1 00:00:03,712 --> 00:00:06,214 [upbeat music] 2 00:00:08,299 --> 00:00:09,300 Hey, everybody. 3 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:12,429 Welcome to the third Funny Women of a Certain Age Special. 4 00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:13,763 A lot of people have been asking, 5 00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:14,973 "How come it took so long 6 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,017 between the second and the third special? 7 00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:19,060 Was it the pandemic?" No! 8 00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:22,439 It took forever to find five women in Los Angeles who would 9 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,607 admit to being over 50. 10 00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:25,734 Carole. 11 00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:28,528 You did not tell me I had to admit my age. 12 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,366 [audience cheering] 13 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:36,953 Suddenly you've ripped out the rug of mother identity. 14 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,204 Now who the fuck am I? 15 00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,874 You really do get forced to reinvent yourself, 16 00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:42,625 I think, or die. 17 00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:45,462 Here's the deal, you know, you've, you, you are.... 18 00:00:47,338 --> 00:00:48,882 -Old. -[laughs] 19 00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:51,092 One of the things I love about getting older 20 00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:54,179 is that I have really learned how to say the word, "No." 21 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,931 Like, do I want to do that gig for no money? No. 22 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,767 And they lie to us and tell us, 23 00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:01,102 "Well, if you lose 12 pounds, you'll feel young." 24 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:04,105 No, you won't, you'll just be a lighter old broad. 25 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,940 What do you think about aging in this business? 26 00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:08,443 It's better than death. [laughs] 27 00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:22,749 When I started stand up, 28 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,209 I was talking to my mom one day on the phone. 29 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,002 I said, "How come you never came to see? 30 00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,004 Daddy and you never came to see me at the beginning?" 31 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:32,425 And she says, "Your father thought you were going to bomb." 32 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:33,802 [both laughing] 33 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:36,471 [audience cheering] 34 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,650 We're doing number three. Yeah! 35 00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:50,151 [audience cheering] 36 00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:54,072 Okay, before I start, I just have to... 37 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,991 I'm 63 years old, I still have to use a fucking condom. 38 00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:59,244 [audience laughs] 39 00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:01,663 How great is this looking at all you beautiful people? 40 00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:04,374 Look, we're not social distancing anymore. Yes! 41 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:05,834 [audience cheering] 42 00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,545 Just one thing. One thing about social distancing. 43 00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:09,587 This is for the ladies. 44 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:10,922 Did you notice that men never 45 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,675 really got the hang of social distancing? 46 00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:15,343 Do you agree with me? Right? 47 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:18,138 Not before. Not during. Certainly not afterwards. 48 00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:21,224 I, I think it's because they never figured out six inches. 49 00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:23,476 How the hell are they figuring out six feet? 50 00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:25,687 [audience laughs] 51 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:31,025 Ah, that was a dick joke, if you're keeping score. 52 00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:34,070 [audience laughs] 53 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,197 And it's, it's, it's such a weird time 54 00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:38,741 because people don't know how to act in public anymore. 55 00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:40,243 Right? 56 00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:41,870 'Cause I don't know about out here, 57 00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:43,079 but like I'm from New York, right, 58 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,289 so in New York, in April, they, 59 00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:47,125 this is what they said, "Lockdown's over." 60 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,294 And that was it. They didn't say anything else. 61 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,087 And nobody knew what was happening. 62 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:53,756 So it was like when Dorothy lands in the Wizard of Oz 63 00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:55,550 and the Munchkins pop out. 64 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:59,345 [audience laughs] 65 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,514 "Can we drink now? 66 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,516 Can we fuck? What can we do?" 67 00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:04,976 [audience laughs] 68 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:08,229 Because most of you did the same things I did, right? 69 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:11,691 You spent the most of 2020 in your underwear. 70 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:13,651 [audience laughs] 71 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,570 Don't fucking lie to me, people. 72 00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,614 [audience laughs] 73 00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:19,282 I decided, okay, right, 74 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,326 we're free now, the stores are open, 75 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:22,785 I'm going to go get some new clothes. 76 00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:24,370 Ladies. 77 00:03:24,412 --> 00:03:27,165 Did you see what the designers thought we wanted to wear? 78 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,083 You know what I'm talking about? Who said it? Right? 79 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,044 The Prairie dresses! 80 00:03:31,085 --> 00:03:33,463 [audience laughs] 81 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,597 [audience applauds] 82 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,809 The men have no idea what we're 83 00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:49,395 fucking talking about right now, okay? 84 00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:52,148 That would be if they gave you, like you, sir, 85 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,734 like, if you wore a jockstrap with a fucking bow, 86 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:55,693 that's what that would mean. 87 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:56,986 Okay? You understand? 88 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,655 Look at him. I like that. Okay. 89 00:03:58,696 --> 00:04:00,323 So anyway... 90 00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:01,699 So for the people who don't know, 91 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,702 it's a potato sack 92 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:08,581 with ruffles... 93 00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:11,084 and a turtleneck. 94 00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:12,418 How much weight did they think 95 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:15,588 we fucking gained during the pandemic? 96 00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:17,507 [audience laughs] 97 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:19,759 [audience applauds] 98 00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:24,264 And just because we bake bread during it, 99 00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:27,350 doesn't mean we want to look like a fucking pioneer woman. 100 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:28,184 All right? 101 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:31,145 [audience applauds] 102 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:33,147 What are they going to come up with next? Right? 103 00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:35,233 Like what are they going to come up with for the next thing? 104 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,652 Right? Like Chanel 105 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,570 for the Amish in you. 106 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,781 [audience laughs] 107 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,995 I'm hoping to get a Chanel bag from this. 108 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:49,706 I'm just hoping that I mentioned it 109 00:04:49,747 --> 00:04:51,124 and they will send me one. 110 00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:52,709 Okay, so... 111 00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:56,129 I was one of the first people to be vaccinated 112 00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:59,632 because I am 63 years old, and I'm a senior citizen. 113 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:01,843 [audience cheers] 114 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,680 This is the only time in history 115 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:09,517 where old people were treated well. 116 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:10,810 Yeah, now we can go back 117 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,229 to being invisible and overqualified. 118 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,734 And I still don't get why they chose, 119 00:05:17,775 --> 00:05:19,235 why did they make the seniors, 120 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:21,112 why did they give it to us first? 121 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,447 I think I figured it out. 122 00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:26,868 I think somebody in charge was like... 123 00:05:26,909 --> 00:05:30,538 "Well, if the vaccine doesn't work... 124 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:33,333 [audience laughs] 125 00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:42,717 ...they had a good run." 126 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,595 [audience laughs] 127 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:48,222 So I talk about my age, you know, a lot in my act, 128 00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,391 because until like I said, I'm 63 years old. 129 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,643 And until you're older you don't realize 130 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,187 that ageism really does exist. 131 00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:55,772 And the older women know what I'm talking about. 132 00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:56,981 Right? Right? 133 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,232 Yeah. Yeah. 134 00:05:58,274 --> 00:06:00,193 Because honestly, if I had to choose right now 135 00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:02,904 between ageism or sexism, I would take a pat on the ass 136 00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:05,698 because it meant somebody fucking noticed me. 137 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,075 [audience laughs] 138 00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:08,743 Right? 139 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,370 [audience applauds] 140 00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:11,579 Now when I was a young girl 141 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,456 and I used to walk by a construction site, 142 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,209 I would hate it. Don't you hate that? 143 00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,127 It used to offend me so much. 144 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,546 What I would give for a fucking whistle right now. 145 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:22,757 [audience laughs] 146 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:29,806 I can walk past a construction site right now, naked. 147 00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:33,184 You know what I'm going to hear? 148 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,353 "Uh, lady, your nipples are getting bloody 149 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,063 from scraping on the sidewalk." 150 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,482 [audience laughs] 151 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,318 But it's, you know, 152 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,946 people think ageism is a female thing and it's not it. 153 00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,948 I mean, it's all genders, it's all industries. 154 00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:48,157 Like you, young man. 155 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,868 My, my little bow guy. How old are you? 156 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,328 51 years old. 157 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:53,830 Now you will not experience ageism 158 00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:55,706 until you're in your 70s. 159 00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:57,708 Women, 15. 160 00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,919 [audience laughs] 161 00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:06,634 You know what the only industry that doesn't have ageism? 162 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,302 Porn. 163 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,848 I know you're all looking at me like, 164 00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:12,849 "Why does the old leech know this?" 165 00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:14,684 Okay, let me explain. 166 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,103 I have a good friend of mine. 167 00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,604 She's a young lady. She's a porn star. 168 00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:20,231 And we were having dinner one night. 169 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,899 And I said to her, "When do you retire? 170 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,276 Do you have a retirement age?" 171 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194 And she says to me, "Carole, you're 63. 172 00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:28,781 You could do porn. There's a kink for everyone." 173 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:30,992 [audience laughs] 174 00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,833 Still not sure if that was a compliment or an insult, people. 175 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,209 I have to be honest. 176 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:42,420 But then I got excited. 177 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:46,966 I could do porn. I could do porn! 178 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:49,343 [audience cheering] 179 00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,098 I finally have that fallback career 180 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:57,935 my parents always wanted me to have. 181 00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,187 But then I was thinking like, 182 00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:01,147 what, what, what, what, what genre would I do? 183 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,566 You know? 