1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,213
[ Laughter ]
2
00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:06,757
Why is the office
so mellow today?
3
00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:09,843
Huh. Add kombucha on tap,
and we might be at Google.
4
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,512
Isn't it nice? Mr. Rhodes
5
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,680
is at a global leadership
conference in the Netherlands.
6
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,308
Oh.
Ooh! I'm picturing
Skarsgards everywhere,
7
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,893
and I want to be there.
Yum.
8
00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:19,269
Uh, that's Sweden,
but, you know, same.
9
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:22,397
[ Slurping ]
My dear, never slurp.
10
00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:24,191
It gives men
the wrong idea.
11
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:25,984
Oh, Nell, did you get that
obituary assignment,
12
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,778
Mary Sue Manners?
Sure did.
13
00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:29,613
The public access lady
14
00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:31,114
that had the etiquette show
for like 40 years?
15
00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:33,283
"Manners Matter
with Mary Sue Manners."
16
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,952
Poor old broad
choked to death on crudité.
17
00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:36,286
Have fun writing that one.
18
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,287
"Old broad"?
19
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,373
Everyone, stop relaxing!
20
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,458
I just hung up
with my father's hologram.
21
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,669
And effective immediately,
we will be merging
22
00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:46,505
the two floors
of the newsroom into one.
23
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,882
So pop a breath mint
and get ready to say hello
24
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,677
to your new office-mates.
25
00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:54,221
As you know, my father
is attending a conference
26
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:57,349
about the Dutch productivity
philosophy uitmuntendheid.
27
00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:59,893
It's a three-pronged approach--
a livable wage,
28
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,605
solid benefits,
and an intimate office.
[ Staff murmur ]
29
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:05,274
Father was offended
by the first two,
30
00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:07,025
but I thought the third one
sounded kind of fun.
31
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,819
So scooch over, everybody!
32
00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:10,821
Mason has the new
seating assignments,
33
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:14,533
and you can slip your thank-you
notes under my office door.
34
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:15,492
Enjoy!
35
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:18,578
Captions by VITAC--
36
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:23,584
♪
37
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,003
Sam: It's weird
but kind of exciting, right?
38
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,588
Like meeting your roommate
on the first day of college.
39
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:32,217
Oh, my roommate in college
ate my blanket. She ate it.
40
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,761
So it can't be
worse than that. Yeah.
Yeah.
41
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:38,849
Nell, you'll be sharing
your disgusting cubicle with...
42
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,435
TJ Silva. You might wanna
clean up the ants
43
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,228
and stick a Febreeze somewhere.
[ Sniffs ]
44
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,856
TJ Silva,
the sports writer?
45
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:49,067
He started here right before
you left for England.
46
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,820
He's literally the nicest guy
in the office.
47
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:53,780
Maybe I will
freshen up my space.
48
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,449
Ah, that's
a wonderful idea.
49
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,825
You know, a hostess
should always provide
50
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,994
a pleasant environment
for her guests.
51
00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:02,497
Do you have any soaps
shaped like shellfish
52
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,666
or fun aquatic creatures?
53
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:08,503
Hey! Hey, B-dawg!
Haven't seen you in a minute.
54
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,922
Derrick, still can't believe
you got today's Wordle in two.
55
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:13,050
Who does that?
Derrick: If you got it,
you got it.
56
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:15,594
Cheryl, how is your cat
doing with the Prozac?
57
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:16,928
I stopped
using Band-Aids.
58
00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:19,181
Well, give Peaches
a little belly rub for me.
59
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:21,016
Aww, he's got nicknames
for everyone,
60
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,267
and he cares about
animal mental health.
61
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,227
And he doesn't eat blankets.
62
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:26,104
That I know of. Good luck!
Mm-hmm.
63
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,690
Man: Later, TJ.
64
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,484
Hi, I'm Nell.
TJ: Mm-hmm.
65
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,277
Welcome to our cubicle.
