1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,040 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,080 Would you describe your... I'll fix it. I will. 3 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:07,520 Yeah, and I'll burst into flames. 4 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:10,120 Would you describe your relationship as stable, exciting... 5 00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:12,880 Agony. These quizzes are for chumps who don't know 6 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,560 they're chumps doing quizzes. 7 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:15,800 We got this. 8 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,960 "The Hayden Quiz." That thing is straight off your desk, isn't it? 9 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,680 Yeah, but it's spooky accurate about who you are. 10 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:25,360 These Californians we're working with, 11 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,400 it's like really clever shit. 12 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,840 Come on. Who are we? 13 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:31,480 What do we want? Why do we never have any fun? 14 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,520 These questions are weird. Who's more trusting? 15 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,360 That's you, cos you know nothing about the real world. 16 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:37,520 Thank you. 17 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:38,840 What's that? 18 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:40,080 Who's more realistic? 19 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,400 Well, that's me. I win that point. 20 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:43,840 No-one wins. 21 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,800 Why so competitive? 22 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:47,080 Right on. 23 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,360 Genes, family, some other losers. 24 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,760 And realistic, without me, you'd be in jail. 25 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,600 I am in jail. 26 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:54,960 I mean, I'm not blaming you, Dan, 27 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,640 but you did make us buy this flat, now it's worth half of fuck all. 28 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,600 Why don't you ask your brother for a loan? 29 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:02,920 At least you don't blame me. 30 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,800 Hey, look, we're doing it. 31 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,320 The plan is the plan. 32 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:09,160 The plan, that's the beauty of the plan. 33 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,760 We're going to get out of here. We're going to get our own place. 34 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,000 We're going to have a family. We're on track. 35 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,120 So you wouldn't ask him? 36 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,600 I'm not asking Declan for anything. 37 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,200 But he'd help, though, wouldn't he? 38 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,600 Yeah, he's my brother. 39 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,480 But you're not going to ask? 40 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,160 No. He's my brother. 41 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,000 Yeah, of course. I only know the world is real because 42 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:35,680 you still haven't fixed my bedside cabinet. 43 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,800 I will do it. 44 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,080 Oh, here's a big one. 45 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,120 Dog or cat? 46 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:45,960 We both know if either of us ever wanted a cat, 47 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,640 it would all be over. 48 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,400 I know even in a fur coat and everything. 49 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,560 But the way they look at you, 50 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,720 it's like they know something. 51 00:01:56,039 --> 00:01:58,120 They know you have a can opener. 52 00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,720 SHE SIGHS AND MUSIC PLAYS 53 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,320 Like a proper nightmare. 54 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:34,400 Thunderstorms, snarling tigers. 55 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,040 After folding your wings, you became a huge shock, 56 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,400 obviously, a dictator with two moustaches. 57 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:41,600 There's no room. 58 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,720 Look, it was under your penis. 59 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,040 You're a winged dictator with a dick-tache. 60 00:02:48,079 --> 00:02:50,360 You want to meet later at that nice coffee joint? 61 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,000 I can't. Crazy busy. 62 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,480 We're through the roof. 63 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,640 So much anxiety. 64 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:57,480 Everyone's fucking losing it. 65 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,000 People come in now saying, "Fuck, I can't feel my head." 66 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,560 It's great for business. 67 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,920 Mm, and I've got to finish that quiz later. 68 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,560 It'll give me something to laugh about when Joy and Kurt get here. 69 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,800 You didn't invite Joy and Kurt round this weekend. 70 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,200 You didn't do that! You didn't! 71 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:12,800 They're just dropping in for a bit. 72 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,600 Oh, no. 73 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:19,920 Spiritual growth, and energy eggs, and chakras and... 74 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,640 Oh... Yes, we know your views. 75 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,320 Thank you for re-re-resharing. 76 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,880 It's just a really quick kind of casual chat. 77 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,240 You can't have a casual chat with Kurt. 78 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,800 The man is a bonfire. 79 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,440 He helps a lot of people! 80 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,880 What, shit themselves? 81 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,079 Fix their lives! 82 00:03:35,079 --> 00:03:37,200 Look, he's got five million followers now. 83 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,960 Five million?! 84 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,240 What? Yeah. 85 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,920 Jesus. Joy is always accidentally bending his spoons. 86 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:47,760 He is a spoon, lodged in a rub of merde. 87 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,480 My lipstick. Oh, but you do it! 88 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,120 Go on, you just come over and sit on me? 89 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,280 Yeah. 90 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,920 I just waxed my moustache. 91 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,480 Did you get some toast? 92 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:02,760 Mm, a little bit. 93 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,400 See you later, knobber. 94 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:06,480 Yeah. 95 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,600 Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here. 96 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,120 Ooh! Sorry. Stupid suit. 97 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,760 Have a good one. 98 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,400 You're serious? 99 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,640 Fight that fight. 