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[adventurous music playing]
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[door chime jingles]
[Ant-Man] Ooh! Sorry. Excuse me.
Pardon me, coming through.
How am I always the one that ends up on the food runs?
Hey! Look out!
Whoa! Okay, that's it.
Now, that's more like it.
Scott, can you take Thor's cape to the cleaners?
Scott, can you give Tony a ride to the award ceremony?
Scott, can you drop off Black Widow's spare stingers?
It's a lot of responsibility being the Ant-Man with a van.
Wait.
You've gotta be kidding me!
Someone stole my van?
[grumbling]
[angry grunt]
[tropical music playing]
[van alarm plays "La Cucaracha"]
Why does it continue to make that infernal noise?
[clears throat] Thanos, I was flattered
when you and your Chitauri guests requested a three-night stay
at my secret Hydra base and tropical resort.
[low growl] But that alarm on that van you brought is extremely annoying.
Make it stop!
[alarm fizzling]
The Quantum Tunnel.
With it, we shall travel into the past,
acquiring everything I need to defeat the Avengers.
Brilliant.
We shall increase our numbers,
strengthening our army,
and then we will retake the infinity stones.
[clapping]
Activate the Quantum Tunnel and prepare it for time travel.
Where, or should I say when, do we start?
To defeat Iron Man, we must fight iron with iron.
- Tony, are you okay? - [Iron Man] I'm fine, Pepper.
Listen, you've got to get out of there.
[rumbling]
[Iron Monger] Hello, Pepper Potts.
Tony, be careful!
[Iron Monger] No, you don't!
[grunts]
[Iron Man] Pepper!
[grunts]
[Iron Man] The bigger they come, the harder they fall.
Right, Iron Monger?
[grunts]
[chuckles]
- [screams] - [Iron Man] Put them down.
[grunts]
[shouts]
[grunts]
Oh! Might be time for some upgrades.
[Iron Monger] I've made a few upgrades of my own, Tony.
[Iron Man grunts]
[panting]
[Iron Monger] Nice knowing you.
- [Iron Man gasps] - [Iron Monger] What am I saying?
It wasn't nice knowing you at all.
[shouts]
[all hissing]
Who invited these guys?
- What? - [Iron Man] Hey!
Where are you taking him?
[sigh] Weird.
I mean, Iron Monger's gone, that's good.
But who were those...? Ah!
[horn beeps]
Ah, right.
I should probably get out of the street.
- [engine revs] - [tires squeal]
[grunts]
Obadiah.
Did you have a nice trip?
[Iron Monger] Who are you?
I'm the one who will upgrade Iron Monger,
giving you ultimate power.
Power which I will ask you to use
to get rid of Iron Man.
I was just about to destroy him!
No. No, no, no.
Iron Man was about to humiliate and defeat you.
I offer you otherworldly power.
Power that will enhance your armor,
giving you everything you need to eliminate Tony Stark.
Now, do you want to be upgraded
into the ultimate battle armor or not?
[Iron Man] It was stolen?
Thanks again for going on the snack run, Scott.
- I feel terrible about your van. - It's shocking, right?
Who would do such a thing?
Yeah, who in their right mind would steal that van?
Whoa. It's no Hulkbuster, Tony,
but that van is a sweet ride.
Hey, Scott, you didn't happen to have the Quantum Tunnel
in the back of the van, did you?
[slurps]
Yeah, so, about that.
Wait, someone stole the Quantum Tunnel? Can't they use that to...?
Travel through time causing trouble?
[slurps]
Yep.
This is bad news, Scott.
We've gotta find the van before it's too late.
Of course with time travel, it may already be too late.
Or too early? I'm so confused.
We've got to find that quantum tunnel.
Maybe there's a way we can do a search for quantum fluctuations
or Pym particles in the atmosphere.
Or we use the X-Con Security
FIND-MY-CAR Recovery App I installed in the van.
Why didn't you just use the app to begin with?
You can search for it on your phone?
Yeah. Neat, huh?
Oh, wrong app.
You took a selfie with the Statue of Liberty?
- Oh, like you wouldn't. - Yeah, you got me there.
How did my van end up on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean?
A better question is, who took your van to a deserted island?
And for what purpose?
[Thanos] Now is the time.
Go and retake the Tesseract.
I will do so with great pleasure.
Do not let your desire for revenge
distract you from your task.
[gulps] Yes, well,
by taking the Tesseract from Captain America,
I will have my revenge, won't I?
And so will you. [grunts]
Now, to go back in time and claim my victor...
Ah!
