1
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Okay.

2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

3
00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:04,086
What about ... Problematic?

4
00:00:04,879 --> 00:00:06,423
Grandpa Steve:
No.

5
00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:08,967
Toy Boy?

6
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

7
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Grandpa Steve:
No.

8
00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:12,554
Okay.

9
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,973
Well, what do you think I should call it?

10
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,683
Grandpa Steve:
It doesn't matter what you call it,

11
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:19,602
they're just there to see you naked.

12
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Okay, Papaw.

13
00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:26,192
Alright, I got to go.

14
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I love you.

15
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Grandpa Steve:
Love you, too.

16
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Bye.

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Grandpa Steve:
Bye.

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Vic Mensa "Rage":
♪ Command, we've lost control.

19
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The engine's bound to crash.

20
00:00:47,505 --> 00:00:50,216
The lightning strikes went bright.

21
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Do not go gently.

22
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:57,223
It's just my luck.

23
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You shot my bluff down from a thousand miles.

24
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I'm falling fast.

25
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I'm falling fast.

26
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I want you to rage into the night.

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I want you to blaze into the light.

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Before your final flight.

29
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But boy, you're fine, you're fine.

30
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I want you to rage into the night.♪♪

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Matt Rife:
Okay, okay, sit down.

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Thank you.

33
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Thank you. Oh, man.

34
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Wow. Some of y'all didn't stand.

35
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You were unsure, I get it.

36
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It's all right. I'll earn it! That's okay.

37
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How y'all doing? Y'all good?

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Audience member:
Yeah!

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00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,352
Oh, man.

40
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Thank you all so much for coming.

41
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Oh...

42
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You guys, uh ...

43
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ready to be offended?

44
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Audience member:
Yes!

45
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No, don't fucking say that.

46
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,612
And then go on Twitter afterwards...

47
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Like, oh Matt has some opinions of his own and...
end my fucking career. Okay?!

48
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:58,201
Just wanna have a good time tonight, alright.

49
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Comedy almost isn't fun.

50
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Okay.

51
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Having to adhere to everybody's sensitivities.

52
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,584
Since when?

53
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That shit is so new.

54
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:10,588
Remember, like three years ago when no one gave a fuck

55
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about how you felt?

56
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,050
Like three years ago if you were in public

57
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and were like: “I don't like...” a stranger will come up and be like,

58
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“Shut up, bitch!” and punch you in your chest.

59
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Like, ahh! Now I hurt on the outside and the inside!

60
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Ahhh!

61
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I feel like we've gotten so sensitive as a society man.

62
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We've gotten so soft...

63
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Like fresh-out-the-pool-dick, soft...

64
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Only the fellas understand that
you get out that cold water,

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you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

66
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You’re like: Who’s dick is this?!

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Who put a baby dick on me?!

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That’s how I feel like we are,
as a society man just on soft.

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It's exhausting.

70
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So I'm glad we could all come together for a night of laughter.

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It's good to see y'all

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black people

73
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good to see y'all.

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White people

75
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sitting in the back, how’s it feel?

76
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Well you’re smiling, good.

77
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I'm glad you're in a good mood.

78
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Did you say sorry today?

79
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,317
Did you say sorry to a black person today?

80
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Get your Venmo out right now.

81
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Cash app every black person in here $5!

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Gets you through the rest of the show.

83
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We're going to get these reparations one way or another.

84
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Okay? I'm sorry it took so long.

85
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I just got here. Alright?

86
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,790
Y'all got to learn how to take bitcoin or something,

87
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:29,834
But we gonna figure it out.

88
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:33,463
Oh, white people been so sorry in 2021,
Haven’t they?

89
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Oh, my God.

90
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,883
It's been my favorite show to watch.

91
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Just white people trying to out woke each other

92
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in front of black people. .. because it’ll always start reasonable

93
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and then just gradually get out of hand

94
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like white person number one will start low.

95
00:03:47,518 --> 00:03:50,146
Well, you know, I voted for Obama

96
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two times in a row.

97
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You’re like: alright, solid politics.

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Okay. Now white person number two has to top Obama.

99
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So he's like, That's crazy.

100
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I was just talking about how Jesus was black

101
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and...

102
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You’re like: Yeah, well, walked on water, probably couldn't swim...

103
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:11,459
It might check out.

104
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:14,212
Now white person number three is going to top Obama and black Jesus.

105
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He's panickin’ he says some ignorant shit like:

106
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Well, Madea's my favorite franchise!

107
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You’re like: Gotcha!

108
00:04:19,884 --> 00:04:20,885
Liar!

109
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Madea is nobody's favorite franchise, okay?
Not even black people’s.

110
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Okay you are reaching.
I think it goes Soul Plane then Madea movies.

111
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God.

112
00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:37,402
Arrgh! It's all this white guilt!

113
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It's heavy.

114
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It's starting to feel like alcoholism a little bit.

115
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And like every room I enter is like a

116
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AA meeting where I got to plead my case.

117
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I feel like I have to enter every situation

118
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Like: Hey, guys, my name is Matt.

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Just want to introduce myself, let you know

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I do identify as a straight white male.
And everybody's like:

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Boo!

122
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Your like I know I know I'm trash,
but I would really appreciate it

123
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if you use my proper pronoun:

124
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“The problem.”

125
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What an uncomfortable time...

126
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to be a straight white male.

127
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It's a tough time for my people.

128
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For once. You know?
It’s...you gotta know when to fold them, you know what I mean?

129
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,452
We stayed in the game too long, we...

130
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:29,787
can't be doing that. Coming back to haunt us. Hard.

131
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Rightfully so.

132
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It's just uncomfortable because to be a straight white male in 2021,

133
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you're kind of guilty by association, aren’t you?

134
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Which is a shitty place to be if you didn't do anything.

135
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Like I just turned 25.

136
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I just got here.

137
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You know what I mean? Like I didn't do anything.

138
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I'm a new white!

139
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Like, give me a chance...

140
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Give me a chance to white my wrongs.

141
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You know what I mean? Like...

142
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I just want to sing along to some songs, you know what I mean?

143
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Just give me a chance. It wasn’t...

144
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It's not my fault.

145
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It's not like I made the conscious decision to be born

146
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a straight white male.

147
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I probably would have...

148
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Historically speaking why not be on a
winning team, you know what I mean?

149
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But I didn't get to choose it wasn't my decision.

150
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Therefore, I can't...

151
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I can't apologize for it.

152
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That’d be weird. And you don't have to.

153
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That's the thing. You don't have to apologize for it.

154
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Just be a decent fucking human being!

155
00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:36,604
Is that too much to ask?

156
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Listen to the sound of white guilt, ah...

157
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music to my ears.

158
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I don't have to apologize for it.

159
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And I won't.

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I'll apologize for being born a straight white male

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when LeBron James apologizes for being six foot nine.

162
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Didn't choose this life...

163
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just happened to be born that way.

164
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Right?

165
00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:03,131
And they both have their own set of perks, don't they?

166
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Like, sure, he can do a fucking windmill...

167
00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:08,177
360 dunk, and I...

168
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:09,762
can raise my voice to the police.

169
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So it's.

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It's a give and take, you know what I mean?

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Like, I’d love to yam on a motherfucker,

172
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but I guess I'll just get out of this ticket.

173
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Gotta choose your superpower, man.

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Life ain't fair for everybody.

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Okay?

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Make white people uncomfortable: check!

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I'm so happy to be shooting this in L.A.,

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I love L.A..

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I love it because I'm not from here.

180
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So I have perspective.

181
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I'm actually from Ohio.

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Yeah, that's right.

183
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:52,680
That felt as welcoming as it should have.

184
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If you've never been to Ohio, you don't gotta.

185
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You absolutely don't. I don't care who died there.

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Send an email. Okay.

187
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You do not have to go.

188
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It's so trash.

189
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Oh, my God.

190
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I'm not even from, like, a fun part of Ohio.

191
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I didn't get, like, Cleveland or Cincinnati.

192
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Nothing fun.

193
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I'm from the middle of nowhere,

194
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like hour west of Columbus, surrounded by cornfields.

195
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Country. “The Sticks,” we call it.

196
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Population like 1500 people.

197
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Like the kind of small town where like

198
00:08:18,789 --> 00:08:21,542
the gas station’s, also the grocery store...

199
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,169
You know what I mean? Fuck around get some
sandwiches and some diesel.

200
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,337
You here? Why not save a trip?

201
00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:27,590
My hometown was so country man.

202
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,175
We used to have...

203
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:32,553
We used to have Drive Your Tractor To School Day.

204
00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:34,222
I swear to God.

205
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:35,932
Do you guys remember school spirit week?

206
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:36,765
Where like every day of the week

207
00:08:36,765 --> 00:08:38,976
would have a theme to it, like Pajama Day or Twin Day.

208
00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:40,770
We would have one day in that week

209
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:45,233
when like the rich kids will pull up and just fucking flex on us.

210
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,985
John Deere style.

211
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:52,782
And the women in my school would just get wet like, Oh my Lord,

212
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:55,159
he's got land! Cuz that's all.

213
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:58,454
people cared about where I was from was fucking farming,

214
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,457
Like you didn't need eight inches if you had eight acres

215
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,084
like that was

216
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,506
that was the biggest flex you could come with.

217
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,007
You compete with a farmer.

218
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:12,009
If he's plowing land, he can plow your bitch

219
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,804
straight up like there's just nothing you could do.

220
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:18,391
Nothing you could do.

221
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,309
But it's the type of small town where, like,

222
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,980
life just kind of dissipates.

223
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:27,817
You know what I mean, like,
everyone lives the exact same life timeline.

224
00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:29,569
Like, you, you.

225
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,154
You go to high school, you get pregnant,

226
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:36,284
then you graduate maybe.

227
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,327
And then you get a job, get married, and so on, and so forth

228
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:41,205
then you die in this hometown, it’s depressing nothing to do,

229
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:43,124
nothing to do for fun there.

230
00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:46,961
Everybody just drinks and does drugs,

231
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,964
but not cool like we do it, you know,

232
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:54,385
Theirs is because they're sad.

233
00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:58,973
So depressing, man.

234
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:03,352
I didn't realize drugs were as big of a problem when I was living there.

235
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:05,354
Apparently it’s gotten worse.

236
00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:07,857
I found out about three or four weeks ago
this kid who I went to school with

237
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:08,983
he's like two grades older than me.

238
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:09,859
We didn't know each other too well.

239
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:13,154
But there was only like 300 people in a school,
so we kind of know each other.

240
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,449
Found out like three or four weeks ago, this kid, um...

241
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:19,452
OD'd from heroin

242
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,245
in this town at his job.

243
00:10:21,245 --> 00:10:23,080
The same job he got when we were in high school.

244
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,041
He lived and died there.

245
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,585
And obviously the whole town got together

246
00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:30,129
and they mourned the loss of their dealer

247
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,842
and, no, guys, don't get weird, okay?

248
00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:37,303
There was ... no, there's a silver lining moment.

249
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:40,514
The whole town, I swear to God, they started a Go Fund Me

250
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:44,602
and they raised enough money so that they
could get him a memorial bench

251
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:47,563
at his favorite park,

252
00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:48,022
which I thought

253
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:51,776
was a really sweet memento, you know,
to provide other people seating...

254
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:54,945
to do their heroin.

255
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:56,322
I've never done heroin, but I imagine

256
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,116
you want to sit down.

257
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:03,454
Okay, whatever you guys don't know him.

258
00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:04,830
Okay, I'm just giving you a little perspective

259
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:06,791
that I could have been a bench! Okay?

260
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,168
but I'm not.

261
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:14,965
I’m nothing like where I'm from. It's so weird.

262
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,636
I'm good looking...

263
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,222
I don't like it any more than you guys do.

264
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,474
Okay, this is not good for comedy.

265
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:27,061
Okay, and it’s so weird for me.
My looks are so confusing to me

266
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,105
because you guys haven't known me my entire life,

267
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,232
so you have no context of this. But...

268
00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:34,819
this shit just happened.

269
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:38,572
Puberty hit me so disrespectfully late.

270
00:11:38,572 --> 00:11:42,535
I was ugly as shit for the first 22 years of my life.

271
00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:44,954
I was so ugly for so long.

272
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,456
If I would have been on Wayfair,
they would have returned me immediately.

273
00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:50,751
Like I was so ugly.

274
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:53,129
No don’t, “Oh..”, okay...

275
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,214
I spent the first 22 years of my life

276
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:59,802
building a personality for what?

277
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,470
You think I need to be funny now?

278
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,639
No, it's a fucking waste of my time, to be honest.

279
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,269
It’s gotten me nowhere.

280
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,230
And it's so weird because when you spend

281
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,274
so much of your life as one thing

282
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,735
and then you're drastically changed into something else overnight,

283
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,195
it fucks with you emotionally

284
00:12:18,195 --> 00:12:22,408
like I still it's still so new to me that I don't quite grasp it.

