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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[HIP-HOP INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[RUMBLING]

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[MUSIC CONTINUES]

6
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EMCEE: Give it up for
the Real Earthquake!

7
00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:33,424
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

8
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,654
[AUDIENCE HOOTING AND WHISTLING]

9
00:00:56,621 --> 00:00:59,581
Yeah, I'm gonna get them
to pick that God damn money up.

10
00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:01,496
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

11
00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:03,585
What's up, Tempe?
How y'all doing?

12
00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,543
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

13
00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:10,679
Tempe!

14
00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:12,463
Scottsdale.

15
00:01:13,508 --> 00:01:15,249
Phoenix. Which one are you?

16
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:16,511
[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

17
00:01:16,554 --> 00:01:19,253
Y'all all them motherfuckers.

18
00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:23,083
Hell, I don't know what you are,
but I know when you come here,
you need all your clothes.

19
00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:26,390
It'll be 80 at 3:00.

20
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:31,482
And then below 30 at 4:00.

21
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,093
Motherfucker don't know
what to wear.

22
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:38,054
Y'all do got that slave heat
down here, though.

23
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,318
People say
ain't no climate change, shit!

24
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:42,928
Anybody black
knows climate change.

25
00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:44,887
I know it's climate change.

26
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:48,717
Take a whole bottle to get
this ash off my black ass.

27
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,720
When I put lotion on,
it's like it's hitting the pipe.
[SUCKS IN AIR]

28
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:55,550
[SUCKS IN AIR] God damn!

29
00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:57,247
Then I turn white again.
[SUCKS IN AIR]

30
00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:01,817
This motherfucker,
I need some Vaseline.

31
00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,819
[SUCKS IN AIR]

32
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,777
My skin ain't never been
that dry.

33
00:02:07,562 --> 00:02:11,566
Some of y'all niggas in here
right now, look at your hands.

34
00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:14,090
Thought it was your hand.
It's a plate, nigga.
It's a plate.

35
00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:19,139
My girl be trying to put some...
Some lotion on my ass.

36
00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:20,444
I said "Mmm-mmm."

37
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:23,491
Ass always gotta look ashy.

38
00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:26,450
[ALL LAUGHING]

39
00:02:26,494 --> 00:02:29,540
You never want your ass
being soft.

40
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:31,716
Fuck it, when you're locked up,
that's your ass.

41
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:38,506
Keep your ass lookin' like
you don't even wanna
go there. Mmm-hmm.

42
00:02:38,549 --> 00:02:40,290
I want my ass to look haunted.

43
00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:45,165
He'd be looking at that ass,
"I don't even want that one."

44
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,083
That was what
I told motherfuckers.

45
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:53,564
If I was gay, I had to be
the poker and not the pokee.

46
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,569
If I'm the pokee,
we ain't gonna never make love.

47
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,182
We gonna stay
at the divorce counselor.

48
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,141
I told him
I wasn't that kind of guy.

49
00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:12,714
My friend, man,
motherfucker losing them women
over any kind of way.

50
00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:16,761
My man, he let this woman go
because she kept on touching
the thermostat.

51
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:22,898
Nigga, it would be 90 degrees,
she's still wearing a coat.

52
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,032
He said... He said...
[CHUCKLING]

53
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:29,861
He said it'd be so hot
in that motherfucker
he'd feel like a slave.

54
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:32,734
[HUMMING]

55
00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:34,257
[SINGING] ♪ Oh, Jesus ♪

56
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:36,781
These ain't jokes.

57
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:41,960
Police, these motherfuckers
are crazy here.

58
00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:44,049
Shoot a motherfucker
in a wheelchair.

59
00:03:44,093 --> 00:03:45,747
[ALL LAUGHING]

60
00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:50,186
In the back.

61
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,276
While he's trying to get away.

62
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,452
-[MIMICS WHEELCHAIR ZOOMING]
-[MIMICKING GUNSHOTS]

63
00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,977
'Cause he's... [LAUGHING]

64
00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:01,241
I don't give a fuck
if y'all laugh or not,
you know it happened.

65
00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:03,199
Shot him in the back.

66
00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:06,550
This nigga was stealing
some tools.

67
00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:10,206
Police said he feared
for his life.

68
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:14,515
"I thought the nigga
was gonna run over my toes."

69
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,781
Y'all police don't give a fuck!

70
00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:22,044
Shoot a nigga in the back

71
00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,307
in a wheelchair.

72
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:25,569
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

73
00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:29,225
O.J. free.

74
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,880
-[AUDIENCE HOOTING]
-Yeah, that nigga off on parole.

75
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,273
White women, look out!

76
00:04:35,231 --> 00:04:36,667
The Juice is loose.

77
00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:40,497
[LAUGHS AND TAPS MIC]

78
00:04:40,541 --> 00:04:42,369
He looking for some white women
for dinner.

79
00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:47,591
Some of y'all ain't laughing,
I don't give a fuck.

80
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:51,247
That nigga's on parole,
he's free!

81
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,814
Seventy-four with dementia.

82
00:04:56,208 --> 00:04:57,862
Just in the club,
what's happening?

83
00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:01,910
Bill Cosby in the car.

84
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:04,434
[AUDIENCE BOOING AND LAUGHING]

85
00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:06,088
Some of you can't get him,
I get him!

86
00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:13,138
"I got some Puddin' Pop,
I got Puddin' Pop.

87
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:14,662
"Who want the Puddin' Pop?"

88
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:18,535
Bill out here just takin' pussy.

89
00:05:19,797 --> 00:05:23,018
Just at the club,
dropping a pill. Mmm.

90
00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:25,455
Just sitting back,
"Look how she's fighting
that medicine.

91
00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:30,330
"That motherfucker strong!

92
00:05:31,505 --> 00:05:33,158
"I should've gave her
1000 milligram.

93
00:05:33,202 --> 00:05:34,986
"That 500 ain't doing shit.

94
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,294
"Look how she fighting
that medicine."

95
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:43,125
These ain't jokes.

96
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:47,390
He got out, though.

97
00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:50,262
Hanging with O.J.

98
00:05:51,002 --> 00:05:52,308
O from the go.

99
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:56,791
Women out here gettin'
all kind of surgeries now.

100
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:58,488
I ain't got nothing against it.

101
00:05:58,532 --> 00:06:00,316
Matter of fact, I endorse it.

102
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,623
You can do some shit
to make yourself look better.

103
00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:06,409
But it really tells you
where a woman is
in their life now.

104
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:09,456
When I see a woman, boy,
she looking rough,
I'm, like, "Oof!"

105
00:06:11,632 --> 00:06:13,373
[ALL LAUGHING]

106
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,637
You need a stimulus package.

107
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,901
Ain't nobody invested in you.

108
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:23,034
There's no reason for your nose
to look like that.

109
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:25,907
You could fix that motherfucker
if you wanted to.

110
00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:28,257
Some of you ain't laughing
'cause you in here.

111
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,521
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

112
00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:34,568
You could take a four to a ten

113
00:06:35,699 --> 00:06:37,571
if you invest in it
the right way.

114
00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:41,139
People don't know,
you gotta get a good one.

115
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:44,752
Then, you know, some women,
they do all the surgeries.

116
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,102
Yeah, they go get out there
and get that pussy rebuilt.

117
00:06:50,366 --> 00:06:53,717
I was fucking with a chick,
she went and got her shit
regenerated and shit.

118
00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:56,198
Came back, that motherfucker
was drier than a cracker.

119
00:06:57,895 --> 00:06:59,419
Wasn't nothing wet
in that motherfucker.

120
00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:01,899
I was spitting in there,
"Come on.

121
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:04,424
"Somebody gotta lube
this motherfucker up."

122
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:07,905
I thought she needed to go back
and put a sprinkler system
in this motherfucker.

123
00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:10,386
Ain't no water
in this motherfucker.

124
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,953
I can't keep getting
this friction.

125
00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:14,434
We about to start a fire.

126
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:17,219
We can't be fucking
on these cotton sheets.

127
00:07:17,262 --> 00:07:18,916
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

128
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:24,095
When you was young,
you look for a woman
with all that bullshit,

129
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:25,227
titties, ass and everything.

130
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:27,708
No, when you get
in your 40s and 50,

131
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:29,536
you need to find you
a caregiver.

132
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:34,889
You need somebody
to help your ass.

133
00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:37,848
Side chicks
are terrible caregivers.

134
00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:41,025
They don't read prescriptions
right or nothing.

135
00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:44,464
They don't respect
your dietary restrictions.

136
00:07:44,507 --> 00:07:46,161
Coming home
with chicken fingers.

137
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:48,642
Bitch, you know I got
high blood pressure.
You better...

138
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,557
You supposed to bring some...
[LAUGHING]

139
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:55,562
Some spinach
in this motherfucker
or some celery.

140
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:58,913
Coming in here
with these hot wings
from Popeyes.

141
00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:01,698
And you wanna know
why I got a headache
and my dick don't get hard.

142
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:06,834
You ain't got a good woman
in your life,

143
00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:09,967
you better look at
one of your kids.

144
00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:12,666
That motherfucker
gonna be your caregiver.

145
00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:17,366
I got three kids.
Nigga, I only trust one of 'em.

146
00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:20,500
And if I was in the nursing home
and one of my daughters
came to pick me up,

147
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,545
and I look at 'em, they say
"Your daughter here
to get you."

148
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,547
I'm like "Mmm-mmm.
Take me back upstairs.

149
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:26,680
"Let me use your phone.

150
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:29,770
"I'll find somebody else
to pick me up."

151
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:33,077
Just put me at the bus stop.
I'll catch a ride before I ride
with them home.

152
00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:36,037
That motherfucker right there
beat me.

153
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:41,085
Just put me in front of the TV
and won't clean me
for four days.

154
00:08:41,129 --> 00:08:42,478
Flies be all on me.

155
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,175
I be shitting on myself.

156
00:08:44,219 --> 00:08:45,786
She be slapping me.
"You never loved me."

157
00:08:47,483 --> 00:08:48,876
I did once you made it.

158
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:53,924
Once you made it,
you was my child.

159
00:08:58,973 --> 00:09:01,410
Jada Pinkett's just doing
Will wrong.