'Cause there's different genres in porn. 184 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,984 Did you know that? Yeah, yeah. 185 00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,987 Like, do they have like a Marvel Universe? 186 00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:10,406 [audience laughs] 187 00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,992 They have Iron Man. I could be Iron Supplement. 188 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,369 [audience laughs] 189 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,041 [audience applauds] 190 00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,337 So my girlfriend tells me a list 191 00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:25,880 of all the different genres. 192 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,507 I have to be honest. 193 00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:30,134 The only one that stood out and this is a real thing, 194 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:35,056 was a thing called humiliation porn. 195 00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:37,183 Swear to God, this is a real thing, right? 196 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,352 You know what I love, I love doing this bit. 197 00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:40,978 'Cause I love looking at the men and they're like, 198 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,022 "I don't even know what porn is." 199 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,399 [audience laughs] 200 00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,739 Okay. So this is a real thing. 201 00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,116 It's when a woman 202 00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:55,993 screams at a man 203 00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:59,705 for 90 minutes until he comes. 204 00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,916 [audience laughs] 205 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,547 [audience laughs] 206 00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:09,715 Now most of you don't know me very well, 207 00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:12,927 but this is the perfect genre for me. 208 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,429 [audience laughs] 209 00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,807 [audience applauds] 210 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,855 I get to yell at somebody. 211 00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:28,109 I don't have to get naked. 212 00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:31,487 And I get paid? Sign me the fuck up! 213 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,953 I can't wait for the first day on the set. 214 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,955 [audience laughs] 215 00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,123 "Action!" 216 00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:43,457 "You call that a dick?" 217 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,835 [audience laughs] 218 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:52,466 [audience laughs] 219 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,428 Wow. That was really fast. 220 00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:57,847 [audience laughs] 221 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,477 [audience applauds] 222 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,317 I think we have 88 more minutes. 223 00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:12,278 What are we going to do? You want to play cards? 224 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,988 I don't know what we're gonna do. 225 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,823 [audience laughs] 226 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,742 So then my girlfriend says to me, she says, 227 00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:21,162 "Carole, maybe not do hardcore right away. 228 00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:24,457 Try something else. Maybe an OnlyFans site." 229 00:10:24,498 --> 00:10:26,876 You know that OnlyFans, right? 230 00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:28,836 Once again, the men. 231 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,504 [audience laughs] 232 00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:34,550 So you pay monthly, you pay monthly for private content. 233 00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:37,511 And I thought this is a great way to do it from home, right? 234 00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:40,348 Because I don't really want to have to compete with like 235 00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,059 young women with their perky tits, 236 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,061 because these are not perky tits, 237 00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:47,563 these are, these are droopy tits. 238 00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:50,608 And whether or not you're wondering 239 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,445 if there was a market for droopy tits... 240 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:58,783 remember, there's a kink for everyone. 241 00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,910 [audience claps] 242 00:11:04,413 --> 00:11:06,374 So this is what my OnlyFans is. 243 00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,417 Okay. 244 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,544 I take these tits, right, 245 00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:14,006 and I try to squeeze them into a training bra. 246 00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:17,093 [audience laughs] 247 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,177 In slow motion. 248 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,639 [audience laughs] 249 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,724 Ready? Okay, here it is. 250 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,272 [audience laughs] 251 00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:35,027 I got you hard right now, didn't I? 252 00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:38,197 [audience laughs] 253 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,866 That one was free. You pay next month. 254 00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:43,077 [audience laughs] 255 00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:48,082 So now I have to tell my son what I'm doing. 256 00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,709 I have a grown son. 257 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:51,127 So I call my son up and I say, 258 00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:53,003 "Honey, I just want you to know, 259 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:54,505 Mom has an OnlyFans site." 260 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,174 And he goes, "I know, my friends told me about it. 261 00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:59,593 [audience laughs] 262 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,930 They would like an autographed training bra." 263 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,057 [audience laughs] 264 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,058 So now I have merch. 265 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:09,228 [audience laughs] 266 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,605 [audience claps] 267 00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,025 And I think I speak for all of you 268 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,527 this past year and everything. 269 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,696 The worst part of lockdown for me was not seeing my son 270 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:19,780 and not seeing our families. 271 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:20,990 Do you agree with me on this? 272 00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:22,324 Yes. Yeah. 273 00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:23,576 And I didn't see my son for like three-- 274 00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:25,119 Those first three months in New York City, 275 00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,746 I did not see him, okay? 276 00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:28,330 So finally, after three months I call him up and I'm like, 277 00:12:28,372 --> 00:12:30,166 "Honey, I have to come see you. 278 00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,459 I'm going to rent a car 279 00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,043 and I'm going to bring you supplies." 280 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,463 By the way, I live in Manhattan. He lives in Brooklyn. 281 00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:38,674 It's not that fucking far, okay? 'Cause you know, all right. 282 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,509 I said, "The only thing is, Dave, 283 00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,428 is that I'm going to have to use your bathroom. 284 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,013 I'm going to go have to pee because I'm an old woman." 285 00:12:44,054 --> 00:12:45,890 I, you know, because you know, I'm an old woman, okay? 286 00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,100 I pee all-- I'm peeing right now. 287 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,311 [audience laughs] 288 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,109 Don't fucking look! Stop looking! 289 00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:59,320 [audience laughs] 290 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:10,581 My son says to me, "Mom, we're, 291 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,959 my roommates and I, we're in a quarantine bubble. 292 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:17,171 You will not be able to use my bathroom." 293 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,965 [audience laughs] 294 00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,842 What? Exactly. 295 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,303 I was like, "Whoa, okay, so let me get this straight. 296 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:28,265 I, I carried you for nine months. 297 00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,142 [audience laughs] 298 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,644 You peed in me. 299 00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:34,063 [audience laughs] 300 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,444 And I can't use your...? All right." 301 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,613 I didn't go. I was so mad at him, right? 302 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,782 So over the summer restrictions were a little bit lifted. 303 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,826 He calls me because, "Mom, I spoke to my roommates. 304 00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:50,120 Please come visit. Please bring supplies. 305 00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:52,414 You can use my bathroom." 306 00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:53,791 So I went and I got the car. 307 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,334 And when I got up to his apartment, 308 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:58,045 I peed right on his fucking kitchen floor. 309 00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:00,256 [audience laughs] 310 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,345 And then I filmed it for my OnlyFans site. 311 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:07,638 [audience laughs] 312 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,306 Thank you so much. You've been great. 313 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,058 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 314 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,394 [audience cheering] 315 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,771 [audience applauds] 316 00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:23,821 I never thought of myself as a female comic. 317 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,240 I just thought of myself as a comic. 318 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:29,201 I don't think you had to deal with a lot of the bullshit. 319 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,411 I think everyone just, 320 00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:32,246 she came out of the fucking gate respected. 321 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,748 So what, why do you think that is? 322 00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,002 My jokes? 323 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,296 [both laughing] 324 00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:42,756 [audience cheering] 325 00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:47,052 Wow, thank you. 326 00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:50,514 Somebody just hugged me so hard backstage, 327 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,100 I can skip my next mammogram. 328 00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,935 [audience laughs] 329 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,229 They also said I was dressed like a realtor. 330 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,439 I don't know. 331 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,399 [audience laughs] 332 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:01,942 I don't have a lot of clothes, 333 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,652 but I have two sets of everything 334 00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:05,195 because my weight fluctuates. 335 00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:09,700 So like I have a little black dress with spaghetti straps 336 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:14,288 and then a larger black dress with lasagna straps. 337 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,498 [audience laughs] 338 00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:22,421 It smells good in here. Can you smell my perfume? 339 00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:27,134 [audience laughs] 340 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,428 It's channel five. 341 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:32,723 [audience laughs] 342 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,476 I got it at the dollar store. 343 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:39,772 So during the pandemic 344 00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:43,275 I developed something called Amazon-nesia. 345 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:44,985 [audience laughs] 346 00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:48,781 And that's when you get a box and you're like, 347 00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:50,824 "What did I order?" 348 00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:53,202 [audience laughs] 349 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:59,333 And then I'm like, "I don't remember ordering that." 350 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:05,172 Evidently one night I bought six coffee table books 351 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:07,257 about minimalism. 352 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,468 [audience laughs] 353 00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:16,308 I'm already minimal, I don't even have a coffee table. 354 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,519 [audience laughs] 355 00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:24,525 But I'm minimal because somebody gave me a book, 356 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:25,943 people give me books, 357 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:30,864 called "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up." 358 00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:34,159 My housekeeper gave it to me. 359 00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:36,829 [audience laughs] 360 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:41,792 Basically it says, get rid of everything in your house 361 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,502 that doesn't bring you joy. 362 00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:48,215 So, I immediately got rid of the book. 363 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,426 [audience laughs] 364 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,806 But then it made sense. 