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♪ I can let my hair down ♪
♪ I can say anything crazy ♪
♪ I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground ♪
♪ With nothin' but a T-shirt on ♪
♪ I never felt so beautiful baby, as I do now ♪
♪ Now that I'm with you ♪
♪ With you with you, with you ♪
- Oh, uh, wait, wait. - What?
I just wasn't totally ready for my underwear to come off yet,
but that's fine.
Do you have a condom?
Uh, do we have to?
Well, have you had sex with anyone else
in the last few weeks?
Weeks? Uh, yeah, obviously.
Well, then, yeah, we... we have to.
I can't stay hard with a condom on.
Don't you want me to fuck you?
I mean, not without a condom.
Okay.
O... kay.
How'd you sleep?
- Um, don't interrupt. - What?
Um, I need to complete this yawn,
and every time you make a sound, I have to start over.
So just, uh, you know, don't move or talk, okay?
Okay.
- It's... it's contagious. - It's just interrupting.
Sorry.
- I hear you doing it. - I'm not doing it.
Okay, I don't care. Um...
Yeah, what are you, uh, what are you up to today?
You working?
No, um, I actually,
I got a lot of studying done this week,
so yeah, I'm... I'm free.
What are you doing?
Might get breakfast with the guys.
Cool.
Love the guys. Okay, I'm gonna go.
Aw, I wasn't kicking you out.
And you could have stayed for, like, 15 more minutes?
- Hi. - Did you just leave?
- No, five minutes away. - You're so full of shit.
You've never been five minutes away in your whole life.
Do you hear me? If you were five minutes away, you'd be up here.
This is five minutes away. You're giving 17, okay?
You're giving me Blair Witch fucking Cloverfield energy.
I have to go. It is dangerous for a woman
to walk while being on the phone.
It is not. It is safer with me, with my voice, on the phone.
You hear me? Stay away from her!
Fuck! Oh, I forgot to get her something.
What did you get her? Can we... can we split it?
What? No. I got her a cupcake.
Good idea.
♪ If you want to ♪
♪ I can save you I can take you... ♪
I mean, that's a lot of friends
that you have.
Happy birthday.
I, um, I-I-I got you an ice cream cake.
An ice cream cake?
Lucas, Lucas,
she got me an ice cream cake.
That is so n... You know me so well.
I was really hoping I could shit my pants tonight,
and now, with your help, I think I can finally do it.
- So, thank you. - You don't have to eat it.
It can just be, like, for vibes.
No, I... I get it.
It's like, what do you even get your lactose-intolerant friend
who's also struggled with an eating disorder her entire life?
Sorry.
Like, who am I? Marie Antoinette?
Pretty sure Marie Antoinette wasn't a total bitch.
Has Evan still not responded?
Have you ever seen something more humiliating
in your entire life?
No, seriously, be honest.
Well, actually, yesterday I double-checked my dating apps
to make sure they weren't paused
because I haven't had a match in three months.
So, yeah.
Well, he actually was in my dream, though.
Like, I know that's something people say
as an excuse to text someone, but he actually was in it.
So if anything, it would be weird, like, not to tell him.
Better to regret than to wonder.
Well, no, 'cause the problem is now
I can't invite him to my party,
and he's not not the reason
I decided to throw one in the first place.
Jake once went nine months without ever texting me at all,
and now I get a meme, like once a week.
Yeah, you and your sociopathic fuck buddy
aren't really, like, goals.
Well, I just, I kind of think that's the closest thing
you can get to a real relationship now.
No one is supposed to know this many opportunities exist for them.
He's supposed to know three women and then choose me.
Oh. So, your ideal dating scenario is like,
Little House on the Prairie.
Yeah, or like the distant future where everyone else is dead.
You know, in the apocalyptic future,
they won't have Matcha?
Probably.
Will you survive without Matcha?
No, Ally, you do not have to do this.
No, no, no, no, no. Do not move it to your mouth.
No, no, no. Give that to me. Kill me instead.
- Oh, no. - I'll take the fucking bullet for you.
I got it. I got the gun!
Everyone back the fuck up.
Okay?
The gun is now... a cat.
Do we even want to go to this anymore?
Your birthday party?
There's nothing there for me.
It'll be fun. And if not,
I'm sure you'll get a great story out of it.
Conversational or Instagram?
- Conversational. - I bet if we go through your phone,
we can find someone else for you to hook up with tonight.
Or we could do an activity
that would have you guys pass the Bechdel test.
You know, that guy Cooper actually liked my photo yesterday
after not engaging with my profile for, like, a year.
Perfect.
I gotta make a toast. I always do.
To Ally. Just another year older.
- Always beautiful. - Aww.
To the infinite wisdom you bestow upon us.
Whether it's the benefits of ingesting hyaluronic acid
or the merits of applying it topically.
Ally! My friend is at the door. Can you help her get in?
They shouldn't have a problem. Just tell them to say my name.
The bouncer said they're at capacity.
At capacity. Bet you didn't see that coming.
- I did. - So smart telling me to invite every guy in my DMs.
- Did I say that? - You know her. She's really...
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Excuse me. - Sorry.
I'm s... I'm sorry.
No, no. I'm... I'm so sorry. I...
You were just standing there.
I'm sorry, I opened the door.
Opening a door doesn't require an apology either, so...
Yeah.
- I'm so sorry. You probably... - Oh.
- ...want to use the restroom. - I do.
- Uh, yeah. - Yeah.
- Of course. Sorry. - Yeah.
♪ Yo, real quick, I've been pointing to the top ♪
♪ Yo, real quick, I'ma switch it from the spot ♪
♪ Yo, real quick I'ma... while it's hot ♪
♪ Yo, real quick real, real, real ♪
♪ Hit it real quick ♪
- Are you bored? - No. Why?
Well, you're on your phone at a party.
Right. Well, I didn't want to seem creepy,
you know, standing here just staring at people.
So I'm on my phone for the benefit of others, really.
Did you think I looked creepy standing alone,
not looking at my phone?
No. I thought you looked cool and mysterious.
Only I look creepy.
Well, for the record, I... I felt really weird.
Hence, me forcing you to talk to me.
Mm. Well, I'm glad we can make each other
feel less socially inept.
Yeah. It's good. It's a good thing.
Uh, I'm Finn, by the way.
- Mackenzie. - Lovely to meet you.
- How do you know Ally? - I, I don't.
My friend Alex texted the person in his contacts who does the most cocaine,
and asked where he was going, and...
- Oh, okay. - Yeah.
Well, well,
look at this beautiful baby right here.
This is Harrison. This is Alex.
- These idiots are my friends. - Hi.
These fellows are, for the lack of a better word, on the prowl.
- Sorry about that. - Yeah.
- They don't... Yeah. - My girlfriend died.
- But I'm over it. - Oh.
Should we get some drinks?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. - Yes?
- Thank you. - Sorry.
I swear to God, I'm here for moral support.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, I don't usually go out
unless I absolutely have to.
Why would you? I mean, the...
the cons so outweigh the pros.
The only pro is that you could actually meet somebody.
Yeah, and of course the worst-case scenario is
you could die.
- Mackenzie. - That...
Sorry. Uh, I'm gonna...
Who the fuck is that?
I have been stuck outside the entire night
helping people get their friends in,
and guess who's in line.
