Happy first day, Santa.
Mom would be so proud of you.
I brought you something called "brewed jelly bean juice."
Thank you, sweetie. Ooh. [sniffs] Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
That's very good.
You know I'm gonna need it.
After the whole EverythingNow! delivery debacle,
I just can't afford to mess this up.
- You won't, Dad. - Well, this is it.
This is the day that I put on the coat and gain all that weight
and become Santa to all those elves.
I need to let them know that everything's under control.
That nothing will escape me.
Where's the Santa coat?
Where's the coat?
Maybe it's in the drawer.
Okay! That's good. We'll, uh, we'll ransack the place
and then, uh, throw everything around and make it look like a robbery.
- Hold on. Hold on. - Oh.
Whoa. Oh.
Lucas, I knew you were gonna like that.
He's got those pj's with the Buzz Lightyear on 'em
that I thought was so-- They're c-cute.
What did she--
- Yeah, 'cause, you know... - Oh.
- Oh, hey there. Hi. - No problem.
- Good morning. - Look at that.
-"Funnuchinos." That's clever. - Ooh. Yeah.
You know, I'll have a "funnuchino." A double one.
And put some chocolate in there. Mostly chocolate.
No coffee. Just hot chocolate. Uh...
Put cocoa in it instead of coffee. Heavy cream if you got that.
Ooh, put a little peppermint in there if you have that.
Any kind of hard candy, throw it in there. And then whipped cream. Uh...
Chop up some cookies if you have them. Any one of these and, um, sprinkles.
Coffee. Uh, black, please.
- A name for the order? - Santa.
Sir, my job is hard enough.
This is gonna be a bigger adjustment than I thought.
Yeah.
- Ho ho ho. - Oh.
Hey, hey!
Look at this room full of little rock stars.
Hmm. Little? [scoffs] Wow.
Oh.
You know what, my apologies, that was-- that was very rude.
Let's rock and roll!
Yay!
Now look, I might be the new Santa, okay, but I am entering your world,
and my hope is that we can fly this plane together,
or... [chuckles] ...should I say "sleigh?"
Sleigh!
The corporate synergy here, by the way, is fire!
I can feel the heat!
My only goal here is to amplify the brilliant, brilliant work
that you're already doing.
- We're all quarterbacks on this field. - Touchdown!
Together, we're gonna work hard, and we're gonna play hard.
Yay! They're both the same!
I know it's still nine months away, but he is not invited to my birthday.
New Santa, can I have a hug?
Uh, that sounds like a trap, so I'm gonna say no.
Weird. Okay.
What time will you be tucking us in at night?
Are there any less uncomfortable questions?
Why aren't you wearing the coat?
Yeah, where's the coat?
We eliminated casual Friday, like, 300 years ago.
Thank you for the great questions. Back to work, everybody!
Yay!
Sir, you really do have to wear the coat. It's protocol.
Sure. So, uh, Betty, this is really not a big deal at all,
but, um, I may have sort of, uh, misplaced the coat.
You what?
Stay calm, Betty. You've been through so much worse.
Never had a mother. Never had a father.
Can't we just replace it?
It was made from the robe of Saint Nicholas
and passed down from Santa to Santa ever since.
So, no.
Do you wanna go build a snow fort?
He doesn't have time.
We're already behind schedule, and it's only 300 days till Christmas.
- Oh. You're serious? - Why does everyone always ask me that?
My turn. My turn.
So, if I collected six and a half orange tokens,
I get to advance down your mine shaft and steal all your sheep?
- No clue. - Look at this.
Being Santa, I never got to spend this kind of time with you guys.
- I love it. Really, this is great. - Me too.
- I like it too. - Yeah.
So, I hate to be the bummer, but the kids need to start school.
Yes!
- No. Don't vomit, don't vomit-- - Sandra, you're not gonna vomit.
But we are gonna have to come up with that backstory,
'cause it's gonna be too many questions.
- So, we're down to a shrimp boat family. - I had a-- Mm-hmm.
We were shrimping someplace way off the coast.
- Newfoundland, or something like that. - Right.
The other one was the Buddhist thing.
It was a little complex, but gives us a reason to be away.
