- Hi! - Where the hell were you?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Macey.
- Did I miss the meeting? - Yes, of course you missed it.
You're an hour late. Where were you?
I don't know.
I was just fucking around at home, watching shit.
I lost track. I'm really sorry.
So, what did the bank manager say?
Well, he said they're not gonna give us a new loan,
and unless we come up with the repayments, they're gonna shut down the cafe.
What? Did you try to convince them? Did you beg?
Yes, I begged. He wasn't interested.
Well, did you show him your tits?
What? No, I didn't show him my tits.
Ugh! These people!
You know what? You stay right here.
- What are you gonna do? - Just stay there!
Oh, my God.
All right, Macey. All right, walk fast.
- What did you do? - Walk fast.
I took his mug of coffee and I threw it in his face.
Oh, my God! Whose?
What do you mean whose? The bank manager's.
- But that's not our bank. - What?
Then why the fuck were you standing outside that bank?
Because I was waiting to meet you.
I didn't know you were gonna throw coffee in someone's face!
We should probably move faster because I also kicked him in the balls.
What?
Don't look back. They're coming.
We're gonna get arrested!
So, how are things going with Geoff?
Uh... Great, actually.
Yeah, I mean, I really feel like
I've finally met someone special, you know?
I know we haven't been together very long,
but, yeah, we're so connected.
That's amazing.
I mean, even if he is fucking boring, who cares?
You like him, and that's what matters.
Geoff's not boring.
No, he's a good guy with moral values and emotional sensitivity.
Yeah, that's what I meant. Fuckin' boring.
Oh. Wow!
Hey, sis.
Wow, what the fuck is this supposed to be?
Iggwilv from Dungeons & Dragons, obviously.
You do know you're an adult now, don't you?
Well, when are you gonna join me for a game?
How about next never in a million years?
- Be careful. - I will join you in a game.
- Okay, but don't touch my... - Oh. Sorry.
Just go. No! Don't...
- Hey, Mom! - Oh, hey.
- Hi. - Muah!
Good to see that Ellen's still making the most of her life.
Well, be nice to her. She's your sister.
Half-sister.
You know, you should just try to spend a little time with her.
She would love that.
Maybe if she was a little less of a freak.
Oh, God, Mom, seriously, our cousins?
Don't you lose your appetite every time you open the fridge?
You used to like your cousins.
Beatrice was Macey's best friend,
and Richard, he loved you.
Ugh! Yeah, in a weird, creepy, totally inappropriate way for cousins.
Anyway, what's up? You said you had news.
Oh, I had news...
Oh, yes, Aunt Hilda's dying.
What's wrong with her?
- She has cancer. - Ugh! Where?
Everywhere. Lung, liver, colorectal.
Which one's that, the asshole?
Don't talk with your mouth full.
So, anyway, I just thought that I should tell you girls
so that you could send a card or, I don't know, whatever.
Saying what? "Sorry you're dying"?
Honestly, I don't know, and I don't really care.
Mom, she's your sister.
Well, I know, but you know what a cunt she is.
- So, who wants tea? - Yes, please.
Listen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Uh, I highly doubt it. Why, what are you thinking?
That we need to go see Aunt Hilda.
What for? Give her some flowers or something?
Yeah, take her some flowers,
and get our hands on that inheritance money.
Are you crazy?
Aunt Hilda is never gonna write us into her will.
- She doesn't even like us. - She doesn't like anybody.
Yeah, but she really doesn't like us, though.
She hates Mom, and we're all connected, so...
Yeah, but maybe if we go see her and cozy up to her...
You know, be nice to her or whatever.
Savanna, I'm never gonna do that.
Come on. It is such a good opportunity.
I mean, who else is she gonna leave her money to?
She never had kids. She doesn't talk to her own sisters.
Our cousins live in different states.
She doesn't even like animals!
I don't wanna be a will hunter, Savanna, it's...
But we'd be good will hunters!
'Cause it's for a good cause.
What? What cause?
Us! Jesus, Macey, keep up.
I mean, how else are we gonna get money?
In case you haven't noticed, our business is going down the tubes
and our lives are falling apart.
I'm going to see Geoff.
Will you at least think about it?
Macey! Think about it!
Will you think about it, please?
Come on, Macey!
At least think about it.
Macey, will you think about it?
Macey, think about it!
Macey, please think about it!
At least think about it! Macey!
Oh!
- Hi! - Hey!
What are you doing here?
Well, I... I was in the area.
Thought I'd drop by and bring you a sandwich.
That's so sweet of you.
Oh! And it's beef and tomato! Yay!
Yeah, you said you liked it, so...
I love it...
A lot.
What's wrong?
They're moving me to Alaska.
What?
They're making me go for this project,
and my boss said if I don't go then I'll lose my job.
Oh, my God... Uh...
How long do you have to go for?
A year!
Oh, Jesus.
I mean, um,
can you not go and get another job or...
I wish I could, but I gotta pay for Janey's college.
- Yeah, right. - And I got the alimony payments.
Yeah.
I just don't have a choice.
I don't want to go to Alaska.
- It's freezing there. - I know.
There's nothing to do there.
Honey, come here. Come here.
- I don't even have a warm coat. - We'll work it out.
I have to go shopping. I hate shopping.
- Hey, Joe. - Hey.
- Where's Savanna? - She's upstairs.
Hey.
Remember what this place used to be?
You know, open until 4:00 a.m.
Place was pumping with people.
Dad loved it so much
he wanted to be buried in the cemetery across the street.
But, I don't know.
Now, I guess, the bank will tear it down
and put a strip mall here.
So, Dad will be buried next to a strip mall.
Okay.
Okay what?
Okay, let's... Let's go see Aunt Hilda.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, yes! Thank you!
- Oh, God, I'm sorry! - No, it's okay.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Let's go get fucking rich from that dying old bitch!
Oh, my God. I don't remember it being so big.
Yeah, it's huge.
- All right, we can do this. - Can we?
Oh, yeah. Yep, yep.
Hi! Hi, sir. We're...
I am not coming back! Do you hear me?
You can get yourself someone else to treat like shit.
Go fuck yourself! You're useless anyway!
You fuck yourself!
Oh...
I don't know about this.
Oh, shut up, it's gonna be great.
What are we gonna say?
Who is it?
It's Macey and Savanna, Aunt Hilda.
- Who? - Macey and Savanna, your nieces.
Oh, yuck.
What the hell do you two want?
Uh, we... We came to visit you.
We heard you weren't well.
No, I'm not well. I'm fucking dying.
Right. Exactly.
So we thought we would come and cheer you up.
And you think the sight of you two is gonna cheer me up.
You can help with the bag at least.
Sure. Yes. That's what we're here for, to help, Aunt Hilda.
- This bag? - No, not that bag.
My colostomy bag.
It's about ready to burst all over the place.
Well, Macey's really good with that stuff, aren't you Macey?
Um...
Let me just...
Oh, I see.
Yeah, can you believe this?
Of all the people I would've liked to see die,
and it turns out to be me.
Well, eventually, it just comes for us all, you know?
In the end, you just end up rotting in the earth,
getting eaten by maggots and worms.
But maybe there is a heaven and hell.
Not that you would be going to hell.
No way. You'd be going straight to heaven, I bet.
You know, with all the angels and fairies and shit...
Could you shut up?
By the way, we... We brought you some flowers.
- Right, Savanna? - Yes. Yes, we did.
Hey, why don't you put those over there with the others.
Ah.
Oh!
Wow! Where did these come from?
Your cousin, Beatrice, brought them.
Oh! Cousin Beatrice.
She sent them from New York, huh?
No, she brought them.
- What do you mean? - She arrived yesterday.
Cousin Beatrice is here, like actually in the house?
Are you dim? Yes, she's in the house.
She's in the kitchen. She's making soup.
