1 00:00:07,963 --> 00:00:09,843 {\an5}TONY: I'll see you inside, Miss Gordon. 2 00:00:09,883 --> 00:00:12,083 If you could just sign this, Nolly. Absolutely. 3 00:00:12,123 --> 00:00:15,603 Who are you? I'm Poppy. I'm playing Honour. 4 00:00:15,643 --> 00:00:17,883 Poppy, we did specify a Birmingham accent. 5 00:00:17,923 --> 00:00:20,203 You might have. I did not. 6 00:00:20,243 --> 00:00:22,683 Ready to record! Places, please, everyone! 7 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:25,843 Leave it to Nolly. Action in three... 8 00:00:25,883 --> 00:00:27,123 Ah, Michael. Charles. 9 00:00:27,163 --> 00:00:29,523 All good things must come to an end. 10 00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:30,883 CHARLES: Meg is going to die. 11 00:00:30,923 --> 00:00:33,043 Then it's true? Yes. 12 00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:35,083 I've been sacked? Yes. 13 00:00:35,123 --> 00:00:37,283 JANE: Sack Mother?! Why would anyone do that?! 14 00:00:37,323 --> 00:00:40,883 Take centre stage, beat those bloody men! 15 00:00:40,923 --> 00:00:44,203 JACK: But you're not dying. This is Meg we're talking about. 16 00:00:44,243 --> 00:00:45,323 Is it? 17 00:00:45,363 --> 00:00:46,683 SHE SCREAMS 18 00:01:03,883 --> 00:01:05,763 Good afternoon. Oh! 19 00:01:05,803 --> 00:01:07,003 Good afternoon, sir. 20 00:01:07,043 --> 00:01:09,283 I'm really very sorry if I've kept you waiting. 21 00:01:09,323 --> 00:01:10,683 Oh, not at all. 22 00:01:10,723 --> 00:01:12,963 I can imagine you're rather busy. Mm. 23 00:01:13,003 --> 00:01:14,683 And I must apologise. 24 00:01:14,723 --> 00:01:19,443 It's all a bit ad hoc, but we had to seize the opportunity. 25 00:01:19,483 --> 00:01:22,443 Well, I wish I could've given you more time, but... 26 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,043 London beckons. 27 00:01:26,203 --> 00:01:29,963 Now, I am told they call you the Queen of the Midlands. 28 00:01:30,003 --> 00:01:32,523 I think that might be treason. HE CHUCKLES 29 00:01:32,563 --> 00:01:36,683 But it is worth pointing out, this is a moment in history. 30 00:01:36,723 --> 00:01:40,443 It's the very first time a woman has interviewed the Prime Minister. 31 00:01:40,483 --> 00:01:43,803 I'd wager, there were men who tried to stop that happening. 32 00:01:43,843 --> 00:01:44,923 Oh, yes. 33 00:01:44,963 --> 00:01:47,443 Tory Central Office weren't too pleased. 34 00:01:48,883 --> 00:01:50,963 But you defeated them. 35 00:01:51,003 --> 00:01:52,603 I did. 36 00:01:52,643 --> 00:01:54,803 Well done. 37 00:01:56,563 --> 00:01:59,083 Good evening, I'm Noele Gordon, 38 00:01:59,123 --> 00:02:02,683 {\an5}and it's my honour to be here in St Andrew's Stadium 39 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:05,603 {\an5}with the Prime Minister, Harold Macmillan. 40 00:02:12,003 --> 00:02:17,083 I'll never be a majority shareholder in Crossroads again. 41 00:02:17,123 --> 00:02:18,803 Soon, I'll have nothing left. 42 00:02:20,043 --> 00:02:21,763 And what will I do then? 43 00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:26,603 THEME TUNE PLAYS 44 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,163 KEITH: And hold it. 45 00:02:31,203 --> 00:02:33,483 Wait for the clear. Everyone, stay in positions. 46 00:02:33,523 --> 00:02:34,883 Thank you. 47 00:02:34,923 --> 00:02:37,443 TONY: Oh, here they come, next week's scripts. 48 00:02:37,483 --> 00:02:39,443 HE CLEAR HIS THROAT Any more rumours? 49 00:02:39,483 --> 00:02:43,603 I've heard a fire. Billy from Props says the motel burns down. 50 00:02:43,643 --> 00:02:46,443 JANE: But who's inside it? All of us? 51 00:02:46,483 --> 00:02:48,323 TONY: When I was here in the 1960s, 52 00:02:48,363 --> 00:02:50,323 I played an estate agent, Mr Perkins. 53 00:02:50,363 --> 00:02:53,083 And every Friday, they'd give out the scripts, just like today. 54 00:02:53,123 --> 00:02:55,363 And then, one Friday, there was no envelope, 55 00:02:55,403 --> 00:02:57,203 and I said, "Where's my scripts?" 56 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:58,883 They said, "You haven't got any." 57 00:02:58,923 --> 00:03:01,043 And that's how I knew I'd been sacked. 58 00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:03,683 Try getting pregnant. You disappear even faster. 59 00:03:03,723 --> 00:03:05,043 KEITH: And that's a clear! 60 00:03:07,763 --> 00:03:09,683 NOLLY: What does it say? JANE: Does it tell us? 61 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,723 TONY: What happens? What happens? 62 00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:17,043 It doesn't say. 63 00:03:17,083 --> 00:03:18,963 It doesn't say. SUSAN: There's got to be clues. 64 00:03:19,003 --> 00:03:21,483 You've only got two weeks left, Nolly. 65 00:03:21,523 --> 00:03:23,963 How the hell are they writing you out? 66 00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:26,643 All it says is that I'm making my will... 67 00:03:26,683 --> 00:03:28,843 ..and leaving everything to you. 68 00:03:29,963 --> 00:03:32,083 Well, maybe I murder you. 69 00:03:32,123 --> 00:03:34,083 IRIS: Well, if it's a murder with lots of blood, 70 00:03:34,123 --> 00:03:37,203 Make-up will need ten days' warning. Plus multiple wigs. 71 00:03:37,243 --> 00:03:39,283 I've asked the writers what's going to happen. 72 00:03:39,323 --> 00:03:40,803 I've asked and asked. 73 00:03:40,843 --> 00:03:43,563 Oh, come on, Ivor, you can tell me. 74 00:03:43,603 --> 00:03:45,563 Do I die? Is it murder? 75 00:03:45,603 --> 00:03:47,043 Suicide? Oh... 76 00:03:47,083 --> 00:03:48,483 Heart attack? 77 00:03:48,523 --> 00:03:50,803 Do I find a man? I mean, do I get married? 78 00:03:53,123 --> 00:03:55,923 Oh...! Do I live happily ever after? 79 00:03:55,963 --> 00:03:59,563 Peter, it is not fair. I demand you tell me what happens! 80 00:03:59,603 --> 00:04:01,123 NOLLY: Nothing. 81 00:04:01,163 --> 00:04:02,883 Not one word. 82 00:04:02,923 --> 00:04:04,923 And guess whose fault it turns out to be? 83 00:04:04,963 --> 00:04:07,523 I'm sorry, but it's your own fault. You went to the papers. 84 00:04:08,563 --> 00:04:09,563 You crossed the line. 85 00:04:09,603 --> 00:04:11,963 You told them things that were strictly confidential. 86 00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:15,483 But tell me, do I live or do I die? 87 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,443 This is my problem. 88 00:04:17,483 --> 00:04:19,683 Meg's exit has turned out to be a miracle. 89 00:04:19,723 --> 00:04:21,403 The show's never been so popular! 90 00:04:23,523 --> 00:04:27,043 We're everywhere. The whole country is talking about us. 91 00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:29,243 So I can't say anything to anyone. 92 00:04:29,283 --> 00:04:32,003 But you have a duty, towards me. Maybe. 93 00:04:32,043 --> 00:04:35,003 Back in the old days, yes. But do you know what happened? 