♪ cheery festive music playing ♪
NARRATOR: 'Twas the night before Christmas,
and I've got a tale to tell.
In the very near future, things have all gone to hell.
In 2027, it was made illegal to take drugs or to drink.
A puff, sniff, or sip will land you straight in the clink.
Except for one night, The Binge, as it's known,
where it's perfectly legal to get drunk, high, or stoned.
But something else happened that no one could anticipate.
Spending Christmas with family sober would make you irate.
So this year they did what you wouldn't believe.
They brilliantly moved The Binge to Christmas Eve.
So grab some mistletoe, kids, and prepare to get hyped.
A Merry Bingemas to all,
and may you all suck it down pipe!
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our holiday blowout!
You know our motto,
"When you've literally got nowhere else to go, come here!"
♪ Chester ♪ [kids cheering]
♪ Chip Chester ♪
♪ Clap, clap, clap clap, clap your hands ♪
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ Now dr-dr-dr-drop it low ♪
♪ intense electronic dance music playing ♪
♪ Throw your hands in the air ♪
♪ Chip Chester ♪
♪ And drop your hands to the beat ♪
♪ Chip Chester ♪
♪ Drop your hands, motherfucker ♪
♪ Motherfucker ♪
♪ Drop your motherfuckin' hands ♪
[kids cheering]
♪ Chip Chester ♪
♪ Drop your hands, motherfuckers ♪
♪ Chip Chester ♪
[music stops]
[mic feedback whines] [kids gasping]
♪ suspenseful music playing ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ee-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ee-ooh ♪
- He's a fake!
[kids screaming]
♪ Drop your hands ♪
[slow-motion voice yelling]
♪ Drop your hands to the beat ♪
[slow-motion scream echoing]
♪ triumphant music playing ♪
- Oh, y'all are in trouble now.
- Merry Christmas, motherfuckers.
[people gasping]
[slow-motion scream echoing]
♪ Joy to the world, the Lord has come ♪
♪ Let earth ♪
♪ Receive... ♪
♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ The Lord has come ♪
- ♪ Ooh, we're gonna get high Gonna get baked ♪
♪ Till every inch of us just aches ♪
♪ Gonna do lines, gonna pop tabs ♪
♪ Ingest everything we grab ♪
♪ Have some 'shrooms... ♪
- I can't believe they fired us on Christmas.
- Fired? [scoffs] They weren't paying me.
- What?
- Yeah. I never actually worked there.
You know, I just showed up whenever you had a shift.
Nobody really ever said anything.
- Andrew, I've been meaning to tell you something.
- Oh, look, they're selling those Special Binge Advent calendars!
I heard they have this explosive ketamine
that makes you Freaky Friday with whoever you're with.
Full body swap!
- Andrew, I'm not binging tonight.
- We don't have to Freaky Friday if you don't want,
but come on, man, we gotta binge!
- I know, bro, but can you keep something between you and me?
- Absolutely.
- I'm proposing.
- What? Really? - Sarah's the love of my life.
And I'm going over to her dad's house today
to ask him for permission.
- [loudly] My boy's getting married!
- Shh. Andrew. Keep that on the low, all right?
- Sorry. I just can't contain myself.
- [whispers] I'm getting married. - [whispers] Getting married.
- I'm getting married. - Look at you, man.
My sweet baby boy, all grown up!
- By the way, you and Kimmi are next.
Okay.
- ♪ 'Cause the only thing that matters ♪
♪ Is we get so fucking high ♪
♪ I'm gonna get so fucking high ♪
WOMAN: And so another Christmas comes to pass
and we all snuggle around the fire with our loved ones.
May our smiles be wide, and our hearts be full,
and our mi-- [glass shatters]
My God!
- Sorry, Mayor. I was saving it for The Binge later.
It slipped outta my pocket.
- Come here. - Okay.
MAYOR SPENGLER: Stop the work, please.
[loudly] Hold the work, please!
I must be confused.
By my calculations, The Binge doesn't start for seven hours.
You do understand that the punishment for having an open bottle
before The Binge begins is up to 25 years in prison, yes?
- Ma'am, please.
I have a family.
MAYOR SPENGLER: Mm-hmm.
- And it's Christmas.
- See what else he has.
- My pleasure.
- Ouch. - Drugs.
- Will you looky there?
This is my town, and I am not going to stand by
and let a time-honored event like Winter Wonderland be destroyed
because you all wanna do a bunch of slamballs
out of Frosty's hole!
- Frosty's hole?
- F-F-F-F-F-Frosty's hole? Did I stutter?
- Just now when you were mocking me or previously?
- Shoot that man. In his face.
GUARD: I can't do that.
- Two in the kneecaps then. Make it quick.
GUARD: They don't even give me a gun.
MAYOR SPENGLER: Oh, my God!
You're making me feel like maybe I'm the crazy one!
Arrest him!
- You're under arrest.
- Your mom is truly terrifying.
- Yeah, she's in the middle of a nervous breakdown or something.
- Does anybody else wanna binge?
- Where are we binging tonight? Chili's? Whackadoodles?
I heard Bed, Bath & Beyond is doing something in the Beyond area.
- Aren't we past all that binge stuff?
It's a little immature.
Can-- Can you follow the snow path?
It's a-- It's a valley. It has-- It has to flow a certain way.
- Are you serious right now?
- Anyway, I kinda have to be here to help my mom.
SARAH: What is she doing with that owl?
KIMMI: [scoffs] She wants it to be like a Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil thing
that brings people into town.
- I hate that so much.
- It's me and you, kid, bringing back Christmas.
SEB: Can't binge on an empty stomach.
Let's plop something on.
DAKOTA: I'm not doing that. SEB: Just plop it.
DAKOTA: Stop telling me to plop it.
SEB: Plop it.
ANDREW: Hey, hey! - What up, bro?
- Merry Christmas. SEB: Merry Christmas, bro.
ANDREW: I got you something, man.
- What's that? Is that for me?
ANDREW: That's for you, man. - Get the fuck outta here!
- [chuckles] Put it on. Put it on.
SEB: "Best Brother Ever!"
- Hey, Dakota, this is for you.
There was a two-fer.
- I hate you so much.
SEB: Babe, we talked about this.
What did we say about being nicer to my brother?
DAKOTA: I can't! Look at him.
Look at all that up there.
And all that in the middle part.
- My face and my body? DAKOTA: Yeah.
- Just be nice to him. - No.
- [gasps] I thought I heard someone come in,
and you must be Andrew.
- Wait, who the fuck is this?
- Andrew, I'm Craig, your mom's new lover.
- You're... banging my mom?
- Your mother and I are intimate together, yes.
And we have a very special relationship.
And, Andrew, I don't think you should be threatened at all by me
or my relationship with your mother.
ANDREW: Are you kidding me with this fucking guy?
What the hell is going on?
- I am so excited to be spending the holiday
with you and your family.
- Get the fuck outta here!
- [giggles] I love a family that goofs around.
I'm into it. [continues giggling]
- I'm not so sure you're gonna like Christmas with us.
[smoke alarm beeping] - [yelling] Can you guys shut the fuck up, please?
Andrew, what the hell took you so long to get home?
- [yelling] I was getting presents, Mom! What the fuck?
- The only present I ever got was the human papillomavirus
from a retired jockey in Ronkonkoma!
- Nobody wants to hear your fucking stories!
- Actually, I kind of do.
- Will you shut the fuck up, Craig?
- Don't you tell my Craig to shut up!
- I will burn this house to the ground and make it look like a fucking accident!
- You're upsetting Craig with all the yelling!
He is a very sensitive man!
- I apologize. I apologize all around.
- Don't apologize! How many times have I told you?
- I'm not sorry for anything.
- You're not sorry? - You're not sorry for anything?
Are you fucking kidding me? Are you crazy?
- What kind of person are you?
- I'm indifferent. I'm just Indifferent Craig.
- Indifferent Craig, fix this!
- Oh, I'll put a cinnamon glaze on it.
♪ Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major playing ♪
- Mr. Martin! Good to see you, sir.
- Nice of you to dress up, Hags.
- Uh, w-- what are you working on?
- Ah, it's a little thing I've been working on for the past two years.
- Wow, sir! You have quite the talent.
- Yeah.
- I mean, this is basically a flawless gingerbread man.
- It's a self-portrait. - Really?
What an amazing piece. - Thank you.
- Next up, can you sculpt me like one of your French girls?
You know, like in Titanic.
- The shipwreck in 1912 that killed 1,500 innocent people?
That Titanic?
- I meant the movie.
- You know as well as I do, movies are just pictures with sound.
- Uh, well, I'm happy you're out here
'cause I wanted to talk to you about something.
You know, um, Sarah and I have been dating each other
for about three and a half years now. - You're a good kid, Hags.
I know it's been hard holding off being intimate with my daughter.
- Yeah, right. [laughs]
Yeah, right!
Yeah-- Yeah, we're waiting until marriage.
We might even wait a couple years after marriage.
We could just love each other from a distance.
But since you brought up marriage though,
uh, I wanted to ask you, Mr. Martin--
- Oh, no, please. Mr. Martin was my father.
I'm Dr. Martin.
One of the first things I learned in medical school
is how to cut through the bone cleanly and swiftly.
- You're a foot doctor.
- Feet have bones, Hags!
That's the second thing I learned in medical school.
Let me show you. [chainsaw buzzing]
- Please don't.
- Hags hasn't been Hags lately.
He's been acting, like, super weird.
Has Andrew said anything about him?
- Andrew and I had a conscious uncoupling.
- How is this the first time I'm hearing about this?
- Well, we haven't really talked since I've been away at college.
And to be honest, as insufferable as my mom is,
she did offer to give me a job.
And she thinks that Andrew could ruin her image,
mainly his two dads.
- So what? Literally, everyone's parents are gay now.
If anything, I think that'll help her win the election.
- No, like, he literally has two dads.
He's a twin from two separate fathers.
It's-- It's actually pretty common.
His mom had sex with two men in a short window of time
who got her pregnant at the same time.
Like a Rube Goldberg system of having sex...
- Gross. - ...where the egg gets knocked into one or another,
and then you get two for the price of one, even if...
HECTOR: Eyyy! Is that Andrew I hear?
Merry Christmas, son.
- Merry Christmas, Dad.
[speaking Spanish]
- Dad? Did someone say my name?
- No, nobody said your name.
- If I remember correctly, it's almost time for me and your brother
to make you eat all the tinsel off the Christmas tree.
ANDREW: I-- I haven't--
I haven't eaten all the tinsel from the Christmas tree in-- in years.
- Well, I think it's always sad to see a tradition die.
But The Binge starts in two hours,
and I'm gonna get ass up on this motherfuckin' dale, dale!
[laughs] Whipping up a batch of my world-famous nog.
[Andrew retching]
Hopefully, Hector doesn't puke on the pussycat again.
- You know that cat ran away.
- See what you did, Hector?
- You know I have a lactose intolerance, Rigo.
- Oh, yeah. Hector, that excuse ain't gonna fly on The Binge.
Tonight, all the rules are out the window!
