("Got to Change" by Caribou playing)
(energetic electronic music)
♪ And I know it's got to change ♪
(electronic music intensifies)
♪ And I know it's got to change ♪
(inaudible shouting)
♪ And I know it's got to change ♪
(music softens)
♪ And I know it's got to change ♪
(music building)
♪ And I know it's got to change ♪
(inaudible arguments)
♪ And I know it's got to change ♪
(music continues)
(music stops)
(Cunner, in English): Well, you're a coach.
You okay with diving if it gets you a win?
- Well, a win's a win, boys. - Fuck off.
- All's fair in true love and war.
- What you gonna lay on the ice, old man?
- No, you never fuckin' lay on the ice.
- Yeah, but you'll take a dive. - Well, I'll stick ya
in the face, I'll spear ya in the nuts,
whatever it takes to get ya to retaliate, but I dunno.
- I'd rather lose honourably than win dishonourably.
You?
(siren whoops)
- Hockey players. - You said we understood each other.
- They're all the same. - I'm sorry.
- Oh, the guys drinking from a trophy all over town
for two months can't be trusted. I'm shocked!
- This game is over. - Hold on!
- Should have never started. - You're right.
- I know I'm right. (Cat): We couldn't say no
to the donation, Kelly. - When's the last time you read
something good about a hockey player?
(Cat): I know. I should have listened.
- Clearly a culture problem with the sport.
- I'm sorry. - Just... what are we doing?
- It's not up to me. Sergeant's on the way.
- Doug? - No, he was promoted.
It's Shawn now. - Which Shawn?
- New guy.
(police radio chatter)
(Mason): What a pussy.
(Teppo): Seriously? - Guy's losing his mind.
- You have one job. One job! Keep them in control.
- Yeah, scream at a cop. That'll get ya a long way.
- In a foreign country no less. - Take a log off the fire, bud.
- What a loser. - In Finland, you get three
gourmet meals a day in jail.
Maybe he's just tired of Sudbury food.
- Gotta say, gents, this is already worth the trip home.
- I knew Shoresy wouldn't disappoint.
- I expected a scrappy game but...
- She's scrappy, all right. - ...I did not expect a scrap
before the game started. - That's what you get for
trashin' North American hockey for the last month.
- Pigeons. - Wonder what Shoresy's
next trick is? - More of the same.
- You think? - First period, kill some guys.
(whistle screeches) - Yup.
- Who's got a lip dinger? - Just a big lip boomer.
- I'm Jory Jordan with the Sudbury Kids Sports Report
On Location. I'm told Anik Archambault
of BROdude Sports is also covering today's event
and I'll be giving her an earful the first chance I get
after fumbling my first appearance on BROdude
this summer. Bitter? Perhaps.
I got here off of views and clicks,
she got here off of nudes and dicks.
I got here off of plugging vlogs,
she got here off of sucking hogs.
Sure, we're both here 'cause of the gift of gab.
Our silver tongues. But mine was used
for profound journalism. Hers was used on the penises,
or otherwise, of people who hire profound journalists.
Stay tuned. (Fan): Let's go, NOSHO!
Fuck the EU! You know what to do! Woo!
(group cheers) (Mo): Bulldogs faithful found their way.
(crowd chattering)
(Mo): Must make you feel pretty good.
(Anik): Shoresy!
Compliments on the cotton candy blue.
- It's a pale turquoise. - Give me a quick one.
- Later! - Come on, man.
- After!
Hey, Kyle, I see you met Teppo Maki.
(Kyle): Psycho Maki. - Well, you're a cop.
Throw one of those Hannibal Lecter masks on him.
(Kyle): Wish I could throw one on you!
- Oops, looks like we've overlapped with BROdude Sports.
What an opportunity for the SKSR Live,
and for me, to give a lesson in broadcasting to the anchor
known in professional circles as "Panic Archambault."
Remember me? - Uh, Jordan, right?
- My last name, yes, like Michael.
Michael B., Montell. - Right, your name's Jory.
- Chalk one up for Eats Dick Archambault.
- Pardon me? - Anik, I got here through
hard work and saving my allowance.
