1
00:00:01,089 --> 00:00:02,799
Oh, my God,
did you see the calves
2
00:00:02,799 --> 00:00:04,426
on the new Sparkletts guy?
3
00:00:04,426 --> 00:00:07,054
I snuck a picture and
I've already sent it to you.
4
00:00:07,054 --> 00:00:08,305
You are such
a good friend.
5
00:00:08,305 --> 00:00:09,348
I know.
Thank you.
6
00:00:09,348 --> 00:00:10,933
Okay, so,
how's the wedding?
7
00:00:10,933 --> 00:00:13,310
Oh, there is a poppy seed
on the groom's side.
8
00:00:13,310 --> 00:00:14,478
Yeah, it's right--
Some people say
9
00:00:14,478 --> 00:00:16,230
that we're too close,
but I-I don't get it.
10
00:00:16,230 --> 00:00:18,065
[ Sighs ] It's too deep. Alright.
11
00:00:18,065 --> 00:00:19,525
I will see you at lunch. Bye.
12
00:00:19,525 --> 00:00:21,318
[ Sighs ]
13
00:00:23,570 --> 00:00:25,197
[ Computer chimes ]
14
00:00:25,197 --> 00:00:26,490
Oh, no.
15
00:00:26,490 --> 00:00:28,784
Eww. Floss much?
[ Gasps ]
16
00:00:28,784 --> 00:00:31,620
Nell?
Nell Serrano?
17
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:33,789
Piper Ashford. Mm.
18
00:00:33,789 --> 00:00:35,707
We were the same age.
19
00:00:35,707 --> 00:00:37,376
Yeah,
except you got old.
20
00:00:37,376 --> 00:00:38,835
And you died.
I know.
21
00:00:38,835 --> 00:00:40,003
Super sadsies.
22
00:00:40,003 --> 00:00:41,046
So is this where
you work?
23
00:00:41,046 --> 00:00:43,048
Is this, like,
a factory of some kind?
24
00:00:43,048 --> 00:00:45,759
It's a newsroom.
25
00:00:45,759 --> 00:00:48,345
News is kind of like TikTok,
but for people who can read.
26
00:00:48,345 --> 00:00:50,222
I love
your tiny little cubby.
27
00:00:50,222 --> 00:00:51,306
It's kind of like
the teachers' lounge
28
00:00:51,306 --> 00:00:52,599
that you used to
eat lunch in.
29
00:00:52,599 --> 00:00:54,810
Howdy, Ace.
[ Laughs ]
30
00:00:54,810 --> 00:00:56,645
I'm sorry.
I'm trying out new greetings.
31
00:00:56,645 --> 00:00:58,105
It's a work in progress.
32
00:00:58,105 --> 00:00:59,481
Of course you're friends
with this goober.
33
00:00:59,481 --> 00:01:00,983
Anyway, I was wondering
if you got my e-mail
34
00:01:00,983 --> 00:01:02,734
about the influencer.
35
00:01:02,734 --> 00:01:04,319
Actually, I went to high school
with her.
[ Gasps ]
36
00:01:04,319 --> 00:01:05,654
Do you happen to know
how she died?
37
00:01:05,654 --> 00:01:06,863
That's not important.
38
00:01:06,863 --> 00:01:08,490
It's super tragic.
39
00:01:08,490 --> 00:01:10,409
She was taking a selfie
and she fell off a cliff.
40
00:01:10,409 --> 00:01:11,493
Ha!
41
00:01:12,661 --> 00:01:15,247
Oh, that is so perfect.
42
00:01:15,247 --> 00:01:16,248
Yeah, it was.
43
00:01:16,248 --> 00:01:18,208
I managed to post it
on the way down.
44
00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:20,460
I'm worried this job
is making you callous, Nell.
45
00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:22,588
No, you don't understand.
Piper was a nightmare.
46
00:01:22,588 --> 00:01:25,507
She was cruel and shallow
and conceited and...
47
00:01:25,507 --> 00:01:26,842
seems like she still is.
48
00:01:26,842 --> 00:01:28,427
Since the two of you knew
each other, go ahead
49
00:01:28,427 --> 00:01:30,345
and take more time
with this if you need to.
50
00:01:30,345 --> 00:01:31,847
Oh. Oh, no.
51
00:01:31,847 --> 00:01:33,724
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
52
00:01:33,724 --> 00:01:35,851
I'll be done with this one
real soon.
Real soon.
53
00:01:35,851 --> 00:01:37,936
[ Clears throat ]
54
00:01:37,936 --> 00:01:39,605
Okay,
so, here we go.
55
00:01:39,605 --> 00:01:42,107
This is what we call
a "cursory obituary."
56
00:01:42,107 --> 00:01:44,192
It's, uh, superficial,
just like you.
Hmm?
57
00:01:44,192 --> 00:01:46,194
And it's just
a few brief sentences
58
00:01:46,194 --> 00:01:48,613
in the back of the paper
right next to the denture ads,
59
00:01:48,613 --> 00:01:51,241
because that is
all you deserve.
Rude!
60
00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:54,411
And I don't want to spend
any more time with you, so--
61
00:01:54,411 --> 00:01:55,579
Same, here, bit--
Boom!
62
00:01:55,579 --> 00:01:58,040
Ha ha. Ha ha.
63
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,083
Oh, you have a little
poppy seed in your teeth.
64
00:02:00,083 --> 00:02:01,209
Oh. Yeah.
65
00:02:01,209 --> 00:02:02,669
May I?
No, Tina!
66
00:02:02,669 --> 00:02:04,546
What?
Ew. You cannot put
your fingers in my mouth.
67
00:02:04,546 --> 00:02:05,964
You can put your fingers
in my mouth.
68
00:02:05,964 --> 00:02:07,591
I don't want to put my fingers
in your mouth.
69
00:02:07,591 --> 00:02:08,675
Okay.
70
00:02:08,675 --> 00:02:13,513
♪
71
00:02:13,513 --> 00:02:16,516
- Captions by VITAC--
72
00:02:16,516 --> 00:02:19,686
Ugh, I hate when Ben
packs me chickpeas for lunch.
73
00:02:19,686 --> 00:02:20,937
- Sammy?
- Hmm?
74
00:02:20,937 --> 00:02:22,356
Trade you for your burger.
You're insane.
75
00:02:22,356 --> 00:02:24,650
And you haven't stolen
a single one of my fries,
76
00:02:24,650 --> 00:02:26,943
so what is going on?
