1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,058 Why cant I ever have normal dreams ? 4 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:48,933 Everybody else gets to dream about, naked women. Flying. Good sex. 5 00:01:52,141 --> 00:01:52,891 Not me. 6 00:01:53,808 --> 00:01:55,933 I have to dream about an old wrinkly ass, 7 00:01:56,808 --> 00:01:57,600 Mowing the lawn , 8 00:01:59,058 --> 00:02:02,516 Slow motion. Butt cheeks of an old man bouncing. 9 00:02:03,933 --> 00:02:05,016 As he mows the lawn. 10 00:02:06,725 --> 00:02:08,350 What the hell is wrong ? 11 00:02:15,850 --> 00:02:16,766 Up all night? busy? 12 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:18,933 Yeah, writing new comedy. 13 00:02:19,141 --> 00:02:19,641 New comedy? 14 00:02:19,641 --> 00:02:20,100 Yeah 15 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:20,766 I could tell. 16 00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:25,350 Ah. Remember our conversation two weeks ago, Brian? 17 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,058 I don't remember what I drank for breakfast. 18 00:02:28,141 --> 00:02:31,391 Well, two weeks ago, we had a conversation that I'm turning this place into a strip club 19 00:02:32,516 --> 00:02:34,433 You're getting your mom's old job back? 20 00:02:34,808 --> 00:02:38,433 Yeah. Yes, Brian. I see the comedy working for you . 21 00:02:39,308 --> 00:02:40,641 To make a long story short. Yes. 22 00:02:41,766 --> 00:02:44,100 So you're supposed to.. I told you this two weeks ago. 23 00:02:44,850 --> 00:02:46,100 My prick landlord . 24 00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:50,725 He's making me homeless so he can open up a strip club. 25 00:02:51,558 --> 00:02:53,516 Dude, have you ever considered living under a bridge? 26 00:02:53,975 --> 00:02:57,933 Because right now, I know Nobody that would put you up. 27 00:02:58,975 --> 00:03:00,100 It's not Jeff's fault. 28 00:03:00,558 --> 00:03:04,475 He finds me places to live, but the pricks keep getting me kicked out 29 00:03:04,808 --> 00:03:09,850 Dude, you're already into me for major money. I can't afford to bankroll you anymore. 30 00:03:10,808 --> 00:03:12,933 I'd love to start my day with positive thoughts 31 00:03:14,225 --> 00:03:16,808 But what can I do when I'm surrounded by negative pricks? 32 00:03:18,641 --> 00:03:19,850 Maybe, I should start over. 33 00:03:21,433 --> 00:03:24,141 Come on, Brian. There has to be a good thought in your head. 34 00:03:26,266 --> 00:03:27,141 Try harder. 35 00:03:27,766 --> 00:03:28,808 Focus on the good things. 36 00:03:30,183 --> 00:03:32,433 Your inventory can't be completely empty. 37 00:03:49,725 --> 00:03:53,725 Me waiting at the end of the driveway for a dad who's never going to pick me up 38 00:03:56,225 --> 00:03:59,225 Maybe that's better than the wrinkled ass of a naked man though. 39 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,433 Loneliness. . . Man. 40 00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:08,725 Well, we created you. 41 00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,183 Quite a disaster wasn't it? 42 00:04:13,308 --> 00:04:15,266 You just keep sipping that medicine mom. 43 00:04:15,808 --> 00:04:17,558 Until I forget that I exist too. 44 00:04:34,350 --> 00:04:37,766 You know it's customary to say hello, when you answer the phone. 45 00:04:37,975 --> 00:04:43,100 Yeah, Pat. But it's also customary to not call a comedian at eight o'clock in the morning. 46 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,475 Well, I have some important news for you. 47 00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:46,141 Alright. 48 00:04:46,391 --> 00:04:49,016 Seriously, your ass needs to meet me in my office in an hour 49 00:04:50,141 --> 00:04:50,766 All right. 50 00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:53,266 Just let me get my head right. 51 00:05:05,933 --> 00:05:07,600 Could you write some jokes for me? 52 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:10,183 Really? You want to fuck my wife too? 53 00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:12,016 Don't. Don't answer that. 54 00:05:13,141 --> 00:05:17,266 You know, my jokes are my babies. They're my children they come from inside . 55 00:05:17,391 --> 00:05:18,183 They are mine. 56 00:05:18,558 --> 00:05:19,641 No, no. 57 00:05:20,725 --> 00:05:23,225 Some comedians have other people write jokes for them. 58 00:05:23,433 --> 00:05:24,433 Yeah, Johnny Carson. 59 00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:26,350 Are you Johnny Carson? 60 00:05:26,641 --> 00:05:28,016 My stepbrother. 61 00:05:28,933 --> 00:05:31,933 Two different dicks made us, but he's clearly the bigger dick. 62 00:05:33,183 --> 00:05:36,975 In our family. words just seem to fall out of people's faces 63 00:05:37,350 --> 00:05:40,100 A lways lecture, but never a point. 64 00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:43,600 Hey, good morning, Jim. 65 00:05:44,016 --> 00:05:46,266 Hey, good morning, Brian. How are you? 66 00:05:47,308 --> 00:05:49,016 I'm not good asshole. 67 00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:52,225 I tried to wake up two different times trying to forget you. 68 00:05:53,308 --> 00:05:55,141 But you're just a turd that won’t flush 69 00:06:47,433 --> 00:06:49,891 Wow. Tough crowd. 70 00:06:58,016 --> 00:07:00,475 Brian, you know it has to be important 71 00:07:00,808 --> 00:07:04,350 because I keep calling you and texting you leaving you messages. 72 00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:08,933 Aint some fucking woman hounding you for child support. Don’t treat me like I am 73 00:07:09,350 --> 00:07:11,641 Call me back asshole, what the fuck. 74 00:07:21,933 --> 00:07:22,641 See you later honey. 75 00:07:48,683 --> 00:07:51,683 Romeo, Romeo. 76 00:07:52,308 --> 00:07:55,308 Why you keep trying to be Juliet? 77 00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:14,141 Do you know that 95% of Americans drive cars? 78 00:08:15,641 --> 00:08:19,225 I'm part of the elite 5% that doesn't drive cars. 79 00:08:20,308 --> 00:08:23,933 They're elitist. They think that they're saving the planet. 