1
00:00:08,166 --> 00:00:09,166
[vehicle door opens]
2
00:00:10,666 --> 00:00:15,416
[Hussein]
♪ Have you ever been somewhere new? ♪
3
00:00:17,416 --> 00:00:22,833
♪ Where the people
They don't recognize you ♪
4
00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:29,665
♪ They don't recognize your degree ♪
5
00:00:29,666 --> 00:00:33,749
♪ They say I've got to go back to school ♪
6
00:00:33,750 --> 00:00:37,415
♪ They make me feel like a fool ♪
7
00:00:37,416 --> 00:00:40,832
♪ Like where I'm from doesn't count ♪
8
00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,416
♪ And all I have now ♪
9
00:00:44,666 --> 00:00:47,082
♪ Is I get money for the meat ♪
10
00:00:47,083 --> 00:00:50,499
♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
11
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,790
♪ 'Cause my baby's got to eat ♪
12
00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:56,457
♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
13
00:00:56,458 --> 00:00:57,957
♪ Money for the meat ♪
14
00:00:57,958 --> 00:00:59,707
♪ 'Cause my baby's got to eat ♪
15
00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:01,957
♪ I get money for the meat ♪
16
00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:05,290
{\an8}♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
17
00:01:05,291 --> 00:01:07,374
{\an8}♪ I sell meat on the street ♪
18
00:01:07,375 --> 00:01:11,124
{\an8}♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
19
00:01:11,125 --> 00:01:12,708
{\an8}♪ Money for the... ♪
20
00:01:13,791 --> 00:01:15,415
♪ You can't beat my meat ♪
21
00:01:15,416 --> 00:01:17,500
{\an8}[harmonica playing]
22
00:01:43,708 --> 00:01:45,708
♪ Money for the meat ♪
23
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:51,041
{\an8}♪ I've got white sauce on my feet ♪
24
00:01:51,541 --> 00:01:54,749
{\an8}♪ And sometimes, oh, the people ♪
25
00:01:54,750 --> 00:01:56,916
{\an8}♪ They don't even eat ♪
26
00:01:57,833 --> 00:02:00,832
♪ I sold a platter the other day
To this guy ♪
27
00:02:00,833 --> 00:02:02,499
♪ He didn't finish it ♪
28
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,249
♪ He left it on the side ♪
29
00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:07,750
♪ And all the birds
Started to pick at it ♪
30
00:02:08,583 --> 00:02:13,208
♪ And now I've got a bird problem ♪
31
00:02:42,166 --> 00:02:45,665
♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
32
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,750
♪ Money for the meat ♪
33
00:02:48,333 --> 00:02:50,750
♪ 'Cause my baby's got to eat ♪
34
00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:56,166
I need help getting rid of these birds.
35
00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:02,874
[TV show theme playing]
36
00:03:02,875 --> 00:03:06,290
[announcer] Welcome to another episode
of The Good Ones!
37
00:03:06,291 --> 00:03:08,957
{\an8}The only show where minorities say
38
00:03:08,958 --> 00:03:12,040
{\an8}the things the majority of us
want them to say.
39
00:03:12,041 --> 00:03:15,332
{\an8}This week we have Urban Donald.
40
00:03:15,333 --> 00:03:19,624
{\an8}Slavery shmavery,
Black-on-Black crime is the real chains!
41
00:03:19,625 --> 00:03:21,290
{\an8}[announcer] Asian Steve.
42
00:03:21,291 --> 00:03:24,540
{\an8}I'm Korean, but you can call me Chinese.
43
00:03:24,541 --> 00:03:26,499
{\an8}[announcer] Stay-at-home Stacy.
44
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:29,124
{\an8}When I'm on my period,
the last thing I can think about
45
00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,749
{\an8}is being president.
46
00:03:30,750 --> 00:03:33,374
{\an8}[announcer] And our new Muslim good one.
47
00:03:33,375 --> 00:03:36,915
{\an8}Say, "Lalalalala," Halal Harry.
48
00:03:36,916 --> 00:03:41,374
{\an8}Islam is for... dumb-dumbs!
49
00:03:41,375 --> 00:03:44,541
{\an8}- [cheering] USA! USA!
- Very dumb people.
50
00:03:46,416 --> 00:03:50,332
[singing] ♪ His name is Halal Harry
And that is my name now ♪
51
00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:54,749
♪ Bringing home the money for my honey
Dadadada, duh, duh ♪
52
00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:57,832
{\an8}Here comes the money! [chuckles]
53
00:03:57,833 --> 00:04:00,790
{\an8}Money, money... money?
54
00:04:00,791 --> 00:04:02,457
{\an8}- [wind whistling]
- [horse whinnies]
55
00:04:02,458 --> 00:04:03,874
{\an8}Where is everybody?
56
00:04:03,875 --> 00:04:05,290
I'm so sorry, Hussein.
57
00:04:05,291 --> 00:04:06,665
But I... I thought--
58
00:04:06,666 --> 00:04:08,999
Your fist appearance on The Good Ones
would make you famous
59
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,874
and bring you tons of business
to your Kosher Halal cart?
60
00:04:11,875 --> 00:04:14,290
Nah, dog. People still fear foreign meat.
61
00:04:14,291 --> 00:04:18,832
[chuckles] At least we're making tons of
cash for being on the television! Right?
62
00:04:18,833 --> 00:04:20,749
Ha! They've never paid any of us!
63
00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:23,207
{\an8}They told me I'd get
kickbacks from Big Ketchup
64
00:04:23,208 --> 00:04:26,707
{\an8}if I promoted ketchup on every episode.
Nothing yet though.
65
00:04:26,708 --> 00:04:28,832
So why are we doing this?
66
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:31,040
Minorities who find success in America
67
00:04:31,041 --> 00:04:33,624
were usually at the top
of their cousin leaderboards.
68
00:04:33,625 --> 00:04:35,749
We were all at the bottom of ours.
69
00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:37,749
You have cousin leaderboards too?
70
00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:39,374
All non-white families do.
71
00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:41,540
We need to create fake power structures
72
00:04:41,541 --> 00:04:44,582
in a society that denies us
access to its real ones.
73
00:04:44,583 --> 00:04:46,749
Being a woman is kind of like being Black.
74
00:04:46,750 --> 00:04:48,957
- I don't think it is.
- I keep telling you, you're not Black.
75
00:04:48,958 --> 00:04:52,415
Me and my brother were both
the lowest in our cousin leaderboard,
76
00:04:52,416 --> 00:04:53,790
and look at us now.
