1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,033 --> 00:00:15,234 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:21,901 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:21,968 --> 00:00:22,567 ♪ ♪ 6 00:00:22,634 --> 00:00:23,801 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 7 00:00:23,868 --> 00:00:25,009 Bill: THANK YOU, MIAMI. WOW! 8 00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:28,300 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 9 00:00:28,367 --> 00:00:29,534 I APPRECIATE THAT MORE THAN I 10 00:00:29,601 --> 00:00:30,767 CAN TELL YOU. 11 00:00:30,834 --> 00:00:33,834 THANK YOU. 12 00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:36,901 YOU'RE VERY KIND. 13 00:00:36,968 --> 00:00:38,367 THANK YOU. 14 00:00:38,434 --> 00:00:41,067 I... I APPRECIATE THAT. 15 00:00:41,133 --> 00:00:43,467 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 16 00:00:43,534 --> 00:00:44,968 THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. 17 00:00:45,033 --> 00:00:47,000 THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH 18 00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:49,167 ALL THE, UH, PROTOCOLS THAT WE 19 00:00:49,234 --> 00:00:51,567 HAVE TO DO, BUT STILL THAT'S WHY 20 00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:53,510 I FUCKING CAME TO FLORIDA TO GET AWAY FROM THAT SHIT. 21 00:00:53,534 --> 00:00:57,200 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 22 00:00:57,267 --> 00:00:58,634 ALL RIGHT. 23 00:00:58,701 --> 00:00:59,300 WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS, WELCOME 24 00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,734 TO THE SHOW. 25 00:01:01,801 --> 00:01:03,968 BUT HONESTLY, THANK YOU FOR 26 00:01:04,033 --> 00:01:07,868 CHOOSING TO LIVE, TO COME OUT OF 27 00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:11,000 YOUR HOLE AND LIVE LIFE, YOU 28 00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:13,567 KNOW, WE GOT TO DO THAT. 29 00:01:13,634 --> 00:01:14,367 AND WE CAN... CAN WE BE A LITTLE 30 00:01:14,434 --> 00:01:17,100 HAPPY? 31 00:01:17,167 --> 00:01:19,200 YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A VACCINE NOW. 32 00:01:19,267 --> 00:01:20,343 NOBODY WHO HAS THE VACCINE DIES, 33 00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:21,634 NOBODY. 34 00:01:21,701 --> 00:01:23,067 IT'S LIKE, UH, CAN'T... CAN'T WE 35 00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:23,667 JUST TAKE OUR VICTORY AND GO 36 00:01:23,734 --> 00:01:25,467 HOME? 37 00:01:25,534 --> 00:01:26,934 I MEAN, I STILL SEE SOME MASKS HERE. 38 00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:27,868 I SEE IT ALL OVER WHEN I WORK ON 39 00:01:27,934 --> 00:01:29,133 THE ROAD. 40 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,567 PEOPLE IN THE CROWD WITH MASKS, 41 00:01:30,634 --> 00:01:32,634 AND I KNOW THEY'RE VACCINATED. 42 00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,133 I MEAN, DO YOU KEEP THE CONDOM 43 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:40,033 ON AFTER YOU FUCK? 44 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:40,701 NO, I'M NOT... 45 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,534 AND SIR, ENJOY THAT MASK. 46 00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:44,200 IT'S NOT... I'M NOT MAKING FUN 47 00:01:44,267 --> 00:01:45,343 OF YOU IN PARTICULAR, BUT I KIND 48 00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:48,033 OF AM. 49 00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:51,100 BUT... BUT I OFTEN... MAYBE THIS 50 00:01:51,167 --> 00:01:52,801 IS JUST L.A., I STILL 51 00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:56,868 SEE YOUNG PEOPLE, ALONE, WALKING 52 00:01:56,934 --> 00:01:58,701 OUTSIDE WITH A MASK, I WANNA 53 00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:00,434 FUCKING PUNCH THEM AND BREATHE 54 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:03,868 ON THEM. 55 00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:05,467 I... YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE 56 00:02:05,534 --> 00:02:07,134 YOUNG, YOU'VE GOT THE GOOD IMMUNE SYSTEM. 57 00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:09,300 IT'S OUTSIDE. 58 00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:11,167 PLAY THE ODDS A LITTLE BIT, YOU 59 00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:13,667 FUCKING PUSSIES. 60 00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,734 I MEAN... WE'RE... NO REALLY, 61 00:02:16,801 --> 00:02:17,634 WE'RE RAISING A GENERATION OF 62 00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:20,767 HOWIE MANDELS. 63 00:02:20,834 --> 00:02:22,801 [BOOS] 64 00:02:22,868 --> 00:02:25,701 THAT'S WHAT WE DID. 65 00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:26,267 WE INDUCED MASS HYSTERIA IN 66 00:02:26,334 --> 00:02:28,534 THIS. 67 00:02:28,601 --> 00:02:31,434 I SEE PEOPLE IN THE CAR, ALONE, 68 00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:33,167 WITH A MASK. 69 00:02:33,234 --> 00:02:34,000 YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT FROM 70 00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:40,701 THE RADIO? 71 00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:41,667 I MEAN, AND LOOK, I HAVE IT IN 72 00:02:41,734 --> 00:02:43,367 PERSPECTIVE. 73 00:02:43,434 --> 00:02:45,133 I CERTAINLY GIVE NO QUARTER TO 74 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,901 THE NUTS WHO THINK THAT, YOU 75 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,667 KNOW, BILL GATES PUT A TRACKING 76 00:02:48,734 --> 00:02:50,033 DEVICE IN THE VACCINE. 77 00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:51,334 YOU KNOW, THERE ARE THOSE NUTS 78 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,500 OUT THERE, RIGHT? 79 00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:54,100 LIKE WE COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT 80 00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:54,934 TRACKING YOUR FAT ASS TO THE 81 00:02:55,000 --> 00:03:01,067 PIGGLY WIGGLY. 82 00:03:01,133 --> 00:03:01,601 [LAUGHTER] 83 00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:04,133 BUT, YOU KNOW, IN GENERAL, 84 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:05,310 EXCUSE ME, HEALTH IS STILL A 85 00:03:05,334 --> 00:03:08,767 MYSTERY FROM BEGINNING TO END. 86 00:03:08,834 --> 00:03:15,000 WHAT, HOW IS TRUMP STILL ALIVE? 87 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,500 [LAUGHTER] 88 00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:19,200 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 89 00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:22,334 YOU KNOW, DICK CHENEY HAS A 90 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,534 HEART THAT PLUGS INTO THE WALL. 91 00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:28,701 REALLY? 92 00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,200 HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT TRUMP, 93 00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,901 UNLIKE LIKE EVERY OTHER 94 00:03:31,968 --> 00:03:33,367 PRESIDENT, DID NOT AGE IN 95 00:03:33,434 --> 00:03:35,734 OFFICE? 96 00:03:35,801 --> 00:03:41,367 WE DID. 97 00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:42,000 [LAUGHTER] 98 00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:43,133 WE AGED A LOT. 99 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,167 THIS GUY LOOKS THE SAME. 100 00:03:45,234 --> 00:03:46,810 I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW. I, JUST THE PSYCHIC RELIEF, 101 00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:47,601 RIGHT? 102 00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:48,677 I MEAN, JOE ISN'T PERFECT, BUT, 103 00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:49,901 YOU KNOW, JUST NOT TO HAVE TO 104 00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,109 WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND LOOK AT 105 00:03:51,133 --> 00:03:53,167 YOUR PHONE LIKE, OH, FUCK, WHAT, 106 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,500 OH, THE... THE HEAD OF HOMELAND 107 00:03:55,567 --> 00:03:57,200 SECURITY IS IVANKA'S WEDDING 108 00:03:57,267 --> 00:03:58,934 PLANNER NOW, YOU KNOW, THAT, 109 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,567 THAT KIND OF SHIT, I... 110 00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:02,467 PRICELESS IS WHAT. 111 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:04,767 IT'S FUNNY. 112 00:04:04,834 --> 00:04:06,467 FOX NEWS ALWAYS IS LIKE, "WELL, 113 00:04:06,534 --> 00:04:07,267 JOE BIDEN, UH, PRESIDENT BIDEN 114 00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:08,334 HAS A DIFFERENT STYLE." 115 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,400 DIFFERENT STYLE. 116 00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,534 YEAH, LIKE HE SIDES WITH 117 00:04:12,601 --> 00:04:13,868 AMERICA, UH, YOU KNOW, LITTLE 118 00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:16,267 THINGS LIKE THAT, LIKE HE'S, 119 00:04:16,334 --> 00:04:17,574 WHEN THERE'S A WAR WITH RUSSIA, 120 00:04:17,601 --> 00:04:18,167 HE'S ON OUR SIDE AND NOT 121 00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:21,067 PUTIN'S. 122 00:04:21,133 --> 00:04:22,267 [APPLAUSE] 123 00:04:22,334 --> 00:04:23,567 SHEESH. 124 00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,500 SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT BILL 125 00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:26,934 CLINTON, BUT FOR ALL HIS FAULTS, 126 00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:27,968 HE WAS BLOWN BY AN AMERICAN, 127 00:04:28,033 --> 00:04:29,033 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AN 128 00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:34,367 AMERICAN. 129 00:04:34,434 --> 00:04:35,910 [LAUGHTER] IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME AND 130 00:04:35,934 --> 00:04:41,400 THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE. 131 00:04:41,467 --> 00:04:42,801 BUT, YOU KNOW, TRUMP IS NOT 132 00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:44,968 GONE. 133 00:04:45,033 --> 00:04:46,634 HE'S JUST NOT PRESIDENT NOW. 134 00:04:46,701 --> 00:04:48,200 I MEAN, I WAS SAYING FROM 135 00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:49,767 THE VERY BEGINNING, YOU KNOW, 136 00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:51,267 THAT I WAS TRYING TO ALARM 137 00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:53,000 PEOPLE THAT HE'S RIGHT NOW 138 00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:54,601 BEHIND THE SCENES TRYING TO FIX 139 00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:55,667 IT, SO HE CAN DO WHAT HE 140 00:04:55,734 --> 00:04:56,894 COULDN'T DO LAST TIME TO THIS 141 00:04:56,934 --> 00:04:58,534 NEXT ELECTION. 142 00:04:58,601 --> 00:04:59,901 I SAID FROM THE BEGINNING HE WAS 143 00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:01,208 NEVER GONNA CONCEDE IF HE LOST. 144 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,033 EVERYONE WAS LIKE, "OH, BILL, 145 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,400 YOU SMOKE TOO MUCH POT." 146 00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:04,934 WELL, APPARENTLY, I SMOKE JUST 147 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:09,634 THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF POT. 148 00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:14,467 [LAUGHTER] 149 00:05:14,534 --> 00:05:15,100 I MEAN, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DO YOU 150 00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:16,267 DO? 151 00:05:16,334 --> 00:05:17,000 HERE'S THE QUESTION OF THE 152 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,033 NIGHT. 153 00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,868 WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN, LIKE A LOT 154 00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:22,567 OF THE PEOPLE IN THE GOVERNMENT 155 00:05:22,634 --> 00:05:23,133 DON'T BELIEVE IN OUR FORM OF 156 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,667 GOVERNMENT? 157 00:05:24,734 --> 00:05:26,167 YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE 158 00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:27,834 REPUBLICANS DID NOT CONDEMN 159 00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:29,934 JANUARY 6, YOU KNOW, TED CRUZ, 160 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,009 JOSH HAWLEY, YOU KNOW, THESE 161 00:05:31,033 --> 00:05:32,334 PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT STUPID. 162 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,067 THEY'RE HARVARD AND YALE. 163 00:05:35,133 --> 00:05:38,400 AND THEN THERE'S MARJORIE TAYLOR 164 00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:40,033 GREENE, THE STAR OF "THE REAL 165 00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:45,868 HOUSEWIVES OF KAREN COUNTY." 166 00:05:45,934 --> 00:05:46,868 [LAUGHTER] 167 00:05:46,934 --> 00:05:48,210 THIS CHICK IS ABOUT A MOOD SWING 168 00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:54,667 FROM GETTING NAKED IN A TARGET. 169 00:05:54,734 --> 00:05:56,667 HOW IS SHE NOT A MIDDLE SCHOOL 170 00:05:56,734 --> 00:05:57,634 TEACHER IN FLORIDA, WHO'S 171 00:05:57,701 --> 00:06:03,267 FUCKING HER STUDENTS? 172 00:06:03,334 --> 00:06:04,643 [LAUGHTER] THAT'S WHAT I... OH, I LOVE YOU, 173 00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:06,109 FLORIDA. YOU KNOW I FUCKING LOVE FLORIDA. 174 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,000 I CAN'T HELP IT. 175 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,834 BUT YEAH, I MEAN, I WORRY ABOUT 176 00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:09,767 THE ONES WHO ARE NOT THE 177 00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:11,300 STUPID... BUT I WORRY ABOUT THE 178 00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:12,467 TED CRUZ, YOU KNOW, THE 179 00:06:12,534 --> 00:06:14,267 AMBITIOUS ONES. 180 00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:18,601 HE'S BEEN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT 181 00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:21,434 SINCE HE WAS THREE, CALCULATING 182 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:24,067 WHEN HE RAN IN 2016, THEY ONCE 183 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,534 ASKED HIM A SOFTBALL QUESTION OF 184 00:06:26,601 --> 00:06:28,067 ALL TIME ON "THE TODAY SHOW." 185 00:06:28,133 --> 00:06:28,934 THEY HAD SAID, "WHAT MUSIC DO 186 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,601 YOU LISTEN TO?" 187 00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:32,677 NOW, A HUMAN WOULD JUST TELL 188 00:06:32,701 --> 00:06:37,634 YOU. 189 00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:38,100 [LAUGHTER] 190 00:06:38,167 --> 00:06:39,400 TED CRUZ SAID, WELL, BEFORE 191 00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:43,267 9/11, I USED TO LISTEN TO 192 00:06:43,334 --> 00:06:45,968 CLASSIC ROCK, BUT AFTER 9/11, IT 193 00:06:46,033 --> 00:06:47,400 JUST FELT MORE RIGHT TO LISTEN 194 00:06:47,467 --> 00:06:49,868 TO COUNTRY MUSIC. 195 00:06:49,934 --> 00:06:51,868 WHY? 196 00:06:51,934 --> 00:06:53,567 WAS THE WORLD TRADE CENTER 197 00:06:53,634 --> 00:06:59,033 ATTACKED BY THREE DOG NIGHT? 198 00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,100 [LAUGHTER] WHAT? 199 00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:01,467 WHAT? 200 00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:03,734 IT IS A SOBERING THOUGHT THAT 201 00:07:03,801 --> 00:07:05,133 THE REPUBLICAN WHO TURNED OUT TO 202 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,367 HAVE THE MOST RESPONSIBILITY WAS 203 00:07:07,434 --> 00:07:09,667 MIKE PENCE, WHO DID THE 204 00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:16,467 RIGHT THING ON JANUARY 6, RIGHT? 205 00:07:16,534 --> 00:07:16,934 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 206 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,300 I MEAN, COME ON, YOU GOT TO. 207 00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,000 AND MIKE PENCE IS NOW... HE'S 208 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,076 TALKED A LOT ABOUT JANUARY 6 209 00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:22,033 SINCE THEN. 210 00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:23,109 HE SAYS "DONALD TRUMP AND I WILL 211 00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:24,253 NEVER SEE EYE TO EYE ON THAT 212 00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:26,234 DAY." 213 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:27,934 BUT HE WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW HE 214 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,240 STILL SUPPORTS DONALD TRUMP AND 215 00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,267 HE WILL NOT LET THE MEDIA USE 216 00:07:31,334 --> 00:07:33,000 ONE TRAGIC DAY TO DISCREDIT THE 217 00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:35,701 ASPIRATIONS OF MILLIONS OF 218 00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:36,968 AMERICANS, WHICH WAS TO KILL 219 00:07:37,033 --> 00:07:42,067 MIKE PENCE. 220 00:07:42,133 --> 00:07:43,033 [LAUGHTER] 221 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:45,000 I LOVE THIS. 222 00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:48,067 HE ALSO SAYS HE WANTS TO STAY 223 00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:49,243 FRIENDS WITH TRUMP, BUT RIGHT 224 00:07:49,267 --> 00:07:51,067 NOW IT'S DIFFICULT. 