1 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,480 MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES 2 00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:08,560 HE GRUNTS 3 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,120 SHE GRUNTS 4 00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,560 HE GRUNTS 5 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,080 MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES HE GRUNTS 6 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,240 HE GRUNTS 7 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,360 GRUNTS 8 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:24,880 MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES 9 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:32,920 SHE GRUNTS 10 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,320 WOMAN: Tea. 11 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:39,560 MAN: Tea. 12 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,360 Tea, Dan. 13 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,800 MUMBLING: Tea. Tea, Dan. 14 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,840 Tea, Dan. 15 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,280 Tea, Dan. 16 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:53,840 Tea, Dan! 17 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:54,880 Get the tea. 18 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,240 SHE MUTTERS 19 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,360 MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES FAINTLY 20 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:11,440 MUSIC: Egypt Strut by Salah Ragab and the Cairo Jazz Band 21 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:38,840 Oh, well done. 22 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:41,000 You've eaten every single crumb of nice in the flat. 23 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,600 I'll have to go down to the Evil Forest. 24 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,400 Oh, no way. That deli with all the bulging shit and the jumpers 25 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,440 and those awful women. Three quid for a lemon? 26 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,880 No way. But they have all the nice things. 27 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,440 And it's Saturday. 28 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,440 Why am I even justifying this? 29 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,120 I'm a hard-working princess 30 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,880 and you've eaten all my sugar plums. Boo hoo, Your HO-ness. 31 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,200 I don't even know why I'm talking to you anyway, maniac, 32 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,640 I landed on my face. 33 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,040 Yeah, lucky you slept through. 34 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,880 I spiral-fractured about 18 of my fingers. 35 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,080 I barely manage my bowl of Tosty Frots...Frosty Tots. 36 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,280 Bowls, three, big ones. 37 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,760 Which one was the toughest? 38 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,760 Oh, no, have I got mansoobs? 39 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,640 Oh, lefty's looking very chunky. 40 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:19,880 Don't even say that. 41 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,800 IN ROUGH COCKNEY: Whoa, fucking hell, whoa. 42 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,680 Bleurgh! Oh, come on. 43 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,120 Let's get you all spaffed up downtown. 44 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,000 Heh-heh. Got to keep you pretty, boy. 45 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,760 NORMAL VOICE: Yay, OK, let's go get you a magic expandable bra. 46 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,920 Then we can walk to the forest and protect you 47 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,200 from the wicked sisters. 48 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,840 No, we don't even need anything. 49 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,480 Yeah, I know, but that's the whole point. Don't you get it? 50 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,000 I want stuff we don't need. 51 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,600 It's about pleasure. It's about living, Dan. 52 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,160 My moobs and I are getting into a hole in the ground. 53 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,680 Oh, come on. I hate going down there on my own. 54 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,960 The way they sort of hover and pounce like lame spiders. 55 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,480 If you are going down to the Magic Forest... 56 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,079 Yeah, don't shag the walls. 57 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,200 We're actually out of Frosty Tots. 58 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,440 Do you mind not smelling the jars? 59 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,960 Thank you so much. 60 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,240 Sorry, I was, erm... 61 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,200 ..just looking for lentils. 62 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,240 Lentils? What else? 63 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:17,600 That way. 64 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,680 Rather obviously beside all the other dried goods. 65 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,600 Yeah, you'd know more about dried goods, wouldn't you, 66 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,520 you stupid old bint... Carla. 67 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,640 THEY SCREAM 68 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:36,680 Oh, my God! 69 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,200 Oh! 70 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,280 So good to see you. 71 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,880 How are you? I'm really good. How are you? 72 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,480 I'm really good, thank you. 73 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,120 THEY CACKLE HAPPILY 74 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,800 Oh, my God! 75 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,520 That is actually the last one we have. 76 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,040 Any better at all? 77 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,920 Have you got anything tighter? 78 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:10,320 Maybe my yayas could ping out when I say hi. 79 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,120 I'll go and check. 80 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,720 One pieces, anything, talk to me. 81 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,320 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 82 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,120 Hey. Where are you? You said you were hiding. 83 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:27,160 I had to go and find clothes for the larger-cupped man. 84 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,480 Hey, let's become bakers and wear dungarees. 85 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,240 You'll never believe who I just ran into. Who? 86 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,040 Good, bad, we're moving? 87 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,920 One of my very, very oldest and dearest... 88 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,440 Oh, an ex? 89 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,080 Yeah, how'd you guess? 90 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,880 They always get a good intro. 91 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,480 Who is it this time? 92 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,280 The wrestling chef? 93 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:44,280 The drumming surgeon? 