1 00:00:06,043 --> 00:00:11,043 In the first brilliant instalment of this soon-to-be award-winning series, 2 00:00:11,123 --> 00:00:14,603 I showed you, for the first time and better than anyone else, 3 00:00:14,683 --> 00:00:18,283 how humankind dragged itself out of caveman times, 4 00:00:18,363 --> 00:00:22,083 invented farming, thinking and sand triangles, 5 00:00:22,163 --> 00:00:26,163 and eventually founded the brand-new city of ancient Rome. 6 00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:28,243 But that wasn't the end of the story, obviously, 7 00:00:28,323 --> 00:00:30,523 because it was only episode one. 8 00:00:30,603 --> 00:00:33,843 There was no denying man had come an incredible distance. 9 00:00:33,923 --> 00:00:38,283 But could he come even further? Or was he spent and in need of a lie down? 10 00:00:39,323 --> 00:00:43,003 To reach the next level, humanoid kind would need to believe 11 00:00:43,083 --> 00:00:47,923 in something bigger than man himself, bigger even than elephant itself. 12 00:00:48,003 --> 00:00:51,883 In this episode, I'll see how humankind found religion, 13 00:00:51,963 --> 00:00:55,203 and we'll settle an argument that has raged for centuries. 14 00:00:55,283 --> 00:00:58,243 Which is better, the Bible or the "Korran"? 15 00:00:58,923 --> 00:01:01,203 -The Koran. -So that one. 16 00:01:01,283 --> 00:01:03,483 It all happened right here, 17 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:06,043 on the only planet still worth fighting for. 18 00:01:06,123 --> 00:01:08,203 This is Cunk on Earth. 19 00:01:08,283 --> 00:01:10,523 [epic music playing] 20 00:01:19,083 --> 00:01:20,523 [peaceful music playing] 21 00:01:20,603 --> 00:01:22,003 [birds singing] 22 00:01:23,563 --> 00:01:27,123 The time is half past Rome o'clock B.C. 23 00:01:27,203 --> 00:01:30,403 The Romanite Empire is at its most biggest. 24 00:01:30,483 --> 00:01:33,043 But despite the fancy columns and mosaics, 25 00:01:33,123 --> 00:01:36,323 there was an emptiness at the heart of Roman culture. 26 00:01:36,403 --> 00:01:41,243 Holding endless wine-fueled orgies in cramped vomitoriums is all very well. 27 00:01:41,323 --> 00:01:44,963 But eventually you need something more. And also a mop. 28 00:01:45,643 --> 00:01:47,843 Humans craved enlighteningment. 29 00:01:47,923 --> 00:01:51,603 To find it, they'd need a spiritual role model, an icon, 30 00:01:51,683 --> 00:01:53,843 an almost Christ-like figure. 31 00:01:53,923 --> 00:01:55,203 And as luck would have it, 32 00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:58,003 someone fitting that bill was about to arrive. 33 00:01:58,083 --> 00:02:00,883 None other than Mr. Jesus Christ. 34 00:02:01,683 --> 00:02:03,763 He was born in a humble stable, 35 00:02:03,843 --> 00:02:07,403 which, ironically, isn't a stable environment for a baby, 36 00:02:07,483 --> 00:02:09,003 unless it's a baby donkey, 37 00:02:09,083 --> 00:02:12,403 which, if records are to be believed, Jesus wasn't. 38 00:02:12,483 --> 00:02:15,643 In fact, as this actual painting makes clear, 39 00:02:15,723 --> 00:02:19,683 when Christ was born, he had a magic flaming circle on his head 40 00:02:19,763 --> 00:02:23,123 which would have set fire to all the hay and pubes as he came out. 41 00:02:23,883 --> 00:02:26,643 Don't worry, I'm doing Islam later. 42 00:02:26,723 --> 00:02:30,803 Jesus was born Jewish, but soon converted to carpentry 43 00:02:30,883 --> 00:02:34,363 as he followed his dad into the primitive chair-and-table industry. 44 00:02:35,243 --> 00:02:38,323 What's ironic about Jesus Christ becoming a carpenter 45 00:02:38,403 --> 00:02:41,883 was he was actually named after the two words you're most likely to shout 46 00:02:41,963 --> 00:02:43,923 after hitting your thumb with a hammer. 47 00:02:44,003 --> 00:02:47,123 Scholars believe he was a real historical figure, 48 00:02:47,203 --> 00:02:50,123 like Justin Timberlake or Garfield. 49 00:02:50,683 --> 00:02:53,123 Whether or not they think he was the actual son of God 50 00:02:53,203 --> 00:02:54,843 who performed miracles 51 00:02:54,923 --> 00:02:58,123 like walking on wine or helping a deaf man see… 52 00:02:59,163 --> 00:03:02,043 they all agree he preached tolerance and forgiveness, 53 00:03:02,123 --> 00:03:04,883 a message so important his most ardent followers 54 00:03:04,963 --> 00:03:08,803 would eventually start killing anyone who didn't want to hear it. 55 00:03:11,523 --> 00:03:16,403 Little wonder this radicalized wood smith scared the Roman authorities. 56 00:03:16,483 --> 00:03:20,403 They considered Jesus so dangerous they had him crucified. 57 00:03:20,483 --> 00:03:24,763 And not just a little, but all the way to death. 58 00:03:25,803 --> 00:03:28,483 Just imagine Christ's conflicted emotions. 59 00:03:28,563 --> 00:03:32,483 He'd been sent to Earth to save mankind, and yet here he was, 60 00:03:32,563 --> 00:03:36,163 enduring the physical agony of being nailed to a cross, 61 00:03:36,243 --> 00:03:40,683 while also knowing what a great logo it would make for his long-term campaign. 62 00:03:40,763 --> 00:03:44,123 Jesus was killed because people didn't like what he was saying. 