225 00:07:51,133 --> 00:07:52,173 DIFFICULT... YES. OH, YEAH. 226 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,234 I THINK WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE. 227 00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,234 YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A 228 00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,934 GUY, BUT ALWAYS THAT AWKWARDNESS 229 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,200 LINGERING IN THE BACKGROUND 230 00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:01,167 ABOUT THE TIME HE TRIED TO HAVE 231 00:08:01,234 --> 00:08:03,000 YOU KILLED WHEN YOU WOULDN'T 232 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:04,234 HELP HIM OVERTHROW THE 233 00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:04,701 GOVERNMENT. 234 00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:05,834 AM I RIGHT? 235 00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:10,267 IS THAT NOT RELATABLE? 236 00:08:10,334 --> 00:08:12,934 HONESTLY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT 237 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,968 THE ENABLERS? 238 00:08:15,033 --> 00:08:17,000 YOU KNOW, TRUMP DIDN'T GET THERE 239 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,300 BY HIMSELF, A LOT OF PEOPLE 240 00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,500 ALONG THE WAY, AND STILL THERE. 241 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,167 THE ONES AT THE BEGINNING, ALSO. 242 00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:24,300 YOU KNOW, I KNEW THIS WAS GOING 243 00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:26,100 TO GO SOUTH THE FIRST WEEK WHEN 244 00:08:26,167 --> 00:08:28,667 HE SAID McCAIN WASN'T A WAR HERO 245 00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:30,400 AND THE REPUBLICANS DIDN'T DO 246 00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:31,634 ANYTHING ABOUT IT. 247 00:08:31,701 --> 00:08:34,567 I WAS LIKE, OH, FUCK. 248 00:08:34,634 --> 00:08:35,467 AND HE'S... AND THEN HE KEPT 249 00:08:35,534 --> 00:08:36,774 MAKING FUN OF McCAIN EVEN AFTER 250 00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:38,033 HE DIED. 251 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,634 AND McCAIN'S WIDOW, LINDSEY 252 00:08:39,701 --> 00:08:43,968 GRAHAM, SAYS NOTHING. 253 00:08:44,033 --> 00:08:45,033 [LAUGHTER] NOTHING. 254 00:08:45,334 --> 00:08:49,834 NOTHING. 255 00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:51,801 I MEAN, HOW DOES HE... TRUMP... 256 00:08:51,868 --> 00:08:53,300 HOW DOES HE TURN THESE PEOPLE, 257 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,067 YOU KNOW, WHO USED TO BE KIND OF 258 00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:56,500 NORMAL REPUBLIC... RUDY 259 00:08:56,567 --> 00:08:59,701 GIULIANI, THE ONLY VAMPIRE 260 00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:05,267 ATTRACTED TO GARLIC. 261 00:09:05,334 --> 00:09:07,500 [LAUGHTER] 262 00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:08,300 AND, YOU KNOW, HE COULD GO TO 263 00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:09,434 JAIL. 264 00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:11,000 THEY RAIDED HIS APARTMENT, THE 265 00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,434 FBI, ONE OF THOSE NO-KNOCKS LIKE 266 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:14,367 6:00 IN THE MORNING. 267 00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:15,033 HE WAS JUST GETTING INTO HIS 268 00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:19,634 COFFIN. 269 00:09:19,701 --> 00:09:20,601 [LAUGHTER] 270 00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:23,334 DON JR. COULD GO TO JAIL. 271 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,133 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 272 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,067 THEY'RE LOOKING INTO THE TRUMP 273 00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:30,167 FAMILY FINANCES NOW. 274 00:09:30,234 --> 00:09:31,567 AND TRUST ME, WHEN HE DOES TRUMP 275 00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:32,467 WILL GO "I KNEW HIM VERY 276 00:09:32,534 --> 00:09:37,667 BRIEFLY. 277 00:09:37,734 --> 00:09:38,033 [LAUGHTER] 278 00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,176 HE WAS MY SON FOR A SHORT PERIOD 279 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,567 OF TIME. 280 00:09:40,634 --> 00:09:41,334 I HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN WITH A 281 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:47,801 LOT OF PEOPLE." 282 00:09:47,868 --> 00:09:50,834 YOU KNOW, TRUMP, IT WAS SUCH A, 283 00:09:50,901 --> 00:09:52,234 I DON'T KNOW, DELIBERATELY 284 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:56,634 TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING THAT YOU 285 00:09:56,701 --> 00:09:58,968 COULD FORGIVE THE LEFT FOR LIKE 286 00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,273 GOING A LITTLE CRAZY ABOUT HIM. 287 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,367 I DID. 288 00:10:03,434 --> 00:10:04,801 WENT A LITTLE AND WOULDN'T 289 00:10:04,868 --> 00:10:06,367 BELIEVE ANYTHING BAD. 290 00:10:06,434 --> 00:10:08,067 NOT, YOU KNOW, NOW LOOK BACK. 291 00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:10,200 SOME OF THE THINGS LIKE THE 292 00:10:10,267 --> 00:10:12,200 THING ABOUT HE PAID TWO HOOKERS 293 00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:13,601 TO PEE ON EACH OTHER IN A HOTEL 294 00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:14,100 ROOM IN MOSCOW. 295 00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:15,334 I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. 296 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,634 I BELIEVE HE DID IT. 297 00:10:16,701 --> 00:10:21,434 I DON'T BELIEVE HE PAID THEM. 298 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:22,500 [LAUGHTER] 299 00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:23,567 [APPLAUSE] 300 00:10:23,634 --> 00:10:27,400 BUT YOU KNOW, REPUBLICANS, YOU 301 00:10:27,467 --> 00:10:29,167 GOT SOME NERVE ASKING ME TO COME 302 00:10:29,234 --> 00:10:32,434 OVER TO THE REPUBLICAN SIDE IF 303 00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:33,510 YOU'RE STILL ENTHRALL TO THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE. 304 00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:34,734 ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU KNOW WHAT? 305 00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:37,767 I NEVER LOSE PERSPECTIVE. 306 00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:39,500 THE REPUBLICANS DO NOT BELIEVE 307 00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:41,234 IN THE EMERGENCY OF CLIMATE 308 00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:42,634 CHANGE, AND THEY APPARENTLY NO 309 00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:44,033 LONGER BELIEVE IN AMERICAN 310 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,601 DEMOCRACY AS LONG AS THAT'S 311 00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,934 WHERE YOU ARE, THAT PARTY IS NOT 312 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,367 EVEN SAVABLE. 313 00:10:49,434 --> 00:10:51,067 MAYBE I'M A COCKEYED OPTIMIST, 314 00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:52,601 BUT I STILL THINK THE DEMOCRATS 315 00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:53,667 ARE SAVABLE. 316 00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:57,167 [APPLAUSE] 317 00:10:57,234 --> 00:11:02,500 I MEAN, SOME DAYS THEY TEST ME. 318 00:11:02,567 --> 00:11:03,901 BUT I DON'T KNOW. 319 00:11:03,968 --> 00:11:04,901 WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO PUT 320 00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,267 THIS COUNTRY BACK TOGETHER. 321 00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:08,200 I MEAN, ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID IT, 322 00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:10,300 "A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF 323 00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:13,534 CANNOT STAND." 324 00:11:13,601 --> 00:11:17,534 [APPLAUSE] 325 00:11:17,601 --> 00:11:18,710 OF COURSE HE'S CANCELED NOW, SO 326 00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:23,701 FUCK HIM. 327 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:24,300 [LAUGHTER] 328 00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:25,868 SEE, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN. 329 00:11:25,934 --> 00:11:27,300 I MEAN, LINCOLN WAS... I MEAN, 330 00:11:27,367 --> 00:11:28,577 YEAH, THEY TOOK DOWN THE STATUES 331 00:11:28,601 --> 00:11:29,434 IN SOME PLACES, TOOK HIS NAME 332 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,267 OFF HIGH SCHOOLS, INCLUDING IN 333 00:11:31,334 --> 00:11:33,000 ILLINOIS, LAND OF LINCOLN. 334 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:33,934 LAND OF LINCOLN CANCELED 335 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,968 LINCOLN. 336 00:11:36,033 --> 00:11:38,200 [LAUGHTER] 337 00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:38,834 OKAY, THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO 338 00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:40,300 LIBERALS. 339 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:46,701 ATTENTION, WHOLE FOOD SHOPPERS. 340 00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:47,367 [LAUGHTER] 341 00:11:47,434 --> 00:11:50,300 WHEN WHAT YOU'RE DOING SOUNDS 342 00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:51,133 LIKE A HEADLINE IN THE ONION. 343 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,434 STOP DOING THAT. 344 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:54,934 OKAY? 345 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,434 STOP DOING THAT. 346 00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:01,100 [APPLAUSE] 347 00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:03,234 THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT ALWAYS 348 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,067 REVISITING THE PAST AND 349 00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:07,434 HISTORICAL PEOPLE WHO DON'T 350 00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:08,968 SHARE YOUR CURRENT WOKE 351 00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:11,067 MENTALITY, WHAT A CHEAP WAY TO 352 00:12:11,133 --> 00:12:11,567 LOOK ENLIGHTENED AND BIG 353 00:12:11,634 --> 00:12:13,100 YOURSELF UP. 354 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,467 FUCK YOU, ABRAHAM LINCOLN ISN'T 355 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:15,334 GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. 356 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,434 [APPLAUSE] 357 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,067 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT 358 00:12:20,133 --> 00:12:21,767 WE EVEN HAVE TO QUESTION THAT 359 00:12:21,834 --> 00:12:24,601 IS, DON'T EVEN START. 360 00:12:24,667 --> 00:12:27,534 BUT LOOK, EVERY GENERATION. 361 00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:28,400 EVERY GENERATION IS THE WHAT 362 00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,267 WERE YOU THINKING GENERATION? 363 00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:32,300 YOU KNOW, FIRST TIME I FLEW TO 364 00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:33,234 THIS CITY, I SMOKED ON THE 365 00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:36,801 PLANE. 366 00:12:36,868 --> 00:12:37,868 [LAUGHTER] REALLY? 367 00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,343 WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA? 368 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,000 SMOKING. 369 00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,400 [LAUGHTER] 370 00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:41,934 I'LL TELL YOU WHO. 371 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,000 EVERYBODY. 372 00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:44,513 EVERYBODY WAS COMPLETELY FINE WITH IT. 373 00:12:44,667 --> 00:12:46,133 IT'S JUST WHAT WE DID. 374 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:46,868 YOU KNOW? 375 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,634 I MEAN, DOCTORS. 376 00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:49,634 DOCTORS USED TO DO CIGARETTE 377 00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:51,400 ADS. 378 00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:52,634 I'M NOT KIDDING. 379 00:12:52,701 --> 00:12:57,567 YOU CAN LOOK... LOOK UP AN OLD 380 00:12:57,634 --> 00:12:58,877 "LIFE MAGAZINE." A LUNG SURGEON NEEDS STEADY 381 00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:02,334 HANDS. 382 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:02,601 [LAUGHTER] 383 00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:06,234 I SWEAR YOU CAN FIND THAT. 384 00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:07,801 THEY USED TO PUT HEROIN IN COUGH 385 00:13:07,868 --> 00:13:09,601 MEDICINE AND COCAINE IN SOFT 386 00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:11,701 DRINKS. 387 00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:16,267 THAT WAS NOT A BAD IDEA. 388 00:13:16,334 --> 00:13:17,667 [LAUGHTER] 389 00:13:17,734 --> 00:13:20,868 WE USED TO, LIKE, JUST LITTER 390 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,400 OUT THE CAR WINDOW. 391 00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:24,934 LIKE, WHATEVER WAS IN YOUR HAND, 392 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:25,534 JUST FUCKING THROW IT OUT THE 393 00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:29,801 WINDOW. 394 00:13:29,868 --> 00:13:31,109 [LAUGHTER] NOBODY THOUGHT THAT WAS WRONG. 395 00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:32,844 AND THEN THEY MADE THE COMMERCIAL WITH THE CRYING 396 00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:34,334 INDIAN, AND WE WERE LIKE, 397 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,710 OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT MADE INDIANS CRY. 398 00:13:35,734 --> 00:13:39,100 I'M SORRY. 399 00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:40,276 [LAUGHTER] WE DON'T HAVE TO THROW SHIT OUT 400 00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:40,667 THE WINDOW. 401 00:13:40,734 --> 00:13:42,634 AND WE STOPPED, YOU KNOW? 402 00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:44,200 I MEAN, MY MOTHER DRANK DURING 403 00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:45,634 HER PREGNANCY, AND I CAME OUT 404 00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:47,133 PERFECTLY NORMAL. 405 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:51,801 [LAUGHTER] 406 00:13:51,868 --> 00:13:52,877 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WAIT. 407 00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:57,334 WHY IS THAT FUNNY? 408 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,133 AND I MUST SAY ON THAT SCORE, I 409 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,200 HAVE SEEN THIS A COUPLE OF TIMES 410 00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:02,701 IN A RESTAURANT. 411 00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:04,100 A PREGNANT WOMAN IS HAVING 412 00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:05,834 DINNER, DRINKING A GLASS OF 413 00:14:05,901 --> 00:14:08,500 WINE, AND SOME STRANGER WILL 414 00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:09,710 COME OVER AND SCOLD HER, OKAY, 415 00:14:09,734 --> 00:14:10,400 THIS BULLSHIT HAS TO STOP IN 416 00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:11,901 AMERICA. 417 00:14:11,968 --> 00:14:14,500 THE SNITCHES AND BITCHES COUNTRY 418 00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:19,100 WE LIVE IN. 419 00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:20,376 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. 420 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,267 MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. 421 00:14:21,334 --> 00:14:23,434 [APPLAUSE] 422 00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:25,000 AND I BET YOU THE PERSON WHO'S 423 00:14:25,067 --> 00:14:26,601 DOING THE SCOLDING WAS 424 00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:27,801 PRO-CHOICE. 425 00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:29,434 AND I'M PRO-CHOICE. 426 00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,601 BUT I GET THE OTHER ARGUMENT. 427 00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:33,834 YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK A FETUS 428 00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:34,910 IS LIFE, BUT IT'S UNDENIABLY 429 00:14:34,934 --> 00:14:37,334 BECOMING A LIFE. 430 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,601 SO WHAT, YOU'RE OKAY WITH 431 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:39,234 KILLING IT, BUT NOT GETTING IT A 432 00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:40,667 LITTLE DRUNK? 433 00:14:40,734 --> 00:14:47,701 [LAUGHTER] 434 00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:48,367 YOU'RE OKAY. 435 00:14:48,434 --> 00:14:49,767 YOU'RE OKAY. 436 00:14:49,834 --> 00:14:53,534 [LAUGHTER] 437 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:54,200 [APPLAUSE] 438 00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:55,767 SO YES, LINCOLN SAID SOME RACIST 439 00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:57,234 THINGS. 440 00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,420 SO DID EVERY WHITE PERSON IN 441 00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:00,767 1860. 442 00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:02,634 COLUMBUS HAD SLAVES. 443 00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:05,033 SO DID EVERYONE IN 1492 WHO 444 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:07,300 COULD AFFORD IT, INCLUDING 445 00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:08,934 PEOPLE OF COLOR IN OTHER 446 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,701 PARTS OF THE WORLD. 