365 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,182 'Cause you know what you like. 366 00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,935 And it was just about being honest with myself 367 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,186 about what I liked. 368 00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:05,524 So I got rid of so much stuff, of my husband's. 369 00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,651 [audience laughs] 370 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:11,530 Comic books, baseball cards, you know, junk. 371 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,365 [audience laughs] 372 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:15,075 I kept all my books though. 373 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:18,454 My mom gave me a book called, 374 00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:21,248 oh, it's fiction... 375 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,875 "The Joy of Cooking." 376 00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:26,420 [audience laughs] 377 00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:27,671 I am not a good cook. 378 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,549 Even my dogs are like, "We'll eat out tonight." 379 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,051 [audience laughs] 380 00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:35,137 My food has a before taste. 381 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,430 So um... 382 00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,640 [audience laughs] 383 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,436 I didn't know how that one was gonna go. 384 00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:46,023 [audience laughs] 385 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,818 Someone gave me a book called 386 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:53,238 "The Power of Silence." 387 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,327 [audience laughs] 388 00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,287 My husband gave it to me. 389 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:03,207 [audience laughs] 390 00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:06,210 My husband is the funniest human. 391 00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:08,170 He sexted me recently, you know, 392 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:11,131 sent me a picture to turn me on, you know? 393 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:15,594 It was a picture of him emptying the dishwasher. 394 00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:18,514 [audience laughs] 395 00:18:18,555 --> 00:18:20,682 [audience applauds] 396 00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:27,314 Oh, I see some of my friends! 397 00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:32,319 At my age, that's what it's all about, right? 398 00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:33,946 Being able to see. 399 00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:36,782 [audience laughs] 400 00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,242 No, but I've always, 401 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,869 growing up I had these thick Coke bottle glasses, 402 00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:42,621 but they were the knockoff kinds. 403 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,748 They were RC Cola. 404 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,291 [audience laughs] 405 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:50,546 Now everything outside of my car is in my blind spot. 406 00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:53,966 And even my hindsight isn't 2020. 407 00:18:54,007 --> 00:18:55,884 [audience laughs] 408 00:18:55,926 --> 00:19:01,306 But at this point, I can see what's important. 409 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,516 Cash. 410 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,101 [audience laughs] 411 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,688 No, friends. Friends and family. 412 00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:09,481 And spending cash... 413 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:10,607 [audience laughs] 414 00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:13,569 ...time with them, I meant. 415 00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,028 And health is important. 416 00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:16,655 Health is, you know, if you have your health, right? 417 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,615 I have to go to my doctor soon. 418 00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:21,493 'Cause I've been feeling attracted to him. 419 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,704 [audience laughs] 420 00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:28,917 I'm married, but before I was married, I dated a doctor. 421 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:32,671 He was one of those doctors without boundaries. 422 00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:35,048 [audience laughs] 423 00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:40,971 Health, health, eating healthier. 424 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,306 I've been eating healthier. 425 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,724 I have to say, when I eat healthier, 426 00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:45,684 I feel so much hungrier. 427 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,103 [audience laughs] 428 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,732 But we've been eating fish. 429 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:56,361 My favorite are Goldfish pretzels. 430 00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:58,572 Those are... 431 00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:03,035 Yeah. So my dogs keep me healthy. 432 00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:06,121 Pets keep me healthy. Or keep you healthy. 433 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:08,957 They're important. We have two Jindos. 434 00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,710 That's the breed. We rescued them. 435 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:15,380 I saw a Cockapoo in Beverly Hills 436 00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:19,718 wearing Crest White Strips and skinny black jeans. 437 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,179 [audience laughs] 438 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,640 There should be a clothing store for dogs 439 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:28,602 called Forever Three. 440 00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:29,728 [audience member laughs] 441 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,021 'Cause in dog years... 442 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,773 Thank you. One gentleman. 443 00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:35,234 [audience laughs] 444 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,698 When we rescued our dogs, the people told us 445 00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,325 that they were four years old. 446 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:46,787 And then the vet said, based on their teeth, 447 00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:49,706 they were at least eight. 448 00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:51,124 And I'm like, wow. 449 00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:55,837 In Los Angeles, they even lie about how old their dogs are. 450 00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,511 So I am 56. 451 00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:05,013 I turned 56 in February. 452 00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:05,973 [audience applauds] 453 00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:08,225 Thank you! 454 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,728 And since then, I forget everything. 455 00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:14,731 Like that I'm 60. 456 00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:17,150 [audience laughs] 457 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:25,158 Now when a guy is staring at my breasts, I'm like, 458 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,121 "Hey buddy, they're down there actually." 459 00:21:29,162 --> 00:21:31,540 [audience laughs] 460 00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:41,258 I am old enough to remember when you could smoke on a plane. 461 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,926 I mean, you can still do it now, 462 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:46,680 but they fine you $2,200, I found out. 463 00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:49,641 [audience laughs] 464 00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:52,728 I am 60 years old. 465 00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:55,188 [audience applauds] 466 00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:59,359 The only thing I mind is that, 467 00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:02,821 other than that society thinks that, you know, 468 00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:05,532 I'm not important and my life is over, 469 00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:09,161 and I feel like I'm just starting my second act 470 00:22:09,202 --> 00:22:11,705 as a librarian in Maine. 471 00:22:13,248 --> 00:22:16,501 The only thing I mind is that I started getting 472 00:22:16,543 --> 00:22:21,882 an old ladies clothing catalog that I didn't subscribe to. 473 00:22:21,923 --> 00:22:25,886 And it upset me. That I love the tunics. 474 00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:28,347 [audience laughs] 475 00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:31,892 They're reversible! 476 00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:34,353 [audience laughs] 477 00:22:36,813 --> 00:22:38,732 But fuck it. I'm 60. 478 00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:39,733 [audience laughs] 479 00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:41,026 That's my new mantra. 480 00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:43,320 I will buy Crepe Erase and a walk-in tub, 481 00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:47,491 and the pickleball racket and compression socks, 482 00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:51,787 and a case of Ensure, and one of those HurryCanes, 483 00:22:51,828 --> 00:22:55,707 and a statement necklace from Chico's. 484 00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:58,710 [audience laughs] 485 00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:00,253 Fuck it. I'm 60. 486 00:23:00,295 --> 00:23:02,881 [audience laughs] 487 00:23:02,923 --> 00:23:06,760 And I'm not apologizing anymore. 488 00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:09,888 I love myself now. 489 00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:13,809 Well, I, I can stand myself. 490 00:23:15,685 --> 00:23:17,896 35 years of therapy later. 491 00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,481 You know what? 492 00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:24,236 I still wish I didn't procrastinate as much. 493 00:23:24,277 --> 00:23:27,781 Like I just did the ice bucket challenge. 494 00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:29,991 [audience laughs] 495 00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:41,253 And I wish I could fall asleep better. 496 00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:44,464 'Cause, like once I'm asleep, I could sleep through anything. 497 00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:48,301 Like I once slept through college. 498 00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:50,512 But it, it's hard for me. 499 00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:52,389 It takes me a long time to fall asleep. 500 00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:53,974 'Cause I'm always worried. 501 00:23:54,015 --> 00:23:56,143 I'm worried about like nuclear war 502 00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:58,937 and did I buy too many forever stamps? 503 00:23:58,979 --> 00:24:01,314 [audience laughs] 504 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:06,236 And then I wonder silly things. 505 00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:11,324 Like why does my raincoat say "dry clean only." 506 00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:13,785 [audience laughs] 507 00:24:18,331 --> 00:24:20,917 Who builds the Ikea stores? 508 00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:23,462 [audience laughs] 509 00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:26,965 Why isn't there an 82 cent store for women, 510 00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:29,843 since that's what we make on the dollar? 511 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,053 [audience cheering] 512 00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:40,687 And isn't cobbler just fucked up pie? 513 00:24:40,729 --> 00:24:42,898 [audience laughs] 514 00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:49,237 But I can stand myself. 515 00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:53,033 I can stand myself and I'll leave you with this. 516 00:24:53,074 --> 00:24:57,621 I-- a couple of years ago, I was hit by a car. 517 00:24:57,662 --> 00:25:00,874 I know, I was walking on my treadmill. 518 00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:02,918 [audience laughs] 519 00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:04,377 No, I was crossing the street. 520 00:25:04,419 --> 00:25:06,922 I was hit by a car. I woke up. 521 00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:08,298 I didn't know where I was. 522 00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:12,886 I knew I wasn't at home because somebody was vacuuming and... 523 00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:16,723 ...wasn't me. 524 00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:17,807 [audience laughs] 525 00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:19,184 And I was in the hospital. 526 00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:21,269 I had one broken leg and two broken feet 527 00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:23,146 and it took me a long time to heal. 528 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:25,065 But I couldn't have done it without 529 00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:28,318 my friends and family keeping me laughing. 530 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:32,447 And I realized life is so fragile 531 00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:35,909 and I should switch to Geico. 532 00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:37,494 [audience laughs] 533 00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:39,037 The guy had a great policy. 534 00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:41,915 Thank you so much for listening to me. 535 00:25:41,957 --> 00:25:44,125 [audience cheering] 536 00:25:46,086 --> 00:25:48,421 [audience applauds] 537 00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:54,469 I feel like people aren't honest 538 00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:56,555 with what getting older is about. 539 00:25:56,596 --> 00:26:00,642 There is a moment where you go from the day that you walk 540 00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:03,645 into Starbucks and somebody opens the door for you. 541 00:26:03,687 --> 00:26:04,396 [laughs] 542 00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:05,981 And then they might even say, 543 00:26:06,022 --> 00:26:07,315 "Oh, let me buy you your coffee," 544 00:26:07,357 --> 00:26:09,693 to like the next day you are fucking invisible 545 00:26:09,734 --> 00:26:14,948 and no one will ever buy you free coffee ever, ever again. 546 00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,783 Let alone a martini. 547 00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:18,493 [laughs] 548 00:26:18,535 --> 00:26:20,912 [audience cheering] 549 00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:27,627 Hi, thank you so much! 550 00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:28,753 Wow! 551 00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:32,007 Wow! 552 00:26:32,048 --> 00:26:35,260 Boy! Thank you so much! 553 00:26:35,302 --> 00:26:37,304 Well, I am so excited to be here tonight. 554 00:26:37,345 --> 00:26:41,016 Part of this show, Funny Women of a Certain Age. 555 00:26:41,057 --> 00:26:42,392 I figure in 10 or 15 years, 556 00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:44,102 I'm really going to need their advice. 557 00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:47,564 [audience laughs] 558 00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:49,649 I was kind of offended at first. 