1 00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:04,004 [chattering] 2 00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:07,632 Why is the office so mellow today? 3 00:00:07,632 --> 00:00:10,719 Oh, add kombucha on tap, and we might be at Google. 4 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:14,347 Isn't it nice? Mr. Rhodes is at a global leadership conference in the Netherlands. 5 00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:17,058 - [Nell] Hmm. - Ooh, I'm picturing Skarsgårds everywhere, 6 00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:18,143 and I want to be there. 7 00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:20,311 - Yum. - Uh, that's Sweden, but you know, same. 8 00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,148 - [slurps] - My dear, never slurp. 9 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,941 - It gives men the wrong idea. - [Nell] Hmm. 10 00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:26,818 Oh, Nell, did you get that obituary assignment? 11 00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,653 - Mary Sue Manners? - Sure did. 12 00:00:28,653 --> 00:00:31,906 Ooh, the public access lady that had the etiquette show for, like, 40 years? 13 00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:34,117 Manners Matter with Mary Sue Manners. 14 00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:36,036 Poor old broad choked to death on crudités. 15 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,996 - Have fun writing that one. -"Old broad"? 16 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,248 Everyone, stop relaxing. 17 00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:43,877 I just hung up with my father's hologram, and, effective immediately, 18 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:47,213 we will be merging the two floors of the newsroom into one. 19 00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:51,676 So, pop a breath mint, and get ready to say hello to your new officemates. 20 00:00:51,676 --> 00:00:52,761 [crowd murmurs] 21 00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:55,096 As you know, my father is attending a conference 22 00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:58,099 about the Dutch productivity philosophy, uitmuntendheid. 23 00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,769 It's a three-pronged approach: a livable wage, 24 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:04,355 - solid benefits, and an intimate office. - [crowd murmurs] 25 00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:06,024 Father was offended by the first two, 26 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,859 but I thought the third one sounded kind of fun. 27 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:11,446 So scooch over, everybody. Mason has the new seating assignments. 28 00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:16,284 And you can slip your thank-you notes under my office door. Enjoy. 29 00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,795 {\an8}[Sam] It's weird but kind of exciting, right? 30 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,547 {\an8}Like meeting your roommate on the first day of college? 31 00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:31,674 {\an8}Oh, my roommate in college ate my blanket. 32 00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:32,759 {\an8}She ate it. 33 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,553 {\an8}- So it can't be worse than that. Yeah. - Yeah. 34 00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:40,517 {\an8}Nell, you'll be sharing your disgusting cubicle with TJ Silva. 35 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:43,978 {\an8}You might wanna clean up the ants and stick a Febreze somewhere. [sniffs] 36 00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:46,564 {\an8}TJ Silva, the sportswriter. 37 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:48,817 {\an8}He started here right before you left for England. 38 00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:52,112 {\an8}He's literally the nicest guy in the office. 39 00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,697 {\an8}Maybe I will freshen up my space. 40 00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:56,324 {\an8}Ah, that's a wonderful idea. 41 00:01:56,324 --> 00:02:00,161 {\an8}A hostess should always provide a pleasant environment for her guests. 42 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:05,041 {\an8}Do you have any soaps shaped like shellfish or fun aquatic creatures? 43 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,960 {\an8}- [coworker 1] He-Hey. - Hey, B-dawg. 44 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,170 {\an8}- I haven't seen you in a minute. - [chuckles] 45 00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:11,714 {\an8}Derrick, still can't believe you got today's Wordle in two. 46 00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:13,716 {\an8}- Who does that? - [Derrick] When you got it, you got it. 47 00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:16,386 {\an8}Cheryl, how is your cat doing with the Prozac? 48 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:17,804 {\an8}I stopped using Band-Aids. 49 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,014 {\an8}Well, give Peaches a little belly rub for me. 50 00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:23,518 {\an8}Aw, he's got nicknames for everyone. And he cares about animal mental health. 51 00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:26,104 {\an8}And he doesn't eat blankets that I know of. 52 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,355 - Good luck. - Mm-hmm. 53 00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:28,439 [coworker 2] Later, TJ. 54 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,276 - Hi, I'm Nell. - [TJ] Mm-hmm. 55 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,735 Welcome to our cubicle. 56 00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:36,281 I mean, they're all the same, but this one's the best. 57 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,365 Cool. 58 00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:41,077 Feel free to use, you know, anything of mine: pens, Post-its, my thesaurus. 59 00:02:41,077 --> 00:02:42,453 I'm very solicitous. 60 00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:44,038 Hey, String Cheese. What's up? 61 00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:47,167 {\an8}- [laughs] It's my favorite snack. - [TJ laughs] Yeah, it is. 62 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,128 {\an8}Ooh, I see what you have on your hands. 63 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:52,714 {\an8}I call this the difficult guest. 64 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:56,509 {\an8}I addressed that in an episode entitled "The Difficult Guest." 