1
00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:07,632
Why is the office so mellow today?
2
00:00:07,632 --> 00:00:10,719
Oh, add kombucha on tap,
and we might be at Google.
3
00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:14,347
Isn't it nice? Mr. Rhodes is at a global
leadership conference in the Netherlands.
4
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:17,058
Hmm.
- Ooh, I'm picturing Skarsgårds everywhere,
5
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:18,143
and I want to be there.
6
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:20,311
- Yum.
- Uh, that's Sweden, but you know, same.
7
00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,148
My dear, never slurp.
8
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,941
It gives men the wrong idea.
Hmm.
9
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:26,818
Oh, Nell, did you get that
obituary assignment?
10
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,653
- Mary Sue Manners?
- Sure did.
11
00:00:28,653 --> 00:00:31,906
Ooh, the public access lady that had
the etiquette show for, like, 40 years?
12
00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:34,117
Manners Matter with Mary Sue Manners.
13
00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:36,036
Poor old broad
choked to death on crudités.
14
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,996
- Have fun writing that one.
-"Old broad"?
15
00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,248
Everyone, stop relaxing.
16
00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:43,877
I just hung up with my father's hologram,
and, effective immediately,
17
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:47,213
we will be merging the two floors
of the newsroom into one.
18
00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:51,676
So, pop a breath mint, and get ready
to say hello to your new officemates.
19
00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:55,096
As you know,
my father is attending a conference
20
00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:58,099
about the Dutch productivity philosophy,
uitmuntendheid.
21
00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,769
It's a three-pronged approach:
a livable wage,
22
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:04,355
solid benefits, and an intimate office.
23
00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:06,024
Father was offended by the first two,
24
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,859
but I thought the third one
sounded kind of fun.
25
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:11,446
So scooch over, everybody.
Mason has the new seating assignments.
26
00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:16,284
And you can slip your thank-you notes
under my office door. Enjoy.
27
00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,795
It's weird
but kind of exciting, right?
28
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,547
{\an8}Like meeting your roommate
on the first day of college?
29
00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:31,674
{\an8}Oh, my roommate in college ate my blanket.
30
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:32,759
{\an8}She ate it.
31
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,553
{\an8}- So it can't be worse than that. Yeah.
- Yeah.
32
00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:40,517
{\an8}Nell, you'll be sharing
your disgusting cubicle with TJ Silva.
33
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:43,978
{\an8}You might wanna clean up the ants
and stick a Febreze somewhere.
34
00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:46,564
{\an8}TJ Silva, the sportswriter.
35
00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:48,817
{\an8}He started here right
before you left for England.
36
00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:52,112
{\an8}He's literally the nicest guy
in the office.
37
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,697
{\an8}Maybe I will freshen up my space.
38
00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:56,324
{\an8}Ah, that's a wonderful idea.
39
00:01:56,324 --> 00:02:00,161
{\an8}A hostess should always provide
a pleasant environment for her guests.
40
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:05,041
{\an8}Do you have any soaps shaped like
shellfish or fun aquatic creatures?
41
00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,960
He-Hey.
- Hey, B-dawg.
42
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,170
{\an8}I haven't seen you in a minute.
43
00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:11,714
{\an8}Derrick, still can't believe
you got today's Wordle in two.
44
00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:13,716
{\an8}Who does that?
When you got it, you got it.
45
00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:16,386
{\an8}Cheryl, how is your cat doing
with the Prozac?
46
00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:17,804
{\an8}I stopped using Band-Aids.
47
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,014
{\an8}Well, give Peaches
a little belly rub for me.
48
00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:23,518
{\an8}Aw, he's got nicknames for everyone.
And he cares about animal mental health.
49
00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:26,104
{\an8}And he doesn't eat blankets
that I know of.
50
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,355
- Good luck.
- Mm-hmm.
51
00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:28,439
Later, TJ.
52
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,276
Hi, I'm Nell.
Mm-hmm.
53
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,735
Welcome to our cubicle.
54
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:36,281
I mean, they're all the same,
but this one's the best.
