. Then that gets sent to the Social Security Administration
and added to their Death Master File.
Death Master? This all sounds so creepy.
And, by the way, speaking of death,
part of me is still trying to come back to life
after catching you in my bed
with that fraud, Dick Franks.
Todd, Dick and I...
I don't like you saying "Dick."
You just said it, okay?
And, also, I'm not discussing my sex life.
Nor will I be judged by someone
who has an ex-girlfriend in prison.
Hey, I put her in prison.
Yeah, that doesn't make it better.
Look, I'm not talking about this. Not with you,
not with Mom, from whom I have not heard in a week,
by the way. Ugh, I can just feel her judging me
and criticizing me and dying to tell me
what to do and how to do it. I hate it. I hate this.
God, you're so Angry Teen Allison.
Yeah well, I never was Angry Teen Allison,
so bring it on.
Oh, it's been broughten, sister.
By the way,
are we just waiting for this Electrical Death Lord
- to print or whatever? - It's printing right now.
Electrical Death Lord? What is wrong with you?
What? That's exactly what you just said.
No.
Your Honor,
my client, Leo Hart, is clearly alive.
There's no need to proceed
with a probate hearing regarding his estate.
Your Honor, we've never had a case
where the decedent contested their own probate hearing.
That's because the decedent isn't deceased.
He's right here, alive.
I can only go by what the paperwork says,
and all my paperwork says Leo Hart is dead.
This is him.
He literally has a pulse.
Obviously, I see that. We all see that,
but in the eyes of the U.S. government, it's curtains.
Your Honor, this is ludicrous.
My client isn't going to lose everything
he owns just because of a...
Only God
and the Social Security Administration
can reverse a death.
And how long would that take?
Months. Years.
We don't even have an official form
to fix something like this.
No form, no fix.
No form, no fix?
This is a highly unusual situation,
so I will grant you a continuance
on the probate hearing, Counselor.
You have one week to prove that your client is, um...
legally alive.
Thank you.
Is-is this a good thing?
Oh, it buys us time, and Todd
is already looking into who reported you dead,
so I promise you
we will have this sorted out
within the week.
No form, no fix.
Your client's death was reported to the EDRS
by a Dr. Ray Munipke.
- What? Do you know him? - No, which is odd,
because I know every doctor on this wing.
I've never even heard that name before.
Oh, maybe because it's pronounced "Manupkay,"
- not Munipke. - It's not pronounced "Manupkay."
- It's Munipke. - It's "Manupkay." Look right there.
What, do you have a degree in pronunciation?
Yes, I do, dude.
This is his office. This is his office?
Hello?
Uh, this is
a janitor's closet.
This is all... T-The form is wrong.
Someone faked an address in the hospital?
And medical credentials.
Which explains why you've never heard of Dr. "Manupkay,"Munipke.
because he doesn't exist.
Maybe...
maybe Leo's death wasn't a clerical error.
Maybe someone killed him on paper
on purpose.
Do you have any idea who would want you declared dead?
No. I'm a nobody.
I don't have any enemies or...
I don't even have any friends.
I generally try and stay away from people.
Why?
Because, um, I don't deserve to have people in my life.
Um, I've been sober ten years,
- but I was a mess. - Ah.
I'm an alcoholic.
All I did was let people down and drive them away.
Well, you can't punish yourself for your past.
No one deserves to be alone.
I talked to your son-in-law, Chet.
He said Leo's obituary was submitted
to The Portland Sentinel by one Kirkland Quimby,
owner of Hillside Funeral Home.
Do you know any Kirkland Quimby?
Kirkland Quimby. No.
Why would he write an obituary for me?
Well, if somebody wants you dead,
the longer the paper trail, the harder it is to unravel.
If there's anything else you need,
I'm around!
Oh, Lyle.
Uh, Francey, can you come in here right now, please,
and take Lyle to the dentist?
It is clearly an emergency.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No. There's no need.
I'm fi... [yelps] ...ine.
Lyle, you are not fine.
Go now, Francey.
Lyle, the last time you ignored a toothache,
I found you passed out from the pain in your office.
Let's go.
It's okay.
Just admit you're afraid of the dentist.
- I just need some ginger ale. - Oh...
So, uh, what do we do now?