94 00:04:35,043 --> 00:04:38,683 A shot rang out. A bullet that changed the world. 95 00:04:38,723 --> 00:04:42,403 That gunshot in the office in Dallas, JR Ewing hit the floor, 96 00:04:42,443 --> 00:04:44,523 and television will never be the same again. 97 00:04:44,563 --> 00:04:46,763 Now, here's our chance... 98 00:04:46,803 --> 00:04:49,323 to be as big as that. 99 00:04:49,363 --> 00:04:51,883 To be bigger than "who shot JR?" 100 00:04:51,923 --> 00:04:55,603 And I'm not gonna spoil that... for anyone. 101 00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:06,083 Now... where were we? 102 00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:07,523 Excuse me. 103 00:05:08,923 --> 00:05:11,163 The press can speculate all they like. 104 00:05:11,203 --> 00:05:13,843 But I am cleverer than them. 105 00:05:13,883 --> 00:05:15,883 We have one script with one ending, 106 00:05:15,923 --> 00:05:19,483 {\an5}and I have that locked away where... no-one can see it. 107 00:05:33,243 --> 00:05:35,203 I wish I could, I can't crack open a safe. 108 00:05:35,243 --> 00:05:36,523 I'm not Raffles! 109 00:05:38,083 --> 00:05:39,803 So what the hell do we do? 110 00:05:39,843 --> 00:05:42,483 The thing is, you're all looking at the wrong story. 111 00:05:42,523 --> 00:05:46,003 You should look at me, look at Benny, right here on the farm. 112 00:05:46,043 --> 00:05:49,003 Observe, green, scene two. 113 00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:53,243 I'm being all friendly with a newcomer by the name of Sam Hurst. 114 00:05:53,283 --> 00:05:56,483 Yellow, scene six, eight and ten. 115 00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:59,203 Sam paints a mural on the wall over there, 116 00:05:59,243 --> 00:06:02,563 but what's that got to do with Meg? Pink, scene ten. 117 00:06:02,603 --> 00:06:05,523 In comes Meg. She looks at the painting. 118 00:06:05,563 --> 00:06:07,643 And here's the interesting bit. 119 00:06:07,683 --> 00:06:10,843 She recognises the artist. Where? Where, where? 120 00:06:10,883 --> 00:06:12,923 Turns out, he's changed his name... 121 00:06:12,963 --> 00:06:14,923 because he's got a mysterious past. 122 00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:16,163 Oh... 123 00:06:16,203 --> 00:06:18,243 He's hiding a secret. Well, like a murderer. 124 00:06:18,283 --> 00:06:19,643 Oh, my God...! 125 00:06:19,683 --> 00:06:21,723 Who's playing Sam Hurst...? 126 00:06:22,763 --> 00:06:24,843 Brian Badcoe. 127 00:06:24,883 --> 00:06:26,643 So, these are the sets, you'll get used to it. 128 00:06:26,683 --> 00:06:28,843 You must be Brian Badcoe. Yes. 129 00:06:28,883 --> 00:06:30,923 I am delighted to meet you. 130 00:06:30,963 --> 00:06:33,283 I'm Noele Gordon. But you can call me Nolly. 131 00:06:33,323 --> 00:06:35,043 Nolly, thank you very much. 132 00:06:35,083 --> 00:06:38,123 In here? Absolutely. Welcome to Crossroads. 133 00:06:38,163 --> 00:06:40,923 So, what did they say in the audition? Sam Hurst, who is he? 134 00:06:40,963 --> 00:06:43,723 Well, they said he's escaping his past, 135 00:06:43,763 --> 00:06:46,363 er, because his wife and children died... 136 00:06:46,403 --> 00:06:47,643 in a fire. 137 00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:49,523 A fire? Oh, my God! 138 00:06:50,763 --> 00:06:52,123 Are you an arsonist? 139 00:06:52,163 --> 00:06:54,763 I don't know. Am I? 140 00:06:54,803 --> 00:06:55,883 Do you kill me? 141 00:06:55,923 --> 00:06:58,403 Do I? What for? 142 00:06:58,443 --> 00:06:59,963 Think about it. 143 00:07:01,243 --> 00:07:04,683 Brian's final episode, guess when it transmits. 144 00:07:07,883 --> 00:07:09,643 Bonfire Night. GASPS 145 00:07:12,643 --> 00:07:14,683 DOORBELL RINGS 146 00:07:15,923 --> 00:07:19,243 It turns out this Bonfire Night thing might be true. 147 00:07:19,283 --> 00:07:22,123 Cos guess where I've been today. Filming. 148 00:07:22,163 --> 00:07:23,763 On location. 149 00:07:23,803 --> 00:07:25,723 On my own. On a Sunday? 150 00:07:25,763 --> 00:07:28,083 Mm. They booked me last night. 151 00:07:28,123 --> 00:07:31,003 Out of the blue. Sent a car at 6am. 152 00:07:31,043 --> 00:07:35,643 And then, on the spot, gave me a script on white paper. 153 00:07:36,723 --> 00:07:40,083 But we don't have white scripts. Oh, we do now. 154 00:07:40,123 --> 00:07:42,243 I'm sorry, Mother. 155 00:07:42,283 --> 00:07:44,083 I've been filming your funeral. 156 00:07:58,883 --> 00:08:01,043 JANE: So, er, Make-up were there. 157 00:08:01,083 --> 00:08:02,963 And Stephanie from Wardrobe. 158 00:08:03,003 --> 00:08:05,203 I had this full costume, all in black. 159 00:08:05,243 --> 00:08:06,563 It was rather nice. 160 00:08:06,603 --> 00:08:09,043 And I said, "What's going on?" 161 00:08:09,083 --> 00:08:10,843 And they all said, "No idea." 162 00:08:10,883 --> 00:08:13,083 And it wasn't a real cemetery, 163 00:08:13,123 --> 00:08:15,683 they'd got these old headstones out of Props. 164 00:08:15,723 --> 00:08:17,123 And there it was... 165 00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:19,443 ..your coffin. 166 00:08:20,723 --> 00:08:23,403 Do you have any idea what we're supposed to be doing? 167 00:08:23,443 --> 00:08:25,603 I'm not paid to speak. 168 00:08:25,643 --> 00:08:27,803 I did an episode of Rentaghost last year, 169 00:08:27,843 --> 00:08:29,563 got paid £5 for burping. 170 00:08:30,563 --> 00:08:31,763 RODNEY: Thanks, then, Jane. 171 00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:34,883 Checks are good, if we could go for a take. 172 00:08:34,923 --> 00:08:38,083 But what am I actually doing? What it says in the script. 173 00:08:39,403 --> 00:08:41,683 JANE: "Jill stands at the grave and cries." 174 00:08:42,843 --> 00:08:45,643 So that's what I did. For 20 minutes. 175 00:08:45,683 --> 00:08:48,843 20 minutes? That was because of the helicopter. 176 00:08:48,883 --> 00:08:51,923 LOUD WHIRRING OVERHEAD Shall we wait for it to pass? 177 00:08:51,963 --> 00:08:53,763 RODNEY: I don't think it's going anywhere. 178 00:08:53,803 --> 00:08:56,003 It's come here for you. 179 00:08:57,363 --> 00:08:59,203 Is that the press? 180 00:08:59,243 --> 00:09:01,363 Are they taking photos? 181 00:09:01,403 --> 00:09:04,763 It's nothing to do with me, I'm just doing what I'm told. 182 00:09:04,803 --> 00:09:06,683 And action! 183 00:09:06,723 --> 00:09:08,323 So that's what I did. 184 00:09:09,363 --> 00:09:11,363 I stood there and cried. 185 00:09:11,403 --> 00:09:13,083 HELICOPTER WHIRS LOUDLY 186 00:09:13,123 --> 00:09:16,443 SHE STARTS TO SOB 187 00:09:16,483 --> 00:09:20,003 WHIRRING CONTINUES 188 00:09:20,043 --> 00:09:23,043 And it was definitely my coffin? Yes. 189 00:09:23,083 --> 00:09:25,923 Well... Meg's. 190 00:09:25,963 --> 00:09:29,323 HELICOPTER WHIRS LOUDLY 191 00:09:29,363 --> 00:09:31,203 TONY: Maybe it's fake. Cos I told you, Maggie, 192 00:09:31,243 --> 00:09:33,283 they said they're shooting multiple endings. 