77
00:02:26,943 --> 00:02:29,321
Ah, I'm just kind of having
a weird day, you know?
78
00:02:29,321 --> 00:02:31,323
I-I wrote this obituary
about a girl
79
00:02:31,323 --> 00:02:32,366
I went to high school with,
80
00:02:32,366 --> 00:02:34,242
and it's just got me...
81
00:02:34,242 --> 00:02:36,078
ugh, thinking about that time.
82
00:02:36,078 --> 00:02:37,788
I loved high school.
83
00:02:37,788 --> 00:02:39,373
As you can imagine, at a school
for the performing arts,
84
00:02:39,373 --> 00:02:40,791
I was kind of a big deal.
85
00:02:40,791 --> 00:02:42,542
Were you?
I even played
Racetrack Higgins
86
00:02:42,542 --> 00:02:44,336
in our school production
of "Newsies."
87
00:02:44,336 --> 00:02:47,005
Not only did that role ignite
my passion for journalism,
88
00:02:47,005 --> 00:02:49,716
but also, the local paper raved
that my performance was,
89
00:02:49,716 --> 00:02:52,094
and I quote, "competent."
90
00:02:52,094 --> 00:02:53,512
I mean, I also loved
high school,
91
00:02:53,512 --> 00:02:55,514
except for I wasn't
one of the popular kids,
92
00:02:55,514 --> 00:02:57,140
so I was kind of
just friends with everyone.
93
00:02:57,140 --> 00:02:58,850
That's what all
the popular girls say.
94
00:02:58,850 --> 00:03:00,560
I should know because
I say it all the time.
95
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:01,937
What?!
Come on.
96
00:03:01,937 --> 00:03:03,689
Okay.
97
00:03:03,689 --> 00:03:05,982
I really just couldn't wait
till high school was over.
98
00:03:05,982 --> 00:03:07,192
Just felt like a waste of time.
99
00:03:07,192 --> 00:03:08,985
I'm really happy those days
are over.
100
00:03:08,985 --> 00:03:10,570
Are they, though?
101
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:11,905
I feel like an office
is just a high school
102
00:03:11,905 --> 00:03:14,324
with more gossip
and fewer accidental erections.
103
00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:15,659
That kind of is true.
104
00:03:15,659 --> 00:03:17,327
We all sit
at our own desks,
105
00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:19,538
seeking approval
from other people,
106
00:03:19,538 --> 00:03:21,206
and then
you've got the cliques.
107
00:03:21,206 --> 00:03:22,916
The geeks, the jocks,
108
00:03:22,916 --> 00:03:26,044
the cool seniors,
teacher's pet,
109
00:03:26,044 --> 00:03:27,587
the weird loner,
and then there's always
110
00:03:27,587 --> 00:03:29,589
that one super-intense
Queen Bee.
111
00:03:29,589 --> 00:03:30,966
Nell?
Oh, God. Yeah?
112
00:03:30,966 --> 00:03:32,592
I'd like to see you
in my office,
113
00:03:32,592 --> 00:03:34,386
but please don't follow
for at least 30 seconds.
114
00:03:34,386 --> 00:03:36,888
I don't want people to think
we're walking together.
115
00:03:36,888 --> 00:03:38,807
One, two--
116
00:03:38,807 --> 00:03:39,724
You don't have to count, babe.
It's okay.
Yeah, no.
117
00:03:39,724 --> 00:03:40,725
Are you sure?
Yeah. It's fine.
118
00:03:40,725 --> 00:03:42,894
How would you like to write
119
00:03:42,894 --> 00:03:45,230
your first-ever
front-page obituary?
120
00:03:45,230 --> 00:03:46,815
Are you serious?
121
00:03:46,815 --> 00:03:47,941
Yes.
122
00:03:47,941 --> 00:03:49,609
I would.
123
00:03:49,609 --> 00:03:51,611
I promise not
to let you down, Lexi.
124
00:03:51,611 --> 00:03:54,489
Okay, great.
This is the assignment.
125
00:03:54,489 --> 00:03:56,366
Why? [ Clears throat ]
I don't understand.
126
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:59,202
I-I turned in
this obit already.
127
00:03:59,202 --> 00:04:00,495
Oh, my God.
You're, like, obsessed with me.
128
00:04:00,495 --> 00:04:02,372
Yes, you did write it already,
but it was--
129
00:04:02,372 --> 00:04:03,707
oh, gosh, what's the term?--
130
00:04:03,707 --> 00:04:05,125
stanky garbage.
131
00:04:05,125 --> 00:04:06,793
I like her. Mm.
132
00:04:06,793 --> 00:04:10,380
What's the first thing you
notice about Piper's Instagram?
133
00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,090
She mangled the spelling
of "entrepreneur."
134
00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:13,925
She had
four million followers.
135
00:04:13,925 --> 00:04:15,719
Two million more than
Bryce Dallas Howard.
136
00:04:15,719 --> 00:04:17,304
No big deal.
137
00:04:17,304 --> 00:04:19,389
Followers that will be driven
to the newspaper
138
00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:22,142
if you write a warm
and thoughtful obituary.
139
00:04:22,142 --> 00:04:24,394
Mm-hmm.
140
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,480
Oh.
Hmm?
141
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,107
When I stop talking,
it means the meeting is over.
142
00:04:29,107 --> 00:04:31,067
See? Mm.
143
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:32,235
Oh, that makes it
less personal.
144
00:04:32,235 --> 00:04:33,028
Still hurtful, though.
145
00:04:34,446 --> 00:04:36,531
Ha ha.
Ooh!
146
00:04:36,531 --> 00:04:37,574
[ Whistling ]
147
00:04:37,574 --> 00:04:39,451
- Oh!
- Aw.
148
00:04:42,871 --> 00:04:44,414
Take it, Dennis.
Three-pointer.
149
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:49,002
Or you can just throw it
back to us.
150
00:04:49,002 --> 00:04:55,050
♪
151
00:04:55,050 --> 00:04:57,594
You okay?
Oh, no.
152
00:04:57,594 --> 00:05:00,055
Did Tina flip her eyelids
inside out again?
153
00:05:00,055 --> 00:05:02,516
Someone hung a basketball hoop
in the bullpen.
154
00:05:02,516 --> 00:05:03,892
Oh, that's cool.
No, not cool!