Aunt Hilda, the soup is nearly...
Oh! Savanna and Macey!
It's so good to see you guys.
God. Honey, look at your skin.
God, that last divorce really took it out of you, huh?
Oh...
I came as soon as I heard the awful, awful news.
I just thought if there was any way... Excuse me.
...that I could be of help to Aunt Hilda.
Oh!
How is that pressure? Is it good?
Yes, it... It actually is.
I'm gonna give you a proper foot rub right after lunch.
Okay. Let me go get that soup.
- We'll give you a hand. - That's okay. I got it.
Macey, come on. Soup!
Sorry.
What the fuck are you doing here?
What do you mean?
We haven't seen you in over a decade,
and yet you're here within five minutes of Aunt Hilda's diagnosis.
Well, that just goes to show how much Aunt Hilda means to me.
Do you think we look like fucking idiots?
Do you really want me to answer that question?
We know why you're here, Beatrice.
You're trying to get your grubby hands on Aunt Hilda's inheritance.
My gosh! I came out of the goodness of my heart.
Your heart's made out of charcoal.
We learned that when you stole Macey's boyfriend at prom.
- Leave it, Savanna. - Who, Adam Brodsky?
I didn't steal him. He was obsessed with me.
God, are you still hanging onto that?
Oh, my God!
You weren't just Macey's cousin, you were her best friend,
and you stabbed her in the back!
Do you know that she cried for two weeks straight?
She cried so much she was puking.
She was just a mess of tears and puke.
God, it actually made me physically ill just to look at her.
Okay, thanks, Savanna.
Why are you so fixated on the inheritance?
Do you think that you should be getting it?
Well, at least we've been here,
and gone to every single hideous family occasion
while you've been missing in action.
That's true, but you seem to be forgetting one thing.
What's that?
That Aunt Hilda thinks that the sun shines out of my ass.
And she thinks that the two of you are a couple of dipshits.
So...
- Soup's ready. - Oh, this is my husband, James.
Hi.
These are the cousins that I told you about.
- Oh. - Remember when we drove into town,
and they had the white cafe?
Well, it used to be white.
James is a chef.
Um, he makes actual food.
- You know, not just buns and stuff. - Very hot.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you both.
Um...
Can you believe her? She hasn't changed at all!
Oh, I know. She looks amazing.
That's not what I meant!
No. I'm talking about how she's a fucking conniving bitch
who's trying to take our money.
I think you're overreacting.
I mean, I know Beatrice can be clever and scheming and probably a little evil,
but she's just one person, right?
Hey, cuzzes! How you doing?
- No! Jesus. - Shit.
Oh, God. He is coming to stay.
- No. - Whazzup?
For fuck's sake, not you, too.
I came as soon as I got Aunt Hilda's email about her diagnosis.
So sad.
- You and Aunt Hilda email each other? - Yeah, totes.
We email, text, WhatsApp. All the apps.
I wouldn't lose touch with Aunt Hilda. I'm not a complete idiot.
Macey. Mercy!
You are looking...
mer-ty, mer-ty, mer-ty fine.
Oh, my God.
Anyhoo, I'll see you gals inside.
Aunt Hildy!
- Fuck! - My God. I think we have to leave.
This whole thing is just way too much.
And let those assholes get Aunt Hilda's money
without us putting up a fight?
No. Leaving is exactly what we are not going to do.
Also, I want some of that soup. It smells fucking delicious.
Come on, Macey.
Come on!
- Lovely soup, James. - Oh, thank you.
James has a new restaurant. It's really up and coming.
Well, it has its ups and downs, actually...
No, it doesn't.
It's doing great.
That's an interesting painting, Aunt Hilda. Where'd you get it?
I found that at a flea market a few years ago.
It's called Dog.
Right. Nice.
There was something about it.
The look of abandonment in its face.
Yeah, it's so depressing.
It always reminded me of you, Macey.
Speaking of, I was so sad
to hear about the breakdown of your relationship...
What was it, your third, fourth husband?
- I've lost track. - Second.
I heard this one ran off with a prostitute.
I mean, that's gotta be horrendous.
No, actually, she wasn't a prostitute. She was a dancer.
- You mean a stripper? - Um, I don't know.
Well, we can probably work it out.
When she was dancing, was she naked?
I think she may have been, yep.
So, that's a stripper.
Okay, fine. She was a stripper then.
Yeah, and as it turns out,
a lot of strippers are willing to do prostitution on the side
if you pay them, so...
- Oh. Are they, Richard? - Totally.
So, my guess is that
your husband was going to see her dance on the evenings,
and then started to pay her to have sex.
They built up a relationship, and they fell in love.
It's actually... It's pretty romantic.
It could be a movie. I think it is a movie.
It's... it's actually... it's Pretty Woman, isn't it?
It's a goddamn fairytale.
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Sweet. - Yeah.
Well, hopefully he didn't catch any STDs and bring them home to you,
because yeesh.
None that I know of.
You know, if you get any discolored, putrid-smelling discharge,
coming from down there, you might wanna get it checked out.
You know, you don't want to be chronically infected in the old hoo-ha.
Uh, James, um, how long have you and Beatrice been together?
- Oh. Two years. - Oh. So still in the honeymoon phase?
I don't think that lasted the honeymoon.
That's a joke.
So, Richard, what do you do for work?
- Call me "Dick," guy. I like Dick now. - Oh, Dick.
- Oh, you like Dick now? - I prefer Dick.
I'm an entrepreneurial investor.
Right now, I'm heavily leveraged into a really exciting thing
that I could tell you all about,
but then I'd have to kill you.
No, no, no. I'll... I'll tell ya.
It's a mirror app that turns your phone into a mirror.
So when you're out, you know, and you don't have a mirror with you,
you wanna check your face, your makeup, your teeth, any spinach in there,
now you got a mirror. Just hit the app.
But you can just put your camera phone to flip,
and then it basically works like a mirror.
- You know? - I think that would work, yeah?
Well, it does work. We have that.
- Hmm. - Oh.
Aunt Hilda, I'd love to say a few words, if I may?
- Here we go. - You were always, always my favorite aunt.
In the summers, I used to love coming here.
It was so much fun.
In a lot of ways, I feel like you were...
I don't know, more of a mother to me than my own mother.
And I just wanna say thank you
that I can be here for you in your hour of need,
to look after you and your affairs.
I also love you more than my own mother.
In fact, I think of you more as my mother, and I think of myself as your son.
In fact, I think you may be
the best person, all around, that I've ever known.
And that's... That's all I wanted to say really.
Really?
Well, I think I'm ready to go up to bed.
Oh, Aunt Hilda, Macey and I can take you.
- Yeah, absolutely. - I got it.
- This is my job. - I got it.
- I always do it. - Well...
Stop!
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Beatrice can take me.
Excuse me.
Well, thank you for the luncheon.
Rest well.
Easy does it.
You know, I'm gonna go with, in case you need muscle. I'm right here.
Macey. Macey, Macey. We need to stay here.
- Oh, God. Is that really necessary? - Of course!
We need to keep an eye on fucking Beatrice and Dick.
Find a way to get Aunt Hilda out from under their influence.
How are we gonna do that? They're all over her.
That's what I gotta figure out, okay?
- I'm gonna go get some air. - Okay.
- I'll go get the stuff from the car. - Thank you.
Macey.
How ya doing?
Phew! Did it just get hot in here?
Ooh!
Whoo.
You forget how hot it is, you know?
Hey, I really am sorry about what's-his-name.
I mean, have sex with prostitutes by all means,
but don't fall in love with them.
That's just sick.
You deserve a real man to take care of you.
Well, I... I have a real man now. One that's not a relative.
The guy who cries?
How do you know he cries?
Everyone knows. Everyone's talking about it.
Oh, my God.
Listen, Macey, I have always had a vision of you
ever since I saw you
changing into your bathing suit that summer.