193 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,403 What was the date of birth? 194 00:09:36,763 --> 00:09:38,563 1919. 195 00:09:40,123 --> 00:09:41,483 Bastards! 196 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:45,003 KEITH: Ready to record. 197 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:48,243 Places, please, fast as we can. A little bit of hush. 198 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,083 Scripts for next week. 199 00:09:52,123 --> 00:09:54,883 There you go. And... 200 00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:59,563 Can we have quiet over there, please? 201 00:09:59,603 --> 00:10:00,963 Oh, fuck off! 202 00:10:01,003 --> 00:10:02,843 LAUGHTER 203 00:10:03,843 --> 00:10:05,043 KEITH: 30 seconds. 204 00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:07,403 I can't work out if you're dead or not. 205 00:10:07,443 --> 00:10:10,603 "Meg falls asleep in the chair, camera goes to a bottle of pills." 206 00:10:11,763 --> 00:10:13,643 I mean, that's suicide, isn't it? 207 00:10:14,723 --> 00:10:16,603 Yeah, but then page 18, 208 00:10:16,643 --> 00:10:19,723 "Meg stands in the doorway, as if saying goodbye." 209 00:10:19,763 --> 00:10:21,643 And then the motel burns down. 210 00:10:21,683 --> 00:10:23,843 We're all outside at the bonfire, thank God. 211 00:10:23,883 --> 00:10:26,243 Sorry, Nolly, but we are. 212 00:10:26,283 --> 00:10:28,083 And then Meg goes missing. 213 00:10:28,123 --> 00:10:30,043 So which one is it? What happens? 214 00:10:30,083 --> 00:10:32,203 TONY: You see, they could use any one of those scenes. 215 00:10:32,243 --> 00:10:35,763 They actually went and did it. Multiple endings. 216 00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:38,643 Well, when do we find out? TONY: Next week, I suppose. 217 00:10:38,683 --> 00:10:40,083 One more week. 218 00:10:40,123 --> 00:10:43,043 BRIAN: Well, at least it gets started by a firework. Not by me. 219 00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:45,803 And I get a nice little moment. 220 00:10:45,843 --> 00:10:48,843 I go running back inside to save Meg. 221 00:10:48,883 --> 00:10:50,883 Look, page 21. 222 00:10:52,323 --> 00:10:55,083 "I'm not afraid of fire any more, Benny." 223 00:10:56,243 --> 00:10:58,083 And... And then you burn to death. 224 00:10:58,123 --> 00:10:59,843 Well, yes. 225 00:10:59,883 --> 00:11:02,083 Meg's bedroom collapses on top of you. Yes. 226 00:11:02,123 --> 00:11:03,483 So, it made sense, 227 00:11:03,523 --> 00:11:05,763 you being afraid of fire in the first place, didn't it? 228 00:11:05,803 --> 00:11:07,243 Yes. 229 00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:11,563 But it's going to be rubbish, isn't it? It's just gonna be shit. 230 00:11:12,643 --> 00:11:15,483 We've done fires, and what do they look like? 231 00:11:15,523 --> 00:11:18,123 HE COUGHS AND GROANS 232 00:11:18,163 --> 00:11:20,963 SCOTTISH ACCENT: No! No, you save yourself, Miss Diane! 233 00:11:21,003 --> 00:11:24,243 Don't worry about me! I've had my time! 234 00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:27,203 NOLLY: It's just a tuppenny-ha'penny flame bar 235 00:11:27,243 --> 00:11:28,963 put in front of the camera. 236 00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:32,763 If they're killing me off, then that's my death. 237 00:11:32,803 --> 00:11:35,803 Cheap and tacky and... 238 00:11:35,843 --> 00:11:37,603 pathetic! 239 00:11:54,763 --> 00:11:57,203 Have you seen? Have you been in the studio? 240 00:11:57,243 --> 00:11:58,843 I was there all day. 241 00:11:58,883 --> 00:12:00,843 They've sent this great big, team in tonight. 242 00:12:00,883 --> 00:12:03,003 All done in 40 minutes flat. 243 00:12:03,043 --> 00:12:06,083 Come and see, Nolly, it's gone. It's all gone. 244 00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:13,883 IRIS: I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 245 00:12:13,923 --> 00:12:16,923 It's not the Crossroads Motel without Reception, is it? 246 00:12:21,403 --> 00:12:25,043 That set has been standing there for 18 years. 247 00:12:25,083 --> 00:12:26,923 One of the men was from Special Effects, 248 00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:29,203 he says they're gonna take it all to an airfield, 249 00:12:29,243 --> 00:12:31,723 rebuild it on the tarmac, and then they're gonna burn it. 250 00:12:33,523 --> 00:12:35,803 They're gonna burn the whole thing down to the ground. 251 00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:40,563 All these years, they've never spent any money on this show. 252 00:12:40,603 --> 00:12:43,003 And now they're gonna spend a fortune just to get rid of you. 253 00:12:44,963 --> 00:12:47,123 I just wonder what...? 254 00:12:47,163 --> 00:12:48,523 What did I do? 255 00:12:50,443 --> 00:12:52,563 Why do they hate me so much? 256 00:12:55,723 --> 00:12:57,723 DOORBELL RINGS 257 00:12:59,803 --> 00:13:01,243 Yes, hello? 258 00:13:01,283 --> 00:13:03,323 MAN: 'Package for Miss Gordon from ATV.' 259 00:13:03,363 --> 00:13:05,123 Right, yes, coming down. 260 00:13:07,523 --> 00:13:09,083 Thank you. 261 00:13:42,803 --> 00:13:44,283 What...? 262 00:13:50,123 --> 00:13:52,963 SHE STARTS TO SOB 263 00:14:01,923 --> 00:14:05,443 SOBBING CONTINUES 264 00:14:14,043 --> 00:14:16,803 SHE CONTINUES TO SOB 265 00:14:25,283 --> 00:14:26,843 Nolly?! 266 00:14:45,723 --> 00:14:48,963 Good evening. I phoned ahead. We've saved you a seat, Miss Gordon. 267 00:14:49,003 --> 00:14:50,563 If you'd like to follow me, this way. 268 00:14:50,603 --> 00:14:52,003 Thank you 269 00:14:53,323 --> 00:14:55,003 LARRY GRAYSON: I got up this morning, 270 00:14:55,043 --> 00:14:57,723 I pulled myself off the bed. LAUGHTER 271 00:14:57,763 --> 00:14:59,363 I had my breakfast. 272 00:14:59,403 --> 00:15:01,523 Complan and a lightly-boiled egg. 273 00:15:01,563 --> 00:15:04,403 And then my friend Everard came round to oil the knocker. 274 00:15:04,443 --> 00:15:05,843 LAUGHTER 275 00:15:05,883 --> 00:15:08,523 In he walked, full of trouble. I got him a cup of beef tea. 276 00:15:08,563 --> 00:15:10,323 I said, "You need some meat inside you." 277 00:15:10,363 --> 00:15:12,963 LAUGHTER 278 00:15:13,003 --> 00:15:15,243 He said, "Shall we have a game of chess?" 279 00:15:15,283 --> 00:15:18,043 I said, "I'll not sit here and wait for you to lift your bishop." 280 00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:20,643 LAUGHTER Ooh, my hair wants washing. 281 00:15:20,683 --> 00:15:23,803 Anyway, there's a knock at the door. I said, "Friend or foe?" 282 00:15:23,843 --> 00:15:25,763 Answer came there none. So I opened the door, 283 00:15:25,803 --> 00:15:27,523 there's Slack Alice sweating like a bull. 284 00:15:27,563 --> 00:15:29,883 LAUGHTER Trouser suit too tight. 285 00:15:29,923 --> 00:15:32,043 She looked like she'd been lagged for t'winter. 286 00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:33,803 LAUGHTER 287 00:15:33,843 --> 00:15:37,243 I'd like to complain. My room was dreadful. 