559 00:26:49,691 --> 00:26:53,987 You know, like when AARP started sending me stuff. 560 00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:57,365 [audience laughs] 561 00:26:57,407 --> 00:27:01,995 They sent a tote, like it was filled with coupons to Denny's 562 00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:03,121 and LensCrafters. 563 00:27:03,163 --> 00:27:05,498 [audience laughs] 564 00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:08,835 Like I want to advertise my age by carrying around some 565 00:27:08,877 --> 00:27:13,965 cheap canvas bag with a giant AARP logo. 566 00:27:14,007 --> 00:27:14,966 [audience laughs] 567 00:27:15,008 --> 00:27:16,384 I mean, it might as well say, 568 00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:19,179 "Aging Arthritic Repulsive Person." 569 00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:22,265 [audience laughs] 570 00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:26,811 On a scale of one to varicose veins... 571 00:27:26,853 --> 00:27:31,983 I think I'm doing all right for 36 plus 20. 572 00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:34,027 I'm 56. 573 00:27:34,069 --> 00:27:36,196 [audience cheering] 574 00:27:36,237 --> 00:27:37,656 Thank you. 575 00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:39,115 I don't know if you're clapping 576 00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:40,617 because I can still wear heels 577 00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:43,870 or because you've never seen an actress do math. 578 00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:46,498 [audience laughs] 579 00:27:46,539 --> 00:27:51,127 Confidence can be elusive as we age. 580 00:27:51,169 --> 00:27:53,463 You know, part of us is wise enough 581 00:27:53,505 --> 00:27:55,882 to just not take any more shit. 582 00:27:55,924 --> 00:27:59,469 And part of us looks in the mirror while putting on makeup 583 00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:02,055 and wonders, "Why bother?" 584 00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:03,973 [audience laughs] 585 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:08,895 Because middle-age makeup is a full-on craft project. 586 00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:11,064 [audience laughs] 587 00:28:11,106 --> 00:28:15,151 Scrape, spackle, sand, patch, fill, 588 00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:19,280 tape, lift, coat, smooth, spray, 589 00:28:19,322 --> 00:28:21,866 yeah, and then you can put on lipstick. 590 00:28:21,908 --> 00:28:24,160 [audience laughs] 591 00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:25,829 I used to buy my makeup at Sephora. 592 00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:28,164 Now I get it in bulk at Michael's. 593 00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:29,666 [audience laughs] 594 00:28:29,708 --> 00:28:34,212 No, it's basically papier-mache on my face right now. 595 00:28:34,254 --> 00:28:35,588 You could feel it. 596 00:28:35,630 --> 00:28:37,424 [audience laughs] 597 00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:40,760 Well, you might remember me from an episode of Seinfeld 598 00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:43,972 that I did that had a very famous tagline. 599 00:28:44,013 --> 00:28:45,348 [audience cheering] 600 00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:48,268 They're real and they're spectacular. 601 00:28:49,102 --> 00:28:51,646 I mean, now they're still real. 602 00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:53,982 And I would argue still spectacular, 603 00:28:54,023 --> 00:28:57,694 if you're attracted to tube socks filled with sand, 604 00:28:57,736 --> 00:28:59,529 hanging from a scarecrow. 605 00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:01,990 [audience laughs] 606 00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:07,036 But you know, hardly any of us are real anymore. 607 00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:08,621 I mean, just look at Instagram. 608 00:29:08,663 --> 00:29:12,208 Like we all are filled with fake boobs and fake butts. 609 00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:13,710 Fake teeth. 610 00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:16,796 Like we're so fake that when we do finally 611 00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:20,300 end up in a casket, we probably won't even rot. 612 00:29:20,341 --> 00:29:23,052 [audience laughs] 613 00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:24,387 Or hundreds of years from now, 614 00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:27,348 they'll be digging up little sparkling veneers 615 00:29:27,390 --> 00:29:31,269 and deflated plastic sacks, wondering, 616 00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:34,272 "Was this a cemetery or a Party City?" 617 00:29:34,314 --> 00:29:36,691 [audience laughs] 618 00:29:38,902 --> 00:29:39,986 Yeah. 619 00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:43,865 Aging while female is not for the faint of heart. 620 00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:48,578 I mean, wine of a certain age is considered rare, 621 00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:51,956 and grapes of a certain age are considered raisins, 622 00:29:51,998 --> 00:29:56,294 and women of a certain age are not considered 623 00:29:56,336 --> 00:29:58,880 in Hollywood at all. 624 00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:01,132 Cheers. 625 00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:04,385 [audience claps] 626 00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:08,348 I have three 18-year-old cats, 627 00:30:08,389 --> 00:30:12,936 one 12-year-old dog, and a car from 1978. 628 00:30:12,977 --> 00:30:15,980 We're all just waiting around to see who dies first. 629 00:30:16,022 --> 00:30:17,774 [audience laughs] 630 00:30:17,816 --> 00:30:22,695 I was one of those folks that rescued a dog during COVID. 631 00:30:22,737 --> 00:30:27,242 Yeah, mine came with poor eyesight and a collapsed anus. 632 00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:28,618 [audience] Ooh. 633 00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:30,203 Yeah. But so did I. 634 00:30:30,245 --> 00:30:31,704 [audience laughs] 635 00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:35,458 Yeah. Now I can barely read my texts anymore. 636 00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:39,003 I mean, most people hear 69 and think sex. 637 00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:40,213 I think font size. 638 00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:42,590 [audience laughs] 639 00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:45,552 And I have got to be the only actress in Hollywood 640 00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:48,763 who actually had plastic surgery on my butthole, 641 00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:50,139 instead of my face. 642 00:30:50,181 --> 00:30:52,892 [audience laughs] 643 00:30:52,934 --> 00:30:56,437 Anal fissures brought on by pregnancy. 644 00:30:57,689 --> 00:30:58,940 No, don't feel sorry for me. 645 00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:01,776 My asshole just made Maxim's Hot 100. 646 00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:04,863 [audience cheering] 647 00:31:07,073 --> 00:31:10,410 All of this to say, I've become a cliche. 648 00:31:10,451 --> 00:31:13,955 An old lady with too many cats, who's also single. 649 00:31:15,331 --> 00:31:18,126 [audience cheering] 650 00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:21,129 Living alone, I guess it, you know, 651 00:31:21,170 --> 00:31:25,550 it really hasn't been easy on me or my sex life. 652 00:31:25,592 --> 00:31:28,803 Although, it's not like it took a pandemic 653 00:31:28,845 --> 00:31:31,222 for my vagina to be on lockdown. 654 00:31:31,264 --> 00:31:32,765 [audience laughs] 655 00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:37,395 No, even my Alexa knows that I'm in a dry spell. 656 00:31:37,437 --> 00:31:39,981 She's heard me so often complain 657 00:31:40,023 --> 00:31:42,817 about having no sex in a long time. 658 00:31:44,152 --> 00:31:45,737 That once I said, "Alexa, what's the time?" 659 00:31:45,778 --> 00:31:48,448 And she said, "It has been a long time. 660 00:31:48,489 --> 00:31:50,950 [audience laughs] 661 00:31:50,992 --> 00:31:55,163 It was so long ago that iPhones had a charging port 662 00:31:55,204 --> 00:31:56,456 and a headphone jack. 663 00:31:56,497 --> 00:31:58,333 [audience laughs] 664 00:31:58,374 --> 00:32:00,877 Yes, even the iPhones' holes were being 665 00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:03,254 more occupied than yours." 666 00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:06,591 [audience laughs] 667 00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:09,177 Some would call that Alexa spying, 668 00:32:10,887 --> 00:32:13,473 but I call it finally getting some goddamn attention. 669 00:32:13,514 --> 00:32:14,933 [audience laughs] 670 00:32:14,974 --> 00:32:17,310 Now for my birthday, she sent me chocolates 671 00:32:17,352 --> 00:32:18,811 and a 10 speed dildo. 672 00:32:18,853 --> 00:32:20,396 [audience laughs] 673 00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:22,440 With batteries! 674 00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:24,359 [audience laughs] 675 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:26,069 [audience member whistles] 676 00:32:26,110 --> 00:32:28,780 I will admit to you that I am indeed on a dating app. 677 00:32:28,821 --> 00:32:30,281 [audience applauds] 678 00:32:30,323 --> 00:32:32,116 Well and, not just one. 679 00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:36,496 I'm on Raya, Elite Singles, and Bumble, 680 00:32:36,537 --> 00:32:39,040 and Celebrities Who Once Fucked James Bond, 681 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:40,875 MacGyver and Superman, But Can't Find a Date 682 00:32:40,917 --> 00:32:43,461 So Have Been Single for Years.com. 683 00:32:43,503 --> 00:32:46,172 [audience laughs] 684 00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:55,264 But I do worry that if you don't use it, 685 00:32:55,306 --> 00:32:56,474 you lose it. 686 00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:57,809 That's what they say. 687 00:32:57,850 --> 00:33:00,895 I know that applies to my brain and my biceps. 688 00:33:02,063 --> 00:33:04,399 I'm wondering if it includes my clitoris. 689 00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:09,821 Has my vagina gotten old, like the rest of me? 690 00:33:09,862 --> 00:33:10,822 [audience laughs] 691 00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:13,533 Does it meet Botox or fillers? 692 00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,496 It definitely needs filling. 693 00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:21,416 [audience laughs] 694 00:33:23,501 --> 00:33:25,586 How dry is it? 695 00:33:26,921 --> 00:33:30,550 Could we hold Burning Man in there next year? 696 00:33:30,591 --> 00:33:33,678 [audience laughs] 697 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,597 These were questions I needed answered. 698 00:33:36,639 --> 00:33:39,350 I needed my gynecologist to go down on me. 699 00:33:39,392 --> 00:33:41,352 [audience laughs] 700 00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:42,770 So I'm in his office 701 00:33:42,812 --> 00:33:46,274 and I'm lying there with my legs up in the stirrups 702 00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:47,608 and he's rooting around. 703 00:33:48,943 --> 00:33:51,154 And I finally get up the nerve to ask him, 704 00:33:51,195 --> 00:33:54,449 "Uh, doctor, does it look like a guy 705 00:33:54,490 --> 00:33:56,325 would have a good time in there?" 706 00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:59,078 [audience laughs] 707 00:34:03,082 --> 00:34:06,002 He peeked his head up over the sheet 708 00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:07,962 that was covering my lap. 709 00:34:08,004 --> 00:34:13,301 And he said, "Teri, you have a totally average vagina." 710 00:34:14,427 --> 00:34:17,013 [audience laughs] 711 00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:19,223 Well, does he mean average, 712 00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:22,185 like 49% of women have better vaginas 713 00:34:22,226 --> 00:34:24,812 and 49% of women have worse vaginas? 714 00:34:24,854 --> 00:34:27,023 Or does he mean average like a C, 715 00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:28,941 because I'm not a C student, 716 00:34:28,983 --> 00:34:31,402 and I certainly don't intend to start with my vagina. 717 00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:32,862 [audience laughs] 718 00:34:32,904 --> 00:34:34,614 Like, he said he meant it like it was 719 00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:36,991 just perfectly, normally, functionally fine. 720 00:34:38,242 --> 00:34:39,869 And I'm, you know, I'm an honest gal. 721 00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:41,913 So that is how I introduce myself now. 722 00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:44,582 Hi, I'm Teri. I have a totally average vagina. 723 00:34:44,624 --> 00:34:47,502 [audience laughs] 724 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,881 Even my mother, my 86 year old mother, 725 00:34:51,923 --> 00:34:54,509 called me the other day, so excited. 726 00:34:56,010 --> 00:35:00,264 "Teri, your father and I have met the most amazing man. 727 00:35:01,974 --> 00:35:05,478 He's single. He used to be a pilot and he speaks Russian." 728 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:06,979 [audience laughs] 729 00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:09,357 So then she said to me four words 730 00:35:09,398 --> 00:35:13,402 that made me consider legally emancipating myself, 731 00:35:13,444 --> 00:35:15,321 even though I'm in my 50s. 732 00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:16,989 [audience laughs] 733 00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:19,534 "Here, talk to him." 734 00:35:19,575 --> 00:35:21,536 [audience] Ooh! 735 00:35:21,577 --> 00:35:22,912 Oh yeah. 736 00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:24,914 So, right, you can, you can picture, 737 00:35:24,956 --> 00:35:28,167 you can picture me going, "Uh, no, no, no, no Mom, no. 738 00:35:28,209 --> 00:35:30,545 What are you doing? Mom, Mom, don't hand the phone! 739 00:35:30,586 --> 00:35:31,963 Please don't hand the phone to..." 740 00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:35,925 "Hello, Teri. This is Pete," 741 00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:37,260 or whatever the fuck he said. 742 00:35:37,301 --> 00:35:39,971 I don't remember because my head was spinning. 743 00:35:40,012 --> 00:35:42,056 My heart was pounding. My palms were sweaty. 744 00:35:42,098 --> 00:35:44,517 I felt like I was somewhere between a stroke 745 00:35:44,559 --> 00:35:46,310 and a grizzly attack. 746 00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:51,232 I squeaked out an awkward, "Hello." 747 00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:58,156 "Teri Hatcher," he said, "This is so cool! 748 00:35:58,197 --> 00:36:00,575 Your mom's told me all about you!" 749 00:36:01,742 --> 00:36:03,161 Okay. So let's recap. 750 00:36:03,202 --> 00:36:06,080 I am talking to a total stranger. 751 00:36:06,122 --> 00:36:08,624 He knows exactly who I am. 752 00:36:08,666 --> 00:36:10,918 Exactly what I look like. 753 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,087 He could have even masturbated to me 754 00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:14,547 at some point in his life. 755 00:36:15,923 --> 00:36:18,509 It's true. I've been around a long time. 756 00:36:18,551 --> 00:36:20,011 [audience laughs] 757 00:36:20,052 --> 00:36:23,014 I said, "Pete, I'm sure you can appreciate 758 00:36:23,055 --> 00:36:25,892 that this has caught me a little off guard. 759 00:36:25,933 --> 00:36:28,394 How exactly did you meet my mom?" 760 00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:32,565 "Oh, we just bumped into each other in Costco." 761 00:36:32,607 --> 00:36:35,318 [audience laughs] 762 00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:36,944 Oh my God. 763 00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:40,865 Is my mom just strolling down the aisles of Costco, 764 00:36:40,907 --> 00:36:44,660 like telling everyone that her world famous daughter 765 00:36:44,702 --> 00:36:46,871 is so pathetically in need of a date 766 00:36:46,913 --> 00:36:49,123 that she'll just hand out my number to any man 767 00:36:49,165 --> 00:36:50,625 without a wedding ring. 768 00:36:51,792 --> 00:36:53,419 I hear my mom in the background, yelling, 769 00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:55,463 "Speak Russian to her!" 770 00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:58,716 I mean the only thing Russian I want right now 771 00:36:58,758 --> 00:37:00,551 is a case of vodka. 