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Hey, everybody.
Welcome to the third Funny Women of a Certain Age Special.
A lot of people have been asking,
"How come it took so long
between the second and the third special?
Was it the pandemic?" No!
It took forever to find five women in Los Angeles who would
admit to being over 50.
Carole.
You did not tell me I had to admit my age.
[audience cheering]
Suddenly you've ripped out the rug of mother identity.
Now who the fuck am I?
You really do get forced to reinvent yourself,
I think, or die.
Here's the deal, you know, you've, you, you are....
-Old. -[laughs]
One of the things I love about getting older
is that I have really learned how to say the word, "No."
Like, do I want to do that gig for no money? No.
And they lie to us and tell us,
"Well, if you lose 12 pounds, you'll feel young."
No, you won't, you'll just be a lighter old broad.
What do you think about aging in this business?
It's better than death. [laughs]
When I started stand up,
I was talking to my mom one day on the phone.
I said, "How come you never came to see?
Daddy and you never came to see me at the beginning?"
And she says, "Your father thought you were going to bomb."
[both laughing]
[audience cheering]
We're doing number three. Yeah!
[audience cheering]
Okay, before I start, I just have to...
I'm 63 years old, I still have to use a fucking condom.
[audience laughs]
How great is this looking at all you beautiful people?
Look, we're not social distancing anymore. Yes!
[audience cheering]
Just one thing. One thing about social distancing.
This is for the ladies.
Did you notice that men never
really got the hang of social distancing?
Do you agree with me? Right?
Not before. Not during. Certainly not afterwards.
I, I think it's because they never figured out six inches.
How the hell are they figuring out six feet?
[audience laughs]
Ah, that was a dick joke, if you're keeping score.
[audience laughs]
And it's, it's, it's such a weird time
because people don't know how to act in public anymore.
Right?
'Cause I don't know about out here,
but like I'm from New York, right,
so in New York, in April, they,
this is what they said, "Lockdown's over."
And that was it. They didn't say anything else.
And nobody knew what was happening.
So it was like when Dorothy lands in the Wizard of Oz
and the Munchkins pop out.
[audience laughs]
"Can we drink now?
Can we fuck? What can we do?"
[audience laughs]
Because most of you did the same things I did, right?
You spent the most of 2020 in your underwear.
[audience laughs]
Don't fucking lie to me, people.
[audience laughs]
I decided, okay, right,
we're free now, the stores are open,
I'm going to go get some new clothes.
Ladies.
Did you see what the designers thought we wanted to wear?
You know what I'm talking about? Who said it? Right?
The Prairie dresses!
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
The men have no idea what we're
fucking talking about right now, okay?
That would be if they gave you, like you, sir,
like, if you wore a jockstrap with a fucking bow,
that's what that would mean.
Okay? You understand?
Look at him. I like that. Okay.
So anyway...
So for the people who don't know,
it's a potato sack
with ruffles...
and a turtleneck.
How much weight did they think
we fucking gained during the pandemic?
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
And just because we bake bread during it,
doesn't mean we want to look like a fucking pioneer woman.
All right?
[audience applauds]
What are they going to come up with next? Right?
Like what are they going to come up with for the next thing?
Right? Like Chanel
for the Amish in you.
[audience laughs]
I'm hoping to get a Chanel bag from this.
I'm just hoping that I mentioned it
and they will send me one.
Okay, so...
I was one of the first people to be vaccinated
because I am 63 years old, and I'm a senior citizen.
[audience cheers]
This is the only time in history
where old people were treated well.
Yeah, now we can go back
to being invisible and overqualified.
And I still don't get why they chose,
why did they make the seniors,
why did they give it to us first?
I think I figured it out.
I think somebody in charge was like...
"Well, if the vaccine doesn't work...
[audience laughs]
...they had a good run."
[audience laughs]
So I talk about my age, you know, a lot in my act,
because until like I said, I'm 63 years old.
And until you're older you don't realize
that ageism really does exist.
And the older women know what I'm talking about.
Right? Right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Because honestly, if I had to choose right now
between ageism or sexism, I would take a pat on the ass
because it meant somebody fucking noticed me.
[audience laughs]
Right?
[audience applauds]
Now when I was a young girl
and I used to walk by a construction site,
I would hate it. Don't you hate that?
It used to offend me so much.
What I would give for a fucking whistle right now.
[audience laughs]
I can walk past a construction site right now, naked.
You know what I'm going to hear?
"Uh, lady, your nipples are getting bloody
from scraping on the sidewalk."
[audience laughs]
But it's, you know,
people think ageism is a female thing and it's not it.
I mean, it's all genders, it's all industries.
Like you, young man.
My, my little bow guy. How old are you?
51 years old.
Now you will not experience ageism
until you're in your 70s.
Women, 15.
[audience laughs]
You know what the only industry that doesn't have ageism?
Porn.
I know you're all looking at me like,
"Why does the old leech know this?"
Okay, let me explain.
I have a good friend of mine.
She's a young lady. She's a porn star.
And we were having dinner one night.
And I said to her, "When do you retire?
Do you have a retirement age?"
And she says to me, "Carole, you're 63.
You could do porn. There's a kink for everyone."
[audience laughs]
Still not sure if that was a compliment or an insult, people.
I have to be honest.
But then I got excited.
I could do porn. I could do porn!
[audience cheering]
I finally have that fallback career
my parents always wanted me to have.
But then I was thinking like,
what, what, what, what, what genre would I do?
You know? 'Cause there's different genres in porn.
Did you know that? Yeah, yeah.
Like, do they have like a Marvel Universe?
[audience laughs]
They have Iron Man. I could be Iron Supplement.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
So my girlfriend tells me a list
of all the different genres.
I have to be honest.
The only one that stood out and this is a real thing,
was a thing called humiliation porn.
Swear to God, this is a real thing, right?
You know what I love, I love doing this bit.
'Cause I love looking at the men and they're like,
"I don't even know what porn is."
[audience laughs]
Okay. So this is a real thing.
It's when a woman
screams at a man
for 90 minutes until he comes.
[audience laughs]
Now most of you don't know me very well,
but this is the perfect genre for me.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
I get to yell at somebody.
I don't have to get naked.
And I get paid? Sign me the fuck up!
I can't wait for the first day on the set.
[audience laughs]
"Action!"
"You call that a dick?"
[audience laughs]
Wow. That was really fast.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
I think we have 88 more minutes.
What are we going to do? You want to play cards?
I don't know what we're gonna do.
[audience laughs]
So then my girlfriend says to me, she says,
"Carole, maybe not do hardcore right away.