288 00:15:37,283 --> 00:15:39,763 I got up, I fell over Amy Turtle's bucket. 289 00:15:39,803 --> 00:15:42,683 I heard this scratching, I thought there were rats in the wall. 290 00:15:42,723 --> 00:15:44,723 It turned out to be a couple of ferrets. 291 00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:48,243 CHEERING 292 00:15:57,203 --> 00:15:59,243 I do love you, Noele. 293 00:15:59,283 --> 00:16:01,523 I keep asking him to marry me. 294 00:16:01,563 --> 00:16:03,283 But he won't. 295 00:16:03,323 --> 00:16:04,683 Oh, all right, then. 296 00:16:04,723 --> 00:16:07,243 I will! Make an honest man of me. 297 00:16:08,723 --> 00:16:10,043 I accept! 298 00:16:10,083 --> 00:16:14,283 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 299 00:16:14,323 --> 00:16:16,403 Shall we name the date, everyone? 300 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,283 LAUGHTER 301 00:16:18,323 --> 00:16:20,843 So the doctor said, "Everything's in perfect working order." 302 00:16:20,883 --> 00:16:24,203 I said, "Oh, good. Noele Gordon will be pleased." 303 00:16:24,243 --> 00:16:26,763 LAUGHTER 304 00:16:33,763 --> 00:16:35,963 KNOCK ON THE DOOR 305 00:16:36,003 --> 00:16:38,523 VIP guest for you, Mr Grayson. 306 00:16:38,563 --> 00:16:41,323 Make way. Here she comes, the Queen of Sheba. 307 00:16:42,363 --> 00:16:44,723 Oh, darling! 308 00:16:44,763 --> 00:16:48,283 You were absolutely wonderful. 309 00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:52,323 Nice little crowd, I thought. Now, you let me get changed. 310 00:16:52,363 --> 00:16:54,283 Bruce, you're not in a hurry to lock up, are you? 311 00:16:54,323 --> 00:16:56,083 No, we'll be a while, don't worry. 312 00:16:56,123 --> 00:16:57,843 Erm, it's nice to meet you, Miss Gordon, 313 00:16:57,883 --> 00:17:01,083 My mother loves you. She says you're the best-dressed woman on TV. 314 00:17:01,123 --> 00:17:03,403 Well, tell her thank you very much. 315 00:17:03,443 --> 00:17:05,563 She said it's terrible what they're doing to you. 316 00:17:05,603 --> 00:17:07,403 And I agree. 317 00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:09,363 Thank you. 318 00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:11,563 Off you go, now, this is private. 319 00:17:12,843 --> 00:17:14,403 Oh, and Bruce... 320 00:17:15,603 --> 00:17:17,163 Shut that door. 321 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:24,683 Seems like a nice boy. He's got a boyfriend called Rudy. 322 00:17:24,723 --> 00:17:27,363 I called him Trudy, but it didn't catch on. 323 00:17:27,403 --> 00:17:29,483 No-one's doing that any more. 324 00:17:29,523 --> 00:17:32,083 Now, I'd take you to dinner, but I'd better get home to Fan. 325 00:17:32,123 --> 00:17:33,643 She'll only sit up waiting. 326 00:17:33,683 --> 00:17:35,683 How is she? She's fine. She's very well. 327 00:17:35,723 --> 00:17:36,723 She's limping. 328 00:17:36,763 --> 00:17:38,923 You pour the drinks, I'll get changed. 329 00:17:41,883 --> 00:17:45,803 They sit there hand in hand, Bruce and Trudy. 330 00:17:45,843 --> 00:17:47,443 In front of anyone. 331 00:17:48,643 --> 00:17:50,403 It's a new world, Nolly. 332 00:17:50,443 --> 00:17:52,523 Well, good for them. 333 00:17:52,563 --> 00:17:54,643 I still find it strange. 334 00:17:54,683 --> 00:17:56,923 He's right, though, it's terrible, you. 335 00:17:56,963 --> 00:17:59,203 They have treated you appallingly. 336 00:17:59,243 --> 00:18:02,923 Have you found out what happens? Are they killing you off? 337 00:18:02,963 --> 00:18:05,563 Are you wearing a girdle? How dare you?! 338 00:18:05,603 --> 00:18:07,363 You cheeky thing! Well... 339 00:18:07,403 --> 00:18:10,043 we all need help these days. 340 00:18:10,083 --> 00:18:13,083 Oh... Do you remember that advert? 341 00:18:13,123 --> 00:18:16,363 "My girdle is killing me." 342 00:18:16,403 --> 00:18:18,483 Oh, I loved that. 343 00:18:18,523 --> 00:18:20,083 Anyway, yes. 344 00:18:20,123 --> 00:18:22,003 They have told me. 345 00:18:23,083 --> 00:18:24,963 I just got the final script. 346 00:18:26,003 --> 00:18:27,683 And? What happens? 347 00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:33,323 I live. You do? 348 00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:34,963 Mm-hm. 349 00:18:35,003 --> 00:18:37,843 I survive. Well, that's good news! 350 00:18:39,003 --> 00:18:40,923 I sail off on the QE2. 351 00:18:44,003 --> 00:18:45,483 You do what? 352 00:18:45,523 --> 00:18:47,243 I sail off on the QE2. 353 00:18:47,283 --> 00:18:48,963 You sail off on the QE2? 354 00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:50,483 I do. What for? 355 00:18:51,643 --> 00:18:53,043 A new life. 356 00:18:54,163 --> 00:18:56,123 Hold on. 357 00:18:56,163 --> 00:18:57,963 It's all some sort of flimflam. Mm. 358 00:18:59,483 --> 00:19:02,323 Meg is tired of the motel. 359 00:19:02,363 --> 00:19:04,643 Erm, it's all rather silly, really. 360 00:19:04,683 --> 00:19:06,843 She leaves a note for Jill. 361 00:19:06,883 --> 00:19:09,963 But the motel burns down, so no-one sees the note. 362 00:19:10,003 --> 00:19:13,923 Then she telephones and Jill rushes off to see her. 363 00:19:13,963 --> 00:19:16,123 On the actual QE2. 364 00:19:16,163 --> 00:19:17,563 The real thing. 365 00:19:17,603 --> 00:19:19,803 There's a call sheet for Southampton. 366 00:19:19,843 --> 00:19:21,603 We're driving down on Monday. 367 00:19:22,763 --> 00:19:25,243 Could be rather impressive. For once. 368 00:19:28,323 --> 00:19:31,323 You sail off... on the QE2? 369 00:19:31,363 --> 00:19:33,523 I know. 370 00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:36,883 That is so wonderful. It's... ridiculous! 371 00:19:36,923 --> 00:19:38,843 THEY BOTH LAUGH 372 00:19:38,883 --> 00:19:42,203 Oh, I couldn't be happier! Oh, Nolly! 373 00:19:42,243 --> 00:19:44,323 You're alive! I am! 374 00:19:44,363 --> 00:19:45,763 Hurrah! 375 00:19:45,803 --> 00:19:48,083 THEY BOTH LAUGH 376 00:19:49,203 --> 00:19:52,003 I can't help thinking, don't get cross... 377 00:19:52,043 --> 00:19:54,643 but if he was still alive, he'd have helped, 378 00:19:54,683 --> 00:19:56,963 he'd have come charging to your rescue. 379 00:19:57,003 --> 00:19:58,643 That's very romantic. 380 00:20:00,123 --> 00:20:02,443 But I don't think he ever followed Crossroads. 381 00:20:02,483 --> 00:20:04,123 I'm sticking to my version. 382 00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:06,483 I think he loved you right to the end. 383 00:20:06,523 --> 00:20:08,643 Despite the evidence. 384 00:20:08,683 --> 00:20:10,243 Do you miss him? 385 00:20:11,883 --> 00:20:13,523 Life goes on. 386 00:20:14,843 --> 00:20:17,283 Well, bright things ahead, darling. 387 00:20:17,323 --> 00:20:19,563 Brightness and joy. You've been set free. 388 00:20:19,603 --> 00:20:21,523 You're gonna be a bigger star than ever. 389 00:20:21,563 --> 00:20:23,643 Oh, I don't think so. They'll be clamouring for you. 390 00:20:23,683 --> 00:20:25,363 Brideshead Revisited, you could do that, 391 00:20:25,403 --> 00:20:26,923 you could be a lady in a country house. 