285
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,368
It doesn't- I don't see myself that way.

286
00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:27,163
Like I know I look like every fuck boy ever,

287
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:30,082
but I do identify as a ugly person.

288
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:34,754
So um, I think that does technically make me trans

289
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:40,468
Trans handsome—trandsome.

290
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:42,011
Yeah. We till we get our bathrooms.

291
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:44,346
It’s gonna be all mirrors.
Bunch of pretty people doin’ cocaine.

292
00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:47,183
It’s gonna be dope, and
y’all can’t come.

293
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,104
And it's so weird, man.

294
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,441
It's such a drastic lifestyle change too, because

295
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:57,735
people treat you so differently.

296
00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:59,862
Nobody likes attractive people, right?

297
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,281
You assume their lives are easier,

298
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:05,159
like there's no sympathy for pretty people at all,

299
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,995
which is another thing you guys might not know about me

300
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:11,457
is I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder

301
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,835
and you guys are just waiting for the punchline.

302
00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:18,214
That's how fucked up it is, that I could
come up here and vent to y’all..

303
00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:19,298
Basically bein’ like: Help!

304
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:22,259
And y’all are like:
Get your cute ass outta here!

305
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:23,886
It's not funny.

306
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,055
Awesome. Okay, it's so weird.

307
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,932
There's no sympathy for pretty people.

308
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:29,767
No one gives a fuck how sad you are

309
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,602
if you have high cheekbones. At all.

310
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:34,188
People act like I don't have any problems at all.

311
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:37,483
I could be crying my eyes out in bed and people are just like, wh-...

312
00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:40,486
what could you possibly be so upset about, huh?

313
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,864
I bet you're just swimming in pussy and it's like,

314
00:13:44,573 --> 00:13:47,076
Yeah, but

315
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:47,743
you know what?

316
00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:50,496
I'm not swimming in? Self-confidence! Security.

317
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:54,375
Believe it or not, someone who listens to me, I can't even hang myself

318
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,169
because my jaw line will cut the fucking rope

319
00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:05,177
and I'm just on the ground.

320
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,346
Handsome.

321
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:10,224
Even if I did die, it's gotta be a open casket.

322
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:11,934
People like.

323
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:13,853
God damn, he looks good in a suit.

324
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:14,687
That's really nice.

325
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,355
That's ... blue was his color.

326
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,274
That is nice.

327
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:23,279
There is no sympathy for pretty people.

328
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,322
You guys are lucky.

329
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,534
Count your blessings, uggos...

330
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,286
Shit ain’t sweet up here either. Okay.

331
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:33,455
Everybody's dealing with shit.

332
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,165
I just want you to remember that.

333
00:14:36,165 --> 00:14:36,876
Remember that.

334
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,044
Next time you're in bed having the worst day

335
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:40,629
crying your eyes out

336
00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:43,173
Your friends are by your bedside or blowing up your phone.

337
00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:44,967
Oh, my God. Are you okay?

338
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,802
Is there anything we can do to make you feel better?

339
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,596
What's wrong?

340
00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,055
Just remember

341
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:53,559
it means you're ugly.

342
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:54,727
I don't make up the rules. Okay.

343
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,103
I'm sorry if you were cute they’d be like

344
00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:57,021
Get up bitch we’re going to the club.

345
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:59,273
3 milly rocks be right back to it.

346
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:01,483
No problem. But...

347
00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:04,028
rules are rules.

348
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,074
It's weird because it's given me, um...

349
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,535
It's given me the perspective of...

350
00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:14,330
not judging people based on how they look.

351
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,332
I'm a big fan of that.

352
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,460
That's why I like the masks.

353
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:19,960
Love it.

354
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,254
You don't know who's ugly with a mask on, do you?

355
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,006
It's kind of a fun game to play, isn't it?

356
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:25,758
Just walking through the grocery store like,

357
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,510
Does this bitch have a beak? Like you don't know...

358
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:31,931
You don’t know what people's situations
are you got to get to know them before you can judge.

359
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:32,890
Like you wouldn't be able

360
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,768
to just assume I'm a douchebag if I have my mask on.

361
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,936
You have no basis.

362
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,021
I can walk into any Starbucks with my mask on.

363
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,148
They would just think I'm any random lesbian.

364
00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:41,523
You know what I mean?

365
00:15:41,523 --> 00:15:44,485
I could be anybody.

366
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:45,110
Could be anybody.

367
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,987
I go in they’re like: What's your name?
I’m like: Matt.

368
00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:49,490
They're like: You are so brave...

369
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:58,707
And the code to your bathroom is... 4, 7...

370
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:05,089
Man the masks made it so hard to holler at people, didn't it?

371
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:08,008
Because you don't know what 60% of their face

372
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:10,135
looks like that shit was so dangerous.

373
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,428
You ever talk to somebody for a while?

374
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:12,888
You're like, I got to know.

375
00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:13,722
You've got to come up with some, like,

376
00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:15,933
cute, clever way to get them to pull their mask down?

377
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:17,726
Say some dumb shit, like...

378
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:18,978
Have you smiled today?

379
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,690
I feel like you have a cute smile,
would you give me a smile real quick?

380
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,316
And you’ve been chatting forever

381
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,694
and she's been all eyes and she's like, Oh, I don't know.

382
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:27,945
I guess I could give you a

383
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,947
la la la la la la la la la ... d’OH!

384
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,573
God! Damn it!

385
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:32,366
Oh, my God.

386
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,951
I talk to you for an hour,

387
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,913
I gave you my time.

388
00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:41,040
I had no idea.

389
00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:44,628
But I like ‘em. I'm a big fan of not judging people

390
00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:46,547
based on how they look.

391
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,173
Because if there's one thing we all have in common,

392
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:52,469
every single person in this room,
is that everybody's going through something.

393
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,513
Right? Everybody in here is dealing with
some shit that nobody else

394
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,432
has any idea about.

395
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:57,349
I go through shit all the time.

396
00:16:57,349 --> 00:16:59,309
You guys would have no clue.

397
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:01,228
Like one thing you might not know is

398
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:03,230
I have terrible luck.

399
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:08,986
Bad random shit happens to me all the time.

400
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:14,657
And I'll tell you an incredibly embarrassing and humbling story.

401
00:17:16,242 --> 00:17:19,079
I need a moment.

402
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:20,789
I’m just thirsty.

403
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:26,712
Uhh...

404
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,173
Last year

405
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:33,343
I had to have surgery...

406
00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:36,430
on my nipples.

407
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:42,144
They're fine now.

408
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,563
You can stop looking.

409
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,609
Last year I ended up developing this freak medical condition.

410
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,693
Like this shit is so rare.

411
00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:54,573
It only happens to like 12-year-old boys and 80-year-old men.

412
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:57,159
And somehow I'm both like, it's so rare.

413
00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:58,827
My doctor looked me in my eyes.

414
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,455
I was like, I don't know why this happened to you.

415
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:05,292
I was like: First of all, I'm up here. Second...

416
00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:07,544
don't not give me an answer, okay?

417
00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:09,797
It's not very professional.

418
00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:12,925
It was this freak condition that was causing the breast tissue,

419
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:16,053
the breast tissue under my pecs that...

420
00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:19,598
bench about 285, 8 to 10 reps...

421
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:21,350
that’s neither here nor there.

422
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:23,602
It was causing the breast tissue to grow

423
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:26,021
incongruently under my nipples.

424
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:29,775
Now, before your imaginations start running

425
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,986
fucking wild, let me shut that down right now.

426
00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:33,403
Okay.

427
00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:37,116
Whatever image you're drawing up in your head, get it out of there.

428
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:39,785
It wasn't anything drastic at all.

429
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,161
If you had never see me shirtless

430
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:43,330
before, you would never even know the difference.

431
00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:45,582
But you know your body, right?

432
00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:47,668
If something's off just the littlest bit,

433
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,795
you notice it more than anybody else ever would.

434
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:51,964
So it was it was messing with me mentally.

435
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,341
Like, I wasn't I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.

436
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:56,260
I wasn't comfortable taking my shirt off.

437
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,178
My Instagram was suffering.

438
00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:00,389
I was like, if it starts messing with business

439
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:02,015
You got to get it checked out.

440
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,100
So I go to the doctor

441
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,686
and he's like...

442
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:06,395
Yeah, you got it.

443
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:09,898
I'm like: up!

444
00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:12,067
And so, what do we do?

445
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:15,195
He explains to me, that it's actually
an irreversible condition,

446
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:16,446
meaning it'll never just go away.

447
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:17,823
You can't take medicine for it.

448
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,617
You have to have it surgically removed from your body.

449
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:24,371
I was like, alright man,
what's the damage on something like that?

450
00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:28,959
And he explains to me that this surgery is going to be $9,000,

451
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:31,545
nine racks

452
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,797
out of pocket, mind you, because technically it's cosmetic.

453
00:19:33,797 --> 00:19:34,840
It's not life threatening.

454
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,967
So insurance doesn't cover it.

455
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:39,887
$9,000 in the middle of the pandemic,

456
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,347
which I don't know how much you guys know about standup comedy,

457
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:46,435
but this is the first time I've been inside in like two years, man.

458
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:49,396
I been performing in pickup trucks and Kmart parking lots

459
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,773
money has not been good to me.

460
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,442
I definitely didn't have $9,000

461
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,235
to drop on something that wasn't going to kill me.

462
00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:58,822
Breast implants are $10,000.

463
00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:01,825
So if you think my life is just, oh, so easy

464
00:20:01,825 --> 00:20:03,994
and I have no problems at all, you go home

465
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:08,040
and you think about the dilemma that I had to sit with by myself

466
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:11,835
every night leading up to this, like, god damn...

467
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:16,298
Am I about to drop $9,000 on something that’s

468
00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:20,594
ultimately cosmetic and really only affects how I feel about myself

469
00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:24,806
and whoever it is that I'm intimate with...

470
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:28,060
Or do I drop $10,000...

471
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:29,895
get these titties

472
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,522
and clean up at the women's Olympics

473
00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:34,024
Are you kidding me?

474
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:36,818
If I go full transition, it is over for you bitches.

475
00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:39,196
I don’t even run track and field.

476
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,906
I'm placin’ bronze guaranteed.

477
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:41,615
Okay.

478
00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:43,867
I'm a decent looking dude, but I'm a bad bitch.

479
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:47,287
Straight up.

480
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:54,670
Oh, I didn't need to tell you all that.

481
00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:10,560
I don't have a sponsorship.

482
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:15,315
Somebody gonna buy this, and
White Claw would be like: yeah, 60 grand.

483
00:21:15,315 --> 00:21:17,651
and Imma be like: It's all here, bro.

484
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:18,694
I don’t know.

485
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:19,194
I got nothing.

486
00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:22,531
I'll let you suck one for 30 seconds, let’s-

487
00:21:27,577 --> 00:21:28,662
That was weird. Um...

488
00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:38,672
When I got this chin...

489
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:45,554
I thought things would be different.

490
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,389
I thought things would be easier

491
00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:51,560
I thought dating would be easier. No...

492
00:21:52,227 --> 00:21:52,894
Maybe it's me.

493
00:21:52,894 --> 00:21:54,271
I'm. I'm very picky.

494
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:55,314
I'm so hard to date.

495
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:57,316
I have such a specific type.

496
00:21:58,025 --> 00:22:00,652
I predominantly only date older women.

497
00:22:01,653 --> 00:22:03,363
Just personal preference,

498
00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:05,240
like late thirties, early forties.

499
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,451
Oh my god, such a sweet spot. Oh,

500
00:22:07,784 --> 00:22:08,660
Audience member in the back:
Woo!

501
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:11,038
Well, not one’s who sit in the back...

502
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:16,626
This bitch is wooing from her
handicapped spot in the parking lot.

503
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,717
I also don't know if you match the criteria

504
00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:26,720
It's got to be late thirties, early forties, man...

505
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,972
Because women are kind of like Captain Crunch, right?

506
00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:32,476
Like they're the best right before their gross

507
00:22:37,564 --> 00:22:38,106
Fuck y'all.

508
00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:41,777
That's a solid cereal joke, okay?

509
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:44,863
Because if you fuck with Cap'n Crunch.

510
00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:47,449
If you fuck with Cap’n Crunch, you know, it's a very fine window

511
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:49,451
if it tears your mouth up and it's oatmeal, okay?

512
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,161
It's a very fine line.

513
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:52,496
It's like 42, apparently.

514
00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:54,706
Who knew?

515
00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:55,582
Some of you are not laughing

516
00:22:55,582 --> 00:22:57,667
cause you sittin’ there was some grits, and that's fine.

517
00:22:57,751 --> 00:22:58,585
That's

518
00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:00,545
snitch on yourself.

