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In the first brilliant instalment
of this soon-to-be award-winning series,
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I showed you, for the first time
and better than anyone else,
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how humankind dragged itself
out of caveman times,
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invented farming, thinking
and sand triangles,
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and eventually founded
the brand-new city of ancient Rome.
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But that wasn't
the end of the story, obviously,
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because it was only episode one.
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There was no denying
man had come an incredible distance.
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But could he come even further?
Or was he spent and in need of a lie down?
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To reach the next level,
humanoid kind would need to believe
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in something bigger than man himself,
bigger even than elephant itself.
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In this episode, I'll see
how humankind found religion,
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and we'll settle an argument
that has raged for centuries.
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Which is better,
the Bible or the "Korran"?
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-The Koran.
-So that one.
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It all happened right here,
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on the only planet
still worth fighting for.
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This is Cunk on Earth.
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[epic music playing]
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[peaceful music playing]
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[birds singing]
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The time is half past Rome o'clock B.C.
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The Romanite Empire
is at its most biggest.
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But despite the fancy columns and mosaics,
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there was an emptiness
at the heart of Roman culture.
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Holding endless wine-fueled orgies
in cramped vomitoriums is all very well.
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But eventually you need something more.
And also a mop.
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Humans craved enlighteningment.
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To find it, they'd need
a spiritual role model, an icon,
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an almost Christ-like figure.
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And as luck would have it,
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someone fitting that bill
was about to arrive.
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None other than Mr. Jesus Christ.
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He was born in a humble stable,
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which, ironically,
isn't a stable environment for a baby,
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unless it's a baby donkey,
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which, if records are to be believed,
Jesus wasn't.
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In fact,
as this actual painting makes clear,
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when Christ was born,
he had a magic flaming circle on his head
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which would have set fire to
all the hay and pubes as he came out.
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Don't worry, I'm doing Islam later.
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Jesus was born Jewish,
but soon converted to carpentry
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as he followed his dad into
the primitive chair-and-table industry.
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What's ironic about Jesus Christ
becoming a carpenter
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was he was actually named after
the two words you're most likely to shout
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after hitting your thumb with a hammer.
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Scholars believe
he was a real historical figure,
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like Justin Timberlake or Garfield.
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Whether or not they think he was
the actual son of God
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who performed miracles
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like walking on wine
or helping a deaf man see…
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they all agree he preached
tolerance and forgiveness,
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a message so important
his most ardent followers
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would eventually start killing
anyone who didn't want to hear it.
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Little wonder this radicalized wood smith
scared the Roman authorities.
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They considered Jesus so dangerous
they had him crucified.
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And not just a little,
but all the way to death.
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Just imagine Christ's conflicted emotions.
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He'd been sent to Earth to save mankind,
and yet here he was,
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enduring the physical agony
of being nailed to a cross,
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while also knowing what a great logo
it would make for his long-term campaign.
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Jesus was killed because people
didn't like what he was saying.
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So could you call him the first
celebrity victim of cancel culture?
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I think cancel culture
would sort of require
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the idea that people
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really saw Jesus as standing for something
and they were sure they knew what it was.
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No, sorry. That wasn't a question.
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I'm literally asking
if you could call him
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the first celebrity victim
of cancel culture for our show.
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Down that lens there.
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Just, you know, it's for a credit sequence
with punchy soundbites in it.
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Off you go. Down that lens.
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-Okay, down this lens?
-Yeah.
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You might even say Jesus was the first
celebrity victim of cancel culture.
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Brilliant. Thank you.
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But incredibly, just when it seemed
the life of Christ was over,
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he respawned, danced up a hill
and leapt all the way up into heaven,
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breaking all world records
for a standing jump in the process.
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During his lifetime,
Jesus only had 12 followers,
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fewer even than my Uncle Steve's
uninspiring Instagram account.
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But that all changed
once his teachings began to spread
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in the form of the written word.
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After he died, Jesus came back to Earth
in the form of a book, didn't he?
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Why do Christians call
that special book the "Bibbel"?
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-The Bible?
-Is that how it's pronounced?
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I've literally never heard anyone
say it before. How'd you say it?
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-Bible.
-So why is it spelt "Bibbel"?
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Because I've seen it written down.
B-I-B-L-E.
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-Yeah, Bible.
-Bibbel.
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Christ's message was spread
far and wide by the Apostles
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almost 2,000 years before the release
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of Belgian techno anthem
"Pump Up the Jam."
