HE SIGHS
Wow. I only have one or two million questions.
This is Josh, package guy?
It's not complicated.
We met randomly and I didn't mean for us to end up in bed.
This is absolutely hilarious.
It only happened because me and Zack weren't sleeping together, but...
..I saw Josh last night.
We went for a drink and...
..it was...it was really nice.
Yeah. But meanwhile, you and Zack have been back in the saddle.
Just once. And it really helped.
Like I mean, it made me feel that we had a...a future together again.
Now I have to make a choice.
Why do you feel like you have to make a choice?
Why can't you have both? Are you joking?!
I'm married. Fine, have it your way.
Stay with your boring husband and dump the new guy.
Good chat.
Sorry. I couldn't sleep, so I went out to stretch my...
Hi.
Look who came by.
Really sorry to disrupt your Saturday.
Erm, Josh, do you want to explain why we're here?
Right. Yeah.
My, erm, family are coming round for lunch, Grandad's birthday,
and, er, I was just going to do a pasta bake, but...
Too slow. He decided to do a roast but the beef,
the main bit, it wouldn't fit in our oven,
so Zack said we could use yours, is that OK?
Er, yeah, no, yeah, of course.
We weren't doing anything, were we?
No, no. It's just a lazy day.
Well, I still think it would've been better
to ask Mrs Donnelly downstairs. Mrs Donnelly's only got a microwave.
It's why it smells like that all the time, it's the microwaved cat food.
Do you need to microwave cat food? I don't think you need to.
But I bet she does. So, what are we looking at here?
Uh, well, it's...it's a rib. What are you thinking spice-wise?
Ooh, er, like...
..salt and pepper? No, no, no, no, no, no.
We can do much better than that.
Follow me downstairs.
Some, people find it, you know, nerve-racking
being led into their neighbour's basement.
In case of, you know, murder.
Oh, I wouldn't do it here.
OK.
Ah. Here we are. The spice box.
Oh, yeah. The old spice box.
Looks like we have a few options.
Wow.
You have got options.
Don't let me keep you, if you have to cook or something.
Oh, no, you're all right. OK.
I'd kill for a beer, though.
There's no way I'm going to get through one
of Josh's family parties sober. OK.
Ooh, nothing's cold, I'm afraid. Oh, I don't care.
Still alcoholic when it's warm, innit?
It's true.
Erm...
Cou-...could I ask you a question?
And please totally tell me if I'm being a nosy bitch.
Ah! OK. Thanks.
When Zack proposed...
He did, he did propose to you, right? He did, yeah.
Did you have to think about it?
What do you mean? Were you like, "Oh, yes", straight away,
or did you have to take time to decide?
Er...
Well, there was part of my brain that went,
"Mm, I've known this man for six months,
"I don't even know his middle name", erm...
But, er, that thought lasted two seconds,
and then all I could really think was,
I really want to marry him.
Aw. He's a really good man.
You and Josh never...?
Ah, you two are still alive?
We have been having fun.
Ah, yep. It turns out rapeseed oil is just a fancy name
for vegetable oil. Who knew?
What are you doing about the potatoes?
Er...
..cook them?
I tell you what. Why don't I give you a hand with those?
Esther, you don't mind letting me in? No, course not.
OK.
Give you a chance to get to know each other.
Erm, thanks for the beer. Ah, no worries. Thank you.
Well, thanks so much for this.
If you ever want to borrow, like, some Ikea plates
or a broken corkscrew, you just say the word.
Oh. Hey. Ahhh.
Ah, you look a little different somehow, Josh.
It's about time that you upgraded from my brother, Esther.
You guys remember Zack, don't you? Of course. Aloha.
So where is my brother? Oh, he's in our kitchen.
We have a bigger oven. OK.
Mm. Mm... Mmm.
Urgh! Why can't you be worse at kissing, Josh?
You're really making my life quite fucking difficult.
All right, I'm sorry. We're terrible people. We're going to hell.
It doesn't even feel like this is happening to me.
Like, I feel like I'm some absolute piece of shit in some French film.
That I haven't even seen! OK, all right.
We need a system or something.
If we're going to do this, we have to be smart,
and we have to be considerate to Zack and Esther.
Considerate? I know but come on.
DOOR OPENS
Potatoes...are go.
Also, Esther wanted me to tell you that your sister's arrived.
Oh, great. Well. Ah, really appreciate this, mate.
Erm, drinks on me at some point.
Yep. Bye.
SINGSONG: Ooh, I am a twat.
A massive, fucking twat.
Alone at last.
I am going to go and shower quickly.
DOOR CLOSES
SHOWER RUNS
HE EXHALES
SHOWER CONTINUES RUNNING
# Darling, you know how I feel
# Everything's too much Everything's too real
# Lord, just know it's hard to be alone
# Talking to myself and I in my empty home
# I'll show you how, how
# Nothing's going to keep me down, yeah. #