63 00:03:44,203 --> 00:03:48,043 So could you call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture? 64 00:03:49,203 --> 00:03:53,923 I think cancel culture would sort of require 65 00:03:54,003 --> 00:03:57,043 the idea that people 66 00:03:57,123 --> 00:04:02,723 really saw Jesus as standing for something and they were sure they knew what it was. 67 00:04:02,803 --> 00:04:04,963 No, sorry. That wasn't a question. 68 00:04:05,043 --> 00:04:06,883 I'm literally asking if you could call him 69 00:04:06,963 --> 00:04:10,363 the first celebrity victim of cancel culture for our show. 70 00:04:10,443 --> 00:04:11,963 Down that lens there. 71 00:04:13,203 --> 00:04:18,443 Just, you know, it's for a credit sequence with punchy soundbites in it. 72 00:04:18,523 --> 00:04:21,643 Off you go. Down that lens. 73 00:04:21,723 --> 00:04:24,122 -Okay, down this lens? -Yeah. 74 00:04:24,203 --> 00:04:29,163 You might even say Jesus was the first celebrity victim of cancel culture. 75 00:04:29,243 --> 00:04:31,243 Brilliant. Thank you. 76 00:04:31,323 --> 00:04:35,483 But incredibly, just when it seemed the life of Christ was over, 77 00:04:35,563 --> 00:04:39,803 he respawned, danced up a hill and leapt all the way up into heaven, 78 00:04:39,883 --> 00:04:43,443 breaking all world records for a standing jump in the process. 79 00:04:43,523 --> 00:04:47,403 During his lifetime, Jesus only had 12 followers, 80 00:04:47,483 --> 00:04:50,643 fewer even than my Uncle Steve's uninspiring Instagram account. 81 00:04:50,723 --> 00:04:54,043 But that all changed once his teachings began to spread 82 00:04:54,123 --> 00:04:56,243 in the form of the written word. 83 00:04:56,323 --> 00:05:00,523 After he died, Jesus came back to Earth in the form of a book, didn't he? 84 00:05:00,603 --> 00:05:04,563 Why do Christians call that special book the "Bibbel"? 85 00:05:04,643 --> 00:05:07,443 -The Bible? -Is that how it's pronounced? 86 00:05:07,523 --> 00:05:10,483 I've literally never heard anyone say it before. How'd you say it? 87 00:05:10,563 --> 00:05:13,843 -Bible. -So why is it spelt "Bibbel"? 88 00:05:13,923 --> 00:05:17,363 Because I've seen it written down. B-I-B-L-E. 89 00:05:17,443 --> 00:05:18,803 -Yeah, Bible. -Bibbel. 90 00:05:18,883 --> 00:05:23,323 Christ's message was spread far and wide by the Apostles 91 00:05:23,403 --> 00:05:25,683 almost 2,000 years before the release 92 00:05:25,763 --> 00:05:28,243 of Belgian techno anthem "Pump Up the Jam." 93 00:05:28,323 --> 00:05:30,323 [techno music playing] 94 00:05:43,523 --> 00:05:45,763 ♪ Pump up the jam, pump it up ♪ 95 00:05:45,843 --> 00:05:47,483 ♪ While your feet are stomping ♪ 96 00:05:47,563 --> 00:05:49,403 ♪ And the jam is pumping ♪ 97 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,723 ♪ Look ahead, the crowd is jumping ♪ 98 00:05:51,803 --> 00:05:53,363 ♪ Pump it up a little more ♪ 99 00:05:53,443 --> 00:05:55,203 ♪ Get the party going On the dance floor ♪ 100 00:05:55,283 --> 00:05:57,123 ♪ See, 'cause that's Where the party's at ♪ 101 00:05:57,203 --> 00:05:59,883 ♪ And you'll find out if you do that ♪ 102 00:05:59,963 --> 00:06:03,163 ♪ I want a place to stay ♪ 103 00:06:03,243 --> 00:06:05,803 ♪ Get your booty On the floor tonight ♪ 104 00:06:05,883 --> 00:06:07,523 ♪ Make my day ♪ 105 00:06:07,603 --> 00:06:10,763 ♪ I want a place to stay ♪ 106 00:06:10,843 --> 00:06:12,883 ♪ Get your booty on the floor-- ♪ 107 00:06:12,963 --> 00:06:16,323 But not everyone appreciated the swinging sound of Christianity, 108 00:06:16,403 --> 00:06:19,443 especially in Rome, where Christians were persecuted, 109 00:06:19,523 --> 00:06:21,043 which is Latin for "shat on." 110 00:06:21,123 --> 00:06:24,643 And if you were a Christian back then, perhaps the worst place to find yourself 111 00:06:24,723 --> 00:06:28,843 was the Colosseum, an area of misery on a par with Birmingham. 112 00:06:29,803 --> 00:06:33,403 It was here the Romans first threw Christians to the lions, 113 00:06:33,483 --> 00:06:36,723 possibly to see if their pacifist message would rub off on the beasts 114 00:06:36,803 --> 00:06:39,203 and make them less angry and bitey. 115 00:06:40,083 --> 00:06:43,243 If a Christian won, right, and ate a lion, 116 00:06:43,323 --> 00:06:46,003 would they then go forward to the next round? 117 00:06:46,083 --> 00:06:49,083 You know, and would they have to eat something else, 118 00:06:49,163 --> 00:06:51,403 like a whole horse or something? 119 00:06:51,483 --> 00:06:55,923 There's not a lot of evidence that they threw very many Christians to the lions. 120 00:06:56,003 --> 00:07:00,403 Just for this, can you pretend that loads of Christians were thrown to the lions? 121 00:07:00,483 --> 00:07:03,043 Really? But that's wrong. 122 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:06,483 Do you think the Christians would forgive the lions for eating them 123 00:07:06,563 --> 00:07:07,843 while it was happening? 124 00:07:07,923 --> 00:07:09,523 They probably didn't blame the lions. 