1 00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:04,083 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:04,083 --> 00:00:06,123 Would you describe your... I'll fix it. I will. 3 00:00:06,123 --> 00:00:07,563 Yeah, and I'll burst into flames. 4 00:00:07,563 --> 00:00:10,163 Would you describe your relationship as stable, exciting... 5 00:00:10,163 --> 00:00:12,923 Agony. These quizzes are for chumps who don't know 6 00:00:12,923 --> 00:00:14,603 they're chumps doing quizzes. 7 00:00:14,603 --> 00:00:15,843 We got this. 8 00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:20,003 "The Hayden Quiz." That thing is straight off your desk, isn't it? 9 00:00:20,003 --> 00:00:23,723 Yeah, but it's spooky accurate about who you are. 10 00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:25,403 These Californians we're working with, 11 00:00:25,403 --> 00:00:27,443 it's like really clever shit. 12 00:00:27,443 --> 00:00:28,883 Come on. Who are we? 13 00:00:28,883 --> 00:00:31,523 What do we want? Why do we never have any fun? 14 00:00:31,523 --> 00:00:33,563 These questions are weird. Who's more trusting? 15 00:00:33,563 --> 00:00:36,403 That's you, cos you know nothing about the real world. 16 00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:37,563 Thank you. 17 00:00:37,563 --> 00:00:38,883 What's that? 18 00:00:38,883 --> 00:00:40,123 Who's more realistic? 19 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,443 Well, that's me. I win that point. 20 00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:43,883 No-one wins. 21 00:00:43,883 --> 00:00:45,843 Why so competitive? 22 00:00:45,843 --> 00:00:47,123 Right on. 23 00:00:47,123 --> 00:00:49,403 Genes, family, some other losers. 24 00:00:49,403 --> 00:00:51,803 And realistic, without me, you'd be in jail. 25 00:00:51,803 --> 00:00:53,643 I am in jail. 26 00:00:53,643 --> 00:00:55,003 I mean, I'm not blaming you, Dan, 27 00:00:55,003 --> 00:00:58,683 but you did make us buy this flat, now it's worth half of fuck all. 28 00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:01,643 Why don't you ask your brother for a loan? 29 00:01:01,643 --> 00:01:02,963 At least you don't blame me. 30 00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,843 Hey, look, we're doing it. 31 00:01:05,843 --> 00:01:07,363 The plan is the plan. 32 00:01:07,363 --> 00:01:09,203 The plan, that's the beauty of the plan. 33 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,803 We're going to get out of here. We're going to get our own place. 34 00:01:11,803 --> 00:01:14,043 We're going to have a family. We're on track. 35 00:01:17,003 --> 00:01:19,163 So you wouldn't ask him? 36 00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:21,643 I'm not asking Declan for anything. 37 00:01:21,643 --> 00:01:23,243 But he'd help, though, wouldn't he? 38 00:01:23,243 --> 00:01:24,643 Yeah, he's my brother. 39 00:01:24,643 --> 00:01:27,523 But you're not going to ask? 40 00:01:27,523 --> 00:01:29,203 No. He's my brother. 41 00:01:29,203 --> 00:01:32,043 Yeah, of course. I only know the world is real because 42 00:01:32,043 --> 00:01:35,723 you still haven't fixed my bedside cabinet. 43 00:01:35,723 --> 00:01:38,843 I will do it. 44 00:01:38,843 --> 00:01:40,123 Oh, here's a big one. 45 00:01:40,123 --> 00:01:41,163 Dog or cat? 46 00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:46,003 We both know if either of us ever wanted a cat, 47 00:01:46,003 --> 00:01:47,683 it would all be over. 48 00:01:47,683 --> 00:01:50,443 I know even in a fur coat and everything. 