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[techno music playing]
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♪ Pump up the jam, pump it up ♪
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♪ While your feet are stomping ♪
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♪ And the jam is pumping ♪
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♪ Look ahead, the crowd is jumping ♪
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♪ Pump it up a little more ♪
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♪ Get the party going
On the dance floor ♪
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♪ See, 'cause that's
Where the party's at ♪
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♪ And you'll find out if you do that ♪
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♪ I want a place to stay ♪
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♪ Get your booty
On the floor tonight ♪
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♪ Make my day ♪
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♪ I want a place to stay ♪
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♪ Get your booty on the floor-- ♪
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But not everyone appreciated
the swinging sound of Christianity,
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especially in Rome,
where Christians were persecuted,
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which is Latin for "shat on."
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And if you were a Christian back then,
perhaps the worst place to find yourself
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was the Colosseum, an area
of misery on a par with Birmingham.
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It was here the Romans
first threw Christians to the lions,
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possibly to see if their pacifist message
would rub off on the beasts
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and make them less angry and bitey.
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If a Christian won, right, and ate a lion,
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would they then go forward
to the next round?
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You know, and would they
have to eat something else,
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like a whole horse or something?
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There's not a lot of evidence that they
threw very many Christians to the lions.
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Just for this, can you pretend that loads
of Christians were thrown to the lions?
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Really? But that's wrong.
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Do you think the Christians
would forgive the lions for eating them
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while it was happening?
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They probably didn't blame the lions.
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I mean, a lion was only doing
what lions naturally do.
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Do we know how the lions felt about
only ever being given one thing to eat?
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Can't have been fun, can it?
You know.
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Imagine if every day your lunch
was just screaming and wouldn't stop.
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That's going to have an impact
on your mental health.
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-The mental health of lions.
-Yeah.
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Hmm.
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Incredibly, within a few hundred years,
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the Romans had become
Christians themselves.
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But why?
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Tragically, none of the people involved
in ancient Rome are still alive today.
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So to find out why that happened,
we have to sift through ancient texts,
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like you do at the end of a relationship.
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Thanks to the modern science of reading,
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we now know
the Roman Emperor Constantine,
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whose name means constant or unchanging,
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one day unexpectedly changed
to Christianity.
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Soon, all the Romans
had converted to Christianity,
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and shortly after that,
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they stopped throwing
Christians to the lions altogether.
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No one knows why.
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The Romans had found God
almost overnight.
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What is it about religion
that can win us over so unexpectedly?
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Why do humans need to believe
in something bigger than ourselves?
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Is it so we don't feel quite so fat?
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Well, I think the sense
of purpose and value
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constitutes a very important element
of a happy life.
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But it must help.
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If you think how big the world is,
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suddenly you feel a lot slimmer.
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Quite possibly.
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Some people have a sudden
religious conversion, don't they?
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My mate Paul was driving to Winchester
when a lorry jack-knifed in front of him
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and he was hurtling towards it
and everything went slo-mo.
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And Paul, who's never been religious,
spoke to Jesus and said,
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"I promise if I survive this,
I'll believe in you."
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And he did survive, but he fractured
his skull and broke both his legs.
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Why did Jesus do that to him?
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Well, you've raised a very significant
question about the nature of providence.
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-Have I?
-You have, indeed.
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If we believe in a good God,
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why is there so much evil in the world?
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-Now, your friend…
-Paul.
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…Paul, his accident,
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uh, you know, to what extent
can one blame God for that?
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See, Paul never forgave him.
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He said, "If I ever see Christ again,
he's a dead man."
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Right.
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Rome had become
a beacon of Christian faith.
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But disaster was just around the corner,
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because the Romans
had converted to a religion of peace
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just in time to have
their arse handed to them
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by some people who mainly believed
in hammers and smashing.
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They were the Vandals,
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an ancient group notorious
for their appetite for destruction,
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like Guns N' Roses.
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[horn honks]
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Right now I'm standing on,
and also in, modern Rome,
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which, by an incredible coincidence,
is on the same site as the ancient one.
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And it's here the Vandals'
terrifying assault on the city took place.
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The Vandal hordes
would have swept through there,
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past the coffee shop with the rude staff,
all the way down here,
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killing, looting and burning as they went.
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We also know that traffic intersection
wouldn't have been there at that time,
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so they could have safely ignored
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any associated road signals
during their invasion.
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Also, that pizza place
wouldn't have been open
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because they think the rampage
happened on a Sunday.
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And according to TripAdvisor,
it closes over the weekend
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and isn't suitable
for large groups anyway.
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But everything else you see around here
would have been completely destroyed.
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By the time the Vandals rolled out
of this part of the city
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and into the next one,
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they'd left nothing but destruction
and horseshit in their wake.