When you were peering through my window like a total creep?
That's your interpretation.
Come on.
We have always had a thing.
- You and me, you know that. - Yeah, yeah.
Our thing being that we're in the same family.
But we're just cousins. Cousins are fair game.
Richard, no they're not. Where did you get that idea?
Call me "Dick" now, please. I go by Dick.
I've done extensive research. I've checked.
You know there are entire porn sites dedicated solely to cousin-fucking?
There's cuzbang.com,
cuzfuck.com, kissingcousins.com, cuzlove.org,
which is kind of a surprise, very romantic.
Oh, my God. That's it? That's your justification?
- Porn sites about cousin-fucking? - Not entirely.
I'm just saying, the world is changing fast, you know.
First there was the gays, and then there was the trans people.
Who knows what's coming down the pipe next?
We don't want to be on the wrong side of history, you and me.
I don't think that's the same thing somehow.
Why are you putting up obstacles between us?
I'm not. They're there.
The obstacles are there in the fact that we are blood-related.
Well, just put aside the possible ick factor for one second.
We could team up. We could get Aunt Hilda's money together.
Just you and I. We could ride off into the sunset.
We could live together. Maybe even have some kids.
Not naturally, you know, in case they came out weird,
but we could adopt.
I'm gonna take that as a maybe.
Yeah, that's a maybe.
Shh, shh!
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
- Shh! - Oh, shit.
We're gonna take Aunt Hilda out.
No. It's 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah, I know,
but we have to get her out of the house before those parasitic fuckers wake up.
- Oh, my God. - Come on.
No.
Aunt Hilda?
- She's completely comatose. - Good.
Looks like she had half a bottle last night.
Excellent.
Okay, now, we just need to get her in the chair
and get her downstairs.
- Seriously? - Yeah, why? What's the problem?
The problem is this all feels a little weird,
and an awful lot like kidnapping.
Will you quit putting labels on everything?
Now, okay, just get her feet.
- Take her feet? - Why don't you take her feet?
- I will next time. - Next time?
How many times are we gonna do this?
- Let's just hurry up, okay? - What... What's going on?
- Aunt Hilda. - Nothing.
It's all good. It's all good. You just relax, okay?
- Oh, God. Someone's awake. Fuck. - Oh, Jesus.
- We have to hurry. - Right.
- Here we go. - Wait...
You just sleep...
Beatrice, what are we doing? It's not even 6:00 a.m.
Aunt Hilda loves your scones,
which is why you need to get going and make them.
Can't we make them later and we'll have them for lunch?
Scones are a breakfast item.
Do you not appreciate how much money is involved here?
Yeah, but it's not our money.
Not our money yet, which is why you need to make the goddamn scones.
What was that?
Aunt Hilda?
What the fuck?
Aunt Hilda's gone.
- She's dead? - No, she's not dead.
Those idiots took her!
Am I still making the scones?
- Get the... - Sorry, sorry...
Sorry.
- Slow down. - Okay.
Richard!
- Get up, fuck face! - Lady Gaga!
They're taking Aunt Hilda!
There we go.
Yes. All right. Okay.
Hey!
Shit.
- This stupid car! Yes! - Yeah!
- What's Beatrice doing? - She's just waving us off.
Yeah, wave back, wave back. Bye, Beatrice!
See ya later. Bye!
Ow.
Take me home. I want to go back to sleep.
Oh, come on, Hilda. It is a beautiful morning.
You can sleep when you're dead... Tired!
You can sleep when you're dead tired.
- Where the hell are you taking me, anyway? - Oh... You'll see.
It's gonna be a really nice surprise.
Where are we actually taking her?
Okay. Last night, I came up with a great plan.
We're taking her to see Mom.
What? Savanna, that's a terrible idea. They hate each other.
That's why it's a brilliant idea.
We need to bring about a reconciliation.
If Mom and Hilda make up,
then there's no reason she can't give us the estate.
- Um, Aunt Hilda... - That's like...
Do you want some breakfast? I made you a sandwich.
Ugh!
That's disgusting!
Why have you brought me to this shithole of a dump?
There's someone here who wants to say hi.
Okay, here goes.
- Hey. - Hi.
What's going on?
We brought Aunt Hilda here to meet with Mom for a reconciliation.
Uh... Are you gonna stick around?
Oh, hell no. I got a D&D convention on Zoom.
- A really important one. - Yeah. All right.
Well, you'd better get going,
'cause that sounds like something you don't wanna miss.
Exactly. All right, see ya.
Pickle juice?
- Okay, Mom, Mom. - What?
Do you remember the plan? You need to be nice.
I know how to be nice.
I know, but you know how Aunt Hilda can be a tad abrasive at times.
You know, you just don't let her get to you.
- Keep your cool. - Wait, I'll help you.
You can help me by taking me back home.
Honey, I taught sixth graders for 34 years.
I think I can handle my sister, thank you very much.
- Yeah, but she really gets to you. - Oh, look,
I'm as cool as a cucumber.
- Okay. - All right.
Good. All right.
Now what the fuck is she doing here?
Aunt Hilda, Mom has something she'd like to say to you.
- Don't you, Mom? - Oh, yeah!
Yeah, I'm keen to hear
what kind of shit she's gonna spew out of her mouth.
Well, you know what?
Why don't you shut your fucking mouth, you fucking bitch!
- Mom, Mom, Mom! - Fuck you!
You were always jealous of me! Always!
Oh, yeah! And what do I have to be jealous of you for?
Oh! Oh, wait. This shit little house.
I don't know. Maybe because I'm younger or prettier,
or maybe because Dad always loved me more than you!
- Oh, fuck you! Fuck you! - Okay, okay!
- I'll kill you, you fucking whore! - Oh, yeah?
Bring it on, bitch!
- Ow! Hey! - Let go!
- Let go of that. - Mom! Let go of that.
Mom! Mom! Mom! No, no, no!
- Mom! - Get in the house!
- Are you okay?
Okay. Oh, my God.
She is fucking crazy! I told you, I told you before.
- I know. I'm sorry. - Oh, my God!
You eat this, bitch!
No, Mom! No!
Well, I guess that didn't work out as well as I'd hoped.
No, I guess not.
Hey, Don. Yeah, yeah, it's Dick.
Yeah, I just had a note on the mirror app
that you had me pump a shitload of money into.
Yeah.
People have cameras on their fucking phones, you idiot!
Aunt Hildy. "I'm glad I have someone I can trust with my estate when I'm gone."
I knew those emails would work!
God damn it! Yes!
Ow.
Oh, Aunt Hilda, we missed you!
- My liege. - Get me away from them.
Did you not have a nice morning?
No, I did not. It was fucking awful.
Gosh, that's such a shame.
- Let me get you away from them. - Fuck off.
How about I make you a drink in the garden?
Hey, Macey. Have you given any thought to what I talked about last night?
Oh, Jesus Christ, Richard, I'm really trying not to.
That means you're thinking about it.
Aunt Hilda, how was dinner?
Oh!
It was a hell of a lot better than that shit and lettuce sandwich
they tried to make me eat.
No wonder your cafe's down the fucking toilet, hmm?
Well, you seem to have caught the sun today, Hilda.
You got a little bit of a glow.
It's jaundice.
Oh. Well...
It looks good on you.
Sorry I'm late.
I was just out buying flowers for my favorite aunt.
- Oh! Thank you. - Yes, oh...
And a berry Chantilly cake.
I remember you told me it was your favorite one.
So, that's actually two gifts, if you're keeping score.
Well, James and I brought you something.
I was looking at pictures of my mom and dad's
and I found some of you and the family,
and I thought I'd make you a photo album.
Well, that is actually a thoughtful gift.
There's pictures of you as a baby.
Oh.
And then on the next page, pictures of you with your mom and dad.