80 00:08:24,183 --> 00:08:26,308 I don't give a shit about saving the planet. 81 00:08:27,683 --> 00:08:32,100 Only reason I don't drive is because I have too many DUIs. 82 00:08:33,016 --> 00:08:37,141 Driving under the influence has caused me to not be able to drive 83 00:08:38,141 --> 00:08:42,016 As far as I know, there's no law against walking under the influence. 84 00:08:42,183 --> 00:08:43,016 So that's what I do. 85 00:08:44,766 --> 00:08:47,058 I walk all the time. I'm not healthier. 86 00:08:47,433 --> 00:08:50,225 I wear black all the time. And I don't look any skinnier. 87 00:10:25,516 --> 00:10:26,600 Hey buddy,I need a scotch 88 00:10:26,933 --> 00:10:27,516 Yes you can 89 00:10:37,308 --> 00:10:39,475 You look like a pretty smart guy. You the manager here? 90 00:10:39,683 --> 00:10:43,183 I am the owner, the manager, the accountant, and the janitor. I do it all. 91 00:10:44,141 --> 00:10:46,308 You know, I'm a comedian. 92 00:10:46,766 --> 00:10:47,975 Looking around here this, 93 00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:50,933 This would be a pretty good place to do an open mic comedy night. 94 00:10:51,141 --> 00:10:52,558 Yeah, sounds like a good idea. 95 00:10:52,933 --> 00:10:55,933 Yeah, all I would need is like $100 startup money 96 00:10:56,475 --> 00:10:59,100 Well, look, Brian, I've been in business for 45 years, 97 00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:02,516 and I haven't stayed in business that long by giving away money to people. 98 00:11:03,183 --> 00:11:04,516 You know, hit me again 99 00:11:11,475 --> 00:11:15,516 You know, at least, at least $50 for posters As start-up money. 100 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:18,016 Sorry, that's not the way I do business. 101 00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:21,600 It's too bad. We could have made a lot of money together. 102 00:11:25,475 --> 00:11:26,641 Hey, Brian. 103 00:11:27,058 --> 00:11:29,100 Those drinks aren’t free buddy. You got to pay for them. 104 00:11:29,266 --> 00:11:31,516 Yeah, I'll get my wallet from my car. I’ll be right back. 105 00:11:56,725 --> 00:11:57,600 Oh there you are 106 00:11:58,058 --> 00:11:59,558 Why don’t you ever answer your phone? 107 00:12:00,266 --> 00:12:01,933 What’s with the 8,000 phone calls anyway? 108 00:12:02,225 --> 00:12:03,516 Don't be so dramatic. 109 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,308 Listen, mom's headstone got knocked over. 110 00:12:07,225 --> 00:12:10,766 I don't know if it was vandals or what? But I need some help. 111 00:12:11,641 --> 00:12:14,266 Okay, aren't there people at the cemetery that will do that? 112 00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:16,850 I called the people in the cemetery. Nobody's answered the phone. 113 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:17,766 Can you help me? 114 00:12:19,350 --> 00:12:20,475 Why are you asking me for help? 115 00:12:20,558 --> 00:12:22,016 you're the one that lives in a mansion? 116 00:12:22,266 --> 00:12:23,016 yeah,I live in a mansion. 117 00:12:23,183 --> 00:12:24,725 Yeah, I'm getting evicted. 118 00:12:25,016 --> 00:12:26,600 Forget I asked. Oh, you are getting evicted? 119 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:27,183 Yeah. 120 00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:28,225 Oh, it's Tuesday already. 121 00:12:28,433 --> 00:12:30,475 Come on, practice your stand-up somewhere else. 122 00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:34,600 I mean, you do the same open mics every week 123 00:12:35,766 --> 00:12:37,600 Yeah, but at least I'm getting paid for it. 124 00:12:37,808 --> 00:12:40,891 Unlike you, you’re lucky if you get one gig year and don’t get paid for it. 125 00:12:42,475 --> 00:12:44,433 Listen, I'm trying to make it big. 126 00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:49,683 You know, I'm trying, you know, my manager says there's something big on the horizon. 127 00:12:49,766 --> 00:12:52,850 Something big on the horizon? Look, how about mom’s headstone? 128 00:12:52,850 --> 00:12:53,641 Is that on the horizon? 129 00:12:54,516 --> 00:12:59,891 Maybe if I make it big, then you know, I'll be able to help with money for helping, 130 00:12:59,891 --> 00:13:02,433 I asked you for help. You're asking all these other people for help. 131 00:13:02,975 --> 00:13:04,850 When somebody asks you for help, They don’t get any help 132 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:09,058 I'm not in a position to help you. But you know, once I score big, 133 00:13:09,058 --> 00:13:10,850 you know, I'll, I'll bring you with me. 134 00:13:10,850 --> 00:13:12,641 You need to help lift the headstone. 135 00:13:14,725 --> 00:13:15,641 That's not me. 136 00:13:16,058 --> 00:13:17,391 That's not you. It's our mother. 137 00:13:18,683 --> 00:13:19,558 can you help? 138 00:13:19,558 --> 00:13:20,933 Can you picture me lifting something? 139 00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:22,725 You’re ridiculous. 140 00:13:22,975 --> 00:13:24,600 Listen, I have to take a piss. 141 00:13:24,808 --> 00:13:25,766 Yeah take a piss 142 00:13:27,391 --> 00:13:28,100 You’re ridiculous. 143 00:14:05,183 --> 00:14:06,475 How many pills did you steal this time? 144 00:14:07,391 --> 00:14:08,225 You are not my father 145 00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,725 Not your pharmacist either 146 00:14:13,058 --> 00:14:13,641 Seriously. 147 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:19,266 You should let me stay here. 148 00:14:23,683 --> 00:14:25,016 Seriously, you shall let me stay here. 149 00:14:25,350 --> 00:14:26,225 Let me think about that. 150 00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:27,933 No 151 00:14:29,225 --> 00:14:32,350 I help you with mom's headstone. If you just let me stay here for a couple days, 152 00:14:34,475 --> 00:14:37,225 You should be wanting to help me with mom's headstone anyway, 153 00:14:37,850 --> 00:14:39,475 you know, you always, you always want something. 154 00:14:40,266 --> 00:14:43,725 you can't just give you have to, you know, 155 00:14:45,725 --> 00:14:47,891 there's more to life than just taking Brian. 