[groans] You will not stop me, Captain!
[grunts]
[thunderclap]
- Wait, what? - What is the meaning of this?
Greetings, my clever young self.
Hello, Captain America.
[evil laughter]
[thunder crashes]
[cackling]
Who are you?
I am you from the future.
And I have come back to help you defeat Captain America
and reclaim the Tesseract.
You cannot be me. I am me.
[sigh] I assure you,
I am you from the future.
[Captain America] Can you two figure this out?
We kind of have a battle going.
Yes, yes, yes, we will get to you in a moment.
May I suggest we defeat Captain America together,
after which I will tell you how to take over the entire world.
Maybe even the entire universe.
Agreed.
- Attack! - Attack!
[grunts]
- [rumbling] - Uh-oh.
[engine sputtering]
[engine droning]
Captain America is done for!
The future awaits me and the Tesseract!
Wait! What about me?
I am saving you by saving me.
[chuckles]
Wherever you came from,
you won't be going back with the Tesseract.
Ow!
No!
[grunts]
I take it from the lack of the Tesseract in your hands
that you have failed me, Red Skull.
Uh, on the contrary, Thanos.
I have brought you assured victory.
I have brought you a ruthless warrior, a brilliant tactician,
a cunning commander.
I've brought you myself.
What better than two Red Skulls as you march into battle?
Oh, stop! What are you... Ah!
I would have preferred the Tesseract.
How did I not see that coming?
[slurping]
[Ant-Man] Wow.
If it weren't for mysterious forces
potentially using my van
and the Quantum Tunnel for evil,
I'd say this reconnaissance mission
is like a total vacation.
I mean, look at that beach.
Looks like a postcard.
- Uh-oh. - Uh-oh, what?
[Ant-Man] This island's a Hydra resort?
Hydra base? Hydra resort base?
These guys not only stole my van,
but then they find time to relax?
- What gives? - Hydra?
All the way out there?
- [Ant-Man] Uh-oh. - What's wrong, Ant-Man?
Tons of Chitauri soldiers.
Wait, aren't these guys from outer space?
Why are they relaxing at the beach?
Ant-Man, keep looking around. We need to know who's in charge.
Gotcha. Oof! Ohh!
[bell dings]
I'm totally like a spy in a secret agent movie,
sneaking into a secret base.
[giggles] Whoa! Oof!
How cool is that?
Focus on the mission, Ant-Man.
[Ant-Man] Of course, Iron Man. I'm on it.
Agent Ant-Man ready and... Uh-oh.
[sighs] Why "uh-oh" now, Scott?
-[Ant-Man] I found my van. -[Steve] That's a good thing, right?
[Ant-Man] Yeah, but I also found out who stole it.
Red Skull?
[ominous music playing]
- Iron Monger? - [Ant-Man] Uh...
[both] Thanos?
- [slurping] - Mmm.
[groans]
One final addition remains to complete our forces,
after which I will crush the Avengers,
destroying their tower, their city.
I will take over this entire world,
and then I shall take over and rule the entire universe!
[sighs]
Uh-oh.
[Ultron cackling]
Is this the best you can do?
[Ultron] This is only a small sample of what I can do.
You just had to ask.
How can you possibly hope to stop me?
Together.
[roars]
[heroic music playing]
[grunting]
[roars]
[screams]
You know, on second thought...
- [roars] - [Ultron screams]
[shouts]
[screaming]
[stammering] Who are you?
I am Thanos,
and you're coming with me.
[stammering] Where are we going?
To a future that will soon be free of the Avengers.
[Natasha] What's this?
A little something I've been working on.
I figure with Thanos, Hydra and Iron Monger back,
we're gonna need some extra armored muscle.
If you're using this, who's using the Hulkbuster?
- You are. - Fun.
- I hope you can keep up. - I'll do my best.
Uh, I'm starting to feel a little left out.
Don't worry, Steve.
We're not finished with our little Tony Stark tour of armors.
Come on.
- Where are we? - Storage.
I got a few things tucked away down here,
including something my father made.
Something Howard made?
[Tony] Yeah.
It's a charming antique. Not unlike yourself, Cap.
[coughs] After all these years, are you sure this thing will work?
Oh, yeah, this armor packs a punch.
Want to try it on, see how it fits?
[majestic music playing]
Nobody makes 'em like Howard Stark.
Not even me.
You can say that again.
Okay, Avengers, let's save the world.
Oh, and get Ant-Man's van back.
[military drum music playing]
[Thanos] You have been gathered here
for a moment of greatness.