Oh, my!
Your friends.
- Right there. - Oh! Oh!
That's me and my buddy from high school.
That is Bill Dunther!
Oh, my God! I had such a crush on him.
For a young man, he just had some...
He had this sexual energy. Yeah.
Oh, boy.
I would love to be with a man again.
To have his hands all over me.
To feel him inside me.
Bill Dunther wanted to be inside me, let me tell ya.
The looks he used to throw me in math class... Whoo!
But I never let him.
Now, I'll probably never
feel a man inside me again.
Well, I don't know, Aunt Hilda.
You're an attractive woman.
If I wasn't your nephew, I'd be only too happy to be inside you.
Well, it's a lovely gift, Beatrice. Thank you.
And thank you, Richard.
It's nice to know I have some decent relatives.
Aww.
Thank you.
Oh. Huh.
This is a disaster.
How are we supposed to compete with them?
I know exactly how.
- Bill Dunther. - What?
Yeah, the guy she liked at school, that she wanted inside her.
We find him and we bring him here.
But we don't know where he is. I mean, he could be dead for all we know.
Well, if he's not dead, then we lure him here
to give Auntie a little good dicking.
Oh, no. Stop talking like that. You're making me imagine it.
Oh, God, you're right. I just imagined Aunt Hilda's vagina. Damn.
Come on, let's go look him up.
Stop thinking about Aunt Hilda's vagina!
- Okay. - Let's go!
Oh, my God.
- I got him. - No way!
Look, Bill Dunther, 70 years old, went to the same high school as Hilda,
lives 15 miles away!
That's amazing! Okay!
So we'll go and see him first thing tomorrow morning.
Wow, Savanna. Do you think maybe we really do have a shot at this?
Are you fucking kidding me?
If we get her laid by her high school crush,
of course we have a shot!
Shit.
- What if he doesn't want to? - Macey, stop worrying.
No, I'm serious. It's gonna go great.
We get this right,
Aunt Hilda will be getting fucked by dinnertime.
- She's gonna love it. - Okay.
She'll be so happy and relaxed.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck, they're gonna get Hilda laid.
God, that is so smart.
Shit!
Is it that bad?
Yes, it's that bad! Oh, my gosh!
I mean, this puts them in an amazing position.
Unless...
Unless what?
Unless we get Hilda laid before they do.
Oh. Right, sure.
Let's just drive around and we'll look for somebody
that looks like they're up for having sex with a dying old lady.
No, no. Seriously though, listen.
We find a homeless guy. There's tons of homeless guys around.
Pay him some money. Clean him up. Make him look respectable.
You want to find a homeless man
and pay him to have sex with Aunt Hilda?
You're right. It's a terrible idea. Ugh. Hilda hates the homeless.
- James? - Yeah?
Have you ever thought about having sex with an older woman?
What do you mean, like a MILF?
GILF?
Why are you asking me that?
Oh, my God, Beatrice! Have you lost your damn mind?
No, look, if Macey and Savanna get her laid before we do,
then she's gonna favor them, and she might leave them the estate.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
I mean, I don't know. Is it such a big deal?
My having sex with your Aunt Hilda is not a big deal?
I don't know. Close your eyes. Pretend you're with somebody else.
Stick it in and out a few times. Come in two seconds. Cry.
Do whatever you do with me.
What? What, what?
Look, I agreed to join this family circus of insanity to support you,
and I will wake up at 5:30 in the morning and make the damn scones,
but there's a line.
And that line is crossed
when I'm being farmed out as a fuckboy to geriatric members of your family.
It's millions of dollars.
Well, it could be billions of dollars and it doesn't matter,
because it's not enough for me to have sex with your Aunt Hilda.
I am not a fuckboy!
You are so selfish!
Selfish!
What the hell is going on in this house?
No, it's just a fight. We're just... It's no big deal.
No, I'm not interested in your relationship.
I just saw Macey and Savanna leaving and they looked very excited.
Yeah, I'll tell you what they're excited about.
They're gonna get Hilda a date.
A what?
What, a date? What?
Yes, a date.
They're gonna get themselves written into the will,
and you and I are gonna be fucked.
What if the will's already written?
Doesn't matter because she can change her mind.
It only matters who's in the will at the moment she dies.
You're an idiot.
Hmm.
The moment she dies...
Yoo-hoo, Aunt Hilda?
It's only me. Your favorite nephew.
Oh, what is it, Richard?
Well...
I really appreciated your message.
Ah.
Not that I care about the inheritance,
because I don't.
I only care about you.
And I just think it was a...
It was just a really sweet gesture.
Oh. Well, you've always been really good about staying in touch.
Yes, I have.
Oh!
This has got the morphine going here.
You got the good stuff. How's that treating you?
- Oh, I just had a shitload. - Whoa!
Any more, I'd probably overdose.
- Oh! Overdose? - Yeah.
The doctor set really strict limits and I am there.
What do doctors know?
You know, they're just overly cautious
because they're afraid of lawsuits and shit like that.
But, you know, I'm sure you could get yourself a little bump.
- Just bump it up a little bit. - No!
No, even a little more could kill me.
Yeah, would that be such a bad thing?
What?
It would be for me
because I'd be devastated,
but I'd also be happy knowing that you were at peace,
that you had nothing to worry about anymore,
that you were out of pain.
Just slip into a long, happy sleep.
Oh.
Talking about sleep...
- Yeah? - Would you plump my pillows?
Oh.
Sure.
Yeah.
Ah!
Richard?
Hey...
Just plumping up Aunt Hilda's pillows here.
That's all. Here you go, Aunt Hilda.
Nice and plump.
- There you go. - Oh! Good.
- Thanks. - Yep.
Okay. All yours.
Maybe we should lock the door. Do you hear me?
What is this place?
I don't know, but let's make it quick.
Was that guy on drugs?
Oh, yeah. He's fucked out of his tits.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what is that smell?
Who would live here?
Us if we don't get the inheritance.
Savanna, Savanna. That guy is really looking at us.
- Hello. - Don't wave at everybody.
Okay.
Just wait.
Ah!
- Oh, hi. Hello. - Are you Bill Dunther?
Who are you?
Well, I'm Savanna and this is my sister, Macey.
We were just wondering if we could have a little chat.
Chat? You're not the police, are you?
No. No.
All right. Come on in.
Thank you.
Ah.
I'd have cleaned up a little
if I'd have known I was gonna have some company.
But y'all have a seat if you'd like to there and relax.
It's... Hey, will... Can I get you a coffee?
Oh, no, no. No, thank you.
I'd just prefer to not, you know, touch things.
Yeah, well, and what was this about now?
Well, Bill, we have a question for you.
How would you feel about going on a date?
With you?
No. God, no. No, no. No, with our aunt.
With your aunt?
Yes, you see, you and our aunt went to high school together.
Sadly, she does not have long left to live.
But her dying wish was to see you.
Ah! See me, huh?
Yeah, yeah. I know, it's a little weird.
But she still speaks fondly of you from school.
Her name's Hilda Beauchamp.
Hilda Beauchamp.
Hilda Beauchamp! Hilda Beauchamp.
Oh! You remember her!
No. No.
Well, it was a long time ago.
Anyway, as I was saying, um, she would love to see you before she goes.
Wow.
So, what do you think?
Would you like to make a dying woman's wish come true?
Yeah, I don't think so.
Oh, no. Why not?
Well, I don't get involved with women anymore. No.
They've caused me too much trouble. No.
Well, that's the beautiful thing about this situation.
You don't have to worry about getting involved
because she's gonna be dead soon.
Well...
Thank you, but you should probably find someone else.
It's okay, yeah.
Oh. But you're the one she wants to see.
Oh, I understand. I understand, but it's just not for me.
- I'm sorry. - What if we paid you $200?
- What? - Yeah, what?