772 00:37:00,593 --> 00:37:02,303 [audience laughs] 773 00:37:02,345 --> 00:37:04,722 I said, "Pete, could you put my mom back on the phone?" 774 00:37:04,764 --> 00:37:07,433 She told me she was texting me a picture. 775 00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:09,727 I got the picture. 776 00:37:09,769 --> 00:37:11,729 Actually, Pete was kind of cute. 777 00:37:11,771 --> 00:37:13,481 [audience laughs] 778 00:37:13,522 --> 00:37:15,775 But then I looked closer. 779 00:37:15,816 --> 00:37:17,193 I zoomed in on the photo 780 00:37:17,235 --> 00:37:20,780 and I could see that he was wearing 781 00:37:22,448 --> 00:37:24,408 a Costco name tag. 782 00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:27,119 [audience laughs] 783 00:37:33,125 --> 00:37:36,963 Oh, my whole career, tabloids have made me 784 00:37:37,004 --> 00:37:41,175 a headline of some kind, sometimes on a red carpet, 785 00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:44,971 pumping gas, but lately, 786 00:37:45,012 --> 00:37:47,515 lately, now the headline is, 787 00:37:48,724 --> 00:37:50,601 "Have You Seen Her Lately?" 788 00:37:52,311 --> 00:37:55,648 Wow. She's really aged. 789 00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:57,191 [audience] Ooh. 790 00:37:57,233 --> 00:38:00,695 What happened to her? 791 00:38:00,736 --> 00:38:02,655 Really? 792 00:38:02,697 --> 00:38:05,199 Yeah. Well, I'll tell you. 793 00:38:05,241 --> 00:38:07,618 I'll tell you what happened to me. 794 00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:11,956 I got married. I got divorced. 795 00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:14,458 I had a hit TV show. I did some movies. 796 00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:16,585 I got married again. I grew a baby inside me. 797 00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:19,046 I moved to New York. I took a toddler on the subway. 798 00:38:19,088 --> 00:38:21,257 I got divorced again. I had another hit TV show. 799 00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:23,718 I won some awards. I raised money for charities. 800 00:38:23,759 --> 00:38:25,136 I went to cooking school. 801 00:38:25,177 --> 00:38:27,096 I won Chopped and The Great British Bake-Off. 802 00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:30,057 I ran two marathons. I parented a beautiful human. 803 00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:33,728 I cared for aging parents. I took care of friends. 804 00:38:33,769 --> 00:38:35,313 Friends took care of me. 805 00:38:35,354 --> 00:38:37,106 I taught myself to play piano 806 00:38:37,148 --> 00:38:40,735 and I survived celibacy for a fucking year 807 00:38:40,776 --> 00:38:43,237 alone in a pandemic. 808 00:38:43,279 --> 00:38:47,074 [audience cheering] 809 00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:49,285 So, yeah, life. 810 00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:51,203 That's what happened to me. 811 00:38:51,245 --> 00:38:53,789 Thank you guys so much! 812 00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:57,251 You have been way more than average! 813 00:38:57,293 --> 00:38:58,836 [audience cheering] 814 00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,171 Good night! 815 00:39:00,212 --> 00:39:03,841 [audience applauds] 816 00:39:03,883 --> 00:39:06,052 When you get onstage, 817 00:39:06,093 --> 00:39:10,723 it doesn't matter who the hell you're following, you own it. 818 00:39:10,765 --> 00:39:12,183 You own that stage. 819 00:39:12,224 --> 00:39:14,101 I got to tell you, I've walked into clubs 820 00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:15,603 and you know, it's, they'll still look at the guide 821 00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:17,521 and go, "Are you the headliner," looking at the feature! 822 00:39:17,563 --> 00:39:20,608 And I'm like, "I'm your headliner." 823 00:39:20,649 --> 00:39:22,485 And then I prove it. 824 00:39:22,526 --> 00:39:23,861 [hands smacking] 825 00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:26,238 [audience cheering] 826 00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:41,003 Whoo! 827 00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:43,339 I'm loving this. 828 00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:46,675 Can I share something with y'all? 829 00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:48,886 I went to my doctor last week 830 00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:52,640 and he said no caffeine, 831 00:39:52,681 --> 00:39:54,725 no fatty foods, 832 00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:57,269 no alcohol. 833 00:39:57,311 --> 00:39:58,771 I said, no copay. 834 00:39:58,813 --> 00:40:00,981 [audience laughs] 835 00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,738 Not paying to hear heresy, sir. 836 00:40:07,780 --> 00:40:10,366 [audience laughs] 837 00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:12,993 I really just wanted to do this the easy way. 838 00:40:13,035 --> 00:40:17,248 Right? I wanted to get some Botox, some liposuction. 839 00:40:17,289 --> 00:40:20,292 But what's in the budget is self-acceptance. 840 00:40:20,334 --> 00:40:22,670 [audience laughs] 841 00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:28,259 So, you know, I, I went shopping, 842 00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:30,302 just to buy a couple of things that, that fit 843 00:40:30,344 --> 00:40:34,682 and I, I forgot how frustrating that is. 844 00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:35,850 Right? 845 00:40:35,891 --> 00:40:37,268 Like I still, I still don't understand 846 00:40:37,309 --> 00:40:41,480 why women's clothes start at size zero. 847 00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:47,278 You're not a size zero, if people can see you. 848 00:40:47,319 --> 00:40:49,655 [audience laughs] 849 00:40:52,366 --> 00:40:55,453 [audience applauds] 850 00:40:55,494 --> 00:41:00,332 It doesn't help that I'm, I'm at that awkward age right now 851 00:41:00,374 --> 00:41:04,837 where police officers are starting to look really young. 852 00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:07,465 [audience laughs] 853 00:41:07,506 --> 00:41:11,302 Y'all, I saw one little cop the other day. 854 00:41:11,343 --> 00:41:13,262 [audience laughs] 855 00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:15,848 He looked so young I thought he was trick or treating. 856 00:41:15,890 --> 00:41:18,058 [audience laughs] 857 00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:24,815 I was like, "Hey, little boy, you want some candy?" 858 00:41:24,857 --> 00:41:27,026 [audience laughs] 859 00:41:31,363 --> 00:41:32,823 I got arrested. 860 00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:35,034 [audience laughs] 861 00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:41,957 But you know, it's hard to tell how old somebody is 862 00:41:41,999 --> 00:41:44,293 just by looking at them, right? 863 00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:46,212 Like, like for old people, 864 00:41:46,253 --> 00:41:49,381 everybody younger than them is a millennial. 865 00:41:49,423 --> 00:41:52,885 [audience laughs] 866 00:41:52,927 --> 00:41:54,386 For young people, 867 00:41:54,428 --> 00:41:56,847 everybody older than them fought in the Civil War. 868 00:41:56,889 --> 00:41:59,058 [audience laughs] 869 00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:05,856 For me, any Black dude over 70 is a Tuskegee Airman. 870 00:42:05,898 --> 00:42:09,485 [audience laughs] 871 00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,487 Like whenever I see one I'm like, 872 00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:13,405 "Oh my God, thank you for your service!" 873 00:42:13,447 --> 00:42:15,866 [audience laughs] 874 00:42:18,035 --> 00:42:20,454 You know, I'm learning that, 875 00:42:20,496 --> 00:42:23,457 that we don't age all at once, right? 876 00:42:23,499 --> 00:42:27,836 Different body parts age faster than others, right? 877 00:42:27,878 --> 00:42:28,963 Yeah. Yeah. 878 00:42:29,004 --> 00:42:31,757 Like my taste buds? Still tasting. 879 00:42:31,799 --> 00:42:34,134 [audience laughs] 880 00:42:34,176 --> 00:42:36,095 My colon? 881 00:42:36,136 --> 00:42:38,556 [audience laughs] 882 00:42:45,479 --> 00:42:47,022 Not a team player. 883 00:42:47,064 --> 00:42:49,441 [audience laughs] 884 00:42:53,904 --> 00:42:54,947 But different parts of the body 885 00:42:54,989 --> 00:42:57,741 age faster than others, right? 886 00:42:57,783 --> 00:42:59,243 Like my heart? 887 00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:01,996 Still young. 888 00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:03,080 My knees? 889 00:43:03,122 --> 00:43:05,374 Ooh! Hoo-hoo! 890 00:43:05,416 --> 00:43:08,752 Apparently my knees walked to freedom with Harriet Tubman. 891 00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:10,963 [audience laughs] 892 00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:17,136 Y'all, I call my knees the Middle East. 893 00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:19,471 Because no matter what I do, there's no peace. 894 00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,849 [audience laughs] 895 00:43:23,767 --> 00:43:28,147 My, my doctor, my doctor told me to take Osteo Bi-Flex. 896 00:43:28,188 --> 00:43:29,815 And it works, right? 897 00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:31,775 Like I don't hear my knees cracking anymore, right? 898 00:43:31,817 --> 00:43:34,820 But now I'm afraid that's 'cause I'm losing my hearing. 899 00:43:34,862 --> 00:43:37,031 [audience laughs] 900 00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:42,620 But I will, I will admit to you guys 901 00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:46,832 that age is a touchy subject for me, right? 902 00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:50,377 'Cause there's a, there's a TV show called Younger, right? 903 00:43:50,419 --> 00:43:53,172 Where in order to find and keep a job, 904 00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:55,257 a white woman in her 40s 905 00:43:55,299 --> 00:43:57,968 pretends to be in her 20s. 906 00:43:58,510 --> 00:44:02,097 Because white women age so well? 907 00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:04,516 [audience laughs] 908 00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:17,988 See, I don't understand how the star of that show 909 00:44:18,030 --> 00:44:19,907 is not a Black woman. 910 00:44:21,116 --> 00:44:24,036 Aging well is what we do. 911 00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:26,246 [audience cheering] 912 00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:34,880 I mean, c'mon. Angela Bassett is 209. 913 00:44:34,922 --> 00:44:37,091 [audience laughs] 914 00:44:40,094 --> 00:44:41,553 I'm 87! 915 00:44:41,595 --> 00:44:45,057 [audience laughs] 916 00:44:45,099 --> 00:44:48,018 [laughs] 917 00:44:48,060 --> 00:44:49,269 Actually, you know what? 918 00:44:49,311 --> 00:44:51,522 I was, I was taught that it's impolite 919 00:44:51,563 --> 00:44:53,816 to ask a woman her age, right? 920 00:44:53,857 --> 00:44:54,858 But it happens. 921 00:44:54,900 --> 00:44:58,028 So now whenever a man asks me how old I am, 922 00:44:58,070 --> 00:45:00,531 I ask him if he's good in bed. 923 00:45:00,572 --> 00:45:03,283 [audience laughs] 924 00:45:03,325 --> 00:45:06,161 See, that way we both know we're about to lie. 925 00:45:06,203 --> 00:45:08,580 [audience laughs] 926 00:45:12,751 --> 00:45:14,920 You know what, how about, how about this? 927 00:45:14,962 --> 00:45:17,506 How about, because it really tells you nothing 928 00:45:17,548 --> 00:45:22,469 substantive about who I am regarding age. 929 00:45:22,511 --> 00:45:26,140 I just say I'm a seasoned woman. 930 00:45:26,181 --> 00:45:29,560 [audience cheering] 931 00:45:29,601 --> 00:45:33,105 Which basically means I'm delicious. 932 00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:35,315 [audience laughs] 933 00:45:38,068 --> 00:45:40,571 And I'm probably gonna raise your blood pressure. 934 00:45:40,612 --> 00:45:42,990 [audience laughs] 935 00:45:45,826 --> 00:45:47,327 Real talk though. Real talk. 936 00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:49,621 I don't, I don't like sharing my age 937 00:45:49,663 --> 00:45:52,374 because I feel like it gives people another way 938 00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:55,377 to discriminate against me. Right? 939 00:45:55,419 --> 00:45:58,797 Like I got the hang of racism and sexism, I got that. 940 00:45:58,839 --> 00:46:03,051 Now you throw in ageism, now I'm Trinity in the Matrix. 941 00:46:03,093 --> 00:46:06,346 [audience laughs] 942 00:46:06,388 --> 00:46:10,267 And I just took the red pill, right? 943 00:46:10,309 --> 00:46:12,311 I mean, one of my biggest fears is 944 00:46:12,352 --> 00:46:14,062 that I will be brutally murdered. 945 00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:17,816 It will make the news. And they will say my age. 946 00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:22,112 Leighann Lord, 87. 947 00:46:22,154 --> 00:46:24,281 [audience laughs] 948 00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:26,617 So it's not bad enough that I'm dead. 949 00:46:26,658 --> 00:46:27,868 But now the whole world knows 950 00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,329 that I am four score and seven. 951 00:46:32,331 --> 00:46:34,124 Thank you, Anderson Cooper. 952 00:46:34,166 --> 00:46:36,335 [audience laughs] 953 00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:41,924 That's a lot of self-esteem, right? 954 00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:46,011 To think that my murder will make CNN primetime? 955 00:46:47,846 --> 00:46:50,182 Shout out to my vision board. 956 00:46:50,224 --> 00:46:53,060 [audience laughs] 957 00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:54,895 [laughs] 958 00:46:56,146 --> 00:46:58,732 I got to tell y'all, according to my vision board, 959 00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:02,569 tomorrow me is amazing. 960 00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:04,363 All right, she gonna get up early. 961 00:47:04,404 --> 00:47:06,281 She gon' eat right. 962 00:47:06,323 --> 00:47:08,784 She gon' exercise 963 00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:11,328 and be married to Jason Momoa. 964 00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:13,705 [audience cheering] 965 00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:17,626 And you know what? 966 00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:21,713 If, if anyone in here doesn't know who Jason Momoa is, 967 00:47:21,755 --> 00:47:24,758 let, let me fill that void in your life. 968 00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:30,180 Jason Momoa is the actor who played Aquaman. 969 00:47:30,222 --> 00:47:31,640 [audience cheers] 970 00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:34,226 Yeah, yes, even the men are moist now. 971 00:47:34,268 --> 00:47:36,436 [audience laughs] 972 00:47:39,773 --> 00:47:43,610 I saw the movie and I was a little confused 973 00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:48,407 because somebody told me that Aquaman had a plot. 974 00:47:48,448 --> 00:47:50,784 [audience laughs] 975 00:47:57,291 --> 00:47:59,084 I don't remember that. 976 00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:02,004 [audience laughs] 977 00:48:02,045 --> 00:48:06,800 I remember Jason Momoa came on screen, 978 00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:11,263 two hours and 22 minutes later, I knew how to swim. 979 00:48:11,305 --> 00:48:13,473 [audience laughs] 980 00:48:17,769 --> 00:48:22,900 Now I, I really wasn't into the whole superhero thing 981 00:48:22,941 --> 00:48:25,485 until I saw Black Panther. 982 00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:29,072 [audience cheering] 983 00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:34,077 Y'all, I saw Black Panther opening weekend. 984 00:48:34,119 --> 00:48:38,707 And I had not seen that many happy Black people 985 00:48:38,749 --> 00:48:43,420 in one place since election day, 2008. 986 00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:45,797 [audience cheering] 987 00:48:52,971 --> 00:48:57,225 The line, the line to get into the theater was so long. 988 00:48:57,267 --> 00:48:58,393 I got excited. 989 00:48:58,435 --> 00:49:01,313 I was like, are we voting? What? 990 00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:11,448 One of my, one of my favorite lines from Black Panther is, 991 00:49:11,490 --> 00:49:15,285 "Be silent, colonizer." 992 00:49:15,327 --> 00:49:16,745 [audience] Ooh. 993 00:49:16,787 --> 00:49:20,290 That's how I be getting through these Zoom meetings. 994 00:49:20,332 --> 00:49:22,501 [audience laughs] 995 00:49:27,172 --> 00:49:30,467 And that's how you teach critical race theory. 996 00:49:30,509 --> 00:49:32,844 [audience laughs] 997 00:49:35,722 --> 00:49:40,852 But my, my favorite superhero movie is Harriet. 998 00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:44,523 Yes, the movie about Harriet Tubman. 