- I give up. - Evan. With a girl.
Um, hello?
Oh, sorry. What happened? Tell me again.
Can we please sit? My feet are fucking killing me.
Okay.
- What are you doing? - Oh, my God.
- What's happening? - My foot's asleep.
Oh, okay, what do you want me to do about it?
Oh my God. No, no, please help me.
What do you... What do I do?
- Okay. - My least favorite feeling ever.
Just like shake it. Like...
Like, do something. Like, please, like...
Okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.
- Please. - How's that? Is that good?
- More. It really hurts. - Okay, okay.
- Alright, alright, alright. - I really hate it.
- Is that good? - More, more, more.
- Is she jerking that guy off? - Oh, God.
- It really, really hurts. - I got you. I got you.
Evan's here. Evan just walked in.
I swear that girl he was with
has gone out with every single one of my Hinge matches.
How do you know that?
Every guy I've hooked up with in the last two years
follows her on Instagram.
It's not a coincidence.
We're on the same dating algorithm.
She's really pretty,
so maybe it's the hot girl algorithm.
Mm. She is really pretty. Thank you for that.
She's also so young that her baby photos
were taken on a third-generation iPhone.
- Thank God, I got scared it was a voice note again. - Found him.
And how has the latest listeria outbreak affected you?
I no longer feel safe ordering a Chagaccino.
I don't... I don't get the joke.
I don't think it's a sketch. I think he's a journalist.
What? Let me see.
Wow. He is a journalist.
So cool that you get, like, a real-life meet-cute at a party
filled with my reply guys,
and my only option tonight is, like, to fuck Lucas.
I consent.
Jake texted you.
I guess he's, like, obsessed with me.
Is that how he talks to you?
Yeah, I mean it's... You know, it's like our joke.
He averaged 35 points per game last year,
six assists, and 10 rebounds.
Look out for him tonight.
♪ Too cute too stylish but I look like, turn the... ♪
And that's what I'm trying to explain to you, bro.
To maximize your potential, you've gotta hustle, grind...
Could I have a little more water, please?
Yeah, sure.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
I'm gonna sleep so good tonight.
Um, do you think maybe we could talk a little first?
- Uh, okay. About what? - I don't know.
I just... I feel like we've been doing this
for almost two years, and I barely know you at all.
Yeah, sure.
Um, what do you want to know?
Well, what do you want to do after you graduate?
- Pass the bar. - O-o-obviously, yeah.
What do you want to do after that?
Become the president.
I'm sorry.
That's... cool... that's amazing.
I'm sure you will, I'm sure you will.
I'm just so tired.
Yeah, yeah, we can just go to sleep.
He didn't offer you a sweatshirt?
That's far too intimate for him.
You look cute, like an off-duty model.
Hmm, more like an off-duty rat.
No. "Thank you," period.
Thank you, period.
I did not know people still used these things.
Well, my bank account is in a pretty scary place,
so I am charging these, for some extra cash.
This is a job?
I thought it was a YouTube thing like parkour,
stealing.
Oh, so funny, Ally. You know what?
Why don't you go ahead and get fucked, okay?
Because some people actually have to work to live.
Could you imagine that? There's one.
- Lucas! - Ow!
- What the fuck? - Sorry.
You know, I'm a full-time student, just like Mackenzie.
You never give her shit.
Well, the difference is that
Mackenzie goes to law school to become a lawyer,
and you are getting an MFA in fine art
to manipulate your parents into paying your rent.
Well, you're a philistine.
- Wow. - That's not even true.
My parents only pay for my food.
Mm-hmm. I heard you on the phone with your dad the other day,
telling him that Venmo is a cafe.
That true? That's what I thought.
Hmm.
Kenz, did you enjoy your night with the human vape pen?
You know, they give us their crumbs
and we cherish them as though they were caviar.
Yeah. We sure do.
I really think you need to message the hot journalist.
No, that is so cringe. I would never do that.
- Oh, you would never do that? - No.
Well, you told me to do it yesterday.
Where should we go for breakfast, guys?
I have to go to the library.
Even though it's my birthday?
It's not anymore.
Oh, so I don't get a full weekend?
Okay. Got it.
Cool.
Birthday's a day. One day.
This does not count as us watching a movie together.
Just want to be clear about that.
Fuck.
Your tapping is distracting.
- No! - Yeah, send it.
You guys even know what's happening?
Uh, he's a schizophrenic,
and it's been an illusion the whole time.
Yeah, and the friend is actually working for the cops.
We're watching Still Alice, so...
But why?
You know, everyone hates the texting stage, but I love it.
Feeling like every thought that comes into your head
is worthy of sharing.
Mm. I'll probably never see him again, though.
You know, he might be one of those serial texters,
- for all we know. - Hate those.
I only want to type that much if I'm getting graded,
- paid, or fucked for it. - Jesus.
- He's FaceTiming me? - You have to answer.
I can't talk to him in real time.
He knows you're on your phone.
It's so fucked when people do this.
People should not be allowed to do this.
I agree.
You know, if you don't answer,
he's gonna think it's because you look bad.
But it is because I look bad.
I mean, who looks cute often enough
for a cold FaceTime?
Ugh, God.
- Hey. - Hey there.
Hey. Yeah.
Not much. Not much.
Just...
Sorry, I'm... I'm bad at FaceTime.
You can't be bad at FaceTime.
No, you can, actually, and I can already tell
that you're good at it, so...
How?
Uh, well, 'cause you chose to do it,
and... and the way you're holding the phone,
you're not afraid of, like, what angle the camera
will catch you at.
Right, right, right, right.
Um, well,
okay, I'll let you off the hook soon.
I just need to know one thing.
What is your favorite restaurant?
Restaurant dates make me nervous.
Uh, why... why is that?
Everyone can tell you're on a first date,
and they're trying to,
you know, interpret how well it's going.
Yeah, sounds fun.
The ordering is embarrassing.
One of us could order something in a certain way,
and then the other one could just lose attraction immediately.
That is true. We don't want that to happen.
Um, okay, okay.
Um, I can figure something out.
I'll figure something out.
I don't love surprises.
Mm-hmm. Let me guess. They make you nervous?
Okay, I'm actually going now.
- Bye. - Love you. Have fun.
I swear, guys,
doing this for 40 minutes a day got my cheekbones...
I promise your body will know to stop shitting once you leave.
You just have... You just have to go.
I thought we said no dinner.
Well, it's not dinner in public.
I don't get it.
Mr. Grantham.
- Please, follow me. - You're kidding me.
I wanted to do something special for you.
I promise you I'll do my best to stay attracted to you while you order.
Thank you.
And if anybody asks,
we're doing a special on the restaurant.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, we're closed for the night.
There's a table seated right there.
Uh, it's a private event.
This is an event?
Should we just, like, let them eat here?
'Cause it's kind of garnering more attention
than just regular eating in public.
No. Fuck 'em.
It's for you.
He was so funny.
I mean, he would stay up for hours
and hours and hours just telling stories.
No one could light up a room like him.
How could you possibly know that Abraham Lincoln was funny?
I've read books on him.
Yeah, the fact that you've read multiple books on Abraham Lincoln
and I haven't read a single book, period.
You must read law books.
Mm. That's not really reading.
It's soullessly absorbing words.
Well, what kind of laws that you want to practice?
I'm mostly interested in city politics.