125 00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:13,163 I mean, a lion was only doing what lions naturally do. 126 00:07:13,243 --> 00:07:16,683 Do we know how the lions felt about only ever being given one thing to eat? 127 00:07:16,763 --> 00:07:19,283 Can't have been fun, can it? You know. 128 00:07:19,363 --> 00:07:23,363 Imagine if every day your lunch was just screaming and wouldn't stop. 129 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:26,003 That's going to have an impact on your mental health. 130 00:07:26,083 --> 00:07:27,803 -The mental health of lions. -Yeah. 131 00:07:27,883 --> 00:07:28,923 Hmm. 132 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:32,643 Incredibly, within a few hundred years, 133 00:07:32,723 --> 00:07:35,083 the Romans had become Christians themselves. 134 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,123 But why? 135 00:07:36,203 --> 00:07:40,483 Tragically, none of the people involved in ancient Rome are still alive today. 136 00:07:40,563 --> 00:07:44,083 So to find out why that happened, we have to sift through ancient texts, 137 00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:46,723 like you do at the end of a relationship. 138 00:07:46,803 --> 00:07:49,243 Thanks to the modern science of reading, 139 00:07:49,323 --> 00:07:51,803 we now know the Roman Emperor Constantine, 140 00:07:51,883 --> 00:07:54,283 whose name means constant or unchanging, 141 00:07:54,363 --> 00:07:58,003 one day unexpectedly changed to Christianity. 142 00:07:59,923 --> 00:08:02,963 Soon, all the Romans had converted to Christianity, 143 00:08:03,043 --> 00:08:04,163 and shortly after that, 144 00:08:04,243 --> 00:08:06,883 they stopped throwing Christians to the lions altogether. 145 00:08:06,963 --> 00:08:09,163 No one knows why. 146 00:08:10,643 --> 00:08:14,043 The Romans had found God almost overnight. 147 00:08:14,123 --> 00:08:18,203 What is it about religion that can win us over so unexpectedly? 148 00:08:19,003 --> 00:08:23,043 Why do humans need to believe in something bigger than ourselves? 149 00:08:23,123 --> 00:08:26,203 Is it so we don't feel quite so fat? 150 00:08:26,283 --> 00:08:32,923 Well, I think the sense of purpose and value 151 00:08:33,003 --> 00:08:38,563 constitutes a very important element of a happy life. 152 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:39,602 But it must help. 153 00:08:39,683 --> 00:08:41,602 If you think how big the world is, 154 00:08:42,363 --> 00:08:45,043 suddenly you feel a lot slimmer. 155 00:08:45,123 --> 00:08:46,363 Quite possibly. 156 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:49,763 Some people have a sudden religious conversion, don't they? 157 00:08:49,843 --> 00:08:54,723 My mate Paul was driving to Winchester when a lorry jack-knifed in front of him 158 00:08:54,803 --> 00:08:58,763 and he was hurtling towards it and everything went slo-mo. 159 00:08:58,843 --> 00:09:02,523 And Paul, who's never been religious, spoke to Jesus and said, 160 00:09:02,603 --> 00:09:05,883 "I promise if I survive this, I'll believe in you." 161 00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:10,603 And he did survive, but he fractured his skull and broke both his legs. 162 00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:12,603 Why did Jesus do that to him? 163 00:09:12,683 --> 00:09:18,403 Well, you've raised a very significant question about the nature of providence. 164 00:09:18,483 --> 00:09:20,163 -Have I? -You have, indeed. 165 00:09:20,843 --> 00:09:24,283 If we believe in a good God, 166 00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:28,403 why is there so much evil in the world? 167 00:09:28,483 --> 00:09:30,443 -Now, your friend… -Paul. 168 00:09:30,523 --> 00:09:33,163 …Paul, his accident, 169 00:09:33,243 --> 00:09:37,603 uh, you know, to what extent can one blame God for that? 170 00:09:37,683 --> 00:09:40,043 See, Paul never forgave him. 171 00:09:40,123 --> 00:09:43,363 He said, "If I ever see Christ again, he's a dead man." 172 00:09:45,603 --> 00:09:47,003 Right. 173 00:09:47,803 --> 00:09:50,843 Rome had become a beacon of Christian faith. 174 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:53,243 But disaster was just around the corner, 175 00:09:53,323 --> 00:09:56,323 because the Romans had converted to a religion of peace 176 00:09:56,403 --> 00:09:58,723 just in time to have their arse handed to them 177 00:09:58,803 --> 00:10:02,083 by some people who mainly believed in hammers and smashing. 178 00:10:02,163 --> 00:10:03,603 They were the Vandals, 179 00:10:03,683 --> 00:10:07,243 an ancient group notorious for their appetite for destruction, 180 00:10:07,323 --> 00:10:08,683 like Guns N' Roses. 181 00:10:10,483 --> 00:10:11,683 [horn honks] 182 00:10:13,483 --> 00:10:17,003 Right now I'm standing on, and also in, modern Rome, 183 00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:21,723 which, by an incredible coincidence, is on the same site as the ancient one. 184 00:10:21,803 --> 00:10:26,243 And it's here the Vandals' terrifying assault on the city took place. 185 00:10:26,323 --> 00:10:29,803 The Vandal hordes would have swept through there, 186 00:10:29,883 --> 00:10:33,523 past the coffee shop with the rude staff, all the way down here, 187 00:10:33,603 --> 00:10:36,163 killing, looting and burning as they went. 188 00:10:36,243 --> 00:10:40,123 We also know that traffic intersection wouldn't have been there at that time, 189 00:10:40,203 --> 00:10:41,563 so they could have safely ignored 190 00:10:41,643 --> 00:10:44,683 any associated road signals during their invasion. 