You got here through sleeping with dozens
of your superiors, possibly several dozens.
Care to comment?
Well, that-- Oh!
(police radio chatter) - Sergeant's coming.
- What's his name again? - Shawn.
- That Shawn. - We want everyone out of here.
- Well, this isn't good. - Can we get everyone out of here, please?
(Shawn): We can talk about it. - You've done it before,
you can do it again. Everyone out.
- Everyone is a lot of people. (Cat): We had an agreement.
- Is the agreement in writing? - Are you serious?
- No! - That's gonna hurt us here.
- You're serious. - There's a lot more people here
than church league, Kelly. You want me to just
boot 'em all out? How do think that's gonna go?
- You were told clearly.
- My guys will stick around for the game
and make sure everyone leaves in good time afterwards.
- There is a 50/50 draw, half to the fans, half to us.
Our half is yours.
(Kelly huffs)
Oof... - You're still standing.
- Kind of. - We'll get the cuffs off your guys.
- The cuffs were a bit dramatic. - Zip-ties.
They get a good story out of it.
Should throw some on that nutbar.
(Teppo): Do your job! Do your job!
- Thank you. - My guys like your guys.
(Shoresy talking calmly)
They think it's cool the Bulldogs know their names.
(exhales)
- Three cheers for casual sex.
- Okay. All right, I got 'em. - You keep your eyes on them.
- Okay, yep.
(skates scratch on ice)
This is fuckin' crazy.
- You've seen crazier, Vinnie.
- We either call the game or we start with a clean slate.
- We're not callin' the game! - Yeah, EU coach agrees.
All right.
We're goin' five on five here!
(crowd cheering loudly)
("Entrance" by OddKidOut playing)
(bassy electronic music)
(inaudible)
(music building)
- Let's kill some guys.
(electronic music continues)
(crowd shouting)
(whistle screeches)
(electronic music continues)
(whistle screeches)
(Shoresy): Refs are really lettin' it go, eh?
Well, ya fuckin' killed some guys.
- We're down by two, old man. - Oh what, two whole goals?
(Michaels): Get a couple now, boys. - Huh?
- Don't wait. (Shoresy): We piss two goals.
- Keep it simple, boys. Beat 'em up.
- Jim. - Yeah.
- Jim. - Yes.
- Jim. - What's up, Shoresy?
What's goin' on, buddy? - Nice work, Jims!
- Freisen, where's your brother? - He had to go pee.
- I think you can dig a little deeper.
- How 'bout havin' three lines of fuckin' killers?
(Mo): It's a luxury. (Shoresy): Huh?
(in French): Blessed.
(in English): Hey, how 'bout bein' three
deep with straight fuckin' killers?
- They're still comin', Shoresy. They're tough. - They're not scared of us.
- Make 'em scared of us! - Hit everything, b'ys!
Hard on the body! Soften 'em up!
- We need goals to win games, Shoresy.
- What do you think, Big Mo?
- Haven't killed enough guys yet.
- Well...
Let's kill some more guys!
(electronic music resumes)
(crowd cheering)
- How d'ya like that, ya fuckin' Euro!
(electronic music continues)
(crowd cheers)
(announcer): Delaney down the right wing has a shot
just wide, and Sylvestri barrels into Cederstrom.
This will draw a crowd!
(Anik): Refs have let this one get a wee bit out of hand.
(electronic music continues)
(EU players cheer)
(buzzer honks) (Jack): Refs are really lettin' them play, eh?
- Not good, boys. Not good, not good, not good.
- Real bad. - Eh, Jackie?
- You said it, buddy, not good. - One goal on Cederstrom
through five periods total is... - Dog shit.
- ...not substantial.
- Got the stud leadin' the league in rookie scoring
right here. What do they do, Jackie?
- You're an all-star, eh Jackie?
- Yeah, what's your secret, Jackie boy?
- Keep it simple. - How do you do that?
(crowd cheering)
(Shoresy): All hockey players love scoring goals.
That's what keeps us all coming back, that feeling.
- I know. - Get back to that.
- Keep it fun. - What's fun?