160
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:05,196
I'm telling the Fresh Prince,
nigga, get upset.

161
00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:12,943
She'd had the entanglement,
had a young nigga over there
fucking her in the house.

162
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:16,338
Got Will on here
taking all kinds of chances.

163
00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:18,253
Seen a nigga on the moon
taking pictures.

164
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,211
I said, get your ass off
of that motherfucker.

165
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:22,866
[CHUCKLING] Over in China...

166
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:27,784
In Thailand,
underwater, in caves...

167
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:30,004
This nigga
trying to die legally.

168
00:09:35,183 --> 00:09:38,795
What's wrong? These niggas
make motherfuckers with money
look bad,

169
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,492
You get that kind of money,
you don't pose...

170
00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:44,322
You got 99 problems,
your woman ain't supposed
to be one.

171
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:47,325
You got money?
Fuck that, nigga. You...

172
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:51,939
He got to have,
like, at least about
two-three hundred million.

173
00:09:51,982 --> 00:09:54,594
You got that motherfucker,
they talking about
"Sex was terrible

174
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:56,204
"with the Fresh Prince."

175
00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:58,772
I love Tupac.

176
00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:02,210
Love a nigga
that ain't even here no more.

177
00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:08,477
I don't know, is it worse
for him or God damn Kanye?

178
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:11,872
Crying for Kim.

179
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,700
"Bring me back, please me..."

180
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,963
First of all, nigga,
you married the work.

181
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:22,796
Now, we have a rule in DC,
you never marry the work.

182
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:24,580
It's the kitty, nigga.
That's for everybody.

183
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,235
You're not supposed
to keep the kitty for yourself.

184
00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:31,369
It's the work.
And now you out here
crying for her and shit.

185
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,764
She's single now, motherfucker.

186
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,853
Trying to be a lawyer.
I might have to hook up
with her.

187
00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:41,858
Get that heat on me.

188
00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:45,383
These ain't jokes.

189
00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:49,997
I don't fuck with white women.
I'm not prejudiced,

190
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,304
I just... My preference...
I gotta be with a black woman.

191
00:10:53,348 --> 00:10:56,656
-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-Don't clap for that shit.

192
00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:59,049
I would like to have
a diverse portfolio.

193
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,577
Well, I just... I just...
I just...

194
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:07,405
I just love the fuck
outta our women.

195
00:11:07,449 --> 00:11:09,973
That attitude work for me.
I need to know.

196
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:12,019
I don't like no docile,
quiet motherfucker.

197
00:11:12,062 --> 00:11:14,848
You make me scared in the house.

198
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:18,329
I'll be walking over there,
"Bitch, whatchu thinking?

199
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,070
"You ain't said shit all night,
say something!"

200
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:25,075
I like a motherfucker
that has that ghetto attitude.

201
00:11:25,119 --> 00:11:28,122
Type of motherfucker
put you out, change the locks
at your house.

202
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,562
What we gonna do
with Al Sharpton?

203
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:37,174
This motherfucker's a staple.

204
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,788
Ain't no eulogy he'll skip.

205
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:48,751
I love Al to death, man.
God bless him.

206
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:52,320
I'm telling you right now,
he better not lose
another ounce.

207
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:57,673
This nigga's disappearing.

208
00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,937
I was watching him on MSNBC.
Went to take a piss
and then came back,

209
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:03,331
that nigga was gone.

210
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:05,202
I said "Something wrong
with my Fire Stick."

211
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:11,992
And I seen, he was between
the resolution lines.

212
00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:13,863
This nigga skinnier
than a motherfucker.

213
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:16,431
This nigga is blowing between
the H and the D.

214
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,827
Our ancestors are
some bad motherfuckers.

215
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:23,177
I have the utmost respect
for them.

216
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:25,309
Al Sharpton and them
marching motherfuckers,

217
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:28,356
stabbed them and they still
believe in the cause.

218
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:29,966
And I'll tell y'all right now,

219
00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:32,490
as a black man,

220
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:35,972
and a man that makes his money
off trying to get us equality,

221
00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:39,323
we are a hard race
on our leaders.

222
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,847
Them motherfuckers
go through it.

223
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:43,980
I can't even understand
how Martin Luther King did it.

224
00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:46,200
And I'm being honest
with myself.

225
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:49,812
I, personally speaking,
when I seen all them movies
of Martin Luther King marching,

226
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:52,641
I'm, like, "Phew.
Glad I came later."

227
00:12:55,426 --> 00:12:57,472
'Cause there ain't no way
I'm walking on that bridge

228
00:12:57,515 --> 00:13:00,301
with them crackers hitting me
with rocks and shit.

229
00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:01,955
I make one march.

230
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:05,349
Martin come knocking on there
the next time, come on!

231
00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:08,178
Shit! Look at my eye, nigga.

232
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:12,356
I ain't got it, fuck that shit.

233
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,705
We gotta find another way.

234
00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:17,579
Fuck freedom.

235
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,977
I don't want it no more, Martin.

236
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,892
I don't want freedom,
look at my eye.

237
00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:28,068
I see three of you.

238
00:13:31,419 --> 00:13:32,550
Poor Wendy Williams.

239
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:37,164
She's going through
everything that men go through

240
00:13:39,601 --> 00:13:41,908
[AUDIENCE TITTERING
AND LAUGHING]

241
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:50,003
Motherfucker married
the wrong motherfucker,

242
00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:52,614
get your money and build
another motherfucker up.

243
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:54,616
That's what happened.

244
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:56,966
It's hard on you.

245
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:00,883
Your woman...

246
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,580
In that case, her man.

247
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:08,586
Find a young...
A younger motherfucker.

248
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:10,850
Use all the money... Your money.

249
00:14:12,199 --> 00:14:15,202
Build that bitch up,
she fine and everything.

250
00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:18,248
You desperate, all on your show,
trying to date anybody.

251
00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:22,513
It's killing her.

252
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,302
Now, why, man? It's hard on her.

253
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,349
Funniest shit was
when she fainted, nigga.

254
00:14:34,830 --> 00:14:36,310
No, I made sure
she was all right.

255
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:39,791
But after I knew that,
nigga, I laughed.

256
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:42,533
Put that shit on
the DVR and I said,
"Look at this motherfucker."

257
00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:46,059
Yeah, it was, like, "Timber!"

258
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:51,281
And she tall, nigga.
It looked like a big-ass tree.

259
00:14:58,201 --> 00:15:00,900
I'll bet you,
ain't no one motherfucker
pick her up by herself.

260
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,688
Took two motherfuckers
to get her up.

261
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,298
It's hard to go to work
and you making money

262
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:09,778
and another motherfucker
using it.

263
00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:16,002
Men been going through
that shit all they life.

264
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:18,830
That's why white men
don't get no divorce.
They kill they bitches.

265
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,791
"You gonna take half my shit,
you goin' fishing.

266
00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:27,839
"Get in the boat, bitch.
Get in the boat."

267
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:29,798
"Where are we going?"
"Don't worry about it."

268
00:15:35,195 --> 00:15:37,197
"Where are we going, Billy?"
"Don't worry about it.

269
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,417
"Just get your shit
and get in the boat.

270
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,768
"Keep rolling that way.

271
00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:45,466
"Look over there.
What's over there?"
[BANGS]

272
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:49,600
Hit her ass with a hammer.

273
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:51,298
Wake up the next morning
with a flier.

274
00:15:51,341 --> 00:15:52,908
"I don't know where...
[MUMBLING]

275
00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:57,260
"She went to Walmart
at 4:30 in the morning."

276
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,264
Got the whole neighborhood
looking for that ho.

277
00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:03,440
She underneath the porch.

278
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:09,229
But Wendy going through it,
I feel her.

279
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:11,144
So I'm making that bread, man.

280
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,147
The person you thought
loved you...

281
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:18,673
Gone with your money,
then get a young girl,

282
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:21,023
buy her all this shit.

283
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,591
You all on your show
trying to find a man.

284
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:28,074
Make you just have
a nervous fucking breakdown.

285
00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:31,903
She's strong. She's man enough.

286
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,865
[ALL LAUGHING]

287
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,217
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

288
00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:46,396
I just be fucking with Wendy.
She fuck with everybody else.

289
00:16:47,093 --> 00:16:48,050
Take a joke.

290
00:16:49,704 --> 00:16:51,184
Hell, these ain't nothing
but jokes.

291
00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:55,188
What about Jussie Smollett?

292
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,191
This lyin' motherfucker.

293
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,238
This nigga
told a barbershop lie.

294
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,762
[ALL LAUGHING]

295
00:17:12,422 --> 00:17:14,772
You know, the barbershop lie.

296
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:16,078
When the nigga walk in there,

297
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:17,688
"Nigga, you ain't even
gonna believe this."

298
00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:22,954
This nigga coming
with a barbershop lie.

299
00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:27,916
This nigga said,
3:00, he went to go get
a Subway sandwich.

300
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:34,009
When he was walking down there,
motherfucker called him
racial epithets,

301
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:35,880
gay slurs,

302
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:39,754
had a MAGA hat on,

303
00:17:39,797 --> 00:17:41,756
threw bleach
and a foreign object on him,

304
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:43,540
and put a noose around his neck.

305
00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:47,849
I said, "Damn, nigga.
All them niggas found you."

306
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:51,026
Every racist group there was
said, "There you go,
let's get him together."

307
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:53,246
[CHUCKLES]

308
00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:58,381
They got his ass.

309
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:02,124
I knew he was lying, though.

310
00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:04,996
No, I knew the motherfucker
was lying.

311
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,695
You know, 'cause when they
interviewed the nigga,

312
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:10,828
he was still holding
the Subway sandwich.

313
00:18:13,483 --> 00:18:16,182
But he had the noose
around his neck,

314
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:18,836
while he had the footlong
right here.

315
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,925
I said "This nigga didn't let go
of the sandwich?"

316
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:29,369
I love a footlong,
but not if a nigga hanging me.

317
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:31,240
[ALL LAUGHING]

318
00:18:36,854 --> 00:18:38,726
I had to let a woman go
'cause of Subway.

319
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,644
No, man. Listen, man. Listen.