- Mm-hmm. - I don't know,
just working on something for years
and then seeing it affected into law
and getting to watch it all play out
in real life weirdly excites me.
It... it's obviously extremely boring
and uninteresting to talk about,
not to mention a completely unoriginal career path, so...
Not to me.
You're the only person under 30 I know
that's not trying to make a Forbes list.
Yeah, that's 'cause I'm a mediocre person.
Mediocre people don't know they're mediocre.
Seriously, though, it's, um...
I think it's really impressive what you do.
What you do is really impressive.
- I could never do that. - Sure you could.
It's so easy. Just ask me questions.
Okay. Let's see.
Okay.
What are your three favorite animals and why?
Really? Okay.
Uh, first, I'd say the red panda.
I did a story on them about a year ago.
They're endangered, and they're so cute.
And, um,
second would probably be a golden retriever.
They're smart. They're loyal.
A totally harmless creature.
Oh, and third?
Maybe a chimp.
'Cause they're almost human.
Well, the first, uh, represents
- how the world sees you. - Okay.
- The second is how you see yourself. - Mm-hmm.
And, um, the third is what you actually are.
Almost human.
Wow, that's great.
Uh, you're in a forest. How do you feel?
I feel good. I like the trees.
Uh, I brought you here with me.
So that's nice. Comforting.
- That's how you feel about death. - Mm.
Uh, how do you like your coffee?
Uh, I don't really care what it tastes like as long as it's hot.
Oh, no. Is coffee sex?
Yeah, it is.
- Um, okay, uh, last one. - Hmm?
You get flowers from the person you want them from most.
What are the flowers?
Probably white roses.
Hmm. That's the kind of relationship you want to have.
I'd say white roses are pretty traditional.
- What about you? - I think I said daisies.
I don't really remember. It was a long time ago.
This is my friend Ally's, uh, first-date icebreaker.
And how do you take your coffee?
Oh, yeah, I like it when it keeps me up all night.
You know what I mean?
And I like to switch it up a lot.
Drip, iced, lattes, you know, a lot of cream.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
I... I'd take my coffee that way too.
Uh-huh.
I have a soft spot for the first table we ate at.
We were different people then.
Yeah, I like where we're at now.
It's the closest I've got to sit next to you all night.
Oh, I forget to take it off when I shower,
and, um, it's not like a real material.
Can I have it?
As collateral.
So, you'll see me again.
You have no idea how crazy it is to me
that you aren't 100% sure I would see you again.
You're in complete control of the situation.
I find that very hard to believe.
It's the truth.
You'll have to prove it.
- Ooh. - So cute.
- Chi-chi. - Yeah, fancy.
Did you get a booth?
He rented out the whole restaurant.
- Sorry, what? - What did you do to this guy?
I don't... I don't know. He's made me realize
that no one has ever actually liked me before.
I, too, have come to the same realization about myself.
Well, that is so much. Why?
I told him that I was embarrassed to be
on a first date in front of people.
Pick me.
What?
I said how quirky and endearing of you.
Ally, why do you have that?
Oh, I didn't want to spend the entire day,
like, worrying if I left it on at home.
Yeah. Seek help.
So, did you guys fuck or what?
- Ew, Lucas. - Come on.
- Yeah, did you? - No.
But we have been sending the water drop emoji back and forth,
so I think it's gonna happen this weekend.
Totally.
Wait, what does the water drop emoji have
to do with sex?
Lucas.
It means wet, dude.
Fuck!
How are you neither old nor foreign?
It's bad. Really not good.
So, when are you seeing him again?
On Friday.
Look at this.
That's amazing.
Do you know where he's gonna take you?
I don't know.
I'm going with Hawaii.
Malaysia.
- Hawaii. Fuck. - Mm.
I have never been so physically comfortable in my life.
- I can't move. - Mm-mm.
I refuse.
It would be so hard.
It would be like...
like getting out of a jacuzzi.
But the towels are so far away.
They're just too far.
- Mm. - Unfortunately, I need to pee.
- Okay. - Give me an assist.
Three, two...
Hi.
What?
Uh, what are you doing?
I'm protecting myself from what could be
on your explore page.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Ooh, it could get bad. - I don't want to see.
No, no.
- Winston Churchill facts? - Mm-hmm.
This is supposed to be insight into your worst interests.
- It is my worst interests. - No.
That's not good enough. Look at mine.
- Mm-hmm. - Plastic surgery before and after pics,
'cause even my phone knows I need it.
- Shut up. - It's true.
Honestly, it sucks you have to look at me so much.
Honestly, it sucks that you don't get to look at you.
Get outta here!
What was that?
I'm just pulling all the bad thoughts out of your head.
I got about 80%.
Still about 20 left, but it's pretty good for the first round.
No one's ever been this sweet to me before.
Well, they're idiots.
Are you sure you're real and not like
a 2004 Matthew McConaughey simulation?
I've never felt this way about somebody before.
And I've only had one serious girlfriend,
and... she cheated on me.
- So... yeah. - Hmm.
Yeah, same here.
But he was really easy to get over.
He once memorized the entire Dark Knight opening monologue.
That's lame.
See, you get how hard it is to trust people.
Yeah.
Yeah. I was fucked long before that, though.
My mom left when I was a little kid.
And... I don't know,
I guess... when your mom leaves,
you don't really expect anybody to stay for you, so...
Sorry, I can't imagine what that was like.
It's okay.
I didn't mean to trauma dump on you or anything,
- I just... - No, it's okay.
I, um...
I really like you a lot.
- I really like you a lot, too. - You do?
Speaking of...
- You wanna open it? - Okay.
- It's shiny now? - And gold.
And new.
And monogrammed.
Oh.
You know, you... you don't have to do stuff like this for me.
I know. I want to.
And I got one for me, too.
- What? - Yeah.
Check it out.
Oh, my gosh.
I don't know what to say.
Well, you don't have to say anything.
- I want yours. - You want mine?
Yeah. You can wear mine.
That's cute. I want yours.
- Thank you. - Mm.
Because A and B together could transfer
a fee simple within their own lifetimes
plus 21 years.
Oh. Uh, my time is up.
Remember, my office hours are extended this week,
and judging by today's performance,
I suggest many of you take advantage.
Okay. Thank you.
Two left in a coma. One left confused.
The manhunt continues after hijacking suspects sped away.
That's all we have for tonight. Please stay tuned.
Melissa Grayheart's coming up next.
I love you, Mackenzie.
What the fuck?
Well, it sounds like love is in the air.
They're dying, and it was just like,
there's so many people.
And I freaked out in my car.
Why do all hot guys wrap towels around their waist?
- You think I'm hot? - You knew that already.
Don't you want your chest to dry, too?
It's a form of expressing masculinity.
Well, it's toxic. You're gonna catch a cold.
Anything for you, baby.
Sorry, baby. I wasn't on my phone.
You viewed my story.
Oh, I was only on there for like a minute
before I saw that you texted.
- Sorry. - Okay.
- Well, hi, beautiful. - Hold on.
There she is.
I'm so sleepy.
I just wanted to call and say goodnight.
So we're not gonna talk?
Ugh, I wish, but I'm so tired.
Isn't it like 2:00 a.m. there?
Yeah, I stayed up all night just to talk to you.
And I'm live at 6:00.
