Oh, this is good.
- Can I borrow this? - Hmm?
All my makeup is very subtle.
Oh, wow. That was subtle.
Oh, you know what I mean, darling. I'll be on stage.
More is more in the theatre.
Oldest profession in the world.
- Oh! No, no, that's the other one. - Lee.
- Hmm? - What are you doing?
Well, I've always wondered about these things.
Stop that.
Sorry, I should've put it away.
Um, what are you on stage for?
I thought this was just a fundraiser.
It is. But this is a special one.
Anyway, we'd better get going. We've got so much to do.
- Can we say goodbye to Gordon? - No, I think he's, um...
He's in a meeting.
How's he doing?
I feel like he's still a bit mad with me.
- Why? - I told you! Mum.
I called his dad a fuckwit and then he died.
Well, that's your father's mouth, not mine.
- Helpful. - Oh.
Lee, no! Sit down!
Still hasn't cried?
No.
- Even during the cremation? - No, he hasn't.
Was such a beautiful service.
His family's a little plump though.
You weren't there, Mum.
Oh, I got Gordon to send me the Zoom link.
Why did you do that?
You know, I was surprised that they played "True Blue" at the funeral.
When Daddy passed, we played "Amigos Para Siempre".
- Not a dry eye in the house. - Okay.
God, I was a mess.
Wore a black veil for a year.
No, you didn't.
You were too young to remember, darling.
I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about Gordon's grief, Mum.
I'm just saying I understand it, darling. I'll talk to him.
No, don't he's... he'll be fine. Although...
I think he is redirecting the grief. He's...
- He's become very doggy. - Really?
No, I mean...
I mean, he's focusing a lot on Colin.
Oh.
Anyway, I'll see if he's off his meeting.
I think it's time for a timeout. Ten minutes.
- Yep.
Look at that little cutie!
- Who's such a sweetie?
Thank you, he's, um... I think people love Border Terriers.
- They're having a real moment lately. - Hmm.
Um, Siobhan, this is Ashley. This is Colin's mum.
- Hi. Hi. - Oh, hello.
Your little boy is absolutely gorgeous.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, darling, his wheels!
- Honestly, do you have TikTok? - We should get it.
- No. Uh, no, I don't have it. - We should get it.
Get it. Crippled dogs, deaf cats, blind turtles, whatever,
- people cannot get enough of them.
Um, Siobhan is with the animal talent agency.
Take A Bow Wow Pets.
Yeah, I told you last week, they took on Collie.
- We've already got huge interest. - We've got two castings today.
Two!
- Wow! - Yeah.
Absolutely unheard of. Now, while I have you both here,
why don't I run you through our portfolio packages
- and how our online portal works? - Great.
You're going to pull up a, uh... bring that over?
No, no, no.
Uh, Mum and Lee just want to say bye.
Oh, no, no, no. No, I'm doing this.
That's okay. If you have to go, Aly.
Ashley. Okay.
Thank... thank you, Siobhan. Thanks so much.
- I have another client. - Yeah.
- With a three-legged dog. - Really?
Yeah. Absolutely cleaning up.
- Really?
- Just booked a KFC campaign.
- Yum! Whatcha cooking?
Uh, nothing for us, but I got a whole new diet for little Collywood.
Are you serious?
Oh, yeah, we can't feed him canned food anymore.
- Why not? - Because apparently, canned pet food
reduces your pet's lifespan by some crazy percentage.
- Siobhan was telling me all about it. - Oh.
I actually think this animal agency thing is gonna be great.
Don't you reckon?
I sort of thought you were joking when we talked about it.
Uh, I mean, I sort of was initially, but I feel like he is great at it.
Like, he's got a real aptitude.
Like, have you seen him on camera? He looks amazing.
Gordy, are you okay?
Yeah, why?
Yeah, I just worry that you're not...
you know, processing your dad's passing and everything.
Sorry, how's this got anything to do with my dad?
Well, you know making Collie food to live longer.