392 00:20:26,963 --> 00:20:28,763 I can see it now. 393 00:20:28,803 --> 00:20:31,083 You'll be on the BBC. No, I really don't think so. 394 00:20:31,123 --> 00:20:32,963 You'll have your own show. No, I won't. 395 00:20:33,003 --> 00:20:35,283 You can have anything you want. No, I won't, Larry. 396 00:20:35,323 --> 00:20:37,043 Because I've tried and tried and tried. 397 00:20:37,083 --> 00:20:38,403 And they won't have me. 398 00:20:38,443 --> 00:20:40,243 The BBC. Granada. 399 00:20:40,283 --> 00:20:43,123 Everyone. I've knocked on every, single door. 400 00:20:43,163 --> 00:20:45,563 I'm just an old soap star... 401 00:20:45,603 --> 00:20:47,403 who's been sacked. 402 00:20:47,443 --> 00:20:50,203 You're far more than that. I know exactly who I am. 403 00:20:51,323 --> 00:20:54,163 I'm just a middling actress in a middling show. 404 00:20:54,203 --> 00:20:55,643 And that is fine. 405 00:20:55,683 --> 00:20:58,163 I could have carried on for a hundred years. 406 00:20:58,203 --> 00:20:59,723 But... 407 00:20:59,763 --> 00:21:01,923 they took it all away. 408 00:21:05,763 --> 00:21:07,323 I'm chucking it in. 409 00:21:08,323 --> 00:21:10,763 What, The Generation Game? Yeah. 410 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:12,523 You are not! 411 00:21:12,563 --> 00:21:14,123 It's done. I'm out. 412 00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,923 But it's the most successful show on television. 413 00:21:17,963 --> 00:21:19,123 Not any more. 414 00:21:19,163 --> 00:21:22,563 We got beaten in the ratings by Game For A Laugh. 415 00:21:22,603 --> 00:21:25,763 I wouldn't mind, but it's hosted by that man Jeremy Beadle. 416 00:21:25,803 --> 00:21:27,803 He's only got half a hand. 417 00:21:27,843 --> 00:21:30,563 I've been beaten by a man with half a hand. 418 00:21:30,603 --> 00:21:33,683 It's time to say... goodbye. 419 00:21:35,483 --> 00:21:37,043 Oh, my goodness. 420 00:21:37,083 --> 00:21:40,443 Well, it's all got a bit coarse, hasn't it, TV? 421 00:21:40,483 --> 00:21:42,283 A bit loud. 422 00:21:42,323 --> 00:21:43,963 Well, what will you do? 423 00:21:45,483 --> 00:21:48,323 I'll go back to Nuneaton with Fan. 424 00:21:48,363 --> 00:21:51,523 She's looked after me all my life. Now I can look after her. 425 00:21:51,563 --> 00:21:53,963 Ah, I give it five minutes, you'll be snapped up. 426 00:21:54,003 --> 00:21:55,763 Like you? 427 00:21:58,923 --> 00:22:02,883 That's us, darling, two old dinosaurs bellowing at the night, 428 00:22:02,923 --> 00:22:04,683 while the boys sit hand in hand. 429 00:22:06,603 --> 00:22:10,723 I still get cards congratulating us on our engagement. 430 00:22:11,723 --> 00:22:14,363 I get it every day. People on the street say, 431 00:22:14,403 --> 00:22:16,123 "When's the happy day?" 432 00:22:16,163 --> 00:22:17,883 They think it's really true. 433 00:22:20,483 --> 00:22:24,083 What do they see... when they look at me? 434 00:22:25,443 --> 00:22:27,483 What do they actually see? 435 00:22:35,763 --> 00:22:37,283 I'm not... 436 00:22:41,683 --> 00:22:44,163 I don't know... 437 00:22:44,203 --> 00:22:45,923 what I'll do. 438 00:22:47,323 --> 00:22:51,203 Because you can go home and live with your sister. 439 00:22:51,243 --> 00:22:53,403 That's what you've always done. 440 00:22:53,443 --> 00:22:54,723 But, er... 441 00:22:55,923 --> 00:22:58,843 ..I wasted all those years. 442 00:23:00,723 --> 00:23:02,523 I kept my life empty. 443 00:23:03,803 --> 00:23:05,803 And waiting. 444 00:23:05,843 --> 00:23:07,363 I was waiting for him. 445 00:23:12,203 --> 00:23:13,523 But now... 446 00:23:14,683 --> 00:23:16,163 ..I stop filming... 447 00:23:19,243 --> 00:23:20,963 ..I've got nothing. 448 00:23:22,483 --> 00:23:24,043 That... 449 00:23:24,083 --> 00:23:26,243 is my life outside the show. 450 00:23:27,603 --> 00:23:28,963 Nothing. 451 00:23:30,723 --> 00:23:32,483 Oh, darling. 452 00:23:35,683 --> 00:23:37,443 What am I going to do? 453 00:23:46,523 --> 00:23:49,043 SHIP'S HORN BLARES 454 00:24:19,803 --> 00:24:21,483 Come on, Mother. 455 00:24:42,403 --> 00:24:44,323 Is there any word from Southampton? God knows. 456 00:24:44,363 --> 00:24:45,643 They're on a tight schedule. 457 00:24:45,683 --> 00:24:47,563 Got to shoot everything before the boat sails. 458 00:24:47,603 --> 00:24:49,203 Ship. It's called a ship. 459 00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:52,563 My mother once owned a fishing trawler, 460 00:24:52,603 --> 00:24:54,283 and she always said... 461 00:24:54,323 --> 00:24:56,523 Actually, can you move it to here? Thank you. 462 00:25:07,003 --> 00:25:08,763 I thought you'd be... 463 00:25:10,443 --> 00:25:12,963 Never mention the Scottish Play. Never whistle backstage. 464 00:25:13,003 --> 00:25:15,243 And never sit in Nolly's chair. 465 00:25:15,283 --> 00:25:16,723 These things remain... 466 00:25:18,203 --> 00:25:19,883 ..inviolable. Mm. 467 00:25:22,043 --> 00:25:24,323 PAUL: You'd think ATV would arrange something, 468 00:25:24,363 --> 00:25:26,523 like goodbye drinks and a gold clock. 469 00:25:26,563 --> 00:25:29,003 All they gave her... 470 00:25:29,043 --> 00:25:30,843 was a fruit bowl. 471 00:25:30,883 --> 00:25:34,203 She was so nice to me. Every single day. 472 00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:36,883 Taught me everything. 473 00:25:38,083 --> 00:25:40,243 Funny to think of her on the QE2. 474 00:25:41,443 --> 00:25:43,523 Two stately royal barges! 475 00:25:43,563 --> 00:25:45,083 SHE LAUGHS 476 00:25:45,123 --> 00:25:47,403 SUSAN: She's all on her own. 477 00:25:47,443 --> 00:25:50,083 Jane's with her. I know, but... 478 00:25:50,123 --> 00:25:53,003 she's spent decades in this studio. 479 00:25:53,043 --> 00:25:54,563 I mean, she knows everyone. 480 00:25:54,603 --> 00:25:57,683 Not just us. I mean, the cleaners and the security guards, 481 00:25:57,723 --> 00:26:00,283 the girls on reception. Everyone. 482 00:26:00,323 --> 00:26:01,963 Knows all their birthdays. 483 00:26:02,003 --> 00:26:04,163 But then her final day's in Southampton. 484 00:26:04,203 --> 00:26:06,003 Miles away. 485 00:26:06,043 --> 00:26:09,763 I asked. They said the last shot is her sailing away. 486 00:26:09,803 --> 00:26:12,243 The camera's on land, she's on board, 487 00:26:12,283 --> 00:26:14,283 and the QE2 can't turn back. 488 00:26:14,323 --> 00:26:17,523 So she goes all the way to Cherbourg on her own. 489 00:26:17,563 --> 00:26:20,683 And then she has to fly back, no-one with her. 490 00:26:20,723 --> 00:26:22,083 It's wrong! 491 00:26:23,123 --> 00:26:24,403 Yeah. 492 00:26:26,803 --> 00:26:29,163 Rodney, love, I was thinking. 493 00:26:29,203 --> 00:26:31,523 I'm only in scenes seven and nine with the greens. 494 00:26:31,563 --> 00:26:33,163 All my big stuff's tomorrow. 