What? Why did you do that?
Because I can't sleep without talking to you first.
Well, that's really sweet but just tell me next time
so I'm not unknowingly keeping you awake, okay?
So, we're not gonna talk?
No, I will.
Remember when we used to stay up
all night FaceTiming?
What... what happened to that?
Mm, I think because we've been dating
for a couple of months and so we know each other now.
I just miss you so much.
- I miss you, too. - Mm-mm.
No, Mackenzie, I don't think I could live without you.
Oh, I love you.
But you could live without me?
I didn't say that.
I mean, if I had to, I'd find a way,
but I wouldn't be happy about it.
Promise me you'll never leave me.
I promise.
I love you forever.
- Mackenzie! - What? What happened?
Can you say it back?
Oh, I love you forever.
From the most to the least authoritative.
The first one being the U.S. Constitution.
This is the supreme law of the land,
the Supremacy Clause.
Even federal statute can be challenged
as being unconstitutional in this legislation.
For homework tonight, I need you to all look
at the principal case very carefully.
That means highlight and take notes.
Pages S-51 through 87.
If you have any questions, you know...
Hello?
Why didn't you answer my calls?
I was in class. What happened?
Why are you ignoring me?
I was in class.
What's going on? You're freaking me out.
Why didn't you leave class to answer?
I-I-I just... I didn't want to miss anything.
God forbid. It's hard to believe you couldn't even text me back.
I was just... I was trying to focus.
What is going on?
I was trying to reach you
for an hour and a half.
Okay, well, I'm on the phone now.
Please tell me what's happening.
I just wanted to check in on you.
You said there was an emergency.
Yeah, when I couldn't reach you for an hour and a half,
I was really worried.
Jesus, you scared me. What could have happened?
- You know I'm in school. - I don't know.
A fucking shooting?
Why are you laughing? I was scared.
You get anxious when a person fucking sneezes.
Okay. Sorry. I was busy.
You were busy. Doing what?
I mean, I'm sure they grant you some autonomy
during your little class.
Why are you being such a dick?
Wow. I was fucking joking.
What exactly is the joke?
The joke is
I have an extremely high-pressure job,
and I still manage to answer
every single one of your calls and texts,
because you are my priority.
Finn, just because I don't answer my phone
when I'm busy doesn't mean you're not my priority.
You're on your phone 24/7.
And if you actually cared about me, you would answer...
you would find a way to answer a call or a text.
That's all I'm saying, but instead I'm left
looking at 10 missed phone calls like a fucking idiot,
because you don't give a shit about me!
I have to go. Okay?
I-I-I'll call you when I get home
and you've calmed down.
Oh, my God.
Fucking stop.
So, they basically say that men will get married
to whoever they're with at the time
once they're ready to settle down.
But women wait to find the one they want to settle down with.
But anyone a guy is with, when he's ready, he'll just marry.
- Hi. - Hey.
Ally is really good at making drinks.
I taught myself last summer
so I'd have something going for me.
- What are you doing here? - Oh.
Uh, I mean, you weren't answering,
so I just stopped by to see if you were home,
and Ally said you were probably out getting groceries.
Hey.
Um, I'm gonna change. Will you come with me?
Yeah.
What are you... what are you doing here?
Well, we needed to talk, and you didn't answer my calls.
How could you not care enough to even check in
to see how I was doing?
I told you I would call you when I got home,
and I just got home, so...
I mean, you haven't even tried to make me feel better.
I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
I just wanted to call
and make sure you were safe
and tell you I love you.
Okay. I'm safe, and I love you too.
Sure.
Doesn't sound like it.
Finn, could we maybe just finish this tomorrow?
It's been a really long day. I'm tired.
- You're tired? - Yeah.
I walked all the way over here
and waited for you like a dog
so that we wouldn't go to sleep angry at each other.
Do you have no regard for my feelings whatsoever?
Honestly, I kind of feel like you don't really have
any regard for my feelings
or the fact that I didn't invite you over.
Where are you going?
Finn! You... No...
What... What are you doing?
Oh, my God! Why would you do that?
Because you don't love me.
- Yes, I do. - No, you don't.
Finn!
- Oh, my God! - What was that?
- I love you! - Ew, my roommate's having,
like, disgusting loud sex with her boyfriend.
Stop it! What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- You don't care about me. - Yes, I do.
Can we please move on? You're not being normal.
I'm not being normal because I'm trying to express to you
the ways in which you are making me unhappy.
I think that that's pretty normal.
- I make you unhappy? - Yes, Mackenzie.
You make me want to kill myself.
Jesus, what? That is so extreme.
If I treated you the way that you treat me,
you'd want to kill yourself, too.
- Trust me. - Will you please stop saying stuff like that?
- You're scaring me. - What a monster I am.
Taking you to all these dinners,
inviting you to all these parties
you'd never be invited to in the first place,
flying you places.
My entire life
revolves around you, Mackenzie,
- and you don't give a fuck! - I...
I never asked you for anything.
Yeah, well, you don't do shit for me.
I mean seriously, name one thing you've done for me.
I'm not gonna, like, sit here and,
and list off things that I've done.
I feel like I'm a loving person.
Because you can't name one.
Because I'm confused. I...
I thought we were, like, amazing.
Of course, you feel like that because I treat you really well.
I treat you like gold.
And you treat me like a pile of shit.
Fuck this. I'm walking into traffic.
Finn?
- Finn! Oh, my God. - No one's ever loved me.
- Finn! Oh, my God. - Just let me die.
- Oh, my God. - Let me die.
What?
I can't do anything right.
Oh. I'm so fucking stupid!
- No, you're not... - I can't do anything right.
No, no, no, please.
Okay, we're gonna go over the types
of legislation now in hierarchy,
from the most to least authoritative.
Okay, so the first one being the U.S. Constitution.
The supreme law of the land. It's a policy clause.
Even federal statutes in this legislation
can be challenged as being unconstitutional.
Okay, number two, federal statutes.
Third one is treaties.
A diplomatic instrument. It's a compact between nations.
It may have incidental side effects
as federal legislation.
The fourth type of legislation is state constitutions.
Here, it's more likely to deal with at length
in a very specific term.
Subjects like school and police administration,
lotteries, state and municipal budgeting,
uh, tenure of civil service employees, et cetera.
The Supreme Court of the U.S. is not superior in authority
to state courts on questions of local state law.
Number five. State statutes.
The effectiveness of a state statutory provision
may be challenged in court
that it violates some prohibition
in the U.S. Constitution. Okay, and...
Ow!
You're so sensitive.
How else do you expect me to do this?
Slower and quieter, maybe?
Okay.
That's... Okay. Now you're just being rude.
What the fuck?
Oh. Oh, this.
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't even notice this.
Wildly unnecessary.
I'm sorry, but he is so fucking corny.
It's a lot of flower water, which gets very stinky.
In two days, this will just be stinky flower water.
Okay, Kenz, can you do me a favor?
- What's up? - Can you check my close friends
and just tell me if it's obvious I'm posting on it for my crush?
- Lucas said I look desperate. - Very desperate.
I've never seen anyone use that feature to pout before.
Are you kidding? "Lit" doesn't count as a word.
This is everything that's wrong with our culture.
- Literally always been a word. - Babe, come on.
- Kenz? - What?
You solving a mystery over there, or what's going on?