77
00:04:53,791 --> 00:04:55,790
You have a halal cart. Where's he?
78
00:04:55,791 --> 00:04:58,290
Federal penitentiary.
79
00:04:58,291 --> 00:05:01,707
Jesus Christ Allah. My poor son.
80
00:05:01,708 --> 00:05:04,832
He is the worst cousin. Just like I was.
81
00:05:04,833 --> 00:05:06,082
You gotta do something about it
82
00:05:06,083 --> 00:05:08,582
and make sure your kid's
at the top of their cousin leaderboard.
83
00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:11,040
Otherwise, he'll be screwed like us.
84
00:05:11,041 --> 00:05:14,082
You're right. I need to find a way
to be a better father.
85
00:05:14,083 --> 00:05:17,624
I need to show my son the tough love.
86
00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:19,415
I will hate him until he is better.
87
00:05:19,416 --> 00:05:20,499
- Damn right.
- Yes!
88
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:21,415
Great plan.
89
00:05:21,416 --> 00:05:23,749
[mandolin strumming]
90
00:05:23,750 --> 00:05:26,165
[Mona] Man, Gina's house is so nice.
91
00:05:26,166 --> 00:05:28,165
I should've bought a present
before coming here.
92
00:05:28,166 --> 00:05:29,915
You seem nervous, habibi.
93
00:05:29,916 --> 00:05:33,707
Friendships can be difficult.
Difficult but beautiful.
94
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:34,999
This isn't a friendship.
95
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,749
Women have beautiful friendships.
96
00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:41,999
Sometimes they get confused
and mistake them for something else.
97
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,874
But one day you'll look back and say,
"Wow!" [chuckles]
98
00:05:44,875 --> 00:05:46,915
"That was a silly phase!
99
00:05:46,916 --> 00:05:49,832
Good thing I didn't tell anyone about it.
100
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:53,374
Especially my father." [laughs]
"It might kill him."
101
00:05:53,375 --> 00:05:55,124
It's not a phase! I'm a les--
102
00:05:55,125 --> 00:05:58,499
Okay! Yalla bina.
Let's go to the grocery store.
103
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:00,082
- No.
- No?
104
00:06:00,083 --> 00:06:01,540
Nope. We're going to the mall.
105
00:06:01,541 --> 00:06:03,749
Gina, who's more than a friend,
is upset with me.
106
00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:05,999
We're going to buy her nice,
expensive things.
107
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,374
And you're gonna pay for them,
or else I'll tell Dad that I'm a les--
108
00:06:08,375 --> 00:06:10,707
Okay, shut up! Shut up!
We'll get whatever you want.
109
00:06:10,708 --> 00:06:12,916
We'll just put it
on our Delta SkyMiles card.
110
00:06:13,708 --> 00:06:16,332
Ah, Lamby, you got me again.
Damn, you're good!
111
00:06:16,333 --> 00:06:20,124
Rumi, did you just lose to a lamb
at tic-tac-toe?
112
00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:21,957
Fuck! You are fucked!
113
00:06:21,958 --> 00:06:25,124
Look at this, you're still at the bottom
of the cousin leaderboard.
114
00:06:25,125 --> 00:06:26,999
The lamb is higher than you!
115
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,249
Yeah, but you said you'd love me
no matter what. Right?
116
00:06:29,250 --> 00:06:32,499
Wrong. Listen, Rumi.
There is time to save you,
117
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:36,957
so I have decided I need to be
tough on you for your own good.
118
00:06:36,958 --> 00:06:39,665
Do not be like me and your Uncle Ahmed.
119
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:42,999
He is in prison. And I in the halal cart...
120
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,249
the meat prison.
121
00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:46,040
But, Dad, you're so cool.
122
00:06:46,041 --> 00:06:47,958
Wrong! [grunts]
123
00:06:50,250 --> 00:06:51,541
Look!
124
00:06:53,916 --> 00:06:55,207
Who are all these people?
125
00:06:55,208 --> 00:06:58,582
This was my cousin leaderboard.
This is my family.
126
00:06:58,583 --> 00:07:01,915
The ones you don't know,
it's because they died.
127
00:07:01,916 --> 00:07:05,165
Many of them
from a moped accident in Cairo.
128
00:07:05,166 --> 00:07:06,874
Five of them died, four survived.
129
00:07:06,875 --> 00:07:09,832
There were nine on one moped.
130
00:07:09,833 --> 00:07:11,415
[in Arabic] This is your father.
131
00:07:11,416 --> 00:07:12,875
[in English] You're at the bottom too?
132
00:07:13,541 --> 00:07:14,957
But look here, Rumi.
133
00:07:14,958 --> 00:07:17,957
Even some of the dead cousins
are ahead of me.
134
00:07:17,958 --> 00:07:19,499
I didn't do good enough.
135
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:23,207
And now I need to motivate you
to be better than me.
136
00:07:23,208 --> 00:07:27,082
If you aren't on the top cousin of
the board, I will stop loving you.
137
00:07:27,083 --> 00:07:29,333
I'm sorry, but this is for your own good.
138
00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:32,499
Hi, baba! I'm gonna go upstairs
with all my new stuff.
139
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:34,832
Yes, Rumi. You go upstairs too. Study.
140
00:07:34,833 --> 00:07:38,665
I want to see you beat the lamb
at tic-tac-toe, or no love.
141
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,582
Hussein. Very important.
142
00:07:40,583 --> 00:07:43,665
Do you know when the money
will start coming in? From the show?
143
00:07:43,666 --> 00:07:45,957
Money? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Soon, soon.
144
00:07:45,958 --> 00:07:47,541
[doorbell rings]
145
00:07:48,875 --> 00:07:50,458
[glitching sound]
146
00:07:51,958 --> 00:07:54,290
- Hello, brother.
- Do you mind if I come in?
147
00:07:54,291 --> 00:07:57,665
If you come inside? Of course.
148
00:07:57,666 --> 00:08:01,082
Our house is very clean and organized.
149
00:08:01,083 --> 00:08:03,915
Please, keep on your shoes.
150
00:08:03,916 --> 00:08:07,374
Wow. Thanks, brother. I've always
wondered what it looked like in here.
151
00:08:07,375 --> 00:08:09,415
I've thought about
the inside of this house a lot.
152
00:08:09,416 --> 00:08:12,790
I almost wish I could put a camera in here
and watch you all the time.
153
00:08:12,791 --> 00:08:15,415
Wow! Thank you, brother. I love you?
154
00:08:15,416 --> 00:08:18,624
I wanted to come by
and personally deliver this fruit bowl.
