WOODHOUSE: Superb Man making his debut at Slamageddon.
I won't let you down,
and to make doubly sure I'm zen out of ten,
I'm chewing on some sweet CBD tablets.
Seawater, beeswax and dirt?
Got 'em from the cheapest doctor in town.
By "town", I mean the dark web. Wanna suck?
So, this is the show that's gonna save our bank balance,
prove that we're worthy of being called Boss Pro Wrestling.
It's the dance. It's the kahuna.
The big fucking dancing kahuna! What is it?!
ALL: Cancelled. It's can...!
What?
Yes, yes, yes! Nitrolamageddon! CHEERING AND SHOUTING
Yes!
Say Nitrolamageddon!
Why wouldn't they just call it Nitro-geddon?
You all right, Mary? There you go.
Absolute throbber.
PHONE VIBRATES
SIGHS
Dr Patel!
Yeah, if this is about those missing packets of diazepam,
I can assure you, you know...
Oh, you haven't. OK.
Ignore that. Go on.
Right, I see.
Blimey, that's a long word.
But you discharged me!
Mm.
Right, well, er, ring me with the results, I suppose.
Yeah, cheers.
Right, it's on.
Yeah, all right. Not too close. Get off me. Yeah. Bye-bye.
One night. All I wanted was ONE night!
Aw, what's the matter, Hols?
You look as though your show got shut down
cos a really handsome bloke did a fat dump
in the air conditioning system.
Gutted. Whole venue sprayed...
You never let me have anything! ..with shit.
You couldn't even let me have this!
What is it?
Cos you know I'd put on a better show than you!
Wait a second! Chill out, shit ears.
I was legit gonna make you an offer.
You're making me an offer? Right.
Your lot can do a match on my show.
Cos you're my sister, and I'm a nice guy,
and because Jill got arrested for sucking off a statue.
Just don't ask. So we have to fill ten minutes.
Thought you might like that.
I'll even let you ref. HE CHUCKLES
Oh, yeah. Um, just on one condition.
Holly, you've got to beg me for it.
Beg... me.
I'll be waiting in my dressing room - number one.
DOOR SLAMS
North Korean lager. Really?
At this point, why not?
Oh, um, should I tell the Masked Hurricane not to show up?
Jack, forget it. Ben, Mya...
..there's something I want to tell you. I am...
BOTH: You're the Masked Hurricane.
Bertha told me.
Cheers.
You told Ben? Nah.
Worked it out, like. You belong in that ring.
Unlike Nick, you didn't want to hurt your mum,
so you kept it a secret.
Didn't want to say anything, though.
I thought the best thing to do was, you know, buy into the fantasy.
Same way as when we go out and wrestle,
and we know it's not real and the fans know it's not real,
we create something that feels real.
That's all that matters.
What do I know, anyway?
It's only a stupid wrestling show...
TEARFULLY: ..that we're not gonna do any more!
I already started spending a share of my takings,
in my head, and on a credit card.
Hols...
..are my new costumes iconic?
Yes. Yes.
Does one have functioning wings?
Yes. Yes.
Does the world need to see them?
That's obviously a yes.
Yes. That was a yes.
But if you beg Nick for anything, then I will set them all on fire
and go back to working nights at the Ibis.
Fuck his deal. Fuck him.
No.
I'm gonna give him what he wants.
Oh, hang on.
OK.
I'm begging you.
Let my guys go on.
Please, Nick. You win.
NICK LAUGHS
Fine. They can have five minutes while people come in.
Double DQ, no winner.
Thanks.
What?
I just... I miss those moments before a show, you know?
Tiny doing lines.
Si and Roxy doing THOSE warm-up stretches
that they always like to do in private.
Oh!
Bulk having his naked nap.
SNORING
They're all so...
fucking predictable.
You what? SHE GRUNTS
You shit on our show, we're stealing yours.
Slamageddon's back on, bitch!
Oh, and good luck coming to terms with the size of your dick.
Yeah... Yeah, well, it's bigger than yours!
Well, yeah!
Bye!
DOOR RATTLES
Fuck!
CROWD SHOUTS AND WHISTLES
Nitro! Nitro! Nitro!