999 00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:45,607 Yes. 1000 00:49:45,649 --> 00:49:47,526 [audience claps] 1001 00:49:47,567 --> 00:49:49,945 And I'll tell you the part of the film that, 1002 00:49:49,987 --> 00:49:53,490 that really moved me, is when she escapes, 1003 00:49:53,532 --> 00:49:56,159 she's free, she goes back home 1004 00:49:56,201 --> 00:49:58,829 one year later to rescue her husband 1005 00:49:58,870 --> 00:50:03,375 and finds that he is already married to another woman. 1006 00:50:04,501 --> 00:50:08,130 Now to her credit, she took it well. 1007 00:50:08,171 --> 00:50:09,381 I did not. 1008 00:50:09,423 --> 00:50:11,591 [audience laughs] 1009 00:50:13,927 --> 00:50:16,513 Because I was like, if that had happened to Harriet Tubman, 1010 00:50:16,555 --> 00:50:19,558 that could happen to me. 1011 00:50:19,599 --> 00:50:20,892 I leave. I come back. 1012 00:50:20,934 --> 00:50:22,561 He's married. Talkin' 'bout, 1013 00:50:22,602 --> 00:50:23,979 "Baby, I didn't know where you went. 1014 00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:26,982 I didn't know how long you'd be gone." 1015 00:50:27,024 --> 00:50:29,568 Motherfucker, I went to work. 1016 00:50:29,609 --> 00:50:31,945 [audience laughs] 1017 00:50:38,660 --> 00:50:41,413 I left this morning. 1018 00:50:41,455 --> 00:50:43,623 [audience laughs] 1019 00:50:47,502 --> 00:50:48,962 I have to tell you guys, 1020 00:50:49,004 --> 00:50:51,673 I was incredibly thrilled 1021 00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:55,927 and honored to be invited to do this show. 1022 00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:58,305 [audience applauds] 1023 00:51:01,850 --> 00:51:06,980 Because women, we are, we are 52% of the population. 1024 00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:12,652 Right? But we only make 85 cents on the dollar. 1025 00:51:12,694 --> 00:51:15,238 That's why I don't feel bad about shoplifting. 1026 00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,449 [audience laughs] 1027 00:51:21,161 --> 00:51:23,955 Now Black women, we only make 1028 00:51:23,997 --> 00:51:26,500 65 cents on the dollar. 1029 00:51:26,541 --> 00:51:27,751 Right? Right. 1030 00:51:27,793 --> 00:51:30,212 So that means if I told a joke that you didn't like, 1031 00:51:30,253 --> 00:51:33,423 that's 'cause I only wrote 65% of it. 1032 00:51:33,465 --> 00:51:36,218 [audience laughs] 1033 00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:40,597 Now I know 65%, that doesn't sound too bad, right? 1034 00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:43,350 But in, in fairy tale terms, 1035 00:51:43,391 --> 00:51:47,270 that's Snow White and the Four and a Half Dwarfs. 1036 00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:49,523 [audience laughs] 1037 00:51:49,564 --> 00:51:52,400 That is insufficient. 1038 00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:55,570 I need a full set of Dwarfs. 1039 00:51:55,612 --> 00:51:58,740 Yes. One for each appendage. 1040 00:51:58,782 --> 00:52:01,576 Like Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Doc, 1041 00:52:01,618 --> 00:52:05,956 Sleepy, Sneezy... Bashful. 1042 00:52:05,997 --> 00:52:08,375 [audience laughs] 1043 00:52:13,004 --> 00:52:15,632 Stop crying, Bashful. You know what it is. 1044 00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,009 [audience laughs] 1045 00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:24,099 But I wanna, I want to ask y'all a question before I go. 1046 00:52:24,141 --> 00:52:26,059 By round of applause, round of applause, 1047 00:52:26,101 --> 00:52:29,771 how many of you here would agree that time is money? 1048 00:52:29,813 --> 00:52:31,690 Applaud if you believe time is money. 1049 00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:34,067 [audience applauds] 1050 00:52:36,611 --> 00:52:39,364 So then I have a proposal. 1051 00:52:39,406 --> 00:52:41,158 [audience laughs] 1052 00:52:41,199 --> 00:52:45,620 If they're not going to pay me all my money on the dollar, 1053 00:52:45,662 --> 00:52:49,833 then I have to take back my time, right? 1054 00:52:49,875 --> 00:52:52,127 So that 12-hour shift is now eight, 1055 00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:53,795 nine to five is nine to two, 1056 00:52:53,837 --> 00:52:57,382 and my weekend starts on Wednesday. 1057 00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:59,593 [audience applauds] 1058 00:53:04,723 --> 00:53:06,725 All those in favor, say aye. 1059 00:53:06,766 --> 00:53:08,185 [audience] Aye! 1060 00:53:08,226 --> 00:53:10,020 The ayes have it. The motion carries. 1061 00:53:10,061 --> 00:53:12,647 And the Senator from Wakanda reclaims her time. 1062 00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:16,526 Thank you. Good night. 1063 00:53:16,568 --> 00:53:19,487 [audience applauds] 1064 00:53:19,529 --> 00:53:21,698 [audience cheers] 1065 00:53:24,242 --> 00:53:27,746 So I'm in Dyersburg, Tennessee, at a place called Checkers. 1066 00:53:27,787 --> 00:53:30,373 And had advertised me as XXX. 1067 00:53:30,415 --> 00:53:33,210 So I got a guy in the front row and he just keeps saying, 1068 00:53:33,251 --> 00:53:36,296 "Are you ever taking your clothes off?" 1069 00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:39,090 Because he thought it was like comedy strip show 1070 00:53:39,132 --> 00:53:40,383 'cause of the XXX. 1071 00:53:40,425 --> 00:53:41,343 -Oh no. -Yeah. 1072 00:53:41,384 --> 00:53:42,969 And I just looked at him. I said, "Dude," 1073 00:53:43,011 --> 00:53:44,137 I was much heavier, I said, 1074 00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:46,097 "If I spin around a pole, I'll strike oil, 1075 00:53:46,139 --> 00:53:47,432 ya dumb bastard." 1076 00:53:47,474 --> 00:53:48,808 [laughs] 1077 00:53:48,850 --> 00:53:51,269 [audience cheering] 1078 00:53:55,357 --> 00:53:58,443 Wow, thank you! What a great response! 1079 00:53:59,319 --> 00:54:02,697 I only know one way to respond to that. 1080 00:54:02,739 --> 00:54:04,449 [audience laughs] 1081 00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:06,159 Thank you! 1082 00:54:06,201 --> 00:54:08,161 Well, first of all, I'm delighted to be here. 1083 00:54:08,203 --> 00:54:09,955 I'm delighted to be out 1084 00:54:09,996 --> 00:54:13,583 because I've been locked up for 14 months with no wiener. 1085 00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:14,918 [audience laughs] 1086 00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:17,462 I've been alone in my house for 14 months. 1087 00:54:17,504 --> 00:54:18,463 It's been amazing. 1088 00:54:18,505 --> 00:54:20,757 In fact, I'm pretty sure my hymen's grown back. 1089 00:54:20,799 --> 00:54:23,134 [audience laughs] 1090 00:54:23,176 --> 00:54:24,844 Right before a lockdown, you know what I had? 1091 00:54:24,886 --> 00:54:26,763 The hang and bang. The hang and bang. 1092 00:54:26,805 --> 00:54:29,182 Dick, Netflix and some breakfast burritos. 1093 00:54:29,224 --> 00:54:30,725 That was it. Right? 1094 00:54:30,767 --> 00:54:32,143 'Cause I was dating little dudes. 1095 00:54:32,185 --> 00:54:36,147 So I gotta be honest with you, that you know, 1096 00:54:36,189 --> 00:54:40,443 when you date much younger people as a woman, 1097 00:54:40,485 --> 00:54:42,070 it's not fun. 1098 00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:44,364 Because for women, sex is mental. 1099 00:54:44,406 --> 00:54:48,159 You want to get into our bed, you got to get into our head. 1100 00:54:48,201 --> 00:54:52,247 You got to smell nice. You got to dress good. 1101 00:54:52,289 --> 00:54:54,124 You got to play good music. 1102 00:54:54,165 --> 00:54:56,167 Little dudes don't do that. 1103 00:54:56,209 --> 00:54:57,836 They don't, you know what they think they do? 1104 00:54:57,877 --> 00:55:00,005 They get manscaped. I don't want to see that. 1105 00:55:00,046 --> 00:55:03,174 All shaved down there like a little baby bird. 1106 00:55:03,216 --> 00:55:04,217 [imitates baby bird] 1107 00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:06,720 I don't want to see that. 1108 00:55:06,761 --> 00:55:08,596 I want to see a man, a real man. 1109 00:55:08,638 --> 00:55:10,056 You're a man. 1110 00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:11,683 I'm not flirting, but he's age appropriate. 1111 00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:13,310 You know what I mean? Yeah. 1112 00:55:13,351 --> 00:55:15,270 But I'm a woman of a certain age. 1113 00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:16,855 I want, you're in man pants. 1114 00:55:16,896 --> 00:55:18,398 You're in pants with a fly and a button. 1115 00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:20,108 You're not sitting there in jeggings. 1116 00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,402 A little moose knuckle. No, you're a grown-ass man. 1117 00:55:22,444 --> 00:55:24,696 They can fix shit. You got tools, don't you? 1118 00:55:24,738 --> 00:55:26,281 You got tools. Look at him. 1119 00:55:26,323 --> 00:55:28,825 He's like, yeah. I'm moist as a Bundt cake. 1120 00:55:28,867 --> 00:55:32,412 I'm not flirting, but that's so sexy. 1121 00:55:32,454 --> 00:55:33,580 Sexy! 1122 00:55:33,621 --> 00:55:35,707 I'm looking at you, little dude, not interested. 1123 00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:37,042 You know what I mean? 1124 00:55:37,083 --> 00:55:38,585 You're cute. You're cute. 1125 00:55:38,626 --> 00:55:41,546 You know what's good about dating a guy like him? 1126 00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,465 You don't have to break up with him, you don't. 1127 00:55:43,506 --> 00:55:46,176 You just stop buying groceries. You know what I mean? 1128 00:55:46,217 --> 00:55:48,636 They're like giant entitled raccoons. 1129 00:55:48,678 --> 00:55:49,888 Who needs that? 1130 00:55:49,929 --> 00:55:51,514 I want a real man. 1131 00:55:51,556 --> 00:55:54,559 I want to-- I think I dated young, strong, virile men 1132 00:55:54,601 --> 00:55:58,063 because I thought that that was accomplishment, success. 1133 00:55:58,104 --> 00:56:00,732 That you could protect me, but it's not. 1134 00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:02,817 I want spiritual success. 1135 00:56:02,859 --> 00:56:04,778 I want real accomplishment. 1136 00:56:04,819 --> 00:56:07,447 Saggy balls. I want saggy balls. 1137 00:56:08,615 --> 00:56:10,408 That's wisdom, my man. 1138 00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:12,869 It's like rings on a tree, baby. 1139 00:56:12,911 --> 00:56:16,289 [audience laughs] 1140 00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:19,793 I believe in like envisioning what you want, 1141 00:56:19,834 --> 00:56:20,794 deciding what you want. 1142 00:56:20,835 --> 00:56:23,296 I've given him a name. Larry. 1143 00:56:23,338 --> 00:56:25,256 You know with like a little Jew fro, 1144 00:56:25,298 --> 00:56:28,885 maybe like a bald spot in the back he covers with hairspray. 1145 00:56:28,927 --> 00:56:32,138 The universe loves specificity. 1146 00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:34,182 The Larr Bear. 1147 00:56:34,224 --> 00:56:36,935 He golfs. Maybe he's got a black Tesla. 1148 00:56:36,976 --> 00:56:38,395 You know what I mean? 1149 00:56:38,436 --> 00:56:39,979 You know those guys, those little wiry fucks. 1150 00:56:40,021 --> 00:56:41,272 You know those little wiry, hairy guys 1151 00:56:41,314 --> 00:56:42,774 that looked like they were like dipped in glue 1152 00:56:42,816 --> 00:56:43,858 and rolled in pubes. 1153 00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:46,736 You know those guys. I want that guy. 1154 00:56:46,778 --> 00:56:49,364 [audience laughs] 1155 00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:51,324 I've had a lot of time to think about this. 1156 00:56:51,366 --> 00:56:52,700 I've been alone 14 months. 1157 00:56:52,742 --> 00:56:53,952 I'm like a free range chicken. 1158 00:56:53,993 --> 00:56:55,745 I just let everything go. 1159 00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:57,497 My hair grew out. Fuck it. 1160 00:56:57,539 --> 00:57:00,166 That's what brown magic marker's for, I don't care. 1161 00:57:00,208 --> 00:57:01,251 Yeah. My little waxer. 1162 00:57:01,292 --> 00:57:03,002 I don't miss that little bitch. 1163 00:57:03,044 --> 00:57:04,796 Ripping my pubes out from the roots. 1164 00:57:04,838 --> 00:57:06,965 Fuck her. I'm not going back. 1165 00:57:07,006 --> 00:57:08,883 I look like I have Colin Kaepernick 1166 00:57:08,925 --> 00:57:09,884 in a thigh lock. 1167 00:57:09,926 --> 00:57:12,929 I'm not-- I don't care! 1168 00:57:12,971 --> 00:57:14,931 [audience laughs] 1169 00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:16,683 I don't care. 1170 00:57:18,643 --> 00:57:21,855 No, I'll take some scissors to it soon. 1171 00:57:21,896 --> 00:57:23,481 You know what I mean? 1172 00:57:23,523 --> 00:57:26,067 And then I'm going analog. I'm going BIC razor and Nair, 1173 00:57:26,109 --> 00:57:29,779 and who wears short shorts, but I'm not ready yet. 1174 00:57:29,821 --> 00:57:30,947 It was like feng shui. 1175 00:57:30,989 --> 00:57:32,282 If you build it, they will come. 1176 00:57:32,323 --> 00:57:34,492 You know what I mean? Like I'm not ready yet. 1177 00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:36,786 I'm gearing up for the Larr Bear. 1178 00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:38,288 [audience laughs] 1179 00:57:38,329 --> 00:57:39,706 I'm excited about-- I believe in this stuff. 1180 00:57:39,747 --> 00:57:41,082 I believe in manifesting. 1181 00:57:41,124 --> 00:57:43,209 And I've had a lot of time to CSI my life. 1182 00:57:43,251 --> 00:57:45,336 Yeah, I've been married and divorced three times. 1183 00:57:45,378 --> 00:57:47,046 Fuck it. I don't care. 1184 00:57:47,088 --> 00:57:48,923 There's no shame in my game. 1185 00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:50,425 It's better to be divorced 1186 00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:53,344 than plotting someone's death in their sleep, okay? 1187 00:57:53,386 --> 00:57:55,138 That's true. 'Cause the little dudes, 1188 00:57:55,180 --> 00:57:57,474 it's different because it's not fulfilling. 1189 00:57:57,515 --> 00:57:59,434 Because for women, like I said before, 1190 00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:03,354 sex is mental and we have different types of the Big O 1191 00:58:03,396 --> 00:58:06,399 and it's been so long since I've had like a big, Big O. 1192 00:58:06,441 --> 00:58:07,942 Am I embarrassing you? 1193 00:58:07,984 --> 00:58:08,902 [audience laughs] 1194 00:58:08,943 --> 00:58:10,361 No, because you don't, 1195 00:58:10,403 --> 00:58:11,696 you don't even know what I'm talking about. 1196 00:58:11,738 --> 00:58:13,031 [audience laughs] 1197 00:58:13,072 --> 00:58:16,159 That's why you're not embarrassed. 1198 00:58:16,201 --> 00:58:17,535 No, I thought about it. I thought about it. 1199 00:58:17,577 --> 00:58:20,038 Like, like men have one type of the Big O. 1200 00:58:20,079 --> 00:58:21,456 It's just like a sneeze, 1201 00:58:21,498 --> 00:58:23,708 like a delicious ahh-choo, like that. 1202 00:58:23,750 --> 00:58:25,919 [audience laughs] 1203 00:58:29,881 --> 00:58:31,466 I love the way women laugh. 1204 00:58:31,508 --> 00:58:34,010 Like, "Tell them, Monique, tell them! 1205 00:58:34,052 --> 00:58:35,887 Tell them!" 1206 00:58:38,681 --> 00:58:41,434 Women get dicky drunk. You know, women. 1207 00:58:41,476 --> 00:58:43,061 We do, we get dicky drunk. 1208 00:58:43,102 --> 00:58:45,104 We get, we get drunk from the wiener. 1209 00:58:45,146 --> 00:58:46,940 When you have, 1210 00:58:46,981 --> 00:58:49,192 when you have one Big O, you know, 1211 00:58:49,234 --> 00:58:50,527 first of all, you know how you know 1212 00:58:50,568 --> 00:58:52,362 that it was like the one big one? 1213 00:58:52,403 --> 00:58:54,614 She giggles when she's done. 1214 00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:56,908 She goes, "hee hee," like that. 1215 00:58:56,950 --> 00:58:59,077 [audience laughs] 1216 00:58:59,118 --> 00:59:00,995 And then we get out of bed and we like wobble. 1217 00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:02,372 Not just 'cause our knees are weak, 1218 00:59:02,413 --> 00:59:04,582 but because we're under the influence 1219 00:59:04,624 --> 00:59:08,586 of an entire experience of you trying to make us happy. 1220 00:59:08,628 --> 00:59:12,006 When we run into a door that's been there for ten years. 1221 00:59:12,048 --> 00:59:14,425 [audience laughs] 1222 00:59:16,511 --> 00:59:18,012 Someone with a lump on her head 1223 00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:20,056 right there in the front row. 1224 00:59:20,098 --> 00:59:22,392 Amen. Can I get a witness? 1225 00:59:22,433 --> 00:59:24,394 Yeah. Yeah! 1226 00:59:24,435 --> 00:59:27,355 That never happened with the little dudes. 1227 00:59:27,397 --> 00:59:29,399 Never happened with the little dudes. 1228 00:59:29,440 --> 00:59:31,901 And you can't train them. It takes too long. 1229 00:59:31,943 --> 00:59:32,986 [audience laughs] 1230 00:59:33,027 --> 00:59:34,445 And I tell my nieces this. 1231 00:59:34,487 --> 00:59:35,863 I have little nieces, little bitches. 