155
00:08:18,625 --> 00:08:21,874
As a congratulations,
but also as a condolence.
156
00:08:21,875 --> 00:08:25,082
Congratulations for my television success,
157
00:08:25,083 --> 00:08:27,915
yet condolences for my very dumb son.
158
00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:31,665
No, not your son. Your brother.
Uncle Ahmed's about to make history.
159
00:08:31,666 --> 00:08:33,457
He's going to be the inaugural prisoner
160
00:08:33,458 --> 00:08:36,582
at a new, special place
we're calling Guantánamo Bay.
161
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:40,624
Wow. Guantánamo Bay.
The bay sounds very beautiful.
162
00:08:40,625 --> 00:08:42,999
Unless it's Bay of Pigs. Very haram.
163
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:47,124
Yeah. Uncle Ahmed's body will be used
as an offering of sorts.
164
00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:49,540
He'll be a pioneer for methods of torture
165
00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:52,540
America has been dreaming about
since the Spanish-American war.
166
00:08:52,541 --> 00:08:54,249
It's beautiful, but it's sad.
167
00:08:54,250 --> 00:08:57,749
That's why I put kiwis in this bowl.
They're a sadder fruit.
168
00:08:57,750 --> 00:09:00,165
I picked a range of sad to happy fruits.
169
00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:02,415
I put mango because he's making history.
170
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:04,957
I don't understand the mango.
171
00:09:04,958 --> 00:09:07,582
I get that.
That's why I put in extra figs.
172
00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:10,625
You're never gonna see
your brother again, Hosni. Condolences.
173
00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:14,749
Condolences. Condolences.
174
00:09:14,750 --> 00:09:17,582
[glitching] Condoleezza Rice.
175
00:09:17,583 --> 00:09:23,665
Hamburger. Wayne Brady Burger.
USA. Jesus Christ. Hot dog.
176
00:09:23,666 --> 00:09:26,499
Hussein, your face! What is happening?
177
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,874
I've seen this before.
It's a code switch overload.
178
00:09:28,875 --> 00:09:30,124
We've got to save Uncle Ahmed.
179
00:09:30,125 --> 00:09:33,415
How? What are we going to do?
Call the President?
180
00:09:33,416 --> 00:09:35,458
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
181
00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:42,832
{\an8}We need to talk right now, Geo.
Call me. Important.
182
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:43,916
[computer chimes]
183
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,999
{\an8}- [computer chimes]
- [phone ringing]
184
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,583
Really? Whoa!
185
00:09:50,625 --> 00:09:52,124
Hello. Hussein residence.
186
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,457
[on phone] Rumi, guess who. It's Geo.
187
00:09:54,458 --> 00:09:58,624
Geo? Like Geo-rge W. Bush?
188
00:09:58,625 --> 00:10:00,665
You freaking know it there, kemosabe!
189
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:04,290
It's actually you? Fuck!
I didn't think that would work.
190
00:10:04,291 --> 00:10:07,082
You told me to call.
The President is here to serve.
191
00:10:07,083 --> 00:10:10,374
Yes, I did, because I need
to talk to you about my uncle.
192
00:10:10,375 --> 00:10:13,290
- Ah, don't get me started on family.
- [horse whinnies]
193
00:10:13,291 --> 00:10:15,458
I got family in town.
Driving me freakin' nuts!
194
00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:17,749
- [Barbara cackles]
- You ever feel that way?
195
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,374
Yeah, I do feel that way.
196
00:10:19,375 --> 00:10:22,124
You know, my family,
it feels like they all just hate me.
197
00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:25,624
And they call me "weak,"
but they raised me. Like, I'm their fault.
198
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,207
And now, my one uncle who really loves me,
199
00:10:28,208 --> 00:10:30,457
he's going to a place
called Guantánamo Bay,
200
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:31,832
and I'm never gonna see him again.
201
00:10:31,833 --> 00:10:35,332
Ah, man. [chuckles] Guantánamo.
202
00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:36,999
I'ma keep it real with you, Rumi.
203
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,040
That's all Cheney and Big Rumi.
204
00:10:39,041 --> 00:10:40,624
- Big Rumi?
- Rumsfeld.
205
00:10:40,625 --> 00:10:42,124
Big time A-1 prick.
206
00:10:42,125 --> 00:10:44,165
It can't just be them.
You're the President!
207
00:10:44,166 --> 00:10:47,582
There has to be something you could do.
I thought we were friends.
208
00:10:47,583 --> 00:10:50,415
Why don't we just talk about this
mano a mano?
209
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:53,749
I don't know what that means. I don't
really pay attention in Spanish class.
210
00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:56,999
En persona, amigo.
I gotta get away from my family.
211
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,082
Can I crash at your place?
I'll be right over.
212
00:10:59,083 --> 00:11:01,166
- What?
- [line clicks, beeps]
213
00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:12,250
[aircraft approaching]
214
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:18,666
Helicopters? Guards in
a U-shaped protective formation?
215
00:11:20,083 --> 00:11:23,332
- Holy shit! The President's here!
- [glitching sound]
216
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:25,040
- President's favorite pajamas?
- Check.
217
00:11:25,041 --> 00:11:26,625
- Pet horse, Daniel?
- Check.
218
00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:29,416
- [doorbell rings]
- [glitching sound]
219
00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:32,040
Howdy, Mrs. Rumi. Is Rumi here?
220
00:11:32,041 --> 00:11:34,790
Hussein, what would you do if I told you
221
00:11:34,791 --> 00:11:37,415
the President of the United States
was at our door?
222
00:11:37,416 --> 00:11:38,999
I would tell him to go fuck himself!
223
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,499
And this entire fucking country
for what they have done to my brother.
224
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,582
Okay, well, here he is.
Go ahead, tell him.
225
00:11:45,583 --> 00:11:46,665
- Shit!
- [glitching sound]
226
00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:49,457
Jesus Christ. Hot dog.
227
00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:51,999
Geo, how'd you get here so fast?
228
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,082
Three words. Transporters.
229
00:11:54,083 --> 00:11:56,124
Whoa! Transporters are real?
230
00:11:56,125 --> 00:11:58,540
Nah. Rumi, that's just in the movies.
[makes clicking sound]
231
00:11:58,541 --> 00:11:59,999
Click-click means yes.
232
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,291
Hey, Husseins,
mind if I bring in a few things?
233
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,582
I might be staying a little while.
234
00:12:04,583 --> 00:12:07,665
Rumi, how many times have I told you?
