1 00:00:03,443 --> 00:00:05,523 MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES 2 00:00:05,523 --> 00:00:08,603 HE GRUNTS 3 00:00:08,603 --> 00:00:10,163 SHE GRUNTS 4 00:00:10,163 --> 00:00:11,603 HE GRUNTS 5 00:00:11,603 --> 00:00:14,123 MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES HE GRUNTS 6 00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:18,283 HE GRUNTS 7 00:00:18,283 --> 00:00:20,403 GRUNTS 8 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,923 MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES 9 00:00:30,923 --> 00:00:32,963 SHE GRUNTS 10 00:00:36,923 --> 00:00:38,363 WOMAN: Tea. 11 00:00:38,363 --> 00:00:39,603 MAN: Tea. 12 00:00:41,003 --> 00:00:42,403 Tea, Dan. 13 00:00:42,403 --> 00:00:44,843 MUMBLING: Tea. Tea, Dan. 14 00:00:49,443 --> 00:00:50,883 Tea, Dan. 15 00:00:50,883 --> 00:00:52,323 Tea, Dan. 16 00:00:52,323 --> 00:00:53,883 Tea, Dan! 17 00:00:53,883 --> 00:00:54,923 Get the tea. 18 00:00:56,163 --> 00:00:58,283 SHE MUTTERS 19 00:00:58,283 --> 00:01:01,403 MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES FAINTLY 20 00:01:06,443 --> 00:01:11,483 MUSIC: Egypt Strut by Salah Ragab and the Cairo Jazz Band 21 00:01:37,563 --> 00:01:38,883 Oh, well done. 22 00:01:38,883 --> 00:01:41,043 You've eaten every single crumb of nice in the flat. 23 00:01:41,043 --> 00:01:42,643 I'll have to go down to the Evil Forest. 24 00:01:42,643 --> 00:01:45,443 Oh, no way. That deli with all the bulging shit and the jumpers 25 00:01:45,443 --> 00:01:47,483 and those awful women. Three quid for a lemon? 26 00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:49,923 No way. But they have all the nice things. 27 00:01:49,923 --> 00:01:51,483 And it's Saturday. 28 00:01:51,483 --> 00:01:53,483 Why am I even justifying this? 29 00:01:53,483 --> 00:01:55,163 I'm a hard-working princess 30 00:01:55,163 --> 00:01:57,923 and you've eaten all my sugar plums. Boo hoo, Your HO-ness. 31 00:01:57,923 --> 00:02:00,243 I don't even know why I'm talking to you anyway, maniac, 32 00:02:00,243 --> 00:02:01,683 I landed on my face. 33 00:02:01,683 --> 00:02:04,083 Yeah, lucky you slept through. 34 00:02:04,083 --> 00:02:06,923 I spiral-fractured about 18 of my fingers. 35 00:02:06,923 --> 00:02:09,123 I barely manage my bowl of Tosty Frots...Frosty Tots. 36 00:02:09,123 --> 00:02:12,323 Bowls, three, big ones. 37 00:02:12,323 --> 00:02:14,803 Which one was the toughest? 38 00:02:14,803 --> 00:02:16,803 Oh, no, have I got mansoobs? 39 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,683 Oh, lefty's looking very chunky. 40 00:02:18,683 --> 00:02:19,923 Don't even say that. 41 00:02:19,923 --> 00:02:21,843 IN ROUGH COCKNEY: Whoa, fucking hell, whoa. 42 00:02:21,843 --> 00:02:23,723 Bleurgh! Oh, come on. 43 00:02:23,723 --> 00:02:26,163 Let's get you all spaffed up downtown. 44 00:02:26,163 --> 00:02:28,043 Heh-heh. Got to keep you pretty, boy. 45 00:02:28,043 --> 00:02:30,803 NORMAL VOICE: Yay, OK, let's go get you a magic expandable bra. 46 00:02:30,803 --> 00:02:32,963 Then we can walk to the forest and protect you 47 00:02:32,963 --> 00:02:34,243 from the wicked sisters. 48 00:02:34,243 --> 00:02:35,883 No, we don't even need anything. 49 00:02:35,883 --> 00:02:38,523 Yeah, I know, but that's the whole point. Don't you get it? 50 00:02:38,523 --> 00:02:40,043 I want stuff we don't need. 51 00:02:40,043 --> 00:02:42,643 It's about pleasure. It's about living, Dan. 52 00:02:42,643 --> 00:02:45,203 My moobs and I are getting into a hole in the ground. 53 00:02:45,203 --> 00:02:47,723 Oh, come on. I hate going down there on my own. 54 00:02:47,723 --> 00:02:51,003 The way they sort of hover and pounce like lame spiders. 55 00:02:51,003 --> 00:02:53,523 If you are going down to the Magic Forest... 56 00:02:53,523 --> 00:02:56,123 Yeah, don't shag the walls. 