156 00:14:48,891 --> 00:14:50,391 Sometimes people ask you for things. 157 00:14:50,808 --> 00:14:53,100 You might not want to do them. But you have to. 158 00:14:54,016 --> 00:14:57,683 That's the way life works. It's give and take; not just take 159 00:14:59,391 --> 00:15:01,516 Okay, so you gave me your rational shit. 160 00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,808 And I'm gonna take your pills and get out of here. 161 00:15:04,725 --> 00:15:05,350 Have a good one. 162 00:15:17,891 --> 00:15:19,183 Pat, You bitch. 163 00:15:20,225 --> 00:15:22,683 You are day drinking now. Good for you 164 00:15:24,433 --> 00:15:27,433 You were supposed to be in my office five hours ago. 165 00:15:28,141 --> 00:15:30,391 You found me. So, no harm, no foul. 166 00:15:31,266 --> 00:15:32,891 Why should I have to come and look for you? 167 00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,683 What's this huge news you have for me? 168 00:15:36,891 --> 00:15:42,016 I'm gonna play bartender number three on some pilot that's never gonna see the light of day. 169 00:15:42,558 --> 00:15:44,850 The guys from the late-night show called me. 170 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,141 Really? 171 00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:49,641 They want to see your act, in a couple of months. 172 00:15:50,308 --> 00:15:51,808 That's awesome news. 173 00:15:52,141 --> 00:15:55,141 So with this great news. How about an advance? 174 00:15:55,933 --> 00:15:58,933 Not a chance am I lending you any money. 175 00:16:01,183 --> 00:16:05,266 I'm not going to use it for drugs or alcohol, Pat, you know, maybe I just want to eat 176 00:16:06,225 --> 00:16:07,225 I will cook you a meal. 177 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:09,183 Come on. 178 00:16:10,391 --> 00:16:15,433 Now, I can't take the chance of you using it to just go out and party. 179 00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:17,558 This is your big shot. 180 00:16:19,058 --> 00:16:20,308 You can't blow it. 181 00:16:21,516 --> 00:16:25,266 Alright. I'm gonna go get sober. Okay? 182 00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:27,808 You have to prove it to me. 183 00:16:28,475 --> 00:16:28,933 Of course. 184 00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,516 in the next two months. 185 00:16:30,516 --> 00:16:31,183 Yeah. 186 00:16:31,475 --> 00:16:32,266 Tiffany. 187 00:16:33,766 --> 00:16:35,183 My drinks are on the manager. 188 00:16:38,141 --> 00:16:39,225 Don't worry, Pat. 189 00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:42,183 I've got my own money this time. 190 00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:43,975 Have a good day 191 00:17:15,641 --> 00:17:18,641 listen, guys, I know that you were here for a night of comedy 192 00:17:19,558 --> 00:17:22,558 But I just about killed my manager backstage 193 00:17:22,766 --> 00:17:27,058 because tonight was supposed to be a night where the late-night show representative was here 194 00:17:27,058 --> 00:17:32,100 so that I could get out of this business of comedy and start writing and actually making money. 195 00:17:33,141 --> 00:17:36,808 But no, instead I have to do comedy for you morons. 196 00:17:37,016 --> 00:17:38,141 We're not morons. 197 00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:39,641 You’re a moron! 198 00:17:41,183 --> 00:17:45,183 Thank you, Billy Bob, for proving to everybody how smart you are 199 00:17:45,308 --> 00:17:48,850 by shouting out in the middle of a comedy set. 200 00:17:49,141 --> 00:17:51,350 I was in this very spot. 201 00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:54,641 15 years ago, when I started Comedy, 202 00:17:55,433 --> 00:17:58,100 15 years ago, and I'm still here. 203 00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,725 That means my career has literally gone nowhere. 204 00:18:01,183 --> 00:18:03,475 Just like all of your lives 205 00:18:03,766 --> 00:18:07,891 I should just give up because I'm telling. I'm telling highbrow comedy. 206 00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:12,350 I'm telling intellectual comedy to people who just aren't going to get it. 207 00:18:12,933 --> 00:18:15,933 You guys just want me to stand up here and talk about piss and fart. 208 00:18:16,725 --> 00:18:18,183 Just so that you guys can laugh. 209 00:18:18,808 --> 00:18:21,975 But that's not what I want to do. I want you guys to leave here smarter. 210 00:18:22,558 --> 00:18:24,433 But I think it's probably impossible. 211 00:18:25,808 --> 00:18:27,266 I should just .. listen. You know what? 212 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:31,350 I'm going to drink every last drop of alcohol there is on the planet. 213 00:18:31,850 --> 00:18:34,933 I'm going to just take every pill that there is on the planet 214 00:18:35,516 --> 00:18:37,808 until I'm so high that I don't care anymore. 215 00:18:38,308 --> 00:18:40,766 In fact, does anybody have a gun? 216 00:18:41,141 --> 00:18:42,433 That's hilarious 217 00:21:12,555 --> 00:21:13,680 Where'd you get that? 218 00:21:14,596 --> 00:21:15,263 What does it matter? 219 00:21:18,971 --> 00:21:20,096 What’s in there? 220 00:21:20,138 --> 00:21:21,263 what do you gonna do? 221 00:21:21,430 --> 00:21:23,055 Don't sweat it, it's gonna be fun. 222 00:21:23,641 --> 00:21:25,308 okay? he’s gonna take a little nap. 223 00:21:26,725 --> 00:21:27,308 You’re not funny 224 00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:32,225 Pat..... u bitch! 225 00:21:33,433 --> 00:21:34,141 Who are you? 226 00:21:34,141 --> 00:21:35,850 No, no, no, 227 00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:38,058 None of that cliched bullshit. 228 00:21:38,266 --> 00:21:39,058 It’s not happening 229 00:21:39,433 --> 00:21:41,100 None of that Who are you guys? 230 00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:43,058 Where am I? How did I get here? 231 00:21:43,350 --> 00:21:44,183 No, none of that shit 232 00:21:44,558 --> 00:21:47,141 You sit down. You keep your mouth shut. 233 00:21:47,558 --> 00:21:49,183 Everything's fine. You get me. 234 00:21:50,683 --> 00:21:52,058 Okay, so you're not going to kill me right? 