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Why cant I ever have normal dreams ?
Everybody else gets to dream about, naked women. Flying. Good sex.
Not me.
I have to dream about an old wrinkly ass,
Mowing the lawn ,
Slow motion. Butt cheeks of an old man bouncing.
As he mows the lawn.
What the hell is wrong ?
Up all night? busy?
Yeah, writing new comedy.
New comedy?
Yeah
I could tell.
Ah. Remember our conversation two weeks ago, Brian?
I don't remember what I drank for breakfast.
Well, two weeks ago, we had a conversation that I'm turning this place into a strip club
You're getting your mom's old job back?
Yeah. Yes, Brian. I see the comedy working for you .
To make a long story short. Yes.
So you're supposed to.. I told you this two weeks ago.
My prick landlord .
He's making me homeless so he can open up a strip club.
Dude, have you ever considered living under a bridge?
Because right now, I know Nobody that would put you up.
It's not Jeff's fault.
He finds me places to live, but the pricks keep getting me kicked out
Dude, you're already into me for major money. I can't afford to bankroll you anymore.
I'd love to start my day with positive thoughts
But what can I do when I'm surrounded by negative pricks?
Maybe, I should start over.
Come on, Brian. There has to be a good thought in your head.
Try harder.
Focus on the good things.
Your inventory can't be completely empty.
Me waiting at the end of the driveway for a dad who's never going to pick me up
Maybe that's better than the wrinkled ass of a naked man though.
Loneliness. . . Man.
Well, we created you.
Quite a disaster wasn't it?
You just keep sipping that medicine mom.
Until I forget that I exist too.
You know it's customary to say hello, when you answer the phone.
Yeah, Pat. But it's also customary to not call a comedian at eight o'clock in the morning.
Well, I have some important news for you.
Alright.
Seriously, your ass needs to meet me in my office in an hour
All right.
Just let me get my head right.
Could you write some jokes for me?
Really? You want to fuck my wife too?
Don't. Don't answer that.
You know, my jokes are my babies. They're my children they come from inside .
They are mine.
No, no.
Some comedians have other people write jokes for them.
Yeah, Johnny Carson.
Are you Johnny Carson?
My stepbrother.
Two different dicks made us, but he's clearly the bigger dick.
In our family. words just seem to fall out of people's faces
A lways lecture, but never a point.
Hey, good morning, Jim.
Hey, good morning, Brian. How are you?
I'm not good asshole.
I tried to wake up two different times trying to forget you.
But you're just a turd that won’t flush
Wow. Tough crowd.
Brian, you know it has to be important
because I keep calling you and texting you leaving you messages.
Aint some fucking woman hounding you for child support. Don’t treat me like I am
Call me back asshole, what the fuck.
See you later honey.
Romeo, Romeo.
Why you keep trying to be Juliet?
Do you know that 95% of Americans drive cars?
I'm part of the elite 5% that doesn't drive cars.
They're elitist. They think that they're saving the planet.
I don't give a shit about saving the planet.
Only reason I don't drive is because I have too many DUIs.
Driving under the influence has caused me to not be able to drive
As far as I know, there's no law against walking under the influence.
So that's what I do.
I walk all the time. I'm not healthier.
I wear black all the time. And I don't look any skinnier.
Hey buddy,I need a scotch
Yes you can
You look like a pretty smart guy. You the manager here?
I am the owner, the manager, the accountant, and the janitor. I do it all.
You know, I'm a comedian.
Looking around here this,
This would be a pretty good place to do an open mic comedy night.
Yeah, sounds like a good idea.
Yeah, all I would need is like $100 startup money
Well, look, Brian, I've been in business for 45 years,
and I haven't stayed in business that long by giving away money to people.
You know, hit me again
You know, at least, at least $50 for posters As start-up money.
Sorry, that's not the way I do business.
It's too bad. We could have made a lot of money together.
Hey, Brian.
Those drinks aren’t free buddy. You got to pay for them.
Yeah, I'll get my wallet from my car. I’ll be right back.
Oh there you are
Why don’t you ever answer your phone?
What’s with the 8,000 phone calls anyway?
Don't be so dramatic.
Listen, mom's headstone got knocked over.
I don't know if it was vandals or what? But I need some help.
Okay, aren't there people at the cemetery that will do that?
I called the people in the cemetery. Nobody's answered the phone.
Can you help me?
Why are you asking me for help?
you're the one that lives in a mansion?
yeah,I live in a mansion.
Yeah, I'm getting evicted.
Forget I asked. Oh, you are getting evicted?