65 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,927 {\an8}What did you do? 66 00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,013 {\an8}I found the flower that grew in his childhood garden, 67 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,974 {\an8}and I presented it on his table setting when he sat down to dinner. 68 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,602 {\an8}There's a plant in the bathroom. 69 00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:07,812 {\an8}- [Nell] Hey, TJ. - Ugh. [mumbles] 70 00:03:07,812 --> 00:03:10,148 {\an8}So since we're working alongside each other, 71 00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,984 {\an8}I wanted to get you a cubicle-warming gift. 72 00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,360 Hope you enjoy it. 73 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,863 - Cool. Thanks. - Mm-hmm. 74 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,198 [TJ sighs] 75 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,575 I love it. 76 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,829 Hmm. I don't think you're gonna get a nickname. 77 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,166 - [typing] - [phones beeping] 78 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,293 [Sam] Why are there a bunch of children in my office? 79 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,420 - Hello? - Hello. 80 00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,797 - Hello-- Oh, what? Huh? - This is our social media team. 81 00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,841 They turn our news stories into 30-second TikToks. 82 00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:40,220 - Well, ticktock. I need my office back. - Bad news, it's their office now. 83 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:44,224 Good news, you're getting another one that you have to share with another person. 84 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:47,352 That sounds like two bad "news-es." Who am I stuck with? 85 00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,562 - Yay. This is gonna be so fun. - [cheers] Totally. 86 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,731 It's gonna be like a slumber party you wear your work clothes to. 87 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,192 - You're right. It's gonna be fun. - Luckily, we both like the window... 88 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,318 - Open. - ...closed. 89 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:57,403 I mean closed. [chuckles] Yay. 90 00:03:58,279 --> 00:03:59,989 Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, Cheryl. 91 00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:03,159 Some people just have to sit on the floor. Them's the breaks. 92 00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:05,161 - Okay. - [hums] 93 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,038 How's it going, Mason? 94 00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,873 Everything working out with the new arrangement? 95 00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:10,208 - Oh. Aces, boss. - [sighs] 96 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:12,502 - Everybody's really loving it. - Excellent. 97 00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,505 I'm off to lunch with a gentleman friend. I'll be back in half an hour. 98 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,090 Forty-five minutes if I'm lucky. 99 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:23,179 Hey, I had an extra string cheese, and I thought, "Why not give it to my man, TJ?" 100 00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:24,264 Dude, 101 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:26,975 - bring it in. - [chuckles] 102 00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:29,102 [TJ] That is so thoughtful. 103 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,688 I was having a blood sugar dip, and along comes a hero. 104 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,231 - All right. - [TJ laughs] Yeah. 105 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,233 Oh. [stammers, clears throat] 106 00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:38,569 Hey, everybody, old Nelly-Belly's getting coffee. Who wants one? My treat. 107 00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:41,155 Ooh, I'd love a coffee. I'll get a list going. 108 00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:42,657 Who wants a coffee? 109 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,451 Hey, TJ, I'm not sure if you heard, but I'm getting coffee for my peeps. 110 00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,245 - No, thanks. I'm good. - Can-- I-- No, never-- 111 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,956 I didn't have a breakfast. Do you mind if I get a couple of muffins? 112 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,958 Yeah, I do mind, Tina. 113 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,711 ♪ When an edit comes along ♪ ♪ You must click it ♪ 114 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:59,132 ♪ Another edit comes along ♪ ♪ You must click it ♪ 115 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,800 - Dennis! - [yelps] 116 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,552 Oh, my God. I forgot you were here. 117 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,387 Can you not click your pen? 118 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,597 Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. [chuckles] 119 00:05:06,597 --> 00:05:09,267 - Yes, I will stop that. - Okay. 120 00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,186 Stop it good. [scats] 121 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,399 {\an8}[Sam] Oh, hey, your calendar is flipped to June 2021. 122 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,359 - Let me fix that for ya. - Leave it! 123 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:22,071 [clears throat] I mean... [chuckles] 124 00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:24,198 ...please, uh, leave it. 125 00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:27,452 I'm-- I'm a big fan of the picture for June. 126 00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:28,786 Yeah, but it's the-- 127 00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:30,288 - it's the wrong month... - Mm-hmm. 128 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,581 ...and the wrong year. 129 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,374 And if I have to look at that every single day, 130 00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:35,918 it's going to drive me bananas. So-- 131 00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,879 Hmm. 132 00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:43,551 But you know, if a calendar page is that important to you, then-- 133 00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:44,552 Great. Thank you. 134 00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,555 Well, TJ hates me. 135 00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:48,806 What? Why? 136 00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:50,975 I don't know. I've tried everything. 