SHARING THEIR FUNNIEST STORIES, WITHIN A DRAMA!
IF IT ISN'T FUNNY
THEY'LL BE CUT FROM THE DRAMA
So I slipped.
WHO WILL MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE SHOW?
Oh, right.
So scary!
They can't know…
There really is a true culprit behind this.
…that they have no future.
My gym class in the second period switched to self-study.
Right.
Mr. Iwata, the lifestyle teacher, won't be coming to school for a while.
That's awesome!
He's so annoying.
-So annoying! -There he comes.
Too much muscle.
Don't glance back at them.
The strangest thing happened to him.
He's talking so slowly.
You're alone, so talk faster.
I wonder if Mamiya's the culprit.
Oh, it's Hikaru Takahashi.
So that's the kind of guy you go for, huh?
It's Hitori.
No!
-They don't look the same age. -It's not like that.
And yet, you seem to be paying him mind.
Toshiya and I are just childhood friends.
-There's nothing between us. -So if you survive,
you get to stay in the drama as well.
What I'm paying mind to…
is something else.
Toshiya?
Oh, right. She saw him.
I guess it's too early for a child like you to know about love.
-What's that supposed to mean? -He's so annoying.
I have a boyfriend, you know?
What?
Come on. Don't put on airs.
Then why are you paying that friend of yours so much mind?
-He's really selling it. -That's because…
-Yesterday-- -Last night was awesome, wasn't it?
Yikes, there he is.
What's up, transfer student?
She wasn't lying.
I'm her boyfriend.
Best regards.
Why are we having a romantic comedy with an old man?
-What? -What?
What is going on?
God, that's so irritating!
We don't need any of this.
This doesn't make my heart flutter at all.
It's a love triangle.
My god.
Here we go! A Netflix Series.
ELIMINATED
Oh, they're running. They're running.
Daigo is so short.
What are you playing at?
You can't just say whatever you want.
I can't help but lend a hand when I see someone in a predicament.
I wasn't in one, but now I am.
I'm not…
Something's on your mind, right?
Something to do with Saiki last night.
So lame!
"Bingo." God, that was painful.
This isn't happening at all.
We got out of there together,
so the least we can do is have a fun conversation.
You…
How are you related to Toshiya?
Hikaru's really saving the day here.
Just a friend.
No need to trouble yourself with it anymore.
All of his lines are lame.
Taking it all on yourself is a little…
Well…
Think of it as practice for when the man you love protects you.
Just do as I say for a while.
They included a "pin-against-the-wall" scene.
My dear, sweet princess.
This is painful.
I won't let myself get butterflies
over someone like this.
You won't. You definitely won't.
But you kind of are.
What?
Why?
We need to talk. Let's move.
He must really love her.
You're just lame.
Now there's a love element in the drama.
Yes. It seems interesting.
BAND CLUB
I see.
So that's what that stunt was.
Oh, it's Minegishi.
I thought it was strange that someone as awkward as you…
Iio.
…got a girlfriend so quickly.
-He's like a vice-principal. -So who else is in a jealous rage?
Idiot. It's not like that.
For all of us to be together again,
it must mean that we all feel strange about what happened yesterday?
He's balding.
Yesterday? What happened?
Very student-like.
-So cute, right? -So cute.
Itakura's not at school today.
I mean, I get it, though.
Because he's dead.
But why did Mr. Iwata, the lifestyle teacher, disappear as well?
Scoundrels!
What happened here after we left?
Toshiya…
He must be hiding something.
I wonder what happened.
He's always been on the quiet side,
but he seems especially broody these days.
Right.
I'm sure it has something to do with that.
Stop it.
I asked him what happened, but he wouldn't give me an answer!
He's up to something behind the scenes.
-What-- -Enough!
-What? -What is he doing?
What the hell are you doing?
Shut up!
They just wanted to do this.
That's enough pathetic speculating.
-That was totally unnecessary. -Everyone has one or two secrets.
Once it's time to talk,
I'm sure he'll reveal everything to us.
What's with the long pause?
-That's speculation too! -What was the point of that?
Are you all telling me
that you could divulge something
you've never told anyone before that easily?
Divulging something you've never told anyone before?