66
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,279
I mean, they're all
the same, but...
67
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:35,447
[Quietly]
...this one's the best.
68
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,449
Cool.
Feel free to use, you know,
69
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:40,202
anything of mine--
pens, post-its, my thesaurus.
70
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,286
I'm very solicitous.
71
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,080
Hey, String Cheese!
What's up?
72
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,915
Ha-ha! It's my favorite snack!
Ha!
73
00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:46,333
[ Laughing ] Yeah, it is.
74
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:49,294
Ooh. I see what you have
on your hands.
75
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,880
I call this
the difficult guest.
76
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,592
I addressed that in an episode
entitled "The Difficult Guest."
77
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,302
What did you do?
78
00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:58,887
I found the flower that grew
in his childhood garden,
79
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,847
and I presented it
on his table setting
80
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,100
when he sat down
to dinner.
81
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,602
There's a plant
in the bathroom.
82
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,312
Hey, TJ.
Oh.
83
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,815
So, since we're
working alongside each other,
84
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:11,983
I wanted to get you
a cubicle-warming gift.
85
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,527
Hope you enjoy it.
86
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,696
Cool. Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
87
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,407
♪
88
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:21,326
I love it.
89
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:24,830
Hmm. I don't think
you're gonna get a nickname.
90
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:27,582
[ Cellphones chiming,
vibrating ]
91
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:30,252
Sam: Why are there a bunch
of children in my office?
92
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:31,545
Hello?
Hello.
93
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,587
Hello-- Oh, what?
94
00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,172
This is our
social media team.
95
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,216
They turn our news stories
into 30-second TikToks.
96
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,135
Well, tick tock,
I need my office back.
97
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,719
Bad news.
It's their office now.
98
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,596
Good news.
You're getting another one...
99
00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:43,306
that you have to share
with another person.
100
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,350
That sounds like
two bad newses.
101
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,726
Who am I stuck with?
102
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:48,937
Yay! This is gonna be so fun.
Eee! Totally!
103
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,564
It's gonna be like
a slumber party that you wear
104
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:51,940
your work clothes to.
You're right. It's gonna be fun.
105
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,526
Luckily, we both like
to keep the window closed.
Open.
106
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:57,404
I mean closed!
[ Chuckles awkwardly ] Yay!
107
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,322
Yeah, I don't know
what to tell you, Cheryl.
108
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:00,991
Some people just have
to sit on the floor.
109
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,284
Them's the breaks.
110
00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:04,828
Okay.
111
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,538
How's it going, Mason?
112
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,123
Everything working out
with the new arrangement?
113
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:10,709
Oh, aces, boss.
Everybody's really loving it.
114
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,919
Excellent. I'm off to lunch
with a gentleman friend.
115
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,754
I'll be back in half an hour.
116
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,966
45 minutes if I'm lucky.
117
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,426
String Cheese: Hey, I had
an extra string cheese,
118
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,345
and I thought,
why not give it to my man TJ?
119
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:24,931
Dude.
120
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,392
Bring it in.
[ Chuckles ]
121
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,644
That is so thoughtful.
I was having a blood sugar dip,
122
00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:30,896
and along comes a hero.
123
00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:33,190
Alright.
[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
124
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,275
Oh, uh [Clears throat]
Hey, everybody!
125
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,861
Ol' Nellybelly's getting coffee.
Who wants one? My treat.
126
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,489
Ooh, I'd love a coffee.
I'll get a list going.
127
00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:42,282
Who wants a coffee?!
Man: Oh, I'll take one.
128
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,241
Hey, TJ,
I'm not sure if you heard,
129
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:44,701
but I'm getting coffee
for my peeps.
130
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,661
No, thanks. I'm good.
Can-- Oh, I-- No? None?
131
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:48,079
I didn't have breakfast.
Do you mind
132
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:49,039
if I get
a couple of muffins?
133
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:51,082
Yeah, I do mind, Tina!