495 00:26:33,203 --> 00:26:35,723 Can we rehearse that first? I just need to slip off. 496 00:26:35,763 --> 00:26:37,683 Erm, no, to be honest. 497 00:26:37,723 --> 00:26:40,443 It's just something's cropped up. Yes, it's a ridiculous week. 498 00:26:40,483 --> 00:26:42,323 I think we need to stick to the schedule. 499 00:26:44,483 --> 00:26:45,963 OK. 500 00:26:46,003 --> 00:26:47,963 Sorry. It's OK. 501 00:26:54,403 --> 00:26:56,043 No. 502 00:26:56,083 --> 00:26:58,363 It's not OK. It's absolutely not. 503 00:26:58,403 --> 00:27:01,243 Sorry, look, scene seven, I'll stand there. 504 00:27:01,283 --> 00:27:03,483 Scene nine, I'll stand here. 505 00:27:03,523 --> 00:27:05,963 Put a chair in my place, nobody'll notice the difference 506 00:27:06,003 --> 00:27:07,643 because it never sodding changes. 507 00:27:07,683 --> 00:27:10,483 I do the same thing every day, every week, every year. 508 00:27:10,523 --> 00:27:12,163 I've done it five thousand times. 509 00:27:12,203 --> 00:27:14,363 Get a performing monkey, he'll be much better than me. 510 00:27:14,403 --> 00:27:15,923 Now, I really have to go 511 00:27:15,963 --> 00:27:18,323 cos I've got something much more important to do. Bye-bye! 512 00:27:20,923 --> 00:27:22,763 Can I have your autograph? Sorry! 513 00:27:30,563 --> 00:27:33,403 JACK: Right, that seems to work. 514 00:27:33,443 --> 00:27:34,763 SHIP'S HORN BLARES 515 00:27:34,803 --> 00:27:36,643 We're good to go. Everyone, thanks very much. 516 00:27:36,683 --> 00:27:38,243 Nolly, are you happy? 517 00:27:38,283 --> 00:27:40,963 Am I happy? Yes. Is everything OK? 518 00:27:42,003 --> 00:27:43,603 Well, it depends. 519 00:27:44,603 --> 00:27:47,883 You promised me the biggest suite on the QE2. 520 00:27:47,923 --> 00:27:50,523 But you didn't promise me enough kit 521 00:27:50,563 --> 00:27:53,763 to light the biggest suite on the QE2, did you? 522 00:27:53,803 --> 00:27:57,643 So we end up shooting in a tiny, little corner. 523 00:27:58,643 --> 00:28:01,243 It's a box. It's a crate. 524 00:28:01,283 --> 00:28:05,003 It's only marginally better than a hammock in steerage. 525 00:28:05,043 --> 00:28:09,363 If you look under the bed, you might find two refugee stowaways. 526 00:28:09,403 --> 00:28:13,803 Let alone what happens to Meg when she gets to New York. 527 00:28:13,843 --> 00:28:16,323 Has she got a visa? 528 00:28:16,363 --> 00:28:19,723 Can she get a job? Can she live there? 529 00:28:19,763 --> 00:28:24,283 Has anyone in the office actually sat down and thought this through? 530 00:28:24,323 --> 00:28:26,683 So, if you ask me if I'm happy, 531 00:28:26,723 --> 00:28:28,683 then the answer is no. 532 00:28:32,523 --> 00:28:35,243 You're going to miss me, Jack. 533 00:28:35,283 --> 00:28:37,163 I apologise. 534 00:28:37,203 --> 00:28:39,243 I wish things were better. 535 00:28:39,283 --> 00:28:41,403 Now, can we go? 536 00:28:43,563 --> 00:28:45,723 Yes. OK. Ready? 537 00:28:45,763 --> 00:28:48,443 Jane? Yes. 538 00:28:48,483 --> 00:28:49,763 Nolly? Ready. 539 00:28:49,803 --> 00:28:51,523 Break a leg. Thank you. 540 00:28:51,563 --> 00:28:53,963 Checks, happy? Happy. 541 00:28:54,003 --> 00:28:55,323 Happy. 542 00:28:55,363 --> 00:28:57,723 Turn over. Turning. 543 00:28:57,763 --> 00:29:00,563 Sound speed. Stand by. 544 00:29:00,603 --> 00:29:03,483 Scene 14. Farewell to Meg. 545 00:29:04,483 --> 00:29:05,803 And... 546 00:29:08,083 --> 00:29:09,563 ..action. 547 00:29:12,723 --> 00:29:14,083 Mum! 548 00:29:14,123 --> 00:29:16,283 I thought you were... Darling. 549 00:29:16,323 --> 00:29:19,323 Oh! What's wrong? 550 00:29:28,803 --> 00:29:31,483 Mr Adams, sir. I've not seen you for a while. 551 00:29:31,523 --> 00:29:34,283 No, I've been busy. You're in a hurry. 552 00:29:35,803 --> 00:29:37,563 I'm meeting an old friend. 553 00:29:52,763 --> 00:29:54,203 JACK: Right, so... 554 00:29:54,243 --> 00:29:56,323 you've got this bit to yourself. 555 00:29:56,363 --> 00:29:58,123 If anyone tries to say hello, 556 00:29:58,163 --> 00:30:00,843 we've got the crew to keep an eye on you. 557 00:30:00,883 --> 00:30:03,763 I will need you to stand here. Does that work? 558 00:30:04,923 --> 00:30:06,883 Whatever you say. We'll be down there. 559 00:30:06,923 --> 00:30:09,843 And as soon as the ship moves off, I will give a cue to Jane. 560 00:30:09,883 --> 00:30:12,163 When she starts waving, you wave back. 561 00:30:12,203 --> 00:30:13,683 I will cue the brass band. 562 00:30:13,723 --> 00:30:16,843 We'll keep recording for as long as we can, 563 00:30:16,883 --> 00:30:20,123 just keep waving all the way into the distance. 564 00:30:21,203 --> 00:30:25,203 What are they playing? Er... Oh, Life On The Ocean Wave. 565 00:30:25,243 --> 00:30:28,323 A bit celebratory. Glad to see me go? 566 00:30:28,363 --> 00:30:31,203 OK, I suppose this is it. We'll say goodbye. 567 00:30:31,243 --> 00:30:33,243 Final checks, Iris? 568 00:30:35,163 --> 00:30:38,563 You don't need me, you never did. You look lovely. 569 00:30:38,603 --> 00:30:41,443 Thank you for everything. I love you, Nolly. 570 00:30:45,043 --> 00:30:47,443 Careful. I won't spoil it. 571 00:30:51,203 --> 00:30:52,563 Liz. 572 00:30:53,843 --> 00:30:55,083 Oh! 573 00:30:55,123 --> 00:30:57,283 We had such good times. 574 00:30:57,323 --> 00:30:59,963 We did. We really did. 575 00:31:00,003 --> 00:31:02,723 Bad times, too. Yeah. 576 00:31:02,763 --> 00:31:05,283 1973, do you remember? 577 00:31:05,323 --> 00:31:07,443 My parents died in a car crash. 578 00:31:08,843 --> 00:31:10,843 They were on their way to see me, and they died. 579 00:31:10,883 --> 00:31:12,243 And... 580 00:31:12,283 --> 00:31:14,283 I had to go back to work on Crossroads, 581 00:31:14,323 --> 00:31:16,643 and the cast were so nice to me. 582 00:31:16,683 --> 00:31:19,323 You were all so nice. 583 00:31:20,963 --> 00:31:25,123 And on the day I got married, Nolly offered me her Rolls-Royce. 584 00:31:26,203 --> 00:31:27,683 And she drove me. 585 00:31:29,603 --> 00:31:32,043 I had no-one to give me away. 586 00:31:33,243 --> 00:31:34,923 Nolly drove me to my wedding. 587 00:31:35,923 --> 00:31:37,323 I know. 588 00:31:38,523 --> 00:31:40,323 Well, make sure they know upstairs. 589 00:31:40,363 --> 00:31:42,323 Because it shouldn't be forgotten... 590 00:31:44,123 --> 00:31:46,523 ..we worked with an absolute star. 591 00:31:47,603 --> 00:31:48,883 Thank you. 592 00:31:51,403 --> 00:31:53,123 Jack. 593 00:31:53,163 --> 00:31:54,323 Thank you. 594 00:31:57,763 --> 00:31:59,763 Right, if we could make tracks? 595 00:32:00,883 --> 00:32:03,923 You'll take your cue off Jane. I know how it works. 596 00:32:05,203 --> 00:32:06,923 Off we go, then. 597 00:32:26,483 --> 00:32:29,203 SHIP'S HORN BLARES And cue Jane. 598 00:32:31,923 --> 00:32:34,203 Cue the brass band! 599 00:32:34,243 --> 00:32:37,243 BAND PLAYS: 'Life On The Ocean Wave' 600 00:32:42,803 --> 00:32:44,443 JACK: No, we need a bit more. 601 00:32:45,443 --> 00:32:47,843 SCREAMS: Give it a bit more! 602 00:32:50,243 --> 00:32:51,603 Give it a bit more, Jane! 603 00:32:51,643 --> 00:32:52,923 I am. 604 00:32:53,963 --> 00:32:55,283 It's not really working. 