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Rome had been sacked, destroyed,
properly fucked to bits.
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And once Rome fell,
the entire Roman Empire went kaput.
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The grim period that followed
became known as the "Darkages."
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00:11:25,923 --> 00:11:27,323
Ow, shit!
203
00:11:27,403 --> 00:11:31,003
"Darkages" sort of sounds
like a symptom, doesn't it?
204
00:11:31,083 --> 00:11:33,083
You know, maybe like a plague thing.
205
00:11:33,163 --> 00:11:36,803
-Do you mean the Dark Ages?
-Oh, right, is that what it is?
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00:11:36,883 --> 00:11:41,723
If you mean an old-fashioned term
for the early Middle Ages.
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-Right.
-Except we don't use that term anymore.
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00:11:44,603 --> 00:11:45,643
Oh, do we not?
209
00:11:45,723 --> 00:11:48,043
Well, it has very negative connotations
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00:11:48,123 --> 00:11:51,963
of being a dark and ignorant
and benighted time, and, um…
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-Which it was.
-Not really.
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It had fantastic thinkers and historians
and artists and authors.
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00:11:58,723 --> 00:12:00,923
But it was a bit shit.
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00:12:01,003 --> 00:12:03,883
The Dark Ages was a depressing era
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00:12:03,963 --> 00:12:06,963
during which the whole of Europe
fumbled about in the dark,
216
00:12:07,043 --> 00:12:10,483
banging its shins on stuff
and getting all diseases up its bum.
217
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It must have properly
done people's heads in.
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00:12:13,563 --> 00:12:15,683
Whenever you see medieval times,
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00:12:15,763 --> 00:12:20,443
there's this sort of annoying
"hey nonny no" music playing constantly.
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00:12:20,523 --> 00:12:23,963
-Yeah, pretty much.
-You know, that music, that sort of…
221
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:26,483
[imitating nasal-sounding woodwind]
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00:12:28,763 --> 00:12:30,083
Yeah.
223
00:12:39,963 --> 00:12:42,203
Yep. There's a lot of that.
224
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:45,203
Where's that sound coming from?
Couldn't they switch it off?
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00:12:45,283 --> 00:12:48,323
The Dark Ages were a tragedy
for human progress
226
00:12:48,403 --> 00:12:52,523
that put back the rollout of 5G
by hundreds of years.
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00:12:52,603 --> 00:12:57,323
So we've had the Dark Ages.
Has there been a Light Ages?
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00:12:57,403 --> 00:13:02,923
Well, the claim was made
by people in the early modern period,
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00:13:03,003 --> 00:13:06,563
the so-called Renaissance,
that theirs was the age of light.
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00:13:06,643 --> 00:13:08,923
And then, of course,
we have a whole era later
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00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:11,563
that people called the Enlightenment.
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00:13:11,643 --> 00:13:14,843
Is that in this episode
or will that come up later?
233
00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:17,323
Well, I'm guessing it will come up later.
234
00:13:17,403 --> 00:13:19,443
Which episode are we in now?
235
00:13:19,523 --> 00:13:23,083
Um, I…
Probably something about the Middle Ages.
236
00:13:24,043 --> 00:13:27,883
Yeah, but is it, like,
episode three or episode four?
237
00:13:28,603 --> 00:13:32,563
-I'm afraid I'm not sure.
-We're both just lost here, aren't we?
238
00:13:32,643 --> 00:13:35,003
This is fucking awful.
239
00:13:35,923 --> 00:13:38,563
But luckily,
Europe wasn't the only country
240
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:39,923
having a history back then.
241
00:13:40,003 --> 00:13:43,603
Boffins now believe other countries,
such as South America and Asia,
242
00:13:43,683 --> 00:13:45,643
were having their own histories too.
243
00:13:45,723 --> 00:13:47,683
And they were keeping civilization going
244
00:13:47,763 --> 00:13:50,523
in their own funny, exotic,
foreign little ways.
245
00:13:51,643 --> 00:13:53,563
This is the city of Chichen Itza,
246
00:13:53,643 --> 00:13:56,523
built by the Mayan people
in what is now Mexico.
247
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:59,603
And this is its centerpiece,
the Temple of Kukulkan.
248
00:13:59,683 --> 00:14:01,923
If you were brought here
a thousand years ago,
249
00:14:02,003 --> 00:14:04,963
chances are you were about to be
sacrificed to appease Chaac,
250
00:14:05,043 --> 00:14:06,763
the Mayan god of rain.
251
00:14:06,843 --> 00:14:09,843
Today, you're perhaps more likely to be
dropping by as part of a pleasant day trip
252
00:14:09,923 --> 00:14:13,003
out from the nearby
holiday resort of Tulum.