Well, it'll be enough to buy you some food and some cleaning supplies.
Two hundred dollars, yeah!
Ah, great! All right, it's... It's a date then.
Hey, do you mind?
Can I just ask you out of interest, what is this place?
Oh, this place? It's a... It's a half-way house.
Like for alcoholics?
No, no, no. Sex offenders.
Sorry, uh...
Did you say sex offenders?
Yeah, yeah, this is where they house us when we come out of prison.
- Yeah. - Right.
Nice, I think. It doesn't stink.
Can you just give my sister and I one second to...
Jesus Christ, Savanna.
This is a halfway house for sex offenders!
Yeah, I know. I heard.
That means he's a sex offender.
- Most likely. - Right.
So, obviously, we can't set Aunt Hilda up on a date with a sex offender.
- Can't we? - What do you mean, "Can't we"?
Well, I don't know. He doesn't seem like one of the bad ones.
He's a sex offender. They're all bad.
For all we know, he could be a murdering rapist.
Bill, you're not a murdering rapist, are you?
No, I got caught exposing myself to people in public.
See? There you go.
He just got caught exposing himself to people in public.
Oh. "Just"?
Yes, well, it's something I used to do when I was drinking.
I don't drink anymore. Yeah. I'm not proud of it.
See, he just has to not be drunk.
Wait, so are you telling me you still want to go ahead with this idea?
Of course. Hilda wants to have a date with him!
Yeah, but... Listen to me. She might not want to have a date with him
when she finds out he's been flashing his dick and balls
to random strangers.
Come on! She's not gonna be alive that much longer.
Why does this matter?
Macey, this is our one shot.
We have to take it. We have to.
Oh, God.
- Yes. - Oh, God.
About that money now, do I get that upfront or later?
Later!
- Here's the address. - Yep. Yeah.
Bill... Ugh!
Uh... Here's the address for later.
Okay. All right. Good, good. Got it, got it. All right.
- I've just got a question. - Uh-huh.
I see you have a nice, a lovely, dove-gray shirt here,
do you have pants to match, or...
- Well, I can borrow some. - Oh, good.
- Good, good. - Great, okay.
- Hilda likes pants. - Okay.
Okay, bye.
What was that?
I just hope he takes a shower before the dinner.
Oh, God, yeah.
- Can we please walk faster? - Good idea.
What are you looking at?
Male escorts.
They all look like crackheads.
Trevor has a quality about him...
It's over.
It's completely over.
Okay, I'll do it.
What?
I'll do it with Aunt Hilda if that's what you really want.
James, thank you.
But only if it's what you really want.
Is it really what you want, Beatrice?
Yes.
And you're sure about that?
That what you really want
is for your husband to have sex with your aunt?
- Absolutely. - Hilda.
But we gotta go fast because we don't have much time, okay?
Now? Why do we have to do it now?
I don't understand. What's the hurry?
- Hilda? - I don't...
Hi.
James wanted to talk to you alone.
Good luck.
Uh...
Mmm.
You know, I...
I have to say you're looking, um...
Really...
Fetching in those bedclothes.
Uh, yeah, you were saying?
Um...
Yeah. I was just really kind of thinking that
as a man, I do have some experience with the emotion
that I think you're, um, referring to.
- Ooh. - Mmm-hmm.
- Uh... - Mmm?
What?
All right.
Aunt Hilda!
Oh! Hey! Come on in!
Hi, uh, come on in. It's fine. I'm sorry.
Wrong room.
Aunt Hilda! Do we have a surprise for you!
So, the food is on its way and...
I don't think we should have wine on the table, Savanna,
'cause I think Bill might have had a problem with alcohol. Remember?
Yeah. Right. Good thinking.
Wait. He's not an alcoholic, is he?
Does he have other issues?
No, no, no! No issues at all!
No way! No, no issues. Not Bill.
Well, you now, he is... He's gonna be here soon.
And when he gets here, we'll send him in,
and leave you to it.
- We'll be right back. - Right back. Okay.
- Oh, God. - Macey.
What now?
- Listen. - What? Don't...
- I'm getting the money. - What?
Hilda promised it to me,
so let's abort this whole date thing, and come with me to Florida.
Throw in with me.
What, are you gonna split the money with me?
I didn't say split it. It's mine.
But I'll give you a generous allowance.
What?
- Macey? - Okay. All right.
- No! - Hey, no, no, no.
That's for us! Don't answer it!
- Hello? - Yes. I'm here to see Hilda Beauchamp.
Hey, Bill. Hey, hey, hey. Come on in.
- How you doing? - Yeah, good. Thanks for coming.
- Thank you. - My goodness.
- Hey, Bill! - Hey. How are you?
- Who is this? - I'm Bill Dunther.
- Yeah, good to meet you. - Have we met?
- I don't think so.
You don't need to talk to this old dude. All right.
Not you, Bill. Thank you for coming.
Yeah, so, here's your dinner.
- There you go. - Oh, okay.
- We hope you have a great time. - Yes, yes.
But great time in the way that,
you know, normal people have a great time,
you know what I'm saying?
- Do normal. - Yes.
Yeah, so, keep your pants on.
- Zip it up. - Okay.
- Zip right up. Nice and tidy. - You are a sensitive soul.
- Have fun! - Okay.
I don't understand. I asked you to do one thing.
One tiny thing and you messed this up. I should've done it myself.
A tiny little thing?
- A tiny little thing? - Yes. For our future!
You asked me to seduce a terminally ill family member.
"Seduce"? "Seduce"?
Flasher!
- You do not look happy. - I'm not happy.
Aunt Hilda's in there
having the time of her life with her high school crush
and she's just gonna be so happy with Macey and Savanna.
Yeah, but if only you know what I know...
- What do you know? - Maybe I'll tell you, maybe I won't.
- Tell me. Tell me now. - All right.
Well, the guy that Macey and Savanna set up with Aunt Hilda is a sex pest.
Ow! Fuck.
What?
Yeah, as soon as I saw him, I was racking my brain
to try to figure out where I knew this guy from.
Yeah, he's a flasher.
- Wait, how do you know this? - Because he flashed me.
What?
No. I mean, I was parked on a date with this chick,
and we're making out, about to get down to business,
and all of a sudden there's a dick up against the window
that's not mine.
He gets arrested.
She's traumatized.
I'm also traumatized, 'cause I didn't get laid that night.
Richard...
You are telling me the best thing I've ever heard in my entire life!
Yeah, it's good, right?
Ah, Savanna, you look pretty pleased with yourself.
Well, yeah. You know, I'm just looking for the good china.
They're almost on to dessert.
Gosh, I am just so glad
we were able to give Aunt Hilda such a great time.
It just feels really good to do something nice for someone,
you know what I mean?
Oh! What am I saying? Of course you don't.
So, the date sounds like it's going really well.
Yeah. Yeah. It really seems to be. It really does.
- That's great. - Yeah.
Hilda, I guess she just doesn't seem too concerned
with his checkered past.
What? What are you talking about there?
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, maybe just the fact that he whips his dick out
and shows it to random women.
Oh, God. Who told you that?
Richard.
Oh. And you believe this fucking ding-dong here?
Well, Richard may be a ding-dong, but he's not a liar.
Well, I mean, he might be a ding-dong and a liar,
but he's not creative enough to make that up.
Do you think for even, like, one second I would set Aunt Hilda up
with a... What, a convicted sex offender?
Oh, absolutely.
- No, no, that's ridiculous. - You know what?
Why don't we just share with Aunt Hilda what we've found,
and she can do what she wants to do with it.
You know what?
Aunt Hilda is having an amazing time in there.
Do you really want to destroy, like, one of her last great nights on Earth
with this nonsense that you're talking about?
- Yep. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Whoa! Nice move!
Wait! No, no! Don't you fucking do it!
- What are you doing? - What's happening?