- Sure. - I don't know about lost on an island.
Just begs more questions. Trust me.
- I think-- - We'll go with the shrimp--
No, I think we have to go with the Alaskan bush pilot.
- That's what I told everyone at work-- - I like it.
I'm an Alaskan bush pilot. We already talked about it.
- It's a great idea. - Yeah. I'm-- I'm the bush pilot.
And you know, here's the thing.
I didn't want everyone at work to think that I left this great job
to be the nameless, faceless woman behind a larger-than-life man.
Hmm. 'Cause it's not true.
- Okay. Listen, what are we gonna do? - Okay.
We got the eight-sided die.
You roll it once, then there's the six-sided one, flip the thing,
- and now I gotta flip the sheep. - No.
How do I do that? When do I flip the sheep?
Oh, well...
We looked at this. Not that page.
- Where is it? - It's that one in the middle.
- In the middle. There we go. - It's the red--
Who reads German?
Ooh, boy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey.
See you in my office!
Whoa. Sorry, muscle memory.
Yeah, detention. I used to like that. That was a good memory for me.
Oh, man! I'm actually inside an American high school!
It's everything I've ever dreamed of.
You got your influencers, your cybergoths, and your jocks.
I mean, this is amazing.
- Oh, my God! - I'm so sorry!
Oh, gosh!
Are-- Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I just got cut from the softball team.
Oh, uh, they're just jealous, okay?
It's like when the elves told me I was too tall to play jollyball with them.
It'll be all right.
You are strange.
I, um, I guess I'll see you around, yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
High school is awesome!
That wasn't my experience.
Listen, you've been awfully quiet. What's the matter?
What did you bring?
- Anything else? - Yes.
Hey.
- Oh, great. - Come on.
Uh, listen-- Okay, let's-- let's just try to act normal with a coat full of animals.
Actually, he prefers to be called a-a reptile.
Whoa. Looks exactly the same.
I can't believe my eyes. I'm looking at a legend here.
Okay, well, let's not start a stampede with the kids.
The Carol Newman.
Oh, that-- that-- that legend.
Vivian!
Oh.
You remember my husband, Scott.
- Vivian. - Not ringing a bell.
So ironic 'cause bells are such a big part of my life.
- Yeah. - I got coats with bells--
- I wanna hear about being a bush pilot. - Oh, yeah.
Oh, especially the time you flew through the avalanche
to rescue your poor frightened husband.
Yeah, that was an amazing story. I'd like to hear that myself.
- That's great. - Yeah.
I can't remember the plane. It was kind of weird.
- Like-- - Yeah, that was my Cessna.
Nicely done.
I was thinking, just looking around, that I'd love to stay.
- If-- If that's okay? - Yeah.
Sure. Sure. I got plenty of stuff to do.
I'm gonna stop by some old haunts.
- Stop by Circuit City, get us a VCR... - Yeah.
...and then to Blockbuster. I'll rent some tapes for tonight.
Anyway, ho ho ho ho ho.
Ho, ho. Whoa.
Whoa, do I have allergies to that.
That's-- Ho ho. [coughs] Ho ho.
- No. - No.
So, this is where the magic happens.
Magic alone isn't enough to deliver a billion toys in one night.
Now you just stepped in it.
Hugo's one of those elves that believes in "science."
Rumor has it he's originally from the South Pole.
Magic has its place, but if you combine that
with quantum physics, multiple dimensions, parallel universes, vortexes,
holes in the sky that Santa can travel through, and boom!
Joy to the whole world.
- A billion deliveries in one night. - Wow.
If I had this kind of tech, I would've killed it.
Of course, only being able to deliver on Christmas would've been a problem.
Oh, with a couple adjustments, this puppy can deliver anytime.
We could do this year-round?
Dad, you have that crazy look you get whenever a new smartphone's released.
- So, when people send us their orders-- - You mean lists?
Sure. We can get them what they want right away?
Well, with our delivery system,
we can get people what they want before they even know they want it.
Dad. Crazy eyes.
Memorial Day is awesome.
Parties, barbecues, games and fun.
- What are we "memorial-ing?" - Fallen soldiers.
What?
Why are we having a picnic?