253
00:14:13,923 --> 00:14:14,963
That's where I'm staying,
254
00:14:15,043 --> 00:14:18,323
at the five-star
Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa.
255
00:14:18,403 --> 00:14:20,523
This all-inclusive resort,
256
00:14:20,603 --> 00:14:22,603
nestling on the picture-perfect
Tulum coastline,
257
00:14:22,683 --> 00:14:25,043
really is the last word in luxury.
258
00:14:25,123 --> 00:14:28,963
All the rooms are en suite,
and with this stunning ocean view,
259
00:14:29,043 --> 00:14:31,323
it's hard to think of a reason
to get out of bed.
260
00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:34,563
Apart, of course, from the beautiful beach
and constant sunshine
261
00:14:34,643 --> 00:14:36,683
right here on your doorstep.
262
00:14:36,763 --> 00:14:40,603
If the sunny skies get too much,
there are three pools to cool off in,
263
00:14:40,683 --> 00:14:42,923
including one for adults only.
264
00:14:43,003 --> 00:14:46,483
There's plenty for the little ones too,
with the Turtle Club giving them
265
00:14:46,563 --> 00:14:50,403
the holiday of their allegedly
important little lives so far.
266
00:14:50,483 --> 00:14:53,123
And with five onsite restaurants
to choose from,
267
00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:55,163
you'll never get bored of the food.
268
00:14:55,243 --> 00:14:58,523
If all that wasn't enough,
the stunning Inspiration Spa
269
00:14:58,603 --> 00:15:03,523
offers world-class wellness options,
from toenail filing to vigorous rubbing.
270
00:15:04,283 --> 00:15:07,483
And when the sun goes down,
the nightlife begins.
271
00:15:07,563 --> 00:15:10,603
With local spirits,
wines and beers all included,
272
00:15:10,683 --> 00:15:13,043
there's no reason to hold back.
273
00:15:13,123 --> 00:15:17,843
With sunshine all day and partying
all night, you won't want to go home.
274
00:15:17,923 --> 00:15:20,643
[announcer] Philomena stayed five nights
at the Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa.
275
00:15:20,723 --> 00:15:23,323
All-inclusive prices start
at £200 per person per night
276
00:15:23,403 --> 00:15:24,323
based on two sharing.
277
00:15:24,403 --> 00:15:27,803
VAT not included.
Terms and conditions apply.
278
00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:32,803
[peaceful music playing]
279
00:15:32,883 --> 00:15:35,123
[Philomena] While the Mayans
worshiped their gods,
280
00:15:35,203 --> 00:15:37,443
thousands of miles away in Arabia,
281
00:15:37,523 --> 00:15:42,123
a prophet named Muhammad
was founding another religion, Islam.
282
00:15:42,963 --> 00:15:45,923
Apparently,
Islam can be a sensitive topic,
283
00:15:46,003 --> 00:15:47,203
and the producers say
284
00:15:47,283 --> 00:15:49,243
if I don't follow this script
to the letter,
285
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:53,323
there's a chance I'll cause
a serious international incident.
286
00:15:59,443 --> 00:16:03,163
That's quite a blow, to be honest.
It's all right, I'll busk it.
287
00:16:03,883 --> 00:16:08,523
So, what can we say about Islam?
Well, for one thing--
288
00:16:08,603 --> 00:16:10,483
[easy-listening music playing]
289
00:16:23,043 --> 00:16:26,563
I, for one, don't think any of that
is controversial at all.
290
00:16:27,123 --> 00:16:30,883
Islam represented a radical break
from previous religions
291
00:16:30,963 --> 00:16:34,563
because the buildings it happened inside
were a slightly different shape.
292
00:16:35,963 --> 00:16:38,083
It expanded across the globe
293
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:42,163
almost as quickly as Fox News
thinks it still does today.
294
00:16:42,243 --> 00:16:45,643
It was an apparently
irresistible spread, like Nutella.
295
00:16:45,723 --> 00:16:47,443
[crunching]
296
00:16:47,523 --> 00:16:51,723
[mouth full] The Koran says
accumulating knowledge is a worthy act.
297
00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:56,483
So Islamic mega nerds created
the first universities and libraries…
298
00:16:57,043 --> 00:17:00,283
[crunching] …containing
all the world's knowledge,
299
00:17:00,363 --> 00:17:04,923
which, at that point, could probably fit
into one pamphlet, to be fair.
300
00:17:10,803 --> 00:17:11,763
Mm.