447 00:15:11,767 --> 00:15:12,334 [APPLAUSE] 448 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,167 APPLAUSE FOR THAT? 449 00:15:16,234 --> 00:15:16,434 [LAUGHTER] 450 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,767 WHAT ARE WE APPLAUDING THERE? 451 00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,200 SLAVERY THAT PEOPLE OF... PEOPLE 452 00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:20,901 OF COLOR DID IT TOO. 453 00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:22,167 THAT'S... I'M GLAD THEY WERE 454 00:15:22,234 --> 00:15:23,500 REPRESENTED, SIR. 455 00:15:23,567 --> 00:15:26,100 I AGREE WITH YOU. 456 00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:27,400 NOT AN APPLAUSE BREAK, MY 457 00:15:27,467 --> 00:15:28,300 FRIEND, BUT... 458 00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:34,801 [LAUGHTER] 459 00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,334 YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD SLAVES? 460 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,367 EVERYONE IN THE BIBLE. 461 00:15:39,434 --> 00:15:40,734 EVERYONE IN THE BIBLE. 462 00:15:40,801 --> 00:15:42,701 SHOULD WE CANCEL GOD? 463 00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:50,767 [LAUGHTER] 464 00:15:51,234 --> 00:15:54,868 I HAVE TRIED. 465 00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:56,294 REALLY? AND THAT'S BOTH TESTAMENTS. 466 00:15:56,334 --> 00:15:56,934 YES, BOTH TESTAMENTS, MY 467 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,267 CHRISTIAN FRIENDS. 468 00:15:58,334 --> 00:15:59,934 [LAUGHTER] 469 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,300 BOTH TESTAMENTS HAVE LOTS OF 470 00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:03,133 RULES AND LAWS ABOUT SLAVERY, 471 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,376 AND NONE OF THEM ARE, DON'T DO 472 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,133 IT. 473 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,400 THAT NEVER CROSSED THEIR MIND. 474 00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:08,767 DON'T DO IT. 475 00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,400 THERE'S A LOT OF LAWS, LIKE IF A 476 00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:11,976 MAN KILLS YOUR SLAVE, YOU MAY KILL HIS SLAVE. 477 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,868 OKAY. 478 00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,934 THIS IS NOT A DEFENSE OF 479 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,400 SLAVERY. 480 00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:21,000 IT'S JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW, 481 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,076 WHATEVER AGE YOU LIVE IN, YOU 482 00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,140 WOULD BE THE SAME ASSHOLE. 483 00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,601 STOP FLATTERING YOURSELF THAT 484 00:16:25,667 --> 00:16:26,710 YOU'RE NOSTRADAMUS AND YOU WOULD 485 00:16:26,734 --> 00:16:27,810 HAVE KNOWN THINGS WERE WRONG AT 486 00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:28,767 A TIME WHEN NOBODY ELSE THOUGHT 487 00:16:28,834 --> 00:16:29,868 THAT. 488 00:16:29,934 --> 00:16:32,234 LIKE IF YOU WERE LIVING 500 489 00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:33,734 YEARS AGO, YOU'D BE LIKE, WELL, 490 00:16:33,801 --> 00:16:34,968 SLAVERY IS WRONG AND GAY AND 491 00:16:35,033 --> 00:16:36,100 TRANS PEOPLE SHOULD BE 492 00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:36,968 REPRESENTED IN ALL OF 493 00:16:37,033 --> 00:16:38,434 SHAKESPEARE'S PLAYS. 494 00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:42,500 [LAUGHTER] 495 00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:43,567 [APPLAUSE] SHUT UP. 496 00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:44,467 YOU'RE NOT BETTER. 497 00:16:44,534 --> 00:16:46,667 YOU JUST CAME LATER. 498 00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:48,267 YOU ARE THE iPHONE 11. 499 00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:51,133 [LAUGHTER] 500 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:55,567 I MEAN, YOU THINK IF YOU WERE 501 00:16:55,634 --> 00:16:56,334 AROUND IN THE 1980s YOU 502 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,601 WOULDN'T HAVE WORN THE SKINNY 503 00:16:57,667 --> 00:16:59,434 TIES AND THE JACKETS, JUST HUGE 504 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,434 SHOULDERS. 505 00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,109 AND OF COURSE, YOU WOULD KNOW, YOU'RE A GENIUS. 506 00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:03,901 YOU WOULD? 507 00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:10,500 I FORESEE THIS WILL LOOK DOUCHEY 508 00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:11,567 IN... NO. WE EVOLVED. 509 00:17:11,834 --> 00:17:12,667 I THOUGHT LIBERALS WERE THE ONES 510 00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:18,167 WHO BELIEVED IN EVOLUTION. 511 00:17:18,234 --> 00:17:23,133 YOU KNOW, ONE GUY, LOOK, IT'S 512 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,033 LIKE WHEN I SEE THESE 513 00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:25,767 DISCLAIMERS IN FRONT OF OLD 514 00:17:25,834 --> 00:17:26,834 MOVIES NOW. 515 00:17:26,868 --> 00:17:28,467 I DON'T NEED A DISCLAIMER TO 516 00:17:28,534 --> 00:17:30,400 PREPARE ME. 517 00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:31,968 IF HARRISON FORD LOOKS A LOT 518 00:17:32,033 --> 00:17:33,834 YOUNGER AND THEY'RE USING A 519 00:17:33,901 --> 00:17:39,267 PAYPHONE, TRIGGER WARNING, 520 00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:40,267 THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING SOME 521 00:17:40,334 --> 00:17:41,334 SHIT WE DON'T DO ANYMORE. 522 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,567 SO WHAT? 523 00:17:43,634 --> 00:17:45,400 I WATCHED THE BEATLES 524 00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:46,634 DOCUMENTARY AND JUST THE 525 00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:53,400 BEGINNING. 526 00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:54,987 "STRONG LANGUAGE AND SMOKING." SMOKING. 527 00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:56,443 OH, MY GOD. THANK YOU FOR WARNING ME. 528 00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,109 HERE TO WATCH THE BEATLES SMOKE IN 1969, GET ME A KLONOPIN. 529 00:17:58,133 --> 00:18:00,601 [LAUGHTER] 530 00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:01,667 YES. 531 00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:04,067 WE EVOLVE. 532 00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:05,067 I MEAN, IT'S IN... IT'S IN YOUR 533 00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:07,200 EVERYDAY LIFE. 534 00:18:07,267 --> 00:18:09,167 IT'S IN ALL MUSIC, YOU KNOW, 535 00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:12,100 LIKE EARLY ROCK AND ROLL, '50s, 536 00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:17,234 SHITTY MUSIC. 537 00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:17,500 [LAUGHTER] BUT I NEVER LIKED IT. 538 00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:20,076 BUT IT'S LIKE ALL ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH UNDERAGE GIRLS. 539 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:20,801 REALLY? 540 00:18:20,868 --> 00:18:22,734 EVERY SONG, SHE'S 13. 541 00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:24,801 SHE'S 16. 542 00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:26,667 YOU KNOW, SHE'S 14. 543 00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:28,267 AND THEN NOBODY GAVE A SHIT. 544 00:18:28,334 --> 00:18:30,567 AND IT WAS JUST WHAT PEOPLE DID. 545 00:18:30,634 --> 00:18:32,434 EVEN WHEN I STARTED LISTENING TO 546 00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:34,300 MUSIC IN THE LATE '60s, IT WAS 547 00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:38,634 I REMEMBER THERE WAS YOUNG 548 00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,934 GIRL, GET OUT OF MY MIND. 549 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,901 MY LOVE FOR YOU IS WAY OUT OF 550 00:18:42,968 --> 00:18:44,033 LINE. 551 00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:47,300 YES, WAY, WAY, WAY OUT OF LINE, 552 00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:48,434 AND YET I'M SINGING ABOUT 553 00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:49,500 IT. NO ONE CARES. 554 00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:51,033 NO ONE'S TAKING IT OFF THE 555 00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:52,868 RADIO. 556 00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:58,801 IT'S JUST WHAT THEY THOUGHT. 557 00:18:58,868 --> 00:19:00,167 '90s RAP IS ALL BITCHES AND 558 00:19:00,234 --> 00:19:01,400 HOES. 559 00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:08,000 IT HAS NOT AGED WELL IN THE 560 00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,187 #MeToo ERA. IT REALLY HASN'T. 561 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:10,577 BUT THAT'S JUST WHERE WE WERE. 562 00:19:10,601 --> 00:19:11,681 AND BY THE WAY, I WILL PLAY 563 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,467 WHOEVER I WANT TO PLAY. 564 00:19:13,534 --> 00:19:15,534 I'LL PLAY R. KELLY RIGHT NOW IN 565 00:19:15,601 --> 00:19:18,767 THE MIDDLE OF A COMEDY SHOW. 566 00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:24,000 THE MUSIC DIDN'T RAPE ANYBODY. 567 00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:30,334 [APPLAUSE] 568 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:36,934 STRANGE APPLAUSE BREAKS HERE. 569 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,834 I JUST... BECAUSE I CAN KEEP TWO 570 00:19:38,901 --> 00:19:39,467 THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD AT THE SAME 571 00:19:39,534 --> 00:19:40,868 TIME. 572 00:19:40,934 --> 00:19:42,367 YOU KNOW, "BEAT IT" IS STILL A 573 00:19:42,434 --> 00:19:44,467 GREAT RECORD. 574 00:19:44,534 --> 00:19:46,834 AND MICHAEL JACKSON WAS AN 575 00:19:46,901 --> 00:19:47,941 UNCONVENTIONAL BABYSITTER. 576 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:53,234 LET'S JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT. 577 00:19:53,300 --> 00:19:53,734 [LAUGHTER] 578 00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:58,300 [APPLAUSE] 579 00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:01,334 ALSO, YOU KNOW, WE'RE DOING 580 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,000 THINGS RIGHT NOW, ALL OF US, 581 00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:05,300 THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE 582 00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:07,133 PROBABLY NOT GOING TO LOOK 583 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,000 KINDLY ON A LOT OF THINGS WE DO 584 00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:10,334 NOW. 585 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:11,920 MURDERING ANIMALS IN THE WOODS FOR FUN. 586 00:20:11,968 --> 00:20:13,043 I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO LOOK 587 00:20:13,067 --> 00:20:13,701 GOOD IN THE FUTURE. 588 00:20:13,767 --> 00:20:15,033 [APPLAUSE] 589 00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,033 BOILING LOBSTERS ALIVE, AND 590 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:18,901 REGARDING THE BIBLE AS SOME 591 00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:21,534 GREAT FONT OF WISDOM TO SWEAR ON 592 00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:22,968 AND ROYALTY, YOUR HIGHNESS, THAT 593 00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:23,934 BULLSHIT I DON'T THINK IS GOING 594 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,634 TO LOOK GOOD. 595 00:20:25,701 --> 00:20:28,534 BEAUTY PAGEANTS, GET OUT HERE IN 596 00:20:28,601 --> 00:20:30,067 A BIKINI AND ANSWER A QUESTION 597 00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:35,234 ABOUT SYRIA, RIGHT NOW. 598 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:35,500 [LAUGHTER] 599 00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:40,767 IS THAT GOING TO LOOK GOOD? 600 00:20:40,834 --> 00:20:41,901 YOU KNOW. 601 00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:43,067 YOU KNOW WHAT? 602 00:20:43,133 --> 00:20:44,868 I THINK IT'S NOT GOING TO LOOK 603 00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:45,834 GOOD, THIS WHOLE IDEA OF LET'S 604 00:20:45,901 --> 00:20:51,267 ALL BE AMATEUR CAB DRIVERS. 605 00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:51,601 [LAUGHS] 606 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:52,901 I DON'T... I DON'T SEE THAT 607 00:20:52,968 --> 00:20:53,534 AGING WELL... I JUST... 608 00:20:53,601 --> 00:20:56,000 AND OF COURSE, THE ONE I'VE BEEN 609 00:20:56,067 --> 00:20:57,701 ROOTING AGAINST FOR THE LONGEST 610 00:20:57,767 --> 00:20:59,300 TIME, HOPING IT WOULD GO AWAY. 611 00:20:59,367 --> 00:21:00,534 IT NEVER GOES AWAY, TATTOOS? 612 00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:02,500 NEVER BEEN A FAN. 613 00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:03,500 [APPLAUSE] 614 00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:04,934 OH, GOOD. 615 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,801 SOME PEOPLE WITH ME ON THAT. 616 00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:09,400 YEAH. 617 00:21:09,467 --> 00:21:10,707 I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY, AND 618 00:21:10,734 --> 00:21:11,234 IT JUST HAS GOTTEN WORSE. 619 00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:13,133 IT'S LIKE A FUNGUS. 620 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,410 IT'S MOVING UP THE ARM, AND NOW 621 00:21:14,434 --> 00:21:15,334 IT'S... IT'S ON THE NECK. 622 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,234 IT'S GOING UP TO THE FACE. 623 00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:22,167 [LAUGHTER] 624 00:21:22,234 --> 00:21:24,534 IT'S THE... THE ONES IN WRITING 625 00:21:24,601 --> 00:21:25,734 TATTOO. 626 00:21:25,801 --> 00:21:26,567 THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT REALLY 627 00:21:26,634 --> 00:21:29,100 BUG ME. 628 00:21:29,167 --> 00:21:31,234 I'M ALWAYS LIKE, REALLY? 629 00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:35,100 YOU COULDN'T JUST REMEMBER THAT? 630 00:21:35,167 --> 00:21:35,367 [LAUGHTER] 631 00:21:35,434 --> 00:21:36,510 I MEAN, IT'S... IT'S FIVE WORDS. 632 00:21:36,534 --> 00:21:37,234 IT'S YOUR LIFE PHILOSOPHY. 633 00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:38,767 THERE ARE PEOPLE GOING AROUND, 634 00:21:38,834 --> 00:21:40,300 OH, BOY, IF I CAN ONLY REMEMBER 635 00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:43,100 WHAT MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE IS, I 636 00:21:43,167 --> 00:21:45,100 COULD GET OUT OF THIS JAM, BUT I 637 00:21:45,167 --> 00:21:51,267 JUST CAN'T, OH, YEAH. 638 00:21:51,334 --> 00:21:52,334 [LAUGHTER] THAT'S RIGHT. 639 00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:55,434 EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. 640 00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:56,510 I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING REALLY 641 00:21:56,534 --> 00:21:58,000 STUPID. 642 00:21:58,067 --> 00:22:01,801 [APPLAUSE] 643 00:22:01,868 --> 00:22:03,133 BUT OF COURSE, THAT'S ONLY IF 644 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,467 YOU HAVE... IF YOU HAVE THE 645 00:22:05,534 --> 00:22:07,500 TATTOO IN THE FRONT SOMEWHERE. 646 00:22:07,567 --> 00:22:10,067 WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO PUT THE 647 00:22:10,133 --> 00:22:10,400 TATTOOS BACK? 648 00:22:10,467 --> 00:22:17,133 WHAT ABOUT THAT POOR GUY? 649 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:17,400 [LAUGHTER] HE'S GOT TO GET A STRANGER TO 650 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,200 HELP. I'M SORRY. 651 00:22:19,367 --> 00:22:20,167 COULD YOU... SORRY TO BOTHER 652 00:22:20,234 --> 00:22:23,167 YOU, BUT MY LIFE PHILOSOPHY IS 653 00:22:23,234 --> 00:22:24,300 RIGHT ABOVE MY ASS CRACK. 654 00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:28,934 COULD YOU? 655 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:29,200 [LAUGHTER] IT WOULD BE SO HELPFUL IF YOU 656 00:22:29,901 --> 00:22:31,310 WOULD JUST TELL ME ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE. 657 00:22:31,334 --> 00:22:33,033 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 658 00:22:33,100 --> 00:22:34,367 THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME. 659 00:22:34,434 --> 00:22:36,033 I WILL. 660 00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:37,801 I'M SORRY. 661 00:22:37,868 --> 00:22:39,167 BEFORE YOU GO, MY KIDS BIRTH 662 00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:43,934 DATES ARE UNDER MY BALL SACK. 663 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:44,200 [LAUGHTER] WOULD YOU JUST... MARCH 12 AND 664 00:22:44,868 --> 00:22:46,234 DECEMBER 13. 665 00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:46,968 I KNEW THAT. 666 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:50,133 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 667 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,200 I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT. 668 00:22:52,267 --> 00:22:54,100 I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT WHOLE, 669 00:22:54,167 --> 00:22:55,210 YOU KNOW, WE DO THIS TO REMIND 670 00:22:55,234 --> 00:22:56,410 US THING THAT PEOPLE DO WITH A 671 00:22:56,434 --> 00:22:58,234 LOT OF RELIGION. 