320
00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:45,689
Everybody know, when you get
your food to go,

321
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:48,518
you're supposed to check shit
before you get home.

322
00:18:48,562 --> 00:18:50,738
We go get some food
before we go see the football

323
00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:54,481
and we get home in time
to watch the game on TV.

324
00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:58,963
So, you know, we get our food,
drive home, get home
just in motherfucking time.

325
00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:00,400
[MIMICS BRAKES SCREECHING]

326
00:19:00,530 --> 00:19:02,619
I got my food out, nigga,
I'm 'bout to eat my shit,

327
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:04,143
puttin' the potato chip down.

328
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:07,450
I hear in the other room,
"God damn it!"

329
00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:09,974
I said, "What, baby?"
"They fucked my sandwich up."

330
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:13,108
I said "What'd they do, boo?"

331
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,024
"They ain't put none
of the ingredients on there
what I asked for."

332
00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:18,722
I said, "What'd they leave off?"
"They ain't put no pickles,
no mayonnaise.

333
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:21,725
"None of the stuff!"
I'm, like, "Damn.
We need to go back!"

334
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:22,770
I'm like, "Fuck!"

335
00:19:27,644 --> 00:19:29,080
She said, "What's wrong?"

336
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:30,908
I said, "I just don't understand
how this happened."

337
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:36,087
She said, "Whatchu mean
you don't understand
how this happened?"

338
00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:37,828
I said, "We was at Subway.

339
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:41,180
"They fixed your sandwich
in your face.

340
00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:46,576
"What did you do
when you asked them..."

341
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,491
[ALL LAUGHING]

342
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,363
"...for lettuce?
What'd you do, turn around?"

343
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:56,107
And slid on down, yeah,
put some salt and pepper
on that.

344
00:19:56,151 --> 00:19:59,328
Cut it in four.
That's a combo, that's a combo.

345
00:20:03,245 --> 00:20:06,770
What did you do
when you told 'em
what you wanted?

346
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:10,948
Can't fuck with
no woman that can't get
a Subway sandwich, man.

347
00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:13,995
Can't have
no woman of my dreams
and the mother of my children

348
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,564
who can't get a sandwich right.

349
00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:23,222
Y'all gotta give it up
to LeBron James.

350
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:25,833
I know some will boo my ass,

351
00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:28,096
don't fuck with that nigga...

352
00:20:28,139 --> 00:20:29,445
LeBron James,

353
00:20:30,794 --> 00:20:32,405
listen to me, is a unicorn.

354
00:20:34,537 --> 00:20:37,105
Real tall.
He's a fucking unicorn.

355
00:20:37,148 --> 00:20:38,976
You will never, ever see
what this brother did.

356
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:42,676
Fuck what he did on the court.

357
00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:46,157
Tell you who he is as a man,
especially as a black man.

358
00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:50,510
Fucking LeBron James
came from a broken home

359
00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:52,729
where him and his mother
had to go house to house,

360
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:55,254
to house, to house, to house,
to house, to house. No father.

361
00:20:57,430 --> 00:21:01,477
Then he had expectations
on him at 16 and 17,

362
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:04,437
as the chosen one
on Sports Illustrated.

363
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,353
So he already had expectation.

364
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:11,922
In other words,
what we say, the juice
and everything.

365
00:21:11,966 --> 00:21:16,971
Not only did that black man
go through the pros,

366
00:21:17,014 --> 00:21:22,237
he married
his high school sweetheart,
who happened to be black.

367
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,283
[AUDIENCE HOOTING
AND APPLAUDING]

368
00:21:24,326 --> 00:21:26,023
Usually, you know,
when the brothers get that,

369
00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:28,765
"It's time for me
to get this white woman."

370
00:21:28,809 --> 00:21:30,985
Some of y'all ain't laughing
'cause you're in here.

371
00:21:31,638 --> 00:21:33,292
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

372
00:21:36,773 --> 00:21:37,861
Married her.

373
00:21:37,905 --> 00:21:39,733
You ain't heard no scandal.

374
00:21:39,776 --> 00:21:43,867
Him being in no motherfucking...
In no drugs, cheating
on his wife

375
00:21:43,911 --> 00:21:46,435
caught up, locked up,
none of that shit.

376
00:21:46,479 --> 00:21:50,700
Bro got four of his
motherfucking boys,
put 'em on.

377
00:21:50,744 --> 00:21:55,183
And they all are independent
millionaires on their own,

378
00:21:55,226 --> 00:21:58,317
off the juice
that he got 'em
through the door,

379
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:01,450
and got 'em all through.
Rich Paul, who's doing his shit.

380
00:22:01,494 --> 00:22:03,583
The rest of 'em, he got 'em.

381
00:22:03,626 --> 00:22:07,456
And also went back to his
own motherfucking neighborhood

382
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:10,938
and put kids through
God damn college
and the rest of 'em.

383
00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:13,070
You will never see
no motherfucker like that.

384
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:15,159
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

385
00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:19,120
You ain't heard
no cocaine, rehab.

386
00:22:19,163 --> 00:22:21,775
I'm telling you, man,
I look at that motherfucker
like, whoo...

387
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:25,953
You don't even know the pressure
of being successful

388
00:22:25,996 --> 00:22:29,696
and abundance of being able
to do what the fuck
you wanted to do.

389
00:22:29,739 --> 00:22:32,699
And that brother
was able to navigate
and go through all that

390
00:22:32,742 --> 00:22:36,703
and never, ever,
ever been an embarrassment

391
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,575
to our fucking race.

392
00:22:39,619 --> 00:22:44,754
And he came through
what most of us come through,
a single black mother

393
00:22:44,798 --> 00:22:47,366
that got him all through
and to hold on his own.

394
00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:50,325
You will never see
no motherfucker do that again.

395
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,153
Talk about,
'cause most of the time,

396
00:22:52,196 --> 00:22:55,461
when they get that light on 'em,
you know what happens.

397
00:22:55,504 --> 00:22:58,159
And the first thing they say,
"I never had no father."

398
00:23:00,074 --> 00:23:02,555
Well, nigga, you knew
you had no father
a long time ago.

399
00:23:03,556 --> 00:23:05,079
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

400
00:23:07,473 --> 00:23:09,039
Your father didn't
just leave today.

401
00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:14,436
These ain't jokes.

402
00:23:16,133 --> 00:23:18,701
LeBron. Shaq is another
motherfucker ain't had
no father.

403
00:23:18,745 --> 00:23:22,183
That's what made me go
to the YMCA

404
00:23:22,226 --> 00:23:26,187
and all these AAU tournaments
and be looking for these kids
without fathers.

405
00:23:28,276 --> 00:23:29,538
[ALL LAUGHING]

406
00:23:30,670 --> 00:23:31,714
Fuck the stock market.

407
00:23:33,803 --> 00:23:37,590
Catch that nigga when he eight,
I could pay for these shoes
till they go pro.

408
00:23:37,633 --> 00:23:39,635
Look at his mama,
he need a man in his life.

409
00:23:42,812 --> 00:23:44,597
I've got my Jordans on

410
00:23:45,467 --> 00:23:47,338
and all I wanna say,

411
00:23:47,382 --> 00:23:49,819
I know Mike ain't played
in these motherfuckers.

412
00:23:51,821 --> 00:23:53,475
These bitches
be killing my feet.

413
00:23:55,172 --> 00:23:57,305
I know this nigga
ain't put out 36.

414
00:23:58,611 --> 00:24:00,395
[LAUGHING] Knees, motherfucker!

415
00:24:05,661 --> 00:24:09,796
I know how women be feeling too
'cause really, right now,
I feel like I need some flats.

416
00:24:10,927 --> 00:24:12,929
[ALL LAUGHING]

417
00:24:15,236 --> 00:24:17,064
But I wanna look cute,
so look at this.

418
00:24:19,196 --> 00:24:22,156
I really could use
some slippers.

419
00:24:22,199 --> 00:24:24,811
These corns, like,
come on, nigga,
how long we got?

420
00:24:29,293 --> 00:24:30,947
I'll be seeing women [CHUCKLES]

421
00:24:30,991 --> 00:24:33,515
holding and taking their shoes
and putting them flats on.

422
00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:35,299
I ain't got no problem with it.

423
00:24:35,343 --> 00:24:37,780
'Cause every time
I put these Js on,

424
00:24:37,824 --> 00:24:39,565
I'd be wantin'
to carry some slippers.

425
00:24:45,614 --> 00:24:47,224
Dr. Dre got his divorce.

426
00:24:50,314 --> 00:24:52,578
Some women be...
They out their
motherfucking mind.

427
00:24:53,927 --> 00:24:57,626
She said she wanted
a million dollars a month.

428
00:24:57,670 --> 00:25:00,847
She's... They said to her,
look, itemize why
you need a million.

429
00:25:00,890 --> 00:25:05,199
And she said $200,000
is for entertainment. I said...

430
00:25:05,242 --> 00:25:07,767
This motherfucker must be having
a concert to herself.

431
00:25:08,681 --> 00:25:10,073
[ALL LAUGHING]

432
00:25:12,336 --> 00:25:15,339
One million dollars!

433
00:25:15,383 --> 00:25:16,819
I remember I was going through
my divorce,

434
00:25:16,863 --> 00:25:19,518
my wife was like,
"I want $50,000 a month."

435
00:25:19,561 --> 00:25:21,041
I said "I'll quit first.

436
00:25:23,260 --> 00:25:24,958
"You heard
the last joke, bitch."

437
00:25:29,745 --> 00:25:32,531
I'll start working
at McDonald's.

438
00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:34,358
Nigga like,
"Ain't that Earthquake?"

439
00:25:34,402 --> 00:25:38,928
"Nigga, do you want
a number two or do you
want a number three?

440
00:25:38,972 --> 00:25:41,496
"Take a picture and let her know
I'm really working here.

441
00:25:42,453 --> 00:25:43,454
"Post that shit."

442
00:25:46,153 --> 00:25:49,069
That divorce
is some hard-ass shit.

443
00:25:49,112 --> 00:25:53,726
You know it.
There's motherfuckers in here
right now contemplating divorce.

444
00:25:53,769 --> 00:25:57,120
When you look over there
and say "Well, I really do love
my truck and my dog."

