Why is the office so mellow today?
Oh, add kombucha on tap, and we might be at Google.
Isn't it nice? Mr. Rhodes is at a global leadership conference in the Netherlands.
Hmm. - Ooh, I'm picturing Skarsgårds everywhere,
and I want to be there.
- Yum. - Uh, that's Sweden, but you know, same.
My dear, never slurp.
It gives men the wrong idea. Hmm.
Oh, Nell, did you get that obituary assignment?
- Mary Sue Manners? - Sure did.
Ooh, the public access lady that had the etiquette show for, like, 40 years?
Manners Matter with Mary Sue Manners.
Poor old broad choked to death on crudités.
- Have fun writing that one. -"Old broad"?
Everyone, stop relaxing.
I just hung up with my father's hologram, and, effective immediately,
we will be merging the two floors of the newsroom into one.
So, pop a breath mint, and get ready to say hello to your new officemates.
As you know, my father is attending a conference
about the Dutch productivity philosophy, uitmuntendheid.
It's a three-pronged approach: a livable wage,
solid benefits, and an intimate office.
Father was offended by the first two,
but I thought the third one sounded kind of fun.
So scooch over, everybody. Mason has the new seating assignments.
And you can slip your thank-you notes under my office door. Enjoy.
It's weird but kind of exciting, right?
Like meeting your roommate on the first day of college?
Oh, my roommate in college ate my blanket.
She ate it.
- So it can't be worse than that. Yeah. - Yeah.
Nell, you'll be sharing your disgusting cubicle with TJ Silva.
You might wanna clean up the ants and stick a Febreze somewhere.
TJ Silva, the sportswriter.
He started here right before you left for England.
He's literally the nicest guy in the office.
Maybe I will freshen up my space.
Ah, that's a wonderful idea.
A hostess should always provide a pleasant environment for her guests.
Do you have any soaps shaped like shellfish or fun aquatic creatures?
He-Hey. - Hey, B-dawg.
I haven't seen you in a minute.
Derrick, still can't believe you got today's Wordle in two.
Who does that? When you got it, you got it.
Cheryl, how is your cat doing with the Prozac?
I stopped using Band-Aids.
Well, give Peaches a little belly rub for me.
Aw, he's got nicknames for everyone. And he cares about animal mental health.
And he doesn't eat blankets that I know of.
- Good luck. - Mm-hmm.
Later, TJ.
Hi, I'm Nell. Mm-hmm.
Welcome to our cubicle.
I mean, they're all the same, but this one's the best.
Cool.
Feel free to use, you know, anything of mine: pens, Post-its, my thesaurus.
I'm very solicitous.
Hey, String Cheese. What's up?
It's my favorite snack. Yeah, it is.
Ooh, I see what you have on your hands.
I call this the difficult guest.
I addressed that in an episode entitled "The Difficult Guest."
What did you do?
I found the flower that grew in his childhood garden,
and I presented it on his table setting when he sat down to dinner.
There's a plant in the bathroom.
Hey, TJ. - Ugh.
So since we're working alongside each other,
I wanted to get you a cubicle-warming gift.
Hope you enjoy it.
- Cool. Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
I love it.
Hmm. I don't think you're gonna get a nickname.
Why are there a bunch of children in my office?
- Hello? - Hello.
- Hello-- Oh, what? Huh? - This is our social media team.
They turn our news stories into 30-second TikToks.
- Well, ticktock. I need my office back. - Bad news, it's their office now.
Good news, you're getting another one that you have to share with another person.
That sounds like two bad "news-es." Who am I stuck with?
Yay. This is gonna be so fun. Totally.
It's gonna be like a slumber party you wear your work clothes to.
- You're right. It's gonna be fun. - Luckily, we both like the window...
- Open. - ...closed.
I mean closed. [chuckles] Yay.
Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, Cheryl.
Some people just have to sit on the floor. Them's the breaks.
Okay.
How's it going, Mason?
Everything working out with the new arrangement?
Oh. Aces, boss.
- Everybody's really loving it. - Excellent.
I'm off to lunch with a gentleman friend. I'll be back in half an hour.
Forty-five minutes if I'm lucky.
Hey, I had an extra string cheese, and I thought, "Why not give it to my man, TJ?"
Dude,
bring it in.
That is so thoughtful.
I was having a blood sugar dip, and along comes a hero.
All right. Yeah.
Oh.
Hey, everybody, old Nelly-Belly's getting coffee. Who wants one? My treat.