100 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,160 I'm a sausage! 101 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,200 Hey, Mickey. 102 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,040 Got a great hook for that burger song. 103 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,120 It's killer. 104 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,360 # I'll be chicken 105 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,160 # I ain't fooling 106 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,440 # I'll be chicken you'll be drooling. # 107 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,159 And then it goes into this chorus thing, which is... 108 00:04:36,159 --> 00:04:37,720 What is this shit? 109 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,440 They just told me it's already printed. 110 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,360 You didn't even run it by me, Dan. 111 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,440 Why does the chicken have nipples? 112 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:45,480 Hey? 113 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,240 And neck tattoos. 114 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,120 "Be drooling"? Really? 115 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,960 You said you wanted something zippy. Yeah, I wanted something zippy. 116 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,480 This is... 117 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:54,720 ..ba-fucked! 118 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,560 I don't have the time now to redo all this. 119 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,560 All right, all right. Time. Time. 120 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,680 He's at dinner. Then he clocks his friends. 121 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,760 We have a clock in the background going ding, 122 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,760 he clocks his friends. And we go, "Hello... 123 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,160 "..it's chicken time." 124 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,040 What? No, no, no. 125 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,360 You kept giving us duds, mate. You didn't get it. 126 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,560 There's new owners. It's a whole new deal around here. 127 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,160 And you really pissed them off. 128 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,680 I couldn't protect you. 129 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,760 You're talking in the past tense, Mickey. 130 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:24,560 Did somebody buy us? Yeah, Susan Fortuna. 131 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,120 Huge outfit. 132 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:27,800 They hate you. 133 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,120 Don't take it personally. 134 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,960 Am I dreaming? 135 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,159 Everybody loves sausage fountain, especially you. 136 00:05:33,159 --> 00:05:35,440 Sausage fountain was such a long time ago now, Dan, 137 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,159 and I told you before, you can't keep pulling these stunts. 138 00:05:38,159 --> 00:05:41,440 You have to run the work past checks. Yeah? 139 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,680 Also, you're old. 140 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,360 Sorry. 141 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:46,400 Here. 142 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:48,480 What's that? 143 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,960 Is that my severance? 144 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,560 After everything I've done? 145 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,200 Jealousy. 146 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,000 That's what this is! 147 00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,880 Where was your sausage fountain, Mickey? 148 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,280 Where was your Colonel Marmalade? 149 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,480 Where was your baked bean militia? 150 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,640 You've got to come to dinner when the Americans are here. 151 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,200 OK? Just in case they're weird. 152 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,360 I mean, their emails are fine, but for all I know, 153 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,120 they have the personal warmth of a coroner. 154 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:25,240 I'd love to. 155 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:28,080 Because this Hayden Quiz really works. 156 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,200 I know. I mean, we're totally booked out, like, 157 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:34,080 meditation, breathing, everything. 158 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,520 So, as... 159 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,159 ..as a little bonus. What is it? 160 00:06:39,159 --> 00:06:40,920 That's my mum's place in the country. 161 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,000 I mean, it's just a shack, but, hey, it's in the woods. 162 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,600 Oh, my God. I've been dreaming of the woods. 163 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,200 Well, take a week there, 164 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,000 when we're a bit less busy, 165 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,640 like 3050. 166 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,040 What do you actually do there? 167 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,320 Oh, it's nice. 168 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,640 We normally go there when we fight. Well, one goes, 169 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,000 the other inevitably follows. 170 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,320 Usually me, cos I'm tragic. 171 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,280 You're not tragic. Oh, I'm fucking tragic. 172 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,800 Anyway, so he goes, and... 173 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,160 ..we live on fruit, and wine and sex all weekend. 174 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,640 Oh. And then I really, really, really want lasagne, 175 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,440 so we come back to town. 176 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,920 Until he starts to go mad again. 177 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:19,320 It's very handy. 178 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,920 Yeah. Well, thank you. That's incredible, and I... 179 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:24,800 SHE MOUTHS 180 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,040 Oh! 181 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,440 Oh, my God. 182 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,960 What the hell is this? 183 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,720 Oh, stop. 184 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,760 Oh, you gotta be kidding me. 185 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,920 I want to eat it. 186 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,320 Look at you. Is it weird that I want to eat it? 187 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,080 It craps its own weight ten times a day. 188 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:43,800 I'm just looking after it for neighbour. 189 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,520 What's your name, mister? 190 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:46,680 Daphne. 191 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,320 Oh, Daphne. 192 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,000 Run away with me. 193 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,000 Well, bring a shovel. 194 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,200 That's it. Look. 195 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,440 Bam, goodbye. 196 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:07,080 And of course, Carla is talking about squads of children 197 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,960 while complaining that we live in a bread bin. 198 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,400 So... 199 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,720 Why are you smiling? 