All right!
We can officially get this party started because Carol's here.
- I am so happy to see you. - How about me-- Yeah.
Oh, my goodness, you guys! Oh, it's been forever. Hi.
Mom is like the Dad of this place.
Yes! Oh, my goodness. Such a pleasure.
- And this is-- - Huh.
Oh. Oh, hey!
Hey. I-I haven't seen you around school.
Oh. So you were looking for me.
- Uh-- - I transferred to another school.
Made the softball team, so, uh, yay.
Nice.
My name's Riley, by the way.
Cal. It's short for Calvin. Calvin Calvin.
Your name's Calvin Calvin?
Yeah. It-- It-- It's a problem.
Well, my full name is Buddy Calvin Claus,
but you know how many elves are named Buddy?
It gets confusing, you know?
Elves?
Kids! Kids. Kids. What'd I-- What'd I say?
Uh, anyway, it wasn't a problem going by my middle name
until we changed our last name to Calvin.
- Oh. Changed your last name? - Yeah.
All right, so you in the, uh, the Witness Relocation Program or something?
- Something like that. Yeah. - Oh, okay.
Anyways, tell me about you. What kind of human stuff do you do?
Have you been to a bank, like, with money and stuff?
Yeah.
Sandra, you're killing me here.
- You're not even trying to make friends. - What do you call that squirrel?
That's a rat with a big bushy tail that likes nuts.
Okay, and what about you? I don't see you trying to make any friends.
I'm a 60-year-old man. We don't make friends at this age.
That's nature's way of keeping us cranky.
I thought you said we were gonna do this together.
All right. You're right.
And that sounds like an elf scream, and that's exactly why I left the North Pole!
Look out! Runaway horse!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey! Sandra, what are you doing? Sandra! What are you doing?
Hey! Come here! Sandra!
Whoa! Whoa!
It's okay, boy. It's okay.
Oh, wow, girl.
That was crazy impressive riding.
Weren't you scared?
No. The horse was scared, so I had to show him I wasn't.
It's true. I was scared. I saw a bee.
- What did you say? - What did who say?
Oh, crud. It's happening here too?
Hey, I'm Jada. That's Hannah and MacKenzie.
- Hey. - Hi.
We sort of have this riding club. You wouldn't wanna join us, would you?
Do walruses love belly rubs?
I would love to join your club. Yeah.
- Did you see that? - Yes!
Sandra saves the day, and she's making friends.
- Amazing. - Yeah.
- I'm kind of riding high as well. - Yeah, what about?
Yeah, so the district is opening a new charter school, and...
they want me to be in charge of it.
Well, listen, I haven't said yes yet. Um, and-- and I don't have to.
- Are you gonna be okay? - Of course I'm gonna be okay.
I've had my time in the spotlight.
It's your turn to shine now, and I'll just-- I'll sit in the dark.
- Didn't sound good, did it? - No.
Elves. My beautiful elves.
My beautiful, forever-young elves.
Who wants to give me some of your blood?
I'm just kidding! Come on, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Question for you: What's your favorite day of the year?
Christmas!
And what is your least favorite day of the year?
Every other day!
And now, what if I told you that we could make Christmas every day?
- Wow. - How?
Using the North Pole's delivery system and EverythingNow!'s algorithm,
we can make that dream a reality.
Christmas, 365.
Giving everyone whatever they want, whenever they want it!
Think about it, okay?
Christmas every day would diminish the true specialness of Christmas.
I know, Noel.
It's like how being tickled is the most fun thing in the world,
but after a week of being tickled, you start throwing up.
I once tickled you for two weeks straight, and you never threw up.
Yeah, that was a bad example.
I'm just saying Christmas every day isn't really Christmas.
I know. But letting new Santas find their footing is part of our job.
Santas need to figure out on their own what they're doing wrong.
- And if Fake Santa Simon doesn't? - ...want when they want it.
And that is how Christmas every day will make the North Pole relevant
for the next millennia!
Can I have a hug, Santa?
You know what? This time it's fine. Bring it in. Everybody, come on!
Oh.
There we go.
So strong. Very strong. Wow.
That's good.
There we go. Very strong.