519
00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:01,713
If you want to

520
00:23:03,507 --> 00:23:05,759
We have a little brown sugar in the front row.

521
00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:08,804
Put your dash on it.

522
00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:11,848
That's how you holler.

523
00:23:12,432 --> 00:23:13,892
No verbal communication needed.

524
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,228
I knew what that meant.

525
00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:20,899
Older women are so dope, man.

526
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:22,818
Sometimes they got kids...

527
00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:25,487
which means they got snacks.

528
00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:28,240
I'm so easy, man. I can't cook at all.

529
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,282
I’ll fuck you for a Lunchable.

530
00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:30,992
That's a fact. I'm so easy.

531
00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:31,910
Are you kidding me?

532
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:34,746
If you have a crock pot, I will shut shit down

533
00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:36,957
to the best of my ability.

534
00:23:36,957 --> 00:23:37,457
I don't know.

535
00:23:37,457 --> 00:23:39,292
I don't know who you were dating before me or what they were doing.

536
00:23:39,292 --> 00:23:42,504
But I don't want to make false promises

537
00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:46,550
because sex is hard.

538
00:23:47,634 --> 00:23:49,678
It is.

539
00:23:50,971 --> 00:23:53,765
Ladies, y’all have it so easy.

540
00:23:53,974 --> 00:23:56,435
Oh, never heard that before?

541
00:23:56,643 --> 00:23:57,310
I fully believe.

542
00:23:57,310 --> 00:24:00,355
I fully believe women have sex so much easier than men.

543
00:24:00,355 --> 00:24:01,231
Audience member:
Woo!

544
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:02,524
Oh, okay...

545
00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:06,153
one ho in the back just like: Yeah! It just opens up...

546
00:24:06,194 --> 00:24:06,653
It's crazy.

547
00:24:06,653 --> 00:24:08,947
It just does its own thing.

548
00:24:10,031 --> 00:24:13,535
Dudes... dudes come outta her pussy like this:

549
00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:22,252
I think it’s so true!

550
00:24:22,252 --> 00:24:24,546
It's so much less work.

551
00:24:24,546 --> 00:24:27,007
All you technically have to do is like...

552
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:28,925
Mrh! You know what I mean? Like...

553
00:24:28,925 --> 00:24:30,886
They... that's all... Just be punctual.

554
00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:32,512
That's your only responsibility

555
00:24:32,512 --> 00:24:34,681
is to be on time, because we will start without you.

556
00:24:34,681 --> 00:24:36,975
That's the only requirement.

557
00:24:37,601 --> 00:24:38,560
Do you realize...

558
00:24:38,685 --> 00:24:39,311
Do you realize

559
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,813
as a man, like, there's a certain level of excitement

560
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:45,108
I have to get and I have to maintain this excitement the entire time

561
00:24:45,108 --> 00:24:47,110
While I’m focusing on a million things.

562
00:24:47,110 --> 00:24:49,029
I'm focusing on me. I'm focusing on you.

563
00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:50,113
I'm switching positions.

564
00:24:50,113 --> 00:24:51,615
It's a full court press.

565
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:52,741
The entire time..

566
00:24:52,741 --> 00:24:54,493
You focusing so much that sometimes...

567
00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:56,161
sometimes you go quick.

568
00:24:57,746 --> 00:24:58,663
If you fuckers leave me

569
00:24:58,663 --> 00:25:03,418
hanging on this right now like
I'm the only dude who's—at my special!

570
00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:06,505
Ya’ll gonna disrespect me like this

571
00:25:06,505 --> 00:25:07,631
Ya’ll ain’t shit, man.

572
00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:08,256
Oh, oh.

573
00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:10,425
I'm the only person ever to bust fast.

574
00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:14,471
Hilarious, you guys.

575
00:25:14,471 --> 00:25:16,640
Y'all ain't shit, you know that?

576
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,184
It happens—to the best of us, okay?

577
00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:22,020
It doesn’t always need to be a big deal.

578
00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:24,523
Be a big problem about it.

579
00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:26,608
Would you be mad if your food came out early

580
00:25:26,608 --> 00:25:28,443
at a restaurant?

581
00:25:28,818 --> 00:25:30,862
No. You’d be like the chef is killin’ it!

582
00:25:30,862 --> 00:25:33,448
I got all this time for activities.

583
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:38,411
I don't cum fast.

584
00:25:38,411 --> 00:25:39,663
I just respect your schedule.

585
00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:39,955
Okay?

586
00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:41,873
I know you...

587
00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:49,297
I know you got to take your kids
to school in the morning, so...

588
00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:51,967
Sex is hard.

589
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:55,303
The build up is fun, though...

590
00:25:55,303 --> 00:25:55,887
Like sexting...

591
00:25:55,887 --> 00:25:57,097
Sexting is the most fun.

592
00:25:57,097 --> 00:25:59,516
Oh, my God. Dudes love sexting.

593
00:26:00,850 --> 00:26:02,269
We’re so good at it.

594
00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:05,981
Because we're just lyin’, the whole time.

595
00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:06,898
It's so easy.

596
00:26:06,898 --> 00:26:09,693
We lie so much. We talk so much game...

597
00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:11,236
of what we can't wait to do to y'all

598
00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:14,072
when we see you—
we ain't doing none of that. Ever.

599
00:26:14,072 --> 00:26:15,448
At all.

600
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:17,492
We’re like the J.K. Rowling of dick pics

601
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:19,035
like we just writin’ fairy tales...

602
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:21,621
of shit we are never going to do to y’all. Ever.

603
00:26:21,788 --> 00:26:24,249
We set the bar too high we say crazy stuff

604
00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:25,417
like ... like...

605
00:26:25,875 --> 00:26:27,335
Girl when I see you imma...

606
00:26:27,335 --> 00:26:29,796
Imma put you up against the wall!

607
00:26:29,796 --> 00:26:31,089
Imma fuck you in the curtains!

608
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:33,758
like you ain't fucking nobody in the curtains.

609
00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:35,885
You've been to my house, I got blinds

610
00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:37,971
You want me to scratch my back up?

611
00:26:38,221 --> 00:26:40,015
Not very practical.

612
00:26:43,351 --> 00:26:44,894
I lied recently

613
00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:47,647
that's how the game goes...

614
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:51,735
I was sexting with this girl and like,
I could see where she was going with it,

615
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:54,070
but like- it was just rude of her to assume

616
00:26:54,362 --> 00:26:55,780
like... I was sexting with this girl

617
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:57,240
She was like...

618
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,034
I'm only 103 pounds

619
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:01,244
You could throw me around.

620
00:27:01,786 --> 00:27:03,580
I responded. As a dude.

621
00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:05,582
I was like, that's right!

622
00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:08,335
But on the inside I was like,

623
00:27:08,335 --> 00:27:09,669
That's...

624
00:27:09,669 --> 00:27:11,212
That's more than you think it is, that's...

625
00:27:13,506 --> 00:27:16,176
Fellas back me up on this. 103?!

626
00:27:16,176 --> 00:27:17,469
Get the fuck out.

627
00:27:17,469 --> 00:27:18,219
Oh, it's nothing?

628
00:27:18,219 --> 00:27:20,347
It's light work? Pick me up, then how 'bout-

629
00:27:20,555 --> 00:27:21,765
How about fuck your lower back?

630
00:27:21,765 --> 00:27:23,850
How about that?

631
00:27:23,850 --> 00:27:25,810
I haven't done a deadlift since 10th grade

632
00:27:25,810 --> 00:27:28,438
now fuckin' you's gotta be leg day?

633
00:27:28,438 --> 00:27:30,565
Now I got to fuck you with one of those weight trainer belts

634
00:27:30,565 --> 00:27:32,609
that Mexicans wear in the gym for no reason?

635
00:27:34,569 --> 00:27:37,072
Mexicans be in the gym doin' all arms

636
00:27:37,072 --> 00:27:38,698
got a whole back brace

637
00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:42,118
like, why you got jeans on?

638
00:27:51,169 --> 00:27:52,712
You said some people didn't like that?

639
00:27:54,214 --> 00:27:56,383
Well... it is what it is!

640
00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:05,558
I know. I talk a lotta shit

641
00:28:05,558 --> 00:28:06,768
but I'm the problem.

642
00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:07,644
Uhh I'm...

643
00:28:07,644 --> 00:28:10,397
I'm well aware ... I'm so picky!

644
00:28:11,564 --> 00:28:13,733
I have a lot of red flags that I look for.

645
00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:16,152
That's why, like, the first date's always the hardest

646
00:28:16,152 --> 00:28:19,406
because you're look- ...
I feel like like you're looking for things to not like.

647
00:28:19,406 --> 00:28:23,493
And that's so tough because...
there's a lot of shit I don't like.

648
00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:24,994
I'll list a couple of red flags for it

649
00:28:24,994 --> 00:28:27,706
and feel free to tell me if I'm out of pocket for not being

650
00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:30,959
okay with some of these things.

651
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,044
Red flag number one

652
00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:36,965
I don't fuck with girls who go on boats.

653
00:28:38,425 --> 00:28:40,719
It's ho shit.

654
00:28:46,474 --> 00:28:47,350
I feel like a lot of people in here

655
00:28:47,350 --> 00:28:48,935
have been cheated on...

656
00:28:50,645 --> 00:28:51,646
not on land.

657
00:28:51,646 --> 00:28:53,064
That's what it feels...

658
00:28:53,064 --> 00:28:54,899
But I'm happy to have y'all's support.

659
00:28:54,899 --> 00:28:56,693
It's because it's insanity to me.

660
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:57,944
If you live in L.A.

661
00:28:57,944 --> 00:29:00,739
and you date a hot girl for long enough, at some point

662
00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:03,324
this chick will come to you and say something like, Babe,

663
00:29:03,825 --> 00:29:07,287
there's just this guy, a friend of mine, who

664
00:29:08,621 --> 00:29:10,165
who wants to just take me

665
00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:12,834
and my eight hot girlfriends into the abyss!

666
00:29:12,834 --> 00:29:15,962
Are you out of your fucking mind?

667
00:29:15,962 --> 00:29:17,464
Why?!

668
00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:19,382
Wha- stay dry!

669
00:29:19,382 --> 00:29:21,968
Why? Like ... no!

670
00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:25,555
People. Get fucked. On boats.

671
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:30,101
Boats. Were built. For fuckin'.

672
00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:34,022
Since the beginning of boats people
been fuckin' on 'em.

673
00:29:34,022 --> 00:29:36,816
B.O.A.T. Bring Out Ass & Titties.

674
00:29:36,816 --> 00:29:40,320
It's been in front of us the whole time.

675
00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:42,280
It's always

676
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:43,823
been an acronym.

677
00:29:45,742 --> 00:29:48,953
My girl not gettin' on no boats.

678
00:29:48,953 --> 00:29:50,997
no kayaks,

679
00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:53,208
no canoes.

680
00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:55,502
no, no, no paddle boats.

681
00:29:55,502 --> 00:29:58,505
You're not working up a sweat next to another man.

682
00:29:58,505 --> 00:29:59,380
I'm not dealing with it.

683
00:29:59,380 --> 00:30:02,217
That's why women love Titanic so much.

684
00:30:03,593 --> 00:30:06,930
Because it's a beautiful story about a chick
who cheats on her man

685
00:30:06,930 --> 00:30:09,265
with a scrub...

686
00:30:09,766 --> 00:30:14,103
while her boyfriend is on the ship!

687
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:23,988
No.

688
00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:29,744
You say you like boats?

689
00:30:29,744 --> 00:30:30,578
Get out.

690
00:30:30,578 --> 00:30:31,538
Get out right now.

691
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:33,122
You got big boat energy right now

692
00:30:33,122 --> 00:30:35,500
and I'm not fucking with it.

693
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:40,338
So that's the big one.

694
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:41,339
Umm...

695
00:30:42,423 --> 00:30:44,342
Red flag number two:

696
00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:48,096
I don't fuck with Ouija boards.

697
00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:52,725
Obviously this only pertains to white women.

698
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:54,519
And you know what?

699
00:30:54,519 --> 00:30:56,771
This shouldn't even be a story that I have to tell,

700
00:30:56,896 --> 00:30:59,315
but it's been weighing heavy on my soul lately.

701
00:30:59,315 --> 00:31:01,067
So I'll, I'll let y'all in.

702
00:31:02,569 --> 00:31:03,444
A couple of years ago,

703
00:31:03,444 --> 00:31:05,947
I was doing a show at a comedy club in Hollywood,

704
00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:08,700
and I get off stage, and this beautiful girl comes up to me,

705
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:09,784
gives me her number.

706
00:31:09,784 --> 00:31:11,452
This happens all the time.

707
00:31:11,452 --> 00:31:13,538
And ... kidding.

708
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:15,582
She comes up to me, gives me her number, she's beautiful.

709
00:31:15,582 --> 00:31:17,083
We go our separate ways for the evening.