Yeah.
Oh, it's Tuesday already.
Come on, practice your stand-up somewhere else.
I mean, you do the same open mics every week
Yeah, but at least I'm getting paid for it.
Unlike you, you’re lucky if you get one gig year and don’t get paid for it.
Listen, I'm trying to make it big.
You know, I'm trying, you know, my manager says there's something big on the horizon.
Something big on the horizon? Look, how about mom’s headstone?
Is that on the horizon?
Maybe if I make it big, then you know, I'll be able to help with money for helping,
I asked you for help. You're asking all these other people for help.
When somebody asks you for help, They don’t get any help
I'm not in a position to help you. But you know, once I score big,
you know, I'll, I'll bring you with me.
You need to help lift the headstone.
That's not me.
That's not you. It's our mother.
can you help?
Can you picture me lifting something?
You’re ridiculous.
Listen, I have to take a piss.
Yeah take a piss
You’re ridiculous.
How many pills did you steal this time?
You are not my father
Not your pharmacist either
Seriously.
You should let me stay here.
Seriously, you shall let me stay here.
Let me think about that.
No
I help you with mom's headstone. If you just let me stay here for a couple days,
You should be wanting to help me with mom's headstone anyway,
you know, you always, you always want something.
you can't just give you have to, you know,
there's more to life than just taking Brian.
Sometimes people ask you for things.
You might not want to do them. But you have to.
That's the way life works. It's give and take; not just take
Okay, so you gave me your rational shit.
And I'm gonna take your pills and get out of here.
Have a good one.
Pat, You bitch.
You are day drinking now. Good for you
You were supposed to be in my office five hours ago.
You found me. So, no harm, no foul.
Why should I have to come and look for you?
What's this huge news you have for me?
I'm gonna play bartender number three on some pilot that's never gonna see the light of day.
The guys from the late-night show called me.
Really?
They want to see your act, in a couple of months.
That's awesome news.
So with this great news. How about an advance?
Not a chance am I lending you any money.
I'm not going to use it for drugs or alcohol, Pat, you know, maybe I just want to eat
I will cook you a meal.
Come on.
Now, I can't take the chance of you using it to just go out and party.
This is your big shot.
You can't blow it.
Alright. I'm gonna go get sober. Okay?
You have to prove it to me.
Of course.
in the next two months.
Yeah.
Tiffany.
My drinks are on the manager.
Don't worry, Pat.
I've got my own money this time.
Have a good day
listen, guys, I know that you were here for a night of comedy
But I just about killed my manager backstage
because tonight was supposed to be a night where the late-night show representative was here
so that I could get out of this business of comedy and start writing and actually making money.
But no, instead I have to do comedy for you morons.
We're not morons.
You’re a moron!
Thank you, Billy Bob, for proving to everybody how smart you are
by shouting out in the middle of a comedy set.
I was in this very spot.
15 years ago, when I started Comedy,
15 years ago, and I'm still here.
That means my career has literally gone nowhere.
Just like all of your lives
I should just give up because I'm telling. I'm telling highbrow comedy.
I'm telling intellectual comedy to people who just aren't going to get it.
You guys just want me to stand up here and talk about piss and fart.
Just so that you guys can laugh.
But that's not what I want to do. I want you guys to leave here smarter.
But I think it's probably impossible.
I should just .. listen. You know what?
I'm going to drink every last drop of alcohol there is on the planet.
I'm going to just take every pill that there is on the planet
until I'm so high that I don't care anymore.
In fact, does anybody have a gun?
That's hilarious
Where'd you get that?
What does it matter?
What’s in there?
what do you gonna do?
Don't sweat it, it's gonna be fun.
okay? he’s gonna take a little nap.
You’re not funny
Pat..... u bitch!
Who are you?
No, no, no,
None of that cliched bullshit.
It’s not happening
None of that Who are you guys?
Where am I? How did I get here?
No, none of that shit
You sit down. You keep your mouth shut.
Everything's fine. You get me.
Okay, so you're not going to kill me right?
Probably.
Probably?
Probably Yeah,
You probably should have shared that with me I wouldn't have signed up for this.
You know you need the money too.
Wait. I am going to get killed but you're just probably not going to do it?
Sorry man. Looks like you must have pissed off the wrong guy.
Oh god. It was the abortion joke.
I know it was the abortion joke.
Wait. You're a comedian?
Yeah,
Really? That's awesome. He hates comedians.
Tell us a joke
Tell us a joke?
He is an artist he is not gonna able to tell a joke under this kind of pressure.