134
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:52,792
♪ When an edit comes along ♪
135
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,212
♪ You must click it ♪
[ Pen clicking ]
136
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:58,006
♪ Another edit comes along,
you must click it ♪
137
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:58,840
[ Pen clicking ]
Dennis!
138
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,425
Aah! Oh, my God.
139
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,843
I forgot you were here.
140
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,845
Can you not
click your pen?
141
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,847
Oh, my God.
[ Chuckling ] I'm so sorry.
142
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,558
Yes, I will stop that.
Okay.
143
00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:12,521
♪ Stop it good,
dun-dun-dun-dun-doo ♪
144
00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:15,482
Oh, hey, your calendar
is flipped to June 2021.
145
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:16,650
Let me fix that for you.
146
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,276
Leave it!
147
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:21,238
[ Clears throat ]
I mean [Chuckles]
148
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,365
please, uh, leave it.
149
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:26,910
I'm-- I'm a big fan
of the picture for June.
150
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:28,995
Yeah, but it's the--
it's the wrong month.
151
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,872
Mm-hmm.
And the wrong year.
152
00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,207
And if I have to look at that
every single day,
153
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:35,418
it's going to drive me bananas,
so...
154
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:39,965
♪
155
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,508
But, you know,
if a calendar page
156
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,094
is that important to you, uh--
Great. Thank you.
157
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:47,055
Well, TJ hates me.
158
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:49,057
What? Why?
I don't know!
159
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:52,727
I've tried everything--
gifts, hid my desk junk,
160
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,479
bought everybody
in the office coffee.
161
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,232
Oh, thank you for my iced
caramel hazelnut mocha.
162
00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,441
Oh, that was you?
Mm-hmm.
163
00:05:58,441 --> 00:05:59,943
You owe me 9 bucks.
164
00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:02,195
Nell, maybe TJ's just having
a bad day, you know?
165
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,072
[ Laughter in distance ]
166
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:07,367
Woman: TJ, you are so funny!
167
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,204
Okay. Well, sometimes
when someone acts weird,
168
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,415
it's about something that's
completely out of your control,
169
00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:15,041
like maybe you just, like,
remind him
170
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,334
of an ex-girlfriend
or something.
171
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:18,587
Or, Nell,
maybe your name reminds him
172
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,589
of that Jodie Foster movie
where she can't talk
173
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,549
because of the woods.
You think so?
174
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,635
Whatever's going on with TJ,
it's best to just let it go.
175
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,762
He's right. You guys have to
work right next to each other,
176
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,222
so just don't
make it weird.
177
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,808
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
you're right.
178
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,978
I'm-a go make things weird.
179
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,188
Hey, TJ, can we--
180
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:40,191
Stupid plant.
181
00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:43,153
Hey. Hey. Hi.
182
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:45,363
I feel like we need
to talk about the tension
183
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,699
that's happening between us.
184
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:50,410
Oh, wow. I didn't think
you were going to bring it up.
185
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,329
For sure. Let's discuss
the elephant in the room.
186
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:55,874
Yes. And exactly
what is our elephant?
187
00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:00,045
Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
188
00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:02,130
November 2, 2016,
ring a bell?
189
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:03,673
Who remembers something
from that long ago?
190
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,133
It was the night
you pretty much destroyed
191
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,511
what could have been
the greatest moment of my life.
192
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:09,804
Yeah, still nothing.
193
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,223
Of course you don't remember.
Why would you?
194
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:14,434
A person who's capable
of doing what you did
195
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,269
wouldn't bother to remember.
196
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,147
♪
197
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,398
Uh, how am I
supposed to remember
198
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:22,150
what happened
seven years ago?
199
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:24,277
Oh, just check
your social diary.
200
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,862
I don't have a social diary.
201
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,113
Then how do you keep track
202
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,573
of the people
with whom you've had brunch?
203
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:32,744
Damn, what the hell
did I do in 2016?