- That's not really how irritable bowel syndrome works.
- Well, then I guess you're gonna shit your pants at the dinner table.
- I guess I am.
- Oh. My. God.
- Kimberly! Kimberly, come. Hurry up.
Okay, ladies. Ears open, mouths closed, eyes wide.
- What should we do with our noses?
- Flared and proud, Sarah.
[owl hooting] - That owl is freaking me out.
What does an owl even have to do with Christmas anyway?
- I've got a hunch a similar thing was said about bunnies and Easter,
but we all collectively seem to have moved past it.
Have we not?
- I guess. - You guessed right!
And do not play games with me, not tonight,
because I am not Hasbro, and this ain't Monopoly.
You will be Sorry and in Trouble
if you mess with my Operation.
- [softly] She loves board games.
It's, like, her only frame of reference. - I'm getting that.
- Girls, it is only one short month away from the election,
and we need to remind this town of who they are.
Our brand is family values.
Now I've already confiscated drugs from the disgusting help that works here.
And Channel 7 will be doing a redemption piece on me.
The Mayor who defied all odds.
The Mayor who brought down The Binge,
and brought Christmas and tourism back
with the magical help of the Christmas Owl.
[cage clatters] [people clamoring]
Shh, shh, shh, shh! Nobody move. Nobody move.
If I call it, it will come to me.
[rolls tongue]
[owl screeches] [people screaming]
Someone get it! Get the owl! - I'm not getting him!
He looked at me like he had something to prove.
- Shoot this man!
- Again, I-- I can't.
[owl screeches] [people screaming]
[owl screeching]
[people clamoring]
- Shit! Kimmi. - Yes.
- You have your first task as not my daughter
but as my employee.
I need that owl back
'cause it really is the cornerstone of this entire event.
Do you understand?
[growling] Go get me my Christmas Owl!
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
- Indoor hot tub, Hags. Just had it installed.
It's absolutely crucial
when the body temperature drops under 32 like yours did.
- Um, whose bathing suit am I in?
- I popped you into one of mine.
- So, uh, you wanna turn on the bubbles or nothing?
- No, no. I like to be able to see right through to the bottom.
Too many mysteries in those bubbles.
So I think you were gonna ask me if you could marry my daughter.
- Yes! No, that's exactly right!
I mean, if-- if I have your blessing, if that's all right with you.
And her. Is she okay?
- Yeah. That's Grandma Ray. She has nocturnal lagophthalmos.
She sleeps with her eyes open. She always has.
[Grandma Ray snoring]
- Right.
- You know, Sarah's all I got.
I was adopted just like her, and my mother before me.
It's part of our family ethos
to bring together love from all different walks of life.
And that all culminates on Christmas.
- Man, that is beautiful.
[Grandma Ray yells]
- Night terrors. Just ignore it, she's fine.
[Grandma Ray yells, snores]
- Okay.
I-- I mean, sir, you know, Sarah and I are really just--
[Grandma Ray groans]
- Don't stare at her, please.
[Grandma Ray yells]
- Sir, if she's asleep, how will she know?
- Do you wanna marry Sarah,
or do you want to talk about Grandma Ray?
- That's exactly-- I would love to marry your daughter.
- Mm-hmm.
- I know Sarah and I are both a little stuck in our ways,
but I-- I-- I'm starting to notice our friends move on
to the next phases of their lives,
and... I think we're ready to do that too.
Uh-- You know what? No.
I know we are.
♪ soft poignant music playing ♪ [chuckles]
- [loudly] Mom, wake up!
I think it's time to tell him the story of the family ring.
GRANDMA RAY: Yes.
♪ soft ethereal music playing ♪
A jeweled kaleidoscope of different eras, cultures, and love sagas,
originally etched by my great-great-grandfather
who was the bastard child of a wild-eyed blacksmith
and a legless courtesan during the Ottoman Empire.
Formed from the hottest lava in the hills of Ganesh.
There was a tradition that every time the ring was passed down,
a stone would be added.
Well, she eventually added a ruby
and passed it down to her daughter, my great-grandmother,
who was the first woman soldier to fight in the Zaraniq Rebellion.
The ring was quickly lost in a hail of gunpowder and smoke.
She buried the ring in her baby daughter's blanket
and ran back into the war zone, ready to die!
- This is important. Don't miss this next five minutes.
- That baby was raised by zebras in what was then British East Africa
and grew up to be my grandmother
who was eventually adopted by a nice East Coast family.
Thus began the long line of adoptions.
Well, she went on to marry a longshoreman in Northern New Jersey
with gout of the hands.
Fearful that the ring will be taken from her,
she hid it in the body of a six-foot rainbow trout
that her husband had brought home the morning before he went missing.
That ring stayed in the carcass of that frozen fish for nearly four years,
and now, I bestow it to you.
The legend-- unbelievable.
The smell-- intolerable.
And now it's yours to make your own story with.
Here, catch.
[ring plunks]
- Uh-oh.
Right there.
- Got it. - Good.
- Yeah, I see why you keep the bubbles off now.
- Now you're starting to get it, Hags.
- Yes, sir.
You know, that was an amazing story--
- Uh... don't even bother. She's conked out.
[Grandma Ray coos]
Welcome to the family, son.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
SARAH: Ew!
What the fuck is happening here?
Why are you guys in the hot tub?
- Um, Sarah, I can explain.
I'm just bonding time--
- Hags, keep your voice down. My grandma's sleeping.
- Okay, babe, can you just grab me a towel?
- No! Don't waste the towel.
Wipe yourself off on the carpet.
That's what it's there for.
- Do not roll around on my carpet.
- This is my house. Roll around on the carpet, please.
- Stop carpet drying!
SARAH'S DAD: Roll around. Do it!
[Grandma Ray yells]
♪ "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" playing ♪
♪ Jolly old St. Nicholas, lean your ear this way... ♪
- Merry Christmas, everybody!
Hey, kids! Merry Christmas!
♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon... ♪
[owl screeches]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
Oh, fuck! Motherfucking owl! [screams]
[thuds] [all screaming]
Ooh! [gasps]
- Hey, Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas.
- Uh, yeah, good to see ya. Ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Uncle Kris? What are you doing here?
UNCLE KRIS: Hey, Kimmi!
I'm here to restore the magic of Christmas.
- I actually go by Kimberly now.
- Oh. Yeah, of course. So mature.
Man, so much has changed since I've been in the North Pole.
- You mean state prison?
- Well, it-- it is 30 miles north of here.
- Are you okay?
- Are you kidding? It's Christmas Eve!
I'm better than ever!
But my legs are starting to get kinda tingly.
Oh, just, ooh! [bones crunching]
[all screaming]
- Oh, wow! Okay! Wow!
- You spend a lot of time on black ice, climbing roofs,
trying to put presents in a chimney,
yeah, you learn a little bit about pain, you know?
- Yeah. Un-- Uncle Kris, can I ask you a serious question?
And can you be 100% honest with me?
- Of course. Absolutely.
- Did you break out of jail and steal that squad car?
UNCLE KRIS: No, that's my Uber.
Yeah, you got five stars, Rick!
All right, yeah, I stole the car, okay?
But it doesn't matter because The Binge is on,
and everyone's excited about Christmas again!
- Uncle Kris, I really think I should take you back to jail.
You're gonna be in so much trouble, and-- and my mom is gonna kill us.
- I'll go back to jail in the morning, I promise.
But tonight, it's about family, all right?
And now we gotta fix this old leg of mine.
All right? I need your help, okay? KIMMI: Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah, just treat it like a gear shift.
Like a Miata.
All right, go for it. [bones crunching]
[people screaming]
[grunting] Is there an old brick lying around?
I'll smash it into place on my own.
You don't have to do anything.
Hey, child, what do you want under the tree this Christmas?
[bones crunch] [all screaming]
NEWS ANCHOR: Ho-ho-ho, indeed!
We are reporting live from outside of Winter Wonderland
which is set to open in just a few hours.
The trains are running, children are playing,
but terror lurks.
That's right, the reports of owl attacks have been on the rise.
Many are blaming Mayor Spengler
for releasing a bloodthirsty owl into town.
Residents, we are advising all of you to duck and take cover
if you hear any sort of odd rustling sounds.
And pet owners, make sure to lock away any scoopable pets.
It's for their safety and yours.
- This thing is amazing!
You open the first box when The Binge starts
and then one every hour till it's over.
We're gonna be so fucked.
- So, babe, what are you thinking I should wear for dinner tonight?
Should I do a traditional button-down
or... wait a minute,
something a bit more flashy?
- Who cares? You don't see me stressing about my wardrobe.
- Well, that's 'cause you'll look stunning in anything you decide to wear.
- All right, what the hell is wrong with you?
- Huh? - Everyone is acting so bizarre.
You're planning your Christmas outfits.
My dad's tubbing with you.
Kimmi gets back home from college and wants to be called Kimberly.
- Well, you know, maybe we're all just growing up.
- Oh, I know what you're doing. - You do?
- I actually have a little Christmas surprise for you.
I was gonna wait till later tonight, but--
- Oh, babe! Thank you!
I can't wait-- Oh! Oh, look at this!
This is...
What is this?
- It's a sex vest. It's called the Titilator.
You said you wanted to spice things up.
- When did I say that?
I like the current spice level of our relationship.
- Well I paid $3.99 for the app, so put it on.
- App?
Woo! [quivering, moaning]
- Hey, guys, it's almost time to binge.
Let's have a toast.
Toast to purity, respect, and honesty,
the most important things in the world.
- Dad, go away!
- No, see, we should really stop. What if he hears us?
- He won't hear anything. I'll just put on some fuck music.
- What kind of music?
SARAH: Alexa, play fuck music.
HAGS: Why are you saying that so loud?
ALEXA: Now playing Sarah's fuck music playlist.
- Hmph. I'm glad to see funk is making a comeback with the kids.
- Since when are you so worried about my dad?
He's not gonna come in.
- Do you want me to come in?
- No! - No!
Alexa, turn up the Titilator to level seven.
ALEXA: Titilator, level seven.
- [voice shaking] Okay, Alexa, stop. This is bad.
Oh-oh-oh-oh, this is bad.
ALEXA: Calling Dad.
HAGS: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
- Sarah, what are those haunted noises?
Are you guys playing with the Ouija board again?
- Sarah, Sarah, please.
I can't take anymore, and your dad's outside.
And what if Santa flies by and he sees my penis?
- You're saying you don't wanna have sex with me
because you're afraid that Santa Claus will fly by the window in the daytime
and see your penis?
- Yes?
- Eight. - No.
- Nine. - Why you counting?
- Ten. [Hags quivering, moaning]
[bells tolling]
♪ Joy to the world, The Binge has come ♪
♪ There's beer, there's wine, there's drugs ♪
♪ There's lots of drugs ♪
NARRATOR: As the clock struck six, The Binge began anew,
and the hearts of all families and children grew.
And although it may seem like a good idea to imbibe,
we may soon see the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
RIGO: [chanting] Dale! Dale! Dale! Dale!