Tell us a fucking joke. Consider this as an open mic night.
Okay. All right.
I like to do impressions.
I like to mix two different celebrities and do their impressions at the same time.
So here's my impression of
Christopher Reeves and Stephen Hawking.
Oh, you got to tell a joke about a cripple? You're going to go that way.
You tell you cracking jokes about a cripple?
No, it's not about that they are cripple. It's about that they're both dead.
It could have been pretty funny .
Disgusting.
Whatever. At least I'm funnier than this guy.
Hey, listen. Whatever.
I'm done with this lame shit anyway. I'm supposed to get a call from our employer.
We get shit for reception here I'm gonna go outside see if I can find something.
By the way who's Pat.
It’s my agent.
What’s your phone password
Whatever.
Oh my head, it’s killing me.
Can I get a drink?
please, water. Anything.
What’s this?
Where is he?
What do you mean?
I went to get him a drink. Where is he?
Are you fucking kidding me? He's not in there?
No, he’s not, I thought he was with you.
Where the hell were you?
I got him a drink.
You got him a fucking drink Sam?
Just stop. Stop. Okay,
we don't Have to do this shit anymore. Knock it off
Knock it off
you don’t understand
Okay? You fucked up. Okay?
You cost me my leg. It's done.
I forgive you. We don't have to do this.
Just stop
Sam. Sam we do.
Sam, we're in this already. We have to get him
why?
Because he can ID us man, he can ID us.
He goes to the cops, we're screwed.
I’m sorry man.
I gotta go get the other gun.
Stay here
Brian,bring me my pills.
Morning, had a nice nap?
I thought I lost you.
Been running from you for hours.
Hours? Try 20 minutes. . . tops.
20 minutes? What the hell are you talking about?
Yeah, and you've been running in circles apparently.
What do you mean circles?
Yeah, you’re back to where you started. Just like your career. You've gone nowhere.
Get up.
Now what?
Can I use my phone?
Fuck no.
Listen, I'm not going to call the cops or anything.
I don't give a shit who you're going to try and call! There's no service out here.
I just want to call my girlfriend or my brother.
How is Christine?
How do you know Christine?
Listen, I think you have other things to worry about right now.
Let's go.
Listen. I just want to apologize.
That’s sweet. Let's fucking go.
No.
What the fuck do you mean no?
Do you think I'm fucking playing around?
You don’t think I'm fucking serious?
You must think I'm fucking kidding. Huh?
Motherfucker. Do you think I'm playing with you?
Motherfucker. I've been out here looking for you. You don't know me. Move your ass.
I will fucking end you.
Pull the trigger.
Then you don't get the money.
Then you don't get paid.
Yeah, you’re right.
Yeah, you're right.
My god Sam,
Dont talk
stay with me.
Who shot me?
Why? Why did you come out here?
I thought it was Brian
What are you even doing out here Sam?
What the fuck are you doing out here?
Just wanted to make sure, you're okay.
I'm so sorry.
The accident.
This..
So sorry, I should have listened to you.
I should have listened.
So sorry.
Listen..
please be quiet
I want to listen to the birds.
Sam.
Sam?
Are you going to shoot me now?
Probably.
This place opened yet?
I don't know. I just checked the door and it's locked.
It's been closed for three months.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
What the hell happened to you? You got into a bar fight?
It’s a long story.
I finding this really hard to believe Brian.
What kind of pills are you on now?
Look at my face, Dave
It's an improvement. That's what happens when a drunk junkie falls in the gutter.
I know someone's trying to kill me.
I'm not safe.
I don't know where to turn. I don't know who to trust.
All I ever do was give to you, Brian.
And all you've ever done is take take take take take take.
I'm really stuck. Dave
You're always stuck.
You know?
You're not going anywhere. Yet you need money to get there.
Always.
You never go anywhere.
I know
I'm the fuck up.
You're the successful comedian.
I can't even get an open mic off the ground.
Everything I touch turns to shit.
You’re always really stuck.
You remember how mom died?
I killed her.
It's my fault.
I should have fuckin put a gun to my head right at that moment.
You should have.
you should have taken the drugs, the leftover drugs and fuckin done it right then and there.
I just have no place to turn, Dave.
I just need a place to stay.
Fuck.
Two days, man.
I give you two days.
Who is it?
What's your Wi-Fi password?
No.
You're not watching porn in my house.
Not on my couch.
C’mon what's your Wi-Fi password?
Brian is a loser. all lowercase.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Brian is a dick
All lowercase.
Is that really your Wi-Fi password?
No. It’s Batman 66.