191 00:10:44,763 --> 00:10:47,243 Also, that pizza place wouldn't have been open 192 00:10:47,323 --> 00:10:50,203 because they think the rampage happened on a Sunday. 193 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:53,203 And according to TripAdvisor, it closes over the weekend 194 00:10:53,283 --> 00:10:55,883 and isn't suitable for large groups anyway. 195 00:10:55,963 --> 00:11:00,283 But everything else you see around here would have been completely destroyed. 196 00:11:02,083 --> 00:11:04,963 By the time the Vandals rolled out of this part of the city 197 00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:06,243 and into the next one, 198 00:11:06,323 --> 00:11:09,763 they'd left nothing but destruction and horseshit in their wake. 199 00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:15,043 Rome had been sacked, destroyed, properly fucked to bits. 200 00:11:15,123 --> 00:11:19,203 And once Rome fell, the entire Roman Empire went kaput. 201 00:11:19,283 --> 00:11:23,963 The grim period that followed became known as the "Darkages." 202 00:11:25,923 --> 00:11:27,323 Ow, shit! 203 00:11:27,403 --> 00:11:31,003 "Darkages" sort of sounds like a symptom, doesn't it? 204 00:11:31,083 --> 00:11:33,083 You know, maybe like a plague thing. 205 00:11:33,163 --> 00:11:36,803 -Do you mean the Dark Ages? -Oh, right, is that what it is? 206 00:11:36,883 --> 00:11:41,723 If you mean an old-fashioned term for the early Middle Ages. 207 00:11:41,803 --> 00:11:44,523 -Right. -Except we don't use that term anymore. 208 00:11:44,603 --> 00:11:45,643 Oh, do we not? 209 00:11:45,723 --> 00:11:48,043 Well, it has very negative connotations 210 00:11:48,123 --> 00:11:51,963 of being a dark and ignorant and benighted time, and, um… 211 00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:54,203 -Which it was. -Not really. 212 00:11:54,283 --> 00:11:58,643 It had fantastic thinkers and historians and artists and authors. 213 00:11:58,723 --> 00:12:00,923 But it was a bit shit. 214 00:12:01,003 --> 00:12:03,883 The Dark Ages was a depressing era 215 00:12:03,963 --> 00:12:06,963 during which the whole of Europe fumbled about in the dark, 216 00:12:07,043 --> 00:12:10,483 banging its shins on stuff and getting all diseases up its bum. 217 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,483 It must have properly done people's heads in. 218 00:12:13,563 --> 00:12:15,683 Whenever you see medieval times, 219 00:12:15,763 --> 00:12:20,443 there's this sort of annoying "hey nonny no" music playing constantly. 220 00:12:20,523 --> 00:12:23,963 -Yeah, pretty much. -You know, that music, that sort of… 221 00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:26,483 [imitating nasal-sounding woodwind] 222 00:12:28,763 --> 00:12:30,083 Yeah. 223 00:12:39,963 --> 00:12:42,203 Yep. There's a lot of that. 224 00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:45,203 Where's that sound coming from? Couldn't they switch it off? 225 00:12:45,283 --> 00:12:48,323 The Dark Ages were a tragedy for human progress 226 00:12:48,403 --> 00:12:52,523 that put back the rollout of 5G by hundreds of years. 227 00:12:52,603 --> 00:12:57,323 So we've had the Dark Ages. Has there been a Light Ages? 228 00:12:57,403 --> 00:13:02,923 Well, the claim was made by people in the early modern period, 229 00:13:03,003 --> 00:13:06,563 the so-called Renaissance, that theirs was the age of light. 230 00:13:06,643 --> 00:13:08,923 And then, of course, we have a whole era later 231 00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:11,563 that people called the Enlightenment. 232 00:13:11,643 --> 00:13:14,843 Is that in this episode or will that come up later? 233 00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:17,323 Well, I'm guessing it will come up later. 234 00:13:17,403 --> 00:13:19,443 Which episode are we in now? 235 00:13:19,523 --> 00:13:23,083 Um, I… Probably something about the Middle Ages. 236 00:13:24,043 --> 00:13:27,883 Yeah, but is it, like, episode three or episode four? 237 00:13:28,603 --> 00:13:32,563 -I'm afraid I'm not sure. -We're both just lost here, aren't we? 238 00:13:32,643 --> 00:13:35,003 This is fucking awful. 239 00:13:35,923 --> 00:13:38,563 But luckily, Europe wasn't the only country 240 00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:39,923 having a history back then. 241 00:13:40,003 --> 00:13:43,603 Boffins now believe other countries, such as South America and Asia, 242 00:13:43,683 --> 00:13:45,643 were having their own histories too. 243 00:13:45,723 --> 00:13:47,683 And they were keeping civilization going 244 00:13:47,763 --> 00:13:50,523 in their own funny, exotic, foreign little ways. 245 00:13:51,643 --> 00:13:53,563 This is the city of Chichen Itza, 246 00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:56,523 built by the Mayan people in what is now Mexico. 247 00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:59,603 And this is its centerpiece, the Temple of Kukulkan. 