1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,248 --> 00:00:08,560 MTV 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:19,122 --> 00:00:22,056 - Oh, hey, darlings. I didn't see you there. 5 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:25,232 Just Michelle Visage here enjoying a cozy night in, 6 00:00:25,232 --> 00:00:26,681 sitting by the fire, 7 00:00:26,681 --> 00:00:29,132 sipping on a brand-sponsored cocktail, 8 00:00:29,132 --> 00:00:33,550 and cracking open one of my favorite holiday classics. 9 00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:36,898 It's a story that's full of holiday spirit, 10 00:00:36,898 --> 00:00:39,936 filled with quirky small-town characters, 11 00:00:39,936 --> 00:00:44,630 and banned in 32 countries for being, quote, "too gay." 12 00:00:44,630 --> 00:00:47,150 So kick your boots off, grab yourself a drink-- 13 00:00:47,150 --> 00:00:48,427 if there's anything left-- 14 00:00:48,427 --> 00:00:50,326 and enjoy a tale that begins 15 00:00:50,326 --> 00:00:52,466 like all other Christmas stories: 16 00:00:52,466 --> 00:00:56,504 with sweeping shots of New York City. 17 00:00:56,504 --> 00:00:58,506 La-la, la-la, la 18 00:01:19,631 --> 00:01:21,288 - MICHELLE: Twas the week before Christmas 19 00:01:21,288 --> 00:01:22,634 and all through New York, 20 00:01:22,634 --> 00:01:24,774 everyone was feeling the spirit, 21 00:01:24,774 --> 00:01:27,156 except one lady hard at work. 22 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,612 - Take this up to publishing, size 80 headline. 23 00:01:35,612 --> 00:01:37,097 Something splashy like, 24 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,133 "Twelve Skirts That Say I'm a Slut, 25 00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,135 but I Kind of Know Math." 26 00:01:45,726 --> 00:01:48,591 - Hey, queen. - Tristan. 27 00:01:48,591 --> 00:01:51,041 Is that my favorite gay coworker? 28 00:01:51,041 --> 00:01:53,492 - Does this answer your question? 29 00:01:53,492 --> 00:01:55,736 - Ah, it's so gay! I love it. 30 00:01:55,736 --> 00:01:58,014 - It's almost like it's my entire personality. 31 00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:01,051 - So, any plans for the holidays? 32 00:02:01,051 --> 00:02:04,296 - Oh, you know me. I'll be working the whole time. 33 00:02:04,296 --> 00:02:07,334 The only thing I'll be opening on Christmas is my emails. 34 00:02:07,334 --> 00:02:09,474 - Girl, do you not have any family or friends 35 00:02:09,474 --> 00:02:11,200 to spend the holidays with? 36 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,063 - Well, I have you, right? You're my friend. 37 00:02:13,063 --> 00:02:15,652 - No, babe. I'm your gay coworker. 38 00:02:15,652 --> 00:02:17,482 I'm just here to blindly support you 39 00:02:17,482 --> 00:02:20,519 and recite catchphrases that I learned from black women. 40 00:02:20,519 --> 00:02:22,383 Wig. 41 00:02:22,383 --> 00:02:24,696 - Well, I'm trying to look good for the promotion. 42 00:02:24,696 --> 00:02:26,594 - You mean... 43 00:02:26,594 --> 00:02:28,838 - BOTH: Executive Fashion Ladyboss in Chief. 44 00:02:28,838 --> 00:02:30,357 - Ah, you're totally gonna get it. 45 00:02:30,357 --> 00:02:32,117 You are, like, the Joan Didion 46 00:02:32,117 --> 00:02:35,016 of telling people to wear scarves as shirts. 47 00:02:35,016 --> 00:02:37,916 - Well, I just hope Hannah thinks so. 48 00:02:37,916 --> 00:02:41,747 - HANNAH: Olivia! In my office now! 49 00:02:41,747 --> 00:02:43,508 - Wish me luck. 50 00:02:43,508 --> 00:02:48,340 - 51 00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:49,859 - HANNAH: Olivia! 52 00:02:57,901 --> 00:03:03,493 - Someone please find me a new assistant! 53 00:03:04,563 --> 00:03:05,840 - What did she do? 54 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,187 I don't know. 55 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,224 Something about chemo, taking off work. 56 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,122 I don't know. Hah! 57 00:03:12,122 --> 00:03:14,366 Hey, listen, thanks for coming in. 58 00:03:14,366 --> 00:03:18,336 There's something exciting I'd like to discuss with you. 59 00:03:18,336 --> 00:03:21,580 Does the name "Tuckahoe" mean anything to you? 60 00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:23,617 - Is that, like, German for "big taco"? 61 00:03:26,758 --> 00:03:28,277 It's this little town that 62 00:03:28,277 --> 00:03:31,349 all the major rags are buzzing about. 63 00:03:31,349 --> 00:03:34,352 Apparently they're obsessed with the holidays. 64 00:03:34,352 --> 00:03:35,560 Hah, hah, hah! 65 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,389 Makes me want to vomit. 66 00:03:37,389 --> 00:03:40,737 - So you want me to write an exposé on a Christmas town? 67 00:03:40,737 --> 00:03:42,912 - Dear girl. 68 00:03:42,912 --> 00:03:46,950 Readership numbers are down, Olivia. 69 00:03:46,950 --> 00:03:50,195 Everyone's saying that print journalism is dead. 70 00:03:50,195 --> 00:03:53,371 Well, we need something controversial 71 00:03:53,371 --> 00:03:56,236 to put us back on top. 72 00:03:56,236 --> 00:04:01,275 Imagine it: nice little town, top of the naughty list. 73 00:04:02,966 --> 00:04:06,522 I want you to go there and dig up some dirt-- 74 00:04:06,522 --> 00:04:08,455 covertly, of course. 75 00:04:08,455 --> 00:04:09,973 And most importantly, 76 00:04:09,973 --> 00:04:14,012 get your hands on this winter crown. 77 00:04:15,496 --> 00:04:20,087 Whoa. 78 00:04:20,087 --> 00:04:22,331 - HANNAH: Mesmerizing, isn't it? 79 00:04:22,331 --> 00:04:25,334 It's the grand prize at this silly little competition 80 00:04:25,334 --> 00:04:27,025 they throw every year. 81 00:04:27,025 --> 00:04:30,200 The ultimate winter accessory 82 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,929 that will have the world reading this exposé. 83 00:04:34,929 --> 00:04:37,691 I want it on the cover, Olivia, 84 00:04:37,691 --> 00:04:41,350 of the annual Christmas issue. 85 00:04:41,350 --> 00:04:42,696 That's right-- 86 00:04:42,696 --> 00:04:45,699 - BOTH: The most important issue in fashion. 87 00:04:45,699 --> 00:04:47,356 - OLIVIA: Wait. 88 00:04:47,356 --> 00:04:49,461 How am I supposed to write about Christmas? 89 00:04:49,461 --> 00:04:51,118 I always spend it at work. 90 00:04:52,844 --> 00:04:54,984 - All I'm saying is it would look pretty good for that 91 00:04:54,984 --> 00:04:56,986 promotion you've been eyeing? 92 00:04:56,986 --> 00:05:01,818 But if you don't wanna do it, I'll find someone who will. 93 00:05:01,818 --> 00:05:05,408 Maybe...Tristan. 94 00:05:05,408 --> 00:05:08,135 - TRISTAN: You are snatching my edges, sis! 95 00:05:08,135 --> 00:05:10,689 - If he ever gets around to doing work. 96 00:05:10,689 --> 00:05:12,104 - He's-- 97 00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:15,522 - Look, I'm gonna need an answer by tomorrow, okay? 98 00:05:21,769 --> 00:05:25,221 - MICHELLE: As Olivia sat there, she pondered and reminisced. 99 00:05:25,221 --> 00:05:30,191 Is Christmas a day she regrets to have Christ-missed? 100 00:05:30,191 --> 00:05:32,228 - What do you think, Barbara? 101 00:05:32,228 --> 00:05:34,851 What do you do when you're at a crossroads? 102 00:05:34,851 --> 00:05:37,716 - Take the job, Olivia! 103 00:05:37,716 --> 00:05:39,373 - Barbara? 104 00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:44,723 - All great lady journalists do anything to get the story. 105 00:05:44,723 --> 00:05:48,313 Ask tough questions. Go undercover. 106 00:05:52,938 --> 00:05:54,595 - OLIVIA: Go undercover, huh? 107 00:06:04,985 --> 00:06:07,297 - Hannah? I'll do it. 108 00:06:07,297 --> 00:06:10,680 You'll have the exposé on your desk in a week. 109 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,751 Goodbye, Olivia St. LaPelle. 110 00:06:12,751 --> 00:06:15,375 Hello, Maggie Zeen. 111 00:06:39,813 --> 00:06:41,159 - Excuse me? 112 00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:44,438 Can you tell me where the Tuck'd Inn is? 113 00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:45,819 I'm here on business. 114 00:06:45,819 --> 00:06:47,407 - Christmas business? 115 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,856 - Um, sure. 116 00:06:48,856 --> 00:06:52,342 - It's starting! 117 00:06:52,342 --> 00:06:54,034 - What's starting? 118 00:06:54,034 --> 00:06:56,519 - Really not from around here, are you? 119 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,386 The Christmas trees are on display 120 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,355 their college fund 121 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,394 There's cookies in the oven 122 00:07:09,394 --> 00:07:11,534 And Grandma in the kitchen 123 00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:13,743 The snowball fights are mostly ice 124 00:07:13,743 --> 00:07:15,918 just tradition 125 00:07:15,918 --> 00:07:18,058 I met a man of mystery one day 126 00:07:19,784 --> 00:07:21,510 and super hot 127 00:07:21,510 --> 00:07:23,995 And definitely not a prince 128 00:07:23,995 --> 00:07:25,962 There's mistletoe on every door 129 00:07:27,930 --> 00:07:30,070 Except for maybe one, which is 130 00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:34,005 It's a Tuckahoe Christmas 131 00:07:36,179 --> 00:07:38,043 And if you listen, you'll hear the children 132 00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:40,045 in the square--shut up! 133 00:07:40,045 --> 00:07:42,116 It's a Tuckahoe Christmas 134 00:07:44,187 --> 00:07:48,398 in Tuckahoe 135 00:07:50,159 --> 00:07:52,161 We've got a kid with polio 136 00:07:52,161 --> 00:07:54,197 got his crutches 137 00:07:54,197 --> 00:07:56,303 I haven't felt my legs in years 138 00:07:56,303 --> 00:07:58,270 its blessings 139 00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,341 A Christmas ghost, a talking dog 140 00:08:02,378 --> 00:08:04,311 I'm only here for this one part 141 00:08:04,311 --> 00:08:06,106 been paid, darlin' 142 00:08:06,106 --> 00:08:08,039 It's a Tuckahoe Christmas 143 00:08:10,144 --> 00:08:12,077 A chance to do something real creepy 144 00:08:14,183 --> 00:08:16,081 It's a Tuckahoe Christmas 145 00:08:18,118 --> 00:08:22,329 in Tuckahoe 146 00:08:22,329 --> 00:08:24,193 I plan on finding 147 00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:30,475 promotion will be mine 148 00:08:30,475 --> 00:08:32,753 Why did I just sing that? Oh, pardon me. 149 00:08:36,688 --> 00:08:37,724 - DANCING HUSBANDS: Woo! 150 00:08:38,863 --> 00:08:42,832 - Those are your...husbands? - Mm-hmm. Why do you ask? 151 00:08:42,832 --> 00:08:44,247 - DANCING HUSBANDS: Woo! 152 00:08:50,426 --> 00:08:52,255 It's a Tuckahoe Christmas 153 00:08:54,361 --> 00:08:56,501 - In a consumer-capitalist commercial way that uses 154 00:08:56,501 --> 00:08:58,261 religion as a façade. - OTHERS: Shut up! 155 00:08:58,261 --> 00:09:00,298 It's a Tuckahoe Christmas 156 00:09:02,403 --> 00:09:04,820 in Tucka-- 157 00:09:08,202 --> 00:09:09,894 - It's Mayor Coont! 158 00:09:21,008 --> 00:09:23,355 - Merry Christmas, Tuckahoe! 159 00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:25,288 It's Christmastime in Tucka-- 160 00:09:25,288 --> 00:09:27,221 Christmastime in Tucka-- 161 00:09:27,221 --> 00:09:29,258 Christmastime in Tucka-- 162 00:09:31,018 --> 00:09:32,986 Christmastime in Tucka--hi 163 00:09:32,986 --> 00:09:35,195 Christmastime in Tucka... 164 00:09:36,058 --> 00:09:37,197 - Oh, sorry. 165 00:09:50,797 --> 00:09:53,075 - Is that the mayor? - Coont. 166 00:09:53,075 --> 00:09:54,628 - What did you just call me? 167 00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,492 - Mayor Coont? 168 00:09:56,492 --> 00:10:00,289 - MAYOR COONT: Seasons tidings, my town! 169 00:10:00,289 --> 00:10:03,361 Tomorrow marks a very special day. 170 00:10:03,361 --> 00:10:06,916 It's the first day of our annual Winter Ball! 171 00:10:10,023 --> 00:10:12,370 - Now, I don't need to tell you how it works, 172 00:10:12,370 --> 00:10:17,064 but I will anyway just in case somebody comes from out of town 173 00:10:17,064 --> 00:10:19,101 on Christmas business or something. 174 00:10:19,101 --> 00:10:22,760 The ball. The ball is a weeklong, 175 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,626 multi-part competition to judge 176 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:32,045 what street in town embodies the holiday spirit the most. 177 00:10:35,358 --> 00:10:40,536 - Delia, the crown, please. 