JONNY: 'Is the silence...
'..that little pause just before you decide which way you're gonna go?'
I guess...
..I...
I scared myself, getting to that point.
It was a real...
..a real reality check.
CLEARS HER THROAT
I think that's... us done for today.
As in I have to stay here another night?
At least. Come on.
A nurse will see you back to... No, I don't need...
What have you even written anyway, like, one sentence?
I worry you're telling me what I want to hear.
So that's why I started getting...
..off my face. It's just...
It's just easier.
And you'd never experienced any other mental health issues
until your father passed away?
Agh, this is just irritating, man.
What do you want me to say? This isn't about my dad?
Cos it is. And then you want me to say,
oh, how bad it makes me feel and how sad I am.
Like, what is the fucking point of that?
Yes, it makes me feel sad,
it's a lot for anyone to deal with, isn't it?
Yes.
It is, Jonny. It is.
I'm going to ask, do you still want to end your life?
Jonny?
Right now? Right now.
No.
Oh...
Through the worst of it.
We need to stop at the chemist on the way home.
For your medication? Course.
And, erm, well, then I thought we could get some nice food for later.
Maybe watch a film? What do you think?
We can do whatever you want.
'How can I be honest when other people aren't honest with me?'
ZIA: I really want this to be good.
REGAN: Course it will. There's gonna be a gong bath.
Don't know. Not sure about the colours.
I think they're OK.
Stop at the printers' to get them to sort it. OK.
I'll get my stuff.
Oh, hi. Hey.
Is Nan all right? She's great. Found a film to watch.
Cool.
Regan, I've been on to the agency.
They're gonna get someone else to come,
as soon as they can organise. OK.
I think it makes sense.
Yeah. So do I, that's why I said OK.
Brilliant.
You coming? Yeah.
Bit of an atmosphere between you and her.
Not for long. Nan's getting a new carer.
And you're OK with that? Yeah, totally fine.
Yeah. It's not like it was a huge deal between the two of you, was it?
DOOR OPENS
I need to go and collect Alix. What time are you going out tonight?
I'm not going out.
Oh. What?
I'm just not used to you staying in.
We can all spend some time together. Sure.
What... What is that?
Nothing. That's not nothing, Mei.
Huh? I wanna go back to Canada.
What?
Please.
I'm sorry, no.
Where would you live? With who?
I'm sorry.
I don't belong here. This isn't my home.
I've got nothing and no-one here. That's not true.
You don't wanna help me. No-one does.
UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS
Brought you a protein shake. Thanks.
It's proper easy to make this one.
You just get your protein powder and your oat milk,
whack them together, put that in the fridge for, like, 24 hours.
You get your cashews and your collagen,
put those together, and put it on a slow blend,
maximise that nutrition.
What? It's that easy, is it (?)
Oh - and finally, I add two raw eggs in at the end,
but I don't mix 'em in.
Eurgh!
I'm teasing. No stress.
But you're gonna need this if you're gonna keep smashing those curls.
Yeah. I'm feeling it... Yeah.
Not bad.
There's a few of us going up the hill on Saturday.
They might have a fire, if you... Oh.
Like a date?
I mean... Kinda? I...
All right. Count me in. Saturday sounds fun.
Hey.
Hi.
Can we have a word?
Can't talk now. Gotta get to the venue.
It won't take long.
So, the other night, at the party,
I think I might have been a bit rude.
I didn't mean it when I said
you were all man of the match, Duke of Edinburgh.
And when I said you were fucking pathetic and arrogant
and over-achieving and didn't have a life and sad...
OK.
You know what?
Er, you guys go. I'll catch up.
See you later, man of the match! All right, bye!
FRIENDS LAUGH
I'm sorry.
You're much nicer when you're not wasted.
Apology accepted.
CHUCKLES Thank you.
Oh, and I've got an interview shortlist
for the volunteering programme!
No fucking way! Oh, that's great.
Hey, you know I've got a friend out there. Name's Alec...
There's no way you have a friend. I-I mean...
Pizza's in the oven.
Not sure if Andrew'll get back in time, but...
What's wrong?
Do you want me to call your therapist?
No, it's not right.
It takes time, Jonny, for... for the body to adjust to medication.
It feels like there's this... huge hole in the ground
and we're just...
dancing around it, trying to pretend it does not exist.