155
00:05:03,892 --> 00:05:06,394
I don't like basketball.
156
00:05:06,394 --> 00:05:09,189
Duh. You thought the Utah Jazz
was a Mormon swing band.
157
00:05:09,189 --> 00:05:11,107
Karl Malone
is a bass player's name.
158
00:05:11,107 --> 00:05:12,234
LeBron, think fast.
Whoo!
159
00:05:12,234 --> 00:05:13,360
Aah!
Ooh.
160
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,529
[ Laughs ]
161
00:05:15,529 --> 00:05:16,947
That's very good.
Ah, thank you.
162
00:05:16,947 --> 00:05:18,448
We have fun.
We have fun here.
163
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:19,866
Piper: You know
what you should write about?
164
00:05:19,866 --> 00:05:21,827
Huh?
My memorial.
165
00:05:21,827 --> 00:05:24,538
It's gonna be
the most fire funeral ever.
166
00:05:24,538 --> 00:05:26,331
The whole Piper Posse's
gonna be there--
167
00:05:26,331 --> 00:05:28,708
Kaitlyn, Mckenna,
Mckenzie, McKaitlyn.
168
00:05:28,708 --> 00:05:30,460
And you'll finally be able
to go to a cool party.
169
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:31,753
I go
to a lot of cool parties.
170
00:05:31,753 --> 00:05:33,380
Escape rooms don't count.
171
00:05:33,380 --> 00:05:35,757
Hey, Cheugy, there's
some lady here to see you.
172
00:05:35,757 --> 00:05:38,635
Me, I tell my squad
not to visit me in the office
173
00:05:38,635 --> 00:05:41,638
because unlike you,
I have a dope work ethic.
174
00:05:41,638 --> 00:05:43,557
Mason out.
175
00:05:45,308 --> 00:05:46,309
Is that your mom?
176
00:05:46,309 --> 00:05:47,894
No, that's my friend.
177
00:05:47,894 --> 00:05:49,229
She looks like a mom.
178
00:05:49,229 --> 00:05:50,814
Yep. Still waving.
179
00:05:50,814 --> 00:05:53,316
You left your sweater
at the bar the other night. Mm.
180
00:05:53,316 --> 00:05:55,569
I was worried you might get
a little chilly.
181
00:05:55,569 --> 00:05:58,655
And I packed your
favorite snack, wine.
182
00:05:58,655 --> 00:06:00,574
Aww, thank you, Cricket.
183
00:06:00,574 --> 00:06:02,951
Today might be the day
I start drinking on the job.
184
00:06:02,951 --> 00:06:04,661
Are you okay?
185
00:06:04,661 --> 00:06:05,912
I got
the front page story,
186
00:06:05,912 --> 00:06:07,831
which is a huge step
in my career,
187
00:06:07,831 --> 00:06:09,291
but the woman
that I'm writing about
188
00:06:09,291 --> 00:06:10,792
was a mean girl
at my high school,
189
00:06:10,792 --> 00:06:13,003
and I'm just-- Ugh,
I'm just kind of starting
190
00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:14,629
to get her negative voice
in my head again.
191
00:06:14,629 --> 00:06:17,173
Do you know why mean girls
are so mean?
Hmm?
192
00:06:17,173 --> 00:06:20,176
Because deep down inside,
they are insecure.
193
00:06:20,176 --> 00:06:21,511
You think so?
194
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:23,930
Jenny Witt tormented me
for two years
195
00:06:23,930 --> 00:06:26,057
because she was jealous
of me.
196
00:06:26,057 --> 00:06:27,809
On the other hand,
I did steal her boyfriend.
197
00:06:27,809 --> 00:06:29,185
Noice.
198
00:06:29,185 --> 00:06:30,812
Uh, thank you, Cricket.
199
00:06:30,812 --> 00:06:31,980
I should probably
get back to work.
200
00:06:31,980 --> 00:06:32,981
Okay.
Thank you, thank you.
201
00:06:32,981 --> 00:06:34,566
Bye.
Bye.
202
00:06:34,566 --> 00:06:36,276
[ Scoffs ] I can't believe
you're in charge
203
00:06:36,276 --> 00:06:38,820
of the last thing that's ever
gonna be written about me.
204
00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:40,864
I don't want an obituary
that sucks, okay?
205
00:06:40,864 --> 00:06:42,699
It won't suck.
206
00:06:42,699 --> 00:06:44,284
Although, writing about you
is like trying to put
207
00:06:44,284 --> 00:06:46,912
a positive spin
on the Hindenburg.
208
00:06:46,912 --> 00:06:50,415
Number one-- No one understands
your weird references.
209
00:06:50,415 --> 00:06:52,626
And, "B," if you don't
figure this out,
210
00:06:52,626 --> 00:06:54,336
you're totally
gonna boof this,
211
00:06:54,336 --> 00:06:55,795
just like you did
in the ninth grade.
212
00:06:55,795 --> 00:06:57,631
I don't know what
you're talking about.
213
00:06:57,631 --> 00:07:00,133
You don't remember your speech
from freshman year?
214
00:07:00,133 --> 00:07:02,927
As editor
of the Bulldog Gazette,
215
00:07:02,927 --> 00:07:05,847
I understand that
fiscal responsibility is--
216
00:07:05,847 --> 00:07:07,807
Pbht!
[ Laughter ]
217
00:07:07,807 --> 00:07:09,601
...is
a profoundly solemn oath...
218
00:07:09,601 --> 00:07:12,520
You suck, Nelly Fart-ado!
[ Laughs ]
219
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:13,938
Go ahead, laugh.
220
00:07:13,938 --> 00:07:15,440
One day, I'm gonna be
running The New York Times
221
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:16,983
and hanging out
with Josh Hartnett.
222
00:07:16,983 --> 00:07:19,903
[ Laughter ]
223
00:07:19,903 --> 00:07:21,946
Interesting.
I do not remember that.
224
00:07:21,946 --> 00:07:24,824
Yeah, you didn't exactly reach
your career goals, did you?
225
00:07:24,824 --> 00:07:27,118
And I don't think
that's Josh Hartnett.
226
00:07:29,663 --> 00:07:31,748
You know, I don't care
what you say.
227
00:07:31,748 --> 00:07:34,042
I'm a strong,
successful journalist.
228
00:07:34,042 --> 00:07:36,378
Maybe you fooled these dorks
into believing that,
229
00:07:36,378 --> 00:07:37,420
but I know the truth.