49 00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,603 But the way they look at you, 50 00:01:52,603 --> 00:01:54,763 it's like they know something. 51 00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:58,163 They know you have a can opener. 52 00:01:58,163 --> 00:01:59,763 SHE SIGHS AND MUSIC PLAYS 53 00:02:29,243 --> 00:02:31,363 Like a proper nightmare. 54 00:02:31,363 --> 00:02:34,443 Thunderstorms, snarling tigers. 55 00:02:34,443 --> 00:02:37,083 After folding your wings, you became a huge shock, 56 00:02:37,083 --> 00:02:40,443 obviously, a dictator with two moustaches. 57 00:02:40,443 --> 00:02:41,643 There's no room. 58 00:02:41,643 --> 00:02:43,763 Look, it was under your penis. 59 00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:46,083 You're a winged dictator with a dick-tache. 60 00:02:48,123 --> 00:02:50,403 You want to meet later at that nice coffee joint? 61 00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:52,043 I can't. Crazy busy. 62 00:02:52,043 --> 00:02:53,523 We're through the roof. 63 00:02:53,523 --> 00:02:55,683 So much anxiety. 64 00:02:55,683 --> 00:02:57,523 Everyone's fucking losing it. 65 00:02:57,523 --> 00:03:01,043 People come in now saying, "Fuck, I can't feel my head." 66 00:03:01,043 --> 00:03:02,603 It's great for business. 67 00:03:02,603 --> 00:03:04,963 Mm, and I've got to finish that quiz later. 68 00:03:04,963 --> 00:03:07,603 It'll give me something to laugh about when Joy and Kurt get here. 69 00:03:07,603 --> 00:03:09,843 You didn't invite Joy and Kurt round this weekend. 70 00:03:09,843 --> 00:03:11,243 You didn't do that! You didn't! 71 00:03:11,243 --> 00:03:12,843 They're just dropping in for a bit. 72 00:03:12,843 --> 00:03:14,643 Oh, no. 73 00:03:14,643 --> 00:03:19,963 Spiritual growth, and energy eggs, and chakras and... 74 00:03:19,963 --> 00:03:21,683 Oh... Yes, we know your views. 75 00:03:21,683 --> 00:03:24,363 Thank you for re-re-resharing. 76 00:03:24,363 --> 00:03:26,923 It's just a really quick kind of casual chat. 77 00:03:26,923 --> 00:03:29,283 You can't have a casual chat with Kurt. 78 00:03:29,283 --> 00:03:30,843 The man is a bonfire. 79 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,483 He helps a lot of people! 80 00:03:32,483 --> 00:03:33,923 What, shit themselves? 81 00:03:33,923 --> 00:03:35,123 Fix their lives! 82 00:03:35,123 --> 00:03:37,243 Look, he's got five million followers now. 83 00:03:37,243 --> 00:03:39,003 Five million?! 84 00:03:39,003 --> 00:03:41,283 What? Yeah. 85 00:03:41,283 --> 00:03:43,963 Jesus. Joy is always accidentally bending his spoons. 86 00:03:43,963 --> 00:03:47,803 He is a spoon, lodged in a rub of merde. 87 00:03:47,803 --> 00:03:49,523 My lipstick. Oh, but you do it! 88 00:03:49,523 --> 00:03:51,163 Go on, you just come over and sit on me? 89 00:03:51,163 --> 00:03:52,323 Yeah. 90 00:03:52,323 --> 00:03:53,963 I just waxed my moustache. 91 00:04:00,163 --> 00:04:01,523 Did you get some toast? 92 00:04:01,523 --> 00:04:02,803 Mm, a little bit. 93 00:04:02,803 --> 00:04:04,443 See you later, knobber. 94 00:04:05,443 --> 00:04:06,523 Yeah. 95 00:04:06,523 --> 00:04:08,643 Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here. 96 00:04:08,643 --> 00:04:11,163 Ooh! Sorry. Stupid suit. 97 00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,803 Have a good one. 98 00:04:12,803 --> 00:04:14,443 You're serious? 