Grief can feel like that. It's not grief, Mum!
It's not grief.
Last week, I was stood with a bunch of pills in my hand, and I just...
"What is the point of me?" That's what I thought.
I just felt like this massive weight
for everyone else to carry round.
You're not.
Then why can't you talk to me?
Be honest with me. Why can no-one in this family do that?
Jonny, there are...
There are thing...
What, Mum?
I can't.
Why can't you? DOOR CLOSES
What's going on?
Nothing. I'm off to work.
Yep. Nothing.
'Nothing.
'So that's what I'm gonna do.
'Act like nothing's happened.'
STUDENTS CHATTER
GIRL: Have you seen this?
VIDEO ON PHONE: 'I'm not crazy. Why the fuck are you filming me?
'I'm not crazy. Why the fuck are you filming me?'
Sure about that, hun?
Hey!
'I'm not crazy. Why the fuck are you filming me?
'I'm not crazy. Why the fuck are you filming me?'
I kinda need my phone back? 'I'm not crazy. Why the fuck...'
Thanks.
Thank you for meeting me.
I was surprised to hear from you.
How are you? OK.
I'm just finding it really hard right now.
College? Just everything.
Life.
I told Mom I wanted to go back to Canada.
But she was totally foot down, no chance.
That would be a huge decision. I know.
But I'm not happy here.
Mei, listen.
I know I haven't been all you hoped.
That there isn't... a real relationship between us.
But you are my daughter.
I could help out.
With the financial side.
I could cover your ticket and...
your rent for the first six months or so.
Right.
And if you feel that's where you truly belong...
I don't belong here, do I?
Should have got Horrocks a mic.
He's so nervous, no-one's gonna be able to hear him.
Well, he's not making an actual speech, is he?
Well, yes, he is.
Oh. Well, I'm sure he'll be fine.
Just really want today to work.
Even if it's shit, it ends up on your CV.
Why are you being weird?
Can we take a minute to appreciate the irony of you asking me that
next to the "good listeners" sign? What?
Jaz. Is it Jaz?
You're right. Maybe it wasn't a huge deal.
But tell me, how long until it counts as one?
More than a fortnight? Six years?
No, that's not what I meant.
You can just walk through town and ten guys will ask for your Snap.
Welwyn's like a pick 'n' mix for you.
It's not quite that easy for me.
You said that you were totally fine.
Do I sound fine?
I like the whole "flirty texts from a hot guy" vibe.
Yeah, sounds like fun.
STUDENTS CHATTER Guys?
Everyone?
Hello! HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Guys!
Everyone!
Hello! CHATTER CONTINUES
Erm, if I could just have, erm, a minute of your time.
Thanks so much for coming to today's wellness event.
CHATTER CONTINUES
So, some of the things, erm,
we have on offer today that I'd like to make you aware of...
Oi! Listen to him!
Thanks, Jonny.
Yeah, so, just one or two of the things, I suppose, is...
No, he listens to you. The least you can do is listen to him.
Or are you all too busy sharing memes about someone
who is actually hurting?
Who doesn't deserve it just to make yourselves feel better
for, like, a fucking millisecond?
That's not quite what I was going to...
I'm talking about myself here, too. I'm just as bad.
Said some horrible things. And I'm sorry about that.
So, laugh at me.
Take the piss out of me if it makes you feel better about yourselves.
If it helps you forget what's going on in here.
Cos that's all we're trying to do, isn't it?
Make ourselves feel less horrible inside.
CHATTER CONTINUES
Thank you, Jonny. Er, stay mindful, everyone!
No, I'm at the college.
Yeah, Neve's coming back with me.
I'm just gonna make some lunch, so...
Yes, Mum.
OK, love you. See you later.
You told your mum I'm coming back to yours? Mm-hm.
She made me promise to use the good plates.
My mum wouldn't want us left alone.
Oh, does she know about her daughter's wild party girl side?
What time you got to be back?
Private study this afternoon. I can do that anywhere.
Ah...
Mum won't be back for hours, so she won't disturb our "studies".
Ah, you wanna help me again?
Mm-hm.
You're back early.
Can I...?
Yep.
It's not her fault, you know.
She's never been good with saying what's going on.
Not like Dad.
There was never any mystery about how Dad felt.
Happy pissed.
Scary cross.
Do you remember when he cried at your graduation?