235
00:12:07,666 --> 00:12:10,082
No sleepover with friend,
236
00:12:10,083 --> 00:12:12,624
or with 43rd President of USA.
237
00:12:12,625 --> 00:12:15,707
I know. I'm sorry, Dad.
I was just trying to help Uncle Ahmed.
238
00:12:15,708 --> 00:12:18,583
I didn't know he would actually
come and try and sleep over.
239
00:12:20,208 --> 00:12:22,291
[vehicle doors slamming]
240
00:12:24,875 --> 00:12:25,957
[dog growls, whines]
241
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:29,833
Trailblazer at his sleepover.
I repeat, operation sleeping bag is a go.
242
00:12:31,875 --> 00:12:33,124
What do we do now?
243
00:12:33,125 --> 00:12:37,207
I'm going to go out there
and tell Mr. Geo he must free my brother,
244
00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:41,165
or else he will not be allowed
to sleep over.
245
00:12:41,166 --> 00:12:43,665
Yes. You show him whose house this is!
246
00:12:43,666 --> 00:12:46,832
Yes! It's our house!
And J.P. Morgan's house.
247
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:50,707
But fully our house in 19 years
at 6.95% financing.
248
00:12:50,708 --> 00:12:53,791
Exactly! It is basically our house.
249
00:12:54,666 --> 00:12:56,666
[moaning]
250
00:12:59,416 --> 00:13:03,665
Ah! Got me again!
Man, this lamb is good at tic-tac-toe!
251
00:13:03,666 --> 00:13:06,165
- You teach it?
- No. She's a natural talent.
252
00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:09,040
Can we please stop playing
and just talk about my uncle?
253
00:13:09,041 --> 00:13:11,290
You know, I used to have
a horse named Daniel.
254
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,874
He used to do math.
He did all my homework.
255
00:13:13,875 --> 00:13:14,999
Got me into Yale!
256
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:19,040
Mr. President, we received a fruit bowl
from your government.
257
00:13:19,041 --> 00:13:21,332
Ah, yeah, Hussein. You got the figs.
258
00:13:21,333 --> 00:13:23,957
You ever tried a fig newton?
Hell of a cookie!
259
00:13:23,958 --> 00:13:25,415
Sad but tasty.
260
00:13:25,416 --> 00:13:29,457
What is sad is Guantánamo Bay.
I don't want to talk about cookies.
261
00:13:29,458 --> 00:13:32,665
I understand your frustration.
I think I can help you.
262
00:13:32,666 --> 00:13:34,415
You will free my brother.
263
00:13:34,416 --> 00:13:38,374
I'll do you one better: I'll help
your halal cart make more money.
264
00:13:38,375 --> 00:13:41,624
But what about my...
I'm sorry, what did you say?
265
00:13:41,625 --> 00:13:42,624
Money?
266
00:13:42,625 --> 00:13:44,915
Y'all are real nice
for letting me stay here.
267
00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:47,082
My family's been driving me a little nuts.
268
00:13:47,083 --> 00:13:49,832
And since I can't help you
with this Gitmo thing,
269
00:13:49,833 --> 00:13:53,290
at least maybe I could help you get
more sales. [makes clicking sound]
270
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:58,332
Gitmo... Gitmo... get more sales.
271
00:13:58,333 --> 00:14:03,165
But-But my... my brother... But my sales.
272
00:14:03,166 --> 00:14:04,165
I love you?
273
00:14:04,166 --> 00:14:06,749
Let's talk strategy.
Hey, anybody got beers?
274
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:08,707
We do! Of course, brother!
275
00:14:08,708 --> 00:14:10,082
Hussein, what are you doing?
276
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,791
We love beer, brother!
277
00:14:14,458 --> 00:14:16,707
Damn! I was hoping
this would be a dry house
278
00:14:16,708 --> 00:14:19,665
on account of y'all being,
uh, Islamic and such,
279
00:14:19,666 --> 00:14:23,207
- but, uh, later sobriety.
- What an honor!
280
00:14:23,208 --> 00:14:26,665
The President is getting tipsy in my home!
281
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:30,207
- [chuckles] We love alcoholism!
- [burps]
282
00:14:30,208 --> 00:14:31,957
Oh my--
283
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:34,582
Stars and stripes!
You must be Mona Hussein!
284
00:14:34,583 --> 00:14:36,582
Hey, I'm a huge fan of your campaign.
285
00:14:36,583 --> 00:14:38,249
- What?
- Yeah. [chuckles]
286
00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:41,790
The discmans
and "as a Muslim woman." [laughing]
287
00:14:41,791 --> 00:14:44,540
Man, they ate that shit right up.
I was taking notes.
288
00:14:44,541 --> 00:14:46,624
Hell, everybody in Washington
was taking notes.
289
00:14:46,625 --> 00:14:47,665
I had no idea.
290
00:14:47,666 --> 00:14:50,040
Our lizard boy Teddy Cruz put us onto you!
291
00:14:50,041 --> 00:14:53,415
We watch everything.
Especially the new crop of leaders.
292
00:14:53,416 --> 00:14:57,582
Well, as a future leader, I'm here
to negotiate the release of my uncle,
293
00:14:57,583 --> 00:15:00,082
and I will not take "no" as an answer.
294
00:15:00,083 --> 00:15:02,749
Or how about I help you get into Harvard?
[makes clicking sound]
295
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:04,832
What? You would do that?
296
00:15:04,833 --> 00:15:08,415
Of course. I got a horse named Daniel
that will get you right in.
297
00:15:08,416 --> 00:15:11,124
I say that...
298
00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:15,082
that even if my uncle did get out,
rehabilitating him would be way too hard.
299
00:15:15,083 --> 00:15:17,415
So, I'm in! Thank you, Mr. President!
300
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,290
This slumber party rocks!
301
00:15:19,291 --> 00:15:21,290
Y'all ready to get fuckin' freaked out?
302
00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:23,582
- Yeah!
- No! We need to free my uncle!
303
00:15:23,583 --> 00:15:29,249
All right, spirit of Wild Bill,
come on, I give you entrance to my body.
304
00:15:29,250 --> 00:15:31,540
Get me that meeting with JFK.
305
00:15:31,541 --> 00:15:33,582
- [helicopter whirring]
- [chattering on radio]
306
00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:35,540
[sobbing]
307
00:15:35,541 --> 00:15:37,458
[clicking sound]
308
00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:40,665
[screams]
309
00:15:40,666 --> 00:15:45,249
Amazing! You're scared of me and not
the war criminal staying in your house?