Try something else. Maybe an OnlyFans site."
You know that OnlyFans, right?
Once again, the men.
[audience laughs]
So you pay monthly, you pay monthly for private content.
And I thought this is a great way to do it from home, right?
Because I don't really want to have to compete with like
young women with their perky tits,
because these are not perky tits,
these are, these are droopy tits.
And whether or not you're wondering
if there was a market for droopy tits...
remember, there's a kink for everyone.
[audience claps]
So this is what my OnlyFans is.
Okay.
I take these tits, right,
and I try to squeeze them into a training bra.
[audience laughs]
In slow motion.
[audience laughs]
Ready? Okay, here it is.
[audience laughs]
I got you hard right now, didn't I?
[audience laughs]
That one was free. You pay next month.
[audience laughs]
So now I have to tell my son what I'm doing.
I have a grown son.
So I call my son up and I say,
"Honey, I just want you to know,
Mom has an OnlyFans site."
And he goes, "I know, my friends told me about it.
[audience laughs]
They would like an autographed training bra."
[audience laughs]
So now I have merch.
[audience laughs]
[audience claps]
And I think I speak for all of you
this past year and everything.
The worst part of lockdown for me was not seeing my son
and not seeing our families.
Do you agree with me on this?
Yes. Yeah.
And I didn't see my son for like three--
Those first three months in New York City,
I did not see him, okay?
So finally, after three months I call him up and I'm like,
"Honey, I have to come see you.
I'm going to rent a car
and I'm going to bring you supplies."
By the way, I live in Manhattan. He lives in Brooklyn.
It's not that fucking far, okay? 'Cause you know, all right.
I said, "The only thing is, Dave,
is that I'm going to have to use your bathroom.
I'm going to go have to pee because I'm an old woman."
I, you know, because you know, I'm an old woman, okay?
I pee all-- I'm peeing right now.
[audience laughs]
Don't fucking look! Stop looking!
[audience laughs]
My son says to me, "Mom, we're,
my roommates and I, we're in a quarantine bubble.
You will not be able to use my bathroom."
[audience laughs]
What? Exactly.
I was like, "Whoa, okay, so let me get this straight.
I, I carried you for nine months.
[audience laughs]
You peed in me.
[audience laughs]
And I can't use your...? All right."
I didn't go. I was so mad at him, right?
So over the summer restrictions were a little bit lifted.
He calls me because, "Mom, I spoke to my roommates.
Please come visit. Please bring supplies.
You can use my bathroom."
So I went and I got the car.
And when I got up to his apartment,
I peed right on his fucking kitchen floor.
[audience laughs]
And then I filmed it for my OnlyFans site.
[audience laughs]
Thank you so much. You've been great.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
[audience cheering]
[audience applauds]
I never thought of myself as a female comic.
I just thought of myself as a comic.
I don't think you had to deal with a lot of the bullshit.
I think everyone just,
she came out of the fucking gate respected.
So what, why do you think that is?
My jokes?
[both laughing]
[audience cheering]
Wow, thank you.
Somebody just hugged me so hard backstage,
I can skip my next mammogram.
[audience laughs]
They also said I was dressed like a realtor.
I don't know.
[audience laughs]
I don't have a lot of clothes,
but I have two sets of everything
because my weight fluctuates.
So like I have a little black dress with spaghetti straps
and then a larger black dress with lasagna straps.
[audience laughs]
It smells good in here. Can you smell my perfume?
[audience laughs]
It's channel five.
[audience laughs]
I got it at the dollar store.
So during the pandemic
I developed something called Amazon-nesia.
[audience laughs]
And that's when you get a box and you're like,
"What did I order?"
[audience laughs]
And then I'm like, "I don't remember ordering that."
Evidently one night I bought six coffee table books
about minimalism.
[audience laughs]
I'm already minimal, I don't even have a coffee table.
[audience laughs]
But I'm minimal because somebody gave me a book,
people give me books,
called "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up."
My housekeeper gave it to me.
[audience laughs]
Basically it says, get rid of everything in your house
that doesn't bring you joy.
So, I immediately got rid of the book.
[audience laughs]
But then it made sense.
'Cause you know what you like.
And it was just about being honest with myself
about what I liked.
So I got rid of so much stuff, of my husband's.
[audience laughs]
Comic books, baseball cards, you know, junk.
[audience laughs]
I kept all my books though.
My mom gave me a book called,
oh, it's fiction...
"The Joy of Cooking."
[audience laughs]
I am not a good cook.
Even my dogs are like, "We'll eat out tonight."
[audience laughs]
My food has a before taste.
So um...
[audience laughs]
I didn't know how that one was gonna go.
[audience laughs]
Someone gave me a book called
"The Power of Silence."
[audience laughs]
My husband gave it to me.
[audience laughs]
My husband is the funniest human.
He sexted me recently, you know,
sent me a picture to turn me on, you know?
It was a picture of him emptying the dishwasher.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
Oh, I see some of my friends!
At my age, that's what it's all about, right?
Being able to see.
[audience laughs]
No, but I've always,
growing up I had these thick Coke bottle glasses,
but they were the knockoff kinds.
They were RC Cola.
[audience laughs]
Now everything outside of my car is in my blind spot.
And even my hindsight isn't 2020.
[audience laughs]
But at this point, I can see what's important.
Cash.
[audience laughs]
No, friends. Friends and family.
And spending cash...
[audience laughs]
...time with them, I meant.
And health is important.
Health is, you know, if you have your health, right?
I have to go to my doctor soon.
'Cause I've been feeling attracted to him.
[audience laughs]
I'm married, but before I was married, I dated a doctor.
He was one of those doctors without boundaries.
[audience laughs]
Health, health, eating healthier.
I've been eating healthier.
I have to say, when I eat healthier,
I feel so much hungrier.
[audience laughs]
But we've been eating fish.
My favorite are Goldfish pretzels.
Those are...
Yeah. So my dogs keep me healthy.
Pets keep me healthy. Or keep you healthy.
They're important. We have two Jindos.
That's the breed. We rescued them.
I saw a Cockapoo in Beverly Hills
wearing Crest White Strips and skinny black jeans.
[audience laughs]
There should be a clothing store for dogs
called Forever Three.
[audience member laughs]
'Cause in dog years...
Thank you. One gentleman.
[audience laughs]
When we rescued our dogs, the people told us
that they were four years old.
And then the vet said, based on their teeth,
they were at least eight.
And I'm like, wow.
In Los Angeles, they even lie about how old their dogs are.
So I am 56.
I turned 56 in February.
[audience applauds]
Thank you!