672 00:22:58,300 --> 00:22:59,376 OF COURSE, THE NUMBER ONE THING 673 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,334 THAT DOES THIS, YOU KNOW, WE... 674 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,567 WE WEAR THESE FUZZY HATS 675 00:23:03,634 --> 00:23:05,067 IN THE SUMMER TO REMIND US WHAT 676 00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:07,133 THAT'S HOT. 677 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,667 YOU KNOW, THERE'S A CHRISTIAN 678 00:23:09,734 --> 00:23:10,743 SECT CALLED CATHOLICS, I GUESS, 679 00:23:10,767 --> 00:23:11,601 OPUS DEI. 680 00:23:11,667 --> 00:23:13,334 YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE THEY 681 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,968 LIKE, THEY WEAR A SPIKED METAL 682 00:23:16,033 --> 00:23:18,267 CLAMP AROUND THEIR THIGH ALL DAY 683 00:23:18,334 --> 00:23:19,476 DIGGING INTO YOU TILL YOU DON'T 684 00:23:19,500 --> 00:23:20,634 FORGET ABOUT GOD. 685 00:23:20,701 --> 00:23:24,667 HE'S DIGGING INTO YOU. 686 00:23:24,734 --> 00:23:24,934 [LAUGHTER] DIG IT. 687 00:23:25,434 --> 00:23:27,210 DON'T FORGET HIM FOR ONE SECOND. HE'S DIGGING. 688 00:23:27,234 --> 00:23:27,968 THERE'S GOT TO BE AN EASIER WAY, 689 00:23:28,033 --> 00:23:29,300 PEOPLE. 690 00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:30,607 I MEAN, HERE'S MY SUGGESTION TO 691 00:23:30,667 --> 00:23:31,834 RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. 692 00:23:31,901 --> 00:23:32,968 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO? 693 00:23:33,033 --> 00:23:38,901 EAT BEANS. 694 00:23:38,968 --> 00:23:39,167 [LAUGHTER] 695 00:23:39,234 --> 00:23:40,934 EAT BEANS AT EVERY MEAL AND LET 696 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,033 FARTING BE WHAT REMINDS YOU OF 697 00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:46,567 GOD, YOU KNOW, IT'S PERFECT. 698 00:23:46,634 --> 00:23:48,300 OH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT, GOD. 699 00:23:48,367 --> 00:23:49,667 AND IT'S BETTER THAN THE HAT OR 700 00:23:49,734 --> 00:23:53,400 THE CLAMP OR THESE THINGS, 701 00:23:53,467 --> 00:23:54,710 BECAUSE THOSE ARE... YOU FORGET ABOUT THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE 702 00:23:54,734 --> 00:23:56,134 ALWAYS THERE. THIS IS LIKE AN ALERT. 703 00:23:56,334 --> 00:23:57,133 YOU KNOW, YOU JUST YOU DON'T 704 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,310 KNOW EXACTLY WHEN IT'S COMING 705 00:23:58,334 --> 00:23:59,601 AND YOU'RE JUST FORGETTING 706 00:23:59,667 --> 00:24:02,667 ABOUT GOD AND THE OH, THAT'S 707 00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:03,300 RIGHT, GOD. 708 00:24:03,367 --> 00:24:08,467 THANK YOU, ASS. 709 00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:08,734 [LAUGHTER] 710 00:24:08,801 --> 00:24:10,500 BUT LOOK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE 711 00:24:10,567 --> 00:24:11,500 TO MAKE FUN OF RELIGION. 712 00:24:11,567 --> 00:24:16,500 I... 713 00:24:16,567 --> 00:24:18,200 [LAUGHTER] 714 00:24:18,267 --> 00:24:19,543 ME? OH, I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING ME 715 00:24:19,567 --> 00:24:21,067 WITH ANOTHER COMEDIAN. 716 00:24:21,133 --> 00:24:22,634 BUT NO, I HAVE MADE RELIGION A 717 00:24:22,701 --> 00:24:24,434 THEME OF MY CAREER, ALTHOUGH I 718 00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:26,434 WOULD HARDLY SAY I'M NOT AN 719 00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,033 EXPERT IN CHRISTIANITY. 720 00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:30,500 I'M NOT AN EXPERT IN ISLAM. 721 00:24:30,567 --> 00:24:33,000 I'M NOT AN EXPERT IN JUDAISM. 722 00:24:33,067 --> 00:24:33,667 ALTHOUGH I TRY NEVER TO PAY 723 00:24:33,734 --> 00:24:35,500 RETAIL. 724 00:24:35,567 --> 00:24:40,567 [LAUGHTER] 725 00:24:40,634 --> 00:24:42,334 BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, ALL THESE 726 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,701 YEARS MAKING FUN OF RELIGION, I 727 00:24:44,767 --> 00:24:46,500 KIND OF HAD IT WRONG BECAUSE I 728 00:24:46,567 --> 00:24:48,167 ALWAYS WAS ASKING THE QUESTION, 729 00:24:48,234 --> 00:24:50,968 HOW CAN OTHERWISE INTELLIGENT 730 00:24:51,033 --> 00:24:53,634 PEOPLE LIKE WALL OFF A PART OF 731 00:24:53,701 --> 00:24:55,634 THEIR MIND AND BELIEVE STUFF 732 00:24:55,701 --> 00:25:00,234 THAT THEY MUST KNOW IN THE OTHER 733 00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:01,677 PART OF THEIR MIND IS NONSENSE? AND I DIDN'T GET IT, FAITH. 734 00:25:01,701 --> 00:25:03,000 IT'S NOT A BUG, IT'S A FEATURE. 735 00:25:03,067 --> 00:25:04,868 THEY LIKE THAT. 736 00:25:04,934 --> 00:25:06,868 THE STUPIDER IT IS, THE BETTER, 737 00:25:06,934 --> 00:25:08,234 BECAUSE THAT PROVES THEIR FAITH 738 00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:08,934 AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL 739 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:10,968 GOOD. 740 00:25:11,033 --> 00:25:12,834 THAT'S WHY AMERICANS, YOU KNOW 741 00:25:12,901 --> 00:25:14,234 WHO THEY LOVE IN THE BIBLE OF 742 00:25:14,300 --> 00:25:15,200 ALL THE BIBLE CHARACTERS THE 743 00:25:15,267 --> 00:25:17,767 MOST, NOAH. 744 00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:21,133 AMERICANS LOVE THEM SOME NOAH 745 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:21,667 BECAUSE... BECAUSE HE'S A 746 00:25:21,734 --> 00:25:23,500 MAN OF FAITH. 747 00:25:23,567 --> 00:25:26,434 BECAUSE HE IS GIVEN AN ORDER BY 748 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:27,580 GOD, GOD SAYS, I'M GOING TO 749 00:25:27,634 --> 00:25:29,434 FUCKING KILL EVERYTHING IN THIS 750 00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:32,701 PLANET. 751 00:25:32,767 --> 00:25:33,877 [LAUGHTER] I'M GOING TO DROWN EVERY LAST 752 00:25:33,901 --> 00:25:36,100 ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. 753 00:25:36,167 --> 00:25:37,701 AND NOAH DOES NOT SAY, THAT'S A 754 00:25:37,767 --> 00:25:41,300 TERRIBLE IDEA. 755 00:25:41,367 --> 00:25:41,567 [LAUGHTER] THAT'S... NO. 756 00:25:42,133 --> 00:25:43,733 NOAH'S LIKE, I'M ON IT, BOSS. GREAT IDEA. 757 00:25:43,901 --> 00:25:45,101 LET'S BUILD A BOAT. YOU GOT IT. 758 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:46,968 40 CUBITS. 759 00:25:47,033 --> 00:25:47,767 I AM ON MY WAY TO HOME DEPOT 760 00:25:47,834 --> 00:25:51,300 RIGHT NOW, SIR. 761 00:25:51,367 --> 00:25:51,567 [LAUGHTER] 762 00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,300 I'M... YOU KNOW... HE JUST... 763 00:25:53,367 --> 00:25:54,701 [LAUGHTER] 764 00:25:54,767 --> 00:25:55,901 AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST 765 00:25:55,968 --> 00:25:57,328 FUCKED UP PART OF THAT BIBLE STORY. 766 00:25:57,801 --> 00:25:58,267 STORY. 767 00:25:58,334 --> 00:26:01,801 IT'S IN THE BIBLE. 768 00:26:01,868 --> 00:26:05,934 THE MOST FUCKED UP PART IS AFTER 769 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,367 THE FLOOD, GOD TALKS TO NOAH 770 00:26:07,434 --> 00:26:10,234 AGAIN, THIS TIME BECAUSE HE 771 00:26:10,300 --> 00:26:11,620 FEELS BAD ABOUT KILLING EVERYBODY. 772 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,601 [LAUGHTER] 773 00:26:15,667 --> 00:26:17,701 SO GOD IS THIS ORB OF PERFECT 774 00:26:17,767 --> 00:26:19,234 ENERGY, THE SUPER UBER RULER OF 775 00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:20,734 THE UNIVERSE. 776 00:26:20,801 --> 00:26:21,534 BUT HE FEELS LIKE SHIT WHEN HE 777 00:26:21,601 --> 00:26:23,834 FUCKS UP. 778 00:26:23,901 --> 00:26:25,200 THIS IS SO INTERESTING, AND WE 779 00:26:25,267 --> 00:26:26,834 KNOW HE DOES FEEL THIS WAY 780 00:26:26,901 --> 00:26:28,934 BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS THIS WAS 781 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,210 THE MOMENT THAT GOD CREATED THE 782 00:26:30,234 --> 00:26:32,868 RAINBOW. 783 00:26:32,934 --> 00:26:35,434 BEFORE THIS, NO RAINBOWS. 784 00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:37,634 GOD CREATED THE RAINBOW AS A 785 00:26:37,701 --> 00:26:39,701 GIFT TO NOAH, A SYMPATHY 786 00:26:39,767 --> 00:26:41,601 PRESENT, A KIND OF A... I'M NOT 787 00:26:41,667 --> 00:26:42,987 MAKING... LOOK, IT'S IN THE BIBLE. 788 00:26:43,500 --> 00:26:44,601 I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP. 789 00:26:44,667 --> 00:26:46,300 HE FELT BAD. 790 00:26:46,367 --> 00:26:47,476 HE WAS LIKE, NOAH, I FEEL LIKE 791 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:48,500 I'M SUCH A DICK. 792 00:26:48,534 --> 00:26:52,701 THAT WAS SUCH A DICK MOVE. 793 00:26:52,767 --> 00:26:52,968 [LAUGHTER] I... I DROWNED BABIES. 794 00:26:53,534 --> 00:26:54,167 DIDN'T I? 795 00:26:54,234 --> 00:26:56,234 I DROWNED BABIES. 796 00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:57,334 I... I SHOULDN'T DRINK. 797 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,267 THAT'S WHAT IT IS. 798 00:27:00,334 --> 00:27:00,534 [LAUGHTER] I SHOULDN'T DRINK. 799 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,677 I'M A NICE GOD. AND THEN I TURN INTO THIS 800 00:27:02,701 --> 00:27:04,868 ASSHOLE. 801 00:27:04,934 --> 00:27:06,234 ANYWAY, I FEEL TERRIBLE. 802 00:27:06,300 --> 00:27:09,200 I GOT YOU SOMETHING. 803 00:27:09,267 --> 00:27:09,801 BRING IT IN, FELLAS. 804 00:27:09,868 --> 00:27:11,734 YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS. 805 00:27:11,801 --> 00:27:12,300 IT'S... I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS 806 00:27:12,367 --> 00:27:13,467 BEFORE. 807 00:27:13,534 --> 00:27:16,167 TILT IT. 808 00:27:16,234 --> 00:27:17,868 IT'S A... TILT IT... IS THAT 809 00:27:17,934 --> 00:27:19,033 GORGEOUS? 810 00:27:19,100 --> 00:27:21,567 THAT'S A RAINBOW. 811 00:27:21,634 --> 00:27:22,743 [LAUGHTER] THAT IS A RAINBOW. 812 00:27:22,767 --> 00:27:24,476 YOU'RE GOING TO... IT'S GOING TO MAKE THIS PLACE POP. 813 00:27:24,500 --> 00:27:25,267 YOU WERE GOING TO LOVE THIS 814 00:27:25,334 --> 00:27:26,734 THING. 815 00:27:26,801 --> 00:27:27,961 JUST NO... LET ME... I... LET 816 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:28,601 ME DO IT. 817 00:27:28,667 --> 00:27:30,534 I FEEL TERRIBLE. 818 00:27:30,601 --> 00:27:32,167 IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, ENJOY, 819 00:27:32,234 --> 00:27:34,033 ENJOY, ENJOY, JUST DON'T DO 820 00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:38,801 ANYTHING GAY WITH IT. 821 00:27:38,868 --> 00:27:39,567 [LAUGHTER] 822 00:27:39,634 --> 00:27:41,000 THAT'S... 823 00:27:41,067 --> 00:27:41,667 [LAUGHTER] 824 00:27:41,734 --> 00:27:43,968 OH, WE KID. 825 00:27:44,033 --> 00:27:44,734 WE KID RELIGION IN A GOOD 826 00:27:44,801 --> 00:27:47,434 NATUREDLY WAY. 827 00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:48,434 NO. 828 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:49,577 YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARY THING 829 00:27:49,601 --> 00:27:50,801 ABOUT RELIGION THESE DAYS 830 00:27:50,868 --> 00:27:52,567 IS THAT IT'S SORT OF LIKE 831 00:27:52,634 --> 00:27:54,701 CROSS-POLLINATING WITH POLITICS, 832 00:27:54,767 --> 00:27:56,267 LIKE, THAT'S WHAT QANON IS, 833 00:27:56,334 --> 00:27:57,734 RIGHT? 834 00:27:57,801 --> 00:27:59,033 ANY QANON PEOPLE HERE? 835 00:27:59,100 --> 00:28:01,267 YOU'RE WELCOME, AND... OH, SHIT. 836 00:28:01,334 --> 00:28:04,567 [LAUGHTER] 837 00:28:04,634 --> 00:28:06,167 OKAY. 838 00:28:06,234 --> 00:28:07,367 NO, NO. 839 00:28:07,434 --> 00:28:09,100 EVERYONE IS WELCOME AT MY SHOW. 840 00:28:09,167 --> 00:28:10,601 THAT'S ONE OF MY BIG THEMES. 841 00:28:10,667 --> 00:28:12,100 EVERYONE IS WELCOME, INCLUDING 842 00:28:12,167 --> 00:28:16,367 QANON PEOPLE. 843 00:28:16,434 --> 00:28:17,901 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 844 00:28:17,968 --> 00:28:19,410 WE DO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A CONSPIRACY THEORY PROBLEM IN 845 00:28:19,434 --> 00:28:20,467 THIS COUNTRY. 846 00:28:20,534 --> 00:28:22,968 AND I'LL TELL YOU WHO DID NOT 847 00:28:23,033 --> 00:28:24,300 HELP WITH THAT WAS THAT GUY, 848 00:28:24,367 --> 00:28:26,701 JEFFREY EPSTEIN, I THINK, USED 849 00:28:26,767 --> 00:28:28,767 TO LIVE HERE IN THIS AREA. 850 00:28:28,834 --> 00:28:30,968 [LAUGHTER] 851 00:28:31,033 --> 00:28:32,467 YOU KNOW, BECAUSE BY RUNNING A 852 00:28:32,534 --> 00:28:34,033 PEDOPHILE RING FOR THE WORLD'S 853 00:28:34,100 --> 00:28:37,767 ELITE, IT JUST YOU KNOW, IT JUST 854 00:28:37,834 --> 00:28:38,944 LOOKED BAD TO THE PEOPLE... TO 855 00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:43,167 THE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THAT 856 00:28:43,234 --> 00:28:44,376 MAYBE THE WORLD'S ELITE, YOU KNOW, WE'RE RUNNING A 857 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:48,400 PEDOPHILE RING. 858 00:28:48,467 --> 00:28:48,667 [LAUGHTER] I'M JUST... I'M NOT SAYING 859 00:28:49,434 --> 00:28:50,643 THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING ON. IT JUST LOOKED BAD. 860 00:28:50,667 --> 00:28:51,901 BUT CAN YOU... CAN YOU BLAME 861 00:28:51,968 --> 00:28:53,634 AMERICANS, YOU KNOW, FOR BEING 862 00:28:53,701 --> 00:28:56,133 TURNED OFF TO POLITICS? 863 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:58,267 I MEAN, HALF THE COUNTRY THINKS 864 00:28:58,334 --> 00:29:02,400 THAT THE OPPOSITION PARTY EATS 865 00:29:02,467 --> 00:29:03,710 BABIES, AND THE OTHER HALF WANTS 866 00:29:03,734 --> 00:29:09,467 TO CANCEL DR. SEUSS. 867 00:29:09,534 --> 00:29:09,734 [LAUGHTER] 868 00:29:09,801 --> 00:29:10,841 YOU KNOW, WHERE DO YOU GO? 869 00:29:10,868 --> 00:29:11,767 AND LOOK, I WORRY ABOUT THE 870 00:29:11,834 --> 00:29:13,133 DEMOCRATS BECAUSE THE SHIT THAT 871 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:14,434 THEY DO THAT PISSES OFF VOTERS 872 00:29:14,500 --> 00:29:17,067 STRIKES A LOT CLOSER TO HOME. 873 00:29:17,133 --> 00:29:18,934 YOU KNOW, YOU HEARD ME. 874 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,400 I HAPPEN TO THINK THE TWO 875 00:29:21,467 --> 00:29:22,834 BIGGEST ISSUES OF OUR TIME ARE 876 00:29:22,901 --> 00:29:24,400 THE ENVIRONMENT AND DEMOCRACY. 877 00:29:24,467 --> 00:29:26,067 BUT... 878 00:29:26,133 --> 00:29:29,400 [APPLAUSE] 879 00:29:29,467 --> 00:29:30,367 GOOD. 880 00:29:30,434 --> 00:29:32,567 I'M GLAD I'M NOT ALONE. 881 00:29:32,634 --> 00:29:33,434 BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE 882 00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:34,868 KIDS. 883 00:29:34,934 --> 00:29:36,634 TO A LOT OF KIDS, TO A LOT OF 884 00:29:36,701 --> 00:29:38,667 PEOPLE, RATHER, IT'S KIDS AND 885 00:29:38,734 --> 00:29:40,400 SCHOOLS. 886 00:29:40,467 --> 00:29:42,167 I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY. 887 00:29:42,234 --> 00:29:43,667 BROUGHT IT HOME TO ME, I WAS 888 00:29:43,734 --> 00:29:46,200 CATCHING UP WITH THIS OLD FRIEND 889 00:29:46,267 --> 00:29:47,200 OF MINE RECENTLY, AND SHE HAS A 890 00:29:47,267 --> 00:29:49,434 SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER NOW. 891 00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:50,834 AND FOR SOME REASON I WAS 892 00:29:50,901 --> 00:29:53,434 TELLING HER ABOUT THE TIME WHEN 893 00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:54,400 I WAS SEVEN AND I WAS SITTING IN 894 00:29:54,467 --> 00:29:55,968 MY FIRST GRADE CLASS AND MY 895 00:29:56,033 --> 00:29:56,767 FATHER SUDDENLY APPEARED AT THE 896 00:29:56,834 --> 00:29:58,167 FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM. 897 00:29:58,234 --> 00:29:59,100 I WAS LIKE, WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK 898 00:29:59,167 --> 00:30:00,167 IS HE DOING HERE? 899 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:01,200 [LAUGHTER] WHAT... 900 00:30:01,767 --> 00:30:03,167 BUT HE WAS THERE TO TAKE ME OUT 901 00:30:03,234 --> 00:30:04,167 OF SCHOOL TO GO TO MY FIRST 902 00:30:04,234 --> 00:30:05,367 BASEBALL GAME. 903 00:30:05,434 --> 00:30:06,033 YEAH, I KNOW. 904 00:30:06,100 --> 00:30:08,267 IT WAS A GREAT MEMORY. 905 00:30:08,334 --> 00:30:09,443 AND SHE SAID TO ME, OH, COULDN'T 906 00:30:09,467 --> 00:30:10,467 DO THAT. 907 00:30:10,500 --> 00:30:11,510 I WAS LIKE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 908 00:30:11,534 --> 00:30:12,610 SHE SAID, I CAN'T JUST WALK INTO 909 00:30:12,634 --> 00:30:13,434 MY SCHOOL. 910 00:30:13,500 --> 00:30:14,567 WHAT? 911 00:30:14,634 --> 00:30:15,934 SHE SAID, NO, YOU HAVE TO CALL 912 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,243 UP, MAKE AN APPOINTMENT, TALK TO 913 00:30:17,267 --> 00:30:20,100 THE PERSON, PROVIDE A REASON FOR 914 00:30:20,167 --> 00:30:23,200 YOUR OWN KID, HOW ABOUT SHE 915 00:30:23,267 --> 00:30:25,234 CRAWLED OUT OF MY VAGINA AS A... 916 00:30:25,300 --> 00:30:26,467 [LAUGHTER] 917 00:30:26,534 --> 00:30:30,067 HOW ABOUT THAT REASON? 918 00:30:30,133 --> 00:30:31,367 [APPLAUSE] 919 00:30:31,434 --> 00:30:32,534 I MEAN, THERE ARE PEOPLE IN 920 00:30:32,601 --> 00:30:33,467 CALIFORNIA WHO WANT TO REMOVE 921 00:30:33,534 --> 00:30:34,734 SEX COMPLETELY FROM THE BIRTH 922 00:30:34,801 --> 00:30:37,434 CERTIFICATE. 923 00:30:37,500 --> 00:30:39,701 YOU DIDN'T HAVE A BOY. 924 00:30:39,767 --> 00:30:41,367 YOU HAD A HUMAN WITH A PENIS. 925 00:30:41,434 --> 00:30:43,467 WHETHER THAT'S A BOY IS... AT 926 00:30:43,534 --> 00:30:47,968 BEST, A MAYBE. 927 00:30:48,033 --> 00:30:48,234 [LAUGHTER] LET'S WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE THREE 928 00:30:48,901 --> 00:30:54,334 AND LET THEM DECIDE FOR 929 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:55,400 THEYSELF. [LAUGHTER] 930 00:30:55,868 --> 00:30:57,410 I MEAN, MARIO LOPEZ WAS ALMOST CANCELED FOR QUESTIONING THE 931 00:30:57,434 --> 00:30:58,601 WISDOM OF LETTING THREE YEAR 932 00:30:58,667 --> 00:31:00,767 OLDS DECIDE THEIR GENDER. 933 00:31:00,834 --> 00:31:03,834 HERE'S A CRAZY IDEA. 934 00:31:03,901 --> 00:31:05,801 MAYBE... MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T LET 935 00:31:05,868 --> 00:31:07,968 KIDS MAKE BIG LIFE DECISIONS 936 00:31:08,033 --> 00:31:09,313 WHILE WE STILL HAVE TO MAKE CHOO 937 00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:10,200 CHOO NOISES TO GET THE FOOD IN 938 00:31:10,267 --> 00:31:13,467 THEIR MOUTH. 939 00:31:13,534 --> 00:31:15,367 [APPLAUSE] 940 00:31:15,434 --> 00:31:16,443 DEMOCRATS JUST STOP BEING THE 941 00:31:16,467 --> 00:31:21,467 PARTY OF NO COMMON SENSE. 