230
00:07:37,420 --> 00:07:39,089
You're still
insecure Nelly,
231
00:07:39,089 --> 00:07:40,757
and you know you're not gonna
be able to pull this off.
232
00:07:40,757 --> 00:07:41,883
Oh, my God.
233
00:07:41,883 --> 00:07:43,551
I need a break Oh.
234
00:07:43,551 --> 00:07:45,387
[ Gasps ]
Oh!
235
00:07:45,387 --> 00:07:46,763
[ Laughter ]
236
00:07:46,763 --> 00:07:49,099
Classic Fart-ado.
237
00:07:49,099 --> 00:07:50,141
[ Laughter continues ]
238
00:07:50,141 --> 00:07:51,434
Pbht!
239
00:07:51,434 --> 00:07:53,269
[ Laughter continues ]
240
00:07:55,939 --> 00:07:58,316
[ Sighs ] Hey.
Hmm?
241
00:07:58,316 --> 00:08:00,610
Could you read this obit
that I'm working on?
242
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,153
Sure. It's not like I'm trying
to do anything important,
243
00:08:02,153 --> 00:08:03,822
like beat
Yusheng Du's world record!
244
00:08:03,822 --> 00:08:05,365
Great.
245
00:08:08,743 --> 00:08:09,369
[ Exhales deeply ]
246
00:08:11,121 --> 00:08:13,039
Piper Ashford died?
You knew her?
247
00:08:13,039 --> 00:08:14,416
I follow her.
Of course you did.
248
00:08:14,416 --> 00:08:16,418
She thinks deforestation's
super sadsies.
249
00:08:16,418 --> 00:08:18,086
I think Al Gore said
the same thing.
250
00:08:18,086 --> 00:08:19,337
Huh.
Huh.
251
00:08:19,337 --> 00:08:20,505
I'm sensing some sarcasm
there, huh?
252
00:08:20,505 --> 00:08:21,715
I grew up with Piper.
253
00:08:21,715 --> 00:08:24,092
She was a real butt-munch,
but now, luckily,
254
00:08:24,092 --> 00:08:26,636
I understand that she was,
uh, just jealous.
255
00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:29,806
"They're just jealous of you"
is an empty platitude
256
00:08:29,806 --> 00:08:32,434
that parents tell their kids
to make them feel better.
257
00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:34,394
I had
27 childhood bullies,
258
00:08:34,394 --> 00:08:36,479
and they were all
very well-adjusted.
259
00:08:36,479 --> 00:08:38,189
Neat. Great.
Can you please read this?
260
00:08:38,189 --> 00:08:39,315
It's for
the front page.
261
00:08:39,315 --> 00:08:41,693
[ Reading indistinctly ]
262
00:08:41,693 --> 00:08:42,986
[ Laughs ]
Hmm?
263
00:08:42,986 --> 00:08:44,237
It's great.
Really?
264
00:08:44,237 --> 00:08:45,363
It's cold and dry.
265
00:08:45,363 --> 00:08:46,448
It's like a list
of bullet points
266
00:08:46,448 --> 00:08:47,699
without any human emotion.
267
00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:48,742
I connect strongly to it.
268
00:08:48,742 --> 00:08:50,035
Awesome. Thanks.
269
00:08:52,954 --> 00:08:54,873
[ Knock on door ]
270
00:08:54,873 --> 00:08:56,374
Why is
your door closed?
271
00:08:56,374 --> 00:08:57,542
Oh, my God.
Are you hiding?
272
00:08:57,542 --> 00:08:58,960
You're hiding!
273
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,754
Is this about
that basketball hoop?
274
00:09:00,754 --> 00:09:01,963
Sit.
What?
275
00:09:01,963 --> 00:09:05,633
Let me tell you a story
of a little boy...
276
00:09:05,633 --> 00:09:07,510
[ Gasps ]
...whose rugged good looks
277
00:09:07,510 --> 00:09:10,013
were often compared to that
of a young Denzel Washington.
278
00:09:10,013 --> 00:09:11,514
Ooh.
Yes.
279
00:09:11,514 --> 00:09:14,893
One day, said boy happened
upon some neighborhood youths
280
00:09:14,893 --> 00:09:17,771
who were playing a game
they called "street ball."
281
00:09:17,771 --> 00:09:19,397
They invited him to join.
282
00:09:19,397 --> 00:09:21,066
You know I-I know you're
talking about you, right?
283
00:09:21,066 --> 00:09:22,400
The boy was frightened. Oh.
284
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,569
After all, he had never
thrown a ball before.
285
00:09:24,569 --> 00:09:25,862
Like, ever?
286
00:09:25,862 --> 00:09:27,072
There were no sports
at the Hirsch Academy
287
00:09:27,072 --> 00:09:28,740
for Performing Arts.
288
00:09:28,740 --> 00:09:31,576
But his acting teacher
often said,
289
00:09:31,576 --> 00:09:36,122
"New life experiences become
new acting experiences."
290
00:09:36,122 --> 00:09:37,665
So the boy
knew he had to try.
291
00:09:37,665 --> 00:09:39,834
I have a meeting that starts
at 2:00, so I should--
292
00:09:39,834 --> 00:09:41,544
The boy grasped the ball
in his hands,
293
00:09:41,544 --> 00:09:45,131
aimed it towards the hoop,
but when he threw it, somehow,
294
00:09:45,131 --> 00:09:46,466
against the very laws
of physics,
295
00:09:46,466 --> 00:09:48,802
it went straight up, came down,
smashed his glasses,
296
00:09:48,802 --> 00:09:50,553
broke his nose,
and at the sight of blood,
297
00:09:50,553 --> 00:09:52,347
the boy threw up
and fainted
298
00:09:52,347 --> 00:09:54,182
right there
on the basketball field.
299
00:09:54,182 --> 00:09:55,308
It's technically called
a court.
300
00:10:00,021 --> 00:10:02,107
This is about more
than just an office game.
301
00:10:02,107 --> 00:10:04,192
Eventually, I'm gonna have
a little kid, and they'll go,
302
00:10:04,192 --> 00:10:06,361
"Daddy, you wanna shoot
some hoops?"
303
00:10:06,361 --> 00:10:08,113
And I'll have to say,
"No, thank you.
304
00:10:08,113 --> 00:10:11,032
Daddy's
not very athletic."