204
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,538
I don't know. Turn 40?
205
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,415
I will punch you in the neck.
206
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,422
I'll show you a social diary.
207
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:45,882
♪
208
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:47,717
Hello, old friends.
209
00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:51,721
What are you doing here?
You're never home this early.
210
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,890
Well, I needed to-- Ew.
211
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:56,226
Since when did you become
an afternoon-robe guy?
212
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,811
I like the way the fabric
feels on my arm hairs.
213
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,062
I don't know why I asked.
214
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,480
Lexi's doing
this stupid thing at work
215
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,940
where she's forcing us
to have cubicle-mates,
216
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,817
and mine hates me for something
I don't remember doing,
217
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,610
so I'm going through the photos
of all my old cell phones
218
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,404
to figure out
what the hell happened
219
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:09,322
that pissed him off so much,
'cause I don't want to sit next
220
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:13,159
to someone who actively hates me
for the next forever-many years.
221
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,286
You keep
all your old cell phones?
222
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,996
Yeah, that was the headline
of this rant.
223
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,790
Thank you
for your active listening.
224
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,417
I don't understand. Have you
never heard of the Cloud?
225
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,377
No--
I do not trust the Cloud.
226
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:25,922
[ Wood creaks ]
227
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,007
Someone in your room,
Robe Guy?
228
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:31,219
Oh, my God.
Is your sex friend in there?
229
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,264
No, I-I just ate some dairy.
That's what that sound was.
230
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:38,810
Unh-unh.
Mnh-mnh! No, no!
231
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:41,730
No. Ew. Gross. Bye.
232
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:44,023
You're gross.
233
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,567
Did I just hear Nell
speaking ill
234
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:47,318
about the conditions
of her new work environment?
235
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,028
Yeah, she hates it.
236
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,196
I checked in
with an underling,
237
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,198
and he said everyone
was "aces."
238
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,908
Maybe that's because
you're his boss,
239
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,660
and he's just saying
what he thinks you want to hear.
240
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:57,370
Employees do that?
241
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,749
Yeah. Sometimes
lovers do it, too.
242
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,500
For instance,
I may have led you to believe
243
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,543
I like when you grab my--
But if people are complaining,
244
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,170
then they won't
be productive.
245
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,172
And that flies in the face
of uitmuntendheid.
246
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,426
You're leaving already?
Yeah.
247
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,011
We didn't get a chance to...
248
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:13,970
[ Beatboxing ]
♪ Oontz, oontz, oontz ♪
249
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:15,847
Oh, well, don't tempt me.
250
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:18,808
♪ Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz,
oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz ♪
251
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:21,478
No, I must go.
252
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:25,815
Let's see. 2016, 2016.
253
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,567
Ooh, I did not have
my selfie game down yet.
254
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,653
These angles are all
really nostril-heavy.
255
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:33,072
Oh, I found it.
November 2, 2016.
256
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,158
[ Gasps ]
Hey, and I was with you guys.
257
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,242
Aww.
Aww.
258
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:38,620
Yeah.
Look how on fleek I was.
259
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:41,331
I had bangs,
and Sam didn't.
260
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:42,290
Sam's are better.
Sam's are better.
261
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,125
But what happened
that night?
262
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,504
Okay, tell me. When
I'm married and have kids,
263
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,631
I can still do four shots
of Jager on a Wednesday, right?
264
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:50,715
Yeah, 100%.
Of course. Yeah.
265
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:51,966
Right?
Nothing's gonna change.
266
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,384
Oh, I'm in that,
like, sweet spot of drunk,
267
00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:55,261
you know?
I'm feeling, like, flirty.
268
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,430
I'm feeling a little girly,
you know?
269
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,557
I think I'm gonna get
somebody's number tonight.
270
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:00,767
Yeah!
271
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,394
I think it's time
to "shpin" that phone.
272
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:04,813
Oh.
Spin that phone?
Let's spin that phone.