445
00:25:57,817 --> 00:25:59,079
[ALL LAUGHING]

446
00:26:01,081 --> 00:26:02,256
"I'm gonna stay with her."

447
00:26:07,522 --> 00:26:08,523
These ain't jokes.

448
00:26:10,699 --> 00:26:13,397
Some of y'all in here right now
more miserable than
a motherfucker.

449
00:26:14,790 --> 00:26:16,662
And that pandemic
really fucked you up

450
00:26:17,663 --> 00:26:20,709
because you ain't had no outlet.

451
00:26:20,753 --> 00:26:24,060
You just in this
motherfucker. "What's up?"
"You know what's up."

452
00:26:28,412 --> 00:26:30,589
I don't know about
any other woman,

453
00:26:30,632 --> 00:26:33,417
but when a black woman
mad at you that motherfucker
let everybody in the world know.

454
00:26:33,461 --> 00:26:37,073
They be on the phone talking
to you... Talking to people
like you ain't even there.

455
00:26:38,553 --> 00:26:41,208
"Yeah, girl, I don't know
how long I can put up with this.

456
00:26:43,340 --> 00:26:44,603
"I didn't sign up for this.

457
00:26:46,039 --> 00:26:47,518
"Bad dick and struggling.

458
00:26:49,869 --> 00:26:51,218
"Where they do that at?"

459
00:26:52,393 --> 00:26:54,221
[ALL LAUGHING]

460
00:26:56,571 --> 00:26:58,007
I should have stayed with Craig.

461
00:27:02,055 --> 00:27:03,883
Should've stayed motherfucking
with Craig.

462
00:27:04,927 --> 00:27:06,450
Women do that shit.

463
00:27:06,494 --> 00:27:07,538
Some people don't.

464
00:27:08,583 --> 00:27:10,541
Find that right woman, you good.

465
00:27:10,585 --> 00:27:13,283
Fuck with the wrong nigga,
you're going to end up
living with your mom.

466
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:18,941
And pandemic let your ass know
that shit happen too.

467
00:27:18,985 --> 00:27:21,509
-You just stuck there, like,
"God damn!"
-[WOMAN IN AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

468
00:27:21,552 --> 00:27:22,728
Oh, she know it.

469
00:27:23,946 --> 00:27:26,949
I can feel her fucking,
like, whoo!

470
00:27:26,993 --> 00:27:30,692
Just let me get a raise
'cause I'm gonna leave
this motherfucker.

471
00:27:30,736 --> 00:27:32,520
Can't do it right now,
gas too high.

472
00:27:34,391 --> 00:27:36,959
Know what I mean?
If gas go up one more
motherfucking penny,

473
00:27:37,003 --> 00:27:39,440
I'm telling you,
I'mma vote for Trump.

474
00:27:44,445 --> 00:27:45,751
It's a joke, motherfucker.

475
00:27:49,406 --> 00:27:51,539
Gas is high.
Now, you gotta make up excuses.

476
00:27:53,497 --> 00:27:55,108
My son, like,
"Daddy, give me
a ride to school."

477
00:27:55,151 --> 00:27:57,501
I said, "I would nigga,
but I ain't going that way."

478
00:27:58,502 --> 00:27:59,808
[ALL LAUGHING]

479
00:28:01,549 --> 00:28:03,507
"I gotta make that right,
you need to go left.

480
00:28:05,031 --> 00:28:08,599
"I just got enough time
to make my appointment."

481
00:28:12,081 --> 00:28:15,650
That's the hardest shit
when you go through
a divorce, too.

482
00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:18,131
'Cause you're going through...
It's really...

483
00:28:18,174 --> 00:28:21,221
'Cause you...
Especially if you've got kids,

484
00:28:21,264 --> 00:28:23,397
'Cause you're sitting there,
you gotta protect
their interests,

485
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,181
you wanna let them know

486
00:28:25,225 --> 00:28:28,358
"It ain't got nothing to do
with you.

487
00:28:28,402 --> 00:28:30,447
"Just me and your
motherfucking mama."

488
00:28:33,189 --> 00:28:36,497
Ain't compatible, that's all.

489
00:28:36,540 --> 00:28:41,197
I'm a strong believer
that you can be a father
without being a husband,

490
00:28:41,241 --> 00:28:43,722
boyfriend, or even a friend.

491
00:28:45,158 --> 00:28:46,986
What we supposed to do
is co-parent

492
00:28:47,029 --> 00:28:50,250
and be in the best interests
of our child.

493
00:28:50,293 --> 00:28:53,253
Some of y'all women
be holding your kids
like hostages,

494
00:28:54,341 --> 00:28:56,909
feeling it's a package deal.

495
00:28:56,952 --> 00:29:00,260
And see, I'm a real nigga.
I do not negotiate
with terrorists.

496
00:29:01,130 --> 00:29:02,828
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

497
00:29:06,222 --> 00:29:07,223
No, I don't.

498
00:29:09,443 --> 00:29:12,141
But you have to do
what you have to do.

499
00:29:12,185 --> 00:29:15,405
You have to show your child
that it is

500
00:29:17,364 --> 00:29:20,323
the love of them
that's the most important
in your life.

501
00:29:20,367 --> 00:29:23,065
So no matter what she do to you,

502
00:29:23,109 --> 00:29:26,329
you, as a man supposed
to brush that shit off,

503
00:29:26,373 --> 00:29:28,418
And the reason why you
supposed to brush shit off

504
00:29:28,462 --> 00:29:30,420
because, to be quite honest
with you,

505
00:29:30,464 --> 00:29:33,902
all men are accountable
for the decision they make.

506
00:29:33,946 --> 00:29:37,210
And you decided to marry
that motherfucker.

507
00:29:37,253 --> 00:29:39,168
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

508
00:29:39,212 --> 00:29:43,172
And you decided to go roll up
in that motherfucker.

509
00:29:43,216 --> 00:29:45,871
Send your dick in there
like Rambo with no backup.

510
00:29:48,830 --> 00:29:53,443
So you must take on
the responsibility
that comes along with it.

511
00:29:54,444 --> 00:29:56,838
And I never had no problem
with it.

512
00:29:56,882 --> 00:29:59,188
My son is in here somewhere now.

513
00:29:59,232 --> 00:30:01,756
That's my motherfucking man,
me and him.

514
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,499
Spend a million dollars
just to see that nigga Tuesdays,
Wednesdays and Thursdays,

515
00:30:07,457 --> 00:30:09,808
No, that was...
Nigga, these ain't jokes.

516
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:14,334
And then, that was...
That was...

517
00:30:14,377 --> 00:30:16,945
Visitation rights for me
to see my son

518
00:30:16,989 --> 00:30:19,556
Tuesday, Wednesdays
and Thursday, 2:00-6:00.

519
00:30:21,341 --> 00:30:23,517
I remember one time
I took him home about 6:30.

520
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:26,172
We was having a good time
at Chuck E. Cheese.

521
00:30:26,215 --> 00:30:30,176
And when I got there,
police was there and everything.

522
00:30:30,219 --> 00:30:31,655
Her lawyer was there.

523
00:30:31,699 --> 00:30:35,572
I had violated my court order.

524
00:30:35,616 --> 00:30:38,488
Yeah, because I was supposed
to have him at 6:00.

525
00:30:38,532 --> 00:30:42,362
If you don't bring them back
at 6:00, and I brought him
back at 6:30,

526
00:30:42,405 --> 00:30:45,974
you are in violation
and you are in contempt.

527
00:30:46,018 --> 00:30:47,802
And then that's when
they call their lawyer,

528
00:30:48,455 --> 00:30:49,456
which you pay for.

529
00:30:50,413 --> 00:30:51,675
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

530
00:30:52,415 --> 00:30:54,417
No, real talk.

531
00:30:54,461 --> 00:30:57,420
And they do this shit
called ex parte.

532
00:30:57,464 --> 00:31:02,034
Ex partemeans I need
to see the judge today.

533
00:31:02,077 --> 00:31:05,994
Right now. And since
I got all the money,
in the state of California,

534
00:31:06,038 --> 00:31:08,344
you must pay,
when you go through divorce,

535
00:31:09,215 --> 00:31:12,740
each counsel's fee.

536
00:31:12,783 --> 00:31:16,439
And you must... She must have
equal counsel such as yours.

537
00:31:16,483 --> 00:31:21,096
So if you have
a $500-an-hour lawyer,

538
00:31:21,140 --> 00:31:23,185
she must have
a $500-an-hour.

539
00:31:24,056 --> 00:31:26,188
So if you 30 minutes late,

540
00:31:26,232 --> 00:31:30,671
and they say that it's
ex parte, and you're in
violation of your court order,

541
00:31:30,714 --> 00:31:34,718
her lawyer come down,
it's a minimum charge
of four hours.

542
00:31:34,762 --> 00:31:36,982
So that's five...
That's two stacks.

543
00:31:37,025 --> 00:31:39,636
Then there's a minimum
of four hours for mine

544
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,117
That's a new $2,000.

545
00:31:42,161 --> 00:31:44,293
It's $5,000 to the court.

546
00:31:44,337 --> 00:31:45,991
And we ain't even sayin' shit.

547
00:31:48,428 --> 00:31:51,518
So you there the whole
motherfucking time,
the clock is just ticking.

548
00:31:51,561 --> 00:31:53,128
And you can see the judge.

549
00:31:53,172 --> 00:31:57,567
Judge said "Why did you
bring him home late?

550
00:31:57,611 --> 00:32:00,309
I said "We was having
a good time.

551
00:32:00,353 --> 00:32:03,008
"He said "If you do it again,
I'mma hold you in contempt

552
00:32:03,051 --> 00:32:05,097
"and I'mma fine you."
I was, like, bet.

553
00:32:05,140 --> 00:32:08,752
So me and my son,
when he was young,
was hanging,

554
00:32:08,796 --> 00:32:11,625
it get, like, 5:55,
I just push that nigga
in the yard.

555
00:32:11,668 --> 00:32:14,149
"Go on, get in there."

556
00:32:14,193 --> 00:32:16,151
He said, "Daddy."
"Mmm-mmm, hug me from here.