305
00:10:11,032 --> 00:10:13,368
And then my kid
will laugh at me.
306
00:10:13,368 --> 00:10:16,329
And I will literally dissolve
into a puddle of shame.
307
00:10:16,329 --> 00:10:17,413
Oh, my God.
No, Dennis.
308
00:10:17,413 --> 00:10:18,832
I'm so sorry.
309
00:10:18,832 --> 00:10:20,583
I didn't realize how scary
this is for you.
310
00:10:20,583 --> 00:10:23,211
Hey. Hey!
311
00:10:23,211 --> 00:10:24,796
Why's the door closed?
Get in here.
312
00:10:24,796 --> 00:10:26,256
Oh. Ooh.
313
00:10:26,256 --> 00:10:28,341
Let me tell you the story
of a little boy
314
00:10:28,341 --> 00:10:29,592
who came upon
some neighborhood youths.
315
00:10:29,592 --> 00:10:31,761
Oh, okay, so this is
a very long story.
316
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,138
It's okay.
I'll fill her in later. Okay.
317
00:10:33,138 --> 00:10:35,056
So, what is going on
with the obit?
318
00:10:35,056 --> 00:10:36,850
Oh, God,
I'm having writer's block.
319
00:10:36,850 --> 00:10:38,226
I mean, how am I supposed
to write something nice
320
00:10:38,226 --> 00:10:40,061
about a girl that used
to call me "Nelly Fart-ado"?
321
00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:41,771
[ Laughs ]
Ah.
322
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,439
That's a good one.
323
00:10:43,439 --> 00:10:44,691
I mean, I used to actually
come up with nicknames
324
00:10:44,691 --> 00:10:46,109
for people
all the time in high school.
325
00:10:46,109 --> 00:10:47,527
Like, there was
this girl called Sarah.
326
00:10:47,527 --> 00:10:48,528
I called her Betty.
327
00:10:48,528 --> 00:10:50,321
How did you get Betty
from Sarah?
328
00:10:50,321 --> 00:10:52,866
She was always sweating
all the time,
329
00:10:52,866 --> 00:10:54,826
so we called her Sweaty Betty,
and then it just became Betty.
330
00:10:54,826 --> 00:10:56,619
That is extremely mean.
331
00:10:56,619 --> 00:10:58,872
What? No!
She loved it.
332
00:10:58,872 --> 00:11:01,040
She laughed
until she cried.
333
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,333
[ Gasps ] Oh.
Hmm.
334
00:11:02,333 --> 00:11:03,459
Was I...
A bully?
335
00:11:03,459 --> 00:11:05,211
Like, a bad one.
Yes, definitely.
336
00:11:05,211 --> 00:11:07,714
I need to atone
for that sin.
337
00:11:07,714 --> 00:11:10,341
Too bad you can't go back
in time and not be a dick. Mm.
338
00:11:10,341 --> 00:11:13,845
But I could help you get
over your fear of basketball.
339
00:11:13,845 --> 00:11:15,513
I'd rather have cash.
340
00:11:15,513 --> 00:11:18,349
Then when I'm done with you,
nobody is gonna call you
341
00:11:18,349 --> 00:11:20,518
"Shaquille O'Squeal,"
"Larry Turd,"
342
00:11:20,518 --> 00:11:22,145
"Tragic Johnson"--
Mama, no.
343
00:11:22,145 --> 00:11:23,813
Do you hear yourself?
Can you please stop,
por favor?
344
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,398
It's too much.
345
00:11:25,398 --> 00:11:26,983
[ P. A. beeps ]
Lexi on P. A.: Nell Serrano,
346
00:11:26,983 --> 00:11:29,110
could you come see me
in the conference room?
347
00:11:29,110 --> 00:11:31,196
Nell Serrano
to the conference room.
348
00:11:31,196 --> 00:11:32,906
When did she install
a P. A. system?
349
00:11:32,906 --> 00:11:34,616
[ P. A. beeps ]
Last night.
350
00:11:36,784 --> 00:11:38,453
Nell,
I wanted to check in
351
00:11:38,453 --> 00:11:40,872
on how the front-page
obituary is coming.
352
00:11:40,872 --> 00:11:43,208
It's, uh, going okay.
353
00:11:43,208 --> 00:11:44,709
Yeah.
A little slow, I guess.
354
00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:46,878
Ever since you started,
you have been begging me
355
00:11:46,878 --> 00:11:48,379
for a seat
at the dinner table. Mm...
356
00:11:48,379 --> 00:11:50,506
Now here I am with a chair
pulled out for you,
357
00:11:50,506 --> 00:11:52,842
and you are off pooping
in the guest house.
358
00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:54,844
- Mason!
- That's my name.
359
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,554
Whatchu need,
baby girl?
360
00:11:56,554 --> 00:11:59,891
How would you like to write
a front-page obituary?
361
00:11:59,891 --> 00:12:01,267
Yes.
362
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:02,894
Who's the subject?
Hold on. One second.
363
00:12:02,894 --> 00:12:05,230
Uh, you're giving him
the assignment?
364
00:12:05,230 --> 00:12:06,773
He's a freaking intern!
365
00:12:06,773 --> 00:12:08,608
I was the editor of the paper
at Dartmouth, you old crone.
366
00:12:08,608 --> 00:12:10,235
Silence!
367
00:12:10,235 --> 00:12:12,403
When I was a child,
every night,
368
00:12:12,403 --> 00:12:13,696
my father would
tell my brothers and me
369
00:12:13,696 --> 00:12:17,116
that he only had enough energy
for one good night hug.
370
00:12:17,116 --> 00:12:19,702
Whoever made the best case for
it would win his prized embrace.
371
00:12:19,702 --> 00:12:21,079
This explains so much.
372
00:12:21,079 --> 00:12:23,122
People work better
when they're in competition.
373
00:12:23,122 --> 00:12:25,208
Therefore, both of you
will write Piper's obituary,
374
00:12:25,208 --> 00:12:28,253
and whoever does a better job
will win the front page.
375
00:12:28,253 --> 00:12:31,756
Think of it as though you're
both competing for my hug.
376
00:12:31,756 --> 00:12:34,133
Although I will never
touch either of you.
377
00:12:34,133 --> 00:12:35,760
[ Sighs ]
378
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,887
Cricket: She turned it
into a contest?