Ooh, I'd love a coffee. I'll get a list going.
Who wants a coffee?
Hey, TJ, I'm not sure if you heard, but I'm getting coffee for my peeps.
- No, thanks. I'm good. - Can-- I-- No, never--
I didn't have a breakfast. Do you mind if I get a couple of muffins?
Yeah, I do mind, Tina.
♪ When an edit comes along ♪ ♪ You must click it ♪
♪ Another edit comes along ♪ ♪ You must click it ♪
Dennis!
Oh, my God. I forgot you were here.
Can you not click your pen?
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- Yes, I will stop that. - Okay.
Stop it good.
Oh, hey, your calendar is flipped to June 2021.
- Let me fix that for ya. - Leave it!
I mean...
...please, uh, leave it.
I'm-- I'm a big fan of the picture for June.
Yeah, but it's the--
- it's the wrong month... - Mm-hmm.
...and the wrong year.
And if I have to look at that every single day,
it's going to drive me bananas. So--
Hmm.
But you know, if a calendar page is that important to you, then--
Great. Thank you.
Well, TJ hates me.
What? Why?
I don't know. I've tried everything.
Gifts. Hid my desk junk. Bought everybody in the office coffee.
Oh, thank you for my iced caramel hazelnut mocha.
- Oh, that was you? - Mm-hmm.
You owe me nine bucks.
Nell, maybe TJ's just having a bad day, you know?
TJ, you are so funny.
Okay.
Well, sometimes when someone acts weird,
it's about something that's completely out of your control.
Like, maybe you just, like, remind him of an ex-girlfriend or something.
Or, Nell, maybe your name reminds him of that Jodie Foster movie
where she can't talk because of the woods.
- You think so? - Whatever's going on with TJ,
it's best to just let it go.
He's right. You guys have to work right next to each other,
- so just don't make it weird. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
I'ma go make things weird.
Hey, TJ, can we--
Stupid plant.
Hey. Hey. Hi.
I feel like we need to talk about the tension that's happening between us.
Oh, wow. I didn't think you were gonna bring it up.
For sure, let's discuss the elephant in the room.
Yes.
And exactly what is our elephant?
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
November 2nd, 2016 ring a bell?
Who remembers something from that long ago?
It was the night you destroyed
what could have been the greatest moment of my life.
Yeah, still nothing.
Of course you don't remember. Why would you?
A person who's capable of doing what you did wouldn't bother to remember.
How am I supposed to remember what happened seven years ago?
Oh, just check your social diary.
I don't have a social diary.
Then how do you keep track of the people with whom you've had brunch?
Damn. What the hell did I do in 2016?
I don't know,
turn 40?
I will punch you in the neck.
I'll show you a social diary.
Hello, old friends.
What are you doing here? You're never home this early.
Well, I needed to-- Ugh.
Since when did you become a afternoon robe guy?
I like the way the fabric feels on my arm hairs.
I don't know why I asked.
Lexi's doing this stupid thing where she's forcing us to have cubicle mates,
and mine hates me for something I don't remember doing.
So I'm going through the photos of my old cell phones
to figure out what happened that pissed him off so much.
'Cause I don't want to sit next to someone who actively hates me
for the next forever many years.
You keep all your old cell phones?
Yeah, that was the headline of this rant. Thank you for your active listening.
I don't understand. Have you never heard of the Cloud?
No, I do not trust the Cloud.
Someone in your room, robe guy?
Oh, my God. Is your sex friend in there?
No, I-- I just ate some dairy.
That's what that sound was.
Uh-uh. Mm-mmm.
No. No. No. Ew.
Gross. Bye.
You're gross.
Did I just hear Nell speaking ill
about the conditions of her new work environment?
Yeah. She hates it.
I checked in with an underling, and he said everyone was, quote, "aces."
Maybe that's because you're his boss,
and he's saying what he thinks you want to hear.
Employees do that?
Yeah.
Sometimes, lovers do it too.
For instance, I may have led you to believe that I like--
But if people are complaining, then they won't be productive.
And that flies in the face of uitmuntendheid.
- You're leaving already? - Yeah.
We didn't get a chance to--
Oh, well, don't tempt me.
No, I must go.
Let's see. 2016, 2016.
Ooh, I did not have my selfie game down yet.
These angles are all really nostril-heavy.
Oh, I found it. November 2nd, 2016.
Hey, and I was with you guys.
Aw.
Yeah. - Look how on fleek I was.
I had bangs and Sam didn't.
Sam's are better.