273
00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:05,939
She gonna spin that phone?
Spin that phone?
274
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,190
Let's spin that phone.
Spin that phone.
275
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:07,982
She gonna spin that phone.
Spin that phone.
276
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,484
Go spin that phone.
277
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:10,902
She gonna spin that phone.
Gonna spin that phone.
278
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,282
She gonna spin that phone again.
Spin that phone again.
Spin that phone again.
279
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:17,575
She wanna spin that phone again.
She gonna spin that phone again.
Spin that phone again.
280
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,619
♪
281
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,497
Yeah.
282
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,249
I think I found my man.
283
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:26,376
Oh, my God.
284
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,087
That's why TJ's been mad at me
all these years.
285
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,672
I got his number,
and I never called him back.
286
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,132
I broke his heart.
287
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,509
[ Gasps ]
I'm such a hot monster.
288
00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:37,428
Oh, and then years later,
having all of this
289
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:41,266
just shoved up
in his poor little face?
290
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,643
I'm gonna go apologize.
[ Chuckles ]
291
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:47,814
Okay. Alright.
292
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,691
I just have to say it.
293
00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:53,444
The reason why
I hate your calendar
294
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:57,615
is because June is the month
of my wedding anniversary.
295
00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:00,451
And that is the last thing
you want to be reminded of
296
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,078
when you are separated.
297
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,205
Oh, my God.
Sam, I'm so sorry.
298
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:07,792
It's okay. I forgive you.
Come here.
299
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,127
[ Chuckles ]
Wait a minute.
300
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,628
What?
301
00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:13,089
I wore a wool knit Mr. Turk
to your wedding,
302
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,884
which I would never wear
during the summer.
303
00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,927
You didn't get married
in June.
304
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,345
Okay, fine! Fine.
[ Gasps ]
305
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,347
I just find
the calendar annoying.
306
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,266
Oh. Well, it is not
half as annoying
307
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:25,059
as every time
you send an e-mail,
308
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,645
you feel compelled to say,
"Whoosh! Bye-bye."
309
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,105
That is adorable.
310
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,274
It is so not.
And maybe I could handle it
311
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:32,942
if it weren't for
the hard-boiled eggs
312
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:35,153
that you shove down your gullet
like a pelican.
313
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:38,865
News flash, Sam-- Nobody likes
food that smells like farts.
314
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,325
Okay. Okay.
315
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,784
What are you doing? No.
Yeah.
316
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:44,078
[ Coughs ]
Ugh. Bleh.
317
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:45,663
Now it's gonna
smell like that all day.
318
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:47,165
Oh, I know.
319
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,499
[ Gasps ]
320
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:52,962
Okay.
I remember our elephant.
321
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:56,633
I asked for your number,
and I never called you.
322
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,927
I'm-- I'm really sorry.
323
00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,845
What are you talking about?
324
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:03,056
You're right. Yeah, we don't
have to talk about it.
325
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,141
Yeah.
It was a baseball game.
326
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,560
There was a baseball game?
327
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,771
TJ: It was Game 7
of the World Series.
328
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,147
The Cubs were
on the verge of winning
329
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:14,567
for the first time in 108 years.
330
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,654
Everyone in the bar was watching
the game, except for you.
331
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:20,406
Oh, my God. You guys,
I forgot that the CMAs are on.
332
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,075
Beyoncé is about to perform
with the Dixie Chicks.
333
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,493
[ Gasps ]
Dennis: What?
334
00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:24,494
But we're never going
to make it home on time
335
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,537
because we have
such bad Uber ratings.
336
00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:27,830
Don't let me pick the music
337
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,374
if you don't want
to hear my falsetto.
338
00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:30,583
Hands off.
Okay. Don't worry.
339
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,418
Listen, there's a TV
right there.
340
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:35,254
Bey is on the way! [ Laughs ]
Ooh!
341
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:37,256
TJ: Bottom of the 10th.