557
00:32:18,806 --> 00:32:20,416
"Costs 10,000 dollars
to keep you late."

558
00:32:22,766 --> 00:32:25,204
Kids are crazy, man.

559
00:32:25,247 --> 00:32:28,163
I got a friend.
He brought his kids
some clothes for Christmas.

560
00:32:28,207 --> 00:32:30,861
Kids looked at him
and said, "That ain't
no motherfucking gift.

561
00:32:32,298 --> 00:32:33,952
"You supposed to buy me clothes.

562
00:32:36,302 --> 00:32:37,607
"Where's the Xbox?

563
00:32:39,044 --> 00:32:40,349
"How you gonna get clothes?"

564
00:32:42,003 --> 00:32:44,005
And these young people
don't pay shit.

565
00:32:45,137 --> 00:32:47,095
They get over on everything.

566
00:32:47,139 --> 00:32:49,271
I feel like a sucker
'cause I got cable.

567
00:32:50,794 --> 00:32:52,144
My son ain't got no cable,

568
00:32:52,187 --> 00:32:55,408
nigga, he get the fights
and everything for free.

569
00:32:55,451 --> 00:32:58,237
I was, like, "Is the fight on?"
[MIMICS TYPING]

570
00:32:58,280 --> 00:32:59,629
He watching it, nigga.

571
00:32:59,673 --> 00:33:01,370
I just paid $80.

572
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:05,244
You feel like a sucker.

573
00:33:05,287 --> 00:33:07,986
That's how you do it
all the time.

574
00:33:08,029 --> 00:33:11,685
He living, I call him Lil Duval
'cause this motherfucker's
living his best life.

575
00:33:13,208 --> 00:33:16,559
And I'm so proud of him.
'Cause I told him, boy,

576
00:33:16,603 --> 00:33:20,737
I'd be doing
the same shit he doing
if I had a father like me.

577
00:33:23,044 --> 00:33:27,440
You see, my mother lived
with my grandmother.

578
00:33:27,483 --> 00:33:31,052
She told her
"Do not have another child.

579
00:33:31,096 --> 00:33:32,488
"You're already at four.

580
00:33:32,532 --> 00:33:35,752
"Number five ain't coming
in this motherfucker."

581
00:33:35,796 --> 00:33:37,189
And guess who was number five?

582
00:33:37,493 --> 00:33:38,494
Me.

583
00:33:39,887 --> 00:33:41,976
So when she got pregnant
with me,

584
00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:44,022
my grandmother said
"Listen to me,

585
00:33:44,065 --> 00:33:47,851
"soon as he able to walk,
he gonna walk [CHUCKLES]
the fuck up out of here."

586
00:33:52,726 --> 00:33:55,816
So I started taking
my first step.

587
00:33:55,859 --> 00:33:59,211
My grandmama seen it
and said "He gotta go."

588
00:33:59,254 --> 00:34:01,213
My brothers are like,
"We tried to tell you,
nigga, crawl.

589
00:34:01,256 --> 00:34:05,347
"But you just had to show
Madea you can walk."

590
00:34:06,087 --> 00:34:07,045
These ain't jokes.

591
00:34:10,265 --> 00:34:14,704
Had to go. So she gave me
to her sister, which is my aunt,

592
00:34:14,748 --> 00:34:17,055
what I call as my mother,

593
00:34:17,098 --> 00:34:19,405
and said "Hold on to my child
till I get on my feet."

594
00:34:20,841 --> 00:34:23,278
As her sister, older, says,
"Sure, I'll have it."

595
00:34:23,322 --> 00:34:25,411
Her sister was doing well.
She had a husband.

596
00:34:26,629 --> 00:34:28,327
And she had two kids.

597
00:34:28,370 --> 00:34:31,939
But she was able to have a man
to marry her with her two kids.

598
00:34:31,982 --> 00:34:34,159
I didn't know none of this shit
until I was older.

599
00:34:35,551 --> 00:34:38,032
And my... My...
Not my biological mother,

600
00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:40,904
but the woman that raised me
was a bad motherfucker.

601
00:34:41,818 --> 00:34:44,212
As a woman.

602
00:34:44,256 --> 00:34:48,782
So when she raised me
and had me and had me there
the whole time,

603
00:34:48,825 --> 00:34:52,916
my mother finally
got on her feet
and got her own place.

604
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,701
By that time,
I was about six years old.

605
00:34:54,744 --> 00:34:57,269
She came to get me
and she had one more child.

606
00:34:57,312 --> 00:34:59,488
So we came in here.
I used to see my brothers
all the time.

607
00:34:59,532 --> 00:35:03,753
She said, "Okay,
I want you to live
with me now."

608
00:35:03,797 --> 00:35:06,800
And when I went in there,
my brothers was in bunk beds.

609
00:35:06,843 --> 00:35:09,890
-They only had...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

610
00:35:09,933 --> 00:35:11,326
They ain't had their own room.

611
00:35:11,370 --> 00:35:13,023
I had my own room over at her's.

612
00:35:16,288 --> 00:35:17,767
I was the only boy.

613
00:35:18,812 --> 00:35:20,205
I was living good.

614
00:35:22,250 --> 00:35:27,647
So my mother said...
She said "Come on,
I want you to live with me."

615
00:35:27,690 --> 00:35:30,650
You know, being a comedian...
I didn't know I was a comedian,
but I knew.

616
00:35:30,693 --> 00:35:34,697
I was like "Nah,
I'm gonna stay where I'm at.

617
00:35:36,830 --> 00:35:39,137
"Grandma was right.
You got to get
your shit together."

618
00:35:40,050 --> 00:35:41,748
[ALL LAUGHING]

619
00:35:43,967 --> 00:35:45,621
"Get your ass outta here!"

620
00:35:49,756 --> 00:35:50,757
So I lived

621
00:35:52,715 --> 00:35:55,718
with my aunt,
which I called my mother.

622
00:35:55,762 --> 00:36:00,680
And it was great
'cause I get to hang out
with my brothers.

623
00:36:00,723 --> 00:36:04,205
They lived in the hard part
of town, Southeast DC.

624
00:36:04,249 --> 00:36:06,860
And I lived kinda
in the suburbs, nigga.

625
00:36:06,903 --> 00:36:09,776
So I'd get to go over there,
see the action,

626
00:36:09,819 --> 00:36:10,951
but don't have to
stay over there.

627
00:36:13,519 --> 00:36:15,956
See, I was bounced
from both homes
and shit like that,

628
00:36:15,999 --> 00:36:18,785
When one motherfucker
make you mad,
you run over there.

629
00:36:18,828 --> 00:36:21,657
Other motherfucker make you mad,
you run back over there.

630
00:36:21,701 --> 00:36:23,093
Do all that kind of shit.

631
00:36:23,137 --> 00:36:25,183
But I was getting hell
from my cousins,

632
00:36:25,226 --> 00:36:27,968
who was my aunt's...
Her two children.

633
00:36:28,011 --> 00:36:31,406
Them motherfuckers was just,
why don't you move back
with your family?

634
00:36:33,278 --> 00:36:36,324
We found you
on the railroad tracks.

635
00:36:36,368 --> 00:36:41,982
I said "I don't give a fuck
where you found me,
I ain't leaving, nigga."

636
00:36:42,025 --> 00:36:45,464
And they used to say that shit
all the time, they didn't...
Didn't cover nothing.

637
00:36:45,507 --> 00:36:47,117
What really made me mad is,

638
00:36:47,161 --> 00:36:50,556
I did not know my uncle,
which was married to my aunt,

639
00:36:50,599 --> 00:36:52,906
that those was not his kids.

640
00:36:53,950 --> 00:36:55,387
Had I known that,

641
00:36:56,779 --> 00:36:58,390
I'd have wore their ass out.

642
00:36:59,782 --> 00:37:01,088
We both in this bitch lucky.

643
00:37:04,918 --> 00:37:07,529
But they ain't tell me that shit
till I was like in my 30s.

644
00:37:07,573 --> 00:37:10,097
I was madder
than a motherfucker.

645
00:37:10,140 --> 00:37:13,796
I said "You're gonna
tell me... you're just
telling me this shit?

646
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:16,059
You know, I could've fought
these motherfuckers."

647
00:37:18,758 --> 00:37:22,762
UFC fight, I love that shit.
But that's some brutal-ass shit.

648
00:37:22,805 --> 00:37:25,852
I watch UFC and I'm like,
there's gotta be a better way
to get a check.

649
00:37:28,594 --> 00:37:31,205
These niggas, motherfuckers
be elbowing... [GRUNTS]

650
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:32,946
And then shake hands
after it's over.

651
00:37:33,816 --> 00:37:35,818
Nigga, you crazy.

652
00:37:35,862 --> 00:37:38,604
I'd be looking at the ref,
"Take these gloves off.

653
00:37:38,647 --> 00:37:40,823
"'Cause I'm gonna get a pistol.

654
00:37:40,867 --> 00:37:43,696
"I'm gonna shoot this nigga.
Look what he did to my eye.

655
00:37:45,393 --> 00:37:46,612
"I ain't shaking his hand.

656
00:37:47,177 --> 00:37:49,571
"Fuck him!"

657
00:37:49,615 --> 00:37:52,705
One thing I wanna
say to any fighters
that's watching this shit,

658
00:37:52,748 --> 00:37:55,534
I don't wanna hear
about your bios no more.

659
00:37:55,577 --> 00:37:58,580
"I grew up without a father...
[MIMICS WHINING]

660
00:37:58,624 --> 00:38:01,235
"And I got out of jail..."
Fuck all that!

661
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:03,281
I don't wanna hear...
I only got two questions
for you.

662
00:38:03,324 --> 00:38:05,805
Can you fight
and are you gonna fight tonight?

663
00:38:07,937 --> 00:38:11,027
I don't want to hear nothing
about your woman and...
Fuck all that!

664
00:38:12,768 --> 00:38:14,857
As soon as you do
all the... [WHINING]

665
00:38:14,901 --> 00:38:17,164
Nigga, fall out.

666
00:38:17,207 --> 00:38:18,905
Tired of it.
And another thing I'm tired of,

667
00:38:18,948 --> 00:38:22,691
stop bringing your kids
and your wife to the fight.