"I'm not crying! I've got allergies."
Well... must be where I got it from, eh?
What?
She found her own dad.
Mum did.
What do you mean? Found him where? In their garage.
In his car.
He'd taken his own life.
She was younger than you when it happened.
What?
They never told you because... Because what?
Cos... we know how easily things upset you.
You've always been... sensitive.
MAN IN DISTANCE: Andrew?
Don't tell her I told you.
'Honesty's great, isn't it?
'Until you learn the thing... you wish you didn't know.'
What you reckon? Fig and Thyme, or Ocean Morning?
What difference does it make?
Hey, today was good. It will help a lot of people.
And some people'll be dicks, but that's not down to you, is it?
What's the candle for?
I've got my driving test tomorrow. Mmm.
Wanna turn up chilled.
Yeah, well, you'll need more than a candle.
Here, little trick. Ready?
Fan your fingers out. Press down on your chest.
Take a deep breath. HE INHALES
Hold it. Let it out super slow.
HE EXHALES
Repeat until chilled.
How long does this normally take?
I... Half an hour.
That's quite a long time.
No shit.
I used to have to do it whenever I wanted to leave the house.
I used to think I'd get hit by a car.
Or a plane would fall down from the sky and land on me.
Or my house.
And I'd be stood in front of a pile of rubble
knowing my mum and dad were inside.
Fucking hell, Zia.
I don't really tell people what I just told you.
I was young.
Glad you told me.
Hey.
Hi.
I just wanted to say thank you. For today.
And sorry for everything else. No, you don't need to be.
I do.
Because I don't know if I'm ever gonna see you again.
What?
I'm moving back to Canada.
What? Why?
There's nothing for me here.
Yeah, well, same.
Everything that means something is either going or gone.
Maybe you should try Canada. Maybe I should.
I could stay with you for a few weeks, or whatever.
No, Jonny. You can't mean that.
Why? This place isn't good for either of us.
We're the same. We're the not-OKs, aren't we?
We didn't wanna split up.
So let's try again - in Canada, together.
MUSIC: 'Get Up' by CID RIM
PHONE BUZZES
# Get up
# Or do you wanna be late again?
# I don't know why I can't
# Get up
# Or do you wanna be late again?
# I don't why I can't... #
KNOCK ON DOOR
You gonna need a lift tomorrow? Tomorrow?
Well, you've got an appointment, haven't you? Therapy.
Er, yeah.
Yeah, I'm staying at Mei's tonight, so I'll just go from there.
You OK?
Yeah, why?
You haven't taken the piss out of what I'm...
Never mind.
# But I feel it doesn't matter
# And I really don't care
# Just a little bit longer... #
'What's the point?'
# I'll be quick, I swear... #
'I know who I really am now. It's in the blood.'
# And I really don't care
# Just a little bit longer
# I'll be quick, I swear
# Get up
# Or do you... #
What are you doing?
What is going on? I, um...
You shouldn't be looking at my stuff.
Who is this Brett?
What? Why is he sending you these disgusting photographs?
You're a minor.
He's just a guy, a creepy fucking guy.
I barely know him. Was it him who did that to you?
No, it wasn't.
I'm calling the police. No, Mom, please. It was nothing.
OK? Me and Jonny are back together now.
I'm happy, OK?
Are you? Yes.
I'm gonna go stay over at his tonight, if that's all right?
Are you sure you're OK?
Yes.
Hm.
MEI ON VIDEO: 'I'm not crazy. Why the fuck are you filming me?'
Sorry.
This meme has got to me a bit. Mei didn't deserve that.
After everything she's done, you still care? That's cool.
You're pretty cool. Yeah, it has been said.
Oh, has it? Yeah, it actually has.
Ooh. So...
What you, er... What you doing later?
Erm, depends. What are you doing later?
I-I'm not doing anything later. Oh.
So... Hi, Neve. How you doing?
You need anything?
No, thanks. Weekend tomorrow, though.
I'll be busy, so... Really, it's cool.
What about you, mate?
I'm not your mate, dickhead. You should watch your mouth.
I'm not scared of you. You sure about that?
What the fuck? Come on, then!
Look, this prick acts like he's your friend, OK?
He's not. And you're worth more than this.
Marcus, stop! What?
What's this about?
HE SIGHS
My mate...
My best mate, really, he knew that guy.