605 00:32:55,323 --> 00:32:57,483 Well, what am I supposed to do? 606 00:32:57,523 --> 00:33:00,083 Give it... Just give it more oomph! 607 00:33:00,123 --> 00:33:01,603 SCREAMS: Oomph! 608 00:33:01,643 --> 00:33:03,603 So stupid. 609 00:33:03,643 --> 00:33:05,163 TONY: Nolly! 610 00:33:07,163 --> 00:33:08,403 Nolly! 611 00:33:08,443 --> 00:33:10,003 SHIP'S HORN BLARES 612 00:33:10,043 --> 00:33:11,403 Nolly! 613 00:33:12,723 --> 00:33:14,283 SHE LAUGHS 614 00:33:14,323 --> 00:33:17,123 SHIP'S HORN BLARES 615 00:33:17,163 --> 00:33:19,283 You idiot! 616 00:33:22,803 --> 00:33:24,283 That's it. 617 00:33:24,323 --> 00:33:26,723 Over here! 618 00:33:26,763 --> 00:33:28,843 Over here! 619 00:33:28,883 --> 00:33:30,483 Yes! 620 00:33:30,523 --> 00:33:32,003 Yes! 621 00:33:34,363 --> 00:33:36,363 And cut! 622 00:34:00,123 --> 00:34:02,443 MUSIC PLAYS ON THE TELEVISION 623 00:34:18,563 --> 00:34:19,003 MUSIC STOPS 624 00:34:19,043 --> 00:34:22,483 MAN: After the News at 5:45, we'll have all the headlines 625 00:34:22,523 --> 00:34:24,443 from ATV Today at 6 o'clock. 626 00:34:24,483 --> 00:34:27,323 At 6:25, there's another edition of Help. 627 00:34:27,363 --> 00:34:30,363 And at 6:35, it's the one you've all been waiting for. 628 00:34:30,403 --> 00:34:32,243 Did Meg survive the fire? 629 00:34:33,403 --> 00:34:36,283 Find out the truth on tonight's Crossroads. 630 00:34:36,323 --> 00:34:38,763 MUSIC PLAYS ON THE TELEVISION 631 00:34:42,643 --> 00:34:44,003 Hm. 632 00:34:47,523 --> 00:34:49,443 SHE HUMS SOFTLY 633 00:35:03,003 --> 00:35:05,403 Now? Now! 634 00:35:08,763 --> 00:35:10,523 Ah, I wanted to watch it go out. 635 00:35:10,563 --> 00:35:12,963 I don't trust those bastards. They might change the ending. 636 00:35:13,003 --> 00:35:15,043 Let them. I don't care. 637 00:35:15,083 --> 00:35:16,923 I thought you wanted me to drive. 638 00:35:16,963 --> 00:35:19,523 We're going shopping the old way. 639 00:35:19,563 --> 00:35:21,323 Like we used to. 640 00:35:21,363 --> 00:35:22,723 HE LAUGHS 641 00:35:22,763 --> 00:35:24,363 Oh, my God! 642 00:35:28,923 --> 00:35:31,203 We're gonna have to run. I'll get it. I'll get it. 643 00:35:31,243 --> 00:35:32,483 Stop! 644 00:35:36,283 --> 00:35:38,083 After you, Miss Gordon. 645 00:35:40,443 --> 00:35:42,843 Hello. Good evening. 646 00:35:42,883 --> 00:35:44,523 Good evening. Evening. 647 00:35:44,563 --> 00:35:47,443 Hello. Good evening. 648 00:35:47,483 --> 00:35:48,883 Hello. 649 00:35:48,923 --> 00:35:51,803 Good evening. Good evening. 650 00:35:51,843 --> 00:35:53,683 Hello. 651 00:35:53,723 --> 00:35:55,203 Hello. Good evening. 652 00:35:57,763 --> 00:36:00,523 Next stop, the Crossroads Motel! BELL DINGS 653 00:36:00,563 --> 00:36:02,363 LAUGHTER 654 00:36:10,763 --> 00:36:13,763 It's you, isn't it? Yes, I'm afraid it is. 655 00:36:13,803 --> 00:36:16,643 I thought you'd be at home tonight watching TV. 656 00:36:16,683 --> 00:36:18,403 Why? Is there something on? 657 00:36:18,443 --> 00:36:20,043 LAUGHTER 658 00:36:20,083 --> 00:36:22,203 Isn't it lovely about Princess Diana? 659 00:36:22,243 --> 00:36:26,003 Oh, it's wonderful. A bonny little baby to cheer us all up. 660 00:36:26,043 --> 00:36:29,123 Oh, but I can't wait, though. What happens to Meg? 661 00:36:29,163 --> 00:36:31,803 Is she alive? Oh, can't you tell us, please? 662 00:36:31,843 --> 00:36:34,203 Now, don't be naughty. You'll just have to watch. 663 00:36:34,243 --> 00:36:36,083 I will. I rush home every night, 664 00:36:36,123 --> 00:36:38,523 I get in at bang on 06:30, just in time. 665 00:36:38,563 --> 00:36:41,523 A cup of tea and Crossroads, that's my treat. 666 00:36:41,563 --> 00:36:43,563 I've got a VHS machine. 667 00:36:43,603 --> 00:36:46,363 I bought a brand-new tape so I won't miss a second, Nolly. 668 00:36:46,403 --> 00:36:48,203 Well, I hope you enjoy it. 669 00:36:48,243 --> 00:36:50,843 Oh, I'm only watching for him! 670 00:36:50,883 --> 00:36:53,723 Oh, steady on, girls! Is he spoken for, Nolly? 671 00:36:53,763 --> 00:36:57,003 Er, well, he's spoken about. LAUGHTER 672 00:36:57,043 --> 00:36:58,683 I'd take my teeth out for him! 673 00:36:58,723 --> 00:37:00,683 LAUGHTER 674 00:37:00,723 --> 00:37:03,283 I feel a bit left out over here. 675 00:37:03,323 --> 00:37:06,523 I never watch Coronation Street. It's Crossroads. 676 00:37:07,523 --> 00:37:09,923 I don't know who you are. 677 00:37:09,963 --> 00:37:11,603 Yes, and why should you? 678 00:37:12,883 --> 00:37:15,603 I hope you don't mind my saying, Miss Gordon, 679 00:37:15,643 --> 00:37:19,243 but I've read everything in the papers and I still don't understand. 680 00:37:19,283 --> 00:37:21,323 Why did they get rid of you? 681 00:37:21,363 --> 00:37:24,323 Yeah, why? They must be mad! 682 00:37:24,363 --> 00:37:26,683 We've been watching you in our house ever since I was a kid. 683 00:37:26,723 --> 00:37:28,883 Nolly, you put this city on the map. 684 00:37:28,923 --> 00:37:30,443 So, why did they do it? 685 00:37:30,483 --> 00:37:32,443 Well, I don't know. I wish I knew. 686 00:37:32,483 --> 00:37:35,243 They must have given you a reason. I don't know. 687 00:37:35,283 --> 00:37:38,363 I mean, I'm sober, I'm clean. 688 00:37:38,403 --> 00:37:41,283 I'm quiet-living and I learn my lines. 689 00:37:41,323 --> 00:37:42,883 And then, suddenly, they... 690 00:37:42,923 --> 00:37:45,163 Oh, it's disgraceful, Nolly. Shame on them. 691 00:37:45,203 --> 00:37:47,963 But who did it? Who was it? 692 00:37:48,003 --> 00:37:50,683 Who did it to you? Well, who do you think it was? 693 00:37:50,723 --> 00:37:52,883 Who is it always? Men! 694 00:37:52,923 --> 00:37:55,763 Oh... No surprises there! 695 00:37:55,803 --> 00:37:57,163 I knew it! 696 00:37:57,203 --> 00:37:58,803 Isn't it, though? 697 00:37:58,843 --> 00:38:01,403 Upstairs in their suits. 698 00:38:01,443 --> 00:38:03,643 And their pipes. And their looks. 699 00:38:03,683 --> 00:38:05,803 The looks they give you, girls, that roll of the eyes 700 00:38:05,843 --> 00:38:07,403 every time you say something. 701 00:38:07,443 --> 00:38:10,083 I'm rather worried about Jim. 702 00:38:10,123 --> 00:38:12,883 That is Mrs Dale's Diary! 703 00:38:12,923 --> 00:38:15,483 They're all the same. No, they're not! 704 00:38:15,523 --> 00:38:18,403 All right, love, I don't know what you're getting so worked up about. 705 00:38:18,443 --> 00:38:20,403 It's just a programme. Excuse me? 706 00:38:20,443 --> 00:38:24,123 It's a programme I've been watching for 20 years. 707 00:38:24,163 --> 00:38:25,963 Yeah, it means an awful lot to me. 708 00:38:26,003 --> 00:38:28,203 My mother loves it. My sister loves it. 709 00:38:28,243 --> 00:38:31,523 Both my daughters love it. Well, that says it all, doesn't it? 710 00:38:31,563 --> 00:38:32,963 It's for women. 