That's good.
So then, I'm like, "Whoa, I can't game with you guys,
then study for my geometry finals and volunteer at the community center!"
- What? - Yeah.
That sounds like my day. It's, like, been pedal to the metal all day.
But plenty of time for my family.
Who's up to play that terrible sheep game again?
I'm sorry. I'm hanging out with the horse girls.
Human girls! Not female horses, just to be clear.
And I have plans with Riley too, so...
Oh.
Oh! You know what? I forgot. I've got that science committee meeting.
Right. Right. You know what?
Perfect, 'cause what I'll do is, uh, I guess I will clear the table.
'Cause many hands make light work.
And three trips would be six hands, so in a way, if you do it yourself,
- it is making light work. - See you after horse girls.
- Bye. Have fun. - Later!
We got mail already. Got mail.
Yeah.
We launched our Christmas Every Day promotion in a few test markets,
and the results so far are off the charts!
That's right!
Everything is on schedule to go global by November.
- But that's in a couple weeks. - It sure is.
Hmm. Are we sure this feels right?
Oh, well, what do you all think?
Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa!
Santa, we need to talk.
Give us the room.
Bets, I should've hired elves years ago. They're so enthusiastic.
I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm anti-union.
- What's a union? - Oh, man. I love this place.
Sir, two elves didn't show up for work today.
Okay, I mean, people miss work all the time.
Not in the North Pole.
No elf has ever not shown up for work.
Ever.
One time we thought Hugo was trying to pull a "Blue Flu,"
but turned out he had just eaten too many M&M's.
Blue ones, if that wasn't clear.
I sort of stopped listening.
Sir, Christmas Every Day, it's a bad idea!
It gives people nothing to look forward to.
It ruins the spirit of giving, togetherness and specialness.
And no one's going to know when to watch It's a Wonderful Life.
It's going to ruin Christmas.
Hard disagree, Bets.
Let me show you this. I did the analysis.
Christmas has been on the downswing for years now.
In fact, idea percolating,
what if, instead of Christmas Every Day, we called it C.E.D.?
Sir, I think you're being a bit reckless.
Also, your eyes are moving in ways I've only seen in cartoons.
Okay, genuine question: Am I in charge, or are you?
- You are, sir. I can only advise. - Cool, cool. Okay.
Um, so look, I started this business because I wanted everyone
to have everything they wanted when they wanted it.
Bets, it was aspirational, but now it can be a reality.
Why don't we just try it this way?
And look, if it doesn't work, we'll go back to the old way. Okay?
Oh, Betty, Betty.
You're a rock star.
No, sir. You're a rock star.
Betty. Honeybuns. Come in!
What the heck?
I thought you were gonna stop Fake Santa Simon,
not call him a rock star.
Crumpet and Barnabas spoke out against the changes around here,
and now they're gone.
Did they run away, or were they sent away?
- I don't know. - You need to go get Santa Scott back.
That's not how it works. I can't.
I figured as much, so I'm taking matters into my own hands.
Oh, for the love of Mike and Ikes.
Santa Simon, I challenge you to a duel!
Aw!
That's adorbs, but Daddy's working right now.
Maybe-- Maybe Grace can play.
This isn't a game. This is a legit duel.
- Loser leaves the North Pole. - What?
Thank you?
This is ridiculous.
Ridiculous? Maybe.
But what you're doing is wrong. And you know it.
That's why you don't bring Grace with you to work anymore.
You leave Grace out of this, okay?
She's just been, uh, been busy doing stuff.
You know, she's just-- just doing kid stuff.
You lie like a gnome.
Noel, that is enough nonsense.
Go home, take a nice long bubble-gum bath and we'll talk about this later.
Men.
My darling, I hate fighting with you.
I know your teensy-weensy hands are tied by ancient North Pole bylaws,
so I guess it's up to me to do something
before fake, stupid-head Santa Simon destroys our way of life.
Pardon my French, but I am "très angré."
If you need me, the walrus knows where I am. Noel.
Betty?
Are you in here?
You're so tiny, it's hard to tell sometimes.
I think I may have been too harsh with you.
Carol?
Oh, my God.
Hey! How are you? Look at you!