Well, now, I'm going to pay a visit to this Kirkland Quimby.
You got to admit,
paper-killing someone is genius.
They're dead, but you didn't do it,
- But you did. - Both are illegal.
I can think of a few people I would love to paper kill.
Who?
Harry, Veronica, Lyle sometimes,
Lyle most times, Colonel Sanders.
- Colonel Sanders? - Yeah.
He's terrifying. That little body?
Welcome. Come this way, please.
Thank you so much.
Todd, perhaps you could add that vagrant
that Allison was with in your apartment to the list.
Is she still seeing him?
I don't know, but you're not gonna find out
by ignoring her and then dumping on her choices,
which will then make her ignore you. I mean,
how long did we go without talking?
You still owe me, like, 104 family dinners.
Hello. I'm Kirkland Quimby.
- How may I help you? - Hi. Hello, hello.
How do you do? Uh, we're here
to discuss some - funeral arrangements. - Please.
Yes, for my mother, God bless her soul.
Such a sprightly sense of humor.
No, no, no, for my son.
No, I thought the last thing a parent wants to do
- is bury their child. - Well, it depends on the child.
I... Well, whichever one of you is dying, uh,
may I ask which funeral package you are interested in?
Uh, for me? Very expensive.
Money is no object. Sky's the limit.
Mm, yes, well, I was actually thinking
of something much simpler, along the economy side.
A box. A flower. A hole.
Oh, for your beloved favorite son?
I have another.
All right then, 21-gun salute,
6,000 doves, ten bald eagles--
the baldest money can buy--
and I also want want an ax
and an oxygen tank down there
just in case I spring back to life.
Does that happen? There's got to be a few cases, right?
It's rare, but...
- What? - May I ask,
are obituaries a part of your funeral package?
Oh, yes, we provide touching, personalized obituaries.
Ah-ha. So, you could write an obituary for my son,
like the one you wrote for Leo Hart.
Leo Hart?
I-I've never written an obituary for anybody by that name.
Really? You didn't write this?
This is a copy of an email that you sent
to The Portland Sentinel
along with Leo Hart's obituary.W...
I... This isn't my email address.
Th-This account belonged to my father,
Kirkland Quimby, Senior.
But he died, 20 years ago.
That makes sense. It is an AOL account.
Will you excuse us for one second, please?
Todd, how does someone access a dead father's email account
in order to send an obituary to The Portland Sentinel?
Sounds like we're dealing - with a computer hacker. - Hmm.
The same person who used fake medical credentials
to pose as a nonexistent doctor.
Oh, and until, like, last year, you had an AOL account.
Todd. We need get Lyle to track down this hacker.
Lyle? What am I, buried alive?
Excuse me, but may I ask,
what exactly is it you are dying of?
Oh, um, tongue... problem.
Chronic tongue problem.
Make way!
Okay, easy, easy.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Lyle, here. - Mm?
Mm... This is you. Here.
Easy, tiger.
Uh... Oh. Okay.
Not a-not a coatrack. Oop.
Sit. Sit.
Okay, all right.
Hello. - All right.
Lyle,
are you sure you don't want to lie down and rest?
I'm fine.
No, no, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Hey, Lyle, I need your help with a...
I'm fine.
Fine...
They, um, extracted a tooth.
The nitrous oxide
hasn't worn off yet.
- Well, what's he doing here? - He insisted.
He almost passed out after seeing the drill.
I think he's afraid to be home alone.
Lyle?
I'm gonna go get you some water.
Okay.
M'kay.
So...
...what do you need my help with?
Well, I'm trying to track down a criminal hacker
who fakes medical credentials and steals email accounts,
but you're clearly in no shape to help, so..."Dock weh."
Hm?"Dock weh."
"Dock way-buh."
Dark web? Are you saying dark web?
"Dock weh."
I-I can't go on the dark web
from a work computer, I'd get fired.
Use a computer
with its own Internet "serber."
What?"Swerber."
"S-Swerver."
But we all share the same server.
Oh, no, no, no, no, we don't.
Shh. No.
"Merriff Tolding" has his own "swerber."
Merritt Folding has his own server?
And he is "neber hee-oh."
But Folding's computer
would be protected, right? Like Beverly?