301
00:17:16,043 --> 00:17:19,362
Because they needed more knowledge
to fill their libraries,
302
00:17:19,443 --> 00:17:21,603
Muslim boffins got into maths.
303
00:17:21,683 --> 00:17:27,763
Calculus, geometry, and of course
the most Islamic-sounding one, al-gebra.
304
00:17:28,443 --> 00:17:34,003
Not to be outdone, Christianity was also
expanding, thanks to missionaries.
305
00:17:34,083 --> 00:17:36,723
The missionaries were known
for their position,
306
00:17:36,803 --> 00:17:39,443
which was that the big man, God,
was on top
307
00:17:39,523 --> 00:17:43,243
and the rest of us
had to lie back and take it.
308
00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:47,563
Sent by the Pope,
missionaries took the Bible and the cross
309
00:17:47,643 --> 00:17:52,803
and set out from here, painstakingly
making their way right across the map.
310
00:17:52,883 --> 00:17:57,083
And eventually ending up
all the way over here in Ireland,
311
00:17:57,163 --> 00:18:01,243
where they spread the word
by reading aloud from the…
312
00:18:01,323 --> 00:18:03,683
Hold on, I forgot the book.
313
00:18:04,603 --> 00:18:08,243
Travel in those days was
exceptionally perilous and grueling,
314
00:18:08,323 --> 00:18:11,683
so the early missionaries wouldn't have
wanted to undertake their journey twice
315
00:18:11,763 --> 00:18:13,323
any more than I do.
316
00:18:14,043 --> 00:18:16,163
But once they arrived
at their destination,
317
00:18:16,243 --> 00:18:19,083
what they brought
would change the world forever.
318
00:18:19,163 --> 00:18:21,563
The Bible and the…
319
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:23,843
Who moved the cross?
320
00:18:23,923 --> 00:18:27,163
Christianity was the fidget spinner
of medieval times,
321
00:18:27,243 --> 00:18:30,003
a huge craze that would last forever.
322
00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:33,003
It led to a boom in religious iconography.
323
00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:35,923
Images of Jesus were
everywhere you looked.
324
00:18:36,963 --> 00:18:40,123
In medieval times,
there were lots of paintings of Jesus.
325
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,643
How did he find the time to pose
for the artists?
326
00:18:42,723 --> 00:18:44,883
What was his availability like?
327
00:18:44,963 --> 00:18:48,883
Well, he was everywhere, always…
328
00:18:48,963 --> 00:18:51,403
-Hmm.
-…figuratively speaking.
329
00:18:51,483 --> 00:18:54,443
So they're painting him from memory,
330
00:18:54,523 --> 00:18:58,083
like someone describing an intruder
to a police sketch artist,
331
00:18:58,163 --> 00:19:01,363
but an intruder who's the son of God.
332
00:19:01,443 --> 00:19:05,163
In old paintings of Jesus,
he comes in two modes, doesn't he?
333
00:19:05,243 --> 00:19:09,483
He's either a baby
or he's being crucified.
334
00:19:09,563 --> 00:19:13,043
Are there any paintings where he is
being crucified as a baby?
335
00:19:14,643 --> 00:19:16,923
No. No.
336
00:19:17,003 --> 00:19:20,603
Right. They missed an opportunity there,
didn't they, to play the sympathy card.
337
00:19:20,683 --> 00:19:23,683
Did Jesus ever paint himself?
338
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:25,683
Uh…
339
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,123
I don't believe so.
340
00:19:27,203 --> 00:19:29,323
Certainly there's no record
of that happening.
341
00:19:29,403 --> 00:19:30,803
Can we be sure?
342
00:19:30,883 --> 00:19:34,123
You know, he might not have signed it.
He was quite modest, wasn't he?
343
00:19:34,803 --> 00:19:39,403
He… Well, he was modest in parts.
He did also say he was the son of God.
344
00:19:39,483 --> 00:19:43,723
-Yeah. He could have kept that quiet.
-Then he wouldn't have been killed.
345
00:19:43,803 --> 00:19:46,083
Yeah. What an idiot.
346
00:19:46,163 --> 00:19:49,843
Of course, Jesus wasn't
the only deity to inspire art.
347
00:19:49,923 --> 00:19:52,243
There are lots of paintings
of Muhammad too.
348
00:19:52,323 --> 00:19:55,283
But our producer had to sign a form,
promising not to show them.
349
00:19:55,883 --> 00:20:00,403
By the 11th century, most European
countries had converted to Christianity,
350
00:20:00,483 --> 00:20:04,003
but it didn't stop them constantly
going to war with each other.