379
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:39,597
And now Mason's going
to Piper's memorial,
380
00:12:39,597 --> 00:12:41,683
so I have to go, too.
[ Scoffs ]
381
00:12:41,683 --> 00:12:46,020
Ugh, and that stupid,
negative voice in my head... Mm.
382
00:12:46,020 --> 00:12:47,981
...is only gonna get louder.
383
00:12:47,981 --> 00:12:49,357
You know what's great
about getting older?
384
00:12:49,357 --> 00:12:51,109
Hmm?
385
00:12:51,109 --> 00:12:53,361
You have heard everything
that those voices have to say,
386
00:12:53,361 --> 00:12:55,613
and you just
stop listening.
[ Scoffs ]
387
00:12:55,613 --> 00:12:57,782
You know, my mom said that
you shouldn't allow yourself
388
00:12:57,782 --> 00:12:59,701
to become a pessimist.
Piper: Oh, my God.
389
00:12:59,701 --> 00:13:01,786
How could I have had faith
in you?
There are
some beautiful things...
390
00:13:01,786 --> 00:13:03,788
I thought you would
pull this off.
391
00:13:03,788 --> 00:13:06,165
You're a grown woman and you're
taking advice from this lady?
392
00:13:06,165 --> 00:13:08,293
...negativity
is the enemy of creativity.
393
00:13:08,293 --> 00:13:10,003
Why don't you tell
your mom friend
394
00:13:10,003 --> 00:13:13,756
that this negative voice inside
your head is actually a ghost?
395
00:13:13,756 --> 00:13:15,675
I'm sure she won't think
you're psycho at all.
396
00:13:15,675 --> 00:13:18,177
Because deep down, you know
that you're a sad little loser
397
00:13:18,177 --> 00:13:20,221
and now you can't even
write one single obituary.
398
00:13:20,221 --> 00:13:22,348
But you are a beautiful,
kind, lovely person.
399
00:13:22,348 --> 00:13:24,851
Face it, Nelly.
You peaked in high school.
400
00:13:24,851 --> 00:13:27,103
Would you just stop?!
401
00:13:27,103 --> 00:13:28,438
I'm sorry.
I was just--
402
00:13:28,438 --> 00:13:30,898
I was
just trying to help you.
403
00:13:30,898 --> 00:13:32,025
Sorry.
404
00:13:32,025 --> 00:13:34,527
No, I-I didn't--
I--
405
00:13:34,527 --> 00:13:36,946
[ Sighs ] It's, uh--
It's not you. I...
406
00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:39,365
I'll-- I'll see you later, okay?
407
00:13:39,365 --> 00:13:41,117
♪
408
00:13:45,121 --> 00:13:47,582
♪ It's about damn time ♪
Look at all the sponsors.
409
00:13:47,582 --> 00:13:50,084
Aw, my very last
Instagram post.
410
00:13:50,084 --> 00:13:51,669
[ Clicks tongue ]
411
00:13:51,669 --> 00:13:55,173
Oh, there's the photo ops,
and there's the omelet bar.
412
00:13:55,173 --> 00:13:56,966
You know, I curated
all of this in my will.
413
00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:58,676
Yeah, you mentioned that,
like, seven times.
414
00:13:58,676 --> 00:14:01,637
I better see if they set up
the refection yurt.
415
00:14:01,637 --> 00:14:04,140
Well, well, well.
416
00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:05,808
Look what
the cat threw up.
417
00:14:05,808 --> 00:14:07,477
Why are you dressed
like Tony Soprano?
418
00:14:07,477 --> 00:14:08,978
Oh, don't be a hater
'cause you're jelly.
419
00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:10,396
The front page is mine,
420
00:14:10,396 --> 00:14:12,356
so you might as well go home, Grandma.
421
00:14:12,356 --> 00:14:13,816
Ooh, churros!
422
00:14:13,816 --> 00:14:15,068
♪ Mm ♪
423
00:14:15,068 --> 00:14:16,736
♪ That's how I feel right now ♪
424
00:14:16,736 --> 00:14:19,155
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
425
00:14:19,155 --> 00:14:20,907
Cricket:
Hey, is this seat taken?
426
00:14:20,907 --> 00:14:22,658
[ Chuckles ]
427
00:14:22,658 --> 00:14:24,869
♪ I'm way too fine
to be this stressed, yeah ♪
428
00:14:24,869 --> 00:14:27,705
Oh.
Oh.
429
00:14:27,705 --> 00:14:30,875
I knew this was the last place
you wanted to be today.
430
00:14:30,875 --> 00:14:34,504
So I decided to come give you
some emotional support.
431
00:14:34,504 --> 00:14:37,048
Thank you, Cricket.
432
00:14:37,048 --> 00:14:38,382
My career might be ending,
433
00:14:38,382 --> 00:14:39,509
but at least I got
my friend with me.
434
00:14:39,509 --> 00:14:41,427
Yes, you do.
435
00:14:41,427 --> 00:14:42,720
♪ It's about damn time ♪
436
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,765
Okay. Alright.
She is on there.
437
00:14:45,765 --> 00:14:48,101
Now tell me--
What is the ultimate goal?
438
00:14:48,101 --> 00:14:49,977
To play Jean Valjean
on Broadway.
439
00:14:49,977 --> 00:14:52,688
And to conquer your fear
and make a basket.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
440
00:14:52,688 --> 00:14:54,273
I was gonna say that,
but the first thing--
441
00:14:54,273 --> 00:14:55,983
Aah!
[ Glass shatters ]
442
00:14:55,983 --> 00:14:57,902
Alright.
443
00:14:57,902 --> 00:14:59,320
Now, you listen to me.
444
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,364
When I'm done with you,
this entire newsroom
445
00:15:01,364 --> 00:15:04,575
is gonna see
you drain one from downtown.
446
00:15:04,575 --> 00:15:06,035
[ Frank Stallone's
"Far from Over" plays ]
447
00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:08,121
[ Man speaking indistinctly ]
I really like their costumes.
448
00:15:08,121 --> 00:15:09,205
Focus!
449
00:15:09,205 --> 00:15:10,623
In.
Let's go!
450
00:15:10,623 --> 00:15:13,042
Like a fish.
Let's go.
451
00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:14,127
What the [bleep]
was that?
452
00:15:14,127 --> 00:15:16,379
Now take the shot,
take the shot!
453
00:15:16,379 --> 00:15:17,922
Close. Mm-hmm.
And set.