And since then, I forget everything.
Like that I'm 60.
[audience laughs]
Now when a guy is staring at my breasts, I'm like,
"Hey buddy, they're down there actually."
[audience laughs]
I am old enough to remember when you could smoke on a plane.
I mean, you can still do it now,
but they fine you $2,200, I found out.
[audience laughs]
I am 60 years old.
[audience applauds]
The only thing I mind is that,
other than that society thinks that, you know,
I'm not important and my life is over,
and I feel like I'm just starting my second act
as a librarian in Maine.
The only thing I mind is that I started getting
an old ladies clothing catalog that I didn't subscribe to.
And it upset me. That I love the tunics.
[audience laughs]
They're reversible!
[audience laughs]
But fuck it. I'm 60.
[audience laughs]
That's my new mantra.
I will buy Crepe Erase and a walk-in tub,
and the pickleball racket and compression socks,
and a case of Ensure, and one of those HurryCanes,
and a statement necklace from Chico's.
[audience laughs]
Fuck it. I'm 60.
[audience laughs]
And I'm not apologizing anymore.
I love myself now.
Well, I, I can stand myself.
35 years of therapy later.
You know what?
I still wish I didn't procrastinate as much.
Like I just did the ice bucket challenge.
[audience laughs]
And I wish I could fall asleep better.
'Cause, like once I'm asleep, I could sleep through anything.
Like I once slept through college.
But it, it's hard for me.
It takes me a long time to fall asleep.
'Cause I'm always worried.
I'm worried about like nuclear war
and did I buy too many forever stamps?
[audience laughs]
And then I wonder silly things.
Like why does my raincoat say "dry clean only."
[audience laughs]
Who builds the Ikea stores?
[audience laughs]
Why isn't there an 82 cent store for women,
since that's what we make on the dollar?
[audience cheering]
And isn't cobbler just fucked up pie?
[audience laughs]
But I can stand myself.
I can stand myself and I'll leave you with this.
I-- a couple of years ago, I was hit by a car.
I know, I was walking on my treadmill.
[audience laughs]
No, I was crossing the street.
I was hit by a car. I woke up.
I didn't know where I was.
I knew I wasn't at home because somebody was vacuuming and...
...wasn't me.
[audience laughs]
And I was in the hospital.
I had one broken leg and two broken feet
and it took me a long time to heal.
But I couldn't have done it without
my friends and family keeping me laughing.
And I realized life is so fragile
and I should switch to Geico.
[audience laughs]
The guy had a great policy.
Thank you so much for listening to me.
[audience cheering]
[audience applauds]
I feel like people aren't honest
with what getting older is about.
There is a moment where you go from the day that you walk
into Starbucks and somebody opens the door for you.
[laughs]
And then they might even say,
"Oh, let me buy you your coffee,"
to like the next day you are fucking invisible
and no one will ever buy you free coffee ever, ever again.
Let alone a martini.
[laughs]
[audience cheering]
Hi, thank you so much!
Wow!
Boy! Thank you so much!
Well, I am so excited to be here tonight.
Part of this show, Funny Women of a Certain Age.
I figure in 10 or 15 years,
I'm really going to need their advice.
[audience laughs]
I was kind of offended at first.
You know, like when AARP started sending me stuff.
[audience laughs]
They sent a tote, like it was filled with coupons to Denny's
and LensCrafters.
[audience laughs]
Like I want to advertise my age by carrying around some
cheap canvas bag with a giant AARP logo.
[audience laughs]
I mean, it might as well say,
"Aging Arthritic Repulsive Person."
[audience laughs]
On a scale of one to varicose veins...
I think I'm doing all right for 36 plus 20.
I'm 56.
[audience cheering]
Thank you.
I don't know if you're clapping
because I can still wear heels
or because you've never seen an actress do math.
[audience laughs]
Confidence can be elusive as we age.
You know, part of us is wise enough
to just not take any more shit.
And part of us looks in the mirror while putting on makeup
and wonders, "Why bother?"
[audience laughs]
Because middle-age makeup is a full-on craft project.
[audience laughs]
Scrape, spackle, sand, patch, fill,
tape, lift, coat, smooth, spray,
yeah, and then you can put on lipstick.
[audience laughs]
I used to buy my makeup at Sephora.
Now I get it in bulk at Michael's.
[audience laughs]
No, it's basically papier-mache on my face right now.
You could feel it.
[audience laughs]
Well, you might remember me from an episode of Seinfeld
that I did that had a very famous tagline.
[audience cheering]
They're real and they're spectacular.
I mean, now they're still real.
And I would argue still spectacular,
if you're attracted to tube socks filled with sand,
hanging from a scarecrow.
[audience laughs]
But you know, hardly any of us are real anymore.
I mean, just look at Instagram.
Like we all are filled with fake boobs and fake butts.
Fake teeth.
Like we're so fake that when we do finally
end up in a casket, we probably won't even rot.
[audience laughs]
Or hundreds of years from now,
they'll be digging up little sparkling veneers
and deflated plastic sacks, wondering,
"Was this a cemetery or a Party City?"
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
Aging while female is not for the faint of heart.
I mean, wine of a certain age is considered rare,
and grapes of a certain age are considered raisins,
and women of a certain age are not considered
in Hollywood at all.
Cheers.
[audience claps]
I have three 18-year-old cats,
one 12-year-old dog, and a car from 1978.
We're all just waiting around to see who dies first.
[audience laughs]
I was one of those folks that rescued a dog during COVID.
Yeah, mine came with poor eyesight and a collapsed anus.
[audience] Ooh.
Yeah. But so did I.
[audience laughs]
Yeah. Now I can barely read my texts anymore.
I mean, most people hear 69 and think sex.
I think font size.
[audience laughs]
And I have got to be the only actress in Hollywood
who actually had plastic surgery on my butthole,
instead of my face.
[audience laughs]
Anal fissures brought on by pregnancy.
No, don't feel sorry for me.
My asshole just made Maxim's Hot 100.
[audience cheering]
All of this to say, I've become a cliche.
An old lady with too many cats, who's also single.
[audience cheering]
Living alone, I guess it, you know,
it really hasn't been easy on me or my sex life.
Although, it's not like it took a pandemic
for my vagina to be on lockdown.
[audience laughs]
No, even my Alexa knows that I'm in a dry spell.
She's heard me so often complain
about having no sex in a long time.
That once I said, "Alexa, what's the time?"
And she said, "It has been a long time.
[audience laughs]
It was so long ago that iPhones had a charging port
and a headphone jack.
[audience laughs]
Yes, even the iPhones' holes were being
more occupied than yours."