Your dealer. Pff, your "friend", yeah?
OK? Fucked my mate's life up.
Now he's doing 18 months in young offenders.
That's horrible. Yeah.
But that's not my fault.
I-I get how it is when you see your friend going through shit,
but what I do has nothing to do with where he's ended up.
I know. I'm not saying...
People project stuff on me all the time, and you're projecting.
I might wanna get stoned or off my face once in a while,
and I don't have to do it in front of you,
and if you can handle that, we can still see each other.
But if you can't... I'm not changing for anybody.
Louis! What are you doing here?
Came to wish you good luck.
I've already taken the test.
Oh, shit. Sorry.
What for?
Passed. Ah! First time, that's fantastic!
Yeah. It is fantastic.
Erm...
Do you wanna go and celebrate or something?
It's just I'm working at the gym later.
Course. Well, see you on Saturday.
Louis Hamilton.
Who? Lewis Hamilton.
He's a famous race car driver? Yeah, I know.
I'm joking. HE CHUCKLES
Oh. SHE LAUGHS
DOOR OPENS
DOOR CLOSES
OK, I'm all done. Here are your charts.
Newbie starts tomorrow, so...
Susan already gave me a card.
Can you just open it, please?
"Not sorry you're leaving."
Er, it's sort of a joke.
OK?
I'm not sorry you're leaving because...
I don't think we could go out if you worked here?
And I'd like us to have a go... going out.
And you have, like, little systems and things
for your relationships, too, that I should know about?
Cos the last thing I want to do is mess up and do something wrong.
Hm, OK.
Erm... Ah, they're laminated.
Fuck!
JAZ CHUCKLES
Aren't some of those quite important?
Yeah, er, they are, actually.
Right, where do you wanna eat, then?
Oh, my God. My bag. What, is it all right?
SHE LAUGHS What? It is.
What gate are we?
I'm not doing your laundry, by the way.
Oh, I thought we had a deal.
THEY GIGGLE No.
PHONE BUZZES
'My grandad couldn't face things,
'so he... ran away.
'My mum's selling up, which is her way of doing the same.
'They're both part of who I am.
'But so is the strongest person I've ever known.'
JOHN: 'You've got to learn to swim like a bastard.'
'The person he'd want me to be honest with now...
'is me.'
ALARM RINGS
Hey. Hey.
It's time to go.
Home.
No, Jonny. Mei...
You said you wanted to come with me. And I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
I know he doesn't love you.
Your dad.
And I know how much that hurts.
I mean, that's the thing, isn't it?
The reason you feel sick inside.
Yes.
That doesn't go...
..if you run away.
Stay. Face it.
All of it.
Guess I'm flying solo, then.
Mei.
'It's that silence again.
'That little pause...
'..before you decide which way you're gonna go.'
Do you know, I think it probably started
when I was 14 or just before.
Actually, because, erm...
..we were going out for birthday pizza,
which was my favourite.
And...
..I...
just didn't wanna do anything.
And did these episodes become more frequent?
Yeah, I missed a couple of days of school quite a few times.
But then summer, just gone.
Three weeks?
Yeah, no, I-I couldn't get out of bed.
Felt like pain, you know, like... like real pain.
I could... I could feel it.
But no, that's... that's the worst that it got.
Until the other night, when you contemplated suicide?
Jonny, can you describe...? No.
Sorry. Can't.
Not yet. Then we'll wait.
But we're making really good progress.
Don't you think?
Yeah, yeah.
I'll look forward to our next session.
Zipping up the hills. That's why I clip in before I go.
Morning, love.
Morning.
How was your, erm... you know?
Therapy? Yeah, it was good.
Mm.
She's good... this therapist.
All she wants from me is honesty. For me to tell her the truth.
Well, that... that makes sense.
Yeah, it's exactly what you need to do.
Yeah, and then I come home... and it's the opposite.
It's like nothing here works.
What? I mean, we can't even tell each other really huge stuff.
Like, I didn't even have a proper conversation with you
until... this week?
And now I feel like I don't even know you.
We're not all touchy-feely.
We're not, and we might not ever be...
..but if we're ever gonna get stronger than this,
something needs to change.
And what? How do you think we should change?
I don't know, Andrew. I don't know. I...
But maybe the therapist can help.
You know, if we actually all go together and actually try.
ANDREW SCOFFS
Is that what you want?
