This programme contains strong language
Would you describe your... I'll fix it. I will.
Yeah, and I'll burst into flames.
Would you describe your relationship as stable, exciting...
Agony. These quizzes are for chumps who don't know
they're chumps doing quizzes.
We got this.
"The Hayden Quiz." That thing is straight off your desk, isn't it?
Yeah, but it's spooky accurate about who you are.
These Californians we're working with,
it's like really clever shit.
Come on. Who are we?
What do we want? Why do we never have any fun?
These questions are weird. Who's more trusting?
That's you, cos you know nothing about the real world.
Thank you.
What's that?
Who's more realistic?
Well, that's me. I win that point.
No-one wins.
Why so competitive?
Right on.
Genes, family, some other losers.
And realistic, without me, you'd be in jail.
I am in jail.
I mean, I'm not blaming you, Dan,
but you did make us buy this flat, now it's worth half of fuck all.
Why don't you ask your brother for a loan?
At least you don't blame me.
Hey, look, we're doing it.
The plan is the plan.
The plan, that's the beauty of the plan.
We're going to get out of here. We're going to get our own place.
We're going to have a family. We're on track.
So you wouldn't ask him?
I'm not asking Declan for anything.
But he'd help, though, wouldn't he?
Yeah, he's my brother.
But you're not going to ask?
No. He's my brother.
Yeah, of course. I only know the world is real because
you still haven't fixed my bedside cabinet.
I will do it.
Oh, here's a big one.
Dog or cat?
We both know if either of us ever wanted a cat,
it would all be over.
I know even in a fur coat and everything.
But the way they look at you,
it's like they know something.
They know you have a can opener.
SHE SIGHS AND MUSIC PLAYS
Like a proper nightmare.
Thunderstorms, snarling tigers.
After folding your wings, you became a huge shock,
obviously, a dictator with two moustaches.
There's no room.
Look, it was under your penis.
You're a winged dictator with a dick-tache.
You want to meet later at that nice coffee joint?
I can't. Crazy busy.
We're through the roof.
So much anxiety.
Everyone's fucking losing it.
People come in now saying, "Fuck, I can't feel my head."
It's great for business.
Mm, and I've got to finish that quiz later.
It'll give me something to laugh about when Joy and Kurt get here.
You didn't invite Joy and Kurt round this weekend.
You didn't do that! You didn't!
They're just dropping in for a bit.
Oh, no.
Spiritual growth, and energy eggs, and chakras and...
Oh... Yes, we know your views.
Thank you for re-re-resharing.
It's just a really quick kind of casual chat.
You can't have a casual chat with Kurt.
The man is a bonfire.
He helps a lot of people!
What, shit themselves?
Fix their lives!
Look, he's got five million followers now.
Five million?!
What? Yeah.
Jesus. Joy is always accidentally bending his spoons.
He is a spoon, lodged in a rub of merde.
My lipstick. Oh, but you do it!
Go on, you just come over and sit on me?
Yeah.
I just waxed my moustache.
Did you get some toast?
Mm, a little bit.
See you later, knobber.
Yeah.
Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here.
Ooh! Sorry. Stupid suit.
Have a good one.
You're serious?
Fight that fight.
I'm a sausage!
Hey, Mickey.
Got a great hook for that burger song.
It's killer.
# I'll be chicken
# I ain't fooling
# I'll be chicken you'll be drooling. #
And then it goes into this chorus thing, which is...
What is this shit?
They just told me it's already printed.
You didn't even run it by me, Dan.
Why does the chicken have nipples?
Hey?
And neck tattoos.
"Be drooling"? Really?
You said you wanted something zippy. Yeah, I wanted something zippy.
This is...
..ba-fucked!
I don't have the time now to redo all this.
All right, all right. Time. Time.
He's at dinner. Then he clocks his friends.
We have a clock in the background going ding,
he clocks his friends. And we go, "Hello...
"..it's chicken time."
What? No, no, no.
You kept giving us duds, mate. You didn't get it.
There's new owners. It's a whole new deal around here.
And you really pissed them off.
I couldn't protect you.
You're talking in the past tense, Mickey.
Did somebody buy us? Yeah, Susan Fortuna.
Huge outfit.
They hate you.
Don't take it personally.
Am I dreaming?
Everybody loves sausage fountain, especially you.
Sausage fountain was such a long time ago now, Dan,
and I told you before, you can't keep pulling these stunts.
You have to run the work past checks. Yeah?
Also, you're old.
Sorry.
Here.
What's that?
Is that my severance?
After everything I've done?
Jealousy.
That's what this is!
Where was your sausage fountain, Mickey?
Where was your Colonel Marmalade?