[audience laughs]
Some would call that Alexa spying,
but I call it finally getting some goddamn attention.
[audience laughs]
Now for my birthday, she sent me chocolates
and a 10 speed dildo.
[audience laughs]
With batteries!
[audience laughs]
[audience member whistles]
I will admit to you that I am indeed on a dating app.
[audience applauds]
Well and, not just one.
I'm on Raya, Elite Singles, and Bumble,
and Celebrities Who Once Fucked James Bond,
MacGyver and Superman, But Can't Find a Date
So Have Been Single for Years.com.
[audience laughs]
But I do worry that if you don't use it,
you lose it.
That's what they say.
I know that applies to my brain and my biceps.
I'm wondering if it includes my clitoris.
Has my vagina gotten old, like the rest of me?
[audience laughs]
Does it meet Botox or fillers?
It definitely needs filling.
[audience laughs]
How dry is it?
Could we hold Burning Man in there next year?
[audience laughs]
These were questions I needed answered.
I needed my gynecologist to go down on me.
[audience laughs]
So I'm in his office
and I'm lying there with my legs up in the stirrups
and he's rooting around.
And I finally get up the nerve to ask him,
"Uh, doctor, does it look like a guy
would have a good time in there?"
[audience laughs]
He peeked his head up over the sheet
that was covering my lap.
And he said, "Teri, you have a totally average vagina."
[audience laughs]
Well, does he mean average,
like 49% of women have better vaginas
and 49% of women have worse vaginas?
Or does he mean average like a C,
because I'm not a C student,
and I certainly don't intend to start with my vagina.
[audience laughs]
Like, he said he meant it like it was
just perfectly, normally, functionally fine.
And I'm, you know, I'm an honest gal.
So that is how I introduce myself now.
Hi, I'm Teri. I have a totally average vagina.
[audience laughs]
Even my mother, my 86 year old mother,
called me the other day, so excited.
"Teri, your father and I have met the most amazing man.
He's single. He used to be a pilot and he speaks Russian."
[audience laughs]
So then she said to me four words
that made me consider legally emancipating myself,
even though I'm in my 50s.
[audience laughs]
"Here, talk to him."
[audience] Ooh!
Oh yeah.
So, right, you can, you can picture,
you can picture me going, "Uh, no, no, no, no Mom, no.
What are you doing? Mom, Mom, don't hand the phone!
Please don't hand the phone to..."
"Hello, Teri. This is Pete,"
or whatever the fuck he said.
I don't remember because my head was spinning.
My heart was pounding. My palms were sweaty.
I felt like I was somewhere between a stroke
and a grizzly attack.
I squeaked out an awkward, "Hello."
"Teri Hatcher," he said, "This is so cool!
Your mom's told me all about you!"
Okay. So let's recap.
I am talking to a total stranger.
He knows exactly who I am.
Exactly what I look like.
He could have even masturbated to me
at some point in his life.
It's true. I've been around a long time.
[audience laughs]
I said, "Pete, I'm sure you can appreciate
that this has caught me a little off guard.
How exactly did you meet my mom?"
"Oh, we just bumped into each other in Costco."
[audience laughs]
Oh my God.
Is my mom just strolling down the aisles of Costco,
like telling everyone that her world famous daughter
is so pathetically in need of a date
that she'll just hand out my number to any man
without a wedding ring.
I hear my mom in the background, yelling,
"Speak Russian to her!"
I mean the only thing Russian I want right now
is a case of vodka.
[audience laughs]
I said, "Pete, could you put my mom back on the phone?"
She told me she was texting me a picture.
I got the picture.
Actually, Pete was kind of cute.
[audience laughs]
But then I looked closer.
I zoomed in on the photo
and I could see that he was wearing
a Costco name tag.
[audience laughs]
Oh, my whole career, tabloids have made me
a headline of some kind, sometimes on a red carpet,
pumping gas, but lately,
lately, now the headline is,
"Have You Seen Her Lately?"
Wow. She's really aged.
[audience] Ooh.
What happened to her?
Really?
Yeah. Well, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you what happened to me.
I got married. I got divorced.
I had a hit TV show. I did some movies.
I got married again. I grew a baby inside me.
I moved to New York. I took a toddler on the subway.
I got divorced again. I had another hit TV show.
I won some awards. I raised money for charities.
I went to cooking school.
I won Chopped and The Great British Bake-Off.
I ran two marathons. I parented a beautiful human.
I cared for aging parents. I took care of friends.
Friends took care of me.
I taught myself to play piano
and I survived celibacy for a fucking year
alone in a pandemic.
[audience cheering]
So, yeah, life.
That's what happened to me.
Thank you guys so much!
You have been way more than average!
[audience cheering]
Good night!
[audience applauds]
When you get onstage,
it doesn't matter who the hell you're following, you own it.
You own that stage.
I got to tell you, I've walked into clubs
and you know, it's, they'll still look at the guide
and go, "Are you the headliner," looking at the feature!
And I'm like, "I'm your headliner."
And then I prove it.
[hands smacking]
[audience cheering]
Whoo!
I'm loving this.
Can I share something with y'all?
I went to my doctor last week
and he said no caffeine,
no fatty foods,
no alcohol.
I said, no copay.
[audience laughs]
Not paying to hear heresy, sir.
[audience laughs]
I really just wanted to do this the easy way.
Right? I wanted to get some Botox, some liposuction.
But what's in the budget is self-acceptance.
[audience laughs]
So, you know, I, I went shopping,
just to buy a couple of things that, that fit
and I, I forgot how frustrating that is.
Right?
Like I still, I still don't understand
why women's clothes start at size zero.
You're not a size zero, if people can see you.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
It doesn't help that I'm, I'm at that awkward age right now
where police officers are starting to look really young.
[audience laughs]
Y'all, I saw one little cop the other day.
[audience laughs]
He looked so young I thought he was trick or treating.
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Hey, little boy, you want some candy?"
[audience laughs]
I got arrested.
[audience laughs]
But you know, it's hard to tell how old somebody is
just by looking at them, right?
Like, like for old people,
everybody younger than them is a millennial.
[audience laughs]
For young people,
everybody older than them fought in the Civil War.
[audience laughs]
For me, any Black dude over 70 is a Tuskegee Airman.
[audience laughs]
Like whenever I see one I'm like,
"Oh my God, thank you for your service!"
[audience laughs]
You know, I'm learning that,
that we don't age all at once, right?
Different body parts age faster than others, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Like my taste buds? Still tasting.
[audience laughs]
My colon?
[audience laughs]
Not a team player.