OK.
Come here.
When I said I was in Ireland last summer...
..I was really just lying in bed.
For three weeks?
For three weeks, yeah.
It got worse after...
..my dad, and then the party, and...
And nearly...
I mean, I came this close to...
There were pills and...
Shit, Jonny! I know it's a lot to take in.
You really thought about...?
Yeah, I just...
I just didn't wanna be here any more.
But I do now.
Good.
Cos that's fucking scary. No, don't be scared.
I don't mind you being worried, or concerned or looking out for me,
cos I know that means that...
You know.
But not scared. Scared's no good to anyone.
Everyone's got their own stuff going on, so...
HE INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS
I kissed someone.
Zia?
No. Bakery girl Sarah?
No. Then what's her name?
Kyle.
Is it... Regan's party, you and him were outside, yeah?
Yeah. Are you two, like, dating?
It's complicated.
And I need to speak to Zia.
Just be honest with her.
I thought you and her were over?
Yeah, no, we are. Yeah.
That's cool that you told us.
Come here, brother.
DOOR OPENS
Hi.
Well, what happened to Canada? Nothing.
It's still there, as far as I know, and I'm still here.
So... here.
Well, what's this?
I thought I needed your money...
..but turns out, I don't need anything from you.
NEVE: OK. So, predicted scores for tonight?
Er, ooh.
Depends if LouLou plans on getting stuck up a tree like last time.
He so didn't need to call the fire brigade.
Nah, that night was definitely a vibe. Hey, guys.
LOUIS: Hello. GIRLS: Hi.
Was it always this freezing up here? JAZ: Yeah, it's so cold.
Well, I've got some blankets in the car.
Yeah, Gareth made me bring 'em.
I could always go and get 'em if you want?
REGAN: Yes, please. Do you want a hand?
Yeah. All right.
ZIA GRUNTS See ya!
NEVE: Oi, do you think she knows about Kyle?
Oh, mate, I don't know. Really?
THEY CHUCKLE
You all right? Yeah, I....
Oh, now we're talking. GIRL: Yes.
Hey. Hey.
So, you came back? I needed to sort something out.
Your dad? Er, no. Something else.
Anyway...
Would I miss all of this? THEY LAUGH SOFTLY
Well, I'm really glad.
Er, do you want to...?
Yeah.
Hi. REGAN: Hey. Do you wanna drink?
Yeah, thanks.
Jonny? Er, no, thanks.
Ah, OK. But who are you, and what have you done with real Jonny?
Erm, well, this is the real Jonny.
More here. Ooh, got it? Yeah.
OK. Erm, so, er...
Look, Zia, I haven't been totally honest.
There's, erm...
There's, er... er, something I need to tell you.
Well, I... You don't need to.
I don't?
Not if what you're feeling is the same thing I am.
KYLE: Hey, guys. NEVE: Hey, Kyle.
GROUP: Hi. You all right, mate?
Yeah, I'm good. I haven't been up here for ages.
Yeah, innit?
Is, er... Is Louis around?
Yeah, yeah, man. He's just over... there.
Oh... Hi. Hey.
I'm Zia, by the way. Ah.
Here you are. Thanks. I'm Kyle.
Shall we get a drink, then? Yes!
Let's get a drink! Let's do it.
Here you go.
Stop complaining now. REGAN AND JAZ LAUGH
MUSIC: '17' by Youth Lagoon
What are you doing here?
Just came to hang out. But, er, I wanted to say...
..don't change.
For anyone. And especially not for me. OK?
Is... Is that it?
# Roaming the camp ground Up by the lake... #
Sorry.
# We were hunting for snakes
# But we couldn't find them... #
JONNY: 'Ever had a day that got you in a headlock,
'stuck its tongue down your throat,
'knocks you down and puked you back up again?'
Louis, come, get in closer. Smile!
'I have. We all have.
'And maybe no-one's ever completely OK.
'Maybe there's no such thing.
'But you know what?
'That's OK.'
THEY CHEER
# Said to me
# Don't stop imagining
# The day that you do Is the day that you die
# Now I pull a one-tonne carriage
# Instead of the horses Grazing the lawn
# And I was having fun
# We were all having fun
# When I was 17
# My mother said to me
# Don't stop imagining
# The day that you do Is the day that you die
# Now I pull A one-tonne carriage... #
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