57 00:02:57,403 --> 00:02:59,243 We're actually out of Frosty Tots. 58 00:03:05,843 --> 00:03:08,483 Do you mind not smelling the jars? 59 00:03:08,483 --> 00:03:10,003 Thank you so much. 60 00:03:10,003 --> 00:03:11,283 Sorry, I was, erm... 61 00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,243 ..just looking for lentils. 62 00:03:14,243 --> 00:03:16,283 Lentils? What else? 63 00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,643 That way. 64 00:03:17,643 --> 00:03:20,723 Rather obviously beside all the other dried goods. 65 00:03:27,843 --> 00:03:30,643 Yeah, you'd know more about dried goods, wouldn't you, 66 00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:32,563 you stupid old bint... Carla. 67 00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:35,683 THEY SCREAM 68 00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:36,723 Oh, my God! 69 00:03:37,683 --> 00:03:39,243 Oh! 70 00:03:39,243 --> 00:03:41,323 So good to see you. 71 00:03:41,323 --> 00:03:43,923 How are you? I'm really good. How are you? 72 00:03:43,923 --> 00:03:45,523 I'm really good, thank you. 73 00:03:45,523 --> 00:03:47,163 THEY CACKLE HAPPILY 74 00:03:47,163 --> 00:03:48,843 Oh, my God! 75 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:53,563 That is actually the last one we have. 76 00:03:53,563 --> 00:03:55,083 Any better at all? 77 00:04:03,923 --> 00:04:05,963 Have you got anything tighter? 78 00:04:05,963 --> 00:04:10,363 Maybe my yayas could ping out when I say hi. 79 00:04:11,763 --> 00:04:13,163 I'll go and check. 80 00:04:14,603 --> 00:04:17,763 One pieces, anything, talk to me. 81 00:04:17,763 --> 00:04:19,363 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 82 00:04:21,523 --> 00:04:24,163 Hey. Where are you? You said you were hiding. 83 00:04:24,163 --> 00:04:27,203 I had to go and find clothes for the larger-cupped man. 84 00:04:27,203 --> 00:04:29,523 Hey, let's become bakers and wear dungarees. 85 00:04:29,523 --> 00:04:32,283 You'll never believe who I just ran into. Who? 86 00:04:32,283 --> 00:04:34,083 Good, bad, we're moving? 87 00:04:34,083 --> 00:04:35,963 One of my very, very oldest and dearest... 88 00:04:35,963 --> 00:04:37,483 Oh, an ex? 89 00:04:37,483 --> 00:04:39,123 Yeah, how'd you guess? 90 00:04:39,123 --> 00:04:40,923 They always get a good intro. 91 00:04:40,923 --> 00:04:42,523 Who is it this time? 92 00:04:42,523 --> 00:04:44,323 The wrestling chef? 93 00:04:44,323 --> 00:04:46,403 The drumming surgeon? SHE SNICKERS 94 00:04:46,403 --> 00:04:48,083 Or the twins from the sawmill? 95 00:04:48,083 --> 00:04:50,883 Raul only wrestled part time. Weak thumbs. 96 00:04:50,883 --> 00:04:52,483 Maya's the singer. 97 00:04:52,483 --> 00:04:54,403 We've going full evil here, by the way. 98 00:04:54,403 --> 00:04:56,643 We've got loads from the fridges of bitches. 99 00:04:56,643 --> 00:04:58,363 You coming back for lunch or what? 100 00:04:58,363 --> 00:04:59,683 MAYA: Running a bath, OK? 101 00:04:59,683 --> 00:05:01,483 Come and get your bubbles. 102 00:05:01,483 --> 00:05:03,363 I'm coming. I'm coming. 103 00:05:03,363 --> 00:05:04,843 Bye, Sam! 104 00:05:04,843 --> 00:05:07,483 No rush, all right? Oh, can you get some bread? Bye. 105 00:05:09,963 --> 00:05:11,723 Fuck, I'm definitely coming. 106 00:05:11,723 --> 00:05:13,763 Oh, my God, my robe. 107 00:05:13,763 --> 00:05:16,403 That is mine. That is my robe. 108 00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,443 I've been looking for that for years. 