[audience laughs]
But different parts of the body
age faster than others, right?
Like my heart?
Still young.
My knees?
Ooh! Hoo-hoo!
Apparently my knees walked to freedom with Harriet Tubman.
[audience laughs]
Y'all, I call my knees the Middle East.
Because no matter what I do, there's no peace.
[audience laughs]
My, my doctor, my doctor told me to take Osteo Bi-Flex.
And it works, right?
Like I don't hear my knees cracking anymore, right?
But now I'm afraid that's 'cause I'm losing my hearing.
[audience laughs]
But I will, I will admit to you guys
that age is a touchy subject for me, right?
'Cause there's a, there's a TV show called Younger, right?
Where in order to find and keep a job,
a white woman in her 40s
pretends to be in her 20s.
Because white women age so well?
[audience laughs]
See, I don't understand how the star of that show
is not a Black woman.
Aging well is what we do.
[audience cheering]
I mean, c'mon. Angela Bassett is 209.
[audience laughs]
I'm 87!
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
Actually, you know what?
I was, I was taught that it's impolite
to ask a woman her age, right?
But it happens.
So now whenever a man asks me how old I am,
I ask him if he's good in bed.
[audience laughs]
See, that way we both know we're about to lie.
[audience laughs]
You know what, how about, how about this?
How about, because it really tells you nothing
substantive about who I am regarding age.
I just say I'm a seasoned woman.
[audience cheering]
Which basically means I'm delicious.
[audience laughs]
And I'm probably gonna raise your blood pressure.
[audience laughs]
Real talk though. Real talk.
I don't, I don't like sharing my age
because I feel like it gives people another way
to discriminate against me. Right?
Like I got the hang of racism and sexism, I got that.
Now you throw in ageism, now I'm Trinity in the Matrix.
[audience laughs]
And I just took the red pill, right?
I mean, one of my biggest fears is
that I will be brutally murdered.
It will make the news. And they will say my age.
Leighann Lord, 87.
[audience laughs]
So it's not bad enough that I'm dead.
But now the whole world knows
that I am four score and seven.
Thank you, Anderson Cooper.
[audience laughs]
That's a lot of self-esteem, right?
To think that my murder will make CNN primetime?
Shout out to my vision board.
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
I got to tell y'all, according to my vision board,
tomorrow me is amazing.
All right, she gonna get up early.
She gon' eat right.
She gon' exercise
and be married to Jason Momoa.
[audience cheering]
And you know what?
If, if anyone in here doesn't know who Jason Momoa is,
let, let me fill that void in your life.
Jason Momoa is the actor who played Aquaman.
[audience cheers]
Yeah, yes, even the men are moist now.
[audience laughs]
I saw the movie and I was a little confused
because somebody told me that Aquaman had a plot.
[audience laughs]
I don't remember that.
[audience laughs]
I remember Jason Momoa came on screen,
two hours and 22 minutes later, I knew how to swim.
[audience laughs]
Now I, I really wasn't into the whole superhero thing
until I saw Black Panther.
[audience cheering]
Y'all, I saw Black Panther opening weekend.
And I had not seen that many happy Black people
in one place since election day, 2008.
[audience cheering]
The line, the line to get into the theater was so long.
I got excited.
I was like, are we voting? What?
One of my, one of my favorite lines from Black Panther is,
"Be silent, colonizer."
[audience] Ooh.
That's how I be getting through these Zoom meetings.
[audience laughs]
And that's how you teach critical race theory.
[audience laughs]
But my, my favorite superhero movie is Harriet.
Yes, the movie about Harriet Tubman.
Yes.
[audience claps]
And I'll tell you the part of the film that,
that really moved me, is when she escapes,
she's free, she goes back home
one year later to rescue her husband
and finds that he is already married to another woman.
Now to her credit, she took it well.
I did not.
[audience laughs]
Because I was like, if that had happened to Harriet Tubman,
that could happen to me.
I leave. I come back.
He's married. Talkin' 'bout,
"Baby, I didn't know where you went.
I didn't know how long you'd be gone."
Motherfucker, I went to work.
[audience laughs]
I left this morning.
[audience laughs]
I have to tell you guys,
I was incredibly thrilled
and honored to be invited to do this show.
[audience applauds]
Because women, we are, we are 52% of the population.
Right? But we only make 85 cents on the dollar.
That's why I don't feel bad about shoplifting.
[audience laughs]
Now Black women, we only make
65 cents on the dollar.
Right? Right.
So that means if I told a joke that you didn't like,
that's 'cause I only wrote 65% of it.
[audience laughs]
Now I know 65%, that doesn't sound too bad, right?
But in, in fairy tale terms,
that's Snow White and the Four and a Half Dwarfs.
[audience laughs]
That is insufficient.
I need a full set of Dwarfs.
Yes. One for each appendage.
Like Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Doc,
Sleepy, Sneezy... Bashful.
[audience laughs]
Stop crying, Bashful. You know what it is.
[audience laughs]
But I wanna, I want to ask y'all a question before I go.
By round of applause, round of applause,
how many of you here would agree that time is money?
Applaud if you believe time is money.
[audience applauds]
So then I have a proposal.
[audience laughs]
If they're not going to pay me all my money on the dollar,
then I have to take back my time, right?
So that 12-hour shift is now eight,
nine to five is nine to two,
and my weekend starts on Wednesday.
[audience applauds]
All those in favor, say aye.
[audience] Aye!
The ayes have it. The motion carries.
And the Senator from Wakanda reclaims her time.
Thank you. Good night.
[audience applauds]
[audience cheers]
So I'm in Dyersburg, Tennessee, at a place called Checkers.
And had advertised me as XXX.
So I got a guy in the front row and he just keeps saying,
"Are you ever taking your clothes off?"
Because he thought it was like comedy strip show
'cause of the XXX.
-Oh no. -Yeah.
And I just looked at him. I said, "Dude,"
I was much heavier, I said,
"If I spin around a pole, I'll strike oil,
ya dumb bastard."
[laughs]
[audience cheering]
Wow, thank you! What a great response!
I only know one way to respond to that.
[audience laughs]
Thank you!
Well, first of all, I'm delighted to be here.
I'm delighted to be out
because I've been locked up for 14 months with no wiener.
[audience laughs]
I've been alone in my house for 14 months.
It's been amazing.
In fact, I'm pretty sure my hymen's grown back.
[audience laughs]
Right before a lockdown, you know what I had?
The hang and bang. The hang and bang.
Dick, Netflix and some breakfast burritos.
That was it. Right?
'Cause I was dating little dudes.