55
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,365
Cool.
56
00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:41,077
Feel free to use, you know, anything
of mine: pens, Post-its, my thesaurus.
57
00:02:41,077 --> 00:02:42,453
I'm very solicitous.
58
00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:44,038
Hey, String Cheese. What's up?
59
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:47,167
It's my favorite snack.
Yeah, it is.
60
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,128
{\an8}Ooh, I see what you have on your hands.
61
00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:52,714
{\an8}I call this the difficult guest.
62
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:56,509
{\an8}I addressed that in an episode
entitled "The Difficult Guest."
63
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,927
{\an8}What did you do?
64
00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,013
{\an8}I found the flower that grew
in his childhood garden,
65
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,974
{\an8}and I presented it on his table setting
when he sat down to dinner.
66
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,602
{\an8}There's a plant in the bathroom.
67
00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:07,812
Hey, TJ.
- Ugh.
68
00:03:07,812 --> 00:03:10,148
{\an8}So since we're working
alongside each other,
69
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,984
{\an8}I wanted to get you
a cubicle-warming gift.
70
00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,360
Hope you enjoy it.
71
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,863
- Cool. Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
72
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,575
I love it.
73
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,829
Hmm. I don't think
you're gonna get a nickname.
74
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,293
Why are there
a bunch of children in my office?
75
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,420
- Hello?
- Hello.
76
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,797
- Hello-- Oh, what? Huh?
- This is our social media team.
77
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,841
They turn our news stories
into 30-second TikToks.
78
00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:40,220
- Well, ticktock. I need my office back.
- Bad news, it's their office now.
79
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:44,224
Good news, you're getting another one that
you have to share with another person.
80
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:47,352
That sounds like two bad "news-es."
Who am I stuck with?
81
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,562
Yay. This is gonna be so fun.
Totally.
82
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,731
It's gonna be like a slumber party
you wear your work clothes to.
83
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,192
- You're right. It's gonna be fun.
- Luckily, we both like the window...
84
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,318
- Open.
- ...closed.
85
00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:57,403
I mean closed. [chuckles] Yay.
86
00:03:58,279 --> 00:03:59,989
Yeah, I don't know
what to tell you, Cheryl.
87
00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:03,159
Some people just have to
sit on the floor. Them's the breaks.
88
00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:05,161
Okay.
89
00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,038
How's it going, Mason?
90
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,873
Everything working out
with the new arrangement?
91
00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:10,208
Oh. Aces, boss.
92
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:12,502
- Everybody's really loving it.
- Excellent.
93
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,505
I'm off to lunch with a gentleman friend.
I'll be back in half an hour.
94
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,090
Forty-five minutes if I'm lucky.
95
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:23,179
Hey, I had an extra string cheese, and I
thought, "Why not give it to my man, TJ?"
96
00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:24,264
Dude,
97
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:26,975
bring it in.
98
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:29,102
That is so thoughtful.
99
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,688
I was having a blood sugar dip,
and along comes a hero.
100
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,231
All right.
Yeah.
101
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,233
Oh.
102
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:38,569
Hey, everybody, old Nelly-Belly's
getting coffee. Who wants one? My treat.
103
00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:41,155
Ooh, I'd love a coffee.
I'll get a list going.
104
00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:42,657
Who wants a coffee?
105
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,451
Hey, TJ, I'm not sure if you heard,
but I'm getting coffee for my peeps.
106
00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,245
- No, thanks. I'm good.
- Can-- I-- No, never--
107
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,956
I didn't have a breakfast.
Do you mind if I get a couple of muffins?
108
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,958
Yeah, I do mind, Tina.
109
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,711
♪ When an edit comes along ♪
♪ You must click it ♪
110
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:59,132
♪ Another edit comes along ♪
♪ You must click it ♪
111
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,800
Dennis!
112
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,552
Oh, my God. I forgot you were here.
113
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,387
Can you not click your pen?
114
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,597
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
115
00:05:06,597 --> 00:05:09,267
- Yes, I will stop that.
- Okay.