248 00:13:59,683 --> 00:14:01,923 If you were brought here a thousand years ago, 249 00:14:02,003 --> 00:14:04,963 chances are you were about to be sacrificed to appease Chaac, 250 00:14:05,043 --> 00:14:06,763 the Mayan god of rain. 251 00:14:06,843 --> 00:14:09,843 Today, you're perhaps more likely to be dropping by as part of a pleasant day trip 252 00:14:09,923 --> 00:14:13,003 out from the nearby holiday resort of Tulum. 253 00:14:13,923 --> 00:14:14,963 That's where I'm staying, 254 00:14:15,043 --> 00:14:18,323 at the five-star Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa. 255 00:14:18,403 --> 00:14:20,523 This all-inclusive resort, 256 00:14:20,603 --> 00:14:22,603 nestling on the picture-perfect Tulum coastline, 257 00:14:22,683 --> 00:14:25,043 really is the last word in luxury. 258 00:14:25,123 --> 00:14:28,963 All the rooms are en suite, and with this stunning ocean view, 259 00:14:29,043 --> 00:14:31,323 it's hard to think of a reason to get out of bed. 260 00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:34,563 Apart, of course, from the beautiful beach and constant sunshine 261 00:14:34,643 --> 00:14:36,683 right here on your doorstep. 262 00:14:36,763 --> 00:14:40,603 If the sunny skies get too much, there are three pools to cool off in, 263 00:14:40,683 --> 00:14:42,923 including one for adults only. 264 00:14:43,003 --> 00:14:46,483 There's plenty for the little ones too, with the Turtle Club giving them 265 00:14:46,563 --> 00:14:50,403 the holiday of their allegedly important little lives so far. 266 00:14:50,483 --> 00:14:53,123 And with five onsite restaurants to choose from, 267 00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:55,163 you'll never get bored of the food. 268 00:14:55,243 --> 00:14:58,523 If all that wasn't enough, the stunning Inspiration Spa 269 00:14:58,603 --> 00:15:03,523 offers world-class wellness options, from toenail filing to vigorous rubbing. 270 00:15:04,283 --> 00:15:07,483 And when the sun goes down, the nightlife begins. 271 00:15:07,563 --> 00:15:10,603 With local spirits, wines and beers all included, 272 00:15:10,683 --> 00:15:13,043 there's no reason to hold back. 273 00:15:13,123 --> 00:15:17,843 With sunshine all day and partying all night, you won't want to go home. 274 00:15:17,923 --> 00:15:20,643 [announcer] Philomena stayed five nights at the Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa. 275 00:15:20,723 --> 00:15:23,323 All-inclusive prices start at £200 per person per night 276 00:15:23,403 --> 00:15:24,323 based on two sharing. 277 00:15:24,403 --> 00:15:27,803 VAT not included. Terms and conditions apply. 278 00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:32,803 [peaceful music playing] 279 00:15:32,883 --> 00:15:35,123 [Philomena] While the Mayans worshiped their gods, 280 00:15:35,203 --> 00:15:37,443 thousands of miles away in Arabia, 281 00:15:37,523 --> 00:15:42,123 a prophet named Muhammad was founding another religion, Islam. 282 00:15:42,963 --> 00:15:45,923 Apparently, Islam can be a sensitive topic, 283 00:15:46,003 --> 00:15:47,203 and the producers say 284 00:15:47,283 --> 00:15:49,243 if I don't follow this script to the letter, 285 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:53,323 there's a chance I'll cause a serious international incident. 286 00:15:59,443 --> 00:16:03,163 That's quite a blow, to be honest. It's all right, I'll busk it. 287 00:16:03,883 --> 00:16:08,523 So, what can we say about Islam? Well, for one thing-- 288 00:16:08,603 --> 00:16:10,483 [easy-listening music playing] 289 00:16:23,043 --> 00:16:26,563 I, for one, don't think any of that is controversial at all. 290 00:16:27,123 --> 00:16:30,883 Islam represented a radical break from previous religions 291 00:16:30,963 --> 00:16:34,563 because the buildings it happened inside were a slightly different shape. 292 00:16:35,963 --> 00:16:38,083 It expanded across the globe 293 00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:42,163 almost as quickly as Fox News thinks it still does today. 294 00:16:42,243 --> 00:16:45,643 It was an apparently irresistible spread, like Nutella. 295 00:16:45,723 --> 00:16:47,443 [crunching] 296 00:16:47,523 --> 00:16:51,723 [mouth full] The Koran says accumulating knowledge is a worthy act. 297 00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:56,483 So Islamic mega nerds created the first universities and libraries… 298 00:16:57,043 --> 00:17:00,283 [crunching] …containing all the world's knowledge, 299 00:17:00,363 --> 00:17:04,923 which, at that point, could probably fit into one pamphlet, to be fair. 300 00:17:10,803 --> 00:17:11,763 Mm. 301 00:17:16,043 --> 00:17:19,362 Because they needed more knowledge to fill their libraries, 302 00:17:19,443 --> 00:17:21,603 Muslim boffins got into maths. 303 00:17:21,683 --> 00:17:27,763 Calculus, geometry, and of course the most Islamic-sounding one, al-gebra. 304 00:17:28,443 --> 00:17:34,003 Not to be outdone, Christianity was also expanding, thanks to missionaries. 