99 00:04:14,443 --> 00:04:15,683 Fight that fight. 100 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,203 I'm a sausage! 101 00:04:23,963 --> 00:04:25,243 Hey, Mickey. 102 00:04:25,243 --> 00:04:27,083 Got a great hook for that burger song. 103 00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:28,163 It's killer. 104 00:04:28,163 --> 00:04:29,403 # I'll be chicken 105 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,203 # I ain't fooling 106 00:04:31,203 --> 00:04:33,483 # I'll be chicken you'll be drooling. # 107 00:04:33,483 --> 00:04:36,203 And then it goes into this chorus thing, which is... 108 00:04:36,203 --> 00:04:37,763 What is this shit? 109 00:04:37,763 --> 00:04:39,483 They just told me it's already printed. 110 00:04:39,483 --> 00:04:41,403 You didn't even run it by me, Dan. 111 00:04:41,403 --> 00:04:44,483 Why does the chicken have nipples? 112 00:04:44,483 --> 00:04:45,523 Hey? 113 00:04:45,523 --> 00:04:47,283 And neck tattoos. 114 00:04:47,283 --> 00:04:49,163 "Be drooling"? Really? 115 00:04:49,163 --> 00:04:52,003 You said you wanted something zippy. Yeah, I wanted something zippy. 116 00:04:52,003 --> 00:04:53,523 This is... 117 00:04:53,523 --> 00:04:54,763 ..ba-fucked! 118 00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:57,603 I don't have the time now to redo all this. 119 00:04:57,603 --> 00:04:59,603 All right, all right. Time. Time. 120 00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,723 He's at dinner. Then he clocks his friends. 121 00:05:01,723 --> 00:05:03,803 We have a clock in the background going ding, 122 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,803 he clocks his friends. And we go, "Hello... 123 00:05:06,803 --> 00:05:09,203 "..it's chicken time." 124 00:05:09,203 --> 00:05:12,083 What? No, no, no. 125 00:05:12,083 --> 00:05:14,403 You kept giving us duds, mate. You didn't get it. 126 00:05:14,403 --> 00:05:16,603 There's new owners. It's a whole new deal around here. 127 00:05:16,603 --> 00:05:19,203 And you really pissed them off. 128 00:05:19,203 --> 00:05:20,723 I couldn't protect you. 129 00:05:20,723 --> 00:05:22,803 You're talking in the past tense, Mickey. 130 00:05:22,803 --> 00:05:24,603 Did somebody buy us? Yeah, Susan Fortuna. 131 00:05:24,603 --> 00:05:26,163 Huge outfit. 132 00:05:26,163 --> 00:05:27,843 They hate you. 133 00:05:27,843 --> 00:05:29,163 Don't take it personally. 134 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:31,003 Am I dreaming? 135 00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:33,203 Everybody loves sausage fountain, especially you. 136 00:05:33,203 --> 00:05:35,483 Sausage fountain was such a long time ago now, Dan, 137 00:05:35,483 --> 00:05:38,203 and I told you before, you can't keep pulling these stunts. 138 00:05:38,203 --> 00:05:41,483 You have to run the work past checks. Yeah? 139 00:05:41,483 --> 00:05:42,723 Also, you're old. 140 00:05:43,723 --> 00:05:45,403 Sorry. 141 00:05:45,403 --> 00:05:46,443 Here. 142 00:05:47,483 --> 00:05:48,523 What's that? 143 00:05:50,123 --> 00:05:52,003 Is that my severance? 144 00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:53,603 After everything I've done? 145 00:05:55,083 --> 00:05:56,243 Jealousy. 146 00:05:56,243 --> 00:05:58,043 That's what this is! 147 00:05:58,043 --> 00:05:59,923 Where was your sausage fountain, Mickey? 148 00:05:59,923 --> 00:06:02,323 Where was your Colonel Marmalade? 