116
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,186
Stop it good.
117
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,399
Oh, hey, your calendar is flipped
to June 2021.
118
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,359
- Let me fix that for ya.
- Leave it!
119
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:22,071
I mean...
120
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:24,198
...please, uh, leave it.
121
00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:27,452
I'm-- I'm a big fan
of the picture for June.
122
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:28,786
Yeah, but it's the--
123
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:30,288
- it's the wrong month...
- Mm-hmm.
124
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,581
...and the wrong year.
125
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,374
And if I have to look at that
every single day,
126
00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:35,918
it's going to drive me bananas. So--
127
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,879
Hmm.
128
00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:43,551
But you know, if a calendar page
is that important to you, then--
129
00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:44,552
Great. Thank you.
130
00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,555
Well, TJ hates me.
131
00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:48,806
What? Why?
132
00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:50,975
I don't know. I've tried everything.
133
00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:54,937
Gifts. Hid my desk junk.
Bought everybody in the office coffee.
134
00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:58,107
Oh, thank you for my iced caramel
hazelnut mocha.
135
00:05:58,107 --> 00:05:59,317
- Oh, that was you?
- Mm-hmm.
136
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:00,860
You owe me nine bucks.
137
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,154
Nell, maybe TJ's just
having a bad day, you know?
138
00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:07,033
TJ, you are so funny.
139
00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:09,035
Okay.
140
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,829
Well, sometimes when someone acts weird,
141
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:14,082
it's about something
that's completely out of your control.
142
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:17,168
Like, maybe you just, like, remind him
of an ex-girlfriend or something.
143
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:20,505
Or, Nell, maybe your name reminds him
of that Jodie Foster movie
144
00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,673
where she can't talk because of the woods.
145
00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:24,967
- You think so?
- Whatever's going on with TJ,
146
00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:26,219
it's best to just let it go.
147
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,596
He's right. You guys have to work
right next to each other,
148
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:31,682
- so just don't make it weird.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
149
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,185
I'ma go make things weird.
150
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,647
Hey, TJ, can we--
151
00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:39,524
Stupid plant.
152
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:43,152
Hey. Hey. Hi.
153
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:47,407
I feel like we need to talk about
the tension that's happening between us.
154
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:50,993
Oh, wow. I didn't think
you were gonna bring it up.
155
00:06:50,993 --> 00:06:53,037
For sure, let's discuss
the elephant in the room.
156
00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:54,122
Yes.
157
00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,791
And exactly what is our elephant?
158
00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,710
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
159
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,755
November 2nd, 2016 ring a bell?
160
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,465
Who remembers something
from that long ago?
161
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:05,842
It was the night you destroyed
162
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,261
what could have been
the greatest moment of my life.
163
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,430
Yeah, still nothing.
164
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,974
Of course you don't remember.
Why would you?
165
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:17,019
A person who's capable of doing
what you did wouldn't bother to remember.
166
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:22,817
How am I supposed to remember
what happened seven years ago?
167
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,861
Oh, just check your social diary.
168
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,696
I don't have a social diary.
169
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:29,532
Then how do you keep track of the people
with whom you've had brunch?
170
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:33,035
Damn. What the hell did I do in 2016?
171
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:34,370
I don't know,
172
00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:36,414
turn 40?
173
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:38,166
I will punch you in the neck.
174
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,839
I'll show you a social diary.
175
00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,301
Hello, old friends.
176
00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:52,597
What are you doing here?
You're never home this early.
177
00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:53,681
Well, I needed to-- Ugh.
178
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,934
Since when did you become
a afternoon robe guy?
179
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,519
I like the way the fabric feels
on my arm hairs.
180
00:07:58,519 --> 00:07:59,896
I don't know why I asked.
181
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,523
Lexi's doing this stupid thing where
she's forcing us to have cubicle mates,
182
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:04,650
and mine hates me
for something I don't remember doing.
183
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,652
So I'm going through the photos
of my old cell phones
184
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,779
to figure out what happened
that pissed him off so much.