- Scoring goals. - Scoring fuckin' goals.
- Can't overthink it. - You started playing hockey
to score goals. - Don't overcomplicate it.
- You fuckin' idolized the guys that score goals.
- Just do something good. - Just go get that feeling.
Love scoring goals.
This is fun. (players): Oh, yeah.
(Shoresy): This is total fuckin' buy-in.
(in French): One time! (overlapping chatter)
(in English): Fuckin' eh, boys!
- Like, first period we kill some guys.
Didn't kill enough guys in the first,
so period two, we kill some more guys.
- Period three?
- Make sure they never forget who you are.
Who are we, Big Mo? - Sudbury boys.
- Ah, the Sudbury boys. I like that. That's good.
That's who we are. Dolo, who are ya?
- Rapper from Blainville, bro. - Goody, who are you?
- Six Nations gonna gobble up
all the Cree in Sault Ste. Marie.
- Who are you? - Never-misses-the-mark Mi--
(Shoresy): Shut the fuck up, Michaels. (players chuckle)
Freisen, where's your brother? (Freisen): He had to pee.
- Who are ya? - Freezer Twins.
- Gord, who are ya? - Islander. Seafood guy.
Big swingin' dick. - Sly Sylvestri, who are ya?
- I'd tell ya, but put a hockey stick in my hand
and I become a completely different person.
- Who are the Jims?
(players): The Jims are such fuckin' beauties!
- Schnurr, you old fuck, who are ya?
- Thousand games in the show. I got a few more to go.
- Delaney, ya fuckin' coke head, who are you?
- The guy who's buyin' lappies for anyone who scores today.
- Palmer, who are ya? - The guy that really wants to score now.
(all): Yeah! - Hitch, who are ya?
- The captain of this ship, old man!
(Shoresy): Who are ya, Big Mo? - Shoresy's big brother.
(Shoresy whimpers)
Who are you? - Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
I'm Mo's little brother.
Good, ya know who ya are. Who are we?
- We're the NOSHO fuckin' North Stars, boys!
- Let's make sure they never forget who we are!
(players whooping and clapping)
Delaney... Delaney, I gotta know,
you begged me to stay on this team.
You fought three basketball players for it.
You're here for the strippers and nothing more, aren't ya?
- There's another reason. - What?
- Love scorin' goals.
("Denmark/Van Gogh & Gone" by Psychedelic Porn Crumpets)
♪ I want you to see ♪
♪ In my window ♪
♪ And lose all your bones ♪
♪ And all your skin ♪
♪ Feel like you can float ♪
(dreamy music)
(inaudible)
(inaudible shouting)
(dreamy music continues)
(skates scratching)
(whistle screeches)
(dreamy music continues)
(music intensifies)
(inaudible)
(crowd cheers)
(dreamy music continues)
(exuberant cheering)
(dreamy music continues)
(cheering)
(whistle screeches, music stops)
(players shouting)
- Dive! - Fuck!
- Dive! - Dive!
(whistle screeches)
(in French): That's a fuckin' dive!
(in English): Fuckin' bullshit! (all shouting in disapproval)
(in French): What a dive, Christ.
(announcer, in English): Tough angle
from our vantage point.
Did you see it at ice level, Anik?
(Anik): Yeah, it was a dive.
(announcer): Ah yeah, there it is.
Clear embellishment from that angle.
Ref could've taken 'em both.
(Anik): I would have just took the Euro for that performance.
(announcer): The refs have really been letting 'em play all game.
The EU fooled them with this one.
(whistle screeches)
(indistinct shouting)
(EU players cheering)
(whistle screeches)
(buzzer honks)
(players continue cheering)
(whistle screeches)
(players): Good game. Good game.
(indistinct chattering)
- Good game. - Good game.
- Coach. - Good game.
(Shoresy): Thank you.
(distant sirens wailing)
- I tried to give you as much time as possible,
but I'm freezing my tits off.
- Well, no one wants that!
- Shoresy, really tough loss to say the least,
on a clear embellishment from Hakohrju.
- Diving's part of the game now.
- Unfortunately so, but that's an especially ugly way to lose.