Yeah, I want my dog to live as long as possible.
- Don't you? - Of course. It's just that he...
- You haven't cried. - And canned food is very expensive.
- Okay. - And PS, my dad didn't pass.
He died. That's just... that's just what happens.
Come here, boy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay.
- How's your mum going? - Uh, she's fine.
Oh, good.
Have you called her?
Yeah, Ash, and she's fine.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. - Sorry, what are you doing?
Oh, this is, uh, this is to strengthen his claws.
Are you giving the dog a pedicure?
Well, it's his, uh, it's his front paw.
- So technically it's a manicure. - Right?
It's jojoba.
Okay? It's the best thing.
Siobhan recommended it. She gave me a discount.
What do you want me to do? Not do it?
- Are you mad at me? - Oh, shit.
I've got... Oh, shit. I've gotta get his anal glands expressed.
- Really? - Yes, really.
If we don't get him expressed,
he could be his very first audition
and then get all stressed out and spray bum gunk
- all over the casting director's feet.
- Right.
Like, Siobhan told me that has happened in the past.
That's like the number one thing, and once you do that,
like, they're just not gonna bring him in again.
Like, no one's gonna book him.
So, there's two castings. There's one at 12:00, right?
That's for an indie film and that's fine. That's... that's good.
But the one this afternoon is for an insurance commercial.
If he books that, that could be massive for us.
So, what's with the pram?
That's just for his, uh, save his claws. Save his paws.
Keep him energized. Keep him relaxed for the castings.
Right, so that was done without any sense of irony whatsoever.
- Sorry I'm late. - Good to know.
- Trouble with the bilge pump. - Hey, what's... what's going on, man?
- What's going on with the deck shoes? - Hey?
- Oh, so I don't slip on deck. - Brett lives on a boat now.
What? When did this happen?
Oh, you were still dealing with your dad's passing so...
Oh, come on, Bretty, mate, you could've told me.
- Ah, it's all good. - Is it though?
Yeah. Anyways, you know Justin of the Peace, my lawyer?
No, no, he's not still your lawyer?
You're right. He's more like a friend now.
But yeah, his dad owns a houseboat in Iron Cove.
- It's pretty cool. - Is it?
It's like a house and a boat and it's on the water.
Okay, good chat.
- Yep, um, Gordy... - Collie.
- Yeah.
- Uh, we know that you're still grieving
- about your dad. - I'm not grieving about my dad.
- Could people stop saying this? - Okay, fine.
Well, we really need to focus less on dress-ups with the dog
and more on our failing business.
I think failing is a bit much, mate.
Are you drunk?
Bingewell's closing in. We lost our taps on another pub.
- Yeah. - We are so far behind on payments.
We are failing.
And unless we... unless we figure out what to do right now,
we're gonna have to sell.
Chi, what do you think I'm doing here?
Colin is a potential goldmine, okay?
We stand to make a lot of cash from him.
So let me get this straight.
Your... your... your big plan to save our failing business
is to make your dog a star. Is that right?
In the short term, yeah.
That's a whack plan on every level.
- It's not whack. - It's really whack.
- It's not whack. - It's nick-nack paddy-whack!
- Wiggity-wiggity whack. - It's whack.
- Right-o, Tommy Bahama.
This is his agent. Shut up.
Siobhan, hey.
Yeah, all good. All good.
Yep, got the pram. He loves it.
Very relaxed.
- Oh.
Dawn, Katie, hi.
Hi. What, did you think it was just gonna be Dawn?
Oh no, I mean I invited Dawn, but no, I'm really glad you're here, too.
- Yeah. - Hello, love.
- Hi. - I've, um, ordered some bubbles.
Oh, okay.
Got a bit of a girl's lunch, you know.
- Yeah.
So, how you going, Dawn?
Oh, good.
When the property sells, we're thinking of going on a cruise.
Tahitian Treasures. 17 nights.
- Oh, must be hard though.
Selling the property.
Oh no, it's not too bad.