CROWD CHANTS: Nitro! Nitro! Nitro! Nitro! Nitro!
Nitro fans.
There's a chance I didn't think this bit through.
Nah, relax.
They won't even notice we're giving them a different show.
Good evening, everyone!
MAN: Who are you?!
CROWD CHANTS: Nitro! Nitro!
It's tenser than dinner at my brother's.
How do you manage it? How are you always so calm?
CBD, baby.
What's happened to him? He found the drinks cellar.
I'm guessing it's just a cellar now.
Pre-match freebies are all part of the experience.
I did misjudge the stairs, though, but do not panic.
I can still... Ow! Right! No, I'm fine! I'm fine!
Just get me some ice. I need a gin and tonic.
Cliff, I don't know what's more fucked -
your leg, you, or us.
Jack, get changed. You're on second with Woodhouse.
Shabbat Shalom!
Whatever you try, you really still can't silence the voices.
Jack, now! Get in your gear!
Oh, yes. Right. I just need to iron my...
BERTHA: Iron's broke. Oh, shitting-fucking-shitting-fuck!
Jack, don't you dare fucking abandon...!
You... You're not going. You are. You're not.
Sorry, mixed signals.
But you're dressed.
I wanted to make sure I had plenty of energy,
so I came to get these...
raisins. So, ready?
Clifford's right. You can't silence the voices.
I know that I'm terrified... but that's fine.
But, actually, what if me saying that
is an attempt to silence the voices? What if the crowd hates me?
What if I go out there and the first person I...?
GAGS
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I also tried one of Woodhouse's dirt tablets.
Eurgh! No, no. It's bad.
Eurgh! It tastes like shit.
Yeah. I-It lingers. Eurgh!
CROWD CHANTS: Nitro! Nitro! Nitro! Nitro! Nitro!
MYA OVER PA: All right, let's go! Yeah!
THEY GRUNT
Beaming down from an alien planet not too far away,
space empress Bertha Lavicus
versus Ben the Berzerker!
BOOING
Are you coming in?
CROWD EXCLAIMS
Argh! CROWD EXCLAIMS
Come on, then!
Yes! Ow! Actually quite hurt myself there.
Triangle of trust.
We're ready. Have fun. Believe in yourself.
Woodhouse, stick to the four simple moves we agreed on.
Even better, I'll do three.
Wrestling my best pal!
MYA OVER PA: Is it a wasp? Is it a helicopter?
No.
It's... Superb Man!
BP's forever. Yeah!
UPBEAT ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS I'm a wrestler, baby!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah!
Very quick, uh, question about, um, earlier,
with the raisins and the car park with the...
The kiss? Yes.
Oh, um, it was just to get you out your head.
Right, yeah. Yeah. Very good. Very, uh... Very effective.
Mm.
Ah!
Yeah. And his opponent, the Jack Hammer!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Love you, BP!
Argh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Love you, BP.
WOODHOUSE GRUNTS Yes!
Oh, Christ. I need a drink.
CROWD EXCLAIMS
Whoo!
And what do you think you're doing?
Take that rubbish off.
Back rubber!
CROWD EXCLAIMS One, two, three!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You stole your brother's show, did you?
No.
Yes.
He started...! Shh!
Cliff phoned me, you know.
CLIFF ON VOICEMAIL: 'Pamela, about Holly.
'I've got something to tell you...'
She's bloody brilliant.
The things she's done to keep your company alive,
and she has found this amazing wrestler called...
The Masked Hurricane.
So, Cliff's been lying to me and all!
Sometimes, I think you get the kids you deserve.
I've been shown up, let down, betrayed...
But enough about Nick.
Argh!
Oh, my God!
A thunderous show, lads.
Simple and effective, respectively.
Ya filthy tarts!
Quality!
I've always known what Nick was,
or what I made him, but I didn't...
I felt like I was in... Let's do our secret handshake!
Yeah, but we don't have one yet!
Tweedledum and Tweedle-dickhead, twat off.
I had to tell myself that Nick was decent,
or I had to admit that I fucked up.
But he's not.
And I did.
I fucked up when you hurt yourself
and then I kept hurting you more.
But sometimes, life shoves a bit of perspective up your chuff.
You're not the girl who's too fragile to go in the ring.