200 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,400 I can't help it. 201 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:17,240 Guy I beat at cards last night looks a bit like you. 202 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,960 Couple more years and I'll be out of this fucking game. 203 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,360 I hate sick people. 204 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:22,560 Your life's so brilliant. 205 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,800 Now you haven't even got a job and you're freaking out. 206 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,240 You wimp. Yes, I'm fucking freaking out, Pete. 207 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,960 I really am fucking freaking out. 208 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,880 So maybe you could give me a pill, you know? 209 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,280 How about that? No. 210 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,280 Karma. That's what this is, for being a dick. 211 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,600 This'll be good for you. 212 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,480 You'll learn all kinds of lessons. HE LAUGHS HEARTILY 213 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,680 When's the last time you lost at cards? 214 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,080 I can't remember. 215 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,640 How about you use my severance? 216 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,080 And then, you know, play with it and then split the take with me? 217 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,680 It could go either way, you know? I mean, I'm very good... 218 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,800 Do it. Go on. I'll wire you the money today. 219 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,440 Do it. Love to. 220 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,440 Sound investment. 221 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,600 Your brother was in the paper again. He bought a bank. 222 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,680 That's got to be a sign you're doing all right. 223 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,040 How come you don't just ask him? 224 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,240 Because that's not how it is in my family, Pete. 225 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,440 Actually, nut-wise, I've been meaning to ask, 226 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,440 can you still get a good look at yours? 227 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,880 At your age, you should still be able to give him a wave. 228 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,480 Yeah. 229 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,240 You spend much time catching up with the guys, do you? 230 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,960 Realistic goals, realistic rewards. 231 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,400 Lose a little weight. 232 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,760 As a reward, a nice glass of Rioja, a little mellow jazz, 233 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,600 candles, some quality time with your testicles. 234 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,040 GIGGLING 235 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,080 Thank you so much. 236 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,400 I mean, we'd be lost without our fixer. 237 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,720 Right? Yeah, absolutely. 238 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,000 You are amazing. 239 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,720 Honestly, here's to being busy. 240 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:54,880 It's so fantastic. 241 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,040 And I love my flowers. They're so beautiful. 242 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:59,160 Thank you. 243 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,920 So, Kurt, I must ask you... 244 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,800 Finally. 245 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,360 The one man who never asks me anything, he cracks. 246 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,440 JOY LAUGHS 247 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,800 Why do you think so many people come to you for advice? 248 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:15,320 Because I think I say some simple human truth they already know. 249 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,360 Google and the rest, they own our arses. 250 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,480 They sell us this lie of connection. 251 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,440 And they do nothing real to help us where we suffer 252 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,240 here in our real lives. 253 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,520 Nothing. 254 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,920 I mean, it's like the latest war. 255 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,960 At least in Berlin, we knew who our real friends were. 256 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,400 Come on. The internet is hardly the Stasi. 257 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,440 It's worse. 258 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,520 The Stasi worked hard to break down the individual, the persona. 259 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,000 But today we treat ourselves like machines, 260 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,280 and then we wonder why we feel crazy. 261 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:47,880 Facebook and the rest, 262 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,640 they can suck my schwanz. 263 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,640 They're probably doing it right now. 264 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,040 You know, a banana, 265 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,400 back then in Berlin, a banana. No, no, no, no! 266 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,320 Nein. Keinen bananan Berlinen. 267 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:00,800 And just can you go and get the kids? 268 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,680 Cos I'm ready for collapsing. 269 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:03,960 Sure. All right, all right. 270 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,320 All right. Thanks, Kurt. Kids. 271 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,000 Hey, no hiding. 272 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:11,920 Alles klar. Ja. 273 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,800 GERMAN ACCENT: Back then, behind the wall, 274 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,440 a banana was worth pure gold. 275 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,560 We would slice it into nine million pieces, 276 00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,600 get naked and sing The Beatles. 277 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,920 I want to hold your kur-fluffen-hausen. 278 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:25,880 OK. 279 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,800 It's time to say goodbye. 280 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,520 We destroyed your apartment. 281 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,880 Say sorry. 282 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,160 TOGETHER: Sorry for painting in the bathroom. 283 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,640 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 284 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,080 Oh... Painting? 285 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,680 Artie told me to do it. 286 00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,440 Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 287 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,120 I'm sorry, it does wash off. 288 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,360 I mean, we... 289 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,280 ..we love our bathroom paintings. 290 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,800 Guess what? 291 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:59,920 Joy has given me the keys to her place in the woods. 292 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,000 Mm. 293 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,400 Ooh. 294 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:05,960 We should get out of town. 295 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,920 City rain not windy enough? 296 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,520 I want a cat.