178 00:10:40,536 --> 00:10:41,710 - Work it, girl! 179 00:10:43,056 --> 00:10:44,540 Gonna miss sleeping in this little number. 180 00:10:45,921 --> 00:10:47,301 - As Delia Von Whitewoman, 181 00:10:47,301 --> 00:10:49,821 the head housewife of Kittenheel Court, 182 00:10:49,821 --> 00:10:53,238 and the winner of the last eleven winter balls, 183 00:10:53,238 --> 00:10:55,033 I just wanna say... 184 00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,794 it's just a silly little crown, 185 00:10:56,794 --> 00:10:59,520 and not something to plan your entire year/life around. 186 00:11:07,149 --> 00:11:08,288 - Let it go, Delia! 187 00:11:08,288 --> 00:11:09,945 Or what? 188 00:11:11,429 --> 00:11:14,674 - I mean, here you go, Mayor Coont. 189 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,745 - What? Wow. 190 00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:20,576 - As our forefathers once ordained, 191 00:11:20,576 --> 00:11:24,891 no citizen shall see the crown before the final pageant, 192 00:11:24,891 --> 00:11:28,170 or else they will fall victim 193 00:11:28,170 --> 00:11:31,069 to the dreadful Tuckahoe Curse. 194 00:11:31,069 --> 00:11:32,381 - MAYOR COONT: Mm-hmm. 195 00:11:32,381 --> 00:11:34,210 I'm sure everyone here remembers 196 00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:36,109 what happened to Little Lennie, 197 00:11:36,109 --> 00:11:38,180 our local polio child. 198 00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:39,457 - Little Lennie! 199 00:11:39,457 --> 00:11:43,495 - Russ, could you please lock this away? 200 00:11:45,428 --> 00:11:47,223 All right. 201 00:11:47,223 --> 00:11:49,985 Tuckahoe, start your engines, 202 00:11:49,985 --> 00:11:53,816 and may the best housewife win! 203 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,343 - Bitches! 204 00:12:12,145 --> 00:12:14,423 - Oh! 205 00:12:14,423 --> 00:12:15,389 Oops! 206 00:12:15,389 --> 00:12:17,598 - Oh my god! I'm so sorry. 207 00:12:17,598 --> 00:12:18,772 - No worries! 208 00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,912 I'm--I'm sure it will come out in the wash. 209 00:12:20,912 --> 00:12:22,500 Can you hold this? 210 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,476 - Hey, Mack? 211 00:12:33,476 --> 00:12:35,168 Could you take the crown to that secret location 212 00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:37,342 nobody knows about? - Oh-- 213 00:12:37,342 --> 00:12:40,173 - Sorry about that. 214 00:12:40,173 --> 00:12:43,348 Name's Big Russ. I'm the mayor's security. 215 00:12:43,348 --> 00:12:45,661 - Maggie. Uh, Maggie Zeen. 216 00:12:45,661 --> 00:12:49,976 - Well, looks like I owe you another, uh... 217 00:12:49,976 --> 00:12:51,322 Wait a second, is this coffee? 218 00:12:51,322 --> 00:12:53,945 - It is. It is coffee, yeah. 219 00:12:53,945 --> 00:12:56,154 I actually love coffee. 220 00:12:56,154 --> 00:12:59,123 - Well, you love coffee? That is crazy! 221 00:12:59,123 --> 00:13:02,126 'Cause I also love coffee. 222 00:13:02,126 --> 00:13:03,541 - Really? Oh my god, 223 00:13:03,541 --> 00:13:06,199 I've never met anyone else who loves coffee. 224 00:13:07,648 --> 00:13:09,581 I actually even have this saying in the morning: 225 00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,273 don't talk to me until I've had my-- 226 00:13:11,273 --> 00:13:13,482 - BOTH: --hot bean water. 227 00:13:17,762 --> 00:13:21,317 - Would you maybe wanna grab a cup with me? 228 00:13:21,317 --> 00:13:25,908 - Uh...I'm really busy with work. 229 00:13:25,908 --> 00:13:29,981 But...maybe I'll see you around. 230 00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:36,470 - Bye, Maggie Zeen. 231 00:13:39,266 --> 00:13:40,854 - Lost the scent of the crown. 232 00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:43,857 But fortunately, I have a reservation at the town inn. 233 00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:47,378 It's the perfect place to chat up the locals and get the scoop. 234 00:13:47,378 --> 00:13:49,656 Someone's bound to know where that crown is hiding. 235 00:13:53,418 --> 00:13:55,731 - Oh my god! I'm sorry! 236 00:13:55,731 --> 00:13:57,664 I was just checking to see if you were on duty. 237 00:13:57,664 --> 00:14:00,943 - Ooh, girl, I thought you were that Annabelle doll! 238 00:14:00,943 --> 00:14:03,359 Yeah, I'm on duty. 239 00:14:03,359 --> 00:14:06,466 And I am happy to take you! 240 00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:08,433 Just so you know, 241 00:14:08,433 --> 00:14:10,677 I almost lost my license last week, 242 00:14:10,677 --> 00:14:12,437 but for nothin' serious. Huh! 243 00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:15,199 Judge used all this legal jargon. 244 00:14:15,199 --> 00:14:17,649 You know, like "vehicular manslaughter" 245 00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:19,789 or something like that, I don't know. 246 00:14:19,789 --> 00:14:21,791 Anyway, where you goin'? - The...Tuck'd Inn? 247 00:14:21,791 --> 00:14:23,724 - Oh, I love that little hole in the wall. 248 00:14:23,724 --> 00:14:25,899 - Oh, yeah, yeah, the pictures online looked really quaint. 249 00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:29,351 - No, there's literally a hole in the wall. 250 00:14:29,351 --> 00:14:31,249 Tried parallel parking? 251 00:14:31,249 --> 00:14:33,942 Hmph, backed right into the lobby. 252 00:14:33,942 --> 00:14:35,598 Buckle up! 253 00:14:39,499 --> 00:14:41,708 - Oh, your name is Bea Eep, like a car? 254 00:14:41,708 --> 00:14:44,884 - Nah, bitch, like a-- - 255 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:45,988 - BEA EEP: Woo! 256 00:14:48,197 --> 00:14:50,027 - BEA EEP: Hold on. I know a shortcut. 257 00:14:55,066 --> 00:14:58,345 - MICHELLE: After many misturns and the cab breaking down, 258 00:14:58,345 --> 00:15:02,384 the two pulled up at dawn to a seedy edge of town. 259 00:15:07,561 --> 00:15:09,011 - 260 00:15:09,011 --> 00:15:11,324 - BEA EEP: Who said my name? 261 00:15:20,436 --> 00:15:23,853 - Not from around here, are you? 262 00:15:25,303 --> 00:15:28,237 - Oh, uh, do you work here? 263 00:15:28,237 --> 00:15:33,139 - If by "here" you mean this alley, then yeah, I work here. 264 00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:35,175 - Oh, so you--you do construction? 265 00:15:35,175 --> 00:15:36,866 - If by "construction" you mean 266 00:15:36,866 --> 00:15:39,317 handling heavy pipes with my hands, 267 00:15:39,317 --> 00:15:41,699 then yeah, I do construction. 268 00:15:41,699 --> 00:15:44,978 - Oh, so you're a...plumber? 269 00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,773 - If by "plumber" you mean 270 00:15:46,773 --> 00:15:49,431 sucking massive clogs out of people's holes, 271 00:15:49,431 --> 00:15:53,331 then yeah, I'm a plumber. 272 00:15:53,331 --> 00:15:55,092 - Oh, you're a whore. 273 00:15:55,092 --> 00:15:56,990 - Ooh, yeah, that's me! 274 00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,682 The name's Kitti. 275 00:15:59,682 --> 00:16:01,477 Allow me. 276 00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:08,277 - Oh, follow me, please. 277 00:16:08,277 --> 00:16:09,589 Excuse me. 278 00:16:09,589 --> 00:16:11,936 Time for my morning cold potato offer. 279 00:16:11,936 --> 00:16:14,007 Boys! Good news! 280 00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:17,907 Just got back from the clinic clean as a whistle... 281 00:16:17,907 --> 00:16:19,564 that was just in someone's ass. 282 00:16:19,564 --> 00:16:23,534 Come! We drink. 283 00:16:23,534 --> 00:16:25,501 - Oh, look at you! 284 00:16:45,383 --> 00:16:47,006 - Hello? 285 00:16:57,499 --> 00:17:00,191 - Woo! Oh! Hiya, gal pal. 286 00:17:00,191 --> 00:17:02,366 You checkin' in? - Are you okay? 287 00:17:02,366 --> 00:17:03,884 What--what were you doing up there? 288 00:17:03,884 --> 00:17:08,165 - Oh! I thought it'd be neat to install a fire pole. 289 00:17:08,165 --> 00:17:10,650 Turns out I forgot the pole. 290 00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:12,824 But there is a fire up there. 291 00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,826 Oh, I'll get to it later. 292 00:17:16,449 --> 00:17:19,486 Hazel Delashes. I run the inn-- 293 00:17:19,486 --> 00:17:22,593 well, when it isn't running away from me. 294 00:17:22,593 --> 00:17:25,216 - I have a reservation under Zeen. 295 00:17:25,216 --> 00:17:26,976 First name, Maggie. 296 00:17:26,976 --> 00:17:28,875 - Maggie...Zeen? 297 00:17:28,875 --> 00:17:31,809 Well, like a magazine? 298 00:17:31,809 --> 00:17:34,467 You're not one of those reporters from the big city, 299 00:17:34,467 --> 00:17:36,020 are ya? 300 00:17:37,470 --> 00:17:39,127 - No, of course not! 301 00:17:39,127 --> 00:17:42,026 No, I'm a... 302 00:17:42,026 --> 00:17:44,304 jar... 303 00:17:44,304 --> 00:17:47,342 nail... 304 00:17:47,342 --> 00:17:49,378 ...list. 305 00:17:49,378 --> 00:17:51,967 - A journalist? 306 00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:53,900 - Shit ! 307 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:57,593 - Like somebody who makes journals? 308 00:17:57,593 --> 00:17:59,940 - Yes! That! Oh, yeah! 309 00:17:59,940 --> 00:18:03,634 - Why didn't you say so in the first place, girly? 310 00:18:03,634 --> 00:18:06,947 Journals are one of my top five favorite things. 311 00:18:06,947 --> 00:18:09,536 Let me show you to your room. 312 00:18:11,952 --> 00:18:13,575 - It's one of these. Come on. 313 00:18:16,474 --> 00:18:17,993 - HAZEL: Oh, son of a bisque! 314 00:18:22,411 --> 00:18:25,104 Ooh! 315 00:18:31,317 --> 00:18:33,146 It's musty. 316 00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,631 - Mm, that's just me. 317 00:18:37,737 --> 00:18:40,464 - Oh! Why is the mattress wet? 318 00:18:40,464 --> 00:18:43,018 - Didn't ya ask for the pirate theme? 319 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,954 It's probably pee. 320 00:18:47,954 --> 00:18:49,645 For pirate? 321 00:18:59,517 --> 00:19:01,692 - I thought so. Oh! 322 00:19:01,692 --> 00:19:03,211 - Ladies. - 323 00:19:06,041 --> 00:19:07,767 - Ladies! - 324 00:19:09,424 --> 00:19:11,184 - Thank you all for coming 325 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:13,738 to the Kittenheel Court Announcement Club, 326 00:19:13,738 --> 00:19:17,190 and for adhering to this month's theme: big hats. 327 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,296 Remember, next month is little gloves, 328 00:19:19,296 --> 00:19:21,125 as suggested by Bernice. 329 00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:25,302 - Good suggestion. - Thank you, Bernice. 330 00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:28,615 Our first announcement, as you all know, 331 00:19:28,615 --> 00:19:30,893 is that tomorrow is the Winter Ball. 332 00:19:30,893 --> 00:19:33,137 I hope you all are well rested. 333 00:19:33,137 --> 00:19:35,519 - With the twins running around, fat chance. 334 00:19:37,831 --> 00:19:39,661 - That's funny, Lanette. 335 00:19:39,661 --> 00:19:42,042 Do you think this is something to laugh about? 336 00:19:42,042 --> 00:19:45,114 - It's just a joke. - Oh, I'm sorry. 337 00:19:45,114 --> 00:19:46,909 I didn't realize I had front-row tickets to 338 00:19:46,909 --> 00:19:49,533 "Lanette: Live at the Giggle Factory." 339 00:19:49,533 --> 00:19:51,811 Please, tell another joke. 340 00:19:51,811 --> 00:19:53,606 - I don't have another joke. 341 00:19:53,606 --> 00:19:55,573 - Well, then what are you good for? 342 00:19:55,573 --> 00:19:58,507 Get out. And take your ugly hat with you. 343 00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:04,375 You look like a bargain bin Pippa Middleton. 344 00:20:04,375 --> 00:20:05,721 See you tomorrow, hon. 345 00:20:05,721 --> 00:20:06,860 - I think she went too far... 346 00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:09,553 - Now, where were we? Oh, I remember. 347 00:20:09,553 --> 00:20:11,313 Oh, Bertram! 348 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,906 - You all have met my husband, Bertram, 349 00:20:17,906 --> 00:20:20,771 the very rich owner of the local bank. 350 00:20:20,771 --> 00:20:23,981 And I couldn't be luckier to have found such a generous, 351 00:20:23,981 --> 00:20:27,778 open, and understanding prenup as ours. 352 00:20:27,778 --> 00:20:29,400 Isn't that right, Bertram? 