You're the woman who's gonna run this company from now on.
Um... But...
CHUCKLES
..you're not going out there in that.
You're going out...
HOLLY GASPS ..in this.
Y-Your old costume?
Pam Slam, the Queen of Glam. Mum!
Right, Hols.
I don't deserve you.
But I'm so proud of you.
SHE CHUCKLES
Yes!
We'll get Bertha to pin the tits in, yeah?
OK, Mum, I'm literally D cup.
Yeah, in your dreams, petal.
MYA OVER PA: Are you ready?!
Our main event will kick off in one minute.
THEY CHEER AND LAUGH
Argh!
Oi, Maggie.
Oh, yes. Mango.
I run your fan club. I've got four pet goats.
OK. Listen, love. I need a favour.
Of course. Anything... love.
Mum, what was it you said about something rammed up your chuff?
What? What's happened?
MYA OVER PA: Are you ready?
Later, later.
FANFARE PLAYS
MYA OVER PA: All right, you beautiful people,
she's just flown in!
She's wild! She's wicked!
It's Hurricane Holly! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And her...
CROWD EXCLAIMS Yes, come on!
You bastard!
Ah! Ah!
Ah!
Oh, no, you don't.
Release the wings of war!
FABRIC TEARS
Oh, fuck it.
Come on, then!
SHOUTING
Who's here for me, then?
CHEERING
Yes! Quality!
So you can all forget about Hurricane Holly
and all of her lot.
HE LAUGHS Let's give 'em a show!
Nick Nitro versus Hurricane Holly!
CROWD EXCLAIMS
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
CROWD EXCLAIMS
CHEERING
GRUNTING AND YELLING
Yes! Yes!
CHEERING Hey!
Ah! No!
SHE GRUNTS No.
SHE GRUNTS
Such a small dick for such a big prick!
CROWD EXCLAIMS
Jesus, Nick, why are you like this?
CROWD EXCLAIMS
CHEERING AND SHOUTING Argh!
Nick Nitro's meant to be a mega star,
and it soon all became about you and all of your ear shit.
Yes! Come on! Let me hear ya!
We cancelled my first hearing aid fitting
so Mum could take you to get your armpits lasered, dickhead!
SHE GRUNTS, CROWD EXCLAIMS
Then why have I been wrestling in guildhalls and community centres
for the last 15 years, eh?
When's America gonna call me up?! HE GRUNTS
CROWD EXCLAIMS
Argh!
Count it!
One, two, three.
CROWD EXCLAIMS Tell 'em who the winner is.
Your winner is...
Hols, just stay down. Nick Nitro! Come on!
What the fuck are you doing? Hols...
That's not how this works. Get back down!
CROWD EXCLAIMS
Count it! Nick, the match is over!
Count it! One, two, three!
Yes! Hols, just stay down.
Double winner! Come on!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Nick Nitro! Come on, then!
You've always thought you were better than me. Always.
But it doesn't matter, cos who's fucking winning now?
Me! Not you!
I'm a fucking superstar, not you!
Oh, just shut up.
Not your shit ears, not your shit mates.
Holly! Holly!
ALL CHANT: Holly! Holly! Holly! Holly! Holly! Holly!
SHE SCREAMS
Argh!
CHEERING
Argh!
COUGHING
These are so useful, aren't they?
Argh! CROWD EXCLAIMS
When I tell you to stay down, Holly, you stay down.
Oh, yeah. Come on, then! Come on, then!
MAN IN CROWD: You're not a man, mate!
What? You're a coward!
CROWD BOOS AND JEERS You don't boo me.
You don't boo me!
BOOING CONTINUES Shut up!
Get down! Argh!
Dirty fighter!
I won. You tell 'em I won!
Newsflash, mate. Wrestling's fake.
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for your loser, Hurricane Holly!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And I should have mentioned
this hasn't been a Nitro Wrestling show at all.
We've been Hurricane Holly's Boss Pro Wrestling!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yay!
CHANTING: Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss!
We're still financially doomed cos of the cancellation, right?
Very much so, yes.
Also, I think giving away all of the merchandise wasn't...
Oh, that's Tomorrow Woodhouse's massive, massive problem.
CHANTING: Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss!
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