310
00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:46,749
Wait, quick question:
311
00:15:46,750 --> 00:15:49,040
Are you more scared of me
or your daughter,
312
00:15:49,041 --> 00:15:52,332
who is blackmailing you
so she can be a disgusting lesbian?
313
00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:53,749
- [in Arabic] God forgive us.
- [in English] Go away!
314
00:15:53,750 --> 00:15:56,332
Why are you here?
315
00:15:56,333 --> 00:15:59,999
Well, I was in Cairo, but your
President's Ouija board summoned me.
316
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,249
I think he has a real one.
317
00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:03,915
You're body is in Cairo! Oh!
318
00:16:03,916 --> 00:16:05,790
[in Arabic] Thank God!
319
00:16:05,791 --> 00:16:09,457
[in English] They found it, but since
you maxed out the Delta SkyMiles card,
320
00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:11,957
they won't release it
until the debt is paid.
321
00:16:11,958 --> 00:16:15,165
It's in the fine print. You always
gotta read the fine print, yani.
322
00:16:15,166 --> 00:16:16,415
[in Arabic] The devil...
323
00:16:16,416 --> 00:16:17,832
[in English] ...is in the fine print.
324
00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:21,457
{\an8}[announcer] Tonight we have
a very special segment.
325
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:25,249
{\an8}Who deserves to be behind the wheel less?
326
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:28,582
{\an8}We'll join Asian Steve
and Stay-at-home Stacy
327
00:16:28,583 --> 00:16:31,124
{\an8}- at the races.
- That was a fun one.
328
00:16:31,125 --> 00:16:35,166
{\an8}We'll see the results. But first,
a word from our President.
329
00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:37,707
{\an8}Hey! Huge fan of the program.
330
00:16:37,708 --> 00:16:40,790
{\an8}I'm a big fan, though,
of this new guy in particular.
331
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,707
{\an8}Halal Harry, right?
332
00:16:42,708 --> 00:16:46,124
{\an8}Wow! Thank you, George W. Bush.
333
00:16:46,125 --> 00:16:50,540
{\an8}Don't forget the W.
That is the best Bush of all the Bushes.
334
00:16:50,541 --> 00:16:51,624
{\an8}King Bush.
335
00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:53,707
{\an8}Well, thank you.
You didn't need to say all that.
336
00:16:53,708 --> 00:16:55,874
{\an8}But, you know what, at the same time,
you did need to say that.
337
00:16:55,875 --> 00:16:57,624
{\an8}What I'm really here to say
338
00:16:57,625 --> 00:17:00,415
{\an8}is check out Halal Harry's
Kosher Hot Dog cart
339
00:17:00,416 --> 00:17:03,874
{\an8}outside of the Fox News building
right here in New York City.
340
00:17:03,875 --> 00:17:05,040
{\an8}Best meat on the street!
341
00:17:05,041 --> 00:17:09,207
{\an8}Wow! I love you. And I love America!
342
00:17:09,208 --> 00:17:11,707
{\an8}- [cheering]
- And I love ketchup!
343
00:17:11,708 --> 00:17:16,707
{\an8}[chanting] Halal, halal, halal.
344
00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:20,165
[Asian Steve] How about that line
around Halal Harry's cart? Wow!
345
00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:21,874
{\an8}His sales are exploding!
346
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:25,665
{\an8}About time we got a good kind of explosion
from these people, right? [laughing]
347
00:17:25,666 --> 00:17:28,874
{\an8}That's right. Although, you know
what's worse than terrorism?
348
00:17:28,875 --> 00:17:32,332
{\an8}- Say it with me.
- [all chanting] Black-on-Black crime.
349
00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:33,832
This country has ruined us.
350
00:17:33,833 --> 00:17:35,874
[Teta in Arabic]
I told you not to marry him.
351
00:17:35,875 --> 00:17:36,790
[in English] I know!
352
00:17:36,791 --> 00:17:39,124
[in Arabic]
Your father and I fought a lot,
353
00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:42,207
but there was always
one thing we agreed on.
354
00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:44,540
We detested imperialism
355
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:49,207
and could smell a colonialist rat
from kilometers away.
356
00:17:49,208 --> 00:17:52,874
I can smell one now. In our house.
357
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:56,624
[in English] Yeah. The President of the
United States is still in our living room.
358
00:17:56,625 --> 00:17:58,290
It is why we are watching TV in the car.
359
00:17:58,291 --> 00:18:00,374
[in Arabic] Do you have a weapon
to chase him away with?
360
00:18:00,375 --> 00:18:02,457
{\an8}[in English] A weapon?
Look how much Secret Service there is.
361
00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:05,790
{\an8}They took away my meat tenderizer.
It is too much!
362
00:18:05,791 --> 00:18:07,374
[in Arabic] It really is.
363
00:18:07,375 --> 00:18:08,957
If you're not going to do anything...
364
00:18:08,958 --> 00:18:10,541
Let me be alone with my shame.
365
00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:16,958
[sighs] No. No more.
366
00:18:18,250 --> 00:18:20,749
Hey! You guys wanna make s'mores?
367
00:18:20,750 --> 00:18:23,165
Oh, no, you don't. Not on my carpet!
368
00:18:23,166 --> 00:18:25,457
[laughing] Sharia, please.
369
00:18:25,458 --> 00:18:27,790
No more "Sharia, please."
370
00:18:27,791 --> 00:18:31,165
Sharia doesn't please anyone!
371
00:18:31,166 --> 00:18:35,374
- Is this about me?
- Yes! Of course! You are the white devil!
372
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:38,582
You have always been around
in some form or another,
373
00:18:38,583 --> 00:18:42,832
dangling a carrot of money and acceptance
in front of us!
374
00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:47,415
[gasps] You will not talk to
George W. Bush like that in my house!
375
00:18:47,416 --> 00:18:50,082
- He's helping us so much.
- He's a politician.
376
00:18:50,083 --> 00:18:53,624
There's no way he's just an innocent man
who wants to help our family.
377
00:18:53,625 --> 00:18:56,624
No, that's fine. I get it.
Is there anything I can do?
378
00:18:56,625 --> 00:18:59,624
Oh-ho-ho, don't you try
to work your charms on me!
379
00:18:59,625 --> 00:19:03,707
Okay, 'cause I was thinking, you know,
with your Delta SkyMiles card,
380
00:19:03,708 --> 00:19:06,915
I could clear all that debt as a way
of saying thank you. [clicking sound]
381
00:19:06,916 --> 00:19:09,374
What? SkyMiles? We have SkyDebt?
382
00:19:09,375 --> 00:19:12,832
No! We don't need
any more "favors" from you.