353 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,746 - Aww! - Aww! 354 00:20:30,746 --> 00:20:33,508 - Bertram, stop. Not in front of everyone! 355 00:20:33,508 --> 00:20:34,578 Lights. 356 00:20:38,582 --> 00:20:40,722 - Christmas Eve marks yet another year 357 00:20:40,722 --> 00:20:44,795 where Kittenheel Court takes home the crown. 358 00:20:44,795 --> 00:20:47,073 But I'd also like to announce that it will commence 359 00:20:47,073 --> 00:20:50,387 of the grand remodeling of downtown Tuckahoe! 360 00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:55,633 - With Bertram's help, we ladies of Kittenheel Court 361 00:20:55,633 --> 00:20:59,430 are going to turn this... 362 00:20:59,430 --> 00:21:02,537 into this. 363 00:21:04,815 --> 00:21:07,645 - No more hookers or wild dogs, 364 00:21:07,645 --> 00:21:10,821 or that bedbug-infested Tuck'd Inn. 365 00:21:10,821 --> 00:21:14,756 Now we'll have what we always dreamed of... 366 00:21:14,756 --> 00:21:16,689 the largest Cardigan Super Outlet 367 00:21:16,689 --> 00:21:18,449 in the tristate area! 368 00:21:23,351 --> 00:21:24,766 - Oh, crap! 369 00:21:24,766 --> 00:21:25,836 - MICHELLE: As Olivia walked through the bar 370 00:21:25,836 --> 00:21:27,700 in her cocktail skirt, 371 00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:31,151 she chatted up Hazel to dig up some dirt. 372 00:21:34,396 --> 00:21:36,398 - I'll take a Manhattan. 373 00:21:36,398 --> 00:21:40,368 - You mean like that city where some people are from? 374 00:21:40,368 --> 00:21:43,819 - I mean a...cosmopolitan. 375 00:21:43,819 --> 00:21:48,445 - You mean like the people that are from that city? 376 00:21:48,445 --> 00:21:49,998 - I'll take a water! 377 00:21:53,691 --> 00:21:55,210 - Water, huh? 378 00:21:56,418 --> 00:21:57,937 Love that stuff. 379 00:21:57,937 --> 00:21:59,801 - I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were there. 380 00:21:59,801 --> 00:22:01,527 - No one ever does. 381 00:22:01,527 --> 00:22:05,393 I was actually diagnosed with chronic no personality disorder. 382 00:22:05,393 --> 00:22:10,087 No interests, no talents, no original ideas. 383 00:22:10,087 --> 00:22:13,504 Kind of like a background character in my own life. 384 00:22:13,504 --> 00:22:16,127 - Well, what do you want to do with your life? 385 00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:19,199 - Become an international pop star. 386 00:22:19,199 --> 00:22:21,029 I'm Jane McBeige. 387 00:22:21,029 --> 00:22:22,789 I deliver all the mail here in town. 388 00:22:22,789 --> 00:22:25,205 Well, until my big break. 389 00:22:25,205 --> 00:22:29,417 - Maggie. Say... 390 00:22:29,417 --> 00:22:34,629 if you deliver the mail, you must've heard about some 391 00:22:34,629 --> 00:22:36,182 scandals, corruption? 392 00:22:36,182 --> 00:22:38,080 Maybe where a certain crown is being kept? 393 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,875 Doll, that crown 394 00:22:39,875 --> 00:22:42,637 is locked up tighter than my ex-husband. 395 00:22:42,637 --> 00:22:46,468 The only way of getting your hands on it is by winning it. 396 00:22:46,468 --> 00:22:50,127 - Oh, by the way, Hazel, you got another letter from the bank. 397 00:22:50,127 --> 00:22:52,301 - Well, it's probably about that loan. 398 00:22:54,959 --> 00:23:00,068 Oh no! Oh no, no, no! 399 00:23:00,068 --> 00:23:04,106 - What is it, Hazel? - It's an eviction notice. 400 00:23:04,106 --> 00:23:09,077 It says they're gonna tear down the inn on Christmas Eve! 401 00:23:09,077 --> 00:23:11,942 - What? They can't do that! 402 00:23:11,942 --> 00:23:13,840 This is where I get all my work. 403 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:17,050 - I'm so behind on the loan they're gonna... 404 00:23:17,050 --> 00:23:20,640 they're gonna bulldoze the inn in five days! 405 00:23:22,090 --> 00:23:24,333 - I guess that's just how banks work. 406 00:23:24,333 --> 00:23:25,921 - Oh, come on! 407 00:23:25,921 --> 00:23:28,027 There's got to be something we can do! 408 00:23:28,027 --> 00:23:30,029 - MICHELLE: But as Olivia sat there 409 00:23:30,029 --> 00:23:32,480 next to the Broads of Downtown, 410 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:37,899 she had an idea, a way to get close to the crown. 411 00:23:37,899 --> 00:23:40,384 - What if you entered the Winter Ball? 412 00:23:40,384 --> 00:23:43,352 - Huh? - What? 413 00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:46,839 - No-- - Very funny. 414 00:23:46,839 --> 00:23:48,530 - Think about it. 415 00:23:48,530 --> 00:23:51,326 If you won the crown, the downtown would be named 416 00:23:51,326 --> 00:23:54,433 the most Christmassy street in Tuckahoe. 417 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:57,297 There's no way the mayor would tear it down then. 418 00:23:57,297 --> 00:24:02,717 But how are we gonna beat Kittenheel Court? 419 00:24:02,717 --> 00:24:04,857 - You know what? 420 00:24:05,858 --> 00:24:08,412 - Oh my goodness. 421 00:24:08,412 --> 00:24:12,520 - I may just be a girl named Maggie who makes journals. 422 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:13,969 But I can feel it. 423 00:24:13,969 --> 00:24:15,971 There is magic in this inn. 424 00:24:27,431 --> 00:24:29,916 - We need a leader if we are going to compete. 425 00:24:29,916 --> 00:24:34,680 And who is going to lead a bunch of busted-ass broads like us? 426 00:24:36,889 --> 00:24:40,099 - I'll do it! - You? 427 00:24:40,099 --> 00:24:41,859 - OLIVIA: Yeah, that's right! 428 00:24:41,859 --> 00:24:44,310 Tomorrow I'm gonna be in the square 429 00:24:44,310 --> 00:24:48,866 repping the Broads of Downtown. 430 00:24:48,866 --> 00:24:52,007 Who's with me? 431 00:24:52,007 --> 00:24:54,147 - Oh, like I'm gonna let anybody else 432 00:24:54,147 --> 00:24:56,529 destroy this place before me. 433 00:24:57,703 --> 00:24:58,842 - And like I'm gonna let them 434 00:24:58,842 --> 00:25:01,810 demolish the last gloryhole in town? 435 00:25:01,810 --> 00:25:03,294 - Like I'm gonna let you gals 436 00:25:03,294 --> 00:25:06,539 put your hands in a pileup without me. 437 00:25:06,539 --> 00:25:10,370 - Oh, if we're gonna compete, we need one more person. 438 00:25:10,370 --> 00:25:11,302 - I'll do it. 439 00:25:11,302 --> 00:25:13,512 - Any takers? Come on, ladies. 440 00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:15,410 - I'll do it. 441 00:25:15,410 --> 00:25:18,240 - Is there anybody around here? - I don't think there's-- 442 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,828 - Hey, what about you, Jane? 443 00:25:19,828 --> 00:25:21,554 - Oh! - Oh! 444 00:25:21,554 --> 00:25:24,488 - I'll do it! 445 00:25:24,488 --> 00:25:25,869 - Then it's settled. 446 00:25:25,869 --> 00:25:28,872 We'll win the crown and save the inn! 447 00:25:31,219 --> 00:25:32,669 - Very exciting. Very exciting. 448 00:25:32,669 --> 00:25:37,190 - But first we need to do something about...this. 449 00:25:37,190 --> 00:25:38,813 - What? I put on deodorant today. 450 00:25:41,816 --> 00:25:44,025 - You hear that, ladies? 451 00:25:44,025 --> 00:25:47,856 That's the sound of a makeover montage! 452 00:25:47,856 --> 00:25:50,376 - No, that's actually just the sound of a couple of rats 453 00:25:50,376 --> 00:25:52,896 sucking each other off in a radiator. 454 00:25:52,896 --> 00:25:54,345 - Oh. 455 00:26:06,703 --> 00:26:08,739 - Oh! Oh! 456 00:26:14,158 --> 00:26:16,264 - Careful, she left a snail trail all over the bar. 457 00:26:16,264 --> 00:26:18,749 - That's it! - Oh, you like that? 458 00:26:18,749 --> 00:26:20,026 - Yeah, I like the hands. 459 00:26:20,026 --> 00:26:22,304 Now sissy that walk 460 00:26:22,304 --> 00:26:23,754 - Oh! 461 00:26:23,754 --> 00:26:25,860 Now sissy that walk 462 00:26:36,836 --> 00:26:39,494 now sissy that walk... 463 00:26:39,494 --> 00:26:41,738 Yes! 464 00:26:41,738 --> 00:26:43,463 - How do we look? 465 00:26:43,463 --> 00:26:44,706 - Like winners. 466 00:26:47,019 --> 00:26:48,814 - MALE ANNOUNCER: Live from downtown Tuckahoe, 467 00:26:48,814 --> 00:26:51,299 the Christ-missiest town in America, 468 00:26:51,299 --> 00:26:54,647 it's the Tuckahoe Annual Winter Ball! 469 00:26:54,647 --> 00:26:57,477 - Well, it is a beautiful winter evening here in Tuckahoe 470 00:26:57,477 --> 00:27:01,343 and the perfect night to kick off the annual Winter Ball. 471 00:27:01,343 --> 00:27:02,586 Isn't that right, Kreston Carsley? 472 00:27:02,586 --> 00:27:05,382 - Oh, it sure is, Matt Rothews! 473 00:27:05,382 --> 00:27:07,867 Even our wives joined us here tonight in the audience. 474 00:27:07,867 --> 00:27:09,938 - Oh, hi, hon! - Look at her. 475 00:27:09,938 --> 00:27:12,147 - Oh, your wife looks cute. - Thanks, I did her hair. 476 00:27:12,147 --> 00:27:13,735 - Oh, I love it. Did she get a new bra? 477 00:27:13,735 --> 00:27:15,772 - Mm, I'm not sure, but I cannot wait to 478 00:27:15,772 --> 00:27:19,154 bend her over my desk later and mess that thing up. 479 00:27:19,154 --> 00:27:20,466 - Yup, that's hot. 480 00:27:20,466 --> 00:27:22,019 Alright, now, for the first competition, 481 00:27:22,019 --> 00:27:24,125 it's going to be the Holiday Runway. 482 00:27:24,125 --> 00:27:25,264 Isn't that right? - Yes! 483 00:27:25,264 --> 00:27:26,610 And for the Holiday Runway, 484 00:27:26,610 --> 00:27:28,923 each street will debut a series of unified looks 485 00:27:28,923 --> 00:27:31,028 for a chance to impress the mayor. 486 00:27:31,028 --> 00:27:32,996 Ooh, here she comes now. 487 00:27:41,211 --> 00:27:44,801 - First up, L'Chaim Lane, serving us Hannakouture. 488 00:27:44,801 --> 00:27:46,250 - Hm, mazel. 489 00:28:01,127 --> 00:28:02,957 - Well, well, well. 490 00:28:02,957 --> 00:28:05,925 Looks like the downtown rats made it out of the sewer! 491 00:28:05,925 --> 00:28:07,202 - Bitch. 492 00:28:07,202 --> 00:28:09,032 - Oh! Your hair looks expensive. 493 00:28:09,032 --> 00:28:10,619 Who might you be? 494 00:28:10,619 --> 00:28:12,656 - I'm Maggie Zeen. 495 00:28:12,656 --> 00:28:16,591 And I just wanna say you better watch your back. 496 00:28:16,591 --> 00:28:17,696 'Cause this year, 497 00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:19,456 the competition's gonna get a little tougher. 498 00:28:19,456 --> 00:28:20,906 - Mm-hmm. 499 00:28:20,906 --> 00:28:24,219 - Tougher, yeah, if you took out the "e" and put the "r" 500 00:28:24,219 --> 00:28:27,982 between the "t" and the "o." 501 00:28:27,982 --> 00:28:30,398 - Troug? - Trug? 502 00:28:30,398 --> 00:28:32,227 - Truffaut? - Wait, no-- 503 00:28:32,227 --> 00:28:34,436 - It's trough, as in the thing 504 00:28:34,436 --> 00:28:37,612 you'll be eating out of 'cause you're pigs. 505 00:28:37,612 --> 00:28:42,272 - I'm so sorry, can you say it one more time, please? 506 00:28:42,272 --> 00:28:45,344 - I--I thought you just said that we were rats. 507 00:28:45,344 --> 00:28:48,243 - ON PA: Kittenheel Court to the stage, please. 508 00:28:48,243 --> 00:28:51,902 - Watch and learn, little rats. Squeak squeak. 509 00:28:54,008 --> 00:28:57,874 - And of course Kittenheel Court serving Nativity Scene Realness. 510 00:28:57,874 --> 00:28:59,703 Joy to the world 511 00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,297 - I like her shoes. 512 00:29:11,508 --> 00:29:14,614 Joy the world, the Lord is come 513 00:29:14,614 --> 00:29:15,857 - Mary! 514 00:29:15,857 --> 00:29:19,067 - Are you there, God? It's me, your baby mama. 515 00:29:19,067 --> 00:29:20,551 - Very creative. 516 00:29:20,551 --> 00:29:23,969 Joy 517 00:29:28,490 --> 00:29:30,838 - Ooh, next up, I wasn't expecting this. 518 00:29:30,838 --> 00:29:32,149 - This is a real shocker. 519 00:29:32,149 --> 00:29:34,393 - It's the Broads of Downtown Tuckahoe 520 00:29:34,393 --> 00:29:37,016 giving us Santa's Werk Room. 521 00:29:37,016 --> 00:29:39,570 - Hm! - I don't know... 522 00:29:39,570 --> 00:29:43,816 Come and taste my Christmas cookies 523 00:29:52,031 --> 00:29:52,963 - Oh! 524 00:29:54,482 --> 00:29:56,277 - Ow! 525 00:29:59,694 --> 00:30:02,248 O-o-oven 526 00:30:05,734 --> 00:30:11,602 - 527 00:30:13,673 --> 00:30:15,227 - A level of unprofessionalism... 528 00:30:15,227 --> 00:30:16,918 - Far too much. 529 00:30:24,132 --> 00:30:26,341 - Mayor Coont, your final judgment? 530 00:30:26,341 --> 00:30:29,103 - Put that away! 531 00:30:29,103 --> 00:30:32,002 - Kittenheel Court is the winner! 532 00:30:43,393 --> 00:30:46,465 - I told you to lock it away. 533 00:30:46,465 --> 00:30:48,329 - BIG RUSS: Lock what away? 534 00:30:48,329 --> 00:30:49,882 - MAYOR COONT: The crown! - BIG RUSS: I did. 535 00:30:49,882 --> 00:30:53,058 It's in a secret location that no one knows about. 