- Macey, Macey, grab her ankles! - Get off me!
Grab her fucking ankles!
- What's going on? - James, help me!
No! No! Don't even think about it!
Oh, God! She's getting away!
No.
Wow, this is kinda hot.
- We're your cousins, you sick fuck! - Cousins are fair game.
- That's already been established. - She's getting away!
No!
I have to tell you something!
Hey, Aunt Hilda.
Oh, my God. Stop it!
- How's it all... How's it... - Stop.
Aunt Hilda, I have to tell you something.
Bill is a sex offender!
I know.
What do you mean you know?
He told me all about it.
Ha!
Fuck you, Beatrice!
She already knows and she doesn't give a shit,
so suck on that!
Oh, I do give a shit.
I think it's sickening.
But people make mistakes
and everyone deserves a second chance.
I couldn't agree with you more, Aunt Hilda.
And I just think that is so incredibly compassionate of you.
Well, as a matter of fact,
we have decided
to get married.
Yeah.
Sorry, what?
No.
Yeah, well... Well I was making out my bucket list, whatever,
I realized that I have never been married,
and neither has Bill.
And we thought it would be fun to do together.
It'll be fun.
So, I got a hold of a priest and made the arrangements,
and he will be here in the morning to perform the service.
What? Tomorrow?
As in "tomorrow"? That's way too soon.
Yeah. We don't have a dress or...
Well, let's face it, guys.
I don't really have much time to hang around.
I... I... I don't want to be indelicate here,
but... But if you get married,
what... What does that do to your estate?
Well, as my husband,
Bill would be next of kin and he would inherit the estate.
- What? - But you promised it to me.
- What? - What?
What?
But you made it clear, you're only interested in me.
You don't care about the inheritance.
That is true.
- But you can't marry him! - Why not?
Because he's a fucking sex offender.
- Yes! Exactly. - A fucking sex offender!
I thought you said everyone deserves a second chance.
Oh! But, obviously, we didn't mean it, you know.
Yeah, I mean I hate to agree with Savanna, but she's right.
Yes. Yes, I am. I am right.
And you know, marriage shouldn't be on your bucket list.
- You don't want to rush into anything. - It's awful.
I mean, you know, Beatrice and James are married
and they fucking hate each other, so...
- Hate is a strong word. - Oh, gee. Thanks.
Shut the fuck up, James!
I don't want to hear any more nonsense!
Bill is a reformed man.
He has promised me
that he will never do any of those things again.
- Didn't you? - I did, I did.
Perhaps this is a good time for me to go ahead and leave.
I thoroughly enjoyed it, and it's so good to see you again.
- And I will see you tomorrow, okay? - Okay.
I'll walk you out, Bill.
Oh, thank you, thank you. Yeah.
You know, you all don't really have to walk me out.
- I got it. - Bill! What the fuck was that?
What are you doing?
You were supposed to have dinner with Aunt Hilda,
- not get fucking engaged! - Not get engaged!
You didn't say anything about not getting engaged.
We shouldn't have to!
You didn't even want to have a date with her.
Well, that's before I knew how wealthy she was.
- Oh, my God. - So, that's all this is for you, right?
Money? You're just trying to con a poor, sweet old woman
out of her inheritance?
Fuck you. That's fucking low even for a pervert.
Well, luckily, I really don't care what you all think right now.
I'm about to be a millionaire, and it's all because of y'all.
Now, hey, that $200 that you owe me, we'll settle up on that tomorrow.
- See ya tomorrow. - Fuck yeah. Yeah, you got it, Bill!
No, we're not. You're not gonna be seeing that!
Fuck you! I'm gonna kick the fucking shit out of you!
- Savanna, stop. No, don't. - You fuck face!
You know I only got a few days left before I go.
Maybe I can come down to your aunt's place and see you?
Maybe not today?
It's a little crazy and... How about I call you later?
Of course. Bye.
Bye.
I can't believe she would do this to me after all the messages I sent her,
all the emails, the texts, the WhatsApps, all the fucking apps.
Oh! Fuck your e-mails, Dick. I mean, what about us?
Macey had to wipe up her piss the other day.
Can you even imagine what that's like, mopping up her vagina?
Oh, no, no, no. This can't happen.
James and I really need the money.
I thought you said James' business was doing great.
It's not doing great. It's doing terribly.
He has the financial sense of a donkey.
I'm here, you know.
Ugh!
Well, we can't let this marriage go ahead, right?
What do you suggest we do? The priest is coming today to marry them.
Thanks to you idiots who had to set her up with the love of her life!
I would rather that pervert get it than you.
- I have more of a right to it than you do! - Guys, guys, guys!
Come on! We need to work this out together!
We're cousins, aren't we?
God, we used to do things together. Remember when we were kids?
We were close. We used to play together for hours.
We all used to play hide-and-seek in this very house. So, come on.
That's true, and I always used to win.
I'd be hiding upstairs for hours.
And I'd come downstairs,
and you guys would to be watching TV or moved on to a new game.
Sometimes, they'd even left the house.
Totally moved on. Yeah.
Right. So, the point is we're a family.
All right. So, with this, this sharing business,
what would happen with the estate?
We split it.
So I'd get half and you guys would take the rest.
No, Richard. That's not splitting it.
We share it equally between us.
- But it's supposed to be mine, so... - In a text message.
See how that holds up in court.
All right, all right. We'll split it then, all right?
- Thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty. - Fine.
- What's the plan? - Listen to this.
We drug him, we drive him hundreds of miles away,
and we dump him in the middle of nowhere, completely naked.
Does anyone have any ideas
that won't lead us going to prison for a very long time?
I have an idea.
Why don't we congratulate Hilda, wish her a lovely wedding
- and just go home. - Just shut the fuck up, James.
I'm sorry about him.
Fuck, I think I've got it.
Maybe we can show that Bill is still a flasher.
I mean, Aunt Hilda thinks he's reformed, right?
But if we can show him exposing himself,
she'll know he's a fraud.
- Yes, yes, yes. I like that. - Okay!
But how do we do that?
Well, we need to create the right circumstances
so, you know, he'll pull his dick out,
we capture it on camera and show it to Aunt Hilda.
Well, how can you be sure he'll actually do it?
Oh, no, he'll do it. This shit is compulsive.
If we give him the opportunity,
he won't not be able to do it.
How do you know so much about that?
Okay, what... What are we doing here, guys?
I mean, God, it's only two hours to this wedding.
Okay, okay, number one on the plan is this.
We need to give him some alcohol, all right?
He told us he only does it when he's drunk.
Right, and then we leave him with a woman,
but somebody he doesn't know so that he doesn't suspect anything.
How can we... That is... Oh, my God. How can we possibly ask someone to do...
Wait a minute, it's Ellen. Hey, Ellen.
- Hey. - Yeah, hi.
Listen, Mom wants the number to your mechanic.
- Well, just tell her I'm busy. - Well, no. It's really important.
Her car's making that weird sound again.
Well, just tell her to google it.
Okay. But if she dies, it's gonna be your fault. I told you.
- Okay. Bye. - Bye.
What?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Ellen? Oh. No way. Absolutely not.
- Why not? It's a great idea. - Oh, my God, Savanna.
Do I have to bring in the men in white coats to take you away?
Why are you saying that?
Because you seem to be asking me
if I'd be up for using our younger sister as bait for a sex offender.
- And would you? - No, Savanna, I would not.
- But she's perfect. - Is she, Savanna?
Is she really perfect?
All right, all right. Maybe "perfect" isn't the right word.
But we have a sister who Bill's never met.
And her calling right now? That really feels like fate.
It did kind of feel like a sign from God.
Oh, really, Richard?
So God now wants our younger sister to be some dick bait for this guy?
He does move in mysterious ways.
Oh, just... Can you just go away?
- Macey. - No, I'm not discussing it.