But what happened that night?
Okay, tell me when I'm married and have kids,
I can still do four shots of Jäger on a Wednesday, right?
- Of course. - Right. Nothing's gonna change.
Oh, I'm in that, like, sweet spot of drunk, you know?
I'm feeling, like, flirty and I'm feeling a little girlie.
You know, I think I might get somebody's number tonight.
- Yeah. - I think it's time to spin that phone.
Spin that phone? You better spin that phone.
She gon' spin that phone? You gon' spin that phone.
She gon' spin that phone.
She gon' spin that phone again.
Yeah.
I think I found my man.
Oh, my God.
That's why TJ's been mad at me all these years.
I got his number, and I never called him back. I broke his heart.
I'm such a hot monster.
Oh, and then years later,
having all of this just shoved up in his poor, little face.
I'ma go apologize.
Mm-hmm.
Okay. [sighs] All right.
I just have to say it.
The reason why I hate your calendar is
because June is the month of my wedding anniversary,
and that is the last thing you wanna be reminded of when you are separated.
Oh, my God, Sam. I'm so sorry.
It's okay. I forgive you. Come here.
Wait a minute.
What?
I wore a wool-knit Mr. Turk to your wedding,
which I would never wear during the summer.
You didn't get married in June.
Okay, fine. Fine.
I just find the calendar annoying.
Oh. Well, it is not half as annoying as every time you send an e-mail,
you feel compelled to say, "Whoosh, bye-bye."
That is adorable.
It is so not. And maybe I could handle it, if it weren't for the hard-boiled eggs
that you shove down your gullet like a pelican.
News flash, Sam. Nobody likes food that smells like farts.
- Okay. - What are you doing? No.
Now it's gonna smell like that all day.
Oh, I know.
Okay. I remember our elephant.
I asked for your number, and I never called you.
I'm-- I'm really sorry.
What are you talking about?
You're right. Yeah, we don't have to talk about it.
Yeah. It was a baseball game.
There was a baseball game?
It was game seven of the World Series. The Cubs were on the verge
of winning for the first time in 108 years.
Everyone in the bar was watching the game except for you.
Oh, my God, you guys, I forgot that the CMAs are on.
Beyoncé is about to perform with the Dixie Chicks.
But we're never gonna make it home on time,
because we have such bad Uber ratings.
Don't let me pick the music if you don't want to hear my falsetto.
All right. Don't worry. Listen, there's a TV right there.
Bey is on the way.
Bottom of the tenth.
Two outs. Cleveland at bat. Martinez swings--
Set it and forget it.
What! Whoa. Whoa.
What? What just happened?
I'm looking for Beyoncé. It's only one TV.
Oh.
Okay. So it's all of them.
Who's got the remote?
Whoa.
I just pressed the wrong button, all right? I don't work at RadioShack.
And it's over! The Cubs have just made history.
They're going wild in Chicago.
What a time to be alive.
I pity the loser who missed it.
Okay, he did not say that.
Well, that's how I remember it.
You were inebriated in a tavern?
You ruined the biggest moment in Cubs history.
I may have to sit next to you, but I don't have to like you.
Well, I'm sorry, but your social faux pas will be very difficult to recover from.
Oh, you'll be ostracized from society for years, unless--
Could you marry a Kennedy?
I'm fine. I can work from here. The world is my office now.
Oh.
All right, well.
Hopefully, that gum belonged to someone with excellent oral hygiene.
Hey. - Hey.
What are you, uh-- What you doing out here?
I don't think I can work next to TJ. He's a huge Cubs fan,
and it turns out, seven years ago,
I changed the channel in a World Series game--
Oh, the chickens came on.
Wait, that's what he's mad about?
That was hilarious.
Well, he doesn't think so.
Yeah, he thinks I'm kind of awful.
Well, he's wrong. Remember we got kicked out of the bar
and then we tried to sneak back in wearing hats?
Ugh. We almost made it.
But somehow they found us out.
They threw stuff at us.
Chicken wings.
You were so funny that night.
And Dennis saved me.
Do you remember? I was wearing that one off-the-rack Chanel blouse that I loved.
And he dove in between me and an incoming hot wing.
He sacrificed his favorite "On Fleek" shirt.
He took a wing for me. Mmm.
Dennis.
I gotta go. - Okay.
I know, I know. I'm sure you're appalled at my behavior.
Well, you are loud, and messy, and rude, and disgusting.
Well, that-- that is me.
But you're also a lot of fun.