You can only access it with his fingerprint?
And mine.
System administrator.
Boop.
Ooh, fancy-fancy.
Well, hello, Merritt Folding.
If you'll just let me speak to someone in charge,
I'm certain they'll be interested
in this fantastic opportunity.
Sir, we are a law firm. And I really don't think...
Just look at our brochure.
Francey! I just want to double-check the, uh, details
of my meeting with Rory McIntosh this morning.
Which you just did an hour ago.
The conference room is all set.
Okay, thanks, I just...
I have to win this client,
so please let me know - when he arrives. - Mm-hmm.
I think he's kind of tall.
Ah, I can wait. I'd be happy to.
You know what,
I'm gonna grab a coffee, maybe a snack.
Just... Thanks so much.
Hello there. Rory McIntosh,
here to meet with Susan Yang.
But tell me, which way is your restroom?
That way.
Thanks so much.
Okay...
- Dark web. - What?
Dark web. ♪ Scary place, scary people. ♪
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
Oh, uh, you know what? Um...
look at this. Merritt Folding just texted.
He says hi, and it's okay,
and he wants you to help me with this case no matter what.
- He said that? - Mm-hmm.
He knows Todd and Lyle - are in his office? - Yep.
Todd and Lyle.
Tyle.
Tyle!
That's right. Team Lodd.
Now, let's go ahead and, uh, dark web us up.
You got it.
Oh, cap'n, my cap'n.
Why does the firm use your fingerprint
to gain security access?
My fingerprint has an arch.
Only five percent of the population has 'em.
Yay.
Lapland?
Is this a gum?
Merritt Folding chews gum
from Lapland?
Is one of you Merritt Folding?
The Merritt Folding?
Lead counsel on the PDX Securities tribunal?
Brilliant work. Gah, you're a legend!
And so young.
I cannot believe that you're here.
I heard that you're a recluse.
Aye. Nay. Merritt Folding.
In the flesh.
Feast your eyes upon me.
No. Are you Scottish?
Aye.
Now you've been evicted.
What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna live?
Okay, okay, don't panic. Francey?
Okay, just make yourself at home right in my office
and I'll be right back.
Francey?
Where is he? It's 11:05.
Oh! That must be him. Rory McIntosh.
Hello, hi.
I'm Susan Yang. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
You too.
My Scottish brother!
Rory McIntosh, CEO, 4X Technology Innovators.
I'm here to meet Susan Yang.
- Susan? - Aye. Yeah.
I'm about to go public-- I'd be an idiot
to do that without a law firm.
Whereabouts in Scotland are you from?
Oh, um, uh, Loch Narb.
Right around the bend from Loch Ness.
But we got a wee different monster, don't we?
Yeah, ours is an enormous white crab.
Look at us, two young bastards, Ow.
conquering Portland.
Right, right.
And we are in!
Oh, uh...
this is my assistant, Todd.
Yeah, he's a bit out of it.
Hey, why don't we go to the kitchen
and grab a bite to eat
- while he works, huh? - Aye.
I can't believe
- Folding is here. - Yeah, I guess he's meeting
with some guy, some tall I guy I just saw
- in the kitchen. - Oh, my God.
Oh, Francey, there you are.
Can you please make a case file...
Folding is here.
- What? - Folding.
Here? Why?
I-I heard he's meeting with Rory McIntosh,
who's in the kitchen.
What? Rory?
The client Susan - is trying to sign? - Yes.
Wait, if she brought Folding into her meeting instead of me,
they're shoving me out.
Take... No... The audacity. They are going to include me
whether they like it or not.
I'm gonna go talk to this Rory McIntosh...
right now.
Go get 'em.
Huh. Impressive.
And that's why they included me
in the 40 under 40 profile.
- That's me. Number 22 of 40. - Wow.
You should be really proud of all your achievements.
Thank you.
But having you as a client
is the kind of achievement we dream about.
Fighting for you,
building your future.
It's the whole reason I became a lawyer.
I got to say, uh, your firm
really knows how to make a guy
feel valuable.
Of course.
My presentation. Okay.
My laptop. I will be right back.
You eat that cake.
Okay.
- Oh, these tacos are incredible. - Yeah.