351
00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:08,283
Then in 1095, Pope Urban II
persuaded them to stop fighting,
352
00:20:08,363 --> 00:20:12,883
come together in harmony
and attack the Muslims instead.
353
00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:16,763
The European kings agreed and launched
a sort of armed charity drive
354
00:20:16,843 --> 00:20:20,083
to forcibly provide the Islamic world
with crucifixes.
355
00:20:20,163 --> 00:20:22,203
They called it "cruce-aid."
356
00:20:22,923 --> 00:20:25,523
Soon, armies from Europe headed east,
357
00:20:25,603 --> 00:20:28,843
hoping to dish out
a righteous international kicking.
358
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:34,883
So, during the Crusades, the crusaders
went all the way to Jerusalem in armor.
359
00:20:34,963 --> 00:20:38,683
That sounds really uncomfortable.
Was it sponsored?
360
00:20:39,483 --> 00:20:42,003
It was sponsored by the church,
you could say.
361
00:20:42,083 --> 00:20:43,203
-Yeah.
-Um…
362
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:45,323
Because these expeditions
had to be funded.
363
00:20:45,403 --> 00:20:46,283
Yeah.
364
00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:51,283
My mate Paul did a 30-mile sponsored
walk to Harrogate dressed as Spider-Man
365
00:20:51,363 --> 00:20:52,803
for Help for Heroes.
366
00:20:52,883 --> 00:20:57,323
And on the day he had terrible diarrhea,
but he soldiered on.
367
00:20:57,403 --> 00:21:02,483
And it was one of the most noble
but disgusting things I've ever seen.
368
00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:05,203
Eventually, the organizers
had to intervene,
369
00:21:05,283 --> 00:21:07,363
but he raised £368.
370
00:21:07,443 --> 00:21:10,563
You know, the Crusaders
never did that, did they?
371
00:21:11,363 --> 00:21:12,643
No.
372
00:21:12,723 --> 00:21:16,323
In 1099,
the Christians captured Jerusalem,
373
00:21:16,403 --> 00:21:18,723
but then they made a tactical mistake.
374
00:21:18,803 --> 00:21:20,643
They went home without it.
375
00:21:20,723 --> 00:21:23,203
So the Muslims,
under their leader Saladin,
376
00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:27,003
crusaded right back,
retaking Jerusalem in the process.
377
00:21:27,763 --> 00:21:31,363
By now, everyone was
really into the Crusades.
378
00:21:31,443 --> 00:21:34,563
So they started holding them regularly,
fighting back and forth
379
00:21:34,643 --> 00:21:37,963
to see which side
would win Jerusalem this year.
380
00:21:38,043 --> 00:21:40,403
The Crusades sound very violent.
381
00:21:40,483 --> 00:21:44,763
Why can't the religions all learn to live
together in peace like they do in Ireland?
382
00:21:45,843 --> 00:21:48,483
I think if you find someone
who knows the answer to that question,
383
00:21:48,563 --> 00:21:51,403
then you should definitely, um,
384
00:21:51,483 --> 00:21:52,963
publicize it as soon as possible.
385
00:21:53,043 --> 00:21:54,523
Right, yeah. Okay.
386
00:21:55,363 --> 00:21:57,643
But while Christians and Muslims
came to blows,
387
00:21:57,723 --> 00:22:02,003
one man miles away decided he'd show them
what proper warmongering looked like.
388
00:22:03,643 --> 00:22:06,723
That man was the leader
of the Mongols, Genghis Khan.
389
00:22:06,803 --> 00:22:12,203
In Mongol, "khan" means king,
and "Genghis" means… something else.
390
00:22:13,283 --> 00:22:15,963
These days, Genghis Khan
comes up in conversation
391
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:18,643
less often than Dennis Quaid,
392
00:22:18,723 --> 00:22:21,843
but back then
he was the most feared man on Earth.
393
00:22:22,803 --> 00:22:25,243
Genghis and his Mongols
went Mongoling free
394
00:22:25,323 --> 00:22:27,643
across much of Europe and Asia.
395
00:22:27,723 --> 00:22:31,963
Millions of thousands of people
were mercilessly slaughtered.
396
00:22:32,043 --> 00:22:33,963
Many of them got their heads chopped off.
397
00:22:34,043 --> 00:22:37,163
Others had their legs hacked off first,
then an arm or something.
398
00:22:37,243 --> 00:22:40,803
Then maybe their face, which was probably
still screaming as it flew across the hut,
399
00:22:40,883 --> 00:22:42,243
or wherever they lived.