1232 00:59:35,905 --> 00:59:37,031 I love them. 1233 00:59:37,073 --> 00:59:38,324 No, I love them. 1234 00:59:38,366 --> 00:59:40,660 But I call him that sometimes because they make me feel old. 1235 00:59:40,702 --> 00:59:42,120 My, my nieces, they come up to me. 1236 00:59:42,161 --> 00:59:43,496 They go, "Auntie Monique, 1237 00:59:43,538 --> 00:59:45,915 tell us what it was like in the 1900s." 1238 00:59:45,957 --> 00:59:47,375 [audience laughs] 1239 00:59:47,417 --> 00:59:49,794 Like it's fuckin' Downton Abbey and me, 1240 00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:52,380 you know what I mean? 1241 00:59:52,422 --> 00:59:53,590 But I want them to learn things 1242 00:59:53,631 --> 00:59:56,801 because it doesn't matter if it's a career 1243 00:59:56,843 --> 01:00:00,221 or even just a job, or a relationship, or sex, 1244 01:00:00,263 --> 01:00:04,017 whatever it is, we've lost our ability 1245 01:00:04,058 --> 01:00:08,104 to appreciate deferred gratification. 1246 01:00:08,146 --> 01:00:10,189 That we can't get what we want 1247 01:00:10,231 --> 01:00:12,859 in the exact second that we want it. 1248 01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:15,528 And life was sweeter when you had to wait for things. 1249 01:00:15,570 --> 01:00:17,071 I tell them about layaway. 1250 01:00:17,113 --> 01:00:18,156 They thought it was a dating app. 1251 01:00:18,197 --> 01:00:20,617 [audience laughs] 1252 01:00:25,538 --> 01:00:28,416 But I tell them things that they need to know how fortunate 1253 01:00:28,458 --> 01:00:31,210 they are to live in a world of miracles, you know? 1254 01:00:31,252 --> 01:00:33,129 They love my mom. They call her Abuelita. 1255 01:00:33,171 --> 01:00:35,381 They go, "Abuelita's so sweet. 1256 01:00:35,423 --> 01:00:36,758 "Abuelita bought me a device. 1257 01:00:36,799 --> 01:00:38,801 Abuelita did this. Abuelita did that." 1258 01:00:38,843 --> 01:00:40,386 I go, "You want me to tell you a secret about Abuelita?" 1259 01:00:40,428 --> 01:00:41,679 They're like, "Yeah." 1260 01:00:41,721 --> 01:00:43,931 I go, "She used to beat me in grocery stores." 1261 01:00:43,973 --> 01:00:45,558 [audience laughs] 1262 01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:47,435 I just like to throw them off. Remember that? 1263 01:00:47,477 --> 01:00:49,520 Remember when you could hit your kids? 1264 01:00:49,562 --> 01:00:51,147 My nieces have never been spanked. 1265 01:00:51,189 --> 01:00:52,398 They have no idea what it is 1266 01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:54,150 to take a beat down in the produce department. 1267 01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:55,652 [audience laughs] 1268 01:00:55,693 --> 01:00:57,987 Nobody takes pictures or calls CPS. 1269 01:00:58,029 --> 01:01:00,114 Hell no. They don't do that. 1270 01:01:00,156 --> 01:01:02,367 They join in in the beat down. 1271 01:01:02,408 --> 01:01:03,868 They're like, "I heard what that kid said. 1272 01:01:03,910 --> 01:01:06,120 That's a lippy little bitch. Hit her harder." 1273 01:01:06,162 --> 01:01:08,122 [audience laughs] 1274 01:01:08,164 --> 01:01:09,916 But I digress. 1275 01:01:12,168 --> 01:01:13,961 They love music. We love music. 1276 01:01:14,003 --> 01:01:15,421 We share a love of music. 1277 01:01:15,463 --> 01:01:17,507 They're so adorable because I'm trying 1278 01:01:17,548 --> 01:01:19,509 to make like a, like a mixtape, 1279 01:01:19,550 --> 01:01:21,177 like what they call them, a playlist. 1280 01:01:21,219 --> 01:01:23,888 Now it's a playlist. 1281 01:01:23,930 --> 01:01:25,390 Playlist, you know? 1282 01:01:25,431 --> 01:01:27,475 'Cause I like putting it out there to the universe 1283 01:01:27,517 --> 01:01:31,312 that I'm making a Larr Bear love tape. 1284 01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:33,231 It's hard. It's hard, 'cause all the people 1285 01:01:33,272 --> 01:01:35,233 that I used to like to hump to are dead. 1286 01:01:35,274 --> 01:01:36,776 [audience laughs] 1287 01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:38,236 It's true. 1288 01:01:38,277 --> 01:01:39,821 I got used to Marvin Gaye of course, but you know, 1289 01:01:39,862 --> 01:01:41,739 everybody went down, you know, Prince, Michael Jackson, 1290 01:01:41,781 --> 01:01:43,950 Donna Summer, Natalie Cole, it just keeps going. 1291 01:01:43,991 --> 01:01:47,203 George Michael, bam, bam, Luther Vandross, bam. 1292 01:01:47,245 --> 01:01:48,746 And my little nieces are like, 1293 01:01:48,788 --> 01:01:50,373 "Well you can, you can do it to Ed Sheeran." 1294 01:01:50,415 --> 01:01:52,625 No, you can't, he's a little redheaded Muppet. 1295 01:01:52,667 --> 01:01:54,043 I can't have sex to him. 1296 01:01:54,085 --> 01:01:56,254 [audience laughs] 1297 01:01:59,257 --> 01:02:01,551 Sexy. [laughs] 1298 01:02:01,592 --> 01:02:03,845 But we talk a lot about music. We do. 1299 01:02:03,886 --> 01:02:06,597 That's where we, you find the commonality. 1300 01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:09,642 You find the things you both love, you find touch points, 1301 01:02:09,684 --> 01:02:12,687 and then you can have real conversations with people. 1302 01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:14,272 And I find that my nieces and I, 1303 01:02:14,313 --> 01:02:16,232 we can always unite over music. 1304 01:02:16,274 --> 01:02:18,359 So I, I talked to them a lot 1305 01:02:18,401 --> 01:02:20,486 about how much it used to mean to me 1306 01:02:20,528 --> 01:02:22,697 to put together mixtapes. 1307 01:02:22,739 --> 01:02:24,365 And they're like, "How does that work? 1308 01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:27,076 We've heard of the mixtapes from the 1900s." 1309 01:02:27,118 --> 01:02:29,370 [audience laughs] 1310 01:02:29,412 --> 01:02:32,707 I said, "Well, well, little sweethearts. 1311 01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:37,003 We used to listen to music on a radio. 1312 01:02:37,044 --> 01:02:39,881 That's a box with two metal sticks sticking out." 1313 01:02:39,922 --> 01:02:43,634 And they know like download speeds and coverage and 5G. 1314 01:02:43,676 --> 01:02:46,095 I'm like, "Oh no, the radio didn't even work 1315 01:02:46,137 --> 01:02:47,305 in every room in the house." 1316 01:02:47,346 --> 01:02:48,765 [audience laughs] 1317 01:02:48,806 --> 01:02:50,808 You had to unplug it and move it around 1318 01:02:50,850 --> 01:02:54,604 and whatever room you left it there and turned it up loud. 1319 01:02:54,645 --> 01:02:56,189 And no matter what you were doing, 1320 01:02:56,230 --> 01:02:57,690 you would listen with half an ear. 1321 01:02:57,732 --> 01:02:59,901 And the DJ would say, "Coming up next, 1322 01:02:59,942 --> 01:03:02,236 Salisbury Hill by Peter Gabriel," 1323 01:03:02,278 --> 01:03:04,864 and you would haul ass to your bedroom 1324 01:03:04,906 --> 01:03:09,619 and you would grab your Radio Shack recorder 1325 01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:12,371 and back it up to the speaker. 1326 01:03:12,413 --> 01:03:13,873 And then you would just wait, 1327 01:03:13,915 --> 01:03:17,335 hovering like a bird of prey with your two fingers. 1328 01:03:17,376 --> 01:03:19,921 [audience laughs] 1329 01:03:19,962 --> 01:03:23,382 Hoping the DJ would shut the fuck up. 1330 01:03:25,134 --> 01:03:28,596 Right now in my apartment in Hollyweird, California, 1331 01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:32,517 I have a box of mixtapes from '84 to '88. 1332 01:03:32,558 --> 01:03:35,853 And I say, Hollyweird, 'cause even though I've lived here 1333 01:03:35,895 --> 01:03:38,856 since 1996, I'm originally from Miami, Florida. 1334 01:03:38,898 --> 01:03:42,026 And by the way, I'm 100% Latina. 1335 01:03:42,068 --> 01:03:43,444 [audience cheers] 1336 01:03:43,486 --> 01:03:45,530 So if you have any stereotypes about Latinos, I know, 1337 01:03:45,571 --> 01:03:47,573 I know, I look like a middle-aged white woman 1338 01:03:47,615 --> 01:03:50,201 with good credit, but I'll shank a bitch, I don't care. 1339 01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:51,118 [audience laughs] 1340 01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:52,537 I will. If I have to. 1341 01:03:52,578 --> 01:03:54,372 But in my apartment in Hollywood, 1342 01:03:54,413 --> 01:03:58,000 I have a box of mixtapes and it's pretty amazing. 1343 01:03:58,042 --> 01:04:00,711 It brings back so many memories of making them. 1344 01:04:00,753 --> 01:04:04,674 But I have a 90-minute miracle I made in the summer of 1986. 1345 01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:06,425 That one really took some time. 1346 01:04:06,467 --> 01:04:08,386 And, and it starts with Jungle Love 1347 01:04:08,427 --> 01:04:09,929 by Steve Miller Band. 1348 01:04:09,971 --> 01:04:12,515 Yeah, that's a jam. That's a jam. 1349 01:04:12,557 --> 01:04:14,642 I met you on somebody's island 1350 01:04:14,684 --> 01:04:17,395 That's a line, "I met you on somebody's island." 1351 01:04:17,436 --> 01:04:19,230 That's some sexy shit! 1352 01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:20,648 [audience laughs] 1353 01:04:20,690 --> 01:04:22,358 What would the kids say now? 1354 01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:24,861 I swiped left and we hooked up at Pinkberry. 1355 01:04:24,902 --> 01:04:27,071 Like what kind of song is that? 1356 01:04:27,113 --> 01:04:29,490 [audience laughs] 1357 01:04:29,532 --> 01:04:31,617 "I met you on somebody's island. 1358 01:04:31,659 --> 01:04:33,619 I thought I had known you before." 1359 01:04:33,661 --> 01:04:34,829 That's sexy. 1360 01:04:34,871 --> 01:04:37,707 "I brought you a crate of papayas." 1361 01:04:37,748 --> 01:04:39,000 [audience laughs] 1362 01:04:39,041 --> 01:04:40,209 Have you ever had a papaya, little dude? 1363 01:04:40,251 --> 01:04:41,919 [audience laughs] 1364 01:04:41,961 --> 01:04:44,547 That's some delicious shit right there, delicious. 1365 01:04:44,589 --> 01:04:48,134 If you did that now, a girl be like, "Crate of papayas? 1366 01:04:48,175 --> 01:04:49,510 That's a creeper move. 1367 01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:52,513 You left me fruit on my front porch? 1368 01:04:52,555 --> 01:04:55,308 Ya freak. 1369 01:04:55,349 --> 01:04:57,935 Are they non-GMO papayas? 1370 01:05:01,230 --> 01:05:02,481 Organic?" 1371 01:05:04,275 --> 01:05:05,693 I hope I meet the Larr Bear 1372 01:05:05,735 --> 01:05:08,237 and he brings me a crate of papayas. 1373 01:05:08,279 --> 01:05:09,238 [audience laughs] 1374 01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:10,781 In his black Tesla. 1375 01:05:10,823 --> 01:05:13,659 I'm telling you I've got it down, I've got it down. 1376 01:05:13,701 --> 01:05:15,828 I can picture him. He's in a suit. 1377 01:05:15,870 --> 01:05:18,873 He's got on a shirt with some white chest hair sticking out. 1378 01:05:18,915 --> 01:05:20,791 You know what I mean? Like that. 1379 01:05:20,833 --> 01:05:22,418 [audience laughs] 1380 01:05:22,460 --> 01:05:25,421 It's true, I want a grown man in man pants 1381 01:05:25,463 --> 01:05:27,089 that's not manscaped. 1382 01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:29,717 When he drops trou, I want it to look like a buzzard 1383 01:05:29,759 --> 01:05:32,303 hanging out of his nest on a cliff wall. 1384 01:05:32,345 --> 01:05:34,513 [audience laughs] 1385 01:05:37,558 --> 01:05:39,477 You're picturing it right now. 1386 01:05:39,518 --> 01:05:41,938 [audience laughs] 1387 01:05:44,273 --> 01:05:45,608 But I'm going to leave you 1388 01:05:45,650 --> 01:05:47,652 with my three best pieces of advice. 1389 01:05:47,693 --> 01:05:49,946 After more than 50 years on this planet. 1390 01:05:49,987 --> 01:05:52,323 And I've really had a lot of time to think about it, 1391 01:05:52,365 --> 01:05:55,034 14 months all by myself. 1392 01:05:55,076 --> 01:05:57,286 And this is what it comes down to. 1393 01:05:57,328 --> 01:05:59,872 Number one, love hard. 1394 01:05:59,914 --> 01:06:01,791 Your heart is a muscle. 1395 01:06:01,832 --> 01:06:03,709 Even if you're loving the wrong person, 1396 01:06:03,751 --> 01:06:06,128 consider it cardio for your spirit. 1397 01:06:06,170 --> 01:06:08,172 [audience laughs] 1398 01:06:08,214 --> 01:06:10,758 I got news for you, you're never loving the wrong person. 1399 01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:13,844 You're just preparing for the righter person. 1400 01:06:13,886 --> 01:06:16,305 [audience cheers] 1401 01:06:16,347 --> 01:06:19,684 If anybody knows the Larr Bear, 1402 01:06:19,725 --> 01:06:21,978 you know, little Jew fro. 1403 01:06:22,019 --> 01:06:24,563 Number two, forgive harder, because when you forgive, 1404 01:06:24,605 --> 01:06:26,732 all your power comes back to you. 1405 01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:28,526 And one of the things about the 'Rona 1406 01:06:28,567 --> 01:06:30,611 was I had a lot of time to reconnect with people. 1407 01:06:30,653 --> 01:06:32,154 And I know some of them were thinking, 1408 01:06:32,196 --> 01:06:34,699 "Did she forget that we had that fight in high school? 1409 01:06:34,740 --> 01:06:36,367 Is she up to some ninja revenge?" 1410 01:06:36,409 --> 01:06:37,785 No, I forgot. Forgive harder. 1411 01:06:37,827 --> 01:06:40,037 All your power comes back to you. 1412 01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:43,124 And number three, if we've learned anything, 1413 01:06:43,165 --> 01:06:46,502 get as happy as you can as fast as you can. 1414 01:06:46,544 --> 01:06:48,087 It's nobody's job, but yours. 1415 01:06:48,129 --> 01:06:50,256 Thank you. Good night. Bless you. 1416 01:06:50,297 --> 01:06:53,217 [audience cheering] 1417 01:06:53,259 --> 01:06:55,428 [audience applauding] 1418 01:06:59,306 --> 01:07:00,516 I mean, when I started, 1419 01:07:00,558 --> 01:07:02,977 they structured the show with a male headliner, 1420 01:07:03,019 --> 01:07:05,855 a host to MC, to open the show, 1421 01:07:05,896 --> 01:07:07,273 and a novelty act. 1422 01:07:07,314 --> 01:07:08,691 Ahh. 1423 01:07:08,733 --> 01:07:10,443 And the novelty act was either a juggler 1424 01:07:10,484 --> 01:07:12,987 or an impressionist or a woman. 1425 01:07:13,029 --> 01:07:14,989 Wow. We were considered novelty acts. 1426 01:07:15,031 --> 01:07:16,699 -How adorable. -Yeah. 1427 01:07:16,741 --> 01:07:18,534 I don't even know if it was conscious. 1428 01:07:18,576 --> 01:07:20,453 I just know that it happened. 1429 01:07:20,494 --> 01:07:21,620 Oh, wow. 1430 01:07:21,662 --> 01:07:24,040 [audience cheering] 1431 01:07:34,675 --> 01:07:36,052 Thank you. 1432 01:07:36,093 --> 01:07:37,470 Well, I guess that's my show. 1433 01:07:37,511 --> 01:07:40,014 Thank you. Good night. 1434 01:07:40,056 --> 01:07:43,267 Hi, my name is Marsha Warfield. 1435 01:07:43,309 --> 01:07:45,519 [audience cheering] 1436 01:07:45,561 --> 01:07:48,397 But you can call me Your Highness. 1437 01:07:48,439 --> 01:07:49,899 [audience laughs] 1438 01:07:49,940 --> 01:07:53,402 I'm so honored to be here with all my bitches. 1439 01:07:53,444 --> 01:07:56,322 [audience laughs] 1440 01:07:56,363 --> 01:07:58,240 Got my stable with me. 1441 01:07:58,282 --> 01:08:01,494 I am the senior member of this crew. 1442 01:08:01,535 --> 01:08:02,703 [audience cheering] 1443 01:08:02,745 --> 01:08:04,705 Yes I am. 1444 01:08:04,747 --> 01:08:08,626 I am the same age as Oprah Winfrey. 1445 01:08:09,960 --> 01:08:12,630 Yes I am. We were born a couple of years apart. 1446 01:08:12,671 --> 01:08:16,425 [audience laughs] 1447 01:08:16,467 --> 01:08:17,551 That's not true. 1448 01:08:17,593 --> 01:08:19,011 We were born a couple of months apart 1449 01:08:19,053 --> 01:08:23,182 in the year of Brown vs. The Board of Education. 1450 01:08:23,224 --> 01:08:26,852 So we grew up with the civil rights movement. 1451 01:08:26,894 --> 01:08:28,521 And it shapes your whole perspective. 1452 01:08:28,562 --> 01:08:29,772 It was on TV all the time. 1453 01:08:29,814 --> 01:08:31,732 It was part of dinnertime conversation. 1454 01:08:31,774 --> 01:08:33,275 It was in school. It was in church. 1455 01:08:33,317 --> 01:08:34,276 It was everywhere. 1456 01:08:34,318 --> 01:08:38,364 I still remember the slogans from back then. 1457 01:08:38,405 --> 01:08:40,991 Like, free at last. 1458 01:08:41,033 --> 01:08:44,078 We shall overcome. 1459 01:08:44,120 --> 01:08:45,996 Y'all gonna get us all killed. 1460 01:08:46,038 --> 01:08:48,374 [audience laughs] 1461 01:08:50,709 --> 01:08:53,462 Them white folks gon' be mad, you know. 1462 01:08:53,504 --> 01:08:56,924 [audience laughs] 1463 01:08:56,966 --> 01:08:59,552 But Oprah has famously said 1464 01:08:59,593 --> 01:09:03,347 that 60 is the new 30. 1465 01:09:03,389 --> 01:09:06,517 [audience cheering] 1466 01:09:06,559 --> 01:09:07,977 Oprah's a damn liar. 1467 01:09:08,018 --> 01:09:10,146 [audience laughs] 1468 01:09:10,187 --> 01:09:12,898 60's the same fucking 60 it's always been. 1469 01:09:12,940 --> 01:09:16,110 It's the number after 59. You can't get from 59 to 30. 1470 01:09:16,152 --> 01:09:18,445 That don't even make no fucking sense. 