When my company was a start-up--
two employees, no revenue--
I lived off tacos.
Was all I could afford.
Ah, indeed, me blighty.
Or me matey?
But tell me,
from one young Scot to another,
how did you build your company into what it is today?
- Trust the product. - Hmm.
Aye. You dinna need gimmicks, giveaways,
uh, spend all your cash on silly promotions.
If you're selling quality products and services,
- your customers find you. - Trust the product.
That's bloody brilliant advice, Rory.
Rory?
Hello there, lassie.
Rory McIntosh. How are you?
Rory McIntosh?
That's what the man said,
and you're looking bonny today,
- Susan. - Susan Yang?
Oh, Merritt here has been filling me
with tacos and nonsense.
I'm so pleased to finally meet you.
- Hi. - Right.
Let's get back to your office,
and I can hear what - your firm has to offer. - Aye.
- Merritt Folding? - Aye...
I was told I could find you in the kitchen.
Margaret Wright of Crest, Folding and Wright.
And I just stopped by to let you know, personally,
that, as name and managing partner,
we would be thrilled to be in business with you.
Well, I am delighted to hear that.
Well, as am I.
We are just chomping at the bit to make this happen.
If you'd be happy to sign today.
Oh, yes, ooh, yes. I would be so very happy, yes.
Um, I'm just gonna go tell my assistant
to fill out the proper paperwork.
So, how about a drink, Merritt?
All right.
I really think we'd be more comfortable
in the conference room.
No, let's stay in here.
Now, I don't need another
PowerPoint presentation
or to end up at a stuffy, auld firm.
That's why I was so pleased to meet this young titan.
And a fellow Scot.
Aye!
Excuse me.
Work calls.
- Of course. - Hello?
What the hell are you doing?
He assumed that I was Folding and Scottish,
so I had to go along with it.
And I've been watching a lot of Shrek lately.
Like, a lot.
And-and what are you doing in here, and...
Who was I just meeting with in the conf...
We're hacking the dark web.
Oh, great.
Look, you're trying to land Rory as a client.
He loves me. He'll totally sign on.
Well, yeah, if you pretend to be Merritt Folding
the entire time we represent him.
And why are you on the dark web on this computer?
You're on the dark web?
Yes? Y-Yes.
Uh, we will go to any lengths to help our clients.
That's brilliant, innit? What are you looking for?
A very scary hacker,
but I can't keep up with this dynamic encryption.
It's so fast. Zoom, zoom.
You need more processing power, Todd.
A single computer's
no match for the dark web.
You know, my company makes a mobile device
that can turn any computer
into a rocket powerful enough
to handle anything. And I mean anything.
A rocket?
Aye.
I happen to have one right here.
A rocket in your pocket?
Aye.
Francey! Francey.
I showed them.
I just signed Rory McIntosh in his fabulous purple suit
all by myself,
without Merritt or Susan.
I'm going to singlehandedly save this firm.
Hmm. Purple suit?
Yes, in the kitchen, like you said.
That man is raising money
- for vegan reptile rescue hotels. - What?
That man you just entered into a verbal agreement with... Uh-huh.
is not Rory McIntosh.
That man represents
a charity pairing endangered reptiles
with rehabilitative
housing centers for the disenfranchised.
I've just agreed to sponsor
a lounge of imperiled lizards?
Yes, and here is our first
displaced dragon.
There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll be giving her a home
and a new lease on life.
- Oh. Here, Francey. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, legally, I can't. Yeah.
Hmm.
Wait a minute.
Aye, there's the data you wanted.
So, who's our wee pesky hacker?
That we are trying to locate only to help a client.
- Right. - Nexus21
is her "fakeroni" hacker name.
But her real name is...
Piper Harlow.
You know, I forgot how much I missed going down
the dark web rabbit hole.
Well, once you sign up with us,
we can make this a weekly ritual.
Taco Dark Web Rabbit Hole Tuesdays.
Yeah, I'll admit, the thought
of working with a fellow Scot-- that's tempting.
But Granger Zisk
has been pressing me pretty hard for my business.
And you should consider all of your options.
However, at Crest, Fold...
Eh, you're off your head if you go with Granger Zisk.
A bunch of boring old bampots, if you ask me.
You're off your head.