942 00:31:21,534 --> 00:31:23,968 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 943 00:31:24,033 --> 00:31:25,300 BERNIE SANDERS CAME OUT FOR THE 944 00:31:25,367 --> 00:31:26,801 BOSTON MARATHON BOMBER TO HAVE 945 00:31:26,868 --> 00:31:27,868 THE RIGHT TO VOTE. OKAY. 946 00:31:28,667 --> 00:31:30,934 I CAN'T GO WITH YOU THERE. 947 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,834 JULIAN CASTRO SAID TRANSWOMEN 948 00:31:33,901 --> 00:31:34,400 SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN 949 00:31:34,467 --> 00:31:36,767 ABORTION. 950 00:31:36,834 --> 00:31:40,701 OKAY. 951 00:31:40,767 --> 00:31:40,968 [LAUGHTER] 952 00:31:41,033 --> 00:31:42,243 WELL, THEY DON'T HAVE A UTERUS. 953 00:31:42,267 --> 00:31:43,067 THAT'S GOING TO BE TRY SELLING 954 00:31:43,133 --> 00:31:44,567 THAT IN THE RED STATES. 955 00:31:44,634 --> 00:31:46,601 IF A MAN IDENTIFIES AS A WOMAN, 956 00:31:46,667 --> 00:31:48,100 WE STAND WITH HER RIGHT NOT ONLY 957 00:31:48,167 --> 00:31:49,467 TO IMAGINE THAT SHE'S PREGNANT. 958 00:31:49,534 --> 00:31:52,934 [LAUGHTER] 959 00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:54,834 BUT TO ABORT THAT IMAGINARY 960 00:31:54,901 --> 00:31:56,400 CHILD BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING 961 00:31:56,467 --> 00:31:57,534 SADDER THAN AN UNWANTED 962 00:31:57,601 --> 00:32:02,634 IMAGINARY CHILD. 963 00:32:02,701 --> 00:32:02,901 [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] 964 00:32:03,500 --> 00:32:04,400 WHAT'S THAT? 965 00:32:04,467 --> 00:32:08,767 WE LOST AGAIN? 966 00:32:08,834 --> 00:32:10,043 FUCK. I MEAN, THIS ALWAYS COMES FROM A 967 00:32:10,067 --> 00:32:10,567 GOOD PLACE WITH LIBERALS, I 968 00:32:10,634 --> 00:32:11,734 THINK. 969 00:32:11,801 --> 00:32:12,534 YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I'M SURE THE 970 00:32:12,601 --> 00:32:13,901 WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF 971 00:32:13,968 --> 00:32:14,868 WE HAD A WICCAN ON THE SUPREME 972 00:32:14,934 --> 00:32:19,734 COURT AND... 973 00:32:19,801 --> 00:32:20,100 [LAUGHTER] 974 00:32:20,167 --> 00:32:22,334 GAY SEX SATURDAYS AND UNIVERSAL 975 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,400 HOT YOGA AND CARBON NEUTRAL BABY 976 00:32:25,467 --> 00:32:29,000 CHANGING STATIONS. 977 00:32:29,067 --> 00:32:30,307 BUT AFTER A WHILE, PEOPLE JUST, 978 00:32:30,367 --> 00:32:30,801 YOU KNOW, YOU COULD JUST 979 00:32:30,868 --> 00:32:32,567 SATURATE THEM. 980 00:32:32,634 --> 00:32:34,601 EVERY TIME THE... EVERY TIME THE 981 00:32:34,667 --> 00:32:36,200 DEMOCRATS LOSE AN ELECTION, THEY 982 00:32:36,267 --> 00:32:36,834 ALWAYS SAY, WELL, WE DIDN'T GET 983 00:32:36,901 --> 00:32:38,133 OUR MESSAGE OUT. 984 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,801 NO, YOU DID. 985 00:32:41,868 --> 00:32:42,067 [LAUGHTER] THAT'S THE PROBLEM. 986 00:32:42,868 --> 00:32:43,367 YOU DID. 987 00:32:43,434 --> 00:32:45,067 [APPLAUSE] 988 00:32:45,133 --> 00:32:46,868 AND THE MESSAGE IS WE NEVER 989 00:32:46,934 --> 00:32:48,601 STAND UP TO THE PEOPLE WHO WAKE 990 00:32:48,667 --> 00:32:50,400 UP OFFENDED AND LIVE ON TWITTER 991 00:32:50,467 --> 00:32:51,367 AND... 992 00:32:51,434 --> 00:32:57,434 [APPLAUSE] 993 00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:00,067 AND AMERICA IS NOT TWITTER. 994 00:33:00,133 --> 00:33:01,573 THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED THAT LESSON YET. 995 00:33:01,701 --> 00:33:02,234 I DON'T EVEN FUCK WITH TWITTER 996 00:33:02,300 --> 00:33:07,767 ANYMORE. 997 00:33:07,834 --> 00:33:09,801 I MEAN, WHY? 998 00:33:09,868 --> 00:33:11,243 I COULD TWEET GOOD MORNING. AND THE FIRST TEN RESPONSES 999 00:33:11,267 --> 00:33:12,510 WOULD BE, WELL, I'M SURE EVERY MORNING IS GOOD FOR YOU WITH 1000 00:33:12,534 --> 00:33:13,767 YOUR WHITE PRIVILEGE. 1001 00:33:13,834 --> 00:33:16,000 [LAUGHTER] 1002 00:33:16,067 --> 00:33:16,934 OKAY. 1003 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,334 I CAN'T. 1004 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:21,234 AND YOU KNOW, THAT IS NOT 1005 00:33:21,300 --> 00:33:23,334 LIBERALISM. 1006 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:24,934 LIBERALISM IS LIFTING UP THOSE 1007 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:25,734 WHO HAVE BEEN FORGOTTEN AND 1008 00:33:25,801 --> 00:33:28,467 FORSAKEN. 1009 00:33:28,534 --> 00:33:29,534 [APPLAUSE] 1010 00:33:29,567 --> 00:33:30,267 THIS THAT'S NOT... IT'S NOT 1011 00:33:30,334 --> 00:33:32,200 BEING PETTY AND SCOLDING AND 1012 00:33:32,267 --> 00:33:34,167 VIRTUE SIGNALING. 1013 00:33:34,234 --> 00:33:35,100 TRUST ME, FOLKS, I HAVEN'T 1014 00:33:35,167 --> 00:33:36,334 CHANGED. 1015 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:38,701 I REALLY HAVEN'T. 1016 00:33:38,767 --> 00:33:40,047 I AM STILL THE SAME POT-SMOKING, 1017 00:33:40,100 --> 00:33:41,340 CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED, LIBERTINE 1018 00:33:41,367 --> 00:33:43,067 I ALWAYS WAS. 1019 00:33:43,133 --> 00:33:48,367 [APPLAUSE] 1020 00:33:48,434 --> 00:33:49,534 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1021 00:33:49,601 --> 00:33:50,801 I HAVE MANY FLAWS, BUT YOU 1022 00:33:50,868 --> 00:33:55,234 CANNOT ACCUSE ME OF MATURING. 1023 00:33:55,300 --> 00:33:56,300 [LAUGHTER] NOT... 1024 00:33:56,334 --> 00:33:58,100 NOT THAT THERE AREN'T SNOWFLAKES 1025 00:33:58,167 --> 00:33:59,400 ON THE RIGHT. 1026 00:33:59,467 --> 00:34:01,100 ALSO, BECAUSE THERE ARE WHO'S A 1027 00:34:01,167 --> 00:34:03,734 BIGGER CRYBABY COMPLAINER THAN 1028 00:34:03,801 --> 00:34:05,100 DONALD TRUMP? 1029 00:34:05,167 --> 00:34:05,667 BUT... 1030 00:34:05,734 --> 00:34:07,901 [APPLAUSE] 1031 00:34:07,968 --> 00:34:10,234 BUT YOU KNOW, THE DRIP, DRIP, 1032 00:34:10,300 --> 00:34:14,100 DRIP ON YOUR NEWS FEED OF CRAZY 1033 00:34:14,167 --> 00:34:22,100 SHIT, PETTY, JUDGY CANCEL 1034 00:34:22,167 --> 00:34:23,910 CULTURE SHIT DOES SEEM TO HANG MORE ON THE LEFT. 1035 00:34:23,934 --> 00:34:25,254 AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TIRED OF THIS. 1036 00:34:25,467 --> 00:34:27,210 THEY'RE TIRED OF FEARING THAT IF THEY MAKE ONE MISTAKE IN THEIR 1037 00:34:27,234 --> 00:34:29,009 LIFE, INCLUDING IN THEIR PAST, IT MIGHT NEVER BE FORGIVEN. 1038 00:34:29,033 --> 00:34:30,610 AND THEY'VE COME TO REALLY HATE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. 1039 00:34:30,634 --> 00:34:31,643 SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE DONE A SHOW 1040 00:34:31,667 --> 00:34:36,167 ABOUT THAT YEARS AGO. 1041 00:34:36,234 --> 00:34:37,234 [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] 1042 00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:38,167 THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT 1043 00:34:38,234 --> 00:34:40,400 IDEA. 1044 00:34:40,467 --> 00:34:41,934 GENDER MAY NOT BE BINARY, BUT 1045 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,434 POLITICS IS. 1046 00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:46,100 YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS COULD WIN 1047 00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:47,567 EVERY ELECTION SO EASILY IF THEY 1048 00:34:47,634 --> 00:34:49,133 WOULD JUST STICK TO THE MEAT AND 1049 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:50,934 POTATOES, JUST STICK TO MINIMUM 1050 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:52,400 WAGE, HEALTH CARE, EDUCATION, 1051 00:34:52,467 --> 00:34:54,334 ENVIRONMENT. 1052 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:55,300 [APPLAUSE] 1053 00:34:55,367 --> 00:34:56,667 YOU'LL REALLY... 1054 00:34:56,734 --> 00:34:58,567 STAY OUT OF THE... STAY OUT OF 1055 00:34:58,634 --> 00:35:00,067 THE BULLSHIT THAT GETS ON SOCIAL 1056 00:35:00,133 --> 00:35:01,310 MEDIA BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE 1057 00:35:01,334 --> 00:35:02,868 SEE. 1058 00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:04,367 BECAUSE, TRUST ME, THE AMERICAN 1059 00:35:04,434 --> 00:35:06,043 PEOPLE DON'T FOLLOW POLITICS THAT CLOSELY. 1060 00:35:06,067 --> 00:35:06,767 THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS 1061 00:35:06,834 --> 00:35:08,000 GOING ON. 1062 00:35:08,067 --> 00:35:09,109 YOU'RE A SOPHISTICATED AUDIENCE. 1063 00:35:09,133 --> 00:35:11,000 YOU CAME TO THIS SHOW. 1064 00:35:11,067 --> 00:35:12,343 YOU COULD HAVE BEEN... YOU COULD 1065 00:35:12,367 --> 00:35:14,176 HAVE WATCHED FUCKING DOLPHINS OR SOMETHING TONIGHT, BUT YOU CAME 1066 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:17,133 HERE. 1067 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:18,243 [LAUGHTER] THAT'S NOT MOST PEOPLE. 1068 00:35:18,267 --> 00:35:19,367 MOST PEOPLE... THEY HAVE. 1069 00:35:19,434 --> 00:35:20,543 FIRST OF ALL, THEY HAVE NO IDEA 1070 00:35:20,567 --> 00:35:22,934 WHAT'S IN THE BUDGET. 1071 00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,100 YOU KNOW WHAT AMERICA SPENDS 1072 00:35:25,167 --> 00:35:25,834 MONEY ON? 1073 00:35:25,901 --> 00:35:27,076 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT AMERICA, OLD 1074 00:35:27,100 --> 00:35:28,210 PEOPLE AND AIRCRAFT CARRIERS, 1075 00:35:28,234 --> 00:35:29,868 THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY GOES. 1076 00:35:29,934 --> 00:35:30,567 NOW, I'M OKAY WITH THE OLD 1077 00:35:30,634 --> 00:35:33,434 PEOPLE. 1078 00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:35,234 FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE OLD. 1079 00:35:35,300 --> 00:35:36,868 THEY PAID INTO IT. 1080 00:35:36,934 --> 00:35:37,701 AND THAT'S WHAT A CIVILIZED 1081 00:35:37,767 --> 00:35:39,300 NATION DOES. 1082 00:35:39,367 --> 00:35:40,376 THEY TAKE CARE OF THE ELDERLY 1083 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:40,901 PEOPLE IN THEIR POPULATION. 1084 00:35:40,968 --> 00:35:45,601 [APPLAUSE] 1085 00:35:45,667 --> 00:35:49,267 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1086 00:35:49,334 --> 00:35:50,133 AND ALSO, WE DON'T WANT THEM 1087 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:54,300 LIVING WITH US. 1088 00:35:54,367 --> 00:35:54,567 [LAUGHTER] THAT'S JUST... IT'S NOT PAT 1089 00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:55,767 OURSELVES ON THE BACK TOO MUCH 1090 00:35:55,834 --> 00:35:58,367 ON THAT ONE. 1091 00:35:58,434 --> 00:35:59,476 BUT... BUT HONESTLY, IF THEY 1092 00:35:59,500 --> 00:36:00,934 WOULD JUST STICK WITH THE 1093 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:02,400 MEAT AND POTATOES STUFF AND OF 1094 00:36:02,467 --> 00:36:04,067 COURSE, THE OTHER ONE THAT COULD 1095 00:36:04,133 --> 00:36:06,200 GET DEMOCRATS EVERY ELECTION 1096 00:36:06,267 --> 00:36:11,934 JUST LEGALIZE POT NATIONALLY. 1097 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:12,400 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1098 00:36:12,467 --> 00:36:16,701 SUCH LOW LYING POLITICAL FRUITS. 1099 00:36:16,767 --> 00:36:18,534 BECAUSE POT, IT'S ONE OF THOSE 1100 00:36:18,601 --> 00:36:19,810 ISSUES LIKE GUNS, IT IS FOR THE 1101 00:36:19,834 --> 00:36:21,167 RIGHT. 1102 00:36:21,234 --> 00:36:22,276 YOU KNOW, IT JUST GETS A LOT OF 1103 00:36:22,300 --> 00:36:23,200 PEOPLE OUT ON THAT ONE ISSUE 1104 00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:25,067 BECAUSE IT'S PERSONAL. 1105 00:36:25,133 --> 00:36:26,276 IT'S NOT LIKE OTHER ISSUES WHERE 1106 00:36:26,300 --> 00:36:27,620 IT'S ABSTRACT POT, JUST LIKE GUNS. 1107 00:36:27,868 --> 00:36:28,801 IT'S IN YOUR HOME. 1108 00:36:28,868 --> 00:36:30,567 YOU LIKE IT, YOU TOUCH IT, YOU 1109 00:36:30,634 --> 00:36:36,234 RUB IT AGAINST YOUR PENIS. 1110 00:36:36,300 --> 00:36:36,500 [LAUGHTER] NO, NO, NO, NO. 1111 00:36:37,167 --> 00:36:39,234 I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY IT. 1112 00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:43,834 I ALWAYS GO TOO FAR. 1113 00:36:43,901 --> 00:36:47,500 BUT REALLY, I MEAN, IF ONE SIDE 1114 00:36:47,567 --> 00:36:50,801 IN THIS COUNTRY HAS ALL THE GUNS 1115 00:36:50,868 --> 00:36:55,100 AND ONE SIDE HAS ALL THE POT, 1116 00:36:55,167 --> 00:36:56,534 YOU KNOW, LIBERALS, WHEN THE 1117 00:36:56,601 --> 00:36:58,000 CIVIL WAR COMES, YOU'RE GOING TO 1118 00:36:58,067 --> 00:37:00,000 GET YOUR ASS KICKED LIKE THE 1119 00:37:00,067 --> 00:37:05,200 WHITE KID AT A SPELLING BEE. 1120 00:37:05,267 --> 00:37:05,467 [LAUGHTER] 1121 00:37:05,534 --> 00:37:07,167 BUT THIS IS... THIS IS A BIG 1122 00:37:07,234 --> 00:37:09,634 COUNTRY, A VERY BIG COUNTRY WITH 1123 00:37:09,701 --> 00:37:10,877 LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T THINK 1124 00:37:10,901 --> 00:37:12,200 LIKE YOU, NO MATTER HOW YOU 1125 00:37:12,267 --> 00:37:14,100 THINK, AND YOU CAN'T OWN THEM 1126 00:37:14,167 --> 00:37:15,467 OR DESTROY THEM AND THEY'RE NOT 1127 00:37:15,534 --> 00:37:16,677 GOING TO SELF DEPORT NO MATTER 1128 00:37:16,701 --> 00:37:18,567 WHO WINS ELECTIONS. 1129 00:37:18,634 --> 00:37:20,033 WE HAVE TO FIND OUR WAY BACK 1130 00:37:20,100 --> 00:37:23,801 FROM NOT LOATHING EACH OTHER. 1131 00:37:23,868 --> 00:37:25,801 I MEAN, WE HAVE THE PHENOMENON 1132 00:37:25,868 --> 00:37:28,000 NOW OF POLITICAL DIVORCES. 1133 00:37:28,067 --> 00:37:29,868 PEOPLE GETTING DIVORCES OVER 1134 00:37:29,934 --> 00:37:32,467 THEIR POLITICS ARE DIFFERENT. 1135 00:37:32,534 --> 00:37:34,167 SOMETIMES BROTHERS AND SISTERS 1136 00:37:34,234 --> 00:37:36,200 STOP TALKING TO EACH OTHER, 1137 00:37:36,267 --> 00:37:37,510 WHICH MAKES IT VERY DIFFICULT TO 1138 00:37:37,534 --> 00:37:39,300 GET LAID IN THE PANHANDLE. 1139 00:37:39,367 --> 00:37:42,300 [LAUGHTER] 1140 00:37:42,367 --> 00:37:50,367 OH, I ALMOST GOT THROUGH THAT. 1141 00:37:50,734 --> 00:37:52,901 I KID. 1142 00:37:52,968 --> 00:37:55,634 I KID THE REDNECKS. 1143 00:37:55,701 --> 00:37:59,934 I... NO, SEE BAD ME. 1144 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,334 MEA CULPA, I KNOW I REALLY I 1145 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:02,033 HAVE BEEN LESS THAN RESPECTFUL 1146 00:38:02,100 --> 00:38:03,868 IN MY CAREER. 1147 00:38:03,934 --> 00:38:05,743 I HAVE USED WORDS LIKE "REDNECK" AND "SHIT KICKER" AND "SNAKE 1148 00:38:05,767 --> 00:38:09,133 HANDLER" AND "MOUTH BREATHER," 1149 00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:10,634 "FLAT EARTHER," "BIBLE THUMPER," 1150 00:38:10,701 --> 00:38:13,868 "CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTOR," 1151 00:38:13,934 --> 00:38:14,934 "RUBCRETE," AND "INBRED," 1152 00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,434 "SLINGBLADE," "PAINT CHIP 1153 00:38:17,500 --> 00:38:18,543 EATER, " " TOOTHLESS SISTER 1154 00:38:18,567 --> 00:38:21,334 FUCKER, " AND " CHILDREN OF THE 1155 00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:23,000 CORN." 1156 00:38:23,067 --> 00:38:27,200 I HAVE, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE. 1157 00:38:27,267 --> 00:38:29,167 BUT YOU KNOW, IN MY DEFENSE, 1158 00:38:29,234 --> 00:38:30,834 IT'S SOMETIMES THEY MAKE IT VERY 1159 00:38:30,901 --> 00:38:31,267 HARD NOT TO DO THAT. 1160 00:38:31,334 --> 00:38:33,234 [LAUGHTER] 1161 00:38:33,300 --> 00:38:35,033 I WAS READING AN ARTICLE 1162 00:38:35,100 --> 00:38:36,834 RECENTLY ABOUT THE STATE OF 1163 00:38:36,901 --> 00:38:38,634 KENTUCKY IN 2019 OUTLAWED 1164 00:38:38,701 --> 00:38:40,601 BESTIALITY. 1165 00:38:40,667 --> 00:38:42,367 [LAUGHTER] 1166 00:38:42,434 --> 00:38:43,667 SWEAR TO GOD. 1167 00:38:43,734 --> 00:38:45,467 YES. 1168 00:38:45,534 --> 00:38:46,133 IN 2019, I SAY THEY DID THIS. 1169 00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:49,067 [LAUGHTER] 1170 00:38:49,133 --> 00:38:50,567 AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE 1171 00:38:50,634 --> 00:38:52,234 SCARIEST PART OF THAT ARTICLE. 1172 00:38:52,300 --> 00:38:55,400 THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF 1173 00:38:55,467 --> 00:38:56,476 PARAGRAPH THREE, WHICH SAID 1174 00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:57,267 OPPONENTS OF THE BILL. 1175 00:38:57,334 --> 00:39:01,234 [LAUGHTER] 1176 00:39:01,300 --> 00:39:03,300 OPPONENTS OF THE BILL. 1177 00:39:03,367 --> 00:39:07,267 PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T ROCK AND 1178 00:39:07,334 --> 00:39:08,443 MEDDLE IN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT 1179 00:39:08,467 --> 00:39:10,000 GETTING IN BETWEEN ME AND THE 1180 00:39:10,067 --> 00:39:12,267 CHICKEN I MIGHT FUCK. 1181 00:39:12,334 --> 00:39:15,300 I SAID, MIGHT, I DIDN'T. 1182 00:39:15,367 --> 00:39:16,567 AND THAT'S THE THING. 1183 00:39:16,634 --> 00:39:18,000 I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT THE 1184 00:39:18,067 --> 00:39:19,210 PEOPLE OF KENTUCKY ARE CHICKEN 1185 00:39:19,234 --> 00:39:21,767 FUCKERS, BUT THEY WANT THE 1186 00:39:21,834 --> 00:39:26,167 OPTION. 1187 00:39:26,234 --> 00:39:26,434 [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE THING. 1188 00:39:27,167 --> 00:39:28,527 THEY WANT THE OPTION OF MY FREEDOM. 1189 00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:29,067 AMERICA, THEY LOVE THEIR 1190 00:39:29,133 --> 00:39:32,467 FREEDOM. 1191 00:39:32,534 --> 00:39:33,577 THAT'S WHAT FLORIDA HAS GOT 1192 00:39:33,601 --> 00:39:35,234 GOING FOR IT, RIGHT? 1193 00:39:35,300 --> 00:39:36,968 YOU FEEL IT'S A FREER FEELING 1194 00:39:37,033 --> 00:39:39,100 HERE, YOU KNOW, AND IT IS. 1195 00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:43,767 [LAUGHTER] 1196 00:39:43,834 --> 00:39:45,577 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT'S A LOT OF FUCKED UP SHIT 1197 00:39:45,601 --> 00:39:46,944 HERE TOO, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT. 1198 00:39:46,968 --> 00:39:48,510 AND I KNOW A LOT OF YOU THINK DESANTIS IS GOING TO BE THE 1199 00:39:48,534 --> 00:39:52,901 REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR PRES. 1200 00:39:52,968 --> 00:39:54,133 [BOOS] 1201 00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:55,634 BECAUSE TRUMP TREATS HIM LIKE A 1202 00:39:55,701 --> 00:39:57,667 SON. 1203 00:39:57,734 --> 00:39:59,400 BUT TRUST ME, IF HE RUNS AGAINST 1204 00:39:59,467 --> 00:40:01,334 TRUMP, TRUMP WILL TREAT HIM LIKE 1205 00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:02,100 A DAUGHTER AND TRY TO FUCK HIM, 1206 00:40:02,167 --> 00:40:07,400 REALLY. 