137 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:54,937 Gifts. Hid my desk junk. Bought everybody in the office coffee. 138 00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:58,107 Oh, thank you for my iced caramel hazelnut mocha. 139 00:05:58,107 --> 00:05:59,317 - Oh, that was you? - Mm-hmm. 140 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:00,860 You owe me nine bucks. 141 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,154 Nell, maybe TJ's just having a bad day, you know? 142 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,947 [coworkers laughing] 143 00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:07,033 [coworker 3] TJ, you are so funny. 144 00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:09,035 Okay. 145 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,829 Well, sometimes when someone acts weird, 146 00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:14,082 it's about something that's completely out of your control. 147 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:17,168 Like, maybe you just, like, remind him of an ex-girlfriend or something. 148 00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:20,505 Or, Nell, maybe your name reminds him of that Jodie Foster movie 149 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,673 where she can't talk because of the woods. 150 00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:24,967 - You think so? - Whatever's going on with TJ, 151 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:26,219 it's best to just let it go. 152 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,596 He's right. You guys have to work right next to each other, 153 00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:31,682 - so just don't make it weird. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. 154 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,185 I'ma go make things weird. 155 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,647 [sighs] Hey, TJ, can we-- 156 00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:39,524 Stupid plant. 157 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:43,152 Hey. Hey. Hi. 158 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:47,407 I feel like we need to talk about the tension that's happening between us. 159 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:50,993 Oh, wow. I didn't think you were gonna bring it up. 160 00:06:50,993 --> 00:06:53,037 For sure, let's discuss the elephant in the room. 161 00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:54,122 Yes. 162 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,791 And exactly what is our elephant? 163 00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,710 Oh, my God. Are you serious? 164 00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,755 November 2nd, 2016 ring a bell? 165 00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,465 Who remembers something from that long ago? 166 00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:05,842 It was the night you destroyed 167 00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,261 what could have been the greatest moment of my life. 168 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,430 Yeah, still nothing. 169 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,974 Of course you don't remember. Why would you? 170 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:17,019 A person who's capable of doing what you did wouldn't bother to remember. 171 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:22,817 [sighs] How am I supposed to remember what happened seven years ago? 172 00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,861 Oh, just check your social diary. 173 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,696 I don't have a social diary. 174 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:29,532 Then how do you keep track of the people with whom you've had brunch? 175 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:33,035 Damn. What the hell did I do in 2016? 176 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:34,370 [smacks lips] I don't know, 177 00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:36,414 turn 40? 178 00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:38,166 I will punch you in the neck. 179 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,839 I'll show you a social diary. 180 00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,301 [sighs] Hello, old friends. 181 00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:52,597 What are you doing here? You're never home this early. 182 00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:53,681 Well, I needed to-- Ugh. 183 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,934 Since when did you become a afternoon robe guy? 184 00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,519 I like the way the fabric feels on my arm hairs. 185 00:07:58,519 --> 00:07:59,896 I don't know why I asked. 186 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,523 Lexi's doing this stupid thing where she's forcing us to have cubicle mates, 187 00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:04,650 and mine hates me for something I don't remember doing. 188 00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,652 So I'm going through the photos of my old cell phones 189 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,779 to figure out what happened that pissed him off so much. 190 00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:11,449 'Cause I don't want to sit next to someone who actively hates me 191 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,159 for the next forever many years. 192 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,244 You keep all your old cell phones? 193 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:19,457 Yeah, that was the headline of this rant. Thank you for your active listening. 194 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,626 I don't understand. Have you never heard of the Cloud? 195 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:23,127 No, I do not trust the Cloud. 196 00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:25,171 [floor creaks] 197 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,257 Someone in your room, robe guy? 198 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:31,302 Oh, my God. Is your sex friend in there? 199 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,679 No, I-- I just ate some dairy. 200 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,014 That's what that sound was. 201 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,559 Uh-uh. Mm-mmm. 202 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,520 No. No. No. Ew. 203 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,104 Gross. Bye. 204 00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:43,773 You're gross. 205 00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:46,317 Did I just hear Nell speaking ill 206 00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,110 about the conditions of her new work environment? 