And how are you going?
Oh, yeah. Good, thanks.
I'm a... I'm a bit worried about Gordon actually.
I don't know if he's processing it.
What does that mean?
Well, cried. He hasn't cried.
- Oh. - Has Heavy cried?
Uh, no. No, the only time he cried
was when we had our daughter.
Oh, that's sweet.
No, he wasn't happy.
Oh.
That's men, dear.
Oh. But how... how are you?
Like, how are you going?
- Well, um...
Oh, look, I know it sounds terrible, but...
it's like a weight has been lifted.
And look at her skin, it's totally cleared up.
I had rosacea for 48 years.
- Hmm. - Since he died, it's gone.
- Two weeks. - Look at you now. You're gorgeous.
- So... so what do you...
What do you put that down to?
Brian. He was an asshole.
He was a bit of an asshole.
Huh. Right?
Yeah, well, he... he did seem like a bit of a fuckwit.
I didn't say fuckwit.
Oh, I'm sorry. Uh...
Sorry, I thought that asshole and fuckwit might have been the same?
The same? Oh, no. No, no, they're not.
- He was definitely a dickhead though. - Absolutely.
- And an asshole. - Yes.
But not a fuckwit?
- That's right. - It's a scale, isn't there?
It's like dickhead. Asshole. Fuckwit. Cunt.
Well, he could be a cunt on occasion.
- But not a fuckwit? - No.
- Come on, cheers. - Cheers.
So great. What a little battler she is.
- Yep. She doesn't know how to give up.
But she's a cat so she doesn't listen to anything I say.
I'm joking. Of course.
- She does follow commands.
She's fantastic. So, Gina, if you and Doja Cat could just take a seat,
shouldn't take too long,
and the director loved Colin's audition.
- Great. - So if you can wait
- a bit longer, that'd be okay? - Yeah.
- Good girl.
- Good boy.
It's a cute bandana.
It's thyroid cancer.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I... I didn't... I didn't know cats got that.
Stage four, so...
- Not long to go now. - Oh.
She lost all her fur with the chemo.
Oh.
Oh, I thought it was just a hairless cat breed.
No, it was the chemo.
- Oh. - Yeah, but being in a movie
is one of the last things on her bucket list so...
Didn't know cats knew about movies.
And her GoFundMe has gone viral.
Yeah, she's a real star.
- Yeah. - Oh.
- Gordon and Colin. - Yes.
Thanks for hanging around, but you can go now.
- Oh. And... and them as well. - Uh, no.
Right, so we're waiting for a call or...?
Uh, no.
So they got the job.
Yes, that's right.
- Fantastic. Good girl, Doja Cat. Yes. - Are you joking?
- No. - Oh... What...
Was there anything we could have done better, or...?
Oh, no, Colin was great.
Uh, it's just that the client feels that Doja Cat's look
really works for the piece.
That look? Have you looked at that?
I mean, I was just... I'm sure the cancer story doesn't hurt either.
It'll certainly help with the chemo costs.
I thought he already had the chemo and that's why the hair fell out.
We might have another round. We're just waiting to see, so...
Anyway, uh, Gina and Doja Cat, if you want to come back in?
Hey, Ash.
I'm at the bar.
Surprise.
Hi.
What was that? You did like a big...
horse blow. Yeah. Sorry.
I was... That wasn't you that was...
Uh, why did you do... why'd you do this?
I was just being cute and I brought in some food for you.
Why?
Because we had leftovers at lunch
and your mum gave me some stuff to give you from the house.
You had lunch with my mum.
Yes.
I was worried about her.
Gordon, what's... what's wrong?
Well, now I look bad because I didn't have lunch with her.
Could you just... Thank you, appreciate it.
Could you just stay out of my shit?
- "Stay out of your shit"? - Yes.
Gordon, I'm your girlfriend and I'm actually trying to support you.
Are you? Or are you just trying to insert yourself into everything
because you feel terrible that you called my dad a fuckwit
minutes before he died?