A SECRET I'VE NEVER REVEALED
-I see. -A talk about divulging secrets.
This will be fun.
Well…
It's not a big secret.
Oh, here comes Tsukaji.
As fat as I am,
I'd like to be seen as thin, even just a little bit.
-Right. -Yeah, anyone would want that.
Even my outfit today is really tight.
It's suffocating. But even as I'm sitting here,
I'm sucking my stomach in.
-That requires effort. -Is that true?
In an attempt to appear even just a little bit thinner…
They're laughing.
I skipped lunch just now.
I see.
-It's totally pointless. -Please eat.
You're trying.
-He's actually making those efforts. -Invisible efforts.
You know…
-Oh, it's Hitori. -Recently…
I have young female managers on set with me.
So whenever I'm changing backstage,
I suck my stomach in.
-So lame! -It's a secret, okay?
He wants to look better, even just a little bit.
No one's looking.
Shogo and Tsukaji, whenever I'm on a quiz show or on a panel
and a female guest is beside me,
I'm sucking it in big time.
I guess everyone does it.
On top of that,
sometimes I bite my cheeks to make them look thinner.
Wouldn't it be obvious?
It doesn't last. It goes back to normal as soon as I start talking.
That's what models do.
-That's a trick models use. -Like this.
For me…
Despite my attitude,
I'm sure you all thought the same during that kiss scene, but…
I'm short.
That's no secret.
So whenever the camera's filming from above,
I go on my tippy toes a bit when I'm next to Nobu.
-That's so surprising. -That's so lame.
You're kidding. I never thought you'd care about that stuff.
-I never knew that. -Just a bit.
He's always wearing thick-soled shoes.
My anus muscles have gotten really weak.
One day, I almost shit my pants at a convenience store near my house.
But I thought, "I should be able to make it home."
But on the way home, I was like, "Oh, shit."
When I got on the elevator, and its momentum pushed upwards,
it all came out of me.
And then…
She's laughing so much.
Once I got into my home,
I went to the bathroom to assess the damage.
It was perfectly on the thin seam
that connects the front and the back of my underwear.
I was so amazed.
That is impressive.
It caught it all, and my pants
weren't dirty at all.
-It didn't leak on the sides. -It didn't.
Speaking of loose,
I was the host of a TV show for idols for a period of time.
I was styled in white slacks,
a red jacket, and a white hat.
Then I farted because my stomach hurt so much.
Something actually came out.
Oh, no!
I was wearing white slacks, so…
Oh, no!
The brown color started oozing out on my backside.
-Oh, no! -This is really bad.
I thought, "This is bad."
We were filming at a sports field.
So I slipped…
and blamed it on the dirt.
-I don't blame you. -That was quick thinking.
That wouldn't have worked, right?
-The smell. -The smell would've been intense.
-On that note… -Oh, there she comes!
No way!
Back when I was an idol,
I farted a lot on stage.
-Hey! -You're an idol!
Are you aiming for the moments when the song gets loud?
I aim for the hook.
Don't fart during the hook!
Because of our job,
when the pin-up models and actresses we work with
-publish photo books or a slideshow DVD, -Right, that happens.
they sometimes give us signed copies backstage, right?
-They do. -Yes.
Coupled with the excitement of receiving it directly like that,
I always jack off to it.
Now that's…
-Now, that's… -This is crazy.
-Now that's a secret. -He's exposing a lot.
You won't be receiving any more of them now.
If I don't get any, then I won't do it.
Getting that is like permission to do it, right?
I mean, that's the intention of those photos, right?
Is it?
-It's not wrong, right? -You're not wrong.
Hey!
Don't you have any secrets that are a little more pleasant?
-She gave a warning. -You're right.
That's right.
-Yeah, there are two ladies, after all. -That's right.
We all do a lot of location shooting…
but the real perk of location shooting is the meals, right?
We get treated to a lot of things.
Whenever I describe the taste of something as "simple,"
it doesn't taste good.
Oh, no!
Is that so?
Don't say that.
Not that it doesn't taste good, it's just that I don't like it.
There's a secret I just discovered the other day.
Everyone knows the incident about Tokyo03,
where Shinsuke snapped at them.
-Yes. A long time ago. -Oh, really?
I was in the same waiting room as them.