You know, Nell, when that crudité got stuck in my throat,
I didn't want to draw attention,
so I excused myself and went outside, but there was no one there to help me.
I choked to death on my own politeness.
Oh, don't be like me, Nell. You be yourself.
You make as much noise as you want to,
and if that fella upstairs doesn't like it,
well, that's his [bleep] problem.
Oh--
Mary Sue, you are bad.
Jus--
I have to show you something.
I've tried to make you like me, but this is who I am.
I'm messy, and I don't buy people coffee, and I kill plants.
And I'm really sorry that I ruined your baseball game that night.
And I really hope that you can accept my apology.
But if you can't, I think maybe it's best that you find another desk to work at.
All right. Thank you for that.
Mmm. Oh, you--
Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.
Okay, Mary Sue, I'm gonna give you, like, ten minutes to get it out of your system
and then I'm gonna send your obituary.
Oh. Well, in that case. Mm-hmm.
Your tie is hideous.
I don't care that you didn't use a coaster.
Oh. You just sneezed, and I'm not gonna say God bless you.
You know, I've never said it aloud, but I've always wanted to.
Buttocks! Buttocks! Buttocks!
I've created a monster.
Dennis, we really need to talk.
Wait. Before you say anything...
...I only kept the calendar on June because the picture reminds me of us.
- What? - Yeah. Look.
I'm the hippo and you are the sweet little bird riding my back into the sunset.
That is actually so sweet.
You always just know what to-- Wait a minute.
I know for a fact that you remember that one time we did gummies,
and we discussed in detail what animals we would be.
And we both said we would be a
- pigeon because we belong to the city. - Pigeon.
And we are both always stealing other people's fries.
Yes, I remember.
We are both dirty, lying, little pigeons.
Which is why we are friends.
Come here.
But we can't work in the same office together.
Oh, God, no, you're a monster.
- Can you come with me real quick? - Trying to kill me?
- It's really hard. Others have tried. - Meh.
Come on, let's go.
So, I've been thinking about how I missed the end of the Cubs' game that night.
Oh, my God, dude.
And I realized I didn't stop to think about what you missed.
Picture this: November 2nd, 2016.
Beyoncé and the Dixie Chicks take the stage.
The nation holds their breath, and then...
Set it and forget it.
That's if you've followed all the instructional material.
You know, um, there are so many people out there that...
Okay. I can see how painful it is from the other side.
But I still maintain, it is funny.
You're right. It is.
But I couldn't see it back then.
I'd just moved to town for this job, and I didn't know anyone or have any friends.
But I thought if my Cubs could win, then maybe I could turn it around too.
And it looked good.
The Cubs were up, and a pretty girl just asked for my number.
I knew you remembered that.
But I missed the end of the game, and things kept sucking,
and it was the loneliest year of my life.
And I blamed it all on you...
and that wasn't fair.
I've been in many a tailspin.
I get it.
Yeah. Buy me one of those chicken roasters, and I'll forgive you.
I'm not gonna do that.
Then I guess you're just gonna have to live with my wrath
next to you in a cubicle forever.
I guess so.
Attention, employees.
Apparently, you're all unhappy, and apparently, I care.
You want ergonomic chairs. You want childcare.
You want two-ply toilet paper. Well, I can't do it all.
So what's one thing I can do that will make you all happy?
I'll say it. I don't care.
This overcrowding sucks ass.
Thank you, Tina.
It is refreshing to finally hear the truth.
And I would love to not sit on the floor.
Oh, enough, Cheryl.
Yeah, Cheryl. - All right.
Does everyone agree that the current situation is not ideal?
Mm-hmm.
Yes. Definitely.
Very well.
Then I shall unmerge the floors.
Go back to whence you came.
Thank you.
Is it weird that we're clapping for her because she undid the terrible thing
she did this morning?
Just about as weird as someone who's obsessed with a three-year-old calendar.
- That's fair. - Mmm.
I'm gonna take the plant.
It's from the ladies' room.
Yeah, I know.
See you around, chicken girl.
Only if you're lucky.
Get that--
Can you? Oh.
Nell, you said you were gonna recycle all your old phones.
Show me one more time.
Look, all your photos and memories are right here on the Cloud,
including hundreds of selfies of you seeing if there's food in your teeth.
- Okay? - Okay.
Are you sure they're still there?
Oh. Okay. Just checking.
Oh, but what about on a clear day?
It's not a literal cloud-- Oh, jokes?
Yeah, totally. Duh.
Give me my phones.