I know, and I can't take that back.
You know?
I'm sorry. If I could change one thing, it would be that, but I can't.
I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so, sorry.
Ash, it's okay. All right?
He was a fuckwit and I love him.
Both those things can be true, all right?
But you're absolved.
So just leave me alone.
Stop checking in on me and checking in on Mum
and waiting for us all to fucking cry.
Oh, fuck's sake, you are impossible.
Do you know that?
It's like trying to hug a bonfire.
Then don't. Don't hug a bonfire.
- Fine. - Stupid thing to do.
Yeah, it is. Fine.
Fine.
So, you're not... you're really not coming
to Mum and Lee's thing today?
I can't. I told you I have castings.
Right. So, I'll just tell Mum that you're not coming to that thing
that she spent ages organizing because you're trying
to get Colin a job on TV.
Yes. That's what's actually happening. So yes.
Great.
Okay, that's the news. You want the weather?
Ash, we're the youngest people here by, like, a lot.
Yeah, I don't know what this is, but I'm scared.
Well, I'm excited.
- We know, Dad. - Hello, girls!
- Robin, how's the new hip? - Oh.
- Not bad. - Fantastic.
- Oh. - Bernie, how fantastic.
I didn't know you were coming.
Oh, well, I never say no to a spare ticket.
Oh, I'm... I'm all nervous now.
- Hey, Rachel.
- Hello. - And you're performing something.
- Gee, you're a dark horse. - Oh, well, we'll see.
Hey, Margie.
- What is this, Lynelle?
Oh, well, you'll see. You'll see.
Lee's the real star though.
Is he?
Anyway, I should get backstage. I'm leading a vocal warm-up.
- Throat chakra. - Break a leg.
- Oh, thank you.
- We're at capacity!
There we go.
- Chookas. - Hey, yes, you too.
- Come on, let's go.
- I know, hey?
And so...
- Come on. - All right. Thank you so much, Gina.
He's great.
Oh, yeah. He's a good boy.
He's... he's been through a lot.
He sure has. Incredible story.
Oh, he's the incredible one.
If you don't mind waiting here, we might be getting you guys back in.
Oh, okay.
Come on. Let's go.
Lie down.
- Hello again. - Hello.
Your pets aren't having much luck.
Was he born with three legs or... what's that?
No, I rescued him.
Oh, right.
From a crocodile.
- Hmm? - Yeah, I was, um,
holidaying in Townsville
and there was this commotion on the beach
and I looked over and there was an adolescent salty
trying to drag this little guy into the water.
- Really? - So I ran over
completely nude...
and I grabbed him out of the salty's mouth.
- You fought off a crocodile. - Yep.
- Why were you nude? - Nude beach.
- Nude dog beach? - Yep.
- Right. So everyone was nude. - Yep.
Mm-hmm. It's quite a story.
Queensland.
Hey, guys, uh, we'd like to see Colin and Bark together.
- Bring it on. - Fine with me.
Yeah, let's go. Come on, boy.
- Come on. Yeah, good boy. - Come on.
Do you say his name was Bark?
Bark Ruffalo.
- That's quite good, actually.
- I'm nervous.
- Hello, everybody!
Welcome to the inaugural fundraiser
- for Women Against Women Against Men!
Oh!
When I say WA, you say WAM.
- WA! - WAM!
- Yes!
Yes.
Lee and I started this organization in response to growing concerns
that we have about how men are being treated these days,
and to stand up for equality, true equality,
not just for women but for men too.
- No.
- Okay, well let's get on with the show.
Our first act is an original song
sung by the effervescent Helen Yawn!
♪Don't say this, don't say that ♪
♪I'm offended, I'm offended ♪
♪Please don't say That my dress looks nice ♪
♪I'm triggered, I'm triggered ♪
♪Don't smile at me It makes me feel unsafe ♪
♪I'm a victim, I'm a victim ♪
So in the ad, the voice-over goes,
"Pet insurance? Who needs that."
