MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES
HE GRUNTS
SHE GRUNTS
HE GRUNTS
MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES HE GRUNTS
GRUNTS
MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES
SHE GRUNTS
WOMAN: Tea.
MAN: Tea.
Tea, Dan.
MUMBLING: Tea. Tea, Dan.
Tea, Dan.
Tea, Dan!
Get the tea.
SHE MUTTERS
MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES FAINTLY
MUSIC: Egypt Strut by Salah Ragab and the Cairo Jazz Band
Oh, well done.
You've eaten every single crumb of nice in the flat.
I'll have to go down to the Evil Forest.
Oh, no way. That deli with all the bulging shit and the jumpers
and those awful women. Three quid for a lemon?
No way. But they have all the nice things.
And it's Saturday.
Why am I even justifying this?
I'm a hard-working princess
and you've eaten all my sugar plums. Boo hoo, Your HO-ness.
I don't even know why I'm talking to you anyway, maniac,
I landed on my face.
Yeah, lucky you slept through.
I spiral-fractured about 18 of my fingers.
I barely manage my bowl of Tosty Frots...Frosty Tots.
Bowls, three, big ones.
Which one was the toughest?
Oh, no, have I got mansoobs?
Oh, lefty's looking very chunky.
Don't even say that.
IN ROUGH COCKNEY: Whoa, fucking hell, whoa.
Bleurgh! Oh, come on.
Let's get you all spaffed up downtown.
Heh-heh. Got to keep you pretty, boy.
NORMAL VOICE: Yay, OK, let's go get you a magic expandable bra.
Then we can walk to the forest and protect you
from the wicked sisters.
No, we don't even need anything.
Yeah, I know, but that's the whole point. Don't you get it?
I want stuff we don't need.
It's about pleasure. It's about living, Dan.
My moobs and I are getting into a hole in the ground.
Oh, come on. I hate going down there on my own.
The way they sort of hover and pounce like lame spiders.
If you are going down to the Magic Forest...
Yeah, don't shag the walls.
We're actually out of Frosty Tots.
Do you mind not smelling the jars?
Thank you so much.
Sorry, I was, erm...
..just looking for lentils.
Lentils? What else?
That way.
Rather obviously beside all the other dried goods.
Yeah, you'd know more about dried goods, wouldn't you,
you stupid old bint... Carla.
THEY SCREAM
Oh, my God!
Oh!
So good to see you.
How are you? I'm really good. How are you?
I'm really good, thank you.
THEY CACKLE HAPPILY
Oh, my God!
That is actually the last one we have.
Any better at all?
Have you got anything tighter?
Maybe my yayas could ping out when I say hi.
I'll go and check.
One pieces, anything, talk to me.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hey. Where are you? You said you were hiding.
I had to go and find clothes for the larger-cupped man.
Hey, let's become bakers and wear dungarees.
You'll never believe who I just ran into. Who?
Good, bad, we're moving?
One of my very, very oldest and dearest...
Oh, an ex?
Yeah, how'd you guess?
They always get a good intro.
Who is it this time?
The wrestling chef?
The drumming surgeon?
Or the twins from the sawmill?
Raul only wrestled part time. Weak thumbs.
Maya's the singer.
We've going full evil here, by the way.
We've got loads from the fridges of bitches.
You coming back for lunch or what?
MAYA: Running a bath, OK?
Come and get your bubbles.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Bye, Sam!
No rush, all right? Oh, can you get some bread? Bye.
Fuck, I'm definitely coming.
Oh, my God, my robe.
That is mine. That is my robe.
I've been looking for that for years.
And my green snake ring.
OK, right, the robe was sort of mine.
But because you're cheeky, I'll let you have the ring.
They're both mine.
No, they're not. Yes, they are.
HE SIGHS
What's your secret, pal?
I'm thrilled it's cancelled, to be honest.
My throat is wrecked. Yeah?
Burning the candle, I guess.
But I've still got free festival bollocks. Mm. Yeah.
Got a pair of wellies.. Hello.
..and some face paint.
I heard somewhere guests bring chocolate or wine.
How about weed?
Oh!
Oh, my God, I haven't had weed in ages, mate.
Oh!
I got to say, babes,
you are looking good.
You gargling moonlight, or what?
You happy with your lot?
All this, you know, you and Pat?
Dan.
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not all the time, obviously.
Do you have delight in your life?
Oh, stop.