149 00:06:03,723 --> 00:06:05,523 Where was your baked bean militia? 150 00:06:15,323 --> 00:06:17,683 You've got to come to dinner when the Americans are here. 151 00:06:17,683 --> 00:06:19,243 OK? Just in case they're weird. 152 00:06:19,243 --> 00:06:21,403 I mean, their emails are fine, but for all I know, 153 00:06:21,403 --> 00:06:24,163 they have the personal warmth of a coroner. 154 00:06:24,163 --> 00:06:25,283 I'd love to. 155 00:06:25,283 --> 00:06:28,123 Because this Hayden Quiz really works. 156 00:06:28,123 --> 00:06:30,243 I know. I mean, we're totally booked out, like, 157 00:06:30,243 --> 00:06:34,123 meditation, breathing, everything. 158 00:06:34,123 --> 00:06:35,563 So, as... 159 00:06:36,643 --> 00:06:39,203 ..as a little bonus. What is it? 160 00:06:39,203 --> 00:06:40,963 That's my mum's place in the country. 161 00:06:40,963 --> 00:06:44,043 I mean, it's just a shack, but, hey, it's in the woods. 162 00:06:44,043 --> 00:06:47,643 Oh, my God. I've been dreaming of the woods. 163 00:06:47,643 --> 00:06:49,243 Well, take a week there, 164 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:51,043 when we're a bit less busy, 165 00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:53,683 like 3050. 166 00:06:53,683 --> 00:06:55,083 What do you actually do there? 167 00:06:55,083 --> 00:06:56,363 Oh, it's nice. 168 00:06:56,363 --> 00:06:58,683 We normally go there when we fight. Well, one goes, 169 00:06:58,683 --> 00:07:00,043 the other inevitably follows. 170 00:07:00,043 --> 00:07:01,363 Usually me, cos I'm tragic. 171 00:07:01,363 --> 00:07:03,323 You're not tragic. Oh, I'm fucking tragic. 172 00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:06,843 Anyway, so he goes, and... 173 00:07:08,243 --> 00:07:11,203 ..we live on fruit, and wine and sex all weekend. 174 00:07:11,203 --> 00:07:13,683 Oh. And then I really, really, really want lasagne, 175 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:15,483 so we come back to town. 176 00:07:15,483 --> 00:07:17,963 Until he starts to go mad again. 177 00:07:17,963 --> 00:07:19,363 It's very handy. 178 00:07:19,363 --> 00:07:21,963 Yeah. Well, thank you. That's incredible, and I... 179 00:07:23,803 --> 00:07:24,843 SHE MOUTHS 180 00:07:25,883 --> 00:07:27,083 Oh! 181 00:07:27,083 --> 00:07:28,483 Oh, my God. 182 00:07:28,483 --> 00:07:31,003 What the hell is this? 183 00:07:31,003 --> 00:07:32,763 Oh, stop. 184 00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:35,803 Oh, you gotta be kidding me. 185 00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,963 I want to eat it. 186 00:07:37,963 --> 00:07:40,363 Look at you. Is it weird that I want to eat it? 187 00:07:40,363 --> 00:07:42,123 It craps its own weight ten times a day. 188 00:07:42,123 --> 00:07:43,843 I'm just looking after it for neighbour. 189 00:07:43,843 --> 00:07:45,563 What's your name, mister? 190 00:07:45,563 --> 00:07:46,723 Daphne. 191 00:07:46,723 --> 00:07:48,363 Oh, Daphne. 192 00:07:48,363 --> 00:07:50,043 Run away with me. 193 00:07:50,043 --> 00:07:52,043 Well, bring a shovel. 194 00:08:00,243 --> 00:08:02,243 That's it. Look. 195 00:08:02,243 --> 00:08:04,483 Bam, goodbye. 196 00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:07,123 And of course, Carla is talking about squads of children 197 00:08:07,123 --> 00:08:09,003 while complaining that we live in a bread bin. 198 00:08:09,003 --> 00:08:10,443 So... 199 00:08:10,443 --> 00:08:11,763 Why are you smiling? 