Then they bark together.
Oh! Do we need to bark? No one said.
Doesn't he bark?
Yeah, he barks, but just, no one told me, that's all.
- It's not a problem for us. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, maybe Bark's bark will set Colin off.
- Let's just... let's just try one. - Yeah.
- Let's do it.
Great.
And pet insurance who needs that?
- Go.
Colin, bark. Colin. Colin. Colin.
Colin. Colin. Colin. Colin.
- Colin. Colin.
What if we... If... if we just got him to open his mouth
and then you put a bark sound in later.
- Can you get him to open his mouth? - Yeah, totally.
- Colin.
Um, Colin?
Oh, yeah... No... Your nommies? Nommies?
Who's nomm... Who wants nom-noms? Who wants nom-noms?
You want nom-noms? Do you want nom-noms?
Ooh! You want nom-noms? Do you want nom-noms?
Just go...
- Colin, look here.
That's okay, Gordon. That's... that's okay.
Um...
Gina, can... can Bark drop on cue?
Absolutely.
- Be sad.
Great. Great. Great.
Uh, Gordon, maybe Colin can cock his head on cue maybe.
Yes, he can do that.
Okay, Colin, Colin, Colin, Colin.
Look at me. Look. Where's Piggy?
Where's Piggy? Where's Piggy? Where's... where's your Piggy?
Where's Piggy? Where's Piggy? Where's your Piggy? Where's your Piggy?
Where's your Piggy?
Where's Piggy? Where's Piggy?
Sorry, we have a Piggy toy... I mean he...
I should have brought... No one told me, like...
I just never got the information about this.
- My bad. Totally. Um...
Does he do any other tricks?
Um, I mean, we got... If I had Piggy... No.
Can... can he do anything on command?
Yeah, yes, wa... We can do walk.
Yep. Colin, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
Should we go for a walk? Do you wanna walk?
I... Do you wanna walk? Walk, walk, walk.
Do you wanna go for a walk?
- Hello. - You're toxic.
Who is this?
Here's the coffee you wanted, Mr Winterbottom.
Thank you.
It's... it's boiling.
It's boiling.
Toxic. Toxic. Toxic. Toxic.
Please! I just wanna provide for my family!
Toxic. Toxic. Toxic!
I don't know how to be a man any more.
Okay, Gordon, if I could just get you and Colin
- to take a seat outside for a sec? - Are you serious?
You're not casting him.
- At this stage... - Hang on, mate.
How can you look at him, just look at him,
and tell me he's not getting the job?
Look at him. Are you looking at him?
Through that, look at him, and tell me that he's not getting this job.
You can't book every job.
Yeah, mate, but come on, you're not seriously casting
- that fucking tripod over him, are you?
I mean, it was because she told you the crocodile story.
- No, it's got nothing... - 'Cause we've all got
sad stories, mate, all right?
Colin got hit by a car and I was driving it.
He got hit by a car that I was driving. There's your story.
Plus, my dad died two weeks ago. My dad fucking died
and we never told each other that we love each other. There you go.
- Two sad stories, all right? - Gordon, it's got nothing...
And they're true, okay?
Because her story about the crocodile is obviously a fucking lie.
Oh, you... you think I'm lying?
Oh, Blind Freddy can see that you're lying, all right?
You 1000% severed that leg yourself.
- I'm reporting you to the RSPCA. - Mm-hmm.
Gordon, Gordon, Gordon, brother, your dog doesn't do anything.
- He just sits there. - Yeah.
The only half-interesting thing about him is his wheels.
All right? I'm sorry. Your dog's not special.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry, your dad died.
What has that got to do with this?
I don't know, bro, you brought it up.
- See, he does do it.
Were you rolling on that?
♪I identify as whipped ♪
♪I identify as cuck ♪
♪I identify as simp ♪
♪I identify as fucked! ♪
Thank you.
- Oh, wow.
Wow.
That was powerful, I'm sure you'll all agree.
Okay, moving on.