This whole thing is a ridiculous idea anyway.
Okay, it may be a ridiculous idea, but it's the best idea we've got.
Also, Mom wanted us to spend more time with Ellen.
Well, I'm pretty sure this is not what she had in mind.
Look, I don't like this any more than you do.
I don't think that's true at all.
Okay, well, maybe I like it a little bit more than you do,
but that's only because I see what a good idea it is.
You would think that though
since you have absolutely no sense of morality or integrity whatsoever.
Do you want to know what my values are, Macey?
To get the best for us. For me and my sisters.
- To give us the best lives possible. - Yeah.
And right now, all I see is a fucking shit show.
I mean, look at me, Macey.
Do you think this is the life I dreamt of?
Living in this shitty town, going nowhere, being nobody?
You're not... You're not nobody.
Oh, come on. We both know that's not true.
Fuck. I've fucked up in so many different ways in my life,
so many different times.
Dad's cafe is just about the only thing that's kept me going.
And what about you, Macey?
When I was a little kid,
I used to think that you were the smartest,
prettiest girl in the whole town.
And now I see a tired, over-worked, two-time divorcee who looks like
she's wearing the last clothes on the rack at a charity shop.
And fuck, fuck, it makes me sick to my stomach
to watch you struggle through life day after day,
getting shat on by every man you've met.
And now you've finally found someone you really like,
and yes he's boring and he cries, but so what?
The fact is that you like him, and you're about to lose him
just like you've lost every other guy in your life.
So, it's time for you to decide
if you want to run away and hide in a hole,
or face it head-on and get what you want.
And that's all I wanted to say.
No! Obviously, no!
I know it sounds bad.
Well, yeah. It sounds bad because it is bad, Macey.
Ellen, please, please, please.
Geoff leaves for Alaska next week.
And unless I magically find some way to be able to afford for him to stay,
he's just gonna walk out of my life.
Probably forever.
And as an added bonus,
we'll be able to save the cafe,
and we'll all be very, very rich.
This isn't about money, Savanna, okay? It's about principle.
But just, like, how rich are we talking?
Just kind of curious, I guess, a little bit.
Well, Aunt Hilda's estate is worth about 20 million...
Okay, I'm in.
- Really? - Yes.
Oh, my God! You're amazing!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you so much!
Thank you!
Yes!
- Under two conditions. - Yes, anything. What?
You both have to play a game of Dungeons & Dragons with me.
- Oh, Jesus. - Really?
- That's... That's really what you want? - Yes.
Okay, fine.
- But we won't wear the costumes. - That's my second condition.
Oh! Why? Why, for God's sake?
Because it adds to the whole fantasy element.
- Jesus, Ellen! - No? No?
Okay, fine!
Fine, we'll play the game and we'll do the fucking dress-ups.
Great, it's decided! Let's go!
Now, Ellen, you know what to do, right?
Yes. Beatrice is gonna give Bill a drink or two,
then she'll bring him outside,
and when there's no one else around,
I go over and talk to him until he gets his boner out.
- Boom. - Boner out! Yes, yes!
Right, exactly!
If there's any way you could talk to him about something
other than Dungeons & Dragons, that would be great.
You know, give us a fighting shot.
That's true. Nothing makes me softer than a woman talking about her hobbies.
And only do this if you feel 100% comfortable.
Well, I'm probably never gonna feel 100% comfortable.
- No one does. - Yeah. Fair enough.
Hi! Come on in.
Ooh! Look at you! You look great!
- Thank you, thank you. - Big day!
Hilda's upstairs getting dressed,
and I thought you and I could have a little drink.
Oh.
Not for me, thanks.
Come on. What's one little drink?
I really shouldn't.
- No. - Just a teeny-tiny drink.
- Well, okay. Just a little one. - Small one.
- Just a splash. - Is that orange juice?
What is that fucking idiot doing?
What the fuck? Excuse me. Be right back.
Mmm-hmm.
James! What are you doing?
I'm opting out.
What the hell does that mean?
Well, it turns out that running sting operations
to catch old sex offenders is not really my thing.
James, this is how we get the money.
Except I don't care about the money.
I just want my old life back.
Preferably, with my wife in it.
Now, are you sure we can't lose the crown?
Oh, no way. No chance.
Remember, we do want him to be turned on, not turned off.
The crown stays!
Oh, God.
All right, well, maybe, at least, we could push the tits up.
No, don't push the tits up.
We have to give him something to work with, Macey.
I have to say, I agree.
- Push the tits up. In fact, I would... - Hey! The tits are fine!
Dick!
- Just have fun with it. - It's not a fun...
- Fun? - There is a purpose here.
- Just stay focused. - A great purpose.
And don't look down. Look up-ish.
- Like, middle ground. - Yeah!
More, like, the horizon. The horizon.
I don't know if this is gonna...
Whatever you're doing now, don't do.
Tell me the truth, okay?
Do you not want me to go because you want me to stay,
or do you not want me to go because you want me to do more cooking?
I don't know. Does it have to be one or the other?
Choose! Is it me or is it the money?
Because if it's me, then for the love of God,
go pack your things and let's get the fuck out of here.
Hmm.
You're the one being selfish!
Fuck! Fuck you!
"Opt out," I'll show you fucking opt out.
Hi. I think I'll join you in a drink. Yeah.
Uh-huh. And the sex was bad!
Your dick smells!
Ooh. Okay. Let me just have a little...
- Here, let me give you a little... - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just drink it. Drink, drink, drink.
This is pretty exciting.
Macey, what's the first thing you're gonna do
if you get Aunt Hilda's money?
First thing.
Really, you wanna know?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, well, I'm gonna deal with the cafe.
You know, pay our debts.
- And then, most importantly... - I'm gonna get a Porsche.
Haven't you already got a Porsche?
Yeah, yeah, but not the new model.
Hey, guys. Where the fuck is Beatrice?
She's supposed to be here by now.
I'll go.
You know, James doesn't even have the fight, you know?
He doesn't have the balls.
Yeah, not everybody has the balls.
Do you have the balls, Bill?
Is that why you just keep wanting to take 'em out,
and show 'em to everybody?
Well...
Are you still doing that, the flashing?
Or you just take it out every once in a while
for like a special occasion?
Just between you and me?
Mmm.
Yeah, every now and again he comes out and says hello.
Beatrice.
Hey, hey, hey, Beatrice.
- What? - What's going on?
- He left. - Who left?
James. He left me.
Oh, my God. Okay, okay. We just need to have a little chat.
Whoa.
I don't want to be a divorcee, Macey.
I mean, even the word just reeks of failure.
Shit, shit, shit, shit. I'm sorry.
- What? - I forgot.
You've been divorced like a bunch of times.
Okay, look. You need to take Bill to the garden.
We are running out of time. Can you handle this?
Yes! Can I handle it?
Yeah.
It's okay, she's coming.
I'll bet my pee smells like citrus.
Okay. So, you're gonna sit down right here.
- Okay. - And then when Hilda's ready,
I'm gonna come back and get you.
- Okay? - Okay.
I handled that.
Handled.
Well done.
- Wonderful. - Okay, all right.
It's your time. Your time to shine.
Okay. Okay.
Jesus, Richard.
Why did you bring chips? This is not a baseball game.
- I'm hungry! - No.
- Oh, no. - What? Is he getting his dick out?
No, he's not getting his dick out.
Oh, God, it looks like he's passing out.
- Fuck. Oh, God. - Oh, no.
- Oh! For fuck's sake! - Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, Ellen.
You can't even keep a sex offender awake?
Don't blame me, okay?
I started talking and he just passed out.
You were talking about Dungeons & Dragons,
weren't you? Weren't you?
There happens to be more to Dungeons & Dragons
- than you'd understand. - I fucking knew it!
It's okay, Ellen. He's old, and old people fall asleep.