1207 00:40:07,467 --> 00:40:08,000 [LAUGHTER] 1208 00:40:08,067 --> 00:40:09,334 [APPLAUSE] 1209 00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:10,667 OH, GENTLE, GOOD HUMOR. 1210 00:40:10,734 --> 00:40:13,033 THAT'S ALL WE DO HERE. 1211 00:40:13,100 --> 00:40:13,968 LOOK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE OF 1212 00:40:14,033 --> 00:40:15,033 THOSE. 1213 00:40:15,100 --> 00:40:16,334 I MUST TELL YOU ONE OF 1214 00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:17,880 THOSE. THIS IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN 1215 00:40:18,133 --> 00:40:19,133 THE WORLD, PEOPLE. IS IT? 1216 00:40:19,234 --> 00:40:20,601 I DON'T KNOW. 1217 00:40:20,667 --> 00:40:22,234 I HAVEN'T LIVED EVERYWHERE ELSE. 1218 00:40:22,300 --> 00:40:22,567 MAYBE IT IS. 1219 00:40:22,634 --> 00:40:23,801 MAYBE IT ISN'T. 1220 00:40:23,868 --> 00:40:25,868 IT'S THE GREATEST ONE FOR ME. 1221 00:40:25,934 --> 00:40:27,009 SHOULDN'T THAT BE ENOUGH? IT'S SO CHILDISH. 1222 00:40:27,033 --> 00:40:29,601 I LIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY. 1223 00:40:29,667 --> 00:40:30,968 I WAS THINKING THAT, LIKE NOW, 1224 00:40:31,033 --> 00:40:32,534 LIKE WHEN I'M ON THE ROAD 1225 00:40:32,601 --> 00:40:33,834 BECAUSE I'M IN A HOTEL AND I 1226 00:40:33,901 --> 00:40:35,076 WANT FRESH AIR AND I CAN NEVER 1227 00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:38,067 GET IT BECAUSE THE WINDOWS DON'T 1228 00:40:38,133 --> 00:40:39,334 OPEN, BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THE 1229 00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:40,801 GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. 1230 00:40:40,868 --> 00:40:42,167 BUT IF WE DON'T SEAL THE WINDOW 1231 00:40:42,234 --> 00:40:46,801 SHUT, THE PEOPLE WILL JUMP OUT. 1232 00:40:46,868 --> 00:40:47,067 [LAUGHTER] 1233 00:40:47,133 --> 00:40:48,868 SO, THAT'S WHERE WE ARE, GREAT 1234 00:40:48,934 --> 00:40:50,400 LANDIA, YEAH. 1235 00:40:50,467 --> 00:40:54,567 [APPLAUSE] 1236 00:40:54,634 --> 00:40:56,343 YEAH, I MEAN... JOE HAS NOT EXACTLY STUCK THE 1237 00:40:56,367 --> 00:40:58,067 LANDING ON EVERYTHING. 1238 00:40:58,133 --> 00:40:59,133 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? 1239 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:00,801 IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM, TRUMP 1240 00:41:00,868 --> 00:41:02,734 WOULD BE PRESIDENT. 1241 00:41:02,801 --> 00:41:03,910 SO I DON'T CARE IF HE FARTS IN 1242 00:41:03,934 --> 00:41:04,534 FRONT OF THE QUEEN. 1243 00:41:04,601 --> 00:41:07,500 [APPLAUSE] 1244 00:41:07,567 --> 00:41:08,734 OR DOZES OFF AT A CLIMATE 1245 00:41:08,801 --> 00:41:11,234 CONFERENCE. 1246 00:41:11,300 --> 00:41:12,743 YES, THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME SENIOR MOMENTS. 1247 00:41:12,767 --> 00:41:14,167 JUST GET OVER IT. 1248 00:41:14,234 --> 00:41:15,500 YOU KNOW, HE'S... HE'S GOING TO 1249 00:41:15,567 --> 00:41:17,067 SHOW UP SOMEWHERE WITHOUT PANTS 1250 00:41:17,133 --> 00:41:18,968 ON AT SOME POINT OR DRIVE THE 1251 00:41:19,033 --> 00:41:20,534 MOTORCADE THROUGH A FARMER'S 1252 00:41:20,601 --> 00:41:21,000 MARKET. 1253 00:41:21,067 --> 00:41:22,534 I DON'T KNOW. 1254 00:41:22,601 --> 00:41:28,234 [LAUGHTER] 1255 00:41:28,300 --> 00:41:29,500 YOU KNOW, YOU ONLY GET TWO 1256 00:41:29,567 --> 00:41:31,601 CHOICES IN THIS COUNTRY. 1257 00:41:31,667 --> 00:41:34,100 AND, YOU KNOW, WE WOULDN'T EVEN 1258 00:41:34,167 --> 00:41:35,567 HAVE HIM IF THE AFRICAN 1259 00:41:35,634 --> 00:41:37,434 AMERICAN COMMUNITY IN SOUTH 1260 00:41:37,500 --> 00:41:39,567 CAROLINA HADN'T SAVED THE ASS OF 1261 00:41:39,634 --> 00:41:40,810 THE DEMOCRATS AND MADE SURE THAT 1262 00:41:40,834 --> 00:41:43,067 HE GOT THE NOMINATION. 1263 00:41:43,133 --> 00:41:46,167 [APPLAUSE] 1264 00:41:46,234 --> 00:41:47,667 YOU KNOW. 1265 00:41:47,734 --> 00:41:49,300 BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN, THE WHOLE 1266 00:41:49,367 --> 00:41:50,567 THING ALMOST DIDN'T HAPPEN 1267 00:41:50,634 --> 00:41:51,567 BECAUSE THE SECOND HE ANNOUNCED, 1268 00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:53,901 DO YOU REMEMBER THIS, A WOMAN 1269 00:41:53,968 --> 00:41:55,234 CAME FORWARD, HAD TO TELL US A 1270 00:41:55,300 --> 00:41:56,167 STORY ABOUT THE TIME HE KISSED 1271 00:41:56,234 --> 00:41:58,234 THE BACK OF HER HEAD. 1272 00:41:58,300 --> 00:41:59,567 KISSED THE BACK OF HER HEAD? 1273 00:41:59,634 --> 00:42:00,767 YES. 1274 00:42:00,834 --> 00:42:04,801 THAT WELL-KNOWN EROGENOUS ZONE. 1275 00:42:04,868 --> 00:42:05,067 [LAUGHTER] 1276 00:42:05,133 --> 00:42:06,176 I TELL YOU, WHENEVER I'M FEELING 1277 00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:06,834 REALLY FREAKY, I GO RIGHT FOR 1278 00:42:06,901 --> 00:42:10,067 THE BACK OF THE HEAD. 1279 00:42:10,133 --> 00:42:10,901 SOME GUYS LIKE THEIR BALLS 1280 00:42:10,968 --> 00:42:12,133 TICKLED. 1281 00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:13,834 SOME GUYS LIKE THE ASS. 1282 00:42:13,901 --> 00:42:14,910 NO, I'M THE BACK OF THE HEAD. 1283 00:42:14,934 --> 00:42:15,634 JUST GIVE ME THE BACK OF THE 1284 00:42:15,701 --> 00:42:16,934 HEAD. 1285 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,100 [LAUGHTER] 1286 00:42:19,167 --> 00:42:20,543 I MEAN, REALLY, DO YOU REMEMBER THIS? 1287 00:42:20,567 --> 00:42:21,067 WE HAD TO LIVE THROUGH THIS 1288 00:42:21,133 --> 00:42:22,834 WHOLE SCANDAL. 1289 00:42:22,901 --> 00:42:23,601 YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? 1290 00:42:23,667 --> 00:42:24,667 IT WAS A FUNDRAISER. 1291 00:42:24,734 --> 00:42:26,267 HE WAS THE VICE PRESIDENT. 1292 00:42:26,334 --> 00:42:28,267 HE SHOWED UP TO HELP SOMEBODY. 1293 00:42:28,334 --> 00:42:30,901 THE WOMAN WHO WAS INTRODUCING 1294 00:42:30,968 --> 00:42:31,667 HIM, HE WAS JUST TRYING TO SHOW 1295 00:42:31,734 --> 00:42:33,767 SOME SUPPORT. 1296 00:42:33,834 --> 00:42:38,300 SMELL THE BENGAY. 1297 00:42:38,367 --> 00:42:38,567 [LAUGHTER] IT'S JUST... SHE WAS ABOUT TO... 1298 00:42:39,300 --> 00:42:39,834 SHE WAS WAITING IN THE WINGS, 1299 00:42:39,901 --> 00:42:42,167 AND HE CAME UP BEHIND HER. 1300 00:42:42,234 --> 00:42:44,667 "YOU'RE GOING TO DO GREAT, 1301 00:42:44,734 --> 00:42:45,734 HONEY." [LAUGHTER] 1302 00:42:45,801 --> 00:42:47,901 THAT'S IT. 1303 00:42:47,968 --> 00:42:49,367 I MEAN... HERE, LET ME RECITE TO 1304 00:42:49,434 --> 00:42:51,067 YOU, THESE ARE HER EXACT WORDS 1305 00:42:51,133 --> 00:42:52,143 BECAUSE SHE WROTE A BLOG ABOUT 1306 00:42:52,167 --> 00:42:54,434 IT FIVE YEARS LATER. 1307 00:42:54,500 --> 00:42:55,734 SHE SAID, "I FELT TWO HANDS ON 1308 00:42:55,801 --> 00:42:59,500 MY SHOULDERS AND FROZE." 1309 00:42:59,567 --> 00:43:00,234 OKAY, YOU'RE AUTISTIC THEN, 1310 00:43:00,300 --> 00:43:01,400 THAT'S ALL LIKE... 1311 00:43:01,467 --> 00:43:02,901 [LAUGHTER] 1312 00:43:02,968 --> 00:43:06,634 THAT'S AN AUTISTIC PERSON. 1313 00:43:06,701 --> 00:43:07,334 WHY IS THE VICE PRESIDENT 1314 00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:09,434 TOUCHING ME? 1315 00:43:09,500 --> 00:43:10,634 I DON'T KNOW. 1316 00:43:10,701 --> 00:43:11,834 BECAUSE HE'S HUMAN. 1317 00:43:11,901 --> 00:43:13,834 SOMETIMES HUMANS DO THAT. 1318 00:43:13,901 --> 00:43:15,109 I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO RUN AND 1319 00:43:15,133 --> 00:43:15,934 GET THE RAPE KIT JUST YET, YOU 1320 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:17,234 KNOW? 1321 00:43:17,300 --> 00:43:23,934 [APPLAUSE] 1322 00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:26,033 HE KISSED THE BACK OF MY HEAD. 1323 00:43:26,100 --> 00:43:27,334 MY BRAIN COULDN'T PROCESS WHAT 1324 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:28,734 WAS HAPPENING. 1325 00:43:28,801 --> 00:43:30,133 [LAUGHTER] 1326 00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,367 REALLY? 1327 00:43:32,434 --> 00:43:33,000 YOU COULDN'T. 1328 00:43:33,067 --> 00:43:34,076 YOUR BRAIN COULDN'T PROCESS 1329 00:43:34,100 --> 00:43:34,934 THAT, LIKE STRING THEORY OR 1330 00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:38,000 WORMHOLES. 1331 00:43:38,067 --> 00:43:38,767 I WAS EMBARRASSED, SHOCKED, 1332 00:43:38,834 --> 00:43:40,767 CONFUSED. 1333 00:43:40,834 --> 00:43:42,367 OKAY, THEN THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS 1334 00:43:42,434 --> 00:43:47,133 NOT FOR YOU. 1335 00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:48,443 [LAUGHTER] THAT'S... I'M NOT... I'M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN. 1336 00:43:48,467 --> 00:43:49,067 DON'T GET IT TWISTED. 1337 00:43:49,133 --> 00:43:50,176 THIS IS NOT A CRITIQUE OF WOMEN. 1338 00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:51,743 THIS IS A DEFENSE. BECAUSE I DON'T THINK MOST WOMEN 1339 00:43:51,767 --> 00:43:53,033 ARE LIKE THIS. 1340 00:43:53,100 --> 00:43:54,777 I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE REPUTATION THEY WANT OR DESERVE. 1341 00:43:54,801 --> 00:43:58,133 YOU KNOW. 1342 00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:00,100 [APPLAUSE] 1343 00:44:00,167 --> 00:44:02,667 I THINK THEY'RE MADE OF STERNER 1344 00:44:02,734 --> 00:44:02,868 STUFF. BERNIE SANDERS HAD THE EXACT 1345 00:44:03,634 --> 00:44:04,968 SAME THING HAPPEN TO HIM. 1346 00:44:05,033 --> 00:44:06,334 AS SOON AS HE ANNOUNCED, HIS 1347 00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:08,167 CAMPAIGN WAS ALMOST DERAILED 1348 00:44:08,234 --> 00:44:10,500 BECAUSE A WOMAN CAME FORWARD TO 1349 00:44:10,567 --> 00:44:12,267 TALK ABOUT THE TIME ON THE 1350 00:44:12,334 --> 00:44:14,968 CAMPAIGN WHEN SHE WAS ASKED TO 1351 00:44:15,033 --> 00:44:17,200 SPEND A NIGHT ONCE WITH THREE 1352 00:44:17,267 --> 00:44:19,901 MALE MEMBERS OF THE CAMPAIGN. 1353 00:44:19,968 --> 00:44:21,534 OKAY, IT'S A CAMPAIGN. 1354 00:44:21,601 --> 00:44:22,701 IT'S A REVOLUTION. 1355 00:44:22,767 --> 00:44:24,133 IT'S A SHOESTRING BUDGET. 1356 00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:25,360 NOT EVERYBODY GETS A SUITE AT 1357 00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:28,434 THE RITZ. 1358 00:44:28,500 --> 00:44:29,100 THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID, LITERALLY 1359 00:44:29,167 --> 00:44:30,601 WORD FOR WORD. 1360 00:44:30,667 --> 00:44:33,601 SHE SAID, I WAS SHAKING WITH 1361 00:44:33,667 --> 00:44:34,801 FEAR, LITERALLY. 1362 00:44:34,868 --> 00:44:36,009 I REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF, 1363 00:44:36,033 --> 00:44:39,000 WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? 1364 00:44:39,067 --> 00:44:40,634 GO TO SLEEP. 1365 00:44:40,701 --> 00:44:42,901 [LAUGHTER] 1366 00:44:42,968 --> 00:44:45,601 LITERALLY GO TO SLEEP. 1367 00:44:45,667 --> 00:44:49,601 I MEAN, THERE ARE THREE NERDS ON 1368 00:44:49,667 --> 00:44:50,300 THE BERNIE SANDERS CAMPAIGN. 1369 00:44:50,367 --> 00:44:53,267 THEY'RE NOT ESCAPED CONVICTS. 1370 00:44:53,334 --> 00:44:54,543 IF YOU CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM 1371 00:44:54,567 --> 00:44:56,043 WITH JUST A BRA AND PANTIES ON, THEY'D PROBABLY SHIT THEIR 1372 00:44:56,067 --> 00:44:57,200 PANTS. 1373 00:44:57,267 --> 00:45:01,534 [LAUGHTER] 1374 00:45:01,601 --> 00:45:02,300 I MEAN, WHO RAISED THESE 1375 00:45:02,367 --> 00:45:04,167 JELLYFISH? 1376 00:45:04,234 --> 00:45:05,343 THIS CANNOT BE THE IMAGE WOMEN 1377 00:45:05,367 --> 00:45:07,934 WANT OR DESERVE. 1378 00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:08,500 YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YES, IT'S 1379 00:45:08,567 --> 00:45:09,567 GREAT. 1380 00:45:09,601 --> 00:45:11,367 WE HAD A RECKONING, BUT SOME 1381 00:45:11,434 --> 00:45:13,167 STUFF WOMEN, I'M SURE, AND I 1382 00:45:13,234 --> 00:45:14,067 KNOW MOST WOMEN CAN'T JUST 1383 00:45:14,133 --> 00:45:15,434 HANDLE YOURSELF. 1384 00:45:15,500 --> 00:45:17,267 IF AN OLD MAN COMES UP BEHIND 1385 00:45:17,334 --> 00:45:18,133 YOU, INSTEAD OF WAITING FIVE 1386 00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:21,334 YEARS AND WRITING A BLOG, 1387 00:45:21,400 --> 00:45:23,033 HOW ABOUT JUST TURNING AROUND? 1388 00:45:23,100 --> 00:45:24,567 "EXCUSE ME, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, 1389 00:45:24,634 --> 00:45:25,467 I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO MAKE A 1390 00:45:25,534 --> 00:45:27,100 SPEECH. 1391 00:45:27,167 --> 00:45:27,968 I'M GETTING MY HEAD TOGETHER. 1392 00:45:28,033 --> 00:45:29,210 YOU CAN KISS THE BACK OF MY HEAD 1393 00:45:29,234 --> 00:45:30,234 LATER, YOU KNOW?" 1394 00:45:30,267 --> 00:45:34,634 [LAUGHTER] 1395 00:45:34,701 --> 00:45:35,100 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1396 00:45:35,167 --> 00:45:38,133 RIGHT. 1397 00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:39,276 I MEAN, WHAT WAS HE GOING TO INSIST? 1398 00:45:39,300 --> 00:45:42,667 NO, BITCH. 1399 00:45:42,734 --> 00:45:43,910 THEY'RE GETTING BACK AT THE BACK 1400 00:45:43,934 --> 00:45:45,367 BACK OF THE HEAD KISS, 1401 00:45:45,434 --> 00:45:47,033 WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. 1402 00:45:47,100 --> 00:45:48,700 THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE IT. TAKE ALL OF IT. 1403 00:45:48,734 --> 00:45:49,400 I KNOW YOU LOVE IT. 1404 00:45:49,467 --> 00:45:51,534 [LAUGHTER] 1405 00:45:51,601 --> 00:45:56,200 IT'S RIDICULOUS. 1406 00:45:56,267 --> 00:45:58,801 AND ALSO THE SALIENT POINT ABOUT 1407 00:45:58,868 --> 00:46:01,567 THIS SCANDAL IS THAT JOE BIDEN 1408 00:46:01,634 --> 00:46:03,267 WAS NOT TRYING TO GET LAID, 1409 00:46:03,334 --> 00:46:05,834 DOING THIS, RIGHT? 1410 00:46:05,901 --> 00:46:08,667 ANDREW CUOMO WAS TRYING TO GET 1411 00:46:08,734 --> 00:46:11,100 LAID, BADLY, BY THE WAY. 1412 00:46:11,167 --> 00:46:14,367 I MEAN, ONE OF HIS BIG PLOYS WAS 1413 00:46:14,434 --> 00:46:15,734 HE WOULD HAVE HIS PRETTY 1414 00:46:15,801 --> 00:46:16,968 ASSISTANTS COME UP TO THE 1415 00:46:17,033 --> 00:46:18,400 GOVERNOR'S MANSION AT NIGHT TO 1416 00:46:18,467 --> 00:46:19,767 SHOW HIM HOW TO DO SOMETHING ON 1417 00:46:19,834 --> 00:46:21,300 HIS PHONE. 1418 00:46:21,367 --> 00:46:22,567 YEAH, YEAH. 1419 00:46:22,634 --> 00:46:23,968 BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING HOTTER 1420 00:46:24,033 --> 00:46:25,567 THAN AN OLD GUY WHO CAN'T WORK 1421 00:46:25,634 --> 00:46:26,567 HIS PHONE. 1422 00:46:26,634 --> 00:46:29,467 [LAUGHTER] 1423 00:46:29,534 --> 00:46:30,367 THAT IS KRYPTONITE FOR THE 1424 00:46:30,434 --> 00:46:35,334 PUSSY. 1425 00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:35,601 [LAUGHTER] LET ME TELL YOU, JUST THE 1426 00:46:36,234 --> 00:46:37,844 PANTIES ARE WET BEFORE THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR JUST THINKING 1427 00:46:37,868 --> 00:46:38,467 ABOUT THAT. 1428 00:46:38,534 --> 00:46:42,434 [LAUGHTER] 1429 00:46:42,500 --> 00:46:43,700 MAN, WE HAVE GOT TO TEACH GAME 1430 00:46:43,734 --> 00:46:48,200 IN AMERICA. 1431 00:46:48,267 --> 00:46:48,467 [LAUGHTER] 1432 00:46:48,534 --> 00:46:51,200 I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. 1433 00:46:51,267 --> 00:46:53,801 I MEAN, ASIDE FROM THE HORRORS 1434 00:46:53,868 --> 00:46:55,601 THAT WOMEN ARE PUT THROUGH, I'M 1435 00:46:55,667 --> 00:46:56,601 ALWAYS THINKING, WHAT MAN THINKS 1436 00:46:56,667 --> 00:47:03,767 THIS SHIT IS GOING TO WORK? 1437 00:47:03,834 --> 00:47:05,376 ONE OF THE FIRST #MeToo CASUALTIES, WELL DESERVED, I 1438 00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:07,033 MIGHT ADD, WAS THIS JOURNALIST, 1439 00:47:07,100 --> 00:47:08,801 MARK HALPERIN, REMEMBER HIM AND 1440 00:47:08,868 --> 00:47:09,988 YOU KNOW HIS M.O. AS ALWAYS, 1441 00:47:10,033 --> 00:47:11,313 WITH THESE CASES, YOU KNOW, LIKE 1442 00:47:11,367 --> 00:47:12,300 MANY WOMEN COME FORWARD, IT'S 1443 00:47:12,367 --> 00:47:13,487 ALWAYS THE SAME STORY IN THE 1444 00:47:13,534 --> 00:47:15,467 SAME THING. 1445 00:47:15,534 --> 00:47:17,567 A GUY HAS A THING, AND HIS WAS 1446 00:47:17,634 --> 00:47:19,767 TO LIKE, AT THE OFFICE, CORNER 1447 00:47:19,834 --> 00:47:20,767 YOU SOMEWHERE AND JUST RUB HIS 1448 00:47:20,834 --> 00:47:25,701 BONER AGAINST YOU. 1449 00:47:25,767 --> 00:47:25,968 [LAUGHTER] WHEN HAS THIS EVER WORKED IS MY 1450 00:47:26,667 --> 00:47:29,634 QUESTION? 1451 00:47:29,701 --> 00:47:29,901 [LAUGHTER] 1452 00:47:29,968 --> 00:47:31,567 HAS THERE EVER BEEN A WOMAN WHO 1453 00:47:31,634 --> 00:47:33,200 WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, I WASN'T 1454 00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:35,200 EVER REALLY THAT INTO BOB. 1455 00:47:35,267 --> 00:47:38,000 [LAUGHTER] 1456 00:47:38,067 --> 00:47:40,100 BUT THEN HE DID THAT THING THAT 1457 00:47:40,167 --> 00:47:42,667 DOGS DO TO THROW PILLOWS, AND I 1458 00:47:42,734 --> 00:47:44,167 JUST MELTED. 1459 00:47:44,234 --> 00:47:49,767 [APPLAUSE] 1460 00:47:49,834 --> 00:47:51,901 NO, WE HAVE GOT TO TEACH GAME IN 1461 00:47:51,968 --> 00:47:54,033 THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE ANY TIME... 1462 00:47:54,100 --> 00:47:57,934 ANY TIME MEN CAN'T GET WOMEN, 1463 00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:01,434 PRIESTS, TALIBAN, INCELS IN THIS 1464 00:48:01,500 --> 00:48:02,267 COUNTRY, YOU KNOW WHAT INCELS 1465 00:48:02,334 --> 00:48:04,000 ARE? 1466 00:48:04,067 --> 00:48:05,701 YEAH, IT'S A WHOLE MOVEMENT. 1467 00:48:05,767 --> 00:48:06,567 IT STANDS FOR INVOLUNTARILY 1468 00:48:06,634 --> 00:48:10,701 CELIBATE. 