Our next act, ladies and gentlemen, is someone very dear to me
for obvious reasons.
She puts the poke in cowpoke.
She won't be saddled. She prefers bareback.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lynelle Steinhart.
When it comes to the battle of the sexes,
I surrender.
♪A woman without a man Is just wo, wo, wo ♪
♪A man without his girl Is just no, no, no ♪
Wow.
♪A woman's work is never done ♪
- I've got it. - What, the ad?
No, no, fuck that. I've got a better idea.
- Dog beer. - What?
Think about this, right? Colin's face, okay? We put it on a can, right?
Adorable, okay? It's beer for your dog.
It's just chicken stock, whatever. It doesn't matter.
But we market it like, um,
"Hey, how can he be man's best friend if you can't share a beer with him".
- Needs work. - Yeah, well, whatever.
We can work on the copy. But basically, that's it.
It's dog beer, all right? People love beer, people love dogs.
It's gonna fucking kick off.
- Dog beer. - Yes.
- Think about it. - I have.
- And? - Jared Bingewell's offered me
a full-time position, and I'm gonna take it.
Unless you want to sell, which you don't,
so this is my two weeks' notice.
What?
Also, it's Brett's last day, so you gotta sign the card.
It's on the desk.
- What? - Gordon, I'm a single mum.
I haven't been paid for two months from this business.
We're 100,000 dollars in overdraft.
- And I know you're gambling again.
It's over.
You're leaving?
Are we doing this now?
I'm broke, man, and I can get a job at the boatyard.
So, that's all good.
Fuckin'... Brett, why didn't you just come to me and tell me?
Look, we tried, but we didn't want to worry you
- with your dad and everything. - Oh, fucking hell.
Could everyone stop talking about my dead dad?
Gordon, we're your friends. We love you, okay?
And we know you pretty well. It's okay if you're sad.
Okay, here's the fuckin' truth about my dad. All right?
Here it is.
He didn't give a fuck about me or my life or my work.
I mean, he never came here. He never came here. Not once.
He called my beer "fairy juice". He didn't give a fuck.
He thought this was a waste of time and energy.
And you know what? He was probably right.
Because I have given this everything for... for years,
and I still can't get into the black.
So, you know what? Yeah, take the note.
Why fight it? Everything ends.
Everything ends.
So, yeah, let's sell it.
Let's sell it. Let's sell the brewery to that pin-dick
fucking sex-pest Jared Bingewell, okay?
And then you can stay. All right, okay?
And yeah, we'll all be employees of a faceless Japanese Goliath,
but at least you can stay.
Yeah, can we do that?
- Can we do that? Yep? - Yep. Yep.
- Yeah.
- Thank you. Sold. Done. We'll do that.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the final act
is a man very close to my heart.
He's recently been through a shocking unlawful dismissal,
and I know Coach Tim knows all about that.
And he's not the only one.
- Yes. Here. Here. - Roger, you too.
Wayne, you too. Goodness.
But he still hasn't lost his spirit.
Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Lee Smellig!
The song is about a dying breed of Australian male.
♪Hey, True Blue ♪
♪Don't say you've gone ♪
♪Say you've knocked off for a smoko ♪
♪And you'll be back later on ♪
♪Hey, True Blue ♪
♪Give it to me straight ♪
♪Face to face ♪
♪Are you really disappearing? ♪
♪Just another dying race? ♪
♪Hey, True Blue ♪
♪True Blue ♪
♪Is it me and you? ♪
♪Is it Mum and Dad ♪
♪Is it a cockatoo? ♪
♪Is it standing by your mate ♪
♪When he's in a fight? ♪
♪Or just Vegemite? ♪
♪True Blue ♪
♪I'm asking you ♪
♪Hey, True Blue ♪
♪Can you bear the load? ♪
♪Will you tie it up with wire ♪
♪Just to keep the show on the road? ♪
♪Hey, True Blue ♪
♪Now, be fair dinkum ♪
♪True Blue ♪