235 00:21:52,225 --> 00:21:52,766 Probably. 236 00:21:53,225 --> 00:21:53,850 Probably? 237 00:21:54,016 --> 00:21:54,558 Probably? 238 00:21:55,266 --> 00:21:56,058 Probably Yeah, 239 00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,266 You probably should have shared that with me I wouldn't have signed up for this. 240 00:22:00,391 --> 00:22:01,558 You know you need the money too. 241 00:22:03,391 --> 00:22:07,308 Wait. I am going to get killed but you're just probably not going to do it? 242 00:22:07,808 --> 00:22:10,225 Sorry man. Looks like you must have pissed off the wrong guy. 243 00:22:10,933 --> 00:22:13,391 Oh god. It was the abortion joke. 244 00:22:13,475 --> 00:22:15,141 I know it was the abortion joke. 245 00:22:15,391 --> 00:22:17,016 Wait. You're a comedian? 246 00:22:17,558 --> 00:22:18,391 Yeah, 247 00:22:18,558 --> 00:22:21,766 Really? That's awesome. He hates comedians. 248 00:22:22,558 --> 00:22:23,558 Tell us a joke 249 00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:24,975 Tell us a joke? 250 00:22:25,850 --> 00:22:29,350 He is an artist he is not gonna able to tell a joke under this kind of pressure. 251 00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:33,475 Tell us a fucking joke. Consider this as an open mic night. 252 00:22:37,100 --> 00:22:38,558 Okay. All right. 253 00:22:41,391 --> 00:22:43,016 I like to do impressions. 254 00:22:44,725 --> 00:22:50,725 I like to mix two different celebrities and do their impressions at the same time. 255 00:22:50,933 --> 00:22:53,391 So here's my impression of 256 00:22:55,766 --> 00:22:58,766 Christopher Reeves and Stephen Hawking. 257 00:22:59,475 --> 00:23:02,100 Oh, you got to tell a joke about a cripple? You're going to go that way. 258 00:23:02,266 --> 00:23:04,183 You tell you cracking jokes about a cripple? 259 00:23:04,183 --> 00:23:08,600 No, it's not about that they are cripple. It's about that they're both dead. 260 00:23:09,141 --> 00:23:11,350 It could have been pretty funny . 261 00:23:11,350 --> 00:23:12,141 Disgusting. 262 00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:14,766 Whatever. At least I'm funnier than this guy. 263 00:23:15,558 --> 00:23:17,308 Hey, listen. Whatever. 264 00:23:17,433 --> 00:23:21,350 I'm done with this lame shit anyway. I'm supposed to get a call from our employer. 265 00:23:21,808 --> 00:23:25,225 We get shit for reception here I'm gonna go outside see if I can find something. 266 00:23:25,725 --> 00:23:26,808 By the way who's Pat. 267 00:23:28,016 --> 00:23:28,766 It’s my agent. 268 00:23:30,183 --> 00:23:31,600 What’s your phone password 269 00:23:33,933 --> 00:23:34,975 Whatever. 270 00:23:43,350 --> 00:23:46,058 Oh my head, it’s killing me. 271 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,391 Can I get a drink? 272 00:23:56,058 --> 00:23:58,808 please, water. Anything. 273 00:24:54,058 --> 00:24:54,933 What’s this? 274 00:24:55,225 --> 00:24:55,891 Where is he? 275 00:24:56,725 --> 00:24:57,266 What do you mean? 276 00:24:57,266 --> 00:24:59,391 I went to get him a drink. Where is he? 277 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,725 Are you fucking kidding me? He's not in there? 278 00:25:01,725 --> 00:25:03,725 No, he’s not, I thought he was with you. 279 00:25:03,725 --> 00:25:04,933 Where the hell were you? 280 00:25:04,933 --> 00:25:06,141 I got him a drink. 281 00:25:06,141 --> 00:25:08,016 You got him a fucking drink Sam? 282 00:25:08,016 --> 00:25:11,058 Just stop. Stop. Okay, 283 00:25:11,350 --> 00:25:13,183 we don't Have to do this shit anymore. Knock it off 284 00:25:13,350 --> 00:25:14,141 Knock it off 285 00:25:14,516 --> 00:25:15,266 you don’t understand 286 00:25:15,391 --> 00:25:17,683 Okay? You fucked up. Okay? 287 00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:19,975 You cost me my leg. It's done. 288 00:25:20,641 --> 00:25:24,391 I forgive you. We don't have to do this. 289 00:25:24,850 --> 00:25:25,725 Just stop 290 00:25:26,141 --> 00:25:28,891 Sam. Sam we do. 291 00:25:29,016 --> 00:25:33,058 Sam, we're in this already. We have to get him 292 00:25:33,058 --> 00:25:33,683 why? 293 00:25:34,308 --> 00:25:37,308 Because he can ID us man, he can ID us. 294 00:25:37,308 --> 00:25:38,725 He goes to the cops, we're screwed. 295 00:25:42,975 --> 00:25:44,016 I’m sorry man. 296 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:46,475 I gotta go get the other gun. 297 00:25:58,183 --> 00:26:00,058 Stay here 298 00:28:22,225 --> 00:28:24,600 Brian,bring me my pills. 299 00:30:10,100 --> 00:30:11,850 Morning, had a nice nap? 300 00:30:14,933 --> 00:30:15,600 I thought I lost you. 301 00:30:16,933 --> 00:30:18,350 Been running from you for hours. 302 00:30:19,766 --> 00:30:22,225 Hours? Try 20 minutes. . . tops. 303 00:30:24,433 --> 00:30:26,683 20 minutes? What the hell are you talking about? 304 00:30:28,141 --> 00:30:30,516 Yeah, and you've been running in circles apparently. 305 00:30:32,850 --> 00:30:33,850 What do you mean circles? 306 00:30:36,808 --> 00:30:41,016 Yeah, you’re back to where you started. Just like your career. You've gone nowhere. 307 00:30:58,933 --> 00:30:59,850 Get up. 308 00:31:20,266 --> 00:31:21,183 Now what? 309 00:31:23,141 --> 00:31:24,058 Can I use my phone? 310 00:31:24,183 --> 00:31:25,016 Fuck no. 311 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,308 Listen, I'm not going to call the cops or anything. 312 00:31:28,308 --> 00:31:31,308 I don't give a shit who you're going to try and call! There's no service out here. 313 00:31:33,016 --> 00:31:35,225 I just want to call my girlfriend or my brother. 314 00:31:36,100 --> 00:31:36,683 How is Christine? 315 00:31:37,850 --> 00:31:38,975 How do you know Christine? 316 00:31:39,183 --> 00:31:41,516 Listen, I think you have other things to worry about right now. 317 00:31:42,391 --> 00:31:43,183 Let's go. 318 00:31:43,391 --> 00:31:45,183 Listen. I just want to apologize. 319 00:31:45,433 --> 00:31:47,391 That’s sweet. Let's fucking go. 320 00:31:51,183 --> 00:31:51,641 No. 321 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:56,266 No. 322 00:31:58,266 --> 00:31:59,766 What the fuck do you mean no? 323 00:32:03,683 --> 00:32:05,141 Do you think I'm fucking playing around? 