454
00:15:17,922 --> 00:15:18,714
Okay.
♪ This is the end ♪
455
00:15:18,714 --> 00:15:20,049
Oh!
Oh.
456
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:21,425
Very close.
457
00:15:21,425 --> 00:15:22,718
Okay.
We don't need to dribble.
458
00:15:22,718 --> 00:15:24,262
You want to put your hands
in the same position
459
00:15:24,262 --> 00:15:26,222
as Mariah Carey
doing a vocal run.
460
00:15:26,222 --> 00:15:27,390
That I understand.
461
00:15:27,390 --> 00:15:28,474
Okay.
Okay.
462
00:15:28,474 --> 00:15:30,226
[ Vocalizing ]
463
00:15:30,226 --> 00:15:33,563
♪ I need it all
'cause I am running over ♪
464
00:15:33,563 --> 00:15:37,567
♪
465
00:15:37,567 --> 00:15:39,735
[ Sighs ]
466
00:15:39,735 --> 00:15:42,196
I mean, we could just burn
the entire building down.
467
00:15:42,196 --> 00:15:44,490
[ Dance music plays ]
468
00:15:44,490 --> 00:15:49,245
Ah. Of course this is the most
perfect funeral in history.
469
00:15:49,245 --> 00:15:51,038
Oh.
470
00:15:51,038 --> 00:15:53,541
I'm not so sure sponsorship
is what makes a good funeral.
471
00:15:53,541 --> 00:15:54,917
What the heck
does she know?
472
00:15:54,917 --> 00:15:56,419
She's probably
still on Facebook.
473
00:15:56,419 --> 00:15:58,254
[ Laughs ]
If the Piper Posse were here,
474
00:15:58,254 --> 00:16:00,131
they would have loved
that sick burn.
475
00:16:00,131 --> 00:16:01,465
Where are they?
476
00:16:01,465 --> 00:16:04,302
If you ask me,
it's-- it's kind of sad.
477
00:16:04,302 --> 00:16:07,513
And not the way memorials
are supposed to be sad.
478
00:16:07,513 --> 00:16:08,598
Check that out.
479
00:16:08,598 --> 00:16:11,017
When Monty died,
everyone wanted
480
00:16:11,017 --> 00:16:12,351
to make
a speech about him.
481
00:16:12,351 --> 00:16:15,188
Hm.
I mean, it went on for hours.
482
00:16:15,188 --> 00:16:18,024
Piper may have had
four million followers,
483
00:16:18,024 --> 00:16:20,193
but I'm guessing she didn't
have a lot of friends.
484
00:16:20,193 --> 00:16:22,195
[ Scoffs ]
I have friends.
485
00:16:22,195 --> 00:16:23,321
I have tons of friends.
486
00:16:23,321 --> 00:16:25,406
They're probably
just parking.
487
00:16:25,406 --> 00:16:27,116
You know what?
Maybe you're right.
488
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:30,453
I mean, I-I don't think she had
any real friends.
489
00:16:30,453 --> 00:16:31,913
Not even the Piper Posse.
490
00:16:31,913 --> 00:16:33,497
Are you high?
491
00:16:33,497 --> 00:16:35,124
I rushed Delta Gamma
with McCauley and McKendra.
492
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,459
Yeah, she ruled
over those girls,
493
00:16:36,459 --> 00:16:38,127
but it was only
for their approval.
494
00:16:38,127 --> 00:16:39,545
Not because
they were friends.
495
00:16:39,545 --> 00:16:43,883
Even before social media,
Piper only had... followers.
496
00:16:43,883 --> 00:16:45,259
[ Scoffs ]
497
00:16:45,259 --> 00:16:46,552
Oh.
498
00:16:46,552 --> 00:16:48,846
I can't believe I actually
feel sorry for her.
499
00:16:48,846 --> 00:16:50,264
[ Scoffs ] Please.
500
00:16:50,264 --> 00:16:53,726
♪
501
00:16:53,726 --> 00:16:55,895
Huh.
I'll be back.
502
00:16:55,895 --> 00:16:57,063
Alright.
What are you doing?
503
00:16:57,063 --> 00:16:58,314
Where are you going?
504
00:16:58,314 --> 00:16:59,565
Hello?
505
00:16:59,565 --> 00:17:00,942
Excuse me, e--
[ Feedback whining ]
506
00:17:00,942 --> 00:17:01,817
Excuse me, everyone.
507
00:17:01,817 --> 00:17:03,402
Hey. Hi.
508
00:17:03,402 --> 00:17:05,279
Uh, I'm, uh, Nell Serrano.
509
00:17:05,279 --> 00:17:07,698
I went to high school
with Piper,
510
00:17:07,698 --> 00:17:10,076
and it is a little odd
that I'm the one up here
511
00:17:10,076 --> 00:17:11,327
because she was my bully.
512
00:17:11,327 --> 00:17:12,495
Piper:
No, I was not!
513
00:17:12,495 --> 00:17:14,914
You shut your ugly face,
Fart-ado!
514
00:17:14,914 --> 00:17:17,792
Uh, when I was young,
515
00:17:17,792 --> 00:17:22,380
Piper seemed confident
and popular,
516
00:17:22,380 --> 00:17:24,465
but now I can see
another side to her,
517
00:17:24,465 --> 00:17:28,970
a side that was probably
just as insecure as I was.
518
00:17:28,970 --> 00:17:33,558
As much as we try to curate
the way people see us...
519
00:17:33,558 --> 00:17:36,644
no one knows what's
really going on inside.
520
00:17:36,644 --> 00:17:39,939
You know, we can't be reduced
to a hashtag or a selfie,
521
00:17:39,939 --> 00:17:44,110
because we're all
so complicated.
522
00:17:44,110 --> 00:17:46,988
Some of us spend our lives
running from our fears
523
00:17:46,988 --> 00:17:50,032
before gathering the courage
to face them.
524
00:17:50,032 --> 00:17:53,411
Some of us are still trying
to fit in with the cool kids.
525
00:17:53,411 --> 00:17:57,623
And some of us are trying to
atone for the kid we used to be.
526
00:17:57,623 --> 00:18:00,334
All those flattering filters
on social media made
527
00:18:00,334 --> 00:18:03,212
Piper seem like
a perfect goddess,
528
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:06,591
but, uh, she had--
529
00:18:06,591 --> 00:18:09,635
She had a negative voice
in her head, too.