383
00:19:12,833 --> 00:19:14,749
- [clicking sound] Too late.
- What do you mean too late?
384
00:19:14,750 --> 00:19:16,540
I just cleared your debt.
385
00:19:16,541 --> 00:19:18,624
Any time I say something
and go click-click,
386
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:19,999
it gets done. [clicking sound]
387
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,540
It's connected to a series of wires
388
00:19:22,541 --> 00:19:25,665
that go through our country's database
and executes everything I say.
389
00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:26,582
Cheney installed it.
390
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,749
- Say... [in Arabic] ...I swear to God.
- Wallahi.
391
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,540
[in English] Go ahead, call your bank.
392
00:19:30,541 --> 00:19:32,957
Sharia, you don't need to call. It worked.
393
00:19:32,958 --> 00:19:36,165
Delta has been paid. Now I can be buried.
394
00:19:36,166 --> 00:19:38,207
Alhamdulilah, a proper Islamic burial.
395
00:19:38,208 --> 00:19:40,415
It's true! We have no more debt.
396
00:19:40,416 --> 00:19:43,124
It works! Click-click works!
397
00:19:43,125 --> 00:19:45,874
Give Hussein a full head of hair.
Click-click-click.
398
00:19:45,875 --> 00:19:48,374
Sorry there, amigo.
It doesn't work that way.
399
00:19:48,375 --> 00:19:49,457
Cheney tried.
400
00:19:49,458 --> 00:19:54,082
[coughing] This means
I'll stop haunting you, finally.
401
00:19:54,083 --> 00:19:58,082
Sharia, seeing you stand up
to that monster was amazing.
402
00:19:58,083 --> 00:20:01,915
It reminded me of your mother,
mashallah, when I first met her.
403
00:20:01,916 --> 00:20:02,999
It makes me wonder,
404
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:07,916
maybe something about the way I
treated her killed that part of her soul.
405
00:20:08,583 --> 00:20:09,582
Oh, well! Off to heaven!
406
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,125
[angelic vocalizing]
407
00:20:11,708 --> 00:20:15,207
Oh, sorry. I was just talking
to my deceased father.
408
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:17,916
Goddamn, this Ouija board's legit!
409
00:20:18,916 --> 00:20:22,040
Look, Mr. President,
thank you for helping my dad's business
410
00:20:22,041 --> 00:20:23,874
and for clearing our SkyDebt.
411
00:20:23,875 --> 00:20:27,082
But none of that changes
what you're doing to my Uncle Ahmed.
412
00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:28,624
I still think you're an asshole.
413
00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:30,540
Well, that's 'cause
I haven't helped you yet, isn't it?
414
00:20:30,541 --> 00:20:32,165
You know, in true Muslim style,
415
00:20:32,166 --> 00:20:34,915
I'm gone genie mode
and I granted your family wishes.
416
00:20:34,916 --> 00:20:37,124
Your dad's halal truck,
your sister's school,
417
00:20:37,125 --> 00:20:38,874
your SkyMiles card.
418
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:41,582
Now the last wish.
That one, that's for you.
419
00:20:41,583 --> 00:20:43,832
- For me?
- Gotta give you a click-click.
420
00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:47,874
Fine. Get my Uncle Ahmed out.
Don't send him to Guantánamo Bay.
421
00:20:47,875 --> 00:20:50,665
Okay. Well, I could do that. I could.
422
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:54,165
Or, now hear me out, I could get
Ms. Malcolm to fall in love with you.
423
00:20:54,166 --> 00:20:57,249
Uh, what did you say would be possible?
424
00:20:57,250 --> 00:21:01,040
[Bush] I can get you a love
Vili Fualaau could only dream of.
425
00:21:01,041 --> 00:21:03,915
You can't make someone
fall in love with someone.
426
00:21:03,916 --> 00:21:05,624
That's impossible, right?
427
00:21:05,625 --> 00:21:09,457
Of course we can!
We are the United States government.
428
00:21:09,458 --> 00:21:12,457
How do you think this country fell in love
with Matt Damon? He ain't even that cute.
429
00:21:12,458 --> 00:21:15,040
But he did all that math
in Good Will Hunting.
430
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:18,582
It's all illusions, Rumi.
Matt Damon's not real.
431
00:21:18,583 --> 00:21:22,582
He's a series of projected lights
on an Abercrombie mannequin.
432
00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:24,874
- How you like them apples?
- Holy shit!
433
00:21:24,875 --> 00:21:28,999
Rumi, I can make
Ms. Malcolm fall in love with you.
434
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,290
Or I can free your uncle. Your choice.
435
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:32,415
Why can't it be both?
436
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:35,249
We only have resources for one.
437
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:39,749
It'll take a lot of brainwashing to make
Ms. Malcolm love you. A lot.
438
00:21:39,750 --> 00:21:42,290
You really are evil.
439
00:21:42,291 --> 00:21:45,832
You got a day to let me know
what you decide, capisce?
440
00:21:45,833 --> 00:21:48,749
All right, kemosabe? Now, good night.
441
00:21:48,750 --> 00:21:50,708
[snoring]
442
00:21:52,541 --> 00:21:54,999
[Ms. Malcolm, distorted]
We have such a good President.
443
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,374
He really cares about people.
444
00:21:57,375 --> 00:22:00,457
Especially our town. He's visiting it.
445
00:22:00,458 --> 00:22:02,749
Rumi can tell us about that, right?
446
00:22:02,750 --> 00:22:05,999
What does he like to eat in the morning?
Rumi? Rumi!
447
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,249
- [normal] Huh? What?
- I was asking about the President.
448
00:22:09,250 --> 00:22:12,457
You really haven't been focusing lately!
And normally I would be mad at you,
449
00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,999
but since you made the basketball team,
I'm super into you.
450
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,832
- Really? [chuckles]
- Yeah!
451
00:22:17,833 --> 00:22:19,874
Since the President's been
staying at your house,
452
00:22:19,875 --> 00:22:21,707
you have something different
going on with you.
453
00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:24,083
I don't know, just different energy.
454
00:22:24,708 --> 00:22:28,207
Dude, you gotta drop it.
Her ass is like the sun.
455
00:22:28,208 --> 00:22:30,457
You can stare, but it'll only hurt you.
456
00:22:30,458 --> 00:22:31,832
It's time to move on, bro.
457
00:22:31,833 --> 00:22:33,707
What if I told you guys
that it could happen?
458
00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:37,124
That I have a way,
but it's just very evil.