Two outs.
342
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:38,633
Cleveland at bat.
343
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,427
Martinez swings--
344
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,596
Set it and forget it.
Audience: And forget it.
345
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,348
That's if you followed...
What? No!
346
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:46,516
all the instructional material.
What? What just happened?
347
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,142
I-I'm looking for Beyoncé.
348
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,477
It's only one TV.
349
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,562
Oh.
350
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,272
Okay, so it's all of them.
351
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,150
Who's got the remote?! Whoa.
[ All shouting angrily ]
352
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,069
I just pressed the wrong button, alright?
353
00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,779
I don't work at Radio Shack!
354
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,407
Announcer: And it's over!
355
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,993
The Cubs have just
made history!
356
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,619
[ Cheers and applause ]
357
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,871
They're going wild in Chicago.
358
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,374
What a time to be alive.
359
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:13,376
I pity the loser
who missed it.
360
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,795
Nell:
Okay, he did not say that.
361
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,588
Well, that's
how I remember it.
362
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,508
Mm, you were inebriated?
363
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,218
In a tavern?
364
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:25,805
You ruined the biggest moment
in Cubs history.
365
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,599
I may have to sit next to you,
but I don't have to like you.
366
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,815
Well, I'm sorry,
but your social faux pas
367
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,942
will be very difficult
to recover from.
368
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:41,279
Ah, you'll be ostracized
from society for years,
369
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,865
unless...
Could you marry a Kennedy?
370
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:47,076
Uh-- I'm fine.
I can work from here.
371
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:49,495
The world
is my office now.
372
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,497
Ohh.
373
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:52,832
Ugh.
374
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:56,127
Alright, well,
hopefully that gum
375
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,337
belonged to someone
with excellent oral hygiene.
376
00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,630
Hey!
Hey.
377
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,382
What are you, uh--
Whatcha doing out here?
378
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,884
I don't think I can work
next to TJ.
379
00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:04,052
He's a huge Cubs fan,
380
00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:06,345
and it turns out
seven years ago,
381
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:08,222
I changed the channel
in a World Series game--
382
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:09,474
[ Gasps ]
Oh, the chickens came on!
383
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:10,767
[ Laughs ]
384
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,727
Wait, that's
what he's mad about?
385
00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:15,229
That was hilarious.
Well, he doesn't think so.
386
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:16,856
Yeah, he thinks
I'm kind of awful.
387
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:20,485
Well, he's wrong. Remember
we got kicked out of the bar,
388
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,404
and then we tried
to sneak back in wearing hats?
389
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:24,822
Ugh, we almost made it.
[ All booing ]
390
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,908
But somehow they found us out.
Aah! Aah!
391
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,951
They threw stuff at us.
Aah! Oh! Aah!
392
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,495
Nell: Chicken wings!
Aah!
393
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:33,623
You were so funny that night.
394
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:36,042
[ Gasps ]
And Dennis saved me.
395
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,460
Do you remember I was wearing
396
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,338
that one off-the-rack
Chanel blouse that I loved?
397
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:43,257
And he dove in between me
and an incoming hot wing.
398
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:44,467
[ Slow-motion grunt ]
399
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:47,386
He sacrificed
his favorite "On Fleek" shirt.
400
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:51,390
He took a wing for me.
Mm, Dennis.
401
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,059
[ Sighs ] I gotta go.
Okay.
402
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,063
[ Sighs ]
403
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,982
I know, I know. I'm sure
you're appalled at my behavior.
404
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,860
Well, you are loud and messy
and rude and disgusting.
405
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,320
Well, that--
That is me.
406
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,198
But you're also
a lot of fun.
407
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,118
You know, Nell,
408
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:13,329
when that crudité
got stuck in my throat,
409
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:14,789
I didn't want
to draw attention,
410
00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,583
so I excused myself
and went outside.
411
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,627
But there was no one there
to help me.