No, I'm just... I'm just messaging Finn.
It's, um, it's easier on my laptop
'cause then my thumbs don't hurt.
Uh, what's going on? Is everything okay?
It will be. We got into our first fight last night.
I think that maybe I've been taking him for granted a little bit,
and he's feeling insecure.
Does he feel insecure
because you guys are together all the time,
and then when you're not together
you're also still talking?
I get it. I once got upset at Cody,
because he got up before me on a Sunday morning
and then never came back in to cuddle.
I just walked out, and he was sitting there on his phone.
Like, are you joking?
If you're not gonna do therapy,
can you at least look at the TikToks I send you?
"Lit" is a word, by the way.
- Oh... - Yeah, yeah.
I hate myself.
You should. You actually should.
- I have to go. - What? You just got here.
Sorry.
Fuck!
I mean... fuck.
Ooh, could you get me some allergy meds?
"Lit isn't a word, babe."
Did you just lower your own man-voice to imitate me?
I'm... I'm really sorry that I made you feel that way.
I just don't want you to do things
that are gonna make you resent me.
You're making me feel really bad.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I just...
No, I know, I thought we were gonna forget about last night.
No, we are. It's just...
it's a little hard for me to brush past you saying
I make you want to kill yourself.
I don't know what got into me.
I think I was trying to sabotage us.
Why?
Because sometimes I think you're too good to be true
and I'm scared you're gonna leave me.
I'm not going anywhere.
- You promise? - Yes.
I think you're the first person
that's, like, ever seen me like that.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, I used to get these panic attacks
when I was like 10.
Is that when your mom left?
It was more my dad.
He really struggled a lot when my mom left.
And... it sounds stupid.
It sounds really stupid.
I can't believe I'm telling you this.
The first panic attack happened
after I begged my dad to let me have
a sleepover with my friends.
All the kids in my elementary school class would have 'em.
Their moms would be there setting it up.
After begging my dad for a really long time,
he finally let me have one.
When they came over,
I had realized that my dad forgot.
And there was nothing set up.
There was no food, and the house was dirty.
We all just sat there, and within an hour,
they all called their moms and asked them to pick them up.
And so I just... I had a panic attack.
Baby.
That's so sad.
You know how precious you are to me?
You don't hate me, do you?
Of course not.
You know, this is what love is.
You see someone through their worst moments.
Can you do me a favor?
Anything.
Can you delete our text messages?
Sure.
- I'm just so embarrassed. - No, it's okay. Don't be.
- You really still love me? - Yes.
You are the best boyfriend in the whole world.
- I love you forever. - I love you forever.
First of all, you guys,
she likes karaoke.
So, like, already I'm superior.
Because I have a self-awareness to
- not sing in public. - Sure.
No offense, Lucas.
What's second of all?
Second of all, is I did some light stalking.
Like, she's never written one of her own captions
in her entire life. It's so obvious.
See this? It's absolutely insane.
Every post has a different personality.
I mean, she's outsourcing.
Like, this has a full writers' room.
- Mm-hmm. - Ooh, yes.
Got the res for Saturday, so...
- For where? - Chez Louis.
Ugh, I knew you were gonna say that.
I hate when you pretend you're in Paris.
It makes me so nauseous.
- What's Saturday? - The reunion.
- Oh, fuck, that's right. - What reunion?
Some people from our college dining club are in town.
You're not gonna flake, are you?
No, of course not.
What's dining club?
You guys do dinners?
Yeah, and we talk about things.
Oh, what kind of things?
World events, life,
thoughts, religion, politics, sports, sex.
- So, so dinner. - Yeah.
That's the most pretentious shit I've ever heard in my life.
- Wow. - Wow.
No, it's not.
It's... It-it-it's not pretentious, actually.
It's quite nuanced.
- No, it's definitely pretentious. - Thank you.
No. It sounds fun. Sounds fun.
Do you wanna come?
- No, seriously. - Could he, you think?
Could he come to our college club reunion?
I don't know if you would enjoy yourself.
It's gonna be like a lot of dumb reminiscing and...
Yeah, it's fine. It's not that fun.
It's like... like...
I mean, I... I mean, it was, like, really hard to get a table,
but I'm sure I could ask if we could have one more.
Might only need one chair for the two of you.
You know?
You guys, it's... it's fine, 'kay.
- Seriously, you do your thing. - Are you sure, baby?
Yeah, I don't need to be there. I really don't.
Aren't you just the sweetest thing
in the world?
You're so sweet.
What's this?
What does it look like?
It's a sleepover.
Actually, if... if I do say so myself,
it's... it's kind of the perfect sleepover.
We've got snacks. We've got video games.
We've got... Oh, it's a little off-brand,
but we've got shrooms.
Listen, I know... I know that sometimes
I can, like, get in my own head,
and it might seem like I don't appreciate you
or I'm not grateful for you, but I really am.
And... and I think about you all the time.
And... and I've already cried twice thinking about you
as a little boy at that sleepover, so...
You're all I need.
I'm sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise.
No, I'm sorry it took me this long
to do something nice for you.
♪ Baby, last week ♪
You're not gonna get rid of me that easy, okay?
♪ Makin' love to me ♪
- You wanna do shrooms? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I know you didn't know this about me before,
‘cause I don't like to bring it up, like, early on,
- as I don't like to show off. - What?
But I'm the best Pikachu in the world.
- Oh, are you? - I'm the best in the world.
Like, actually, I'm the best in the world.
Like, they call it "edgeguarding."
I call it "hating."
I am the best.
I'm actually the best Pikachu in the world.
Like, you can't beat the graph. You can't beat the graph.
- No, I really can't, actually. - You can't beat the graph.
I'm sorry. It's like, it's... it's not fair.
Cheers.
It's the most underrated dessert, right?
By far.
- Tickle monster. - No.
Get a little tickle man.
♪ But I know where you went ♪
♪ And I'll be around ♪
You're so nasty, ugh.
Ugh, I feel so sick.
Really? I feel amazing.
♪ I've been gettin' so used to ♪
♪ Living so lonely ♪
I really need to brush my teeth, but I'm too cozy to move.
Oh, where are you going?
Oh, no, I don't want you to go.
What the fuck?
Anything for my princess.
Mm-mm.
- I have to get... - Mm-mm.
I have to get ready.
I'm sorry.
- Mm-mm. - Yeah.
- Mm-mm. - It's time.
Mm-mm. Sorry.
Let go.
- Mm-mm. - I'm gonna be late for dinner.
Oh, for the geniuses who think they invented dinner.
Ah, yes, of course.
- Thank you. - Please, my lady.
I really wish we were spending my last night together.
I know, I do too.
But you'll only be gone for a week,
and I will be back right after dinner.
We'll only have an hour.
We'll have all night, baby.
You're gonna be home at 10:00
and in bed by 11:00.
Which is fine. I just need to manage my expectations.
I'm sorry, you're right.
I... I don't know what time I'll be home,
but it won't be late
and we'll have the morning,
and the rest of our lives.
Mm-hmm, fine.
I wish I could stay home with you.
I don't really see them a lot, and embarrassingly enough,
they were like the only thing that got me through school, so...
- You didn't like college? - Not really.
It was kind of a difficult time for me.