710
00:31:17,083 --> 00:31:19,460
The very next day she texted me and was like, Hey...

711
00:31:19,460 --> 00:31:20,753
I want to come over.

712
00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:22,422
I'm like, Bet.

713
00:31:22,422 --> 00:31:23,590
Still got it.

714
00:31:23,590 --> 00:31:25,216
You know what I mean?

715
00:31:26,175 --> 00:31:27,969
So she comes over,

716
00:31:27,969 --> 00:31:29,053
I let her in,

717
00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:31,347
go sit on the couch, and it's me and her on the couch.

718
00:31:31,347 --> 00:31:33,850
And then my roommate is down the hall in his room.

719
00:31:33,850 --> 00:31:34,475
His door's open.

720
00:31:34,475 --> 00:31:36,603
You can't see into the living room from his room.

721
00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,563
But he hears all of this. He's a witness.

722
00:31:38,563 --> 00:31:41,274
So we sit on the couch and for the first 2 minutes

723
00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:44,485
I'm asking all the questions that guys

724
00:31:45,445 --> 00:31:46,905
don't care about,

725
00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:48,907
but we don't want to come across too eager.

726
00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:53,202
So we ask silly questions like, you know, you got a family or...?

727
00:31:54,871 --> 00:31:56,080
you know, those your real ears?

728
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:58,291
You didn't get your ears done?
Like ... vague shit

729
00:31:58,291 --> 00:32:00,835
that we don't really care about at all.

730
00:32:00,835 --> 00:32:03,129
So we're talking for like 2 minutes.

731
00:32:03,129 --> 00:32:05,506
And then she hits me with,

732
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:07,008
Yeah, umm...

733
00:32:07,842 --> 00:32:11,262
Do you have a Ouija board?

734
00:32:11,262 --> 00:32:12,555
I'm like,

735
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:14,307
I don't

736
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:18,102
even have a headboard.

737
00:32:19,812 --> 00:32:21,314
Nah, don't.

738
00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:22,607
Don't got that on me.

739
00:32:22,607 --> 00:32:24,150
Sorry.

740
00:32:24,150 --> 00:32:26,235
And she goes, Well,

741
00:32:26,235 --> 00:32:28,947
can we go to Target and get one?

742
00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:31,449
I'm like, No,

743
00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:34,243
I've got Disney+

744
00:32:34,243 --> 00:32:36,704
that's what we're doing.

745
00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:38,289
And she's not giving up.

746
00:32:38,289 --> 00:32:40,750
She was like, Well, can I make one?

747
00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:43,294
I'm like, What in the demonic charcuterie...

748
00:32:44,295 --> 00:32:46,547
are you trying to bring into my home right now...

749
00:32:49,258 --> 00:32:51,636
and ... I'm trying to hit?

750
00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:54,973
So I'm like,

751
00:32:55,515 --> 00:32:57,433
Yeah, sure.

752
00:32:57,433 --> 00:33:01,813
If you can find the things in my apartment to make a Ouija board go.

753
00:33:01,813 --> 00:33:04,357
Go ahead--Biggest mistake of my life.

754
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:10,363
This stranger who I just met starts ransacking my apartment.

755
00:33:10,363 --> 00:33:11,739
She's opening every cabinet,

756
00:33:11,739 --> 00:33:14,325
every cupboard, every closet, going through everything.

757
00:33:14,409 --> 00:33:15,743
I don't know if you guys have ever seen a video

758
00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:18,037
of when a deer accidentally gets inside

759
00:33:19,038 --> 00:33:20,498
and it starts hittin' everything

760
00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:22,917
like it's never seen walls before...?

761
00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:24,127
But she's going crazy.

762
00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:26,295
She finds a couple of markers to write stuff down.

763
00:33:26,504 --> 00:33:28,798
She finds this little glass piece to be, like, the centerpiece.

764
00:33:29,173 --> 00:33:30,008
And she's like,

765
00:33:30,967 --> 00:33:32,010
That's how hard she's working.

766
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:33,970
She's out of breath.

767
00:33:35,471 --> 00:33:37,724
We don't have something to make the board.

768
00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:39,892
I was like, Damn, ya know, I...

769
00:33:41,561 --> 00:33:44,105
guess we got to watch Monsters Inc.

770
00:33:44,105 --> 00:33:45,773
Why don't you just sit on down?

771
00:33:45,773 --> 00:33:48,443
And she goes, Hold on a second.

772
00:33:48,443 --> 00:33:50,528
So she gets up and she goes over to the front door,

773
00:33:50,528 --> 00:33:53,031
she opens the front door and she goes outside.

774
00:33:53,239 --> 00:33:56,242
And my roommate comes down the hallway and is like,

775
00:33:59,370 --> 00:34:01,748
And I'm like, I don't know!

776
00:34:01,748 --> 00:34:05,752
So he goes over and slams the door shut behind her.

777
00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:08,087
I laughed so hard, but again...

778
00:34:08,087 --> 00:34:10,089
There's a mission at hand.

779
00:34:10,089 --> 00:34:11,007
So I'm like, Alright stop playin'.

780
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:12,425
So I get up, I go open the door.

781
00:34:12,425 --> 00:34:14,302
It's been 4 seconds.

782
00:34:14,302 --> 00:34:16,219
I go, I open the door.

783
00:34:16,219 --> 00:34:18,681
There's nobody out there.

784
00:34:18,681 --> 00:34:20,683
She's gone.

785
00:34:20,683 --> 00:34:25,353
So I'm like, Hey!

786
00:34:29,233 --> 00:34:31,569
Ashley?

787
00:34:34,572 --> 00:34:36,239
I'm going to shut the door.

788
00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:37,658
And once it's shut, it's gonna stay shut.

789
00:34:37,658 --> 00:34:39,494
You gonna be stuck out here...

790
00:34:41,496 --> 00:34:43,039
I'm serious, Amanda!

791
00:34:45,373 --> 00:34:46,958
All right, so I go.

792
00:34:46,958 --> 00:34:48,710
I swing the door and turn around.

793
00:34:48,710 --> 00:34:50,963
And straight out of a scary movie this chick's foot

794
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:53,549
BAH! Stops it right before closes

795
00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:56,135
on the frame, I was like, Jesus Christ!

796
00:34:56,135 --> 00:34:57,929
And here comes this chick

797
00:34:57,929 --> 00:35:02,141
lugging in this giant piece of cardboard.

798
00:35:02,475 --> 00:35:04,811
I'm like, Where did you get that?

799
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:07,730
She goes, It was just out there. Bitch,

800
00:35:07,730 --> 00:35:09,190
No, it wasn't.

801
00:35:09,190 --> 00:35:11,359
No, it was not just out there.

802
00:35:12,652 --> 00:35:14,695
So she brings it in,

803
00:35:14,695 --> 00:35:17,240
she sets it on the coffee table,

804
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:19,033
and we both sit on the couch.

805
00:35:19,033 --> 00:35:20,368
I don't know where it came from. I got it.

806
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,036
I lift it up.

807
00:35:22,036 --> 00:35:25,540
It's from the TV box I threw in the dumpster

808
00:35:25,623 --> 00:35:27,792
four days prior.

809
00:35:28,709 --> 00:35:30,962
This chick brought garbage

810
00:35:31,587 --> 00:35:35,716
back into my home to summon the devil.

811
00:35:36,884 --> 00:35:41,889
So, you know the sex is gonna be dope.

812
00:35:48,604 --> 00:35:51,691
She's fuckin crazy! I'm in.
I gotta do it now, you know what I mean?

813
00:35:51,691 --> 00:35:53,526
I mean, I never smashed a homeless chick before,

814
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:57,029
but she clearly brought all of her things

815
00:36:00,449 --> 00:36:03,161
So she's like, All right, you ready to make one?

816
00:36:03,619 --> 00:36:06,789
I'm like, I guess! Yeah...

817
00:36:06,789 --> 00:36:08,207
So she draws it out.

818
00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:11,586
And before I continue, does anybody not know what a Ouija board is?

819
00:36:12,253 --> 00:36:13,087
Audience member:
Yeah.

820
00:36:13,087 --> 00:36:13,963
Really?

821
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:15,673
You really don't know?

822
00:36:15,673 --> 00:36:16,424
Oh, man.

823
00:36:16,424 --> 00:36:19,510
Okay, well, first of all, God bless you,

824
00:36:19,510 --> 00:36:21,429
You're so naive...

825
00:36:24,849 --> 00:36:26,142
A Ouija board is...

826
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:29,770
Essentially it's a toy board that you can get from

827
00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:32,940
any store like Walmart or Target or whatever.

828
00:36:32,940 --> 00:36:34,233
It's, uhh...

829
00:36:34,233 --> 00:36:37,570
And people use it to drunk text the dead essentially.

830
00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:40,990
That's all it's good for, and it's a very simple layout.

831
00:36:41,324 --> 00:36:43,451
It has the... the alphabet

832
00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:45,453
right here, close, center, middle of the boards.

833
00:36:45,703 --> 00:36:48,581
That's where, um...
the centerpiece is supposed to be guided

834
00:36:48,915 --> 00:36:53,127
by a spirit to spell out certain words
to questions that you ask it.

835
00:36:53,127 --> 00:36:56,214
So the middle is the alphabet, right corner is "No"

836
00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:59,050
Left corner is "Yes"

837
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:01,385
Alphabet left "Yes"

838
00:37:01,677 --> 00:37:02,595
"No."

839
00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:04,305
"Yes" alphabet "No"

840
00:37:04,305 --> 00:37:06,515
So she draws the whole thing up

841
00:37:07,266 --> 00:37:10,478
and she's like, All right, so there's a couple of rules.

842
00:37:10,478 --> 00:37:13,105
You have to know when you're going to play with the Ouija board.

843
00:37:13,147 --> 00:37:14,815
I was like, Yeah, duh.

844
00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:16,484
I mean, everybody knows that.

845
00:37:16,484 --> 00:37:18,903
But refresh me again.

846
00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:20,863
She was like, Rule number one,

847
00:37:20,863 --> 00:37:24,242
you never play with it by yourself. Ever.

848
00:37:25,868 --> 00:37:26,661
Okay,

849
00:37:27,536 --> 00:37:28,746
rule number two,

850
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:30,998
you have to remember to say goodbye

851
00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:36,254
because apparently you can't ghost the ghosts.

852
00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:38,089
So she's like, Alright, let's play.

853
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:38,923
Okay.

854
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:41,175
So got our hands on the piece

855
00:37:41,175 --> 00:37:43,970
and she's like, Alright we gotta ask it a question.

856
00:37:44,553 --> 00:37:47,848
Alright go ahead! Alright, umm...

857
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:49,183
okay,

858
00:37:49,892 --> 00:37:51,936
is there anybody here with us?

859
00:37:52,186 --> 00:37:54,397
And you just hear my roommate down the hallway go, yeah,

860
00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,606
his name is Brandon

861
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:58,234
and he fucking lives here.

862
00:38:01,696 --> 00:38:03,155
Touché he pays rent...

863
00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:06,450
which do you? ...no.

864
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:10,329
So she's like, Alright, I'll ask it another question.

865
00:38:11,330 --> 00:38:13,541
Did anybody die here?

866
00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:15,668
Doesn't move.

867
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:18,587
I'm like... This is crazy!...

868
00:38:18,587 --> 00:38:20,798
She's like, Uh, well then you ask it something.

869
00:38:20,798 --> 00:38:23,634
I'm like, Okay, umm...

870
00:38:25,553 --> 00:38:28,848
Should we go lay down in my room?

871
00:38:28,848 --> 00:38:34,895
Oh!... Oh!... Oh!

872
00:38:34,895 --> 00:38:37,898
Well we don't want to piss off the dead, do we?

873
00:38:38,691 --> 00:38:40,151
She was like, You're right.

874
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:43,654
So we go lay down this chick brings the

875
00:38:43,654 --> 00:38:46,782
cardboard in the room with her.

876
00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:49,618
She sets it at the foot of the bed

877
00:38:49,618 --> 00:38:52,580
like it's a golden retriever.

878
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:55,041
Now we're under the covers

879
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,209
We're doin' more

880
00:38:57,209 --> 00:38:58,919
makeshift conversation.

881
00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:01,005
You know, I'm uh- you got...

882
00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:04,258
dreams? Or... you know...

883
00:39:04,258 --> 00:39:06,635
what's your favorite picture? Er, you know,

884
00:39:06,635 --> 00:39:08,929
just vague shit I don't care about.

885
00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:12,350
And about like 4 or 5 minutes after this.

886
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:15,644
She just knocks out, like,

887
00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:19,148
not a subtle,
I'm starting to feel a little bit tired

888
00:39:19,273 --> 00:39:20,566
Like, just straight. Yeah.