- That's my girl. - All right. Okay.
Now let's all go around the table
and say one thing we are thankful for this year.
- Isn't that like a Thanksgiving?
- Callate! - Okay.
- I just wanna say, I am thankful for getting the chance to love again.
After Nana passed away, I sort of--
- No one cares about you, Craig.
- [yelling] Don't you talk to Craig like that!
- Hey, hey, hey! On Thanksgiving, I talk to whoever I want,
however I want, okay?
- I gotta say, I'm thankful for this frothy-ass eggnog.
Best batch yet, Pop.
- Which brings me to my next point.
Andy, I hate to break it to you, kid,
but the proof is in the piss.
I ain't your dad, son.
- Rigo, don't start with this shit again!
- Nah, nah, nah. I'm gonna start it.
I paid child support for 18 years, and I want my money back.
[speaking Spanish]
Hector's obviously his father, two sad sacks that are afraid of milk.
- We're not afraid of milk. Our bodies reject it.
- No, you're afraid. You're afrai-- You're-- You're afraid!
- Bro, just drink the eggnog. You're ruining Christmas again.
ANDREW: I get diarrhea.
- Diarrhea is just weakness leaving the body.
- Dale! Tomar!
- Drink the goddamn eggnog! - Tomar! Tomar!
- Okay, okay. - I'll do it too.
RIGO: Tomar!
- Just all the way.
- All right, all right. Shut your top and bottom holes and let's say grace.
- Grace, my favorite part of Christmas dinner.
- Dear Lord, we thank you for this food.
Often we forget about the unadulterated violence
and corruption in the pig industry!
- Oh, may I be excused? - During grace?
- Just let him go, please.
- You think you can come into this house once a year
and tell me how to raise my kid?
- He's my kid too!
- Ah-ha! It is his!
I just want my money back. I wanna invest in stocks.
- What do you know about stocks?
- I know I need to put every dime I have into Titcoin.
- [yelling] What the fuck is Titcoin?
- Universal cryptocurrency used among strip clubs worldwide,
and I'm getting in on the ground floor, baby!
- For fuck's sake.
- Andy, spit in this vial.
I'm gonna take your ass to the Maury Show.
- No. - Yes.
[chanting "Maury"]
- [yelling] Can't we have one Christmas where we don't mention Maury?
- [yelling] No!
- Is this still grace?
ANDREW: May I please be excused?
- You don't wanna spit in that thing, that's fine.
Stab him in the leg. We bring his blood to Maury.
Dakota, stab him. - No.
[Andrew screaming]
- Dakota, goddamn it! ANDREW: [in a high pitch] Oh, my God!
- Stop it! Just stop it!
I can't take it anymore!
What kind of family is this?
I mean, two dads competing against other?
Force feeding a lactose-intolerant boy?
And-- And-- And Maury? And Titcoin?
Deidre, I love you, but this is not how people should act.
Now let's all just remember why we are here.
Family.
♪ rousing music playing ♪
- Shut the fuck up! - Get the fuck outta here!
[overlapping shouting] - Family.
- Get outta this fucking house!
[shouting continues] [Rigo cackles]
[all speaking indistinctly]
- Andrew, you just made the love of my life leave!
- I made him leave?
- Are you happy? You ruined the holidays again.
- The world would've been a better place if you had never been born!
RIGO: Amen, beautifully said.
Now let's eat.
SARAH'S DAD: I was thinking after dinner, we could all maybe pop into the hot tub.
SARAH: No one wants to go in the indoor tub with you.
He makes everyone carpet dry. It's gross.
SARAH'S DAD: I just want us to take it easy this year at Binge.
I don't want us to be like the Smiths across the street, okay?
Sarah, did you not just hear me?
- Fourteen centuries of tradition!
A priceless ring etched in lava!
[Grandma Ray yells]
- Did someone say ugly sweater party?
- Hags, I got you that sweater for your birthday.
It was not meant to be worn for ugly party purposes.
- Oh! Girl, I know that.
- Take it off. - What now?
- Take it off if you think it's so ugly!
- I-- I don't think I should.
- My family's waiting!
I'm sorry. HAGS: All right.
[gasps] - Wow.
SARAH: What?
Put the sweater back on, Hags, and sit down.
HAGS: Sorry, I'm tardy.
Leather vest, it's just an inside joke we have.
Isn't that right, honey? SARAH'S DAD: Oh, really?
- [softly] Vest got stuck.
- Why is that funny?
- Oh, I don't think you'd find it funny, sir.
- I have a sense of humor. What's the joke?
- Um, well, you know, so many animals had to die
in order to make something leather like this,
and it's just so sad.
SARAH'S DAD: Okay, sad is funny.
I mean, structurally it works,
but the punchline is ambiguous at the very best.
Fern, Ron, do you find it funny?
- Not funny. [kids laughing]
- Well, okay, I see the kids get it.
That must be a generational thing.
- No, Hags, they're simply sensing the tension in the room
and laughing out of discomfort.
[Grandma Ray laughs, snores]
FERN: Grandma's just sleepwalking.
- I still don't know when that's happening.
[Grandma Ray yelling]
- Don't be scared, kids. She has a sonar now, remember?
[Grandma Ray continues yelling] Just like the bats.
- Just like the bats.
[doorbell rings]
- Ooh. Speaking of bat, I hope that's not Batman.
[all laughing]
- Now that's what a joke looks like. You can study from him.
RON: So, Hags, circling back here. - Sir.
- The joke was that many animals had to die to make that leather vest?
[phone ringing] - Uh, sorry, just getting a--
SARAH: That's inappropriate at the dinner table.
Why don't you go outside and answer the phone?
[Fern scoffs]
- Andrew, bad timing, man.
I just put Sarah's ring under the tree and--
- Where are you, man? I need you.
My whole family was yelling.
There was this butter knife incident going on.
- Andrew, I'm dealing with my own-- Shiiit.
- Hags? Hags!
[line disconnects]
I have no one.
[ship horn blares in distance]
They were right.
They were all right.
[screaming] I wish I was never born!
What the fuck is that?
My God, that thing's moving at super speed.
No, no. That's not from this world.
That thing's haunted.
Oh, my God, it's coming right at me!
[breathes sharply]
Oh, come on! Come on!
Do it, you son of a--
[talons slicing]
♪ operatic aria playing ♪
HAGS: Grandma Ray, are you okay?
Grandma, if you're sleeping, I-- I-- I really need you to wake up.
- Ah! - Jesus!
- Ah, this party's fuckin' dead.
You should've seen the shit we were into back in the '60s, huh?
The slop-house '60s, we called them. Ah.
HAGS: I never heard anyone call them that.
Hey, Grandma, you have a heart condition, all right?
You can't be doing this.
- Eh-- Eh-- Eh-- Eh! You gotta get in there.
- Oh. No, no, no, no, no.
Everybody's out there and I just can't, you know--
- Did everybody give you their wedding ring or did I, huh?
Don't make me regret this, Hanes.
- Hags. - You wish.
I feel like I'm 76 again.
Ah, the slop-house '70s, that's what they called 'em.
Here, you better party with me or I'm gonna take my ring back, yeah?
- Just a baby bump, okay? - Okay.
- And then we go back inside.
- Ooh-- Yeah, yeah. A big fat baby.
- And then we go back inside, all right?
- Big fat baby. - Okay.
- Get in there. Don't be a pussy.
[Hags snorts, coughs]
- Wah! [laughs]
- Hey, did I ever tell you the story about how I got my wedding ring?
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[gasps and coughs]
[cries out]
[footsteps approaching]
♪ tense music playing ♪
MAN: Hey! - Aah!
- Come with me if you wanna binge.
[tea kettle whistling]
- You got a nice place here, man.
- Uh, yeah, it's been in my family for years.
- No way.
MAN: Here you go. - Oh, no, no.
- No, no. It's all legal tonight. Happy Bingemas!
- [laughs] Happy Bingemas! Yeah. Oh, boy.
Wow.
- Whoa!
- So... who are you, man?
- I'm Angel.
- Angel? Like-- Like, you're my angel?
ANGEL: If that's what you wanna hear, kid.
Now what's your problem?
- Well, my problem is my problem can't get fixed.
You know, I kinda ruined my family by being born.
- You haven't ruined nothing.
Family is just a four-letter word.
- Yeah, you know I--
Wait, that's wrong.
Hold on. Yeah, that's not a four-letter word.
- Hey, even a broken clock is right three times an hour.
- No, that's-- that's not right either. That's-- Yeah, that's wrong.
I mean, yo, my brain's kinda scrambled right now.
What was in that pipe?
- Every angel needs a little magic dust.
Angel dust, if you wish.
- Is that what was coming outta Tinker Bell?
- Hey! Bingo. [laughs] - Wow.
- Never Never Land is a place in your mind!
The whole thing is an homage to drugs.
You have to learn to read between the lines, Andy.
I learned that at MIT.
- [coughs] No shit! You-- You went to MIT?
- Yeah, Mental Institute of Texas.
- Oh.
- Spent about a year there.
Decided it wasn't for me.
But tonight, it's about you.
We'll start by getting that knife out of your vastus lateralis.
- Vastus whateralis?
- It's the biggest part of your quadricep.
Learned that in MED school.
- Wait, you went to MED school?
- Mm, of course.
Minneapolis Expert Detention school for criminals.
- Oh.
- Learned how to stab a sucker there.
- Oh, whoa-whoa! Yo! - How's that?
- That's bad. - Okay.
[flesh squelching] [Andrew screaming]
The good news is we can get it out.
ANDREW: Mm-hmm.
- Bad news is it's so deep,
we gotta push it through to the other side.
- Push it through? What, are you crazy? No!
- You got a better idea?
You wanna just keep limping?
- Aah! Fuck it! [groans]
[knife slicing] [Andrew screaming]
- Here, here, here. - [screams] Ooh! Oh, it's out!
ANGEL: One more hit should get you to Never Land.
♪ soft whimsical music playing ♪
Feel that? Christmas magic!
Now we can get to the root of your problem.
I'm gonna show you why your family needs you
a lot more than you'll ever know.
- You can do that?
ANGEL: Hey, I'm an angel. Of course!
Family problems are mostly mental.
Learned that at Yale.
- [laughs] Let me guess, that's some sort of rehab center, right?
Yale, huh? A free clinic? [laughs]
ANGEL: How dare you!
You think a guy like me can't go to an Ivy League College?
Hello? - No, no, I--
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
HAGS: A one, two, three, four!
[in triple speed] ♪ Silent night, holy night ♪
♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪
Yeah! Okay, Grandma!
We talked about this. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Keep the pace. You're dragging a little bit, all right?
It's a medley! It's a medley!
Kids, you ready?
Jesus freaks, make some noise in the back!
Here we go! Pitch pipe!
- ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪ - ♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
One, a-two, a-one, two, three, four, five!
[in triple speed] ♪ On the sixth day of Christmas My true love gave to me ♪
♪ Six geese a-laying! Five geese a-laying! ♪
♪ Four geese a-laying! Three geese a-laying! ♪
♪ And a Corvette in a palm tree, yeah! ♪
Yes! Yes! - Ooh! Yeah!