530
00:18:09,635 --> 00:18:12,305
The funny thing about that mean
and internal voice
531
00:18:12,305 --> 00:18:13,889
is that it only hurts
532
00:18:13,889 --> 00:18:17,351
when we start
to believe it for ourselves.
533
00:18:17,351 --> 00:18:21,105
That's why we need a kind
and loving voice
534
00:18:21,105 --> 00:18:24,358
that can tell that cruel voice
to shut the hell up.
535
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:30,406
I really think
that Piper deserved
536
00:18:30,406 --> 00:18:32,658
to have a kind voice in her life
537
00:18:32,658 --> 00:18:35,369
that told her
that she was good enough,
538
00:18:35,369 --> 00:18:37,705
even without
all these sponsors.
539
00:18:37,705 --> 00:18:42,001
So, wherever she is,
I hope she has that voice now.
540
00:18:42,001 --> 00:18:46,172
♪
541
00:18:46,172 --> 00:18:48,090
#PiperGotHerWings.
542
00:18:48,090 --> 00:18:50,176
Cricket: Yes!
Whoo! Whoo!
543
00:18:50,176 --> 00:18:51,761
[ Cheers and applause ]
Woman: Yes!
544
00:18:51,761 --> 00:18:56,932
♪
545
00:18:56,932 --> 00:18:58,017
Woman #2: Yes!
546
00:19:01,354 --> 00:19:04,190
You don't have to do this,
you know.
547
00:19:04,190 --> 00:19:06,525
No, this is gonna keep
happening to me.
548
00:19:06,525 --> 00:19:08,361
I have
to slay my dragons.
549
00:19:08,361 --> 00:19:10,071
Okay.
550
00:19:10,071 --> 00:19:12,198
But I just want you to know
whether you make it or not
551
00:19:12,198 --> 00:19:16,369
is not gonna make you a better
friend or father or person,
552
00:19:16,369 --> 00:19:20,164
because you are perfect
exactly how you are.
553
00:19:20,164 --> 00:19:22,625
Wow.
554
00:19:22,625 --> 00:19:24,835
You've come a long way
from the accidental bully
555
00:19:24,835 --> 00:19:26,003
you were in high school.
Thank you.
556
00:19:26,003 --> 00:19:27,505
Yes. You're welcome.
557
00:19:27,505 --> 00:19:28,756
[ Chuckles ]
And you know what?
558
00:19:28,756 --> 00:19:30,716
You're right.
I don't need this.
559
00:19:30,716 --> 00:19:31,759
Let's go get donuts.
560
00:19:31,759 --> 00:19:33,010
Yes! Can do that?
Yes.
561
00:19:33,010 --> 00:19:34,470
Please. Okay.
Come on. Bah.
562
00:19:36,722 --> 00:19:38,849
You made it!
You made it!
[ Laughs ] I made it!
563
00:19:38,849 --> 00:19:39,934
Oh, my God!
564
00:19:39,934 --> 00:19:42,061
Suck it, LeBrum Germs!
565
00:19:42,061 --> 00:19:43,104
Whoever you are.
566
00:19:43,104 --> 00:19:44,021
Whoever that is.
567
00:19:49,819 --> 00:19:53,364
Well, Mason, good news.
568
00:19:53,364 --> 00:19:55,533
You have officially joined
the ranks
569
00:19:55,533 --> 00:19:57,827
of everyone who
has ever disappointed me.
570
00:19:57,827 --> 00:19:59,704
Nell,
you get the front page.
571
00:20:01,288 --> 00:20:03,833
Your pathetic little victory
means nothing
572
00:20:03,833 --> 00:20:05,376
because my best days
are ahead of me
573
00:20:05,376 --> 00:20:06,752
and you've already peak--
Peaked?
574
00:20:06,752 --> 00:20:09,380
Yeah.
I've heard that one before.
575
00:20:09,380 --> 00:20:12,216
It doesn't
really bother me anymore.
576
00:20:12,216 --> 00:20:13,968
Well, that's no fun.
577
00:20:13,968 --> 00:20:16,095
Mm.
578
00:20:16,095 --> 00:20:18,097
What a dingus.
579
00:20:18,097 --> 00:20:20,558
You know he took five swag bags
from my memorial?
580
00:20:20,558 --> 00:20:22,393
[ Chuckles ]
581
00:20:22,393 --> 00:20:24,186
By the way, I should
probably tell you
582
00:20:24,186 --> 00:20:26,856
that what you said
about me was...
583
00:20:26,856 --> 00:20:28,441
nice.
Thank you.
584
00:20:30,901 --> 00:20:33,863
So, uh,
I guess this is goodbye.
585
00:20:33,863 --> 00:20:36,407
I just have one more thing
to tell you.
586
00:20:36,407 --> 00:20:37,575
Oh?
587
00:20:37,575 --> 00:20:40,202
You really put the "bitch"
in "obituary."
588
00:20:42,246 --> 00:20:45,416
Smell ya later, Fart-ado.
589
00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:47,084
Smell ya later, Piper.
590
00:20:52,506 --> 00:20:55,050
Mm-mm-mm.
Look at you.
591
00:20:55,050 --> 00:20:58,137
You got your obituary
on the front page.
592
00:20:58,137 --> 00:21:00,014
Girl, I'm proud.
593
00:21:00,014 --> 00:21:01,599
No, it really
is well done.
594
00:21:01,599 --> 00:21:03,392
I'm not crazy about
the headline, though.
595
00:21:03,392 --> 00:21:06,729
"Dope Influencer
Piper Ashford Totes Dead."
596
00:21:06,729 --> 00:21:08,439
That was, um, Lexi, uh,
597
00:21:08,439 --> 00:21:10,191
saying she wanted to be
"down with the kids."
598
00:21:10,191 --> 00:21:12,151
Wait, her name
was Piper Ashford?
Cricket: Mm. Mm.
599
00:21:12,151 --> 00:21:14,028
Please tell me you called her
"Pooper Ass-Turd."
600
00:21:14,028 --> 00:21:15,946
Where were you
20 years ago?
601
00:21:15,946 --> 00:21:17,239
I wasn't born. Okay.
602
00:21:17,239 --> 00:21:18,282
Thank you.
Oh!
603
00:21:18,282 --> 00:21:19,784
Okay. Thanks.
Okay?
604
00:21:19,784 --> 00:21:21,160
[ Laughter ]