185
00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:11,449
'Cause I don't want to sit next to someone
who actively hates me
186
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,159
for the next forever many years.
187
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,244
You keep all your old cell phones?
188
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:19,457
Yeah, that was the headline of this rant.
Thank you for your active listening.
189
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,626
I don't understand.
Have you never heard of the Cloud?
190
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:23,127
No, I do not trust the Cloud.
191
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,257
Someone in your room, robe guy?
192
00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:31,302
Oh, my God. Is your sex friend in there?
193
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,679
No, I-- I just ate some dairy.
194
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,014
That's what that sound was.
195
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,559
Uh-uh. Mm-mmm.
196
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,520
No. No. No. Ew.
197
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,104
Gross. Bye.
198
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:43,773
You're gross.
199
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:46,317
Did I just hear Nell speaking ill
200
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,110
about the conditions
of her new work environment?
201
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:49,779
Yeah. She hates it.
202
00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:52,907
I checked in with an underling,
and he said everyone was, quote, "aces."
203
00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:54,575
Maybe that's because you're his boss,
204
00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:56,410
and he's saying
what he thinks you want to hear.
205
00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:57,828
Employees do that?
206
00:08:57,828 --> 00:08:59,205
Yeah.
207
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,457
Sometimes, lovers do it too.
208
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,501
For instance, I may have led you
to believe that I like--
209
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:05,962
But if people are complaining,
then they won't be productive.
210
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,964
And that flies in the face
of uitmuntendheid.
211
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:12,552
- You're leaving already?
- Yeah.
212
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,887
We didn't get a chance to--
213
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:16,180
Oh, well, don't tempt me.
214
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:20,893
No, I must go.
215
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:26,524
Let's see. 2016, 2016.
216
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,526
Ooh, I did not
have my selfie game down yet.
217
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,778
These angles are all really nostril-heavy.
218
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:33,698
Oh, I found it. November 2nd, 2016.
219
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,491
Hey, and I was with you guys.
220
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:37,076
Aw.
221
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,453
Yeah.
- Look how on fleek I was.
222
00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:41,289
I had bangs and Sam didn't.
223
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:43,249
Sam's are better.
224
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,251
But what happened that night?
225
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,087
Okay, tell me when I'm married
and have kids,
226
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:50,506
I can still do four shots of Jäger
on a Wednesday, right?
227
00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,216
- Of course.
- Right. Nothing's gonna change.
228
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,468
Oh, I'm in that, like,
sweet spot of drunk, you know?
229
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:57,388
I'm feeling, like, flirty
and I'm feeling a little girlie.
230
00:09:57,388 --> 00:10:00,391
You know, I think I might
get somebody's number tonight.
231
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:03,978
- Yeah.
- I think it's time to spin that phone.
232
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,896
Spin that phone?
You better spin that phone.
233
00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:07,982
She gon' spin that phone?
You gon' spin that phone.
234
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:11,819
She gon' spin that phone.
235
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:19,076
She gon' spin that phone again.
236
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,079
Yeah.
237
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,915
I think I found my man.
238
00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,084
Oh, my God.
239
00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:29,879
That's why TJ's been mad at me
all these years.
240
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:32,923
I got his number, and I never
called him back. I broke his heart.
241
00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:35,259
I'm such a hot monster.
242
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:36,802
Oh, and then years later,
243
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:41,182
having all of this
just shoved up in his poor, little face.
244
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,434
I'ma go apologize.
245
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:44,644
Mm-hmm.
246
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,605
Okay. [sighs] All right.
247
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:49,982
I just have to say it.
248
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,528
{\an8}The reason why I hate your calendar is
249
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:58,324
{\an8}because June is the month
of my wedding anniversary,
250
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:02,662
and that is the last thing you wanna
be reminded of when you are separated.
251
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,955
Oh, my God, Sam. I'm so sorry.
252
00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:07,875
It's okay. I forgive you. Come here.
253
00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,960
Wait a minute.
254
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,045
What?
255
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:13,839
I wore a wool-knit Mr. Turk
to your wedding,
256
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:16,217
which I would never wear
during the summer.