- I love that, Grandma.
- Hags, did you give her something?
- What? No, of course not!
- He made me do it!
- Oh, so you just gonna lie on Jesus' birthday?
- Is this another one of your world-famous jokes,
you piece of shit?
- No, it ain't! Grandma, tell him what happened!
- He told me it was like the movie Speed!
If I didn't do all these drugs, I would explode!
- That's not how this went down.
- Stop trying to speed my grandma. You're gonna fucking kill her.
- This is not what you think it is, okay?
First of all, your grandmom's a liar.
Third of all--
Wait, wait. What happened to the-- What happened to the presents?
♪ unsettling music playing ♪
SARAH: Who gives a fuck about presents--
- No, no, there was Christmas presents under the tree.
What happened to 'em?
SARAH'S DAD: This isn't the time to be thinking about presents.
- Where'd they go?
- Haven't you heard a word that I've said?
For us, the gift is family.
Every year, we give all of our gifts to the orphanage.
It's the least we can give to them after all they've given to us.
- Okay. Sarah, honey, I gotta go.
- What? - But I'll be right back.
- Where the hell are you going?
- I told Andrew that I would stop by and see him and-- and see his family.
I promised him I'll be there.
- You hate Andrew's family. - Kind of, yes, honey.
But I really need to go. - On Christmas Eve?
- I need you to trust me.
This will all make sense in a little bit. I love you.
I'll see you in a minute. Thank you.
- Are you looking for... this?
- No! Why would I be looking for a VHS copy of Con Air?
- What?
We watched it every Christmas, remember?
This is where I learned to steal a cop car.
- Oh, that's super cool, Uncle Kris.
But I really need to find this stupid fucking Christmas Owl
or my mom will actually murder me.
- Oh, I was thinking. We should go to the Winter Wonderland.
- That's a really great idea,
but it actually isn't because you shouldn't be in public.
The cops are gonna see you.
- That's the beauty of tonight.
Because everyone's dressed like me, so I'll blend right in.
Hey, Kimmi, come here, will ya? Got you something.
- Oh, Uncle Kris. I didn't really get you anything.
- Merry Christmas.
I had it taped to the wall of my cell right next to my bed,
and, um, I was remembering when your dad passed away
how hard it was on the family.
And how your mom,
you know, she just kind of threw herself into her work
and kind of at the expense of your upbringing.
So I just-- I don't know,
I always kind of saw myself as kind of a de facto dad,
you know, even though I, you know, I'm not the normal uncle or whatever.
But I just wanted you to know that I love you very much.
And I'm really happy to be with you on Christmas.
And I, you know, I just wish
everything could go back to the way it used to be, you know?
- I don't think that's possible, Uncle Kris.
- No, no, no. It is! It is. I'm telling you!
You know, everything's gonna be totally normal from here on out.
[doorbell rings] Fuck! That's the cops. It's the cops.
Okay. You haven't seen me. You haven't seen me at all--
Oh, no. You've seen me, but I was far away. Just say that.
- Okay.
- That motherfucker is cheating on me! I know it!
- Who, Hags? No. [scoffs] - Obviously!
- He wouldn't cheat on you. He is so, so, so scared of you, and--
- Kimmi, is that your weird uncle hiding behind the Christmas tree?
- Oh, hey! Yeah.
Merry Christmas. You look good, look festive.
You seem happy. How's your dad?
- Uh, you know, staying out of jail.
- No way! It's hard to do. Trust me. [chuckles]
So anyway, I'm gonna go put some stuff on the sleigh.
Christmas is right around the corner!
Uh, anyway, you guys go back to your girl problem. [laughs]
Let me just say from the bottom of my heart, Sarah,
I'm so glad you're not the DEA. Seriously.
- Right. Me too. - Yeah.
UNCLE KRIS: Ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Yeah, he used to dress like Santa every Christmas,
but somewhere down the road, it became full-time.
SARAH: Some people are so crazy.
Anyway, I have a tracker on Hags' phone and iPad.
I pinged all the cell towers at every location he's been to today,
cross-referenced it with the location of his laptop,
which I also have bugged,
so triangulation should be fairly straightforward.
We need to follow him and see where he's going.
KIMMI: Yeah, that's totally normal and healthy
and not at all psychotic, but, um, I can't.
Uh, I have to be at Winter Wonderland at 09:00,
and I still need to find this stupid fucking Christmas Owl.
Otherwise, my mom-- - Oh, my God!
There has to be something in here that'll loosen you up.
- I don't need to be loosened! I'm not binging!
We actually are a very upstanding family, okay?
- Okay! Ladies, ladies. Hey, everything's totally fine.
You know what? It's more than fine. Merry Christmas!
It's just-- The neighbors, I think, recognized me and called the cops
while I was decorating my sleigh.
- The squad car he stole.
- Right.
- Look, again, everything's totally fine.
We just probably wanna leave within the next two or three minutes,
or there's gonna be a lot of angry banter over a megaphone
and, uh, I dunno, possible gunfire. Maybe. I don't know.
- Somebody kill me.
HAGS: Andrew? ANDREW: [over phone] Hello?
- Andrew, hey! Hey, okay, listen.
I'm outside of the old high school, and it's fucking freezing out here.
Where are you?
ANDREW: [over phone] Just kidding. This is a voice mail. Beep.
- Damn!
ANDREW: [over phone] Just kidding. I'm still here. Go on.
- Oh, shit. Okay, cool.
Listen, I-- I lost Sarah's grandma's ring that was like--
ANDREW: [over phone] Uh-huh.
- I was in a hot tub with her dad. ANDREW: [over phone] Yeah?
- It's crazy. Can you come pick me up?
ANDREW: [over phone] That's so interesting.
I'd love to hear more about this story.
- Yeah, okay, so I texted somebody for a ride,
but they haven't gotten back to me yet.
And-- And I'm-- I'm out here in the cold. ANDREW: [over phone] Yeah?
- The ring's in the orphanage. ANDREW: [over phone] Uh-huh.
- I just need somebody to come get me 'cause I'm high on cocaine.
I'm warm on my inside and cold in my toes and fingers!
ANDREW: [over phone] That's crazy. - So please, can you come get me?
ANDREW: [over phone] Only thing is I'm not here. [laughs]
[voice mail beeps]
- Oh, you-- you sick, twisted motherfucker, man!
I told you to stop doing this shit!
[vehicle approaching] Hey, hey! Right here!
Right here!
[car stops]
Thank God.
Okay, if I pull this off,
I promise, we ain't got no more problems, okay?
You and me, forever. Just-- Thank you.
Hey!
[knocks on window]
♪ Pimp my ride ♪
- Hey.
Did somebody say Pimp My Ride three times in the mirror?
[laughs] HAGS: Pompano Mike!
First of all, Merry Christmas. POMPANO MIKE: Same.
- Second of all, is there any way you can gimme a ride?
- Let's make some donuts, motherfucker. Get in!
- Okay! POMPANO MIKE: Okay!
♪ Pimp my ride ♪
- All right. To the orphanage we go.
- I didn't know there was gonna be another person in here.
- Not just a person, a force of friggin' nature.
- Ooo-kay. I'm Delray Donna. - I'm Hags.
- I'm-- Pompano over here-- his life partner and spiritual advisor.
- Yeah.
- Are you from Delray?
- [laughs] No, no, no! No, no way, dude!
I'm just living in that south Florida state of mind.
- That's right, baby. HAGS: Should've known.
- Hey, it is so darn good to see you! - Good to see you.
- What's going on? What's new? You still training for the Olympics?
- I heard you do long put. - No!
- Long jumps?
- Never did an Olympic thing in my life. - No?
- But I am about to make the biggest decision of my life.
- Ooh. - Oh. Whether or not to start training for the Olympics?
- Ooh.
- No. I'm proposing to my girlfriend, Sarah.
- Oh, my God! - Ah.
POMPANO MIKE: That is awesome! - That is beautiful.
- Can I get a little peek of that ring? - I'd love to see that charmer.
- I accidentally donated the ring to the orphanage, so.
- Oh, tale as old as time. - I gotta go get it.
DELRAY DONNA: Darn. - Oh, no!
- Can you keep your eyes on the road?
[Delray Donna and Pompano Mike laughing]
- Where we're going, there are no roads.
- When you live in your car, you don't work a day in your life.
POMPANO MIKE: Oh, amen.
Baby, we're being rude and also impolite.
It's Hanukkah here in Binge Town, and we should give him a Mazel-Tug.
- Oh, wow! POMPANO MIKE: Yes.
- Here you go. Choo-choo, baby.
- Here's to merriment, here's to friendship,
to proposals,
and most of all, suck it down pipe!
- Suck it down pipe. HAGS: No, thank you, guys.
I appreciate it, though. - Yeah, ooh, we understand.
- We're on the same wavelength.
- Totally get it. We get it. - Thank you.
- Pipe, suck it, down it.
- Take the pipe. Suck it down.
- Suck-a that pipe suck stick, Piper.
- ♪ Suck be a piper tonight ♪
- ♪ Waiting for some pipe ♪
- Everybody says the secret to suck-cess is-- is opening yourself to all the...
DELRAY DONNA AND POMPANO MIKE: Pipeabilities.
- Okay. Can you stop?
DELRAY DONNA AND POMPANO MIKE: ♪ How much pipe could a pipe suck suck ♪
♪ If a pipe suck could suck pipe ♪
- Okay, okay. If I smoke it, will you please stop making puns?
I'm begging you.
DELRAY DONNA AND POMPANO MIKE: Maybe.
- Okay. - All right!
- All right! There he goes. POMPANO MIKE: Yeah.
- That's the beautiful power of peer pressure.
- Hey, have you ever seen the feature film length feature
Honey, I Sucked the Pipe?
- So this is what again?
- That one's got a little Crunch in it.
- What's Crunch?
- Yeah. Little Corgi's Gone Wild.
- This one's Medulla All-Blunt-Gatta.
Christopher Mintz Plasse.
- Greek Lettuce.
- The bassist from Smash Mouth.
- That one's the Three Wood.
- Sneeze!
- The tiny thing they put in a pizza box to keep it from flattening.
- You got a little bit of Baby Gerkin there.
POMPANO MIKE: Greenpeace, Cub Scout, Yellow Belly, Wet Willy, Circuit City.
- Guys, I'm smoking it! Can you just stop speaking?
- Well, you better crank that suck pipe 'cause we're already at the orphanage.
DELRAY DONNA: Ooh. [Hags coughing]
POMPANO MIKE: Oh, did I say that last one was Circuit City?
I actually think it's Mambo Number 6.
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
ANDREW: What the fuck is this?
I would never put up these decorations.
- Andy, you don't exist in this universe.
Do you understand?
This is what it would be like if you were never born.
- Oh. - Come on.
- ♪ My present to you ♪ [all clapping]
- Oh, golly, Mother. This is fantastic!
[continues singing]
[laughing]
- You've certainly outdone yourself.
- Before we eat, I'd like to say grace.