324 00:32:06,725 --> 00:32:08,058 You don’t think I'm fucking serious? 325 00:32:10,475 --> 00:32:12,308 You must think I'm fucking kidding. Huh? 326 00:32:12,933 --> 00:32:14,683 Motherfucker. Do you think I'm playing with you? 327 00:32:21,516 --> 00:32:27,933 Motherfucker. I've been out here looking for you. You don't know me. Move your ass. 328 00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:33,850 I will fucking end you. 329 00:32:39,808 --> 00:32:40,683 Pull the trigger. 330 00:32:44,433 --> 00:32:45,350 Pull the trigger. 331 00:32:47,308 --> 00:32:48,475 Then you don't get the money. 332 00:32:51,558 --> 00:32:52,850 Then you don't get paid. 333 00:33:04,391 --> 00:33:05,183 Yeah, you’re right. 334 00:33:06,933 --> 00:33:07,641 Yeah, you're right. 335 00:34:25,266 --> 00:34:26,475 My god Sam, 336 00:34:26,475 --> 00:34:27,141 Dont talk 337 00:34:27,975 --> 00:34:28,433 stay with me. 338 00:34:28,558 --> 00:34:29,308 Who shot me? 339 00:34:29,516 --> 00:34:31,475 Why? Why did you come out here? 340 00:34:32,725 --> 00:34:34,100 I thought it was Brian 341 00:34:34,100 --> 00:34:35,683 What are you even doing out here Sam? 342 00:34:35,683 --> 00:34:37,641 What the fuck are you doing out here? 343 00:34:38,350 --> 00:34:42,016 Just wanted to make sure, you're okay. 344 00:34:47,183 --> 00:34:48,266 I'm so sorry. 345 00:34:49,016 --> 00:34:49,850 I'm so sorry. 346 00:34:50,725 --> 00:34:51,600 The accident. 347 00:34:53,391 --> 00:34:53,808 This.. 348 00:34:55,558 --> 00:34:57,808 So sorry, I should have listened to you. 349 00:34:57,933 --> 00:34:59,558 I should have listened. 350 00:35:00,683 --> 00:35:01,516 So sorry. 351 00:35:02,808 --> 00:35:03,475 Listen.. 352 00:35:04,225 --> 00:35:05,725 please be quiet 353 00:35:11,391 --> 00:35:14,141 I want to listen to the birds. 354 00:35:28,100 --> 00:35:28,683 Sam. 355 00:35:31,766 --> 00:35:32,350 Sam? 356 00:35:41,391 --> 00:35:42,683 Are you going to shoot me now? 357 00:35:45,641 --> 00:35:46,141 Probably. 358 00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:54,266 This place opened yet? 359 00:37:55,891 --> 00:37:58,141 I don't know. I just checked the door and it's locked. 360 00:37:59,016 --> 00:38:00,308 It's been closed for three months. 361 00:38:02,141 --> 00:38:03,350 I don't know what to tell you, man. 362 00:38:03,766 --> 00:38:05,641 What the hell happened to you? You got into a bar fight? 363 00:38:06,100 --> 00:38:07,016 It’s a long story. 364 00:38:41,350 --> 00:38:43,516 I finding this really hard to believe Brian. 365 00:38:47,516 --> 00:38:48,683 What kind of pills are you on now? 366 00:38:50,891 --> 00:38:51,850 Look at my face, Dave 367 00:38:52,225 --> 00:38:56,516 It's an improvement. That's what happens when a drunk junkie falls in the gutter. 368 00:39:00,933 --> 00:39:02,683 I know someone's trying to kill me. 369 00:39:04,016 --> 00:39:05,183 I'm not safe. 370 00:39:06,766 --> 00:39:09,391 I don't know where to turn. I don't know who to trust. 371 00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:13,100 All I ever do was give to you, Brian. 372 00:39:14,308 --> 00:39:17,683 And all you've ever done is take take take take take take. 373 00:39:21,891 --> 00:39:23,141 I'm really stuck. Dave 374 00:39:23,266 --> 00:39:24,016 You're always stuck. 375 00:39:25,766 --> 00:39:26,266 You know? 376 00:39:27,475 --> 00:39:30,475 You're not going anywhere. Yet you need money to get there. 377 00:39:31,766 --> 00:39:32,558 Always. 378 00:39:34,100 --> 00:39:35,016 You never go anywhere. 379 00:39:38,266 --> 00:39:38,850 I know 380 00:39:39,933 --> 00:39:40,808 I'm the fuck up. 381 00:39:42,516 --> 00:39:44,016 You're the successful comedian. 382 00:39:44,766 --> 00:39:47,266 I can't even get an open mic off the ground. 383 00:39:47,891 --> 00:39:49,641 Everything I touch turns to shit. 384 00:39:52,058 --> 00:39:53,308 You’re always really stuck. 385 00:40:01,141 --> 00:40:02,100 You remember how mom died? 386 00:40:11,933 --> 00:40:12,516 I killed her. 387 00:40:16,725 --> 00:40:17,266 It's my fault. 388 00:40:19,850 --> 00:40:22,350 I should have fuckin put a gun to my head right at that moment. 389 00:40:22,558 --> 00:40:23,433 You should have. 390 00:40:29,391 --> 00:40:33,433 you should have taken the drugs, the leftover drugs and fuckin done it right then and there. 391 00:40:39,308 --> 00:40:41,100 I just have no place to turn, Dave. 392 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:44,058 I just need a place to stay. 393 00:40:50,308 --> 00:40:51,016 Fuck. 394 00:41:01,725 --> 00:41:02,725 Two days, man. 395 00:41:06,516 --> 00:41:07,475 I give you two days. 396 00:42:14,725 --> 00:42:15,641 Who is it? 397 00:42:16,766 --> 00:42:18,641 What's your Wi-Fi password? 398 00:42:23,183 --> 00:42:23,808 No. 399 00:42:24,891 --> 00:42:26,433 You're not watching porn in my house. 400 00:42:27,475 --> 00:42:28,641 Not on my couch. 401 00:42:28,891 --> 00:42:31,225 C’mon what's your Wi-Fi password? 402 00:42:32,100 --> 00:42:35,850 Brian is a loser. all lowercase. 403 00:42:36,391 --> 00:42:37,141 Seriously? 404 00:42:40,683 --> 00:42:41,350 Seriously. 405 00:42:42,850 --> 00:42:43,725 Brian is a dick 406 00:42:44,308 --> 00:42:45,141 All lowercase. 407 00:42:47,100 --> 00:42:48,683 Is that really your Wi-Fi password? 408 00:42:48,975 --> 00:42:51,516 No. It’s Batman 66. 409 00:42:51,766 --> 00:42:53,266 Leave me fucking alone. 410 00:44:01,141 --> 00:44:01,975 Are you Jason? 411 00:44:02,141 --> 00:44:02,725 Yeah, I'm Jason. 412 00:44:03,516 --> 00:44:04,433 Is this your phone number? 413 00:44:05,433 --> 00:44:07,558 That's my old number. They gave us new phones. 414 00:44:08,850 --> 00:44:10,808 This number was attached to this place 415 00:44:11,100 --> 00:44:12,516 Yeah, it’s not my number anymore. 416 00:44:12,516 --> 00:44:15,016 I gotta get back to work and you shouldn't really be here. 417 00:44:44,016 --> 00:44:46,725 So what do you think you are, Sherlock Holmes now or something? 418 00:44:46,725 --> 00:44:48,683 Unless that's your new career choice 419 00:44:49,266 --> 00:44:52,058 because you're not making it as a stand-up comedian. 