And, 03 asked me, "Shouldn't we go greet Shinsuke?"
I said, "No, you don't have to."
So it was your doing.
-It was Tanaka. -So it was you.
It was me. But, believe me,
I had completely forgotten about this.
When I met Iizuka the other day.
When he said, "I think you said something to us in the waiting room, Tanaka,"
then that scene became really vivid…
-It came back to you? -It did.
Tanaka was behind the whole thing.
I feel really bad that it turned into a big incident.
That huge incident was Tanaka's fault?
I also…
have a secret I've never told anyone.
But it's also something I'd like to get everyone's advice on.
What is it?
The other day, Nobu and I were on a location shoot, riding a bike.
Right.
I saw a Japanese inn named "Chidori."
And, Nobu said,
"It's Chidori. That kind of makes me happy."
"I kind of feel impassioned. Right, partner?"
"We should do a comedy routine there." That's what he said.
I…
set him up by saying, "Don't do a location shoot like Kiyoshi."
That's Kiyoshi Nishikawa.
Yes.
When that show aired,
I got a voicemail from Kiyoshi.
"Daigo, I was watching TV
when you said, 'Don't do a location shoot like Kiyoshi.'"
"Thanks for mentioning my name."
"But, Daigo,
what kind of location shoot is 'a location shoot like Kiyoshi'?"
"That's what I called to ask."
As for that voicemail…
So scary!
I've ignored it so far.
-The earlier the better, I think. -Call him!
It's because I don't know how to explain it.
He called me too.
I already explained it to him.
He was wrought with curiosity.
Does everyone remember the show, Challengers of Fire?
Yeah.
-Utchan Nanchan's show. -I remember.
-Challengers of Fire, right. -On that show,
there was a segment where you couldn't go to sleep.
Oh, I remember something like that.
If you didn't sleep for 48 hours,
you'd win one million yen.
Right! There were all kinds of challenges.
I wanted the one million yen no matter what.
To make sure I didn't fall asleep…
I thought about sneaking something in.
But that show's got it together.
Before it started
you had to get naked.
Down to your underwear.
-What were they thinking? -So I…
I took a caffeine tablet…
and shoved it up my asshole.
Like a prisoner!
I snuck it in!
Just like an American prisoner!
Just like someone in prison.
In the end, I still fell asleep even though I took that.
He ended up sleeping!
He dozed off anyway.
That was a serious one.
They divulged all kinds of secrets.
Those were intense secrets.
Right.
I'm sorry.
I was in the wrong.
I'm sure Toshiya will talk about it one day.
No matter what it is.
There's nothing to talk about.
-There he comes. -Toshiya.
You can speculate all you want.
I have no intention of explaining myself to you.
Hey!
-What? -Hey. What's going on?
You're acting rather cold.
Is that because you don't want to be "herd" from the disappointment?
-What did you say? -I don't know, what did I say?
I said, what did you just say?
Cut. Take a pause.
There was nothing cool about that.
You act cold like that
because you're scared to get hurt from disappointment, aren't you?
True happiness
is something you won't get unless you go after it with desperation!
-Hey! -You son of a bitch!
-Stop it!
Hey!
Oh, no! Daigo.
Come on, now!
He's a passionate man.
Jeez, it always ends up like this.
Just as I thought.
We communicate the easiest with this.
So lame!
I don't know what you're worried about, but…
we're only 17.
How is that possible? How many times were you held back?
-Not a single one of them. -He's bald.
They're all in their forties.
This is silly!
What is?
It's just…
The foolishness of boys never seems to change.
I'm kind of relieved.
Come on. You make it sound like we haven't matured at all.
I was worried.
I was worried this school
was going to become like that unruly one in the next district over.
You've all heard about it, right?
It's the school where all the nation's most unruly attend.
-It's like the world's end. -Right.
Oh, that high school?
Oh, there must be a really bad high school.
Then could everyone tell me?
At Private School from Hell, where all the unruly students go,
what's the first school rule?
They have to give witty one-liners for the last segment.
THE FIRST SCHOOL RULE
That was sprung onto them out of nowhere.
-I've never been there. -That was surprising.
-What's everyone going to do? -I've never been there.
-I see. -What was in the student handbook?