257
00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:18,094
You didn't get married in June.
258
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:20,137
Okay, fine. Fine.
259
00:11:20,137 --> 00:11:21,931
I just find the calendar annoying.
260
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:25,643
Oh. Well, it is not half as annoying
as every time you send an e-mail,
261
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:28,479
you feel compelled to say,
"Whoosh, bye-bye."
262
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:29,814
That is adorable.
263
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:33,776
It is so not. And maybe I could handle it,
if it weren't for the hard-boiled eggs
264
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,237
that you shove down your gullet
like a pelican.
265
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:39,865
News flash, Sam.
Nobody likes food that smells like farts.
266
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,660
- Okay.
- What are you doing? No.
267
00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:46,539
Now it's gonna smell like that all day.
268
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,998
Oh, I know.
269
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:53,337
Okay. I remember our elephant.
270
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,841
I asked for your number,
and I never called you.
271
00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:58,759
I'm-- I'm really sorry.
272
00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:00,720
What are you talking about?
273
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,723
You're right.
Yeah, we don't have to talk about it.
274
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,058
Yeah. It was a baseball game.
275
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:07,977
There was a baseball game?
276
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:11,480
It was game seven of the World
Series. The Cubs were on the verge
277
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,817
of winning for the first time
in 108 years.
278
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:18,070
Everyone in the bar
was watching the game except for you.
279
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:21,073
Oh, my God, you guys,
I forgot that the CMAs are on.
280
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,200
Beyoncé is about to perform
with the Dixie Chicks.
281
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,453
But we're never gonna make it home
on time,
282
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,413
because we have such bad Uber ratings.
283
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:30,124
Don't let me pick the music
if you don't want to hear my falsetto.
284
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:33,169
All right. Don't worry.
Listen, there's a TV right there.
285
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,755
Bey is on the way.
286
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,047
Bottom of the tenth.
287
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:40,676
Two outs. Cleveland at bat.
Martinez swings--
288
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:44,263
Set it and forget it.
289
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:45,848
What! Whoa. Whoa.
290
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,183
What? What just happened?
291
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:50,227
I'm looking for Beyoncé. It's only one TV.
292
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:51,520
Oh.
293
00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:53,898
Okay. So it's all of them.
294
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,316
Who's got the remote?
295
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,776
Whoa.
296
00:12:56,776 --> 00:13:00,654
I just pressed the wrong button,
all right? I don't work at RadioShack.
297
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:05,743
And it's over!
The Cubs have just made history.
298
00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:10,122
They're going wild in Chicago.
299
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,957
What a time to be alive.
300
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,210
I pity the loser who missed it.
301
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,587
Okay, he did not say that.
302
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,506
Well, that's how I remember it.
303
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:23,010
You were inebriated in a tavern?
304
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:25,888
You ruined the biggest moment
in Cubs history.
305
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:29,558
I may have to sit next to you,
but I don't have to like you.
306
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:38,567
Well, I'm sorry, but your social faux pas
will be very difficult to recover from.
307
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:43,030
Oh, you'll be ostracized from society
for years, unless--
308
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:44,615
Could you marry a Kennedy?
309
00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:49,370
I'm fine. I can work from here.
The world is my office now.
310
00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:53,499
Oh.
311
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:54,875
All right, well.
312
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:59,088
Hopefully, that gum belonged
to someone with excellent oral hygiene.
313
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,422
Hey.
- Hey.
314
00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:02,258
What are you, uh--
What you doing out here?
315
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:05,177
I don't think I can work next to TJ.
He's a huge Cubs fan,
316
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:07,012
and it turns out, seven years ago,
317
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,806
I changed the channel
in a World Series game--
318
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:11,267
Oh, the chickens came on.
319
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,435
Wait, that's what he's mad about?
320
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:14,520
That was hilarious.
321
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,813
Well, he doesn't think so.
322
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,565
Yeah, he thinks I'm kind of awful.
323
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:20,818
Well, he's wrong.