- What are you doing here? - I'm taking you back.
- What? - Simon's destroying Christmas.
Come on. Destroying Christmas? You know how many times you said that to me?
Remember the time I put the phone in the sleigh? You didn't like that.
How about the time we buzzed Rockefeller Center,
and the tree had a little bend at the top, "That's the end of Christmas!"
- He has all these crazy plans! - Yeah.
Like making it Christmas every day!
Listen, Simon deserves the right to be the Santa of his choosing, right?
Just like I deserve the right to be the dad I was meant to be.
I think you wasted a trip.
Okay, look. Come on. Stop, stop.
Listen, I got to be honest with you.
Okay, I missed you. You wanna hang out for a little bit?
- I'd love to stay! - Good.
No way I'm going back to the North Pole while Fake Santa Simon is there.
I want nothing to do with that guy.
- Hey, I got a job. - As what?
- Sir, we have a problem. - Oh, hi, Betty!
Oh, Grace, I didn't see you there.
You know, the gingerbread men are redesigning their house
to make it more open-concept,
and there's this whole wall just waiting to be eaten.
- You should go check it out. - Oh, Daddy, let's go!
Uh, honey, Daddy's working very hard for you right now.
Why don't you go ahead and, uh, bring me back a window?
Sir, the stable elf disappeared, and there's an issue with the reindeer.
They don't seem to want to fly, or maybe they can't.
I haven't seen them this out of it since the day after the '64 TV special aired.
This in addition to elves deserting.
Sir, the only kind of "deserting" elves know how to do is eat a cinnamon roll.
Well, then where are they?
I wish I knew, but more are gone.
AWOL elves and nonflying reindeer are a reflection of leadership.
- I agree. - Yeah, this falls on you, Betty.
And so close to December too.
I guess it's good for everyone
that Christmas itself doesn't really matter much anymore, huh?
Have you seen Noel?
He didn't come home last night.
Usually, Zippy calls me
and tells me if he's had one too many at the hot cocoa bar,
but Zippy's gone too.
Men, am I right?
I just don't believe he would leave without telling me.
Yeah, well, like I said. I-- You know, I don't know anything about that, so...
If we make it through December... ♪
Making the rounds with you again has been fun...
- Mm-hmm. - ...but working for EverythingNow?
What are we doing?
What we always do. Spreading joy at the holidays, right?
But the closer we get to Christmas, the less deliveries.
Yeah, I got to admit, it's not as festive as I remember.
Because of Fake Santa Simon.
He's not "Fake Santa Simon." He's the real Santa now.
And he's not gonna become a great Santa without his number one.
You're still the number one.
So, you got to go back to the North Pole and help this guy, all right?
And you got to deal with Betty.
- I can't go back. - Yes, you can.
I told you, I left her the note, and she still hasn't come looking for me,
- which means she doesn't care anymore. - She cares about you.
You kids will work it out. Hell, you've only been married 900 years.
Thousand-year itch is right around the corner.
That's true.
You know what? This is home now.
We're all real happy here.
Unholy night! Murray's been decapitated!
I never knew this kind of evil existed.
Well, listen, Chicago's not for everybody, and we can fix him.
We'll just put his head back on the body.
There's footprints. So we know it wasn't a suicide.
Someone bit his nose off like a little snack!
- Hmm. - What kind of monster eats a carrot?
Hippies and vegans. Hippie vegans.
Hey! You! You're ruining my work of art.
We're just spreading a little Christmas spirit here on my property, boys.
Uh, wait a minute. Jimmy Mercer.
Tinkertoys, that's your thing, right?
Who cares about Christmas anymore?
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, now you've done it.
You just messed with the greatest snowball thrower of all time.
Mr. San-- Oh!
No more Mr. Nice List now.
Oh! Oh!
- I just pulled my arm out. - Santa!
I'm not the man I used to be.
You're not a man. You're my hero!
Cover! Cover!
It's been an honor! Nice knowing ya.
Ow! Ow!
Wow. It's not even 7:00 p.m. That was more like a 9:00 p.m. sigh.
I just got fired for getting into a snowball fight.
- Did you win? - I used to be somebody.