536 00:30:53,058 --> 00:30:54,611 - MAYOR COONT: And it's locked up? 537 00:30:54,611 --> 00:30:55,784 - BIG RUSS: I couldn't find the key, 538 00:30:55,784 --> 00:30:57,856 so I just put a really heavy book 539 00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:59,512 in front of the door. 540 00:30:59,512 --> 00:31:02,757 - MAYOR COONT: Russ, like I say every year, there's no key. 541 00:31:02,757 --> 00:31:03,931 It's a code. 542 00:31:03,931 --> 00:31:06,865 - BIG RUSS: Mm, that explains the keypad. 543 00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,418 So, uh, what was the code? 544 00:31:08,418 --> 00:31:11,248 - Oh, I told you the code! 545 00:31:11,248 --> 00:31:14,320 It's 80085-- 546 00:31:21,741 --> 00:31:24,468 - Oh! - Oh! 547 00:31:24,468 --> 00:31:25,953 - Careful there, Coffee Girl. 548 00:31:25,953 --> 00:31:29,301 - Oh. Hey...Coffee Guy. 549 00:31:31,544 --> 00:31:33,029 - Yeah, will that be cream or sugar? 550 00:31:33,029 --> 00:31:35,307 - Uh, oat milk, please, or else I'll shit my pants. 551 00:31:43,625 --> 00:31:45,800 - What were you doing back there? 552 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:49,700 - Oh, I wa--I was just climbing up to... 553 00:31:49,700 --> 00:31:53,497 get a better look at this big tree. 554 00:31:53,497 --> 00:31:57,225 Wow, we don't have those where I'm from. 555 00:31:57,225 --> 00:31:59,331 - And where is that? 556 00:31:59,331 --> 00:32:02,817 - The Gobi Desert. 557 00:32:02,817 --> 00:32:04,577 - Oh. 558 00:32:04,577 --> 00:32:06,303 Oh no, your tape recorder's all wet. 559 00:32:06,303 --> 00:32:07,995 - Oh. Oh... 560 00:32:09,375 --> 00:32:11,032 - Here. 561 00:32:16,451 --> 00:32:18,350 - Thank you. 562 00:32:21,905 --> 00:32:25,115 - Look, I know you're some classy business lady 563 00:32:25,115 --> 00:32:28,394 and I'm just some security guard with a tragic backstory 564 00:32:28,394 --> 00:32:31,466 that's left me incredibly single, but... 565 00:32:31,466 --> 00:32:32,985 is there any chance that you might-- 566 00:32:32,985 --> 00:32:34,780 - 567 00:32:34,780 --> 00:32:37,714 - I'm sorry. I--I have to take this. 568 00:32:41,304 --> 00:32:43,651 - Hannah? - Do you have the crown? 569 00:32:46,171 --> 00:32:48,311 - I'm...working on it. 570 00:32:48,311 --> 00:32:50,106 - HANNAH: Well, what's the hold up? 571 00:32:50,106 --> 00:32:51,624 Olivia, I did not send you there 572 00:32:51,624 --> 00:32:55,628 to walk around with your thumb up your ass. 573 00:32:55,628 --> 00:32:59,529 Olivia, do I need to remind you how much you owe me? 574 00:32:59,529 --> 00:33:05,535 Darling, I was there for you when nobody else was. 575 00:33:05,535 --> 00:33:08,262 Olivia, if you drop one more call, 576 00:33:08,262 --> 00:33:12,162 you're going back out on the street where I found you. 577 00:33:12,162 --> 00:33:14,613 - Yes, Hannah. 578 00:33:17,236 --> 00:33:18,858 - HANNAH: Let me tell you something. 579 00:33:18,858 --> 00:33:21,827 You're lucky I found you on that stoop. 580 00:33:21,827 --> 00:33:24,485 I risked my career for you, so you better repay me-- 581 00:33:24,485 --> 00:33:28,454 - I will. I will get it, Hannah. 582 00:33:28,454 --> 00:33:30,732 - HANNAH: That's a good girl. 583 00:33:32,596 --> 00:33:34,253 - MICHELLE: After a series of losses, 584 00:33:34,253 --> 00:33:38,395 the broads were losing faith. Holed up in the bar-- 585 00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:45,747 - Who the hell? - Hi! What's up, bitch? 586 00:33:45,747 --> 00:33:47,818 - Kim Petras, what are you doing here? 587 00:33:47,818 --> 00:33:50,649 Deck the halls with boughs of-- 588 00:33:50,649 --> 00:33:51,926 - No, hold up, uh-uh. 589 00:33:51,926 --> 00:33:53,479 You can't just come into people's houses 590 00:33:53,479 --> 00:33:54,756 and start singing. 591 00:33:54,756 --> 00:33:56,413 I am in the middle of something, so... 592 00:33:56,413 --> 00:33:58,105 - KIM: Oh, okay. 593 00:34:00,452 --> 00:34:01,901 - Right. - Okay. 594 00:34:01,901 --> 00:34:05,836 - Now, where were we? Ah, right. 595 00:34:05,836 --> 00:34:09,461 The broads were just thinking maybe they should just give up. 596 00:34:12,119 --> 00:34:15,743 - You know, maybe we should just give up. 597 00:34:15,743 --> 00:34:18,608 - I'll never be a pop star after this. 598 00:34:18,608 --> 00:34:20,092 - No, we can't give up. 599 00:34:22,129 --> 00:34:24,545 I mean, did Katie Couric give up 600 00:34:24,545 --> 00:34:26,719 when her daytime talk show was canceled? 601 00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:28,238 - Who? 602 00:34:28,238 --> 00:34:30,689 - Did Rachel Maddow give up when--when everyone said 603 00:34:30,689 --> 00:34:33,140 she looked like a lesbian Andrew Garfield? 604 00:34:33,140 --> 00:34:37,730 - Yeah, but girl, even if we set our -- up 605 00:34:37,730 --> 00:34:42,149 to the Nth degree, we still ain't no Kittenheel Court. 606 00:34:42,149 --> 00:34:44,461 - Maybe that's the problem. 607 00:34:44,461 --> 00:34:46,912 We're trying to be Kittenheel Court. 608 00:34:51,158 --> 00:34:53,919 - Oh, Christ on a cracker, she's climbing on the furniture. 609 00:34:53,919 --> 00:34:56,680 - Who are these Kittenheel Court ladies anyway, huh? 610 00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:59,787 Huh? They're rich. So? 611 00:34:59,787 --> 00:35:02,030 They're--they're--they're manicured. 612 00:35:02,030 --> 00:35:03,135 What else? 613 00:35:03,135 --> 00:35:04,895 - Oh, they also bleach their assholes . 614 00:35:04,895 --> 00:35:07,760 - Exactly! And guess what? 615 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:10,729 Our assholes aren't bleached. 616 00:35:10,729 --> 00:35:13,387 Ours are the color of shit! 617 00:35:13,387 --> 00:35:14,698 And you know why? 618 00:35:14,698 --> 00:35:16,907 - Because that's where shit comes out of? 619 00:35:16,907 --> 00:35:20,635 - Yes, Jane! That is where shit comes out of! 620 00:35:20,635 --> 00:35:23,121 - I like where this is going. 621 00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:26,952 - The Broads are gross. 622 00:35:26,952 --> 00:35:29,230 Hey? We're sluts! 623 00:35:29,230 --> 00:35:30,680 We're messes! 624 00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,372 And we are proud of it. 625 00:35:33,372 --> 00:35:37,583 We've just gotta take our nasty shit 626 00:35:37,583 --> 00:35:40,517 and shove it in their faces. 627 00:35:40,517 --> 00:35:42,968 - What if I usually charge for that? 628 00:35:42,968 --> 00:35:48,801 - We just have to show this town why we are special. 629 00:35:48,801 --> 00:35:52,598 - But--but the Carol Showdown is tomorrow night! 630 00:35:52,598 --> 00:35:55,153 What are we supposed to do? 631 00:35:55,153 --> 00:36:00,503 - Uh...come on, ladies. I've got a plan. 632 00:36:00,503 --> 00:36:01,642 - Is it topless? 633 00:36:05,922 --> 00:36:07,648 - And for those of you just joining us, 634 00:36:07,648 --> 00:36:10,098 tonight is the ultimate Carol Showdown. 635 00:36:10,098 --> 00:36:12,549 - Yes, and the rules are very simple. 636 00:36:12,549 --> 00:36:14,551 Two teams are forced to go head to head 637 00:36:14,551 --> 00:36:17,623 in a high-stakes carol sing-off. 638 00:36:17,623 --> 00:36:21,869 Joy to the world, the Lord has come 639 00:36:25,321 --> 00:36:26,805 Her king 640 00:36:26,805 --> 00:36:29,497 Deck the halls with boughs of holly 641 00:36:29,497 --> 00:36:31,775 la, la, la, la, la 642 00:36:34,364 --> 00:36:37,091 - We better back up, Matt. We're in the splash zone. 643 00:36:37,091 --> 00:36:39,058 Spread your legs and grab your ankles 644 00:36:39,058 --> 00:36:41,544 la, la, la, la, la 645 00:36:41,544 --> 00:36:44,926 Away in a manger 646 00:36:55,972 --> 00:36:58,388 Just rail me, merry gentlemen 647 00:37:00,735 --> 00:37:02,979 I'll grind on top and I won't stop 648 00:37:05,775 --> 00:37:07,155 - What's a bussy? 649 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:10,711 - Skip to the end! 650 00:37:12,022 --> 00:37:13,748 On the 12th day of Christmas 651 00:37:15,785 --> 00:37:16,958 Twelve drummers drumming 652 00:37:16,958 --> 00:37:18,443 Eleven vodka tampons 653 00:37:18,443 --> 00:37:19,582 Ten lords a-leaping 654 00:37:19,582 --> 00:37:20,824 Nine lines of cocaine 655 00:37:20,824 --> 00:37:21,963 Eight maids a-milking 656 00:37:21,963 --> 00:37:23,344 Seven hookers sucking 657 00:37:23,344 --> 00:37:24,759 Six geese a-laying 658 00:37:24,759 --> 00:37:28,970 Five gold cock rings 659 00:37:28,970 --> 00:37:30,282 Four calling birds 660 00:37:30,282 --> 00:37:31,318 Three big shits 661 00:37:31,318 --> 00:37:32,526 Two turtledoves 662 00:37:32,526 --> 00:37:33,527 And a-- 663 00:37:36,944 --> 00:37:38,152 - Ooh! 664 00:37:50,026 --> 00:37:52,718 - That was the most inappropriate, 665 00:37:52,718 --> 00:37:55,342 disgusting, puerile performance 666 00:37:55,342 --> 00:37:59,346 in the history of the ball! 667 00:37:59,346 --> 00:38:01,520 And I'm gagging for more! 668 00:38:04,627 --> 00:38:07,181 - Oh! I might as well just call it now. 669 00:38:07,181 --> 00:38:11,599 The Broads win the entire carol battle! 670 00:38:13,532 --> 00:38:14,878 - Oh! 671 00:38:17,916 --> 00:38:21,126 - Everybody! - Okay! 672 00:38:21,126 --> 00:38:23,542 Ladies, I think it's time to wrap it up. 673 00:38:23,542 --> 00:38:24,681 - Oh, no! 674 00:38:24,681 --> 00:38:26,269 - Yes, you guys! 675 00:38:26,269 --> 00:38:27,650 We have to practice. 676 00:38:27,650 --> 00:38:29,376 So get some rest for tomorrow, okay? 677 00:38:30,584 --> 00:38:32,689 - You too, Hazel. I'm gonna close up. 678 00:38:32,689 --> 00:38:35,520 - Mm, well, goodnight. - Goodnight. 679 00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,107 - Rest? I have to go to work now. 680 00:38:37,107 --> 00:38:40,490 - She should close up shop. - Come on, girls. 681 00:38:42,561 --> 00:38:45,668 - Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed. 682 00:38:45,668 --> 00:38:47,704 - So I guess I'm too late for a nightcap? 683 00:38:54,401 --> 00:38:56,264 - So what's a girl from the Gobi Desert doing 684 00:38:56,264 --> 00:38:57,783 in a town like this? 685 00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:01,511 - You have any... 686 00:39:01,511 --> 00:39:02,926 Gobi boyfriends? 687 00:39:02,926 --> 00:39:04,963 - Oh, no, no. 688 00:39:04,963 --> 00:39:06,378 I'm sort of married to my job. 689 00:39:06,378 --> 00:39:09,623 - 690 00:39:09,623 --> 00:39:11,556 - I feel that. 691 00:39:11,556 --> 00:39:15,629 I've also thrown myself into my job ever since... 692 00:39:15,629 --> 00:39:17,803 the accident. - 693 00:39:17,803 --> 00:39:20,047 - She was my wife. 694 00:39:20,047 --> 00:39:22,877 - Oh, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to. 695 00:39:22,877 --> 00:39:26,743 - It was December. A day like any other. 696 00:39:26,743 --> 00:39:29,919 Except it was the day my wife died. 697 00:39:29,919 --> 00:39:32,818 There I was, watching her leave for her job 698 00:39:32,818 --> 00:39:35,511 as the town's clock tower technician. 699 00:39:36,443 --> 00:39:38,341 - Aw! 700 00:39:38,341 --> 00:39:41,344 - She knew that clock inside and out. 701 00:39:41,344 --> 00:39:46,832 AM...and PM. 702 00:39:46,832 --> 00:39:49,939 It was supposed to be a routine maintenance job. 703 00:39:49,939 --> 00:39:52,113 Loosening of a bolt here. 704 00:39:52,113 --> 00:39:55,600 Straightening of a hand there. 705 00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:59,327 Just like every other inspection. 706 00:39:59,327 --> 00:40:01,295 Except it was the one that killed my wife. 707 00:40:01,295 --> 00:40:02,779 - Again, if this is too touchy for you-- 708 00:40:02,779 --> 00:40:04,609 - She was mangled. 709 00:40:04,609 --> 00:40:08,716 Sucked into the gears like a piece of saltwater taffy. 710 00:40:08,716 --> 00:40:11,409 Her bones crushed by the pendulum. 711 00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:14,066 Her head... 712 00:40:14,066 --> 00:40:18,312 popping open from the sheer force of the pulleys. 713 00:40:18,312 --> 00:40:22,247 You ever try wiping brain matter off a giant bell? 714 00:40:22,247 --> 00:40:23,628 - No, I haven't. 715 00:40:23,628 --> 00:40:26,907 - That's because your wife didn't die in a clocktower! 716 00:40:33,672 --> 00:40:36,710 - She was so dead. 717 00:40:36,710 --> 00:40:40,541 Deader than print journalism. 718 00:40:40,541 --> 00:40:43,682 Her body so... 719 00:40:43,682 --> 00:40:47,859 mangled by the gears, so stiff with... 720 00:40:47,859 --> 00:40:51,138 rigor mortis. 