889
00:39:20,566 --> 00:39:21,734
And then, like,

890
00:39:21,734 --> 00:39:23,319
Zzzzzzz....

891
00:39:23,319 --> 00:39:25,363
Like she is slumped.

892
00:39:26,489 --> 00:39:30,034
and now it's her asleep, me under the covers,

893
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:35,790
and I'm staring down just terrified of this Samsung TV box.

894
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:38,709
And all I could think is

895
00:39:41,170 --> 00:39:42,421
this bitch

896
00:39:42,421 --> 00:39:44,799
didn't say goodbye!

897
00:39:50,596 --> 00:39:53,057
Now I'm terrified up by myself.

898
00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,016
I'm trying to wake her up.

899
00:39:54,016 --> 00:39:57,812
I'm like, Hey!... Hey...

900
00:39:58,396 --> 00:40:01,941
Allison? ... Hey!

901
00:40:03,150 --> 00:40:04,110
Great.

902
00:40:05,027 --> 00:40:06,529
She's asleep...

903
00:40:08,739 --> 00:40:11,367
Now I gotta play with it by myself.

904
00:40:13,494 --> 00:40:18,040
So I start jerking off and she wakes up
straight out of an exorcism.

905
00:40:18,374 --> 00:40:20,376
And was like, What are you doing?

906
00:40:20,376 --> 00:40:21,669
And I was like, Oh God!

907
00:40:21,669 --> 00:40:24,422
And I swear to God, I spirit left my body

908
00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:25,798
and hit her right in the face.

909
00:40:25,798 --> 00:40:28,342
It was the craziest thing...

910
00:40:28,342 --> 00:40:31,679
I've ever seen.

911
00:40:36,100 --> 00:40:38,144
Oh, God.

912
00:40:38,394 --> 00:40:39,478
I never saw her again.

913
00:40:39,478 --> 00:40:40,396
I never saw her.

914
00:40:40,396 --> 00:40:42,982
To this day, I'm not convinced she wasn't a ghost.

915
00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:46,569
Wouldn't surprise me.

916
00:40:47,862 --> 00:40:49,989
Uhhh....

917
00:40:50,948 --> 00:40:52,491
That's why I can't mess with young people.

918
00:40:52,491 --> 00:40:53,075
I really can't.

919
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:55,786
She was 25, 26, just put off of it.

920
00:40:56,745 --> 00:40:57,872
Makes me feel so much older.

921
00:40:57,872 --> 00:40:59,707
Dealing with somebody like that.

922
00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:01,167
I do feel older.

923
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:02,001
I date older women.

924
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,878
All my friends are older.

925
00:41:03,878 --> 00:41:06,005
I fucking hate kids so much.

926
00:41:06,213 --> 00:41:07,006
Kids...

927
00:41:07,089 --> 00:41:08,132
fuckin' suck, man.

928
00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:10,259
Oh, my God, they're so garbage.

929
00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:13,137
I don't like young people at all, man.

930
00:41:13,137 --> 00:41:15,181
We just don't click. I'm not on...

931
00:41:15,890 --> 00:41:18,434
I'm on none of the apps that they're on.

932
00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:20,060
What's the what's the one

933
00:41:20,060 --> 00:41:23,189
app that literally every kid is on it?

934
00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:25,816
No... Amber Alert?

935
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:29,069
Every kid is on Amber Alert, aren't they?

936
00:41:29,361 --> 00:41:30,362
It's like man ain't nobody looking for you.

937
00:41:30,362 --> 00:41:33,574
How many followers you got?
Enough for a search party I hope.

938
00:41:35,242 --> 00:41:36,785
See, this is hilarious to me because I can feel

939
00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:39,205
the hypocrisy radiating off y'all right now.

940
00:41:39,205 --> 00:41:40,289
Like I'm the asshole.

941
00:41:40,289 --> 00:41:41,832
That's adorable. Okay.

942
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:44,168
When's the last time you got an Amber Alert on your phone

943
00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:48,214
and your first reaction wasn't, Oh, shit, how do I turn this off?

944
00:41:48,297 --> 00:41:50,466
How do I ...

945
00:41:51,050 --> 00:41:51,842
None of y'all are like,

946
00:41:51,842 --> 00:41:53,219
We gotta find these kids!!

947
00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:54,428
Not one person.

948
00:41:54,428 --> 00:41:56,555
Y'all haven't found a kid since milk was in a carton.

949
00:41:56,597 --> 00:41:58,432
Okay, judge me?

950
00:41:58,432 --> 00:41:59,308
It's a terrible app.

951
00:41:59,308 --> 00:42:00,893
Is the worst app.

952
00:42:00,893 --> 00:42:02,353
It's vague...

953
00:42:02,353 --> 00:42:05,147
Like, Be on the look out for 2015 silver Prius like,

954
00:42:05,147 --> 00:42:07,525
Is he in my Uber? Is this is a rideshare?

955
00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:09,610
Did I hit "pool"?

956
00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:14,198
The alarm's the worst part. By far.

957
00:42:14,198 --> 00:42:16,450
They haven't changed the alarm in like 30 years

958
00:42:16,450 --> 00:42:17,910
it's still the same

959
00:42:17,910 --> 00:42:20,246
Ehhh! Ehhh! Ehhh!

960
00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:23,832
I get so mad when that shit goes off on my phone,

961
00:42:24,208 --> 00:42:27,461
I could be standing next to the kidnapper,
and be like, Hey!...

962
00:42:28,420 --> 00:42:29,880
Is it in the settings?

963
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:33,217
I go to general? Notification...

964
00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:36,804
I closed out of the Wayfair app.

965
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:41,767
You guys remember that?

966
00:42:41,767 --> 00:42:43,811
You guys remember when Wayfair was ...

967
00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:46,272
sellin' other stuff?

968
00:42:47,565 --> 00:42:50,693
for any of you guys who might not remember Wayfair,
the furniture company

969
00:42:51,110 --> 00:42:53,862
in 2020 was accused

970
00:42:53,862 --> 00:42:56,198
of allegedly

971
00:42:57,241 --> 00:43:01,245
being involved in human trafficking, and

972
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:03,664
we forgave them pretty quick.

973
00:43:03,664 --> 00:43:05,040
Didn't we? They're killing it.

974
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:07,042
Their business is booming right now.

975
00:43:07,042 --> 00:43:08,711
Supplied the chairs y'all sitting on right now.

976
00:43:08,711 --> 00:43:12,548
So if you could, please give a warm round of applause for our sponsor,

977
00:43:13,549 --> 00:43:16,135
Bro, they came back hot! With some deals too!

978
00:43:16,135 --> 00:43:18,178
They were like, I'm sorry, five...

979
00:43:18,178 --> 00:43:20,055
Our bad, ten...

980
00:43:20,055 --> 00:43:21,557
I was like, Are these the ages of the discounts?

981
00:43:21,557 --> 00:43:24,101
Like I just don't trust you anymore.

982
00:43:24,101 --> 00:43:26,437
I don't trust you.

983
00:43:26,437 --> 00:43:27,980
It was bad, man.

984
00:43:27,980 --> 00:43:30,941
We found out as a people we hate human trafficking,

985
00:43:31,483 --> 00:43:34,361
but not as much as we hate an unfurnished patio.

986
00:43:34,361 --> 00:43:36,280
Am I right?

987
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:38,741
Them umbrellas ain't cheap, man.

988
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:42,036
I know it's not funny.

989
00:43:42,036 --> 00:43:43,495
It's not funny. It's very serious.

990
00:43:43,495 --> 00:43:48,375
And I do feel very bad for all the families affected by that.

991
00:43:48,375 --> 00:43:50,502
Obviously, I feel terrible about it.

992
00:43:50,502 --> 00:43:53,130
But I especially feel bad

993
00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:56,300
for the dude who just wanted a desk.

994
00:43:56,675 --> 00:43:57,968
You know what I mean?

995
00:43:57,968 --> 00:43:59,970
How many times have you got the wrong order in the mail?

996
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:01,347
And I-

997
00:44:02,848 --> 00:44:04,141
Now you got to get a crib, too?

998
00:44:04,141 --> 00:44:05,559
It's a lot of money out of pocket.

999
00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:10,773
It's messed up, man.

1000
00:44:11,106 --> 00:44:11,774
Can't support 'em.

1001
00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:14,360
Don't support Wayfair.

1002
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:15,611
They're terrible.

1003
00:44:16,570 --> 00:44:19,573
Not as bad as IKEA, but

1004
00:44:19,573 --> 00:44:20,324
fuck IKEA.

1005
00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:21,533
You kidding me?

1006
00:44:21,533 --> 00:44:22,868
They're way worse.

1007
00:44:22,868 --> 00:44:25,954
IKEA needs to come with a kid
just to help put that shit together.

1008
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:30,709
Somebody gotta hold these sides, bro,
God damn.

1009
00:44:30,709 --> 00:44:31,919
Can I go home now?

1010
00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:33,796
I don't know, man. That's a lot of leftover pieces.

1011
00:44:33,796 --> 00:44:37,508
You sure you didn't skip any steps?

1012
00:44:37,508 --> 00:44:41,095
There's always so many leftover pieces
after an IKEA project, isn't there?

1013
00:44:41,178 --> 00:44:44,014
You look at a final IKEA piece like...

1014
00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:45,557
I guess that's it.

1015
00:44:47,017 --> 00:44:48,102
And then you find out you messed up on

1016
00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:50,604
step eight of 49 and you're like,

1017
00:44:50,604 --> 00:44:52,064
I guess we just don't have a bottom shelf.

1018
00:44:52,064 --> 00:44:52,856
It is what it is.

1019
00:44:52,856 --> 00:44:55,859
We'll... we'll put tall stuff there...

1020
00:44:59,029 --> 00:45:01,281
Guys, relax.

1021
00:45:01,615 --> 00:45:02,116
Still me.

1022
00:45:02,116 --> 00:45:05,494
Remember, the dude who's been telling jokes for 45 minutes?

1023
00:45:05,494 --> 00:45:06,620
Still just a joke.

1024
00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:09,289
This is why comedy is the most frustrating job in the world.

1025
00:45:09,832 --> 00:45:11,875
It's because this is the only job in the world

1026
00:45:11,875 --> 00:45:14,253
that I would have to reiterate to y'all what I'm doing.

1027
00:45:14,253 --> 00:45:15,587
That I'm just kidding.

1028
00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:18,257
I don't mean this shit that comes out of my mouth.

1029
00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:20,676
Rappers don't have to do that.

1030
00:45:20,676 --> 00:45:22,594
Rappers are literally like,

1031
00:45:22,594 --> 00:45:25,806
I fucked yo bitch!
And killed yo family!

1032
00:45:25,973 --> 00:45:29,893
and y'all are just like,
Aaaahhhh!!!

1033
00:45:29,893 --> 00:45:31,478
They don't gotta be like, I'm just rapping.

1034
00:45:31,478 --> 00:45:33,272
I'm just rapping, y'all.

1035
00:45:33,731 --> 00:45:34,606
I wouldn't do nothing like that.

1036
00:45:34,606 --> 00:45:35,691
I'm David. You know me.

1037
00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:39,153
I wouldn't do nothing like that.

1038
00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:42,072
So hypocritical, man.

1039
00:45:42,072 --> 00:45:44,366
That's the one thing comedians do have over rappers.

1040
00:45:44,366 --> 00:45:45,868
Is freedom of speech.

1041
00:45:45,868 --> 00:45:47,995
It's kind of like an unwritten rule in comedy, right?

1042
00:45:47,995 --> 00:45:49,580
You can joke about messed up stuff

1043
00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:52,040
as long as it's funnier than it is messed up.

1044
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:55,294
And rappers don't get that kind of leeway.

1045
00:45:55,294 --> 00:45:56,295
It's not fair.

1046
00:45:56,295 --> 00:45:57,463
Like if they admit to a crime,

1047
00:45:57,463 --> 00:46:00,549
they did on beat, they still go to jail.

1048
00:46:00,549 --> 00:46:01,300
I don't think that's fair.

1049
00:46:01,300 --> 00:46:03,552
Respect the artistry. Give them a chance. Okay?

1050
00:46:03,552 --> 00:46:06,013
I think if you can make a doper song than the charges

1051
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,765
you're trying to beat, you get to go home.

1052
00:46:07,765 --> 00:46:08,891
I think that's fair.

1053
00:46:09,099 --> 00:46:09,975
I think that's fair.

1054
00:46:09,975 --> 00:46:12,102
All spectrums of crime, too.

1055
00:46:12,102 --> 00:46:15,147
Can you imagine Ted Bundy

1056
00:46:15,147 --> 00:46:17,941
in court? And they're like You're going to jail forever.

1057
00:46:17,941 --> 00:46:20,360
And he's like, Well, wait til you hear this shit.

1058
00:46:20,778 --> 00:46:23,113
It's a little song.