207 00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:49,779 Yeah. She hates it. 208 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:52,907 I checked in with an underling, and he said everyone was, quote, "aces." 209 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:54,575 Maybe that's because you're his boss, 210 00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:56,410 and he's saying what he thinks you want to hear. 211 00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:57,828 Employees do that? 212 00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:59,205 Yeah. 213 00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,457 Sometimes, lovers do it too. 214 00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,501 For instance, I may have led you to believe that I like-- 215 00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:05,962 But if people are complaining, then they won't be productive. 216 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,964 And that flies in the face of uitmuntendheid. 217 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:12,552 - You're leaving already? - Yeah. 218 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,887 We didn't get a chance to-- [imitating club music] 219 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:16,180 Oh, well, don't tempt me. 220 00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:18,266 [continues imitation] 221 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:20,893 No, I must go. 222 00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:26,524 Let's see. 2016, 2016. [inhales deeply] 223 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,526 Ooh, I did not have my selfie game down yet. 224 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,778 These angles are all really nostril-heavy. 225 00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:33,698 Oh, I found it. November 2nd, 2016. 226 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,491 [gasps] Hey, and I was with you guys. 227 00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:37,076 [both smack lips] Aw. 228 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,453 - [Nell] Yeah. - Look how on fleek I was. 229 00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:41,289 [Nell] I had bangs and Sam didn't. 230 00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:43,249 [both] Sam's are better. 231 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,251 But what happened that night? 232 00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,087 Okay, tell me when I'm married and have kids, 233 00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:50,506 I can still do four shots of Jäger on a Wednesday, right? 234 00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,216 - Of course. - Right. Nothing's gonna change. 235 00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,468 Oh, I'm in that, like, sweet spot of drunk, you know? 236 00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:57,388 I'm feeling, like, flirty and I'm feeling a little girlie. 237 00:09:57,388 --> 00:10:00,391 You know, I think I might get somebody's number tonight. 238 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:03,978 - Yeah. - I think it's time to spin that phone. 239 00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,896 - Spin that phone? - [Dennis] You better spin that phone. 240 00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:07,982 [all chanting] She gon' spin that phone? You gon' spin that phone. 241 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:11,819 She gon' spin that phone. 242 00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:19,076 She gon' spin that phone again. 243 00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,079 [chuckles] Yeah. 244 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,915 I think I found my man. 245 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,084 Oh, my God. 246 00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:29,879 That's why TJ's been mad at me all these years. 247 00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:32,923 I got his number, and I never called him back. I broke his heart. 248 00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:35,259 [gasps] I'm such a hot monster. 249 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:36,802 Oh, and then years later, 250 00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:41,182 having all of this just shoved up in his poor, little face. 251 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,434 I'ma go apologize. 252 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:44,644 [Sam] Mm-hmm. 253 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,605 Okay. [sighs] All right. 254 00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:49,982 [clicks tongue] I just have to say it. 255 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,528 {\an8}The reason why I hate your calendar is 256 00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:58,324 {\an8}because June is the month of my wedding anniversary, 257 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:02,662 and that is the last thing you wanna be reminded of when you are separated. 258 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,955 Oh, my God, Sam. I'm so sorry. 259 00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:07,875 It's okay. I forgive you. Come here. 260 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,960 [chuckles] Wait a minute. 261 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,045 What? 262 00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:13,839 I wore a wool-knit Mr. Turk to your wedding, 263 00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:16,217 which I would never wear during the summer. 264 00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:18,094 You didn't get married in June. 265 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:20,137 - [inhales deeply] Okay, fine. Fine. - [gasps] 266 00:11:20,137 --> 00:11:21,931 I just find the calendar annoying. 267 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:25,643 Oh. Well, it is not half as annoying as every time you send an e-mail, 268 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:28,479 you feel compelled to say, "Whoosh, bye-bye." 269 00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:29,814 That is adorable. 270 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:33,776 It is so not. And maybe I could handle it, if it weren't for the hard-boiled eggs 271 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,237 that you shove down your gullet like a pelican. 272 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:39,865 News flash, Sam. Nobody likes food that smells like farts. 273 00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,660 - Okay. - What are you doing? No. 274 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:43,911 [both groan] 275 00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:46,539 Now it's gonna smell like that all day. 276 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,998 Oh, I know. 277 00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:49,500 [gasps] 278 00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:53,337 Okay. I remember our elephant. 