1469 00:48:10,767 --> 00:48:12,276 YEAH, I USED TO BE AN INCEL. WE JUST DIDN'T HAVE A NAME FOR 1470 00:48:12,300 --> 00:48:15,300 IT. 1471 00:48:15,367 --> 00:48:15,567 [LAUGHTER] I DIDN'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK 1472 00:48:16,234 --> 00:48:16,667 ABOUT IT WITH THAT. 1473 00:48:16,734 --> 00:48:18,009 THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO IS 1474 00:48:18,033 --> 00:48:19,267 JOIN A GROUP OF OTHER FUCKING 1475 00:48:19,334 --> 00:48:22,100 LOSERS WHO COULDN'T GET LAID. 1476 00:48:22,167 --> 00:48:23,601 I WAS TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS 1477 00:48:23,667 --> 00:48:25,100 WITH GUYS WHO COULD GET LAID, 1478 00:48:25,167 --> 00:48:26,167 MAYBE GET A LEFTOVER OR 1479 00:48:26,234 --> 00:48:26,868 SOMETHING, YOU KNOW? 1480 00:48:26,934 --> 00:48:34,801 [LAUGHTER] 1481 00:48:34,868 --> 00:48:36,210 THAT... THAT WAS NOT MY STRATEGY WHEN I COULDN'T GET 1482 00:48:36,234 --> 00:48:36,567 LAID. MY STRATEGY WAS TO MASTURBATE 1483 00:48:37,234 --> 00:48:41,267 AND PLOT. 1484 00:48:41,334 --> 00:48:41,534 [LAUGHTER] THAT WAS MY STRATEGY, 1485 00:48:42,100 --> 00:48:43,200 MASTURBATING AND PLOTTING. 1486 00:48:43,267 --> 00:48:44,601 AND I CAME UP WITH THIS. 1487 00:48:44,667 --> 00:48:47,801 NO. 1488 00:48:47,868 --> 00:48:49,467 [APPLAUSE] 1489 00:48:49,534 --> 00:48:50,844 NO, NO, NO, NO, I DO THIS FOR THE LOVE OF COMEDY, LADIES AND 1490 00:48:50,868 --> 00:48:58,467 GENTLEMEN, COMEDY. 1491 00:48:58,534 --> 00:48:59,234 BUT YOU DO REALIZE THAT ALL THE 1492 00:48:59,300 --> 00:49:00,567 #MeToo STUFF IS WEAPONIZED 1493 00:49:00,634 --> 00:49:02,234 AGAINST ONE SIDE. 1494 00:49:02,300 --> 00:49:03,033 YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE 1495 00:49:03,100 --> 00:49:05,868 REPUBLICANS DON'T CARE. 1496 00:49:05,934 --> 00:49:07,214 LOOK AT ALL THE MANY, MANY, MANY 1497 00:49:07,267 --> 00:49:08,100 DOZENS OF WOMEN TRUMP ABUSED. 1498 00:49:08,167 --> 00:49:09,767 THEY NEVER CARED. 1499 00:49:09,834 --> 00:49:10,601 THE HOLLYWOOD ACCESS TAPE. 1500 00:49:10,667 --> 00:49:11,868 THEY DIDN'T CARE. 1501 00:49:11,934 --> 00:49:13,400 THEY RAN A FUCKING CHILD 1502 00:49:13,467 --> 00:49:14,567 MOLESTER IN ALABAMA. 1503 00:49:14,634 --> 00:49:16,300 THEY DON'T CARE. 1504 00:49:16,367 --> 00:49:17,447 DEMOCRATS, WE GOT RID OF AL 1505 00:49:17,500 --> 00:49:19,500 FRANKEN, RIGHT? 1506 00:49:19,567 --> 00:49:20,734 BILL CLINTON, NOT ALLOWED TO 1507 00:49:20,801 --> 00:49:22,834 MAKE A SPEECH ANYMORE. 1508 00:49:22,901 --> 00:49:24,300 ELIOT SPITZER, I THOUGHT, WAS A 1509 00:49:24,367 --> 00:49:25,367 REALLY GOOD PROGRESSIVE 1510 00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:26,701 GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK. 1511 00:49:26,767 --> 00:49:27,500 HE HAD TO GO AWAY BECAUSE HE HAD 1512 00:49:27,567 --> 00:49:29,400 A HOOKER SCANDAL. 1513 00:49:29,467 --> 00:49:30,968 AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN A POLITICIAN 1514 00:49:31,033 --> 00:49:32,834 GETS BLOWN BY A HOOKER, IT TAKES 1515 00:49:32,901 --> 00:49:34,181 A JOB AWAY FROM A LOBBYIST. SO... 1516 00:49:34,500 --> 00:49:40,300 [LAUGHTER] 1517 00:49:40,367 --> 00:49:42,534 THAT CANNOT HAPPEN. 1518 00:49:42,601 --> 00:49:43,968 BUT REALLY, YOU LOOK AT THE 1519 00:49:44,033 --> 00:49:46,167 #MeToo CASES, IT'S ALWAYS A LOT 1520 00:49:46,234 --> 00:49:47,634 OF LEFT STUFF. 1521 00:49:47,701 --> 00:49:51,934 YOU KNOW, A LOT OF BALLET, 1522 00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:53,109 PEOPLE GOTTEN CONDUCTORS, YOU 1523 00:49:53,133 --> 00:49:55,200 KNOW, OPERA. 1524 00:49:55,267 --> 00:49:56,868 I'M ALWAYS LIKE, REALLY? 1525 00:49:56,934 --> 00:49:58,534 MEATPACKING HAS A PERFECT 1526 00:49:58,601 --> 00:50:03,367 RECORD, YOU KNOW, NOTHING EVER 1527 00:50:03,434 --> 00:50:08,701 HAPPENED AT A TRUCK STOP? 1528 00:50:08,767 --> 00:50:09,067 [LAUGHS] FRACKING IS FILLED WITH NOTHING 1529 00:50:09,767 --> 00:50:10,334 BUT PERFECT FEMINISTS. 1530 00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:11,868 I MEAN. 1531 00:50:11,934 --> 00:50:14,868 NPR FIRED EIGHT PEOPLE. 1532 00:50:14,934 --> 00:50:17,167 NPR IS THE SEED OF PREDATION IN 1533 00:50:17,234 --> 00:50:18,443 AMERICA? ONE OF THEM WAS GARRISON 1534 00:50:18,467 --> 00:50:19,734 KEILLOR. 1535 00:50:19,801 --> 00:50:24,968 YOU KNOW GARRISON KEILLOR. 1536 00:50:25,033 --> 00:50:26,210 NO, I HAVE NO DOG IN THIS FIGHT. 1537 00:50:26,234 --> 00:50:27,710 HE'D NEVER BEEN ON MY SHOW. I'VE NEVER HEARD HIS SHOW 1538 00:50:27,734 --> 00:50:28,500 BECAUSE I DON'T OWN A CANDLE 1539 00:50:28,567 --> 00:50:32,868 SHOP IN VERMONT. 1540 00:50:32,934 --> 00:50:34,574 [LAUGHTER] WHAT'S ALWAYS STRUCK ME AS SOME 1541 00:50:34,934 --> 00:50:36,300 CORNY SHIT, BUT I GOT IT THAT HE 1542 00:50:36,367 --> 00:50:38,200 WAS, LIKE, ICONIC BECAUSE THEY 1543 00:50:38,267 --> 00:50:40,133 NOT ONLY FIRED HIM, THEY 1544 00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:42,133 SCRUBBED THE ARCHIVES, COULDN'T 1545 00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:44,567 EVEN HEAR HIS OLD SHIT. 1546 00:50:44,634 --> 00:50:45,234 I'M LIKE, WHAT DID THIS 1547 00:50:45,300 --> 00:50:49,667 MOTHERFUCKER DO? 1548 00:50:49,734 --> 00:50:49,934 [LAUGHTER] I'M READING THE STORY, AND IT'S 1549 00:50:50,701 --> 00:50:51,334 VERY, YOU KNOW, AND HE WAS 1550 00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:52,901 BULLYING AROUND THE OFFICE. 1551 00:50:52,968 --> 00:50:54,534 WELL, THAT'S VAGUE, YOU KNOW. 1552 00:50:54,601 --> 00:50:55,767 AND REMEMBER, AND ON ONE 1553 00:50:55,834 --> 00:50:56,910 OCCASION, I THOUGHT, OKAY, HERE 1554 00:50:56,934 --> 00:50:59,701 IT IS. 1555 00:50:59,767 --> 00:51:01,467 AND ON ONE OCCASION THAT THE 1556 00:51:01,534 --> 00:51:02,734 DICK CAME OUT AT THE CHRISTMAS 1557 00:51:02,801 --> 00:51:03,667 PARTY OR WHATEVER. 1558 00:51:03,734 --> 00:51:05,767 [LAUGHTER] 1559 00:51:05,834 --> 00:51:07,300 NO. 1560 00:51:07,367 --> 00:51:09,367 AND ON ONE OCCASION, HE POSTED 1561 00:51:09,434 --> 00:51:11,300 AN OFF COLOR LIMERICK ON THE 1562 00:51:11,367 --> 00:51:13,901 DOORWAY OF HIS BOOKSHOP. 1563 00:51:13,968 --> 00:51:14,901 REALLY? 1564 00:51:14,968 --> 00:51:18,234 WE'RE GETTING PEOPLE FOR 1565 00:51:18,300 --> 00:51:19,300 LIMERICKS NOW? [LAUGHTER] 1566 00:51:19,367 --> 00:51:21,067 SEE, THIS IS THE PROBLEM WHEN 1567 00:51:21,133 --> 00:51:22,601 YOU START LUMPING... NO LUMPING 1568 00:51:22,667 --> 00:51:24,400 THE REALLY BAD PEOPLE WITH LIKE 1569 00:51:24,467 --> 00:51:26,567 SOME PEOPLE JUST HAD A BAD DATE. 1570 00:51:26,634 --> 00:51:32,801 AZIZ ANSARI HAD TO GO TO JAIL 1571 00:51:32,868 --> 00:51:34,577 WOKE JAIL FOR TWO YEARS. HE JUST HAD A BAD DATE. 1572 00:51:34,601 --> 00:51:35,133 IT'S A ONE SIDED STORY. 1573 00:51:35,200 --> 00:51:39,100 WE ONLY EVER HEARD HER SIDE. 1574 00:51:39,167 --> 00:51:40,210 EVEN BY HER SIDE, NOTHING HAPPENED. 1575 00:51:40,234 --> 00:51:41,133 NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. 1576 00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:42,500 I'M SORRY. 1577 00:51:42,567 --> 00:51:45,000 [APPLAUSE] 1578 00:51:45,067 --> 00:51:46,968 I'M SORRY YOU HAD A BAD TIME ON 1579 00:51:47,033 --> 00:51:48,243 A DATE WITH A GUY WHO WAS TRYING 1580 00:51:48,267 --> 00:51:49,567 TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS. 1581 00:51:49,634 --> 00:51:51,400 THAT'S LIFE. 1582 00:51:51,467 --> 00:51:52,476 YOU EVER HEAR THE PHRASE YOU 1583 00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:53,634 HAVE TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS? 1584 00:51:53,701 --> 00:51:54,710 WELL, YOU CHOSE TO KISS THIS 1585 00:51:54,734 --> 00:51:55,901 ONE. 1586 00:51:55,968 --> 00:51:57,334 AND BY THE WAY, YOU CHOSE TO LET 1587 00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:58,440 HIM EAT YOUR PUSSY BY YOUR 1588 00:51:58,500 --> 00:51:59,500 ACCOUNT. 1589 00:51:59,567 --> 00:52:00,334 IT'S TRUE. 1590 00:52:00,400 --> 00:52:01,601 IT'S IN THE ACCOUNT. 1591 00:52:01,667 --> 00:52:02,844 I MEAN, YOU DON'T LIKE A DATE, 1592 00:52:02,868 --> 00:52:04,400 LEAVE. 1593 00:52:04,467 --> 00:52:05,634 THAT'S WHY RESTAURANTS HAVE 1594 00:52:05,701 --> 00:52:07,300 BATHROOMS WITH WINDOWS. 1595 00:52:07,367 --> 00:52:13,601 [LAUGHTER] 1596 00:52:13,667 --> 00:52:15,000 BUT NO, SHE FINISHES DINNER AT 1597 00:52:15,067 --> 00:52:16,500 THE RESTAURANT, GOES BACK TO HIS 1598 00:52:16,567 --> 00:52:18,701 APARTMENT, I ASSUME VOLUNTARILY. 1599 00:52:18,767 --> 00:52:20,327 HE'S 5'4". I DON'T THINK HE DRAGGED HER. 1600 00:52:20,601 --> 00:52:26,901 [LAUGHTER] 1601 00:52:26,968 --> 00:52:28,467 HAS HIM EAT HER PUSSY AND THEN 1602 00:52:28,534 --> 00:52:30,968 IS MIFFED BECAUSE HE EXPECTED 1603 00:52:31,033 --> 00:52:34,133 INTERCOURSE, WHICH I DON'T THINK 1604 00:52:34,200 --> 00:52:35,834 IS AN UNREASONABLE EXPECTATION. 1605 00:52:35,901 --> 00:52:37,467 [LAUGHTER] 1606 00:52:37,534 --> 00:52:38,133 I DON'T. 1607 00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:41,701 I DON'T. 1608 00:52:41,767 --> 00:52:42,901 IT'S LIKE IF YOU WERE AT A 1609 00:52:42,968 --> 00:52:44,167 DINNER PARTY AND THEY SERVE A 1610 00:52:44,234 --> 00:52:46,133 SALAD COURSE. 1611 00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:50,434 [LAUGHTER] 1612 00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:53,000 AM I CRAZY TO THINK SOME CHICKEN 1613 00:52:53,067 --> 00:52:54,307 OR FISH IS GOING TO COME OUT OF 1614 00:52:54,367 --> 00:52:55,200 THAT KITCHEN AT SOME POINT? 1615 00:52:55,267 --> 00:52:56,868 I DON'T THINK SO. 1616 00:52:56,934 --> 00:53:03,200 [APPLAUSE] 1617 00:53:03,267 --> 00:53:04,701 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1618 00:53:04,767 --> 00:53:05,868 YEAH. 1619 00:53:05,934 --> 00:53:07,634 SHE WAS PISSED OFF BECAUSE SHE 1620 00:53:07,701 --> 00:53:10,367 SAID HE MISSED THE SIGNALS. 1621 00:53:10,434 --> 00:53:11,968 OH, YES, HONEY, IT'S SO HARD TO 1622 00:53:12,033 --> 00:53:13,434 HEAR THE SIGNALS WITH MY HEAD 1623 00:53:13,500 --> 00:53:17,901 BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS, YOU KNOW? 1624 00:53:17,968 --> 00:53:18,267 WILL [LAUGHTER] I'M SORRY, I... MY EAR IS 1625 00:53:18,968 --> 00:53:23,100 PRESSED UP AGAINST YOU. 1626 00:53:23,167 --> 00:53:25,033 LOOK, I'M NOT SLUT SHAMING 1627 00:53:25,100 --> 00:53:26,467 HERE. 1628 00:53:26,534 --> 00:53:28,868 I DON'T EVEN THINK THERE SHOULD 1629 00:53:28,934 --> 00:53:30,543 BE SUCH A WORD AS SLUT AT ALL. THANK YOU, SLUT. 1630 00:53:30,567 --> 00:53:34,434 [LAUGHTER] 1631 00:53:34,500 --> 00:53:35,934 NICE TO SEE THAT. 1632 00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:36,934 SLUTS ARE ALWAYS IN THE BACK AT 1633 00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:38,801 COMEDY SHOWS. 1634 00:53:38,868 --> 00:53:40,068 MUSIC, THEY'RE RIGHT UP FRONT. 1635 00:53:40,133 --> 00:53:43,167 WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT 1636 00:53:43,234 --> 00:53:44,274 THAT, BUT... NO, A SLUT IS 1637 00:53:44,334 --> 00:53:44,868 SOMEONE WHO'S HAVING MORE SEX 1638 00:53:44,934 --> 00:53:46,234 THAN YOU ARE. 1639 00:53:46,300 --> 00:53:47,443 THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF A SLUT. 1640 00:53:47,467 --> 00:53:49,734 [LAUGHTER] 1641 00:53:49,801 --> 00:53:50,567 [APPLAUSE] 1642 00:53:50,634 --> 00:53:52,267 SO I'M NOT SLUT SHAMING HER. 1643 00:53:52,334 --> 00:53:53,467 BUT COME ON, HONEY. 1644 00:53:53,534 --> 00:53:54,934 YOU DID LET A GUY YOU KNEW FOR 1645 00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:55,701 THREE HOURS PUT HIS TONGUE IN 1646 00:53:55,767 --> 00:53:58,200 YOUR COOCH. 1647 00:53:58,267 --> 00:53:59,534 SO MAYBE STICKLER FOR THE RULES 1648 00:53:59,601 --> 00:54:01,467 ISN'T YOUR BEST PERSONA. 1649 00:54:01,534 --> 00:54:05,968 [LAUGHTER] 1650 00:54:06,033 --> 00:54:07,767 I MEAN, I JUST WONDER WHO ARE 1651 00:54:07,834 --> 00:54:09,834 THESE THESE PERFECT PEOPLE THAT 1652 00:54:09,901 --> 00:54:10,976 WE HAVE IN AMERICA NOW, SO MANY 1653 00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:12,500 PERFECT PEOPLE WHO NEVER MAKE A 1654 00:54:12,567 --> 00:54:13,968 MISTAKE, NEVER DO ANYTHING 1655 00:54:14,033 --> 00:54:15,968 WRONG, GET TO JUDGE YOUR DATE. 1656 00:54:16,033 --> 00:54:17,353 I DON'T LIKE THE DATE YOU WERE ON. 1657 00:54:17,601 --> 00:54:20,234 WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU LIKE? 1658 00:54:20,300 --> 00:54:21,820 YOU KNOW, I MEAN, HE DID NOTHING WRONG. 1659 00:54:22,167 --> 00:54:23,167 NOTHING COERCIVE, NOTHING 1660 00:54:23,234 --> 00:54:25,367 IMMORAL, NOTHING DIFFERENT THAN 1661 00:54:25,434 --> 00:54:27,567 THE WAY PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS 1662 00:54:27,634 --> 00:54:29,434 FUMBLED TOWARD GETTING LAID. 1663 00:54:29,500 --> 00:54:32,300 IT'S NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE. 1664 00:54:32,367 --> 00:54:34,000 I AM ALWAYS JEALOUS OF GAY MEN, 1665 00:54:34,067 --> 00:54:37,000 YOU KNOW. 1666 00:54:37,067 --> 00:54:38,143 THEY DON'T HAVE TO TALK ANYBODY 1667 00:54:38,167 --> 00:54:39,367 INTO IT, YOU KNOW? THEY JUST... 1668 00:54:39,467 --> 00:54:43,334 [LAUGHTER] 1669 00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:43,834 I LIKE IT. 1670 00:54:43,901 --> 00:54:44,901 YOU LIKE IT? 1671 00:54:44,934 --> 00:54:49,601 LET'S DO IT. 1672 00:54:49,667 --> 00:54:49,868 [LAUGHTER] WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LEAVE THE 1673 00:54:50,567 --> 00:54:51,467 BAR. 1674 00:54:51,534 --> 00:54:58,200 [LAUGHTER] 1675 00:54:58,267 --> 00:54:59,400 NOW, ALL MY LIFE, I'VE HEARD 1676 00:54:59,467 --> 00:55:01,067 THIS TERM "A SURE THING." 1677 00:55:01,133 --> 00:55:02,634 I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, FOLKS, 1678 00:55:02,701 --> 00:55:04,334 THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A 1679 00:55:04,400 --> 00:55:07,267 SURE THING, AND I CAN PROVE IT. 1680 00:55:07,334 --> 00:55:10,367 I WAS ONCE WITH A WOMAN SOME 1681 00:55:10,434 --> 00:55:11,968 YEARS AGO, AND I WAS FULLY 1682 00:55:12,033 --> 00:55:15,000 NAKED AND FULLY ERECT. 1683 00:55:15,067 --> 00:55:16,300 GOODNIGHT, LADIES. 1684 00:55:16,367 --> 00:55:18,667 [LAUGHTER] 1685 00:55:18,734 --> 00:55:21,067 I THOUGHT I'D LEAVE ON A HIGH 1686 00:55:21,133 --> 00:55:22,000 NOTE, BUT NO, I WAS FULLY NAKED, 1687 00:55:22,067 --> 00:55:23,901 FULLY ERECT. 1688 00:55:23,968 --> 00:55:24,500 SHE WAS FULLY NAKED AND FULLY 1689 00:55:24,567 --> 00:55:29,901 ERECT. 1690 00:55:29,968 --> 00:55:31,076 [LAUGHTER] I'M TELLING YOU THIS. 1691 00:55:31,100 --> 00:55:32,610 THIS SHIT WAS HOT. AND I WAS, YOU KNOW, JUST ABOUT 1692 00:55:32,634 --> 00:55:33,534 ... 1693 00:55:33,601 --> 00:55:35,634 [LAUGHTER] 1694 00:55:35,701 --> 00:55:37,100 IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE SPACE 1695 00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:38,367 MOVIES, YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU... 1696 00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:41,534 [LAUGHTER] 1697 00:55:41,601 --> 00:55:43,067 YOU KNOW, THEY'RE PLAYING THE 1698 00:55:43,133 --> 00:55:43,901 CLASSICAL MUSIC AND IT'S ABOUT 1699 00:55:43,968 --> 00:55:45,200 TO DOCK. 1700 00:55:45,267 --> 00:55:46,901 AND THEN AT THE LAST SECOND, SHE 1701 00:55:46,968 --> 00:55:47,767 CHANGED HER MIND, AND I HAD TO 1702 00:55:47,834 --> 00:55:50,734 TAKE MY BALLS AND GO HOME. 1703 00:55:50,801 --> 00:55:51,844 AND THAT'S WHEN I LEARNED DATING 1704 00:55:51,868 --> 00:55:53,701 IS LIKE THE MOVIE INDUSTRY. 1705 00:55:53,767 --> 00:55:54,334 I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN IT'S IN THE 1706 00:55:54,400 --> 00:55:59,100 CAN. 1707 00:55:59,167 --> 00:55:59,367 [LAUGHTER] 1708 00:55:59,434 --> 00:56:02,868 BUT... 1709 00:56:02,934 --> 00:56:03,976 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] BUT YOU KNOW, THAT'S... THAT'S 1710 00:56:04,000 --> 00:56:04,801 LIFE. 1711 00:56:04,868 --> 00:56:06,043 YOU KNOW THAT PROBABLY THE MOST 1712 00:56:06,067 --> 00:56:07,834 AWKWARD, DIFFICULT TRANSITION 1713 00:56:07,901 --> 00:56:10,434 ANY TWO HUMANS CAN EVER MAKE IS, 1714 00:56:10,500 --> 00:56:11,100 I LIKE YOU. 1715 00:56:11,167 --> 00:56:13,567 YOU LIKE ME. 1716 00:56:13,634 --> 00:56:14,643 BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ACTUALLY 1717 00:56:14,667 --> 00:56:16,701 INSIDE YOU. 1718 00:56:16,767 --> 00:56:17,777 I'M... I'M ASKING NOW IF I COULD 1719 00:56:17,801 --> 00:56:23,968 BE INSIDE YOU. 1720 00:56:24,033 --> 00:56:24,234 [LAUGHTER] IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU COME TO 1721 00:56:24,868 --> 00:56:25,367 SOMEBODY'S DOOR AND THEY'RE 1722 00:56:25,434 --> 00:56:26,934 LIKE, CAN I COME IN? 1723 00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:27,834 AND THEY'RE LIKE, LET'S JUST 1724 00:56:27,901 --> 00:56:29,267 TALK RIGHT HERE. 1725 00:56:29,334 --> 00:56:31,167 [LAUGHTER] 1726 00:56:31,234 --> 00:56:32,310 IN FACT, I'M GOING TO COME OUT 1727 00:56:32,334 --> 00:56:33,234 ON THE PORCH, IF YOU DON'T MIND. 1728 00:56:33,300 --> 00:56:36,467 YOU KNOW. 1729 00:56:36,534 --> 00:56:38,467 I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T THINK IT'S 1730 00:56:38,534 --> 00:56:39,234 HARD TO CROSS AT LEAST THE 1731 00:56:39,300 --> 00:56:41,500 HETEROSEXUAL DIVIDE. 1732 00:56:41,567 --> 00:56:42,400 LET ME TELL YOU THIS, I'VE 1733 00:56:42,467 --> 00:56:44,467 NEVER, NEVER MET A WOMAN WHO 1734 00:56:44,534 --> 00:56:46,200 I'VE KNOWN FOR ANY AMOUNT OF 1735 00:56:46,267 --> 00:56:50,067 TIME WHO DIDN'T HAVE SOME 1736 00:56:50,133 --> 00:56:51,567 VERSION OF A STORY WHERE THEY 1737 00:56:51,634 --> 00:56:54,200 WERE INTRODUCED TO A GUY, MET 1738 00:56:54,267 --> 00:56:54,868 THEM ONLINE, ACROSS THE ROOM, AT 1739 00:56:54,934 --> 00:56:56,300 A BAR, WHATEVER. 1740 00:56:56,367 --> 00:56:57,667 AND THEY WERE LIKE, OH, HE SHE'S 1741 00:56:57,734 --> 00:56:58,868 CUTE. 1742 00:56:58,934 --> 00:57:00,367 HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A PSYCHO. 1743 00:57:00,434 --> 00:57:02,267 THEY THOUGHT SOMETHING GOOD 1744 00:57:02,334 --> 00:57:04,567 MIGHT HAPPEN AND THEN THEY ALL 1745 00:57:04,634 --> 00:57:07,767 HAVE SOME VERSION OF, AND THEN 1746 00:57:07,834 --> 00:57:08,400 HE OPENED HIS MOUTH, AND I LOST 1747 00:57:08,467 --> 00:57:09,901 INTEREST. 1748 00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:12,934 EVERY WOMAN HAS THAT STORY... 