305 00:17:34,083 --> 00:17:36,723 The missionaries were known for their position, 306 00:17:36,803 --> 00:17:39,443 which was that the big man, God, was on top 307 00:17:39,523 --> 00:17:43,243 and the rest of us had to lie back and take it. 308 00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:47,563 Sent by the Pope, missionaries took the Bible and the cross 309 00:17:47,643 --> 00:17:52,803 and set out from here, painstakingly making their way right across the map. 310 00:17:52,883 --> 00:17:57,083 And eventually ending up all the way over here in Ireland, 311 00:17:57,163 --> 00:18:01,243 where they spread the word by reading aloud from the… 312 00:18:01,323 --> 00:18:03,683 Hold on, I forgot the book. 313 00:18:04,603 --> 00:18:08,243 Travel in those days was exceptionally perilous and grueling, 314 00:18:08,323 --> 00:18:11,683 so the early missionaries wouldn't have wanted to undertake their journey twice 315 00:18:11,763 --> 00:18:13,323 any more than I do. 316 00:18:14,043 --> 00:18:16,163 But once they arrived at their destination, 317 00:18:16,243 --> 00:18:19,083 what they brought would change the world forever. 318 00:18:19,163 --> 00:18:21,563 The Bible and the… 319 00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:23,843 Who moved the cross? 320 00:18:23,923 --> 00:18:27,163 Christianity was the fidget spinner of medieval times, 321 00:18:27,243 --> 00:18:30,003 a huge craze that would last forever. 322 00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:33,003 It led to a boom in religious iconography. 323 00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:35,923 Images of Jesus were everywhere you looked. 324 00:18:36,963 --> 00:18:40,123 In medieval times, there were lots of paintings of Jesus. 325 00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,643 How did he find the time to pose for the artists? 326 00:18:42,723 --> 00:18:44,883 What was his availability like? 327 00:18:44,963 --> 00:18:48,883 Well, he was everywhere, always… 328 00:18:48,963 --> 00:18:51,403 -Hmm. -…figuratively speaking. 329 00:18:51,483 --> 00:18:54,443 So they're painting him from memory, 330 00:18:54,523 --> 00:18:58,083 like someone describing an intruder to a police sketch artist, 331 00:18:58,163 --> 00:19:01,363 but an intruder who's the son of God. 332 00:19:01,443 --> 00:19:05,163 In old paintings of Jesus, he comes in two modes, doesn't he? 333 00:19:05,243 --> 00:19:09,483 He's either a baby or he's being crucified. 334 00:19:09,563 --> 00:19:13,043 Are there any paintings where he is being crucified as a baby? 335 00:19:14,643 --> 00:19:16,923 No. No. 336 00:19:17,003 --> 00:19:20,603 Right. They missed an opportunity there, didn't they, to play the sympathy card. 337 00:19:20,683 --> 00:19:23,683 Did Jesus ever paint himself? 338 00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:25,683 Uh… 339 00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,123 I don't believe so. 340 00:19:27,203 --> 00:19:29,323 Certainly there's no record of that happening. 341 00:19:29,403 --> 00:19:30,803 Can we be sure? 342 00:19:30,883 --> 00:19:34,123 You know, he might not have signed it. He was quite modest, wasn't he? 343 00:19:34,803 --> 00:19:39,403 He… Well, he was modest in parts. He did also say he was the son of God. 344 00:19:39,483 --> 00:19:43,723 -Yeah. He could have kept that quiet. -Then he wouldn't have been killed. 345 00:19:43,803 --> 00:19:46,083 Yeah. What an idiot. 346 00:19:46,163 --> 00:19:49,843 Of course, Jesus wasn't the only deity to inspire art. 347 00:19:49,923 --> 00:19:52,243 There are lots of paintings of Muhammad too. 348 00:19:52,323 --> 00:19:55,283 But our producer had to sign a form, promising not to show them. 349 00:19:55,883 --> 00:20:00,403 By the 11th century, most European countries had converted to Christianity, 350 00:20:00,483 --> 00:20:04,003 but it didn't stop them constantly going to war with each other. 351 00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:08,283 Then in 1095, Pope Urban II persuaded them to stop fighting, 352 00:20:08,363 --> 00:20:12,883 come together in harmony and attack the Muslims instead. 353 00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:16,763 The European kings agreed and launched a sort of armed charity drive 354 00:20:16,843 --> 00:20:20,083 to forcibly provide the Islamic world with crucifixes. 355 00:20:20,163 --> 00:20:22,203 They called it "cruce-aid." 356 00:20:22,923 --> 00:20:25,523 Soon, armies from Europe headed east, 357 00:20:25,603 --> 00:20:28,843 hoping to dish out a righteous international kicking. 358 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:34,883 So, during the Crusades, the crusaders went all the way to Jerusalem in armor. 359 00:20:34,963 --> 00:20:38,683 That sounds really uncomfortable. Was it sponsored? 360 00:20:39,483 --> 00:20:42,003 It was sponsored by the church, you could say. 361 00:20:42,083 --> 00:20:43,203 -Yeah. -Um… 362 00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:45,323 Because these expeditions had to be funded. 363 00:20:45,403 --> 00:20:46,283 Yeah. 364 00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:51,283 My mate Paul did a 30-mile sponsored walk to Harrogate dressed as Spider-Man 365 00:20:51,363 --> 00:20:52,803 for Help for Heroes. 366 00:20:52,883 --> 00:20:57,323 And on the day he had terrible diarrhea, but he soldiered on. 367 00:20:57,403 --> 00:21:02,483 And it was one of the most noble but disgusting things I've ever seen. 368 00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:05,203 Eventually, the organizers had to intervene, 369 00:21:05,283 --> 00:21:07,363 but he raised £368. 