109 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,283 And my green snake ring. 110 00:05:20,283 --> 00:05:22,883 OK, right, the robe was sort of mine. 111 00:05:22,883 --> 00:05:25,283 But because you're cheeky, I'll let you have the ring. 112 00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:26,563 They're both mine. 113 00:05:26,563 --> 00:05:28,083 No, they're not. Yes, they are. 114 00:05:28,083 --> 00:05:30,123 HE SIGHS 115 00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:39,243 What's your secret, pal? 116 00:05:39,243 --> 00:05:41,403 I'm thrilled it's cancelled, to be honest. 117 00:05:41,403 --> 00:05:43,803 My throat is wrecked. Yeah? 118 00:05:43,803 --> 00:05:46,083 Burning the candle, I guess. 119 00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:49,243 But I've still got free festival bollocks. Mm. Yeah. 120 00:05:49,243 --> 00:05:51,243 Got a pair of wellies.. Hello. 121 00:05:51,243 --> 00:05:54,483 ..and some face paint. 122 00:05:54,483 --> 00:05:56,923 I heard somewhere guests bring chocolate or wine. 123 00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,203 How about weed? 124 00:05:58,203 --> 00:05:59,283 Oh! 125 00:05:59,283 --> 00:06:02,243 Oh, my God, I haven't had weed in ages, mate. 126 00:06:02,243 --> 00:06:03,283 Oh! 127 00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:06,483 I got to say, babes, 128 00:06:06,483 --> 00:06:08,763 you are looking good. 129 00:06:08,763 --> 00:06:11,763 You gargling moonlight, or what? 130 00:06:11,763 --> 00:06:13,603 You happy with your lot? 131 00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:16,683 All this, you know, you and Pat? 132 00:06:16,683 --> 00:06:17,923 Dan. 133 00:06:17,923 --> 00:06:21,163 Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not all the time, obviously. 134 00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:22,763 Do you have delight in your life? 135 00:06:22,763 --> 00:06:24,363 Oh, stop. 136 00:06:24,363 --> 00:06:26,123 How's Noddy? 137 00:06:26,123 --> 00:06:29,523 Nellie, who keeps talking about us getting married. 138 00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,203 Yeah? Yeah. 139 00:06:31,203 --> 00:06:33,603 Apparently, that's what we really want. 140 00:06:33,603 --> 00:06:35,403 When did you marry Jack? 141 00:06:35,403 --> 00:06:37,243 Dan. 142 00:06:37,243 --> 00:06:38,483 Uh, no, not. 143 00:06:38,483 --> 00:06:40,643 No rings of any kind. 144 00:06:40,643 --> 00:06:45,043 Hmm, I thought maybe you could, uh, give me some advice. 145 00:06:45,043 --> 00:06:47,083 How long you two been together? 146 00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:48,603 A while-ish. 147 00:06:48,603 --> 00:06:51,603 Well, uh, not that long, but, yeah, a bit, a bit, yeah. 148 00:06:51,603 --> 00:06:53,243 Sounds good. 149 00:06:53,243 --> 00:06:54,963 DOOR OPENS Hello, I'm home. 150 00:06:54,963 --> 00:06:56,003 Oh. 151 00:06:57,283 --> 00:06:59,003 I wrote a song about you. 152 00:06:59,003 --> 00:07:02,883 Yeah? I wrote a few, actually, they just came out of me. 153 00:07:02,883 --> 00:07:04,243 I might send you one. 154 00:07:04,243 --> 00:07:05,763 You'll send all of them. 155 00:07:05,763 --> 00:07:07,523 Yeah, I will. 156 00:07:10,123 --> 00:07:12,883 Goddamn. Noah's going to need a bigger boat. 157 00:07:12,883 --> 00:07:14,723 I got us kurvival sits. 158 00:07:14,723 --> 00:07:16,803 I mean, survival kits. 159 00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:18,163 I keep doing that. 160 00:07:18,163 --> 00:07:21,483 Oh. Oh, hello. 161 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,443 Hi. How's it going? 162 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,003 Hey. Hey. Hi. 163 00:07:26,443 --> 00:07:28,203 You could use a towel. 164 00:07:28,203 --> 00:07:30,003 Thank you. Thank you. 165 00:07:30,003 --> 00:07:31,363 Hey. So you're the singer. 166 00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:33,763 Dan used to write jingles for ads. Did you get any bread? 167 00:07:33,763 --> 00:07:35,283 I'm a musician. 