459
00:22:37,125 --> 00:22:39,374
Well, short of the government
brainwashing her into liking you,
460
00:22:39,375 --> 00:22:40,832
I don't see how it's possible.
461
00:22:40,833 --> 00:22:41,790
True Dat.
462
00:22:41,791 --> 00:22:43,207
But, man, if it did happen,
463
00:22:43,208 --> 00:22:45,457
you'd be the coolest kid
that ever went to this school.
464
00:22:45,458 --> 00:22:48,499
Yeah. And I'd finally find love.
465
00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:52,915
Okay, class. Today we have a guest speaker
from the Scared Straight Program.
466
00:22:52,916 --> 00:22:57,665
He was recently released
from prison on a Presidential Pardon.
467
00:22:57,666 --> 00:23:01,207
That's when the President says,
"That was naughty, but you can be free!"
468
00:23:01,208 --> 00:23:03,874
- Fuck yeah! America!
- That's right!
469
00:23:03,875 --> 00:23:08,040
Today's prisoner was actually
the cellmate of Uncle Ahmed,
470
00:23:08,041 --> 00:23:09,624
who's our very own Rumi's uncle.
471
00:23:09,625 --> 00:23:12,582
He initiated Uncle Ahmed
into his very first prison gang
472
00:23:12,583 --> 00:23:15,957
and trained him
in the art of prison defense.
473
00:23:15,958 --> 00:23:18,790
Class, go ahead and give it up for Spider!
474
00:23:18,791 --> 00:23:21,333
- [applause]
- Hey, good morning, everybody.
475
00:23:22,125 --> 00:23:27,457
Uh, I joined Scared Straight
to tell you kids what not to do
476
00:23:27,458 --> 00:23:29,624
so you don't end up like me.
477
00:23:29,625 --> 00:23:33,290
But the truth is prison is great!
478
00:23:33,291 --> 00:23:37,165
- Prison's great?
- Yeah, that's right. It's nice.
479
00:23:37,166 --> 00:23:40,374
You get to focus, you can read books.
480
00:23:40,375 --> 00:23:44,624
Do you know how hard it is to read a book
if you're not in prison?
481
00:23:44,625 --> 00:23:47,415
So you're saying my Uncle Ahmed
is having a good time there?
482
00:23:47,416 --> 00:23:50,124
Yeah! He likes it more than anyone!
483
00:23:50,125 --> 00:23:55,124
Your uncle is thriving.
He just finished reading Harry Potter.
484
00:23:55,125 --> 00:23:57,082
[laughing] He's such a Hufflepuff.
485
00:23:57,083 --> 00:23:59,582
Wow, it sounds like he loves it.
486
00:23:59,583 --> 00:24:02,375
And maybe I could get my love too.
487
00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:10,624
{\an8}Thanks, Geo.
488
00:24:10,625 --> 00:24:12,666
{\an8}You served your country well, Spider.
489
00:24:15,625 --> 00:24:16,458
[sighing] Okay.
490
00:24:17,958 --> 00:24:18,958
[doorbell rings]
491
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,790
Hey! Um, I'm sorry.
492
00:24:22,791 --> 00:24:24,874
{\an8}I got you this jewelry
I thought you might like.
493
00:24:24,875 --> 00:24:28,582
I also got you this horse who can
get you into any Ivy League school.
494
00:24:28,583 --> 00:24:30,207
- Say hi, Daniel.
- [Daniel snorts]
495
00:24:30,208 --> 00:24:31,999
- I don't want a horse.
- He's from the President.
496
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,749
Ugh, can you stop calling yourself that?
497
00:24:34,750 --> 00:24:37,374
Can we just talk? I told my mom about us.
498
00:24:37,375 --> 00:24:39,790
Too little, too late, Mona.
I think we should break up.
499
00:24:39,791 --> 00:24:41,957
I'm sorry, but I'm moving on.
500
00:24:41,958 --> 00:24:44,040
I want to find someone
who knows who they are.
501
00:24:44,041 --> 00:24:47,999
I know your family pretends like you're
different people when you go outside,
502
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,333
but I think you just don't know
your inside self.
503
00:24:54,166 --> 00:24:58,416
- Come on, Daniel. Let's go to Harvard.
- [Daniel whinnies]
504
00:24:59,041 --> 00:25:01,041
[mandolin playing]
505
00:25:04,083 --> 00:25:07,999
Mmm-mm-mm.
Thank you for this chicken, Mr. President.
506
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:09,749
It is perfectly fried.
507
00:25:09,750 --> 00:25:12,999
We have much to learn
from the people of Kentucky.
508
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:17,832
We have KFC every time we are making
a big decision in the White House.
509
00:25:17,833 --> 00:25:20,665
- Take notes, Mona.
- Don't mind if I take a biscuit too.
510
00:25:20,666 --> 00:25:21,832
We never order.
511
00:25:21,833 --> 00:25:25,040
It is so nice to eat
somebody else's cooking for once...
512
00:25:25,041 --> 00:25:27,082
without debt. [chuckles] Whoa!
513
00:25:27,083 --> 00:25:28,749
Say, Rumi, why aren't you eating?
514
00:25:28,750 --> 00:25:30,124
I'm just thinking.
515
00:25:30,125 --> 00:25:31,790
Come on, man. Not even some coleslaw?
516
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:33,499
Eat coleslaw for the President!
517
00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:36,499
It's all right, Hussein.
Rumi's been thinking.
518
00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:40,915
Before I head back to DC, just wanna get
your verdict on our little click-click.
519
00:25:40,916 --> 00:25:44,874
Yeah. We did this Scared Straight thing
today where we meet a prisoner,
520
00:25:44,875 --> 00:25:49,165
and I met this one guy who told me
that prison's not so bad.
521
00:25:49,166 --> 00:25:51,665
That's right.
Prison is actually a nice place.
522
00:25:51,666 --> 00:25:55,290
Yeah. I mean, I heard Uncle Ahmed's
reading the Harry Potter books in there.
523
00:25:55,291 --> 00:25:57,790
I mean, he couldn't even
read English when he left.
524
00:25:57,791 --> 00:26:00,374
Very good system. My brother is fixed.
525
00:26:00,375 --> 00:26:04,582
So I was thinking, since he loves
reading Harry Potter so much,
526
00:26:04,583 --> 00:26:09,833
- I want...
- Yes? Go on.
527
00:26:10,541 --> 00:26:14,040
...Uncle Ahmed to see
the Harry Potter movies
528
00:26:14,041 --> 00:26:17,083
in theaters! Free my Uncle Ahmed!
529
00:26:18,625 --> 00:26:22,332
Well, well, well then.