- Why? - I had this professor
he would ask me to come to his office all the time,
and then he started pouring me drinks there,
and... I mean, it was very cliché
in a lot of ways, but I just,
I never really thought he would try anything.
I really looked up to him and...
But he did... he did try to kiss me one day,
and then I rejected him and...
I didn't feel unsafe, you know?
But, um, he just...
he got really hostile with me in class after that,
so I went and I told the counselor,
like you're supposed to do on campus,
and before I knew it, he was fired,
and somehow everyone knew it was because of me.
What a piece of shit.
Yeah, it was just... I don't know, it was shitty.
All the students really loved him,
and it felt like it was all my fault.
- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.
- You're so sweet. - No.
Listen, I'm just gonna go for the minimum amount of time,
and then I will run back to cuddle and kiss.
Okay? Wait...
Just wait, one more thing.
I have to tell you one more thing.
- What? - That I love you forever.
Animals sleep on the ground because they don't have another option.
We want a comfortable place, but we just assume they don't?
It's preposterous.
There should be animal beds every few miles.
Actually, humans are supposed to sleep on the floor.
You can't just put a mattress out in the woods. It'll rot.
I think an animal's more likely to choke
on a mattress spring rather than sleep on a mattress.
Yes, that will do.
No, Ally, you would test the elements.
If you... if anyone actually cared about animals,
they'd figure this out.
But no, of course not. We have our top minds
creating AI code
that turns a photo of you into a Renaissance painting.
Like, mine wasn't even good.
I think it's very sweet that you want to make beds for deer.
Yeah, cause everything's perfect.
There's no more sexism, racism, genocide.
All unhoused people are taken care of.
And the last thing to figure out
is a comfortable night's sleep for a raccoon.
Um, you can't smoke here.
Oh, I know, it's just for the aesthetic.
Cigarettes are disgusting. But it's very French.
Oh, and explain sanpaku to them.
So, sanpaku is when you have,
you see the whites of your eyes below.
I think, like, the hottest people have it. I have that.
I don't have sanpaku eyes,
but I do have a mild case of...
You can't really see right now but when...
Hey, hey, no phones.
- You know the rules. - Sorry. Sorry, I'm just texting.
I just feel like now that I'm 26, I can't, like, cry
and have it feel like, "Oh, you know,
- a young woman is crying." - Sorry, okay.
Thank you.
So, I brought Julie to my, you know,
my little thing that I do every week.
She didn't speak. She didn't mutter a word.
I was like, "Why would I bring you here,
you're like a dead corpse?"
I'd rather not have friend...
I'd rather act like I didn't have friends.
Silent but sweet, like silent but sweet.
But, like, instead, I bring Julie.
- You get it, right? - Of course.
I think it's just like... I...
I just think it's so obvious.
Like, okay, so when you have someone like...
Finn, what is going on?
I should be asking you that.
Asking me what? I... I'm at dinner,
and I look up to see your friend spying on me.
Harrison's not spying on you.
He texted me a photo about running into you there.
Okay, well, then, why wouldn't he just come up
and say hi to me like a normal person?
Because he's shy.
And plus, if you weren't doing anything wrong,
then what's wrong with him taking a photo of you?
I really should not have to explain why that's bothersome.
Is Lucas there?
Why are you asking me that like you didn't just see
a photo of us at the same table?
Well, you're sitting awfully close
to him, don't you think?
You mean next to him?
Yeah, yeah, Finn,
I'm sitting next to my friend at a dinner table.
- This is crazy. - Don't call me crazy.
Don't even insinuate that I am crazy,
because you have no idea what goes on in my head!
Okay.
Okay, I'm... I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.
I just find it disrespectful, that's all.
You find what disrespectful?
That you're so close to a guy
who's obviously in love with you.
Lucas is not in love with me.
I see things that you don't, okay?
Imagine how you would feel if I left you alone
to go to dinner with some girl you knew was in love with me.
Yeah, that would be really shitty,
but that's not what's happening.
The only women that have my number
are women that I work with, ‘cause I changed it when we met
so that you would never feel uncomfortable.
Like, what have you done for me?
What?
Yeah, but you don't even post me anymore.
I barely post.
And I planned a whole night for you, like, two days ago.
Oh.
The sleepover?
Mackenzie, that is embarrassing. I'm an adult.
Okay, well, I'm sorry I'm a normal person
and not, like, a producer on The Bachelor.
I... I...
I can't... I have to go.
Okay? I have to go.
Are you seriously gonna hang up?
I'm not hanging up.
I'm telling you that I'm leaving.
There's a difference, okay?
Go. Have fun!
I'll be sitting here doing nothing like always!
Yeah, rest assured, it will be nearly impossible for me
to have fun after this conversation.
Why are you being so mean to me?!
I don't get it! I'm so nice to you!
You should be treating me like a king!
You know how many women would want to date me?
Any other guy would be texting girls,
and probably cheating on you.
On you, especially.
What is that supposed to mean?
- Mackenzie, we never have sex. - We have sex.
- Since when is this an issue? - Since always.
Am I the only one in this relationship?
My friends think it's so fucked up the way that you treat me.
I mean, their girlfriends have sex with them every day.
What... They said that?
I think you've given me head, like, twice.
I hate this so much.
Why are you doing this right now?
- Well, because it's a problem. - We can have sex more.
Okay? We'll have sex more.
What do you want me to do about this right now?
All I want you to know is that I'm not happy or satisfied.
Well, I'll fucking blow you when I get home, okay?
Are you happy now?
I hate my life!
Jesus!
- Script of True West? - Well, I rewrote it.
I... I had rewritten it, and I just thought
that we could, like, put on a production in the apartment.
- It was good. - Can you pass me that?
I'm sorry to interrupt. Is one of you Mackenzie?
- Yeah. - Your boyfriend's on the phone.
Oh, my God. I'm... I'm so sorry.
I... I'll call him back from my phone. That's...
- Sorry about that. - Seriously, what is happening?
He's locked out of his apartment.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
It's not a big deal. Calm down.
No, I have to go. This is so twisted.
I just wanted to talk. Stop freaking out.
You're the one who's freaking out!
Relax. Breathe. It's okay.
What do you want?
I wanna know if you still want to be with me.
Yes, I do.
Just stop, please stop.
What's taking so long? When are you gonna be home?
Twenty minutes.
Okay, I'll see you in 20 minutes.
I'm turning off my phone. We don't get along right now.
Hey, you okay?
Oh, yeah. I...
I'm fine.
Hong Kong.
What do you think?
I don't know.
What's wrong?
What? Nothing.
Everything's fine.
- How is it fine? - Because it is.
You don't think that you'd be better off without me?
No.
'Cause I have problems.
No, I don't think that.
And that all I do is cause you trouble.
That's not true.
And I'm sorry if me hanging out with Lucas upsets you.
I can understand that. But you can't just be...
breaking shit.
It's my shit. I paid for it.
Besides, what the fuck do you care anyway?
Look, maybe I should...
Maybe I should move my week around.
- No. - So I can stay longer.
No, no, I... I have so much work to do.
Honestly, it would just be you waiting around again.
I don't want to leave when we're on these terms with each other.
Everything's fine. Seriously. Nothing's changed.
You should go on your trip. We're good. I promise.
Well, now it feels like you're trying to get rid of me.
What?
No. I'm... I'm not.
Something's up.
You're just being paranoid.