279 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,841 I asked for your number, and I never called you. 280 00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:58,759 I'm-- I'm really sorry. 281 00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:00,720 What are you talking about? 282 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,723 You're right. Yeah, we don't have to talk about it. 283 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,058 Yeah. It was a baseball game. 284 00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:07,977 There was a baseball game? 285 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:11,480 [TJ] It was game seven of the World Series. The Cubs were on the verge 286 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,817 of winning for the first time in 108 years. 287 00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:18,070 Everyone in the bar was watching the game except for you. 288 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:21,073 Oh, my God, you guys, I forgot that the CMAs are on. 289 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,200 Beyoncé is about to perform with the Dixie Chicks. 290 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,453 [gasps] But we're never gonna make it home on time, 291 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,413 - because we have such bad Uber ratings. - [Nell sighs] 292 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:30,124 Don't let me pick the music if you don't want to hear my falsetto. 293 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:33,169 All right. Don't worry. Listen, there's a TV right there. 294 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,755 - Bey is on the way. [laughs] - [Sam cheers] 295 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,047 [TJ] Bottom of the tenth. 296 00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:40,676 Two outs. Cleveland at bat. Martinez swings-- 297 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:44,263 - [crowd clamoring] - Set it and forget it. 298 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:45,848 - [crowd clamoring] - What! Whoa. Whoa. 299 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,183 What? What just happened? 300 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:50,227 I'm looking for Beyoncé. It's only one TV. 301 00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:51,520 Oh. 302 00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:53,898 Okay. So it's all of them. 303 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,316 Who's got the remote? 304 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,776 - [clamoring continues] - Whoa. 305 00:12:56,776 --> 00:13:00,654 I just pressed the wrong button, all right? I don't work at RadioShack. 306 00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:05,743 [announcer] And it's over! The Cubs have just made history. 307 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,703 [crowd cheering] 308 00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:10,122 [announcer] They're going wild in Chicago. 309 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,957 What a time to be alive. 310 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,210 I pity the loser who missed it. 311 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,587 [Nell] Okay, he did not say that. 312 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,506 Well, that's how I remember it. 313 00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:23,010 - [sighs] You were inebriated in a tavern? - [sighs] 314 00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:25,888 You ruined the biggest moment in Cubs history. 315 00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:29,558 I may have to sit next to you, but I don't have to like you. 316 00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:38,567 Well, I'm sorry, but your social faux pas will be very difficult to recover from. 317 00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:43,030 Oh, you'll be ostracized from society for years, unless-- 318 00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:44,615 Could you marry a Kennedy? 319 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,699 [stammers] 320 00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:49,370 I'm fine. I can work from here. The world is my office now. 321 00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:53,499 Oh. [groans] 322 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:54,875 All right, well. 323 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:59,088 Hopefully, that gum belonged to someone with excellent oral hygiene. 324 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,422 - [Sam] Hey. - Hey. 325 00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:02,258 What are you, uh-- What you doing out here? 326 00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:05,177 I don't think I can work next to TJ. He's a huge Cubs fan, 327 00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:07,012 and it turns out, seven years ago, 328 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,806 I changed the channel in a World Series game-- 329 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:11,267 [gasps] Oh, the chickens came on. [laughs] 330 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,435 Wait, that's what he's mad about? 331 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:14,520 That was hilarious. 332 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,813 Well, he doesn't think so. 333 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,565 Yeah, he thinks I'm kind of awful. 334 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:20,818 Well, he's wrong. Remember we got kicked out of the bar 335 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:24,029 and then we tried to sneak back in wearing hats? 336 00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:26,073 - Ugh. We almost made it. - [booing] 337 00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:28,325 - But somehow they found us out. - [Sam, Nell screaming] 338 00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:29,952 They threw stuff at us. 339 00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,120 [Nell] Chicken wings. 340 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,248 You were so funny that night. 341 00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,709 [gasps] And Dennis saved me. 342 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:40,880 Do you remember? I was wearing that one off-the-rack Chanel blouse that I loved. 343 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,174 [Sam] And he dove in between me and an incoming hot wing. 344 00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:45,301 [Dennis groans] 345 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,887 [Sam] He sacrificed his favorite "On Fleek" shirt. 