So I gotta be honest with you, that you know,
when you date much younger people as a woman,
it's not fun.
Because for women, sex is mental.
You want to get into our bed, you got to get into our head.
You got to smell nice. You got to dress good.
You got to play good music.
Little dudes don't do that.
They don't, you know what they think they do?
They get manscaped. I don't want to see that.
All shaved down there like a little baby bird.
[imitates baby bird]
I don't want to see that.
I want to see a man, a real man.
You're a man.
I'm not flirting, but he's age appropriate.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
But I'm a woman of a certain age.
I want, you're in man pants.
You're in pants with a fly and a button.
You're not sitting there in jeggings.
A little moose knuckle. No, you're a grown-ass man.
They can fix shit. You got tools, don't you?
You got tools. Look at him.
He's like, yeah. I'm moist as a Bundt cake.
I'm not flirting, but that's so sexy.
Sexy!
I'm looking at you, little dude, not interested.
You know what I mean?
You're cute. You're cute.
You know what's good about dating a guy like him?
You don't have to break up with him, you don't.
You just stop buying groceries. You know what I mean?
They're like giant entitled raccoons.
Who needs that?
I want a real man.
I want to-- I think I dated young, strong, virile men
because I thought that that was accomplishment, success.
That you could protect me, but it's not.
I want spiritual success.
I want real accomplishment.
Saggy balls. I want saggy balls.
That's wisdom, my man.
It's like rings on a tree, baby.
[audience laughs]
I believe in like envisioning what you want,
deciding what you want.
I've given him a name. Larry.
You know with like a little Jew fro,
maybe like a bald spot in the back he covers with hairspray.
The universe loves specificity.
The Larr Bear.
He golfs. Maybe he's got a black Tesla.
You know what I mean?
You know those guys, those little wiry fucks.
You know those little wiry, hairy guys
that looked like they were like dipped in glue
and rolled in pubes.
You know those guys. I want that guy.
[audience laughs]
I've had a lot of time to think about this.
I've been alone 14 months.
I'm like a free range chicken.
I just let everything go.
My hair grew out. Fuck it.
That's what brown magic marker's for, I don't care.
Yeah. My little waxer.
I don't miss that little bitch.
Ripping my pubes out from the roots.
Fuck her. I'm not going back.
I look like I have Colin Kaepernick
in a thigh lock.
I'm not-- I don't care!
[audience laughs]
I don't care.
No, I'll take some scissors to it soon.
You know what I mean?
And then I'm going analog. I'm going BIC razor and Nair,
and who wears short shorts, but I'm not ready yet.
It was like feng shui.
If you build it, they will come.
You know what I mean? Like I'm not ready yet.
I'm gearing up for the Larr Bear.
[audience laughs]
I'm excited about-- I believe in this stuff.
I believe in manifesting.
And I've had a lot of time to CSI my life.
Yeah, I've been married and divorced three times.
Fuck it. I don't care.
There's no shame in my game.
It's better to be divorced
than plotting someone's death in their sleep, okay?
That's true. 'Cause the little dudes,
it's different because it's not fulfilling.
Because for women, like I said before,
sex is mental and we have different types of the Big O
and it's been so long since I've had like a big, Big O.
Am I embarrassing you?
[audience laughs]
No, because you don't,
you don't even know what I'm talking about.
[audience laughs]
That's why you're not embarrassed.
No, I thought about it. I thought about it.
Like, like men have one type of the Big O.
It's just like a sneeze,
like a delicious ahh-choo, like that.
[audience laughs]
I love the way women laugh.
Like, "Tell them, Monique, tell them!
Tell them!"
Women get dicky drunk. You know, women.
We do, we get dicky drunk.
We get, we get drunk from the wiener.
When you have,
when you have one Big O, you know,
first of all, you know how you know
that it was like the one big one?
She giggles when she's done.
She goes, "hee hee," like that.
[audience laughs]
And then we get out of bed and we like wobble.
Not just 'cause our knees are weak,
but because we're under the influence
of an entire experience of you trying to make us happy.
When we run into a door that's been there for ten years.
[audience laughs]
Someone with a lump on her head
right there in the front row.
Amen. Can I get a witness?
Yeah. Yeah!
That never happened with the little dudes.
Never happened with the little dudes.
And you can't train them. It takes too long.
[audience laughs]
And I tell my nieces this.
I have little nieces, little bitches.
I love them.
No, I love them.
But I call him that sometimes because they make me feel old.
My, my nieces, they come up to me.
They go, "Auntie Monique,
tell us what it was like in the 1900s."
[audience laughs]
Like it's fuckin' Downton Abbey and me,
you know what I mean?
But I want them to learn things
because it doesn't matter if it's a career
or even just a job, or a relationship, or sex,
whatever it is, we've lost our ability
to appreciate deferred gratification.
That we can't get what we want
in the exact second that we want it.
And life was sweeter when you had to wait for things.
I tell them about layaway.
They thought it was a dating app.
[audience laughs]
But I tell them things that they need to know how fortunate
they are to live in a world of miracles, you know?
They love my mom. They call her Abuelita.
They go, "Abuelita's so sweet.
"Abuelita bought me a device.
Abuelita did this. Abuelita did that."
I go, "You want me to tell you a secret about Abuelita?"
They're like, "Yeah."
I go, "She used to beat me in grocery stores."
[audience laughs]
I just like to throw them off. Remember that?
Remember when you could hit your kids?
My nieces have never been spanked.
They have no idea what it is
to take a beat down in the produce department.
[audience laughs]
Nobody takes pictures or calls CPS.
Hell no. They don't do that.
They join in in the beat down.
They're like, "I heard what that kid said.
That's a lippy little bitch. Hit her harder."
[audience laughs]
But I digress.
They love music. We love music.
We share a love of music.
They're so adorable because I'm trying
to make like a, like a mixtape,
like what they call them, a playlist.
Now it's a playlist.
Playlist, you know?
'Cause I like putting it out there to the universe
that I'm making a Larr Bear love tape.
It's hard. It's hard, 'cause all the people
that I used to like to hump to are dead.
[audience laughs]
It's true.
I got used to Marvin Gaye of course, but you know,
everybody went down, you know, Prince, Michael Jackson,
Donna Summer, Natalie Cole, it just keeps going.
George Michael, bam, bam, Luther Vandross, bam.
And my little nieces are like,
"Well you can, you can do it to Ed Sheeran."
No, you can't, he's a little redheaded Muppet.
I can't have sex to him.
[audience laughs]
Sexy. [laughs]
But we talk a lot about music. We do.
That's where we, you find the commonality.