- Yes! - Grace.
- Here we go.
DEIDRE: Dear heavenly Lord, we thank you for this delicious meal
and for all of the beautiful blessings that surround us.
This is a time of self-reflection and redemption.
All of our past misdeeds can be undone with love,
and, of course, the perfect family. [Rigo mouthing "Family"]
- Amen. [laughs] - Amen.
- This is terrifying.
- When you have a perfect son, there is no need to make another.
- Oh, I'm so glad it was only the three of us growing up.
- I know!
[clinks on glass] - I was going to wait till Christmas morning to tell you guys.
I brilliantly decided to invest in Titcoin.
- Oh, how exotic!
- And it paid out big, real big.
$40 million!
DAKOTA: Rigo!
- [laughs] What do you guys want? Do you want the moon?
Just say it, and I'll buy it for you with Titcoin!
- This is truly the merriest Christmas of all.
- My work here is done.
- Wha-- What are you talking about your work here is done?
You haven't done anything for me!
- It's a Christmas miracle! Look it.
Family. Happy. Joyous.
I left my house when I was seven,
and the only thing I miss is my mother's golden brown chicken wings.
Boy, and your mother must be one hell of a cook.
- No, no, she isn't.
In fact, she burns everything she touches.
And, hey, isn't this supposed to be going the other way around, man?
Isn't the whole point of this fantasy to prove that things are much worse
with me not around? [Angel snoring]
ANDREW: Angel. Angel?
Angel?
- Hey, who the fuck are you?
- I-- I'm Andrew. I met you under the bridge.
- Under the bridge? That don't sound like me, homes.
- You took me to your tent, man!
You said it was in your family for generations!
- Oh, wait. I remember, yeah!
Chicken wings. My mother's chicken wings--
- No, no, no. You already told me that. You told me that already.
- Did I fix your life?
- No, not at all.
RIGO: Eskimo kisses! [Deidre squealing]
- Oh, my God, this isn't right. I can't look at this.
- You gotta lose your attitude, homes. It sucks!
All right, here we go.
NEWS ANCHOR: Winter Wonderland has just opened its doors.
And I have to say, the mood here is slightly strange
as The Binge has brought in a different class of people.
Uh, sir, what brings you to Winter Wonderland?
- Hey, we came here to party and eat some fucking ass, yo!
[group cheering]
- Now, when you say eat ass,
uh, is that metaphorically, or are you actually going to perform a sex act?
- I, metaphorically, am gonna eat some fucking ass, literally, dude!
[group cheering]
- While confusing, I think I get your point.
So inside, there are families gathering,
children are having a great time.
Now, sir, it seems like you have a group of friends here.
Are you expecting anymore?
- Oh, hell yeah.
The Bingers are coming, man.
We're taking over, all right? - Okay.
- We are gonna turn Winter Wonderland
into Binger...
Fingerland, dude!
[group laughing, cheering]
- But, uh, while I don't agree that that pun was as strong as it could be,
I do agree with the sentiment.
Uh, the Bingers are coming.
[group cheering]
♪ "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing ♪
- Enjoy. Vote for Mayor Spengler.
- I'm allergic to nuts.
- Well, what did you think was going to happen at the nutcracker station?
I have a secret for you, okay?
Complaining makes Santa very, very angry.
But I'm okay with it.
[laughs] There you go. Merry Christmas!
- Life's short. You gotta make sure you live it, all right?
Eleven months out of the year, I'm at a Scion dealership.
Yeah, I, uh, see, you think this is...
It's hot under here.
One sec. Don't ever do this.
Now everybody has a friggin' podcast nowadays.
How long can you talk about presents and good kids and stuff like that?
Are you good? You look like my first wife.
You're just staring through my brain.
- Excuse me, sweet angel!
Hey! There is no binging when you're Santa Claus!
- [laughs] Looks like there is.
- Out! Get outta here!
Just get out. Get outta here right now.
- [burps] Wait. You want me to leave?
- Well, this ain't Trivial Pursuit,
so I wouldn't take the Risk.
- Hmm? - Mm.
- What?
- Like the board games!
- I know what you mean, but why would you say that to me?
[kids laughing]
- I don't even know where you get a gun.
- Get the fuck outta here! Go!
- All right.
MAYOR SPENGLER: Search that bag! GUARD: All right.
- My phone, Larry!
God damn it, Santa!
SANTA: Here, little girl. You can have my bell.
MAYOR SPENGLER: Hi. Could you eat your ice cream while you're not staring at me?
Thank you so much! Merry Christmas!
Hey, Four Eyes! Take your glasses off!
Okay, now there's nothing to see.
G-G-G-Go!
UNCLE KRIS: Okay! Nobody panic.
He probably just pulled over the wrong car.
SARAH: Uh, yeah, I doubt that,
considering you're in a stolen cop car with a reindeer stashed on the roof.
[phone ringing] - Everybody, shut up!
Shut up! My mom's calling.
- Oh, tell her I said hi. - I will not!
- Heyyy. MAYOR SPENGLER: [over phone] Kimberly, where are you?
KIMMI: [over phone] Uh, we're-- we're at church.
[sirens wailing] - What are those sirens?
- Church sirens.
MAYOR SPENGLER: [over phone] Church sirens are not a thing!
- Hags is at the orphanage. We need to go to the orphanage.
Step on it, Santa!
- No, no, no. We gotta be super chill, and then maybe he'll just go away.
OFFICER: [over speaker] Keep your hands where I can see them.
[Uncle Kris gasps]
- Oh! MAYOR SPENGLER: [over phone] Who's that?
- That's a song!
Uh-- Uh--
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas, baby ♪
♪ Keep your hands up ♪
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas, baby ♪
♪ Keep your hands up ♪
- That's not a song!
- ♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
- Where did you learn this song? In school?
Are you binging?
Because it is almost 9:00 p.m.,
and that owl is the cornerstone of the--
- Wait, did she just say it's nine o'clock?
It's time for the exploding ketamine.
- What's that? - No, he wants to do it.
MAYOR SPENGLER: Please be honest with me
because I'm at the end of my rope!
- No, I'm actually gonna see you later. Bye.
- Your lack of respect Boggles the mind!
[line disconnects]
That was a good one.
- Ladies, ladies!
Everybody be super still and super quiet,
and then maybe he'll just walk right past the car.
Everybody, chain your robot that's broken.
SARAH: Why are you guys acting insane?
It's legal to binge tonight. - Don't do it, Sarah!
- Don't! UNCLE KRIS: Don't!
- See, it's-- it's fine.
[Kimmi exhales in relief]
[box explodes] UNCLE KRIS: Fuck!
[tires screeching]
[Uncle Kris speaking indistinctly]
Oh-ho-ho! It is Christmas officially! Woo!
- Oh, my insides are burning!
NARRATOR: As we descend into the night,
it will prove to be anything but bland.
With each generation comes a new set of lore,
and we'll look to the future
to learn who we really are right at our core.
- And as another Christmas comes to pass,
I realize that there's two types of people in this world,
Chutes and Ladders.
And this Christmas, we're going up the ladder, baby!
Yeah! Yahtzee!
Ooh-hoo! CROWD: Ooh-hoo!
ANDREW: Is that Kimmi? She became the mayor?
And-- And if this is the future, why is everything in black and white?
- Hey, stop asking questions. I'm trying to hear this.
- And I'd like to thank my husband, the single best lover of my life.
Angel, come up here, baby. - She looks so beautiful.
Oh-- Whoa-oh-oh! Whoa! [Future Angel laughing]
What the hell, man? You married Kimmi?
- The Lord works in mysterious ways.
I am a very lucky man. She is a wonderful woman!
ANDREW: I know she is!
Jesus, you're like 50 years older than her!
- In the future, age doesn't matter.
- What the hell does that mean?
- Age is just the number of years that you've been born!
- Oh-- I mean, yeah, that-- that-- that is exactly what age means.
That's-- You're correct.
But, come on, man!
You're supposed to be helping me, and you married the love of my life?
This is a nightmare, okay?
If I ever did anything good for anybody,
could you please-- could you take me there?
Could you show me one scenario
that was actually better off with me in attendance?
- Okay, okay. Let's go to the Christmas dinner at your family's.
- We were already there, Angel!
- Are you sure? - Yes! It was a disaster!
- I don't remember, but you're the boss.
But isn't there somebody special from your past?
- Yes, and you married her in the future!
- Hey! Let's keep my wonderful wife out of it, okay?
You know, you are really tough to please.
No wonder everybody hates you!
ANDREW: Fine. You know what?
I will no longer hurt my family or anyone else in my life, okay?
How about you just take me back to the hospital where I was born
and I put myself up for adoption?
That way, we erase all of this from ever happening.
That sounds like a better idea than whatever... this is!
- Your wish!
MAYOR KIMMI: Slap that tushy!
- Ooh! - Oh! Ha-ha!
- We're still here-- I'm still watching this, man!
- I'm not done! [Future Angel and Kimmi laughing]
DELRAY DONNA: Hey, wake up. We're at the orphanage.
- Hey. - Hey.
- I think I sucked it down two pipe.
- Not possible. - Hey. Two pipe, RIP.
- So we gotta focus. We gotta trick the shit out of this lady.
- What did you say your names were? POMPANO MIKE: I...
am... Dave...
id.
Letterman.
David-- David Letterman.
- And I am...
[Delray Donna mouths "Pompano Mike"]
Pompano Mike. - Yep.
- Well, being fully transparent here,
my first instinct is that you're giving me fake names.
[Pompano Mike gasps] - Oh. Oh.
[Hags laughs, mumbles] - I don't know why...
- Oh, that's awful. - ...you'd accuse us of that.
The audacity!
- Well, the time it took you to say your names.
The looks that you gave each other after you said each name.
- Shoot.
- And the names themselves are pretty unbelievable.
- Excuse me? We would never do something like that!
- Honey-- - Hey, we are very honest people.
I'm sorry! - Mike--
- Okay, yeah. See, all of this feels pretty suspect.
- You are being extremely rude and unprofessional,
and I don't know why you would accuse someone of like this.
Can I have a word with you?
You should be ashamed.
- Okay, I did not mean to offend. I just--
[laughs mockingly]
- I don't know why you'd accuse us of...
[mumbles indistinctly]
- Extremely rude!
- Oh, my God! Christmas Eve is one of the toughest nights at the orphanage
and our Santa never showed up.
And these kids, they--
You know what?
If you wanna give me $50 to start the application process,
I will give you the benefit of the doubt and run one of your IDs.
- There you go. Oh, this is a balloon for the kids.
[whispers] Put that in your butt.
- I just need the ID, please.
- Uh, here's the cash. - There you go.
- And your-- And your ID.
GRETA: Oh, uh... POMPANO MIKE: It's me.
- I apologize, Mr. Letterman.
- You're welcome.
- Just one moment. Just don't touch anything.
DELRAY DONNA: Don't you feel silly?
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
- [whispers] What? [laughs] Wow!
That actually worked! - Yes. Yes!
- Okay, okay, shh, shh, shh. Guys, I'm gonna get the ring.