346 00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:50,055 - He took a wing for me. - [Nell] Mmm. 347 00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,473 [smacks lips] Dennis. 348 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,143 - [sighs] I gotta go. - Okay. 349 00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:56,979 [sighs] 350 00:14:57,813 --> 00:15:00,733 I know, I know. I'm sure you're appalled at my behavior. 351 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,360 Well, you are loud, and messy, and rude, and disgusting. 352 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,029 Well, that-- that is me. 353 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,990 But you're also a lot of fun. 354 00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:13,954 You know, Nell, when that crudité got stuck in my throat, 355 00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:15,581 I didn't want to draw attention, 356 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:20,502 so I excused myself and went outside, but there was no one there to help me. 357 00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:25,215 I choked to death on my own politeness. [scoffs] 358 00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:28,636 Oh, don't be like me, Nell. You be yourself. 359 00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,888 You make as much noise as you want to, 360 00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:33,432 and if that fella upstairs doesn't like it, 361 00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,267 well, that's his [bleep] problem. 362 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:36,936 Oh-- 363 00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:40,564 [laughs] Mary Sue, you are bad. 364 00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:43,317 Jus-- [sniffs, sighs] 365 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,451 I have to show you something. 366 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,873 [drawer closes] 367 00:15:57,873 --> 00:16:01,710 I've tried to make you like me, but this is who I am. 368 00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:04,588 I'm messy, and I don't buy people coffee, and I kill plants. 369 00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:08,050 And I'm really sorry that I ruined your baseball game that night. 370 00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,386 And I really hope that you can accept my apology. 371 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:14,807 But if you can't, I think maybe it's best that you find another desk to work at. 372 00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,601 All right. Thank you for that. 373 00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:20,521 Mmm. Oh, you-- 374 00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:26,735 Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. 375 00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:30,155 Okay, Mary Sue, I'm gonna give you, like, ten minutes to get it out of your system 376 00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:32,116 and then I'm gonna send your obituary. 377 00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:34,326 - Oh. Well, in that case. - [Nell] Mm-hmm. 378 00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,621 Your tie is hideous. [chuckles] 379 00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:39,623 I don't care that you didn't use a coaster. 380 00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:40,708 [coworker 4 sneezes] 381 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,919 Oh. You just sneezed, and I'm not gonna say God bless you. 382 00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:45,587 [sniffs, sighs] 383 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:49,216 You know, I've never said it aloud, but I've always wanted to. 384 00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:53,679 [inhales sharply] Buttocks! Buttocks! Buttocks! 385 00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:57,141 I've created a monster. 386 00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,351 Dennis, we really need to talk. 387 00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,854 Wait. Before you say anything... [sighs] 388 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:06,692 ...I only kept the calendar on June because the picture reminds me of us. 389 00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,193 - What? - Yeah. Look. 390 00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:13,949 {\an8}I'm the hippo and you are the sweet little bird riding my back into the sunset. 391 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:16,243 {\an8}That is actually so sweet. 392 00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:19,329 You always just know what to-- Wait a minute. 393 00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:24,001 I know for a fact that you remember that one time we did gummies, 394 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:26,837 and we discussed in detail what animals we would be. 395 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,214 And we both said we would be a 396 00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:31,884 - pigeon because we belong to the city. - Pigeon. 397 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:34,011 And we are both always stealing other people's fries. 398 00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:35,721 Yes, I remember. 399 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:39,308 We are both dirty, lying, little pigeons. 400 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:42,019 [sighs] Which is why we are friends. 401 00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,687 - Come here. - [groans] 402 00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:46,815 [sighs] But we can't work in the same office together. 403 00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,275 Oh, God, no, you're a monster. 404 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,406 - Can you come with me real quick? - Trying to kill me? 405 00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,408 - It's really hard. Others have tried. - Meh. 406 00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:58,368 Come on, let's go. 407 00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:03,290 ["Take Me Out to the Ball Game" instrumental playing] 408 00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:11,715 So, I've been thinking about how I missed the end of the Cubs' game that night. 409 00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:12,800 Oh, my God, dude. 410 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,553 And I realized I didn't stop to think about what you missed. 411 00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:21,225 Picture this: November 2nd, 2016. 412 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,977 Beyoncé and the Dixie Chicks take the stage. 