-It's over if you go there. -Was something written in that?
-Minegishi, you can do it. -Minegishi.
You can do it.
Daigo, you've got something?
I think…
Okay then, Daigo…
What's the first school rule at Private School from Hell?
"Metal bats will kill, make it wood."
It doesn't say that!
-That's an advice. -Oh, that's what it says.
It doesn't say that!
I think that'd be Article Two, Section One.
Article Two, I see.
-Article Two. -Maybe it's this.
Okay, Shogo.
What's the first school rule at Private School from Hell?
"Don't touch your penis with dirty hands."
Like I said…
There's no way it'll say that.
Okay, Tanaka.
What's the first school rule at Private School from Hell?
"Michopa belongs to everyone."
It doesn't say that!
-That could be cause for concern. -That's true.
That rule is for the TV producers.
Minegishi.
Do you have anything?
-She's trying to set her up. -Oh, my turn?
She's forcing the setup.
What's the first school rule at Private School from Hell?
"The only thing you can suck on are nipples."
That's funny. That's interesting.
She's like an old comic storyteller.
Amazing.
-As in don't smoke cigarettes. -Nipples remind me…
If it's about nipples, there's only one thing it could say.
Oh, Shogo?
"When it comes to inverted nipples, don't ever give up on sucking them."
Enough about the nipples.
Nipples.
Why is he chiming in on the topic of nipples?
-Tanaka. -Yes!
What's the first school rule at Private School from Hell?
"If you stretch out your ballsack, you've got about a door mat's worth."
No, it doesn't!
-Yours too, right? -That's gross!
-How stretchy is it? -Why?
Why would it say something like that at a school for the unruly?
It must be a really troubled high school.
Not at all.
But I've heard rumors that their school has some pretty good teachers.
Okay, the next topic is…
She just outright said, "Topic."
The drama has nothing to do with it anymore. She just outright said, "Topic."
What legendary teacher's quote
made all the students from Private School from Hell cry?
THE LEGENDARY TEACHER'S QUOTE
By a teacher.
A quote?
-By a teacher? -Yes, by a teacher.
Why do you think we'd know any?
Word must have spread to us.
Like the quote from Mr. Kinpachi in Class 3B for example,
"Students aren't bad oranges."
-Tanaka. -Yes.
What legendary quote made all the students from Private School from Hell cry?
"Although EXILE members dress unruly,
they're normal people."
-That sure made them cry. -They must have cried from relief.
That made them cry?
Even now…
Maybe it was this?
-Okay, Daigo. -Daigo.
What legendary quote made all the students cry?
"You lot."
"Adults will say to children like you,
'You've got it good now,
becoming an adult means gaining responsibilities.'
'There are lots of tough things to deal with.'"
Right.
"But I'm an adult, so I know."
"No matter what happens,
mixing rice with the crab meat inside the shell is delicious!"
-It is delicious. -In terms of food, yeah.
It is delicious, but I doubt anyone said that.
Do you have something to say, Tanaka?
-Yes. -Okay, Tanaka.
Okay… "Like Sarina Suzuki,
being able to work without shedding that unruly factor is rare."
It is rare.
-It is rare. -It's rather…
It is rare.
-There's very little. -Yeah.
-She hasn't changed since her debut. -That's true. She hasn't changed anything.
Okay, Shogo.
What legendary quote made all the students cry?
"Everyone, even after you graduate,
I want you to broaden your horizon."
"The ass is an exit."
"But depending on how you use it, it could be an entrance."
No more! No more of that.
-"Congratulations on your graduation." -Please stop talking about that.
Right?
Don't make it an entrance.
-Depending on the person. -Yeah.
In other words, don't be bigoted.
"Don't be bigoted," is beating around the bush.
Minegishi.
-Do you have anything? -She's trying to set her up again.
-She's not a comedian. -Stop trying to set Minegishi up.
What legendary quote made all the students cry?
"It's okay, everyone. Morning will come."
"Wounds will heal. Your hair will grow."
That was based on herself.
-That hits deep. -That hits deep.
-That was impressive. -More than anyone…
That sure made them cry.
Her hair did grow, didn't it?
-She's happy now. -Her wounds have healed.
That made them cry.