420 00:44:53,183 --> 00:44:53,516 Listen, 421 00:44:55,058 --> 00:44:58,475 I know I'm not a detective, but I need to find out who is trying to kill me. 422 00:44:59,225 --> 00:45:03,183 Maybe if you commit to this, everything you do is half-ass. 423 00:45:04,183 --> 00:45:07,766 I know you know people on the police force; Uncle George was on the police force. 424 00:45:08,641 --> 00:45:10,100 Uncle George is retired. 425 00:45:10,766 --> 00:45:12,766 Yeah, but Isn't he a private investigator now? 426 00:45:14,308 --> 00:45:14,850 So? 427 00:45:15,391 --> 00:45:18,308 So, maybe he could help figure out who's trying to kill me. 428 00:45:22,391 --> 00:45:23,683 And how are you gonna pay for this Brian? 429 00:45:26,100 --> 00:45:27,266 You don't even give me money for rent. 430 00:45:30,350 --> 00:45:31,683 And Uncle George isn't about charity. 431 00:45:33,058 --> 00:45:37,225 He would charge Grandma, his own mother, to do a job. 432 00:45:50,808 --> 00:45:51,725 I am gonna take a shower. 433 00:45:53,350 --> 00:45:55,766 That's a great answer to my problem, Dave 434 00:45:56,600 --> 00:45:58,975 you know, I'm gonna die, but at least you'll be clean. 435 00:45:59,183 --> 00:45:59,975 Oh, I will be clean. 436 00:46:01,766 --> 00:46:02,433 I’m clean. 437 00:46:07,975 --> 00:46:08,558 By the way, 438 00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:11,475 you said you shot somebody in the woods, right? 439 00:46:11,933 --> 00:46:12,516 Why? 440 00:46:13,433 --> 00:46:13,808 Why? 441 00:46:15,100 --> 00:46:16,475 Because you said you did. Brian. 442 00:46:18,475 --> 00:46:19,516 You know, I can't shoot. 443 00:46:19,641 --> 00:46:24,183 Oh, bullshit. When we went hunting with my dad. You were always a dead shot. 444 00:46:25,683 --> 00:46:26,141 Listen 445 00:46:30,225 --> 00:46:32,891 I just saw it on the news. They found two bodies in the park. 446 00:46:33,475 --> 00:46:35,350 Sherman Park , two bodies shot dead. 447 00:46:37,350 --> 00:46:41,516 I don't know what you've done, or what you haven't done. 448 00:46:42,891 --> 00:46:46,808 But what I do know is I'm not going to be your fucking safety net on this one. 449 00:46:47,350 --> 00:46:48,433 I'm not your alibi. 450 00:46:49,183 --> 00:46:50,100 You're on your fucking own. 451 00:46:57,058 --> 00:46:58,058 I think I'm gonna be sick. 452 00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:39,016 I'm really sorry you had to go through this Brian. 453 00:49:41,433 --> 00:49:43,516 Wait, aren't you dead in the woods? 454 00:49:46,350 --> 00:49:47,891 Sometimes you have to die to really live. 455 00:49:50,183 --> 00:49:51,641 So, you're alive? 456 00:49:54,975 --> 00:49:56,016 You are not dead? 457 00:49:57,266 --> 00:50:00,058 No, I’m dead. I'm just making conversation. 458 00:50:44,266 --> 00:50:46,183 What's going on Brian? More bad dreams? 459 00:50:47,516 --> 00:50:49,308 Look, do you believe me now. 460 00:50:50,850 --> 00:50:52,308 Time is ticking. 461 00:50:53,766 --> 00:50:54,975 You ordered a pizza? 462 00:50:54,975 --> 00:50:56,933 Come on. Dave Someone's trying to kill me. 463 00:50:56,933 --> 00:50:58,850 Nobody's trying to kill you. 464 00:50:59,600 --> 00:51:03,475 Listen,Your dad had schizophrenia. You obviously have schizophrenia. 465 00:51:04,308 --> 00:51:07,891 Let me guess, the light bulbs are listening devices? 466 00:51:08,683 --> 00:51:10,266 Maybe we should go pull the shades. 467 00:51:11,308 --> 00:51:12,725 Is that helicopters I hear? 468 00:51:12,725 --> 00:51:14,141 You know what? Fuck you, Dave. 469 00:51:14,766 --> 00:51:16,641 You know what, I'm gonna fucking prove you wrong. 470 00:51:17,141 --> 00:51:17,766 Please do. 471 00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:28,350 So, 472 00:56:31,391 --> 00:56:33,808 I hired somebody to kidnap and kill you? 473 00:56:35,016 --> 00:56:35,350 Yeah, 474 00:56:36,933 --> 00:56:40,225 I remember this picture from mom's house the last time we had a picnic. 475 00:56:41,100 --> 00:56:41,391 So? 476 00:56:41,725 --> 00:56:42,975 I took the picture, I know 477 00:56:43,683 --> 00:56:45,100 I know you took the picture. 478 00:56:46,350 --> 00:56:49,850 You're the only one that ever had a copy. I asked you for one but you never gave me one. 479 00:56:49,850 --> 00:56:50,600 Christine had a copy. 480 00:56:51,391 --> 00:56:54,141 Bullshit. How would you know Christine had a copy of this? 481 00:56:55,475 --> 00:56:56,266 Brian, she showed it to me 482 00:56:57,891 --> 00:57:00,475 I never introduce you to Christine. How the hell you know, Christine? 483 00:57:02,641 --> 00:57:03,516 When you disappeared… 484 00:57:05,058 --> 00:57:05,808 ran away, 485 00:57:06,600 --> 00:57:09,850 You know after switching the prenatal vitamins. remember that little.. 486 00:57:11,766 --> 00:57:12,683 She came looking for you. 487 00:57:14,016 --> 00:57:14,641 She came to the house. 488 00:57:16,641 --> 00:57:17,183 She was upset. 489 00:57:20,641 --> 00:57:21,141 We talked. 490 00:57:23,641 --> 00:57:24,350 I gave her some money. 491 00:57:25,475 --> 00:57:26,641 Did you sleep with her too? 492 00:57:26,808 --> 00:57:28,141 Yes, yes I slept with her. 493 00:57:29,016 --> 00:57:30,308 No, I didn't fucking sleep with her. 494 00:57:31,850 --> 00:57:34,183 So that's it then She's the one that wants me killed. 495 00:57:36,141 --> 00:57:36,475 Yeah, 496 00:57:37,891 --> 00:57:39,516 She's dating a mafia hitman now 497 00:57:40,350 --> 00:57:42,600 And I'm sure he's the one gunning for you. You're pretty fucked. 498 00:57:42,850 --> 00:57:43,600 Seriously? 499 00:57:43,975 --> 00:57:45,141 No dumb ass. 500 00:57:46,600 --> 00:57:48,391 So she's not dating a mafia Hitman. But 501 00:57:49,641 --> 00:57:53,016 she's got to be the one that wants me killed. Can you please take me to her house? 502 00:57:55,225 --> 00:57:55,683 For what? 503 00:57:56,891 --> 00:57:58,641 I just want the chance to apologize. 504 00:58:00,766 --> 00:58:05,141 I don't think Hallmark makes Sorry, I forced you to have an abortion cards 505 00:58:06,350 --> 00:58:07,558 it's not gonna do you any good, Brian. 506 00:58:08,683 --> 00:58:10,766 Dave, I just want to say I'm sorry. 