You find the things you both love, you find touch points,
and then you can have real conversations with people.
And I find that my nieces and I,
we can always unite over music.
So I, I talked to them a lot
about how much it used to mean to me
to put together mixtapes.
And they're like, "How does that work?
We've heard of the mixtapes from the 1900s."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Well, well, little sweethearts.
We used to listen to music on a radio.
That's a box with two metal sticks sticking out."
And they know like download speeds and coverage and 5G.
I'm like, "Oh no, the radio didn't even work
in every room in the house."
[audience laughs]
You had to unplug it and move it around
and whatever room you left it there and turned it up loud.
And no matter what you were doing,
you would listen with half an ear.
And the DJ would say, "Coming up next,
Salisbury Hill by Peter Gabriel,"
and you would haul ass to your bedroom
and you would grab your Radio Shack recorder
and back it up to the speaker.
And then you would just wait,
hovering like a bird of prey with your two fingers.
[audience laughs]
Hoping the DJ would shut the fuck up.
Right now in my apartment in Hollyweird, California,
I have a box of mixtapes from '84 to '88.
And I say, Hollyweird, 'cause even though I've lived here
since 1996, I'm originally from Miami, Florida.
And by the way, I'm 100% Latina.
[audience cheers]
So if you have any stereotypes about Latinos, I know,
I know, I look like a middle-aged white woman
with good credit, but I'll shank a bitch, I don't care.
[audience laughs]
I will. If I have to.
But in my apartment in Hollywood,
I have a box of mixtapes and it's pretty amazing.
It brings back so many memories of making them.
But I have a 90-minute miracle I made in the summer of 1986.
That one really took some time.
And, and it starts with Jungle Love
by Steve Miller Band.
Yeah, that's a jam. That's a jam.
I met you on somebody's island
That's a line, "I met you on somebody's island."
That's some sexy shit!
[audience laughs]
What would the kids say now?
I swiped left and we hooked up at Pinkberry.
Like what kind of song is that?
[audience laughs]
"I met you on somebody's island.
I thought I had known you before."
That's sexy.
"I brought you a crate of papayas."
[audience laughs]
Have you ever had a papaya, little dude?
[audience laughs]
That's some delicious shit right there, delicious.
If you did that now, a girl be like, "Crate of papayas?
That's a creeper move.
You left me fruit on my front porch?
Ya freak.
Are they non-GMO papayas?
Organic?"
I hope I meet the Larr Bear
and he brings me a crate of papayas.
[audience laughs]
In his black Tesla.
I'm telling you I've got it down, I've got it down.
I can picture him. He's in a suit.
He's got on a shirt with some white chest hair sticking out.
You know what I mean? Like that.
[audience laughs]
It's true, I want a grown man in man pants
that's not manscaped.
When he drops trou, I want it to look like a buzzard
hanging out of his nest on a cliff wall.
[audience laughs]
You're picturing it right now.
[audience laughs]
But I'm going to leave you
with my three best pieces of advice.
After more than 50 years on this planet.
And I've really had a lot of time to think about it,
14 months all by myself.
And this is what it comes down to.
Number one, love hard.
Your heart is a muscle.
Even if you're loving the wrong person,
consider it cardio for your spirit.
[audience laughs]
I got news for you, you're never loving the wrong person.
You're just preparing for the righter person.
[audience cheers]
If anybody knows the Larr Bear,
you know, little Jew fro.
Number two, forgive harder, because when you forgive,
all your power comes back to you.
And one of the things about the 'Rona
was I had a lot of time to reconnect with people.
And I know some of them were thinking,
"Did she forget that we had that fight in high school?
Is she up to some ninja revenge?"
No, I forgot. Forgive harder.
All your power comes back to you.
And number three, if we've learned anything,
get as happy as you can as fast as you can.
It's nobody's job, but yours.
Thank you. Good night. Bless you.
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]
I mean, when I started,
they structured the show with a male headliner,
a host to MC, to open the show,
and a novelty act.
Ahh.
And the novelty act was either a juggler
or an impressionist or a woman.
Wow. We were considered novelty acts.
-How adorable. -Yeah.
I don't even know if it was conscious.
I just know that it happened.
Oh, wow.
[audience cheering]
Thank you.
Well, I guess that's my show.
Thank you. Good night.
Hi, my name is Marsha Warfield.
[audience cheering]
But you can call me Your Highness.
[audience laughs]
I'm so honored to be here with all my bitches.
[audience laughs]
Got my stable with me.
I am the senior member of this crew.
[audience cheering]
Yes I am.
I am the same age as Oprah Winfrey.
Yes I am. We were born a couple of years apart.
[audience laughs]
That's not true.
We were born a couple of months apart
in the year of Brown vs. The Board of Education.
So we grew up with the civil rights movement.
And it shapes your whole perspective.
It was on TV all the time.
It was part of dinnertime conversation.
It was in school. It was in church.
It was everywhere.
I still remember the slogans from back then.
Like, free at last.
We shall overcome.
Y'all gonna get us all killed.
[audience laughs]
Them white folks gon' be mad, you know.
[audience laughs]
But Oprah has famously said
that 60 is the new 30.
[audience cheering]
Oprah's a damn liar.
[audience laughs]
60's the same fucking 60 it's always been.
It's the number after 59. You can't get from 59 to 30.
That don't even make no fucking sense.
[audience laughs]
It makes you wonder,
how much money do you have to have
to get your own math?
[audience laughs]
And it don't even make-- people need to stop
with all that, "this is the new that."
They got 90-year-old people. 90 is the new 80.
Twelve is the new four, four is the new toddler.
What the fuck?
[audience laughs]
Orange is not the new black.
[audience cheering]
If it was, Donald Trump would be head of NAACP.
[audience roars]
But I wish I had Oprah math.
You would see me in the grocery store,
they'd be like, "That's $412."
And I'd be, "Uh-uh. Not by my math.
[audience laughs]
Way I figured you owe me $2.22.
[audience laughs]
But keep the change, I like you."
[audience laughs]
But that's power.
To be able to change the whole definition of old.
Come on, when me and Oprah were kids, 60 was old as fuck.
[audience laughs]
If somebody told you they was 60, you got sad.
[audience laughs]
You'd be like, "Aww!
But I like you."
[audience laughs]
And Oprah got 60, ain't nobody 60.
You ain't 60. Ain't nobody old.
That's amazing power.
I wish I had that kind of power.
Oprah got bread ain't got no calories.
[audience laughs]
You remember when she was talking about,
"I eat bread every day. Lost 22 pounds."