A funny man, huh?
Ah, get in here. - All right. - Okay.
That'll do it, Todd. That'll do.
This feels so good.
So, until we get your case straightened out
and you back into your apartment,
this is where you'll be living,
a-at no cost to you whatsoever.
And all you have to do is provide
some companionship
and light care
to some very troubled... reptiles.
How did you know I love iguanas?
Intuition.
I can't tell you how wonderful
you've all made me feel.
Like I'm really worth something.
Well, of course you are worth something, Leo.
And as soon as we figure out
the hacker behind this...
I found the lad. Uh, lassie.
I found the hacker.
Aye, it's Piper, me mates.
Uh, me scurvies.
Wh... It's Piper Harlow.
Why do you sound like an Australian Scottish pirate?
I've had a lot of tacos today.
Piper Harlow? Uh, Leo,
do you know any Piper Harlow?
Uh... I looked her up online.
Piper Harlow is currently serving a five-year sentence
at the Oregon State Correctional Facility,
where she has no computer access whatsoever.
But how could she have possibly paper-killed Leo
from inside of a prison cell?
Aye, it is
a wee bit of a head-scratcher.
Hello, Piper.
Who the hell are you?
Are you Greg from my Prison Pen Pals ad?
'Cause I'm not sure I want to get married anymore.
Ha, ha. No.
Listen, I want to hire you to do a little job for me.
Well, um, I'm in prison, idiot.
Yeah, but word on the street is
even on the inside, you know how to kill people
on paper.
Like you did to Leo Hart?
Never heard of the guy.
Really?
Because we traced your digital footprint.
You mean "fingerprint," dummy.
Cops don't dust
for footprints.
- Look, I got to go. - Wait, wait, hold on. No.
I will drop 100 bucks into your commissary account
if you answer just one more question.
Make it two.
Two questions for $100? Fantastic.
$200.
Right. Yeah, that makes more sense.
Okay. Deal. Tell me,
in order to gain backdoor access on the dark web,
did you use triple encryption or static malware?
Static malware.
Perfect.
Because I made that one up.
Doesn't exist, which you would know
if you were a hardened, criminal computer hacker,
but you're not.
And something tells me you're also not Piper Harlow.
I am Piper Harlow.
I'm telling you,
this rando woman has totally somehow swapped places
with Piper in prison.
Are you suggesting that the real Piper has paid
this other woman to serve her time?
Mm-hmm.
That is a mind-boggling supposition
that would require a next-to-impossible network
of crooked contacts inside the penal system.
Ooh, I don't like you saying "penal."
Speaking of sensitive people,
I hope that Susan was able to land Rory McIntosh,
whom I did not have the pleasure of meeting, as a client.
That would put us in the black,
for a few weeks, anyway.
I don't know, I heard McIntosh really hit it off
- with Merritt Folding. - Folding?
The little worm.
But he is still leaning
towards Granger Zisk.
Those vultures. Again.
You see, I'm not sure that Susan has the experience
to close a deal of this size.
So step in. Give her some guidance.
Lead the cows into the barn,
o-or tuck the monkeys into their little monkey bed,
or-or harpoon the whales into the, um...
Or you sh... You can gi...
You know, so they could swim, 'cause... Mm-hmm.
You should probably stop while you're behind.
We should save the whales.
Anyway, Susan does not want my advice
or my help or anything.
In fact, lately, she's been a pain in my butt.
However, maybe...
may... maybe you could suggest to her
that she give this client Rory, uh, an extravagant gift basket.
- Yes, yes, yes! - Mm.
- Text this to her right now. - Right now?
Uh, full of Scottish comfort food,
like haggis and biskies
Biskies?and-and luxury items and, oh,
and a little card that reads,
"At C.F. and W,
you'll always be at home."
Text that to her right now.
I am texting as fast as I can, ma'am.
- Sorry I'm late. - Oh.
No problem, dear. Uh, the food is still warm.
And I see that you've had your
roots done.
Yeah, I did them myself.
Oh. And they look...
great?
Well, I am just thrilled
that you've made it here at all.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
I just know that you worked overnight shift
and you're clearly very tired,
and... but you showed up here... I'm not very tired, I'm...
I dressed up for you.