168 00:07:35,283 --> 00:07:37,283 No. Mm-hm. 169 00:07:37,283 --> 00:07:40,203 What is that? It's... Hey. Isn't it perfect for you? 170 00:07:40,203 --> 00:07:41,523 Look. For me? 171 00:07:41,523 --> 00:07:43,043 Yeah. Look at that. 172 00:07:43,043 --> 00:07:45,243 Seven days a week, I will be not wearing that. 173 00:07:45,243 --> 00:07:46,563 You're insane. 174 00:07:46,563 --> 00:07:48,563 Come on. Seriously? I thought that would be... 175 00:07:48,563 --> 00:07:50,283 Maya, no? 176 00:07:50,283 --> 00:07:52,643 I mean, it, it, it looks good on you. 177 00:07:52,643 --> 00:07:54,683 CARLA CHUCKLES 178 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:57,403 Um, come and help me with lunch, Inspector? 179 00:07:57,403 --> 00:08:00,043 IN FILM NOIR DETECTIVE VOICE: The dead body's in the library. 180 00:08:00,043 --> 00:08:02,083 It was me. SHE CHUCKLES, HE FAKE LAUGHS 181 00:08:02,083 --> 00:08:03,643 I knew that. 182 00:08:03,643 --> 00:08:05,043 How? 183 00:08:05,043 --> 00:08:06,523 IN DETECTIVE VOICE: You had a bath. 184 00:08:06,523 --> 00:08:08,083 Oh, you got me. 185 00:08:08,083 --> 00:08:10,083 I'm going to hide out in the hills. SHE CHUCKLES 186 00:08:10,083 --> 00:08:12,243 HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY Need a coat? 187 00:08:14,923 --> 00:08:16,403 I'll put it there. 188 00:08:19,003 --> 00:08:20,363 So this is a Greek salad. 189 00:08:20,363 --> 00:08:21,843 Sorry. Lovely Greek salad. 190 00:08:21,843 --> 00:08:25,283 This, here, is a delicious dip. 191 00:08:25,283 --> 00:08:27,403 It's just a bit of hummus. Just a bit of hummus, 192 00:08:27,403 --> 00:08:29,443 you're getting this. 193 00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:31,683 Very, very... 194 00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:33,483 ..chewy dip. 195 00:08:33,483 --> 00:08:35,203 You can fuck off. 196 00:08:35,203 --> 00:08:38,483 Very nice. Really nice. Really good. 197 00:08:38,483 --> 00:08:42,763 And them, there, uh, are frightening, frankly. 198 00:08:42,763 --> 00:08:44,283 Explain to me, 199 00:08:44,283 --> 00:08:46,483 what is the bit between the beetroot and the lettuce? 200 00:08:46,483 --> 00:08:48,163 That's peas and walnuts. 201 00:08:48,163 --> 00:08:50,403 Why? Because we have peas. 202 00:08:50,403 --> 00:08:52,123 Had. 203 00:08:52,123 --> 00:08:54,003 Now they live in there, with walnuts. 204 00:08:54,003 --> 00:08:55,923 Hello, you're fucking delicious. 205 00:08:55,923 --> 00:08:58,043 I love you guys. This one is moving. 206 00:08:58,043 --> 00:09:00,243 LAUGHING: That one's trying to eat the other one. 207 00:09:00,243 --> 00:09:01,803 No wonder, they're all delicious. 208 00:09:01,803 --> 00:09:04,403 More delicious than each other. Maya. 209 00:09:04,403 --> 00:09:06,643 Ah, no, I'd better get going. 210 00:09:06,643 --> 00:09:09,243 I've got to get to Liverpool tomorrow, so... 211 00:09:09,243 --> 00:09:11,603 This has been so lovely. 212 00:09:11,603 --> 00:09:13,723 It's been really lovely. Hm. 213 00:09:13,723 --> 00:09:15,043 Um... 214 00:09:18,083 --> 00:09:19,523 Cheeky spliff? 215 00:09:21,843 --> 00:09:23,843 Mm, uh, yeah, sure. 216 00:09:23,843 --> 00:09:25,443 Wow, yeah. 217 00:09:25,443 --> 00:09:27,483 Fuck, yeah. 218 00:09:33,283 --> 00:09:35,043 I really like Maya. 219 00:09:35,043 --> 00:09:36,563 She was super cool. 220 00:09:36,563 --> 00:09:38,083 Your best ex yet. 221 00:09:38,083 --> 00:09:40,683 No shit? You only her five times. 222 00:09:40,683 --> 00:09:42,603 Shit, did I? 223 00:09:42,603 --> 00:09:45,163 Wow, their shit is the shit. 224 00:09:53,803 --> 00:09:55,363 WHISPERS: We have cucumbers. 225 00:09:55,363 --> 00:09:58,043 We came in here to steal something good. Shut up. 226 00:09:58,043 --> 00:09:59,803 The point is I'm thieving. 