How's Noddy?
Nellie, who keeps talking about us getting married.
Yeah? Yeah.
Apparently, that's what we really want.
When did you marry Jack?
Dan.
Uh, no, not.
No rings of any kind.
Hmm, I thought maybe you could, uh, give me some advice.
How long you two been together?
A while-ish.
Well, uh, not that long, but, yeah, a bit, a bit, yeah.
Sounds good.
DOOR OPENS
Oh.
I wrote a song about you.
Yeah? I wrote a few, actually, they just came out of me.
I might send you one.
You'll send all of them.
Yeah, I will.
Goddamn. Noah's going to need a bigger boat.
I got us kurvival sits.
I mean, survival kits.
I keep doing that.
Oh. Oh, hello.
Hi. How's it going?
Hey. Hey. Hi.
You could use a towel.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey. So you're the singer.
Dan used to write jingles for ads. Did you get any bread?
I'm a musician.
No. Mm-hm.
What is that? It's... Hey. Isn't it perfect for you?
Look. For me?
Yeah. Look at that.
Seven days a week, I will be not wearing that.
You're insane.
Come on. Seriously? I thought that would be...
Maya, no?
I mean, it, it, it looks good on you.
CARLA CHUCKLES
Um, come and help me with lunch, Inspector?
IN FILM NOIR DETECTIVE VOICE: The dead body's in the library.
It was me.
I knew that.
How?
IN DETECTIVE VOICE: You had a bath.
Oh, you got me.
I'm going to hide out in the hills. SHE CHUCKLES
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
I'll put it there.
So this is a Greek salad.
Sorry. Lovely Greek salad.
This, here, is a delicious dip.
It's just a bit of hummus. Just a bit of hummus,
you're getting this.
Very, very...
..chewy dip.
You can fuck off.
Very nice. Really nice. Really good.
And them, there, uh, are frightening, frankly.
Explain to me,
what is the bit between the beetroot and the lettuce?
That's peas and walnuts.
Why? Because we have peas.
Had.
Now they live in there, with walnuts.
Hello, you're fucking delicious.
I love you guys. This one is moving.
LAUGHING: That one's trying to eat the other one.
No wonder, they're all delicious.
More delicious than each other. Maya.
Ah, no, I'd better get going.
I've got to get to Liverpool tomorrow, so...
This has been so lovely.
It's been really lovely. Hm.
Um...
Cheeky spliff?
Mm, uh, yeah, sure.
Wow, yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
I really like Maya.
She was super cool.
Your best ex yet.
No shit? You only her five times.
Shit, did I?
Wow, their shit is the shit.
WHISPERS: We have cucumbers.
We came in here to steal something good. Shut up.
The point is I'm thieving.
Why aren't you?
SHE GASPS
Poor little inbred bees, all flying off the wrong directions.
Go and get those cute pineapples.
If they see us, we're going to go to delicatessen jail.
They'll beat us with the rhubarb and make us eat the wiggly things.
Oh, shut up, what have you got so far?
SHE SCOFFS
I bet you're wearing, like, ten pairs of knickers.
You're not even naked, are you? Cheat.
I am, apart from the usual plasters,
100% naked and nude in here.
Could be a fib.
Guess not.
Can I get that back now?
Or otherwise we might have a situ-nario.
Promise to put the top on the toothpaste?
Is that your innuendo?
Time was you had standards.
Did I? When?
No, I lied.
MUSIC: Felony by The Allergies
# I thought loving you was a felony
# Was a felony, felony, felony
# Lying next to you
# Forget the world outside
# You... #
You look rather lost.
What exactly is it you two want?
Perhaps we'll just call the police.
We are the police.
Fire squad.
Freeze.
You're wearing Wellington boots.
They're special radio boots, FYI.
We've been watching you for years in our radio boots.
You -
you were in here earlier.
Get back. That was for surveillance snacks.
Get back or a Taser comes.
We've seen the gherkins.
We know where you keep the Dove paste.
You think you're so clever with your little nibbly sponges,
you motherfuckers?
I'm actually going to call the station now.
The police will have a lot of questions.
Yeah? Not as many as us.
And we know who to ask.
This is Alfonso here, our main undercover guy.
Yeah. What do you say, Alfonso?
He's been watching your shit a long time. Yeah.
Oh. Oh, he says you're fucked.
So you better get your story straight.
Straight.
Better match. They better match up, lady.
Nobody move.