Remember we got kicked out of the bar
324
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:24,029
and then we tried to sneak back
in wearing hats?
325
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:26,073
Ugh. We almost made it.
326
00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:28,325
But somehow they found us out.
327
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:29,952
They threw stuff at us.
328
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,120
Chicken wings.
329
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,248
You were so funny that night.
330
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,709
And Dennis saved me.
331
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:40,880
Do you remember? I was wearing that one
off-the-rack Chanel blouse that I loved.
332
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,174
And he dove in between me
and an incoming hot wing.
333
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:47,887
He sacrificed his favorite
"On Fleek" shirt.
334
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:50,055
He took a wing for me.
Mmm.
335
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,473
Dennis.
336
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,143
I gotta go.
- Okay.
337
00:14:57,813 --> 00:15:00,733
I know, I know.
I'm sure you're appalled at my behavior.
338
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,360
Well, you are loud, and messy, and rude,
and disgusting.
339
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,029
Well, that-- that is me.
340
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,990
But you're also a lot of fun.
341
00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:13,954
You know, Nell,
when that crudité got stuck in my throat,
342
00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:15,581
I didn't want to draw attention,
343
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:20,502
so I excused myself and went outside,
but there was no one there to help me.
344
00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:25,215
I choked to death
on my own politeness.
345
00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:28,636
Oh, don't be like me, Nell.
You be yourself.
346
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,888
You make as much noise as you want to,
347
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:33,432
and if that fella upstairs
doesn't like it,
348
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,267
well, that's his [bleep] problem.
349
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:36,936
Oh--
350
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:40,564
Mary Sue, you are bad.
351
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:43,317
Jus--
352
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,451
I have to show you something.
353
00:15:57,873 --> 00:16:01,710
I've tried to make you like me,
but this is who I am.
354
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:04,588
I'm messy, and I don't buy people coffee,
and I kill plants.
355
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:08,050
And I'm really sorry that I ruined
your baseball game that night.
356
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,386
And I really hope
that you can accept my apology.
357
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:14,807
But if you can't, I think maybe it's best
that you find another desk to work at.
358
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,601
All right. Thank you for that.
359
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:20,521
Mmm. Oh, you--
360
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:26,735
Don't let the door hit you
where the good Lord split you.
361
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:30,155
Okay, Mary Sue, I'm gonna give you, like,
ten minutes to get it out of your system
362
00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:32,116
and then I'm gonna send your obituary.
363
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:34,326
Oh. Well, in that case.
Mm-hmm.
364
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,621
Your tie is hideous.
365
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:39,623
I don't care
that you didn't use a coaster.
366
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,919
Oh. You just sneezed,
and I'm not gonna say God bless you.
367
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:49,216
You know, I've never said it aloud,
but I've always wanted to.
368
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:53,679
Buttocks! Buttocks! Buttocks!
369
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:57,141
I've created a monster.
370
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,351
Dennis, we really need to talk.
371
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,854
Wait. Before you say anything...
372
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:06,692
...I only kept the calendar on June
because the picture reminds me of us.
373
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,193
- What?
- Yeah. Look.
374
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:13,949
{\an8}I'm the hippo and you are the sweet little
bird riding my back into the sunset.
375
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:16,243
{\an8}That is actually so sweet.
376
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:19,329
You always just know what to--
Wait a minute.
377
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:24,001
I know for a fact that you remember
that one time we did gummies,
378
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:26,837
and we discussed in detail
what animals we would be.
379
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,214
And we both said we would be a
380
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:31,884
- pigeon because we belong to the city.
- Pigeon.
381
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:34,011
And we are both always
stealing other people's fries.
382
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:35,721
Yes, I remember.
383
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:39,308
We are both dirty, lying, little pigeons.
384
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:42,019
Which is why we are friends.
385
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,687
Come here.
386
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:46,815
But we can't work
in the same office together.
387
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,275
Oh, God, no, you're a monster.
388
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,406
- Can you come with me real quick?
- Trying to kill me?
389
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,408
- It's really hard. Others have tried.
- Meh.
390
00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:58,368
Come on, let's go.