You guys go wait in the car.
I'm impressed. Really impressed, guys. That was nuts!
- [whispering] Okay. See you out there. - Wow!
- Guys, guys, shh.
- You got this!
My God, I think she really bought it! - I did too.
- You were amazing!
- You kidding me? You were incredible!
I've never seen acting like that. - Oh, yeah.
- And I've watched all CBS sitcoms.
- Hey, let's get outta here before we get arrested.
- Sounds good. - Okay.
- All right, everyone, seems like Santa isn't coming this year.
But we're orphans, so it should come as no surprise
that the adults around us have once again neglected their responsibilities
at our expense.
But we're gonna have an old-fashioned white elephant.
You pick a number, and that person gets to choose a present.
[Grandma Ray yells]
We only steal when it's our turn.
- Hey.
How you guys doin'?
Look, I don't mean to interrupt, okay?
I'm just here to get my present, and I can be on my merry way.
- You want that present? You gotta sit down and play the game.
- Okay, see, I don't really have time to play a game
'cause I'm trying to propose.
So what's a little $20 say that I can get this gift and then roll?
- You think you can buy us with money?
- Okay, look, here. 35 is the best I can do.
See, I just got fired and I told you, I'm trying to propose!
BOY: I don't care about your personal life!
Now shut up and play. If not, the door's right there.
- Okay, watch your tone 'cause you getting mildly disrespectful!
All right, I'm gonna play the game with all of you guys.
Calm your energy, little Buddy The Elf, okay?
What are we doing? We singing Christmas carols or something?
- Are you high right now?
♪ "Carol of the Bells" playing ♪ [sirens wailing]
[tires screeching]
- You guys are real quiet back there. Are you all right?
- Mr. Letterman?
[tires screeching]
[sirens wailing]
- It better be Santa!
- We did it! Ahh!
Woo! We are here!
All right, come on!
♪ Christmas, Christmas, woo ♪
Let's go!
[Uncle Kris panting]
- Paul, we're paying you to watch for bingers!
- Okay, girls, let's go! Come on.
- Hey, you're two hours late!
That is really messed up to do to these kids, they're orphans!
I am only paying you half.
- Where's the chimney?
- No chimney. We're going through the front door.
Will you put your beard on?
- Is there a chimney that goes through the door?
- That doesn't make any sense. We have to go.
- Okay. Let's go!
HAGS: Okay, look here, Tiny Tim.
Let's be reasonable. I made a fair trade! - No!
GRETA: [singing] Look who I found!
- Ho-ho-ho!
- Merry Christmas!
- That fucker took my white elephant!
- Sammy, language! Get back here!
Security! - No need. I'm leaving.
I'm leaving!
[thuds]
- Shit. Shit. Shit.
- Oops. - God damn it. Get an ice pack!
Jesus!
♪ eerie music playing ♪
KIMMI: You know, I think I'm leaving the K hole.
SARAH: Yeah, I think maybe I feel normal now.
We're gonna find that fucker in here.
[in Sarah's voice] Wait, what the fuck?
- [in Kimmi's voice] What is happening?
- [in Sarah's voice] I think we Freaky Friday'd.
- [in Kimmi's voice] No!
I don't want your voice!
- [in Sarah's voice] What? Why? What's wrong with my voice?
- [in Kimmi's voice, mocking] What's wrong with my voice?
That's me doing you as you.
It's not very pleasant.
[voice distorts and echoes]
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
[owl hooting]
[bird cawing]
- [echoing] Yahtzee!
- [echoing] Alexa... Alexa... turn the Titilator to a 20.
[cackles]
- [in normal voice] Kimmi!
- Excuse me!
- That's the girl that Hags is cheating on me with.
- This guy got knocked out. Can you help me?
- Yeah, I'll help you. Help you die, bitch.
- What? I don't have time for this.
KIMMI: Oh, my God. Abort! She's gonna--
[girls scream] [fire extinguisher hissing]
- Oh, man, I'm doing this. I'm really doing this.
♪ soft music playing ♪
- Well, I'm not gonna lie, I don't really remember the plan.
But I think you're making the-- the right choice.
- Yeah.
Once I drop my baby self over for adoption,
everyone's life will be much, much better.
Nature versus nurture. [chuckles]
Yeah, um, but before I do that,
do you have any more of that golden powder?
- No! You smoked it all, you greedy bastard.
- Oh, shit.
[sirens wailing] HAGS: Andrew?
- I think it's starting to wear off.
- That's not good.
HAGS: Andrew? - Who said that?
HAGS: Andrew?
- Baby didn't say it.
HAGS: Andrew? - Hags?
- Bags? Who's Bags? - Hags.
HAGS: Andrew? - Hags?
- Andrew, what the fuck happened to your face?
And where'd you get that baby?
- Where'd you get that baby?
- You stole a baby? Oh, you're going to prison.
I can't help you. Goodbye.
- Who is that?
- Thank God!
This guy tried to steal presents from orphans.
And then, this guy with the long hair stole a baby, I think.
- Stole a baby? - I just--
- We're here because there's an escaped convict
somewhere in this place dressed as Santa.
- Oh, my God! He's upstairs!
- Take care of these guys.
- Do... not... move.
Whose baby is that?
- I can explain easily.
- He can explain. - Yeah.
- I'm waitin'. - It's actually pretty simple.
I went back in time thanks to this guy named Angel
that I met under a bridge after I got attacked by the Christmas Owl.
He showed me that my family's better off without me in their lives.
So I went to the hospital, stole my baby self,
and now I'm here to set him up for adoption
so that, hopefully, I get a better life!
- Fuckin' Binge.
Why, oh, why did they have to put The Binge on Christmas?
- I know!
OFFICER: What the hell is wrong with you?
You sucked it down pipe, didn't you?
Give me this. Stealing from the kids! You should be ashamed of yourself.
- I want the elves to build the perfect family... for all of us.
And I'm sorry I called that guy a fucker before.
I hope you don't hold it against me.
- [laughs] Sammy, Santa doesn't hold grudges.
But that is a bad word, and you shouldn't say it.
And it's hard not to.
Sometimes even Santa says it.
You know, the reindeer will bite me,
and I want to be like, "Whoa, you fucker!"
But I don't.
And I wish you and all the children to find the perfect home.
And you can if you just have faith, all right?
And right now, I'm gonna need all of you to help save Christmas this year.
We need to go to a place
that is the heart and the soul of Christmas.
Let's go to Winter Wonderland!
[kids cheering] - Yes! All right, let's go!
- He's trying to steal the kids!
- They're gonna kill Santa! OFFICER: That's not Santa.
It's just a guy dressed up.
Tell the orphans.
- Well, if I'm not Santa, then how do I remember this?
Christmas 2006,
I went down your chimney, and I left an iPod mini, a Nerf football,
and a lava lamp from Spencer's Gifts, just like you wanted.
You left me a glass of almond milk with an oatmeal cookie,
which I ate half of just to let you know that I'd been there.
Your house was the epitome of Americana,
white picket fence and two golden retrievers.
- Wow.
♪ rousing music playing ♪
- I was raised in a shit-hole apartment on 8th Avenue.
No pets.
And I'm Jewish.
[handcuffs clink]
- We're all Jewish. - No, we're not.
- It was... a firehouse.
That's where you lived, a firehouse. - All right, let's go.
- You had 14 cats.
- No pets. I told you.
He's not Santa.
- He's made out of wood!
- Flesh and bones. You're under arrest. Let's go.
[muffled whispering]
- It's okay.
♪ whimsical music playing ♪
- Whoa, I know you!
You're my future wife!
[girls scream]
- [gasps] Oh!
[baby whimpering]
- Hi. Wondering if you had a baby stolen from your hospital tonight?
Yeah. I know.
I don't know why they would make The Binge on Christmas either.
- I need that fucking owl.
- Jesus Christ, Kimmi. Give it up already. Who cares?
- I care. I care, Sarah.
I've been doing everything that you care about all night!
I'm literally at the orphanage because you needed to find Hags.
- Who? - Sarah, it's okay to be sad.
You guys dated for a long time. Just let it out.
- Kimmi, can you just give up the act for like 30 seconds?
You've been saying shit like you're my therapist,
and I've been tolerating it all night.
- You're not a walk in the park either.
I mean, sometimes I literally think you're, like, acting up
'cause you're jealous or something.
- I'm jealous of you?
- You're jealous of me because I have a life
and I have new things to do and new responsibilities,
and you're still out there calling yourself a prom queen.
- You do you, Kimmi.
And for your information, I graduated eighth in my class
in online cosmetology school,
which you would know if you cared about talking about anyone other than yourself.
Good luck finding your owl and in all your future endeavors.
- Right!
POMPANO MIKE: They got 'em all. Dang it! DELRAY DONNA: Oh, man! Scooped 'em.
POMPANO MIKE: There's only one thing we can do at this point,
good old-fashioned heist.
Ocean's Eleven style.
- But there's only us. Oceans Two?
POMPANO MIKE: Hear me out here.
Remember that barbershop quartet I was in?
- We Cut Hair and Sing? POMPANO MIKE: No, no.
That was the first one. The one after that.
- Big Old Pump and the Tiny, Tiny Pom Poms?
- Nope. You jumped two. The one right in the middle.
- Yellow Brick Road Scholars?
- No, no, that was the last one. The middle one.
- Oh! We Sing Songs? - Yes. We Sing Songs.
So that's three more guys. That gets us to Ocean's Five.
But wait, I heard Geppetto swore off quartetting forever
for religious reasons.
Says that baritone is the devil's pitch.
DELRAY DONNA: That's too bad. - I know.
- He was quite a talent. - He really was.
- Okay, so without Geppetto, Ocean's Four?
- Darn it. You know, you're right.
Any way you slice it, we're never gonna get to Eleven.
- No. [Pompano Mike sighs]
POMPANO MIKE: Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this one solo.
And by solo, I mean me and you.
But when we work together,
you and me,
we can get through anything life throws at us!
Ain't that right, baby?
[Delray Donna snoring]
- You grew up on 8th Avenue.
It was a small apartment. No pets.
- Yeah, I told you all that stuff at the orphanage.
- Yeah, I know. I'd already known that.
I was just having fun with you.
- Sure.
- I never delivered presents to you 'cause you were Jewish,
but your neighbors, Barbara and Henry,
they had a daughter named Patty,
and the family owned a bakery,
and they would leave me really good cookies.
Yeah, they were a really nice family.
We'll be outta here, guys. Don't worry.
- [softly] I didn't tell him any of those things.
- If this motherfucker is really Santa, that's on you.
Love you, Santa.
- So you're just not gonna talk to me now?
- You hung up on me, man. - I called you back.
- You did? - Yes!
- Oh, okay, 'cause I was in a dark place, okay?
I felt like my family would be better off without me,
and I met this guy Angel
who actually showed me what my family'd be like without me,
and, well, I was right.
- No, Andrew, you were wrong.
Because I'm your family.
If I'd have known you were in trouble,
I would've dropped everything I was doing to be by your side.