370 00:21:07,443 --> 00:21:10,563 You know, the Crusaders never did that, did they? 371 00:21:11,363 --> 00:21:12,643 No. 372 00:21:12,723 --> 00:21:16,323 In 1099, the Christians captured Jerusalem, 373 00:21:16,403 --> 00:21:18,723 but then they made a tactical mistake. 374 00:21:18,803 --> 00:21:20,643 They went home without it. 375 00:21:20,723 --> 00:21:23,203 So the Muslims, under their leader Saladin, 376 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:27,003 crusaded right back, retaking Jerusalem in the process. 377 00:21:27,763 --> 00:21:31,363 By now, everyone was really into the Crusades. 378 00:21:31,443 --> 00:21:34,563 So they started holding them regularly, fighting back and forth 379 00:21:34,643 --> 00:21:37,963 to see which side would win Jerusalem this year. 380 00:21:38,043 --> 00:21:40,403 The Crusades sound very violent. 381 00:21:40,483 --> 00:21:44,763 Why can't the religions all learn to live together in peace like they do in Ireland? 382 00:21:45,843 --> 00:21:48,483 I think if you find someone who knows the answer to that question, 383 00:21:48,563 --> 00:21:51,403 then you should definitely, um, 384 00:21:51,483 --> 00:21:52,963 publicize it as soon as possible. 385 00:21:53,043 --> 00:21:54,523 Right, yeah. Okay. 386 00:21:55,363 --> 00:21:57,643 But while Christians and Muslims came to blows, 387 00:21:57,723 --> 00:22:02,003 one man miles away decided he'd show them what proper warmongering looked like. 388 00:22:03,643 --> 00:22:06,723 That man was the leader of the Mongols, Genghis Khan. 389 00:22:06,803 --> 00:22:12,203 In Mongol, "khan" means king, and "Genghis" means… something else. 390 00:22:13,283 --> 00:22:15,963 These days, Genghis Khan comes up in conversation 391 00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:18,643 less often than Dennis Quaid, 392 00:22:18,723 --> 00:22:21,843 but back then he was the most feared man on Earth. 393 00:22:22,803 --> 00:22:25,243 Genghis and his Mongols went Mongoling free 394 00:22:25,323 --> 00:22:27,643 across much of Europe and Asia. 395 00:22:27,723 --> 00:22:31,963 Millions of thousands of people were mercilessly slaughtered. 396 00:22:32,043 --> 00:22:33,963 Many of them got their heads chopped off. 397 00:22:34,043 --> 00:22:37,163 Others had their legs hacked off first, then an arm or something. 398 00:22:37,243 --> 00:22:40,803 Then maybe their face, which was probably still screaming as it flew across the hut, 399 00:22:40,883 --> 00:22:42,243 or wherever they lived. 400 00:22:42,323 --> 00:22:45,523 Then the invaders might have taken the carcasses and hacked them up 401 00:22:45,603 --> 00:22:47,043 and boiled them into soup 402 00:22:47,123 --> 00:22:51,043 and carved all the discarded pelvis bones into big ladles to drink it with, 403 00:22:51,123 --> 00:22:53,843 and then sat around the fireplace slurping their gory soup 404 00:22:53,923 --> 00:22:55,723 and laughing and blowing off. 405 00:22:55,803 --> 00:22:58,123 Honestly, it was seriously out of order. 406 00:22:58,203 --> 00:23:02,243 How much blood in terms of pints 407 00:23:02,323 --> 00:23:06,043 was spilt because of Genghis Khan? 408 00:23:06,123 --> 00:23:10,283 Well, you'd have to somehow know the number of people killed. 409 00:23:10,363 --> 00:23:11,323 Right. 410 00:23:11,403 --> 00:23:16,283 There were stories of a few hundred Mongol soldiers 411 00:23:16,363 --> 00:23:19,603 dispatching perhaps up to a million people. 412 00:23:19,683 --> 00:23:21,763 How many pints are in a person? 413 00:23:21,843 --> 00:23:25,283 -I think eight. -So minimum eight million pints. 414 00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:26,363 Yes. 415 00:23:26,443 --> 00:23:28,843 And they didn't have blood banks back then, did they? 416 00:23:28,923 --> 00:23:30,323 What a waste. 417 00:23:32,283 --> 00:23:34,403 With all that going on on the doorstep, 418 00:23:34,483 --> 00:23:38,443 is it any wonder people in Europe took to building fortified homes? 419 00:23:38,523 --> 00:23:41,403 The answer is no. 420 00:23:43,883 --> 00:23:47,083 Standing here now in whatever castle this is, 421 00:23:47,163 --> 00:23:50,603 I can't help but wonder what life must have been like in medieval times. 422 00:23:50,683 --> 00:23:55,443 Because medieval times aren't happening anymore, so wondering is my only option. 423 00:23:56,163 --> 00:23:57,363 But just imagine it. 424 00:23:57,443 --> 00:24:01,043 Here in the central atrium, the table's laid out for a feast. 425 00:24:01,123 --> 00:24:02,003 [guests clamoring] 426 00:24:02,083 --> 00:24:04,923 People are bashing tankards together and laughing. 427 00:24:05,003 --> 00:24:10,123 The table is bedecked with haunches of venison, blackbird pie, 428 00:24:10,203 --> 00:24:12,763 roast goose inside a pig, 429 00:24:12,843 --> 00:24:15,563 the full works, little bowl of plums there. 430 00:24:15,643 --> 00:24:16,963 Think that's a side dish. 431 00:24:17,763 --> 00:24:21,723 Over here, peasants are toing and froing in their finery. 432 00:24:21,803 --> 00:24:25,203 -[metal clanking] -A knight clanking by in his armor. 