668
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:27,000
You in there
getting your ass whooped

669
00:38:27,043 --> 00:38:28,001
in front of your children.

670
00:38:30,351 --> 00:38:33,311
You ain't gonna never discipline
that nigga again.

671
00:38:36,139 --> 00:38:38,838
You look at your son
"Take the trash out!"

672
00:38:38,881 --> 00:38:41,797
"You ain't said that shit
to that nigga last night.

673
00:38:41,841 --> 00:38:44,452
"He was whooping
your motherfucking ass.

674
00:38:44,496 --> 00:38:46,715
"It's easy for you to jump
on a little eight-year-old"

675
00:38:51,764 --> 00:38:54,375
You know, we all on edge
about this school shooting.

676
00:38:55,985 --> 00:38:58,379
I was scared one time, though.

677
00:38:58,423 --> 00:39:02,122
I turned on the TV...
I was sleeping,
I turned on the TV.

678
00:39:02,165 --> 00:39:06,474
And I see
my little nephew's school
was on the TV.

679
00:39:06,518 --> 00:39:10,739
They said "We have
a random shooter in the school."

680
00:39:10,783 --> 00:39:12,959
I said "Oh, shit!
That's my nephew's school.

681
00:39:13,002 --> 00:39:14,613
"Oh, shit!" They said...

682
00:39:16,005 --> 00:39:19,444
"The gunman is shooting
students in the library."

683
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:21,533
I went back to sleep.

684
00:39:23,448 --> 00:39:25,014
I said "I know
he ain't in there.

685
00:39:26,407 --> 00:39:27,626
"I've seen his grades.

686
00:39:30,063 --> 00:39:32,108
"If he got shot in there,
that's God's will."

687
00:39:32,152 --> 00:39:33,893
[ALL LAUGHING]

688
00:39:39,028 --> 00:39:41,379
'Cause he never go in there,
God wanted this to happen.

689
00:39:42,467 --> 00:39:43,946
You can't fight
against the Lord.

690
00:39:47,820 --> 00:39:49,125
Went back to sleep.

691
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:52,215
I was up, I was nervous.

692
00:39:52,259 --> 00:39:55,175
But when they said the gunman
was shooting people
in the library,

693
00:39:55,218 --> 00:39:56,524
no, he wouldn't be there.

694
00:39:57,482 --> 00:39:59,788
[CHUCKLING]

695
00:40:01,486 --> 00:40:03,096
Out back, smoking a blunt? Yeah.

696
00:40:05,881 --> 00:40:07,535
But there's a new drug
out here, man.

697
00:40:07,579 --> 00:40:10,103
Sweeping the country,
I'm telling you right now,

698
00:40:10,146 --> 00:40:12,975
more powerful than crack,

699
00:40:13,672 --> 00:40:15,674
fentanyl.

700
00:40:15,717 --> 00:40:18,764
Shit is called Amazon.

701
00:40:18,807 --> 00:40:20,330
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

702
00:40:24,857 --> 00:40:28,295
You really got it bad
when you Prime, nigga.
You Prime!

703
00:40:28,338 --> 00:40:31,907
You don't even go to the store
no more. Fuck the grocery store!

704
00:40:31,951 --> 00:40:34,432
Have this shit by tomorrow.

705
00:40:34,475 --> 00:40:37,957
Trucks be pulling up.
Damn, that's an ugly driver.

706
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:40,438
You ain't got
no fine motherfucker
to bring this shit?

707
00:40:42,352 --> 00:40:44,572
I was terrible.
I had only one good job.

708
00:40:47,532 --> 00:40:48,968
My brother still works.

709
00:40:49,011 --> 00:40:51,057
This motherfucker always
trying to get unemployment.

710
00:40:54,626 --> 00:40:56,541
White dude was smart this time.

711
00:40:56,628 --> 00:41:01,110
His last supervisor said,
"Tyrone, you could quit,
but I ain't firing you."

712
00:41:05,811 --> 00:41:08,291
He'd be out back
smoking a blunt.

713
00:41:08,335 --> 00:41:10,468
"Fire me!"
"Mmm-mmm, put it out
and come on in."

714
00:41:12,165 --> 00:41:13,601
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

715
00:41:16,343 --> 00:41:18,345
"We need
these cheesesteaks fixed."

716
00:41:20,956 --> 00:41:23,219
"Fire me, motherfucker!"

717
00:41:23,263 --> 00:41:25,221
"You could quit, Tyrone,
but I ain't firing you."

718
00:41:28,660 --> 00:41:30,618
Working is some hard
motherfucking shit.

719
00:41:30,662 --> 00:41:34,013
I don't know why people tell you
you get some good feeling
from working.

720
00:41:36,015 --> 00:41:39,018
I was
in the military, man, and...

721
00:41:39,061 --> 00:41:41,063
One of the best times
in my life,

722
00:41:41,107 --> 00:41:43,109
but one of the most
scariest times in life

723
00:41:43,152 --> 00:41:49,332
'cause I am the only man
in the United States
whose name is in the Pentagon

724
00:41:49,376 --> 00:41:53,206
for dropping a nuclear weapon
in the United States.

725
00:41:54,773 --> 00:41:55,904
These are not jokes.

726
00:41:57,993 --> 00:42:02,911
I'm a 462 SAC Air Command.
Loaded nuclear weapons
in the B-52s

727
00:42:02,955 --> 00:42:05,566
in Barksdale Air Force
when I first got...

728
00:42:05,610 --> 00:42:08,221
Left my mama house.

729
00:42:08,264 --> 00:42:12,094
Now, if you know anything
about nuclear ordnances,

730
00:42:12,138 --> 00:42:13,792
we have three ways to do 'em.

731
00:42:13,835 --> 00:42:17,622
We send them through the air,
through submarines,

732
00:42:17,665 --> 00:42:19,580
and, of course, silos.

733
00:42:19,624 --> 00:42:24,063
Well, my job was loading
nuclear weapons on B-52s.

734
00:42:24,890 --> 00:42:27,327
Now, you know...

735
00:42:31,766 --> 00:42:38,120
All my life, all the good
things and bad things,
have a common denominator,

736
00:42:39,034 --> 00:42:40,079
women.

737
00:42:41,515 --> 00:42:44,649
And this story is no different.

738
00:42:44,692 --> 00:42:48,130
I'm in, you know...
Back in the day,
I'm loading nuclear weapons.

739
00:42:48,174 --> 00:42:52,265
And, you know, we supposed to
exchange the nuclear weapons,

740
00:42:52,308 --> 00:42:55,442
the ordnance in the B-52s
every 30 days.

741
00:42:55,485 --> 00:42:57,836
The reason why you change
the ordnance is because

742
00:42:57,879 --> 00:43:00,055
the Russians
have spy satellites.

743
00:43:00,099 --> 00:43:03,842
Spies tell them
which bombs are in which planes.

744
00:43:03,885 --> 00:43:06,801
And if they know which
ordnance is in each plane,

745
00:43:06,845 --> 00:43:10,500
they know the capability
of the plane of the mission.

746
00:43:10,544 --> 00:43:13,808
So they tell us, every 30 days,
to change the ordnance.

747
00:43:13,852 --> 00:43:15,288
So, undercover...

748
00:43:15,331 --> 00:43:18,465
So the Russians don't know
which plane got what.

749
00:43:18,508 --> 00:43:21,599
When that nuke...
When we, what we call...

750
00:43:21,642 --> 00:43:26,560
When a plane takes off
and it has a nuke in it,
that means it is war.

751
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:29,998
Because against
the Geneva Treaty,
you cannot fly a plane

752
00:43:30,042 --> 00:43:31,870
with a hot ordnance in it.

753
00:43:32,087 --> 00:43:35,874
So what we do all the time,
every time, we do, like,
an elephant walk,

754
00:43:35,917 --> 00:43:38,659
That's where the planes
just go around the flight line,

755
00:43:38,703 --> 00:43:41,401
come on back
and park back right there.

756
00:43:41,444 --> 00:43:43,446
They used to tell women
all the time,

757
00:43:43,577 --> 00:43:45,971
sometimes you don't know
if it's an elephant walk
or they really gonna take off.

758
00:43:46,014 --> 00:43:47,233
That's just the exercise.

759
00:43:47,276 --> 00:43:48,669
And I told the woman,
I said "Hey, look,

760
00:43:48,713 --> 00:43:50,758
"I know you're looking for
the man of your dreams,

761
00:43:50,802 --> 00:43:54,370
"but if that plane take off,
you might as well give me
that pussy tonight.

762
00:43:56,111 --> 00:43:58,766
"Because you only got
four hours.

763
00:43:58,810 --> 00:44:02,030
"And the man you want,
he might not be here.

764
00:44:02,074 --> 00:44:04,946
"And if he is, you ain't gonna
want him 'cause he's gonna
be burnt."

765
00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:10,212
These are not jokes.
It's true shit.

766
00:44:12,084 --> 00:44:13,172
So...

767
00:44:14,477 --> 00:44:16,479
Luke, you know what I mean?

768
00:44:16,523 --> 00:44:18,743
2 Live Crew, back in the day
when they first came out.

769
00:44:18,786 --> 00:44:21,484
You've seen them.
Luke had about 125 women.

770
00:44:21,528 --> 00:44:23,835
These motherfuckers was finer
than a motherfucker.

771
00:44:23,878 --> 00:44:26,185
And they was coming to our city.

772
00:44:26,228 --> 00:44:27,926
So I put on the board,

773
00:44:27,969 --> 00:44:31,364
I, Sergeant Stroman,
will not be here this Friday.

774
00:44:32,757 --> 00:44:35,020
I'm taking a day of leave
so I can see Luke.

775
00:44:35,063 --> 00:44:37,022
It's in one hour.
Nigga, I had my tickets
all ready.

776
00:44:37,065 --> 00:44:39,111
Pop That Coochie.
Doo Doo Brown,nigga.

777
00:44:40,895 --> 00:44:42,680
[CHUCKLES] Nigga, I'm coming
to see him.

778
00:44:42,723 --> 00:44:45,204
We got ugly chicks
where I live at.
These are Miami motherfuckers.