Let's free Uncle Ahmed. [clicking sound]
530
00:26:22,333 --> 00:26:24,457
[doorbell ringing]
531
00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:27,374
- [groaning]
- Ahmed! My brother!
532
00:26:27,375 --> 00:26:29,957
[breathes heavily] USA is the best!
533
00:26:29,958 --> 00:26:31,207
Marco Polo.
534
00:26:31,208 --> 00:26:32,457
[in Arabic] God is great!
535
00:26:32,458 --> 00:26:33,540
[in English] Marco Polo.
536
00:26:33,541 --> 00:26:34,916
I'll see you soon, kid.
537
00:26:35,416 --> 00:26:36,499
Rumi!
538
00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:39,333
- [helicopters whirring]
- [magical music playing]
539
00:26:40,791 --> 00:26:43,291
[wind whistling]
540
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,415
You just became top cousin!
541
00:26:53,416 --> 00:26:55,082
[in Arabic] God has willed it!
542
00:26:55,083 --> 00:26:57,665
Alhamdulilah.
[in English] Tough love, it works.
543
00:26:57,666 --> 00:27:00,374
Rumi, I will love you now unconditionally.
544
00:27:00,375 --> 00:27:03,207
Until you are not the top cousin.
Then I hate you.
545
00:27:03,208 --> 00:27:06,375
Those sound like conditions.
I'm... I'm gonna go to bed.
546
00:27:09,166 --> 00:27:11,083
[sighs, screams]
547
00:27:12,166 --> 00:27:15,332
[screaming] What the fuck! Where am I?
548
00:27:15,333 --> 00:27:17,415
You! You monster!
549
00:27:17,416 --> 00:27:20,457
- [yelling gibberish]
- Hey! Hey! Calm down!
550
00:27:20,458 --> 00:27:23,040
Look, I'll explain everything,
little buddy.
551
00:27:23,041 --> 00:27:26,999
You know the movie Spy Kids
starring Antonio Banderas?
552
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,999
- Yeah?
- It's a real government program.
553
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,374
Everyone on this plane is one of them.
554
00:27:32,375 --> 00:27:35,457
See, my daddy invented Spy Kid. Singular.
555
00:27:35,458 --> 00:27:39,582
It was our best family idea since
Daddy's daddy invented Israel.
556
00:27:39,583 --> 00:27:43,165
But in Daddy's version,
there's only one Spy Kid: me.
557
00:27:43,166 --> 00:27:47,124
I went undercover at Suez Canal in 1956
558
00:27:47,125 --> 00:27:49,832
and helped shut down
the Hungarian revolution.
559
00:27:49,833 --> 00:27:51,624
Later, I killed Elvis.
560
00:27:51,625 --> 00:27:53,832
But it was too much for one kid.
561
00:27:53,833 --> 00:27:57,790
I knew when I became president,
I would fix my daddy's mistakes
562
00:27:57,791 --> 00:28:02,916
and create Spy Kids. Plural.
With an "S" or a "Z."
563
00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:06,582
It's my legacy, Rumi, and you're the key.
564
00:28:06,583 --> 00:28:08,165
Me? Why me?
565
00:28:08,166 --> 00:28:12,582
Remember when you first reached out
to me? Afraid of what you'd downloaded.
566
00:28:12,583 --> 00:28:15,915
I took a closer look.
And your peer-to-peer activity
567
00:28:15,916 --> 00:28:18,790
was a perfect match
for America's most wanted man.
568
00:28:18,791 --> 00:28:21,707
Peer-to-peer? What is that?
569
00:28:21,708 --> 00:28:24,874
You know all that illegal downloading
of music you did?
570
00:28:24,875 --> 00:28:27,082
All your little Napster'ing?
571
00:28:27,083 --> 00:28:31,249
The way that works is peers from all over
the world share your little parts
572
00:28:31,250 --> 00:28:34,374
of little files,
to finish the little downloads.
573
00:28:34,375 --> 00:28:36,499
All your music and all your porn,
574
00:28:36,500 --> 00:28:39,415
all that stuff led us
to the one person on Earth
575
00:28:39,416 --> 00:28:45,333
{\an8}with the same exact download history
as you: Osama bin Laden.
576
00:28:46,291 --> 00:28:48,374
I don't believe you.
I just want to go home.
577
00:28:48,375 --> 00:28:50,040
I don't want to be a Spy Kid!
578
00:28:50,041 --> 00:28:52,249
When I tested you,
you did everything right.
579
00:28:52,250 --> 00:28:54,040
You chose freeing your uncle.
580
00:28:54,041 --> 00:28:57,415
You're a Spy Kid,
and now you're going to Afghanistan.
581
00:28:57,416 --> 00:29:01,499
Your peer-to-peer instincts will lead us
right to your peer, bin Laden.
582
00:29:01,500 --> 00:29:03,332
You know him because you are him.
583
00:29:03,333 --> 00:29:06,874
No! I am not Osama bin Laden!
584
00:29:06,875 --> 00:29:09,040
- Find him, Rumi.
- Wait! I'm going alone?
585
00:29:09,041 --> 00:29:13,540
Oh, no, no, no. You have a very
special partner: Antonio Banderas.
586
00:29:13,541 --> 00:29:17,249
Hello, Rumi. I am Antonio Banderas.
587
00:29:17,250 --> 00:29:19,249
Wow! Just like Spy Kids!
588
00:29:19,250 --> 00:29:23,415
When you reach 3,000 feet,
you pull the parachute!
589
00:29:23,416 --> 00:29:24,707
Wait! Where am I going?
590
00:29:24,708 --> 00:29:26,124
Kabul, my friend!
591
00:29:26,125 --> 00:29:31,166
Wait! Wait! Wait! [screaming]
592
00:29:34,666 --> 00:29:37,415
[distorted] ♪ Hello, hello, neighbors ♪
593
00:29:37,416 --> 00:29:40,499
♪ You're afraid of us near you ♪
594
00:29:40,500 --> 00:29:43,582
♪ But the only blood we want ♪
595
00:29:43,583 --> 00:29:46,707
♪ Is to bleed red, white and blue ♪
596
00:29:46,708 --> 00:29:49,874
♪ I know you think we're scary ♪
597
00:29:49,875 --> 00:29:52,957
♪ But I swear to you we're fun ♪
598
00:29:52,958 --> 00:29:55,874
♪ We will prove to you our love ♪
599
00:29:55,875 --> 00:29:59,041
♪ We will be number one ♪
600
00:30:00,208 --> 00:30:02,208
[vocalizing]