400
00:22:42,323 --> 00:22:45,523
Then the invaders might have taken
the carcasses and hacked them up
401
00:22:45,603 --> 00:22:47,043
and boiled them into soup
402
00:22:47,123 --> 00:22:51,043
and carved all the discarded pelvis bones
into big ladles to drink it with,
403
00:22:51,123 --> 00:22:53,843
and then sat around the fireplace
slurping their gory soup
404
00:22:53,923 --> 00:22:55,723
and laughing and blowing off.
405
00:22:55,803 --> 00:22:58,123
Honestly, it was seriously out of order.
406
00:22:58,203 --> 00:23:02,243
How much blood in terms of pints
407
00:23:02,323 --> 00:23:06,043
was spilt because of Genghis Khan?
408
00:23:06,123 --> 00:23:10,283
Well, you'd have to somehow
know the number of people killed.
409
00:23:10,363 --> 00:23:11,323
Right.
410
00:23:11,403 --> 00:23:16,283
There were stories of
a few hundred Mongol soldiers
411
00:23:16,363 --> 00:23:19,603
dispatching perhaps
up to a million people.
412
00:23:19,683 --> 00:23:21,763
How many pints are in a person?
413
00:23:21,843 --> 00:23:25,283
-I think eight.
-So minimum eight million pints.
414
00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:26,363
Yes.
415
00:23:26,443 --> 00:23:28,843
And they didn't have blood banks
back then, did they?
416
00:23:28,923 --> 00:23:30,323
What a waste.
417
00:23:32,283 --> 00:23:34,403
With all that going on on the doorstep,
418
00:23:34,483 --> 00:23:38,443
is it any wonder people in Europe
took to building fortified homes?
419
00:23:38,523 --> 00:23:41,403
The answer is no.
420
00:23:43,883 --> 00:23:47,083
Standing here now
in whatever castle this is,
421
00:23:47,163 --> 00:23:50,603
I can't help but wonder what life
must have been like in medieval times.
422
00:23:50,683 --> 00:23:55,443
Because medieval times aren't happening
anymore, so wondering is my only option.
423
00:23:56,163 --> 00:23:57,363
But just imagine it.
424
00:23:57,443 --> 00:24:01,043
Here in the central atrium,
the table's laid out for a feast.
425
00:24:01,123 --> 00:24:02,003
[guests clamoring]
426
00:24:02,083 --> 00:24:04,923
People are bashing tankards together
and laughing.
427
00:24:05,003 --> 00:24:10,123
The table is bedecked
with haunches of venison, blackbird pie,
428
00:24:10,203 --> 00:24:12,763
roast goose inside a pig,
429
00:24:12,843 --> 00:24:15,563
the full works,
little bowl of plums there.
430
00:24:15,643 --> 00:24:16,963
Think that's a side dish.
431
00:24:17,763 --> 00:24:21,723
Over here, peasants
are toing and froing in their finery.
432
00:24:21,803 --> 00:24:25,203
-[metal clanking]
-A knight clanking by in his armor.
433
00:24:25,763 --> 00:24:29,403
In this corner,
someone's playing medieval flute music.
434
00:24:29,483 --> 00:24:30,483
[flutes playing]
435
00:24:30,563 --> 00:24:34,963
And in front of that, a jester jumping
up and down in his little bells.
436
00:24:35,043 --> 00:24:36,603
[bells jingling]
437
00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:38,603
There's a big
sort of ogre thing watching…
438
00:24:38,683 --> 00:24:39,643
[ogre snarling]
439
00:24:39,723 --> 00:24:41,483
…enjoying the sight of that.
440
00:24:42,043 --> 00:24:45,603
Then up at this end, the king
sitting on his throne next to the queen,
441
00:24:45,683 --> 00:24:47,523
a bishop and a rook.
442
00:24:47,603 --> 00:24:50,123
They're watching Merlin
getting his head chopped off,
443
00:24:50,203 --> 00:24:53,843
which rolls all the way across
the floor to there,
444
00:24:54,883 --> 00:24:56,963
where some wild boar gobble it up.
445
00:24:57,043 --> 00:24:59,563
-[boar grunting]
-Oh! Eww!
446
00:24:59,643 --> 00:25:03,123
That is disgusting.
You're lucky you can't see that.
447
00:25:03,843 --> 00:25:08,243
Suddenly the gaiety is interrupted
when the glass in a window shatters
448
00:25:08,323 --> 00:25:10,523
and an arrow flies into the room.
449
00:25:10,603 --> 00:25:12,323
It thuds into this wall,
450
00:25:12,403 --> 00:25:14,883
right in the middle
of the Bayeux Tapestry.