721 00:40:51,138 --> 00:40:53,174 It was impossible to get out. 722 00:40:55,004 --> 00:40:58,697 So now every time I look up... 723 00:40:58,697 --> 00:41:01,286 I know the exact time she died. 724 00:41:07,603 --> 00:41:10,675 - Wow. 725 00:41:10,675 --> 00:41:14,195 I never told anyone that before. 726 00:41:14,195 --> 00:41:16,819 Except everyone in town who watched it happen. 727 00:41:16,819 --> 00:41:18,614 - Yeah. 728 00:41:18,614 --> 00:41:20,305 - You look just like her. - Oh-- 729 00:41:20,305 --> 00:41:22,376 - Would you ever consider wearing a blonde wig? 730 00:41:23,550 --> 00:41:25,690 - Sorry. 731 00:41:25,690 --> 00:41:26,932 - Olivia, darling, 732 00:41:26,932 --> 00:41:29,832 why are you not answering my phone calls? 733 00:41:29,832 --> 00:41:31,972 Were you eaten by dogs or something? 734 00:41:31,972 --> 00:41:33,801 - VOICEMAIL ROBOT: Sorry, bitch. This mailbox is full. 735 00:41:33,801 --> 00:41:35,665 - It better not be. 736 00:41:35,665 --> 00:41:37,218 - VOICEMAIL ROBOT: Making room for more messages. 737 00:41:37,218 --> 00:41:39,876 You ain't gotta be all extra. - Good, thank you. 738 00:41:42,534 --> 00:41:46,296 Never send a reporter to do an editor's job. 739 00:41:51,370 --> 00:41:53,925 - What were we even laughing about? 740 00:41:53,925 --> 00:41:55,616 - Can't even remember! 741 00:41:58,481 --> 00:42:02,865 So, what about you? You have any family? 742 00:42:02,865 --> 00:42:04,936 - Oh, um... 743 00:42:04,936 --> 00:42:07,525 I don't really talk about my family that much. 744 00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:10,528 - Is that because they died in a clock tower? 745 00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:13,047 - No, uh... 746 00:42:13,047 --> 00:42:15,222 I just don't think they ever really wanted me. 747 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:21,297 - Hey, um, what's that? 748 00:42:21,297 --> 00:42:25,059 - Oh, that's Mayor Coont 30 years ago. 749 00:42:25,059 --> 00:42:29,236 She was the best winter queen this town ever had. 750 00:42:29,236 --> 00:42:31,341 - Who's that standing behind her? 751 00:42:31,341 --> 00:42:34,103 - BIG RUSS: That's her sister, Marianne. 752 00:42:34,103 --> 00:42:35,725 She used to write for the local paper, 753 00:42:35,725 --> 00:42:39,004 but nobody ever read her articles. 754 00:42:39,004 --> 00:42:41,213 It's sad, really. 755 00:42:41,213 --> 00:42:44,492 She was always living in the Mayor's shadow. 756 00:42:44,492 --> 00:42:45,908 - Was? 757 00:42:49,152 --> 00:42:52,190 - Nobody ever knew what happened to her. 758 00:42:52,190 --> 00:42:53,225 - Oh. 759 00:42:53,225 --> 00:42:55,538 - She went missing on that very day. 760 00:43:02,545 --> 00:43:04,547 - Well, it's getting late. - Yeah. 761 00:43:08,240 --> 00:43:10,001 Hey. 762 00:43:11,105 --> 00:43:13,280 Maybe I could take you out for that coffee sometime. 763 00:43:15,144 --> 00:43:16,421 And don't worry. 764 00:43:16,421 --> 00:43:19,907 I won't talk about my dead wife. 765 00:43:19,907 --> 00:43:21,081 Too much. 766 00:43:24,222 --> 00:43:26,086 - I'll think about it. 767 00:43:36,786 --> 00:43:38,581 - 768 00:43:38,581 --> 00:43:40,134 - BIG RUSS: Yeah, I'll just let myself out. 769 00:43:42,274 --> 00:43:43,759 - Three minutes left in the Tree Lighting Challenge, 770 00:43:43,759 --> 00:43:45,415 and this competition is heating up 771 00:43:45,415 --> 00:43:47,486 faster than my wife's undercarriage. 772 00:43:47,486 --> 00:43:51,318 - Mm, and trust me, that is pretty fast. 773 00:43:51,318 --> 00:43:54,632 - And how would you know that, Matt? 774 00:44:01,155 --> 00:44:02,467 - Oh. - Oh. 775 00:44:02,467 --> 00:44:03,675 - Oh. - Oh! 776 00:44:03,675 --> 00:44:05,159 - Bea, that's our tree? 777 00:44:05,159 --> 00:44:06,505 - Yeah, and you might wanna grab it 778 00:44:06,505 --> 00:44:09,060 before the hospital realizes it's missing. 779 00:44:09,060 --> 00:44:11,890 Get it! - Uh, ladies? 780 00:44:11,890 --> 00:44:14,065 Look at Kittenheel Court. 781 00:44:14,065 --> 00:44:16,826 - Yoo-hoo! Get a load of this, girls! 782 00:44:16,826 --> 00:44:17,931 - 783 00:44:21,210 --> 00:44:23,005 - You know, I think we're going to need more lights. 784 00:44:23,005 --> 00:44:24,178 - Yeah. 785 00:44:25,904 --> 00:44:27,112 - I have an idea. 786 00:44:27,112 --> 00:44:31,427 - Oh, good. Where are you going? 787 00:44:31,427 --> 00:44:34,188 - MAYOR COONT: Bertram! We only have a few minutes. 788 00:44:34,188 --> 00:44:38,883 Mmmwah! Ah ha--oh! Oh, no! 789 00:44:38,883 --> 00:44:43,128 Ah, I feel so safe with you, Bertram. 790 00:44:43,128 --> 00:44:45,613 Oh, oh, oh... 791 00:44:48,030 --> 00:44:52,275 That's why I trusted you 792 00:44:52,275 --> 00:44:56,694 to keep the crown in your bank. Ooh, yeah! 793 00:44:56,694 --> 00:44:58,730 - MAYOR COONT: Shh, shh, shh! 794 00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:03,424 - Oh, ladies, that looks a lot better. 795 00:45:03,424 --> 00:45:05,081 It's like Rockefeller Center. 796 00:45:06,669 --> 00:45:09,154 - But you know, this tree's still missing a certain... 797 00:45:09,154 --> 00:45:10,949 je ne sais quoi. 798 00:45:10,949 --> 00:45:12,882 Oh, I know! 799 00:45:12,882 --> 00:45:15,851 We don't have a star for the top. 800 00:45:15,851 --> 00:45:18,060 - I have another idea. 801 00:45:18,060 --> 00:45:20,372 - Oh. 802 00:45:20,372 --> 00:45:22,858 - And now for the final judging. 803 00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:35,629 Oh! 804 00:45:44,672 --> 00:45:46,364 - Get her, Jane. 805 00:45:52,853 --> 00:45:58,756 Ave Maria 806 00:46:07,557 --> 00:46:13,425 something Latin 807 00:46:35,068 --> 00:46:36,414 - We need to talk. 808 00:46:37,449 --> 00:46:40,176 - We are saving this inn! 809 00:46:44,146 --> 00:46:46,320 - Girls, tonight, for the rest of the night, 810 00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:48,357 all drinks are on me. 811 00:46:51,187 --> 00:46:53,672 - I got you, girl! I got you! 812 00:47:00,024 --> 00:47:02,336 - So I was thinking about that coffee. 813 00:47:02,336 --> 00:47:07,721 - 814 00:47:07,721 --> 00:47:10,931 - Maggie's phone. This is Hazel speaking? 815 00:47:10,931 --> 00:47:13,658 - Who the hell is Maggie? 816 00:47:13,658 --> 00:47:15,453 - Hazel? Hazel, what are you doing? 817 00:47:15,453 --> 00:47:17,041 - Oh, I'm just talking to some woman 818 00:47:17,041 --> 00:47:18,766 that's trapped inside your phone. 819 00:47:18,766 --> 00:47:20,838 - I'm her boss. 820 00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:21,873 - Oh! - What? 821 00:47:21,873 --> 00:47:23,150 No, no, girls, look. 822 00:47:23,150 --> 00:47:25,221 It's Maggie's boss from the journal factory! 823 00:47:29,156 --> 00:47:32,539 - Maggie's the best! 824 00:47:32,539 --> 00:47:34,679 - Hannah, I'm just gonna go over that journal protoype. 825 00:47:34,679 --> 00:47:38,131 It just--it has a gun in it. 826 00:47:38,131 --> 00:47:41,237 - Oh, I love guns! 827 00:47:41,237 --> 00:47:42,549 - HANNAH: Olivia, tell me, darling, 828 00:47:42,549 --> 00:47:45,379 does my limo have a toilet in it? 829 00:47:45,379 --> 00:47:46,587 - Not that I know of. 830 00:47:46,587 --> 00:47:48,072 - Then why did you send me something 831 00:47:48,072 --> 00:47:50,626 I could wipe my ass with? 832 00:47:50,626 --> 00:47:52,904 - It's a new take on the exposé. 833 00:47:52,904 --> 00:47:56,597 It's--it's strong women coming together against all odds. 834 00:47:56,597 --> 00:47:59,497 - You were supposed to find me gossip. 835 00:47:59,497 --> 00:48:03,328 You were supposed to find me that crown. 836 00:48:03,328 --> 00:48:05,503 But, if you'd rather make friends with a bunch of 837 00:48:05,503 --> 00:48:10,301 overgrown orangutans, then be my guest. 838 00:48:10,301 --> 00:48:14,650 I guess that promotion is going up in flames. 839 00:48:14,650 --> 00:48:17,411 I'm hanging up. - No, wait, wait, wait. 840 00:48:17,411 --> 00:48:20,173 I know where the crown is hiding. 841 00:48:20,173 --> 00:48:23,797 It's in a vault, locked in a bank. 842 00:48:23,797 --> 00:48:25,557 And I have the code. 843 00:48:25,557 --> 00:48:27,766 - How do you know that? - I eavesdropped on the mayor 844 00:48:27,766 --> 00:48:30,010 having an affair with the banker. 845 00:48:30,010 --> 00:48:31,667 - Well, well, well. 846 00:48:31,667 --> 00:48:34,118 It looks like this town's grapevine 847 00:48:34,118 --> 00:48:36,914 just got a whole lot juicier. 848 00:48:38,743 --> 00:48:42,436 I've changed my mind. Don't worry about the crown. 849 00:48:42,436 --> 00:48:45,025 Focus on rewriting the exposé. 850 00:48:45,025 --> 00:48:49,547 But I want something that grabs me by the labia 851 00:48:49,547 --> 00:48:51,514 and makes me wanna listen. 852 00:48:51,514 --> 00:48:56,036 Uh, uh, uh, cheating husbands, slutty mayors. 853 00:48:56,036 --> 00:48:58,487 Those ugly friends of yours. 854 00:48:58,487 --> 00:49:01,628 - The Broads? No, no, they're great. 855 00:49:01,628 --> 00:49:03,733 They're--they're like the "Sex and the City" girls. 856 00:49:03,733 --> 00:49:06,081 - Yeah, if the city were Chernobyl. 857 00:49:07,323 --> 00:49:09,187 Hey, just curious. 858 00:49:09,187 --> 00:49:12,570 What is the code to that crown vault? 859 00:49:12,570 --> 00:49:15,814 - Oh, it--it's just 80085. Why? 860 00:49:15,814 --> 00:49:16,884 - No reason. 861 00:49:16,884 --> 00:49:19,887 Hey listen, I'm getting another call. 862 00:49:19,887 --> 00:49:24,720 Just have that exposé in my email tomorrow morning... 863 00:49:24,720 --> 00:49:30,070 and that promotion is yours. 864 00:49:32,590 --> 00:49:34,419 - You can come out now. 865 00:49:36,939 --> 00:49:39,045 You're the private investigator I called. 866 00:49:39,045 --> 00:49:42,117 - Mr. E at your service. 867 00:49:42,117 --> 00:49:44,015 - Her name is Maggie Zeen. 868 00:49:44,015 --> 00:49:46,673 Something about her doesn't sit right with me. 869 00:49:46,673 --> 00:49:49,469 - So you think someone murdered her. 870 00:49:49,469 --> 00:49:51,505 - What? No, she's alive. 871 00:49:51,505 --> 00:49:55,199 - Lady, I specialize in homicide. 872 00:49:55,199 --> 00:49:56,890 Dead girls, mostly. 873 00:49:56,890 --> 00:50:00,825 I can find a dead girl in a quarry, or a stream, 874 00:50:00,825 --> 00:50:05,795 or an oil drum floating down a cranberry bog. 875 00:50:05,795 --> 00:50:07,901 - I just need you to look into her. 876 00:50:07,901 --> 00:50:09,385 Dig around, find any-- 877 00:50:09,385 --> 00:50:11,939 - Semen inside her? 878 00:50:11,939 --> 00:50:13,458 - No. 879 00:50:13,458 --> 00:50:17,186 She's at the Tuck'd Inn right now, as in not dead? 880 00:50:17,186 --> 00:50:18,739 - She's dead. 881 00:50:18,739 --> 00:50:20,776 - And she's with all these other women. 882 00:50:20,776 --> 00:50:23,572 - Oh my, we're talking about a serial killer. 883 00:50:23,572 --> 00:50:25,781 - None of them are dead. 884 00:50:25,781 --> 00:50:30,786 - Dead girls at an inn. Got it. 885 00:50:30,786 --> 00:50:32,339 Well, here's what I'm gonna do. 886 00:50:32,339 --> 00:50:34,686 Go down there, shine my black light, 887 00:50:34,686 --> 00:50:39,588 hopefully find enough semen to crack this case wide open. 888 00:50:39,588 --> 00:50:43,833 - You can't just walk in there. You look like a detective. 889 00:50:43,833 --> 00:50:47,423 - Oh yeah? What's that supposed to mean? 890 00:50:47,423 --> 00:50:48,976 - You'll need a disguise, 891 00:50:48,976 --> 00:50:52,221 something to blend in with these women. 892 00:50:52,221 --> 00:50:54,982 - Lady, I'm a detective. 893 00:50:54,982 --> 00:50:59,470 All I wear is a badge and an alcohol-soaked jacket 894 00:50:59,470 --> 00:51:02,818 that screams my son died in a car wreck. 895 00:51:02,818 --> 00:51:04,889 - I think I might have something. 896 00:51:11,344 --> 00:51:12,655 - I just came home. 897 00:51:15,865 --> 00:51:18,558 - MICHELLE: All night, Olivia typed, tangled up in her sheets, 898 00:51:18,558 --> 00:51:22,389 with a focus on the Broads for her new smear piece. 899 00:51:22,389 --> 00:51:26,221 - They were ugly, with no sense of style. 900 00:51:26,221 --> 00:51:30,052 Did I mention they were really ugly? 901 00:51:30,052 --> 00:51:32,572 Damn, I hate how good this is. 902 00:51:34,263 --> 00:51:36,576 - Uh... - Knock knock! 903 00:51:36,576 --> 00:51:39,682 Room service! 904 00:51:39,682 --> 00:51:41,891 Did somebody order up the best friend special? 905 00:51:41,891 --> 00:51:43,859 - Oh girls, I'm not really dressed! 