413 00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,396 The nation holds their breath, and then... 414 00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:29,441 - Set it and forget it. - [Nell laughs] 415 00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:30,734 [TV audience applauding] 416 00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:32,903 [Ron] That's if you've followed all the instructional material. 417 00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,155 You know, um, there are so many people out there that... 418 00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:39,535 Okay. I can see how painful it is from the other side. 419 00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,662 But I still maintain, it is funny. 420 00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,330 You're right. It is. 421 00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,457 But I couldn't see it back then. 422 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:50,754 I'd just moved to town for this job, and I didn't know anyone or have any friends. 423 00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:55,008 But I thought if my Cubs could win, then maybe I could turn it around too. 424 00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:57,177 And it looked good. 425 00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,639 The Cubs were up, and a pretty girl just asked for my number. 426 00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,057 I knew you remembered that. 427 00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:04,476 [both chuckle] 428 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:08,522 But I missed the end of the game, and things kept sucking, 429 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,692 and it was the loneliest year of my life. 430 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:13,944 And I blamed it all on you... 431 00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:17,114 and that wasn't fair. 432 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,535 I've been in many a tailspin. 433 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,245 I get it. 434 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:28,292 Yeah. Buy me one of those chicken roasters, and I'll forgive you. 435 00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:30,752 [stammers] 436 00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:33,839 I'm not gonna do that. 437 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,259 [stutters] Then I guess you're just gonna have to live with my wrath 438 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,344 next to you in a cubicle forever. 439 00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:41,096 I guess so. 440 00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:45,601 Attention, employees. 441 00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:49,563 Apparently, you're all unhappy, and apparently, I care. 442 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:51,857 You want ergonomic chairs. You want childcare. 443 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,860 You want two-ply toilet paper. Well, I can't do it all. 444 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,488 So what's one thing I can do that will make you all happy? 445 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,450 I'll say it. I don't care. 446 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,410 This overcrowding sucks ass. 447 00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:04,786 - Thank you, Tina. - [coworkers agreeing] 448 00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:07,456 It is refreshing to finally hear the truth. 449 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,833 And I would love to not sit on the floor. 450 00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,084 Oh, enough, Cheryl. 451 00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:12,711 - [coworker 3] Yeah, Cheryl. - All right. 452 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,255 Does everyone agree that the current situation is not ideal? 453 00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:16,840 - [Sam] Mm-hmm. - [coworkers mumbling] 454 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,258 [coworker 5] Yes. Definitely. 455 00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:19,343 Very well. 456 00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,637 Then I shall unmerge the floors. 457 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,263 Go back to whence you came. 458 00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:26,099 - [applause, cheering] - Thank you. 459 00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:30,771 Is it weird that we're clapping for her because she undid the terrible thing 460 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:31,855 she did this morning? 461 00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:35,275 Just about as weird as someone who's obsessed with a three-year-old calendar. 462 00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:36,360 - That's fair. - Mmm. 463 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,111 I'm gonna take the plant. [sighs] 464 00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:39,571 It's from the ladies' room. 465 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:40,781 Yeah, I know. 466 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,699 [laughs] 467 00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:44,910 See you around, chicken girl. 468 00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:46,995 Only if you're lucky. 469 00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:48,872 Get that-- 470 00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:53,252 - [Nell] Can you? Oh. [groans] - [Edward grunts, strains] 471 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,921 Nell, you said you were gonna recycle all your old phones. 472 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,215 {\an8}Show me one more time. 473 00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:01,343 {\an8}[sighs] Look, all your photos and memories are right here on the Cloud, 474 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:05,013 {\an8}including hundreds of selfies of you seeing if there's food in your teeth. 475 00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:06,265 {\an8}- Okay? - Okay. 476 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,432 {\an8}[laptop closes] 477 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,228 {\an8}- Are you sure they're still there? - [groans] 478 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,063 {\an8}Oh. Okay. Just checking. [chuckles] 479 00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:14,523 {\an8}Oh, but what about on a clear day? 480 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:18,110 {\an8}It's not a literal cloud-- Oh, jokes? 481 00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,821 {\an8}Yeah, totally. Duh. [chuckles] 482 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:22,864 {\an8}Give me my phones.