- I put on this nice scarf. - Well, you dressed up
your neck. - The rest is just gross. - It doesn't matter
what I wear, you're always gonna criticize...
Allison, I'm happy you're here.
I don't want to fight.
I just want to feed you.
Okay.
And...
if you would like to invite your new friend
for dinner sometime... Oh, boy.
- My new friend? - The one
without the pants. He seems very charming.
Charming. Okay.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay.
Now he seems charming.
When you met him, he was disappointing.
Like, I was disappointing.
But now he's charming.
Maybe I'll marry him, have his babies.
Okay. - You do what you need to do. - Yeah. Yeah.
I think I need to be Mrs. Dick Franks.
I think I need a second husband
who's had 17 heart attacks
and what he's described as an open
psychosexual relationship with my aunt.
Todd, would you like some wine?
No, I'd actually like to die.
- Mm-hmm. - Mm.
Why aren't you saying anything?
Why aren't you criticizing me?
Allison.
If I say something, you're angry.
If I don't say something, you're angry.
I think you want to fight.
I think you need to fight. To be mad at me.
To be mad at everything.
To-to blow your life up.
And you've asked me not to control you. So,
if you need to have a gigantic meltdown,
I'm going to let you have a gigantic meltdown.
Okay, that's fair.
I am, yeah, admittedly,
presenting a challenging situation.
I-I want guardrails, but I don't.
And... I just feel like everything is in flux right now.
And I feel like I'm, like, hiding from myself
inside my own life.
Hiding...
- From herself. - What if Piper Harlow...
Is hiding from her life
- inside her life. - Okay, sorry, I was sort of in the middle
- of a big moment there. - There's another person pretending to be her...
Right, so what's stopping
the real Piper Harlow from...
- Hiding in plain sight. - Okay, I'm glad my
personal crisis is secondary to...
In the safest, most comfortable
place possible.
- Okay. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. - What is her address?
I'm glad that my problems could help you
crack the case. Okay. I'll see you.
Did you... Let me get her address. No, no, I have it.
- ask Lyle? But he might. - No, Lyle doesn't have it. I...
- Lyle does have it. - I'll be in the bath. If you care. If you're listening. Okay.
He's been... All right, I'll text him.
This is it? This is Piper's house?
- Mm. - Hiding in her own home.
It seems absurd, but... Look at all those
blackout shades. She is in there,
hiding from the whole world.
I know it. Now we just need to get her
to open the door and talk to us
and tell the truth... Go lie down in that yard and play dead.
What? Are you serious?
First you're burying me alive
- and now I'm playing dead? - I have an idea.
And no one's going to open that door for nothing.
You go lie down and play dead.
- This is a $1,000 suit. - This is a $12 jacket!
Wh...
What are you doing?
I am going to lie down
and play dead and you're going to ring
that doorbell and ask for help.
Okay. Fine, fine.
What are you doing spending $1,000 on a suit?
I mean, with that kind of money I could've bought, like...
83.3 jackets. Now go! Ring the bell.
Okay. That's very fast math.
Help! Help!
Call 911! Somebody help!
- Help, help! - I know CPR.
- I can help. - No, no!
Don't, don't! Just go away!
Let her die.
Aah! Aah!
Stop! Go, go, go. Exercise.
Oh, my God. Uh, can we use your phone
or-or your hose? Or, uh, do you have a defibrillator?
Hey! What's going on?
Hi, can I help you?
Piper Harlow.
Aren't you supposed to be in prison?
- We have some questions. - You've got the wrong person.
Oh, please. We know all about your little prison-swap scam.
You're a home-hiding hacker,
and now it's time to pay the piper, Piper.
You've been waiting to say - that for days, haven't you? - Yes.
Okay, look, we represent Leo Hart.
I represent-- I am the lawyer--
Leo Hart, whom you have gone to great lengths
to have declared dead.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Ah, maybe you'd rather talk to the cops
about skipping out on your sentence?
Oaky. Okay, look, it wasn't personal.
I was hired to do it.
Hired by whom?
Ethan Zillow.
What? Seriously? Another person?
When does this daisy chain of suspects end?
I met Ethan online, and he...
he said he wanted Leo wiped off the face of the earth, so I...
You had him killed for a price.