94 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,360 Or the twins from the sawmill? 95 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,040 Raul only wrestled part time. Weak thumbs. 96 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,840 Maya's the singer. 97 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:52,440 We've going full evil here, by the way. 98 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,360 We've got loads from the fridges of bitches. 99 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,600 You coming back for lunch or what? 100 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,320 MAYA: Running a bath, OK? 101 00:04:58,320 --> 00:04:59,640 Come and get your bubbles. 102 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,440 I'm coming. I'm coming. 103 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,320 Bye, Sam! 104 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:04,800 No rush, all right? Oh, can you get some bread? Bye. 105 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,440 Fuck, I'm definitely coming. 106 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,680 Oh, my God, my robe. 107 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,720 That is mine. That is my robe. 108 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,360 I've been looking for that for years. 109 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,400 And my green snake ring. 110 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,240 OK, right, the robe was sort of mine. 111 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,840 But because you're cheeky, I'll let you have the ring. 112 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,240 They're both mine. 113 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,520 No, they're not. Yes, they are. 114 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,040 HE SIGHS 115 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,080 What's your secret, pal? 116 00:05:37,159 --> 00:05:39,200 I'm thrilled it's cancelled, to be honest. 117 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,360 My throat is wrecked. Yeah? 118 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,760 Burning the candle, I guess. 119 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,040 But I've still got free festival bollocks. Mm. Yeah. 120 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:49,200 Got a pair of wellies.. Hello. 121 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,200 ..and some face paint. 122 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,440 I heard somewhere guests bring chocolate or wine. 123 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,880 How about weed? 124 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,159 Oh! 125 00:05:58,159 --> 00:05:59,240 Oh, my God, I haven't had weed in ages, mate. 126 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,200 Oh! 127 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,240 I got to say, babes, 128 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,440 you are looking good. 129 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,720 You gargling moonlight, or what? 130 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,720 You happy with your lot? 131 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,560 All this, you know, you and Pat? 132 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,640 Dan. 133 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:17,880 Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not all the time, obviously. 134 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,120 Do you have delight in your life? 135 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,720 Oh, stop. 136 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,320 How's Noddy? 137 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,080 Nellie, who keeps talking about us getting married. 138 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:29,480 Yeah? Yeah. 139 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,160 Apparently, that's what we really want. 140 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,560 When did you marry Jack? 141 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,360 Dan. 142 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,200 Uh, no, not. 143 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,440 No rings of any kind. 144 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,600 Hmm, I thought maybe you could, uh, give me some advice. 145 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:45,000 How long you two been together? 146 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,040 A while-ish. 147 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,560 Well, uh, not that long, but, yeah, a bit, a bit, yeah. 148 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,560 Sounds good. 149 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,200 DOOR OPENS 150 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:53,200 Oh. 151 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,920 I wrote a song about you. 152 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:55,960 Yeah? I wrote a few, actually, they just came out of me. 153 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,960 I might send you one. 154 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,840 You'll send all of them. 155 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,200 Yeah, I will. 156 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,720 Goddamn. Noah's going to need a bigger boat. 157 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,480 I got us kurvival sits. 158 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,840 I mean, survival kits. 159 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,680 I keep doing that. 160 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,760 Oh. Oh, hello. 161 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,120 Hi. How's it going? 162 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,440 Hey. Hey. Hi. 163 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,400 You could use a towel. 164 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:24,960 Thank you. Thank you. 165 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,160 Hey. So you're the singer. 166 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,960 Dan used to write jingles for ads. Did you get any bread? 167 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,320 I'm a musician. 168 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,720 No. Mm-hm. 169 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,240 What is that? It's... Hey. Isn't it perfect for you? 170 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,240 Look. For me? 171 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,159 Yeah. Look at that. 172 00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:41,480 Seven days a week, I will be not wearing that. 173 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,000 You're insane. 174 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,200 Come on. Seriously? I thought that would be... 175 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,520 Maya, no? 176 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,520 I mean, it, it, it looks good on you. 177 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:50,240 CARLA CHUCKLES 178 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,600 Um, come and help me with lunch, Inspector? 179 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,640 IN FILM NOIR DETECTIVE VOICE: The dead body's in the library. 180 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,360 It was me. 181 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,000 I knew that. 182 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:00,000 How? 183 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,040 IN DETECTIVE VOICE: You had a bath. 184 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,600 Oh, you got me. 185 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,000 I'm going to hide out in the hills. SHE CHUCKLES 186 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,480 HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY 187 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,040 I'll put it there. 188 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,040 So this is a Greek salad. 