412
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:23,422
I choked to death
on my own politeness.
413
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:26,467
[ Scoffs ]
Oh, don't be like me, Nell.
414
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:27,969
You be yourself.
415
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:30,221
You make as much noise
as you want to.
416
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,640
And if that fella upstairs
doesn't like it,
417
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,393
well, that's his
[bleep] problem.
418
00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:36,644
[ Gasps ]
419
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:39,605
[ Laughing ]
My. Mary Sue, you are bad.
420
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,524
Just--
421
00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:45,570
♪
422
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,284
I have to
show you something.
423
00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:00,877
I've tried to make you like me,
but this is who I am.
424
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,753
I'm messy, and I don't
buy people coffee,
425
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,464
and I kill plants.
And I'm really sorry
426
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,717
that I ruined your baseball
game that night.
427
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,427
And I really hope
that you can accept my apology,
428
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:12,263
but if you can't,
I think maybe it's best
429
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:15,266
that you find another desk
to work at.
430
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:18,060
Alright. Thank you for that.
Mm-hmm.
431
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,146
Oh. You--
432
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,982
♪
433
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:26,319
Don't let the door hit you
where the Good Lord split you!
434
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,737
Okay, Mary Sue.
I'm going to give you
435
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,363
like 10 minutes
to get it out of your system,
436
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,574
and then I'm going
to send your obituary.
437
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:33,951
Ooh, well, in that case...
Mm-hmm.
438
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:36,996
Your tie is hideous.
[ Chuckles ]
439
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,415
I don't care that
you didn't use a coaster.
440
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:41,209
[ Man sneezing ]
Ah! You just sneezed,
441
00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:43,252
and I'm not going to say
God bless you.
442
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,046
[ Sighs ]
443
00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,756
You know,
I've never said it aloud,
444
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:49,258
but I've always wanted to.
445
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,886
Buttocks! Buttocks!
446
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:54,805
Buttocks!
447
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,140
I've created a monster.
448
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,434
Dennis,
we really need to talk.
449
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:01,145
Wait, before you say anything...
[ Sighs ]
450
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,897
I only kept the calendar
on June
451
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,775
because the picture
reminds me of us.
452
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:08,569
What?
Look.
453
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,530
I'm the hippo, and you
are the sweet little bird
454
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,324
riding my back
into the sunset.
455
00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:15,701
That is actually so sweet.
456
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,620
You always just know
what to--
457
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,372
Wait a minute.
458
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,165
I know for a fact
459
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,376
that you remember
that one time we did gummies,
460
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:26,170
and we discussed in detail
what animals we would be,
461
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:28,297
and we both said
we would be a...
462
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,632
pigeon...
Pigeon.
463
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,425
...because we belong
to the city.
464
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,094
And we are both always stealing
other people's fries.
465
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:35,012
Yes, I remember.
466
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:38,933
We are both dirty,
lying little pigeons.
467
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,227
[ Sighs ]
Which is why we are friends.
468
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,062
Come here.
Mm.
469
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:46,190
[ Sighs ] But we can't work
in the same office together.
470
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,608
Oh, God, no.
You're a monster.
471
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:51,279
♪
472
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:52,321
Can you come in here
real quick?
473
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,823
Trying to kill me?
474
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,074
It's really hard.
Others have tried.
475
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,576
[ Scoffs ]
Come on, let's go.
476
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,831
[ "Take Me Out
to the Ballgame" playing ]
477
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:06,794
♪
478
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:09,088
So, I've been thinking about
479
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,715
how I missed the end
of the Cubs game that night.
480
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,508
Oh, my God. Dude--
481
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:16,220
And I realized I didn't stop
to think about what you missed.
482
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,222
Picture this.
483
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,891
November 2, 2016.
484
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:23,311
Beyoncé and the Dixie Chicks
take the stage.
485
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:26,981
The nation holds their breath,
and then...
486
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:29,483
Set it and forget it.
Audience: And forget it.