And... and I'm... I'm... I'm gonna get
a new number today.
You don't have to do that. Just...
I want to. Cause I... I just, I wanna make you feel
as secure as you make me feel.
You promise you don't look at me differently?
I promise.
I hate being away from you. All I do is think about you.
I'm so lucky.
Nobody has what we have. It's so special.
So real.
Hi, baby. Sorry, my phone was in the other room.
- What's up? - Hi, Angel.
Just wanted to say I miss you already.
Oh, I miss you too.
I was just about to hop in the shower.
Can I give you a call a little later?
- Yeah. I love you. - I love you more.
- You know... - What?
I probably should inspect you for ticks.
- Oh, is that so? - Yeah.
We were kind of reckless out there.
- Yeah? - No ticks there.
Fuck, that's fucking good.
Kenz! Our little city hall staffer.
Wow, you gonna wear a pantsuit on your first day?
What do you think?
Yeah, I haven't thought that far ahead.
- I am excited, though. - You totally deserve this.
I mean, not really.
What are you talking about, our little staffing vix,
you've been working your ass off.
Every law student in, like, a 300-mile radius
applied for this job. I'm just the only one
whose boyfriend knows a councilperson.
But it is my dream,
so I'm just trying to go with it.
How is the boyfriend?
He's good. He's really good.
Even today?
What is that supposed to mean?
You know, just because...
he has a tendency of ruining special
or important days, like... even Christmas.
I mean, if it was bad all the time,
obviously I wouldn't put up with it,
but we've been really good.
We have.
You guys don't see the other sides of him
that I do, you know?
And it's not like I'm the easiest person
to be in a relationship with, either.
He makes a lot of sacrifices to be with me.
Like what?
Maybe you like how much he needs you.
Maybe it makes you feel special.
Maybe you don't know what it's like
to be in a real relationship.
Actually, I'm dating someone who's really nice,
and doesn't even have social media.
Which you'd know, obviously, if you weren't so consumed
by your "real relationship."
That's really great, Ally. Who is it?
Let's just say he's basically Ponyboy.
Ponyboy's 13.
Not anymore.
I swear to God, I once saw him light a cigarette
with no hands and no fire.
You swear to God on that?
Lucas is dating someone, too.
- You are? - Trying not to jinx it,
so I'm not gonna talk about it.
Do you not have your phone? Finn just texted me.
Oh, I just probably don't have service. Sorry.
He just texted me, too.
Wow. What's with all the tech?
I like to have it with me just in case.
Just in case of what?
What do you think?
Oh, iCloud?
I'm so scared of iCloud.
It's the scariest thing in the entire world.
Like, do you know how much shit I've talked?
No, no, no. Do not let my anxiety give you anxiety.
Fuck. Do you think I'm a horrible person now
‘cause I just took your anxiety?
You, like, shared an anxiety and I was like,
"No, me, I'm anxious too."
No, it'll just give me more anxiety
if I made you think you should have anxiety.
If all your devices are with you,
do you think you're just, like, multiplying
the chances of your devices overhearing you?
Like, wouldn't that give you more anxiety?
I think for me that would give me more anxiety...
I... I thought...
I thought you would want to celebrate the job with me.
And for you to go out with them,
it just feels like betrayal.
I'm hurt.
It just makes me mad.
They're not good friends to you.
The only reason why they keep you around
is because you're the only person
nice enough to tolerate them.
If my friends didn't like you,
I wouldn't be able to be friends with them.
All I do is nice things. I'm like the nicest guy ever.
You know, I've been talking to my therapist.
She says you not telling me these things
really triggers my abandonment issues.
She says the way that you treat me is fucked up.
She says you're a bad girlfriend.
Feels like an inappropriate thing
for a therapist to say.
Mackenzie, she has a degree.
Would you rather me ask my two jobless loser friends
what they think of our relationship?
I forgot I can't be honest about how I'm feeling.
Because if I have any feelings, I'm scary.
I'm the one whose girlfriend is dressed like a whore.
If you want Lucas to fuck you so bad, maybe you should leave
a little bit more up to his imagination.
Sorry, I want to cry
because everyone hates me for no reason and my life sucks!
I can't do this anymore, Finn. I can't.
Oh, God. What?
What are you talking about, Mackenzie?
We're just talking.
No, we're not just talking!
Just break up with me, Mackenzie.
If I'm so fucking horrible, break up with me.
Why are you crying?
Nothing bad has ever happened to you
in your entire life, has it?
It's always something. I just... I can't...
I can't do anything right. I can't...
I love you. I really, really love you.
But I'm never gonna be able to make you happy.
Oh, God.
What?
I bet you led your professor on.
Just like you led me on.
And now you're ruining my life like you ruined his.
- You fucking hit me in the face! - I know.
- I don't know why. - I would never hit you in a million years.
No, I don't know what came over me.
I think I was just trying something new.
You were trying something new?!
- Get the fuck away from me! - I'm sorry.
- Baby, you hit me in the face. - I know. I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God. - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Wow. Look who it is.
Hey.
- Finals? - Yeah. I'm fucked.
Are you the kind of person that does what they need to pass,
or overwork, say you're fucked, and then get an A?
I oscillate between the two.
You'll be fine.
Where you been? You've been ghosting me pretty hard.
Uh, I got a new number.
Too many crazy stalkers?
What is it?
- What? - Your number.
Here you go.
- It was nice to see you. - Yeah, you too.
Text message from Finn,
heart emoji, best boyfriend in the world.
What's with the hi?
Please don't mess with my head today.
Would you like to reply?
Message from Finn,
heart emoji best boyfriend in the world.
Why even text if you're not going to respond.
Would you like to reply?
Reply.
I'm sorry, exclamation point. I meant it like a sweet hi.
Exclamation point, exclamation point.
Send.
Text message from Finn,
heart emoji, best boyfriend in the world.
K.
Sorry. I was distracted in the library.
- How are you feeling, baby? - You good?
Yeah. Why?
- You sound weird. - How can I sound weird?
I haven't even said anything yet.
I can't say anything right.
Please don't start something, I'm too sad.
No, no, I wasn't... I wasn't starting something.
I'm sorry. I thought you were trying to start something.
Let's start over. What are you up to today?
I don't know.
I thought you were gonna fly out and surprise me.
- Why would you think that? - I don't know.
I feel like if it was reversed and I saw how upset I made you,
I probably would have gotten on the next flight to prove I'm there for you.
I'm not the one making you feel this way.
I love you, and I'm doing everything I can to prove it to you.
You just need to trust me.
Well, that's pretty pathetic,
if that's everything.
Best way to prove it is to be here with me.
Sorry, I just got your text.
Um, totally get it, obviously.
I just wish you could be there,
but I'll see you when you're back.
Love you.
We love you.
Happy, happy birthday.
- Happy birthday. - Cheers.
- You ever heard of it? - No.
Okay, I'm gonna give you the Finn special.
Thank you so much.
I'm gonna get it all deep in your locks.
- Oh, wow. - Yeah.
- Yeah, you're good at that. - It's good.
- Is it all on my face, too? - It's everywhere.
- Oh, good. - Yeah.
Hey, um...
I didn't force you to come out here, did I?
No.
- Fuck, I did, didn't I? - No, come on.
I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be.
- You promise? - I promise.
- You pinky promise? - Pinky promise.