Okay, one last thing, or we're turning you into the cops.
I don't mean magically transforming you
into the police, I mean... You get it.
How'd you pull off your little inmate switcheroo?
There's a crooked corrections deputy
who handles prison transfers.
She does this for a price,
and I paid that other woman to serve my sentence.
A corrections deputy at the Multnomah County Jail?
Oh, Todd, let's go find that Effrum Ziblow.
Wh... Ethan Zillow.
What are you...
These are
all of the Ethan Zillows we could find
in the state of Oregon.
According to Piper,
she was paid by one of these three men to kill you.
Do any of them look familiar?
Uh...
no.
Does the name Ethan Zillow ring a bell?
No, but...
but I used to know someone named Sofie Zillow.
Sofie.
And-and who was she to you?
She was my girlfriend.
Almost 18 years ago, back when I was still drinking.
She, uh, put up with me for about two years
- before she left. - And you haven't stayed in touch?
No, not at all.
Do you think she had something to do with this?
I wasn't gonna show you this,
because I thought that he was too young to be a suspect,
but this is
Ethan Zillow, Sofie's son.
Son?
Mm.
How old is he?
Sixteen.
All right, well, good morning.
I'm Margaret Wright, and, Sofie,
thank you for agreeing to meet with us on such short notice.
On the phone, you said
- felony, jail time. - Mm-hmm.
Your son Ethan paid $5,000
from his Venmo account to a computer hacker
to have my client, Leo, legally declared dead.
What? H-How would he even know how to do something like that?
He's 16. This is how you drag me back into your life
after all this time, and you blame him.
I just want to know why.
You always said we were dead to him.
And that's why he was never around, that he didn't care.
You have to work two crappy jobs
and do everything by yourself because of him.
He treats us like we don't exist, so I...
I used the money that I saved up, and I...
And you went online,
found a hacker who could make it
so that Leo doesn't exist.
Why now?
I'm 16.
All of my friends are getting their driver's licenses
and Stuart and Eric
are rebuilding old cars with their dads, and...
...I don't get to do anything.
I never even knew about you.
Yeah, right.
Mom had always said that... I lied.
I was trying to protect you.
I thought it was best if you... LEO: No, your mom
did the right thing by lying to you.
I was in no shape to be anyone's dad back then.
Ethan.
You're a juvenile.
And, Leo, if you choose not to press charges,
then...
I think we can keep him out of trouble.
You know, I happen to be a mechanic.
What kind of cars do you like?
And with your son Ethan's confession,
we should have no problem clearing everything up
in probate court and reversing your death.
I don't know how I can ever repay you
for all the things you've done.
Oh, no need.
We were happy to do this for you.
Thank you, Margaret.
- Of course. - Thank you.
May... It okay? Yeah? All right.[laughs]: Oh, yeah, okay.
- Of course. - Oh, thank you.
You brought me back to life.
Well...
I'm having a little God complex.
Trust the product.
The clients will come.
What did you make me do?
Uh, not sure what you're referring to.
- Sorry, could you take a number? - I was
altered on dentist gas and you took advantage of me.
Is that what the kids are calling it now-- dentist gas?
I don't remember anything. What happened?
Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing but going on the dark web
and lying to some people and signing some papers.
- What papers? - It's nothing,
you just signed over lead detective to me
and cosigned a car loan
and made me your legal guardian, but it's nothing.
You know, this is gonna sound crazy,
but I was thinking about Piper
and her little inmate switcheroo,
and I looked into it.
And you know who was in the same jail
and transferred to the same
prison and processed by the same corrections deputy?
Who?
Veronica.
You don't think...
Oh, hi.
I'm actually going down. The elevator just
randomly took me to that empty floor upstairs.
So, how are things progressing with Rory McIntosh?
He's signing with us.
- Oh. - I am on my way to meet Peter to celebrate.
- Hey, that's great. - Congratulations.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Rory said he almost went with Granger Zisk,
but he loved
Todd's idea of
the Taste Of Scotland gift basket I sent.
He said the personal touch really convinced him that
I would go the extra mile for a client.
Hey, you know, that idea
was actually brilliant.
Yeah.
Yeah, totally brilliant.
Captioning sponsored by CBS
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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org