1059
00:46:23,113 --> 00:46:25,616
I call, "I Eat The Pussy Up" starring J. Dahms...

1060
00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:33,791
Because he's a cannibal.

1061
00:46:39,046 --> 00:46:41,799
Okay, that one was a tough sell.

1062
00:46:42,007 --> 00:46:42,966
That's fine.

1063
00:46:43,425 --> 00:46:44,134
I understand.

1064
00:46:44,134 --> 00:46:46,929
See if we can get you all back with something
a little bit more levelheaded.

1065
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:48,639
We can all kind of get on board with

1066
00:46:52,017 --> 00:46:53,519
Gun control?

1067
00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:55,604
Why not, right?

1068
00:46:56,355 --> 00:46:58,524
Can't be worse than the Wayfair shit...

1069
00:46:58,524 --> 00:46:59,024
it is.

1070
00:46:59,024 --> 00:46:59,858
This is way worse.

1071
00:46:59,858 --> 00:47:01,610
If that one wasn't your shit.

1072
00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:02,694
Buckle up.

1073
00:47:02,986 --> 00:47:05,447
This is a lot harder one to tackle.

1074
00:47:05,447 --> 00:47:07,574
Gun control is so tricky because I...

1075
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:10,118
I see both sides.

1076
00:47:10,118 --> 00:47:10,994
I do understand.

1077
00:47:10,994 --> 00:47:12,704
I understand the amendment.

1078
00:47:12,704 --> 00:47:14,206
Everyone's right to have a gun.

1079
00:47:14,206 --> 00:47:16,625
That makes sense to me,
especially when it comes to things like protection

1080
00:47:16,625 --> 00:47:18,043
or providing for your family.

1081
00:47:18,043 --> 00:47:19,545
That makes sense.

1082
00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:21,797
But at the same time...

1083
00:47:23,590 --> 00:47:24,424
Everybody?

1084
00:47:25,884 --> 00:47:28,053
Every- Not everybody gets a gun...

1085
00:47:28,053 --> 00:47:29,054
Right? That's crazy.

1086
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:30,305
You all know somebody.

1087
00:47:30,305 --> 00:47:33,600
That you're like,
This motherfucker should not have a gun, right?

1088
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,103
It's so easy to be irresponsible with a gun.

1089
00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:38,647
When's the last time you held a gun and didn't do this shit?

1090
00:47:38,689 --> 00:47:41,733
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

1091
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:43,151
People freak out every time.

1092
00:47:43,151 --> 00:47:44,444
But no, don't! Like, I wouldn't...

1093
00:47:44,444 --> 00:47:46,738
But would I? It's a timeless bit.

1094
00:47:46,738 --> 00:47:50,450
That shit has been funny for centuries.

1095
00:47:50,450 --> 00:47:53,412
I think it's so easy to be irresponsible with a gun that I think

1096
00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:56,415
a simple interim solution would be.

1097
00:47:56,874 --> 00:48:00,043
It just needs to be a little bit harder to get the gun.

1098
00:48:00,043 --> 00:48:01,086
That's all I suggest.

1099
00:48:01,086 --> 00:48:02,713
I think there's so many tiers

1100
00:48:02,713 --> 00:48:05,966
to responsibility that you should have to surpass
before you can have a gun.

1101
00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:07,175
That's all I suggest.

1102
00:48:07,175 --> 00:48:09,553
And I'm not even proposing anything difficult.

1103
00:48:09,553 --> 00:48:10,721
Simple shit, like...

1104
00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:14,975
If you haven't had sex yet... straight-up...

1105
00:48:15,309 --> 00:48:16,268
No gun.

1106
00:48:16,268 --> 00:48:17,269
Okay, that is.

1107
00:48:17,269 --> 00:48:18,979
That is way too much power for you.

1108
00:48:18,979 --> 00:48:21,273
How you gonna pull a trigger before you've had to pull out like,

1109
00:48:21,273 --> 00:48:22,733
That takes discipline.

1110
00:48:22,733 --> 00:48:24,693
And I need to see you in a moment of crisis.

1111
00:48:24,693 --> 00:48:24,943
Okay?

1112
00:48:24,943 --> 00:48:27,487
Can you handle the power?

1113
00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:29,990
Do you realize if something as simple as that was implemented?

1114
00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:32,451
If something as simple as having sex was a requirement

1115
00:48:32,451 --> 00:48:33,869
for getting a registered firearm,

1116
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:36,496
what kind of impact that would have on the entire problem?

1117
00:48:37,247 --> 00:48:39,875
School shootings would drop off almost completely.

1118
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:43,378
Have you ever seen pictures of these kids who shoot up schools?

1119
00:48:43,837 --> 00:48:45,547
They are so fucking ugly.

1120
00:48:45,547 --> 00:48:48,216
You kind of get it a little bit like they weren't fucking.

1121
00:48:48,216 --> 00:48:51,011
There has never been a handsome school shooter that they were like,

1122
00:48:51,011 --> 00:48:52,930
Ah! ... He was gonna be prom king!

1123
00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:55,724
Like, never, once, never.

1124
00:48:55,807 --> 00:48:58,268
No one has time to write a manifesto and get pussy.

1125
00:48:58,268 --> 00:48:59,102
That's science.

1126
00:48:59,102 --> 00:49:00,938
Okay?

1127
00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:04,524
It's too much detail.

1128
00:49:06,068 --> 00:49:08,111
Look, I'm well aware

1129
00:49:08,153 --> 00:49:11,323
that school shooting is a very hard thing to try to make funny.

1130
00:49:12,366 --> 00:49:14,534
but we're gonna try.

1131
00:49:14,826 --> 00:49:16,870
And I feel like I owe the explanation as to like,

1132
00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:19,081
why would I joke about something this fucked up?

1133
00:49:19,081 --> 00:49:21,124
And the reason being

1134
00:49:21,917 --> 00:49:24,795
is it's sort of my coping mechanism.

1135
00:49:24,795 --> 00:49:28,006
I try to make light of terrible situations,

1136
00:49:28,298 --> 00:49:31,176
luckily through humor, so that I'm not sad.

1137
00:49:31,426 --> 00:49:33,553
Every fucking day.

1138
00:49:33,553 --> 00:49:36,139
Because what's the first thing you do
when you wake up every morning,

1139
00:49:36,139 --> 00:49:37,933
you check your phone, right?

1140
00:49:37,933 --> 00:49:41,395
Probably get on Twitter,
some sort of news, yeah you get caught up.

1141
00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:44,314
And doesn't it feel like there's something negative, immediately.

1142
00:49:44,648 --> 00:49:46,984
There's so much negativity in front of our faces daily,

1143
00:49:46,984 --> 00:49:49,486
that I can't imagine living any kind of life

1144
00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:52,155
where I don't have an outlet for that.

1145
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:53,907
negativity it just festers inside of me.

1146
00:49:53,907 --> 00:49:55,826
It makes me a miserable human being.

1147
00:49:55,826 --> 00:49:58,161
If I have an outlet through humor, I'm going to use it.

1148
00:49:58,161 --> 00:49:59,788
You be miserable, not me.

1149
00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:03,333
Now, I respect that that's not for everybody.

1150
00:50:03,333 --> 00:50:05,252
That's not how everybody's brain works.

1151
00:50:05,252 --> 00:50:06,878
Like, I had a woman furious one time.

1152
00:50:06,878 --> 00:50:08,130
She stood up in the middle of a show

1153
00:50:08,130 --> 00:50:10,716
one time when I was doing some

1154
00:50:10,716 --> 00:50:13,635
other school shooting material and

1155
00:50:14,845 --> 00:50:15,554
she was furious.

1156
00:50:15,554 --> 00:50:19,975
She stood up and was like,
You shouldn't do jokes about school shootings.

1157
00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:24,146
And I was like, Why?

1158
00:50:25,731 --> 00:50:28,859
She was like, Because what if it happened to you? Hm?

1159
00:50:28,859 --> 00:50:31,153
What if you lost your kid in a school shooting incident? Hm?

1160
00:50:31,570 --> 00:50:33,864
Could you make jokes about it then?

1161
00:50:33,864 --> 00:50:36,491
And I was like, Ugh... this bitch...

1162
00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:38,493
Because it's like context,

1163
00:50:38,493 --> 00:50:38,869
You know what I mean?

1164
00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:39,745
It's a comedy show.

1165
00:50:39,745 --> 00:50:41,997
Clearly, everything I'm saying is hypothetical.

1166
00:50:41,997 --> 00:50:43,915
Like, I'm not talking about this in a literal sense,

1167
00:50:43,915 --> 00:50:46,334
especially because I don't have any fucking kids.

1168
00:50:46,334 --> 00:50:46,752
Okay?

1169
00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:49,129
So it's not something I have to think about on a daily basis,

1170
00:50:49,546 --> 00:50:51,965
but it's something I had never taken into consideration.

1171
00:50:52,215 --> 00:50:53,383
So it did fuck me up a little bit.

1172
00:50:53,383 --> 00:50:55,719
I had to take a step back as a man

1173
00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:59,848
and as a comedian and actually ask myself, like, if

1174
00:51:01,808 --> 00:51:03,935
if I lost my kid

1175
00:51:03,935 --> 00:51:06,813
in a school shooting incident,

1176
00:51:06,855 --> 00:51:09,274
could I ever make jokes about it?

1177
00:51:09,691 --> 00:51:13,653
And the answer is, yeah, that's a hard yes for me.

1178
00:51:13,695 --> 00:51:13,945
Okay.

1179
00:51:13,945 --> 00:51:17,741
That is for sure how I would heal
through that traumatic experience.

1180
00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:18,408
Are you kidding me?

1181
00:51:18,408 --> 00:51:21,578
Second of all, it's my kid that's fucking fair game.

1182
00:51:21,620 --> 00:51:22,829
Okay? There...

1183
00:51:23,705 --> 00:51:26,374
there is no way I'm not killing it at that funeral

1184
00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:27,626
like...

1185
00:51:27,626 --> 00:51:29,419
He was never good at hide and seek!

1186
00:51:29,461 --> 00:51:32,464
Like, come on, man, that shit is too easy, bro.

1187
00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:35,592
The kids don't play the games anymore.

1188
00:51:35,592 --> 00:51:37,969
It's easier targets.

1189
00:51:43,058 --> 00:51:47,604
#bringbackhideandseek

1190
00:51:47,604 --> 00:51:49,689
I like this topic only because it's.

1191
00:51:50,023 --> 00:51:52,526
It creates such a divide racially

1192
00:51:52,567 --> 00:51:53,985
between black people and white people

1193
00:51:53,985 --> 00:51:56,196
when it comes to the topic of school shootings. Because

1194
00:51:57,322 --> 00:51:59,950
it's usually us

1195
00:52:01,618 --> 00:52:03,870
and black people love to joke all the time.

1196
00:52:03,870 --> 00:52:05,080
They love to be like, oh, you know, it's

1197
00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:07,249
all the white kids shooting up all the schools...

1198
00:52:07,249 --> 00:52:13,004
Shooting up the school is a white kid's sport. Urrrr!

1199
00:52:13,004 --> 00:52:14,548
I hear that joke all the time.

1200
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:16,550
Shooting up the school is a white kid sport!

1201
00:52:16,550 --> 00:52:17,008
It's funny.

1202
00:52:17,008 --> 00:52:19,302
It's a good joke.

1203
00:52:19,511 --> 00:52:22,305
Until you think about the history of sports,

1204
00:52:22,305 --> 00:52:25,475
because if I know anything about
the history of sports, it's that...

1205
00:52:26,143 --> 00:52:28,061
if white people are good at it now...

1206
00:52:29,146 --> 00:52:32,691
black people are going to be
way better at it someday.

1207
00:52:38,155 --> 00:52:39,030
Somebody gotta be Wilt.

1208
00:52:39,030 --> 00:52:42,409
Somebody gotta come in and change the game.

1209
00:52:44,536 --> 00:52:47,330
Some of you are laughing because it's fucked up
and some of you are because you're like,

1210
00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:48,248
He's... he's right!

1211
00:52:49,749 --> 00:52:50,542
They're gonna be faster.

1212
00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:52,085
They're gonna be stronger.

1213
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:05,223
Aaand canceled.

1214
00:53:05,223 --> 00:53:06,308
Awesome.

1215
00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:10,061
Ohhh cancel culture.

1216
00:53:13,356 --> 00:53:15,025
We got to chill out

1217
00:53:15,609 --> 00:53:16,735
with the cancel culture stuff.

1218
00:53:16,735 --> 00:53:19,070
We got to chill out.

1219
00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:21,531
The spectrum is too broad.

1220
00:53:21,531 --> 00:53:24,492
I don't have time to care about everything

1221
00:53:24,951 --> 00:53:26,661
because you make such a big deal about nothing.