906 00:51:43,859 --> 00:51:47,034 - We wanted to find you before the Winter Feast today 907 00:51:47,034 --> 00:51:48,553 and give you a little gift 908 00:51:48,553 --> 00:51:50,969 for all the ways you've been helping us. 909 00:51:51,901 --> 00:51:53,972 - It's an-- - It's an ornament. 910 00:51:53,972 --> 00:51:56,906 You know, a symbol of our friendship. 911 00:51:56,906 --> 00:51:59,944 You know how we would never betray or lie to each other? 912 00:51:59,944 --> 00:52:02,291 - And the glass represents how transparent 913 00:52:02,291 --> 00:52:03,637 we've all been with each other. 914 00:52:03,637 --> 00:52:05,052 - And it's broken to represent 915 00:52:05,052 --> 00:52:07,434 how if one of us stabs the rest of us in the back, 916 00:52:07,434 --> 00:52:10,851 it would just break our hearts into a million little pieces. 917 00:52:10,851 --> 00:52:13,268 Just get out... 918 00:52:13,268 --> 00:52:14,752 - Wha-- 919 00:52:14,752 --> 00:52:18,065 - MICHELLE: In that moment, Olivia's blood ran cold. 920 00:52:18,065 --> 00:52:20,378 Did they find out her secret? Only the-- 921 00:52:21,414 --> 00:52:23,657 - Okay, now who is that? 922 00:52:23,657 --> 00:52:26,453 - Charo! 923 00:52:28,593 --> 00:52:31,078 that we are in the same neighborhood! Woo! 924 00:52:31,078 --> 00:52:33,702 - Charo, we don't live in the same neighborhood. 925 00:52:33,702 --> 00:52:37,706 I am in a cabin in the middle of the goddamn mountains. 926 00:52:37,706 --> 00:52:42,883 Please, please, please? 927 00:52:42,883 --> 00:52:44,851 Mucho, mucho, mucho! Por favor? 928 00:52:44,851 --> 00:52:46,266 - You want to sing me a song? 929 00:52:46,266 --> 00:52:48,613 - Claro. 930 00:52:48,613 --> 00:52:50,132 - You know what I want? 931 00:52:50,132 --> 00:52:53,446 I want people to call before they come and visit me. 932 00:52:53,446 --> 00:52:55,241 But that's not gonna happen, is it? 933 00:52:55,241 --> 00:52:56,552 - No, surprise. 934 00:52:56,552 --> 00:52:58,865 - So, sientate. Sit next to Kim Petras. 935 00:52:58,865 --> 00:53:00,798 And I'd like to wrap up this story, okay? 936 00:53:00,798 --> 00:53:02,075 - Okay. - Okay. 937 00:53:02,075 --> 00:53:03,041 - Okay. 938 00:53:03,041 --> 00:53:04,319 - It's getting pretty good, yeah. 939 00:53:04,319 --> 00:53:05,906 - Very good. - Yeah. 940 00:53:05,906 --> 00:53:09,116 - Okay, now, where were we? 941 00:53:09,116 --> 00:53:11,912 Right. 942 00:53:11,912 --> 00:53:15,985 - Did you really think you could fool us? 943 00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:19,713 - Oh my god. How did you find out? 944 00:53:19,713 --> 00:53:21,750 - What? That we disturbed Maggie Zeen 945 00:53:21,750 --> 00:53:23,579 flicking the old Maggie bean? 946 00:53:25,857 --> 00:53:27,997 - You got it! You got me! 947 00:53:27,997 --> 00:53:30,207 - Come on, girls, let her whip up a bowl 948 00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:32,174 of -- chili in piece. 949 00:53:33,658 --> 00:53:35,695 - And now you know why that mattress is so wet. 950 00:53:37,490 --> 00:53:39,250 - Circular motions or mixed? 951 00:53:39,250 --> 00:53:41,666 - HAZEL: Do you need a hand? 'Cause I watched some videos. 952 00:53:48,501 --> 00:53:50,917 - What were we even laughing about? 953 00:53:50,917 --> 00:53:52,505 - I literally can never remember. 954 00:53:54,714 --> 00:53:56,854 - Here, I got you something. 955 00:53:56,854 --> 00:53:58,304 - Oh, good, another present. 956 00:53:59,684 --> 00:54:03,412 Oh, oh, thank god. It's just some old newspaper. 957 00:54:03,412 --> 00:54:05,414 - Oh, no, I just wrapped it in that. 958 00:54:05,414 --> 00:54:08,624 It's actually an ornament that represents our relationship. 959 00:54:08,624 --> 00:54:13,836 - Oh. I'll open it later. 960 00:54:13,836 --> 00:54:16,253 Hey, what is this article? 961 00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:17,357 - BIG RUSS: I don't know. 962 00:54:17,357 --> 00:54:18,841 I found it in the mayor's office. 963 00:54:18,841 --> 00:54:20,395 Now it's all dirty. 964 00:54:27,333 --> 00:54:28,541 - Um... 965 00:54:28,541 --> 00:54:32,752 "The mayor's sister, Marianne..." 966 00:54:32,752 --> 00:54:34,926 Hey, I thought their name was "Coont," not "Urcoont." 967 00:54:34,926 --> 00:54:35,996 - It was. 968 00:54:35,996 --> 00:54:37,929 The mayor changed it for the campaign. 969 00:54:39,862 --> 00:54:41,588 It's funny how some people think they can get ahead 970 00:54:41,588 --> 00:54:43,590 just by changing their whole identity. 971 00:54:47,698 --> 00:54:49,838 - Russ, there's something I have to tell you. 972 00:54:49,838 --> 00:54:52,185 - Shhhh! 973 00:54:54,601 --> 00:54:57,363 You don't even need to say it. 974 00:54:57,363 --> 00:55:00,538 I'm falling in love with you too. 975 00:55:00,538 --> 00:55:02,540 - Oh! 976 00:55:02,540 --> 00:55:07,752 - And...I know it feels wrong to say in front of my dead wife-- 977 00:55:13,240 --> 00:55:15,657 - --but these last three days have opened my eyes 978 00:55:15,657 --> 00:55:18,453 to what love looks like. 979 00:55:18,453 --> 00:55:21,904 Real love, not dead wife love. 980 00:55:21,904 --> 00:55:25,805 - Oh, Russ. I'm not who I say I am. 981 00:55:28,704 --> 00:55:30,396 - What was that? 982 00:55:30,396 --> 00:55:33,330 - Oh, um, I was just saying that I'm not Maggie. 983 00:55:35,435 --> 00:55:38,058 - What were you saying? - I've been lying to you. 984 00:55:40,475 --> 00:55:41,890 I'm an undercover reporter. 985 00:55:44,133 --> 00:55:45,963 My name's Olivia St. LaPelle, and I-- 986 00:55:47,896 --> 00:55:50,036 This isn't even my real hair. 987 00:55:57,112 --> 00:55:59,908 - I have no idea what you just said. 988 00:55:59,908 --> 00:56:04,222 All I know is that I love you, Maggie Zeen. 989 00:56:04,222 --> 00:56:06,466 - I love you too! 990 00:56:23,103 --> 00:56:28,177 - Uh, hi. I would like a room, please. 991 00:56:28,177 --> 00:56:33,390 Um, if possible, next to Maggie Zeen. 992 00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:35,875 - This broad knows Maggie? 993 00:56:35,875 --> 00:56:38,498 - You look a little funny to me. 994 00:56:38,498 --> 00:56:41,294 - I do? - Yes. 995 00:56:41,294 --> 00:56:45,505 You're a suspiciously tall woman. 996 00:56:45,505 --> 00:56:47,680 - Who did you say you were again? 997 00:56:47,680 --> 00:56:49,406 - Oh, I'm... 998 00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:52,167 um... 999 00:56:52,167 --> 00:56:54,583 Inn... 1000 00:56:54,583 --> 00:56:58,449 vest... 1001 00:56:58,449 --> 00:57:00,900 ...tigator. 1002 00:57:00,900 --> 00:57:02,902 - An investigator? 1003 00:57:02,902 --> 00:57:04,800 - Oh, shit. 1004 00:57:04,800 --> 00:57:07,907 - Oh! Like you invest in the reptiles! 1005 00:57:09,598 --> 00:57:12,808 - Why didn't you say so in the first place, girl? 1006 00:57:13,844 --> 00:57:15,880 - Faster. - Oh. 1007 00:57:33,242 --> 00:57:35,279 - Definitely... 1008 00:57:35,279 --> 00:57:39,317 Ooh, a lot of semen. 1009 00:57:39,317 --> 00:57:41,734 Naughty business, huh? 1010 00:57:41,734 --> 00:57:44,253 Ah! 1011 00:57:44,253 --> 00:57:46,980 Well, well, well. 1012 00:57:46,980 --> 00:57:49,569 "Olivia St. LaPelle." 1013 00:57:49,569 --> 00:57:52,641 That's not your name. 1014 00:57:52,641 --> 00:57:54,574 Busted! 1015 00:58:02,789 --> 00:58:08,415 - Delia? Yeah, I think I got something. 1016 00:58:08,415 --> 00:58:10,832 - Now, the Christmas Feast is one of the most nerve-wracking 1017 00:58:10,832 --> 00:58:12,972 challenges in the Winter Ball. 1018 00:58:12,972 --> 00:58:15,388 - And Mayor Coont never says what she's thinking, 1019 00:58:15,388 --> 00:58:17,908 but there are a few telltale signs. 1020 00:58:17,908 --> 00:58:21,290 If she raises an eyebrow, she likes it. 1021 00:58:25,916 --> 00:58:27,158 - Yep. - She likes it. 1022 00:58:27,158 --> 00:58:28,850 And if she purses her lips, ooh! 1023 00:58:28,850 --> 00:58:31,059 It's awful. 1024 00:58:34,925 --> 00:58:36,547 - KRESTON: Yuck! 1025 00:58:36,547 --> 00:58:40,517 - And if she scratches her head, it's because she has eczema. 1026 00:58:42,553 --> 00:58:45,038 - Careful, honey, it's heavy. 1027 00:58:56,843 --> 00:58:58,465 - I'll take seconds. 1028 00:59:01,538 --> 00:59:02,884 - Oh! - What? 1029 00:59:02,884 --> 00:59:05,024 For the first time in Winter Ball history, 1030 00:59:05,024 --> 00:59:07,854 the mayor is getting seconds! 1031 00:59:07,854 --> 00:59:09,960 - Yay, I love this part! 1032 00:59:12,790 --> 00:59:16,656 - Well, what's a Christmas feast without a little toast? 1033 00:59:16,656 --> 00:59:19,072 To the Downtown Broads. 1034 00:59:21,661 --> 00:59:23,663 - Oh, let's not forget their incomparable leader, 1035 00:59:23,663 --> 00:59:24,871 Maggie Zeen. 1036 00:59:24,871 --> 00:59:26,528 Let's hear it for Maggie Zeen, y'all! 1037 00:59:30,359 --> 00:59:35,744 - Or should I say, Olivia St. LaPelle. 1038 00:59:35,744 --> 00:59:38,367 - Olivia St...LaWho? 1039 00:59:38,367 --> 00:59:41,647 - Your little leader is actually an undercover journalist. 1040 00:59:41,647 --> 00:59:43,372 - What? 1041 00:59:43,372 --> 00:59:44,615 - A journalist? 1042 00:59:44,615 --> 00:59:46,375 She makes journals. 1043 00:59:46,375 --> 00:59:47,722 - Yeah. 1044 00:59:47,722 --> 00:59:51,760 - No, she's a reporter writing an exposé on Tuckahoe! 1045 00:59:56,903 --> 01:00:00,873 - "It's fitting that I, Olivia, not Maggie, 1046 01:00:00,873 --> 01:00:03,392 "pretended to lead them to victory. 1047 01:00:03,392 --> 01:00:05,809 "After all, I can't imagine a more fitting street 1048 01:00:05,809 --> 01:00:07,880 "to exemplify Tuckahoe, 1049 01:00:07,880 --> 01:00:11,055 "a back-alley cesspool of fugly-ass skanks 1050 01:00:11,055 --> 01:00:13,023 "with no discernable talent. 1051 01:00:13,023 --> 01:00:15,784 And oh yeah, they also smelled like shit." 1052 01:00:15,784 --> 01:00:18,649 - 1053 01:00:18,649 --> 01:00:20,133 - DELIA: Damn, that's good! 1054 01:00:22,688 --> 01:00:24,655 - Maggie? Is this true? 1055 01:00:24,655 --> 01:00:27,762 - Russ, this is what I was trying to tell you earlier. 1056 01:00:27,762 --> 01:00:30,350 - And now you're gaslighting me? 1057 01:00:30,350 --> 01:00:32,456 Are you even from the Gobi Desert? 1058 01:00:36,667 --> 01:00:41,879 - If these allegations are true, the Downtown Broads will be 1059 01:00:41,879 --> 01:00:47,367 immediately eliminated from this ball. Well? 1060 01:00:50,923 --> 01:00:51,889 - They're true. 1061 01:00:55,513 --> 01:00:56,860 - They're all true. 1062 01:00:58,378 --> 01:01:00,173 - That was a wig? 1063 01:01:00,173 --> 01:01:06,007 - Maggie Zeen, your team is disqualified! 1064 01:01:07,146 --> 01:01:09,389 - Girls! Girls, I'm so sorry! 1065 01:01:09,389 --> 01:01:13,980 - No. You don't come near us. 1066 01:01:13,980 --> 01:01:16,534 You were never a Broad. 1067 01:01:16,534 --> 01:01:18,122 You're just a bitch. 1068 01:01:19,848 --> 01:01:22,161 - GUY IN AUDIENCE: Boo! 1069 01:01:22,161 --> 01:01:25,405 - Wow. I guess print journalism really is dead! 1070 01:01:37,866 --> 01:01:40,075 - Oh, hi. 1071 01:01:40,075 --> 01:01:42,802 I'm here to open an account. 1072 01:01:42,802 --> 01:01:44,286 Mind if I light up? 1073 01:01:48,635 --> 01:01:53,710 - Oh, and, uh, by the way, this isn't a deposit. 1074 01:01:53,710 --> 01:01:56,954 It's a withdrawal. 1075 01:02:02,788 --> 01:02:06,930 80085-pound-enter. 1076 01:02:41,240 --> 01:02:45,175 Oh, hello, gorgeous. 1077 01:02:45,175 --> 01:02:47,729 If the crown fits... 1078 01:02:47,729 --> 01:02:49,524 take it. 1079 01:02:54,874 --> 01:02:57,774 - MICHELLE: As Hannah hatched her plan and snatched the crown, 1080 01:02:57,774 --> 01:03:02,606 Olivia packed her bags and said goodbye to that little town. 1081 01:03:08,094 --> 01:03:10,234 - Getting on? 1082 01:03:23,178 --> 01:03:25,491 - You're not a regular bus driver, are you? 1083 01:03:25,491 --> 01:03:28,908 - Of course not, hon! I'm the spirit of Christmas. 1084 01:03:28,908 --> 01:03:32,601 - So are you gonna take me to scenes from my past and... 1085 01:03:32,601 --> 01:03:34,983 hopefully change my perspective about Christmas? 1086 01:03:34,983 --> 01:03:37,503 - You're about to see all the moments 1087 01:03:37,503 --> 01:03:40,851 that made you who you are, Madelyn. 1088 01:03:40,851 --> 01:03:43,750 - Madelyn? Who's Madelyn? 1089 01:03:43,750 --> 01:03:44,890 - You're not Madelyn? 1090 01:03:44,890 --> 01:03:48,755 - No, I'm Olivia. - Shit! 1091 01:03:50,136 --> 01:03:52,345 - Why, I was supposed to be Madelyn's spirit guide tonight. 