189 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:10,040 Sorry. Lovely Greek salad. 190 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,200 This, here, is a delicious dip. 191 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,360 It's just a bit of hummus. Just a bit of hummus, 192 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,320 you're getting this. 193 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,800 Very, very... 194 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,240 ..chewy dip. 195 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,360 You can fuck off. 196 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,400 Very nice. Really nice. Really good. 197 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,640 And them, there, uh, are frightening, frankly. 198 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,440 Explain to me, 199 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:35,159 what is the bit between the beetroot and the lettuce? 200 00:08:35,159 --> 00:08:38,440 That's peas and walnuts. 201 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:42,720 Why? Because we have peas. 202 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,240 Had. 203 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,440 Now they live in there, with walnuts. 204 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,120 Hello, you're fucking delicious. 205 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,360 I love you guys. This one is moving. 206 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,080 LAUGHING: That one's trying to eat the other one. 207 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,960 No wonder, they're all delicious. 208 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,880 More delicious than each other. Maya. 209 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,000 Ah, no, I'd better get going. 210 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,200 I've got to get to Liverpool tomorrow, so... 211 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,760 This has been so lovely. 212 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:04,360 It's been really lovely. Hm. 213 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,600 Um... 214 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,200 Cheeky spliff? 215 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,560 Mm, uh, yeah, sure. 216 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,680 Wow, yeah. 217 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,000 Fuck, yeah. 218 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,480 I really like Maya. 219 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,800 She was super cool. 220 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,400 Your best ex yet. 221 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,440 No shit? You only her five times. 222 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,000 Shit, did I? 223 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,520 Wow, their shit is the shit. 224 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,040 WHISPERS: We have cucumbers. 225 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,640 We came in here to steal something good. Shut up. 226 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,560 The point is I'm thieving. 227 00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,120 Why aren't you? 228 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,320 SHE GASPS 229 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,000 Poor little inbred bees, all flying off the wrong directions. 230 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,760 Go and get those cute pineapples. 231 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,600 If they see us, we're going to go to delicatessen jail. 232 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:01,600 They'll beat us with the rhubarb and make us eat the wiggly things. 233 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,960 Oh, shut up, what have you got so far? 234 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:11,640 SHE SCOFFS 235 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,720 I bet you're wearing, like, ten pairs of knickers. 236 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,120 You're not even naked, are you? Cheat. 237 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,880 I am, apart from the usual plasters, 238 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,720 100% naked and nude in here. 239 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:29,840 Could be a fib. 240 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,240 Guess not. 241 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,160 Can I get that back now? 242 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,200 Or otherwise we might have a situ-nario. 243 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,760 Promise to put the top on the toothpaste? 244 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,400 Is that your innuendo? 245 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,840 Time was you had standards. 246 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,520 Did I? When? 247 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,000 No, I lied. 248 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,400 MUSIC: Felony by The Allergies 249 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,480 # I thought loving you was a felony 250 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,160 # Was a felony, felony, felony 251 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,240 # Lying next to you 252 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,360 # Forget the world outside 253 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,240 # You... # 254 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,920 You look rather lost. 255 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:41,320 What exactly is it you two want? 256 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,560 Perhaps we'll just call the police. 257 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,360 We are the police. 258 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,440 Fire squad. 259 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,800 Freeze. 260 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,600 You're wearing Wellington boots. 261 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,800 They're special radio boots, FYI. 262 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,000 We've been watching you for years in our radio boots. 263 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,480 You - 264 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:03,760 you were in here earlier. 265 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,320 Get back. That was for surveillance snacks. 266 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,800 Get back or a Taser comes. 267 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,800 We've seen the gherkins. 268 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,080 We know where you keep the Dove paste. 269 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,400 You think you're so clever with your little nibbly sponges, 270 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,800 you motherfuckers? 271 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,160 I'm actually going to call the station now. 272 00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,880 The police will have a lot of questions. 273 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,440 Yeah? Not as many as us. 274 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,240 And we know who to ask. 275 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,520 This is Alfonso here, our main undercover guy. 276 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:27,480 Yeah. What do you say, Alfonso? 277 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,480 He's been watching your shit a long time. Yeah. 278 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,600 Oh. Oh, he says you're fucked. 279 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:32,960 So you better get your story straight. 280 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,480 Straight. 281 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,960 Better match. They better match up, lady. 282 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,480 Nobody move.