200 00:08:11,763 --> 00:08:13,443 I can't help it. 201 00:08:13,443 --> 00:08:17,283 Guy I beat at cards last night looks a bit like you. 202 00:08:17,283 --> 00:08:20,003 Couple more years and I'll be out of this fucking game. 203 00:08:20,003 --> 00:08:21,403 I hate sick people. 204 00:08:21,403 --> 00:08:22,603 Your life's so brilliant. 205 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,843 Now you haven't even got a job and you're freaking out. 206 00:08:24,843 --> 00:08:27,283 You wimp. Yes, I'm fucking freaking out, Pete. 207 00:08:27,283 --> 00:08:29,003 I really am fucking freaking out. 208 00:08:29,003 --> 00:08:30,923 So maybe you could give me a pill, you know? 209 00:08:30,923 --> 00:08:32,323 How about that? No. 210 00:08:32,323 --> 00:08:35,323 Karma. That's what this is, for being a dick. 211 00:08:35,323 --> 00:08:36,643 This'll be good for you. 212 00:08:36,643 --> 00:08:39,523 You'll learn all kinds of lessons. HE LAUGHS HEARTILY 213 00:08:45,923 --> 00:08:48,723 When's the last time you lost at cards? 214 00:08:49,723 --> 00:08:51,123 I can't remember. 215 00:08:51,123 --> 00:08:53,683 How about you use my severance? 216 00:08:53,683 --> 00:08:57,123 And then, you know, play with it and then split the take with me? 217 00:08:57,123 --> 00:08:59,723 It could go either way, you know? I mean, I'm very good... 218 00:08:59,723 --> 00:09:01,843 Do it. Go on. I'll wire you the money today. 219 00:09:01,843 --> 00:09:03,483 Do it. Love to. 220 00:09:03,483 --> 00:09:05,483 Sound investment. 221 00:09:05,483 --> 00:09:07,643 Your brother was in the paper again. He bought a bank. 222 00:09:07,643 --> 00:09:09,723 That's got to be a sign you're doing all right. 223 00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:11,083 How come you don't just ask him? 224 00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:13,283 Because that's not how it is in my family, Pete. 225 00:09:13,283 --> 00:09:15,483 Actually, nut-wise, I've been meaning to ask, 226 00:09:15,483 --> 00:09:17,483 can you still get a good look at yours? 227 00:09:17,483 --> 00:09:19,923 At your age, you should still be able to give him a wave. 228 00:09:19,923 --> 00:09:21,523 Yeah. 229 00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:24,283 You spend much time catching up with the guys, do you? 230 00:09:24,283 --> 00:09:27,003 Realistic goals, realistic rewards. 231 00:09:27,003 --> 00:09:28,443 Lose a little weight. 232 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:31,803 As a reward, a nice glass of Rioja, a little mellow jazz, 233 00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:35,643 candles, some quality time with your testicles. 234 00:09:42,923 --> 00:09:44,083 GIGGLING 235 00:09:45,403 --> 00:09:47,123 Thank you so much. 236 00:09:47,123 --> 00:09:49,443 I mean, we'd be lost without our fixer. 237 00:09:49,443 --> 00:09:50,763 Right? Yeah, absolutely. 238 00:09:50,763 --> 00:09:52,043 You are amazing. 239 00:09:52,043 --> 00:09:53,763 Honestly, here's to being busy. 240 00:09:53,763 --> 00:09:54,923 It's so fantastic. 241 00:09:54,923 --> 00:09:57,083 And I love my flowers. They're so beautiful. 242 00:09:57,083 --> 00:09:59,203 Thank you. 243 00:09:59,203 --> 00:10:00,963 So, Kurt, I must ask you... 244 00:10:00,963 --> 00:10:02,843 Finally. 245 00:10:02,843 --> 00:10:05,403 The one man who never asks me anything, he cracks. 