1092 01:03:52,345 --> 01:03:53,968 Where the fuck is she? 1093 01:03:53,968 --> 01:03:55,245 - I, I don't--I don't know. 1094 01:03:55,245 --> 01:03:57,868 I'm--I'm sorry I can't help you. 1095 01:03:57,868 --> 01:04:03,425 Well, you look like you're goin' through something. 1096 01:04:03,425 --> 01:04:05,772 Maybe we can work out your stuff instead. 1097 01:04:05,772 --> 01:04:07,015 - Okay, yeah, sure. 1098 01:04:07,015 --> 01:04:10,501 - Hang on, baby. 1099 01:04:13,988 --> 01:04:16,853 - Wow. Where are we? 1100 01:04:16,853 --> 01:04:18,889 - Girl, I don't know. This is your past. 1101 01:04:24,274 --> 01:04:25,896 - HANNAH: Olivia! 1102 01:04:25,896 --> 01:04:28,209 You drop one more call and you're back out on the street 1103 01:04:28,209 --> 01:04:29,900 where I found you. 1104 01:04:29,900 --> 01:04:32,592 - Yes, Hannah. 1105 01:04:32,592 --> 01:04:34,594 - HANNAH: Now I'm off for my third lunch, baby. 1106 01:04:34,594 --> 01:04:36,907 Those articles better be proofread and on my desk 1107 01:04:36,907 --> 01:04:39,082 by the end of the day. 1108 01:04:39,082 --> 01:04:41,808 - But, isn't it Christmas? 1109 01:04:41,808 --> 01:04:45,191 - Christmas? Who cares about Christmas? 1110 01:04:45,191 --> 01:04:48,263 The one thing that's gonna make you happy in this bankrupt world 1111 01:04:48,263 --> 01:04:50,956 is a promotion! Remember that! 1112 01:05:03,727 --> 01:05:07,524 - Hey, there, girly. Uh, what are you doing? 1113 01:05:07,524 --> 01:05:11,045 - Working, like always. 1114 01:05:11,045 --> 01:05:12,391 - Oh, why don't you take a break? 1115 01:05:12,391 --> 01:05:14,600 You know, go outside, make some friends? 1116 01:05:16,947 --> 01:05:19,260 Stop it. Stop. 1117 01:05:19,260 --> 01:05:22,090 Stop working. No-- 1118 01:05:22,090 --> 01:05:23,643 Stop it! Don't-- 1119 01:05:24,541 --> 01:05:27,199 Just--just look at me! Hey! 1120 01:05:27,199 --> 01:05:30,271 - It's almost as if you always threw yourself into work because 1121 01:05:30,271 --> 01:05:33,067 that's where you derive all your worth. 1122 01:05:33,067 --> 01:05:34,585 Come on. 1123 01:05:34,585 --> 01:05:36,622 - But how was I supposed to know any better? 1124 01:05:36,622 --> 01:05:39,694 My parents abandoned me on a goddamn stoop. 1125 01:05:39,694 --> 01:05:41,558 - It's because you didn't have parents who accepted you that 1126 01:05:41,558 --> 01:05:46,908 you grew up thinking that you weren't worthy of love? 1127 01:05:46,908 --> 01:05:48,323 - Damn, you're good at this. 1128 01:05:48,323 --> 01:05:50,843 - That's why they pay me the big bucks. 1129 01:05:50,843 --> 01:05:52,500 Speaking of... 1130 01:05:52,500 --> 01:05:54,605 Mm-hmm, oh yeah, mm-hmm. 1131 01:05:54,605 --> 01:05:58,092 So, traveling to the past, uh-huh. 1132 01:05:58,092 --> 01:06:01,716 Speaking to your younger self, ah-ha. 1133 01:06:01,716 --> 01:06:06,410 And resolving some childhood trauma, okay. 1134 01:06:06,410 --> 01:06:10,518 Comes out to...hm. 1135 01:06:10,518 --> 01:06:12,416 - Guess therapy isn't free anywhere, right? 1136 01:06:14,418 --> 01:06:16,213 - Will this be debit or credit? 1137 01:06:16,213 --> 01:06:17,525 - Uh, debit. - Okay. 1138 01:06:20,631 --> 01:06:21,770 - BUS DRIVER: Yo, lady? 1139 01:06:25,878 --> 01:06:28,846 - One way to New York, are you coming or not? 1140 01:06:28,846 --> 01:06:30,089 - Oh. 1141 01:06:34,714 --> 01:06:36,993 - Oh, I seen this look before. 1142 01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:38,960 Don't tell me you got some unfinished business to-- 1143 01:06:38,960 --> 01:06:41,549 - I've got some unfinished business to take care of. 1144 01:06:45,173 --> 01:06:46,588 - Excuse me? 1145 01:06:48,314 --> 01:06:51,041 Is this the Spirit of Christmas? 1146 01:06:51,041 --> 01:06:53,906 - The fuck no. Who are you? 1147 01:06:53,906 --> 01:06:57,392 - I'm...Madelyn? 1148 01:07:00,085 --> 01:07:01,086 Take me to the church. 1149 01:07:09,335 --> 01:07:12,304 - All right, say your goodbyes, ladies. 1150 01:07:12,304 --> 01:07:15,445 - OTHERS: Goodbyes, ladies. 1151 01:07:17,033 --> 01:07:20,622 - OLIVIA: Wait, wait! Don't! 1152 01:07:20,622 --> 01:07:22,590 - Don't what? - I don't know. 1153 01:07:22,590 --> 01:07:24,419 I haven't thought past that part. 1154 01:07:24,419 --> 01:07:26,352 - What are you doing here? 1155 01:07:26,352 --> 01:07:29,321 Come to stab us in the back again? 1156 01:07:29,321 --> 01:07:32,807 - Look, I came back because I think we can still save the inn. 1157 01:07:32,807 --> 01:07:37,501 What if I told you there is a loophole? 1158 01:07:37,501 --> 01:07:39,917 Look, it says here on page 46, article A7-- 1159 01:07:39,917 --> 01:07:42,541 - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 1160 01:07:42,541 --> 01:07:45,751 You mean to tell us that you found this book right before 1161 01:07:45,751 --> 01:07:48,547 the last challenge? - Yeah. 1162 01:07:51,791 --> 01:07:53,690 - Okay. - Checks out, it makes sense. 1163 01:07:53,690 --> 01:07:57,866 - It says, "Any team competing in the Winter Ball can only be 1164 01:07:57,866 --> 01:08:00,697 disqualified on the name of its leader." 1165 01:08:00,697 --> 01:08:02,250 Which means, yes, the Broads 1166 01:08:02,250 --> 01:08:04,735 were disqualified under Maggie Zeen. 1167 01:08:04,735 --> 01:08:08,532 But we can still compete under Olivia St. LaPelle. 1168 01:08:08,532 --> 01:08:11,570 - Oh, right! Your real name. 1169 01:08:13,572 --> 01:08:14,918 - You know what? 1170 01:08:17,334 --> 01:08:18,715 - She's climbing it. 1171 01:08:18,715 --> 01:08:21,062 - Why is she always climbing up on everything? 1172 01:08:21,062 --> 01:08:23,513 - I'm sorry I lied to you. 1173 01:08:23,513 --> 01:08:25,342 But I didn't have any friends growing up. 1174 01:08:25,342 --> 01:08:28,414 I didn't even have any family. 1175 01:08:28,414 --> 01:08:33,212 But what I realized over this last week is that I found both. 1176 01:08:33,212 --> 01:08:37,320 And I am not gonna let a Pulitzer Prize-worthy exposé 1177 01:08:37,320 --> 01:08:39,874 get in the way of that. 1178 01:08:39,874 --> 01:08:44,810 Because families, honey, we stick together. 1179 01:08:44,810 --> 01:08:47,157 Just like the boards holding up this inn. 1180 01:08:51,851 --> 01:08:55,234 - Oh, oh! Eew! 1181 01:08:55,234 --> 01:08:57,961 What kind of purgatory shit? 1182 01:08:57,961 --> 01:08:59,135 Hmph! 1183 01:09:02,483 --> 01:09:05,141 - All I can say is... 1184 01:09:05,141 --> 01:09:07,833 that I choose you, ladies. 1185 01:09:07,833 --> 01:09:09,973 And all I'm asking is that you choose me too. 1186 01:09:15,081 --> 01:09:18,947 I understand. 1187 01:09:18,947 --> 01:09:20,570 - Hey, Olivia? 1188 01:09:22,813 --> 01:09:27,128 We can't compete with just four. Come on. 1189 01:09:27,128 --> 01:09:28,681 - Really? - OTHERS: Yessss! 1190 01:09:28,681 --> 01:09:31,201 - Oh, thank goodness! I missed you. 1191 01:09:33,962 --> 01:09:37,414 - 1192 01:09:37,414 --> 01:09:38,726 - We are on the final performance 1193 01:09:38,726 --> 01:09:39,968 of our Christmas pageant, 1194 01:09:39,968 --> 01:09:42,833 and it's all been leading up to this. 1195 01:09:42,833 --> 01:09:43,938 It's Kittenheel Court performing 1196 01:09:43,938 --> 01:09:46,665 a heartfelt interpretive dance piece, 1197 01:09:46,665 --> 01:09:50,393 "The Snow Is White and So Am I." 1198 01:10:23,840 --> 01:10:27,223 - Yeah, well--and that's it, folks. 1199 01:10:30,847 --> 01:10:33,608 - Well, it appears the Broads are back. 1200 01:10:33,608 --> 01:10:36,335 - This ain't Christmas anymore, bitch. 1201 01:10:36,335 --> 01:10:39,476 It's Sis-mas! 1202 01:10:39,476 --> 01:10:43,169 working to the bone 1203 01:10:47,450 --> 01:10:50,901 Each December, fighting wild dogs 1204 01:10:52,938 --> 01:10:55,458 found my broads 1205 01:10:55,458 --> 01:10:57,632 Christmas ain't about 1206 01:11:03,155 --> 01:11:07,193 You can't build a snowman all on your own 1207 01:11:07,193 --> 01:11:11,094 without his ho, ho, hos 1208 01:11:11,094 --> 01:11:14,994 without raising hell 1209 01:11:14,994 --> 01:11:17,307 Christmas without 1210 01:11:23,209 --> 01:11:26,834 Now each season, crashing all the fun 1211 01:11:29,077 --> 01:11:31,252 Literally, I did a hit and run today. 1212 01:11:31,252 --> 01:11:33,150 Meow, meow, meow, Kitti under your tree 1213 01:11:33,150 --> 01:11:35,083 my hand on your D 1214 01:11:35,083 --> 01:11:37,051 you'll catch a fist! 1215 01:11:37,051 --> 01:11:39,364 of the naughty list 1216 01:11:39,364 --> 01:11:41,642 Christmas ain't about 1217 01:11:43,678 --> 01:11:47,095 It's a girls' night out 1218 01:11:47,095 --> 01:11:51,134 You can't build a snowman all on your own 1219 01:11:51,134 --> 01:11:55,069 without his ho, ho, hos 1220 01:11:55,069 --> 01:11:58,935 without raising hell 1221 01:11:58,935 --> 01:12:01,351 Christmas without 1222 01:12:03,836 --> 01:12:07,219 They say I have no personality 1223 01:12:07,219 --> 01:12:11,188 mole on my thigh today 1224 01:12:11,188 --> 01:12:15,641 make it my thing 1225 01:12:15,641 --> 01:12:18,057 it's Mole Girl, yeah 1226 01:12:18,057 --> 01:12:21,302 You can't build a snowman all on your own 1227 01:12:21,302 --> 01:12:25,030 without his ho-ho-hos 1228 01:12:25,030 --> 01:12:28,896 fire without raising hell 1229 01:12:28,896 --> 01:12:31,174 Christmas without 1230 01:12:31,174 --> 01:12:33,210 Can't spell Christmas without-- 1231 01:12:33,210 --> 01:12:35,351 Can't spell Christmas without-- 1232 01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:37,318 G-I-R-L 1233 01:12:37,318 --> 01:12:39,769 - E! 1234 01:12:45,395 --> 01:12:46,914 - That was incredible, Kreston. 1235 01:12:46,914 --> 01:12:50,573 Have you ever seen anything so surprising? 1236 01:12:50,573 --> 01:12:52,747 - Well, not since I found some guy's hair 1237 01:12:52,747 --> 01:12:56,544 on my wife's pillow this morning. 1238 01:12:56,544 --> 01:12:57,856 - Look over there! 1239 01:12:57,856 --> 01:13:00,134 The mayor is ready to make her decision! 1240 01:13:00,134 --> 01:13:03,275 - This was an incredibly tough decision. 1241 01:13:05,933 --> 01:13:08,349 I thought long and hard. 1242 01:13:10,040 --> 01:13:14,459 The winner of this year's Winter Ball is-- 1243 01:13:14,459 --> 01:13:16,426 - The crown! It's gone! 1244 01:13:16,426 --> 01:13:17,738 Someone stole it. 1245 01:13:19,602 --> 01:13:22,156 - What!? - No, no, no. 1246 01:13:22,156 --> 01:13:24,986 - It's her! She must've stolen it. 1247 01:13:24,986 --> 01:13:27,713 We all read her exposé. She's obsessed with the crown! 1248 01:13:32,684 --> 01:13:35,238 - Hey, hey! - It wasn't me, I swear! 1249 01:13:35,238 --> 01:13:37,930 - Well, if you didn't steal it, then who did? 1250 01:13:37,930 --> 01:13:39,760 - GUY IN CROWD: Get out of Tuckahoe, you bitch! 1251 01:13:39,760 --> 01:13:41,555 - But it's just a silly little crown, 1252 01:13:41,555 --> 01:13:45,006 and not something to plan your entire year/life around. 1253 01:13:45,006 --> 01:13:47,699 - The ultimate winter accessory 1254 01:13:47,699 --> 01:13:51,703 that will have the world reading this exposé. 1255 01:13:51,703 --> 01:13:53,187 - She used to write for the local paper, 1256 01:13:53,187 --> 01:13:56,086 but nobody ever read her articles. 1257 01:14:05,199 --> 01:14:07,443 - It was her! Hannah Contour! 1258 01:14:09,686 --> 01:14:14,622 - Also known as Marianne Urcoont. 1259 01:14:16,244 --> 01:14:18,937 - Take a picture. It'll last longer. 1260 01:14:18,937 --> 01:14:21,871 My sister!? 1261 01:14:21,871 --> 01:14:23,355 - That's right. 1262 01:14:23,355 --> 01:14:26,013 I should've known it when I saw her name in the paper! 1263 01:14:26,013 --> 01:14:28,981 "Urcoont" is anagram for "Contour"! 1264 01:14:31,121 --> 01:14:35,332 - So, you finally figured it out. 1265 01:14:35,332 --> 01:14:36,955 Bravo. 1266 01:14:39,889 --> 01:14:43,168 Aren't you the smart one? 1267 01:14:45,411 --> 01:14:50,106 I knew only you could sniff out the crown. 1268 01:14:50,106 --> 01:14:53,419 And when I learned you found out 1269 01:14:53,419 --> 01:14:56,181 the code for the vault 1270 01:14:56,181 --> 01:15:00,875 after spying on Mayor Coont and Bertram's affair... 1271 01:15:00,875 --> 01:15:02,498 - 1272 01:15:02,498 --> 01:15:03,637 - Bertram? 1273 01:15:03,637 --> 01:15:05,155 - An affair? 1274 01:15:05,155 --> 01:15:08,124 - I knew what I had to do. 1275 01:15:08,124 --> 01:15:10,160 - Oh! 1276 01:15:11,990 --> 01:15:16,063 - There's still one thing that I haven't figured out. 1277 01:15:16,063 --> 01:15:17,340 Why? 1278 01:15:17,340 --> 01:15:21,413 - I needed to sell the crown so I could save "Gorge." 