507 00:58:13,808 --> 00:58:14,891 Please take me to her house. 508 00:58:31,933 --> 00:58:32,516 Christine's house. 509 00:58:37,766 --> 00:58:38,600 can you come in with me? 510 00:58:39,641 --> 00:58:42,641 Sorry, little brother. You're on your own. 511 00:59:17,350 --> 00:59:18,475 This is all on you. 512 00:59:21,600 --> 00:59:23,058 Christine killed herself in this house. 513 00:59:24,016 --> 00:59:25,225 This is where she burned herself up. 514 00:59:28,600 --> 00:59:29,725 Couldn’t take the loss of the baby. 515 00:59:32,850 --> 00:59:33,600 Which ? 516 00:59:40,308 --> 00:59:42,100 Which room, do you think it was gonna be the fucking nursery? 517 00:59:45,433 --> 00:59:46,225 Let me ask you something. 518 00:59:47,558 --> 00:59:49,433 You still think it's Christine that’s trying to have you killed? 519 01:00:58,475 --> 01:00:59,141 Brian. 520 01:01:00,475 --> 01:01:01,350 Open the door. 521 01:01:03,600 --> 01:01:06,141 You cant stay in the basement. Man. You've been in there for two days. 522 01:01:08,558 --> 01:01:10,225 Please come to the door, at least talk to me. 523 01:01:11,725 --> 01:01:12,391 Listen, 524 01:01:12,933 --> 01:01:14,808 when it's your time, it's your time, man. 525 01:01:16,975 --> 01:01:18,266 If they want you to die, you're gonna ... 526 01:01:19,433 --> 01:01:20,766 just please come talk to me. 527 01:01:23,933 --> 01:01:25,266 When it's your time, it's your time. 528 01:01:26,058 --> 01:01:28,225 You could die there just as easily as you can out here. 529 01:01:30,391 --> 01:01:33,391 Forget I said that. Just come to the door. please. 530 01:01:34,433 --> 01:01:34,975 Talk to me. 531 01:01:45,975 --> 01:01:47,808 Brian,Open the door. 532 01:01:56,725 --> 01:01:59,850 Brian,bring me my pills. 533 01:02:10,975 --> 01:02:12,141 I gave mom too many pills. 534 01:02:15,308 --> 01:02:16,600 I asked her if she already took them. 535 01:02:17,891 --> 01:02:18,600 She said no. 536 01:02:19,433 --> 01:02:20,141 Seriously? 537 01:02:21,183 --> 01:02:23,516 Mom had Alzheimer's. Brian. Alzheimer’s. 538 01:02:24,100 --> 01:02:26,808 You don't ask people with Alzheimers If they took their pills. 539 01:02:28,600 --> 01:02:31,100 You were the one living with her. You were supposed to be taking care of her. 540 01:02:31,225 --> 01:02:32,100 You're the caregiver. 541 01:02:33,433 --> 01:02:36,808 You don't ask somebody who has dementia whether or not they took their pills. 542 01:02:43,475 --> 01:02:43,975 I know. 543 01:02:45,683 --> 01:02:46,308 I didn't. 544 01:02:48,933 --> 01:02:49,933 And it's my fault she's dead. 545 01:02:52,683 --> 01:02:55,308 You killed your mom. You killed my mom. 546 01:02:56,266 --> 01:02:56,766 My mom. 547 01:02:58,350 --> 01:02:59,558 And don't forget about Christine. 548 01:03:00,808 --> 01:03:04,100 The only woman who ever loved you probably could have ever loved you. 549 01:03:05,350 --> 01:03:06,475 And your child. 550 01:03:10,891 --> 01:03:12,391 And what about these two strangers in the woods? 551 01:03:13,891 --> 01:03:14,850 Who the fuck are they? 552 01:03:19,391 --> 01:03:19,808 Brother, 553 01:03:20,933 --> 01:03:22,600 you are so fucked right now. 554 01:03:32,850 --> 01:03:33,558 Listen, 555 01:03:38,475 --> 01:03:39,391 you are alive today 556 01:03:41,975 --> 01:03:43,225 Somebody is trying to kill you. 557 01:03:45,433 --> 01:03:47,225 I believe you. I'm sold. 558 01:03:50,100 --> 01:03:52,850 But there's something that you used to say to me a long time ago. 559 01:03:53,766 --> 01:03:55,933 I forgot how the fuck it went. Something about.... 560 01:03:57,975 --> 01:03:59,016 Live for today. 561 01:03:59,808 --> 01:04:00,850 Get busy living. . . 562 01:04:00,850 --> 01:04:03,391 Get busy living or get busy dying. 563 01:04:06,391 --> 01:04:07,183 Figure it out. 564 01:04:23,100 --> 01:04:26,100 So I'm in the cemetery. And I'm looking at all the stones. 565 01:04:27,100 --> 01:04:29,933 And we got very few crosses. 566 01:04:31,308 --> 01:04:35,225 So as I'm walking through the cemetery, right, stones everywhere, 567 01:04:36,558 --> 01:04:39,308 Not too many crosses. But there they are. 568 01:04:39,725 --> 01:04:41,350 The huge granite erections 569 01:04:42,058 --> 01:04:43,891 Everywhere, as far as the eye can see. 570 01:04:44,641 --> 01:04:46,850 It's like everyone in the cemetery died with a huge erection. 571 01:04:47,433 --> 01:04:49,225 Are you with me? Alright. 572 01:04:49,891 --> 01:04:51,016 It’s like I said before, 573 01:04:51,891 --> 01:04:53,058 it's all about the dicks. 574 01:04:53,766 --> 01:04:54,391 Speaking of dicks, 575 01:04:56,725 --> 01:04:58,266 my little brother's gonna come out tonight. 576 01:05:00,725 --> 01:05:04,933 So let's have a big round of applause for my big round brother. 577 01:05:05,100 --> 01:05:08,516 And don't don't get too excited because he's the most mediocre comedian you gonna see 578 01:05:08,808 --> 01:05:11,391 Don't don't get too excited because he's not that funny. 579 01:05:13,725 --> 01:05:16,141 Thanks, Dave for that glowing introduction. 580 01:05:19,975 --> 01:05:22,308 I hope I can live up to all the hype. 581 01:05:24,725 --> 01:05:27,725 You know, my brother recently advised me to see a therapist. 582 01:05:29,225 --> 01:05:31,141 And you know, I didn't want to see a therapist 583 01:05:31,350 --> 01:05:34,600 because every time you see a therapist, you have to tell the same lie. 584 01:05:34,725 --> 01:05:39,683 The my friend lie. My friend is cheating on his wife or 585 01:05:39,933 --> 01:05:44,641 my friend is the one who wants to kill the therapist. 586 01:05:45,058 --> 01:05:48,475 Or my friend masturbates to Schindler's List, 587 01:05:48,850 --> 01:05:50,766 but only the parts that are in color. 588 01:05:51,600 --> 01:05:55,100 No, I'm not going to hide behind.. my friend. 589 01:05:55,683 --> 01:05:59,850 All right, this is a story that actually happened to me. 590 01:06:00,475 --> 01:06:02,933 I was knocked out. I was kidnapped. 591 01:06:03,516 --> 01:06:06,516 I was drugged, and not the fun kind of drugged either. 592 01:06:07,266 --> 01:06:10,350 I got clarity from these drugs. What the hell kind of drug is that? 593 01:06:11,683 --> 01:06:16,225 Yeah, I was expecting a psychedelic Wonderland. But no, I get clarity? 