Where was your baked bean militia?
You've got to come to dinner when the Americans are here.
OK? Just in case they're weird.
I mean, their emails are fine, but for all I know,
they have the personal warmth of a coroner.
I'd love to.
Because this Hayden Quiz really works.
I know. I mean, we're totally booked out, like,
meditation, breathing, everything.
So, as...
..as a little bonus. What is it?
That's my mum's place in the country.
I mean, it's just a shack, but, hey, it's in the woods.
Oh, my God. I've been dreaming of the woods.
Well, take a week there,
when we're a bit less busy,
like 3050.
What do you actually do there?
Oh, it's nice.
We normally go there when we fight. Well, one goes,
the other inevitably follows.
Usually me, cos I'm tragic.
You're not tragic. Oh, I'm fucking tragic.
Anyway, so he goes, and...
..we live on fruit, and wine and sex all weekend.
Oh. And then I really, really, really want lasagne,
so we come back to town.
Until he starts to go mad again.
It's very handy.
Yeah. Well, thank you. That's incredible, and I...
SHE MOUTHS
Oh!
Oh, my God.
What the hell is this?
Oh, stop.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
I want to eat it.
Look at you. Is it weird that I want to eat it?
It craps its own weight ten times a day.
I'm just looking after it for neighbour.
What's your name, mister?
Daphne.
Oh, Daphne.
Run away with me.
Well, bring a shovel.
That's it. Look.
Bam, goodbye.
And of course, Carla is talking about squads of children
while complaining that we live in a bread bin.
So...
Why are you smiling?
I can't help it.
Guy I beat at cards last night looks a bit like you.
Couple more years and I'll be out of this fucking game.
I hate sick people.
Your life's so brilliant.
Now you haven't even got a job and you're freaking out.
You wimp. Yes, I'm fucking freaking out, Pete.
I really am fucking freaking out.
So maybe you could give me a pill, you know?
How about that? No.
Karma. That's what this is, for being a dick.
This'll be good for you.
You'll learn all kinds of lessons. HE LAUGHS HEARTILY
When's the last time you lost at cards?
I can't remember.
How about you use my severance?
And then, you know, play with it and then split the take with me?
It could go either way, you know? I mean, I'm very good...
Do it. Go on. I'll wire you the money today.
Do it. Love to.
Sound investment.
Your brother was in the paper again. He bought a bank.
That's got to be a sign you're doing all right.
How come you don't just ask him?
Because that's not how it is in my family, Pete.
Actually, nut-wise, I've been meaning to ask,
can you still get a good look at yours?
At your age, you should still be able to give him a wave.
Yeah.
You spend much time catching up with the guys, do you?
Realistic goals, realistic rewards.
Lose a little weight.
As a reward, a nice glass of Rioja, a little mellow jazz,
candles, some quality time with your testicles.
GIGGLING
Thank you so much.
I mean, we'd be lost without our fixer.
Right? Yeah, absolutely.
You are amazing.
Honestly, here's to being busy.
It's so fantastic.
And I love my flowers. They're so beautiful.
Thank you.
So, Kurt, I must ask you...
Finally.
The one man who never asks me anything, he cracks.
JOY LAUGHS
Why do you think so many people come to you for advice?
Because I think I say some simple human truth they already know.
Google and the rest, they own our arses.
They sell us this lie of connection.
And they do nothing real to help us where we suffer
here in our real lives.
Nothing.
I mean, it's like the latest war.
At least in Berlin, we knew who our real friends were.
Come on. The internet is hardly the Stasi.
It's worse.
The Stasi worked hard to break down the individual, the persona.
But today we treat ourselves like machines,
and then we wonder why we feel crazy.
Facebook and the rest,
they can suck my schwanz.
They're probably doing it right now.
You know, a banana,
back then in Berlin, a banana. No, no, no, no!
Nein. Keinen bananan Berlinen.
And just can you go and get the kids?
Cos I'm ready for collapsing.
Sure. All right, all right.
All right. Thanks, Kurt. Kids.
Hey, no hiding.
Alles klar. Ja.
GERMAN ACCENT: Back then, behind the wall,
a banana was worth pure gold.
We would slice it into nine million pieces,
get naked and sing The Beatles.
I want to hold your kur-fluffen-hausen.
OK.
It's time to say goodbye.
We destroyed your apartment.
Say sorry.
TOGETHER: Sorry for painting in the bathroom.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh... Painting?
Artie told me to do it.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I'm sorry, it does wash off.
I mean, we...
..we love our bathroom paintings.
Guess what?
Joy has given me the keys to her place in the woods.
Mm.
Ooh.
We should get out of town.
City rain not windy enough?
I want a cat.