- [all] Yeah! - [drone] All right!
A moment where we will right the course of history.
[Ant-Man] Oh! My baby.
And destroy the Avengers once and for all!
[all cheering]
[Ant-Man] Hey, so, not to panic anyone,
but now there's an army of sentries.
Thanos is giving, if I may say, a very rousing speech.
We're almost there. Do something to stall them.
[Ant-Man] Me? Stall all of them?
Okay.
[groans]
I was saving this for a snack.
The combined Chitauri,
Ultron and Hydra forces
will attack Avengers Tower precisely at...
What is that?
That, Thanos, is a giant strawberry donut.
With sprinkles, no?
[gasps] We have an intruder!
You don't think I know that?
Hey, don't be so greedy. That was for everyone to share.
[growls]
You're outnumbered.
[Ant-Man] Oh boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
- Find him! - [Iron Man] Hey, Thanos.
You've got way more to worry about then finding Ant-Man.
I mean, if you ask me.
[Black Panther] Avengers, am I late to the party?
[Captain America] T'Challa, glad you could make it.
You guys. I mean, seriously?
You all came to help me get my van?
I'm... [sobs]
Oh, I'm just so moved.
You really are Earth's mightiest...
- Oh! - Hydra! Attack!
[tires screech]
[Iron Man] Incoming!
[Black Panther] Watch out. Incoming Chitauri, eleven o'clock.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Ant-Man] Could use some help down here.
[Hawkeye] Copy that, Ant-Man.
[all grunt]
[tires squeal]
[grunts]
[adventurous music playing]
[Black Widow] Widow smash!
Always wanted to say that.
[Iron Man] Got a little surprise for you.
[tires screech]
Didn't see that coming, did you?
- [yells] - [grunts]
Didn't see that coming, did you?
[screams]
- How about some help, Iron Man? - Thanks, Wanda.
- [groans] - Let's do this.
[growls]
[grunts]
[yelling]
[Captain America grunts]
[tires squeal]
I can do this all day.
- [tires screech] - [yells]
[Red Skull cackles]
Fire!
[Red Skull cackling]
[gasps]
[blows]
Thanks, buddy.
Captain America called me "buddy."
Oh, that is so...
[sharp groan]
[Ultron cackles]
[grunts]
[blasters firing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Black Panther] There are too many.
Abandoning ship.
- How about a lift, T'Challa? - Thank you, Hawkeye.
[heroic music playing]
[yells and grunts]
[grunts]
[electricity crackling]
[grunts]
It's not having an effect. He's too powerful.
[grunts]
[Captain America grunts]
Look out!
[Ant-Man] Come on, Scott. Come on, think of something. Your friends need you.
What do I have?
One shrink disc left. I can't do much with that. Or can I?
Hey, Avengers, I need everyone to retreat.
I have a really, really cool idea.
[grunts] Are you sure?
I feel like we're doing pretty good.
[Ant-Man] Yeah, trust me, I've got this.
Avengers Disassemble. Get to safety.
Disassemble? He got my line wrong.
[Black Widow] Come on, Steve.
[grunting]
Iron Man.
Wanda. Go.
[roars]
[yells]
[grunting]
Get out of here, Thor. I got this.
I cannot let you face Thanos on your own.
Sorry, Thor. No time to argue.
My friend! Ho!
You have the grip of a frost giant.
[Ant-Man] Aw, my baby.
Ant-Man missed his van.
Now, how about we all have a little stress reduction?
[Thanos, in squeaky voice] You'll all suffer the wrath
of the great Thanos!
You know, from up here,
all our problems suddenly seem so small.
You did not just make that joke.
What? It's all in the delivery. Hilarious, if you ask me.
[Ant-Man] We did it, everybody!
[Black Widow] Why didn't you shrink the island
in the first place?
[laughs] I don't know.
I never thought about shrinking
an entire island before.
[Captain America] Fair enough.
[van alarm plays "La Cucaracha"]
I wanted to thank everyone again for helping me get my van back.
And for, you know, saving the world and everything.
So I went on another donut run.
A victor's feast, Ant-Man.
So, what did you do with the island?
Well, Iron Man helped me out with a little something,
and it turns out I totally have a new hobby.
Who knew one day I would own an entire island resort?
[tropical music playing]
- [growls] - [Tony] Yeah.
A resort packed with little, tiny, angry guests.
[roars]
- [tinny, high-pitched roaring] - Yeah.
[Thanos, in high voice] How dare you imprison me?
- Who's a little tyke? - I am the mighty Thanos!
[adventurous music playing]