1279 01:15:21,413 --> 01:15:22,932 - Save it? 1280 01:15:22,932 --> 01:15:28,454 - The magazine's been failing for years and years. 1281 01:15:28,454 --> 01:15:31,492 Print journalism is dead. 1282 01:15:31,492 --> 01:15:32,838 - Everything's online. 1283 01:15:32,838 --> 01:15:34,219 - HANNAH: It's gone the way of the dinosaur. 1284 01:15:34,219 --> 01:15:35,703 - Oh, okay. 1285 01:15:35,703 --> 01:15:38,292 - I mean, magazines are dead. 1286 01:15:38,292 --> 01:15:40,536 That's why I had to steal the crown! 1287 01:15:42,434 --> 01:15:43,849 Isn't it pretty? 1288 01:15:43,849 --> 01:15:47,577 - But Marianne, I thought you disappeared! 1289 01:15:47,577 --> 01:15:51,132 - Marianne? Child, please. 1290 01:15:51,132 --> 01:15:55,758 Marianne is long gone, okay? 1291 01:15:55,758 --> 01:16:00,003 She left the day you humiliated me. 1292 01:16:00,003 --> 01:16:03,973 Remember when you made me accept this crown for our street? 1293 01:16:03,973 --> 01:16:05,802 Remember that? 1294 01:16:05,802 --> 01:16:09,703 And when I lifted it onto my head and my belly bursted out of 1295 01:16:09,703 --> 01:16:13,879 my gorgeous corset because I was nine months pregnant? 1296 01:16:13,879 --> 01:16:16,468 You remember that? 1297 01:16:16,468 --> 01:16:19,022 You humiliated me. 1298 01:16:19,022 --> 01:16:21,611 - Russ, apprehend that woman. Get my crown! 1299 01:16:21,611 --> 01:16:25,511 - Oh no, you better don't. You better back up. 1300 01:16:25,511 --> 01:16:27,928 I said, you better back up! 1301 01:16:27,928 --> 01:16:30,551 'Cause I got me an appointment. 1302 01:16:30,551 --> 01:16:31,725 I got an appointment with 1303 01:16:31,725 --> 01:16:33,968 a sheikh who has a penchant for what? 1304 01:16:33,968 --> 01:16:38,179 Headwear! Headwear. 1305 01:16:38,179 --> 01:16:41,148 He has a penchant for headwear. 1306 01:16:41,148 --> 01:16:43,460 And I'm not gonna miss this meeting. 1307 01:16:43,460 --> 01:16:45,152 Uh-uh. So Russ, 1308 01:16:45,152 --> 01:16:47,982 you better back up, because that right there? 1309 01:16:52,090 --> 01:16:56,025 - Honey, that's my ride. Yoo-hoo! 1310 01:16:58,510 --> 01:17:01,651 - Christ on a cracker, she's going up the Christmas tree, 1311 01:17:01,651 --> 01:17:03,308 Olivia. Do something! 1312 01:17:03,308 --> 01:17:05,517 - Is she going to jump from there? 1313 01:17:13,629 --> 01:17:15,423 - Come with me, Olivia! 1314 01:17:15,423 --> 01:17:20,774 I'll give you that promotion you've always dreamed of! 1315 01:17:20,774 --> 01:17:21,913 - You mean... 1316 01:17:21,913 --> 01:17:24,398 Executive Fashion Ladyboss in Chief? 1317 01:17:24,398 --> 01:17:25,571 - Better! 1318 01:17:25,571 --> 01:17:30,473 Chief Executive Fashion Ladyboss in Chief! 1319 01:17:31,405 --> 01:17:34,166 - We have to save "Gorge" Olivia! 1320 01:17:34,166 --> 01:17:36,582 You and me, we're the same. 1321 01:17:36,582 --> 01:17:40,621 We're--we're nobodies without our careers. 1322 01:17:40,621 --> 01:17:42,865 - I am nothing like you! 1323 01:17:42,865 --> 01:17:44,936 - Are you so sure about that? 1324 01:17:44,936 --> 01:17:49,112 Aren't you curious about my pregnancy all those years ago? 1325 01:17:49,112 --> 01:17:52,598 Who I was pregnant with? 1326 01:17:52,598 --> 01:17:56,533 Your parents never abandoned you on that stoop, Olivia. 1327 01:17:56,533 --> 01:17:58,846 It was a lie! 1328 01:17:58,846 --> 01:18:02,298 - What? No! No, that can't be! 1329 01:18:02,298 --> 01:18:07,268 - I gave birth to you on the steps of "Gorge"! 1330 01:18:07,268 --> 01:18:09,995 I knew if the magazine found out I was a mother, 1331 01:18:09,995 --> 01:18:13,033 I'd never get as far. 1332 01:18:13,033 --> 01:18:18,452 So I did what I had to do our family. 1333 01:18:18,452 --> 01:18:20,040 - Our family? 1334 01:18:21,869 --> 01:18:26,080 - You were never my mother! 1335 01:18:26,080 --> 01:18:28,807 - Ow! Bitch! 1336 01:18:28,807 --> 01:18:32,708 I've always been your mother! 1337 01:18:32,708 --> 01:18:34,123 - Aah! 1338 01:18:35,503 --> 01:18:39,887 Well, a mother would not make her daughter her assistant! 1339 01:18:39,887 --> 01:18:41,337 Aah! - 1340 01:18:41,337 --> 01:18:43,615 - You cheated on me with her? 1341 01:18:43,615 --> 01:18:45,065 - Oh, don't you hit him! 1342 01:18:45,065 --> 01:18:47,826 - You got my sister pregnant! 1343 01:18:47,826 --> 01:18:50,070 - Your grandpa's your father's dad? 1344 01:18:50,070 --> 01:18:52,210 - And I'm taking the kids. 1345 01:18:52,210 --> 01:18:54,937 - You fuck my wife, didn't you? 1346 01:18:54,937 --> 01:18:57,042 - Only 'cause you fuck mine! 1347 01:18:57,042 --> 01:18:59,976 - I hate myself. I hate myself. 1348 01:18:59,976 --> 01:19:01,426 - Snap out of it! 1349 01:19:05,637 --> 01:19:07,915 - Give me that crown! - OLIVIA: No! No! 1350 01:19:07,915 --> 01:19:09,296 - Give it to me! 1351 01:19:09,296 --> 01:19:11,470 - It doesn't matter if you're my mother... 1352 01:19:11,470 --> 01:19:13,472 'cause I found my real family. 1353 01:19:13,472 --> 01:19:17,407 And they are right down there! 1354 01:19:25,899 --> 01:19:28,694 - It's saved! The crown is saved! 1355 01:19:33,044 --> 01:19:35,805 - You dumb bitch! 1356 01:19:35,805 --> 01:19:38,325 We could've had it all, 1357 01:19:38,325 --> 01:19:40,706 but you had to throw it away! 1358 01:19:40,706 --> 01:19:42,708 You had to throw it away! 1359 01:19:42,708 --> 01:19:47,748 Well, looks like that promotion is going to Tristan after all! 1360 01:19:51,856 --> 01:19:53,927 Goodbye, Olivia! 1361 01:20:00,105 --> 01:20:02,798 - Are you safe? 1362 01:20:02,798 --> 01:20:04,109 Stop it. 1363 01:20:06,663 --> 01:20:08,251 - What? Did you Broads really think 1364 01:20:08,251 --> 01:20:10,219 your little loophole would work? 1365 01:20:10,219 --> 01:20:13,670 Did you forget you missed, like, 98% of this pageant? 1366 01:20:13,670 --> 01:20:15,638 - We weren't here. I didn't understand. 1367 01:20:15,638 --> 01:20:16,950 Was there a schedule? 1368 01:20:16,950 --> 01:20:19,297 - That is true. 1369 01:20:19,297 --> 01:20:24,233 Oh, Kittenheel Court wins the Winter Ball! 1370 01:20:25,959 --> 01:20:29,376 - Oh, no, no! 1371 01:20:29,376 --> 01:20:32,172 - As winter queen, my first order of business is 1372 01:20:32,172 --> 01:20:35,865 destroying your little inn. Bulldozers! 1373 01:20:37,384 --> 01:20:39,800 - Well, that's it, girls. 1374 01:20:39,800 --> 01:20:45,047 Now we'll never have enough money to--to pay the loan! 1375 01:20:45,047 --> 01:20:48,464 - Oh, it's okay. We'll figure it out. 1376 01:20:48,464 --> 01:20:52,813 - After saving the crown, it's the least we can do. 1377 01:20:52,813 --> 01:20:54,401 - That's--that's for us? 1378 01:20:56,058 --> 01:20:57,749 - Oh, oh! 1379 01:21:06,378 --> 01:21:09,416 - Do I have to take my top off? Oh, oh, it's real! 1380 01:21:09,416 --> 01:21:10,727 - Oh, no, keep your top on 1381 01:21:10,727 --> 01:21:13,144 if you want them to keep throwing money. 1382 01:21:21,600 --> 01:21:26,053 - Well, I think this should cover it. 1383 01:21:28,607 --> 01:21:31,783 - Girls, we did! We saved the inn! 1384 01:21:33,336 --> 01:21:35,442 - My Cardigan Outlet! 1385 01:21:35,442 --> 01:21:38,031 This isn't over. Girls, we're leaving. 1386 01:21:38,031 --> 01:21:39,929 - Oh, no, Delia. - Uh-uh. 1387 01:21:39,929 --> 01:21:42,276 - Girls? 1388 01:21:42,276 --> 01:21:43,933 - Hey, Delia. 1389 01:21:43,933 --> 01:21:45,624 I got a little joke for you. 1390 01:21:45,624 --> 01:21:50,802 We voted, and you are no longer the leader of Kittenheel Court. 1391 01:21:50,802 --> 01:21:53,805 And here is the punchline. 1392 01:21:58,568 --> 01:22:00,294 - Bertram? 1393 01:22:04,402 --> 01:22:05,921 - You know, that looks great on you. 1394 01:22:09,683 --> 01:22:11,650 - Oh! - Your customers requested it. 1395 01:22:11,650 --> 01:22:13,066 - Oh, bless them! 1396 01:22:13,066 --> 01:22:15,896 - Olivia, what is all this? 1397 01:22:17,311 --> 01:22:19,520 - I've never really done this Christmas thing before, 1398 01:22:19,520 --> 01:22:22,109 so I hope you like it. - Thank you. 1399 01:22:22,109 --> 01:22:23,939 - Should we open them together? 1400 01:22:23,939 --> 01:22:25,837 - Yeah! 1401 01:22:29,392 --> 01:22:32,188 - Today we're all queens. 1402 01:22:36,917 --> 01:22:38,436 - Thank you so much. 1403 01:22:41,197 --> 01:22:43,027 - HAZEL: Oh, you look like... 1404 01:22:43,027 --> 01:22:45,788 - KITTI: Oh, thank you, Danny DeVito, that's very kind. 1405 01:22:45,788 --> 01:22:46,789 - Mayor Coont? 1406 01:22:46,789 --> 01:22:49,723 - Shh! Urcoont. 1407 01:22:49,723 --> 01:22:52,553 I decided to embrace who I truly am 1408 01:22:52,553 --> 01:22:55,763 after confronting so much of my past yesterday. 1409 01:22:55,763 --> 01:23:00,837 Thank you, Olivia, for saving my town. 1410 01:23:00,837 --> 01:23:02,391 And one more thing. 1411 01:23:07,085 --> 01:23:09,915 - I came back last night after getting into a horrific 1412 01:23:09,915 --> 01:23:11,917 helicopter crash. 1413 01:23:11,917 --> 01:23:16,198 Turns out the Tuckahoe curse is very real. 1414 01:23:16,198 --> 01:23:18,994 - Me and my sister got to talking 1415 01:23:18,994 --> 01:23:20,512 and spent the whole night 1416 01:23:20,512 --> 01:23:25,862 remembering what it was like to be a family again. 1417 01:23:25,862 --> 01:23:29,452 - And I thought about what you said to me in that tree and I-- 1418 01:23:29,452 --> 01:23:33,146 I realized that you always admired me. 1419 01:23:33,146 --> 01:23:37,322 Turns out the appreciation I was searching for all those years 1420 01:23:37,322 --> 01:23:40,877 was right outside my office door. 1421 01:23:40,877 --> 01:23:43,363 And look, I--I may not be good at it, 1422 01:23:43,363 --> 01:23:46,435 and I--I have a lot of time to make up for, 1423 01:23:46,435 --> 01:23:52,130 but I kind of sort of maybe, 1424 01:23:52,130 --> 01:23:55,651 maybe just ready to be a mom. 1425 01:23:55,651 --> 01:23:58,309 If you'll have me, of course. 1426 01:23:59,724 --> 01:24:03,314 Call me...Mother? 1427 01:24:03,314 --> 01:24:04,729 - I don't know. 1428 01:24:04,729 --> 01:24:06,938 I think that's gonna take a long time. 1429 01:24:06,938 --> 01:24:12,461 - Hm. I understand. 1430 01:24:12,461 --> 01:24:16,189 - But today...we're all family. 1431 01:24:16,189 --> 01:24:19,502 - Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh! 1432 01:24:19,502 --> 01:24:22,816 Oh, come on, sis! Come on, sissy! 1433 01:24:27,924 --> 01:24:30,341 - Olivia, you were right. 1434 01:24:30,341 --> 01:24:32,343 What we have is real, 1435 01:24:32,343 --> 01:24:35,898 even if you are Maggie-- or Olivia, or Olaggie, 1436 01:24:35,898 --> 01:24:39,971 or Magivia, or Tina, or Stephanie. 1437 01:24:39,971 --> 01:24:41,490 - Oh, Russ! 1438 01:24:41,490 --> 01:24:46,460 - What I'm trying to say is... 1439 01:24:46,460 --> 01:24:49,187 Will you marry me? 1440 01:24:49,187 --> 01:24:51,603 - Russ... 1441 01:24:51,603 --> 01:24:54,054 haven't we only known each other for, like, four days? 1442 01:24:54,054 --> 01:24:57,506 - Yeah, you're right. 1443 01:24:57,506 --> 01:25:00,095 What am I doing? - I don't know! 1444 01:25:00,095 --> 01:25:01,717 - Can you imagine if you said yes? 1445 01:25:01,717 --> 01:25:03,891 Oh my god, you're so crazy! 1446 01:25:03,891 --> 01:25:05,824 Come on in here. Take your shirt off. 1447 01:25:05,824 --> 01:25:07,447 - Okay. 1448 01:25:07,447 --> 01:25:10,070 - Oh, hello. - Hello, Russ. 1449 01:25:10,070 --> 01:25:12,383 - MICHELLE: On that morning, Olivia saw it, 1450 01:25:12,383 --> 01:25:14,695 all the rainbow hues. 1451 01:25:14,695 --> 01:25:17,353 A kaleidoscope of family-- 1452 01:25:17,353 --> 01:25:19,252 the family you choose. 1453 01:25:19,252 --> 01:25:23,601 And what is Christmas if not a silly little stunt 1454 01:25:23,601 --> 01:25:26,431 for family to come together 1455 01:25:26,431 --> 01:25:29,952 and absolutely serve... 1456 01:25:29,952 --> 01:25:30,987 Coont. 1457 01:25:30,987 --> 01:25:33,024 - Now let the music play. 1458 01:25:34,784 --> 01:25:36,683 Christmas ain't about 1459 01:25:42,102 --> 01:25:46,106 snowman all on your own 1460 01:25:46,106 --> 01:25:49,972 without his ho, ho, hos 1461 01:25:49,972 --> 01:25:53,872 without raising hell 1462 01:25:53,872 --> 01:25:56,220 Christmas without 1463 01:25:58,360 --> 01:25:59,982 - E! 1464 01:26:06,471 --> 01:26:07,783 Come on, all ye faithful 1465 01:26:13,582 --> 01:26:15,411 through the season 1466 01:26:15,411 --> 01:26:17,448 yuletide into you 1467 01:26:17,448 --> 01:26:19,657 let's get merry 1468 01:26:22,246 --> 01:26:25,663 momma's Christmas carol 1469 01:26:25,663 --> 01:26:33,878 don gay apparel