[audience laughs]
You's a damn liar. No you didn't.
[audience laughs]
I smell bread every day, gain 40.
[audience laughs]
I can gain 22 pounds looking at food.
[audience laughs]
And I was trying to lose weight
because we have this idea if we lose weight, we'll lose age.
You'll feel like a 22-year-old.
You's a damn liar! No I won't!
I'll just be a skinny-ass old person.
[audience laughs]
But when, you know, summer was coming,
you know, you get conditioned.
So if you start trying to lose weight
so you can have that summer body, you know?
And I was working real hard at it, I was.
And then one day,
when I was pulling some skin off some chicken...
[audience laughs]
...it dawned on me.
And I'm like, "Fuck."
[audience laughs]
They make bigger clothes.
[audience laughs]
So you should have seen me wrapping
that skin back around that chicken.
[audience laughs]
I got some bacon and some toothpicks.
I got some cheese. I fried that shit.
[audience laughs]
Because like every woman, I do have an inner skinny woman.
You know, we all have that inner skinny woman who nags us.
You know, I know I do because I ate her.
[audience laughs]
That bitch tried to get between me and the refrigerator...
on one of them midnight munchie runs.
I'm like, "Uh-uh, that's your ass."
[audience laughs]
But I've gotten to where I accept my weight
and I don't want to lose weight
because I'm old.
And if I'ma waste away to nothing,
I want it to take a long fucking time.
[audience cheering]
But as the senior member of this crew,
I have to tell you a couple of secrets.
One, your grandmother's a freak.
[audience laughs]
It's true. People think--
See, we're the generation that invented sex,
drugs, and rock and roll, okay?
Right?
And we are still sexing and drugging
and rocking and rolling.
It's just now we have to take drugs so we can sex
and rock and roll, but that's not the point.
[audience laughs]
People have this weird idea that old ladies,
just, just sit around, rocking,
thinking about cookie recipes for children.
Let me tell you something, your grandmother
could give a shit about your children and your cookies.
We don't care.
We taught you how to make cookies,
so you should have brought us some fucking cookies.
That's what you shoulda did.
[audience laughs]
And if I'm sitting around rocking,
I might be sitting on something.
[audience laughs]
Uh baby, don't pay no attention to that buzzing noise.
That's the refrigerator. [laughs]
It does that when it's full.
[audience laughs]
'Cause granny got a Magic Wand.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
Yeah. Looks like this.
[audience laughs]
She keeps it in her nightstand up under the night gowns
on her side of the bed.
You know what I'm talking about. You've seen it.
Get you one.
[audience laughs]
See, you young women, y'all invest all this money
on all these devices and stuff
that do all this kind of stuff.
You don't need that.
Get you a old fashioned Hitachi Magic Wand.
[audience laughs]
But don't get the one with the batteries.
You don't want that. That's annoying.
It's just wimpy, it's just... [Marsha purrs]
[audience laughs]
Get the one that plugs in the wall.
That's the one you need.
[imitates chainsaw pull start]
[audience laughs]
I will tell you another secret.
You have old people to thank for recreational marijuana.
[audience cheers]
That's right, 'cause we've been smoking reefer
since back when people was calling it smoking reefer.
[audience laughs]
And I'm gonna tell you something.
When your grandmother is sitting around rocking,
she's fucked up.
[audience laughs]
Old people still get high.
We be smoking, we like to get high and play games.
[audience laughs]
We like to go outside and get in the way.
[audience laughs]
Go around, you little shit.
I am gay. Thank you so much.
[audience cheers]
And I came out in my 60s.
[audience cheers]
Came out publicly.
You come out in stages, you know?
But I came out publicly in my 60s on Facebook.
[audience laughs]
'Cause that's what old people do, we fuck around on Facebook.
[audience laughs]
Facebook is the 21st century version
of sitting in the window, yelling at people.
[audience laughs]
Get off my page!
[audience laughs]
Take that shit on the other side of the Internet.
[audience laughs]
But growing up, I didn't know I was gay.
I just knew I was different.
That's what they told me. They said, "You're different."
Which means they fucking knew.
[audience laughs]
They didn't tell me.
Do you know how much pussy I didn't get?
[audience laughs]
They called me a tomboy,
but I wasn't a tomboy.
I was a baby dyke.
[audience laughs]
They should have let me be a baby dyke.
I would have been a lot happier.
But as I get older and now that I'm out and stuff,
I find myself new to the community.
I still don't know all the gay rules and stuff.
You know, I don't know even what to call myself.
I mean, you know, am I butch, stud,
femme, futch, butt, what the fuck?
[audience laughs]
Yes, I'm wearing a fedora.
You know, I have on sensible shoes.
But I'm wearing a bra and the panties, you know?
I am wearing a strap on, but that's not the point.
[audience laughs]
But like I said, it's hard coming out,
it's hard growing up.
And I found out just recently
that God is a Black woman.
[audience cheers]
She's tough. I've talked to her.
She told me to tell you she's pissed.
[audience laughs]
It's your fault.
But she also told me that the world needs to be mothered.
That we've been fathered long enough.
[audience cheers]
You know what fathers do.
They fuck mothers.
[audience laughs]
So we've been motherfucked for some...
[audience laughs]
But Carole's a national mom.
We need a national mom. We do.
Wherever we need somebody to just take over.
Just somebody, just walk into Congress and just stand there
and make everybody shut up and feel guilty.
Who did this?
[audience laughs]
No, don't be pointing at each other.
Ain't nobody leaving here till y'all clean this shit up.
And America, go to your room
and stay your ass in there till you learn how to vote.
[audience laughs]
Like I said, I don't know all, how to relate as a gay woman.
I don't know all of the rules
and what to call myself, you know?
I think people should call me what I am.
A lady snorkeler.
[audience laughs]
[Marsha gurgles]
[audience laughs]
Dive, baby, dive.
[audience laughs]
Thank you so much. Take care.
[audience cheers]
People think that comedy is so easy.
Oh yeah, it's a breeze. Start today.
[both laughing]
We were always the, like the dirty girls
or the edgy girls and there was only a few of us back then.
Exactly. We told the truth.
We weren't even dirty.
I mean, I tell people, tell the truth
and wrap it in bacon, so you'll eat it.
I want to be that person that, you know,
somebody can look at and they can go, wow.
If that's how Teri Hatcher's living, then like,
I feel pretty good about my life.
[both laughing]
We all want to see each other succeed
because I think Hollywood has a tendency to say
that we're backbiting.
We do help each other.
And what you have created, Carole, is magnificent.
[audience cheering]
[audience clapping]
[upbeat music]