- At least, I thought I was somebody. - What are you talking about?
- Get your shoes off the bed. - I was thinking a lot today about flukes.
It was just a fluke that I'm even Santa Claus.
That guy could've slid off anybody's roof.
And then I get married to you. I love being married to you.
That's because of the Mrs. Clause. I just go one clause to another, you know?
- Hmm. - I'm out of clauses now.
Well, you have the "Get Your Shoes Off the Bed" clause.
Oh, yes, there is that.
I thought coming back to Chicago, I would just start where I left off here.
You know, we'd hit the ground rolling.
Spend time with my kids.
But they have their friends, and you have your job.
Principal.
You're the best principal in Chicago, because that's what you're good at.
Well, you just need to figure out what you're good at.
Hey, this is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of.
C.E.D. is a great success, and it's all thanks to you.
My elves who haven't complained and-- and run away!
We have something called an accounting department now?
Are we charging people? That's not what we do!
Why don't you give it a chance, okay? If you don't like it, we'll stop.
But I have a feeling you'll feel differently
when you're living in that big mansion on the hill.
No. We're running out of time.
This measures Christmas spirit. Look how dark it's getting.
When the last of the light goes out, Christmas is extinguished.
That's it. Something's been off, and now I know what it is.
New Santa is destroying Christmas spirit!
What are you talking about? No, I'm not. I'm making more of it.
Christmas isn't supposed to be every day!
It's about anticipation.
Counting down the days with paper chains or cheap waxy chocolate.
It's about going to bed with butterflies in your stomach,
knowing you'll finally wake up to presents under the tree.
Christmas is about goodness! Love!
Having faith in something... ...you can't see.
I don't feel too good.
Speaking of something you can't see, I can't see Edie!
It's okay.
There is a logical explanation for everything, except this.
Commence panicking!
Well, hang on, everybody, all right? This is perfectly normal.
In the entire history of the North Pole,
an elf has never just vanished into thin air.
I've known there was something rotten from the second you stepped foot in the North--
Oh, no.
First, you lose the coat. Now this.
I gave you enough leeway.
As Head Elf, I will no longer allow you to continue.
Well then, Bets,
it looks like your days as Head Elf are over.
You're fired.
No.
Bella? Come. Come, come, come.
I never thought that I would see you here.
I suppose you are looking for the Santa coat?
You took it?
No! It came here on its own.
It did?
By itself.
I think it's safer here.
Then why did you come?
I need to get in touch with him.
Oh. Scott Calvin? You let him retire.
That was a little bit of a whoopsie-doodle for you, eh?
Not him.
Him.
Oh. Where did all this come from?
Well, it might have been me. I was thinking about what you said.
That I should do what I do best. And what I do best is Santa Claus.
So it's now time for me to demonstrate that, now and forever,
I will be Santa Claus for my family.
- Mmm. - Oh.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, I got to say,
all these Christmas decorations are making me a little homesick.
That's what I'm getting at here.
What I'd like to do is maybe have an old-fashioned North Pole Christmas,
if-- if you guys have the time.
No, that seems wonderful.
And we could get out that Flip the Sheep game,
and we could finally make it through the instructions.
Cal, you know, you can bring some buds over if you want,
or even ask Riley.
Oh, that's a big step.
You know, game night with your family. Next stop, marriage.
Oh, please. You two haven't even kissed yet.
All these months, and you haven't kissed her, huh?
Well, not everyone dates for six minutes and then, you know, gets married like us.
Thank you. It's not like I know what I'm doing when it comes to girls. Like--
I can help you there.
Uh, you're gonna teach me how to kiss?
This should be interesting.
I am not gonna do that.
I was thinking you might help me do the tree.
Oh, awesome! Yeah, I've missed that.
- Okay. - Yeah, me too.
Well, know what they say?
"Elves gotta elf!"
All right, well, our elf is out getting some ice cream,
but I think we could start working on the tree.
So, the first time in 29 years...
...I'm going to spend Christmas with my family.
- Oh, Scott. - Thank you, Dad.
Okay. Everybody, take an ornament.
Take the big ones, and you start on the bottom. We're gonna do that...
Oh, God. This can't be good.