Leave me fucking alone.
Are you Jason?
Yeah, I'm Jason.
Is this your phone number?
That's my old number. They gave us new phones.
This number was attached to this place
Yeah, it’s not my number anymore.
I gotta get back to work and you shouldn't really be here.
So what do you think you are, Sherlock Holmes now or something?
Unless that's your new career choice
because you're not making it as a stand-up comedian.
Listen,
I know I'm not a detective, but I need to find out who is trying to kill me.
Maybe if you commit to this, everything you do is half-ass.
I know you know people on the police force; Uncle George was on the police force.
Uncle George is retired.
Yeah, but Isn't he a private investigator now?
So?
So, maybe he could help figure out who's trying to kill me.
And how are you gonna pay for this Brian?
You don't even give me money for rent.
And Uncle George isn't about charity.
He would charge Grandma, his own mother, to do a job.
I am gonna take a shower.
That's a great answer to my problem, Dave
you know, I'm gonna die, but at least you'll be clean.
Oh, I will be clean.
I’m clean.
By the way,
you said you shot somebody in the woods, right?
Why?
Because you said you did. Brian.
You know, I can't shoot.
Oh, bullshit. When we went hunting with my dad. You were always a dead shot.
Listen
I just saw it on the news. They found two bodies in the park.
Sherman Park , two bodies shot dead.
I don't know what you've done, or what you haven't done.
But what I do know is I'm not going to be your fucking safety net on this one.
I'm not your alibi.
You're on your fucking own.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I'm really sorry you had to go through this Brian.
Wait, aren't you dead in the woods?
Sometimes you have to die to really live.
So, you're alive?
You are not dead?
No, I’m dead. I'm just making conversation.
What's going on Brian? More bad dreams?
Look, do you believe me now.
Time is ticking.
You ordered a pizza?
Come on. Dave Someone's trying to kill me.
Nobody's trying to kill you.
Listen,Your dad had schizophrenia. You obviously have schizophrenia.
Let me guess, the light bulbs are listening devices?
Maybe we should go pull the shades.
Is that helicopters I hear?
You know what? Fuck you, Dave.
You know what, I'm gonna fucking prove you wrong.
Please do.
So,
I hired somebody to kidnap and kill you?
Yeah,
I remember this picture from mom's house the last time we had a picnic.
So?
I took the picture, I know
I know you took the picture.
You're the only one that ever had a copy. I asked you for one but you never gave me one.
Christine had a copy.
Bullshit. How would you know Christine had a copy of this?
Brian, she showed it to me
I never introduce you to Christine. How the hell you know, Christine?
When you disappeared…
ran away,
You know after switching the prenatal vitamins. remember that little..
She came looking for you.
She came to the house.
She was upset.
We talked.
I gave her some money.
Did you sleep with her too?
Yes, yes I slept with her.
No, I didn't fucking sleep with her.
So that's it then She's the one that wants me killed.
Yeah,
She's dating a mafia hitman now
And I'm sure he's the one gunning for you. You're pretty fucked.
Seriously?
No dumb ass.
So she's not dating a mafia Hitman. But
she's got to be the one that wants me killed. Can you please take me to her house?
For what?
I just want the chance to apologize.
I don't think Hallmark makes Sorry, I forced you to have an abortion cards
it's not gonna do you any good, Brian.
Dave, I just want to say I'm sorry.
Please take me to her house.
Christine's house.
can you come in with me?
Sorry, little brother. You're on your own.
This is all on you.
Christine killed herself in this house.
This is where she burned herself up.
Couldn’t take the loss of the baby.
Which ?
Which room, do you think it was gonna be the fucking nursery?
Let me ask you something.
You still think it's Christine that’s trying to have you killed?
Brian.
Open the door.
You cant stay in the basement. Man. You've been in there for two days.
Please come to the door, at least talk to me.
Listen,
when it's your time, it's your time, man.
If they want you to die, you're gonna ...
just please come talk to me.
When it's your time, it's your time.
You could die there just as easily as you can out here.
Forget I said that. Just come to the door. please.
Talk to me.
Brian,Open the door.
Brian,bring me my pills.
I gave mom too many pills.
I asked her if she already took them.
She said no.
Seriously?
Mom had Alzheimer's. Brian. Alzheimer’s.
You don't ask people with Alzheimers If they took their pills.
You were the one living with her. You were supposed to be taking care of her.
You're the caregiver.
You don't ask somebody who has dementia whether or not they took their pills.
I know.
I didn't.
And it's my fault she's dead.
You killed your mom. You killed my mom.