711 00:38:33,003 --> 00:38:34,963 And what does that mean? OK, let's... 712 00:38:35,003 --> 00:38:36,563 No, no, no, what does that mean? 713 00:38:38,163 --> 00:38:40,803 Well, no offence, love. 714 00:38:40,843 --> 00:38:44,323 But... it's a load of old rubbish, isn't it? 715 00:38:44,363 --> 00:38:46,643 I mean, it's just silly. 716 00:38:46,683 --> 00:38:49,803 Oh, is it? Is that how it works? 717 00:38:49,843 --> 00:38:53,883 Cos women, we sit there with our soap operas... 718 00:38:53,923 --> 00:38:56,803 and we're all just a bit ridiculous, aren't we? 719 00:38:57,803 --> 00:39:00,523 Aren't we stupid? Aren't we soft? 720 00:39:00,563 --> 00:39:02,843 While men have the pub, 721 00:39:02,883 --> 00:39:04,843 and football, and beer. 722 00:39:04,883 --> 00:39:07,963 Oh, and those are important things, aren't they? 723 00:39:08,003 --> 00:39:12,323 They're serious, they're valid, they are worthwhile. 724 00:39:12,363 --> 00:39:14,483 So men can sit back and spread their legs 725 00:39:14,523 --> 00:39:18,003 and look at the things that we love with contempt. 726 00:39:18,043 --> 00:39:20,843 With a curl of the lip. With a sneer. 727 00:39:20,883 --> 00:39:23,003 Well, let me tell you... 728 00:39:24,123 --> 00:39:25,963 ..we feel contempt. 729 00:39:26,003 --> 00:39:28,443 We can sneer. 730 00:39:28,483 --> 00:39:31,123 We curl our lips in disgust. 731 00:39:31,163 --> 00:39:33,243 And do you know when that is? 732 00:39:33,283 --> 00:39:36,083 When you walk into the bedroom and drop your trousers 733 00:39:36,123 --> 00:39:39,443 and stand there in saggy, yellowing underpants! 734 00:39:39,483 --> 00:39:41,203 LAUGHTER 735 00:39:41,243 --> 00:39:43,563 Isn't that right, girls? ALL: Yes! 736 00:39:43,603 --> 00:39:46,083 And then it gets worse. Then you take them off. 737 00:39:46,123 --> 00:39:48,323 HOWLS OF LAUGHTER 738 00:39:50,683 --> 00:39:52,443 No charge, Nolly. No charge. 739 00:39:52,483 --> 00:39:54,043 Thank you. 740 00:39:54,083 --> 00:39:55,643 BELL DINGS 741 00:39:55,683 --> 00:39:57,243 Don't forget to watch! 742 00:39:59,043 --> 00:40:00,723 Bye! 743 00:40:03,163 --> 00:40:05,403 Well, that was fun. Oh, much fun. 744 00:40:05,443 --> 00:40:08,403 They've got a story for the grandchildren. Yes. 745 00:40:08,443 --> 00:40:10,243 Where do you fancy shopping, Rackhams? 746 00:40:10,283 --> 00:40:12,803 Oh, no, sod that. I want steak. 747 00:40:12,843 --> 00:40:16,403 And I want red wine. And I want Black Forest gateau. 748 00:40:16,443 --> 00:40:19,643 And you can let me pay for once. Good God! 749 00:40:19,683 --> 00:40:21,483 Just the once. No starter. 750 00:40:21,523 --> 00:40:24,163 But I would like to congratulate you, Miss Gordon. 751 00:40:24,203 --> 00:40:28,043 You were absolutely magnificent for 18 years. 752 00:40:28,083 --> 00:40:30,523 Well, I tried. 753 00:40:30,563 --> 00:40:32,523 No, you were wonderful. 754 00:40:33,763 --> 00:40:36,403 I still can't work it out, darling. Why did they get rid of you? 755 00:40:37,523 --> 00:40:39,523 I'm going to have to sell your flat. 756 00:40:39,563 --> 00:40:41,963 And the Rolls is going to have to go back. 757 00:40:42,003 --> 00:40:43,923 That's all right. We'll blunder on. 758 00:40:45,083 --> 00:40:46,883 God, we'll miss you. 759 00:40:46,923 --> 00:40:49,203 No, you won't. And that's an order. 760 00:40:49,243 --> 00:40:53,843 You will go in to work and carry on like you always have. 761 00:41:00,083 --> 00:41:01,683 TONY: I think so. 762 00:41:03,363 --> 00:41:05,163 NOLLY: And, you, be careful. 763 00:41:05,203 --> 00:41:07,923 Because it's a machine, that programme. 764 00:41:07,963 --> 00:41:10,483 Mm. And the machine... 765 00:41:10,523 --> 00:41:12,043 is ruthless. 766 00:41:12,083 --> 00:41:13,763 Next week's scripts. 767 00:41:13,803 --> 00:41:15,763 KEITH: Positions, please. Keep it quiet. 768 00:41:15,803 --> 00:41:17,723 Let's have less of the chat. 769 00:41:17,763 --> 00:41:21,163 We are on green, scene 40A, picking up from the top. 770 00:41:21,203 --> 00:41:22,683 Thank you. 771 00:41:22,723 --> 00:41:24,963 Where's mine? Sorry, nothing for you. 772 00:41:26,123 --> 00:41:28,163 In five, four... 773 00:41:30,963 --> 00:41:34,083 MAN: And I speak the truth. I don't mean to upset you, Miss Diane. 774 00:41:34,123 --> 00:41:35,603 But that man was telling a lie. 775 00:41:42,403 --> 00:41:44,563 TONY: And what about you? 776 00:41:44,603 --> 00:41:46,643 NOLLY: Oh, time to fade away, I think. 777 00:41:46,683 --> 00:41:48,283 Like... 778 00:41:48,323 --> 00:41:51,603 nice, little cottage. Roses over the door. 779 00:41:51,643 --> 00:41:53,483 Kettle on the hob. 780 00:41:53,523 --> 00:41:54,923 Really? 781 00:41:54,963 --> 00:41:57,883 Oh, fuck off, dear. I'm only just getting started. 782 00:41:57,923 --> 00:42:01,363 Do you think I'd let those bastards stop me? I've got plans. 783 00:42:02,563 --> 00:42:04,243 What am I going to do? 784 00:42:15,123 --> 00:42:18,323 Come with me. Come on. 785 00:42:18,363 --> 00:42:20,323 Up. Don't sit there grizzling. 786 00:42:21,563 --> 00:42:22,923 Come and see. 787 00:42:25,643 --> 00:42:27,923 Bruce, could we have some lights on? Yeah, sure. 788 00:42:27,963 --> 00:42:29,123 Len! 789 00:42:29,163 --> 00:42:30,803 Can we get some lights on, please? 790 00:42:32,083 --> 00:42:34,043 Oh, I don't think so. Hush! 791 00:42:36,043 --> 00:42:37,403 There, now. 792 00:42:38,723 --> 00:42:41,123 This is where you started. And this is where you belong. 793 00:42:42,243 --> 00:42:44,883 Larry, I am exhausted. 794 00:42:44,923 --> 00:42:46,483 Nonsense. 795 00:42:46,523 --> 00:42:49,043 I am 61 years old. 796 00:42:49,083 --> 00:42:52,563 Perfect age. Says the man who's retiring. 797 00:42:52,603 --> 00:42:54,203 I was born middle-aged. 798 00:42:54,243 --> 00:42:56,123 And you were born for this. 799 00:42:57,443 --> 00:42:59,443 Who was the first Meg you ever played? 800 00:42:59,483 --> 00:43:02,363 Meg Brockie in Brigadoon. The village tart. 801 00:43:02,403 --> 00:43:04,203 How many performances? 802 00:43:04,243 --> 00:43:06,043 One thousand. 803 00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:08,843 You auditioned in front of Frederick Loewe himself. 804 00:43:08,883 --> 00:43:10,683 And what did he say? 805 00:43:11,803 --> 00:43:13,643 He said, "Marry me." 806 00:43:13,683 --> 00:43:15,763 Because he thought you were so wonderful. 807 00:43:16,923 --> 00:43:18,323 He could see it. 808 00:43:19,443 --> 00:43:21,083 I can see it right now. 809 00:43:22,443 --> 00:43:24,243 What about you, Nolly? 810 00:43:24,283 --> 00:43:26,803 Do you think you can do it, start all over again... 811 00:43:28,003 --> 00:43:29,883 ..and show them? 812 00:43:29,923 --> 00:43:31,963 All those men. 813 00:43:33,643 --> 00:43:35,683 Everyone who ever doubted you. 814 00:43:36,963 --> 00:43:38,523 What do you think? 815 00:43:46,803 --> 00:43:49,363 Oh, watch me. 816 00:43:52,283 --> 00:43:55,723 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com