391
00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:11,715
So, I've been thinking about how I missed
the end of the Cubs' game that night.
392
00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:12,800
Oh, my God, dude.
393
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,553
And I realized I didn't stop
to think about what you missed.
394
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:21,225
Picture this: November 2nd, 2016.
395
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,977
Beyoncé and the Dixie Chicks
take the stage.
396
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,396
The nation holds their breath, and then...
397
00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:29,441
Set it and forget it.
398
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:32,903
That's if you've followed
all the instructional material.
399
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,155
You know, um, there are
so many people out there that...
400
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:39,535
Okay. I can see how painful it is
from the other side.
401
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,662
But I still maintain, it is funny.
402
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,330
You're right. It is.
403
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,457
But I couldn't see it back then.
404
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:50,754
I'd just moved to town for this job, and
I didn't know anyone or have any friends.
405
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:55,008
But I thought if my Cubs could win,
then maybe I could turn it around too.
406
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:57,177
And it looked good.
407
00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,639
The Cubs were up, and a pretty girl
just asked for my number.
408
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,057
I knew you remembered that.
409
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:08,522
But I missed the end of the game,
and things kept sucking,
410
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,692
and it was the loneliest year of my life.
411
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:13,944
And I blamed it all on you...
412
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:17,114
and that wasn't fair.
413
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,535
I've been in many a tailspin.
414
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,245
I get it.
415
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:28,292
Yeah. Buy me one of those
chicken roasters, and I'll forgive you.
416
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:33,839
I'm not gonna do that.
417
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,259
Then I guess you're just gonna
have to live with my wrath
418
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,344
next to you in a cubicle forever.
419
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:41,096
I guess so.
420
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:45,601
Attention, employees.
421
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:49,563
Apparently, you're all unhappy,
and apparently, I care.
422
00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:51,857
You want ergonomic chairs.
You want childcare.
423
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,860
You want two-ply toilet paper.
Well, I can't do it all.
424
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,488
So what's one thing I can do
that will make you all happy?
425
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,450
I'll say it. I don't care.
426
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,410
This overcrowding sucks ass.
427
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:04,786
Thank you, Tina.
428
00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:07,456
It is refreshing
to finally hear the truth.
429
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,833
And I would love to not sit on the floor.
430
00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,084
Oh, enough, Cheryl.
431
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:12,711
Yeah, Cheryl.
- All right.
432
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,255
Does everyone agree
that the current situation is not ideal?
433
00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:16,840
Mm-hmm.
434
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,258
Yes. Definitely.
435
00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:19,343
Very well.
436
00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,637
Then I shall unmerge the floors.
437
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,263
Go back to whence you came.
438
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:26,099
Thank you.
439
00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:30,771
Is it weird that we're clapping for her
because she undid the terrible thing
440
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:31,855
she did this morning?
441
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:35,275
Just about as weird as someone who's
obsessed with a three-year-old calendar.
442
00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:36,360
- That's fair.
- Mmm.
443
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,111
I'm gonna take the plant.
444
00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:39,571
It's from the ladies' room.
445
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:40,781
Yeah, I know.
446
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:44,910
See you around, chicken girl.
447
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:46,995
Only if you're lucky.
448
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:48,872
Get that--
449
00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:53,252
Can you? Oh.
450
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,921
Nell, you said you were gonna
recycle all your old phones.
451
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,215
{\an8}Show me one more time.
452
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:01,343
Look, all your photos and memories
are right here on the Cloud,
453
00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:05,013
{\an8}including hundreds of selfies of you
seeing if there's food in your teeth.
454
00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:06,265
{\an8}- Okay?
- Okay.
455
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,228
{\an8}Are you sure they're still there?
456
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,063
{\an8}Oh. Okay. Just checking.
457
00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:14,523
{\an8}Oh, but what about on a clear day?
458
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:18,110
{\an8}It's not a literal cloud-- Oh, jokes?
459
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,821
{\an8}Yeah, totally. Duh.
460
00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:22,864
{\an8}Give me my phones.