1749 00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:14,834 [APPLAUSE] 1750 00:57:14,901 --> 00:57:16,133 AND NO MEN. 1751 00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:18,868 [LAUGHTER] 1752 00:57:18,934 --> 00:57:21,534 NO MEN. 1753 00:57:21,601 --> 00:57:24,934 MEN DO NOT HAVE THAT STORY. 1754 00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:26,040 I WAS THE WORST WHEN I WAS 1755 00:57:26,100 --> 00:57:27,834 YOUNGER. 1756 00:57:27,901 --> 00:57:29,567 A WOMAN COULD SAY ANYTHING. 1757 00:57:29,634 --> 00:57:30,901 SHE COULD SAY, "I'M A NAZI." 1758 00:57:30,968 --> 00:57:33,667 [LAUGHTER] 1759 00:57:33,734 --> 00:57:35,033 AND I'D BE LIKE, SO WERE YOU 1760 00:57:35,100 --> 00:57:37,400 ALWAYS INTERESTED IN GERMANY, OR 1761 00:57:37,467 --> 00:57:40,434 WAS IT MORE OF A POLITICAL... 1762 00:57:40,500 --> 00:57:43,067 [LAUGHTER] 1763 00:57:43,133 --> 00:57:45,400 SO, LOOK, WE'VE COME A LONG WAY. 1764 00:57:45,467 --> 00:57:49,167 NOT SO MUCH MEN, BUT, YOU KNOW, 1765 00:57:49,234 --> 00:57:51,467 WE'RE TRYING, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, 1766 00:57:51,534 --> 00:57:53,334 100 YEARS AGO, MEN DIDN'T EVEN 1767 00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:56,033 THINK WOMEN HAD SEXUAL FEELINGS. 1768 00:57:56,100 --> 00:57:56,634 NOW WE KNOW THEY ACTUALLY HAVE 1769 00:57:56,701 --> 00:57:58,434 BETTER ONES. 1770 00:57:58,500 --> 00:57:59,234 THE CLITORIS HAS OVER 8,000 1771 00:57:59,300 --> 00:58:01,267 NERVE ENDINGS. 1772 00:58:01,334 --> 00:58:01,834 IT'S ALMOST AS SENSITIVE AS 1773 00:58:01,901 --> 00:58:02,934 MILLENNIALS. 1774 00:58:03,000 --> 00:58:05,701 [LAUGHTER] 1775 00:58:05,767 --> 00:58:06,801 I LOVE MINE. 1776 00:58:06,868 --> 00:58:07,934 WHERE ARE MY MILLENNIALS? 1777 00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:09,334 I LOVE MY MILLENNIALS. 1778 00:58:09,400 --> 00:58:11,767 THEY GOT ME THROUGH THE 1779 00:58:11,834 --> 00:58:12,901 PANDEMIC, AND THE KIDS MY 1780 00:58:12,968 --> 00:58:15,434 AGE WOULDN'T GO OUT TO PLAY. 1781 00:58:15,500 --> 00:58:16,734 I DIDN'T KNOW WHY BOOMERS AND 1782 00:58:16,801 --> 00:58:18,276 MILLENNIALS, WHY ARE WE ALWAYS FEUDING? 1783 00:58:18,300 --> 00:58:19,443 THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, YOU RUINED THE WORLD. 1784 00:58:19,467 --> 00:58:20,867 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 1785 00:58:20,968 --> 00:58:22,067 RUINED THE WORLD. 1786 00:58:22,133 --> 00:58:24,868 TAKE IT. 1787 00:58:24,934 --> 00:58:26,300 YOU'RE OVER 40 NOW. 1788 00:58:26,367 --> 00:58:27,701 THE OLDEST OF YOU. 1789 00:58:27,767 --> 00:58:29,207 YOU'VE HAD FIVE ELECTIONS TO VOTE IN. 1790 00:58:29,567 --> 00:58:30,667 TAKE THE WORLD. 1791 00:58:30,734 --> 00:58:31,910 NO ONE IS JUST GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU. 1792 00:58:31,934 --> 00:58:32,868 THAT'S A PROBLEM. 1793 00:58:32,934 --> 00:58:34,009 YOU GREW UP STEALING MUSIC AND 1794 00:58:34,033 --> 00:58:34,634 NOW YOU THINK EVERYTHING SHOULD 1795 00:58:34,701 --> 00:58:35,767 BE FREE. 1796 00:58:35,834 --> 00:58:37,000 [LAUGHTER] 1797 00:58:37,067 --> 00:58:42,033 TAKE IT. 1798 00:58:42,100 --> 00:58:43,334 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1799 00:58:43,400 --> 00:58:45,400 AND GEN Z ARE EVEN WORSE. 1800 00:58:45,467 --> 00:58:46,710 BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING. 1801 00:58:46,734 --> 00:58:47,934 I MAY NEED THEIR BLOOD. 1802 00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:53,801 [LAUGHTER] 1803 00:58:53,868 --> 00:58:54,868 NO. I LOVE THE KIDS TODAY. 1804 00:58:55,200 --> 00:58:57,801 I DO. 1805 00:58:57,868 --> 00:58:59,701 BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY JUST... THEY 1806 00:58:59,767 --> 00:59:01,801 JUST SEEM TO BE LOCKED INTO 1807 00:59:01,868 --> 00:59:03,534 CHILDHOOD AS A WAY OF LIFE. 1808 00:59:03,601 --> 00:59:05,334 YOU KNOW, THEY EVEN HAVE A WORD 1809 00:59:05,400 --> 00:59:06,968 FOR WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING THAT 1810 00:59:07,033 --> 00:59:14,033 ISN'T CHILDISH, ADULTING. 1811 00:59:14,100 --> 00:59:15,610 HAVE YOU SEEN THIS, #Adulting. I SCRAMBLED AN EGG TODAY, 1812 00:59:15,634 --> 00:59:21,734 ADULTING. 1813 00:59:21,801 --> 00:59:22,801 #Adulting. [LAUGHTER] 1814 00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:24,680 I MADE A DENTAL APPOINTMENT, ADULTING. 1815 00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:26,343 I WIPE MY OWN ASS. I GUESS I'M TURNING INTO MY DAD. 1816 00:59:26,367 --> 00:59:31,634 [LAUGHTER] 1817 00:59:31,701 --> 00:59:33,033 I MEAN, THEY TALK A LOT ABOUT 1818 00:59:33,100 --> 00:59:34,801 FRAGILITY NOW IN THIS FRAGILITY. 1819 00:59:34,868 --> 00:59:36,801 IT'S WITH THE YOUNG. 1820 00:59:36,868 --> 00:59:39,868 LAST TIME I WENT TO USE UBER, 1821 00:59:39,934 --> 00:59:41,667 THE SCREEN CAME UP AND SAID, 1822 00:59:41,734 --> 00:59:42,334 WOULD YOU LIKE CONVERSATION WITH 1823 00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:45,868 THE DRIVER? 1824 00:59:45,934 --> 00:59:46,133 [LAUGHTER] OH, I DON'T KNOW. 1825 00:59:46,834 --> 00:59:47,300 LET'S JUST FUCKING WING IT 1826 00:59:47,367 --> 00:59:48,400 TODAY, SHALL WE? 1827 00:59:48,467 --> 00:59:49,934 LET'S JUST GO NUTS AND SEE WHAT 1828 00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:51,901 HAPPENS. 1829 00:59:51,968 --> 00:59:53,901 REALLY, WE HAVE TO PLAN FOR 1830 00:59:53,968 --> 00:59:56,200 THAT? 1831 00:59:56,267 --> 00:59:58,067 AND I HAVE TO BE RATED, I DON'T 1832 00:59:58,133 --> 01:00:00,400 WANT TO BE RATED BY A FUCKING 1833 01:00:00,467 --> 01:00:01,834 CAB DRIVER, AND I DON'T WANT TO 1834 01:00:01,901 --> 01:00:03,434 WASTE A NANOSECOND RATING HIM. 1835 01:00:03,500 --> 01:00:05,467 I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER 1836 01:00:05,534 --> 01:00:06,643 I GET OUT OF YOUR CAR, YOU CAN 1837 01:00:06,667 --> 01:00:08,801 KILL THE NEXT PASSENGER. 1838 01:00:08,868 --> 01:00:10,601 THAT'S FINE WITH ME. 1839 01:00:10,667 --> 01:00:12,300 IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. 1840 01:00:12,367 --> 01:00:17,601 [LAUGHTER] 1841 01:00:17,667 --> 01:00:19,634 BUT YOU KNOW, I MAY NEED UBER, 1842 01:00:19,701 --> 01:00:21,901 SO I DON'T WANT A BAD RATING. 1843 01:00:21,968 --> 01:00:23,367 SO I WIND UP TALKING TO THE GUY 1844 01:00:23,434 --> 01:00:24,367 AND HE DOESN'T WANT A BAD 1845 01:00:24,434 --> 01:00:25,567 RATING. 1846 01:00:25,634 --> 01:00:26,901 SO HE TALKS TO ME, PROBABLY 1847 01:00:26,968 --> 01:00:28,434 DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME EITHER. 1848 01:00:28,500 --> 01:00:29,400 SO WE'RE BOTH PUTTING ON THIS 1849 01:00:29,467 --> 01:00:32,934 KABUKI DANCE FOR EACH OTHER. 1850 01:00:33,000 --> 01:00:33,200 [LAUGHTER] AND I FEEL LIKE THIS IS SUCH AN 1851 01:00:33,901 --> 01:00:35,200 EPITOME OF WHAT MODERN LIFE IS. 1852 01:00:35,267 --> 01:00:39,868 PEOPLE FAKING THEIR LIFE, FAKING 1853 01:00:39,934 --> 01:00:41,009 WHAT IS INSTAGRAM, BUT FAKING 1854 01:00:41,033 --> 01:00:41,267 YOUR LIFE. 1855 01:00:41,334 --> 01:00:42,343 EVERYONE'S ALWAYS GETTING BLOWN 1856 01:00:42,367 --> 01:00:43,601 UNDER A PALM TREE OR DRINKING 1857 01:00:43,667 --> 01:00:46,667 MAI TAIS AT SUNSET. 1858 01:00:46,734 --> 01:00:48,701 NO ONE'S EVER DUCT TAPING THEIR 1859 01:00:48,767 --> 01:00:52,234 SIDE VIEW MIRROR BACK ONTO THEIR 1860 01:00:52,300 --> 01:00:54,267 '88 TERCEL, YOU KNOW, IT IS 1861 01:00:54,334 --> 01:00:55,601 YOLO. 1862 01:00:55,667 --> 01:01:02,801 [LAUGHTER] 1863 01:01:02,868 --> 01:01:05,000 VIRTUAL IS WORSE. 1864 01:01:05,067 --> 01:01:06,100 OKAY. 1865 01:01:06,167 --> 01:01:09,033 CAN WE JUST PUT IT OUT THERE? 1866 01:01:09,100 --> 01:01:09,801 VIRTUAL, WORSE THAN REAL. 1867 01:01:09,868 --> 01:01:12,667 REAL AND ACTUAL IS BETTER THAN 1868 01:01:12,734 --> 01:01:13,944 VIRTUAL AND FACE. THAT'S WHY YOU KIDS HAVE SO MUCH 1869 01:01:13,968 --> 01:01:16,500 ANXIETY. 1870 01:01:16,567 --> 01:01:18,087 YOU KNOW, JESUS CHRIST, JUST LET IT GO. 1871 01:01:18,367 --> 01:01:19,367 LIVE YOUR LIFE. ENJOY IT. 1872 01:01:19,567 --> 01:01:21,234 IT GOES FAST. 1873 01:01:21,300 --> 01:01:23,100 TRUST ME, IT GOES FAST. 1874 01:01:23,167 --> 01:01:24,434 I'M 66. 1875 01:01:24,500 --> 01:01:25,033 OF COURSE, I LOOK FUCKING 1876 01:01:25,100 --> 01:01:26,200 AMAZING. 1877 01:01:26,267 --> 01:01:30,434 SO... 1878 01:01:30,500 --> 01:01:31,067 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1879 01:01:31,133 --> 01:01:33,267 I'M FUCKING KIDDING WITH YOU. 1880 01:01:33,334 --> 01:01:33,901 BELIEVE ME, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK 1881 01:01:33,968 --> 01:01:36,100 LIKE. 1882 01:01:36,167 --> 01:01:37,447 NO, WHEN PEOPLE... BELIEVE ME, I 1883 01:01:37,500 --> 01:01:39,200 KNOW WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOU LOOK 1884 01:01:39,267 --> 01:01:40,410 GREAT, I ALWAYS SAY, YES, THE 1885 01:01:40,434 --> 01:01:41,476 UNSPOKEN PART IS ALWAYS FOR YOUR 1886 01:01:41,500 --> 01:01:45,167 AGE. 1887 01:01:45,234 --> 01:01:45,434 [LAUGHTER] 1888 01:01:45,500 --> 01:01:47,033 YOU LOOK GREAT FOR YOUR AGE. 1889 01:01:47,100 --> 01:01:48,143 BECAUSE REALLY, IF I WAS 30 AND 1890 01:01:48,167 --> 01:01:49,434 I WALKED IN HERE LIKE THIS, 1891 01:01:49,500 --> 01:01:50,976 YOU'D BE LIKE, OH MY GOD, WERE YOU IN A FIRE? 1892 01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:59,000 [LAUGHTER] 1893 01:01:59,100 --> 01:02:00,200 REALLY? 1894 01:02:00,267 --> 01:02:01,507 WHEN YOU'RE 66, YOU'RE DYING IN 1895 01:02:01,567 --> 01:02:03,534 THE MIRROR EVERY DAY. 1896 01:02:03,601 --> 01:02:05,434 EVERY DAY. 1897 01:02:05,500 --> 01:02:06,367 I'M LIKE, FUCK CORONA, DO 1898 01:02:06,434 --> 01:02:11,067 SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. 1899 01:02:11,133 --> 01:02:14,834 BUT, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I THINK 1900 01:02:14,901 --> 01:02:17,868 THE SECRET TO AGING, I HOPE, IS 1901 01:02:17,934 --> 01:02:19,467 YOU HAVE TO THROTTLE BACK ON 1902 01:02:19,534 --> 01:02:21,067 WHAT YOU USED TO BE ABLE 1903 01:02:21,133 --> 01:02:22,243 TO DO AND HOW MUCH YOU COULD 1904 01:02:22,267 --> 01:02:23,267 PUNISH YOUR BODY. 1905 01:02:23,334 --> 01:02:24,543 YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP DOING IT AT 1906 01:02:24,567 --> 01:02:26,767 THE RATE YOU USED TO DO IT. 1907 01:02:26,834 --> 01:02:28,200 I THINK I'VE DONE THAT PRETTY 1908 01:02:28,267 --> 01:02:29,200 WELL PLEASE, JESUS. 1909 01:02:29,267 --> 01:02:33,701 [LAUGHTER] 1910 01:02:33,767 --> 01:02:39,834 YOU KNOW WHEN I NEED HIM. 1911 01:02:39,901 --> 01:02:40,100 [LAUGHTER] BUT... BUT I THINK I HAVE YOU 1912 01:02:40,767 --> 01:02:41,200 KNOW, I USED TO SMOKE 1913 01:02:41,267 --> 01:02:42,267 CIGARETTES. 1914 01:02:42,300 --> 01:02:45,000 THAT WAS STUPID, BUT I STOPPED. 1915 01:02:45,067 --> 01:02:46,267 I USED TO DRINK IRISHLY, SHALL 1916 01:02:46,334 --> 01:02:48,567 WE SAY, STOPPED DOING THAT. 1917 01:02:48,634 --> 01:02:50,901 I STOPPED EATING POT. 1918 01:02:51,000 --> 01:02:53,434 [LAUGHTER] 1919 01:02:53,500 --> 01:02:55,467 SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, 1920 01:02:55,534 --> 01:02:56,968 BECAUSE I HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE. 1921 01:02:57,033 --> 01:02:59,000 I'VE ACTUALLY HAD... I HAD TWO 1922 01:02:59,067 --> 01:03:00,367 BAD, BAD EXPERIENCES. 1923 01:03:00,434 --> 01:03:00,968 AND LOOK, YOU KNOW ME. 1924 01:03:01,033 --> 01:03:02,534 I LOVE POT. 1925 01:03:02,601 --> 01:03:07,300 I HAVE SEEDS IN MY URINE, I... 1926 01:03:07,367 --> 01:03:07,567 [LAUGHTER] BUT I HAVE HAD TWO BAD 1927 01:03:08,100 --> 01:03:09,534 EXPERIENCES. 1928 01:03:09,601 --> 01:03:10,743 ONE, OH, THIS WAS ABOUT, I DON'T 1929 01:03:10,767 --> 01:03:11,334 KNOW, 12 YEARS AGO, SOMETHING 1930 01:03:11,400 --> 01:03:13,767 LIKE THAT. 1931 01:03:13,834 --> 01:03:15,033 I WAS HERE, WELL, NOT EXACTLY 1932 01:03:15,100 --> 01:03:17,000 HERE, BUT ON STAGE DOING THIS. 1933 01:03:17,067 --> 01:03:18,467 AND I WAS TOO HIGH. 1934 01:03:18,534 --> 01:03:22,801 I MEAN, I SAVED MY HIGH FOR YOU. 1935 01:03:22,868 --> 01:03:23,067 [LAUGHTER] 1936 01:03:23,133 --> 01:03:27,300 BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. 1937 01:03:27,367 --> 01:03:28,643 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] BUT I DO... BUT I DON'T KNOW. 1938 01:03:28,667 --> 01:03:29,910 SOMEONE SPIKED MY DOPE THAT NIGHT. 1939 01:03:29,934 --> 01:03:31,067 SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW. 1940 01:03:31,133 --> 01:03:32,267 BUT I WAS TOO HIGH ON STAGE. 1941 01:03:32,334 --> 01:03:33,334 IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. 1942 01:03:33,400 --> 01:03:34,801 THAT FIRST HALF HOUR OF THAT 1943 01:03:34,868 --> 01:03:36,100 SHOW, I GOT THROUGH IT, BUT I 1944 01:03:36,167 --> 01:03:37,701 WAS JUST HANGING ON BY A THREAD. 1945 01:03:37,767 --> 01:03:40,100 I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE AT ONE 1946 01:03:40,167 --> 01:03:43,000 POINT WHEN I SAID OBAMA AND THEN 1947 01:03:43,067 --> 01:03:44,367 THOUGHT, IS THAT HIS NAME? 1948 01:03:44,434 --> 01:03:46,868 [LAUGHTER] 1949 01:03:46,934 --> 01:03:48,067 OBAMA. 1950 01:03:48,133 --> 01:03:50,133 OBAMA. 1951 01:03:50,200 --> 01:03:51,767 OBAMA. 1952 01:03:51,834 --> 01:03:57,467 DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT. 1953 01:03:57,534 --> 01:03:59,934 [LAUGHTER] 1954 01:04:00,000 --> 01:04:01,334 THE OTHER TIME WAS EVEN WORSE 1955 01:04:01,400 --> 01:04:03,801 WAS ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO. 1956 01:04:03,868 --> 01:04:05,577 AND OH, MY GOD, THIS IS BEFORE DISPENSARIES, YOU KNOW. 1957 01:04:05,601 --> 01:04:06,777 SO YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH POT 1958 01:04:06,801 --> 01:04:08,000 IF YOU WERE EATING IT BECAUSE 1959 01:04:08,067 --> 01:04:09,334 YOU ATE IT IN A BROWNIE OR A 1960 01:04:09,400 --> 01:04:10,844 COOKIE, YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY PUT INTO IT. 1961 01:04:10,868 --> 01:04:12,200 HOW MUCH OF IT? 1962 01:04:12,267 --> 01:04:12,667 OH, MY GOD. I WAS HOME. 1963 01:04:13,200 --> 01:04:14,067 IT WAS A SATURDAY. 1964 01:04:14,133 --> 01:04:15,200 I HAD A LOT OF WORK TO DO. 1965 01:04:15,267 --> 01:04:17,234 I THOUGHT, OKAY, I'M GOING TO 1966 01:04:17,300 --> 01:04:18,033 GET A LOT OF WORK DONE TODAY. 1967 01:04:18,100 --> 01:04:19,634 I HAD THIS SHIT CALLED EPHEDRA. 1968 01:04:19,701 --> 01:04:21,101 YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? IT WAS LEGAL. 1969 01:04:21,467 --> 01:04:22,577 THEY SOLD IT IN THE HEALTH FOOD STORE. 1970 01:04:22,601 --> 01:04:24,067 IT WAS SPEED. 1971 01:04:24,133 --> 01:04:27,000 IT WAS SOME NUT FROM BRAZIL, AND 1972 01:04:27,067 --> 01:04:28,210 THIS NUT FROM NEW JERSEY TOOK IT. 1973 01:04:28,234 --> 01:04:30,500 [LAUGHTER] 1974 01:04:30,567 --> 01:04:32,267 AND I THOUGHT, OKAY, I'LL TAKE 1975 01:04:32,334 --> 01:04:33,968 THE EPHEDRA FOR ENERGY. 1976 01:04:34,033 --> 01:04:35,300 I'LL TAKE THE BROWNIE FOR 1977 01:04:35,367 --> 01:04:37,300 CREATIVITY. 1978 01:04:37,367 --> 01:04:39,000 OH, FUCK. 1979 01:04:39,067 --> 01:04:41,400 ABOUT A HALF HOUR INTO THIS, I 1980 01:04:41,467 --> 01:04:42,200 WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, THIS IS 1981 01:04:42,267 --> 01:04:43,334 GOING TO BE THE WORST. 1982 01:04:43,400 --> 01:04:44,100 AND IT WAS THE WORST NIGHT OF MY 1983 01:04:44,167 --> 01:04:45,267 LIFE. 1984 01:04:45,334 --> 01:04:46,634 I MEAN, I WAS FROZEN SITTING AT 1985 01:04:46,701 --> 01:04:49,167 MY DESK. 1986 01:04:49,234 --> 01:04:50,167 MY HEART WAS BEATING A TRILLION 1987 01:04:50,234 --> 01:04:51,901 TIMES A MINUTE. 1988 01:04:51,968 --> 01:04:53,009 I THOUGHT IF I MOVED, I WOULD 1989 01:04:53,033 --> 01:04:53,667 DIE. 1990 01:04:53,734 --> 01:04:55,133 [LAUGHTER] 1991 01:04:55,200 --> 01:04:56,901 AT ONE POINT, I THOUGHT MAYBE I 1992 01:04:56,968 --> 01:04:57,567 DID DIE AND THIS IS WHAT HELL 1993 01:04:57,634 --> 01:05:01,033 WAS LIKE. 1994 01:05:01,100 --> 01:05:01,300 [LAUGHTER] 1995 01:05:01,367 --> 01:05:06,801 I HAD NO IDEA WHAT REALITY WAS. 1996 01:05:06,868 --> 01:05:07,801 SO FINALLY, OR AFTER TEN SECONDS 1997 01:05:07,868 --> 01:05:09,701 IT COULD HAVE BEEN TEN 1998 01:05:09,767 --> 01:05:12,868 SECONDS, HONESTLY. 1999 01:05:12,934 --> 01:05:13,667 BUT I FINALLY... THE PHONE WAS 2000 01:05:13,734 --> 01:05:15,000 RIGHT THERE. 2001 01:05:15,067 --> 01:05:17,100 I COULDN'T MOVE TO GET TO IT. 2002 01:05:17,167 --> 01:05:18,367 I FINALLY PICKED UP THE PHONE 2003 01:05:18,434 --> 01:05:19,901 AND CALLED SOMEONE TO HELP ME. 2004 01:05:19,968 --> 01:05:22,033 THE SECOND I PUT THE PHONE DOWN, 2005 01:05:22,100 --> 01:05:23,200 I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER I HAD 2006 01:05:23,267 --> 01:05:25,300 ACTUALLY DONE THAT OR JUST 2007 01:05:25,367 --> 01:05:27,734 THOUGHT I HAD DONE THAT. 2008 01:05:27,801 --> 01:05:29,367 SO I CALLED SOMEBODY ELSE. 2009 01:05:29,434 --> 01:05:34,133 [LAUGHTER] 2010 01:05:34,200 --> 01:05:35,467 AN HOUR LATER, THERE WERE LIKE 2011 01:05:35,534 --> 01:05:38,701 20 PEOPLE IN MY LIVING ROOM, 2012 01:05:38,767 --> 01:05:40,334 WOMEN I HAD WORKED SO HARD TO 2013 01:05:40,400 --> 01:05:41,767 KEEP APART MET EACH OTHER ON 2014 01:05:41,834 --> 01:05:45,868 THAT NIGHT. 2015 01:05:45,934 --> 01:05:46,133 [LAUGHTER] I'M SO GLAD WE MET EACH OTHER ON 2016 01:05:46,868 --> 01:05:47,300 THIS NIGHT. 2017 01:05:47,367 --> 01:05:49,500 YOU WERE AN AMAZING AUDIENCE. 2018 01:05:49,567 --> 01:05:52,100 LOVE YOU, MIAMI. 2019 01:05:52,167 --> 01:05:52,567 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 2020 01:05:52,634 --> 01:05:54,200 I WANT TO THANK HBO. 2021 01:05:54,267 --> 01:05:58,934 THEY SAW SOMETHING IN ME IN 1989 2022 01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:01,334 WHEN THEY GAVE ME MY FIRST 2023 01:06:01,400 --> 01:06:02,667 SPECIAL, AND THIS IS THE 12TH 2024 01:06:02,734 --> 01:06:03,167 ONE WE'VE DONE TOGETHER. 2025 01:06:03,234 --> 01:06:05,133 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 2026 01:06:05,200 --> 01:06:13,200 ♪ ♪ 2027 01:06:13,834 --> 01:06:19,167 ♪ ♪ 2028 01:06:19,234 --> 01:06:26,968 ♪ ♪