779
00:44:49,687 --> 00:44:51,993
Thursday come,
I look at the schedule.

780
00:44:52,037 --> 00:44:55,867
Whose fucking name is up
for rotating the munitions

781
00:44:56,998 --> 00:44:58,957
on the plane? Sergeant Stroman.

782
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:03,004
I said "Hey, First Sergeant.
I was supposed to have
this day off.

783
00:45:03,048 --> 00:45:04,876
He said "I know,
we got people sick.

784
00:45:04,919 --> 00:45:07,879
"All you gotta do,
Sergeant Stroman,
just come in tomorrow,

785
00:45:07,922 --> 00:45:10,316
"change the nuke,
and you can leave
and go see Luke."

786
00:45:11,970 --> 00:45:13,058
Now I'm pissed off.

787
00:45:13,101 --> 00:45:15,016
I'm not the type of person

788
00:45:15,060 --> 00:45:17,976
to do shit that
they don't wanna do.
And I'm not gonna do it right.

789
00:45:22,502 --> 00:45:25,810
So, of course,
they got a checklist
that you supposed to check

790
00:45:25,853 --> 00:45:29,552
and make sure you do
all the necessary precautions
to put this nuke up.

791
00:45:29,596 --> 00:45:32,468
Hey, I done this shit
for 30 God damn times.

792
00:45:32,512 --> 00:45:34,166
I don't need that checklist.

793
00:45:34,209 --> 00:45:37,082
Come on, let's put
this bitch up
so I can go see Luke.

794
00:45:37,125 --> 00:45:40,346
We put it up under
the bomb bay of the B-52.
We put it in there.

795
00:45:40,389 --> 00:45:43,088
Now, they're supposed to have
four grease fittings
that put it in.

796
00:45:43,958 --> 00:45:45,177
Supposed to check all four.

797
00:45:45,220 --> 00:45:46,744
I'm in a rush.

798
00:45:46,787 --> 00:45:47,745
Only two got in there.

799
00:45:49,877 --> 00:45:51,749
True story.

800
00:45:51,792 --> 00:45:54,708
So I bring the rack down,
thinking I got four
but only two there,

801
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:58,451
move the rack out,
then I hear...
[MIMICS CREAKING NOISE]

802
00:45:58,494 --> 00:46:00,932
Bam! Then the motherfucker
just came and hit the ground.

803
00:46:00,975 --> 00:46:02,585
Boom!

804
00:46:02,629 --> 00:46:03,804
Everybody started running.

805
00:46:05,414 --> 00:46:07,547
I'm, like "What the fuck
you running for?"

806
00:46:07,590 --> 00:46:09,505
This a nuke.

807
00:46:09,549 --> 00:46:12,900
This motherfucker about
to take out the whole country.

808
00:46:12,944 --> 00:46:15,468
I don't give a fuck
how fast you is, you can't
outrun a nuke.

809
00:46:19,733 --> 00:46:21,430
I'm being a black man
covering my own ass.

810
00:46:21,474 --> 00:46:24,346
I started taking
the grease pencil,
checking the shit.

811
00:46:24,390 --> 00:46:26,305
Saying, yeah,
I did all these checks.

812
00:46:28,263 --> 00:46:29,221
Covering my ass.

813
00:46:30,483 --> 00:46:31,484
True story.

814
00:46:33,399 --> 00:46:37,359
All of a sudden,
you see ambulance...

815
00:46:37,403 --> 00:46:41,276
I mean, trucks coming.

816
00:46:41,320 --> 00:46:43,409
Base Commander coming,
all them motherfuckers coming.

817
00:46:43,452 --> 00:46:44,932
They done woke up the President.

818
00:46:44,976 --> 00:46:47,021
We have had a Broken Arrow...

819
00:46:49,415 --> 00:46:50,808
for a nigga trying to see Luke.

820
00:46:51,678 --> 00:46:52,984
[ALL LAUGHING]

821
00:46:57,118 --> 00:46:59,425
Base Commander coming in here,
he's a two-star general.

822
00:46:59,468 --> 00:47:01,775
He know he ain't gonna get
his third now

823
00:47:01,819 --> 00:47:06,562
'cause he done had a nuke fall
under his motherfucking watch.

824
00:47:06,606 --> 00:47:08,782
He cussing me out,
calling me everything

825
00:47:09,652 --> 00:47:10,653
but a child of God.

826
00:47:11,785 --> 00:47:13,526
I ain't hearing none
of that shit.

827
00:47:13,569 --> 00:47:16,137
All I'm hearing is,
"I ain't gonna get to see
these bitches.

828
00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:19,619
"This is bullshit."

829
00:47:19,662 --> 00:47:20,750
"I wasn't even supposed
to be here."

830
00:47:23,884 --> 00:47:26,887
So they grab
the checklist, give it to the
quality insurance inspector,

831
00:47:26,931 --> 00:47:29,803
make sure you followed
all the proper protocols on it,

832
00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:32,806
and they rushed all of us
to the hospital

833
00:47:32,850 --> 00:47:35,809
for blood analysis,
see if we were we on anything.

834
00:47:35,853 --> 00:47:38,507
They draw the blood
and everything.
Come back with my lab results.

835
00:47:38,551 --> 00:47:42,250
"He wasn't on anything
but incompetence."

836
00:47:42,294 --> 00:47:43,643
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

837
00:47:45,732 --> 00:47:47,865
So when I come back, they don't,
you know...

838
00:47:49,257 --> 00:47:51,520
They don't let me touch
no more planes.

839
00:47:52,782 --> 00:47:54,045
They put me in the snack bar.

840
00:47:57,222 --> 00:47:59,833
You seen the movie
in the snack bar.

841
00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:01,661
[CHUCKLES] The niggas
that come home from the war,

842
00:48:01,704 --> 00:48:03,968
he got the cocoa for him
and shit.

843
00:48:04,011 --> 00:48:06,535
"What's up, Bob?
It ain't nothing..."

844
00:48:06,579 --> 00:48:09,408
Got the towel on there,
wiping shit. That's me.

845
00:48:10,670 --> 00:48:12,106
All my friends laughing at me.

846
00:48:12,150 --> 00:48:13,891
"They won't let you
touch no missiles.

847
00:48:16,545 --> 00:48:18,112
"Your ass in the snack bar."

848
00:48:19,809 --> 00:48:22,029
And, see, I try to tell people,
that's how I am.

849
00:48:22,073 --> 00:48:23,422
See, I'm a factual person.

850
00:48:23,465 --> 00:48:25,598
Perceptually, never,
ever fuck with me.

851
00:48:25,641 --> 00:48:27,643
I deal with facts.

852
00:48:27,687 --> 00:48:30,777
And though I was
in the snack bar,
I was still winning.

853
00:48:30,820 --> 00:48:33,258
'Cause one thing
you might not know
about the military,

854
00:48:33,301 --> 00:48:34,912
though we fight communism,

855
00:48:35,738 --> 00:48:37,827
military practice it.

856
00:48:37,871 --> 00:48:41,483
And what I mean by that,
I was an E-5 at the time.

857
00:48:41,527 --> 00:48:46,140
Now the E-5 loading missiles,
which I was doing,

858
00:48:46,184 --> 00:48:50,840
get the same pay
as an E-5 at the snack bar.

859
00:48:51,798 --> 00:48:52,973
[ALL LAUGHING]

860
00:48:54,801 --> 00:48:56,107
So... [CHUCKLES]

861
00:48:56,150 --> 00:48:58,326
So who would you rather be?

862
00:49:00,372 --> 00:49:04,158
The motherfucker inside
that's passing out doughnuts

863
00:49:04,202 --> 00:49:06,726
or the motherfucker
out there all night,
just putting up missiles?

864
00:49:09,033 --> 00:49:10,121
That's how it works.

865
00:49:11,818 --> 00:49:14,516
Like I told you all before,
my son, he's in here.

866
00:49:16,127 --> 00:49:18,216
And I love him to death.
One thing, I do love him,

867
00:49:18,259 --> 00:49:20,914
that I try to spend time
with him, he love it,
but I hate it...

868
00:49:22,220 --> 00:49:24,396
It's fishing.

869
00:49:24,439 --> 00:49:26,267
We go out and be out there
for eight hours,

870
00:49:26,311 --> 00:49:29,140
this motherfucker
catch two fish.

871
00:49:29,183 --> 00:49:33,231
I told him all the time,
"We just passed
all these fishmarkets.

872
00:49:33,274 --> 00:49:37,539
"We can go in that motherfucker
and get whatever fish
your heart desires of catching."

873
00:49:38,888 --> 00:49:42,327
[CHUCKLING]

874
00:49:42,370 --> 00:49:45,983
"If it makes you feel bad,
when I get home,
I'll put it on a hook for you.

875
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:50,988
"I'll run some water
in the sink,

876
00:49:51,031 --> 00:49:53,729
"you can get your rod
in that motherfucker,
and I'll put it in the sink,

877
00:49:53,773 --> 00:49:56,384
"and I'll hold the string
while you fight it for tension."

878
00:50:01,650 --> 00:50:02,695
These are not jokes.

879
00:50:05,872 --> 00:50:08,048
They've got this show
on TV. Extremely...

880
00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:13,967
Extremely fucking cheap people.

881
00:50:14,011 --> 00:50:16,100
Remind me of my brother,
that nigga is real cheap.

882
00:50:17,797 --> 00:50:20,060
But I'll see a lot of
people on that show
that's cheaper.

883
00:50:20,104 --> 00:50:23,063
Putting... Washing their clothes
in the pool.

884
00:50:24,630 --> 00:50:26,110
[ALL CHUCKLING]

885
00:50:27,285 --> 00:50:28,242
Y'all know who do that.

886
00:50:32,507 --> 00:50:35,728
My Caucasian brothers
and sisters.

887
00:50:35,771 --> 00:50:37,338
But they did have
a black man on there.

888
00:50:37,382 --> 00:50:39,949
I was surprised
that he had a woman.

889
00:50:39,993 --> 00:50:43,736
This motherfucker
was making his own liquor.

890
00:50:43,779 --> 00:50:47,435
Cooked his food
off the top of the heat
of his engine in his car.