246 00:10:05,403 --> 00:10:07,483 JOY LAUGHS 247 00:10:07,483 --> 00:10:10,843 Why do you think so many people come to you for advice? 248 00:10:10,843 --> 00:10:15,363 Because I think I say some simple human truth they already know. 249 00:10:15,363 --> 00:10:17,403 Google and the rest, they own our arses. 250 00:10:17,403 --> 00:10:19,523 They sell us this lie of connection. 251 00:10:19,523 --> 00:10:22,483 And they do nothing real to help us where we suffer 252 00:10:22,483 --> 00:10:24,283 here in our real lives. 253 00:10:24,283 --> 00:10:25,563 Nothing. 254 00:10:25,563 --> 00:10:27,963 I mean, it's like the latest war. 255 00:10:30,123 --> 00:10:33,003 At least in Berlin, we knew who our real friends were. 256 00:10:33,003 --> 00:10:35,443 Come on. The internet is hardly the Stasi. 257 00:10:35,443 --> 00:10:36,483 It's worse. 258 00:10:37,843 --> 00:10:41,563 The Stasi worked hard to break down the individual, the persona. 259 00:10:41,563 --> 00:10:44,043 But today we treat ourselves like machines, 260 00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:46,323 and then we wonder why we feel crazy. 261 00:10:46,323 --> 00:10:47,923 Facebook and the rest, 262 00:10:47,923 --> 00:10:49,683 they can suck my schwanz. 263 00:10:50,763 --> 00:10:52,683 They're probably doing it right now. 264 00:10:52,683 --> 00:10:55,083 You know, a banana, 265 00:10:55,083 --> 00:10:57,443 back then in Berlin, a banana. No, no, no, no! 266 00:10:57,443 --> 00:10:59,363 Nein. Keinen bananan Berlinen. 267 00:10:59,363 --> 00:11:00,843 And just can you go and get the kids? 268 00:11:00,843 --> 00:11:02,723 Cos I'm ready for collapsing. 269 00:11:02,723 --> 00:11:04,003 Sure. All right, all right. 270 00:11:04,003 --> 00:11:06,363 All right. Thanks, Kurt. Kids. 271 00:11:06,363 --> 00:11:08,043 Hey, no hiding. 272 00:11:10,283 --> 00:11:11,963 Alles klar. Ja. 273 00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,843 GERMAN ACCENT: Back then, behind the wall, 274 00:11:13,843 --> 00:11:16,483 a banana was worth pure gold. 275 00:11:16,483 --> 00:11:18,603 We would slice it into nine million pieces, 276 00:11:18,603 --> 00:11:20,643 get naked and sing The Beatles. 277 00:11:20,643 --> 00:11:22,963 I want to hold your kur-fluffen-hausen. 278 00:11:24,563 --> 00:11:25,923 OK. 279 00:11:25,923 --> 00:11:27,843 It's time to say goodbye. 280 00:11:27,843 --> 00:11:30,563 We destroyed your apartment. 281 00:11:30,563 --> 00:11:31,923 Say sorry. 282 00:11:31,923 --> 00:11:34,203 TOGETHER: Sorry for painting in the bathroom. 283 00:11:34,203 --> 00:11:35,683 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 284 00:11:35,683 --> 00:11:37,123 Oh... Painting? 285 00:11:37,123 --> 00:11:39,723 Artie told me to do it. 286 00:11:39,723 --> 00:11:41,483 Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 287 00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,163 I'm sorry, it does wash off. 288 00:11:43,163 --> 00:11:44,403 I mean, we... 289 00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:46,323 ..we love our bathroom paintings. 290 00:11:54,123 --> 00:11:55,843 Guess what? 291 00:11:55,843 --> 00:11:59,963 Joy has given me the keys to her place in the woods. 292 00:11:59,963 --> 00:12:02,043 Mm. 293 00:12:02,043 --> 00:12:03,443 Ooh. 294 00:12:04,523 --> 00:12:06,003 We should get out of town. 295 00:12:09,003 --> 00:12:10,963 City rain not windy enough? 296 00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,563 I want a cat.