- Yeah, I hate losing but... - I hate losing but?
Since when is there a "but" on the end
of that sentence for you?
- Well, sometimes there's more important things.
- Like what?
Like beating a cocky opponent into submission?
Our cameras caught you saying "thank you" to Teppo Maki
in the handshake. - Yeah.
- What on earth were you thanking
that embalmer-looking douche bag for?
- I was asked a question recently
and I didn't have an answer.
- What was the question?
- I'd rather lose honourably than win dishonourably. You?
- Teppo gave you your answer?
("Tell Me (Anew)" by ford. playing)
(emotional electronic music)
(inaudible)
(music continues)
(inaudible conversation)
(emotional electronic music continues)
(music continues)
(music stops)
(SportsCentre theme music)
- Welcome back! It's the Jay Onrait show
with Jay Onrait, presented by Jay Onrait,
brought to you by Jay Onrait.
Let's dive right into the news of the day
with our director of scouting, Craig Button. Craig,
how did you spend your Sudbury Saturday night?
- Watching the NOSHO North Stars serve a healthy dose
of North American brand hockey
to the EU All-Stars. Where else would I have been?!
- On a network that shall not be named, of course.
- Jay, what can we say? That was a real treat.
- That was a war!
(heavy rock music plays)
(Craig): You know, we've spent time
talking about aspects of the North American game
and how they've fallen by the wayside
for one reason or another.
(Jay): For better or for worse.
(Craig): The NOSHO North Stars
proved that the North American game is not dead.
(Jay): I haven't seen that much slashing since
the Friday the 13th marathon on Spike TV!
(Craig): Oh, they gave 'em lumber.
Well, in today's game, graphite.
(Jay): You gotta wonder where they found those psychos?!
- The Sudbury church league!
When you deal with the devil, you're ready for anything!
(laughs) - Yeah, we've all heard about them.
- Some guys, you put a hockey stick in their hands,
and they become a completely different person.
- I heard that from someone else once.
Good guy. Great one.
- The NOSHO may not have pulled out the win,
but boy oh boy,
those guys from up north proved
that our brand of hockey is alive and well.
- Well said, my friend. Well said.
(Nat): Your half of the 50/50.
- Thank you.
- Let's talk.
(Nat): You said, "When was the last time
you read something good about a hockey player?"
I'll acknowledge there's some bad stuff out there.
- Some? - Kelly.
- You said hockey players are all the same.
That there's a culture problem with the sport.
And that's where I'm going to stop you.
I've been around hockey players a long time,
and I know that the culture is very important to them.
("Past Time" by Willo playing)
So, I'm here to defend it.
I wanna tell you about my guys.
(stimulating electronic music)
(Nat): They're not perfect. I'll say that loud and clear.
They're flawed, just like the rest of us.
But hockey players are not all the same.
(indistinct shouting)
(electronic music continues)
(Nat): They have their on-ice styles and personalities.
And they're married to them. They can't help it.
(electronic music continues)
But off the ice, my guys are always growing.
My guys have taught me that
hockey players can be more than sluts.
They've taught me hockey players can be many things.
They're community members.
They take care of the people that take care of them.
(boisterous laughter) (Nat): Like Emily.
And Kevin.
And Santiago and Jorge.
(crowd cheers) They're loyal to their community,
and their community is loyal to them.
And while always being there for Sudbury...
(electronic music continues)
...they're always there for each other.
That's the culture of hockey.
Loyalty. Dependability. Team first.
(players cheer)
You guys wanted a peaceful environment at your rink,
and my guys didn't bring that. I'm sorry.
Some guys play like psychos.
But away from the game...
...my guys are family men
who call their parents and cry
when they talk about their siblings.
But they can also be who you saw at the rink yesterday.
Killers.
And the world needs people like that.
(crowd cheers)
(Nat): People who, in service of others,
will disregard themselves.
(crowd jeers)
(Nat): People who will give their blood, their sweat.
People who will push through the pain.
The world needs fighters.
So, you see,
hockey players are not all the same.
And the culture of hockey is just fine.
That's what my guys have taught me.
(electronic music continues)
Subtitling: difuze