There's always room for family.
- Dominic Toretto.
Fast Five.
- All right, you each get a phone call.
Jailhouse Jesus, you're up first.
- Pass.
- You don't have anyone to call on Christmas?
- Well, anyone I'd call is in this jail cell with me right now.
- Wow. That's sad.
Pathetic, actually.
I have like 10 people off the top of my head I could call,
20 probably.
Kayla, you got people you could call, right?
- Every damn day.
- Every day, she has friends she could call.
What about you? You got someone you wanna call?
- Yeah, you should call Sarah.
- Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I'll-- I'll take my call.
- Of course, he's gonna make a call. Everyone should.
KAYLE: What a loser. - Find friends.
KAYLA: I have no respect for people who have no long-term relationships.
DELRAY DONNA: Sure no one will notice us here?
POMPANO MIKE: There's no way they could.
Here's the plan.
I'm gonna be responsible for sneaking the guys out.
That means all you have to do is hack into the mainframe
and shut down the cameras, the security system,
and the locking mechanism to the cell.
From there, you're gonna shadow ban yourself on the dark web.
- You're gonna be completely incognito. - All right.
- Then you're gonna go in,
reroute all the calls in the local area 40 miles east,
sending the squad cars away.
- Mainframe. - Yeah. Squad cars away.
- Wait, you want me to do this?
- Yeah, we don't have a full eleven, so I allocated all the tech stuff to you.
- Well, I don't know how to do any of the stuff you just said.
- Not even a simple vector decoy or...
- Just give me one sec. - Yep.
♪ soft ethereal music playing ♪
- I got it. - Nice.
- I saw this episode of Cops once where this guy did a shit ton of PCP.
He got hit by a monster truck, didn't feel a thing!
You do a gentleman's dose,
get in there, distract the shit out of 'em.
You'll be virtually invincible.
I'll get in and get the keys to the cell.
- We're gonna make great parents one day.
- I love you. - Love you too.
- Okay.
- So just a gentleman's amount.
[snorts sharply]
♪ dark rumbling music playing ♪
[howling]
[thunder cracks]
- Hi, I am...
Pompano Mike,
and I just had a question about some people that you took in tonight.
- Are you a relative or legal guardian, Mike?
- Uhhhh...
Look. Look at this.
[Pompano Mike screaming]
Oh, my God! Are you seeing this?
- Hey, sir. I'm gonna need you to stop it.
- Oh, man! What's happening? [Pompano Mike continues screaming]
Who is this guy? POMPANO MIKE: I think it's working.
[Pompano Mike screaming] [glass shatters]
Yeah, yeah, okay, we're good.
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
- Another Merry Christmas call.
- You have too many friends.
[Pompano Mike screaming in distance]
[ornaments clattering]
- Pompano Mike, what the hell are you doing here?
- Should we be concerned about this? POMPANO MIKE: To rescue you guys!
- No. Not at all.
[Pompano Mike screaming]
Ah! Cops! Take that! - All right.
- Terminator 2. Terminator 2. Terminator 2!
Come on, Terminator 2.
Ah, what the fuck? They-- They put away Santa? That's it!
- Ooh. - Let me in there, pal.
- Okay, okay.
- Let me in there right now.
HAGS: Those aren't real guns, guys. He's not armed.
- I am armed.
[laughs] You don't wanna know what these bullets feel like.
Hey, Santa, what's up? - Hi.
- This is what you get when you fuck with Santa!
Now close it. OFFICER: You asked for this.
- Close it up! That's good.
That's a good guy. That's a good guy.
- There you go, partner.
POMPANO MIKE: All right, guys. It's gonna take all of us this time.
Let's go!
[screams] Come on!
[Andrew and Pompano Mike screaming "Terminator 2"]
- Woo!
♪ eerie music playing ♪
♪ "Ode to Joy" playing ♪
- Thank you, Diane.
We are here live at Winter Wonderland
where it appears that the Bingers are staging a mutiny.
Mayor Spengler has completely lost control.
Her request to keep this event Binge free has only made people want to binge more.
It's funny how that works.
I pulled a cupcake off one of the trays when I entered in here,
and now people's faces are starting to melt and turn neon.
I guess it was laced with something.
Par for the course for The Binge, I suppose.
And I guess that's par for the course for The Binge, I suppose.
I'm sorry. Did I just say that, or did I think that?
I don't know.
But I do know it's par for the course for The Binge.
[crowd chanting "Binge!"]
[tree thuds] [crowd gasps]
[crowd cheering]
- Fuckin' Binge.
- Long live The Binge!
♪ bright cheery music playing ♪
KAYLA: Now this is Christmas.
OFFICER: Got another one.
He was standing in someone's living room,
pretending to be a ghost and eating their food.
- I love chicken wings.
Oh, my mother's golden brown-- - Angel?
ANGEL: Anderooney!
Look what I got from the orphanage! [giggles]
Merry Bingemas!
- Oh, fuck it. It's already the worst Christmas ever.
Let's go.
♪ bright harp music playing ♪
ANGEL: Binge!
- ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
- ♪ There's no love for me this year ♪
- ♪ No, we won't be together ♪
♪ No bailing me outta here ♪
♪ No ho-ho-hos, no mistletoes ♪
♪ No angels getting wings ♪
♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
[set thuds]
♪ 'Cause The Binge has gone and ruined everything ♪
[snorting]
- ♪ Well, I was gonna propose ♪
♪ Now I'm totally hosed and I'm haunted by this ring ♪
- ♪ And now I'm all alone sitting on my throne ♪
♪ Still looking for my homecoming king ♪
- ♪ I saw the future, I saw the past ♪
♪ I need The Binge to end at last ♪
- ♪ Yeah, I'm on the prowl for the stupid owl ♪
♪ And Kimberly, seriously ♪
[owl screeches]
♪ Maybe I'm growing up way too fast ♪
- ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
- ♪ Who thought it was smart for The Binge to start on this jolly holiday? ♪
♪ I just wanted to see my family ♪
♪ But now I better head back up north on my sleigh ♪
- ♪ I pimped my ride, my girl by my side ♪
♪ I thought I was in heaven ♪
♪ But The Binge made me realize ♪
♪ I'll never have my own Ocean's Eleven ♪
- ♪ Well, you see, way back in the day ♪
♪ I killed a guy in LA ♪
♪ And this other bro living in San Antonio ♪
♪ Had a bit of a spree in Tallahassee ♪
♪ Gotta get this off of my chest ♪
♪ 'Cause there never was an arrest ♪
- ♪ It's the worst Christmas-- ♪
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.
Hold on. That wasn't all.
I killed a guy in St. Paul
and a few others at a mall in Niagara Falls. Oh, and--
- Angel, I don't think you should be incriminating yourself like this.
- Oh, I thought this song was a safe space.
I was... kidding?
- ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
♪ There's no love for me this year ♪
♪ No, we won't be together ♪
♪ There's no bailing me outta here ♪
♪ No ho-ho-hos, no mistletoes, no angels getting wings ♪
[all singing off-key] ♪ It's the worst Christmas ever ♪
♪ And The Binge has gone and ruined everything ♪
- Good God!
- Fellas, take it from the top.
- No, no, no. No. Good news, folks.
We don't normally have our holding tank full
of a bunch of singing people on Christmas Eve.
KAYLA: And if this many people are trying to bail you out,
then you must be something pretty special.
Come on in, family.
- Ah! [laughs] - Shit. Mom?
- Which one do you messed with my kid, huh? Which one?
[Rigo speaking Spanish]
- Dads?
- Your boy Hags called us. Been looking for you all night, man!
- Wait, you have? - Yeah.
- You used your one call for me, Hags?
- Yeah, man, of course! What would Diesel do?
- Wow.
DEIDRE: You're the spice of our family, Andrew.
You're the testicles in the tomato soup.
We need you, Andrew. We need you.
RIGO: I was being a selfish piece of shit.
And I don't care whose sperm Rube Goldberg'd with another sperm
to fertilize an egg that ultimately led to two vastly different twins.
You'll always be a part of me.
I wouldn't trade you for all the Titcoin in the world.
- [Deidre speaking Spanish] ...Titcoin.
- Wow. I've never heard you say something like that to me.
That's, uh... [chuckles]
That's amazing!
And Dakota, you too?
- I only came 'cause I like car rides.
- Appreciate that. Thank you.
Well, it's a Christmas miracle.
I love my family.
I love my family!
[everyone laughs]
ALL: I love my family!
- Angel, I get it now.
- Have we met? - Yes, we have met!
We went through a whole--
I understand what you were trying to teach me this whole time.
- You do?
ANDREW: You were trying to teach me
I actually have the ability to make my own future.
- Oh, yeah. That was the lesson.
Hey, right on. ANDREW: Hey, right on!
All right, guys, what do you say, we, uh...
say fuck it, hit the Winter Wonderland, right?
Reunite my mom with that weird-ass dude that was at our dinner,
and I tell Kimmi I love her for the first time.
KAYLA: Move out the way. Enough of this sappy stuff.
Please slide over if you want 'em free.
Thank you, ma'am.
Come on. - All right.
So, I-- It's okay if we-- Okay.
DEIDRE: Come on, baby.
- And you might want this. - Thank you.
- Come on, Terminator 2. - Terminator 2.
UNCLE KRIS: This is great.
- Hey, I don't know if you're Santa,
but if you are, can you look after my grandkids?
- Tracy and Jamal. They're adorable.
Yeah, for sure.
ANGEL: All right! Let's go feed the--
- Mm-mm. - Not you.
- Hey, what happened to all that Christmas spirit,
and redemption, and cheer?
OFFICER: What happened is we ran your fingerprints,
and you're wanted in 11 states for a couple dozen murders.
You're never gonna see the light of day again.
- ♪ This is the worst Christmas ever ♪
- Stop singing. No one wants to hear you sing again.
- ♪ No love for me ♪
KAYLA: Ah, ah, ah! OFFICER: Back, back, back.
KAYLA: Get your ass back in there!
- All right, we gotta get to the orphanage.
We gotta show the kids what Christmas is all about.
Do you have any presents or treats or, like, candy canes or anything?
- How about this for the kids?
KAYLA: Oh, hell. We'll allow it.
It's a Christmas Binge. Nothing matters.
- Christmas is saved!
[all clap and cheer]
- Love to stay for the family reunion, but I'm gonna go propose!
- Yeah! - All right!
- I'm gonna propose! - All right!
HAGS: Okay. Love you all!
[train horn honks] [muffled chatter and laughter]
♪ EDM version of "Carol of the Bells" playing ♪
MAYOR SPENGLER: Stop! Stop it!
Oh, god damn it! [indistinct shouting]
Stop! No!
Everyone, get out of here! What are you doing?
What's wrong with you?
Oh, no, no! Get out! Everyone get out!
No, no, no!
When did you do this?
When did you switch out all the music and the lights?
Christmas is not about this! It's about family!
- Where's your family?
- Where's my family?
♪ EDM version of "Carol of the Bells" playing ♪
- Uncle Kris! What are you doing here?