594 01:06:17,266 --> 01:06:21,808 And why was I trying to be killed? Why did somebody want to murder me? 595 01:06:22,100 --> 01:06:25,391 Was it a joke I told? Was it someone I pissed off? 596 01:06:26,350 --> 01:06:27,350 Or pissed on? 597 01:06:28,183 --> 01:06:29,016 Who knows? 598 01:06:31,266 --> 01:06:32,183 Who knows? 599 01:06:33,475 --> 01:06:36,058 I never got to find out. 600 01:06:37,391 --> 01:06:37,933 I looked, 601 01:06:38,808 --> 01:06:40,058 believe me, I looked. 602 01:06:41,183 --> 01:06:42,266 I mean it turns out, 603 01:06:42,975 --> 01:06:45,308 just about everyone in my life wants to kill me. 604 01:06:46,350 --> 01:06:48,725 But nobody's got enough money to pay for it. 605 01:06:50,558 --> 01:06:52,891 I even thought at one point that it was me 606 01:06:54,058 --> 01:06:57,433 that actually kidnapped myself to be killed. 607 01:06:57,891 --> 01:06:59,933 Like I was in some Star Wars fantasy. 608 01:07:00,308 --> 01:07:03,683 And I'm Luke Skywalker, and I cut open that helmet of Darth Vader. 609 01:07:03,850 --> 01:07:05,100 And it's me inside. 610 01:07:05,641 --> 01:07:07,725 No, none of the Freudian bullshit. 611 01:07:08,600 --> 01:07:10,600 All right. It wasn't me. 612 01:07:11,683 --> 01:07:17,600 So this tenacious turd who wanted me dead, just would not flush. 613 01:07:18,350 --> 01:07:20,850 I kept on getting phone calls and text messages. 614 01:07:21,475 --> 01:07:24,975 Oh, you're gonna die soon? Oh, the clock is ticking. 615 01:07:25,266 --> 01:07:28,641 Oh, any minute now. And you know what? 616 01:07:29,016 --> 01:07:29,558 Nothing. 617 01:07:30,600 --> 01:07:31,391 All right. 618 01:07:31,641 --> 01:07:35,475 And then my brother graciously allows me to come on to his show, 619 01:07:35,933 --> 01:07:38,016 to tag on a little bit at the end. 620 01:07:38,350 --> 01:07:42,266 So I can do the one thing that I love before possibly dying, 621 01:07:42,266 --> 01:07:45,391 talking to all of you and hopefully making you laugh along the way. 622 01:07:45,766 --> 01:07:47,350 I could still die at any minute. 623 01:07:47,933 --> 01:07:50,558 He could still be one of you that stands up to try to kill me. 624 01:07:51,266 --> 01:07:52,558 Seriously, this is your last shot. 625 01:07:54,558 --> 01:07:57,641 Last time you can kill me in front of people and make a good spectacle. 626 01:07:59,475 --> 01:08:01,558 I’ll probably bleed a lot. I'm big. 627 01:08:02,475 --> 01:08:02,975 No? 628 01:08:04,641 --> 01:08:04,975 All right. 629 01:08:06,516 --> 01:08:07,433 This is your last chance. 630 01:08:13,891 --> 01:08:14,475 All right. 631 01:08:16,558 --> 01:08:21,100 Well, I've decided now that I think that life should be lived, 632 01:08:21,891 --> 01:08:23,058 until the mic drops. 633 01:09:20,558 --> 01:09:21,225 Dave, 634 01:09:22,516 --> 01:09:23,016 Thank you. 635 01:09:24,225 --> 01:09:25,808 Thank you for sharing the stage with me 636 01:09:27,391 --> 01:09:29,683 To be able to perform for all those people 637 01:09:30,391 --> 01:09:31,558 side by side with you. 638 01:09:32,350 --> 01:09:35,683 Instead of comparing dick sizes like we always do. Of who's better? 639 01:09:37,183 --> 01:09:38,266 That was really something. 640 01:09:41,183 --> 01:09:41,600 Still, 641 01:09:42,475 --> 01:09:44,600 every time I hear a car backfire. 642 01:09:45,725 --> 01:09:47,183 Every time I turn a corner. 643 01:09:48,225 --> 01:09:50,266 I think that's the shot that's going to get me. 644 01:09:51,766 --> 01:09:55,141 I can't shake the feeling that somebody is going to kill me. 645 01:09:56,975 --> 01:09:59,683 You know, I finally feel like I can be in control. 646 01:10:00,975 --> 01:10:02,641 The only way I can be in control 647 01:10:03,433 --> 01:10:05,308 is to take matters into my own hands. 648 01:10:07,183 --> 01:10:09,350 Know that I'm thankful for you. 649 01:10:10,933 --> 01:10:12,433 Your brother always. 650 01:10:32,558 --> 01:10:33,933 My dad gave me this jar 651 01:10:37,391 --> 01:10:38,850 With fake fireflies in it. 652 01:10:39,975 --> 01:10:42,183 And he told me when he came back. 653 01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:45,475 The fireflies would turn blue. 654 01:10:48,266 --> 01:10:51,266 I should have known It's just a dollar store piece of shit. 655 01:10:51,266 --> 01:10:53,766 It's not.. you know ,my dad wasn't magic. 656 01:10:56,725 --> 01:10:57,725 He never came back. 657 01:11:11,391 --> 01:11:15,516 Now, I find myself looking into a blue bottle. 658 01:11:52,741 --> 01:11:55,325 Listening to their cars go by over the bridge. 659 01:11:56,516 --> 01:11:57,891 They could die at any minute. 660 01:11:58,975 --> 01:12:00,933 They could die today right now. 661 01:12:01,891 --> 01:12:02,850 The bridge could blow up, 662 01:12:04,183 --> 01:12:05,600 They could drive off the edge. 663 01:12:07,225 --> 01:12:08,933 Eventually, the whole world's gonna die anyway. 664 01:12:10,016 --> 01:12:12,891 How can they go through their lives so carefree? 665 01:12:13,850 --> 01:12:15,308 And I have to be miserable 666 01:12:16,183 --> 01:12:18,058 Thinking that I might die any minute. 667 01:12:21,308 --> 01:12:22,641 Well, I won't have to think about it. 668 01:12:23,558 --> 01:12:25,933 If I just make the decision for myself, 669 01:12:27,350 --> 01:12:29,100 never have to think about it again. 670 01:14:42,933 --> 01:14:44,391 Oh shit, not again! 671 01:14:54,433 --> 01:14:57,558 Sometimes I think about the best way possible to die. 672 01:14:58,558 --> 01:15:01,683 As long as you don't see it coming. I think that would be the best. 673 01:15:02,975 --> 01:15:08,016 I mean, ideally, falling asleep. And when you're asleep, that's when you die. 674 01:15:08,391 --> 01:15:09,641 That would be the best. 675 01:15:11,016 --> 01:15:12,100 I know what I've done. 676 01:15:13,058 --> 01:15:14,808 There's been highs, there's been lows. 677 01:15:15,641 --> 01:15:17,225 I had a lot of fun in the high. 678 01:15:19,058 --> 01:15:20,225 I don't need to see it again. 679 01:15:22,183 --> 01:15:22,975 It is what it is. 680 01:16:17,783 --> 01:16:19,908 I now pronounce you man and wife. 681 01:16:20,911 --> 01:16:22,200 You may kiss your bride.