1222
00:53:26,661 --> 00:53:27,913
That it takes all of my attention

1223
00:53:27,913 --> 00:53:30,165
away from the stuff we actually should be canceling

1224
00:53:30,373 --> 00:53:33,043
and actually should be upset about.

1225
00:53:33,043 --> 00:53:34,211
And it's so frustrating.

1226
00:53:34,211 --> 00:53:36,296
Like just ... pick and choose, man...

1227
00:53:37,339 --> 00:53:39,758
and stop digging up people's

1228
00:53:39,758 --> 00:53:42,344
old tweets and shit. Straight-up.

1229
00:53:42,344 --> 00:53:45,847
I think it's the most bitchmaid thing, you can possibly do

1230
00:53:46,598 --> 00:53:48,600
because I'm a big believer that

1231
00:53:49,768 --> 00:53:53,104
as times change, people change.
A lot of time for the better.

1232
00:53:53,271 --> 00:53:53,730
Not always.

1233
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:55,941
Obviously there's exceptions, but a lot of the times

1234
00:53:55,941 --> 00:53:58,902
there's so many examples of it in American history, in and of itself.

1235
00:53:58,902 --> 00:54:00,153
You can look at someone like

1236
00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:02,864
Malcolm X.

1237
00:54:02,906 --> 00:54:04,991
Malcolm X spent ten years in prison for robbery

1238
00:54:04,991 --> 00:54:07,452
and larceny, got out, went on to become a civil rights activist.

1239
00:54:07,452 --> 00:54:09,955
That literally changed the fucking world.

1240
00:54:11,373 --> 00:54:14,209
Maya Angelou used to be a prostitute

1241
00:54:14,209 --> 00:54:14,960
Audience member:
Hehe!

1242
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:18,296
went on to be-
what the fuck is so funny about that?

1243
00:54:18,296 --> 00:54:21,466
What white motherfucker in the back...

1244
00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:27,222
Laughing at what I read in February,
huh?

1245
00:54:33,478 --> 00:54:35,981
Oh, he laughed like he hit.

1246
00:54:35,981 --> 00:54:37,190
Like, you know what I mean?

1247
00:54:37,190 --> 00:54:39,693
God damn...

1248
00:54:41,945 --> 00:54:43,905
She was a prostitute.

1249
00:54:43,905 --> 00:54:45,532
She went on to become a poet,

1250
00:54:45,532 --> 00:54:48,076
an author, another civil rights activist that again

1251
00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:51,121
changed the fucking world.

1252
00:54:51,121 --> 00:54:52,872
Chance The Rapper...

1253
00:54:53,081 --> 00:54:55,417
used to make good music.

1254
00:54:56,084 --> 00:54:58,086
As times change, people change, right?

1255
00:54:58,086 --> 00:54:59,713
Not always for the better. I miss Acid Rap.

1256
00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:02,132
That's all I'm saying.

1257
00:55:04,592 --> 00:55:07,595
And the reason I wanted to talk about this is because

1258
00:55:08,888 --> 00:55:11,766
it happened to me ... few years ago.

1259
00:55:11,766 --> 00:55:13,518
Somebody who didn't like me went online

1260
00:55:13,518 --> 00:55:15,103
and they dug up a bunch of tweets of mine

1261
00:55:15,103 --> 00:55:18,690
from when I was 15 years old and when I was 15 years old,

1262
00:55:18,940 --> 00:55:21,943
as I mentioned, I was born and raised in the middle of bumfuck

1263
00:55:22,027 --> 00:55:25,322
nowhere Ohio, like, I didn't know shit about shit.

1264
00:55:25,530 --> 00:55:27,407
I couldn't have been more ignorant.

1265
00:55:27,407 --> 00:55:29,242
And anybody who says they didn't do

1266
00:55:29,242 --> 00:55:32,078
or say some shit when they were 15 years old
that they shouldn't have done

1267
00:55:32,078 --> 00:55:34,164
or don't regret ... is a liar.

1268
00:55:34,205 --> 00:55:36,916
Okay, that's the time in your life you're supposed to make mistakes.

1269
00:55:36,916 --> 00:55:38,668
So you learn from them, you grow from them.

1270
00:55:38,668 --> 00:55:40,045
You don't go on to make those same mistakes

1271
00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:41,379
when you're a responsible adult,

1272
00:55:41,379 --> 00:55:41,921
Yeah?

1273
00:55:42,464 --> 00:55:43,631
So when I was 15 years old,

1274
00:55:43,631 --> 00:55:45,925
I was going back and forth on Twitter with my best friend Brendan.

1275
00:55:46,092 --> 00:55:48,178
Now, Brendan and I have been best friends since preschool.

1276
00:55:48,261 --> 00:55:50,013
Since four years old he's my next door neighbor.

1277
00:55:50,013 --> 00:55:52,098
And Brendan also happened to be black.

1278
00:55:52,098 --> 00:55:53,183
So Brendan and I were going back

1279
00:55:53,183 --> 00:55:55,185
and forth on Twitter one day,
and this is when Twitter was like

1280
00:55:55,185 --> 00:55:57,270
the group chat, you know what I mean?
You were just saying crazy shit in there,

1281
00:55:57,312 --> 00:55:58,563
because it was just y'all!

1282
00:55:58,563 --> 00:56:00,815
You didn't think anybody was going to
care eight years later.

1283
00:56:00,815 --> 00:56:03,735
So we were going back and forth on Twitter
just roasting each other, right?

1284
00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:04,361
He would say somethin.

1285
00:56:04,361 --> 00:56:06,696
I would say somethin.
He would say somethin, I would say somethin.

1286
00:56:06,988 --> 00:56:09,324
And then he said some shit that really had me fucked up

1287
00:56:09,741 --> 00:56:12,369
because when I was 15,

1288
00:56:12,369 --> 00:56:15,163
I also had Ohio teeth.

1289
00:56:15,163 --> 00:56:18,333
Like I had a big gap in the middle, I had little gaps on the side.

1290
00:56:18,333 --> 00:56:20,043
My teeth were fucked up.

1291
00:56:20,043 --> 00:56:21,586
Then Brendan said some shit like,

1292
00:56:21,586 --> 00:56:23,421
you're the only person I know who could eat food

1293
00:56:23,421 --> 00:56:26,883
without opening their mouth.

1294
00:56:27,675 --> 00:56:30,136
And 15-year-old me was shook,

1295
00:56:30,470 --> 00:56:33,973
I was like, God damn, that's, you know,
that's a finisher right there.

1296
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:37,602
So the roast battle was clearly over.

1297
00:56:37,602 --> 00:56:40,522
So I conceded and I have responded back

1298
00:56:40,522 --> 00:56:43,066
with a very famous Chief Keef lyric

1299
00:56:43,066 --> 00:56:46,444
at the time, from the song I Don't Like.

1300
00:56:46,444 --> 00:56:48,571
So the conversation went,

1301
00:56:48,571 --> 00:56:50,281
You're the only person I know who can eat food

1302
00:56:50,281 --> 00:56:51,741
without opening their mouth.

1303
00:56:51,741 --> 00:56:54,869
And I responded, Fuck ... mmm...

1304
00:56:54,869 --> 00:56:57,705
That's that shit I don't like.

1305
00:56:57,705 --> 00:56:59,958
Now, if you're familiar with the song,

1306
00:57:01,084 --> 00:57:03,253
you would know I had tweeted the N-word

1307
00:57:03,628 --> 00:57:08,508
in the song lyrics to my friend, and this was incredibly wrong.

1308
00:57:08,508 --> 00:57:12,011
This was ignorant, naive, and stupid.

1309
00:57:12,011 --> 00:57:14,055
I wish I had never done it.

1310
00:57:14,055 --> 00:57:16,433
And when this resurfaced

1311
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:20,895
people lost their fucking mind, I'm sorry.

1312
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:24,941
White people lost their fucking mind.

1313
00:57:24,941 --> 00:57:26,234
They couldn't believe it.

1314
00:57:26,234 --> 00:57:27,610
They thought I had just gotten away

1315
00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:29,320
with being racist for eight years.

1316
00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:30,905
They were like, WHAT?!

1317
00:57:30,905 --> 00:57:32,449
You can't say that!

1318
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:33,950
You're not black!

1319
00:57:33,950 --> 00:57:36,703
You're not in the car, by yourself!

1320
00:57:38,413 --> 00:57:42,459
Like they had thought I just found a loophole
in racism and squeaked through the cracks.

1321
00:57:42,834 --> 00:57:44,294
And black people couldn't believe...

1322
00:57:44,294 --> 00:57:45,670
that I knew who Chief Keef was.

1323
00:57:45,670 --> 00:57:48,631
That was the biggest uproar amongst the black community.

1324
00:57:48,631 --> 00:57:52,510
They were like, He fucks with Sosa?
I had no idea...

1325
00:57:54,387 --> 00:57:57,348
it was instant outrage amongst the whites,
okay...

1326
00:57:57,849 --> 00:58:02,187
And this was such an uncomfortable situation

1327
00:58:02,187 --> 00:58:04,898
because white people love to be offended...

1328
00:58:05,106 --> 00:58:10,320
for other people. It's our favorite
extracurricular activity to be like,

1329
00:58:10,403 --> 00:58:13,364
Ooooo! Oooo did you...

1330
00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:16,075
Did you see???

1331
00:58:16,117 --> 00:58:19,621
They want you to be upset about stuff
you weren't even initially upset about!

1332
00:58:20,330 --> 00:58:22,207
White people are like PC gladiators, just...

1333
00:58:22,207 --> 00:58:24,542
Are you not outraged!?

1334
00:58:26,503 --> 00:58:28,463
I wasn't...

1335
00:58:28,838 --> 00:58:30,548
Now I am.

1336
00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:33,927
And again, this is a very tough position to be put in because

1337
00:58:35,053 --> 00:58:36,971
white people have

1338
00:58:36,971 --> 00:58:39,891
ruined every excuse in the book

1339
00:58:40,475 --> 00:58:42,727
to get out of being called racists.

1340
00:58:42,727 --> 00:58:44,187
They ruined all of them.

1341
00:58:44,187 --> 00:58:47,023
And fortunately but unfortunately,

1342
00:58:47,690 --> 00:58:49,734
I fit a massive cliché.

1343
00:58:50,860 --> 00:58:52,737
If you or anybody watching

1344
00:58:52,737 --> 00:58:55,740
were to take the slightest glimpse into my life,

1345
00:58:55,740 --> 00:58:58,076
you wouldn't have to look far at all.

1346
00:58:58,743 --> 00:59:01,412
You would see that

1347
00:59:01,412 --> 00:59:05,041
all of my friends are black.

1348
00:59:05,041 --> 00:59:06,751
All of them. There's one...

1349
00:59:06,751 --> 00:59:09,879
There's others!
I swear...

1350
00:59:12,298 --> 00:59:13,174
All of them are black.

1351
00:59:13,174 --> 00:59:15,009
I have one white friend and he's Russian.

1352
00:59:15,009 --> 00:59:16,511
His name is Vladislav

1353
00:59:16,511 --> 00:59:18,763
and I don't know how much y'all know about Russians,

1354
00:59:18,763 --> 00:59:20,598
but they're the black people of white people, okay?

1355
00:59:20,598 --> 00:59:23,935
They're so dope ... So...

1356
00:59:26,229 --> 00:59:27,522
to my naivete,

1357
00:59:27,522 --> 00:59:31,359
I'm trying to state my case to these strangers online

1358
00:59:31,359 --> 00:59:34,112
who don't know who I am or know anything about me,

1359
00:59:34,112 --> 00:59:36,072
because from my perspective, I'm like, No, like, what?

1360
00:59:36,072 --> 00:59:37,448
What are you talking about?

1361
00:59:37,448 --> 00:59:38,157
I'm not racist.

1362
00:59:38,157 --> 00:59:40,785
If you look at the people who I hold closest in my life,

1363
00:59:41,077 --> 00:59:42,412
the people who mean more to me

1364
00:59:42,412 --> 00:59:43,871
than my actual blood family,

1365
00:59:43,871 --> 00:59:46,708
the people I love most and would probably fucking die for.

1366
00:59:47,041 --> 00:59:48,876
You would see that they're black.

1367
00:59:48,876 --> 00:59:51,337
Like what I did was obviously stupid and wrong,

1368
00:59:51,337 --> 00:59:53,381
but I didn't mean anything malicious by it.

1369
00:59:53,756 --> 00:59:56,050
I would never in my fucking life mean anybody

1370
00:59:56,050 --> 00:59:58,970
any hate or harm based on the color of their skin.

1371
00:59:58,970 --> 01:00:00,930
That's outrageous to me.

1372
01:00:00,930 --> 01:00:03,016
And the most frustrating thing about the entire experience

1373
01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:05,560
and arguing with these people online was that

1374
01:00:06,811 --> 01:00:09,188
there's still people who don't believe me.