- Candy!
- That's not candy!
UNCLE KRIS: Christmas dust!
- God bless us, everyone! [snorts]
This Christmas dust makes me wanna start a small business.
- It seems that the mayor's brother, who was a felon who is dressed as Santa,
is throwing drugs to the Winter Wonderland attendees,
young and old.
- What did you say? That's not my brother.
That's just a fake Santa, and they all look the same.
UNCLE KRIS: That's my sister, the mayor!
KIMMI: Mom?
- Oh, my goodness!
It looks like the mayor's daughter, and she's all scratched up.
MAYOR SPENGLER: Kimmi? It's me!
- The mayor has acknowledged the child,
and now the child has acknowledged the mayor.
This is definitely the mayor's daughter.
- [chuckles nervously] So? So? So what?
- Everyone's having a great time here except for the mayor.
Church sirens are ringing and everyone is singing...
- That's not a thing! - "Keep your hands up for Christmas."
- No! God damn it! - Keep your hands up for Christmas!
[crowd chanting "Keep your hands up for Christmas"]
- Put your hands down!
It's not a song!
A church doesn't have a siren!
- Sarah!
[snowball thudding] Sarah!
- Oh! Hags! HAGS: What the hell?
- I'm glad you came back!
I've been thinking about your dinner joke!
- You're a lunatic! Where's your niece?
Sarah, please! Sarah!
[snowball thuds] Come on, Sarah!
- It's some kind of a meta-commentary
on the way we consume meat in this country.
HAGS: Did you just run to another room? - Yeah.
- It's weird, bro! Really weird!
- Hags! Go away. Go home!
No, don't-- don't do the fucking card thing.
You spelled my name wrong, Hags. You put two As.
How drunk were you when you wrote these?
Why is that house smoking a cigarette? - What?
Okay, that's not what I meant to say.
Right, this is the one though.
This is what I've been wanting to say to you the entire night, Sarah.
Damn, I really was high and drunk when I wrote these.
Sarah, I just need you to listen to me.
SARAH: I don't wanna listen to you.
I don't wanna see you, and you clearly don't wanna see me.
You've been acting crazy.
- I'm acting crazy because I was scared, Sarah.
I thought because we were growing older
that our relationship wouldn't be able to work anymore.
- Well, maybe it doesn't.
- No, Sarah. See, that's what I learned tonight.
The love and the beauty of life doesn't just die because you get older.
It gets better.
Because you get to share those moments with the people you love the most.
- So you really weren't having an affair with the orphanage lady?
- Hell, no! I would never cheat on you. I love you!
And do you know how terrified I am of you?
- [laughs] Yeah, I do.
- I love you more and more every single day.
- [laughing] Hags.
HAGS: You will always be the prom queen to me.
Sarah Martin, will you marry me?
- What? Are you serious?
- I've never been more serious about anything my entire life.
- Yes!
HAGS: Yeah? Yeah?
- I had, literally, no idea.
Oh, my God. Which one did you get?
Did you get the one from my fucking vision board?
What? What? HAGS: What?
SARAH: What the fuck is this, Hags?
What the fuck?
- Aw, damn! Damn! Damn!
I lost your grandmom's ring!
- What'd you say, bitch?
♪ tense music playing ♪ [electronic beeps trilling]
- Sarah, your grandmom can control this?
- No, no, no. Watch out, watch out! Watch out!
My ice sculpture!
[ice sculpture shatters]
♪ Get your fucking hands up ♪
♪ EDM version of "Deck the Halls" playing ♪
- Kris, what are you doing here?
- I'm here to see my sister.
I can't spend another Christmas without my family!
- I understand that, but you were about to get out in, like, two weeks,
so now you're gonna be in there for a lot longer.
- You know what?
I don't care!
'Cause I'm here now with my family at Winter Wonderland
like it used to be, remember?
And now we're back just like normal.
- Just like normal. - Yeah.
[people cheering and whistling] [man coughing]
- [in a deep voice] Oh, shit! I think we Freaky Friday'd.
[screaming in a high pitch]
[Mayor Spengler laughing]
- Are you all right?
[cackling]
- Are you okay?
- I'm better than I've been in a very long time.
Guys, my brother might be a little bit odd.
- Yeah, he's insanely weird.
- Well, but he's still my brother,
and he made me realize that my family's not perfect.
But no family is.
But my brother, he busted his ass outta jail
to be here with us tonight, okay?
And if that's not the true meaning of this fucking holiday,
then I don't know what is!
[crowd cheering]
A wise woman once said,
"You can have a Monopoly on Christmas,
but without family, your life will be a real Twister."
- Who said that?
- I did.
MAN: Horrible quote.
- [laughs] Shoot him.
- I seriously need you to stop asking me to shoot people, Mayor.
- No, no, no, not mayor. Nope, not anymore.
I've spent too many years of my life being mayor.
I am just a normal everyday mother and sister
asking you to shoot that man dead
because I hereby announce that I'm dropping out of the race.
[crowd gasps]
That's right. And my final act as your mayor
is pardoning my brother.
♪ rousing music playing ♪ [crowd cheers and claps]
Now someone get me a goddamn drink 'cause it's been a terrible night.
Yes, thank you!
[crowd chanting "chug"]
[cheers fade out]
♪ tense music playing ♪
- Christmas Owl!
[crowd screaming]
- Okay. All right.
It's you and me, you son of a bitch.
[owl screeches] You got one chance.
You better make it good.
We knew it was gonna end up like this, didn't we, buddy?
Me and you, woman versus bird!
[owl screeching] Come on, come on!
[crowd gasps] [owl screeching]
♪ rousing music playing ♪
[owl hoots] It's beautiful.
It's beautiful!
[crowd cheering] ♪ lively cheery music playing ♪
[mouthing "thank you"]
CRAIG: It's a Christmas miracle!
The owl returned because the mayor learned her lesson!
- It is a Christmas miracle!
Everything worked out just as it was supposed to.
[crowd cheering]
Would you like to reclaim your throne?
- Yes, I would. And also, can you really pardon me?
- Oh, oh, not a chance in hell.
So after Christmas, you should probably flee the country.
- Oh, okay. - Okay.
- Yeah, that sounds cool. - Okay.
- Okay. Everybody, USA!
[crowd cheering and chanting "USA"]
All right, kids! Santa's here!
Hey, Sammy, how are you, bud?
All right.
Here, let me give you a gift.
- Thank you, Santa. Thank you.
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
GRANDMA RAY: Fourteen centuries of tradition,
priceless ring etched in lava!
- You son of a bitch! I wanted a Rubik's cube!
[Grandma Ray yells]
- Hey, Sammy. I know what you really want, and it's not in that bag.
You want a family of your own, and guess what?
[gasps] They're right over there.
- Five, six, seven, eight, nine kids.
- [gasps] Plus the two of us!
- Baby, we finally got our very own Ocean's Eleven.
We'll take 'em all.
- That's, literally, never going to happen.
- Well, we've already started naming them, so.
- We sure have.
DELRAY DONNA: Chandler, Phoebe. - Professor X, Scion.
- Mitsubishi. - JNCO Jeans.
- They already have names! They're like 12.
- Things were said tonight that I really-- - [crying] Deidre, Deidre, no, just--
- Please. - No, no.
- , my. DEIDRE: What?
What is-- What the fuck are you doing? - You are the best thing.
- Are you proposing?
I am not getting married again!
- [yelling] Hey, don't you talk to me like that!
From now on, I am the one
that is doing the yelling!
- Really? CRAIG: Really!
I'll take your ass to Maury!
- I love you, Craig! - Merry fucking Christmas!
- Your family's pretty crazy. - Yours is too.
- Fucking Christmas Owl. - Fucking Christmas Owl.
- Um, do you wanna be my plus one?
- Your plus one?
- Hags proposed to Sarah.
ANDREW: Holy shit. He really did it.
Did you know that every time a bell rings,
Angel gets his wings?
[bell tinkles]
- Got a Christmas delivery for ya.
- Bah! [officer gasps]
- I will tase you.
[Angel chuckles]
UNCLE KRIS: Dear Angel, used your mom's secret recipe.
Glad you finally got your wings. Love, Santa. Ho!
- I'll be damned.
Almost makes going to jail for killing 26 people worth it.
[bells ringing softly] [carolers humming]
- ♪ It's the best Christmas ever ♪
♪ So much love this time of year ♪
♪ When we can be together with presents and Christmas cheer ♪
♪ There's ho-ho-hos and mistletoes and bells are gonna ring ♪
♪ It's the best Christmas ever ♪
♪ When every single angel gets their wings ♪
NARRATOR: And so another Binge has come and gone.
Old family fences were mended.
New family bonds were erected.
And for the first time ever,
drugs were not only taken but embraced at the dinner table.
So make sure however you celebrate the holidays this season,
you aren't afraid to add a little bit of love,
a lotta bit of laughs,
and just a sprinkling of methamphetamines.
Merry Bingemas, everybody!
- ♪ Best Christmas ever Best Christmas ever ♪
♪ In Wonderland ♪
[alarm blaring]
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
♪ When there's no one who's on your side ♪
♪ Your dreams have died ♪
♪ Church sirens ringin' ♪
♪ There's ashes on the ground ♪
♪ Just remember on the darkest night ♪
♪ You're still alive ♪
♪ Keep your hands up high ♪
♪ Take my hand ♪
♪ We'll fly so far away on Santa's sleigh ♪
♪ Miracles still happen on Christmas Day ♪
♪ We'll be so high ♪
♪ We'll make a right turn on the Milky Way ♪
♪ When we come down ♪
♪ Just keep your hands up ♪
♪ Keep your hands up for Christmas Keep your hands up for Christmas ♪
- Well, I mean, that's why I'm investing in Titcoin.
You know, you gotta.
I mean, I was in the-- Oh, shit, we're on? Shit!
And with that, another Binge comes to a close.
We laughed. We cried.
I did peyote, I ate three lemons with the rinds on,
and I wrestled a snowman.
Truly, a poetic night.
What a great Christmas!
- Your camera person left hours ago.
- Okay, I don't talk to coyotes.
- You're talking to a nutcracker!
- [laughs] Okay, thank you, ma'am. I'm live.
I'm Soup Anderson, signing off with Channel 7 News.
Good night and good luck.
And I hope you get a good fuck.
[laughs] How's that? I added it just for fun.
[owl hooting]
♪ tribal drum music playing ♪
♪ When the angels dance and church sirens ring ♪
♪ And hearts around are opening ♪
♪ Who offers us Christmas blessings? ♪
♪ The Christmas Owl ♪
♪ Whose wisdom, dignity, and grace ♪
♪ Are found upon his feathered face ♪
♪ Whose talons lift the human race ♪
♪ Aloft the Christmas Owl ♪
♪ Hoo ♪
♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Swooping down from the heaven high ♪
♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ He spreads his wings on Christmas night ♪
♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ In peace and love and brotherhood ♪
♪ Hiya-na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ The Christmas Owl ♪
♪ The owl is good ♪
♪ The owl is great ♪
[owl hooting]