433 00:24:25,763 --> 00:24:29,403 In this corner, someone's playing medieval flute music. 434 00:24:29,483 --> 00:24:30,483 [flutes playing] 435 00:24:30,563 --> 00:24:34,963 And in front of that, a jester jumping up and down in his little bells. 436 00:24:35,043 --> 00:24:36,603 [bells jingling] 437 00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:38,603 There's a big sort of ogre thing watching… 438 00:24:38,683 --> 00:24:39,643 [ogre snarling] 439 00:24:39,723 --> 00:24:41,483 …enjoying the sight of that. 440 00:24:42,043 --> 00:24:45,603 Then up at this end, the king sitting on his throne next to the queen, 441 00:24:45,683 --> 00:24:47,523 a bishop and a rook. 442 00:24:47,603 --> 00:24:50,123 They're watching Merlin getting his head chopped off, 443 00:24:50,203 --> 00:24:53,843 which rolls all the way across the floor to there, 444 00:24:54,883 --> 00:24:56,963 where some wild boar gobble it up. 445 00:24:57,043 --> 00:24:59,563 -[boar grunting] -Oh! Eww! 446 00:24:59,643 --> 00:25:03,123 That is disgusting. You're lucky you can't see that. 447 00:25:03,843 --> 00:25:08,243 Suddenly the gaiety is interrupted when the glass in a window shatters 448 00:25:08,323 --> 00:25:10,523 and an arrow flies into the room. 449 00:25:10,603 --> 00:25:12,323 It thuds into this wall, 450 00:25:12,403 --> 00:25:14,883 right in the middle of the Bayeux Tapestry. 451 00:25:14,963 --> 00:25:17,563 Gasps ring out and give way to whispers, 452 00:25:17,643 --> 00:25:21,843 as Thomas à Becket, that's me, pulls the arrow from the wall. 453 00:25:23,083 --> 00:25:24,963 [grunting] 454 00:25:25,043 --> 00:25:26,283 Hold on. 455 00:25:27,043 --> 00:25:28,363 Christ. 456 00:25:30,443 --> 00:25:32,843 The arrow has a message on it. 457 00:25:32,923 --> 00:25:36,643 Thomas carefully takes the message off, discards the arrow… 458 00:25:36,723 --> 00:25:38,523 -[courtier] Oh, fuck! -Sorry. 459 00:25:38,603 --> 00:25:41,683 …unfurls the message and reads it aloud. 460 00:25:45,843 --> 00:25:47,563 -It's from Robin Hood. -[guests gasp] 461 00:25:47,643 --> 00:25:51,483 Threatening revenge on the entire Round Table for what they did to Gandalf. 462 00:25:52,803 --> 00:25:54,803 Another gasp. The jester faints. 463 00:25:54,883 --> 00:25:55,803 [body thuds] 464 00:25:55,883 --> 00:26:00,283 Worried murmurs fill the air and get louder and turn to screams. 465 00:26:00,363 --> 00:26:01,843 It's chaos. 466 00:26:01,923 --> 00:26:03,803 The flute goes mental. 467 00:26:03,883 --> 00:26:06,883 A dancing bear howls in anguish. 468 00:26:06,963 --> 00:26:10,483 Someone starts loading pigs into a catapult. 469 00:26:10,563 --> 00:26:13,763 A space invader floats across the room 470 00:26:13,843 --> 00:26:16,643 shitting a harpsichord made of glass horses onto the floor. 471 00:26:16,723 --> 00:26:18,723 [horse whinnies, glass shatters] 472 00:26:18,803 --> 00:26:21,363 Finally, up at this end, 473 00:26:21,443 --> 00:26:23,843 the king stands up, bashing his gavel. 474 00:26:23,923 --> 00:26:24,763 [gavel raps] 475 00:26:24,843 --> 00:26:26,643 He shouts, "Order! Order!" 476 00:26:26,723 --> 00:26:29,083 But in a deep man's voice with a medieval accent. 477 00:26:29,163 --> 00:26:30,203 [clamor stops] 478 00:26:30,283 --> 00:26:32,323 The castle falls silent. 479 00:26:33,123 --> 00:26:35,323 -You can hear a pin drop… -[pin drops] 480 00:26:35,403 --> 00:26:36,523 …but not literally. 481 00:26:37,003 --> 00:26:39,723 "Off with his head!" shouts the king. 482 00:26:40,403 --> 00:26:43,403 And that breaks the ice. Everything's okay again. 483 00:26:43,483 --> 00:26:47,483 The jester's back up on his feet. The music's up and running. 484 00:26:47,563 --> 00:26:50,403 Everyone's merrily knocking back the mead. 485 00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:52,683 Life in the castle is back to normal. 486 00:26:53,163 --> 00:26:55,963 Just in time for everyone to suddenly drop dead from plague. 487 00:26:56,043 --> 00:26:57,603 [groans, bodies thudding] 488 00:26:57,683 --> 00:27:01,483 Anyway, that's what life was like in my castle. 489 00:27:01,563 --> 00:27:04,003 Have you ever really thought about yours? 490 00:27:06,363 --> 00:27:09,163 But humans couldn't simply cower behind thick walls 491 00:27:09,243 --> 00:27:12,003 while holy wars waged outside forever. 492 00:27:13,203 --> 00:27:18,123 Religion was supposed to unite humankind in harmony and bland smiling. 493 00:27:18,203 --> 00:27:22,363 But it had mainly succeeded in tearing it apart like a bear in a maternity ward. 494 00:27:22,963 --> 00:27:26,563 But little did this church and others like it know that a challenger 495 00:27:26,643 --> 00:27:28,603 was just around the corner. 496 00:27:28,683 --> 00:27:33,003 Next time, we'll see how a new generation of artists and brainiacs arose 497 00:27:33,083 --> 00:27:35,163 and challenged God to a fight 498 00:27:35,243 --> 00:27:38,963 during what historians are already calling the Renaissance. 499 00:27:39,523 --> 00:27:42,243 So is this painting actually good 500 00:27:42,323 --> 00:27:45,163 or is it one of those things that we only think is good 501 00:27:45,243 --> 00:27:47,963 because we're told it's good, like seafood?