1375
01:00:09,230 --> 01:00:10,690
There's people right now, I'm sure watching

1376
01:00:10,690 --> 01:00:12,025
being like this is just another white dude

1377
01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:14,652
trying to get out of another sticky situation.

1378
01:00:14,652 --> 01:00:16,779
And I understand that.

1379
01:00:16,779 --> 01:00:19,282
But at the same time,

1380
01:00:19,282 --> 01:00:20,992
I also don't have to convince you

1381
01:00:20,992 --> 01:00:23,453
of a single fucking thing.

1382
01:00:25,121 --> 01:00:25,872
I...

1383
01:00:27,248 --> 01:00:29,000
I know who I am.

1384
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:31,419
I know I'm not racist.

1385
01:00:31,419 --> 01:00:34,505
I know how many times I've jacked off to
Queen Latifah's Beauty Shop.

1386
01:00:37,383 --> 01:00:38,885
Y'all seen it?
Y'all been sleepin' man.

1387
01:00:38,885 --> 01:00:41,346
That shit is a classic.
They so goddamn fine in that movie.

1388
01:00:41,346 --> 01:00:44,766
Ah... woo!

1389
01:00:44,766 --> 01:00:47,352
So...

1390
01:00:47,352 --> 01:00:51,064
this is when the conversation got really interesting

1391
01:00:51,064 --> 01:00:53,691
because the problem shifted subjects

1392
01:00:53,983 --> 01:00:56,903
the issue started with a stupid mistake

1393
01:00:56,903 --> 01:00:59,489
I made when I was 15 years old, and it shifted,

1394
01:00:59,656 --> 01:01:02,325
to white people now being uncomfortable

1395
01:01:02,325 --> 01:01:04,786
with my comfortability, with black people

1396
01:01:05,328 --> 01:01:07,121
like they were very uncomfortable with it.

1397
01:01:07,121 --> 01:01:08,498
They were saying outrageous shit.

1398
01:01:08,498 --> 01:01:12,126
They would be like, Oh, I bet you hang out
with so many black people

1399
01:01:12,251 --> 01:01:15,046
so that you could justify saying racist shit like that

1400
01:01:16,631 --> 01:01:17,632
For real?

1401
01:01:18,466 --> 01:01:20,593
That's how you think racism and discrimination works?

1402
01:01:21,302 --> 01:01:21,761
Alright, bet.

1403
01:01:21,761 --> 01:01:24,514
So if I hate gay people, I'm out here sucking so much dick

1404
01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:29,018
just so I can be like,
Eckh, these homos are disgusting.

1405
01:01:29,018 --> 01:01:30,645
Am I right? Up top!

1406
01:01:30,645 --> 01:01:34,273
Oh my God, that's not how racism

1407
01:01:34,273 --> 01:01:36,734
and discrimination works.

1408
01:01:36,734 --> 01:01:40,697
I wouldn't put myself in that situation, but they kept going.

1409
01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:42,281
They got more and more ignorant.

1410
01:01:42,281 --> 01:01:43,616
They're like, Oh, well,

1411
01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:45,785
why do you hang out with so many black people then, huh?

1412
01:01:45,910 --> 01:01:47,954
What do you want to ... be black?

1413
01:01:47,954 --> 01:01:48,663
Fuckin'...

1414
01:01:49,205 --> 01:01:50,998
A little bit. A little bit.

1415
01:01:50,998 --> 01:01:53,584
It is so much cooler some of the time.

1416
01:01:53,626 --> 01:01:54,711
Okay.

1417
01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:57,088
Every white person wishes they were black a little bit.

1418
01:01:57,088 --> 01:02:00,258
Any white person who says they don't is a fucking liar or a cop.

1419
01:02:00,299 --> 01:02:03,803
Okay? Do not believe that for even a second.

1420
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:05,596
Okay.

1421
01:02:05,596 --> 01:02:07,098
But the silver lining of

1422
01:02:07,098 --> 01:02:09,308
all of this is it made me do so much reflecting

1423
01:02:09,517 --> 01:02:13,229
like things that I had never had to put any thought into

1424
01:02:13,229 --> 01:02:15,314
because they were such first nature to me.

1425
01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:18,401
I actually thought about

1426
01:02:18,401 --> 01:02:20,445
like I had never thought about

1427
01:02:20,445 --> 01:02:22,905
why all of my friends are black.

1428
01:02:22,905 --> 01:02:25,074
I had never thought about why
I'm so comfortable with black people

1429
01:02:25,074 --> 01:02:27,201
or why I appreciate black people so much.

1430
01:02:27,785 --> 01:02:30,121
So I did a lot of self reflecting on it

1431
01:02:30,121 --> 01:02:33,791
and the conclusion I came to is that

1432
01:02:35,376 --> 01:02:38,421
nobody goes through more shit

1433
01:02:39,046 --> 01:02:42,467
and still enjoys life to the fullest

1434
01:02:42,884 --> 01:02:44,886
more than black people.

1435
01:02:44,886 --> 01:02:45,970
Nobody.

1436
01:02:45,970 --> 01:02:48,139
It's so impressive to me

1437
01:02:48,222 --> 01:02:50,558
and it's such a beautiful way to live your life

1438
01:02:50,558 --> 01:02:52,185
because everybody's going to go through shit.

1439
01:02:52,185 --> 01:02:55,563
But not everybody can bounce back
and still enjoy shit to the fullest.

1440
01:02:55,563 --> 01:02:57,732
And I think it's an absolutely
incredible way to live.

1441
01:02:58,357 --> 01:02:59,817
This is going to seem so dramatic,

1442
01:02:59,817 --> 01:03:02,403
but I need you guys to take it into consideration.

1443
01:03:02,403 --> 01:03:05,364
Do you have any idea

1444
01:03:05,364 --> 01:03:08,201
what it takes to have this country literally

1445
01:03:08,201 --> 01:03:11,788
built on your fucking back ... to this day

1446
01:03:11,788 --> 01:03:15,458
still have to fight to be treated like a decent human being

1447
01:03:15,875 --> 01:03:18,085
and still have time

1448
01:03:18,085 --> 01:03:23,216
to write a better version of the Happy Birthday song?

1449
01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:26,260
Have you all heard it? That shit's incredible.

1450
01:03:26,260 --> 01:03:27,470
They got a Drake verse on there.

1451
01:03:27,470 --> 01:03:28,554
It's incredible.

1452
01:03:28,554 --> 01:03:29,889
Step your shit up, white people.

1453
01:03:29,889 --> 01:03:31,849
You had such a head start.

1454
01:03:34,602 --> 01:03:36,145
It's absolutely amazing

1455
01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:39,565
At its simplest form,

1456
01:03:39,565 --> 01:03:42,026
it just comes down to common interest
and common opinion.

1457
01:03:42,693 --> 01:03:45,071
The people who you have in common

1458
01:03:45,071 --> 01:03:48,199
interests and opinion, those are the people
you surround yourself with.

1459
01:03:48,199 --> 01:03:49,242
Those are your real friends.

1460
01:03:49,242 --> 01:03:50,910
Those are your real family.

1461
01:03:50,910 --> 01:03:52,620
The world should not be split into like,

1462
01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:54,747
Oh, white people do this, black people do this.

1463
01:03:54,747 --> 01:03:56,374
If you tryin' to do something that another culture does

1464
01:03:56,374 --> 01:03:58,000
you're tryin' to do something that you're not, like,

1465
01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:00,878
that divides us, that does not bring us together.

1466
01:04:00,878 --> 01:04:03,130
And it doesn't even need to be so cut and dry.

1467
01:04:03,130 --> 01:04:05,174
It goes to all aspects of life.

1468
01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:06,551
Comedy is like that.

1469
01:04:06,551 --> 01:04:09,387
I'm supposed to come up here, say some relatable shit.

1470
01:04:09,387 --> 01:04:11,347
That y'all have probably kind of already thought about.

1471
01:04:11,347 --> 01:04:11,973
We make it funny.

1472
01:04:11,973 --> 01:04:13,850
Now we have that bond together, right?

1473
01:04:13,850 --> 01:04:15,017
But there's still that judgment.

1474
01:04:15,017 --> 01:04:16,936
Until we have that bond,

1475
01:04:16,936 --> 01:04:20,231
like every time I walk on stage,
every dude watchin' is like, hmm-mmm,

1476
01:04:21,566 --> 01:04:22,233
Absolutely not.

1477
01:04:22,233 --> 01:04:23,609
I ain't got nothing in common with this dude.

1478
01:04:23,609 --> 01:04:25,152
He got bangs.

1479
01:04:25,945 --> 01:04:27,071
I'm not going to think he's funny,

1480
01:04:27,071 --> 01:04:30,950
but as soon as I come up here and say
some relatable shit that we can agree, like...

1481
01:04:31,325 --> 01:04:33,578
Who in here like big titties?!

1482
01:04:33,578 --> 01:04:36,455
All those dudes are like, Well, let's give him a chance. See...

1483
01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:39,625
See what these titties are talkin' about...

1484
01:04:40,960 --> 01:04:42,712
Cuz we're not that fuckin' different, man.

1485
01:04:42,712 --> 01:04:44,463
Stop dividing people

1486
01:04:44,463 --> 01:04:47,717
just because you're uneducated or inexperienced, okay?

1487
01:04:47,967 --> 01:04:49,969
That's why you're uncomfortable.

1488
01:04:49,969 --> 01:04:52,680
That's why you come across as so fucking corny.

1489
01:04:52,805 --> 01:04:54,724
And that's why you're not invited

1490
01:04:54,724 --> 01:04:56,559
to the cookout.

1491
01:05:01,606 --> 01:05:04,317
I'll bring the potato salad!

1492
01:05:04,317 --> 01:05:05,276
Nooo I'm just kidding. I'll...

1493
01:05:05,276 --> 01:05:06,736
I'll bring chairs.

1494
01:05:06,736 --> 01:05:07,904
It's okay.

1495
01:05:07,904 --> 01:05:08,821
Thank you guys so much.

1496
01:05:08,821 --> 01:05:10,531
My name is Matt Rife.

1497
01:05:10,531 --> 01:05:12,450
Thank you so much you guys.

1498
01:05:12,450 --> 01:05:14,201
You guys are fantastic.

1499
01:05:14,201 --> 01:05:16,704
Get home safe, please.

1500
01:05:22,126 --> 01:05:24,545
Vic Mensa "Rage":
♪ I want you to blaze into the light

1501
01:05:24,545 --> 01:05:27,006
Before your final flight

1502
01:05:27,673 --> 01:05:30,217
But boy, you're fine, you're fine

1503
01:05:30,927 --> 01:05:33,763
I want you to rage into the night

1504
01:05:34,096 --> 01:05:37,433
I want you to know, you know you're right

1505
01:05:37,433 --> 01:05:40,269
before your final flight

1506
01:05:40,269 --> 01:05:41,520
racing

1507
01:05:41,896 --> 01:05:47,109
racing, red eyes are burning rogue ♪♪

1508
01:05:47,109 --> 01:05:51,155
Paul Elia:
And so how do you feel now that you've
self-produced your first standup special?

1509
01:05:52,031 --> 01:05:54,617
So I would say this is one that,
uh this sounds so depressing.

1510
01:05:54,617 --> 01:05:56,786
It's one of the few things in my career I'm proud of.

1511
01:05:57,995 --> 01:05:59,747
Wasn't TRL

1512
01:06:00,498 --> 01:06:02,625
wasn't The Challenge.

1513
01:06:03,125 --> 01:06:04,335
Wild 'n Out didn't cut it.

1514
01:06:04,335 --> 01:06:07,630
Sorry Black Coalition, but I had a terrible time.

1515
01:06:08,714 --> 01:06:11,550
I'm happy for everybody

1516
01:06:11,550 --> 01:06:13,844
who made it happen

1517
01:06:14,512 --> 01:06:18,474
because we did this with fucking no budget at all.

1518
01:06:18,474 --> 01:06:19,850
The camera crew that's around

1519
01:06:19,850 --> 01:06:22,728
you guys are so fucking talented to work on jobs

1520
01:06:22,728 --> 01:06:24,772
that I will probably never book in my life.

1521
01:06:25,189 --> 01:06:26,691
So the fact that they were friends of mine

1522
01:06:26,691 --> 01:06:30,361
that wanted to help out with this, the

1523
01:06:31,821 --> 01:06:34,573
the sound team, the set design,

1524
01:06:34,573 --> 01:06:37,326
like we did all of this shit, there was no like official

1525
01:06:37,326 --> 01:06:40,329
production team involved in it.

1526
01:06:40,329 --> 01:06:42,331
Movie magic, you guys this is how it-

1527
01:06:42,373 --> 01:06:45,543
You guys should see porn sets.

1528
01:06:45,751 --> 01:06:48,379
Erik Griffin:
Give it up for Matt Rife!