227 00:09:59,803 --> 00:10:01,643 Why aren't you? 228 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:04,003 SHE GASPS Oh, look, posh honey. 229 00:10:07,963 --> 00:10:11,683 Poor little inbred bees, all flying off the wrong directions. 230 00:10:12,923 --> 00:10:14,763 Go and get those cute pineapples. 231 00:10:20,843 --> 00:10:23,163 If they see us, we're going to go to delicatessen jail. 232 00:10:23,163 --> 00:10:25,923 They'll beat us with the rhubarb and make us eat the wiggly things. 233 00:10:25,923 --> 00:10:27,763 Oh, shut up, what have you got so far? 234 00:10:29,883 --> 00:10:31,283 SHE SCOFFS Rubbish. 235 00:11:01,883 --> 00:11:04,203 I bet you're wearing, like, ten pairs of knickers. 236 00:11:04,203 --> 00:11:06,243 You're not even naked, are you? Cheat. 237 00:11:06,243 --> 00:11:08,803 I am, apart from the usual plasters, 238 00:11:08,803 --> 00:11:10,443 100% naked and nude in here. 239 00:11:10,443 --> 00:11:11,883 Could be a fib. 240 00:11:16,923 --> 00:11:18,563 Guess not. 241 00:11:18,563 --> 00:11:20,043 Can I get that back now? 242 00:11:20,043 --> 00:11:22,443 Or otherwise we might have a situ-nario. 243 00:11:22,443 --> 00:11:24,523 Promise to put the top on the toothpaste? 244 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,203 Is that your innuendo? 245 00:11:27,203 --> 00:11:29,283 Time was you had standards. 246 00:11:29,283 --> 00:11:31,403 Did I? When? 247 00:11:31,403 --> 00:11:33,283 No, I lied. 248 00:11:35,083 --> 00:11:36,963 MUSIC: Felony by The Allergies 249 00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:41,363 # I thought loving you was a felony 250 00:11:41,363 --> 00:11:43,603 # Was a felony, felony, felony 251 00:11:47,923 --> 00:11:49,403 # Lying next to you 252 00:11:49,403 --> 00:11:51,483 # Forget the world outside 253 00:11:51,483 --> 00:11:54,843 # You... # 254 00:11:54,843 --> 00:11:56,643 You look rather lost. 255 00:11:56,643 --> 00:11:58,843 What exactly is it you two want? 256 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,043 Perhaps we'll just call the police. 257 00:12:01,043 --> 00:12:02,523 We are the police. 258 00:12:02,523 --> 00:12:03,803 Fire squad. 259 00:12:03,803 --> 00:12:05,363 Freeze. 260 00:12:05,363 --> 00:12:07,843 You're wearing Wellington boots. 261 00:12:07,843 --> 00:12:09,843 They're special radio boots, FYI. 262 00:12:09,843 --> 00:12:12,123 We've been watching you for years in our radio boots. 263 00:12:12,123 --> 00:12:13,443 You - 264 00:12:13,443 --> 00:12:14,843 you were in here earlier. 265 00:12:14,843 --> 00:12:17,203 Get back. That was for surveillance snacks. 266 00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,923 Get back or a Taser comes. 267 00:12:18,923 --> 00:12:20,483 We've seen the gherkins. 268 00:12:20,483 --> 00:12:22,283 We know where you keep the Dove paste. 269 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:25,563 You think you're so clever with your little nibbly sponges, 270 00:12:25,563 --> 00:12:27,523 you motherfuckers? 271 00:12:27,523 --> 00:12:29,523 I'm actually going to call the station now. 272 00:12:29,523 --> 00:12:31,643 The police will have a lot of questions. 273 00:12:31,643 --> 00:12:33,003 Yeah? Not as many as us. 274 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:34,523 And we know who to ask. 275 00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:37,003 This is Alfonso here, our main undercover guy. 276 00:12:37,003 --> 00:12:38,523 Yeah. What do you say, Alfonso? 277 00:12:38,523 --> 00:12:40,563 He's been watching your shit a long time. Yeah. 278 00:12:40,563 --> 00:12:42,483 Oh. Oh, he says you're fucked. 279 00:12:42,483 --> 00:12:44,403 So you better get your story straight. 280 00:12:44,403 --> 00:12:45,843 Straight. 281 00:12:45,843 --> 00:12:48,363 Better match. They better match up, lady. 282 00:13:00,603 --> 00:13:02,083 Nobody move.