You know you're the world to me, right?
Yeah.
You know I'll do anything for you?
Alright...
Hey, uh, can I... can I borrow your phone?
My service is whack.
Yeah, sure.
You scared me.
They didn't answer.
Oh, okay.
Mac.
Mackenzie! Wake up.
Oh, my God, what the... What happened?
- What time is it? - Who's Lindsey?
What?
Don't play dumb with me. I've had enough of that.
Who...
is... Lindsey?
She's... she's just a girl from my study group.
Uh-huh.
What's a girl doing from your study group texting you,
"What are you up to?" at 2:00 in the morning?
I... I don't know. She's a strange person.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I called Lindsey.
Are you gonna be honest with me now?
Yeah?
I ran into him at the library...
- Ugh! - ...and he just wanted
the new number, and I...
I didn't know how to say no,
- so I gave it to him. - Oh, fuck.
And I was afraid
that you would freak out about it,
so I... I just saved it as "Lindsey."
- And I... - Ugh!
I was seeing him before we even met,
but I wasn't going to text him back.
I never was gonna text him back.
And I know... I know it sounds bad, but I...
Shh!
You're a liar!
I tell you when a girl even fucking looks at me!
Steve Jobs' hot daughter DM'd me on Instagram, and I blocked her!
I'm the most fucking honest guy ever! Fuck!
You saved his number as a girl!
What the fuck am I supposed to think?
I mean, I would never
in a million years do this to you.
- Ever! - I know, you're right.
You wouldn't. You wouldn't.
I... You must have flirted with him.
Otherwise, he wouldn't have texted you.
I swear, I would never do anything to hurt you.
I swear.
I... I can't believe you called him.
I didn't call him!
I didn't fucking call him.
But it's good to know what I have to do
to get some fucking honesty around here.
You fucking lied to me when you didn't tell me
you ran into him at the library.
You lied to me when you saved his number as "Lindsey."
And then you fucking lied to my face twice
when I asked you about it just now.
I'm sorry, please,
- I'm sorry. - Oh, God.
No, I'm sorry, please.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, okay?
And I just made a stupid mistake, that's all, okay?
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Please forgive me.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
Finn?
Hey. What are you...
What are you doing?
Please stop it, please.
I don't wanna do it.
I can't do it.
What a moron I am.
I can't believe I wasted all this time on such a bitch.
What the fuck?
What are you... What are you doing?
Don't come any closer to me.
Please stop, it's not funny, please.
I don't think it's funny.
I wrote a suicide note on my phone.
Everyone's gonna know this is your fault.
Please, I'll do anything. I'll do anything.
Please, just come inside.
Finn, stop.
It's too late.
Please get down.
Just the sound of your voice...
I don't wanna do it.
Don't answer that.
Don't fucking answer that.
Don't answer that.
Finn.
Hey, how's it goin'?
Are you okay?
We've been receiving complaints about your room.
Oh, did I make too much noise?
I'm so sorry.
I-I-I did break a couple things.
Of course, I'll pay for everything.
Actually, um...
I'm really appreciative of what you guys do.
Uh, so if there's any...
Is this, is this against hotel policy?
I... I'm just really...
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
Um, for you, if you... if you want it.
I have to go.
I love you so much.
Please let me go.
Yeah. Door's open.
♪ I can buy myself flowers ♪
♪ Write my name in sand ♪
♪ Talk to myself for hours ♪
♪ Say things you don't understand ♪
♪ I can take myself dancing ♪
Look who's here! Thank God.
Ice cream. How are we doing?
So good.
- I'm vegan this week. - Yeah, well, I'm paleo.
I'm ano.
It's for the vibes. Like, breakup vibes.
- Yeah. - Ice cream.
- Yes! - No, I don't want to break up.
He was the best boyfriend ever, and I'm just a cold person
who doesn't know how to love anyone.
Um...
You are not cold.
You are definitely not cold.
You're warm and cozy like this blanket.
And you're all bundled. Bundled up and...
If I didn't do things that hurt him,
everything would be fine.
- Oh, God. - Everything hurt him.
Literally everything hurt him.
- What if he jumped? - He didn't jump.
He's gonna be on the news tonight
just like he always is, okay?
I lied.
I gave another guy my number, and then I lied about it.
I'd be really upset if he did that,
but he would never do that.
- Ally? - Yeah?
Why is there a phone in the freezer?
Yeah, it's my old phone.
I'm scared of people listening in.
You think the feds give a fuck
whether or not you're a soft summer or a true autumn?
I'm a dark winter.
No one's ever gonna love me that much ever again.
Let's focus on the positive here, okay? Shall we?
- Let's refocus. - Yeah.
First...
You are about to get so freaking hot
- from this breakup. - So hot.
- Let's go. Let's go. - Okay?
Like the worse the breakup, the hotter you get.
- Everyone knows that. - Everybody knows it.
And you already look good.
It's like very...
Indie sleaze.
I'm grotesque.
- "Thank you," period. - Don't.
Sorry.
I regret it.
I fucked up. I really fucked up.
No, you... No.
- You didn't fuck up. - I'm a hypocrite.
All he ever wanted was reassurance,
and the only reason I didn't need that from him
was because he constantly gave it.
- Nope. - I miss him.
- I need him. - No,
I'm running out of ways to say no here.
He was so hot.
He... He was hot.
Oh, um...
I was just motioning for you to pass my vape.
It's on your side of the bed.
Thanks.
Um, that's mine.
♪ All of my free days on the water ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ On salt and sand ♪
♪ Said you wouldn't come ♪
♪ But I knew you'd give that up ♪
♪ Your silhouette is burned into my head ♪
♪ Give me one more day ♪
♪ Stay here till we fade ♪
♪ Give me just one more day away ♪
We're sorry.
You have reached a number that has been disconnected or...
Tonight, with us is Finn Grantham
in with a new edition of the evening news.
I am incredibly excited today...
...for several reasons.
And a little tired of living through
so many unprecedented events.
But alas, I leave the viewers tonight...
I love you, Jenny.
What the fuck?!
♪ We've been on the phone ♪
♪ All night long ♪
♪ I'm singin' you the words ♪
♪ To your favorite song ♪
♪ You wouldn't do the same for me ♪
♪ If I called you up at 3:00 ♪
♪ You'd probably see my number ♪
♪ And just let it ring ♪
♪ Well, fuck that ♪
♪ Fuck that, fuck that ♪
♪ Fuck that ♪
♪ You'll get the busy tone ♪
♪ No, this is not a joke ♪
♪ I'm not playin' nice ♪
♪ You call me once call me twice ♪
♪ But on the third time ♪
♪ I'll change my number change my life ♪
♪ Now I'm sleepin' all day, baby ♪
♪ 'Cause I stayed up the whole night ♪
♪ You've been callin' too much lately ♪
♪ Next time you hit my line I'll say fuck that ♪
♪ Fuck that fuck that, fuck that ♪
♪ Fuck that, fuck that fuck that, fuck that ♪
♪ Fuck that ♪
♪ Fuck that, fuck that ♪
♪ Fuck that, fuck that, fuck that ♪
♪ Now I'm sleepin' all day, baby ♪
♪ 'Cause I stayed up the whole night ♪
♪ You've been callin' too much lately ♪
♪ Next time you hit my line ♪
♪ I'll say fuck that ♪