891
00:50:49,133 --> 00:50:52,223
The sister was with him,
I said, whoo!

892
00:50:52,266 --> 00:50:55,052
She really... The pickings
must be real slim.

893
00:50:59,708 --> 00:51:01,014
But these ain't jokes.

894
00:51:02,494 --> 00:51:05,627
Gotta get rid
of this belly, though.

895
00:51:05,671 --> 00:51:08,065
Trying to work out
but the shit
just ain't working out.

896
00:51:10,197 --> 00:51:13,287
You don't know
how long a minute is until
you get on that treadmill.

897
00:51:15,550 --> 00:51:17,770
You be on that bitch,
"Damn, this a long song."

898
00:51:19,902 --> 00:51:21,730
I didn't even know
this song was so long.

899
00:51:24,081 --> 00:51:26,822
I mean, when I went
to the gym, nigga,

900
00:51:26,866 --> 00:51:30,565
I stayed on the treadmill,
they said I only lost
15 calories.

901
00:51:32,698 --> 00:51:34,265
I said "I ate that over here."

902
00:51:36,354 --> 00:51:38,573
Fucked around
and came to the gym
and gained weight.

903
00:51:46,755 --> 00:51:48,844
I remember, I was at the gym,
I was so motherfucking tired,

904
00:51:48,888 --> 00:51:50,977
nigga I called the Uber
from the gym.

905
00:51:52,457 --> 00:51:54,459
Like, he said, "Where you at?"
I said "I'm inside.

906
00:51:56,069 --> 00:51:58,158
"Come pick me up."

907
00:51:58,202 --> 00:52:01,205
"I'm beside this machine
called the Eucalis
or something, nigga.

908
00:52:01,248 --> 00:52:02,989
"Come pick a motherfucker up.

909
00:52:04,860 --> 00:52:06,166
"Give me a ride to my car.

910
00:52:08,951 --> 00:52:09,952
"My car outside."

911
00:52:14,479 --> 00:52:16,307
I smell food
and gain weight, nigga.

912
00:52:17,699 --> 00:52:19,614
Me and this belly
gonna have to break up.

913
00:52:20,572 --> 00:52:23,183
And these inner thighs.

914
00:52:23,227 --> 00:52:26,012
Oh, it ain't by myself,
I see a lot of you niggas
in here rubbing.

915
00:52:28,232 --> 00:52:30,059
You know what you...
[EXCLAIMS]

916
00:52:31,844 --> 00:52:34,107
In here, you light-skinned.

917
00:52:34,151 --> 00:52:36,631
[ALL LAUGHING]

918
00:52:36,675 --> 00:52:39,634
Black all over here,
but here you light-skinned.

919
00:52:39,678 --> 00:52:41,723
This motherfucker ain't
never seen the sun.

920
00:52:43,682 --> 00:52:46,075
Don't get no light, just...

921
00:52:46,119 --> 00:52:49,166
No hair don't grow.
Balder than
a motherfucker in here.

922
00:52:50,079 --> 00:52:51,429
You know where it's at.

923
00:52:56,956 --> 00:52:57,957
[CHUCKLES]

924
00:53:00,873 --> 00:53:06,095
New York got a black
police commissioner.

925
00:53:07,619 --> 00:53:09,142
Niggas, y'all going to jail.

926
00:53:10,796 --> 00:53:12,363
A black police commissioner?

927
00:53:12,406 --> 00:53:14,234
All y'all are going to jail.

928
00:53:16,062 --> 00:53:19,108
I be watching
The First 48hours.

929
00:53:19,152 --> 00:53:22,329
What I'll never understand,
they'd be like "Where were you

930
00:53:22,373 --> 00:53:25,158
"on Tuesday at 3:00?"

931
00:53:25,202 --> 00:53:28,074
And they're like
"Let me think about it."

932
00:53:28,117 --> 00:53:30,990
I'd be like "I don't know
where I was at, but I know
I ain't killed no motherfucker."

933
00:53:32,296 --> 00:53:33,906
[ALL LAUGHING]

934
00:53:35,168 --> 00:53:36,822
I know what...
What I didn't do.

935
00:53:38,693 --> 00:53:40,869
But you can always tell
when they about to snitch.

936
00:53:43,524 --> 00:53:47,049
They were like "Man,
you ain't even gonna
believe this."

937
00:53:50,792 --> 00:53:53,186
They go to that barbershop lie.

938
00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:55,057
"Where was you at?"
"I was with my mama."

939
00:53:56,450 --> 00:53:57,930
"You weren't with
your damn mama."

940
00:53:59,584 --> 00:54:00,541
"That's the truth."

941
00:54:02,891 --> 00:54:04,893
My kid's in here, man.

942
00:54:04,937 --> 00:54:07,853
Had me a TV show, man.
Finally got my turn.

943
00:54:08,723 --> 00:54:09,681
Come to fruition.

944
00:54:10,812 --> 00:54:13,250
-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-Yeah!

945
00:54:14,816 --> 00:54:16,427
Get that God damn money!

946
00:54:18,167 --> 00:54:19,995
Find me a honey.

947
00:54:21,649 --> 00:54:23,260
Yeah.

948
00:54:23,303 --> 00:54:25,436
I'mma get married again.

949
00:54:25,479 --> 00:54:27,176
I thought I'd never
get married again.

950
00:54:28,308 --> 00:54:29,918
This time I said, well,
I'm gonna try.

951
00:54:31,746 --> 00:54:34,662
I think I found
the right one this time.

952
00:54:34,706 --> 00:54:39,014
Yeah, nigga. When you pick
the wrong one, nigga,
you be like "Whoo, Jesus!"

953
00:54:39,058 --> 00:54:41,582
Lot of y'all
going through that now.

954
00:54:41,626 --> 00:54:45,064
That pandemic
let you know if you really
love the motherfucker.

955
00:54:45,107 --> 00:54:47,153
'Cause you ain't had
no outside activities.

956
00:54:48,763 --> 00:54:50,330
We just had to sit there,
like, damn.

957
00:54:51,940 --> 00:54:54,073
Same tuna fish again.

958
00:54:55,466 --> 00:54:57,859
[LAUGHING]

959
00:55:02,603 --> 00:55:04,736
Some of y'all ain't laughing,
I don't give a fuck.

960
00:55:07,739 --> 00:55:09,349
I don't. I really don't.

961
00:55:13,179 --> 00:55:15,964
And poor Arizona, Phoenix.

962
00:55:16,008 --> 00:55:18,967
Trump still got you all out
down here, counting ballots.

963
00:55:21,535 --> 00:55:22,841
"Count 'em again!"

964
00:55:28,194 --> 00:55:31,110
He send the cyber ninja
for you, motherfucker.

965
00:55:33,852 --> 00:55:36,115
They motherfuckers...
Y'all might don't know it
or not,

966
00:55:36,158 --> 00:55:38,335
and I know a lot
of y'all motherfuckers
don't wanna know,

967
00:55:39,553 --> 00:55:42,426
but they was trying
to have a coup.

968
00:55:42,469 --> 00:55:45,080
They said "Fuck with
everybody who voted, nigga."

969
00:55:45,124 --> 00:55:49,171
They was together
trying to steal
that fucking election.

970
00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:52,261
Fuck who voted
on that motherfucker.

971
00:55:53,306 --> 00:55:54,699
Not saying it's white.

972
00:55:54,873 --> 00:55:57,441
Put it this way,
it's the ideology
of the white man,

973
00:55:57,484 --> 00:55:59,399
of the man he thinks.

974
00:55:59,443 --> 00:56:01,358
It's like riding in a car.

975
00:56:01,401 --> 00:56:04,883
You should be lucky
to be in the car,
but you have no right to know

976
00:56:04,926 --> 00:56:07,364
or even ask
or demand the destination.

977
00:56:09,061 --> 00:56:10,323
You can see it all day long.

978
00:56:11,846 --> 00:56:14,109
They're sitting there.

979
00:56:14,153 --> 00:56:17,156
They treat everybody,
an ideology that has
nothing to do with color.

980
00:56:17,199 --> 00:56:21,421
Just if you're not one of them,
women, men or nothing.
It's the same.

981
00:56:21,465 --> 00:56:23,510
It's the same man
will tell a woman

982
00:56:23,554 --> 00:56:27,906
that she don't have the right
to make a decision
on her reproduction system

983
00:56:27,949 --> 00:56:31,300
and when she can
and cannot have a baby,

984
00:56:31,344 --> 00:56:35,479
but that's the same white man
who's saying, "Nigga, you can't
make me wear no mask.

985
00:56:36,915 --> 00:56:41,702
"I have a right not to wear
a motherfucking mask."

986
00:56:41,746 --> 00:56:43,530
But you can infringe
on a woman

987
00:56:43,574 --> 00:56:47,795
and tell her when she can
or cannot have a fucking child.

988
00:56:47,839 --> 00:56:49,623
And I'm going to tell
y'all women sometime,

989
00:56:49,667 --> 00:56:53,235
at some point, y'all gonna
have to stand up
for your God damn self.

990
00:56:54,498 --> 00:56:56,761
Y'all keep on supporting
these motherfuckers.

991
00:56:56,804 --> 00:57:01,940
Because believe me,
oh, believe me,
if you can or not, as a man,

992
00:57:01,983 --> 00:57:04,508
believe me, from the bottom
of my heart,

993
00:57:04,551 --> 00:57:07,902
if men had to take on
the responsibility

994
00:57:07,946 --> 00:57:12,254
of having children, believe me,
abortion would be available

995
00:57:12,298 --> 00:57:18,391
through the Drive-Thru
at McDonald's, nigga.

996
00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:21,263
You'd be able to pull up
"Give me a number four.

997
00:57:21,307 --> 00:57:23,788
"We gotta get this
motherfucker out of there.

998
00:57:23,831 --> 00:57:25,398
"Is that you, Earthquake?"
"Yeah!

999
00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:28,619
"You know, them hos always
trying to hold a nigga down."

1000
00:57:28,662 --> 00:57:30,882
I'll see y'all later.
I'm Earthquake.
God bless you. Thanks!

1001
00:57:30,925 --> 00:57:33,841
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]