451
00:25:14,963 --> 00:25:17,563
Gasps ring out and give way to whispers,
452
00:25:17,643 --> 00:25:21,843
as Thomas à Becket, that's me,
pulls the arrow from the wall.
453
00:25:23,083 --> 00:25:24,963
[grunting]
454
00:25:25,043 --> 00:25:26,283
Hold on.
455
00:25:27,043 --> 00:25:28,363
Christ.
456
00:25:30,443 --> 00:25:32,843
The arrow has a message on it.
457
00:25:32,923 --> 00:25:36,643
Thomas carefully takes
the message off, discards the arrow…
458
00:25:36,723 --> 00:25:38,523
-[courtier] Oh, fuck!
-Sorry.
459
00:25:38,603 --> 00:25:41,683
…unfurls the message and reads it aloud.
460
00:25:45,843 --> 00:25:47,563
-It's from Robin Hood.
-[guests gasp]
461
00:25:47,643 --> 00:25:51,483
Threatening revenge on the entire
Round Table for what they did to Gandalf.
462
00:25:52,803 --> 00:25:54,803
Another gasp. The jester faints.
463
00:25:54,883 --> 00:25:55,803
[body thuds]
464
00:25:55,883 --> 00:26:00,283
Worried murmurs fill the air
and get louder and turn to screams.
465
00:26:00,363 --> 00:26:01,843
It's chaos.
466
00:26:01,923 --> 00:26:03,803
The flute goes mental.
467
00:26:03,883 --> 00:26:06,883
A dancing bear howls in anguish.
468
00:26:06,963 --> 00:26:10,483
Someone starts loading pigs
into a catapult.
469
00:26:10,563 --> 00:26:13,763
A space invader floats across the room
470
00:26:13,843 --> 00:26:16,643
shitting a harpsichord
made of glass horses onto the floor.
471
00:26:16,723 --> 00:26:18,723
[horse whinnies, glass shatters]
472
00:26:18,803 --> 00:26:21,363
Finally, up at this end,
473
00:26:21,443 --> 00:26:23,843
the king stands up, bashing his gavel.
474
00:26:23,923 --> 00:26:24,763
[gavel raps]
475
00:26:24,843 --> 00:26:26,643
He shouts, "Order! Order!"
476
00:26:26,723 --> 00:26:29,083
But in a deep man's voice
with a medieval accent.
477
00:26:29,163 --> 00:26:30,203
[clamor stops]
478
00:26:30,283 --> 00:26:32,323
The castle falls silent.
479
00:26:33,123 --> 00:26:35,323
-You can hear a pin drop…
-[pin drops]
480
00:26:35,403 --> 00:26:36,523
…but not literally.
481
00:26:37,003 --> 00:26:39,723
"Off with his head!" shouts the king.
482
00:26:40,403 --> 00:26:43,403
And that breaks the ice.
Everything's okay again.
483
00:26:43,483 --> 00:26:47,483
The jester's back up on his feet.
The music's up and running.
484
00:26:47,563 --> 00:26:50,403
Everyone's merrily knocking back the mead.
485
00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:52,683
Life in the castle is back to normal.
486
00:26:53,163 --> 00:26:55,963
Just in time for everyone
to suddenly drop dead from plague.
487
00:26:56,043 --> 00:26:57,603
[groans, bodies thudding]
488
00:26:57,683 --> 00:27:01,483
Anyway, that's what life was like
in my castle.
489
00:27:01,563 --> 00:27:04,003
Have you ever really thought about yours?
490
00:27:06,363 --> 00:27:09,163
But humans couldn't simply
cower behind thick walls
491
00:27:09,243 --> 00:27:12,003
while holy wars waged outside forever.
492
00:27:13,203 --> 00:27:18,123
Religion was supposed to unite humankind
in harmony and bland smiling.
493
00:27:18,203 --> 00:27:22,363
But it had mainly succeeded in tearing it
apart like a bear in a maternity ward.
494
00:27:22,963 --> 00:27:26,563
But little did this church
and others like it know that a challenger
495
00:27:26,643 --> 00:27:28,603
was just around the corner.
496
00:27:28,683 --> 00:27:33,003
Next time, we'll see how a new generation
of artists and brainiacs arose
497
00:27:33,083 --> 00:27:35,163
and challenged God to a fight
498
00:27:35,243 --> 00:27:38,963
during what historians
are already calling the Renaissance.
499
00:27:39,523 --> 00:27:42,243
So is this painting actually good
500
00:27:42,323 --> 00:27:45,163
or is it one of those things
that we only think is good
501
00:27:45,243 --> 00:27:47,963
because we're told it's good,
like seafood?