Daigo.
What legendary quote made all the students cry?
"You all still have baby faces."
Had.
"But this will happen to all of you one day."
"Without a doubt, one day,
a time will come when you can't believe
how hard your dick is."
"When that time comes…"
"When your turtlehead is stuffed to the gills,
that very head will reflect your face ever so faintly."
"And that's your real face."
How shiny is it?
-It won't reflect anything. -That much?
It'll only reflect once or twice in your entire lifetime.
That hits deep.
-Which part? -"Hits deep"?
-Which part? -Hikaru.
When it's stuffed to the gills?
The real face?
It's not supposed to hit deep.
Yeah.
-That was a lot. -It was.
-I wasn't expecting the witty one-liners. -Right!
-Even Minegishi was trying hard. -Yes. It was very impressive.
-It was cool. -It was.
WHO WILL MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE SHOW?
This is what the springtime of life feels like.
Which part?
We've only got so much time left
and I want to spend it all with you guys.
Yeah.
This is where you all were?
Why do you look so flushed?
Actually…
I have some unfortunate news.
Oh, right.
Minegishi.
What?
Your parents…
were in an accident and transferred to a nearby hospital.
-Oh, no. She's being eliminated. -What did you say?
ELIMINATED MINAMI MINEGISHI
-This is how it's happening? -Let's go.
Wait. I need to collect my thoughts.
I can barely move after hearing that.
-We need to get there as soon as possible. -Sorry.
It's your parents!
I'm sorry, Minegishi.
I'll go with you.
Honestly, I was at my limit anyway. Thank you!
-She spoke the truth. -I think I'll go with her.
-I'm worried about her. -It's not your turn yet.
It's okay. She's in good hands with the teacher.
Everyone's wanting to be eliminated.
They want to go home.
It's too taxing.
Her family's poor.
In the worst-case scenario,
she'll have to quit school and start working.
-Right. -You've got to be kidding.
-That's rough. -We just promised
we'd stick together until graduation.
Isn't that right?
It's just a bunch of veterans left.
-Saiki! -Toshiya?
Why?
Why does it have to be like this?
What is it? An accident?
What's happening?
Minegishi!
She's dead!
Just as suspected, she's dead.
What an awful story.
What? Is that the stolen art piece?
It's the art piece that was stolen!
It's Mamiya. What's going on?
If I don't go after it myself,
it'll never be mine.
What's going on? I'm so curious.
Toshiya.
She saw him.
-Will you tell me why? -These two are the real deal.
I'm so curious. What is it?
What? Daigo's involved in this too?
All according to plan.
I'd say.
What's with this guy? He's so annoying!
So lame! He's just strumming away!
What is this?
His strumming looks so lame!
What? Daigo's involved in something too?
-Morning! -Morning.
What the hell? What's going on?
What now?
They're causing a riot at school.
What is this?
What happened?
Move out of the way!
I won't be satisfied until I kill these guys!
What is going on?
Why are you hitting the teachers?
If you defend them, you're going to get it too!
That's so scary. I'm so curious.
I'm so curious.
Good work, everyone!
-Good work. -Good work!
-That concludes episode two. -Yeah.
So amazing, once again.
-Minami. -Yes?
That was such a shame. Sorry.
I really want to say I wanted to remain,
but I was really at my limit.
-Thank you very much. -So impressive.
-Thank you very much. -You were really amazing.
It was great. What really blew up on our end was,
"The only thing you can suck on are nipples."
Thank you very much.
-So good. -It was hilarious.
But there were a number of speed bumps.
I quit being an idol, and I feel like I was able to peel back a layer with this.
-Thank you very much. -You were hilarious.
Very funny.
"I was able to peel back a layer," seems like a dirty joke.
It's not!
It sounded wrong to me even as I said it.
There's been a lot of those today.
I wasn't expecting the witty one-liners.
With those witty one-liners, it's a bit easier when the host is tough on you.
Like, "What the hell do you have?"
Like you're being tried?
Not like Takahashi when she says, "Do you have anything?"
"Are you okay?"
"Can you do it?"
That makes me want to cry if my joke bombs.
Because of the kindness.
-Because of the kindness. -That's true.
Subtitle translation by: Rachel Hillcoat