1471 01:09:18,487 --> 01:09:20,656 [audience laughs] 1472 01:09:23,576 --> 01:09:25,202 It makes you wonder, 1473 01:09:25,244 --> 01:09:28,664 how much money do you have to have 1474 01:09:28,706 --> 01:09:30,499 to get your own math? 1475 01:09:30,541 --> 01:09:32,710 [audience laughs] 1476 01:09:38,257 --> 01:09:40,759 And it don't even make-- people need to stop 1477 01:09:40,801 --> 01:09:42,386 with all that, "this is the new that." 1478 01:09:42,428 --> 01:09:45,181 They got 90-year-old people. 90 is the new 80. 1479 01:09:45,222 --> 01:09:48,350 Twelve is the new four, four is the new toddler. 1480 01:09:48,392 --> 01:09:49,643 What the fuck? 1481 01:09:49,685 --> 01:09:52,062 [audience laughs] 1482 01:09:55,566 --> 01:09:59,069 Orange is not the new black. 1483 01:09:59,111 --> 01:10:01,447 [audience cheering] 1484 01:10:03,282 --> 01:10:06,535 If it was, Donald Trump would be head of NAACP. 1485 01:10:06,577 --> 01:10:08,704 [audience roars] 1486 01:10:17,254 --> 01:10:20,799 But I wish I had Oprah math. 1487 01:10:20,841 --> 01:10:22,509 You would see me in the grocery store, 1488 01:10:22,551 --> 01:10:24,303 they'd be like, "That's $412." 1489 01:10:24,345 --> 01:10:28,557 And I'd be, "Uh-uh. Not by my math. 1490 01:10:28,599 --> 01:10:30,100 [audience laughs] 1491 01:10:30,142 --> 01:10:32,770 Way I figured you owe me $2.22. 1492 01:10:32,811 --> 01:10:35,105 [audience laughs] 1493 01:10:35,147 --> 01:10:37,066 But keep the change, I like you." 1494 01:10:37,107 --> 01:10:39,443 [audience laughs] 1495 01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:42,821 But that's power. 1496 01:10:42,863 --> 01:10:47,576 To be able to change the whole definition of old. 1497 01:10:47,618 --> 01:10:51,580 Come on, when me and Oprah were kids, 60 was old as fuck. 1498 01:10:51,622 --> 01:10:53,332 [audience laughs] 1499 01:10:53,374 --> 01:10:57,628 If somebody told you they was 60, you got sad. 1500 01:10:57,670 --> 01:10:59,838 [audience laughs] 1501 01:11:01,840 --> 01:11:04,843 You'd be like, "Aww! 1502 01:11:06,887 --> 01:11:08,555 But I like you." 1503 01:11:08,597 --> 01:11:10,766 [audience laughs] 1504 01:11:14,895 --> 01:11:18,357 And Oprah got 60, ain't nobody 60. 1505 01:11:18,399 --> 01:11:21,652 You ain't 60. Ain't nobody old. 1506 01:11:21,694 --> 01:11:24,029 That's amazing power. 1507 01:11:24,071 --> 01:11:27,366 I wish I had that kind of power. 1508 01:11:27,408 --> 01:11:31,495 Oprah got bread ain't got no calories. 1509 01:11:31,537 --> 01:11:34,832 [audience laughs] 1510 01:11:34,873 --> 01:11:36,250 You remember when she was talking about, 1511 01:11:36,292 --> 01:11:38,669 "I eat bread every day. Lost 22 pounds." 1512 01:11:38,711 --> 01:11:40,879 [audience laughs] 1513 01:11:43,090 --> 01:11:45,467 You's a damn liar. No you didn't. 1514 01:11:45,509 --> 01:11:46,760 [audience laughs] 1515 01:11:46,802 --> 01:11:49,179 I smell bread every day, gain 40. 1516 01:11:49,221 --> 01:11:51,557 [audience laughs] 1517 01:11:53,309 --> 01:11:55,853 I can gain 22 pounds looking at food. 1518 01:11:55,894 --> 01:11:58,314 [audience laughs] 1519 01:11:59,732 --> 01:12:01,442 And I was trying to lose weight 1520 01:12:01,483 --> 01:12:06,238 because we have this idea if we lose weight, we'll lose age. 1521 01:12:07,364 --> 01:12:09,074 You'll feel like a 22-year-old. 1522 01:12:09,116 --> 01:12:10,784 You's a damn liar! No I won't! 1523 01:12:10,826 --> 01:12:13,662 I'll just be a skinny-ass old person. 1524 01:12:13,704 --> 01:12:15,873 [audience laughs] 1525 01:12:19,835 --> 01:12:21,795 But when, you know, summer was coming, 1526 01:12:21,837 --> 01:12:23,255 you know, you get conditioned. 1527 01:12:23,297 --> 01:12:24,840 So if you start trying to lose weight 1528 01:12:24,882 --> 01:12:26,467 so you can have that summer body, you know? 1529 01:12:26,508 --> 01:12:29,636 And I was working real hard at it, I was. 1530 01:12:29,678 --> 01:12:31,305 And then one day, 1531 01:12:31,347 --> 01:12:34,725 when I was pulling some skin off some chicken... 1532 01:12:34,767 --> 01:12:39,605 [audience laughs] 1533 01:12:39,646 --> 01:12:42,232 ...it dawned on me. 1534 01:12:42,274 --> 01:12:44,234 And I'm like, "Fuck." 1535 01:12:44,276 --> 01:12:47,154 [audience laughs] 1536 01:12:47,196 --> 01:12:48,822 They make bigger clothes. 1537 01:12:48,864 --> 01:12:51,241 [audience laughs] 1538 01:12:57,998 --> 01:12:59,333 So you should have seen me wrapping 1539 01:12:59,375 --> 01:13:01,210 that skin back around that chicken. 1540 01:13:01,251 --> 01:13:02,461 [audience laughs] 1541 01:13:02,503 --> 01:13:04,171 I got some bacon and some toothpicks. 1542 01:13:04,213 --> 01:13:06,256 I got some cheese. I fried that shit. 1543 01:13:06,298 --> 01:13:08,717 [audience laughs] 1544 01:13:10,552 --> 01:13:14,181 Because like every woman, I do have an inner skinny woman. 1545 01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:18,560 You know, we all have that inner skinny woman who nags us. 1546 01:13:18,602 --> 01:13:21,605 You know, I know I do because I ate her. 1547 01:13:21,647 --> 01:13:23,816 [audience laughs] 1548 01:13:27,569 --> 01:13:31,198 That bitch tried to get between me and the refrigerator... 1549 01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:32,908 on one of them midnight munchie runs. 1550 01:13:32,950 --> 01:13:34,868 I'm like, "Uh-uh, that's your ass." 1551 01:13:34,910 --> 01:13:37,287 [audience laughs] 1552 01:13:40,624 --> 01:13:43,293 But I've gotten to where I accept my weight 1553 01:13:43,335 --> 01:13:45,754 and I don't want to lose weight 1554 01:13:45,796 --> 01:13:48,507 because I'm old. 1555 01:13:48,549 --> 01:13:50,259 And if I'ma waste away to nothing, 1556 01:13:50,300 --> 01:13:53,303 I want it to take a long fucking time. 1557 01:13:53,345 --> 01:13:55,681 [audience cheering] 1558 01:14:02,104 --> 01:14:05,357 But as the senior member of this crew, 1559 01:14:05,399 --> 01:14:07,359 I have to tell you a couple of secrets. 1560 01:14:07,401 --> 01:14:10,779 One, your grandmother's a freak. 1561 01:14:10,821 --> 01:14:13,323 [audience laughs] 1562 01:14:13,365 --> 01:14:15,033 It's true. People think-- 1563 01:14:15,075 --> 01:14:17,870 See, we're the generation that invented sex, 1564 01:14:17,911 --> 01:14:20,664 drugs, and rock and roll, okay? 1565 01:14:20,706 --> 01:14:22,082 Right? 1566 01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:24,710 And we are still sexing and drugging 1567 01:14:24,751 --> 01:14:26,587 and rocking and rolling. 1568 01:14:26,628 --> 01:14:30,382 It's just now we have to take drugs so we can sex 1569 01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:32,926 and rock and roll, but that's not the point. 1570 01:14:32,968 --> 01:14:35,971 [audience laughs] 1571 01:14:36,013 --> 01:14:38,474 People have this weird idea that old ladies, 1572 01:14:38,515 --> 01:14:42,311 just, just sit around, rocking, 1573 01:14:42,352 --> 01:14:45,397 thinking about cookie recipes for children. 1574 01:14:46,690 --> 01:14:48,567 Let me tell you something, your grandmother 1575 01:14:48,609 --> 01:14:50,611 could give a shit about your children and your cookies. 1576 01:14:50,652 --> 01:14:52,154 We don't care. 1577 01:14:52,196 --> 01:14:53,572 We taught you how to make cookies, 1578 01:14:53,614 --> 01:14:55,782 so you should have brought us some fucking cookies. 1579 01:14:55,824 --> 01:14:56,825 That's what you shoulda did. 1580 01:14:56,867 --> 01:14:59,036 [audience laughs] 1581 01:15:01,205 --> 01:15:03,624 And if I'm sitting around rocking, 1582 01:15:03,665 --> 01:15:05,709 I might be sitting on something. 1583 01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:07,920 [audience laughs] 1584 01:15:09,463 --> 01:15:14,218 Uh baby, don't pay no attention to that buzzing noise. 1585 01:15:14,259 --> 01:15:17,346 That's the refrigerator. [laughs] 1586 01:15:17,387 --> 01:15:19,890 It does that when it's full. 1587 01:15:19,932 --> 01:15:22,100 [audience laughs] 1588 01:15:24,520 --> 01:15:28,065 'Cause granny got a Magic Wand. 1589 01:15:28,106 --> 01:15:29,983 You know what I'm talking about, right? 1590 01:15:30,025 --> 01:15:32,361 Yeah. Looks like this. 1591 01:15:32,402 --> 01:15:34,279 [audience laughs] 1592 01:15:34,321 --> 01:15:36,949 She keeps it in her nightstand up under the night gowns 1593 01:15:36,990 --> 01:15:38,659 on her side of the bed. 1594 01:15:38,700 --> 01:15:40,994 You know what I'm talking about. You've seen it. 1595 01:15:41,036 --> 01:15:42,412 Get you one. 1596 01:15:42,454 --> 01:15:43,789 [audience laughs] 1597 01:15:43,830 --> 01:15:45,958 See, you young women, y'all invest all this money 1598 01:15:45,999 --> 01:15:47,251 on all these devices and stuff 1599 01:15:47,292 --> 01:15:49,086 that do all this kind of stuff. 1600 01:15:49,127 --> 01:15:50,254 You don't need that. 1601 01:15:50,295 --> 01:15:54,258 Get you a old fashioned Hitachi Magic Wand. 1602 01:15:54,299 --> 01:15:56,260 [audience laughs] 1603 01:15:56,301 --> 01:15:57,678 But don't get the one with the batteries. 1604 01:15:57,719 --> 01:15:59,304 You don't want that. That's annoying. 1605 01:15:59,346 --> 01:16:02,099 It's just wimpy, it's just... [Marsha purrs] 1606 01:16:02,140 --> 01:16:03,642 [audience laughs] 1607 01:16:03,684 --> 01:16:06,937 Get the one that plugs in the wall. 1608 01:16:06,979 --> 01:16:08,522 That's the one you need. 1609 01:16:08,564 --> 01:16:10,399 [imitates chainsaw pull start] 1610 01:16:10,440 --> 01:16:12,818 [audience laughs] 1611 01:16:18,532 --> 01:16:20,284 I will tell you another secret. 1612 01:16:20,325 --> 01:16:25,414 You have old people to thank for recreational marijuana. 1613 01:16:25,455 --> 01:16:28,500 [audience cheers] 1614 01:16:28,542 --> 01:16:31,753 That's right, 'cause we've been smoking reefer 1615 01:16:31,795 --> 01:16:35,424 since back when people was calling it smoking reefer. 1616 01:16:35,465 --> 01:16:38,510 [audience laughs] 1617 01:16:38,552 --> 01:16:40,095 And I'm gonna tell you something. 1618 01:16:40,137 --> 01:16:41,722 When your grandmother is sitting around rocking, 1619 01:16:41,763 --> 01:16:42,931 she's fucked up. 1620 01:16:42,973 --> 01:16:45,142 [audience laughs] 1621 01:16:45,183 --> 01:16:47,853 Old people still get high. 1622 01:16:47,894 --> 01:16:52,774 We be smoking, we like to get high and play games. 1623 01:16:52,816 --> 01:16:53,775 [audience laughs] 1624 01:16:53,817 --> 01:16:57,446 We like to go outside and get in the way. 1625 01:16:57,487 --> 01:16:59,823 [audience laughs] 1626 01:17:09,666 --> 01:17:12,002 Go around, you little shit. 1627 01:17:17,174 --> 01:17:19,801 I am gay. Thank you so much. 1628 01:17:19,843 --> 01:17:22,095 [audience cheers] 1629 01:17:22,137 --> 01:17:25,140 And I came out in my 60s. 1630 01:17:25,182 --> 01:17:27,184 [audience cheers] 1631 01:17:27,225 --> 01:17:28,310 Came out publicly. 1632 01:17:28,352 --> 01:17:29,645 You come out in stages, you know? 1633 01:17:29,686 --> 01:17:33,857 But I came out publicly in my 60s on Facebook. 1634 01:17:33,899 --> 01:17:36,777 [audience laughs] 1635 01:17:36,818 --> 01:17:39,988 'Cause that's what old people do, we fuck around on Facebook. 1636 01:17:40,030 --> 01:17:43,367 [audience laughs] 1637 01:17:43,408 --> 01:17:45,744 Facebook is the 21st century version 1638 01:17:45,786 --> 01:17:48,205 of sitting in the window, yelling at people. 1639 01:17:48,246 --> 01:17:51,833 [audience laughs] 1640 01:17:51,875 --> 01:17:53,043 Get off my page! 1641 01:17:53,085 --> 01:17:54,503 [audience laughs] 1642 01:17:54,544 --> 01:17:57,005 Take that shit on the other side of the Internet. 1643 01:17:57,047 --> 01:17:59,216 [audience laughs] 1644 01:18:02,344 --> 01:18:04,179 But growing up, I didn't know I was gay. 1645 01:18:04,221 --> 01:18:06,515 I just knew I was different. 1646 01:18:06,556 --> 01:18:10,143 That's what they told me. They said, "You're different." 1647 01:18:10,185 --> 01:18:12,062 Which means they fucking knew. 1648 01:18:12,104 --> 01:18:14,523 [audience laughs] 1649 01:18:14,564 --> 01:18:16,900 They didn't tell me. 1650 01:18:16,942 --> 01:18:19,069 Do you know how much pussy I didn't get? 1651 01:18:19,111 --> 01:18:21,279 [audience laughs] 1652 01:18:25,659 --> 01:18:28,912 They called me a tomboy, 1653 01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:31,873 but I wasn't a tomboy. 1654 01:18:31,915 --> 01:18:33,083 I was a baby dyke. 1655 01:18:33,125 --> 01:18:35,293 [audience laughs] 1656 01:18:40,674 --> 01:18:42,509 They should have let me be a baby dyke. 1657 01:18:42,551 --> 01:18:45,971 I would have been a lot happier. 1658 01:18:46,012 --> 01:18:48,640 But as I get older and now that I'm out and stuff, 1659 01:18:48,682 --> 01:18:50,642 I find myself new to the community. 1660 01:18:50,684 --> 01:18:54,479 I still don't know all the gay rules and stuff. 1661 01:18:54,521 --> 01:18:59,401 You know, I don't know even what to call myself. 1662 01:18:59,443 --> 01:19:02,362 I mean, you know, am I butch, stud, 1663 01:19:02,404 --> 01:19:05,115 femme, futch, butt, what the fuck? 1664 01:19:05,157 --> 01:19:08,201 [audience laughs] 1665 01:19:08,243 --> 01:19:10,746 Yes, I'm wearing a fedora. 1666 01:19:10,787 --> 01:19:13,665 You know, I have on sensible shoes. 1667 01:19:13,707 --> 01:19:17,294 But I'm wearing a bra and the panties, you know? 1668 01:19:17,335 --> 01:19:20,130 I am wearing a strap on, but that's not the point. 1669 01:19:20,172 --> 01:19:22,340 [audience laughs] 1670 01:19:25,844 --> 01:19:28,305 But like I said, it's hard coming out, 1671 01:19:28,346 --> 01:19:29,347 it's hard growing up. 1672 01:19:29,389 --> 01:19:32,726 And I found out just recently 1673 01:19:32,768 --> 01:19:35,061 that God is a Black woman. 1674 01:19:35,103 --> 01:19:37,189 [audience cheers] 1675 01:19:37,230 --> 01:19:40,567 She's tough. I've talked to her. 1676 01:19:40,609 --> 01:19:42,319 She told me to tell you she's pissed. 1677 01:19:42,360 --> 01:19:45,238 [audience laughs] 1678 01:19:45,280 --> 01:19:46,907 It's your fault. 1679 01:19:46,948 --> 01:19:51,536 But she also told me that the world needs to be mothered. 1680 01:19:51,578 --> 01:19:54,122 That we've been fathered long enough. 1681 01:19:54,164 --> 01:19:57,209 [audience cheers] 1682 01:19:57,250 --> 01:19:59,669 You know what fathers do. 1683 01:19:59,711 --> 01:20:01,338 They fuck mothers. 1684 01:20:01,379 --> 01:20:03,882 [audience laughs] 1685 01:20:03,924 --> 01:20:06,676 So we've been motherfucked for some... 1686 01:20:06,718 --> 01:20:09,137 [audience laughs] 1687 01:20:12,766 --> 01:20:14,518 But Carole's a national mom. 1688 01:20:14,559 --> 01:20:17,062 We need a national mom. We do. 1689 01:20:17,103 --> 01:20:19,815 Wherever we need somebody to just take over. 1690 01:20:19,856 --> 01:20:23,443 Just somebody, just walk into Congress and just stand there 1691 01:20:23,485 --> 01:20:26,696 and make everybody shut up and feel guilty. 1692 01:20:34,454 --> 01:20:35,664 Who did this? 1693 01:20:35,705 --> 01:20:37,499 [audience laughs] 1694 01:20:37,541 --> 01:20:39,042 No, don't be pointing at each other. 1695 01:20:39,084 --> 01:20:42,838 Ain't nobody leaving here till y'all clean this shit up. 1696 01:20:42,879 --> 01:20:46,675 And America, go to your room 1697 01:20:46,716 --> 01:20:50,178 and stay your ass in there till you learn how to vote. 1698 01:20:50,220 --> 01:20:52,389 [audience laughs] 1699 01:20:57,644 --> 01:21:02,190 Like I said, I don't know all, how to relate as a gay woman. 1700 01:21:02,232 --> 01:21:03,942 I don't know all of the rules 1701 01:21:03,984 --> 01:21:06,903 and what to call myself, you know? 1702 01:21:06,945 --> 01:21:10,490 I think people should call me what I am. 1703 01:21:10,532 --> 01:21:12,033 A lady snorkeler. 1704 01:21:12,075 --> 01:21:14,244 [audience laughs] 1705 01:21:19,541 --> 01:21:20,750 [Marsha gurgles] 1706 01:21:20,792 --> 01:21:23,128 [audience laughs] 1707 01:21:24,421 --> 01:21:27,048 Dive, baby, dive. 1708 01:21:27,090 --> 01:21:29,593 [audience laughs] 1709 01:21:29,634 --> 01:21:32,095 Thank you so much. Take care. 1710 01:21:32,137 --> 01:21:34,306 [audience cheers] 1711 01:21:36,349 --> 01:21:37,809 People think that comedy is so easy. 1712 01:21:37,851 --> 01:21:41,229 Oh yeah, it's a breeze. Start today. 1713 01:21:41,271 --> 01:21:44,441 [both laughing] 1714 01:21:44,482 --> 01:21:46,735 We were always the, like the dirty girls 1715 01:21:46,776 --> 01:21:49,362 or the edgy girls and there was only a few of us back then. 1716 01:21:49,404 --> 01:21:51,114 Exactly. We told the truth. 1717 01:21:51,156 --> 01:21:52,365 We weren't even dirty. 1718 01:21:52,407 --> 01:21:53,742 I mean, I tell people, tell the truth 1719 01:21:53,783 --> 01:21:55,368 and wrap it in bacon, so you'll eat it. 1720 01:21:55,410 --> 01:21:57,954 I want to be that person that, you know, 1721 01:21:57,996 --> 01:22:00,123 somebody can look at and they can go, wow. 1722 01:22:00,165 --> 01:22:02,626 If that's how Teri Hatcher's living, then like, 1723 01:22:02,667 --> 01:22:04,669 I feel pretty good about my life. 1724 01:22:04,711 --> 01:22:06,713 [both laughing] 1725 01:22:06,755 --> 01:22:09,215 We all want to see each other succeed 1726 01:22:09,257 --> 01:22:12,427 because I think Hollywood has a tendency to say 1727 01:22:12,469 --> 01:22:14,512 that we're backbiting. 1728 01:22:14,554 --> 01:22:16,014 We do help each other. 1729 01:22:16,056 --> 01:22:21,353 And what you have created, Carole, is magnificent. 1730 01:22:21,394 --> 01:22:24,356 [audience cheering] 1731 01:22:24,397 --> 01:22:26,524 [audience clapping] 1732 01:22:28,276 --> 01:22:31,446 [upbeat music]