487
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,111
That's if you followed
all the instructional material.
488
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,655
You know, there are
so many people out there...
489
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:38,826
Okay. I can see how painful
it is from the other side.
490
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:40,870
But I still maintain
it is funny.
491
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,289
You're right, it is.
492
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,082
But I couldn't see it
back then.
493
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,084
I'd just moved to town
for this job,
494
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:50,087
and I didn't know anyone
or have any friends.
495
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:52,298
But I thought
if my Cubs could win,
496
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:55,301
then maybe I could
turn it around, too.
497
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,346
And it looked good.
The Cubs were up,
498
00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,889
a pretty girl just asked
for my number--
499
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,474
I knew
you remembered that.
500
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:04,018
[ Chuckles ]
501
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:06,062
But I missed
the end of the game.
502
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:08,731
And things kept sucking.
503
00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:11,734
And it was the loneliest
year of my life,
504
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:15,154
and I blamed it all
on you.
505
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,697
And that wasn't fair.
506
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,075
♪
507
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:21,452
I've been in
many a tailspin.
508
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:24,538
I get it.
509
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,499
Yeah, buy me one of those
chicken roasters,
510
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,834
and I'll forgive you.
511
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,253
Uh...
512
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:34,382
I'm not gonna do that.
513
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,384
Then I guess you're just
gonna have to live with my wrath
514
00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,969
next to you
in a cubicle forever.
515
00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:40,471
I guess so.
516
00:19:40,471 --> 00:19:42,848
♪
517
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,101
Attention, employees!
518
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,977
Apparently you're all unhappy,
519
00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:48,813
and apparently I care.
520
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:51,148
You want ergonomic chairs.
You want childcare.
521
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:54,652
You want two-ply toilet paper.
Well, I can't do it all.
522
00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:57,530
So what's one thing I can do
that will make you all happy?
523
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:02,910
I'll say it, I don't care.
This overcrowding sucks ass.
524
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,370
Person: Yeah.
Thank you, Tina.
525
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:07,164
It is refreshing
to finally hear the truth.
526
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,166
And I would love
to not sit on the floor.
527
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:11,168
Oh, enough, Cheryl.
Woman: Yeah, Cheryl.
528
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,670
Alright.
Does everyone agree
529
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,797
that the current situation
is not ideal?
530
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,425
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
531
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:20,344
Very well. Then I shall
un-merge the floors.
532
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:23,097
Go back to whence you came.
533
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,807
Thank you.
534
00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:27,017
[ Cheers and applause ]
535
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,769
Is it weird
that we're clapping for her
536
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,896
because she undid the terrible
thing she did this morning?
537
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,523
Just about as weird
as someone who's obsessed
538
00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:34,525
with a three-year-old
calendar.
539
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:35,901
That's fair.
Mm.
540
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,069
I'm going
to take the plant.
541
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,988
It's from
the ladies' room.
542
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,489
Yeah, I know.
543
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,742
[ Chuckles ]
544
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,994
See you around,
Chicken Girl.
545
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:46,537
Only if you're lucky.
546
00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:47,371
Get that--
547
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:53,919
Could you-- [ Grunts ]
Can you-- Oh-- [ Sighs ]
548
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,963
Nell, you said you were going
to recycle all your old phones.
549
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,882
Show me one more time.
[ Sighs ]
550
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,717
Look, all your photos
and memories
551
00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:02,386
are right here on the Cloud,
including hundreds of selfies
552
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:04,013
of you seeing
if there's food in your teeth.
553
00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:05,222
Okay?
Okay.
554
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:09,768
Are you sure
they're still there?
555
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:12,354
Ugh.
Uh, okay, just checking.
556
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:13,939
Oh, but what about
on a clear day?
557
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,483
It's not a literal cloud--
558
00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,193
Oh. Jokes?
559
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:20,654
Yeah, totally. Duh.
560
00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:21,989
Give me my phones.