My mom.
And don't forget about Christine.
The only woman who ever loved you probably could have ever loved you.
And your child.
And what about these two strangers in the woods?
Who the fuck are they?
Brother,
you are so fucked right now.
Listen,
you are alive today
Somebody is trying to kill you.
I believe you. I'm sold.
But there's something that you used to say to me a long time ago.
I forgot how the fuck it went. Something about....
Live for today.
Get busy living. . .
Get busy living or get busy dying.
Figure it out.
So I'm in the cemetery. And I'm looking at all the stones.
And we got very few crosses.
So as I'm walking through the cemetery, right, stones everywhere,
Not too many crosses. But there they are.
The huge granite erections
Everywhere, as far as the eye can see.
It's like everyone in the cemetery died with a huge erection.
Are you with me? Alright.
It’s like I said before,
it's all about the dicks.
Speaking of dicks,
my little brother's gonna come out tonight.
So let's have a big round of applause for my big round brother.
And don't don't get too excited because he's the most mediocre comedian you gonna see
Don't don't get too excited because he's not that funny.
Thanks, Dave for that glowing introduction.
I hope I can live up to all the hype.
You know, my brother recently advised me to see a therapist.
And you know, I didn't want to see a therapist
because every time you see a therapist, you have to tell the same lie.
The my friend lie. My friend is cheating on his wife or
my friend is the one who wants to kill the therapist.
Or my friend masturbates to Schindler's List,
but only the parts that are in color.
No, I'm not going to hide behind.. my friend.
All right, this is a story that actually happened to me.
I was knocked out. I was kidnapped.
I was drugged, and not the fun kind of drugged either.
I got clarity from these drugs. What the hell kind of drug is that?
Yeah, I was expecting a psychedelic Wonderland. But no, I get clarity?
And why was I trying to be killed? Why did somebody want to murder me?
Was it a joke I told? Was it someone I pissed off?
Or pissed on?
Who knows?
I never got to find out.
I looked,
believe me, I looked.
I mean it turns out,
just about everyone in my life wants to kill me.
But nobody's got enough money to pay for it.
I even thought at one point that it was me
that actually kidnapped myself to be killed.
Like I was in some Star Wars fantasy.
And I'm Luke Skywalker, and I cut open that helmet of Darth Vader.
And it's me inside.
No, none of the Freudian bullshit.
All right. It wasn't me.
So this tenacious turd who wanted me dead, just would not flush.
I kept on getting phone calls and text messages.
Oh, you're gonna die soon? Oh, the clock is ticking.
Oh, any minute now. And you know what?
Nothing.
All right.
And then my brother graciously allows me to come on to his show,
to tag on a little bit at the end.
So I can do the one thing that I love before possibly dying,
talking to all of you and hopefully making you laugh along the way.
I could still die at any minute.
He could still be one of you that stands up to try to kill me.
Seriously, this is your last shot.
Last time you can kill me in front of people and make a good spectacle.
I’ll probably bleed a lot. I'm big.
No?
All right.
This is your last chance.
All right.
Well, I've decided now that I think that life should be lived,
until the mic drops.
Dave,
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing the stage with me
To be able to perform for all those people
side by side with you.
Instead of comparing dick sizes like we always do. Of who's better?
That was really something.
Still,
every time I hear a car backfire.
Every time I turn a corner.
I think that's the shot that's going to get me.
I can't shake the feeling that somebody is going to kill me.
You know, I finally feel like I can be in control.
The only way I can be in control
is to take matters into my own hands.
Know that I'm thankful for you.
Your brother always.
My dad gave me this jar
With fake fireflies in it.
And he told me when he came back.
The fireflies would turn blue.
I should have known It's just a dollar store piece of shit.
It's not.. you know ,my dad wasn't magic.
He never came back.
Now, I find myself looking into a blue bottle.
Listening to their cars go by over the bridge.
They could die at any minute.
They could die today right now.
The bridge could blow up,
They could drive off the edge.
Eventually, the whole world's gonna die anyway.
How can they go through their lives so carefree?
And I have to be miserable
Thinking that I might die any minute.
Well, I won't have to think about it.
If I just make the decision for myself,
never have to think about it again.
Oh shit, not again!
Sometimes I think about the best way possible to die.
As long as you don't see it coming. I think that would be the best.
I mean, ideally, falling asleep. And when you're asleep, that's when you die.
That would be the best.
I know what I've done.
There's been highs, there's been lows.
I had a lot of fun in the high.
I don't need to see it again.
It is what it is.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss your bride.