That's just what they do.
I might have just given him a little bit too much alcohol.
- Oh, God. - Is he dead?
- Oh, my God, have we killed him? - Well, I didn't kill him.
If anything, it was Ellen who killed him by boring him to death,
by talking about fucking elves and warlocks!
- I didn't kill him! - He's still breathing.
He's just unconscious.
How are we gonna get him to take his penis out if he's unconscious?
Fuck it. Hold this a second.
- Oh, yeah. - What are you doing, Savanna?
What are you gonna do? Savanna?
We're just gonna take a couple of pictures.
- Jesus, no. - It's completely fine.
- Do it. - Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God.
- Oh, God, this dick is fucking old. - Be gentle.
- Wait, there it comes. - Oh! Look who's here.
- Don't look. - I don't want to.
- There we go. - Oh, God.
Great. Quick, quick, quick. Take some... Take some pics.
I have completely lost sight of what we're doing here.
Ellen, get in the photo. Come on, come on, quick.
- Is that really necessary? - Yes, yes.
It's no good if she's not in the photo!
Then it's just an old man with his dick out on a bench.
- God, that's not gonna cut it. - Okay, there, we got it.
Now, just, put it away.
- You put it away! - You literally just got it out, so just...
Yeah, and it was horrible, okay? Exactly my point.
I took it out. I'm not putting it back. Someone else do it.
Not it.
Fine! I'll do it then.
Okay, okay. Let... Let me.
- No, I said I would do it. - No, allow me.
I said I've got it, Richard. Stop it. Don't touch it.
Give it to me. Give me that penis.
- Give me the... - Richard, I've got it.
Macey?
Geoff, hi!
Hi! What are you doing here?
I had some time off work, so thought I'd come by to see you.
Oh, that's...
Are... Are those flowers for me? That's really sweet, honey.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Why were you...
Why were you just holding that old man's penis?
Was I?
Yes!
Uh...
Okay.
You know what?
I really was thinking of not going to Alaska.
- I gotta go. - No, no!
- Geoff! Geoff! - No!
- I'm gone. - Oh, wait!
What the fuck is going on?
Oh! Hi, Hilda.
Why is his dick hanging out of his pants?
Bill!
Hilda?
You told me you'd given it up!
I have!
Just get off my estate!
Wait a minute!
Put your dick back in your pants and go,
before I call the police!
Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!
I'll call the doctor.
Don't let her die.
Hey, hey!
Oh, God!
- Somebody give her the kiss of life. - You do it!
She looks like Cujo! I'm not kissing her!
Get her...
- I'm calling the doctor. - Okay.
Can you release the brake?
Oh, God!
What is that?
- Mm-hmm. - Oh!
How is she, Doctor?
I think it's time to say your goodbyes.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Sorry. - Yeah.
No. Thank you.
Thanks.
I'll give you a moment alone.
She's coming around.
Hi, Aunt Hilda.
Hilda, you gave us quite a scare.
You were frothing at the mouth.
We thought maybe you had rabies.
So, I know, Aunt Hilda, this is probably the last thing
you wanna think about, but um...
It'd be really great if you could sign something
saying that the estate is shared by all of us.
So that when you're gone there aren't any issues.
We had something drawn up.
And if you could just sign right there.
Is this legally binding?
As long as no one contests it.
Oh. Aunt Hilda?
No, Hilda. Hilda, you didn't finished signing!
- Hilda? - Don't die yet.
- Hilda? - Hilda?
- Hilda! Aunt Hilda! - Hilda?
You didn't finish signing it. Right here, that last line.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Oh... uh...
Aunt Hilda, I... I just... I just wanna, like, thank you so much
because you know, this is all gonna... It's gonna change our lives.
- Bingo. - Thank you.
Yes, Aunt Hilda? What is it, Aunt Hilda?
You're all assholes.
Is it...
- Good. - Was that...
She's right, you know?
We are all assholes.
I mean, we behaved like vultures trying to get her money, and for what?
Are you gonna feel better, Richard,
now that you can get yourself a new Porsche?
Is that gonna make you feel whole?
And what about you, Beatrice?
Will it make you feel better,
being able to show the world that you're successful,
even though it cost you every meaningful relationship you've had?
And we're no better, Savanna.
- Well, maybe a little better. - Look at what we did to get her money.
Aunt Hilda was a lonely, miserable woman, and we used her.
And we sacrificed our dignity, our integrity, our morality.
I mean, we are bad people.
I'm gonna go for a Starbucks run.
- Does anybody want? Yeah? - Oh, I wanna go. Yeah.
My treat.
Hey.
I really wanna get one, too.
- Fine. - Okay.
Yeah.
- Savanna? - Yeah?
Can you get me an almond latte?
You got it, babe.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
In sure and certain hope of resurrection to eternal life.
If you want a shoulder to cry on later...
- I'm fine, thank you. - Right here.
- Maybe she wasn't mean. - I don't know about that.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Yes...
Oh, fuck me! Come on! Tell us what we've won already!
Ah!
So, I have here the details of Hilda's estate,
the value of which, including the house and all other physical assets,
comes to a grand total of...
- Oh, my God! - Come on!
$17,415,038.17.
- What? - Hildy, you lovely bitch!
Unfortunately, that does not account for the debts
that Hilda had accrued over the years.
These include taxes in arrears for a total of 25 years,
plus interest and late fee payments.
So that the final value of the estate with debts accounted for,
comes to...
$38.17.
What was that? I... I... I think I misheard.
Thirty-eight dollars and seventeen cents?
What even is that split four ways?
That's my sister. I told you she was a cunt.
There is one other thing.
Before she died, Hilda stipulated
to separate from the estate a particular painting.
One called Dog,
which she requested be registered to the ownership of Macey Williams,
because, and I am quoting here,
"It always reminded me of her, and how depressing her life is."
- What... - End quote.
You know, I thought a lot about what you said
about me sacrificing my relationships.
Beatrice, I was just upset.
And I thought you were right.
It makes sense, you know.
I messed up with James.
I messed up with you.
And I thought, you know, it was time to do some self-reflection.
Well, I think that's great.
And then I thought, "Fuck that!"
It's not me, it's them.
And if they can't handle me being me,
fuck 'em.
I guess that's another way to look at it. Yeah.
You know, whatever.
Yeah, okay. You, too.
Well, I guess I'm heading back to Florida in the same Porsche I arrived in.
Oh.
Richard, we all feel really, really sorry for you.
You gotta roll with the punches.
So what do you think?
You want to finally give into your destiny and come with me to Florida,
and see what happens when we put these two assholes together?
- No, thank you. - Sure, that's cool.
Fair enough.
Savanna?
Okay. Beatrice is... She's gone?
- She's gone. - All right.
Maybe you should try with someone you're not related to.
Just a thought.
Home is where the heart is.
Oh.
I got a long drive ahead of me.
Dick out.
I'm so sorry, Macey.
I really wanted us to be able to get Geoff to stay.
I mean, I... I wanted to be really rich as well,
but I really wanted Geoff to stay.
Aw.
- I love you. - I love you.
Why is my intelligence a four but my wisdom is an eight?
- Okay, well roll for a higher number! - It makes no fucking sense!
Oh! Macey, you're late!
You're not gonna believe this!
She's saying I lost my invisibility cloak when I only just now got it!
Well, you shouldn't have let the ranger pass through the forest!
Oh! For fuck's sake! God!
You know what? I blame this fucking painting.
This dog has been staring at me all night, and it's really throwing my game.
I'm so sick of looking at it.
In fact, you know what?
I am going to take it out back and kick the living shit out of it.
- Macey, do you mind? - Do whatever you need to do.
What is that?
It fell out of the painting.
God damn it, I'm gonna burn this shit.
What does it say?
It's an appraisal for the painting. It says it's worth $4.3 million.
Savanna!